[wolf howling] [bats chirping]
BLOSSOM: Spirits from beyond,
on this Hallowtide Eve,
we ask you to show
your disgusting, deformed faces.
[thunder]
[screaming]
♪
Oh. It was just your face.
‐ You can't really talk to the dead.
‐ I'm calling out to Ivy's dead parakeet.
Are you with us now? [wind blowing]
‐ [gasps] Oh my god, Skeet? Is that you?
‐ [imitating]: Squawk! It is I, Skeet the parakeet!
Ivy forgot to feed me, and I died!
Help! It's so hot in Hell!
‐ I was 9, you guys,
and I wasn't ready for that level of responsibility!
[rattling] [girls screaming]
[ghostly sounds]
[screaming]
[laughter]
‐ I can't believe you feel for that! Ha!
Ghost boyfriend, idiots!
‐ This is boring. Let's tell scary stories.
‐ Ooh! I have one.
♪
This is the story of Bloody Donna.
[thunder]
There once was a woman locked in a tower.
She was young and beautiful.
But then,
she turned 30.
[thunder] [all scream]
She couldn't bear to look at her wrinkled face and saggy tits,
so she broke her mirror.
In her lonely, horny madness,
she knitted a yarn boyfriend...
to bang...
‐ Wait, Bloody Donna?
This sounds like my Aunt Donna.
‐ But, her homemade sex doll wasn't enough.
She leapt from the tower, vagina first,
and splattered into a zillion pieces!
Legend says if you look in a mirror
and say her name three times,
Bloody Donna appears
with an unquenchable thirst...
for peen.
[evil cackle] ALL: Ah! Bloody Donna!
‐ Oh! Guys, relax.
It's just a mop, bucket, and a large ham
placed precariously on a rocking chair.
Where is this legend coming from?
Aunt Donna died six months ago.
[rattling] Keefer, knock it off!
‐ It's not me, babe.
[rattling]
[thunder]
[crashing] [screaming]
Whoa. Ancient treasure from the deep.
‐ It's Barry, the squire who turned to stone.
Where'd he come from?
♪
‐ Hey, Ivy, I think I hear Skeet.
Ha! Blasted! He's in Hell.
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
MEGHAN: And let's all welcome Barry back from the bottomless pit.
‐ Does anyone know how he got back?
And what are those weird markings?
‐ Just one of those mysteries like how your cooch can stretch
from the size of a pinhole to a basketball hoop during childbirth.
But after five kids, it's more of a bottomless pit situation.
[all groan] [thud]
Tonight, you'll all be working as scare actors in the funhouse
at the King's annual Hallowtide party.
[all groan]
And Patrick, King Merriman is rewarding you
for saving his life and helping restore the kingdom.
‐ Rewarded? Really? ‐ I'm trying to read his writing.
Let's see. "Given the knighthood..."
No! Wait! It says, "Given a night at the Hallowtide ball
with Princess Blossom as her asexual chaperone."
Ha! I was way off! ‐ Aw...
‐ King Merriman knows that you're the squarest squire,
and that you'll keep Blossom safe.
‐ Don't worry, Patrick. Everyone knows that chaperones
vacuum up all the leftover trim.
[Patrick sighs] [laughs] I'm just kidding, man.
Chaperones are gash repellent. ‐ Broth,
you'll be testing the king's candy for razor blades.
‐ You can count on me!
Safety Captain Broth reporting for duty‐‐
[grunts, laughs]
Classic Barry!
BLOSSOM: Oh... my god...
Even I wanna have sex with me. ‐ What are you?
‐ A sexy 'raffe. What are you?
A fuckin'... loser?
‐ I'm your chaperone for the party. ‐ Oh, really?
Does this ass look like it needs a chaperone?
‐ There's no correct answer to that question.
You know, I don't wanna hang out with you all night either.
I'm going through a lot right now. I got eaten by a dragon last week,
and I didn't even get a day off.
‐ Uh, you think that's bad?
I invited my fiancé AJ and my ghost boyfriend Keefer
to the same party. Uh‐oh! [laughs]
‐ To save the kingdom, I had to betray my oath and kill a knight.
‐ It's a spooky, sexy love triangle,
served up Hallowtide‐style
on tonight's adventure with Princess Blossom!
‐ At the party, I'll see other knights
for the first time since I killed a member of their brotherhood!
It's very fucking stressful!
‐ Oh... F‐word!
Listen, parties are great for bonding with frenemies
and wiping the slate clean.
Just go pound brews with those knights until you vomit out all the bad feelings.
‐ Huh. You're right. I'll never have a better chance than this.
Although, the drinking part is a problem.
Hey, but I'm checking on you every hour,
so don't. Go. Crazy.
‐ Trois? That's French for me?
‐ That public school is not doing you any favors.
♪
‐ What are you less‐thans supposed to be?
‐ Bloody Donna! It's the hottest costume this year!
‐ My dead aunt is not your Hallowtide costume!
Have some fucking respect!
[straining] Ah! [grunting]
‐ Merriman, we are going to be late for our own party.
‐ Hallowtide is the best holiday of the year!
My costume has to be perfect.
[excited giggle]
‐ What the hell are you? ‐ I'm king of the gems!
I'm gonna remind everyone how rich I am.
What the hell are you, a penguin?
‐ I'm a sexy maid! ‐ Well, that's stupid.
Penguins are way sexier.
Now, time to show the haunted funhouse who's boss.
‐ Merriman, I know you love Hallowtide,
but every year, you attempt the haunted funhouse,
and every year, you get so scared, you shit your pants.
[door shuts] ‐ That was Poor Merriman.
Rich Merriman is a fucking god.
Whoa... whoa... [yelling] [bumping]
♪ organ music ♪
[party chatter]
[drumsticks clicking]
♪ hard rock music ♪
[crowd cheering]
[crowd cheering, laughing]
‐ Have a good time, bro!
[lisping] I'm pretty sure I found all the razor blades in the candy,
and one single hypodermic needle.
‐ None for me. I'm on a mission to bond with the knights.
‐ [normal] You wanna dry‐bond... with men?
Why do you always set it to the hardest difficulty level?
‐ Because the last thing I need tonight
is to throw a wedding cake into a ceiling fan!
Okay? ‐ Sounds like there's a story there.
‐ All you need to know is that I have an alter ego named Party Patrick,
and that my cousin Stephanie doesn't talk to me anymore.
[knights laughing, cheering]
‐ Well, good luck playing beer pong with ice water and a lemon wedge.
Knights respond to alpha behavior.
If booze is out, you need women swarming you like sexy flies
on sexy‐ass shit.
‐ I'm not really swarm material. ‐ There.
Go chat up that sheep who strayed from the flock.
‐ [sighs] Okay.
♪ party music ♪
Wool ewe dance with me? Hm?
Get it? Wool? Ewe, E‐W‐E?
They're sheep puns. Because you're a sheep.
‐ I'm obviously a sexy cloud.
[poof, whirring] Lah‐dee‐dah‐dah‐dee‐dah...
‐ That's a really good costume.
[laughter]
‐ That was terrible!
‐ Aw...
[evil laughter] [screaming]
♪
‐ This is the year for scary.
‐ Your Majesty, last year, you blacked out 10 steps inside
and had night terrors for a month.
‐ They weren't night terrors. There was an inside‐out man
in the corner of my room, and I couldn't move!
‐ Let's start at "Babies," and if it goes well,
we can move to "Scary."
‐ I'm the king of the gems!
God made me the bravest, and I'm going in!
‐ I knew he'd do that. That's why we switched the signs, right, Kylie?
‐ [high‐pitched voice] I crushed a bunch of edibles earlier,
and I don't know if you're real.
‐ You didn't switch them, did you?
[whistling]
‐ Take off those costumes! ‐ Why?
'Cause you're scared of Bloody Donna?
‐ I am not! She's not even real! ‐ Then prove it.
Look in the mirror and say "Bloody Donna"
three times.
‐ You look in the mirror and say
"I don't smell like cabbage, and people really like me"
three times!
‐ That's what I thought. Too chicken.
‐ [angry growl] I'm not a fucking chicken!
♪
[nervous sigh]
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
[cackling] [screaming]
Ha! I knew nothing would happen.
I'm gonna go fire those twats. Ow! God... [clang]
[gasps] What the shit?
Am I in a mirror?
♪
Wait, if I'm in here... Oh...
[gasps] [thunder]
‐ Ha‐ha! I'm free!
Time to get my bean flicked!
[cackling] ‐ Get back here,
you dead bitch!
[panting]
♪
Hell yeah! I can see everything from behind these mirrors.
[door opens, shuts]
‐ I haven't seen Princess Blossom since we left her room.
‐ [gasps] They're worried about me. FERN: I've been so worried...
that she'll show up and...
ruin our night. [Blossom gasps]
Ivy, I'm so glad we're finally getting some...
alone time. ‐ Me, too.
Happy two‐year anniversary. [kiss]
[passionate kissing, moaning]
[slurping]
‐ I can't believe
they've been secret lesbians without me!
[kissing, moaning continues] Oh, ho‐ho, ho!
The mirror makes me an all‐seeing god!
Who else should I spy on?
[laughing]
‐ Why did I ever think I could be a knight?
I can't even hang with them at a party.
‐ You should bring out that Party Patrick guy you were talking about.
A cake in a ceiling fan might make an impression.
‐ Party Patrick is off limits!
♪
‐ Blossom! [Patrick shivers]
Jesus. Your mind is a cesspool of anxiety.
‐ You read my thoughts. ‐ Part of being a ghost,
just like rattling chains and smelling menses.
But Patrick, from what I saw, you need to live a little, man,
and this is coming from a dead guy.
‐ Ah! I was just telling the other knights about you.
‐ Really? ‐ Yes! Make that face you made
when those monkeys jizzed all over you!
‐ Aw... ‐ [laughs] That's the one!
Catch! [Patrick grunting]
[bottle smashes] Oh,
party foul! Here you go! [Patrick grunting]
‐ Ha ha! Got it‐‐ Whoa! [grunts]
[sighs] It's okay. I don't drink anyway.
‐ You're making it very hard to hang out with you.
KEEFER [echoing]: You need to live a little, man,
and this is coming from a dead guy...
♪ party music ♪
‐ Sir Styles, it would be an honor to have a drink with you.
‐ Let's get fucked up!
[clink]
[sighs, gulps]
[burp] Ah! [bottle clattering]
‐ Hey, bud, aren't you supposed to be checking on Blossom?
Patrick? PATRICK: Patrick isn't here anymore.
♪
Ksh‐ah... Call me...
Party Patrick!
♪ spooky music ♪
[muffled screaming]
[nervous whining]
GORBY: Roar! ‐ Ah! [whimpering]
No jump scares!
‐ It's my job, Your Majesty!
‐ Well, you're fucking fired.
[sad sigh]
♪ party music ♪
‐ Ah! Woo‐hoo! Party Patrick!
Hey! If we hookup, does that make it a threesome?
‐ What are you doing?! ‐ Stop Broth‐blocking me!
[whispers] This one puts out. ‐ Hey! It's me, Prince AJ!
My dad's the Mattress King, so they call me out the Pullout Prince.
It makes no sense outside the context of retail bedding.
Have you seen my fiancé, Princess Blossom?
‐ You got any blow? ‐ Jesus, Patrick.
‐ Woo‐hoo!
♪ spooky music ♪
‐ Nope!
KEEFER: How could she be engaged to you when she's still with me?
‐ You're not even alive! ‐ She was my beating heart!
‐ She was the queen to my king mattress!
BOTH: I'm single now!
‐ [scoffs] I gotta get outta here!
♪ party music ♪
‐ [snort] Oh yeah...
‐ Patrick! Look what you did?
You were supposed to be watching me, and now I'm trapped in a mirror!
Wait, what are you doing?
‐ Bumping rails of coke with this baby factory.
Quiet, you mouthy mirror.
Hey, my coke! And where's preggo en fuego?
‐ She left hours ago, and that's not cocaine.
It's the inside of a snow globe you broke after you tried to juggle.
You need to go to bed.
‐ You need to go to bed! In Hell!
[struggling] ‐ Get back here,
and get me out! Hello? [door opens]
I will fire everyone! [door shuts]
Human Shield! Help me! I said Bloody Donna three times,
and now I'm trapped in the mirror!
‐ Holy shit! It's real?
‐ Yeah, it's fucking real! How am I supposed to get outta here?
‐ It's almost midnight... ‐ What does that matter?
♪
ALL: Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna,
say it thrice, and you're a gonna.
Reverse the spell by stroke of 12,
or rot away in Mirror Hell.
‐ By midnight? Or I'm stuck in here?
Oh my god, you gotta get me out! Get me out!
Please! ‐ She can't do anything to us
if we don't help her. ‐ As her food taster,
I do like the idea of eating for pleasure again.
[whispering]
‐ We've come to a decision... We're leaving.
‐ Get back here, you deceitful lesbians! [door opens, shuts]
And one cis‐het ally!
♪ party music ♪
‐ If you fight the way you chug,
maybe you're knight material after all!
‐ You're not mad that I killed a member of the brotherhood?
‐ Oh, come on! That guy was a dork. He was always like,
"Don't burn that village!" And, "Don't steal that widow's stuff!
Her husband's still dead in the corner, and the kids are all here."
‐ Uh... ‐ Hey! That G‐MILF over there
has had her eyes on you all night.
♪
[cracking] [ding]
‐ Mm...
Hm...
[passionate kissing, moaning]
DONNA: Oh, oh, oh yeah...
‐ I can't believe I'm gonna lose my virginity to a woman
dressed like my ex‐girlfriend's dead mom.
‐ I keep telling you. I'm actually Aunt Donna.
‐ Oh, it's so hot when you stay in character. Say it again.
‐ I'm the real Aunt Donna!
Fuck me like I'm still alive!
[passionate kissing, moaning]
‐ Oh... God, we're doing it! [Donna moaning]
I'm having sex for the first time!
It's, uh, so, eh, dusty?
[cackling, gags]
[Patrick screaming]
♪
[gagging, spitting] [running water]
‐ Aunt Donna. Oh my god.
I lost my virginity to Danielle's dead mom! [gags]
DONNA: Hey! Getting yourself hard again, honey?
‐ Uh... Yep! DONNA: You're my boyfriend now!
Hurry back, and I'll let you put it in my butt!
‐ Huh?
‐ I can't believe I let Party Patrick out of his cage
just to prove to the knights that I'm cool!
Oh my god. I forgot about Blossom!
♪
Ah! Mutant camel!
Huh? Blossom? Why are you in the mirror?
‐ Good question, Patrick. Why am I in the mirror?
Oh, that's right.
Because you weren't doing your fucking job!
Aunt Donna trapped me in here, and if we don't switch back by midnight,
I'm trapped here forever!
♪
‐ That's in 10 minutes!
‐ I know! Now, listen!
Your visor is stupid. What are you, a dad on vacation?
Get me outta here!
‐ Ah! Get me outta here! Ah!
No scares. Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it.
‐ Two lunches? Why, this must be my lucky day.
I won't scare you‐‐ Ah! ‐ Ah!
That's why I don't trust actors.
They're paid to lie. [panting]
‐ I gotta get you out of there, so you're not stuck in Mirror Hell,
and so Aunt Donna stops trying to have sex with me.
‐ Patrick, this isn't about you.
Wait, what? [glass shattering]
♪
[panting]
[Donna cackling] [Blossom screaming]
[smashing] [panting]
Oh, I'm fucked.
Patrick!
We need to get here in front of a mirror
that's not broken. ‐ Right!
[bar chatter]
♪ party music ♪
How are we gonna find the real one?
[wild laughter]
[frantic yelling]
Well, she made that very easy.
‐ You, my friend, are knight material as hell!
Rumor has it that you banged that great grand‐cougar
in the Bloody Donna costume
right on the king's bed! ‐ Wait,
which Bloody Donna?
‐ Uh... ‐ Oh my god.
Did you bone my dead Aunt Donna?
On my parents' bed?! ‐ I'm sorry.
I'm disgusting. Party Patrick is a bad, bad person.
‐ Huh?
‐ Damn it! What are we gonna do?
‐ Sasha! I couldn't find you in the funhouse!
‐ Mackenzie! I was in the hall of mirrors,
and it was so scary!
‐ [gasps] Blossom, we could go to the hall of‐‐ [grunts]
♪
Ah! No!
[clock chimes]
I'm running out of time!
[gasps] Aunt Donna!
[sing‐song]: I'm ready to make love!
[bar laughing]
‐ [grunts] These fields are ready for plowing!
‐ I had somewhere more fun in mind...
[seductive laugh]
[wolves howling]
‐ Oh! A haunted funhouse!
You're kinky!
Wanna do it in a coffin?
I'm already dead. [laughs]
[nervous laugh]
‐ Our relationship is really Blossom‐ing
in this funhouse.
Wanna play a sex game?
‐ Ooh! Now, my sense of smell will be heightened.
A real bonus in the pre‐deodorant era.
♪
PATRICK [projecting]: Our love affair is headed in
new directions down this hall... [Blossom gasps]
‐ Think of the weird squishes my powerful ears
will pick up now. [scared whimper]
‐ How did I get back here? [laughs]
‐ There you are, Your Highness. [giggles]
You should call me your high‐ness.
[laughs] Wanna know why?
‐ I don't care. Just get me outta here. ‐ [slurred]: It's 'cause I'm high!
Anyway, exiting the attraction, turn left‐‐
[screams] [rocks crumbling]
‐ S‐stoner girl?
Are you trying to scare me, or should I actually be worried?
Hello? Oh, goddammit!
♪
‐ Hey, when can I take this off?
Oh, I love seeing that clueless face you make
when you're looking for the hole.
♪ funhouse music ♪ ‐ W‐wait! They're playing our song.
‐ Oh, it's so romantic!
[grunting, moaning, kissing]
‐ [gagging] We're doing it
in the hall of mirrors!
‐ The hall of what?! BLOSSOM: Patrick!
♪ dramatic sting ♪
[Donna gasps]
‐ I've been bamboozled!
Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
♪ funhouse music continues ♪
Why didn't it work? [cackling]
[clock chiming] Oh my god, it's midnight! Hurry!
‐ [grunts] Open! Your! Eyes!
DONNA: Ah!
‐ I'm almost out of here, and I haven't even shit my pants!
[squish]
Ew... ‐ Hey, bro!
‐ [screaming] I'm shitting my pants!
[grunting, screaming] [chiming continues]
‐ [grunts] Blossom! Now!
‐ Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna, Bloody Donna!
[Blossom and Donna screaming] [rumbling]
[poof]
[gasps, sighs]
[sighs]
‐ Well, fuck.
Wanna mutual masturbate?
‐ Ew! Gross! [Patrick grunts]
[Donna screaming]
[crowd chatter]
♪
‐ I have some real self‐reflecting to do.
‐ Uh, yeah, like self‐reflecting on how
you plowed my dead aunt's corpse!
[laughter]
‐ Hey, babe, I was thinking of breaking up with you earlier
because of the whole you're‐secretly‐engaged thing,
but it doesn't matter. I love you.
♪ romantic music ♪
‐ I wanna break up. ‐ Oh.
[rumbling] ‐ Whoa! Whoa!
[all screaming]
[panting]
‐ What was that? ‐ I don't know, man.
The world's a mystery, and no one knows
what's actually going on underground.
‐ Wait! Barry! He's seen it all!
Keefer, can you take a peak and see
if Barry can still talk to us? ‐ I'll give it a shot.
[whoosh] [Barry's voice]: Guys!
Can you really hear me?
It's Barry! I'm still in here!
[all gasping] Listen to me very carefully!
There are monsters underground!
You have to get out of here! Run!
[normal]: I'm getting out of here.
Smell you later.
‐ No, wait! What's underground?
‐ You clowns needs to clear the court.
Some of us are playing strip croquet. No fuggos.
[rumbling]
What's going on?! Ah!
[screaming]
[screaming fades]
‐ Hey, Patrick.
Does this dry dusty hole turn you on now?
[laughter]
‐ And that was the best Hallowtide of their lives.
‐ Who are you talking to, Broth?
‐ Uh, I'm narrating.
He said to the idiot.
♪ dramatic music ♪
♪
[8‐bit sounds]
CHILD: That was amazing.
[paper crinkling, monkey ooking, slap]