♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
♪
♪ gentle music playing ♪
Aw, man, Hamsterdam?
Oh, shit! You owe me a million dollars
because there's a bunch of Dutch Hamsters who live there.
How the fuck are you winning in Monopoly: The Wire Edition
when you've never watched the show?
Why don't you bitch at your pewter McNutty,
that's what keeps landing you on shitty spots.
Come on, gimme an eight,
get me to that bar where the dock workers drank eggs.
Double dang it! Hamsterdam again?
Welcome to hell, Jessica! Ha ha ha ha!
Now pay up, you little delinquent!
But I don't have any money left! Argh!
I hate this stupid game. There's too much pressure!
[coughs, gags]
[both gasp]
[thuds]
[all gasp] Is that a White Goobler?
This is a huge development.
I'm about to win a board game for the first time ever.
KORVO: Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
until the asteroid hit.
One hundred adults and their replicants were issued a Pupa
and escaped into the... space,
searching for new homes on uninhabited worlds.
We crashed on Earth,
stranding us on an already overpopulated planet.
That's right, I've been talking this whole time.
I'm the one holding the Pupa.
My name is Korvo. This is my show.
Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
Ugh. This is ridiculous. I hate Earth.
It's a horrible home.
People are stupid and confusing.
They have a restaurant called Applebee's,
and they don't call their appetizers apple-tizers.
That's bullshit!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[goobler moans]
Dear God, how did you cough up such a gross goobler?
I didn't even know we could make white ones.
It's the same size as the Red Goobler was.
Wait a minute, are you going to say "get fucked"
and try to kill us?
Oh, no, I don't want to be a burden, you know?
I can't be a teen mom.
I don't even have a neck tattoo!
This doesn't make any sense.
Why would Jesse and I make off-color gooblers
and not you two?
Because we're superior in every--
Oh, shit, wait a minute.
[goobler grumbles]
Totally forgot that I coughed up a lavender goobler last week.
- Was I supposed to report that? - Yes!
My Red Goobler is still out there plotting to kill me.
These things could be dangerous!
Hm, doesn't seem dangerous.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it right there.
Give it to me. Papa like.
This must be a Romance Goobler,
because I'm such a romantic and shit.
That's a freaky little shithead horny goobler,
and you fucking know it.
So we all have new gooblers except Terry?
How does that make sense?
We're, uh, supposed to report weird gooblers, huh?
Don't tell me you coughed one up too!
I did not.
Well, thank our Shlorpian gods--
- I made five. - What?
Terry's gooblers, sound off!
- Klepto Goobler. - Criterion Disk Goobler.
[groans] Envy Goobler.
Babe-yyyy Goobler
'cause Terry loves saying "babe-yyy," babe-yyy.
Kimmy Goobler.
I re-watched all of Full House three times
and then barfed that little chiclet up.
Geez, guys.
Why are we making all these colorful goobs right now?
Well, that's a dumb question, Jessica.
You're acting like you don't know anything about Shlorpian anatomy.
Obviously, every 100,000 times we stress out and goobler,
one big red one shows up.
But, none of these are red.
Alright, fine, I don't know what the fuck is going on either.
Everyone grab your gooblers and let's go ask AISHA.
Fucking hate it when we have to go ask the ship stuff,
makes us look like such dummies.
LAVENDER GOOBLER: [grunts] Ooh, yeah.
♪ ethereal music playing ♪
Pupa! How do you keep getting your paws on Starbursts?
You know those kiwi banana ones give you the Tron nightmares.
Have you ever thought that, like, instead of indulging
in these long, needlessly complicated schemes
to get candy or Harry Potter whistles,
that maybe you could use that big-ass Pupa brain
to make the world a better place?
Yeah, Pupa, the satisfaction you get
from making the world a better place would taste way better
than any old Starbursts.
AISHA: Alright, dummies,
get ready to learn some Shlorpian 101.
[projector ticking] [countdown beeping]
SHLORPIAN NARRATOR: The Shlorpian body is designed
to remove excess emotional buildup by emitting gooblers:
small, dancing creatures
which hold your unwanted chemicals in their bellies.
The gooblers are emitted
and then will dance their adorable little jig
until they die.
However, if a Shlorpian has too many negative emotions,
the Goobler system will produce a Super Goobler.
Larger, meaner, smarter:
the Super Goobler is designed to eliminate the Shlorpian
with emotional problems,
removing them from the terraforming team,
ultimately protecting the mission.
Get fucked!
SHLORPIAN NARRATOR: If you make a Super Goobler,
it's best to allow it to kill you
so the rest of your team can dine on your body for nutrients.
Wait, so all of these little guys are gonna grow up to kill us?
Well, that can't be right. Mine was a stress goobler.
These are all too nice.
When I get bigger, I'm gonna fuck you up, babe-yyy!
[all goobers clamoring]
Gooble.
[Solars scream]
Those Super Gooblers are creepy as fuck.
We gotta do something.
I kinda wanna figure out what my goobler even is
before we do anything.
What emotion was I having too much of?
Being a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day?
Th-this is probably a bad pitch, but maybe it'll get us going.
What about if we throw them in the dumpster behind Pizza Hut?
Okay, that's the plan to beat.
Yes!
Building off of what Yumyulack just said,
we should put them in garbage bags
before we throw them in the dumpster behind Pizza Hut.
Hmm, I'm liking this area a lot. Now get to grabbing.
I want to have them in that dumpster before they start stabbing us.
[gooblers clamoring, screaming]
[gooblers thudding]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
Ah! Don't put me in the bag! Sweet cheese!
Oh, little Kimmy.
Korvo, stop! I changed my mind! I can't kill my gooblers.
What? Why not?
Because they're like my children, dammit,
and they're so cute
and they aren't trying to murder anyone yet!
They will soon enough!
Ah, I don't want to kill mine either.
Just look at that pelvic definition.
You know, maybe some of them can turn their lives around
with a little love and attention.
The crystal just fucking told us
if we don't do something, they'll grow up and then kill our asses.
Death by goobler is such a lowbrow way to die.
Light bulb, we can ship them off to Kaley Cuoco's Rancho Cuocomonga
for Miscellaneous Beasts and Where to Abandon Them.
Making something stupid up won't help, Terry.
I know, but this time I'm telling the truth.
It's a no-kill rescue ranch owned by Priceline's Kaley Cuoco.
It's where I've been sending all of Yumyulack's snakes.
They're alive?
You told me you were chopping off their heads
and leaving them on the sidewalk as a warning to other snakes.
That's such great news!
Terry, ya fucking nailed it. This is the plan.
Everyone, pack your shit and meet me at the car.
- It's time for the-- - Wait, wait, wait! Can I say it? Please!
Please can I say it? Please?
- Korvo, please! - Sure, my guy. Go for it.
The Solar Opposites are going on a road trip!
Yeah, babe-yyy!
[horn honking]
All aboard the Terry's Super Famous Almost Famous Bus!
Fasten your seatbelts 'cause Daddy Terry tricked out this bus
in the theme of his favorite road trip movie, Speed!
If we go under 50, we explode!
Remember? Remember Dennis Hopper's got that little fucked-up hand?
[explosion booms]
[metal clattering]
[horn honks]
Okay, this time Daddy got us a regular bus
with almost no bombs, babe-yyy!!
Yeah, babe-yyy!
♪ rock music playing ♪
♪
[woman screams]
[engine revving]
♪
[plasma gun fires]
[Solars and gooblers laughing, cheering]
♪ rock music playing ♪
Psst, hey, Yum, what do you think my goobler is?
Maybe it's like a sweet goobler or something?
Jess-ica, your goobler is a goobler for sucking!
It takes up a bunch of space, and it's a deadweight piece of shit
with nothing to offer the world and everybody hates it.
Oh, okay. Maybe that's it.
Will you stop playing with that gun, you little shit.
[gunshot] [Korvo shouts]
JESSE: The satisfaction you get from making the world a better place
would taste way better than any old Starbursts.
I don't care how many geese drowned in the black tar
off the coast of Santa Barbara,
I want my oil rigs up and running by tomorrow
or your adopted orphans can starve!
Oh, Jesus Christ. You can't have next week off, Alice.
I don't care what stage your cancer is in.
Yes, Miss Brandy.
[sobs]
♪ dramatic sting ♪ [shouts]
What the fuck are you supposed to be?
Get out of here!
Cocomelon.
Cocom-- uh-- What are you talking about?
I said get out!
[vase shatters]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[door slams]
- PUPA: Cocomelon. - Ah!
Oh, my God! What do you want?
♪ rock music playing ♪
♪
[yawns] Only 14 more hours to the ranch
and I get to meet Kaley.
Wait a minute, something's missing.
One, two, four, five. Oh, fuck, where's my Klepto Goobler?
Maybe we left him at the local Scottish food place
we stopped at.
- You mean McDonald's? - Fuck!
He's probably still there, stealing all the McFlurry toppings.
- We have to go back. - No, Terry!
We're already running late
because we spent so much time in the McPlayPlace.
I think my goobler's getting bigger?
How could you lose your gooblers?
That's the whole point of this road trip!
All I'm sayin' is, you bring a motherfucker to a PlayPlace,
motherfucker gonna play.
[water sloshing]
[door opens, closes]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
- Cocomelon? - Jesus, shit!
Okay, y-you're not real.
Y-you're just a side effect
of my Goop ayahuasca vaginal gummy crowns.
I-I-I'm just gonna take some of my rhino horn pills
that only rich people have, and you'll go away.
[pills rattle] [gulps]
- Cocomelon. - Ah! You know what, fuck this!
How dare you sit there judging me
with your Cookie Monster eyes?
- Cocomelon. - You can't judge me.
Only my lovers can judge me because that's what gets me off.
I choose loneliness
because I've been in love before, and it sucks.
Cocomelon.
One minute you're happy living in suburban Kansas City
and the next your lover's in Clueless,
then goes on to have a 30-year acting career
- and never ages! - Cocomelon!
Shut up! I am done with you!
[toilet flushes]
[Brandy gasps]
Cocomelon.
[Brandy screams]
♪ rock music playing ♪
♪
♪ uplifting music playing ♪
[gasps] Oh, my God! Is that Kaley Cuoco?
No, wait, this lady only has one ear.
Kaley has two ears!
What the fuck? I want to abandon my animals with Kaley!
I'm Kaley Cuoco's stunt double, Kwelly Cloakawoko.
I lost my ear when Sheldon's homemade Green Lantern ring exploded
on the Big Bang set.
Welcome to Kaley Cuoco's Rancho Cuocomonga!
Let's get these deformed creatures settled,
and I'll give you the tour!
We take all the fucked-up animals no one else wants to touch:
ligers, middle-aged wolves, albino pythons.
YUMYULACK: My snakes!
Anaconor and Lahissa, you're thriving!
What would you guys like to abandon?
We have several customizable packages
ranging from $29.99 to $8.57 million.
I'm sure you get this a lot, we have half a dozen Super Gooblers
that'll eventually kill us so, you know,
gotta ditch them with you before the stabby-stabby begins.
A half dozen? You mean these two?
No, we-- Oh, shit!
Jesse, your goobler got fat as fuck!
Why didn't you say anything?
I did, on the bus!
Next time speak up, Messica!
If you weren't part of my mission, I would abandon you here too.
[Jesse groans]
♪ gentle music playing ♪
This is our largest enclosure.
Your strange creatures should be as happy
as an abandoned animal can ever be here.
[bear growls]
Go on, little guy.
You can romance the fuck out of whatever you want in there.
Wait!
Jesse, these things are going to turn on us,
can we wrap it up?
I just need to know what you are.
What emotion do I have too much of?
Who cares! Get the fuck in there, you stupid goobler.
[door closes]
Phew, finally, a goobler situation that doesn't end
in me getting stabbed or having sex in a casino.
Bye, White Goobler.
You guys must be tired.
You can stay here for the night in our The Flight Attendant suite
and relax with a post-abandonment cup of hot Cuoco.
Ew, do you have to say it that way?
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
That's my ledge,
and I didn't give you permission to perch there.
Cocomelon?
Let's see if you can dodge
all these expensive rich lady collectables!
Basquiat's basquiaball. Air Bud's skull!
An Irish femur from the Titanic! [grunts]
[Pupa shouts]
Ancient butt plug!
Yes! Ha ha ha!
Fuck you!
I'm free from the torture!
[sighs]
- Cocomelon. - Ah!
Ow! My leg! Oh God.
Help! Help!
Can anybody hear me?
[groans]
Of course not.
I'm all alone... by my own design.
[slurps]
Mm, this hot Cuoco is pumpkin-spicy.
Don't you think it's weird
that none of us figured out what my goobler's dealio was?
Oh, my God, nobody cares about the goobler shit.
I mean, if I had to figure out the backstory
of everything I puked up, I'd be too busy to write
my Dolores Claiborne expanded universe fan fiction.
Maybe you're right.
I'm gonna go say bye to the gooblers one more time
before we kwo-go.
Oh, my God, you're such a Lisa Simpson.
♪ somber music playing ♪
White Goobler? Are you awake?
[switch thuds, lights thud]
[White Goobler growls]
[Jesse gasps]
[White Goobler growls]
Give it to me! Papa like!
Whitey, no!
[White Goobler groans]
[wall crashes]
[White Goobler groans] [Jesse gasps]
You know, I always thought Kaley Cuoco was
a poor man's Kristen Bell,
but now I'm gonna upgrade her
to an upper middle-class woman's Anna Faris.
- [branches snap] - Shut up, did you hear that?
Use the single match app on your phone to get us some more light.
Right! Steady. Hope this works.
The app only has one match before it makes you watch an ad.
Phew!
♪ tense music playing ♪
Oh, shit!
[White Goobler groans]
Help! It's hugging me! Help! Help!
The White Goobler got out, and now I think I know what happened!
It ate all the other gooblers!
Thanks a lot, lieutenant obvious!
Damn you, Jessica Opposites!
TERRY: Oh, my God! YUMYULACK: Oh, shit!
We have to get to the visitor's center!
[White Goobler groans] [Terry and Yumyulack grunt]
- No! - Yummy bear!
[Yumyulack screams]
Looks like we need some speed.
Luckily, I wore my Heelys! Come on!
Ah! Damn it, stupid dirt, getting in my 'ees.
Run, Terry!
I'm trying! These Heely shoes betrayed me!
[crunches]
Kwelly to the rescue!
[golf cart screeches]
You gotta fix this, or Kaley's gonna go ballistic!
[shouts]
I can't! I don't even know what my goobler represents!
You better find someone who can!
That's impossible!
Our ship computer couldn't even do-- Ah!
Fuckin' snakes!
Snake blood never comes out.
These seats are gonna be red for life.
Wait! Red. That's it!
God, Kaley's gonna take those snakes out of my pension!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[door opens, closes]
How'd you find me?
Instagram. You gotta tell it not to let people tag you.
I can't, we get a lot of business through social.
Would you just leave me alone?
It took a lot of tele-therapy,
but I'm not trying to kill Korvo anymore.
That's great! I'm proud of you for doing the hard work!
But I really need your help.
Did you make some super gooblers that got out of hand?
How did you know?
All gooblers are connected through the emotional spectrum.
I could feel their presence when you made them.
I'm drawn to them. But I'm the master of my own fate.
I choose to own the fifth most popular microbrewery in town.
Sorry, I can't help you.
But my super goob ate the others,
and it ate Terry and Korvo and Yumyulack
and now I don't know what to do.
- Not my problem. - But you're my only--
Korvo and Terry ruined my life!
They turned my fiancé into a rat!
I'm over it, I'm out.
Hold your red horses, goobs.
If you're out, then why is your brewery called Die Korvo in Latin?
Get out!
And why are all your beer names so violent and abusive?
Hefewei Is Korvo Still Alive,
IPA Bullet in Korvo's Head. Stella.
I said get out!
[Jesse sobs]
[door opens, closes]
[sobs, shouts]
[door opens]
Take me to the goobler.
What made you change your mind?
I might be over killing Korvo,
but god fuck me if I'll let another goobler eat him
instead of me.
Works for me!
Just gonna warn you. It's kind of a long drive.
So you know Korvo and I hooked up in Vegas?
I bet you're wondering how I did it,
since Korvo doesn't have a butt and I don't have a dick.
Nah, it's okay, I don't need to know.
I dug a little hole out of his butt
and used a shampoo bottle as a phallus.
- It kept falling off. - Let's just listen
to some random-ass music, huh?
♪ hard rock music playing ♪
Oh, god damn it, fine.
I regret the way I lived my life.
I lie to myself about being powerful,
but I'm just toxic and bossy,
and because of that, I'm alone.
You can see how unhappy I am.
I hate being the executive
who decided Exxon Mobil should care more
about profits than people.
Yeah, that was me!
I was also the one who made insulin cost so much,
though it's basically free to make.
[sobs] I'm scum.
I'm scum.
♪ tense music intensifies ♪
[Brandy gasps]
[knocking at door]
Miss Brandy? Did something terrible happen?
You haven't texted me anything racist in the last few days.
Alice! Oh, Alice!
I'll pay for your experimental cancer treatments.
I'll help save your village that I destroyed with that pipeline!
I want to be a better person,
and it's all thanks to this strange creature that--
[gasps]
Maybe he was never really there.
[chuckles]
Oh! That whole time, it was my conscience.
I was just hallucinating!
Oh! Is that good?
I don't know, but I'm nice now!
I'm calling all the airlines
and making every plane seat bigger!
Huh, I thought this would be more like Leighton Meester's
Meester Rogers' Neighborhood For Sea Creatures
and Where To Dump Them.
Geez, these celeb animal rescue names
are getting pretty sweaty.
Oh, no! What's happening?
I hope my goobler didn't do a murder on anyone else!
[thuds] [Jesse screams]
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[White Goobler groaning]
[Kwelly gasps, screams]
Oh, shit, yeah, no,
that's definitely an anger repression goobler.
[golf cart crashes]
She's gonna consume everyone else and save you for last.
That's what they do.
But I'm not repressed or angry. I'm happy!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
[White Goobler belches]
You need to admit you've got a problem before we all die!
But I don't have a problem! There has to be another way.
I guess I can try talking to her, goobler to goobler,
using goobler speak.
Gooble. Gooble goo goo gooble goo!
Gooble goo goo gooble booble goo!
[Red Goobler shouts]
[gasps]
Hold on! I'm coming! [Red Goobler screaming]
Jesse, it's up to you,
deep down you know who you're angry at!
[Jesse screams]
[Jesse screaming]
Uh, hello, everybody.
Jessica, your stupid goobler ate us,
and now you brought the Red Goobler into it!
- Get fucked! - You get fucked, you rude shit!
This is all your fault! Why do you suck so much?
[growls] Korvo, shut-- shut--
Get him, Jesse! Let it out!
Shut your filthy mouth, Korvo!
It's your fault you're in here!
If you weren't being mean to me all the time,
I wouldn't have a fudgin' goobler in the first place.
You've turned into a bully because I never fight back,
but that changes now!
I'm not a bully, don't try and turn this on me!
I'm not done!
You're rude, selfish, and mean to me all the time!
But you just hate yourself, and we all know it!
You don't like me?
No, I don't. I don't like you.
You suck.
You never appreciate all the work I do around the house,
and I never get a story with you ever!
Fine, Jessica, we can have a story if you calm down.
Stop calling me Jessica! My name is Jesse!
[White Goobler groans, splatters]
[all grunt]
We're free! Ha ha!
And my goobler's okay.
Oh, yeah, baby, that's the good stuff.
Jesse, your anger.
Expressing it made your goobler explode.
Yeah, that's what happens if you actually show real growth.
Then why are you still around?
Because you're a myopic, stressed-out piece of shit.
Right.
I realized that if you swallow your anger,
it will kill you.
So I let her swallow me and I killed her.
Wait, so you're not actually angry with me?
Oh, I'm angry. Korvo, get fucked!
I'm so proud of you!
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
[crowd cheering]
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
Thanks for the help, Chris.
I never could have channeled my rage at Korvo
without your expertise.
As the King Goobler says, oobie goobie goo!
[gooblers laughing]
Did he say King Goobler? What the fuck is that?
Looks like all my goobies love working with you.
You know, today Jesse taught me to be true to my feelings.
You're safe now,
but I will hunt you down and I will kill you.
Don't you threaten me.
I already did, you big bitch.
[all laughing]
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what? You'll never kill me.
I'm too fast and too smart.
And it's my turn to say,
get fucked!
[glass shatters] [Korvo groaning, screaming]
My leg! Oh, Jesus Christ, it fucking hurts!
Help!
I stabbed my leg on the jagged glass.
I can feel it scraping the thing I have instead of a bone!
Holy fuck, he's losing a lot of blood.
- Should we get him down? - Yes! Of course, we should!
In a minute.
[all laughing]
Oh. Hey, Pupa, what you got?
I wanna be a better person!
Shit, Pupes! You did it!
You did something good for humanity instead of scheming for candy!
Hold on, you already have three million subscribers
and a Starburst sponsorship?
[Korvo groaning]
KORVO: Ow, ow! It hurts!
Pupa, get back here!
How did you turn this into a referendum on me being a dick?
[screams] This was a Jesse story! Why am I being punished?
It's not fair! Ow! Ow!
Goobie goobie dooby, get fucked!
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]