♪
‐ Right. This race is to prove what's faster,
a wagon or Barry.
‐ It's also to prove we should never get a day off.
‐ Patrick, do you wanna play it safe all your life,
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
[grunts] Whoa...
‐ You're literally going to die.
‐ First one to the bottom of the hill wins!
[wagon creaks] On your marks...
♪ tense music ♪
Get set...
Go! BROTH: Yah!
[yelling, laughter] ‐ Oh, oh! Whoa!
‐ Ah!
You trying to trade paint with me?!
[tires screeching] [grunting]
‐ Knock it off, you fucking asshole! [grunts]
Oh! Ah! [yelling]
♪ dramatic music ♪
[smash] [screaming]
ALL: No, Barry! Come back!
Turn! Turn! Turn!
[rumble]
[relieved sighs] ‐ He's okay!
[rumbling]
♪ tense music ♪
ALL: No!
[all exclaiming]
[relieved sighs] ‐ Oh my god!
Oh... [chirping]
ALL: No! [creaking]
‐ Oh! ‐ Yes!
[chirping] [gasps]
♪ tense music ♪
[chirping]
ALL: No!
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
♪
[waves lapping]
♪ military music ♪
‐ In all my years of service to this kingdom,
I've never trained a group of squires this irresponsible!
You lost a member of your own squadron on a day off?!
‐ Um, Sgt. Meghan, we technically know where he is.
He's plummeting endlessly through space... Forever.
[seagulls cawing] ‐ Fall back, Broth.
‐ Yep.
‐ Farther. ‐ Got it.
‐ For the record, they lost him.
You know, I voted not to ride our teammate down a hill.
‐ Patrick, keep snitching, I'll get to stitching.
You idiots are making me look terrible!
That's why we're here on Cuddly Monkey Island.
‐ Sarge, e‐excuse me. Question about the island.
‐ Yes, what is it, Griffin?
‐ It's just that when we trained on Naked Lady Island,
we were attacked by reptile women
with snakes for hair and Barry got turned to stone!
So, if Cuddly Monkey Island
is another ironic name,
could we at least get a heads up?
‐ I'm your drill instructor,
not a fucking travel writer! Fall back with Broth.
[disappointed sigh]
[rustling] [gasps]
♪ foreboding music ♪
♪ foreboding music stops ♪
[nervous groaning] Anyway,
I pulled some strings and lined up a special guest speaker.
Please look towards the water, as he has requested,
and welcome the legendary
Sir Styles!
[cheering] [horse neighs]
♪
PATRICK: Oh my god!
Sir Styles! I wanted to be him when I was a kid!
‐ Ooh! Remember when he saved all those differently abled orphans
from that fire started by that differently abled orphan?
‐ Oh! Nothing sadder than
differently abled orphan on differently abled orphan crime.
‐ Well, I was into Sir Styles before he went mainstream.
His early indie knight work, his absurdist phase.
‐ Not me, man. Just gimme those hits.
[cheering]
‐ [muttering] I can't wait until these assholes
turn into battlefield statistics.
[cheering]
♪ tropical music ♪
‐ Why are we doing this?
‐ We're doing it because I threw a beauty pageant
to find a new queen while you were in a coma last week,
and according to the gossip rags, that means our...
[feminine voice] quote, "marriage is on the rocks."
[normal] So, going to this couples' retreat will slap a fresh coat of paint
onto this rusty old wagon we call matrimony.
‐ How romantic.
♪
Where is this counselor, uh,
Tumbleweed Scrub Brush?
‐ Willow Sage? She's the best! ‐ Oh?
She made you stop hating each other? ‐ Oh, we never hated each other.
We're working through, uh,
a sexual incompatibility issue!
‐ [groans] Anjelica, let's save that for group!
‐ Willow says it's nothing to be ashamed of, Urk!
‐ Let me guess. Like trying to thread a needle with a cannon? Hm?
‐ Yes, but the cannon stays floppy like a sock full of pudding.
‐ Jesus orc‐murdering Christ!
‐ Roman, if father won't let us marry,
I'll drink poison and die! ‐ Same, Julie.
If my mother tells us to wait until we're older,
I'll drink poison and die at once.
‐ And if we can't book the church in May on a Saturday,
buy me a ticket to Poisontown. One way.
‐ Kids, you can't solve all of life's problems with poison.
‐ Roman, this man's beard is hideous and it upsets me.
‐ Shall we drink poison?
‐ Jesus Christ. ‐ Nice to see you both again!
‐ Oh, yes! Yes! You!
[laughing] Oh, yes! ‐ Oh yeah! [laughs] Oh, you!
Wouldn't be a party without...
you two.
‐ They have no idea who we are. ‐ [scoffs] Rich people are so fake.
‐ Well, look at you! Glenn! Doreen!
‐ Oh! Hello! [nervous laugh]
‐ I tell you what, it is so nice to see you again.
‐ Oh yeah! Um, you bet... you...
‐ Who the fuck is that? ‐ I don't know.
‐ He's not a friend of yours? ‐ Yes, I remember every single person
I've ever seen in my life. He's not one of them.
‐ These are not our people. Let's get out of here.
Now. ‐ Giddyup.
‐ Hello! I'm Willow Sage!
Don't run off! Have a coconut water.
Share what's in your hearts.
‐ I will be doing precisely none of those things, you absurd woman.
We're getting out of here. ‐ Oh! I'm afraid that's impossible!
The ships won't return until love reigns supreme!
[laughs] Or 5:00 PM. [sips]
‐ In that case, where are those teenagers with the poison?
‐ A knight must instantly identify an enemy's weakness.
I'll demonstrate.
Flaky. ‐ Um...
‐ Coward. ‐ Oh...
‐ Arrogant. ‐ Thank you.
‐ Fuckboi. ‐ Aw...
‐ Lazy eye. ‐ Uh, correction. Lazy face.
‐ Tryhard. ‐ Me? I'm a tryhard?
No, we‐we just met!
Okay, let me go to the end of the line and try again,
and get some good adjectives ready!
‐ May I use the restroom?
‐ Your weakness is your bladder! ‐ It sure is!
♪
♪ They think I'm gonna pee, but I'm really gonna ♪
♪ Take a nap! And say I got lost! ♪
Ah!
Sweet dreams, Gary.
♪ relaxing music ♪
♪ tense music ♪
[rustling]
[approaching footsteps]
[creature growls] Ah! Am I being hazed?!
[screaming] [splatter]
♪ tropical music ♪
‐ Welcome to the first‐ever Sandalwood retreat.
I'll be your guide on this journey through
consciously connected coupledom! [applause]
♪ tense music ♪
If you feel the need to applaud, please use your stirring drum.
[tinny drumming]
‐ [scoffs] F this in the A.
‐ Who are you, and why are you here?
‐ Well, this is Glenn. ‐ And she's Doreen.
‐ Like tangerine? [laughs]
[laughter] [drumming]
‐ [quietly] Come on, for that?
‐ We're happily married.
Uh, we're just here to meet other couples.
GLENN: Whoops! I dropped my keys!
You know what would be handy?
A big bowl we could all put our keys in!
‐ But, what if, at the end of the night,
we took the wrong keys?
‐ I guess we'd have to couple up
with whoever those keys belonged to. ‐ [suggestive] Huh?
‐ Well, moving on. Excuse me,
where's your partner? ‐ Well, I tell you what,
that's kinda why I'm here.
I feel like my girlfriend is always putting her job
over our relationship.
‐ Oh. And how does that make you feel?
‐ Insignificant. Full of despair.
[drum rattling]
[laughing]
‐ Love this thing.
♪
‐ There are three rules I live by.
[excited chatter] One,
the armor makes the man.
[scribbling] Two,
the real fountain of youth is daily meditation
and a floppy sun hat. Three, [scribbling]
obey your thirst.
‐ What am I, a beginner? I'm way past this superficial bullshit.
[scribbling]
Broth, what are you even writing down?
‐ Patrick, it's time I told you something.
Whenever you think I'm taking notes,
I am elbow‐deep drawing homemade porno.
♪ sensual music ♪
‐ Ugh... STYLES: And now,
we're going to be talking about the best sword positions...
‐ Finally! ‐ ...to highlight your face in battle!
‐ To what?
‐ Like so! Huh? [squires oohing and aahing]
And, with your back to the sun,
use your weapon as a bounce card
to find your fill light!
[slicing] [squires oohing and aahing]
‐ Oh shit! ‐ Sgt. Meghan, this is pointless.
‐ [laughs] There I go.
♪ tropical music ♪
‐ In this team‐building exercise,
each couple will use their wooden blocks
to build a house. Begin!
♪
A solid home, much like a solid relationship...
[clatters] ‐ Damn it.
‐ ...should be built on a strong foundation.
Support is the key to‐‐
KING MERRIMAN: Done!
‐ [angrily] Well, it wasn't a race.
‐ Come take the tour!
Here's my room. Hm?
This balcony is where I give my big important speeches about war
and I do my daily sports talk show with a partner
whose opinions are always the exact opposite of mine.
And here's my rooftop grotto
where the mint julep sommelier can oft be found.
And this is the after‐hours mistress entrance.
‐ I noticed that you haven't mentioned Tulip's place in this house at all.
It feels like you may be putting your crown before your marriage.
[laughing, slurps]
‐ Why‐why, I, uh, th‐that's not‐‐ ‐ And Tulip,
[sipping, burps] looks like you've disengaged completely.
‐ Oh, I was never engaged. [laughs]
[flames crackling]
‐ That's a feature, not a bug.
♪ runway music ♪
‐ Strut! Good, good, strut! You're a knight!
Come on, show me confidence!
Buttocks high and tight, Tobey!
‐ Feeble buttocks game, Tobey! ‐ Fuck off, Broth!
‐ Uh, excuse me, sir,
Gary's not back from his bathroom break yet.
‐ Oh, look out, gang, we've got the bathroom police over here!
[laughter]
‐ I'm not the bathroom police!
‐ Uh, tango‐six‐one‐niner,
I'm thinking about Gary's dick and whether enough pee's come out of it!
Over! [laughter]
♪ tropical music ♪
‐ In this resolution role play scenario,
Anjelica is married
to a mariachi musician.
It's their date night, but he booked a gig.
[knocking] Even worse,
the plumber is here to fix the sink.
His fee is $1,200!
Now, what are some helpful strategies
Anjelica can use to turn this relationship speed bump
into a growth moment?
‐ I feel like you're trying to goad me into saying something racist.
‐ Oh! I know this one! It's a porn. You fuck the plumber.
‐ Uh, maybe the mariachi's skipping date night
because she cares more about
the plumbing than his plumbing.
‐ Ehh, we already worked on your thing, Urk.
You can't maintain an erection with Anjelica
because Anjelica was the name of the secretary
that your father ran away with.
‐ I hate you, Dad!
‐ Not for nothing, but if I don't get to be the plumber next time,
I'm drinking poison.
♪
‐ Our next lesson, hair!
[squires oohing and aahing]
You could be the greatest knight in the world,
but if you don't look the part,
no one will take you seriously.
Boy! How do you wash your hair?
‐ I take a running start and sprint through the shower before I can get wet.
‐ Incorrect! Now, the next two hours
will be about styling and product.
[papers crinkling] ‐ Ugh! Are you kidding me?
We wear helmets all day!
Hairstyles are useless to a knight!
‐ [laughs] I'm sorry, are you a knight?
‐ I'm not a knight, but I did find all the gems
that pay your salary.
SQUIRES: Ooh! ‐ And I did
save the princess from poison tampons,
and I also saved the king and queen
from being kidnapped and turned into cater‐waiters!
‐ Wow! It sounds like you've had a lot of achievements.
And yet, somehow, I don't even know your name!
Do you want to know why?
Because of your fucking hair!
SQUIRES: [gasping] Oh!
‐ You're garbage! ‐ Ha, ha, ha! That's savage.
‐ [muttering] God damn fucking loser.
How is he a knight? I should be a fucking knight.
He should work for me. Fucking hair.
Shave my head! Hm? Then they'll be sorry.
[splat] Ah! What the...
♪ ominous music ♪
Ah! Gary!
‐ Thank you all for participating.
And remember, there's only one secret to a happy relationship,
and that secret is‐‐
[gasping]
‐ Minchacha! ALL: Oh!
[growling]
♪
‐ Is this part of it?
[drip]
[rattling]
♪
[all screaming]
[panting]
‐ There are no boats! They come back at 5:00
or when love reigns supreme!
My money's on 5:00. [creature roaring]
‐ Minchacha...
[screaming]
‐ If we distract it, we can run to the cabins.
‐ We need a volunteer. I vote Mark.
‐ What? ‐ Buddy, come on. There is no girlfriend.
‐ Wha‐‐ Glenn, Doreen.
[laughs] Tell them who I am.
‐ Yep. Classic Mark. ‐ [nervous laugh] That's our boy. Oh.
‐ Okay, well that's the worst acting I've ever seen.
‐ You adorable lovebirds are always promising to kill yourselves.
Now's your time to shine!
‐ Ooh, I, uh, I‐I don't know‐‐
‐ Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
ALL: Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
Kill yourself!
‐ Should we both... ‐ Oh, I would,
but father says he needs help with the yard this weekend.
‐ Right. Just me then.
Well, I'm off. Farewell.
[creature roaring] I'm going. I'm doing it.
This is the last time to see me before I die.
‐ I'm so wet, baby!
[whimpers]
‐ Minchacha.
[roaring] [screaming]
[growling] [struggling]
[yelling]
[cheering]
♪
‐ I think we should break up. ‐ What?!
‐ Yeah. Um, you said you'd die for me, and then you...
didn't. The spark is gone.
[quiet growling, rustling]
♪ tense music ♪
[roaring]
‐ Sweet Jesus. It has friends! [all screaming]
‐ Were we in love or just enabling each other?
Because‐‐ [both scream]
[monkeys snarling, hooting]
[excited noises]
‐ What are they doing? Oh! ‐ Oh, they're not‐‐ Oh!
‐ Are they... ‐ Circle jerking onto the dead bodies?
' Cause I tell you what, it looks like it.
‐ Oh! They're aroused by death!
It's a thing. ‐ Who cares if it's a thing?!
Run! [all screaming]
[grunts, laughs] [clang]
‐ Oh man, this is gonna be the best
"I told you so" of all time
when I show them Gary's severed head.
"Ooh, we were wrong, Patrick. Sorry we tried to teach you
stupid bullshit, Patrick."
[grunts]
[creature growls]
Ah. What am I doing?
Gary is dead, and I need to warn the others.
On the other hand, I'm 15 rocks deep.
In for a penny‐‐ [thud]
[rustling]
‐ [growl] Minchacha!
‐ Ah! [roaring]
[panting]
[splat]
♪
Ah!
[growling]
‐ We're gonna die out here, Tulip.
‐ Our relationship finally killed us.
‐ Promise me something, baby.
If we make it out of this alive,
let's get divorced.
‐ [growl] Minchacha.
‐ If this is the end, I'm sorry that the last thing I said to you
was that we should get divorced. ‐ As long as we're going to die,
let's be a good couple for once.
[grunting]
‐ I'm done putting my crown first.
[snarling]
‐ Agreed.
[clang] [grunts]
[groans]
‐ [laughs] We put our marriage first,
and it saved our lives!
‐ Shall we finish the job? [laughs]
♪ operatic music ♪
♪ operatic singing ♪
[crunching, splattering]
♪ operatic singing ♪
[crunching, splattering]
♪ singing continues ♪
[squishing]
‐ [panting] Oh god... [snarling]
[creature grunts] [Patrick screaming]
‐ Minchacha! [Patrick screaming]
DOREEN: [gasp] Patrick's here!
Everyone, our son is a squire!
He's here to save us! GLENN: What?
[screaming]
♪
‐ What a little bitch baby. ‐ The optics are not great.
[Patrick screaming]
♪
‐ It's date night, so I rescheduled the plumber for next week.
‐ Thank you for being proactive.
I see and appreciate it.
‐ How was mariachi practice?
‐ Muy bueno. Gracias, mi amor.
[Patrick screaming]
What the hell was that?
[banging] [grunts]
‐ Oh! Oh, thank you! It's a killing field out there.
‐ Mom? Dad? Mark?
‐ Fucking finally!
‐ Those monkeys are cutting us down like ripe summer wheat!
Gather the troops and counterattack!
‐ There are no troops. There's just me.
[mocking] The other squires are too busy braiding each other's hair.
‐ You mean those squires?
‐ Squires ready?
[squires grunting in unison]
♪ runway music ♪
[hooting] [grunting]
‐ Ha... ha! ‐ [slice]
[grunting, slicing in unison]
‐ Oh... He was going somewhere
with all that surface‐level shit.
Man, they look awesome! [sighs]
I let my ego get in the way
like a little know‐it‐all prick.
Now I'm in here, and they're out there.
[monkeys chattering] [screaming]
Oh, hell no!
[hooting] Time to get on board
with the Styles method.
[growling] Frame the face!
‐ Minchacha!
Find your fill light! [snarl]
[clang] Hair is the window to the soul.
♪ runway music ♪
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
[hooting]
KING MERRIMAN: Ha ha, the boys in blue are here!
‐ Look! That one's about to get eaten!
‐ Hm... Babe, let me ask you something.
Do you wanna play it safe,
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
‐ Mm...
‐ Fuck! Do these things have any weaknesses?
Give me some info! ‐ Uh,
th‐they're violent! And horny?
‐ In that order! ‐ What do you mean "in that order"?
‐ Well, no one's gonna say it. Let me be the first.
The monkeys jack off on corpses.
KING MERRIMAN: Outta the way!
Here comes the minchacha express!
BOTH: Whoa!
[hooting]
‐ Wait! Look at me!
[hooting, growling]
[stilted] Oh! I'm not feeling so good!
[snarling]
Oh! My heart! This is the big one! [grunts]
[growling]
[laughing, grunting]
‐ Keep your mouth closed, boy!
QUEEN TULIP: Oh...
‐ Minchacha! Minchacha! [screeching] ‐ Minchacha!
BOTH: Whoa! [banging, shrieking]
‐ Ah, yes!
[passionate kissing]
BOTH: Legends.
‐ Just stay there, son. I'll see if I can find you a hose.
♪
‐ Am I late for couples' counseling?
‐ Coral, you do this every time.
BOTH Oh! That's Mark!
‐ Uh, yeah. I've been dating your daughter for 18 months.
I played board games at your house. You missed everything!
‐ Stop trying to pen me up in your 9‐to‐5 world!
I had a whole shark thing with a treasure chest.
You can't put a clock on that!
‐ Those kids have so much to learn.
[passionate kissing]
♪
‐ You remembered the lessons.
‐ And really took one for the team.
‐ Actually, you took several for the team!
‐ Way to carry the load!
‐ Monkeys came on your face. [laughs]
[groans]
‐ You did good, Patrick.
‐ You remembered my name.
‐ It's the hair! I don't know what kind of essential proteins
those monkeys were packing in their balls, but...
you're sporting one luscious mane, my boy.
‐ Oh, you know what?
There's a printing error on this map.
Cuddly Monkey Island is way the hell over there!
This island's got a skull and crossbones on it.
[squires groaning]
It looks like there's jizz shooting out of the crossbones.
This is a really graphic drawing.
What commercial mapmaker would include this on their product?
‐ You should write an angry letter. ‐ Oh, I will!
♪
[wind blowing]
♪
[chirping, squawking]
[creature snarling]
[low growl]
♪
[8‐bit video game sounds]
CHILD: That was amazing.
[crinkling, monkey ook, slap]