1
00:00:01,044 --> 00:00:03,547
♪
2
00:00:03,547 --> 00:00:05,632
[hammering]
3
00:00:07,133 --> 00:00:08,843
[creaking]
4
00:00:08,843 --> 00:00:10,637
[hammering]
[chomp]
5
00:00:13,223 --> 00:00:16,935
‐ King Merriman! You're not
supposed to take more gems!
6
00:00:16,935 --> 00:00:19,604
They're cursed!
‐ Sorry, I can't hear your nonsense.
7
00:00:19,604 --> 00:00:22,691
I have these cursed gems in my ears.
[popping]
8
00:00:22,691 --> 00:00:24,818
‐ You have to stop.
The castle's nearly done,
9
00:00:24,818 --> 00:00:27,362
what more can you do?
‐ Glad you asked.
10
00:00:27,362 --> 00:00:30,407
King Randy doesn't have
a giant emerald dong on his castle,
11
00:00:30,407 --> 00:00:33,910
with a clock in it.
I call it my Cock Tower.
12
00:00:33,910 --> 00:00:36,746
Feast your eyes, Randy! Cock Tower!
13
00:00:36,746 --> 00:00:40,292
I just wish I could let all
the kings know how wealthy I am.
14
00:00:40,292 --> 00:00:43,837
But how do I quickly get word out
that I'm rich and everyone else is poor?
15
00:00:43,837 --> 00:00:46,047
‐ Oh! [laughs] Guess who's pregnant?
16
00:00:46,047 --> 00:00:48,800
‐ Good Christ, woman,
we've just got back on our feet!
17
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:50,760
‐ Not me, you dim‐witted chode.
18
00:00:50,760 --> 00:00:53,263
Topher and Collette's daughter, Druella!
19
00:00:53,263 --> 00:00:55,557
Knocked up by the landscaper's son.
20
00:00:55,557 --> 00:00:57,392
[evil laughter]
‐ Good luck marrying that off.
21
00:00:57,392 --> 00:01:01,229
They must be humiliated.
‐ [laughing] This is a good day.
22
00:01:01,229 --> 00:01:03,023
‐ Wait, how do you know all this?
23
00:01:03,023 --> 00:01:04,733
‐ From Blossom's boarding school.
24
00:01:04,733 --> 00:01:07,444
Seems like things haven't changed
since I was a student there.
25
00:01:07,444 --> 00:01:09,571
It's still a hot bed of gossip.
26
00:01:09,571 --> 00:01:11,615
A hot gos‐bed. [laughs]
27
00:01:11,615 --> 00:01:13,783
God! I'm fucking hilarious.
28
00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:15,118
‐ Hm...
29
00:01:15,619 --> 00:01:18,330
PRINCIPAL PINION:
And congratulations to the debate club
30
00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:19,831
who took top scores at
31
00:01:19,831 --> 00:01:23,001
the Accusing‐The‐Maid‐Of‐
Stealing‐The‐Silverware nationals.
32
00:01:23,001 --> 00:01:26,463
Fifty‐three fired maids,
a world record.
33
00:01:26,463 --> 00:01:27,797
[quiet cheering, applause]
34
00:01:27,797 --> 00:01:30,342
Now, to close out our
morning announcements,
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00:01:30,342 --> 00:01:33,845
please let me introduce
King Merriman, who, quote,
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00:01:33,845 --> 00:01:35,680
"Has a big‐ass secret to tell you,
37
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:38,850
and also loves his daughter
Blossom very much."
38
00:01:38,850 --> 00:01:41,895
[laughter]
‐ Oh my god...
39
00:01:41,895 --> 00:01:43,772
‐ [growls] Goddammit, Dad!
40
00:01:44,522 --> 00:01:47,525
♪ medieval theme playing ♪
41
00:01:53,782 --> 00:01:56,243
[applause]
42
00:01:56,243 --> 00:01:59,079
‐ Presenting my gift to your school:
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00:01:59,079 --> 00:02:01,331
The King Merriman Mindfulness Center
44
00:02:01,331 --> 00:02:03,333
Slash Butterfly Sanctuary.
45
00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,794
Butterflies are basically sexy moths,
46
00:02:05,794 --> 00:02:07,504
so why wouldn't I save them?
47
00:02:07,504 --> 00:02:09,756
[yawning, stretching]
[snoring]
48
00:02:09,756 --> 00:02:11,216
‐ You're losing them.
49
00:02:11,216 --> 00:02:13,927
Tell them what you're
about to say is a secret.
50
00:02:13,927 --> 00:02:15,262
‐ What I'm about to say
51
00:02:15,262 --> 00:02:17,222
is a secret.
‐ Did he say a secret?
52
00:02:17,222 --> 00:02:19,724
‐ Is the secret that you sit to pee?
53
00:02:19,724 --> 00:02:21,393
‐ My secret is...
54
00:02:21,393 --> 00:02:24,104
my kingdom has more gems than dirt.
55
00:02:24,104 --> 00:02:26,231
I'm basically ejaculating
gold at this point.
56
00:02:26,231 --> 00:02:28,108
‐ I replaced my nipples with gems.
57
00:02:28,108 --> 00:02:29,442
[sparkling]
[crowd gasps]
58
00:02:29,442 --> 00:02:32,195
‐ Keep your tits in your top, vodka‐veins!
59
00:02:32,195 --> 00:02:35,282
‐ Please do not tell anyone
about our extraordinary wealth,
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00:02:35,282 --> 00:02:37,742
especially not your
king and queen parents.
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00:02:37,742 --> 00:02:41,288
I'm looking at you, Druella.
[crowd gasps, murmuring]
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00:02:41,288 --> 00:02:44,207
‐ To honor this generous,
unnecessary gift,
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00:02:44,207 --> 00:02:47,836
the Silver Spoons will kick off
the dedication ceremony.
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♪ Ooh... ♪
65
00:02:50,213 --> 00:02:53,216
♪ singing out of tune ♪
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00:02:55,719 --> 00:02:57,888
[singing ends]
‐ Ugh! Which one of you is flat?
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00:02:57,888 --> 00:03:00,640
‐ [hissing] I'm a dragon...
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[screaming]
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[crash]
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‐ My greenhouse!
‐ My soloist!
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00:03:05,812 --> 00:03:07,063
‐ [hoarse] My larynx.
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00:03:07,063 --> 00:03:09,983
[hissing, panting]
‐ This student is on drugs!
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00:03:09,983 --> 00:03:11,526
‐ Drugs? I know drugs.
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00:03:11,526 --> 00:03:13,778
Three of my three siblings are on drugs.
[growling]
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00:03:13,778 --> 00:03:17,115
No drug abuser heals without
addressing the underlying issues.
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00:03:17,782 --> 00:03:21,077
[loud, slow]
How's your relationship with your parents?
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00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:23,079
‐ Wrong! You gotta sweat that shit out.
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00:03:23,079 --> 00:03:24,915
[grunts] We're going for a jog.
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00:03:24,915 --> 00:03:26,458
[whispering]
80
00:03:26,458 --> 00:03:29,586
‐ Let's not let this distract
from my wife's gem nipples!
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00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:32,214
And my generous donation
of a mindfulness center
82
00:03:32,214 --> 00:03:34,758
slash butterfly sanctuary!
BARB: I'm a dragon!
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00:03:34,758 --> 00:03:37,052
Ah! [hissing]
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00:03:37,052 --> 00:03:38,470
[crash]
[crowd screaming]
85
00:03:38,470 --> 00:03:40,889
‐ Fucking damn it! The sexy moths!
86
00:03:41,556 --> 00:03:42,974
[hawk screeches]
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00:03:43,433 --> 00:03:44,517
[growl, chirp]
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00:03:44,517 --> 00:03:46,061
[crunching]
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00:03:46,061 --> 00:03:47,687
It's a massacre!
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00:03:47,687 --> 00:03:50,190
[crowd screaming]
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00:03:50,190 --> 00:03:52,692
We have to put a stop to this drug crisis!
92
00:03:52,692 --> 00:03:55,862
‐ Agreed! We've never had
a drug problem here before.
93
00:03:55,862 --> 00:03:58,198
‐ I mean, how else will word
get out to the other kingdoms
94
00:03:58,198 --> 00:03:59,908
how rich and powerful I've become
95
00:03:59,908 --> 00:04:02,619
if everyone's worried about their
dumbass druggie daughters?
96
00:04:02,619 --> 00:04:06,164
Wasted schoolgirls is a way
sexier story than my gems.
97
00:04:06,164 --> 00:04:07,832
‐ Ahem!
‐ I mean,
98
00:04:07,832 --> 00:04:10,126
I‐I'm so worried about the kids.
99
00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:11,795
It's all about those kids.
100
00:04:11,795 --> 00:04:15,298
‐ Our little girl goes here, and she's
very susceptible to peer pressure.
101
00:04:15,298 --> 00:04:18,635
If there are drugs,
she will absolutely do the drugs.
102
00:04:18,635 --> 00:04:20,845
‐ That's it. I'm putting
my best men on the case.
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00:04:20,845 --> 00:04:23,765
[grunting, struggling, smash]
[scraping]
104
00:04:24,266 --> 00:04:26,059
Um, I'm putting my...
105
00:04:26,059 --> 00:04:28,812
most easy‐to‐reach men on the case.
106
00:04:28,812 --> 00:04:31,898
[whispering]
107
00:04:33,775 --> 00:04:35,360
MUSIC TEACHER:
Exciting news, everyone.
108
00:04:35,360 --> 00:04:37,737
Gina's in the hospital
due to a missing larynx.
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00:04:37,737 --> 00:04:39,155
[cheering]
110
00:04:39,155 --> 00:04:40,991
That is not the exciting news.
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00:04:41,992 --> 00:04:45,704
Since Gina will no longer be singing lead,
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00:04:45,704 --> 00:04:49,207
we will have a new round
of solo auditions!
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00:04:49,207 --> 00:04:50,208
Oh!
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00:04:50,625 --> 00:04:51,877
You can clap now.
115
00:04:51,877 --> 00:04:54,296
[applause, cheering]
116
00:04:54,296 --> 00:04:56,214
That's right! The only time
117
00:04:56,214 --> 00:04:58,174
I get to openly criticize you
118
00:04:58,174 --> 00:05:00,635
without getting letters from your parents!
119
00:05:00,635 --> 00:05:02,804
‐ Auditions?! I should be the lead!
120
00:05:02,804 --> 00:05:05,807
My parents gave a lot
of money to this school.
121
00:05:05,807 --> 00:05:06,808
This morning...
122
00:05:06,808 --> 00:05:08,768
‐ This is Huffman‐Loughlin Academy.
123
00:05:08,768 --> 00:05:11,021
Everyone's parents give a lot of money.
124
00:05:11,021 --> 00:05:12,647
If I make you lead,
125
00:05:12,647 --> 00:05:14,816
I have to make everyone lead!
126
00:05:14,816 --> 00:05:16,735
‐ Can I pretty please be extra lead?
127
00:05:16,735 --> 00:05:18,403
‐ You can audition like everyone else.
128
00:05:18,403 --> 00:05:19,321
‐ Fucking shit!
129
00:05:19,321 --> 00:05:21,615
‐ Sign‐up sheet up front.
Don't steal my pen!
130
00:05:21,615 --> 00:05:24,117
‐ Oh my gosh, that's insane!
[girls giggling]
131
00:05:25,785 --> 00:05:28,955
‐ Ugh! I hope my voice is on point today.
132
00:05:28,955 --> 00:05:31,082
I'm so tired because of
133
00:05:31,082 --> 00:05:33,084
all the sex stuff I had last night.
134
00:05:35,754 --> 00:05:38,340
Yup. So many dicks.
135
00:05:38,340 --> 00:05:41,259
Ugh, like a forest of dicks.
136
00:05:41,259 --> 00:05:44,638
What about you, Bisque? What's the most
dicks you've had up in there?
137
00:05:46,765 --> 00:05:48,475
Ugh, I had seven.
138
00:05:48,475 --> 00:05:51,144
Seven dicks! Last night.
139
00:05:51,144 --> 00:05:53,271
Pretty standard but, oh my god.
140
00:05:53,271 --> 00:05:56,900
[vocal fry]
I'm so tireeed...
141
00:05:56,900 --> 00:06:00,278
‐ Blossom, you're such a basic bitch.
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00:06:00,278 --> 00:06:01,947
[writing]
143
00:06:01,947 --> 00:06:05,325
‐ Yup. Just two grown women talkin' sex.
144
00:06:05,325 --> 00:06:07,494
Classic lady stuff.
145
00:06:07,494 --> 00:06:09,246
Girlboss.
146
00:06:09,246 --> 00:06:12,332
♪ ominous music ♪
147
00:06:12,332 --> 00:06:14,709
‐ Who's selling the drugs?!
‐ Don't push her.
148
00:06:14,709 --> 00:06:16,461
She's probably on 'roids.
149
00:06:16,461 --> 00:06:20,215
[deep voice] I've never taken
performance‐enhancing substances.
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00:06:20,215 --> 00:06:21,258
Rah!
151
00:06:22,801 --> 00:06:25,428
‐ Mm‐kay... Cool...
152
00:06:28,723 --> 00:06:30,308
Do we have a name?
‐ No.
153
00:06:30,308 --> 00:06:32,602
We have a very disturbing poem.
154
00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:35,063
What does the shallow grave filled
155
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:37,857
with the blood of your
loved ones represent?
156
00:06:37,857 --> 00:06:40,193
‐ [raspy]
The future, ugh.
157
00:06:40,902 --> 00:06:44,614
‐ Okay. We're just gonna refer you
over to a counselor.
158
00:06:44,614 --> 00:06:46,116
‐ [normal]
[sighs] Again?
159
00:06:46,700 --> 00:06:50,078
‐ Be honest. Do. You. Take. Drugs?
160
00:06:50,078 --> 00:06:52,080
‐ Yeah. I take 'em all the time.
161
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,916
Like, one a day.
I'm high right now, you fucking pig!
162
00:06:54,916 --> 00:06:57,669
Fuck the po‐lice!
[slam]
163
00:06:58,587 --> 00:06:59,754
‐ Yeah, she's clean.
164
00:06:59,754 --> 00:07:01,381
♪
165
00:07:01,381 --> 00:07:03,008
‐ Broth?
‐ Bisque!
166
00:07:03,008 --> 00:07:05,468
Oh!
‐ [giggles] You eating okay?
167
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,305
You look horrible.
‐ Aw, thank you!
168
00:07:08,305 --> 00:07:10,348
I'm a squire now! Patrick,
169
00:07:10,348 --> 00:07:12,309
this is my little sister, Bisque!
170
00:07:12,309 --> 00:07:14,102
‐ I didn't know you had a sister,
171
00:07:14,102 --> 00:07:16,354
who goes to an exclusive boarding school
172
00:07:16,354 --> 00:07:18,189
that's insanely expensive!
173
00:07:18,189 --> 00:07:20,567
‐ Yeah. I come from a lot of money,
but my parents cut me off
174
00:07:20,567 --> 00:07:22,360
after I wouldn't join the family law firm.
175
00:07:22,360 --> 00:07:23,778
I had to follow my dreams!
176
00:07:23,778 --> 00:07:25,697
Even if it meant
giving up yacht privileges.
177
00:07:25,697 --> 00:07:27,324
[laughs] You get it, right?
178
00:07:27,324 --> 00:07:30,035
‐ Half my teeth are just
polished rocks, so no.
179
00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:33,872
‐ Here's some advice.
Teenage girls are cliquish and weird.
180
00:07:33,872 --> 00:07:37,167
‐ We're not going to disclose secrets
to a couple of old men.
181
00:07:37,167 --> 00:07:39,669
‐ No wonder they're
not talking to us. Wait.
182
00:07:39,669 --> 00:07:41,129
We're not old men.
183
00:07:42,505 --> 00:07:45,133
Aw. That wasn't one of the rocks.
184
00:07:45,133 --> 00:07:46,635
♪
185
00:07:46,635 --> 00:07:48,345
[bang]
‐ Ah! Hello?
186
00:07:48,345 --> 00:07:50,388
Is anyone in this room doing drugs?
187
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:51,806
[screaming]
GIRL: Get out! Get out!
188
00:07:51,806 --> 00:07:55,393
‐ Well, if nobody's holding, can you
at least direct me to the bar, please?
189
00:07:55,393 --> 00:07:56,394
[slam]
190
00:07:57,562 --> 00:08:00,482
Oh! My old dorm room!
191
00:08:00,482 --> 00:08:02,108
Ah!
[bang, slam]
192
00:08:04,277 --> 00:08:07,113
♪
193
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:10,784
[glass shatters, brick thuds]
194
00:08:13,954 --> 00:08:15,622
Ugh. Merriman.
195
00:08:16,957 --> 00:08:19,334
‐ Tulip! Did you get my dick brick?
196
00:08:19,334 --> 00:08:20,502
‐ Yes, you idiot.
197
00:08:20,502 --> 00:08:22,337
‐ Send a titty‐brick back.
198
00:08:22,337 --> 00:08:23,838
‐ Go home!
199
00:08:23,838 --> 00:08:25,382
[smack]
[grunt]
200
00:08:25,382 --> 00:08:28,552
‐ Oh... Jesus... Christ...
201
00:08:29,970 --> 00:08:32,472
[birds chirping]
202
00:08:32,472 --> 00:08:35,767
‐ Stop flashing back in here! Ugh!
203
00:08:35,767 --> 00:08:38,436
♪
204
00:08:38,436 --> 00:08:42,023
‐ Late for class? I'm the king, and I have
the power to give you detention.
205
00:08:42,816 --> 00:08:45,819
‐ We figured in order to get
information from teenage girls,
206
00:08:45,819 --> 00:08:48,697
we had to become teenage girls!
207
00:08:50,240 --> 00:08:51,449
‐ You still have detention.
208
00:08:51,449 --> 00:08:53,118
‐ No, sire, we have work to do.
209
00:08:53,118 --> 00:08:54,619
‐ Yes, you do. Look at this headline.
210
00:08:54,619 --> 00:08:57,080
Nobody's talking about my riches!
211
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:59,040
The little drug‐vacuums
are taking all the press!
212
00:09:00,083 --> 00:09:02,586
Keep my daughter safe,
and don't make me look stupid.
213
00:09:02,586 --> 00:09:05,589
Ah! Oh! [yelling]
[clattering]
214
00:09:07,549 --> 00:09:08,925
[crash]
Ah...
215
00:09:08,925 --> 00:09:11,219
‐ Alright, Broth, let's go.
‐ Broth?!
216
00:09:11,219 --> 00:09:13,638
I'm Clementine! I'm fun,
217
00:09:13,638 --> 00:09:15,974
flirty, and under 30. [giggles]
218
00:09:15,974 --> 00:09:18,059
I was found in swaddling
clothes behind a nunnery,
219
00:09:18,059 --> 00:09:21,104
and I can jump higher than a tree.
What's your name?
220
00:09:21,104 --> 00:09:23,565
‐ Patricia. Like Patrick, but girl.
221
00:09:23,565 --> 00:09:24,983
‐ Great! And what's your vertical?
222
00:09:24,983 --> 00:09:27,986
♪
223
00:09:32,532 --> 00:09:35,160
‐ [quietly] Bisque! It's us!
‐ Yes, obviously.
224
00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:36,661
‐ Thanks for lending us your makeup.
225
00:09:36,661 --> 00:09:38,830
‐ Thanks for using all of it.
226
00:09:38,830 --> 00:09:40,874
Let me give you the lay of the land.
227
00:09:40,874 --> 00:09:43,043
Each student is an individual
228
00:09:43,043 --> 00:09:45,712
who cannot be lumped into stereotypes.
229
00:09:45,712 --> 00:09:47,589
‐ Giving the lay of the land
to the new girls?
230
00:09:47,589 --> 00:09:49,883
Oh my god, this is my specialty! Okay,
231
00:09:49,883 --> 00:09:51,009
that's the drama nerds,
232
00:09:51,009 --> 00:09:52,093
the band sluts,
233
00:09:52,093 --> 00:09:53,136
next to them's the goths,
234
00:09:53,136 --> 00:09:54,596
there's the dead poets society,
235
00:09:54,596 --> 00:09:56,097
the punks, the T‐Birds,
236
00:09:56,097 --> 00:09:57,140
that's just Sandy,
237
00:09:57,140 --> 00:09:58,433
there's the baseball furies,
238
00:09:58,433 --> 00:09:59,893
those are the MS‐13s.
239
00:09:59,893 --> 00:10:02,812
Stay away from them.
They're freshmen with multiple sclerosis.
240
00:10:02,812 --> 00:10:04,940
Those are the preggos. 'Sup, Druella!
241
00:10:04,940 --> 00:10:06,816
DRUELLA: Choke on seven dicks.
[laughs]
242
00:10:06,816 --> 00:10:09,569
Those are the sons of anarchy, my table.
243
00:10:09,569 --> 00:10:12,155
And finally, the art kids.
They are freakos.
244
00:10:12,155 --> 00:10:14,032
Stay away from them.
245
00:10:14,032 --> 00:10:17,035
♪
246
00:10:17,494 --> 00:10:18,870
BOTH [quietly]
Drugs!
247
00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,747
‐ [whispers] Wait, are we sharing secrets?
248
00:10:20,747 --> 00:10:22,791
My dad sits down to pee. [laughs]
249
00:10:22,791 --> 00:10:23,959
♪
250
00:10:26,545 --> 00:10:29,631
♪
251
00:10:30,131 --> 00:10:32,008
‐ Broth, keep your eyes peeled.
252
00:10:32,008 --> 00:10:33,635
Those drugs have to be here somewhere.
253
00:10:33,635 --> 00:10:36,221
‐ Oh, Clementine, my word.
254
00:10:36,221 --> 00:10:38,056
This is inspired!
255
00:10:38,056 --> 00:10:39,724
A true feminist metaphor.
256
00:10:41,226 --> 00:10:43,603
Patricia... Try harder, dear.
257
00:10:44,688 --> 00:10:46,147
‐ [whispers]
I'm going in.
258
00:10:47,107 --> 00:10:48,817
[scraping]
259
00:10:48,817 --> 00:10:50,610
[high‐pitched voice]
Cool, uh,
260
00:10:50,610 --> 00:10:52,529
thing. [giggles]
261
00:10:52,529 --> 00:10:55,699
I'm in the market for some...
art supplies,
262
00:10:55,699 --> 00:10:58,159
if you know what I mean. [giggles]
263
00:10:58,159 --> 00:10:59,578
‐ Glue?
264
00:10:59,578 --> 00:11:02,497
‐ Whatever fucks me up the best. [giggles]
265
00:11:03,373 --> 00:11:05,333
‐ Glitter glue?
266
00:11:05,333 --> 00:11:07,961
‐ [giggles]
And then Ms. Blick was all like,
267
00:11:07,961 --> 00:11:11,131
"Girl art? Try harder."
[girls laughing]
268
00:11:11,131 --> 00:11:13,425
Sh! Sh! Shut the fuck up!
Here she comes!
269
00:11:13,425 --> 00:11:16,219
‐ [sing‐song]
Oh, Clementine. I'm getting nowhere.
270
00:11:16,219 --> 00:11:19,431
But, I've got some great tips about glue.
271
00:11:19,431 --> 00:11:21,933
Wait, were you talking about me?
272
00:11:21,933 --> 00:11:24,936
[birds chirping]
273
00:11:29,482 --> 00:11:31,067
‐ Nope.
274
00:11:31,067 --> 00:11:34,070
♪ singing high notes ♪
♪ playing piano ♪
275
00:11:34,070 --> 00:11:36,740
♪ note climbing ♪
276
00:11:39,034 --> 00:11:40,076
‐ You're welcome.
277
00:11:40,076 --> 00:11:42,037
‐ Bravo, mon cheri!
278
00:11:42,037 --> 00:11:45,165
The part is yours‐‐
‐ Wait! I didn't audition yet.
279
00:11:45,165 --> 00:11:47,417
‐ Save yourself the embarrassment.
280
00:11:47,417 --> 00:11:50,795
‐ Ugh! Fine.
Please, just get this over with.
281
00:11:51,421 --> 00:11:53,340
[exhales]
282
00:11:53,340 --> 00:11:55,634
‐ Um, this song helped me through
283
00:11:55,634 --> 00:11:58,345
a vulnerable time in my life.
[clears throat]
284
00:11:59,930 --> 00:12:03,016
[loud, operatic]
♪ We be... ♪
285
00:12:03,016 --> 00:12:04,142
‐ Sing quieter.
286
00:12:05,977 --> 00:12:07,312
‐ [whispers] Fuckin'?
287
00:12:07,312 --> 00:12:09,356
‐ Extra lead goes to Bisque.
‐ I know.
288
00:12:09,356 --> 00:12:11,233
♪
289
00:12:11,983 --> 00:12:14,486
‐ [disguised voice] Hello? Janitor time!
290
00:12:14,486 --> 00:12:16,905
Coming in to clean your poop!
291
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:19,824
[normal voice]
Ah. The coast is clear.
292
00:12:20,367 --> 00:12:22,410
Here we are. Gossip central.
[stall door shuts]
293
00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:24,371
What's today's tea?
294
00:12:24,371 --> 00:12:27,666
"Druella felt the baby kick."
Well, that's nice.
295
00:12:27,666 --> 00:12:29,459
Poem about trees. Who cares?
296
00:12:29,459 --> 00:12:31,461
"Fern, picture of scissors, Ivy."
297
00:12:31,461 --> 00:12:33,171
Hm. Baffling.
298
00:12:33,171 --> 00:12:34,714
Let's heat up this message board.
299
00:12:34,714 --> 00:12:36,550
"King Merriman is rich,
300
00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:39,886
"and we should tell our parents
he is an ice pimp daddy,
301
00:12:39,886 --> 00:12:42,639
or use whatever
the current vernacular is."
302
00:12:42,639 --> 00:12:45,725
Bomboclaat! "Signed, a student."
303
00:12:45,725 --> 00:12:46,726
[door opens]
304
00:12:46,726 --> 00:12:48,436
GIRL 1:
I now call to order
305
00:12:48,436 --> 00:12:50,438
the meeting of the Bulimia Club!
306
00:12:50,438 --> 00:12:52,399
[stall doors open, shut]
307
00:12:52,399 --> 00:12:54,859
[girls vomiting]
308
00:12:54,859 --> 00:12:57,529
‐ Oh no. It's an unattainable standard.
309
00:12:57,529 --> 00:12:59,990
GIRL 2:
I'm going to get to a size zero!
310
00:12:59,990 --> 00:13:03,034
‐ [high‐pitched voice] Well, I'm going
to choose to love myself as I am,
311
00:13:03,034 --> 00:13:04,536
and you should, too!
312
00:13:05,954 --> 00:13:07,664
[girls vomiting]
313
00:13:07,664 --> 00:13:10,375
‐ Hey, guys! Big hang!
314
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:13,920
Booze and crispy drugs.
Super popular and cool!
315
00:13:14,504 --> 00:13:16,506
[hissing, growling]
316
00:13:16,506 --> 00:13:17,966
Oh my god, Ivy.
317
00:13:17,966 --> 00:13:20,260
You're so desperate for attention.
318
00:13:20,260 --> 00:13:21,761
[screaming]
319
00:13:21,761 --> 00:13:24,514
Guys, don't go after her.
It's what she wants.
320
00:13:24,514 --> 00:13:26,975
‐ I am a dragon!
321
00:13:26,975 --> 00:13:28,518
FERN:
Wait, Ivy! Come back!
322
00:13:28,518 --> 00:13:31,563
‐ Ivy! Stop being random!
323
00:13:31,563 --> 00:13:33,773
[hissing, grunting]
324
00:13:33,773 --> 00:13:36,776
‐ [gasps] The drugs are turning her green!
325
00:13:36,776 --> 00:13:39,362
‐ Oh! That is so awesome
326
00:13:39,362 --> 00:13:42,532
and tragic. Should be me lying there.
327
00:13:42,532 --> 00:13:45,243
I'm gonna find the drugs
and do them all at the same time.
328
00:13:45,243 --> 00:13:47,245
‐ Come on! We can't lose her!
329
00:13:47,245 --> 00:13:50,498
♪
330
00:13:50,498 --> 00:13:51,917
Damn it! We can't go in there.
331
00:13:51,917 --> 00:13:54,336
‐ Patricia, don't be self‐conscious.
332
00:13:54,336 --> 00:13:55,670
All bodies are beautiful.
333
00:13:55,670 --> 00:13:57,297
‐ Broth, we are "A," grownups,
334
00:13:57,297 --> 00:13:59,466
"B," penis‐havers, and "C," cops.
335
00:13:59,466 --> 00:14:01,801
‐ Ah, you're right! We can't go in,
336
00:14:01,801 --> 00:14:03,511
but Clementine can.
337
00:14:03,511 --> 00:14:05,680
‐ Wha‐‐ Y‐‐ Clementine is you.
338
00:14:05,680 --> 00:14:08,808
Broth is Clementine! Huh?
MS. BLICK: Okay, here you go.
339
00:14:08,808 --> 00:14:11,853
♪
340
00:14:11,853 --> 00:14:14,189
‐ This thing goes
all the way to the top...
341
00:14:14,189 --> 00:14:16,900
of the art department.
342
00:14:18,276 --> 00:14:21,571
[high‐pitched voice]
Ms. Blick? We hear you have the goods.
343
00:14:21,571 --> 00:14:24,491
‐ Oh, is it that time?
‐ It's always that time!
344
00:14:24,491 --> 00:14:27,077
‐ Ew. That could be trouble down the road.
345
00:14:27,077 --> 00:14:30,080
Five bucks each.
‐ [normal] You're out of business, Blick!
346
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:33,333
‐ Oh, hell no!
I'm not getting robbed today!
347
00:14:33,333 --> 00:14:35,335
[grunting]
[laughing]
348
00:14:36,211 --> 00:14:37,629
[grunt]
[yelling]
349
00:14:38,421 --> 00:14:40,257
[slice, spinning]
Ha, ha!
350
00:14:40,757 --> 00:14:43,718
[grunting]
‐ We're not trying to rob you!
351
00:14:43,718 --> 00:14:45,178
We're only trying to tie you up!
352
00:14:45,178 --> 00:14:48,014
‐ I taught art therapy to at‐risk youth!
353
00:14:48,014 --> 00:14:50,100
You think you can scare me?!
354
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:51,810
♪
355
00:14:54,479 --> 00:14:56,606
[maniacal laugh]
356
00:14:56,606 --> 00:14:58,858
‐ Eat this, you drug‐pushing hippie!
357
00:14:59,859 --> 00:15:01,861
‐ Ha, ha! Good thinking, Clem!
358
00:15:03,363 --> 00:15:04,364
[growl]
359
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:07,158
[screaming]
‐ Ah, shit! Run!
360
00:15:07,158 --> 00:15:09,744
[all screaming]
361
00:15:09,744 --> 00:15:10,996
Ah shit!
362
00:15:10,996 --> 00:15:12,372
[screaming]
363
00:15:12,372 --> 00:15:15,792
‐ Jesus Christ!
BLICK: The kiln has a childproof lock!
364
00:15:15,792 --> 00:15:19,170
Pinch and twist!
Pinch and motherfucking twist!
365
00:15:19,170 --> 00:15:21,923
‐ It won't open!
[Blick screaming]
366
00:15:21,923 --> 00:15:24,175
[straining]
[screaming stops]
367
00:15:24,175 --> 00:15:27,345
[flames crackling]
368
00:15:27,345 --> 00:15:29,347
‐ Maybe she fell asleep?
369
00:15:31,141 --> 00:15:32,851
[screaming]
[bubbling]
370
00:15:32,851 --> 00:15:34,352
‐ Ah!
‐ I'm gonna puke!
371
00:15:34,352 --> 00:15:37,022
‐ ♪ Fa sol la ti do ♪
372
00:15:37,022 --> 00:15:39,316
‐ Hey, Bisque!
Do you have any drugs I can eat?
373
00:15:39,316 --> 00:15:41,443
I'm trying to slap some cred on this ass.
374
00:15:41,443 --> 00:15:44,362
‐ First, if I had drugs,
I wouldn't give them to you.
375
00:15:44,362 --> 00:15:46,907
Second, don't interrupt me
while I'm practicing
376
00:15:46,907 --> 00:15:49,451
for my extra lead solo.
[grunts]
377
00:15:49,451 --> 00:15:52,829
‐ Oh! Ah! [yelling]
[crashing, falling]
378
00:15:52,829 --> 00:15:54,247
Why so many stairs?!
379
00:15:54,247 --> 00:15:56,207
Ah!
[crash]
380
00:15:56,207 --> 00:15:58,752
[click]
‐ I may be a basic bitch,
381
00:15:58,752 --> 00:16:00,837
but you're a basement Bisque!
382
00:16:00,837 --> 00:16:02,881
[cackling]
383
00:16:02,881 --> 00:16:04,382
[laughter fades]
384
00:16:05,258 --> 00:16:07,469
Aw. No one heard me.
385
00:16:08,053 --> 00:16:11,223
‐ I've had a very stressful day.
You better have good news.
386
00:16:11,223 --> 00:16:12,724
‐ Here are your drugs,
387
00:16:12,724 --> 00:16:14,976
and here is your drug dealer.
Broth made the urn.
388
00:16:14,976 --> 00:16:17,103
‐ A strong feminist metaphor.
389
00:16:17,103 --> 00:16:18,480
It's what she would've wanted.
390
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:19,648
‐ Good work, hoes.
391
00:16:19,648 --> 00:16:21,608
‐ Merriman, at first, I was skeptical
392
00:16:21,608 --> 00:16:23,777
about your men running around undercover,
393
00:16:23,777 --> 00:16:25,904
but color me impressed.
394
00:16:25,904 --> 00:16:28,573
‐ These aren't drugs. They're tampons!
395
00:16:28,573 --> 00:16:29,950
MEN:
Tampons?!
396
00:16:29,950 --> 00:16:33,453
‐ Wait a minute. Isn't that
recently widowed Ms. Blick's tote bag?
397
00:16:33,453 --> 00:16:36,456
‐ Okay, real talk. We need
to have a serious discussion
398
00:16:36,456 --> 00:16:38,875
about who's singing lead at the ceremony.
399
00:16:39,709 --> 00:16:41,378
♪
400
00:16:41,378 --> 00:16:44,631
That looks like one of the tampons
two‐time breast cancer survivor
401
00:16:44,631 --> 00:16:45,799
Ms. Blick sells.
402
00:16:45,799 --> 00:16:47,801
‐ Ms. Blick sells tampons?
403
00:16:47,801 --> 00:16:49,344
‐ Hell yeah, she does!
404
00:16:49,344 --> 00:16:51,763
Those free pads in the bathroom
are like sandpaper.
405
00:16:51,763 --> 00:16:54,808
It's like every day of your period
is raw taco Tuesday.
406
00:16:54,808 --> 00:16:57,686
Am I right, Clementine?
‐ Preach, girlfriend.
407
00:16:57,686 --> 00:17:00,605
‐ What the hell happened to you?
Who cares.
408
00:17:00,605 --> 00:17:03,817
Anyway, I heard Ms. Blick's
latest batch is clover‐scented,
409
00:17:03,817 --> 00:17:05,569
and all the proceeds go to a charity
410
00:17:05,569 --> 00:17:08,196
that helps drug‐addicted
puppies get adopted!
411
00:17:08,196 --> 00:17:10,865
Like, oh my god!
I wouldn't wanna live in a world
412
00:17:10,865 --> 00:17:12,492
without Ms. Blick!
413
00:17:12,492 --> 00:17:14,202
‐ Oh, I need to lie down.
414
00:17:14,202 --> 00:17:17,247
[smash]
‐ Ms. Blick is exceptional.
415
00:17:17,247 --> 00:17:19,708
Quick to anger,
but nobody's perfect.
416
00:17:19,708 --> 00:17:23,003
We're honoring her with
a lifetime achievement award
417
00:17:23,003 --> 00:17:25,547
at today's ceremony. Where is she anyway?
418
00:17:27,173 --> 00:17:29,342
‐ She's been... kilned.
419
00:17:29,342 --> 00:17:32,470
‐ Without context, that means nothing.
420
00:17:32,470 --> 00:17:34,472
[quiet chatter]
421
00:17:34,472 --> 00:17:36,224
The event is canceled.
422
00:17:36,224 --> 00:17:38,143
[crowd gasping]
We're in the midst of a drug epidemic,
423
00:17:38,143 --> 00:17:40,729
and we're missing our soloist,
who also happens to be
424
00:17:40,729 --> 00:17:43,356
the most popular girl in her grade
as per my ranking.
425
00:17:43,356 --> 00:17:45,483
‐ We can still solve this.
We need to think like
426
00:17:45,483 --> 00:17:47,694
15‐year‐old girls! [grunting]
427
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:51,656
‐ Okay, we know girls think
they're turning into...
428
00:17:51,656 --> 00:17:54,117
BROTH: Dragon!
‐ Exactly. They scream‐‐
429
00:17:54,117 --> 00:17:56,745
‐ I am now a dragon now!
‐ Broth!
430
00:17:56,745 --> 00:17:59,623
[hissing, growling]
It's the tampons! Take them out!
431
00:17:59,623 --> 00:18:02,083
‐ [growling] Dragon!
‐ Broth! Come back!
432
00:18:02,083 --> 00:18:03,877
‐ Rah! Dragon!
433
00:18:03,877 --> 00:18:06,046
[panting]
BISQUE: Let me out!
434
00:18:06,046 --> 00:18:08,465
[banging on door]
Let me out!
435
00:18:08,465 --> 00:18:10,884
I've learned the secret
behind the drug overdoses!
436
00:18:10,884 --> 00:18:12,719
‐ I know! It's the tampons!
437
00:18:12,719 --> 00:18:15,138
Go tell everyone to take
their tampons out!
438
00:18:15,138 --> 00:18:18,558
I gotta go save the most
beautiful girl in the world.
439
00:18:18,558 --> 00:18:20,560
[panting]
440
00:18:20,560 --> 00:18:23,772
‐ Everyone! Take out your tampons!
441
00:18:23,772 --> 00:18:26,399
‐ Hm. Let's see where this is going.
442
00:18:26,399 --> 00:18:28,610
‐ They are full of drugs!
443
00:18:28,610 --> 00:18:30,028
[screaming]
444
00:18:30,028 --> 00:18:32,030
GIRL:
Yank it!
445
00:18:32,530 --> 00:18:34,282
[grunts]
446
00:18:34,282 --> 00:18:35,533
[splattering]
447
00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:38,453
‐ Oh! This reminds me of
my bachelorette party.
448
00:18:38,453 --> 00:18:40,580
[growling, yelling]
BISQUE: Oh no!
449
00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:42,332
Broth! Oh my god, Broth!
450
00:18:42,332 --> 00:18:44,918
[growling, yelling]
451
00:18:44,918 --> 00:18:46,753
[crowd screaming]
452
00:18:46,753 --> 00:18:49,047
[yelling]
453
00:18:49,047 --> 00:18:50,298
[grunt]
BROTH: Ow.
454
00:18:50,298 --> 00:18:52,551
[applause, cheering]
455
00:18:53,552 --> 00:18:55,053
‐ You're not a dragon!
[pop]
456
00:18:55,053 --> 00:18:56,471
You're my brother!
457
00:18:56,471 --> 00:18:58,181
[Broth grunts]
[crowd gasps]
458
00:18:58,181 --> 00:18:59,474
‐ Are you shitting me?
459
00:18:59,474 --> 00:19:02,102
l let you paint my goddamn
toenails, you freak.
460
00:19:02,102 --> 00:19:04,521
‐ [growl, shudder] Oh. Bisque?
461
00:19:04,521 --> 00:19:07,107
Oh my gosh, I was out of my mind!
462
00:19:07,107 --> 00:19:08,900
I thought you were the pope!
‐ Yeah?
463
00:19:08,900 --> 00:19:11,069
Does the pope kiss like this?
464
00:19:11,069 --> 00:19:12,904
[moaning]
465
00:19:12,904 --> 00:19:14,656
‐ They're not gonna...
CROWD: Ew!
466
00:19:14,656 --> 00:19:16,157
[all exclaiming]
467
00:19:16,157 --> 00:19:18,702
‐ [laughs] Wouldn't that be weird?
468
00:19:18,702 --> 00:19:21,580
‐ [laughs] Classic viking prank.
469
00:19:21,580 --> 00:19:22,831
Will we? Won't we?
470
00:19:22,831 --> 00:19:26,001
‐ Right? Like, everyone's like,
"Is it real?"
471
00:19:26,001 --> 00:19:28,795
‐ Stop talking.
‐ Someone explain this at once!
472
00:19:28,795 --> 00:19:32,007
‐ Well, the tampons were
causing the overdoses.
473
00:19:32,007 --> 00:19:34,175
But what I don't understand is how.
474
00:19:34,175 --> 00:19:36,303
‐ I can answer that question.
475
00:19:36,887 --> 00:19:39,389
Ms. Blick was always tinkering
476
00:19:39,389 --> 00:19:41,516
with the recipe for her homemade tampons
477
00:19:41,516 --> 00:19:43,226
in the shady basement.
478
00:19:43,226 --> 00:19:46,187
She perfected the clover scent
using a chemical called
479
00:19:46,187 --> 00:19:48,815
phencyclidine, AKA...
[sniffs]
480
00:19:48,815 --> 00:19:50,275
angel dust.
481
00:19:51,067 --> 00:19:54,070
‐ But, Bisque, what about
the green‐colored skin?
482
00:19:54,070 --> 00:19:56,197
‐ The drugs shut down kidney function,
483
00:19:56,197 --> 00:19:58,533
turning skin yellow,
and also cut off oxygen,
484
00:19:58,533 --> 00:19:59,868
turning skin blue.
485
00:19:59,868 --> 00:20:02,245
According to Ms. Blick's color wheel,
486
00:20:02,245 --> 00:20:04,205
yellow and blue make green.
487
00:20:04,205 --> 00:20:05,916
‐ Whoa! You're a genius!
488
00:20:05,916 --> 00:20:08,001
And not to make this
exposition any longer,
489
00:20:08,001 --> 00:20:09,502
but how'd you figure all that out?
490
00:20:09,502 --> 00:20:12,839
‐ I saw the empty bottles in
the basement when Blossom
491
00:20:12,839 --> 00:20:14,966
threw me down there.
[nervous laugh]
492
00:20:14,966 --> 00:20:16,426
[crowd booing]
493
00:20:16,426 --> 00:20:18,637
But I'm sure Ms. Blick will explain
494
00:20:18,637 --> 00:20:20,680
the side effects were just an accident.
495
00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:22,390
‐ [laughs] Nah, dude, she won't.
496
00:20:23,808 --> 00:20:24,935
She dead.
497
00:20:24,935 --> 00:20:27,395
‐ [gasps] Renowned special needs
498
00:20:27,395 --> 00:20:30,690
children's book author Ms. Blick is dead?!
499
00:20:30,690 --> 00:20:32,525
[crowd crying, screaming]
500
00:20:32,525 --> 00:20:35,695
‐ Some might say... she was kilned.
501
00:20:35,695 --> 00:20:38,365
‐ That's the second time
you've employed that pun.
502
00:20:38,365 --> 00:20:40,909
Are you saying Ms. Blick
died in the art room kiln,
503
00:20:40,909 --> 00:20:43,578
fired at a temperature
of over 1,800 degrees
504
00:20:43,578 --> 00:20:45,580
until her flesh turned to ash?
505
00:20:46,331 --> 00:20:48,875
‐ Yerp.
‐ This is the worst day
506
00:20:48,875 --> 00:20:51,253
in the history of our school!
Where's the other degenerate
507
00:20:51,253 --> 00:20:53,588
posing as a student?
[Patrick whimpers]
508
00:20:53,588 --> 00:20:54,506
[crowd gasps]
509
00:20:54,506 --> 00:20:58,343
[girls screaming, crying]
510
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:01,638
‐ Oh, I just wanted to be
closer to my daughter!
511
00:21:01,638 --> 00:21:03,515
‐ Tell it to the judge, Michael.
512
00:21:04,975 --> 00:21:07,936
‐ I need to start paying more attention.
513
00:21:07,936 --> 00:21:10,939
‐ Ew! I let you French me!
514
00:21:11,273 --> 00:21:12,524
[groaning sigh]
515
00:21:13,108 --> 00:21:15,569
‐ B‐braid! French braid!
516
00:21:15,569 --> 00:21:18,655
‐ Well, I can tell what tomorrow's
gossip is gonna be,
517
00:21:18,655 --> 00:21:21,032
and it's not about how fucking rich I am.
518
00:21:21,032 --> 00:21:22,867
It was all for nothing, sparkle‐nips.
519
00:21:22,867 --> 00:21:25,745
‐ Not for nothing. Hm?
[clanging]
520
00:21:26,580 --> 00:21:28,164
‐ Ah! A titty‐brick!
521
00:21:28,164 --> 00:21:29,749
[giggles]
You remembered!
522
00:21:29,749 --> 00:21:31,501
‐ Mm‐hm‐hmm! [giggling]
523
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:32,919
‐ What a day.
524
00:21:32,919 --> 00:21:36,089
Let's open this fucking greenhouse.
525
00:21:36,089 --> 00:21:38,258
‐ ♪ Mindfulness center ♪
526
00:21:38,258 --> 00:21:40,260
♪ Slash butterfly ♪
527
00:21:40,260 --> 00:21:42,804
♪ Sanctuary... ♪
528
00:21:42,804 --> 00:21:45,932
‐ ♪ Butterfly... ♪
529
00:21:45,932 --> 00:21:48,143
♪ Butterfly ♪
530
00:21:48,143 --> 00:21:50,812
[gong crash]
[crowd cheering]
531
00:21:50,812 --> 00:21:53,231
‐ Well, that sucked.
‐ Thank you for the review.
532
00:21:53,231 --> 00:21:55,191
Also, you're expelled.
533
00:21:55,191 --> 00:21:58,570
‐ What? Why?
‐ For shoving the most popular girl
534
00:21:58,570 --> 00:22:00,822
in your grade down a flight of stairs,
535
00:22:00,822 --> 00:22:03,450
and because I don't much care
for your obnoxious parents!
536
00:22:03,450 --> 00:22:05,702
Enjoy public school.
537
00:22:05,702 --> 00:22:06,995
‐ What's public school?
538
00:22:06,995 --> 00:22:10,457
‐ Since your daughter is
no longer a student here,
539
00:22:10,457 --> 00:22:11,958
we'll be replacing your name
540
00:22:11,958 --> 00:22:15,712
on the Mindfulness Center
Slash Butterfly Sanctuary.
541
00:22:16,213 --> 00:22:18,215
‐ This is bullshit.
542
00:22:18,215 --> 00:22:19,466
[glass shatters]
543
00:22:20,550 --> 00:22:22,385
Burn it all down!
544
00:22:22,385 --> 00:22:23,637
♪
545
00:22:25,976 --> 00:22:27,978
♪
546
00:22:27,978 --> 00:22:30,397
‐ You're the new girl, Blossom, right?
547
00:22:30,397 --> 00:22:32,232
Welcome to public school.
548
00:22:32,232 --> 00:22:35,152
Come help me push this desk
against the door. [straining]
549
00:22:35,152 --> 00:22:37,779
[both struggle]
‐ Why are we doing this?
550
00:22:37,779 --> 00:22:39,239
‐ Active shooter protocols.
551
00:22:39,239 --> 00:22:42,159
Shelter in place, stay quiet,
write your loved ones.
552
00:22:42,159 --> 00:22:44,119
[arrows flying]
‐ Ah! Oh my god!
553
00:22:44,703 --> 00:22:46,246
Active shooter?
554
00:22:46,246 --> 00:22:48,331
Does this happen a lot?
‐ No, no, no.
555
00:22:48,331 --> 00:22:51,251
Well, not enough to enact
meaningful arrow reform.
556
00:22:51,251 --> 00:22:53,754
Anyway, let me give you
the lay of the land.
557
00:22:53,754 --> 00:22:55,714
Those are the active shooters.
[glass breaking]
558
00:22:57,424 --> 00:22:59,051
‐ Ugh...
559
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:02,763
♪ medieval closing theme playing ♪
560
00:23:32,793 --> 00:23:35,796
[8‐bit beeping]
561
00:23:35,796 --> 00:23:37,631
CHILD:
That was amazing.
562
00:23:37,631 --> 00:23:39,132
[monkey chitters, slap]