1
00:00:01,043 --> 00:00:03,046
♪ dramatic theme playing ♪
2
00:00:03,046 --> 00:00:07,050
♪
3
00:00:07,050 --> 00:00:08,385
♪ gentle music playing ♪
4
00:00:08,760 --> 00:00:10,554
Aw, man, Hamsterdam?
5
00:00:10,554 --> 00:00:12,389
Oh, shit!
You owe me a million dollars
6
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because there's a bunch
of Dutch Hamsters who live there.
7
00:00:14,266 --> 00:00:16,518
How the fuck are you winning
in Monopoly: The Wire Edition
8
00:00:16,518 --> 00:00:17,852
when you've never watched the show?
9
00:00:17,852 --> 00:00:19,479
Why don't you bitch
at your pewter McNutty,
10
00:00:19,479 --> 00:00:21,314
that's what keeps landing you
on shitty spots.
11
00:00:21,314 --> 00:00:22,607
Come on, gimme an eight,
12
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get me to that bar where
the dock workers drank eggs.
13
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Double dang it! Hamsterdam again?
14
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Welcome to hell, Jessica! Ha ha ha ha!
15
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Now pay up, you little delinquent!
16
00:00:31,032 --> 00:00:33,868
But I don't have any money left! Argh!
17
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I hate this stupid game.
There's too much pressure!
18
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[coughs, gags]
19
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[both gasp]
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[thuds]
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[all gasp]
Is that a White Goobler?
22
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This is a huge development.
23
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I'm about to win a board game
for the first time ever.
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KORVO:
Planet Shlorp was a perfect utopia,
25
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until the asteroid hit.
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One hundred adults and their replicants
were issued a Pupa
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and escaped into the... space,
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searching for new homes
on uninhabited worlds.
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We crashed on Earth,
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stranding us on an already
overpopulated planet.
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That's right,
I've been talking this whole time.
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I'm the one holding the Pupa.
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My name is Korvo.
This is my show.
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Bollocks, I just dropped the Pupa.
35
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Ugh. This is ridiculous.
I hate Earth.
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It's a horrible home.
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People are stupid and confusing.
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They have a restaurant called Applebee's,
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and they don't call
their appetizers apple-tizers.
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That's bullshit!
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪
42
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[goobler moans]
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Dear God, how did you cough up
such a gross goobler?
44
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I didn't even know
we could make white ones.
45
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It's the same size
as the Red Goobler was.
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Wait a minute, are you going
to say "get fucked"
47
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and try to kill us?
48
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Oh, no, I don't want
to be a burden, you know?
49
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I can't be a teen mom.
50
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I don't even have a neck tattoo!
51
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This doesn't make any sense.
52
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Why would Jesse and I
make off-color gooblers
53
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and not you two?
54
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Because we're superior in every--
55
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Oh, shit, wait a minute.
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[goobler grumbles]
57
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Totally forgot that I coughed up
a lavender goobler last week.
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- Was I supposed to report that?
- Yes!
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My Red Goobler is still out there
plotting to kill me.
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These things could be dangerous!
61
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Hm, doesn't seem dangerous.
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Oh, yeah, yeah, that's it right there.
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Give it to me. Papa like.
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This must be a Romance Goobler,
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because I'm such a romantic and shit.
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That's a freaky little
shithead horny goobler,
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and you fucking know it.
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So we all have new gooblers
except Terry?
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How does that make sense?
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We're, uh, supposed
to report weird gooblers, huh?
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Don't tell me you coughed one up too!
72
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I did not.
73
00:02:24,104 --> 00:02:25,564
Well, thank our Shlorpian gods--
74
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- I made five.
- What?
75
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Terry's gooblers, sound off!
76
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- Klepto Goobler.
- Criterion Disk Goobler.
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[groans] Envy Goobler.
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Babe-yyyy Goobler
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'cause Terry loves saying
"babe-yyy," babe-yyy.
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Kimmy Goobler.
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I re-watched all
of Full House three times
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and then barfed that little chiclet up.
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Geez, guys.
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Why are we making all these
colorful goobs right now?
85
00:02:45,667 --> 00:02:47,335
Well, that's a dumb question, Jessica.
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You're acting like you don't know anything
about Shlorpian anatomy.
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Obviously, every 100,000 times
we stress out and goobler,
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one big red one shows up.
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But, none of these are red.
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Alright, fine, I don't know
what the fuck is going on either.
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Everyone grab your gooblers
and let's go ask AISHA.
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Fucking hate it when we have
to go ask the ship stuff,
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makes us look like such dummies.
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LAVENDER GOOBLER:
[grunts] Ooh, yeah.
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♪ ethereal music playing ♪
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Pupa! How do you keep getting
your paws on Starbursts?
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You know those kiwi banana ones
give you the Tron nightmares.
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Have you ever thought that,
like, instead of indulging
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in these long, needlessly
complicated schemes
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00:03:14,279 --> 00:03:15,947
to get candy or Harry Potter whistles,
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that maybe you could use
that big-ass Pupa brain
102
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to make the world a better place?
103
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Yeah, Pupa, the satisfaction you get
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from making the world a better place
would taste way better
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00:03:24,331 --> 00:03:26,249
than any old Starbursts.
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AISHA:
Alright, dummies,
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get ready to learn
some Shlorpian 101.
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[projector ticking]
[countdown beeping]
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SHLORPIAN NARRATOR:
The Shlorpian body is designed
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to remove excess emotional buildup
by emitting gooblers:
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small, dancing creatures
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which hold your unwanted chemicals
in their bellies.
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The gooblers are emitted
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and then will dance
their adorable little jig
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until they die.
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However, if a Shlorpian has
too many negative emotions,
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the Goobler system will produce
a Super Goobler.
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Larger, meaner, smarter:
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the Super Goobler is designed
to eliminate the Shlorpian
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with emotional problems,
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removing them from the terraforming team,
122
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ultimately protecting the mission.
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Get fucked!
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SHLORPIAN NARRATOR:
If you make a Super Goobler,
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it's best to allow it to kill you
126
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so the rest of your team
can dine on your body for nutrients.
127
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Wait, so all of these little guys
are gonna grow up to kill us?
128
00:04:20,679 --> 00:04:22,847
Well, that can't be right.
Mine was a stress goobler.
129
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These are all too nice.
130
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When I get bigger,
I'm gonna fuck you up, babe-yyy!
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[all goobers clamoring]
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Gooble.
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[Solars scream]
134
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Those Super Gooblers are creepy as fuck.
135
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We gotta do something.
136
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I kinda wanna figure out
what my goobler even is
137
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before we do anything.
138
00:04:38,530 --> 00:04:40,574
What emotion was I having too much of?
139
00:04:40,574 --> 00:04:43,118
Being a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day?
140
00:04:43,118 --> 00:04:45,829
Th-this is probably a bad pitch,
but maybe it'll get us going.
141
00:04:45,829 --> 00:04:48,081
What about if we throw them
in the dumpster behind Pizza Hut?
142
00:04:48,081 --> 00:04:49,583
Okay, that's the plan to beat.
143
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Yes!
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00:04:50,375 --> 00:04:52,252
Building off of what
Yumyulack just said,
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we should put them in garbage bags
146
00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:56,256
before we throw them in the dumpster
behind Pizza Hut.
147
00:04:56,256 --> 00:04:59,217
Hmm, I'm liking this area a lot.
Now get to grabbing.
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I want to have them in that dumpster
before they start stabbing us.
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[gooblers clamoring, screaming]
150
00:05:05,640 --> 00:05:07,309
[gooblers thudding]
151
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♪ dramatic music playing ♪
152
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Ah! Don't put me in the bag!
Sweet cheese!
153
00:05:12,230 --> 00:05:13,815
Oh, little Kimmy.
154
00:05:13,815 --> 00:05:16,401
Korvo, stop! I changed my mind!
I can't kill my gooblers.
155
00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:17,235
What? Why not?
156
00:05:17,235 --> 00:05:18,612
Because they're like
my children, dammit,
157
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and they're so cute
158
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and they aren't trying
to murder anyone yet!
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They will soon enough!
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Ah, I don't want to kill mine either.
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Just look at that pelvic definition.
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You know, maybe some of them
can turn their lives around
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with a little love and attention.
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The crystal just fucking told us
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if we don't do something, they'll grow up
and then kill our asses.
166
00:05:34,127 --> 00:05:36,338
Death by goobler
is such a lowbrow way to die.
167
00:05:36,338 --> 00:05:39,591
Light bulb, we can ship them off
to Kaley Cuoco's Rancho Cuocomonga
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00:05:39,591 --> 00:05:41,509
for Miscellaneous Beasts
and Where to Abandon Them.
169
00:05:41,509 --> 00:05:43,428
Making something stupid up
won't help, Terry.
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I know, but this time
I'm telling the truth.
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00:05:45,138 --> 00:05:48,391
It's a no-kill rescue ranch
owned by Priceline's Kaley Cuoco.
172
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,268
It's where I've been sending
all of Yumyulack's snakes.
173
00:05:50,268 --> 00:05:51,102
They're alive?
174
00:05:51,102 --> 00:05:52,562
You told me you were
chopping off their heads
175
00:05:52,562 --> 00:05:55,065
and leaving them on the sidewalk
as a warning to other snakes.
176
00:05:55,065 --> 00:05:56,149
That's such great news!
177
00:05:56,149 --> 00:05:57,943
Terry, ya fucking nailed it.
This is the plan.
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Everyone, pack your shit
and meet me at the car.
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- It's time for the--
- Wait, wait, wait! Can I say it? Please!
180
00:06:01,988 --> 00:06:03,490
Please can I say it? Please?
181
00:06:03,490 --> 00:06:05,825
- Korvo, please!
- Sure, my guy. Go for it.
182
00:06:05,825 --> 00:06:09,079
The Solar Opposites
are going on a road trip!
183
00:06:09,079 --> 00:06:10,705
Yeah, babe-yyy!
184
00:06:10,705 --> 00:06:11,915
[horn honking]
185
00:06:12,624 --> 00:06:15,460
All aboard the Terry's Super Famous
Almost Famous Bus!
186
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:18,588
Fasten your seatbelts 'cause
Daddy Terry tricked out this bus
187
00:06:18,588 --> 00:06:21,716
in the theme of his favorite
road trip movie, Speed!
188
00:06:21,716 --> 00:06:23,969
If we go under 50, we explode!
189
00:06:23,969 --> 00:06:27,138
Remember? Remember Dennis Hopper's
got that little fucked-up hand?
190
00:06:27,138 --> 00:06:28,265
[explosion booms]
191
00:06:28,265 --> 00:06:29,808
[metal clattering]
192
00:06:30,225 --> 00:06:31,268
[horn honks]
193
00:06:31,268 --> 00:06:33,270
Okay, this time Daddy got us
a regular bus
194
00:06:33,270 --> 00:06:35,438
with almost no bombs, babe-yyy!!
195
00:06:35,438 --> 00:06:37,065
Yeah, babe-yyy!
196
00:06:38,066 --> 00:06:40,318
♪ rock music playing ♪
197
00:06:40,318 --> 00:06:43,363
♪
198
00:06:43,363 --> 00:06:44,281
[woman screams]
199
00:06:44,281 --> 00:06:46,199
[engine revving]
200
00:06:46,199 --> 00:06:49,327
♪
201
00:06:58,211 --> 00:06:59,129
[plasma gun fires]
202
00:06:59,963 --> 00:07:01,923
[Solars and gooblers laughing, cheering]
203
00:07:01,923 --> 00:07:04,718
♪ rock music playing ♪
204
00:07:04,718 --> 00:07:07,804
Psst, hey, Yum, what do you think
my goobler is?
205
00:07:07,804 --> 00:07:09,681
Maybe it's like a sweet goobler
or something?
206
00:07:09,681 --> 00:07:12,309
Jess-ica, your goobler is
a goobler for sucking!
207
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:14,603
It takes up a bunch of space,
and it's a deadweight piece of shit
208
00:07:14,603 --> 00:07:16,605
with nothing to offer the world
and everybody hates it.
209
00:07:16,605 --> 00:07:18,273
Oh, okay. Maybe that's it.
210
00:07:18,273 --> 00:07:20,275
Will you stop playing
with that gun, you little shit.
211
00:07:20,275 --> 00:07:21,192
[gunshot]
[Korvo shouts]
212
00:07:27,115 --> 00:07:30,076
JESSE: The satisfaction you get
from making the world a better place
213
00:07:30,076 --> 00:07:33,538
would taste way better
than any old Starbursts.
214
00:07:37,876 --> 00:07:40,921
I don't care how many geese
drowned in the black tar
215
00:07:40,921 --> 00:07:42,214
off the coast of Santa Barbara,
216
00:07:42,214 --> 00:07:44,883
I want my oil rigs
up and running by tomorrow
217
00:07:44,883 --> 00:07:47,010
or your adopted orphans can starve!
218
00:07:47,719 --> 00:07:50,388
Oh, Jesus Christ. You can't have
next week off, Alice.
219
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:52,390
I don't care what stage your cancer is in.
220
00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:53,975
Yes, Miss Brandy.
221
00:07:53,975 --> 00:07:54,935
[sobs]
222
00:07:56,895 --> 00:07:57,729
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[shouts]
223
00:07:57,729 --> 00:07:59,940
What the fuck
are you supposed to be?
224
00:07:59,940 --> 00:08:00,941
Get out of here!
225
00:08:00,941 --> 00:08:01,900
Cocomelon.
226
00:08:01,900 --> 00:08:03,902
Cocom-- uh--
What are you talking about?
227
00:08:03,902 --> 00:08:05,028
I said get out!
228
00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:06,488
[vase shatters]
229
00:08:06,488 --> 00:08:08,949
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
230
00:08:08,949 --> 00:08:09,658
[door slams]
231
00:08:12,869 --> 00:08:13,870
- PUPA: Cocomelon.
- Ah!
232
00:08:13,870 --> 00:08:16,206
Oh, my God!
What do you want?
233
00:08:16,706 --> 00:08:19,668
♪ rock music playing ♪
234
00:08:19,668 --> 00:08:22,546
♪
235
00:08:22,546 --> 00:08:24,923
[yawns]
Only 14 more hours to the ranch
236
00:08:24,923 --> 00:08:26,132
and I get to meet Kaley.
237
00:08:26,550 --> 00:08:28,260
Wait a minute, something's missing.
238
00:08:28,260 --> 00:08:32,055
One, two, four, five. Oh, fuck,
where's my Klepto Goobler?
239
00:08:32,055 --> 00:08:34,182
Maybe we left him
at the local Scottish food place
240
00:08:34,182 --> 00:08:34,975
we stopped at.
241
00:08:34,975 --> 00:08:36,726
- You mean McDonald's?
- Fuck!
242
00:08:36,726 --> 00:08:39,354
He's probably still there,
stealing all the McFlurry toppings.
243
00:08:39,354 --> 00:08:40,689
- We have to go back.
- No, Terry!
244
00:08:40,689 --> 00:08:41,565
We're already running late
245
00:08:41,565 --> 00:08:43,567
because we spent so much time
in the McPlayPlace.
246
00:08:43,567 --> 00:08:45,443
I think my goobler's getting bigger?
247
00:08:45,443 --> 00:08:46,861
How could you lose your gooblers?
248
00:08:46,861 --> 00:08:48,488
That's the whole point of this road trip!
249
00:08:48,488 --> 00:08:51,157
All I'm sayin' is,
you bring a motherfucker to a PlayPlace,
250
00:08:51,157 --> 00:08:52,576
motherfucker gonna play.
251
00:08:52,576 --> 00:08:55,203
[water sloshing]
252
00:08:55,203 --> 00:08:56,413
[door opens, closes]
253
00:08:56,413 --> 00:09:00,000
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
254
00:09:00,458 --> 00:09:02,043
- Cocomelon?
- Jesus, shit!
255
00:09:02,043 --> 00:09:03,295
Okay, y-you're not real.
256
00:09:03,295 --> 00:09:04,504
Y-you're just a side effect
257
00:09:04,504 --> 00:09:06,673
of my Goop ayahuasca vaginal gummy crowns.
258
00:09:06,673 --> 00:09:09,134
I-I-I'm just gonna take some
of my rhino horn pills
259
00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:11,511
that only rich people have,
and you'll go away.
260
00:09:11,511 --> 00:09:12,429
[pills rattle]
[gulps]
261
00:09:13,346 --> 00:09:16,182
- Cocomelon.
- Ah! You know what, fuck this!
262
00:09:16,182 --> 00:09:18,226
How dare you sit there judging me
263
00:09:18,226 --> 00:09:19,519
with your Cookie Monster eyes?
264
00:09:19,519 --> 00:09:21,730
- Cocomelon.
- You can't judge me.
265
00:09:21,730 --> 00:09:25,317
Only my lovers can judge me
because that's what gets me off.
266
00:09:25,317 --> 00:09:26,568
I choose loneliness
267
00:09:26,568 --> 00:09:28,445
because I've been in love before,
and it sucks.
268
00:09:28,445 --> 00:09:29,529
Cocomelon.
269
00:09:29,529 --> 00:09:31,948
One minute you're happy
living in suburban Kansas City
270
00:09:31,948 --> 00:09:33,742
and the next your lover's in Clueless,
271
00:09:33,742 --> 00:09:35,994
then goes on to have
a 30-year acting career
272
00:09:35,994 --> 00:09:37,412
- and never ages!
- Cocomelon!
273
00:09:37,412 --> 00:09:40,165
Shut up! I am done with you!
274
00:09:40,165 --> 00:09:43,877
[toilet flushes]
275
00:09:49,549 --> 00:09:50,425
[Brandy gasps]
276
00:09:50,425 --> 00:09:51,301
Cocomelon.
277
00:09:51,301 --> 00:09:53,053
[Brandy screams]
278
00:09:53,053 --> 00:09:56,723
♪ rock music playing ♪
279
00:09:56,723 --> 00:10:03,980
♪
280
00:10:05,690 --> 00:10:07,484
♪ uplifting music playing ♪
281
00:10:07,943 --> 00:10:10,278
[gasps] Oh, my God!
Is that Kaley Cuoco?
282
00:10:10,278 --> 00:10:12,030
No, wait, this lady only has one ear.
283
00:10:12,030 --> 00:10:13,281
Kaley has two ears!
284
00:10:13,281 --> 00:10:15,742
What the fuck? I want
to abandon my animals with Kaley!
285
00:10:15,742 --> 00:10:19,037
I'm Kaley Cuoco's stunt double,
Kwelly Cloakawoko.
286
00:10:19,037 --> 00:10:22,207
I lost my ear when Sheldon's homemade
Green Lantern ring exploded
287
00:10:22,207 --> 00:10:23,416
on the Big Bang set.
288
00:10:23,416 --> 00:10:27,671
Welcome to Kaley Cuoco's
Rancho Cuocomonga!
289
00:10:27,671 --> 00:10:29,673
Let's get these
deformed creatures settled,
290
00:10:29,673 --> 00:10:31,132
and I'll give you the tour!
291
00:10:32,551 --> 00:10:35,762
We take all the fucked-up animals
no one else wants to touch:
292
00:10:35,762 --> 00:10:39,057
ligers, middle-aged wolves,
albino pythons.
293
00:10:39,057 --> 00:10:40,016
YUMYULACK:
My snakes!
294
00:10:40,016 --> 00:10:42,894
Anaconor and Lahissa,
you're thriving!
295
00:10:42,894 --> 00:10:44,271
What would you guys like to abandon?
296
00:10:44,271 --> 00:10:46,147
We have several customizable packages
297
00:10:46,147 --> 00:10:49,317
ranging from $29.99 to $8.57 million.
298
00:10:49,317 --> 00:10:52,070
I'm sure you get this a lot,
we have half a dozen Super Gooblers
299
00:10:52,070 --> 00:10:53,905
that'll eventually kill us
so, you know,
300
00:10:53,905 --> 00:10:56,575
gotta ditch them with you
before the stabby-stabby begins.
301
00:10:56,575 --> 00:10:58,451
A half dozen? You mean these two?
302
00:10:58,451 --> 00:11:00,287
No, we-- Oh, shit!
303
00:11:00,287 --> 00:11:02,163
Jesse, your goobler got fat as fuck!
304
00:11:02,163 --> 00:11:03,248
Why didn't you say anything?
305
00:11:03,248 --> 00:11:04,541
I did, on the bus!
306
00:11:04,541 --> 00:11:06,626
Next time speak up, Messica!
307
00:11:06,626 --> 00:11:09,045
If you weren't part of my mission,
I would abandon you here too.
308
00:11:09,045 --> 00:11:10,297
[Jesse groans]
309
00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:12,340
♪ gentle music playing ♪
310
00:11:12,340 --> 00:11:14,509
This is our largest enclosure.
311
00:11:14,509 --> 00:11:16,261
Your strange creatures should be as happy
312
00:11:16,261 --> 00:11:18,096
as an abandoned animal can ever be here.
313
00:11:18,096 --> 00:11:19,472
[bear growls]
314
00:11:19,472 --> 00:11:20,599
Go on, little guy.
315
00:11:20,599 --> 00:11:24,436
You can romance the fuck out
of whatever you want in there.
316
00:11:25,145 --> 00:11:25,812
Wait!
317
00:11:25,812 --> 00:11:27,230
Jesse, these things
are going to turn on us,
318
00:11:27,230 --> 00:11:28,398
can we wrap it up?
319
00:11:28,773 --> 00:11:30,817
I just need to know what you are.
320
00:11:30,817 --> 00:11:32,694
What emotion do I have too much of?
321
00:11:32,694 --> 00:11:35,780
Who cares! Get the fuck in there,
you stupid goobler.
322
00:11:35,780 --> 00:11:36,615
[door closes]
323
00:11:36,615 --> 00:11:39,451
Phew, finally, a goobler situation
that doesn't end
324
00:11:39,451 --> 00:11:41,870
in me getting stabbed
or having sex in a casino.
325
00:11:41,870 --> 00:11:43,622
Bye, White Goobler.
326
00:11:43,622 --> 00:11:45,081
You guys must be tired.
327
00:11:45,081 --> 00:11:47,751
You can stay here for the night
in our The Flight Attendant suite
328
00:11:47,751 --> 00:11:50,879
and relax with a post-abandonment cup
of hot Cuoco.
329
00:11:50,879 --> 00:11:52,631
Ew, do you have to say it that way?
330
00:11:53,089 --> 00:11:55,217
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
331
00:11:55,217 --> 00:11:56,343
That's my ledge,
332
00:11:56,343 --> 00:11:58,470
and I didn't give you permission
to perch there.
333
00:11:58,470 --> 00:11:59,262
Cocomelon?
334
00:11:59,262 --> 00:12:00,305
Let's see if you can dodge
335
00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:02,891
all these expensive
rich lady collectables!
336
00:12:02,891 --> 00:12:06,728
Basquiat's basquiaball.
Air Bud's skull!
337
00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,939
An Irish femur from the Titanic!
[grunts]
338
00:12:08,939 --> 00:12:09,606
[Pupa shouts]
339
00:12:09,606 --> 00:12:11,524
Ancient butt plug!
340
00:12:13,318 --> 00:12:16,112
Yes! Ha ha ha!
341
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:17,280
Fuck you!
342
00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:19,241
I'm free from the torture!
343
00:12:19,241 --> 00:12:20,075
[sighs]
344
00:12:20,075 --> 00:12:21,076
- Cocomelon.
- Ah!
345
00:12:21,076 --> 00:12:23,578
Ow! My leg! Oh God.
346
00:12:23,578 --> 00:12:24,704
Help! Help!
347
00:12:26,164 --> 00:12:28,124
Can anybody hear me?
348
00:12:28,124 --> 00:12:29,084
[groans]
349
00:12:29,084 --> 00:12:30,377
Of course not.
350
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:34,756
I'm all alone...
by my own design.
351
00:12:35,340 --> 00:12:36,299
[slurps]
352
00:12:36,299 --> 00:12:38,635
Mm, this hot Cuoco is pumpkin-spicy.
353
00:12:38,635 --> 00:12:39,761
Don't you think it's weird
354
00:12:39,761 --> 00:12:42,847
that none of us figured out
what my goobler's dealio was?
355
00:12:42,847 --> 00:12:45,183
Oh, my God, nobody cares
about the goobler shit.
356
00:12:45,183 --> 00:12:46,977
I mean, if I had
to figure out the backstory
357
00:12:46,977 --> 00:12:48,979
of everything I puked up,
I'd be too busy to write
358
00:12:48,979 --> 00:12:51,356
my Dolores Claiborne
expanded universe fan fiction.
359
00:12:51,356 --> 00:12:52,607
Maybe you're right.
360
00:12:52,607 --> 00:12:55,402
I'm gonna go say bye
to the gooblers one more time
361
00:12:55,402 --> 00:12:56,820
before we kwo-go.
362
00:12:56,820 --> 00:12:59,197
Oh, my God,
you're such a Lisa Simpson.
363
00:12:59,197 --> 00:13:01,324
♪ somber music playing ♪
364
00:13:01,324 --> 00:13:03,368
White Goobler? Are you awake?
365
00:13:03,368 --> 00:13:06,037
[switch thuds, lights thud]
366
00:13:06,955 --> 00:13:09,207
[White Goobler growls]
367
00:13:09,207 --> 00:13:10,417
[Jesse gasps]
368
00:13:10,417 --> 00:13:12,002
[White Goobler growls]
369
00:13:12,752 --> 00:13:14,754
Give it to me! Papa like!
370
00:13:15,672 --> 00:13:16,923
Whitey, no!
371
00:13:16,923 --> 00:13:19,009
[White Goobler groans]
372
00:13:19,009 --> 00:13:20,093
[wall crashes]
373
00:13:21,595 --> 00:13:22,596
[White Goobler groans]
[Jesse gasps]
374
00:13:24,097 --> 00:13:25,724
You know, I always thought
Kaley Cuoco was
375
00:13:25,724 --> 00:13:26,933
a poor man's Kristen Bell,
376
00:13:26,933 --> 00:13:28,226
but now I'm gonna upgrade her
377
00:13:28,226 --> 00:13:30,812
to an upper middle-class woman's
Anna Faris.
378
00:13:30,812 --> 00:13:33,023
- [branches snap]
- Shut up, did you hear that?
379
00:13:33,648 --> 00:13:36,109
Use the single match app on your phone
to get us some more light.
380
00:13:36,109 --> 00:13:38,320
Right! Steady.
Hope this works.
381
00:13:38,320 --> 00:13:41,740
The app only has one match
before it makes you watch an ad.
382
00:13:42,032 --> 00:13:42,741
Phew!
383
00:13:43,408 --> 00:13:45,201
♪ tense music playing ♪
384
00:13:45,911 --> 00:13:46,912
Oh, shit!
385
00:13:46,912 --> 00:13:48,830
[White Goobler groans]
386
00:13:49,956 --> 00:13:51,917
Help! It's hugging me!
Help! Help!
387
00:13:52,250 --> 00:13:54,920
The White Goobler got out,
and now I think I know what happened!
388
00:13:54,920 --> 00:13:56,671
It ate all the other gooblers!
389
00:13:56,671 --> 00:13:58,173
Thanks a lot, lieutenant obvious!
390
00:13:58,173 --> 00:14:00,342
Damn you, Jessica Opposites!
391
00:14:00,342 --> 00:14:01,760
TERRY: Oh, my God!
YUMYULACK: Oh, shit!
392
00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,762
We have to get to the visitor's center!
393
00:14:03,762 --> 00:14:05,263
[White Goobler groans]
[Terry and Yumyulack grunt]
394
00:14:05,263 --> 00:14:07,515
- No!
- Yummy bear!
395
00:14:07,515 --> 00:14:09,559
[Yumyulack screams]
396
00:14:09,559 --> 00:14:10,936
Looks like we need some speed.
397
00:14:10,936 --> 00:14:12,604
Luckily, I wore my Heelys! Come on!
398
00:14:14,064 --> 00:14:16,650
Ah!
Damn it, stupid dirt, getting in my 'ees.
399
00:14:16,650 --> 00:14:17,984
Run, Terry!
400
00:14:17,984 --> 00:14:20,570
I'm trying!
These Heely shoes betrayed me!
401
00:14:20,570 --> 00:14:21,529
[crunches]
402
00:14:21,529 --> 00:14:23,531
Kwelly to the rescue!
403
00:14:23,531 --> 00:14:24,449
[golf cart screeches]
404
00:14:24,741 --> 00:14:27,619
You gotta fix this,
or Kaley's gonna go ballistic!
405
00:14:27,619 --> 00:14:28,620
[shouts]
406
00:14:29,371 --> 00:14:32,499
I can't! I don't even know
what my goobler represents!
407
00:14:32,499 --> 00:14:34,334
You better find someone who can!
408
00:14:34,334 --> 00:14:35,418
That's impossible!
409
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:37,587
Our ship computer couldn't even do-- Ah!
410
00:14:37,587 --> 00:14:38,672
Fuckin' snakes!
411
00:14:38,672 --> 00:14:40,173
Snake blood never comes out.
412
00:14:40,173 --> 00:14:41,967
These seats are gonna be red for life.
413
00:14:41,967 --> 00:14:44,177
Wait! Red. That's it!
414
00:14:44,177 --> 00:14:47,597
God, Kaley's gonna take
those snakes out of my pension!
415
00:14:51,518 --> 00:14:55,730
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
416
00:14:56,314 --> 00:14:57,774
[door opens, closes]
417
00:14:57,774 --> 00:14:59,150
How'd you find me?
418
00:14:59,150 --> 00:15:02,153
Instagram. You gotta tell it
not to let people tag you.
419
00:15:02,153 --> 00:15:04,489
I can't, we get a lot
of business through social.
420
00:15:04,489 --> 00:15:05,991
Would you just leave me alone?
421
00:15:05,991 --> 00:15:07,492
It took a lot of tele-therapy,
422
00:15:07,492 --> 00:15:09,494
but I'm not trying to kill Korvo anymore.
423
00:15:09,494 --> 00:15:12,205
That's great! I'm proud of you
for doing the hard work!
424
00:15:12,205 --> 00:15:13,999
But I really need your help.
425
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:16,751
Did you make some super gooblers
that got out of hand?
426
00:15:16,751 --> 00:15:17,669
How did you know?
427
00:15:17,669 --> 00:15:20,630
All gooblers are connected
through the emotional spectrum.
428
00:15:20,630 --> 00:15:22,841
I could feel their presence
when you made them.
429
00:15:22,841 --> 00:15:26,303
I'm drawn to them.
But I'm the master of my own fate.
430
00:15:26,303 --> 00:15:29,764
I choose to own the fifth most popular
microbrewery in town.
431
00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:31,391
Sorry, I can't help you.
432
00:15:31,391 --> 00:15:33,310
But my super goob ate the others,
433
00:15:33,310 --> 00:15:35,312
and it ate Terry and Korvo and Yumyulack
434
00:15:35,312 --> 00:15:36,771
and now I don't know what to do.
435
00:15:36,771 --> 00:15:38,565
- Not my problem.
- But you're my only--
436
00:15:38,565 --> 00:15:40,191
Korvo and Terry ruined my life!
437
00:15:40,191 --> 00:15:41,943
They turned my fiancé into a rat!
438
00:15:41,943 --> 00:15:43,528
I'm over it, I'm out.
439
00:15:43,528 --> 00:15:45,697
Hold your red horses, goobs.
440
00:15:45,697 --> 00:15:49,075
If you're out, then why is your brewery
called Die Korvo in Latin?
441
00:15:49,075 --> 00:15:49,910
Get out!
442
00:15:49,910 --> 00:15:52,537
And why are all your beer names
so violent and abusive?
443
00:15:52,537 --> 00:15:54,789
Hefewei Is Korvo Still Alive,
444
00:15:54,789 --> 00:15:57,667
IPA Bullet in Korvo's Head. Stella.
445
00:15:57,667 --> 00:15:58,543
I said get out!
446
00:15:58,543 --> 00:16:00,420
[Jesse sobs]
447
00:16:00,420 --> 00:16:01,254
[door opens, closes]
448
00:16:04,049 --> 00:16:06,176
[sobs, shouts]
449
00:16:07,260 --> 00:16:08,428
[door opens]
450
00:16:08,428 --> 00:16:09,763
Take me to the goobler.
451
00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:11,473
What made you change your mind?
452
00:16:11,473 --> 00:16:13,099
I might be over killing Korvo,
453
00:16:13,099 --> 00:16:15,393
but god fuck me if I'll let
another goobler eat him
454
00:16:15,393 --> 00:16:16,478
instead of me.
455
00:16:16,478 --> 00:16:17,562
Works for me!
456
00:16:18,855 --> 00:16:21,524
Just gonna warn you.
It's kind of a long drive.
457
00:16:24,486 --> 00:16:27,030
So you know Korvo
and I hooked up in Vegas?
458
00:16:27,405 --> 00:16:28,865
I bet you're wondering how I did it,
459
00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:31,326
since Korvo doesn't have a butt
and I don't have a dick.
460
00:16:31,326 --> 00:16:33,370
Nah, it's okay, I don't need to know.
461
00:16:34,663 --> 00:16:36,248
I dug a little hole out of his butt
462
00:16:36,248 --> 00:16:38,166
and used a shampoo bottle as a phallus.
463
00:16:38,166 --> 00:16:39,918
- It kept falling off.
- Let's just listen
464
00:16:39,918 --> 00:16:41,670
to some random-ass music, huh?
465
00:16:41,670 --> 00:16:42,462
♪ hard rock music playing ♪
466
00:16:43,338 --> 00:16:45,966
Oh, god damn it, fine.
467
00:16:45,966 --> 00:16:48,301
I regret the way I lived my life.
468
00:16:48,301 --> 00:16:50,470
I lie to myself about being powerful,
469
00:16:50,470 --> 00:16:52,639
but I'm just toxic and bossy,
470
00:16:52,639 --> 00:16:55,100
and because of that, I'm alone.
471
00:16:55,100 --> 00:16:57,018
You can see how unhappy I am.
472
00:16:57,018 --> 00:16:58,603
I hate being the executive
473
00:16:58,603 --> 00:17:00,772
who decided Exxon Mobil should care more
474
00:17:00,772 --> 00:17:02,732
about profits than people.
475
00:17:02,732 --> 00:17:04,276
Yeah, that was me!
476
00:17:04,276 --> 00:17:06,945
I was also the one
who made insulin cost so much,
477
00:17:06,945 --> 00:17:09,030
though it's basically free to make.
478
00:17:09,030 --> 00:17:11,616
[sobs] I'm scum.
479
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:14,869
I'm scum.
480
00:17:14,869 --> 00:17:16,288
♪ tense music intensifies ♪
481
00:17:16,288 --> 00:17:17,163
[Brandy gasps]
482
00:17:18,707 --> 00:17:19,791
[knocking at door]
483
00:17:19,791 --> 00:17:22,586
Miss Brandy?
Did something terrible happen?
484
00:17:22,586 --> 00:17:25,463
You haven't texted me anything racist
in the last few days.
485
00:17:25,463 --> 00:17:27,215
Alice! Oh, Alice!
486
00:17:27,215 --> 00:17:29,801
I'll pay for your experimental
cancer treatments.
487
00:17:29,801 --> 00:17:33,054
I'll help save your village
that I destroyed with that pipeline!
488
00:17:33,054 --> 00:17:35,181
I want to be a better person,
489
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:38,184
and it's all thanks to this
strange creature that--
490
00:17:38,184 --> 00:17:38,685
[gasps]
491
00:17:39,394 --> 00:17:41,187
Maybe he was never really there.
492
00:17:41,187 --> 00:17:42,230
[chuckles]
493
00:17:42,230 --> 00:17:45,400
Oh! That whole time,
it was my conscience.
494
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:47,527
I was just hallucinating!
495
00:17:47,527 --> 00:17:50,071
Oh! Is that good?
496
00:17:50,071 --> 00:17:54,367
I don't know, but I'm nice now!
497
00:17:54,367 --> 00:17:56,202
I'm calling all the airlines
498
00:17:56,202 --> 00:17:59,331
and making every plane seat bigger!
499
00:18:00,457 --> 00:18:02,876
Huh, I thought this would be
more like Leighton Meester's
500
00:18:02,876 --> 00:18:04,836
Meester Rogers' Neighborhood
For Sea Creatures
501
00:18:04,836 --> 00:18:05,962
and Where To Dump Them.
502
00:18:05,962 --> 00:18:07,964
Geez, these celeb animal rescue names
503
00:18:07,964 --> 00:18:09,299
are getting pretty sweaty.
504
00:18:09,299 --> 00:18:11,301
Oh, no! What's happening?
505
00:18:11,968 --> 00:18:14,804
I hope my goobler didn't do
a murder on anyone else!
506
00:18:14,804 --> 00:18:15,764
[thuds]
[Jesse screams]
507
00:18:17,265 --> 00:18:18,767
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
508
00:18:18,767 --> 00:18:20,435
[White Goobler groaning]
509
00:18:20,435 --> 00:18:22,103
[Kwelly gasps, screams]
510
00:18:22,103 --> 00:18:23,521
Oh, shit, yeah, no,
511
00:18:23,521 --> 00:18:25,690
that's definitely
an anger repression goobler.
512
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:28,652
[golf cart crashes]
513
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:32,072
She's gonna consume everyone else
and save you for last.
514
00:18:32,072 --> 00:18:32,906
That's what they do.
515
00:18:32,906 --> 00:18:36,451
But I'm not repressed or angry.
I'm happy!
516
00:18:36,451 --> 00:18:38,328
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
517
00:18:38,328 --> 00:18:39,871
[White Goobler belches]
518
00:18:40,247 --> 00:18:43,250
You need to admit you've got
a problem before we all die!
519
00:18:43,250 --> 00:18:46,545
But I don't have a problem!
There has to be another way.
520
00:18:46,545 --> 00:18:49,214
I guess I can try talking to her,
goobler to goobler,
521
00:18:49,214 --> 00:18:50,757
using goobler speak.
522
00:18:50,757 --> 00:18:53,885
Gooble. Gooble goo goo gooble goo!
523
00:18:54,844 --> 00:18:58,014
Gooble goo goo gooble booble goo!
524
00:18:59,558 --> 00:19:00,600
[Red Goobler shouts]
525
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:01,476
[gasps]
526
00:19:01,476 --> 00:19:03,103
Hold on! I'm coming!
[Red Goobler screaming]
527
00:19:03,812 --> 00:19:04,938
Jesse, it's up to you,
528
00:19:04,938 --> 00:19:07,524
deep down you know who you're angry at!
529
00:19:07,524 --> 00:19:09,025
[Jesse screams]
530
00:19:10,569 --> 00:19:12,529
[Jesse screaming]
531
00:19:12,529 --> 00:19:14,447
Uh, hello, everybody.
532
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:16,074
Jessica, your stupid goobler ate us,
533
00:19:16,074 --> 00:19:17,659
and now you brought
the Red Goobler into it!
534
00:19:17,659 --> 00:19:19,869
- Get fucked!
- You get fucked, you rude shit!
535
00:19:19,869 --> 00:19:22,163
This is all your fault!
Why do you suck so much?
536
00:19:22,163 --> 00:19:25,542
[growls] Korvo, shut-- shut--
537
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:27,168
Get him, Jesse! Let it out!
538
00:19:27,168 --> 00:19:29,588
Shut your filthy mouth, Korvo!
539
00:19:29,588 --> 00:19:31,172
It's your fault you're in here!
540
00:19:31,172 --> 00:19:33,091
If you weren't being mean
to me all the time,
541
00:19:33,091 --> 00:19:35,635
I wouldn't have a fudgin' goobler
in the first place.
542
00:19:35,635 --> 00:19:38,847
You've turned into a bully
because I never fight back,
543
00:19:38,847 --> 00:19:40,974
but that changes now!
544
00:19:40,974 --> 00:19:42,851
I'm not a bully,
don't try and turn this on me!
545
00:19:42,851 --> 00:19:44,978
I'm not done!
546
00:19:44,978 --> 00:19:47,230
You're rude, selfish,
and mean to me all the time!
547
00:19:47,230 --> 00:19:50,191
But you just hate yourself,
and we all know it!
548
00:19:50,191 --> 00:19:51,818
You don't like me?
549
00:19:51,818 --> 00:19:54,029
No, I don't. I don't like you.
550
00:19:54,029 --> 00:19:54,905
You suck.
551
00:19:54,905 --> 00:19:57,866
You never appreciate all the work
I do around the house,
552
00:19:57,866 --> 00:20:00,911
and I never get a story with you ever!
553
00:20:00,911 --> 00:20:04,414
Fine, Jessica, we can have
a story if you calm down.
554
00:20:04,414 --> 00:20:09,294
Stop calling me Jessica!
My name is Jesse!
555
00:20:09,294 --> 00:20:10,086
[White Goobler groans, splatters]
556
00:20:10,086 --> 00:20:11,671
[all grunt]
557
00:20:12,214 --> 00:20:14,090
We're free! Ha ha!
558
00:20:14,090 --> 00:20:15,717
And my goobler's okay.
559
00:20:15,717 --> 00:20:18,094
Oh, yeah, baby, that's the good stuff.
560
00:20:18,094 --> 00:20:19,387
Jesse, your anger.
561
00:20:19,387 --> 00:20:21,348
Expressing it made your goobler explode.
562
00:20:21,348 --> 00:20:24,226
Yeah, that's what happens
if you actually show real growth.
563
00:20:24,226 --> 00:20:25,685
Then why are you still around?
564
00:20:25,685 --> 00:20:28,730
Because you're a myopic,
stressed-out piece of shit.
565
00:20:28,730 --> 00:20:29,814
Right.
566
00:20:29,814 --> 00:20:32,025
I realized that
if you swallow your anger,
567
00:20:32,025 --> 00:20:33,026
it will kill you.
568
00:20:33,026 --> 00:20:35,695
So I let her swallow me and I killed her.
569
00:20:35,695 --> 00:20:37,864
Wait, so you're not
actually angry with me?
570
00:20:37,864 --> 00:20:40,367
Oh, I'm angry. Korvo, get fucked!
571
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:42,118
I'm so proud of you!
572
00:20:42,619 --> 00:20:43,578
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
573
00:20:43,578 --> 00:20:46,456
[crowd cheering]
574
00:20:46,456 --> 00:20:49,251
♪ upbeat music playing ♪
575
00:20:49,251 --> 00:20:50,502
Thanks for the help, Chris.
576
00:20:50,502 --> 00:20:53,004
I never could have channeled
my rage at Korvo
577
00:20:53,004 --> 00:20:54,422
without your expertise.
578
00:20:54,422 --> 00:20:57,509
As the King Goobler says,
oobie goobie goo!
579
00:20:57,509 --> 00:20:59,261
[gooblers laughing]
580
00:20:59,261 --> 00:21:01,638
Did he say King Goobler?
What the fuck is that?
581
00:21:01,638 --> 00:21:03,932
Looks like all my goobies
love working with you.
582
00:21:03,932 --> 00:21:07,060
You know, today Jesse taught me
to be true to my feelings.
583
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:08,103
You're safe now,
584
00:21:08,103 --> 00:21:10,689
but I will hunt you down
and I will kill you.
585
00:21:10,689 --> 00:21:11,773
Don't you threaten me.
586
00:21:11,773 --> 00:21:13,733
I already did, you big bitch.
587
00:21:13,733 --> 00:21:14,484
[all laughing]
588
00:21:14,484 --> 00:21:16,570
Oh, yeah? Well, guess what?
You'll never kill me.
589
00:21:16,570 --> 00:21:18,029
I'm too fast and too smart.
590
00:21:18,029 --> 00:21:19,781
And it's my turn to say,
591
00:21:19,781 --> 00:21:21,241
get fucked!
592
00:21:21,241 --> 00:21:24,160
[glass shatters]
[Korvo groaning, screaming]
593
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,205
My leg! Oh, Jesus Christ,
it fucking hurts!
594
00:21:27,205 --> 00:21:28,123
Help!
595
00:21:28,123 --> 00:21:30,083
I stabbed my leg
on the jagged glass.
596
00:21:30,083 --> 00:21:33,336
I can feel it scraping the thing
I have instead of a bone!
597
00:21:33,837 --> 00:21:35,672
Holy fuck, he's losing a lot of blood.
598
00:21:35,672 --> 00:21:38,091
- Should we get him down?
- Yes! Of course, we should!
599
00:21:39,134 --> 00:21:40,051
In a minute.
600
00:21:40,051 --> 00:21:41,303
[all laughing]
601
00:21:41,303 --> 00:21:43,138
Oh. Hey, Pupa, what you got?
602
00:21:43,805 --> 00:21:45,849
I wanna be a better person!
603
00:21:45,849 --> 00:21:47,809
Shit, Pupes! You did it!
604
00:21:47,809 --> 00:21:50,979
You did something good for humanity
instead of scheming for candy!
605
00:21:51,605 --> 00:21:53,899
Hold on, you already have
three million subscribers
606
00:21:53,899 --> 00:21:55,483
and a Starburst sponsorship?
607
00:21:56,401 --> 00:21:59,029
[Korvo groaning]
608
00:21:59,029 --> 00:22:00,572
KORVO:
Ow, ow! It hurts!
609
00:22:00,572 --> 00:22:01,698
Pupa, get back here!
610
00:22:01,698 --> 00:22:04,159
How did you turn this into a referendum
on me being a dick?
611
00:22:04,159 --> 00:22:07,621
[screams] This was a Jesse story!
Why am I being punished?
612
00:22:07,621 --> 00:22:09,289
It's not fair! Ow! Ow!
613
00:22:10,790 --> 00:22:12,792
Goobie goobie dooby, get fucked!
614
00:22:12,792 --> 00:22:17,380
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
615
00:22:17,380 --> 00:22:20,550
♪
616
00:22:57,170 --> 00:22:58,672
[mimicking laser fire]