MAN [on tablet]: You are no longer Abraham Lincoln, US president.
You are now Abraham Lincoln, car fighter.
‐ Fuck yes. Okay, let's go.
KORVO: Terry! ‐ Can't talk, working out.
‐ This is important. The‐the‐the Pupa turned orange.
‐ And? Hey, you broke my Hulu Vizu!
What does it mean? ‐ How the hell am I supposed to know?
it'll consume everything on this planet
and terraform it to become our new home world.
‐ Duh. ‐ Which means we'll get eaten
and terraformed with everything else, I think.
What if it turning orange is the first step to total annihilation?
‐ No, it's always hot. Luckily, I'm a genius
and suspected you were incapable of handling this
so I made a little card with important Pupa information on it.
I have it in my wallet. Just gotta find it.
Damn it, where did I put my‐‐
Wa‐wa‐wa‐was it at that Armenian deli?
Whoa, it was on Shlorp!
device to travel back in time, return to the home world,
and find my wallet.
and the Pupa's never killed everybody on Earth before, so...
‐ Oh, it's gonna blow! ‐ Ah!
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into, uh, the space,
We crashed on Earth, stranding us on an already over‐populated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa. My name's Korvo.
This is, this is my show. I just dropped the Pupa.
Do you see me? [stammers] This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth. It's a horrible home.
People are stupid. Where the fuck are all the dinosaurs?
What did they do to all the dinosaurs?
♪
‐ So, uh, where's the retruce‐von‐something geyser?
Does it look like a spaceship with a big clock on the back?
‐ The Retrace‐Your‐Stepalizer. It's high‐tech shoes
that allow the wearer to travel back in time
to places they've stood in the past.
These things cost $11 billion a shoe.
‐ Do they light up? ‐ Mine do.
‐ Oh, why do you get the cool ones? ‐ Because I'm in charge.
Failure to comply could result in catastrophic outcomes
for the space‐time continuum. Do you understand, Terry?
While using the Retrace‐Your‐Stepalizers,
no one in the past will be able to see or hear us.
Two, we can only stay in the past for eight hours or we'll turn into slime.
Three, we can't learn anything new...
TERRY: Note to self, the pretzel bite is the most underrated appetizer.
Someone should say something to whoever is making those menus.
Those pesky menus. Some of them are too long.
Too many items. That's why I don't eat Chinese.
No other reason‐‐ ‐ Are you listening to me?
‐ Yeah, yeah, slime, keep going.
‐ Jesse, ugh, you left the Pretend‐O‐Deck open again.
AISHA: Welcome back to the Pretend‐O‐Deck, Yumyulack.
‐ Hey, Aisha, play the last program that Jesse was running.
AISHA: Well, that's an invasion of her privacy, don't you think?
Override protocol.
Password: Panera Bread with 3's for the E's.
AISHA: Override accepted. Resuming last program, you little creep.
‐ Hello, Jesse, I'm Funyulack.
Want to continue our awesome makeover montage?
We left off on a cowboy outfit.
‐ What the hell is this? What are you supposed to be?
‐ I'm Funyulack. I'm exactly like you,
but funner and nicer and I know how to braid and bake bread.
Every time I walk into a room, someone says, "Oh, great."
[Jesse's voice] He tried to trade me
to a witch for a PS4.
‐ Yeah, but she wouldn't take the deal.
You can't complain about almost being traded to a witch.
‐ [Jesse's voice] He makes fun of the way I walk and breathe.
Have you ever watched her walk? It's all clop, clop, clop, gasp, gasp.
‐ [normal voice] I like the way she walks. Shoot me.
I think it's elegant. ‐ Then why don't you two get married?
This is messed up. I'm super nice.
I guess I'll have to force Jesse to like me
with Craig T. and Nelson.
or we'll turn into slime. Are you sleeping?
It's more like we're ghosts. ‐ Uh, well then,
how are we getting your wallet?
‐ We'll have to use the Retouch‐Your‐Stuff‐Alizer.
♪ dramatic musical flourish ♪
‐ Wow, that came from the homeworld?
Uh, kind of just looks like a stick with a spork.
‐ You know, you're supposed to get a license to use one of these,
but that office blew up, so we should be fine.
[dramatic whooshing]
♪
Beautiful Shlorp.
Oh, how I've missed this wonderful strict totalitarian place.
‐ A lot smaller than I remember.
‐ Ah, I never thought I'd see my old quarters again.
Oh, God, I made love to a lot of equations in here.
‐ Oh, you fucked math? Rad.
[gasps] It's young you.
Damn, girl, you used to be way skinnier.
Oh, seriously, stand next to yourself. See the difference.
You have let yourself go!
‐ Oh, that's perfect, Terry. I will now use the stick
to hit the wallet into our ship at the space port.
It should then be in the ship when we return to the present.
‐ Are you missing on purpose just to make me giggle?
‐ Stop watching me. ‐ It's working.
‐ Don't watch me do this.
♪ bright music playing ♪
‐ Oh, hello, little one.
Would you like a stale cookie from a rusty tin?
[dramatic whooshing]
Where am I? Are we dead?
‐ [deep voice] Good afternoon, Lorraine. ‐ Ah!
Your children moved away. Your husband is gone.
Even your friends have died.
All you have left are your memories.
I can access your mind and show you anything you've ever seen.
Is there something you've lost that you can't remember
which I can give you?
I just wish I could see her one last time.
♪ serene music playing ♪
♪
‐ Everyone is so relaxed even though they're about to explode.
Truly the mark of an advanced society. Except for the panic zones.
‐ I have resigned myself to death,
although I will miss my friends and family when I'm gone.
‐ Oof, that guy's embarrassing himself.
‐ Hey, we're almost at the space port.
‐ You got this, boy!
‐ Damn it!
‐ Hey, mission accomplished. Now let's get back.
I gotta watch some more Hulu Vizu.
[dramatic whooshing]
‐ Finally, some answers about the Pupa. All right, [clears throat]
If your Pupa turns orange, it means it ate something orange.
‐ Well, I did feed it a bag of Doritos Cheetos party blast.
You know, the same stuff that turned me orange when I ate it last year.
‐ This is a relief. We aren't going to get consumed by the Pupa,
at least not today, and we changed the past without creating
a single unintended butterfly effect. So we really slam dunked it.
‐ Look at us, we're ballers. ‐ We are ballers, ho ho.
‐ Hey, futtbuckers! Ha ha!
We're outta Stella.
♪ dramatic musical flourish ♪
Is somebody gonna go, uh, replenish?
‐ Wait, what? Who the fuck are you?
‐ Holy shit, there's an alien in our house!
Help me organize all my vests and fingerless gloves.
‐ Who are you and what are you doing in our house?
We escaped Shlorp together, remember?
‐ Vanbo? Am I saying that right? Vanbo?
[chuckles] You really put on the pounds, pal.
You're lookin' like a blue Shrek.
[in Shrek voice] Where's your donkey at, blue Shrek?
[laughs]
Oh, and Terry, I broke your PS4 because I tried to cook a little pizza in it.
Okay, what the shit is going on?
‐ We must have inadvertently changed something in the past,
resulting in us now being in a dark, deviant time stream.
and has been living with us this whole time.
‐ Hey, man, I‐I‐I can't live with a dude this basic.
I bet he has a true crime podcast. Like he does one.
Listening, cool. Doing one, yee‐hee.
‐ We have to go back to the past and undo the wallet change,
which should return us to the correct time stream.
‐ And that'll get rid of Vanbo?
‐ In the previous time stream, Vanbo surely died on Shlorp.
So yes, but this isn't about Vanbo. This is about fixing the time stream.
but you're sure Vanbo will die?
‐ Yes, his body will be vaporized by the asteroid.
We're‐we're heroes. VANBO: Terry, get in the kitchen
and make me a lean pork sandwich!
[banging on door] ‐ Quick, come on, go, let's go.
[dramatic whooshing]
There's our stick.
Now all we have to do is hit the wallet back out.
That should undo the changes to the time stream.
‐ We're heroes. ‐ Total heroes.
[dramatic whooshing]
‐ Really? ‐ Mm, yes.
‐ Jeez Louise, are you on your zeriod or something?
‐ Yeah, but it has nothing to do with it.
I just want you to like me without earning it.
I want unconditional like.
‐ No, I just, I just, I don't want to worry about you
zapping me in the back with a crazy sci‐fi gun when I piss you off.
‐ Ah, I don't know! Fuck you!
‐ Uh, phone call for drama queen!
‐ Vanbo? Is there anyone named Vanbo here?
Looking for a Vanbo. ‐ What? No.
‐ Yes, yes, yes, all right. ‐ Yeah! Yeah‐yee!
‐ He's out running an errand.
‐ Hey‐o, Vanbo's back! [chuckles]
Great news. I traded the gold‐making machine
for these expensive rats.
[exclaiming]
See? They love you already.
Check it out. Give 'em a little kiss.
how the hell Vanbo keeps surviving planetary destruction.
‐ I, I don't even remember living with the guy.
‐ Time travel should be clear and linear. This isn't my fault.
‐ Well, it's not my fault.
Oh, look, hey, it's the past us meeting for the first time.
Aw, look at that.
I assume you love science and worship at the altar of logic.
‐ Hell yeah. Science rules.
I love that stuff and I'm a Pupa expert. I know everything about the Pupa.
‐ No, I wanna follow past me.
‐ Terry, since neither of us remember meeting Vanbo,
we must both be outside observers for the other.
‐ [gasps] I'm young again.
‐ Honey, can you help me unload these groceries from the Piggly Wiggly?
‐ Aw, that's a nice thing to say.
‐ Come, run with me.
[laughter]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
[gulls cawing]
[giggles]
‐ Oh, my sweet mother. Now that I remember her face,
I'll be able to find her when I'm in heaven.
I can die now knowing that everything will be okay.
Oh, thank you. There has to be some way
I can repay you for this.
Inside are two AA batteries and a Harry Potter whistle.
Get them for me.
‐ You want batteries? ‐ And a Harry Potter whistle.
‐ Oh, man, you were right. I'm not nice.
This sucks. I thought I was great.
‐ Yumyulack, my friend, recognizing you suck
is the first step towards de‐suckifying.
‐ Okay, fuckface, tell me how to be nice to Jesse and do it yesterday.
‐ Well, we usually just hang out at her favorite place.
‐ Oh, my God, this is so dumb.
‐ Welcome to the Pasteur Pasteurized Yogurt Parlor,
the world's first Louis Pasteur‐themed yogurt shop.
so it's safe to drink, yo?
‐ That's what pasteurization is, my man.
That's something I would say. You are like me.
‐ I am not. Now, I'm gonna show you how to be nice.
Aisha, give us a little Jesse hologram up in this business.
AISHA: Okay.
‐ Hey, Jesse. You smell great today.
Why don't we all sample some flavors together?
‐ Thanks, best friend.
I wanna try Measles Inoculation Pineapple.
‐ Die! Me first!
‐ Freeze program. Yum, baby, you are so not money right now.
Do you really think it was nice telling her to die?
‐ Yes. ‐ No, it was mean.
‐ Hey, you tricked me! ‐ Okay, let's go back to the basics.
Just try smiling at her.
‐ [groans]
‐ Oh, this is gonna be a long night.
We better put on a pot of hologram coffee.
AISHA: Mm‐hmm.
‐ Oh, soil, the womb in which we grow. Your secrets never cease to delight me.
‐ Oof, what a dork.
COMPUTER: Work relaxation period commencing.
‐ Work colleagues, I just met my assigned Pupa specialist,
and he is‐‐ ‐ Handsome, he's gonna say handsome.
‐ An idiot. Just look at that stupid face.
He probably doesn't even know his florvox array
from his gortrino phase oscillatorr.
[laughter] ‐ Un‐believ‐able.
♪ dramatic musical flourish ♪
‐ Place your Pupa in a one‐centimeter‐deep pool of pigment
and let it ink itself for three hours.
‐ What up, Teri? I missed you, babe.
Missed you, little boo‐boo. You're my boo‐boo girl.
‐ Good grief, that smokeshow is Terry's life mate?
And its name is also Teri? How has he never mentioned this?
‐ Oh, man, I just met my evacuation partner.
Total derf.
Sucks that I can't take you instead of his boring, flat ass.
‐ Number 31827, be quiet! Also, button your top button.
‐ But I look way cooler this way.
‐ Conformity is cool!
ALL: Conformity is cool, conformity is cool,
conformity is cool.
‐ Yes, Jesse, your choice of vanilla is fine
and [whimpers] not for babies.
‐ No, you can't‐‐ wait, you did it. Aisha, analyze malice.
AISHA: No malice detected.
‐ I did it. ‐ Congratulations, Yumyulack.
For all your hard work, I'd like to reward you
with this sticker of your favorite Avenger.
He's got a quiver. His real name is Clint.
Whoo, my superpower is aim. Aim at you, aim at you.
‐ You're gonna sleep like a log tonight. ‐ Aim at you, aim at you...
‐ Oh, ew.
When's the last time you cleaned out the Wall?
It's been getting super gross in there ever since they invented religion.
‐ Jesse, hello. I wanted to greet you
and tell you that your bow looks nice.
‐ It‐‐ wait, is this a trap?
Because you have to tell me if it's a trap.
‐ I came in here to compliment you. ‐ You did?
‐ Yes, and I did it. Gotta go before I mess it up.
You look great, bye! [door closes]
♪
‐ You son of a bitch. ‐ Oh, yeah, well guess what?
You suck. ‐ You wanted to bring
your stupid life mate to Earth, huh?
You‐you think Teri with an "I" is better than me?
‐ You think I have a stupid face
and that I don't know what I'm doing with the Pupa.
‐ You don't! [both grunting]
‐ Well, I did it. I was nice to Jesse.
I'm the nicest motherfucker you've ever met.
‐ This is wonderful. ‐ Thank you so, so much
for spending all that time making me a better alien.
And now that I'm nice, I can delete your ass.
‐ Hey, deleting someone isn't nice. ‐ Yeah, I know.
But I never want Jesse to find out that I needed training wheels for this stuff.
So you gotta get trashed.
‐ Well, it was a pleasure teaching you.
You know, I actually learned something from you, too.
‐ Oh, yeah, what was that? ‐ How to be a dick!
Eat my finger!
[both grunting]
AISHA: Oh, my God! What the heck?
‐ Jesse's finally getting the brother she deserves.
‐ All right, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
Enough, we're done. The partnership is over.
‐ Agreed. ‐ When we get back to our time,
I'm packing up and moving to San Diego.
I'll rent a condo in the Gaslamp and eat fish tacos every day
and never think of you. ‐ The sooner the better.
You and I have never done anything good together.
Oh, wow, look how cute the replicants are.
‐ Oh, they really are. We're all cute.
‐ Would you look at us? Two regular aliens with their replicants
thinking that they're gonna go out into space
and terraform a rogue moon or something.
‐ We had no idea what we were in for.
‐ You know, Terry, we spent so much time on Earth pretending to be a family,
I didn't even notice when we actually became one.
‐ Yeah, I think we sealed the deal on that
when we all saw Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.
You remember? Tom Cruise? TC?
‐ [chuckles] Terry, I think you're right.
We all really liked that movie. Together.
Hey, remember when we made a real Funbucket
and it went crazy and attacked the town?
TERRY: Oh, yeah, yeah, that was awesome.
Hey, how about when we built the "manc ave"?
You had to bury the cuck robot in the backyard.
KORVO: He loved it. Or remember that day
when everything was a musical?
TERRY: Yeah, or what about when we teamed up with the Simpsons
for a game against the Monstars from Space Jam ?
‐ You know, we may not have chosen each other, Terry,
but we've built a good life.
I don't want to throw that away. ‐ Neither do I, Korvo.
Holy shit! ‐ Hey.
Did you peep that photo of my mound I sent you?
Pretty tight, right?
What do you mean you hated it?
You don't want a photo of my tiny, hairless mound?
Didn't you see the crust?
‐ There's Vanbo! What‐what‐what do we do?
‐ This is our chance to set things right. Hit him with the time stick!
‐ The what now? ‐ The Retouch‐Your‐Stuff‐Alizer.
‐ Oh, duh, yeah, right.
‐ Huh?
[grunting]
Stop it!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
[all grunting]
[electricity zapping]
♪ music intensifies ♪
‐ Wait, this is where you wanna take me?
I thought you said frozen yogurt was ice cream for narcs.
‐ Ooh, it is, but now I'm nice to you, which means eating
disgusting cold slime even if it tastes like dust.
‐ Are you feeling okay, Yumyulack?
‐ Oh, yeah, please, go ahead of me in line.
I would be happy to hold your purse while you sample some flavors.
‐ You're offering to hold my purse? ‐ Correct.
‐ While I go first? ‐ Of course.
‐ Well, okay, that sounds great.
Let me just, uh, here, it's in here...
[grunts]
‐ Oh, my God. What's wrong with you?
‐ Don't worry, that's not my brother.
It's a Pretend‐O‐Deck simulation that's transferred his consciousness
to a 3D printed body and is trying to take his place.
‐ Jesse, why? I was... nice.
‐ I'm calling the police. Don't move.
[dramatic whooshing]
You turned him into a Game Boy cartridge.
‐ Just forget what you saw here, sir. ‐ I can't!
It's so specific!
‐ Uh, please wake up. I'm so sorry I created Funyulack.
You can be kind of a jerk sometimes but you're my brother and I love you.
Mwah. Bleh. ‐ Hi, Jesse.
Would you like to continue our discussion of who is hotter, Peeta or Gale?
Or we could play Mall Madness and practice our dance moves.
‐ You're not Yumyulack. You're Funyulack!
‐ Thank you for those sweet, sweet kisses.
‐ Freeze program, freeze program. Oh, God, no, I killed Yumyulack.
I killed Yumyulack and turned his body into a Game Boy cartridge!
Just like that fortune cookie said I would!
[all grunting]
‐ Who's a blue Shrek now, bitch?
‐ We gotta get rid of this body, man.
‐ Do you have the thing that turns them into Game Boy cartridges?
‐ Ah, no, I never bring it when I end up needing it.
[squishing]
‐ Remember, Terry, we're heroes.
[dramatic whooshing]
‐ We did it, Vanbo's gone. ‐ We repaired the time stream.
‐ Hey, yeah! ‐ [chuckles]
This is very good.
[loud rumbling]
‐ Huh. ‐ It appears we may have
slightly altered the time stream.
‐ Um, well, it's not so bad.
I mean, I can live with this as long as Vanbo's not around.
‐ Hello, futtbuckers.
‐ Vanbo? What are you doing here?
Your ass should be dead as hell!
‐ Should be dead as hell. But I was rescued
and nursed back to health by a very special person.
‐ Hey, Terry.
‐ Teri with an "I"? What the heck are you doing here?
‐ I'm Vanbo's science partner now.
And my name's not Teri with an "I" anymore.
Mm‐mm, it's Vanbi, also spelled with an "I."
‐ Fuck, that's so cool.
‐ We've been searching the galaxy for you two.
I know you guys attacked me with your time stick on Shlorp.
‐ We, uh, we‐we don't know what you're talking about.
‐ I have some important news to tell you.
Shlorp never blew up!
BOTH: What?
‐ And I've come to take both of you back so you can be tried
and executed for using a Retouch‐Your‐Stuff‐Alizer
without a license!
BOTH: What? ‐ Terry, Korvo.
I killed Yumyulack and turned his body into a Game Boy cartridge.
He's gone forever. ALL: What?
‐ Oh, and one more thing. After we all leave,
I'm gonna blow up this stupid fucking Earth planet
just because that's how Vanbo do.
‐ This can't be happening! [cries]
Why, why is this happening.
‐ Wait! She's right.
This can't be happening. ‐ But it is.
‐ Doesn't it seem like too many big crazy events all at once?
I mean, that‐that's not how life works, man.
No, no, no. This doesn't feel real.
‐ Ooh, this guy's lost it. Everybody gather around.
Let's watch him shit his pants. ‐ Don't you see?
The time travelling, dead Yumyulack, Shlorp didn't explode.
I mean, come on. That's like‐‐ it's so much stuff.
Think about it. That's, like, way too much.
If you had a list, it's too much!
‐ It is sort of contrived. ‐ Right?
I mean, how are we sure that we're not in a The Matrix?
or a Matrix Reloaded?
‐ Because there would be green numbers floating around
and leather sunglasses. ‐ Well, it's gotta be something.
Okay, and I can figure this out.
I mean, we could be in an eXistenZ‐type sitch.
‐ Stop it! Last week, you thought we were in an eXistenZ
because the drive‐thru gave us an extra order of fries.
We can't be in an eXistenZ every time you're freaking out.
‐ Oh, really, smart guy? You're telling me
we have time travelling shoes that we can use whenever we want?
You're always wanting to know stuff about the Pupa.
Why haven't you been using those shoes, man?
Why haven't you been using the shoes?
‐ I‐I‐I'm sure there's a logical explanation for that.
‐ No, there isn't, okay? Shut the fuck up.
We've gotta be in some fucked up Strange Days Altered States Lawnmower Man
Horton Hears a Who thing.
‐ Maybe we're in a Tron. ‐ Don't egg him on.
This isn't a Tron. ‐ Ooh, maybe we're in a dream.
‐ Now you're talking.
I mean, I‐I‐I‐I bet we're all in some kind of crazy Dreamscape‐ style
Inception What Dreams May Come Joseph and the Amazing
Technicolor Dreamcoat dream.
‐ That's impossible. Nobody traps Korvo in a dream.
‐ Whose dream are we in, huh? Wake up, wake up.
‐ Stop that, cut it out!
‐ You have to wake up. ‐ Don't touch me, Vanbo.
Stop it. ‐ Wake up.
‐ Wake up, Korvo, come on. You can do it.
‐ Stop sleeping, Korvo. Wake up!
‐ Damn it, wake up. ‐ I'm trying.
I'm trying! ‐ Wake up!
‐ Oh, uh, how long have you guys been on the Pretend‐O‐Deck?
‐ Ha, I knew it. None of that stuff happened.
♪ Harry Potter theme song on whistle ♪
What the? How does the Pupa keep getting that Harry Potter whistle?
I thought we locked it up. ‐ How does he keep getting that thing?
‐ Don't everybody look at me. ‐ You obviously gave it to him.
‐ I did not. ‐ Damn it, Terry.
You've gotta stop raising false alarms about the Pupa.
You're making me gooble. I'm‐I'm gooblering.
‐ Uh, okay, all right.
[Pupa squishing]
‐ Weird, he's never done that before. ‐ Pupa, stop that.
Do you think we should tell Terry and Korvo?
‐ No, they're already all wound up.
‐ But what if he evolves and kills all of us?
‐ Yeah, right. Like that'll ever happen.
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
‐ See you next season, everyone.
♪ dance music playing ♪
♪
KORVO [echoing] Terry!
‐ Hulu. Hulu. Hu‐lu.
[imitating laser fire]