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♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
2
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:07,050
♪
3
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:09,469
I'm so flippin' stoked to finally go
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00:00:09,469 --> 00:00:13,139
to the newest, most-cash-grabbiest
Instagram attraction in town:
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00:00:13,139 --> 00:00:14,891
the Sprinkle Museum.
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I'm gonna take a thirst trap
with every kinda sprinkle there is.
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00:00:17,561 --> 00:00:19,729
Jimmies, nonpareils,
even the fucking blue ones!
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Nobody's going anywhere.
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I have to express your mounds.
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The stink is attracting
those giant spiders again.
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Fuck that, no way.
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Not the brusher.
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Just let us be stanky!
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- My mound, my choice.
- Hell no.
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I'm tired of slipping on pus
when I'm doing my Tae Bo.
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Bend over.
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Jesse, hold this bag
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and collect all the dribblings
and the sprays.
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- Ecch! It's gonna get on me.
- Be proud.
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'Tis one of the great Shlorpian honors
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to hold the mound gunk satchel.
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I'll never forgive you for this, Korvo!
I hate you!
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[brush whirring]
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[Yumyulack laughing]
[Jesse gagging]
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Woo-hoo! It tickles.
It tickles.
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- Do, do, do, do, do, do.
- Ugh.
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Get it all, Jesse!
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We can pour it in molds
and make our own gummy bears.
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TERRY: Ooh, are we getting
our mounds expressed?
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Me next, me next!
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Alright, Terry, you can be next,
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just drop your pants and let's see--
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[Korvo screams]
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- [Yumyulack gasps]
- Jesus Jessica Parker.
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- TERRY: What?
- Terry, you have a human penis!
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And you're human!
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I'm, I'm a human
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and I've got a slightly
above average human penis!
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[Korvo, Yumyulack, and Jesse scream]
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
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until the asteroid hit.
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa,
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and escaped into the... space,
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
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We crashed on Earth,
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stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
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That's right, I've been talking
this whole time.
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
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My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
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Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
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Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
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It's a horrible home.
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People are stupid and confusing.
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Why do they always say what happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas,
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but then they never freeze time there.
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If you're gonna cheat on your wife,
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have the dignity to use
a chrononullifier,
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Anthony K. Delgado Jr.!
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♪ dramatic music ♪
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Wow. You gotta touch these ears.
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I can't believe I got a penis
and a nose and a dick
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and a head full of hair
and a schlong.
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Jeepers. I can't believe
you're actually human.
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This is so cool.
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Oh, my gosh.
Do you have a butt hole?
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I don't know. You tell me.
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[Jesse and Yumyulack cheering]
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- He's got a butt hole.
- He's got a butt hole.
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- He's got a butt hole!
- He's got a butt hole!
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Oh, what kind of stuff
should I put in it?
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Ooh, give me that gunk wand!
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Nuh-uh. Nobody's putting
anything in Terry's butt hole.
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Except me.
After we figure out how this happened.
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Oh, come on. You never let me
put anything in anything.
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[machine whirring]
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Damn it. It's just as I feared.
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Terry's body transformation is
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a natural Shlorpian reaction
to being on the planet
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for too long without the Pupa
terraforming it.
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What does that have to do with it?
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His physical form has adapted
to better assimilate
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among the planet's dominant species.
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Blade? Am I a Daywalker?
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No! Humans!
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How come it happened to Terry first?
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Because he's weak-minded
and succumbed to the temptations
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of human culture long before you two did.
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That's me, baby.
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Succumbin' to the temp-tache
of the cultch.
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Will me and Jesse turn human too?
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Of course! You two have succumbed
to popular culture as much as Terry.
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Jesse with boy-toyin'
and Yumyulack with your tea-bagging.
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At least we'll be humans together.
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Ha! I will remain
a perfect shade of blue
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because I haven't succumbed
to a single temp-tache.
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I'm Shlorpian ride or die. No cap.
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Is it too late to do anything about it?
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The transformation takes six months
to become permanent.
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It's like when you're making panna cotta,
the cream has to set.
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I hate when Korvo
compares things to panna cotta.
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The Book of Boba Fett
versus Alien vs. Predator
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is nothing like panna cotta.
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Well, I guess we just kick back
and enjoy watching me
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get snackier and drippier by the day!
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Now, if you excuse me,
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I'm gonna go to Cos' and get linen pants.
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No, it's too dangerous to wait.
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Being Shlorpian is who we are,
and we can't lose that.
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We must leave Earth immediately.
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Being in outer space
will cause you to revert
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to your natural form.
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But, but, but what about
the Sprinkle Museum?
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They just disinfected
from the meningitis.
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No! There'll be
no sprinkle selfies today.
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Everyone to the ship!
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Where the fuck's my ship?
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Hold on, does this mean the ship
can actually be flown around?
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I thought it was broken.
That's kind of a big deal, you know?
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[sighs] The ship has worked
since last year
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when I turned into goo.
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I didn't tell you because
everyone was having such a good time
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as a team here on Earth.
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Aww, that's so sweet.
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Being sweet was wrong!
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I should have stayed harsh.
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Oh, my God, I can't believe
you guys didn't know
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the ship works.
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I take it out every Sunday
when Korvo isn't watching.
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What? How?
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You can't even use the transmogrifier
without burning your hands.
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You made me read the manual,
like, a hundred times
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under threat of death!
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Fuck, that's right.
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Okay, fine,
well, where is it then?
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Um, I recently borrowed it
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for one of my iconic Friday through Sunday
"Terry Freak-ends."
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Dang, this new human brain
runs hot and slow.
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Havin' a hard time
remembering the deets.
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Do you really not remember
or are you just saying
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you don't remember because you wanna stall
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and do shit in your human body
before we leave.
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- A little bit of both.
- Terrald!
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Look, I just wanna experience
what being human's like.
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Anyway, I'll be back. Byeeeee!
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Terry, get back here,
we have to find the ship!
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Oh!
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Fucking spiders! Damn it!
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Okay, our only course of action
is to blow the horn
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that calls giant monsters out of the sea
and use them to hunt down Terry
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and force him to tell us
where the ship is.
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It'll cause devastating earthquakes
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and most of us won't survive,
but it's our only option left.
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[spider screeches]
[Korvo gasps]
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Shit!
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YUMYULACK: I don't know what
you're so worried about.
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Every time Terry runs away,
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you know he comes crawling back
when he realizes
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this is where
all his action figures are stored.
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Usually, he hasn't lost
the ship full of all the stuff
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that makes me awesome.
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JESSE:
Guys, guys, guys.
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I found Terry's
Veronica's Closet lunchbox.
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Maybe there's something
in these treasures
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that could tell us where he went.
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Phoenix feather,
that bullet you guys bought,
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a witch's finger.
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Oh! A roll of 35-millimeter film
marked "freak-end."
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To the dark room.
Yes! Woo!
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[groans]
I'll be there in a minute.
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Keep sucking, get all around the rim.
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♪ suspenseful music ♪
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♪
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Look, Terry went to MTV's Spring Break:
Running of the Bulls.
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The ship must still be in Pamplona.
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Tight! I'll get the hover platform.
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It's on the ship
along with all the other stuff
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that makes our lives
so easy breezy.
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So how on God's green earth
are we getting to Spain?
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An airplane?
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No, we're still trying
to get off the no-fly list
181
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for that time Terry tried
to join the Mile High Club
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by himself in the aisle.
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Luckily, Mr. Awesome Genius
foresaw this possibility
184
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and constructed a secret backup vehicle
185
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and stored it in an underground bunker
186
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in the backyard a year ago.
187
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Now all we need to do
is buy some shovels.
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I guess Mr. Awesome Genius
didn't think
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to leave himself a tunnel.
190
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I think you like an excuse
to go to the hardware store.
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I do not.
192
00:05:58,610 --> 00:06:00,195
Hey, Dale, how's that shed going?
193
00:06:00,195 --> 00:06:01,529
Get that hinge on.
194
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:03,031
Maurice! Upgrading the old pergola!
195
00:06:03,031 --> 00:06:04,491
That's gonna be peaceful as fuck.
196
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[singing] ♪ Having some fun
at the hardware store ♪
197
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♪ Saws and paints
and so much more ♪
198
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This would be a lot faster
if we had the shovel ray.
199
00:06:12,999 --> 00:06:14,751
Well, thanks to Terry, we don't.
200
00:06:14,751 --> 00:06:17,462
God knows what that selfish fuck
is up to right now.
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♪ sensual music ♪
202
00:06:18,505 --> 00:06:21,758
[Terry laughing]
203
00:06:21,758 --> 00:06:23,385
Oh.
204
00:06:23,385 --> 00:06:25,178
♪ sensual music ♪
205
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Damn, you're human as fuck.
206
00:06:27,180 --> 00:06:29,099
Thank you.
You wanna see my human penis?
207
00:06:29,099 --> 00:06:30,267
Fuck yeah. Whip it out.
208
00:06:30,725 --> 00:06:32,602
[shovels scraping]
209
00:06:33,395 --> 00:06:35,605
Okay. This should be it.
My secret vehicle.
210
00:06:37,148 --> 00:06:39,484
Oh, no, the robots from season one.
211
00:06:39,484 --> 00:06:41,695
Shut the door before they talk
or we'll have to pay em'!
212
00:06:41,695 --> 00:06:43,113
[mechanical whirring]
[door clangs]
213
00:06:43,113 --> 00:06:45,198
Okay, here we go, this is it.
214
00:06:45,198 --> 00:06:48,577
[mechanical whirring]
215
00:06:48,577 --> 00:06:50,870
Behold the Hammerhead 2.
216
00:06:50,870 --> 00:06:52,455
What was the "Hammerhead 1"?
217
00:06:52,455 --> 00:06:54,124
I just put a "2" at the end
of this because I thought
218
00:06:54,124 --> 00:06:55,333
it sounded more kickass.
219
00:06:55,333 --> 00:06:56,418
Hammerhead 2!
220
00:06:56,418 --> 00:06:59,045
YUMYULACK/JESSE:
Hammerhead 2! Hammerhead 2!
221
00:06:59,546 --> 00:07:02,090
It's got an advanced design
I cribbed from a He-Man toy
222
00:07:02,090 --> 00:07:04,092
that can traverse any environment.
223
00:07:04,092 --> 00:07:05,093
Let's go!
224
00:07:05,093 --> 00:07:06,595
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
What's up, buddies?
225
00:07:06,595 --> 00:07:09,014
Welcome aboard
the Hammerhead Dos!
226
00:07:09,014 --> 00:07:11,057
Call me the Weasel.
227
00:07:11,057 --> 00:07:12,350
Yowwww!
228
00:07:12,350 --> 00:07:13,727
Is it on Pauly Shore mode?
229
00:07:13,727 --> 00:07:15,437
That's gonna get annoying fast.
230
00:07:15,437 --> 00:07:16,855
It's just what
a computer voice sounds like
231
00:07:16,855 --> 00:07:19,107
if it's been buried
and forgotten for a year.
232
00:07:19,107 --> 00:07:20,984
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Pam-pa-lone-a!
233
00:07:20,984 --> 00:07:22,319
Sweet, buddy.
234
00:07:22,319 --> 00:07:24,863
Estimated arrival: 14 days.
235
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YUMYULACK/JESSE:
Aww.
236
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Those times always drop
once you get on the road.
237
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[mechanical whirring]
238
00:07:31,244 --> 00:07:33,246
♪ upbeat music ♪
239
00:07:33,246 --> 00:07:35,540
[crowd cheering]
240
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,375
[bull bellows]
[man screams]
241
00:07:38,460 --> 00:07:40,921
Stupid fucking GPS.
That took forever.
242
00:07:40,921 --> 00:07:42,756
I don't know,
seems like we made good time
243
00:07:42,756 --> 00:07:45,550
considering we had to sidewind
across the ocean floor.
244
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Look around for any sign
of the ship or Terry.
245
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:49,846
That's one of Terry's stupid shirts!
246
00:07:49,846 --> 00:07:51,765
Hey, lady,
where'd you get your t-shirt?
247
00:07:51,765 --> 00:07:53,558
This old-ass alien gave it to me
for showing him
248
00:07:53,558 --> 00:07:55,310
how to do winged eyeliner.
249
00:07:55,310 --> 00:07:57,187
- Did he have a ship?
- Yep.
250
00:07:57,187 --> 00:07:58,104
Did you fuck him?
251
00:07:58,104 --> 00:07:59,564
I totally would have,
252
00:07:59,564 --> 00:08:02,609
but he said he was in love
with some guy named Crumbo.
253
00:08:02,609 --> 00:08:04,277
Who the shit is Crumbo?
254
00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:05,111
Korvo.
255
00:08:05,111 --> 00:08:06,696
Oh. Right. 'Cause I love crumbs.
256
00:08:06,696 --> 00:08:07,948
Well, what did he do with the ship?
257
00:08:07,948 --> 00:08:09,658
I don't know, last I heard,
258
00:08:09,658 --> 00:08:12,827
he and the amateur circus
were gonna fly it to Burning Man.
259
00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:14,829
That flaming gentleman
must be where the ship is!
260
00:08:14,829 --> 00:08:16,873
Solars-minus-Terry, rollout!
261
00:08:17,374 --> 00:08:19,251
Set course for Nevada!
262
00:08:19,251 --> 00:08:21,044
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Oh, bummer, buddy.
263
00:08:21,044 --> 00:08:22,879
Due to mucho heavy headwinds,
264
00:08:22,879 --> 00:08:24,297
arrival time is:
265
00:08:24,297 --> 00:08:26,132
16 days.
266
00:08:26,132 --> 00:08:26,967
Come on!
267
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:30,929
Ah, shoot, I'm doing a glow!
268
00:08:30,929 --> 00:08:32,681
♪ angelic vocalizing ♪
269
00:08:35,392 --> 00:08:38,520
Guys, guys! I'm a human!
And I gots boobs!
270
00:08:38,520 --> 00:08:41,565
Let me touch 'em! Uh, I-I-I mean,
who cares, humans are lame.
271
00:08:41,565 --> 00:08:42,941
Shit. I told you this would happen.
272
00:08:42,941 --> 00:08:44,401
We just have to keep looking for the ship.
273
00:08:44,401 --> 00:08:45,443
Don't panic, stay on course.
274
00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:47,862
Panic? Look at me!
275
00:08:47,862 --> 00:08:50,949
I'm young, hot, and ready
to sign up for a student loan!
276
00:08:50,949 --> 00:08:52,158
Don't you pull a Terry!
277
00:08:52,158 --> 00:08:54,661
I wanna experience
the uniquely human activities
278
00:08:54,661 --> 00:08:56,162
I've always dreamed about,
279
00:08:56,162 --> 00:08:57,956
like waiting in line at the DMV,
280
00:08:57,956 --> 00:08:59,749
paying taxes,
and having jury duty!
281
00:08:59,749 --> 00:09:01,293
That's what you've always wanted?
282
00:09:01,293 --> 00:09:04,546
Aliens never get to do all
the boring, mundane human stuff.
283
00:09:04,546 --> 00:09:07,132
I gotta skedaddle! Toodle-oo!
284
00:09:07,132 --> 00:09:08,884
Fucking goddammit!
[sighs]
285
00:09:08,884 --> 00:09:10,510
I guess it's just you and me, Yumyulack.
286
00:09:10,510 --> 00:09:11,636
The original bad boys.
287
00:09:11,636 --> 00:09:13,054
Hammerhead 2, get us out of here
288
00:09:13,054 --> 00:09:14,389
and this time avoid highways.
289
00:09:14,389 --> 00:09:16,099
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
New route locked in.
290
00:09:16,099 --> 00:09:17,851
Updated arrival time:
291
00:09:17,851 --> 00:09:19,227
20 days.
[men grunt]
292
00:09:19,227 --> 00:09:20,061
Son of a bitch!
293
00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,605
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Ow, ow!
294
00:09:23,607 --> 00:09:25,609
♪ upbeat energetic music ♪
295
00:09:27,944 --> 00:09:31,531
It's official, people.
The man is burnt!
296
00:09:31,531 --> 00:09:34,117
WICKER MAN:
Oh, please, release me.
297
00:09:34,117 --> 00:09:36,077
Let me go back to my home world.
298
00:09:36,077 --> 00:09:38,038
Have I not suffered enough?
299
00:09:38,038 --> 00:09:40,040
Oh, thank you, kind s--
[gunshot]
300
00:09:41,791 --> 00:09:43,501
I can't believe
Terry and Jesse bailed on us.
301
00:09:43,501 --> 00:09:46,171
Thank you for remaining dedicated
to the mission, Yumyulack.
302
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,006
You are now officially the good replicant.
303
00:09:48,006 --> 00:09:50,550
Sure, whatever.
Check out what Jesse's been up to.
304
00:09:50,550 --> 00:09:52,135
JESSE [on phone]:
What is up to my followers!
305
00:09:52,135 --> 00:09:54,971
J-So here at the Social
Security Administration,
306
00:09:54,971 --> 00:09:57,724
finally getting my very own
Social Security Number.
307
00:09:57,724 --> 00:10:00,227
Bwaaap bwaaap!
Bweep bweep bweep bweep!
308
00:10:00,227 --> 00:10:03,647
Heck yeah! 987-65-4322! That's me!
309
00:10:03,647 --> 00:10:04,481
Ooh ooh ohh!
310
00:10:04,481 --> 00:10:05,523
Ignore her base humanity,
311
00:10:05,523 --> 00:10:07,609
just be alert for any signs of the ship.
Ugh!
312
00:10:08,360 --> 00:10:11,196
That hasheesh man is living
in part of my stardrive!
313
00:10:11,988 --> 00:10:13,615
Drug addict. Where did you get this?
314
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:16,660
Aw, man.
This alien dude traded it to me
315
00:10:16,660 --> 00:10:18,370
for a jar of clean piss,
316
00:10:18,370 --> 00:10:20,747
which he drank without sharing.
317
00:10:20,747 --> 00:10:22,290
- Clean piss. Lucky!
- Yup, that's Terry.
318
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:24,709
That dude was weird.
319
00:10:24,709 --> 00:10:27,170
I don't know if he's
gonna make it to Vegas.
320
00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,004
Las Vegas?
321
00:10:28,004 --> 00:10:29,839
But he swore he would never go back
after he didn't make
322
00:10:29,839 --> 00:10:32,842
the cast of Brah,
The Blink 182 Cirque du Soleil show.
323
00:10:32,842 --> 00:10:36,763
Dude, he was ranting about
something called Sabacc.
324
00:10:36,763 --> 00:10:37,681
What the hell is that?
325
00:10:37,681 --> 00:10:39,683
It's a fictional card game
he saw in a movie.
326
00:10:39,683 --> 00:10:41,560
Terry only likes to play games
with deep ties
327
00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:42,602
to cannon and lore.
328
00:10:42,602 --> 00:10:45,146
Why does he have to be
so fucking extra about everything?
329
00:10:45,146 --> 00:10:47,399
Terry's always bragging
about how good he is at Sabacc.
330
00:10:47,399 --> 00:10:49,985
If casinos are cashing in
on the ascension of nerd culture,
331
00:10:49,985 --> 00:10:53,154
he'd be attracted to the gaming tables
like an owl to a bat
332
00:10:53,154 --> 00:10:54,447
to a moth to a flame!
333
00:10:54,447 --> 00:10:55,365
A casino!
334
00:10:55,365 --> 00:10:57,617
Yumyulack, help me hitch
the recombulator to the Hammerhead.
335
00:10:57,617 --> 00:10:59,995
Sorry, hippie. We're taking
this sweet piece of sci-fi back.
336
00:10:59,995 --> 00:11:01,204
Sure thing, brah.
337
00:11:01,204 --> 00:11:03,164
I should get back to my old life anyway,
338
00:11:03,164 --> 00:11:06,293
solving crimes using
my heightened sense of smell.
339
00:11:08,795 --> 00:11:10,964
Yumyulack! How long have you had
that human leg meat?
340
00:11:10,964 --> 00:11:12,799
Oh, man. Just a few days.
341
00:11:12,799 --> 00:11:14,968
I didn't say anything because
I thought you'd cut them off.
342
00:11:14,968 --> 00:11:16,970
I wasn't going to do that,
but it's a good idea.
343
00:11:16,970 --> 00:11:18,179
Give me those fucking legs!
344
00:11:18,179 --> 00:11:19,598
- [Yumyulack screaming]
- Whoa!
345
00:11:20,557 --> 00:11:22,392
Fuck! I knew we gave you
too many Lunchables
346
00:11:22,392 --> 00:11:23,226
and Xbox Live.
347
00:11:23,226 --> 00:11:25,854
Whoa. I'm a human, and I've got
one, two, three, four, five, six--
348
00:11:25,854 --> 00:11:27,272
[gasps] several pubes.
349
00:11:27,272 --> 00:11:29,482
Are you gonna run off
to do human stuff now too?
350
00:11:29,482 --> 00:11:30,984
I won't be able to handle it if you do!
351
00:11:30,984 --> 00:11:32,944
Um, no, of course not.
352
00:11:32,944 --> 00:11:34,988
I'm, uh, just gonna borrow
this bike real quick.
353
00:11:36,072 --> 00:11:38,074
Don't try to escape me
on that old-timey bicycle!
354
00:11:38,074 --> 00:11:40,452
Hammerhead, pursuit course!
Maximum speed!
355
00:11:40,452 --> 00:11:42,662
[mechanical whirring]
356
00:11:43,330 --> 00:11:44,164
[ropes snap]
357
00:11:45,916 --> 00:11:49,419
Shit! Stupid slow-ass Hammerhead 2.
358
00:11:49,419 --> 00:11:52,631
HAMMERHEAD COMPUTER:
Hey, buddy, when are we gonna
wheeze the juice?
359
00:11:52,631 --> 00:11:54,132
We are never wheezing any liquid!
360
00:11:54,132 --> 00:11:56,009
Aim at Vegas, full Hammer ahead.
361
00:11:56,009 --> 00:11:59,888
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
362
00:12:02,766 --> 00:12:04,643
Was there a guy
named Terry here recently?
363
00:12:04,643 --> 00:12:07,437
Ye tall. Green. Good-looking.
Probably eating gum?
364
00:12:07,437 --> 00:12:09,064
Yeah, I remember that fuckin' guy.
365
00:12:09,064 --> 00:12:11,650
He paid for his
Vegas Vegas Memories DVD
366
00:12:11,650 --> 00:12:12,776
and never picked it up.
367
00:12:12,776 --> 00:12:14,861
Let's transition wipe to my office.
368
00:12:16,488 --> 00:12:17,989
TERRY:
Where's the fictional game room?
369
00:12:17,989 --> 00:12:20,116
I want to play Sabacc and Gwent, bitch!
[girls cries]
370
00:12:20,116 --> 00:12:21,993
Jesus. Fast forward through this.
371
00:12:22,911 --> 00:12:23,745
What the--
372
00:12:23,745 --> 00:12:26,331
These freaks all look like they win
fictional card games for a living.
373
00:12:26,331 --> 00:12:27,374
What was Terry thinking?
374
00:12:27,374 --> 00:12:29,000
Pfft, easy mode.
375
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,336
This is exactly like it was in the Solo.
376
00:12:31,336 --> 00:12:33,922
I call and raise you
377
00:12:33,922 --> 00:12:36,132
an actual spaceship!
378
00:12:36,132 --> 00:12:38,093
He bet the ship? How was his hand?
379
00:12:38,093 --> 00:12:40,720
He had five crescent moons
and a fist of swords.
380
00:12:40,720 --> 00:12:42,055
What the hell does that mean?
381
00:12:42,055 --> 00:12:44,432
I don't fucking know. It's bad, I think.
382
00:12:44,432 --> 00:12:46,643
We change the rules
on these nerd games on the fly
383
00:12:46,643 --> 00:12:47,561
all the time.
384
00:12:48,478 --> 00:12:50,188
Holy fuck!
385
00:12:50,188 --> 00:12:52,566
Well, at least nobody will ever see this.
386
00:12:52,566 --> 00:12:53,733
I want that ship back!
387
00:12:53,733 --> 00:12:57,070
Return it now or I will mercilessly
lay waste to this entire casino.
388
00:12:57,070 --> 00:12:59,531
Sorry, sir, this vehicle
is now the property
389
00:12:59,531 --> 00:13:01,408
of the Vegas Vegas corporation,
390
00:13:01,408 --> 00:13:02,826
and you need to fuckin' leave.
391
00:13:02,826 --> 00:13:03,827
Prim this guest.
392
00:13:03,827 --> 00:13:04,995
What the hell? Stop it.
393
00:13:04,995 --> 00:13:06,454
Why are you shoving me
into a cement mixer?
394
00:13:06,454 --> 00:13:09,499
[Korvo screaming]
395
00:13:12,252 --> 00:13:14,004
I can't see! I can't see!
396
00:13:14,588 --> 00:13:16,172
Okay, now I can see.
397
00:13:16,172 --> 00:13:19,092
Goddammit, I can't believe my team
has left me to do this by myself.
398
00:13:19,092 --> 00:13:20,677
I really hope they're all miserable.
399
00:13:21,970 --> 00:13:24,639
Drugs are so much better
when they actually get you high!
400
00:13:24,639 --> 00:13:26,099
[yelling]
401
00:13:26,099 --> 00:13:27,642
Has the jury reached a verdict?
402
00:13:27,642 --> 00:13:29,060
We haven't, Your Honor.
403
00:13:29,060 --> 00:13:31,897
Looks like we need to be sequestered!
404
00:13:31,897 --> 00:13:33,523
Out of the way, normal kid.
405
00:13:33,523 --> 00:13:35,358
We're about to bully
that left-handed kid.
406
00:13:35,358 --> 00:13:37,193
He's now the weirdest kid at school!
407
00:13:37,193 --> 00:13:39,321
I'm not weird! Ha, ha!
408
00:13:39,863 --> 00:13:42,032
[thunder rumbling]
409
00:13:43,116 --> 00:13:45,368
Fuck, nobody said
this was stacked parking!
410
00:13:45,368 --> 00:13:48,413
The Hammerhead isn't designed to traverse
tightly packed spaces!
411
00:13:48,413 --> 00:13:52,083
Hello? Can someone please move
these gambling addicts' cars?
412
00:13:52,083 --> 00:13:53,126
Hello?
413
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:55,420
How? How has it come to this?
414
00:13:55,420 --> 00:13:57,005
[thunder rumbling]
415
00:13:58,173 --> 00:14:00,634
A nose? No! No, no, no!
416
00:14:01,384 --> 00:14:04,512
Ears? Shit!
I don't want to be a fucking human!
417
00:14:04,512 --> 00:14:06,723
Noooooo!
418
00:14:09,726 --> 00:14:11,978
♪ suspenseful music ♪
419
00:14:11,978 --> 00:14:22,739
♪
420
00:14:26,159 --> 00:14:28,245
Sorry I'm late.
I had a court date.
421
00:14:28,245 --> 00:14:29,996
I heard about you getting arrested
for calling that judge
422
00:14:29,996 --> 00:14:32,374
"a bitch, a whole bitch,
and nothing but a bitch."
423
00:14:32,374 --> 00:14:35,043
She couldn't handle me requesting
a "motion to dismiss"
424
00:14:35,043 --> 00:14:37,879
for the reasons that
she "sucked fat shit."
425
00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:40,173
Now I gotta wear this everywhere.
426
00:14:40,173 --> 00:14:43,009
Plus, I'm in a buttload of debt
because people keep using
427
00:14:43,009 --> 00:14:45,804
my Social Security Number
to take out loans.
428
00:14:45,804 --> 00:14:47,264
Things haven't gone well for me either.
429
00:14:47,264 --> 00:14:49,182
Everyone at school ignores me
now that I'm human.
430
00:14:49,182 --> 00:14:51,518
At least when I was a bullied alien,
I was being noticed.
431
00:14:51,851 --> 00:14:54,396
[sighs]
This being human stuff is the pits.
432
00:14:54,396 --> 00:14:56,189
I tried changing my name
to "Baxter Cool"
433
00:14:56,189 --> 00:14:57,566
to stand out, but then I found out
434
00:14:57,566 --> 00:14:59,693
there's already a kid
named "Baxter Badass."
435
00:14:59,693 --> 00:15:01,778
So now everyone at school
just calls me Baxter C.
436
00:15:01,778 --> 00:15:04,155
Holy geez. Is that Terry?
437
00:15:06,074 --> 00:15:07,075
[flies buzzing]
438
00:15:07,075 --> 00:15:09,286
Jesse, Yumyulack,
it's great to see you!
439
00:15:09,703 --> 00:15:11,162
Oh, my gosh.
440
00:15:11,162 --> 00:15:12,539
What the hell happened to you?
441
00:15:12,539 --> 00:15:14,499
Waddaya mean? I've been thriving.
442
00:15:14,499 --> 00:15:16,960
[hacking cough]
443
00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:19,546
[groans]
Oh, cripes, the wound's open again.
444
00:15:19,546 --> 00:15:21,923
I need to get fresh rags,
but, uh, other than that,
445
00:15:21,923 --> 00:15:22,924
things are good.
446
00:15:22,924 --> 00:15:23,758
Yeah.
447
00:15:23,758 --> 00:15:24,843
Terry.
448
00:15:24,843 --> 00:15:27,345
Okay, fine, the last four
and a half months have been hell!
449
00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:29,806
I didn't know the shit humans do
to their bodies was permanent.
450
00:15:29,806 --> 00:15:31,975
My penis ring's been infected
a half dozen times
451
00:15:31,975 --> 00:15:33,226
and I'm addicted to crack!
452
00:15:33,226 --> 00:15:34,936
I didn't even know you could get addicted.
453
00:15:34,936 --> 00:15:36,438
I just love the minty flavor.
454
00:15:36,438 --> 00:15:38,732
Turning human was
the worst mistake of our lives.
455
00:15:38,732 --> 00:15:40,525
We should never have bailed on Korvo.
456
00:15:40,525 --> 00:15:41,902
Then it's settled.
457
00:15:41,902 --> 00:15:43,904
We're going home and undoing all of this!
458
00:15:43,904 --> 00:15:45,196
But isn't Korvo mad at us?
459
00:15:45,196 --> 00:15:46,031
Are you kidding?
460
00:15:46,031 --> 00:15:48,199
He's gonna goosh his robes
when we come walking up.
461
00:15:48,199 --> 00:15:50,785
Just imagine how lonely and depressed
he's been without us.
462
00:15:50,785 --> 00:15:52,579
Just him and the Pupa
in that big house,
463
00:15:52,579 --> 00:15:54,080
sitting around and doing jack shit?
464
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,917
Poor Korvo.
I hope he somehow held it together.
465
00:15:58,627 --> 00:16:00,837
TERRY:
What the hell? Where's the ship?
466
00:16:00,837 --> 00:16:02,255
YUMYULACK:
He never got it back!
467
00:16:02,255 --> 00:16:04,382
JESSE:
Uh, guys, what's with all the dogs?
468
00:16:04,382 --> 00:16:06,927
[dogs barking]
469
00:16:07,344 --> 00:16:08,386
Ahh!
470
00:16:08,970 --> 00:16:10,722
Okay, what the fuck is going on here?
471
00:16:10,722 --> 00:16:12,724
Hey! No humans allowed.
472
00:16:12,724 --> 00:16:14,351
How many times do I gotta say it?
473
00:16:14,351 --> 00:16:16,269
This is a brothel for dogs.
474
00:16:16,269 --> 00:16:18,438
Opening a dog brothel's
been my dream for years
475
00:16:18,438 --> 00:16:19,606
and the Pupa stole it?
476
00:16:19,606 --> 00:16:20,607
Fuck you, Pupa!
477
00:16:20,607 --> 00:16:21,608
[spider screeches]
[man yelps]
478
00:16:22,275 --> 00:16:25,070
We can't be humans anymore!
We gotta get off this planet!
479
00:16:25,070 --> 00:16:27,864
Please, Pupa, if you care
about this family at all,
480
00:16:27,864 --> 00:16:29,824
tell us where is Korvo?
481
00:16:32,118 --> 00:16:34,746
♪ upbeat dance music playing ♪
482
00:16:35,956 --> 00:16:38,708
Whoa, what is this place?
483
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:40,502
The Smokeshow House,
484
00:16:40,502 --> 00:16:42,295
the ultimate club for the sexiest,
485
00:16:42,295 --> 00:16:44,881
most boner-generating people alive.
486
00:16:44,881 --> 00:16:46,258
I believe you're describing me!
487
00:16:48,134 --> 00:16:50,637
What the hell's Korvo doing
in a place like this?
488
00:16:50,637 --> 00:16:53,431
Maybe he turned human
and he's like a busboy or something?
489
00:16:53,431 --> 00:16:55,433
Maybe the cool people
take shits on him for fun.
490
00:16:55,433 --> 00:16:56,810
I heard that's what they do to losers.
491
00:16:56,810 --> 00:16:58,436
it's never happened to me, heh.
492
00:16:58,436 --> 00:17:01,565
Well, well, well, my old alien family!
493
00:17:01,565 --> 00:17:03,024
What a surprise.
494
00:17:03,024 --> 00:17:04,234
Korvo?
[glass shatters]
495
00:17:04,234 --> 00:17:08,029
You've turned into the most
gorgeous human I've ever seen!
496
00:17:08,029 --> 00:17:09,114
Not bad, right?
497
00:17:09,114 --> 00:17:10,699
It's been a good few months.
498
00:17:10,699 --> 00:17:12,617
Allow me to introduce
some of my new friends.
499
00:17:12,617 --> 00:17:14,619
Brad Pitt, regular Michael B. Jordan,
500
00:17:14,619 --> 00:17:17,038
and jacked Kumail Nanjiani.
501
00:17:17,038 --> 00:17:19,165
I assume you're here
to say "I told you so"
502
00:17:19,165 --> 00:17:21,001
because being a human is awesome.
503
00:17:21,001 --> 00:17:23,461
No, we thought you would tell us so.
504
00:17:23,461 --> 00:17:25,797
I cannot.
It was you who told me so.
505
00:17:25,797 --> 00:17:28,592
Korvo, the six-month
panna cotta period is almost up.
506
00:17:28,592 --> 00:17:30,719
We gotta leave Earth A-S-A-mmediately
507
00:17:30,719 --> 00:17:32,429
if we ever wanna be Shlorpians again.
508
00:17:32,429 --> 00:17:34,723
Good. I don't want to be Shlorpian.
509
00:17:34,723 --> 00:17:35,557
JESSE/YUMYULACK/TERRY:
What?
510
00:17:35,557 --> 00:17:36,892
My life's great now.
511
00:17:36,892 --> 00:17:39,519
I'm the new face of Edible Dude Wipes
For Her For him.
512
00:17:39,519 --> 00:17:41,605
People finally respect me for what counts,
513
00:17:41,605 --> 00:17:43,440
my symmetrical ass and dick dimples,
514
00:17:43,440 --> 00:17:45,442
not the stupid content of my character!
515
00:17:45,442 --> 00:17:48,695
But you said
"being Shlorpian is who we are."
516
00:17:48,695 --> 00:17:50,488
Well, if I did, that was stupid.
517
00:17:50,488 --> 00:17:53,116
Being proud of who you are deep down
on the inside is cringe.
518
00:17:53,116 --> 00:17:56,661
Yo, K. These AmazonBasics-looking
motherfuckers bugging you?
519
00:17:56,661 --> 00:17:58,872
It's fine, Momoa.
They were just leaving.
520
00:17:58,872 --> 00:18:01,499
Leo, slurp Patrón off my five-pack.
521
00:18:01,499 --> 00:18:03,627
Korvo's lost his marbles
and replaced them
522
00:18:03,627 --> 00:18:05,587
with new, fine-as-hell marbles!
523
00:18:05,587 --> 00:18:06,463
[sighs]
524
00:18:06,463 --> 00:18:08,298
Holy shit, what a snack.
525
00:18:08,298 --> 00:18:11,468
If I was that hot,
I would never ever look back at my family!
526
00:18:11,468 --> 00:18:13,386
Man, I've lost the second love of my life,
527
00:18:13,386 --> 00:18:15,639
right behind Pizza Hut
Stuffed Crust Pizza.
528
00:18:15,639 --> 00:18:19,059
Wait. We might not be aliens
and we might not be beautiful,
529
00:18:19,059 --> 00:18:21,311
but we have what counts in here.
530
00:18:21,311 --> 00:18:23,230
Like what, our integrity?
531
00:18:23,230 --> 00:18:26,191
No. Blood. We're full of blood!
532
00:18:26,191 --> 00:18:27,817
[slurping]
533
00:18:28,818 --> 00:18:30,028
What the fuck?
534
00:18:30,028 --> 00:18:32,197
This little bitch just
sprayed me with blood!
535
00:18:32,197 --> 00:18:34,449
Yeah, and I'm fucking full to the brim!
536
00:18:34,449 --> 00:18:35,992
[all screaming]
537
00:18:35,992 --> 00:18:38,703
Michael B. Jordan
be covered in B, I mean blood!
538
00:18:39,120 --> 00:18:40,247
Ahh!
[grunts]
539
00:18:40,247 --> 00:18:41,373
[screams]
540
00:18:41,373 --> 00:18:43,750
- Yeah!
- Ha, ha! Suckers!
541
00:18:43,750 --> 00:18:46,294
Stop spraying my hot friends
with your ugly blood!
542
00:18:46,294 --> 00:18:47,963
Oh, God, It's reverting me back
543
00:18:47,963 --> 00:18:50,799
to what I looked like before I sold
my soul to that witch!
544
00:18:50,799 --> 00:18:53,176
No! No! Oh, God!
545
00:18:53,885 --> 00:18:54,970
[groans]
546
00:18:54,970 --> 00:18:56,972
Our unattractive blood is so potent,
547
00:18:56,972 --> 00:18:59,808
it's melting the hotness
right off these himbos!
548
00:19:00,809 --> 00:19:02,102
Is it working?
549
00:19:02,102 --> 00:19:03,562
It's getting hard to see.
550
00:19:03,562 --> 00:19:05,438
Don't we need to hang on
to some of this blood?
551
00:19:05,438 --> 00:19:07,774
No, that's a myth!
Bones make blood.
552
00:19:07,774 --> 00:19:08,608
[groans]
[thuds]
553
00:19:09,276 --> 00:19:11,278
Ahhhh!
554
00:19:11,736 --> 00:19:12,571
Ah!
555
00:19:13,530 --> 00:19:16,825
Whoa! Keep your ugly blood away
from my beautiful body!
556
00:19:17,742 --> 00:19:19,077
You can have Nanjiani!
557
00:19:23,999 --> 00:19:26,167
Oh, no! He's getting away!
558
00:19:26,167 --> 00:19:28,461
But damn, do I like to watch him go.
559
00:19:28,461 --> 00:19:30,380
Hold on, guys,
I need to eat this cookie.
560
00:19:30,380 --> 00:19:32,132
I sprayed too much blood.
561
00:19:32,132 --> 00:19:33,425
No time. Jump!
562
00:19:34,175 --> 00:19:37,345
♪ dramatic music ♪
563
00:19:37,345 --> 00:19:38,930
♪
564
00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:40,515
Ah!
565
00:19:40,515 --> 00:19:42,183
Protect me, my Aussie hunks!
566
00:19:42,183 --> 00:19:43,977
It's the Hemsworth brothers!
567
00:19:43,977 --> 00:19:45,812
They even brought the weird one!
568
00:19:46,771 --> 00:19:48,023
Shit, I'm out of blood!
569
00:19:48,023 --> 00:19:49,733
[all scream]
TERRY: Stand back.
570
00:19:52,402 --> 00:19:54,195
[screams]
Gah-gah-gah-gah,
571
00:19:54,195 --> 00:19:57,282
I smoke what I smoke
and that's all that I smoke!
572
00:20:00,744 --> 00:20:01,828
[Hemsworth brothers screaming]
573
00:20:01,828 --> 00:20:04,414
It's official,
crack isn't whack, baby!
574
00:20:04,414 --> 00:20:05,248
JESSE:
Yeah!
575
00:20:05,582 --> 00:20:07,042
Oh, shit, crack fire!
576
00:20:08,168 --> 00:20:11,421
This blimp is soaked in Drakkar Noir
by Guy La Roche,
577
00:20:11,421 --> 00:20:14,007
one of the most flammable substances
in the galaxy.
578
00:20:14,007 --> 00:20:17,177
It's gonna go off
like a Molotov cockring!
579
00:20:20,805 --> 00:20:22,349
TERRY:
There's nowhere else to go, Korvo!
580
00:20:22,349 --> 00:20:24,392
This hot guy blimp is about to blow!
581
00:20:24,392 --> 00:20:25,769
Take my hand!
582
00:20:25,769 --> 00:20:26,811
Agh! So ugly!
583
00:20:26,811 --> 00:20:29,940
I'd rather die a Chad
than go back to being a simp.
584
00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:30,982
[explosion booms]
Ahh!
585
00:20:31,650 --> 00:20:35,487
Aww, jeez! We're all gonna die
as humans!
586
00:20:35,487 --> 00:20:37,322
[spaceship whooshing]
587
00:20:39,908 --> 00:20:40,742
Pupa!
588
00:20:42,077 --> 00:20:43,870
Korvo, you stupid ass!
589
00:20:43,870 --> 00:20:44,788
Come with us!
590
00:20:44,788 --> 00:20:46,206
No, I won't go back!
591
00:20:46,206 --> 00:20:47,040
[explosion booms]
Ahh!
592
00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:50,252
Look, Korvo, it's someone casting
for The Bachelor!
593
00:20:50,252 --> 00:20:51,086
Really?
594
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:52,837
[screams]
595
00:20:53,213 --> 00:20:55,215
[all screaming]
596
00:20:56,633 --> 00:20:58,677
AISHA, get us off this planet!
597
00:20:58,677 --> 00:20:59,761
AISHA:
You got it, dummy.
598
00:20:59,761 --> 00:21:01,513
No! I finally fit in!
599
00:21:01,513 --> 00:21:02,597
[explosion booms]
600
00:21:02,597 --> 00:21:03,598
[spaceship whooshes]
601
00:21:03,598 --> 00:21:07,769
♪
602
00:21:08,270 --> 00:21:10,272
Wow, I guess the Pupa used the profits
603
00:21:10,272 --> 00:21:13,024
from his dog brothel to buy
the ship back from the casino.
604
00:21:13,024 --> 00:21:15,026
God bless you, you green blob!
605
00:21:15,026 --> 00:21:16,403
I'm getting tired.
606
00:21:16,820 --> 00:21:19,030
Hey, you're not still upset
that we killed a bunch
607
00:21:19,030 --> 00:21:21,575
of your hot celeb friends
30 seconds ago, are you?
608
00:21:21,575 --> 00:21:23,827
Yes, I'm still upset!
I had the perfect life.
609
00:21:23,827 --> 00:21:26,454
Korvo, I know you liked
being a sexy human,
610
00:21:26,454 --> 00:21:27,747
but this is for the best.
611
00:21:27,747 --> 00:21:31,585
We need to get back
our regular bodies, it's who we are.
612
00:21:31,585 --> 00:21:33,712
And now that we've seen
how fucked up humans are,
613
00:21:33,712 --> 00:21:36,590
we're rededicated to the mission,
just like you always wanted.
614
00:21:36,590 --> 00:21:38,592
I... I do like that.
615
00:21:39,050 --> 00:21:40,969
Plus, you're like our hot leader now.
616
00:21:40,969 --> 00:21:42,304
And hot leaders are the best.
617
00:21:42,304 --> 00:21:44,556
It's true.
I'm sorry for how I acted.
618
00:21:44,556 --> 00:21:47,475
I clearly had "hot guy brain"
and it was making me crazy.
619
00:21:47,475 --> 00:21:50,020
Now that we're back on the ship,
I am glad you rescued me.
620
00:21:52,856 --> 00:21:54,107
I know exactly what to do.
621
00:21:54,107 --> 00:21:56,693
We'll go live on another planet
for a bit until we revert back
622
00:21:56,693 --> 00:21:58,403
to our old Shlorpian bodies.
623
00:21:59,237 --> 00:22:03,033
♪
624
00:22:07,746 --> 00:22:10,081
It'll be a nice change of pace
to live on a world
625
00:22:10,081 --> 00:22:12,834
where we aren't being treated like
a bunch of freaky aliens.
626
00:22:13,919 --> 00:22:15,086
[crashes]
627
00:22:17,339 --> 00:22:18,506
[vehicle approaching]
628
00:22:19,257 --> 00:22:22,802
Go back to your own planet,
you filthy fucking humans!
629
00:22:23,762 --> 00:22:25,138
Fuck you, I hate this planet!
630
00:22:25,138 --> 00:22:26,598
You people are stupid and confusing.
631
00:22:26,598 --> 00:22:27,766
Aw cripes.
632
00:22:27,766 --> 00:22:32,771
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
633
00:23:12,143 --> 00:23:13,645
[mimicking laser fire]