♪
MERRIMAN: You show up, you make shoes,
you go home.
Why would a cobbler shop
need a human resources department?
[laughs] You'd be surprised.
[couple whispering] Now, Artie,
it was your idea to use phoenix leather
for the new line of RKG‐55s.
Can you tell us why?
‐ Because phoenix leather is sturdy, long‐lasting, low‐cost,
and a phoenix killed my father.
‐ Right. And the downside of using phoenix leather?
‐ It bursts into flames?
[drum rattling] ‐ That's right, best friend Tim!
Let's do some role‐playing. Tim, Fran,
get up here and act like salespeople for once.
[laughs]
And, uh, try not to make out on the way.
‐ I volunteer to play the customer! ‐ Whatever, Dwayne.
Tim, Fran,
you've got a customer whose foot is missing
because your product blew it off.
Now, how are you going to keep this customer loyal?
‐ Give me a free shoe.
Ah! [glass shatters]
‐ And that's where HR comes in.
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
[sighs]
‐ Do I really have to wear this?
‐ I'm just following orders. [slap]
‐ Ah! From who?
‐ From me!
I told you to bring me Merriman.
Instead, you murdered my best knight!
If you're gonna stab me in the back,
you're gonna look like a hot little slut doing it.
‐ Great. We agree that I should die.
So, rather than make me go through this song‐and‐dance,
just cut out the middleman and kill me now.
‐ [moans] Tell me more about how you should die,
you bad boy. ‐ What is wrong with you?
‐ I'm not sure.
Oh, you're just such a delicious piece of ass in that outfit.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go think about you fighting for your life
while I rub up against a corduroy couch.
[door slams]
‐ Ow! [grunting] Ah!
[door slam]
[all growling]
‐ The name's Angry Carl.
Nice G‐string.
You here to fight, or are you our entertainment?
‐ I'm just here to die.
‐ Oh god. Well, that took a turn.
Nice bantering with you.
‐ Name' s Nunchuck Johnny. My Christian name is Nuncharles Jonathan.
What are you in for?
‐ I'm Patrick. I killed Sir Midnight Darkness X.
[all gasp] ‐ You killed Sir MDX?
But, he's supposed to be unkillable.
You must've used a flaming sword forged in the fires of a volcano.
‐ It was a potato peeler.
‐ You're Patrick the Peeler? Wow!
It's an honor to meet you. You might've heard of me, too.
I'm a slaughtering machine with no peen.
I like to kill, and I'm a little shrill.
The name's Clambo.
‐ [sighs] This spiel always makes me so uncomfortable.
‐ Hey, guys! This kid Patrick's a stone‐cold knight killer.
All hail Patrick the Peeler!
‐ Uh, no, no, no. Listen, I'd rather not glorify the darkest moment of my life.
ALL: Patrick the Peeler!
Patrick the Peeler! Patrick the Peeler!
[Patrick groans]
♪
‐ Girls! Cousin Blossom! I come bearing gifts.
[excited giggling] Brand new hats for today's event.
‐ Oh no, Human Shield!
Your ugly hat blew away!
Be more careful. ‐ You may join us at the arena
after you retrieve Human Being's hat.
♪
[growls]
WOMAN: Mr. Maxwell, your 1:00 is here for his interview.
‐ Hello, sir! Here's my resume!
‐ Hm, I don't see any cobbling experience here, but hey.
Yours truly didn't have any HR experience
when he started.
So, tell me about yourself, Mister...
‐ Flier Guy. I lost my job
because the Old King banned printed words.
‐ Sounds like him. What else is going on in the old kingdom?
How are the queen and princess?
Tulip and, uh, Flossom, was it?
Not that I care. ‐ Oh, get this!
Tulip exiled to mid‐range island resort,
Blossom demoted to lady‐in‐waiting
for Princess Danielle!
‐ Sweet Christ. Tulip must hate that.
And Blossom's pet peeve is poetic comeuppance.
At least they're both safe and sound.
Not‐not that I care. ‐ But, front page news
is that a squire named Patrick the Peeler
is set to fight in the gladiator pit!
He murdered a knight sent to catch
the rogue King Merriman!
‐ [gasps] Patrick! He'll suffer an agonizing death!
Not that I care! ‐ Is this griffin skin?
[screaming] [body thuds]
I need a doctor! [horse whinnies]
[crunch] Ah! A carriage drove over me!
Oh, it's a medical carriage. I'm all good!
♪
‐ Can my friend join us for lunch?
‐ Of course, dear. She looks familiar.
What's her name?
‐ Call her Ishmael. Just kidding. Her name's Tina.
‐ Doreen, it's Queen Tulip in a pirate hat. Jesus.
‐ You know I have hat blindness, Glenn.
‐ Oh, no need to bow or bring out the fine china.
‐ Wasn't gonna. ‐ Coral, where's Mark?
Dude owes me 20 bucks.
[gasps]
‐ Seven serving four. Look out, babe!
Here comes the heat! Ah!
See that shot, Coral the volleyball?
[sloppy kissing]
‐ Meh, who cares?
‐ Yesterday, I juggled eight candelabras, all lit!
They're probably gonna promote me.
[object clatters] ‐ Strange. Something usually
stops the bowl from hitting the ground.
‐ Where's Patrick? ‐ Scuttlebutt at work is that
he's been sentenced to fight in the gladiator pit.
‐ Why didn't you say something!?
‐ It's too late! He's probably walking out to fight right now.
I say we just enjoy our dinner and then play
a rousing game of‐‐
[door slams]
Solitaire.
♪
[crowd cheering] [swords clanging]
[grunting]
OLD KING: You there!
I'm bored! Kill each other in a grisly fashion!
Throw in a slow‐motion death or two.
Add some pizazz before I fall asleep.
[crowd cheering]
[Old King snoring] ‐ Oh god,
Patrick's next. Oh...
[crowd cheering] [carts squeaking]
[splat]
‐ Oh, dear god. [gagging]
‐ Are you not entertained?
These tickets are not cheap,
so it's important to me that you're entertained!
Sometimes, I just get insecure, you know?
[loud cheering]
‐ Next match is a real doozy.
Six versus one,
but he can certainly hold his own
since he killed the legendary Sir MDX!
[booing]
[indistinct yelling]
‐ Hell yeah! That's my friend you're booing!
[booing continues]
♪
[gate unlocking, opening]
‐ Your last meal is here.
‐ Hint, it's my pussy...
‐ Just leave it on that bench, and I'll pick at it later.
‐ Listen, idiot! You've been noble to a fault since we met,
and now, that nobility is going to get you killed
if you don't fight. ‐ That's the plan.
I killed Sir Midnight Darkness X.
If I killed a fellow knight, I deserve to die, too.
[Danielle sighs]
‐ Oh Christ. Maybe I do need therapy.
[crying]
♪
Oh, fuck it. Go ahead and die.
You'll live on forever in my spank bank.
[sighs]
I actually came here to let you know
that Granddad has something...
awful in store for the finale.
So, better hope you're dead before then.
♪
[crowd cheering] ‐ Ladies and gents,
please welcome the rest of the gladiators!
[growling, snarling] [crowd cheering]
[popping] ‐ Ah!
‐ Woo‐‐
Hoo!
‐ Give it up for Nunchuck Johnny!
[grunting]
Clambo! [shrill yell]
The most murderous psycho in the land,
Patrick the Peeler!
Plus miscellaneous gladiators
you don't need to learn the names of. They will not have merch.
‐ Here, take this. [clatters]
‐ Don't need any extra baggage.
I'm going straight to Hell.
‐ Whatever you say, weirdo.
♪
[crowd cheering]
‐ Peel those fuckers! Peel 'em!
‐ Now taking bets on how long he'll last and the way he's going to die.
‐ Two minutes tops. Skull caved in with a cudgel.
‐ 11 seconds. Suicide by cop.
‐ Um, not cool, you guys. That's our friend Patrick.
‐ Thanks, Commander Highroad. Didn't know you were allergic to money.
10 minutes, eaten alive.
[crowd cheering]
‐ I won't fight back. Just make it quick.
‐ He's faking it! Don't trust him!
‐ Yeah, he lures you in, and then he stabs you in the eye.
‐ Oh, Patrick. I can't bear to look!
‐ Kiss each other!
[cheering]
‐ Patrick! Sign my peeler!
[sighs]
[gladiators gasp]
‐ Uh, go get him, Carl. ‐ You go get him, Jonathan.
‐ Ladies first. [grunt] ‐ Fuck off!
[crowd cheering] [grunt, straining]
[screams]
[struggling]
[scream]
‐ Look! Patrick the Peeler is so powerful,
he killed two people without even touching them!
‐ No, I didn't! ‐ He's a demon!
He's controlling our minds! Don't make eye contact!
Everyone, close your eyes and whistle!
[whistling]
[grunts] [whistling]
[screaming]
Ah!
[gasps]
‐ All my best friends are dead.
[grunts]
[gasps]
‐ Ah! Whose sword do I have to fall on to get a quick death around here?
[cheering]
‐ You've been peeled, motherfuckers!
‐ That was amazing! Encore!
Everyone, take a bow!
[sighs]
♪
[struggling]
MERRIMAN: I'll have your fool head on a pike!
‐ Daddy?
[childish noises]
‐ I'll deny you, you punk‐ass bitch!
BLOSSOM [whispers]: Where the fuck have you been?
Danielle made me get a job and look Human Shield in the eye.
‐ Oh, Petal, that's terrible.
I'll have Human Shield drawn and quartered.
‐ No, don't! She's my best friend.
‐ Alright then.
I need to get inside.
This future dead man says my gate code isn't working.
‐ No, Grandpa changed it. Now, it's "Vanessa got dat azz,"
and ass is spelled with two Z's.
[gate creaks]
[both groan happily]
‐ Patrick dead? ‐ I don't know.
Danielle wouldn't let me go to the executionnn
for no reasonnnn!
‐ We have to save him before it's too late.
To the Merriman‐mobile!
♪ Batman‐esque music ♪
CROWD: Peeler!
[horse whinnies]
‐ Okay, everybody out. I'll find parking.
This is dad business.
CROWD: Peeler! Peeler! Peeler...
‐ And now, for the grand finale!
Our champion, Patrick the Peeler!
[cheering continues]
‐ [laughing]: Wow!
Patrick's actually doing great. Look at that little tushy.
‐ He gets that from his mother.
‐ And our mystery challenger,
from the top of the endangered species list,
a motherfucking dragon!
♪ dramatic music ♪
[stomping]
[rumbling] [snarl]
[stomping]
[growl]
[loud roar]
[crowd screaming]
‐ Oh boy. That is a big fucking bird. Fuck!
♪
‐ Oh yeah. This oughta do the trick.
[roar]
CROWD: Peeler! Peeler! Peeler... [dragon growls]
♪
[crying, sniffs]
‐ I love you, sweetheart! Don't give up!
[chanting continues]
‐ Oh my god, what am I doing?
I can't give up. I have people who love me.
I won't let my mom watch me die in a G‐string.
[grunts]
[dragon snarls]
[Patrick screaming]
[snarls]
♪
[screaming, gasps]
[panting] [stomping]
[growl] [panting]
[screaming]
‐ [inhales] Mm!
I am delighted and disturbed by how good that smells.
‐ Blinkerquartz, give Patrick a fucking teammate!
‐ Mm‐hmm.
OLD KING: Hm... ‐ [nervous laugh]
I have, um, 50 bucks on Patrick.
‐ Ooh! I want some of that action.
$10 trillion on Hat Trick!
[sizzling] [snarl]
‐ Uh... ‐ Don't panic, Patrick!
I'm a certified dragon specialist,
and I'm here to help.
[crash, whirring]
[crowd cheering] ‐ Don't panic, Patrick!
We're here to save you! [roaring]
Oh shit! It's a motherfucking dragon!
[crowd booing]
Wow, Blossom. They really hate you.
CROWD: Merriman sucks! Merriman sucks!
We're ambivalent about Blossom, but Merriman sucks!
‐ Merriman?! And Blossom?!
Why does she have that poor person costume on? In public?
♪
‐ My little crotch fruit returns, eh?
Release the gladiators!
[gladiators yelling]
‐ Say hello to the RKG‐55!
It's an HR nightmare. [grunts]
[grunting]
[explosions]
[crowd cheering] I need to get up to the old man!
[grunting]
Where the hell'd you learn that?
‐ Public school.
Ha! [whistling]
‐ Holy shit! [screaming]
♪
[both growl]
OLD KING: You stole my crown, sonny boy.
Come get your spanking.
‐ With pleasure.
That came out weird.
I mean I'm about to hurt you,
and you won't be spanking me.
‐ Oh, this is gonna be epic.
‐ [grunt] Back off! ‐ [grunt] No! You back off!
‐ [grunt] You back up first!
[grunting] [slapping]
‐ Epic.
♪
[struggling]
[straining, groaning]
‐ Cousin! Come back here!
[snarl]
[whimpers]
[snarling]
‐ Get away from him,
you bitch and/or bastard!
[surprised growl]
‐ Mom! What are you doing?!
♪
Have you all gone insane?! Get out of here!
‐ Patrick! A mother always protects her baby.
[echoing] Her baby... Her baby... Her baby...
[grunts]
[weak shrieking]
[muffled scream]
[thud] ‐ Ah! Whoa!
[panting]
[snarl]
‐ Oh. I knew you looked familiar.
‐ Hey! That's assault!
[wheels rattling]
Have you gone crazy, Patrick? [sniffing]
‐ Blarney, you're the first thing he saw when he hatched!
He thinks you're his mom!
[happy growl]
[snarling]
[all screaming]
‐ Aw. Guess I'm missing something pretty good.
‐ Blarney! ‐ Blarney! And also the other one!
‐ [crying] I'm so sad!
[sobbing, chewing]
‐ [crying] I'm so rich.
‐ [crying] I'm so...
wet?
[screaming getting louder]
[groans]
‐ On the other hand, all dragons look alike to me.
I've killed us both. ‐ Ah! Well, thanks a lot, Patrick!
I was in the prime of my‐‐
Oh, who am I kidding? I've been dying to pull the ripcord.
[glugging]
‐ [gasps] That's the answer!
You beautiful, disappointing lush!
‐ Hey! ‐ Give me one of your handkerchiefs.
[grunting, mumbling]
Has anyone laughed at this ever?
‐ Not even the smallest child.
‐ I'm gonna blow a hole in this dragon, and we're home free.
‐ No, you're not!
Wasting booze is party foul number one, brother!
[both struggling] ‐ This... is...
not... a party! [both yelling]
[groaning, roar]
♪
[snarl, growl]
[screaming] ‐ Holy shit!
[roar]
‐ What the fuck?
[hiccuping]
[screaming]
[growl]
[groan]
[crowd screaming]
[splattering]
BLARNEY/PATRICK: Ah! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!
‐ [gasping] It worked!
We're alive! Oh.
That's the closest I've ever come to giving up on my oath.
I will never tempt fate again.
‐ Not your finest hour.
♪
[weak growl]
‐ Are you okay to fly, my friend?
[weak groan]
Yeah, me neither. Come on. There's a great after‐party at the dump.
[grunting, growl]
‐ [grunting] You're dumb! ‐ [grunting] 'Fraid not.
You are, and Vanessa agrees, right, baby?
♪
Give her back... ‐ Everybody!
Your so‐called king thinks this children's toy is the queen!
Is this the leader you want?
Say goodbye to your girlfriend.
‐ You'll address her as Mother.
[grunts]
[screaming]
♪ dramatic music ♪
‐ No...
[grunts]
‐ Silly me. Guess that wasn't an exploding one.
[grunting, humming]
Oh, Dad. Jesus...
‐ Your king has wet himself!
You know what to do.
♪
Insolent fools! Don't you remember?
I pee, you pee! [grunts]
‐ Twelve years ago,
I made a choice that this man was unfit to lead.
Now, it's your turn to make a choice.
If you disagree with me, you now must pee.
‐ My pants are dry, Your Majesty!
‐ Uh‐huh. I spilled beer on my pants,
so it looks like I peed myself,
but I don't want that crazy old king, Your Majesty!
‐ My pants are dry, Your Majesty.
[overlapping refrain]
‐ I have never been so proud to be your king.
Or even proud at all!
I won't let you down,
until the next time I let you down.
‐ [grunts] Ow! Ow!
‐ Oh god.
[grunting]
♪
Nice ass, Patrick!
[clang]
[whirring]
[laughs]
♪
[growls]
[gasping]
‐ All hail the rightful ruler, King Merriman.
ALL: All hail King Merriman!
‐ Thanks for keeping Crownie safe.
‐ Thanks for coming back to save me.
‐ Ah, I was running errands in the neighborhood anyhow.
‐ I will never let you down again, sire.
OLD KING: Kiss each other!
[sighs]
BLOSSOM: It's over for you hoes! [screaming]
[Blossom cackling]
‐ Danielle's a psycho, but I'll miss her, Broth.
Wherever she is, I hope she's okay.
‐ I hope she's dead.
[crumbling]
♪
‐ Oh, fuck my life.
A lifetime of planning, and I was only on the throne for a week.
[crackle] [brakes squeal]
[hissing]
Oy vey.
♪
[8‐bit sounds]
CHILD: That was amazing.
[paper crinkling, monkey ooking, slap]