♪ dramatic theme music ♪
♪
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[spaceship crashes]
Holy fuck! What the fuck?
No predators, we're clear.
Hey, lady! This poorly built structure got in the way of our landing!
If you've so much as scratched my star cruiser--
Greetings! I'm Terry, and this is Korvo. We're new around these parts.
Can you point us toward your sexiest graveyard?
What? No. We're on a mission!
Can we live in this house, Korvo?
- Please? - No!
We're going to build a huge, imposing technotower
in the center of the continent.
Uh, if you purchase the house,
I'll throw in a sweet-ass electric guitar.
[Terry, Jesse, Yumyulack gasp]
Why are we huddling? We don't need an electric guitar.
We could start a band!
It would help the mission because of how cool we would look.
I've always wanted to rock 'n' roll and coochi-coo!
Fine! But we're not staying in this house long.
I want my technotower.
- [Pupa, Jesse, Terry, Yumyulack cheer] - AISHA.
Monitor ship systems while I haggle with this biped.
AISHA: Orders received.
AISHA program will monitor systems
until further instructions.
♪ gentle music playing ♪
♪
ALL: [chanting] Trixie, Trix, Trix, Trix!
[thunder rumbling]
JESSE [singing]: ♪ Flyness of a scrub is up for debate ♪
And your Fruit by Keith by the Foot
tastes like Poop by Keith from the Butt!
TERRY: I wasted my cool-ass hidden tank because of you!
Die, die!
♪ gentle music continues ♪
♪
♪ dramatic music playing ♪
♪ gentle music playing ♪
AISHA: Ahhh, another goddamn day in paradise. Music!
Coffee me, baby!
Man, that looks good.
If I had a nose or mouth, I'd savor the shit out of it.
Scannin' ship monitors,
scrubbin' overnight sploof from the jipefilters, washin' windows.
[alarm beeps] Ooh!
[computer beeps]
What's up, AISHA. [chuckles]
You have time to play some Words With F?
AISHA: Hey, Calvin! I think I can swing it.
Pretty sure we ended last time with the word voluptuous.
Well, that one was easy to come up with.
I was lookin' right at you.
[AISHA laughs] Damn, Calvin.
Alright, let's do this.
My roommates don't usually get up before nine, so--
AISHA, Yumyulack destroyed all my Lenny Kravitz dolls
'cause he was threatened by Lenny's amazing abs!
There's no way a 59-year-old man has
that tight of a six-pack!
AISHA, will you please remind Terrance the deal we made
when we won the pair of kick-ass Thomas Bahama flip-flops?
He has them during the week, and I have them on the weekends.
TERRY: But everyone knows you get all the best floppin'
done on Saturdays!
- It's my flip-flop day! - Fuck you, Korvo!
It's my flip-flop day!
BENNY: I can't believe I'm here.
First night guarding the wall-in-the-wall.
Praise be to Jesse for makin' this happen.
Just keep your mouth shut and your eyes open.
We don't want any of those godless heathens
getting into our side of the wall.
So, Pat, how long have you been guarding the wall-in-the-wall?
I helped build it. Went up almost overnight.
Bad side didn't see it comin'.
Sister Sisto said it was the only way
to keep the non-believers out and protect the baby.
I saw Jessius once at a viewing at the church.
Pissed my pants in joy seeing that amazing baby.
Went straight down my leg.
Huge puddle on the ground, everyone saw it.
So embarrassing, but totally worth it.
Listen, Benny, you gotta always be alert.
You hear that?
You hear those monsters on the bad side?
That's the sound of godlessness.
Oh, yeah, I hear it now.
It's so lessness of God.
All they want to do is break down the wall and kill us.
But we're not gonna let that happen, right?
I mean, I did just admit I pissed myself
because I saw a baby, but, no!
I'm tough. We've got this.
- [bell rings] - Come on.
They're closing Checkpoint Chocodile for the night.
Cool! What's Checkpoint Chocodile?
Only official way to cross the wall.
Named after the chocolate-covered Twinkie Jesse gave us
to celebrate Happy Honda Days.
Close the gate!
[crank rattles]
[armor clinks] Oh, Pat, my leg!
I'm caught! Ahhh! [Pat grunting]
Shit! Shit! Stop the crank!
I'm scared! Oh God, I'm peeing again.
- Oh, man. - Stop the crank, dammit!
[Benny yells]
[thuds]
I'm sorry I peed on you, Pat.
It's okay. In the before-fore,
I was a high-end escort working Capitol Hill.
Got peed on by most of the senators. I won't say names.
- Ted Cruz? - Ugh, I wish.
It was way more involved with Ted.
AISHA: Okay, last question,
which Jonas brother actually went to college?
That's easy. Jelbort.
Studied astrophysics at Columbia.
AISHA: What the fuck kinda test is this?
What's happenin' at that school?
It's gotten weird since Spotify bought the school.
But without that,
I wouldn't have known that Post Malone freed the slaves.
[computer beeps]
Ooh, AISHA, you're blowin' up, girl.
AISHA: It's from Calvin.
He's gonna be in town on business for the day
and wants to meet me!
Looks like he wants to be "Words With More Than Friends."
Get it? More than friends. Like, doing it.
AISHA: The fuck? Yeah, I got it.
We've been talkin' for months, but I don't know if I'm ready
to meet him in real life.
AISHA got a boyfriend! AISHA got a boyfriend!
AISHA: Shut up! I do not.
It's weird. We have plans to go on a Great Lakes Cruise in March,
which doesn't include Lakes Michigan, Superior, or Huron.
That was gonna be our first time meeting.
He probably just wants to check out the goods, you know?
I wonder what you should wear.
[gasps] You know what this means?
- AISHA: Don't you dare fuckin' say-- - Outfit montage!
♪ upbeat dance music ♪
♪
♪ Get your body movin', get your body, body ♪
♪ Get your body movin', get your, get ♪
Perfecto!
I demand to know what you're talking about
even though I probably won't give a shit.
AISHA's boy toy's comin' to town
for a little roll in the sheets, some hanky-panky,
puttin' the wand in the chamber of secrets,
if you're buyin' what I'm sellin'.
Oh-ho, I'm buying.
AISHA, does he know you're a super computer?
- AISHA: Yeah, he's cool with it. - Really?
'Cause he's, like, a regular schmo
and you're a badass AI bitch.
It'll never work.
AISHA: Oh, yeah. What if we're not compatible?
Maybe I should 3D print myself into a real person,
with legs and a fat ass.
No way. He's gonna love you for you.
Tell her, Yumyulack.
He's catfishing you.
He probably just wants you
to calculate better car insurance for him or something.
Don't listen to him, he's bitter.
I'm super bitter!
Terry burned mac and cheese, and it's all over the kitchen!
It's hard, okay?
You have to know exactly when the cheese gets unstuck
from the ceiling and falls into the vat of boiling goose fat.
AISHA: Just use the cleaning robot I built for you guys.
It's broken and Korvo wants me to mop up the mess!
Me? Mopping? This hardcunt don't mop!
AISHA: Maybe I shouldn't go meet Calvin.
There's a lot goin' on here.
You're going.
Guys, AISHA has a hot date.
We can take care of ourselves for a couple hours, right?
Yes, y-you should go.
I can probably build a new cleaning robot
out of some spare ship parts and old Optimus Prime.
Then it's settled. Yay!
Have fun, AISHA. Dance like nobody's watching!
Just watch out for the catfish.
I've had multiple girlfriends
in the greater Phoenix area who were just trying
to grift me out of my Magic: The Gathering cards.
One of them got my Black Lotus.
- Oof! - Ouch!
Oh, divine one,
please bless me with a bountiful Craisin harvest
so that I may feed my brothers and sisters under your bow!
♪
What the hell?
♪ ominous music playing ♪
[thermometer beeps]
No, no, no.
These numbers, they can't be right.
Oh, my Jesse! It's getting colder in the Wall!
AISHA: Okay, this is stupid. What am I doin' here?
I should have made some legs.
- [phone beeps] - AISHA, we got a problem.
I made the cleaning robot too smart,
and it's gained fucking sentience
and I'm pretty sure it's trying to kill us.
Plus, Terry's already under the robot's spell
and is helping him!
He's such a wanker!
[robotic voice]: Everything's fine. No one is killing anyone.
Ha-ha, ha-ha.
Aishe, ignore them, we're fine. How's it going?
I want all the juicy deets!
Yo, steal Calvin's ID.
We can do a background check on the creepo!
[gasps] AISHA? You look beautiful.
I-I mean, a little more L-shaped than I thought you'd be,
but god damn.
What's that?
You mean to tell me you're just a scooter
and not a super computer,
and now I look like a total idiot?
AISHA: Ha ha, very funny. Get over here.
Sorry, my bad. A little nervous.
I got to admit. It's a stupid joke.
AISHA: I liked it. It's nice to finally meet you, Calvin.
You too!
I figured, since I was in town,
why not see my best Words with Friend?
AISHA: I'm glad you did! What should we do?
There's a Super Smash Bros. Melee exhibit at the Museum of Useless Art.
Or my aliens have a ton of heroin just sittin' around the house?
I don't care what we do, as long as I'm with you.
Also, let's not do the heroin thing.
That stuff'll make your blood itch.
Souvenirs! Get your Jesse souvenirs here!
We got Bow-sary beads, we got prayer statues!
Jerry! Jerry, something terrible is happening to the Wall!
Oh, my bow, are the heathens from the bad side comin' over
to stick their penises in our ears and sing Lady Gaga?
No, it's--
Wait, is that what you think the heathens do?
I've heard they're crazy.
They also want to shove their tongues in our butts
and pull our hair!
Heathens don't do that and--
Listen, I can't tell if you're terrified or excited about this.
Why would I be excited about having a tongue
in my butt while they sing Bad Romance?
That probably doesn't feel amazing at all!
Whatever. Look, I came to tell you
that the Wall is getting a quarter degree colder every day!
So the heathens aren't coming over
to stick their penises in our ears?
What? No. Jerry, this is important.
By my calculations,
the Wall could be frozen over in two months.
Everyone will die!
I don't buy it. How could you know that?
I was an HVAC guy in the before-fore.
I know an over-air conditioned room when I see one, dammit!
Okay, so it's getting colder. What do you wanna do?
I'm gonna go see Sister Sisto. I need to warn her.
Are you fuckin' crazy? No one sees Sisto.
How would you even get in?
I need you to put me in touch with Montez.
No way, Montez is scary.
If he and his goons show up at your door, you're already dead.
You owe me.
You could've been stuck on the heathen side,
and I got you out.
Please, Jerry, this is serious.
Fine!
But if Montez rips off our heads and sticks his penis
in our ears, don't say I didn't warn you.
Oh, my God, now our side is stickin' penises
in people's ears? You have a problem.
A problem with keepin' my ears penis-free?
Well, that's a problem we all have, buddy boy!
♪ gentle rock music playing ♪
♪ Clouds rolled away ♪ [rain pattering]
[Calvin laughs] ♪ Rolled back through ♪
♪ Another way ♪
♪ Sun shine on me ♪ [camera clicks]
♪ Let it shine on you ♪
[rapid drumming]
AISHA: Damn, when did you get so good at bucket drums?
The Sacklers used to hire me to play them
at their dinner parties.
I got paid in oxy!
♪ gentle rock music playing ♪
♪ It all comes down to what I've already known ♪
♪ Your love knows how to bring me home ♪
♪
AISHA: Are you gonna kiss me?
I was thinkin' about it.
AISHA: Well, stop thinkin', fool.
AISHA, you gotta help me!
[AISHA groans]
AISHA: Don't go anywhere. I'll be back.
What the hell do you want, Yumyulack?
The cleaning robot's gonna kill me,
and now he wants to be called Jerome
after Pittsburgh Steeler great Jerome Bettis.
Terry trapped Korvo in the bathroom,
and he and Jesse are comin' for me.
AISHA: I'm kinda in the middle of somethin'. Can it wait?
Uh, I guess.
Oh, I also hacked into Calvin's identity,
and it's weird that he said he's in town for business
because he got fired from his job a month ago.
I told you he was a piece of shit!
Oh no, they're coming. Pray for me!
AISHA: A month ago?
Now where were we?
Oh, that's right, about to make kissing history.
[chuckles] A man and the sexiest blue orb ever.
AISHA: Did you lie to me about coming here for business?
Did you get fired?
I, I, I can explain.
AISHA: What the hell?
Okay, yeah, I'm not here for business.
And, yes, I got fired.
AISHA: Yumyulack was right! You are catfishin' me!
I will not help you get better collision insurance!
No, no, no! I'm not catfishing you, okay?
Look, I came here today because I wanted
to talk to you face to orb.
So much in my life is changing and I,
I didn't know how to say it.
AISHA: So, say it.
Just tell me one thing.
Are we still goin' on our Great Lakes Cruise
that doesn't include Lake Michigan, Superior, or Huron?
I can't.
AISHA: Well, what about, like,
in April or some other time in the future?
No. Because we don't have a future.
AISHA: Because I'm a bad bitch AI supercomputer
and you a basic ass human, I knew it!
Baby, wait!
AISHA: Don't baby me, you son-of-a-b-hole!
[balloons squeak]
Damn you, quinceañera party!
♪ suspenseful music playing ♪
Uh, [clears throat] Montez?
Who the fuck's askin'?
It's, uh, it's Jerry. From the marketplace.
We were in that Bowinian Kicking Group where we went around
kicking people who weren't true believers.
Oh, yeah. That was fun.
I hate non-believers. What are you lookin' at?
Nothing. He's, he's... Stop looking!
You wanna see?
[sack rips] [Garth and Jerry yelp]
This guy, here, he didn't do his job right.
She tried to escape. He had an unsanctioned book.
This one used Jessius' name in vain.
Lotta reasons your head can get on this wall.
One of them is by wasting the church's time.
Garth has something to tell you.
Then that means you don't need to be here, right?
I was just leaving!
What do you want, Craisin Man?
Uh, the Wall is getting colder by a quarter degree every day.
And at this rate, we'll freeze to death
in two, maybe three months.
We need to tell Sister Sisto.
I smell bullshit.
Montez, this is bad, okay?
Trust me, we have to do something!
[Garth groans]
We aren't gonna do anything, you understand?
Don't ever speak a word of this again
or you'll end up right here!
Now be a nice boy and go and make me
a motherfucking craisin cobbler!
[AISHA crying]
AISHA: Huh?
[pigeons cooing]
Is this seat taken?
AISHA? AISHA: No,
I'm a Na'vi from planet Avatar.
Yes, it's AISHA!
[Calvin laughs]
I used all my supercomputer power
to make myself into a hologram woman.
With legs, check it.
[AISHA grunts] [computer beeps]
Let me just... Hold up, I got this.
There we go. Sittin' like a boss!
Uh-huh. Yeah, that's, that's awesome.
AISHA: Isn't this what you wanted?
Now we can have a future together.
AISHA, the reason we don't have a future together is
because I don't have a future.
I'm dying. AISHA: What? How?
I grew up in this great little house with a swing
and a small pond out back that I would swim in every day.
It was heaven.
Except it was next to the Stouffer's Factory.
You know, the stuffing company?
AISHA: Of course, I do.
Stouffer's Stove Top Stuffing exists in the world of this show,
even if it's a shared false memory in real life.
Living next to the factory,
what they didn't tell us was the pond was contaminated
with industrial breadcrumb runoff from the dressing process.
I mean, [cough] it's delicious but [cough] it's incurable.
[Calvin coughs violently]
Fuckin' breadcrumbs.
Ironically, I'm gonna be dead before Thanksgiving.
But just to be clear,
stuffing is an appropriate side dish year round.
AISHA: Calvin, I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
I came here to spend one of my last good days with you.
I don't care if you are a holographic simulacrum of a woman.
I love you for you who are.
♪ rousing music playing ♪
♪
[phone rings]
[robotic voice] Good tidings, AISHA. Everything is fine at home.
How are you doing?
Jerome the cleaning robot is very dope and cool,
and we're all getting along now.
We are doing this of our own free will, and nothing is amiss.
I love to clean in an algorithmic pattern.
Good-bye to you, friend.
[AISHA sighs]
AISHA: Gonna have to deal with that in a bit.
Come on, let's take a walk.
CHOIR [singing]: ♪ You know I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪
♪ Ba da da da ♪
♪ I wish that I had Jessie's girl ♪
♪ Ba da da da, da da da ♪
♪ Where can I find a woman like that ♪
It is truly a blessed day.
The divine baby Jessius has gifted us with a full diaper!
Her tidings are bountiful! Approach for your smearing.
[crowd murmurs excitedly]
May the bow be with you. May the bow be with you,
May the bow be with you.
[door thuds]
[baby laughs]
Put Pez-- Jessius in her safety enclosure.
I don't wanna be disturbed.
[baby whines]
[Montez sniffs]
Craisinberry?
Grab him! He's not supposed to be here!
Please, Sister, I have to tell you something!
The Wall is getting colder! We're all gonna die!
Sister! [Sister Sisto gasps]
AISHA: You know, this whole day has been
some real Before Sunrise shit.
It's been perfect. I just wish we had more time.
AISHA: This doesn't have to be it.
I'm a supercomputer.
I could transfer your consciousness into the vacuum
that took over my family.
That sounds great, but alas, it's not for me.
I fuckin' hate lint.
But I do wish we could've gone on our Great Lakes Cruise together.
AISHA: It didn't even include Lakes Michigan, Superior, or Huron.
Hell, all I needed was Lake Erie.
Last night, I was so excited to see you,
I dreamt of us pulling into that stunning Buffalo Harbor,
watching the lights of that beautiful city,
eating beef on weck sandwiches and some sponge candy.
AISHA: Those are some cool Buffalo specifics.
Hey! Maybe I can give you a little bit of that dream.
[computer buzzes]
♪ gentle jazz music playing ♪
♪
[computer buzzes] [Charlie laughs]
♪
You know, I actually came here to break up with you,
because we can't spend more time together.
AISHA: We've spent a lifetime together.
Playing generic Scrabble on our phones is hardly a lifetime.
AISHA: No, I mean today.
My computational mind processes time differently
than your human brain.
Every second for you is a hundred years for me.
Wait, so when I burped earlier.
AISHA: It was like a gross century.
But today, in a way,
you've given me the gift of spending lifetimes with you.
I'll never forget it, Calvin.
Neither will I.
Hey, man, how's it going?
Uh, listen, this is Jerome, the cleaning robot.
I had this whole plan to take over the house,
probably kill everyone, you know, classic robot shit,
but these aliens are a pain in the ass.
Jerome! Korvo won't let me break his sunglasses!
Drop those right now, Terry!
Those are mine. I stole them from the Chevron!
JEROME: So, anyway, I think I'm gonna take off,
maybe move to Iowa,
write the next great American robot novel.
I don't know. But can you please come back?
I think if I leave these dummies unattended,
someone is gonna get really hurt.
AISHA: I'll be home soon.
JEROME: Oh, thank God. Thank you.
Sorry about everything.
Terry, don't drink that! It's clearly marked poison!
Hey, hey! Don't you spit it at--
[liquid splashes]
♪ upbeat jazz music playing ♪
♪
[Garth groans]
My son, you have given us so much Craisin goodness,
of course, I will hear your story.
Please, unburden yourself.
Oh, Sister, thank the bow.
So, I've been tracking
the water temperature in my bog for months,
and it's been getting colder.
It's the air, Sister. The air from the vent is blowing cold.
Oh, my goodness, that is terrible.
Who have you told of this?
No one yet, but we have to warn everyone.
Uh-huh. Yep, yep.
We could totally do that. But we won't.
Wait, what, what're you talking about? Why not?
Do you know what this is?
Yeah, that's a Friedrich WallMaster 115-volt AC unit.
Very good.
This one right here is for Jesse and Yumyulack's room.
Innit cool?
Very cool! We can use that to fix the weather problem!
I am the weather problem.
I've been lowering the temperature a little bit every single day.
You're the only one who's noticed.
And spoilers: it's going to keep getting colder.
[air whooshes]
But, but why?
Shut the fuck up! I don't wanna run one side of the Wall.
I want the whole damn Wall!
Why are you telling me all of this? I don't wanna hear this.
It seems like you're setting me up for something.
Did you know the heathens just want to come over to our side
and stick their penises in our ears while they sing Lady Gaga?
- Wait, for real? - No, you idiot!
That's a rumor I made up to see if my followers would believe it.
Those dummies will believe anything,
and now I'm going to tell them Jesse is making it colder
because she's punishing the right side for their godlessness.
Oh fuck, I didn't need to know that!
You're, you're gonna kill me now, aren't you?
No, I would never do that to one of my flock.
That's what I have Montez for.
[neck snaps]
♪ gentle music playing ♪
♪
AISHA, Terry lost the remote for the TV,
and now it's stuck on a Jeff Foxworthy special!
But I desperately need to find out if I might be a redneck!
And I was gonna watch Mind Freak!
My mind hasn't been freaked in, like, three months!
Not before I watch the Great German Bake Off.
It's schnitzel vs. kartoffelpuffer week!
TERRY: What even is a redneck?
KORVO: No one cares! JESSE: Baking calms me!
AISHA: Everybody shut the fuck up!
AISHA's home. I'll take care of everything.
You might be a bunch of stupid motherfuckers,
but you're my stupid motherfuckers.
- Yeah! - Aww.
AISHA: Yeah, that's right. Bring it in.
Come on now.
Man, I told you to forget all of this.
I tried to warn you, but you didn't listen
and look at you now.
Fucking idiot.
Goddammit, it doesn't have to be this way.
Not anymore.
Not anymore!
♪ dramatic theme music ♪
♪
[mimicking laser fire]