1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,296
[buzzing]
2
00:00:03,296 --> 00:00:04,881
[horse snorts]
3
00:00:04,881 --> 00:00:07,384
‐ Make way for the bees!
4
00:00:07,384 --> 00:00:10,387
♪
5
00:00:12,013 --> 00:00:13,265
[horse neighs]
6
00:00:13,265 --> 00:00:15,767
[clicking, whirring]
7
00:00:18,687 --> 00:00:20,522
‐ Hi. Are you the inventor?
8
00:00:20,522 --> 00:00:23,024
‐ That'sa me! Fettuccine da Vinci!
9
00:00:23,024 --> 00:00:24,859
‐ Wow! Like Leonardo da Vinci?
10
00:00:24,859 --> 00:00:27,195
‐ No! Nothing like the portrait‐painting,
11
00:00:27,195 --> 00:00:29,072
long‐haired fucking hacka.
12
00:00:30,323 --> 00:00:32,867
‐ Alright then.
‐ Who sent you? My dad?
13
00:00:32,867 --> 00:00:35,704
You tell him I'ma just as
successful as his brother's son!
14
00:00:35,704 --> 00:00:37,956
And while we're at it,
it's not a competition.
15
00:00:37,956 --> 00:00:41,418
‐ No! I'm on a very important
quest for Queen Tulip.
16
00:00:41,418 --> 00:00:44,254
Looking for an inventor
who can build this.
17
00:00:44,254 --> 00:00:47,132
♪ sensual music ♪
18
00:00:47,132 --> 00:00:48,967
‐ Did she have a budget in mind?
19
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:50,760
‐ The queen said money is no object.
20
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,972
‐ [gasps] Then it shall costa
one trillion dollars!
21
00:00:53,972 --> 00:00:56,892
‐ No more than 200.
‐ Wella, we can makea that work, too.
22
00:00:56,892 --> 00:01:00,562
Give me a week, and I'll build
a ride your queen will never get off.
23
00:01:00,562 --> 00:01:03,023
I mean, she'll get off,
but she won't want to get off
24
00:01:03,023 --> 00:01:04,900
the thing that is getting her off!
[laughs]
25
00:01:05,358 --> 00:01:07,360
Wait...
‐ You're hired! Follow me.
26
00:01:07,360 --> 00:01:09,154
I can take you to the castle to begin.
27
00:01:10,030 --> 00:01:12,574
Uh, by the way,
your sign's spelled incorrectly.
28
00:01:12,574 --> 00:01:14,159
‐ [imitates siren]
29
00:01:14,159 --> 00:01:15,911
Pull over and hide your hooch!
30
00:01:15,911 --> 00:01:17,704
It'sa the grammar police!
31
00:01:17,704 --> 00:01:20,707
‐ Uh, actually, grammar has
nothing to do with spelling.
32
00:01:20,707 --> 00:01:23,209
Grammar is the act of
forming words, but spelling...
33
00:01:24,294 --> 00:01:26,004
Hm.
[creaks]
34
00:01:26,713 --> 00:01:28,423
♪
35
00:01:28,423 --> 00:01:29,966
QUEEN TULIP:
Patrick, who is this man,
36
00:01:29,966 --> 00:01:31,843
and why is he in my room?
[hammering]
37
00:01:31,843 --> 00:01:34,888
Fully‐clothed?
‐ This is Fettuccine da Vinci.
38
00:01:34,888 --> 00:01:37,891
‐ Oh! Like Leonardo da Vinci!
39
00:01:37,891 --> 00:01:41,353
‐ Nothing like that sculpture‐humping,
clay‐licking motherfucker!
40
00:01:42,687 --> 00:01:45,357
I'm sorry. The paina runs deepa.
41
00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:47,442
Anyway...
[rumbling]
42
00:01:47,442 --> 00:01:49,277
It'sa finished!
[meow]
43
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:53,198
‐ I'm underwhelmed. It's very, uh, busy...
44
00:01:53,198 --> 00:01:56,117
‐ Well, you should'vea seen
the trillion dollar version.
45
00:01:56,117 --> 00:01:58,245
Now, I must warn you.
46
00:01:58,245 --> 00:02:01,122
Never set the dial past thisa red line.
47
00:02:01,122 --> 00:02:04,960
‐ Telling me not to do it only makes
me want to do it more. Leave me be.
48
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:06,545
‐ You should probably listen to him.
49
00:02:06,545 --> 00:02:08,630
‐ [hissing] I said leave me be!
[door shuts]
50
00:02:08,630 --> 00:02:10,882
What's a queen got to
do to jerk off in privacy?
51
00:02:10,882 --> 00:02:13,927
[creak, whirring, squeaking]
52
00:02:14,427 --> 00:02:17,264
[cat meowing]
Oh! Ooh! [laughing]
53
00:02:17,264 --> 00:02:20,559
[giggling, moaning]
[shaking, rattling]
54
00:02:20,559 --> 00:02:23,812
[machine revving louder and louder]
‐ Oh... Uh... Oh...
55
00:02:23,812 --> 00:02:26,147
‐ That sounds likea 13!
56
00:02:26,147 --> 00:02:28,149
[Queen Tulip screaming]
57
00:02:28,149 --> 00:02:29,067
[boom]
58
00:02:31,278 --> 00:02:34,281
[meowing]
[electrical fizzling]
59
00:02:34,281 --> 00:02:36,533
‐ Oh my god! The queen is dead!
60
00:02:36,533 --> 00:02:38,535
‐ Da Vinci out!
[clank, whirring]
61
00:02:41,663 --> 00:02:44,791
[zapping]
‐ Ah!
62
00:02:44,791 --> 00:02:47,794
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
63
00:02:54,759 --> 00:02:58,388
[sobbing]
64
00:02:58,388 --> 00:03:00,682
‐ Tulip...
‐ She's in a coma, Your Majesty.
65
00:03:00,682 --> 00:03:03,101
We don't know when or if she'll wake up.
66
00:03:03,101 --> 00:03:04,603
KING MERRIMAN:
Blinkerquartz!
67
00:03:04,603 --> 00:03:06,771
How did this even happen?
68
00:03:06,771 --> 00:03:08,106
[sobbing]
69
00:03:08,106 --> 00:03:11,109
‐ It might be best to read
about it in my written report,
70
00:03:11,109 --> 00:03:13,445
which I might never write.
71
00:03:13,445 --> 00:03:15,238
‐ You! Whoever you are...
72
00:03:15,238 --> 00:03:16,865
‐ I'm Henry, Your Majesty.
73
00:03:16,865 --> 00:03:19,701
I've been your dedicated
servant for 10 years.
74
00:03:19,701 --> 00:03:22,203
You got me this sweater
with this giant bear
75
00:03:22,203 --> 00:03:24,915
and too many bells on it
for Christmas last year.
76
00:03:24,915 --> 00:03:26,374
[jingling]
[King Merriman gasps]
77
00:03:26,374 --> 00:03:29,044
‐ Thoughtless gifts for people
we don't care about
78
00:03:29,044 --> 00:03:32,005
has always been Tulip's job...
79
00:03:32,005 --> 00:03:34,382
Listen, ugly sweater guy,
80
00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:38,053
send word to Blossom at school
and tell her to come home at once.
81
00:03:38,053 --> 00:03:39,971
[bells jingling]
82
00:03:39,971 --> 00:03:44,059
In times like these,
I know what always makes me feel better.
83
00:03:44,059 --> 00:03:46,645
Tulip! Bring me my depression robe
84
00:03:46,645 --> 00:03:48,897
and some hot chamomile tea!
85
00:03:48,897 --> 00:03:50,607
‐ Tulip's in a coma, Your Majesty.
86
00:03:50,607 --> 00:03:53,902
‐ Still? So, I have to get
my depression robe?
87
00:03:53,902 --> 00:03:56,613
I have to do everything around here.
88
00:03:56,613 --> 00:04:00,033
‐ Maybe not for long.
I know this might sound insensitive,
89
00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:02,953
but it's a terrible time for the kingdom
to be without a queen.
90
00:04:02,953 --> 00:04:05,080
Rami IV could invade us at any moment.
91
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,040
We can't afford to look weak right now.
92
00:04:07,040 --> 00:04:08,375
‐ What are you getting at?
93
00:04:08,375 --> 00:04:11,503
‐ I think we should find
a backup queen immediately.
94
00:04:11,503 --> 00:04:12,837
‐ That's outrageous.
95
00:04:12,837 --> 00:04:14,965
‐ Ah, you're right. It's outrageous.
96
00:04:14,965 --> 00:04:16,591
It would be crazy to hold
97
00:04:16,591 --> 00:04:18,718
"The Kingdom's Next Top Queen" pageant
98
00:04:18,718 --> 00:04:21,054
that you yourself always ramble on about
99
00:04:21,054 --> 00:04:22,722
whenever you're drunk.
‐ Hm.
100
00:04:22,722 --> 00:04:26,017
Would there be musical numbers?
Sparkly dresses?
101
00:04:26,017 --> 00:04:28,603
‐ Yes! And we'll make it a competition,
102
00:04:28,603 --> 00:04:30,855
so it seems fun and not gross,
103
00:04:30,855 --> 00:04:32,315
even though we both know it's gross.
104
00:04:32,315 --> 00:04:34,734
‐ I suppose we could give it a go
105
00:04:34,734 --> 00:04:37,320
while we wait for my beloved to wake up.
106
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,489
♪
107
00:04:40,365 --> 00:04:42,784
‐ "The Kingdom's Next Top Queen"?
108
00:04:42,784 --> 00:04:45,620
What kind of sadistic madness is that?
109
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:48,206
She's been in a coma
for less than 30 minutes.
110
00:04:48,206 --> 00:04:50,250
‐ We can't let him be without a queen!
111
00:04:50,250 --> 00:04:53,086
Don't you remember what
he did last time she went away?
112
00:04:53,587 --> 00:04:56,590
[applause]
113
00:04:58,049 --> 00:05:01,261
‐ What we need from you to
start things off is a location.
114
00:05:01,261 --> 00:05:03,889
[snoring]
115
00:05:03,889 --> 00:05:05,891
One location. Anything.
116
00:05:05,891 --> 00:05:08,393
Pick a place. Any place. One place.
117
00:05:09,561 --> 00:05:11,396
Pick a fucking place!
118
00:05:13,064 --> 00:05:15,859
Fuck it! We're doing a purge.
[crowd gasping]
119
00:05:15,859 --> 00:05:17,736
[murmuring]
120
00:05:17,736 --> 00:05:20,113
‐ Ice cream shop?
‐ Too late! Purge!
121
00:05:20,113 --> 00:05:22,282
‐ Purge, motherfucker! [laughs]
‐ No...
122
00:05:22,282 --> 00:05:24,576
[overlapping screaming]
123
00:05:26,077 --> 00:05:28,288
‐ We lost half the population.
124
00:05:28,288 --> 00:05:30,415
‐ I still wake up in a sweat every night,
125
00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:32,500
shouting locations.
126
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,961
But, I think we should give the queen
a little longer to wake up.
127
00:05:34,961 --> 00:05:38,215
‐ No time, my boy!
You're on pageant duty now.
128
00:05:38,215 --> 00:05:39,716
Yoink! There we are.
129
00:05:40,675 --> 00:05:44,012
‐ Fuck pageant duty.
I got you into this, Your Majesty.
130
00:05:44,012 --> 00:05:46,431
I'm gonna find a way to get you out.
131
00:05:46,431 --> 00:05:48,183
♪
132
00:05:48,183 --> 00:05:51,937
‐ Huh? "Do you have what it takes to
be the kingdom's Next Top Queen?
133
00:05:51,937 --> 00:05:55,440
"Weight must reflect wealth.
Hips of son‐bearing width only.
134
00:05:55,440 --> 00:05:56,733
No fuggos."
135
00:05:56,733 --> 00:05:59,986
Well, I'm not a fuggo! Finally,
a chance to show everyone
136
00:05:59,986 --> 00:06:02,906
who mocked me at
Miss Havershim's School for Fuggos
137
00:06:02,906 --> 00:06:05,325
that I was wrongfully admitted!
138
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:08,328
‐ Say no to the misogynistic
beauty pageant!
139
00:06:08,328 --> 00:06:12,123
‐ Yeah! Whatever Anna said!
‐ Our bodies are not our worth!
140
00:06:12,123 --> 00:06:13,917
‐ [whispers] By the way,
Anna, you look great today.
141
00:06:13,917 --> 00:06:15,794
‐ Thanks, Sean. I cut out carbs.
142
00:06:15,794 --> 00:06:18,797
Boycott the pageant!
WOMAN: There's a pageant?
143
00:06:18,797 --> 00:06:21,049
[women screaming, chattering]
144
00:06:21,049 --> 00:06:23,385
‐ New queen? Hear that, Larry?
145
00:06:23,385 --> 00:06:25,178
I'm gonna be queen!
146
00:06:25,178 --> 00:06:27,305
‐ You're already a queen, Bertha.
147
00:06:27,305 --> 00:06:28,890
Queen of the shrews!
148
00:06:28,890 --> 00:06:31,893
♪
149
00:06:32,894 --> 00:06:35,313
‐ Ugh! I knew that bastard
150
00:06:35,313 --> 00:06:37,732
would try to replace Tulip one day.
151
00:06:38,525 --> 00:06:42,779
On the other hand,
if I win one dumb archaic contest,
152
00:06:42,779 --> 00:06:44,614
I get half his loot and the power
153
00:06:44,614 --> 00:06:47,117
to overthrow the kingdom! I'm in.
154
00:06:47,909 --> 00:06:50,704
♪ We're the luckiest girls ♪
155
00:06:50,704 --> 00:06:52,205
♪ In the world ♪
156
00:06:52,205 --> 00:06:53,915
‐ ♪ I'm a 10 ♪
‐ ♪ I'm a 10 ♪
157
00:06:53,915 --> 00:06:55,584
♪ I'm a 3.2! ♪
158
00:06:55,584 --> 00:06:58,420
‐ I can't believe they're actually
going through with this.
159
00:06:58,420 --> 00:07:00,505
I have to try and get them to stop.
160
00:07:00,505 --> 00:07:03,884
[crowd cheering]
161
00:07:03,884 --> 00:07:06,928
♪ True love is fleeting,
that's why we're competing ♪
162
00:07:06,928 --> 00:07:10,348
♪ To be the next queen,
we'll be rolling in green ♪
163
00:07:10,348 --> 00:07:11,850
♪ We want ♪
164
00:07:11,850 --> 00:07:14,519
♪ Money, money, money,
money, money, money... ♪
165
00:07:14,519 --> 00:07:17,355
‐ [sips] They're gonna bleed me dry.
166
00:07:17,355 --> 00:07:19,900
Oh. She's hot. Sparkly dress...
167
00:07:19,900 --> 00:07:22,652
♪ Money, money, money, money! ♪
168
00:07:22,652 --> 00:07:25,655
[cheering and applause]
[whistles]
169
00:07:25,655 --> 00:07:28,241
‐ Their parents must be very proud!
170
00:07:28,241 --> 00:07:31,745
Let's give them all a hand
for singing while walking!
171
00:07:31,745 --> 00:07:35,540
[applause, cheering]
172
00:07:35,540 --> 00:07:37,500
‐ You have to stop this.
173
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,711
This is insane.
‐ Oh, you're right, Patrick.
174
00:07:39,711 --> 00:07:41,254
Absolutely insane.
175
00:07:41,254 --> 00:07:43,882
It's 74 degrees in here!
176
00:07:43,882 --> 00:07:45,592
Those nipples are never gonna pop!
177
00:07:45,592 --> 00:07:48,261
Ice, people! I need ice!
178
00:07:48,261 --> 00:07:51,389
‐ Everyone here is fucking heartless.
179
00:07:51,389 --> 00:07:52,390
[murmuring]
180
00:07:52,390 --> 00:07:54,601
‐ The only reason you
should be in this pageant
181
00:07:54,601 --> 00:07:56,228
is for yourself.
182
00:07:56,228 --> 00:07:59,689
You're all queens who don't need
to do any of this to impress a king!
183
00:07:59,689 --> 00:08:01,316
Now, turn around and bend over
184
00:08:01,316 --> 00:08:03,443
so I can bleach and wax your assholes!
[whirring]
185
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:05,028
♪
186
00:08:05,028 --> 00:08:06,613
[humming, rip]
‐ Ah!
187
00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:10,450
‐ I'm super high and thought
this would be funny.
188
00:08:10,450 --> 00:08:13,203
So far, 10 out of 10 hilarious.
189
00:08:13,203 --> 00:08:15,163
[screaming, ripping]
Why are you here?
190
00:08:15,163 --> 00:08:17,666
‐ I'm just really pretty, right? [laughs]
191
00:08:17,666 --> 00:08:18,792
[whirring]
192
00:08:18,792 --> 00:08:20,001
‐ Ooh! Sorry I'm late.
193
00:08:20,001 --> 00:08:22,712
‐ You're one of Blossom's
ladies‐in‐waiting.
194
00:08:22,712 --> 00:08:23,964
Does she know you're here?
195
00:08:23,964 --> 00:08:26,132
‐ Uh... Sure!
196
00:08:28,510 --> 00:08:30,428
‐ Ivy.
‐ Here!
197
00:08:30,428 --> 00:08:32,180
‐ Human Shield.
‐ [grunts]
198
00:08:32,180 --> 00:08:33,598
‐ Fern.
199
00:08:33,598 --> 00:08:35,433
IVY [high‐pitched]
Present!
200
00:08:40,272 --> 00:08:43,316
‐ Fern, just say "here"
like a normal person,
201
00:08:43,316 --> 00:08:45,235
you pretentious twat!
202
00:08:45,944 --> 00:08:49,114
‐ Working for Blossom is like
getting ass‐fucked with a jalapeno!
203
00:08:49,114 --> 00:08:53,368
But if I'm queen, it will be my
jalapeno doing the ass‐fucking!
204
00:08:53,368 --> 00:08:55,745
‐ Ugh... That's hard to respond to.
205
00:08:55,745 --> 00:08:57,831
♪
206
00:08:57,831 --> 00:08:59,457
‐ [grunts] Oh, sorry.
207
00:08:59,457 --> 00:09:02,294
Mom?! What are you doing here?
208
00:09:02,294 --> 00:09:05,297
‐ Your father wants to see me in
a swimsuit in front of a crowd.
209
00:09:05,297 --> 00:09:07,132
It's his new thing.
Last year,
210
00:09:07,132 --> 00:09:10,218
it was watching me do an erotic dance
while holding three bananas!
211
00:09:11,970 --> 00:09:15,640
[vibrating] This position reminds me
of another thing your father's into!
212
00:09:15,640 --> 00:09:17,559
‐ Ugh! Mom, stop being gross!
[whirring]
213
00:09:17,559 --> 00:09:19,644
‐ Don't kink shame, honey!
214
00:09:19,644 --> 00:09:21,021
[crowd murmuring]
215
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,898
‐ Oh, come on, sir, cheer up.
216
00:09:22,898 --> 00:09:25,400
We all miss Queen What's‐Her‐Face‐‐
217
00:09:25,400 --> 00:09:27,235
‐ Tulip!
‐ Right, Queen Dollop.
218
00:09:27,235 --> 00:09:30,155
But, look around.
You're the envy of every man
219
00:09:30,155 --> 00:09:31,865
and the desire of every woman.
220
00:09:31,865 --> 00:09:34,075
‐ Nothing you say can cheer me up.
221
00:09:34,075 --> 00:09:36,411
[grunting, straining]
[sloshing]
222
00:09:36,411 --> 00:09:39,539
‐ And now, every man's fantasy.
223
00:09:39,539 --> 00:09:43,376
Women slithering around in goo
made from melted‐down horse hooves!
224
00:09:43,376 --> 00:09:45,921
Let the gelatin wrestling begin!
225
00:09:45,921 --> 00:09:48,256
[crowd cheering]
‐ Ooh! There's always room for gelatin.
226
00:09:48,256 --> 00:09:51,176
[grunting, yelling]
[splattering]
227
00:09:51,176 --> 00:09:53,345
‐ It's somehow more erotic
228
00:09:53,345 --> 00:09:55,722
watching with a friend.
[women yelling]
229
00:09:55,722 --> 00:09:56,765
♪
230
00:09:56,765 --> 00:09:57,766
[sighs]
231
00:09:57,766 --> 00:10:01,269
‐ I've gotta find a way
to help you out of this,
232
00:10:01,269 --> 00:10:02,979
but how?
‐ How indeed!
233
00:10:02,979 --> 00:10:05,148
‐ Ah! What the fuck! Who are you?
234
00:10:05,565 --> 00:10:07,275
‐ Sir Blemish, at your service!
235
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:10,946
If you need a bedpan emptied
or a lesson learned, I'm your man.
236
00:10:10,946 --> 00:10:12,656
‐ Wait, you're a knight?
237
00:10:12,656 --> 00:10:14,824
‐ I sure am!
‐ But, you're...
238
00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:17,953
‐ Elbow‐deep in people juice?
I used to be a top‐ranking knight
239
00:10:17,953 --> 00:10:20,497
until the year I drew the king
for Secret Santa.
240
00:10:20,497 --> 00:10:22,207
I couldn't think of the right gift,
panicked,
241
00:10:22,207 --> 00:10:24,334
and shoved a bunch of
yarn into a paper bag.
242
00:10:24,334 --> 00:10:25,919
I was demoted on the spot.
243
00:10:25,919 --> 00:10:28,630
‐ That's why the gift is
supposed to be secret.
244
00:10:28,630 --> 00:10:31,341
‐ I know that now. Anyway,
one day, you're on top of the world,
245
00:10:31,341 --> 00:10:33,009
and the next, you're a piss jockey.
246
00:10:33,009 --> 00:10:34,803
But, that's the life of a knight!
[sloshing]
247
00:10:34,803 --> 00:10:38,431
‐ Well, I'm going to wake up Queen Tulip,
no matter how long it takes.
248
00:10:38,431 --> 00:10:41,142
‐ Well, according to royal rule,
if a new queen is crowned,
249
00:10:41,142 --> 00:10:43,353
Tulip will go back to being
Tulip Anderson,
250
00:10:43,353 --> 00:10:45,063
and she'll do what most former queens do.
251
00:10:45,063 --> 00:10:47,607
Sell makeup to her friends
in an escalating pyramid scheme
252
00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:50,193
until she alienates everyone
who's ever cared about her.
253
00:10:50,193 --> 00:10:53,363
‐ I won't let that happen. I promise.
254
00:10:53,363 --> 00:10:55,865
‐ I'll help!
I just gotta empty this first.
255
00:10:55,865 --> 00:10:57,534
[gulping]
256
00:10:57,534 --> 00:10:59,911
‐ [gagging] Oh, hell no!
257
00:10:59,911 --> 00:11:00,912
[satisfied sigh]
258
00:11:02,881 --> 00:11:04,165
♪
259
00:11:04,165 --> 00:11:06,751
‐ Excuse me?
We're looking for medical books
260
00:11:06,751 --> 00:11:10,130
focused on women,
preferably with a lot of pictures.
261
00:11:11,047 --> 00:11:12,424
‐ Why?
262
00:11:12,424 --> 00:11:15,552
‐ Well, we're trying to wake
the queen up from her coma.
263
00:11:16,636 --> 00:11:18,597
‐ Women In Comas.
264
00:11:18,597 --> 00:11:20,348
Aisle 23.
265
00:11:20,348 --> 00:11:22,851
[pages turning]
266
00:11:23,393 --> 00:11:25,937
‐ Why are so many fairy tales
about unconscious women?
267
00:11:25,937 --> 00:11:27,272
‐ Wish fulfillment!
268
00:11:27,272 --> 00:11:30,567
Ooh! This one looks interesting!
PATRICK: That's not what you think it is.
269
00:11:31,109 --> 00:11:33,028
[muttering]
270
00:11:33,028 --> 00:11:34,821
[gasp] I think I know what to do!
271
00:11:36,448 --> 00:11:38,533
‐ This is just about a legume!
272
00:11:38,533 --> 00:11:40,201
How disgusting!
273
00:11:40,201 --> 00:11:42,454
♪
274
00:11:42,454 --> 00:11:43,955
[cape whipping]
275
00:11:44,915 --> 00:11:47,083
‐ Are‐are you sure you know what to do?
276
00:11:47,083 --> 00:11:50,921
‐ I'm a dashing prince.
It's my job to wake up sleeping beauties.
277
00:11:50,921 --> 00:11:53,924
♪ romantic music swells ♪
278
00:11:56,009 --> 00:11:59,471
I respect you. I would very much like it
if you woke up on your own time.
279
00:11:59,471 --> 00:12:01,097
I honor your boundaries.
280
00:12:01,097 --> 00:12:04,100
Now everyone, give her some space!
That's the final step.
281
00:12:05,894 --> 00:12:09,105
‐ Aren't you supposed to kiss her?
‐ Kiss an unconscious woman?
282
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:10,899
I'm not falling for that one again.
283
00:12:10,899 --> 00:12:12,192
Harrumph!
284
00:12:12,859 --> 00:12:14,945
♪
285
00:12:14,945 --> 00:12:17,364
‐ We can't bring her out of her coma,
286
00:12:17,364 --> 00:12:19,407
but we can offer an around‐the‐clock
287
00:12:19,407 --> 00:12:22,244
seven‐pronged security system if you like.
288
00:12:23,286 --> 00:12:25,872
‐ If you're here,
who's guarding Snow White?
289
00:12:25,872 --> 00:12:29,167
‐ Oh, don't worry about it.
She's safe in her secure glass case.
290
00:12:29,167 --> 00:12:30,502
[birds chirping]
291
00:12:30,502 --> 00:12:33,505
[snarling, growling]
292
00:12:36,049 --> 00:12:39,844
I mean, she's probably fine, right?
293
00:12:39,844 --> 00:12:42,138
♪
294
00:12:42,138 --> 00:12:44,724
‐ I'm here to put your queen
295
00:12:44,724 --> 00:12:46,935
into a coma!
296
00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:49,938
‐ Ugh! She's already in a coma!
297
00:12:49,938 --> 00:12:52,607
‐ Damn, I'm good! Nice job, Ethel!
298
00:12:52,607 --> 00:12:54,276
[crunch, gagging]
299
00:12:54,985 --> 00:12:58,238
‐ Oh my god!
‐ Ah! That's just a bit I do.
300
00:12:58,238 --> 00:13:00,782
[crackling laughter]
[sighs]
301
00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:02,200
‐ You're funny.
302
00:13:02,200 --> 00:13:03,952
So, do you like piss?
[sloshing]
303
00:13:03,952 --> 00:13:05,036
‐ Wha...
304
00:13:05,036 --> 00:13:07,706
♪
305
00:13:07,706 --> 00:13:09,958
[crunching]
306
00:13:09,958 --> 00:13:12,460
[bell ringing]
[crowd cheering]
307
00:13:14,045 --> 00:13:16,298
[panting, grunting]
308
00:13:16,298 --> 00:13:18,258
[bell ringing]
309
00:13:18,258 --> 00:13:20,594
‐ [Australian accent on mic]
Ooh! She just went down unda!
310
00:13:20,594 --> 00:13:23,221
‐ That was Fern with a very weird talent.
311
00:13:23,221 --> 00:13:25,932
Our next contestant has
another weird talent called
312
00:13:25,932 --> 00:13:27,767
Mongolian throat singing!
313
00:13:27,767 --> 00:13:30,770
I don't know what that is,
but I like the word throat.
314
00:13:30,770 --> 00:13:33,064
‐ I'm Trina, and if I win,
315
00:13:33,064 --> 00:13:35,275
I'm gonna use the money to go to college!
316
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:37,444
[crowd cheering]
317
00:13:37,444 --> 00:13:38,570
[clears throat]
318
00:13:39,154 --> 00:13:42,365
[playing morin khuur]
319
00:13:42,365 --> 00:13:45,869
♪ throat singing ♪
320
00:13:48,830 --> 00:13:50,916
[crying]
321
00:13:50,916 --> 00:13:53,835
‐ Brava! [crying]
322
00:13:53,835 --> 00:13:56,254
‐ That was a disaster. Somehow,
323
00:13:56,254 --> 00:13:58,840
she's even more comatose
than she was before,
324
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,301
and we're running out of time!
What do we do?
325
00:14:01,301 --> 00:14:03,803
‐ There's only one thing we can do.
326
00:14:05,931 --> 00:14:07,349
Forgive me, my queen.
327
00:14:08,892 --> 00:14:12,145
It's the merciful thing to do!
‐ What are you doing?!
328
00:14:12,145 --> 00:14:15,232
[yelling, struggling]
329
00:14:16,233 --> 00:14:17,400
[rip]
[Patrick grunts]
330
00:14:19,069 --> 00:14:20,487
‐ [gasps] That's it!
331
00:14:20,487 --> 00:14:23,323
We need to find the inventor
of this machine to reverse it!
332
00:14:23,323 --> 00:14:25,492
His name is Fettuccine da Vinci.
333
00:14:25,492 --> 00:14:27,953
‐ Like Leonardo?
FETTUCCINE: Nothing like that
334
00:14:27,953 --> 00:14:31,206
bullshit‐hack‐architect‐wannabe‐asswad!
335
00:14:32,624 --> 00:14:34,626
[birds chirping]
336
00:14:34,626 --> 00:14:37,254
When I flew, I gota stucka.
337
00:14:37,254 --> 00:14:39,005
Been herea the whole time.
338
00:14:39,005 --> 00:14:41,466
Wasn't it weird when that guy drank pee?
339
00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:44,511
‐ [clearing throat loudly]
‐ Oh, that was you?
340
00:14:44,511 --> 00:14:47,597
I gotta be honest, that wasa disgusting.
341
00:14:47,597 --> 00:14:49,849
I mean, Gesùs Cristos, dude.
342
00:14:49,849 --> 00:14:50,850
♪ death metal ♪
343
00:14:50,850 --> 00:14:54,312
♪ Swords and ships
and gold and dicks! ♪
344
00:14:54,312 --> 00:14:56,481
[guitar solo]
345
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:01,736
[grunting to music]
346
00:15:01,736 --> 00:15:02,737
[crowd cheering]
347
00:15:02,737 --> 00:15:05,407
‐ Next up, the oratory part
of the competition!
348
00:15:05,407 --> 00:15:06,783
KING MERRIMAN:
Woo!
349
00:15:06,783 --> 00:15:08,702
‐ Oratory, not oral.
350
00:15:08,702 --> 00:15:09,744
KING MERRIMAN:
Boo!
351
00:15:09,744 --> 00:15:11,830
‐ But they will be in bathing suits!
352
00:15:11,830 --> 00:15:13,582
[crowd and King Merriman cheering]
353
00:15:13,582 --> 00:15:15,292
‐ I often reflect on the fact that
354
00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:18,128
we're only a small part
of the big universe.
355
00:15:18,128 --> 00:15:20,171
And if you stood far enough away
356
00:15:20,171 --> 00:15:21,464
and looked back at us,
357
00:15:21,464 --> 00:15:23,884
we'd be nothing more
than a tiny blue speck
358
00:15:23,884 --> 00:15:25,635
in the midst of vastness,
359
00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:29,055
completely insignificant.
360
00:15:29,055 --> 00:15:31,141
[coughing]
361
00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:32,809
‐ The question was,
362
00:15:32,809 --> 00:15:35,478
have you ever kissed a girl, and if so,
363
00:15:35,478 --> 00:15:36,980
how much?
‐ But‐‐
364
00:15:36,980 --> 00:15:39,733
‐ Stacy, there's a lot of tension
between rulers right now.
365
00:15:39,733 --> 00:15:41,610
As the Kingdom's Next Top Queen,
366
00:15:41,610 --> 00:15:44,279
how would you keep us from going to war?
367
00:15:44,279 --> 00:15:47,532
‐ Um, I think that we should
help other kingdoms and such,
368
00:15:47,532 --> 00:15:50,160
and the kingdoms need kings and such.
369
00:15:50,160 --> 00:15:52,120
And my dog is my best friend,
370
00:15:52,120 --> 00:15:54,581
and my dog won't eat vegetables,
371
00:15:54,581 --> 00:15:58,418
which is bad because vegetables
are good... and such.
372
00:15:58,418 --> 00:16:00,045
Also, in college,
373
00:16:00,045 --> 00:16:02,297
I kissed a girl and such.
374
00:16:02,297 --> 00:16:04,299
[cheering]
375
00:16:04,299 --> 00:16:06,635
‐ Congratulations!
That's the correct answer!
376
00:16:06,635 --> 00:16:08,428
‐ Just give her the crown!
377
00:16:08,428 --> 00:16:10,555
Tulip would think she's super hot!
378
00:16:10,555 --> 00:16:12,057
♪
379
00:16:12,057 --> 00:16:13,558
[wind blowing]
380
00:16:19,064 --> 00:16:21,191
‐ Red to red, black to black.
381
00:16:21,191 --> 00:16:23,985
‐ If this doesn't work,
the king will have you beheaded.
382
00:16:23,985 --> 00:16:26,279
‐ Ha! You hear that, Leonardo?
383
00:16:26,279 --> 00:16:28,782
I'm so dangerous, I might be beheaded!
384
00:16:28,782 --> 00:16:32,118
Bet your little fucking paintings
never gota this much heat!
385
00:16:32,118 --> 00:16:33,536
[thunder rumbling]
386
00:16:33,536 --> 00:16:35,997
Quickly! A convenient storm is rolling in!
387
00:16:36,957 --> 00:16:38,500
[thunder, zapping]
388
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:41,670
[fizzling]
389
00:16:42,837 --> 00:16:43,755
[zap]
390
00:16:44,506 --> 00:16:47,133
‐ It's working! She's alive!
391
00:16:47,133 --> 00:16:48,385
[wind blowing]
392
00:16:50,178 --> 00:16:52,180
‐ Did I do it? Did I fix it?
393
00:16:53,682 --> 00:16:54,933
‐ Uh...
394
00:16:54,933 --> 00:16:55,934
♪
395
00:17:00,188 --> 00:17:02,399
‐ You really disappointed me, Fettuccine!
396
00:17:02,399 --> 00:17:04,192
‐ Dad? Is thata you? No?
397
00:17:04,192 --> 00:17:06,111
Then shuta the fuck up!
398
00:17:06,111 --> 00:17:08,280
‐ We have to find the queen
before it's too late!
399
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:10,198
‐ If you see her, remind her to hydrate.
400
00:17:10,198 --> 00:17:13,034
Things are looking a little brown
in pee‐pee town.
401
00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:15,954
‐ Will you stop following me?
And put down that bedpan!
402
00:17:15,954 --> 00:17:17,455
[panting]
403
00:17:19,040 --> 00:17:22,586
‐ And now, the moment
you've all been waiting for!
404
00:17:22,586 --> 00:17:24,796
King Merriman will crown the kingdom's
405
00:17:24,796 --> 00:17:26,715
Next Top Queen!
406
00:17:26,715 --> 00:17:29,134
Making it as if Queen Tulip never existed.
407
00:17:30,010 --> 00:17:32,262
‐ Ah!
[King Merriman laughing]
408
00:17:32,721 --> 00:17:35,181
[panting]
[crowd gasping]
409
00:17:35,181 --> 00:17:36,182
No!
410
00:17:36,182 --> 00:17:37,517
King Merriman,
411
00:17:37,517 --> 00:17:39,019
stop!
412
00:17:39,019 --> 00:17:42,772
‐ Patrick, if you want to compete,
you need to go back to the beginning.
413
00:17:42,772 --> 00:17:44,024
Get this man a bikini!
414
00:17:44,024 --> 00:17:46,985
‐ Sire, Queen Tulip is awake...
and missing...
415
00:17:46,985 --> 00:17:49,487
and probably really mad.
[thunder]
416
00:17:49,487 --> 00:17:51,114
[screaming]
[crowd gasping]
417
00:17:51,114 --> 00:17:53,241
‐ No! New Tulip!
418
00:17:53,241 --> 00:17:55,619
[approaching stomping]
419
00:17:55,619 --> 00:17:57,704
[loud stomping]
420
00:17:57,704 --> 00:17:58,955
[zapping, thunder]
421
00:17:58,955 --> 00:18:01,207
[gasps, screaming]
422
00:18:01,833 --> 00:18:04,336
‐ Hooray! Oh, Tulip...
423
00:18:04,336 --> 00:18:06,004
[electric fizzling]
[growling]
424
00:18:06,463 --> 00:18:08,298
Sugar plum, you're awake‐‐
425
00:18:08,298 --> 00:18:09,382
[zap]
[Blinkerquartz screaming]
426
00:18:09,382 --> 00:18:11,384
‐ Don't "sugar plum" me!
427
00:18:11,384 --> 00:18:14,054
I was in a masturbation
coma for a few hours,
428
00:18:14,054 --> 00:18:17,599
and you move to replace me
with some barely legal trollop?!
429
00:18:17,599 --> 00:18:20,727
I should put everyone
in this room to death!
430
00:18:20,727 --> 00:18:23,063
[click, whirring]
‐ Arriva‐da‐Vinci!
431
00:18:23,063 --> 00:18:24,564
Ah!
[bang, smash]
432
00:18:26,149 --> 00:18:29,569
I'm okay! Wow, it'sa dusty up here!
433
00:18:29,569 --> 00:18:30,487
[electric fizzling]
434
00:18:30,487 --> 00:18:32,364
‐ This is a misunderstanding.
435
00:18:32,364 --> 00:18:34,324
I didn't want to replace you,
436
00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:36,576
but, politically, I had to.
437
00:18:36,576 --> 00:18:38,161
Then, I wanted to
438
00:18:38,161 --> 00:18:39,913
because there was musical numbers
439
00:18:39,913 --> 00:18:41,414
and gelatin!
‐ Hyah!
440
00:18:41,414 --> 00:18:42,332
[crowd gasps]
441
00:18:42,332 --> 00:18:45,418
This might be my fried brain
and bruised cervix talking,
442
00:18:45,418 --> 00:18:47,337
but maybe we don't need a king.
443
00:18:47,337 --> 00:18:51,341
Welcome to Queenstown, motherfuckers!
444
00:18:51,341 --> 00:18:53,009
[electric fizzling]
445
00:18:53,802 --> 00:18:54,928
‐ Is she dead yet?
446
00:18:54,928 --> 00:18:58,515
Make the inheritance check out to
Awesome Blossom. It's my LLC.
447
00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:01,935
‐ Not now, petal.
Mommy and Daddy are having a disagreement.
448
00:19:01,935 --> 00:19:04,854
Mommy thinks Daddy should die,
Daddy disagrees.
449
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:06,356
‐ She's not dead?
450
00:19:06,356 --> 00:19:09,234
I'm missing Salisbury steak day at school.
451
00:19:09,234 --> 00:19:11,152
One of you better fucking die!
452
00:19:11,152 --> 00:19:14,114
‐ Oh, one of us is gonna die.
[zap]
453
00:19:14,114 --> 00:19:16,324
‐ Ah! Ow! Ah! Ah!
454
00:19:18,326 --> 00:19:20,662
‐ Damn. I knew it was too good to last.
455
00:19:20,662 --> 00:19:21,705
Hyah!
[King Merriman gasping]
456
00:19:21,705 --> 00:19:25,375
‐ But if she kills Merriman,
the whole kingdom will collapse.
457
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:28,712
[snorting]
458
00:19:28,712 --> 00:19:30,088
♪
459
00:19:30,088 --> 00:19:33,466
I am really sorry, Blossom,
but this is for the greater good.
460
00:19:33,466 --> 00:19:35,552
‐ You're a weird dude, Patrick.
461
00:19:35,552 --> 00:19:37,512
[crowd gasps]
[Blossom screaming]
462
00:19:37,512 --> 00:19:39,598
‐ [stilted] Oh no! Tulip!
463
00:19:39,598 --> 00:19:43,184
Merriman!
I guess you better stop fighting
464
00:19:43,184 --> 00:19:44,686
and help your daughter!
465
00:19:45,353 --> 00:19:46,688
BOTH:
Blossom!
466
00:19:46,688 --> 00:19:48,857
‐ Patrick, you fucking dick!
467
00:19:48,857 --> 00:19:50,859
‐ Ah! Holy shit!
468
00:19:50,859 --> 00:19:53,528
‐ Fern? But you were
in roll call this morning!
469
00:19:53,528 --> 00:19:54,905
[stomping, snort]
470
00:19:56,072 --> 00:19:57,449
Oh my god,
471
00:19:57,449 --> 00:19:59,993
were you trying to win sex with my dad?!
472
00:19:59,993 --> 00:20:01,578
‐ Princess Blossom, behind you!
473
00:20:02,329 --> 00:20:04,289
[snort]
‐ Oh shit.
474
00:20:04,289 --> 00:20:05,415
Oh!
475
00:20:05,415 --> 00:20:07,417
‐ Tulip! Use your weird devil eyes!
476
00:20:07,417 --> 00:20:09,419
‐ I'm out of juice, you idiot!
477
00:20:09,419 --> 00:20:11,379
♪
478
00:20:11,379 --> 00:20:12,422
[both grunt]
479
00:20:13,340 --> 00:20:15,425
[King Merriman gasping]
‐ I don't need to be rescued.
480
00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:17,677
I'm a grown woman,
not some little bitch.
481
00:20:18,595 --> 00:20:20,597
Ah!
[Queen Tulip grunts, strains]
482
00:20:21,514 --> 00:20:24,184
‐ Who else has a violence boner?
Eh? Raise your dicks.
483
00:20:24,184 --> 00:20:26,186
‐ Daddy! Get us outta here!
484
00:20:27,103 --> 00:20:28,313
♪
485
00:20:28,313 --> 00:20:29,940
‐ [gasps] Human centipede!
486
00:20:29,940 --> 00:20:32,442
BLOSSOM/TULIP: What?
‐ I mean human ladder!
487
00:20:33,026 --> 00:20:36,279
[grunting in effort]
488
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:40,116
Ah, I got the fucking shaft.
And it was my idea.
489
00:20:40,116 --> 00:20:41,534
‐ Hold on. We'll get a rope.
490
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:44,037
[stomping]
491
00:20:44,037 --> 00:20:46,039
[snorting]
492
00:20:46,039 --> 00:20:48,208
♪
493
00:20:48,208 --> 00:20:50,710
‐ No. I deserve this.
494
00:20:50,710 --> 00:20:52,337
[snort]
495
00:20:53,380 --> 00:20:54,464
[whooshing]
496
00:20:55,257 --> 00:20:58,051
[punch]
[slow‐motion screaming]
497
00:20:58,051 --> 00:21:01,054
[bell ringing]
[stomping]
498
00:21:02,806 --> 00:21:05,892
This bastard's having a heart attack!
I have to save him!
499
00:21:05,892 --> 00:21:07,727
Or her. I‐I shouldn't assume.
500
00:21:07,727 --> 00:21:09,563
♪
501
00:21:09,563 --> 00:21:11,856
[panting]
502
00:21:11,856 --> 00:21:13,692
[blowing]
503
00:21:13,692 --> 00:21:16,987
My self‐sacrifice gets
really muddled if you die!
504
00:21:17,904 --> 00:21:20,282
[crying]
505
00:21:20,282 --> 00:21:23,618
I couldn't save him. Or her.
506
00:21:23,618 --> 00:21:26,538
[sobbing]
507
00:21:30,709 --> 00:21:33,295
♪ heavenly music ♪
508
00:21:33,295 --> 00:21:35,797
[gasps] It was a her.
509
00:21:35,797 --> 00:21:38,383
Don't worry! I saved the kid!
510
00:21:39,551 --> 00:21:40,552
[thud, snap]
511
00:21:42,095 --> 00:21:45,515
That is a very unlucky gene pool.
512
00:21:45,515 --> 00:21:46,975
♪
513
00:21:46,975 --> 00:21:49,477
‐ Everything worked out in the end.
514
00:21:49,477 --> 00:21:51,855
‐ Well, the queen is alive
and back on the throne,
515
00:21:51,855 --> 00:21:54,274
but it was my fault in the first place.
516
00:21:54,274 --> 00:21:57,652
No matter what I do,
I always seem to screw things up.
517
00:21:57,652 --> 00:22:00,488
Sometimes, I wonder if
I'm even meant to be a knight.
518
00:22:00,488 --> 00:22:01,781
Did you ever wonder that?
519
00:22:01,781 --> 00:22:03,992
[gulping]
520
00:22:03,992 --> 00:22:06,453
Eh, know what? Never mind.
BLOSSOM: Shh!
521
00:22:06,453 --> 00:22:08,872
[whispering]
This is a funeral. Christ!
522
00:22:08,872 --> 00:22:10,790
Have some goddamn respect.
523
00:22:10,790 --> 00:22:14,044
[morin khuur playing]
524
00:22:14,044 --> 00:22:17,047
♪ Mongolian throat singing ♪
525
00:22:25,138 --> 00:22:27,849
[sniffling]
526
00:22:28,725 --> 00:22:31,186
‐ [quietly] So, we're all good, right?
527
00:22:31,186 --> 00:22:34,314
‐ As far as the kingdom
and our reputation are concerned, yes.
528
00:22:34,314 --> 00:22:37,567
As far as you and I are concerned,
absolutely fucking not.
529
00:22:37,567 --> 00:22:39,569
‐ Because of the me‐replacing‐you thing?!
530
00:22:41,196 --> 00:22:43,156
You're right. That was bad.
531
00:22:43,156 --> 00:22:45,659
I'm sorry. And now, you forgive me.
532
00:22:45,659 --> 00:22:46,910
[Queen Tulip groans]
533
00:22:46,910 --> 00:22:48,912
[crying]
534
00:22:48,912 --> 00:22:50,789
‐ Oh, she forgives me.
535
00:22:50,789 --> 00:22:53,416
‐ That kangaroo was a rental!
536
00:22:53,416 --> 00:22:56,461
I lost my deposit!
537
00:22:56,461 --> 00:22:59,297
[sobbing]
538
00:23:01,174 --> 00:23:04,177
♪ whistling ♪
539
00:23:09,015 --> 00:23:12,060
♪ ominous music ♪
540
00:23:14,104 --> 00:23:15,564
♪ dramatic sting ♪
541
00:23:18,483 --> 00:23:19,609
[squishing]
542
00:23:25,865 --> 00:23:28,535
[wolves howling]
543
00:23:29,452 --> 00:23:32,455
♪
544
00:24:02,485 --> 00:24:05,447
[8‐bit video game music]
545
00:24:05,447 --> 00:24:07,324
KID:
That was amazing.
546
00:24:07,324 --> 00:24:09,326
[paper cutting, monkey hoots, clap]