1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:04,047
♪
2
00:00:07,008 --> 00:00:10,220
‐ Right. This race is to
prove what's faster,
3
00:00:10,220 --> 00:00:11,930
a wagon or Barry.
4
00:00:11,930 --> 00:00:13,848
‐ It's also to prove we should
never get a day off.
5
00:00:13,848 --> 00:00:16,309
‐ Patrick, do you wanna
play it safe all your life,
6
00:00:16,309 --> 00:00:18,228
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
7
00:00:18,228 --> 00:00:20,230
[grunts] Whoa...
8
00:00:20,230 --> 00:00:22,399
‐ You're literally going to die.
9
00:00:22,399 --> 00:00:24,859
‐ First one to the bottom
of the hill wins!
10
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:27,237
[wagon creaks]
On your marks...
11
00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:29,698
♪ tense music ♪
12
00:00:29,698 --> 00:00:30,574
Get set...
13
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:34,786
Go!
BROTH: Yah!
14
00:00:34,786 --> 00:00:38,540
[yelling, laughter]
‐ Oh, oh! Whoa!
15
00:00:38,540 --> 00:00:39,541
‐ Ah!
16
00:00:39,541 --> 00:00:41,626
You trying to trade paint with me?!
17
00:00:41,626 --> 00:00:43,169
[tires screeching]
[grunting]
18
00:00:43,169 --> 00:00:45,630
‐ Knock it off, you fucking asshole!
[grunts]
19
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:47,966
Oh! Ah! [yelling]
20
00:00:47,966 --> 00:00:49,551
♪ dramatic music ♪
21
00:00:49,551 --> 00:00:51,136
[smash]
[screaming]
22
00:00:51,136 --> 00:00:53,471
ALL:
No, Barry! Come back!
23
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:55,390
Turn! Turn! Turn!
24
00:00:55,390 --> 00:00:56,766
[rumble]
25
00:00:57,142 --> 00:00:58,685
[relieved sighs]
‐ He's okay!
26
00:00:58,685 --> 00:00:59,728
[rumbling]
27
00:00:59,728 --> 00:01:01,563
♪ tense music ♪
28
00:01:01,563 --> 00:01:02,606
ALL:
No!
29
00:01:02,606 --> 00:01:06,109
[all exclaiming]
30
00:01:07,110 --> 00:01:08,486
[relieved sighs]
‐ Oh my god!
31
00:01:08,486 --> 00:01:10,405
Oh...
[chirping]
32
00:01:10,405 --> 00:01:12,908
ALL: No!
[creaking]
33
00:01:12,908 --> 00:01:14,326
‐ Oh!
‐ Yes!
34
00:01:14,326 --> 00:01:16,578
[chirping]
[gasps]
35
00:01:16,578 --> 00:01:18,163
♪ tense music ♪
36
00:01:18,163 --> 00:01:19,956
[chirping]
37
00:01:21,625 --> 00:01:23,501
ALL:
No!
38
00:01:23,501 --> 00:01:26,504
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
39
00:01:32,761 --> 00:01:35,764
♪
40
00:01:36,973 --> 00:01:37,974
[waves lapping]
41
00:01:37,974 --> 00:01:40,977
♪ military music ♪
42
00:01:40,977 --> 00:01:43,647
‐ In all my years of
service to this kingdom,
43
00:01:43,647 --> 00:01:47,150
I've never trained a group
of squires this irresponsible!
44
00:01:48,151 --> 00:01:51,863
You lost a member of your
own squadron on a day off?!
45
00:01:51,863 --> 00:01:55,116
‐ Um, Sgt. Meghan,
we technically know where he is.
46
00:01:55,116 --> 00:01:58,495
He's plummeting endlessly
through space... Forever.
47
00:01:58,495 --> 00:02:00,247
[seagulls cawing]
‐ Fall back, Broth.
48
00:02:00,247 --> 00:02:01,248
‐ Yep.
49
00:02:02,916 --> 00:02:04,417
‐ Farther.
‐ Got it.
50
00:02:05,585 --> 00:02:07,754
‐ For the record, they lost him.
51
00:02:07,754 --> 00:02:11,049
You know, I voted not to ride
our teammate down a hill.
52
00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:13,969
‐ Patrick, keep snitching,
I'll get to stitching.
53
00:02:14,844 --> 00:02:17,472
You idiots are making me look terrible!
54
00:02:17,472 --> 00:02:20,141
That's why we're here on
Cuddly Monkey Island.
55
00:02:20,141 --> 00:02:22,936
‐ Sarge, e‐excuse me.
Question about the island.
56
00:02:22,936 --> 00:02:24,271
‐ Yes, what is it, Griffin?
57
00:02:24,271 --> 00:02:27,482
‐ It's just that when we trained
on Naked Lady Island,
58
00:02:27,482 --> 00:02:29,568
we were attacked by reptile women
59
00:02:29,568 --> 00:02:32,988
with snakes for hair
and Barry got turned to stone!
60
00:02:32,988 --> 00:02:35,156
So, if Cuddly Monkey Island
61
00:02:35,156 --> 00:02:36,908
is another ironic name,
62
00:02:36,908 --> 00:02:38,910
could we at least get a heads up?
63
00:02:38,910 --> 00:02:40,704
‐ I'm your drill instructor,
64
00:02:40,704 --> 00:02:43,665
not a fucking travel writer!
Fall back with Broth.
65
00:02:43,665 --> 00:02:44,916
[disappointed sigh]
66
00:02:48,003 --> 00:02:50,005
[rustling]
[gasps]
67
00:02:50,005 --> 00:02:53,008
♪ foreboding music ♪
68
00:03:00,390 --> 00:03:02,392
♪ foreboding music stops ♪
69
00:03:02,851 --> 00:03:04,853
[nervous groaning]
Anyway,
70
00:03:04,853 --> 00:03:07,939
I pulled some strings and lined up
a special guest speaker.
71
00:03:07,939 --> 00:03:10,942
Please look towards the water,
as he has requested,
72
00:03:10,942 --> 00:03:13,153
and welcome the legendary
73
00:03:13,153 --> 00:03:14,821
Sir Styles!
74
00:03:14,821 --> 00:03:17,115
[cheering]
[horse neighs]
75
00:03:17,115 --> 00:03:18,700
♪
76
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:19,951
PATRICK:
Oh my god!
77
00:03:19,951 --> 00:03:23,288
Sir Styles! I wanted to be him
when I was a kid!
78
00:03:23,288 --> 00:03:26,291
‐ Ooh! Remember when he saved
all those differently abled orphans
79
00:03:26,291 --> 00:03:29,211
from that fire started by that
differently abled orphan?
80
00:03:29,211 --> 00:03:30,545
‐ Oh! Nothing sadder than
81
00:03:30,545 --> 00:03:33,173
differently abled orphan on
differently abled orphan crime.
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00:03:33,173 --> 00:03:35,592
‐ Well, I was into Sir Styles
before he went mainstream.
83
00:03:35,592 --> 00:03:38,303
His early indie knight work,
his absurdist phase.
84
00:03:38,303 --> 00:03:40,347
‐ Not me, man. Just gimme those hits.
85
00:03:40,347 --> 00:03:42,057
[cheering]
86
00:03:42,057 --> 00:03:44,100
‐ [muttering]
I can't wait until these assholes
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00:03:44,100 --> 00:03:46,311
turn into battlefield statistics.
88
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[cheering]
89
00:03:48,313 --> 00:03:51,316
♪ tropical music ♪
90
00:04:00,075 --> 00:04:01,493
‐ Why are we doing this?
91
00:04:01,493 --> 00:04:03,912
‐ We're doing it because
I threw a beauty pageant
92
00:04:03,912 --> 00:04:06,623
to find a new queen while
you were in a coma last week,
93
00:04:06,623 --> 00:04:09,668
and according to the gossip rags,
that means our...
94
00:04:09,668 --> 00:04:11,753
[feminine voice]
quote, "marriage is on the rocks."
95
00:04:11,753 --> 00:04:15,090
[normal] So, going to this couples'
retreat will slap a fresh coat of paint
96
00:04:15,090 --> 00:04:17,592
onto this rusty old wagon
we call matrimony.
97
00:04:18,552 --> 00:04:20,011
‐ How romantic.
98
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,639
♪
99
00:04:22,639 --> 00:04:24,724
Where is this counselor, uh,
100
00:04:24,724 --> 00:04:26,142
Tumbleweed Scrub Brush?
101
00:04:26,142 --> 00:04:29,354
‐ Willow Sage? She's the best!
‐ Oh?
102
00:04:29,354 --> 00:04:32,607
She made you stop hating each other?
‐ Oh, we never hated each other.
103
00:04:32,607 --> 00:04:34,401
We're working through, uh,
104
00:04:34,401 --> 00:04:36,403
a sexual incompatibility issue!
105
00:04:36,403 --> 00:04:38,780
‐ [groans] Anjelica,
let's save that for group!
106
00:04:38,780 --> 00:04:41,449
‐ Willow says it's nothing
to be ashamed of, Urk!
107
00:04:41,449 --> 00:04:45,245
‐ Let me guess. Like trying to thread
a needle with a cannon? Hm?
108
00:04:45,245 --> 00:04:48,790
‐ Yes, but the cannon stays floppy
like a sock full of pudding.
109
00:04:48,790 --> 00:04:51,793
‐ Jesus orc‐murdering Christ!
110
00:04:52,419 --> 00:04:54,629
‐ Roman, if father won't let us marry,
111
00:04:54,629 --> 00:04:56,715
I'll drink poison and die!
‐ Same, Julie.
112
00:04:56,715 --> 00:04:58,925
If my mother tells us to
wait until we're older,
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00:04:58,925 --> 00:05:00,927
I'll drink poison and die at once.
114
00:05:00,927 --> 00:05:03,096
‐ And if we can't book the church
in May on a Saturday,
115
00:05:03,096 --> 00:05:05,807
buy me a ticket to Poisontown. One way.
116
00:05:05,807 --> 00:05:09,394
‐ Kids, you can't solve all of
life's problems with poison.
117
00:05:10,228 --> 00:05:13,440
‐ Roman, this man's beard is
hideous and it upsets me.
118
00:05:13,440 --> 00:05:15,233
‐ Shall we drink poison?
119
00:05:15,650 --> 00:05:18,653
‐ Jesus Christ.
‐ Nice to see you both again!
120
00:05:19,988 --> 00:05:22,240
‐ Oh, yes! Yes! You!
121
00:05:22,240 --> 00:05:24,284
[laughing] Oh, yes!
‐ Oh yeah! [laughs] Oh, you!
122
00:05:24,284 --> 00:05:25,660
Wouldn't be a party without...
123
00:05:25,660 --> 00:05:27,162
you two.
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00:05:28,705 --> 00:05:32,250
‐ They have no idea who we are.
‐ [scoffs] Rich people are so fake.
125
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:34,961
‐ Well, look at you! Glenn! Doreen!
126
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:39,174
‐ Oh! Hello! [nervous laugh]
127
00:05:39,174 --> 00:05:41,968
‐ I tell you what,
it is so nice to see you again.
128
00:05:41,968 --> 00:05:45,138
‐ Oh yeah! Um, you bet... you...
129
00:05:46,932 --> 00:05:48,391
‐ Who the fuck is that?
‐ I don't know.
130
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:50,602
‐ He's not a friend of yours?
‐ Yes, I remember every single person
131
00:05:50,602 --> 00:05:52,187
I've ever seen in my life.
He's not one of them.
132
00:05:52,187 --> 00:05:54,940
‐ These are not our people.
Let's get out of here.
133
00:05:54,940 --> 00:05:56,399
Now.
‐ Giddyup.
134
00:05:56,399 --> 00:05:59,903
‐ Hello! I'm Willow Sage!
135
00:05:59,903 --> 00:06:02,530
Don't run off! Have a coconut water.
136
00:06:02,530 --> 00:06:04,449
Share what's in your hearts.
137
00:06:04,449 --> 00:06:07,661
‐ I will be doing precisely none of
those things, you absurd woman.
138
00:06:07,661 --> 00:06:11,164
We're getting out of here.
‐ Oh! I'm afraid that's impossible!
139
00:06:11,164 --> 00:06:14,626
The ships won't return
until love reigns supreme!
140
00:06:14,626 --> 00:06:16,962
[laughs] Or 5:00 PM.
[sips]
141
00:06:16,962 --> 00:06:20,006
‐ In that case, where are
those teenagers with the poison?
142
00:06:20,840 --> 00:06:24,636
‐ A knight must instantly
identify an enemy's weakness.
143
00:06:24,636 --> 00:06:26,137
I'll demonstrate.
144
00:06:26,888 --> 00:06:28,390
Flaky.
‐ Um...
145
00:06:28,932 --> 00:06:30,433
‐ Coward.
‐ Oh...
146
00:06:30,809 --> 00:06:32,310
‐ Arrogant.
‐ Thank you.
147
00:06:32,811 --> 00:06:34,312
‐ Fuckboi.
‐ Aw...
148
00:06:34,980 --> 00:06:37,983
‐ Lazy eye.
‐ Uh, correction. Lazy face.
149
00:06:39,025 --> 00:06:41,861
‐ Tryhard.
‐ Me? I'm a tryhard?
150
00:06:41,861 --> 00:06:43,655
No, we‐we just met!
151
00:06:43,655 --> 00:06:46,783
Okay, let me go to the end
of the line and try again,
152
00:06:46,783 --> 00:06:49,077
and get some good adjectives ready!
153
00:06:50,036 --> 00:06:51,705
‐ May I use the restroom?
154
00:06:51,705 --> 00:06:54,749
‐ Your weakness is your bladder!
‐ It sure is!
155
00:06:54,749 --> 00:06:56,418
♪
156
00:06:56,418 --> 00:06:59,045
♪ They think I'm gonna pee,
but I'm really gonna ♪
157
00:06:59,045 --> 00:07:02,632
♪ Take a nap!
And say I got lost! ♪
158
00:07:02,632 --> 00:07:03,717
Ah!
159
00:07:03,717 --> 00:07:05,427
Sweet dreams, Gary.
160
00:07:05,427 --> 00:07:07,429
♪ relaxing music ♪
161
00:07:07,429 --> 00:07:09,347
♪ tense music ♪
162
00:07:09,347 --> 00:07:12,350
[rustling]
163
00:07:14,561 --> 00:07:16,563
[approaching footsteps]
164
00:07:17,898 --> 00:07:20,525
[creature growls]
Ah! Am I being hazed?!
165
00:07:20,525 --> 00:07:23,153
[screaming]
[splatter]
166
00:07:25,739 --> 00:07:27,532
♪ tropical music ♪
167
00:07:27,532 --> 00:07:31,161
‐ Welcome to the first‐ever
Sandalwood retreat.
168
00:07:31,161 --> 00:07:33,455
I'll be your guide on this journey through
169
00:07:33,455 --> 00:07:36,458
consciously connected coupledom!
[applause]
170
00:07:36,458 --> 00:07:39,461
♪ tense music ♪
171
00:07:41,379 --> 00:07:44,841
If you feel the need to applaud,
please use your stirring drum.
172
00:07:44,841 --> 00:07:47,302
[tinny drumming]
173
00:07:48,428 --> 00:07:50,347
‐ [scoffs] F this in the A.
174
00:07:50,347 --> 00:07:52,182
‐ Who are you, and why are you here?
175
00:07:52,182 --> 00:07:56,019
‐ Well, this is Glenn.
‐ And she's Doreen.
176
00:07:56,019 --> 00:07:58,021
‐ Like tangerine? [laughs]
177
00:07:58,021 --> 00:08:00,398
[laughter]
[drumming]
178
00:08:01,024 --> 00:08:03,068
‐ [quietly] Come on, for that?
179
00:08:03,068 --> 00:08:04,736
‐ We're happily married.
180
00:08:04,736 --> 00:08:07,197
Uh, we're just here to meet other couples.
181
00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:09,741
GLENN:
Whoops! I dropped my keys!
182
00:08:09,741 --> 00:08:11,117
You know what would be handy?
183
00:08:11,117 --> 00:08:13,828
A big bowl we could all put our keys in!
184
00:08:13,828 --> 00:08:16,248
‐ But, what if, at the end of the night,
185
00:08:16,248 --> 00:08:17,874
we took the wrong keys?
186
00:08:17,874 --> 00:08:19,834
‐ I guess we'd have to couple up
187
00:08:19,834 --> 00:08:22,837
with whoever those keys belonged to.
‐ [suggestive] Huh?
188
00:08:25,507 --> 00:08:28,468
‐ Well, moving on. Excuse me,
189
00:08:28,468 --> 00:08:30,345
where's your partner?
‐ Well, I tell you what,
190
00:08:30,345 --> 00:08:32,180
that's kinda why I'm here.
191
00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:34,432
I feel like my girlfriend is
always putting her job
192
00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,309
over our relationship.
193
00:08:36,309 --> 00:08:39,729
‐ Oh. And how does that make you feel?
194
00:08:40,355 --> 00:08:42,774
‐ Insignificant. Full of despair.
195
00:08:43,817 --> 00:08:44,901
[drum rattling]
196
00:08:44,901 --> 00:08:47,821
[laughing]
197
00:08:47,821 --> 00:08:49,197
‐ Love this thing.
198
00:08:49,197 --> 00:08:52,200
♪
199
00:08:54,911 --> 00:08:56,746
‐ There are three rules I live by.
200
00:08:56,746 --> 00:08:58,164
[excited chatter]
One,
201
00:08:58,164 --> 00:09:00,000
the armor makes the man.
202
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,334
[scribbling]
Two,
203
00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:04,045
the real fountain of youth
is daily meditation
204
00:09:04,045 --> 00:09:06,464
and a floppy sun hat. Three,
[scribbling]
205
00:09:06,464 --> 00:09:08,508
obey your thirst.
206
00:09:08,508 --> 00:09:12,137
‐ What am I, a beginner?
I'm way past this superficial bullshit.
207
00:09:12,137 --> 00:09:13,179
[scribbling]
208
00:09:13,179 --> 00:09:15,015
Broth, what are you even writing down?
209
00:09:15,015 --> 00:09:16,975
‐ Patrick, it's time I told you something.
210
00:09:16,975 --> 00:09:18,810
Whenever you think I'm taking notes,
211
00:09:18,810 --> 00:09:20,937
I am elbow‐deep drawing homemade porno.
212
00:09:20,937 --> 00:09:23,607
♪ sensual music ♪
213
00:09:23,607 --> 00:09:25,025
‐ Ugh...
STYLES: And now,
214
00:09:25,025 --> 00:09:28,069
we're going to be talking
about the best sword positions...
215
00:09:28,069 --> 00:09:30,655
‐ Finally!
‐ ...to highlight your face in battle!
216
00:09:30,655 --> 00:09:31,698
‐ To what?
217
00:09:31,698 --> 00:09:33,617
‐ Like so! Huh?
[squires oohing and aahing]
218
00:09:33,617 --> 00:09:35,493
And, with your back to the sun,
219
00:09:35,493 --> 00:09:37,454
use your weapon as a bounce card
220
00:09:37,454 --> 00:09:39,706
to find your fill light!
221
00:09:39,706 --> 00:09:42,626
[slicing]
[squires oohing and aahing]
222
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:46,421
‐ Oh shit!
‐ Sgt. Meghan, this is pointless.
223
00:09:46,421 --> 00:09:48,715
‐ [laughs] There I go.
224
00:09:48,715 --> 00:09:51,718
♪ tropical music ♪
225
00:09:53,970 --> 00:09:57,140
‐ In this team‐building exercise,
226
00:09:57,140 --> 00:09:59,559
each couple will use their wooden blocks
227
00:09:59,559 --> 00:10:02,437
to build a house. Begin!
228
00:10:02,437 --> 00:10:03,313
♪
229
00:10:03,313 --> 00:10:06,775
A solid home, much like
a solid relationship...
230
00:10:06,775 --> 00:10:08,485
[clatters]
‐ Damn it.
231
00:10:08,485 --> 00:10:12,072
‐ ...should be built on
a strong foundation.
232
00:10:12,072 --> 00:10:13,907
Support is the key to‐‐
233
00:10:13,907 --> 00:10:15,116
KING MERRIMAN:
Done!
234
00:10:15,116 --> 00:10:16,534
‐ [angrily] Well, it wasn't a race.
235
00:10:16,534 --> 00:10:17,786
‐ Come take the tour!
236
00:10:17,786 --> 00:10:19,329
Here's my room. Hm?
237
00:10:19,329 --> 00:10:22,707
This balcony is where I give
my big important speeches about war
238
00:10:22,707 --> 00:10:25,168
and I do my daily sports
talk show with a partner
239
00:10:25,168 --> 00:10:27,754
whose opinions are always
the exact opposite of mine.
240
00:10:27,754 --> 00:10:29,756
And here's my rooftop grotto
241
00:10:29,756 --> 00:10:32,467
where the mint julep
sommelier can oft be found.
242
00:10:32,467 --> 00:10:35,595
And this is the after‐hours
mistress entrance.
243
00:10:35,595 --> 00:10:39,516
‐ I noticed that you haven't mentioned
Tulip's place in this house at all.
244
00:10:39,516 --> 00:10:43,395
It feels like you may be putting
your crown before your marriage.
245
00:10:43,395 --> 00:10:45,772
[laughing, slurps]
246
00:10:45,772 --> 00:10:48,400
‐ Why‐why, I, uh, th‐that's not‐‐
‐ And Tulip,
247
00:10:48,400 --> 00:10:51,027
[sipping, burps]
looks like you've disengaged completely.
248
00:10:51,027 --> 00:10:53,321
‐ Oh, I was never engaged. [laughs]
249
00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:54,864
[flames crackling]
250
00:10:54,864 --> 00:10:56,950
‐ That's a feature, not a bug.
251
00:10:56,950 --> 00:10:58,535
♪ runway music ♪
252
00:10:58,535 --> 00:11:01,288
‐ Strut! Good, good, strut!
You're a knight!
253
00:11:01,288 --> 00:11:03,248
Come on, show me confidence!
254
00:11:03,248 --> 00:11:05,625
Buttocks high and tight, Tobey!
255
00:11:05,625 --> 00:11:08,253
‐ Feeble buttocks game, Tobey!
‐ Fuck off, Broth!
256
00:11:08,253 --> 00:11:09,963
‐ Uh, excuse me, sir,
257
00:11:09,963 --> 00:11:12,048
Gary's not back from
his bathroom break yet.
258
00:11:12,048 --> 00:11:15,552
‐ Oh, look out, gang, we've got
the bathroom police over here!
259
00:11:15,552 --> 00:11:17,262
[laughter]
260
00:11:17,262 --> 00:11:19,055
‐ I'm not the bathroom police!
261
00:11:19,055 --> 00:11:21,224
‐ Uh, tango‐six‐one‐niner,
262
00:11:21,224 --> 00:11:24,311
I'm thinking about Gary's dick
and whether enough pee's come out of it!
263
00:11:24,311 --> 00:11:26,980
Over!
[laughter]
264
00:11:26,980 --> 00:11:29,024
♪ tropical music ♪
265
00:11:29,024 --> 00:11:32,527
‐ In this resolution role play scenario,
266
00:11:32,527 --> 00:11:34,237
Anjelica is married
267
00:11:34,237 --> 00:11:36,489
to a mariachi musician.
268
00:11:36,489 --> 00:11:39,993
It's their date night,
but he booked a gig.
269
00:11:39,993 --> 00:11:41,912
[knocking]
Even worse,
270
00:11:41,912 --> 00:11:44,331
the plumber is here to fix the sink.
271
00:11:44,331 --> 00:11:47,876
His fee is $1,200!
272
00:11:47,876 --> 00:11:50,921
Now, what are some helpful strategies
273
00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:54,507
Anjelica can use to turn
this relationship speed bump
274
00:11:54,507 --> 00:11:56,509
into a growth moment?
275
00:11:56,509 --> 00:11:59,596
‐ I feel like you're trying to goad me
into saying something racist.
276
00:11:59,596 --> 00:12:02,265
‐ Oh! I know this one!
It's a porn. You fuck the plumber.
277
00:12:02,265 --> 00:12:05,185
‐ Uh, maybe the mariachi's
skipping date night
278
00:12:05,185 --> 00:12:07,729
because she cares more about
279
00:12:07,729 --> 00:12:10,273
the plumbing than his plumbing.
280
00:12:10,273 --> 00:12:12,609
‐ Ehh, we already worked
on your thing, Urk.
281
00:12:12,609 --> 00:12:15,111
You can't maintain
an erection with Anjelica
282
00:12:15,111 --> 00:12:17,739
because Anjelica was the name
of the secretary
283
00:12:17,739 --> 00:12:19,908
that your father ran away with.
284
00:12:19,908 --> 00:12:21,826
‐ I hate you, Dad!
285
00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:24,537
‐ Not for nothing, but if I don't get
to be the plumber next time,
286
00:12:24,537 --> 00:12:25,664
I'm drinking poison.
287
00:12:25,956 --> 00:12:28,959
♪
288
00:12:29,584 --> 00:12:31,628
‐ Our next lesson, hair!
289
00:12:31,628 --> 00:12:33,129
[squires oohing and aahing]
290
00:12:33,129 --> 00:12:35,549
You could be the greatest
knight in the world,
291
00:12:35,549 --> 00:12:37,509
but if you don't look the part,
292
00:12:37,509 --> 00:12:39,469
no one will take you seriously.
293
00:12:39,469 --> 00:12:41,346
Boy! How do you wash your hair?
294
00:12:41,346 --> 00:12:43,848
‐ I take a running start and sprint
through the shower before I can get wet.
295
00:12:43,848 --> 00:12:46,184
‐ Incorrect! Now, the next two hours
296
00:12:46,184 --> 00:12:48,311
will be about styling and product.
297
00:12:48,311 --> 00:12:51,439
[papers crinkling]
‐ Ugh! Are you kidding me?
298
00:12:51,439 --> 00:12:52,983
We wear helmets all day!
299
00:12:52,983 --> 00:12:54,859
Hairstyles are useless to a knight!
300
00:12:54,859 --> 00:12:57,654
‐ [laughs] I'm sorry, are you a knight?
301
00:12:57,654 --> 00:13:00,448
‐ I'm not a knight,
but I did find all the gems
302
00:13:00,448 --> 00:13:01,825
that pay your salary.
303
00:13:01,825 --> 00:13:04,661
SQUIRES: Ooh!
‐ And I did
304
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:07,539
save the princess from poison tampons,
305
00:13:07,539 --> 00:13:09,874
and I also saved the king and queen
306
00:13:09,874 --> 00:13:12,669
from being kidnapped
and turned into cater‐waiters!
307
00:13:12,669 --> 00:13:15,797
‐ Wow! It sounds like
you've had a lot of achievements.
308
00:13:15,797 --> 00:13:19,509
And yet, somehow,
I don't even know your name!
309
00:13:19,509 --> 00:13:21,428
Do you want to know why?
310
00:13:21,428 --> 00:13:24,931
Because of your fucking hair!
311
00:13:24,931 --> 00:13:26,975
SQUIRES:
[gasping] Oh!
312
00:13:26,975 --> 00:13:30,061
‐ You're garbage!
‐ Ha, ha, ha! That's savage.
313
00:13:30,812 --> 00:13:33,148
‐ [muttering]
God damn fucking loser.
314
00:13:33,607 --> 00:13:36,359
How is he a knight?
I should be a fucking knight.
315
00:13:36,359 --> 00:13:39,321
He should work for me. Fucking hair.
316
00:13:39,321 --> 00:13:41,740
Shave my head! Hm?
Then they'll be sorry.
317
00:13:41,740 --> 00:13:43,825
[splat]
Ah! What the...
318
00:13:43,825 --> 00:13:47,245
♪ ominous music ♪
319
00:13:47,245 --> 00:13:49,706
Ah! Gary!
320
00:13:50,123 --> 00:13:52,918
‐ Thank you all for participating.
321
00:13:52,918 --> 00:13:56,213
And remember, there's only one
secret to a happy relationship,
322
00:13:56,213 --> 00:13:58,548
and that secret is‐‐
323
00:14:00,008 --> 00:14:01,051
[gasping]
324
00:14:01,051 --> 00:14:03,762
‐ Minchacha!
ALL: Oh!
325
00:14:03,762 --> 00:14:05,764
[growling]
326
00:14:05,764 --> 00:14:07,766
♪
327
00:14:09,517 --> 00:14:11,186
‐ Is this part of it?
328
00:14:12,854 --> 00:14:13,855
[drip]
329
00:14:15,315 --> 00:14:16,566
[rattling]
330
00:14:16,566 --> 00:14:19,277
♪
331
00:14:21,988 --> 00:14:23,490
♪
332
00:14:23,490 --> 00:14:26,493
[all screaming]
333
00:14:28,203 --> 00:14:29,996
[panting]
334
00:14:29,996 --> 00:14:32,207
‐ There are no boats!
They come back at 5:00
335
00:14:32,207 --> 00:14:34,501
or when love reigns supreme!
336
00:14:34,501 --> 00:14:36,711
My money's on 5:00.
[creature roaring]
337
00:14:37,379 --> 00:14:38,880
‐ Minchacha...
338
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:39,798
[screaming]
339
00:14:39,798 --> 00:14:42,133
‐ If we distract it,
we can run to the cabins.
340
00:14:42,133 --> 00:14:44,511
‐ We need a volunteer. I vote Mark.
341
00:14:45,262 --> 00:14:48,348
‐ What?
‐ Buddy, come on. There is no girlfriend.
342
00:14:48,348 --> 00:14:50,600
‐ Wha‐‐ Glenn, Doreen.
343
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:52,936
[laughs] Tell them who I am.
344
00:14:54,187 --> 00:14:57,607
‐ Yep. Classic Mark.
‐ [nervous laugh] That's our boy. Oh.
345
00:14:58,441 --> 00:15:01,111
‐ Okay, well that's the worst
acting I've ever seen.
346
00:15:01,111 --> 00:15:04,239
‐ You adorable lovebirds are
always promising to kill yourselves.
347
00:15:04,239 --> 00:15:06,283
Now's your time to shine!
348
00:15:06,283 --> 00:15:07,993
‐ Ooh, I, uh, I‐I don't know‐‐
349
00:15:07,993 --> 00:15:10,870
‐ Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
350
00:15:10,870 --> 00:15:13,873
ALL:
Kill yourself! Kill yourself!
351
00:15:13,873 --> 00:15:15,709
Kill yourself!
352
00:15:15,709 --> 00:15:18,461
‐ Should we both...
‐ Oh, I would,
353
00:15:18,461 --> 00:15:21,339
but father says he needs help
with the yard this weekend.
354
00:15:21,965 --> 00:15:24,134
‐ Right. Just me then.
355
00:15:24,134 --> 00:15:26,678
Well, I'm off. Farewell.
356
00:15:26,678 --> 00:15:29,347
[creature roaring]
I'm going. I'm doing it.
357
00:15:29,347 --> 00:15:32,350
This is the last time
to see me before I die.
358
00:15:32,350 --> 00:15:33,810
‐ I'm so wet, baby!
359
00:15:34,311 --> 00:15:35,687
[whimpers]
360
00:15:36,605 --> 00:15:38,565
‐ Minchacha.
361
00:15:38,565 --> 00:15:40,483
[roaring]
[screaming]
362
00:15:40,483 --> 00:15:43,570
[growling]
[struggling]
363
00:15:43,570 --> 00:15:45,739
[yelling]
364
00:15:45,739 --> 00:15:46,907
[cheering]
365
00:15:46,907 --> 00:15:49,993
♪
366
00:15:49,993 --> 00:15:52,078
‐ I think we should break up.
‐ What?!
367
00:15:52,078 --> 00:15:55,665
‐ Yeah. Um, you said you'd die for me,
and then you...
368
00:15:55,665 --> 00:15:58,585
didn't. The spark is gone.
369
00:15:58,585 --> 00:16:01,671
[quiet growling, rustling]
370
00:16:01,671 --> 00:16:04,758
♪ tense music ♪
371
00:16:06,343 --> 00:16:08,136
[roaring]
372
00:16:08,136 --> 00:16:11,514
‐ Sweet Jesus. It has friends!
[all screaming]
373
00:16:11,514 --> 00:16:14,351
‐ Were we in love or just
enabling each other?
374
00:16:14,351 --> 00:16:15,769
Because‐‐
[both scream]
375
00:16:15,769 --> 00:16:19,356
[monkeys snarling, hooting]
376
00:16:19,356 --> 00:16:21,149
[excited noises]
377
00:16:21,149 --> 00:16:23,610
‐ What are they doing? Oh!
‐ Oh, they're not‐‐ Oh!
378
00:16:23,610 --> 00:16:26,571
‐ Are they...
‐ Circle jerking onto the dead bodies?
379
00:16:26,571 --> 00:16:28,198
' Cause I tell you what, it looks like it.
380
00:16:28,198 --> 00:16:30,408
‐ Oh! They're aroused by death!
381
00:16:30,408 --> 00:16:32,744
It's a thing.
‐ Who cares if it's a thing?!
382
00:16:32,744 --> 00:16:34,996
Run!
[all screaming]
383
00:16:34,996 --> 00:16:36,623
[grunts, laughs]
[clang]
384
00:16:36,623 --> 00:16:39,251
‐ Oh man, this is gonna be the best
385
00:16:39,251 --> 00:16:41,336
"I told you so" of all time
386
00:16:41,336 --> 00:16:43,213
when I show them Gary's severed head.
387
00:16:43,213 --> 00:16:46,424
"Ooh, we were wrong, Patrick.
Sorry we tried to teach you
388
00:16:46,424 --> 00:16:48,593
stupid bullshit, Patrick."
389
00:16:48,593 --> 00:16:49,511
[grunts]
390
00:16:50,053 --> 00:16:51,054
[creature growls]
391
00:16:51,680 --> 00:16:54,099
Ah. What am I doing?
392
00:16:54,099 --> 00:16:56,601
Gary is dead,
and I need to warn the others.
393
00:16:58,311 --> 00:17:00,522
On the other hand, I'm 15 rocks deep.
394
00:17:00,522 --> 00:17:02,440
In for a penny‐‐
[thud]
395
00:17:03,525 --> 00:17:05,026
[rustling]
396
00:17:05,986 --> 00:17:07,445
‐ [growl] Minchacha!
397
00:17:07,445 --> 00:17:09,281
‐ Ah!
[roaring]
398
00:17:09,281 --> 00:17:12,534
[panting]
399
00:17:12,534 --> 00:17:13,159
[splat]
400
00:17:13,159 --> 00:17:14,828
♪
401
00:17:14,828 --> 00:17:16,288
Ah!
402
00:17:16,288 --> 00:17:18,790
[growling]
403
00:17:20,375 --> 00:17:22,168
‐ We're gonna die out here, Tulip.
404
00:17:22,168 --> 00:17:24,838
‐ Our relationship finally killed us.
405
00:17:24,838 --> 00:17:26,882
‐ Promise me something, baby.
406
00:17:26,882 --> 00:17:29,426
If we make it out of this alive,
407
00:17:29,426 --> 00:17:30,760
let's get divorced.
408
00:17:30,760 --> 00:17:33,054
‐ [growl] Minchacha.
409
00:17:33,722 --> 00:17:36,975
‐ If this is the end, I'm sorry
that the last thing I said to you
410
00:17:36,975 --> 00:17:40,312
was that we should get divorced.
‐ As long as we're going to die,
411
00:17:40,312 --> 00:17:42,314
let's be a good couple for once.
412
00:17:42,314 --> 00:17:43,982
[grunting]
413
00:17:43,982 --> 00:17:46,651
‐ I'm done putting my crown first.
414
00:17:46,651 --> 00:17:48,111
[snarling]
415
00:17:48,111 --> 00:17:49,362
‐ Agreed.
416
00:17:49,362 --> 00:17:51,156
[clang]
[grunts]
417
00:17:51,156 --> 00:17:53,533
[groans]
418
00:17:53,533 --> 00:17:55,869
‐ [laughs] We put our marriage first,
419
00:17:55,869 --> 00:17:57,329
and it saved our lives!
420
00:17:57,329 --> 00:18:00,540
‐ Shall we finish the job? [laughs]
421
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:03,543
♪ operatic music ♪
422
00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:05,837
♪ operatic singing ♪
423
00:18:05,837 --> 00:18:08,840
[crunching, splattering]
424
00:18:10,258 --> 00:18:13,261
♪ operatic singing ♪
425
00:18:13,970 --> 00:18:16,973
[crunching, splattering]
426
00:18:17,432 --> 00:18:20,435
♪ singing continues ♪
427
00:18:21,561 --> 00:18:23,730
[squishing]
428
00:18:30,528 --> 00:18:33,073
‐ [panting] Oh god...
[snarling]
429
00:18:33,949 --> 00:18:36,785
[creature grunts]
[Patrick screaming]
430
00:18:36,785 --> 00:18:39,621
‐ Minchacha!
[Patrick screaming]
431
00:18:39,621 --> 00:18:41,289
DOREEN:
[gasp] Patrick's here!
432
00:18:41,289 --> 00:18:43,625
Everyone, our son is a squire!
433
00:18:43,625 --> 00:18:45,210
He's here to save us!
GLENN: What?
434
00:18:45,752 --> 00:18:48,755
[screaming]
435
00:18:48,755 --> 00:18:50,757
♪
436
00:18:51,424 --> 00:18:54,261
‐ What a little bitch baby.
‐ The optics are not great.
437
00:18:54,261 --> 00:18:55,595
[Patrick screaming]
438
00:18:55,595 --> 00:18:58,098
♪
439
00:18:58,098 --> 00:19:01,101
‐ It's date night, so I rescheduled
the plumber for next week.
440
00:19:01,101 --> 00:19:02,936
‐ Thank you for being proactive.
441
00:19:02,936 --> 00:19:05,021
I see and appreciate it.
442
00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:06,565
‐ How was mariachi practice?
443
00:19:06,565 --> 00:19:09,526
‐ Muy bueno. Gracias, mi amor.
444
00:19:09,526 --> 00:19:11,278
[Patrick screaming]
445
00:19:11,278 --> 00:19:12,862
What the hell was that?
446
00:19:12,862 --> 00:19:14,739
[banging]
[grunts]
447
00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:18,368
‐ Oh! Oh, thank you!
It's a killing field out there.
448
00:19:18,827 --> 00:19:20,870
‐ Mom? Dad? Mark?
449
00:19:20,870 --> 00:19:22,831
‐ Fucking finally!
450
00:19:22,831 --> 00:19:25,542
‐ Those monkeys are cutting us down
like ripe summer wheat!
451
00:19:25,542 --> 00:19:27,586
Gather the troops and counterattack!
452
00:19:27,586 --> 00:19:29,796
‐ There are no troops. There's just me.
453
00:19:29,796 --> 00:19:33,717
[mocking] The other squires are too
busy braiding each other's hair.
454
00:19:33,717 --> 00:19:36,803
‐ You mean those squires?
455
00:19:37,596 --> 00:19:39,139
‐ Squires ready?
456
00:19:39,139 --> 00:19:41,433
[squires grunting in unison]
457
00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:43,768
♪ runway music ♪
458
00:19:43,768 --> 00:19:45,645
[hooting]
[grunting]
459
00:19:45,645 --> 00:19:47,606
‐ Ha... ha!
‐ [slice]
460
00:19:47,606 --> 00:19:50,483
[grunting, slicing in unison]
461
00:19:50,483 --> 00:19:52,861
‐ Oh... He was going somewhere
462
00:19:52,861 --> 00:19:54,779
with all that surface‐level shit.
463
00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:57,365
Man, they look awesome! [sighs]
464
00:19:57,365 --> 00:19:59,492
I let my ego get in the way
465
00:19:59,492 --> 00:20:01,328
like a little know‐it‐all prick.
466
00:20:01,328 --> 00:20:03,413
Now I'm in here, and they're out there.
467
00:20:03,413 --> 00:20:05,081
[monkeys chattering]
[screaming]
468
00:20:05,081 --> 00:20:06,708
Oh, hell no!
469
00:20:06,708 --> 00:20:08,752
[hooting]
Time to get on board
470
00:20:08,752 --> 00:20:10,378
with the Styles method.
471
00:20:10,378 --> 00:20:12,505
[growling]
Frame the face!
472
00:20:13,757 --> 00:20:14,799
‐ Minchacha!
473
00:20:14,799 --> 00:20:17,219
Find your fill light!
[snarl]
474
00:20:18,094 --> 00:20:21,264
[clang]
Hair is the window to the soul.
475
00:20:21,264 --> 00:20:22,974
♪ runway music ♪
476
00:20:22,974 --> 00:20:26,603
Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off! Fuck off!
477
00:20:26,603 --> 00:20:27,938
[hooting]
478
00:20:27,938 --> 00:20:29,898
KING MERRIMAN:
Ha ha, the boys in blue are here!
479
00:20:29,898 --> 00:20:32,359
‐ Look! That one's about to get eaten!
480
00:20:32,359 --> 00:20:35,028
‐ Hm... Babe, let me ask you something.
481
00:20:35,028 --> 00:20:36,529
Do you wanna play it safe,
482
00:20:36,529 --> 00:20:38,907
or do you wanna be a fucking legend?
483
00:20:39,616 --> 00:20:40,825
‐ Mm...
484
00:20:40,825 --> 00:20:43,453
‐ Fuck! Do these things
have any weaknesses?
485
00:20:43,453 --> 00:20:45,205
Give me some info!
‐ Uh,
486
00:20:45,205 --> 00:20:47,457
th‐they're violent! And horny?
487
00:20:47,457 --> 00:20:50,544
‐ In that order!
‐ What do you mean "in that order"?
488
00:20:50,544 --> 00:20:52,671
‐ Well, no one's gonna say it.
Let me be the first.
489
00:20:52,671 --> 00:20:55,215
The monkeys jack off on corpses.
490
00:20:55,215 --> 00:20:56,424
KING MERRIMAN:
Outta the way!
491
00:20:56,424 --> 00:20:59,261
Here comes the minchacha express!
492
00:20:59,261 --> 00:21:01,429
BOTH:
Whoa!
493
00:21:01,429 --> 00:21:03,974
[hooting]
494
00:21:03,974 --> 00:21:05,809
‐ Wait! Look at me!
495
00:21:05,809 --> 00:21:06,935
[hooting, growling]
496
00:21:07,477 --> 00:21:09,854
[stilted]
Oh! I'm not feeling so good!
497
00:21:09,854 --> 00:21:10,855
[snarling]
498
00:21:10,855 --> 00:21:14,109
Oh! My heart!
This is the big one! [grunts]
499
00:21:14,776 --> 00:21:16,027
[growling]
500
00:21:17,070 --> 00:21:19,239
[laughing, grunting]
501
00:21:19,239 --> 00:21:21,116
‐ Keep your mouth closed, boy!
502
00:21:21,116 --> 00:21:22,534
QUEEN TULIP:
Oh...
503
00:21:22,534 --> 00:21:25,870
‐ Minchacha! Minchacha! [screeching]
‐ Minchacha!
504
00:21:25,870 --> 00:21:27,998
BOTH: Whoa!
[banging, shrieking]
505
00:21:27,998 --> 00:21:29,874
‐ Ah, yes!
506
00:21:29,874 --> 00:21:31,960
[passionate kissing]
507
00:21:31,960 --> 00:21:33,169
BOTH:
Legends.
508
00:21:33,795 --> 00:21:37,090
‐ Just stay there, son.
I'll see if I can find you a hose.
509
00:21:37,883 --> 00:21:39,676
♪
510
00:21:39,676 --> 00:21:41,803
‐ Am I late for couples' counseling?
511
00:21:41,803 --> 00:21:45,098
‐ Coral, you do this every time.
512
00:21:45,098 --> 00:21:47,684
BOTH
Oh! That's Mark!
513
00:21:47,684 --> 00:21:49,853
‐ Uh, yeah. I've been dating
your daughter for 18 months.
514
00:21:49,853 --> 00:21:53,231
I played board games at your house.
You missed everything!
515
00:21:53,231 --> 00:21:56,026
‐ Stop trying to pen me up
in your 9‐to‐5 world!
516
00:21:56,026 --> 00:21:58,403
I had a whole shark thing
with a treasure chest.
517
00:21:58,403 --> 00:22:00,155
You can't put a clock on that!
518
00:22:00,780 --> 00:22:03,199
‐ Those kids have so much to learn.
519
00:22:03,199 --> 00:22:05,410
[passionate kissing]
520
00:22:05,410 --> 00:22:06,661
♪
521
00:22:06,661 --> 00:22:08,496
‐ You remembered the lessons.
522
00:22:08,496 --> 00:22:10,832
‐ And really took one for the team.
523
00:22:10,832 --> 00:22:13,418
‐ Actually, you took several for the team!
524
00:22:13,418 --> 00:22:15,045
‐ Way to carry the load!
525
00:22:15,045 --> 00:22:17,088
‐ Monkeys came on your face. [laughs]
526
00:22:17,088 --> 00:22:19,132
[groans]
527
00:22:19,132 --> 00:22:20,634
‐ You did good, Patrick.
528
00:22:20,634 --> 00:22:22,052
‐ You remembered my name.
529
00:22:22,052 --> 00:22:25,013
‐ It's the hair! I don't know
what kind of essential proteins
530
00:22:25,013 --> 00:22:27,641
those monkeys were
packing in their balls, but...
531
00:22:27,641 --> 00:22:30,435
you're sporting one luscious mane, my boy.
532
00:22:30,852 --> 00:22:32,729
‐ Oh, you know what?
533
00:22:32,729 --> 00:22:34,648
There's a printing error on this map.
534
00:22:34,648 --> 00:22:37,317
Cuddly Monkey Island
is way the hell over there!
535
00:22:37,317 --> 00:22:39,778
This island's got a skull
and crossbones on it.
536
00:22:39,778 --> 00:22:41,238
[squires groaning]
537
00:22:41,238 --> 00:22:44,115
It looks like there's jizz
shooting out of the crossbones.
538
00:22:44,115 --> 00:22:46,785
This is a really graphic drawing.
539
00:22:46,785 --> 00:22:49,913
What commercial mapmaker
would include this on their product?
540
00:22:49,913 --> 00:22:52,707
‐ You should write an angry letter.
‐ Oh, I will!
541
00:22:55,377 --> 00:22:58,380
♪
542
00:23:01,925 --> 00:23:04,928
[wind blowing]
543
00:23:17,774 --> 00:23:20,777
♪
544
00:23:21,695 --> 00:23:24,698
[chirping, squawking]
545
00:23:31,580 --> 00:23:33,206
[creature snarling]
546
00:23:33,206 --> 00:23:34,457
[low growl]
547
00:23:35,792 --> 00:23:38,795
♪
548
00:24:08,825 --> 00:24:11,828
[8‐bit video game sounds]
549
00:24:11,828 --> 00:24:13,663
CHILD:
That was amazing.
550
00:24:13,663 --> 00:24:15,290
[crinkling, monkey ook, slap]