1 00:00:02,021 --> 00:00:03,861 Sorry, but the person you are trying to reach 2 00:00:03,861 --> 00:00:05,021 can't take your call right now. 3 00:00:05,021 --> 00:00:06,661 Please leave your message after the tone. 4 00:00:06,661 --> 00:00:08,781 Hello, Beth. It's Ken here. 5 00:00:08,781 --> 00:00:10,541 Ken Pritchard. 6 00:00:10,541 --> 00:00:12,021 Again. 7 00:00:12,021 --> 00:00:14,261 You can't take my call right now, 8 00:00:14,261 --> 00:00:17,461 so I'm leaving you a message after the tone. 9 00:00:17,461 --> 00:00:18,941 HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY 10 00:00:18,941 --> 00:00:20,901 Uh...Cheery-bye, then. 11 00:00:20,901 --> 00:00:23,501 Emily can't take your call right now. 12 00:00:23,501 --> 00:00:26,181 Please leave your message after the tone. 13 00:00:26,181 --> 00:00:28,221 Emily, hi. 14 00:00:28,221 --> 00:00:31,381 It's, uh, Richard. Again. 15 00:00:31,381 --> 00:00:35,581 But you already know that, cos my name comes up on your phone. 16 00:00:35,581 --> 00:00:38,541 Um... Well, unless you've deleted my number, 17 00:00:38,541 --> 00:00:42,821 in which case it is 07700 900... 18 00:00:42,821 --> 00:00:46,061 But then the phone would have logged that as well. 19 00:00:46,061 --> 00:00:47,781 But anyway, just in case, 20 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:52,581 the final three digits are 5, um, 2, 1. Uh... 21 00:00:53,901 --> 00:00:56,861 Yeah, I'm actually just going to hang up now. 22 00:00:56,861 --> 00:01:00,421 So, um...cheery-bye, then. 23 00:01:03,901 --> 00:01:06,781 Cheery-bye, then! 24 00:01:03,901 --> 00:01:06,781 PHONE CHIMES 25 00:01:10,941 --> 00:01:12,381 Oh! 26 00:01:12,381 --> 00:01:15,661 Just trying you here, Beth. Want to say sorry for not telling you 27 00:01:15,661 --> 00:01:18,101 about Richard and Emily kissing at the time. 28 00:01:18,101 --> 00:01:20,861 PS, are we still engaged? Cheery-bye now. 29 00:01:20,861 --> 00:01:22,301 How did you know I wrote that? 30 00:01:22,301 --> 00:01:24,341 Cos you posted it on the Forres WhatsApp group! 31 00:01:24,341 --> 00:01:27,421 Now the whole town knows about me and Emily! I did no such... 32 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,341 Oh, I did. 33 00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,341 KEN'S PHONE CHIMES 34 00:01:29,341 --> 00:01:30,941 Ohh. How have I done that? 35 00:01:30,941 --> 00:01:32,341 BOTH PHONES CHIME REPEATEDLY 36 00:01:32,341 --> 00:01:34,421 Oh, that's the replies coming in now. 37 00:01:34,421 --> 00:01:35,981 Oh, brilliant! 38 00:01:35,981 --> 00:01:38,821 What a fantastic way for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily. 39 00:01:38,821 --> 00:01:41,781 Just as she's about to fly halfway round the world with her boyfriend! 40 00:01:41,781 --> 00:01:43,181 PHONES CONTINUE TO CHIME 41 00:01:43,181 --> 00:01:46,221 Gordon Cope. "I wonder if he still kisses with his eyes open. LOL." 42 00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:48,221 What were you doing kissing Gordon Cope? 43 00:01:48,221 --> 00:01:50,381 I wasn't kissing Gordon Cope! He was just there. 44 00:01:50,381 --> 00:01:51,941 It was a school party. 45 00:01:51,941 --> 00:01:53,781 We were all playing spin-the-bottle. 46 00:01:53,781 --> 00:01:55,101 I mean, I tried to sneak out. 47 00:01:55,101 --> 00:01:58,261 I'd never kissed a girl before, but then it landed on me and Emily. 48 00:01:58,261 --> 00:02:01,381 And of course I wanted to kiss her, just not in front of the whole room, 49 00:02:01,381 --> 00:02:03,861 but then they all started chanting "kiss her, kiss her"! 50 00:02:03,861 --> 00:02:06,381 And I did, but I just didn't realise that you had to close your eyes 51 00:02:06,381 --> 00:02:07,861 when you were kissing someone. 52 00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:09,901 So, for years after, everyone called me... 53 00:02:09,901 --> 00:02:11,541 ..the Cyclops Kisser. 54 00:02:11,541 --> 00:02:15,301 You see, this is why I wanted to talk to you about your technique. 55 00:02:15,301 --> 00:02:17,101 Obviously I don't kiss like that now. 56 00:02:17,101 --> 00:02:19,341 PHONES CHIME A lot of people still remember it. 57 00:02:19,341 --> 00:02:22,021 Oh, great! Are you happy? Are you? 58 00:02:22,021 --> 00:02:24,141 That I can never leave the house again. 59 00:02:24,141 --> 00:02:26,941 How To Make An Already Awful Situation Even Worse, 60 00:02:26,941 --> 00:02:28,901 The Autobiography, by Ken Pritchard. 61 00:02:28,901 --> 00:02:31,621 That's a terrible title for my autobiography. 62 00:02:31,621 --> 00:02:33,221 Oh, have you got a better one, have you? 63 00:02:33,221 --> 00:02:34,501 Yes, I have, as a matter of fact. 64 00:02:34,501 --> 00:02:35,861 It was rhetorical! Shhh. 65 00:02:35,861 --> 00:02:37,141 PHONE CHIMES 66 00:02:37,141 --> 00:02:41,701 What about Pritchard And Prejudice, by Ken Pritchard? There. 67 00:02:41,701 --> 00:02:45,221 Or you could have Pride And Pritchard, I suppose. 68 00:02:45,221 --> 00:02:47,861 Please stop! 69 00:02:45,221 --> 00:02:47,861 PHONE CHIMES 70 00:02:53,461 --> 00:02:56,421 Are they still talking about how bad I am at kissing? 71 00:02:56,421 --> 00:02:58,941 No, no. They've... 72 00:02:58,941 --> 00:03:01,101 They've moved on to something else now. 73 00:03:01,101 --> 00:03:02,261 What? 74 00:03:02,261 --> 00:03:03,861 How bad you are at acting. 75 00:03:03,861 --> 00:03:05,781 HE GASPS 76 00:03:07,301 --> 00:03:09,861 "I hate his accent in Detective Manners." 77 00:03:09,861 --> 00:03:11,301 I'm using my real accent! 78 00:03:11,301 --> 00:03:12,941 "He's completely wooden. 79 00:03:12,941 --> 00:03:14,421 "One dimensional. 80 00:03:14,421 --> 00:03:17,541 "Let's just hope he kisses better than he acts." 81 00:03:17,541 --> 00:03:22,021 Well, on the upside, it's good to hit rock bottom early in the day. 82 00:03:22,021 --> 00:03:23,821 It really frees up your afternoon. 83 00:03:24,941 --> 00:03:27,581 Oh, apparently rock bottom has a basement. 84 00:03:27,581 --> 00:03:29,021 HE SIGHS 85 00:03:29,021 --> 00:03:31,261 I thought people in Forres liked me. 86 00:03:31,261 --> 00:03:33,621 I thought they were proud I was from here. 87 00:03:33,621 --> 00:03:37,021 No-one on this has written for me and Emily to get together. 88 00:03:37,021 --> 00:03:39,381 I thought the whole town would be behind us, 89 00:03:39,381 --> 00:03:41,141 like the end of a Richard Curtis film. 90 00:03:41,141 --> 00:03:43,541 Who's he again? He do The Wicker Man? 91 00:03:43,541 --> 00:03:45,341 No, Richard Curtis. 92 00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:46,981 Love Actually. 93 00:03:46,981 --> 00:03:48,341 Oh, I never saw that one. 94 00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:51,021 Notting Hill? Four Weddings And A Funeral? 95 00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:53,901 Ah, there you are. There's a funeral at the end of The Wicker Man. 96 00:03:53,901 --> 00:03:55,101 PHONE CHIMES 97 00:03:55,101 --> 00:03:57,861 Oh, this one just says "useless twat". 98 00:03:57,861 --> 00:04:00,221 PHONE RINGS 99 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,461 Sally, hi. 100 00:04:06,461 --> 00:04:08,941 Richard! Something's come in. 101 00:04:08,941 --> 00:04:10,541 Really? 102 00:04:10,541 --> 00:04:11,981 Why do you need me for this? 103 00:04:11,981 --> 00:04:14,581 Because Emily normally reads the parts in, 104 00:04:14,581 --> 00:04:16,701 and it's my first TV audition in months. 105 00:04:16,701 --> 00:04:18,461 I am not missing out on it. 106 00:04:18,461 --> 00:04:19,701 Right. 107 00:04:19,701 --> 00:04:21,421 RICHARD MUMBLES 108 00:04:21,421 --> 00:04:23,141 Who am I playing, again? 109 00:04:23,141 --> 00:04:26,261 You're playing anyone apart from Sebastian, you understand? 110 00:04:26,261 --> 00:04:29,341 Aye, aye. That's the face you do when you don't understand 111 00:04:29,341 --> 00:04:32,381 but you're pretending that you do. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 112 00:04:32,381 --> 00:04:35,021 Uh-huh. OK, is that "uh-huh" as in you do understand, 113 00:04:35,021 --> 00:04:37,101 or "uh-huh", as in you don't understand? 114 00:04:37,101 --> 00:04:38,501 Absolutely. Sure, OK. 115 00:04:38,501 --> 00:04:40,661 So, what I've done is I've highlighted all the parts 116 00:04:40,661 --> 00:04:43,181 you're playing. OK? So if the line is highlighted, 117 00:04:43,181 --> 00:04:45,581 you say it, right? OK. 118 00:04:50,181 --> 00:04:53,781 Richard Pritchard, represented by Sally Monteith. 119 00:04:53,781 --> 00:04:56,861 Um, and can I just say, even if I don't get the part, 120 00:04:56,861 --> 00:04:59,101 I think the script is fantastic. 121 00:04:59,101 --> 00:05:01,061 Don't creep, Richard, it's not becoming. 122 00:05:01,061 --> 00:05:03,461 Can you just...? Right. 123 00:05:03,461 --> 00:05:06,061 Well, let's just... Let's just try one. 124 00:05:09,461 --> 00:05:12,821 KEN HUMS A TUNE 125 00:05:12,821 --> 00:05:14,421 Wh-What are you doing? 126 00:05:14,421 --> 00:05:16,821 It says there's jazz music playing in the background, here. 127 00:05:16,821 --> 00:05:18,301 Yeah, well, take that as read. 128 00:05:18,301 --> 00:05:19,701 Oh, well, please yourself. 129 00:05:19,701 --> 00:05:23,101 For the benefit of the tape, we're taking the jazz music as read. 130 00:05:23,101 --> 00:05:24,501 Can you not talk to the tape? 131 00:05:24,501 --> 00:05:26,821 Just do the lines. Hmm. 132 00:05:26,821 --> 00:05:29,181 RICHARD SIGHS 133 00:05:30,541 --> 00:05:32,541 Good evening. 134 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,621 I wasn't sure you were going to turn up tonight. 135 00:05:36,781 --> 00:05:38,381 Good evening. 136 00:05:38,381 --> 00:05:41,661 I wasn't sure YOU were going to turn up tonight. 137 00:05:44,421 --> 00:05:46,661 Did you have any trouble finding the place? 138 00:05:46,661 --> 00:05:48,781 Did YOU have any trouble finding the place? 139 00:05:48,781 --> 00:05:50,381 WHISPERS: The highlighted line! 140 00:05:50,381 --> 00:05:52,141 Oh, yes, sorry, sorry. 141 00:05:52,141 --> 00:05:54,421 You said that, yeah. Yeah, I did. 142 00:05:54,421 --> 00:05:56,781 KEN CLEARS HIS THROAT 143 00:05:56,781 --> 00:05:59,981 Did you have trouble finding the place? 144 00:05:59,981 --> 00:06:01,341 Yes. 145 00:06:01,341 --> 00:06:04,101 But you managed to get here without being seen? 146 00:06:04,101 --> 00:06:05,581 Yes. 147 00:06:05,581 --> 00:06:07,181 Drink? 148 00:06:07,181 --> 00:06:08,901 Pint of heavy, if you're asking. 149 00:06:08,901 --> 00:06:10,101 Does it say that there? No. 150 00:06:10,101 --> 00:06:11,701 What does it say there? It says yes. 151 00:06:11,701 --> 00:06:13,141 Say yes, then. Yes. 152 00:06:14,261 --> 00:06:18,541 The money on the table - is it the amount we agreed on? 153 00:06:18,541 --> 00:06:20,101 Yes. 154 00:06:20,101 --> 00:06:22,021 WHISPERS: OK. Now the waiter arrives. 155 00:06:22,021 --> 00:06:24,541 WHISPERS: Oh, the waiter? Yes, the waiter. 156 00:06:24,541 --> 00:06:26,381 Yes? 157 00:06:26,381 --> 00:06:27,701 I'd like a martini. 158 00:06:27,701 --> 00:06:29,501 Would you like a martini? 159 00:06:30,981 --> 00:06:32,021 Yes. 160 00:06:32,021 --> 00:06:33,221 KEN SIGHS 161 00:06:33,221 --> 00:06:36,461 What? Is that all I ever get to say? I think my character... 162 00:06:36,461 --> 00:06:38,261 You don't have a character. 163 00:06:38,261 --> 00:06:41,301 Right, just skip forward to when the German officer enters. 164 00:06:41,301 --> 00:06:43,061 Hmm... Ah. 165 00:06:44,181 --> 00:06:45,981 Fredericks. Are you well? 166 00:06:45,981 --> 00:06:47,381 Ja. 167 00:06:47,381 --> 00:06:48,981 I mean, this is a bloody wind-up. 168 00:06:48,981 --> 00:06:52,261 Mademoiselle Arnaud, this is General Fredericks. 169 00:06:52,261 --> 00:06:54,181 COD GERMAN ACCENT: A very great pleasure. 170 00:06:54,181 --> 00:06:55,421 We talked about the accent. 171 00:06:55,421 --> 00:06:56,901 It needs the accent, Richard. 172 00:06:56,901 --> 00:07:00,541 A very great pleasure to meet you, Mademoiselle. 173 00:07:00,541 --> 00:07:02,461 Or should I say... 174 00:07:02,461 --> 00:07:04,221 ..meet you again? 175 00:07:04,221 --> 00:07:09,381 It was you I saw sneaking around my quarters last night, wasn't it, eh? 176 00:07:09,381 --> 00:07:12,861 I'm afraid you are going to have to come with me. 177 00:07:12,861 --> 00:07:14,421 And scene. 178 00:07:14,421 --> 00:07:16,221 No, don't say "and scene". Why not? 179 00:07:16,221 --> 00:07:18,221 Because I'm the actor. I want to say scene. 180 00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:20,621 Right, come on, let's do another one from the top. 181 00:07:20,621 --> 00:07:22,541 HE BREATHES DEEPLY 182 00:07:24,061 --> 00:07:25,541 Good evening. 183 00:07:24,061 --> 00:07:25,541 PHONE CHIMES 184 00:07:25,541 --> 00:07:27,861 Oh. Hold that thought. Hold that thought. 185 00:07:27,861 --> 00:07:30,461 Oh, it's from the Forres What Is App. 186 00:07:31,821 --> 00:07:34,581 Hey! What are they calling me now? 187 00:07:34,581 --> 00:07:36,581 How can they just start digging up the allotment 188 00:07:36,581 --> 00:07:38,021 without giving any notice? 189 00:07:38,021 --> 00:07:39,781 This is all your fault, you know. 190 00:07:39,781 --> 00:07:42,981 I could have been up there already, if you hadn't insisted on 191 00:07:42,981 --> 00:07:46,701 staying in so that I could pretend to be a bloody Nazi. 192 00:07:46,701 --> 00:07:49,661 Heil. Uh, hi. I meant hi. 193 00:07:49,661 --> 00:07:51,701 Just put the damn phone down! 194 00:07:51,701 --> 00:07:54,261 I need to get the audition to Sally before two o'clock, 195 00:07:54,261 --> 00:07:56,621 which means I've got no time to edit out your nonsense. 196 00:07:56,621 --> 00:07:58,701 Never mind the bloody audition! 197 00:07:58,701 --> 00:08:02,141 This is about saving a place your mother held most dear. 198 00:08:02,141 --> 00:08:03,941 Yeah, but... 199 00:08:02,141 --> 00:08:03,941 PHONE BEEPS 200 00:08:03,941 --> 00:08:05,501 OK, that's it sent. 201 00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,621 OK? 202 00:08:05,501 --> 00:08:07,621 KEN GRUNTS 203 00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:10,221 Hello, Darren. All right? 204 00:08:10,221 --> 00:08:12,581 Digsy. All right, Richie? 205 00:08:14,581 --> 00:08:16,061 You all right, mate? 206 00:08:17,141 --> 00:08:19,061 I'm meant to be meeting my dad here. 207 00:08:19,061 --> 00:08:20,941 My real dad, like. 208 00:08:20,941 --> 00:08:22,901 Found out who he was. 209 00:08:22,901 --> 00:08:25,941 Turns out he didn't move to America and invent the floppy disk. 210 00:08:28,261 --> 00:08:32,021 Found him a few weeks back, but it took me a while to... 211 00:08:34,821 --> 00:08:37,661 Sent him a letter saying I'd be here at half ten, 212 00:08:37,661 --> 00:08:39,181 if he wanted to meet me. 213 00:08:39,181 --> 00:08:43,461 Maybe he got held up or maybe he got the day wrong. 214 00:08:43,461 --> 00:08:46,341 I mean, that's dads for you. That's what my dad would do. 215 00:08:46,341 --> 00:08:47,861 Um... 216 00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:53,501 Or maybe he wanted to come but got a bit scared? 217 00:08:56,461 --> 00:08:59,341 Oi, you thieving git! 218 00:08:59,341 --> 00:09:01,261 The tree? 219 00:09:01,261 --> 00:09:03,301 Oh, right. 220 00:09:05,781 --> 00:09:07,501 Take care, mate. 221 00:09:08,541 --> 00:09:10,621 All right, Richie? Carl. 222 00:09:12,381 --> 00:09:15,141 Richard, are you coming or what?! 223 00:09:15,141 --> 00:09:17,861 CHANTING: We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved! 224 00:09:17,861 --> 00:09:21,901 We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved! 225 00:09:21,901 --> 00:09:25,501 The drink and drugs really took its toll on my work. 226 00:09:25,501 --> 00:09:28,061 I was a frogman by trade, you see. 227 00:09:28,061 --> 00:09:31,621 I started seeing things under the water. 228 00:09:31,621 --> 00:09:33,301 So I got let go 229 00:09:33,301 --> 00:09:38,061 after claiming I had a conversation with Shergar in the Thames. 230 00:09:38,061 --> 00:09:39,901 CHANTING CONTINUES 231 00:09:39,901 --> 00:09:42,821 Is there literally anyone else here I can talk to? 232 00:09:42,821 --> 00:09:44,701 What's going on? Who's in charge here? 233 00:09:44,701 --> 00:09:45,901 I am. I am. I can be. 234 00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:47,981 Well, which one is it? Me. 235 00:09:47,981 --> 00:09:52,741 My days of playing second fiddle to you, Pritchard, are over! 236 00:09:52,741 --> 00:09:58,541 For it is not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves! 237 00:09:58,541 --> 00:10:03,381 We gave written permission for work to begin on this land weeks ago. 238 00:10:03,381 --> 00:10:07,541 I have been emailing the Save Our Allotment email address constantly, 239 00:10:07,541 --> 00:10:09,421 to no response. 240 00:10:09,421 --> 00:10:12,581 The contact I was given was Horace Williams. 241 00:10:15,661 --> 00:10:18,701 Well, Richard, aren't you going to answer the lady? 242 00:10:18,701 --> 00:10:23,341 What? Written permission or no, this is an outrage! 243 00:10:23,341 --> 00:10:28,221 The people have the power, and the people shall not be moved! 244 00:10:28,221 --> 00:10:30,501 Yeah. Nae pasaran! 245 00:10:30,501 --> 00:10:31,661 Exactly. 246 00:10:31,661 --> 00:10:33,381 And free Nelson Mandela! 247 00:10:33,381 --> 00:10:34,901 What? No, no! 248 00:10:34,901 --> 00:10:37,221 No, but it's that type of thing, isn't it? 249 00:10:37,221 --> 00:10:38,981 We shall not be moved. 250 00:10:38,981 --> 00:10:42,301 We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved! 251 00:10:42,301 --> 00:10:45,821 We shall not be moved! We shall not be moved! 252 00:10:45,821 --> 00:10:47,781 We shall not be moved! 253 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:51,341 Excuse me, do you mind moving? Sorry, if you could just move. 254 00:10:51,341 --> 00:10:53,381 Just move, thank you. We shall not be moved! 255 00:10:53,381 --> 00:10:55,541 Emily... I don't think so, buddy. 256 00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:58,301 I just need to speak to her for a minute. I said no, man! 257 00:10:58,301 --> 00:10:59,981 Look, I don't want a confrontation here, 258 00:10:59,981 --> 00:11:02,221 but you need to know that I am trained in stage combat. 259 00:11:02,221 --> 00:11:03,501 Well, I think you should probably know 260 00:11:03,501 --> 00:11:05,461 that I'm a black belt in taekwondo. 261 00:11:05,461 --> 00:11:08,381 Well, you also need to know that my hamstring is a bit tight actually 262 00:11:08,381 --> 00:11:10,021 and it wouldn't be a fair fight. 263 00:11:10,021 --> 00:11:11,901 Yeah, and you wouldn't be able to run away as fast. 264 00:11:11,901 --> 00:11:14,781 And can you just stop standing there with your fists clenched? 265 00:11:14,781 --> 00:11:18,021 I mean, honestly, this was just a big misunderstanding. 266 00:11:18,021 --> 00:11:20,981 Hello, Beth. Ken. I've been speaking with mother 267 00:11:20,981 --> 00:11:23,661 and we think it's only right that she shouldn't talk to you right now. 268 00:11:23,661 --> 00:11:24,941 Hello, Ken. 269 00:11:24,941 --> 00:11:27,261 Ladies, will you please just let me do my job and protect you! 270 00:11:27,261 --> 00:11:28,941 Protect us from who? Them? 271 00:11:28,941 --> 00:11:31,981 What did she say? How can kissing him be a misunderstanding? 272 00:11:31,981 --> 00:11:34,021 I mean, you can't exactly get us mixed up. 273 00:11:34,021 --> 00:11:35,341 I mean, look at him! 274 00:11:35,341 --> 00:11:38,581 You get me in the gym for six months and I'll look like you! 275 00:11:38,581 --> 00:11:40,981 Six?! Yeah, well, only if I trained you 276 00:11:40,981 --> 00:11:42,941 and you followed a strict diet regime. 277 00:11:42,941 --> 00:11:44,901 Oh, I'd take that deal, if I was you, son. 278 00:11:44,901 --> 00:11:46,541 He's not actually offering it, Dad. 279 00:11:46,541 --> 00:11:49,341 Are you? No. Yeah. I thought so. 280 00:11:49,341 --> 00:11:51,621 OVER LOUD HAILER: Ladies and gentlemen, 281 00:11:51,621 --> 00:11:56,301 please create a pathway, as work is about to commence. 282 00:11:56,301 --> 00:11:59,101 Quickly, attach yourself to the person next to you. 283 00:11:59,101 --> 00:12:02,341 We're forming a blockade, or a wall, if you will, 284 00:12:02,341 --> 00:12:04,261 to stop the diggers getting in. 285 00:12:04,261 --> 00:12:06,341 Why have you got so many pairs of handcuffs? 286 00:12:06,341 --> 00:12:08,021 Do you really want the answer to that question? 287 00:12:08,021 --> 00:12:09,421 Why do we even need handcuffs? 288 00:12:09,421 --> 00:12:11,461 Why don't we just sit down to stop the diggers? 289 00:12:11,461 --> 00:12:14,781 What are you doing? Eh? This way I can keep an eye on you. 290 00:12:14,781 --> 00:12:17,821 Oh, great. Make sure the gate is blocked. 291 00:12:17,821 --> 00:12:20,381 We must form a human centipede. 292 00:12:20,381 --> 00:12:22,661 Oh, OK, I think you mean chain, Mr Williams. 293 00:12:22,661 --> 00:12:24,621 He better. Keep your positions. 294 00:12:24,621 --> 00:12:27,861 Remember your motivation. You're part of a wall. 295 00:12:27,861 --> 00:12:30,781 If you need to draw on anything, draw on your favourite wall. 296 00:12:30,781 --> 00:12:33,421 I'm using Berlin, so you can't use that one, Richard. 297 00:12:33,421 --> 00:12:35,701 Well, fine. I'll be the Great Wall of China. 298 00:12:35,701 --> 00:12:37,221 No, I want that one. 299 00:12:37,221 --> 00:12:41,621 Everyone, I am the Great Wall of China. 300 00:12:41,621 --> 00:12:46,141 Well, I can't see a digger getting through here. 301 00:12:46,141 --> 00:12:49,421 The diggers are already inside. 302 00:12:49,421 --> 00:12:50,741 What? 303 00:12:52,421 --> 00:12:54,381 You didn't think to check?! 304 00:12:54,381 --> 00:12:55,981 Thank you. 305 00:13:00,821 --> 00:13:02,781 Right, well, at least you can unlock us from these. 306 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:04,981 Where are the keys? What did you say? 307 00:13:04,981 --> 00:13:07,061 The keys! For the handcuffs. 308 00:13:07,061 --> 00:13:12,781 As Macbeth said, my dull mind was wrought with things forgotten. 309 00:13:12,781 --> 00:13:14,941 You haven't got them? No. Brilliant. 310 00:13:17,181 --> 00:13:19,661 I was a frogman by trade, you see. 311 00:13:19,661 --> 00:13:22,941 Got let go after claiming I had a conversation 312 00:13:22,941 --> 00:13:25,301 with Shergar in the Thames. 313 00:13:25,301 --> 00:13:28,221 One of the builders have gone to get some bolt-cutters. 314 00:13:28,221 --> 00:13:30,421 You should be out of cuffs soon. 315 00:13:30,421 --> 00:13:32,021 Can I get anyone water? 316 00:13:32,021 --> 00:13:33,501 Have you got any sparkling? 317 00:13:33,501 --> 00:13:34,981 Or with added electrolytes? 318 00:13:34,981 --> 00:13:36,061 Just water. 319 00:13:38,101 --> 00:13:41,461 Well, looks like we're going to be here for a while, then. 320 00:13:41,461 --> 00:13:43,421 Anyone want to play I-spy? 321 00:13:43,421 --> 00:13:45,981 OTHERS: No. 322 00:13:45,981 --> 00:13:47,901 What about the Minister's Cat? 323 00:13:47,901 --> 00:13:51,661 Richard, you were very good at that, if a little showy. 324 00:13:51,661 --> 00:13:53,981 No, I'm fine, Mr Williams. 325 00:13:57,621 --> 00:14:01,221 I was worried you'd maybe fallen out with me, Beth. 326 00:14:01,221 --> 00:14:03,301 The minister's cat is an adorable cat. 327 00:14:03,301 --> 00:14:05,301 No. Nothing like that. 328 00:14:05,301 --> 00:14:07,821 I've just been doing some thinking. 329 00:14:07,821 --> 00:14:09,301 Because I sent some messages. 330 00:14:09,301 --> 00:14:11,101 Quite a few, actually. 331 00:14:11,101 --> 00:14:12,701 Somebody needs to do B. 332 00:14:12,701 --> 00:14:14,821 Did you? I haven't got them. 333 00:14:14,821 --> 00:14:16,701 That's because you don't put your mobile data on. 334 00:14:16,701 --> 00:14:19,141 Oh, God. My mum never did that either. 335 00:14:19,141 --> 00:14:20,541 It was infuriating. 336 00:14:20,541 --> 00:14:22,541 She thought getting a text message outside the house 337 00:14:22,541 --> 00:14:23,941 would bankrupt her. 338 00:14:23,941 --> 00:14:25,941 Don't think anyone else is playing now. 339 00:14:25,941 --> 00:14:30,541 The thing is, Ken, I've been thinking about your proposal, 340 00:14:30,541 --> 00:14:33,621 and I know I said yes at the time, 341 00:14:33,621 --> 00:14:35,981 but maybe that was a bit rash of me. 342 00:14:35,981 --> 00:14:38,061 What's she saying, Richard? 343 00:14:39,821 --> 00:14:41,301 She's... 344 00:14:41,301 --> 00:14:46,701 She's saying that she's been thinking about your proposal and... 345 00:14:48,421 --> 00:14:52,981 ..even though she said yes at the time, that maybe it's a bit rash. 346 00:14:52,981 --> 00:14:54,861 She's got a rash!? 347 00:14:54,861 --> 00:14:57,061 Do you need someone to interpret for me as well? 348 00:14:57,061 --> 00:14:58,701 Tell him, Richard. 349 00:14:58,701 --> 00:15:00,541 He's a lovely man. 350 00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:02,101 A wonderful man. 351 00:15:03,461 --> 00:15:06,661 You're a lovely, wonderful man. 352 00:15:06,661 --> 00:15:09,581 And I'm so very glad I met him. 353 00:15:09,581 --> 00:15:13,501 Even thinking about getting married to him has taught me something. 354 00:15:13,501 --> 00:15:15,661 That maybe... 355 00:15:15,661 --> 00:15:17,541 ..I can love again. 356 00:15:19,221 --> 00:15:22,061 Maybe in the future, not now. 357 00:15:22,061 --> 00:15:25,501 Just...not now. 358 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:31,501 I'm so very happy that I met you 359 00:15:31,501 --> 00:15:36,221 and even thinking about marrying you... 360 00:15:36,221 --> 00:15:38,741 Is this you or Beth? Who do you think?! 361 00:15:38,741 --> 00:15:42,101 Right, I'm going to say this in the third person, right? 362 00:15:42,101 --> 00:15:46,261 She says that even thinking about marrying you 363 00:15:46,261 --> 00:15:50,621 has taught her that she could love again... 364 00:15:52,021 --> 00:15:53,301 ..but... 365 00:15:54,501 --> 00:15:56,301 ..just not now. 366 00:15:56,301 --> 00:15:57,901 Oh, I see. 367 00:15:57,901 --> 00:15:59,541 Not... 368 00:15:59,541 --> 00:16:01,781 Not now, not now, right, OK. 369 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:05,981 Not... Not now, right? 370 00:16:05,981 --> 00:16:08,061 I am sorry. 371 00:16:08,061 --> 00:16:11,021 Did you say sorry? No, no! 372 00:16:11,021 --> 00:16:12,581 Don't... 373 00:16:12,581 --> 00:16:14,501 Don't be sorry! 374 00:16:14,501 --> 00:16:16,181 WHISPERS: Come on. 375 00:16:16,181 --> 00:16:19,701 I... I maybe just got a wee bit carried away. 376 00:16:19,701 --> 00:16:22,221 Yeah, maybe I did too. 377 00:16:25,901 --> 00:16:27,301 Are you going to be OK? 378 00:16:27,301 --> 00:16:29,461 Pancake Day? Yeah, you'll be fine. 379 00:16:29,461 --> 00:16:33,101 How do you turn this mobile data thing on, love? 380 00:16:33,101 --> 00:16:34,901 Oh, um, you just... 381 00:16:35,981 --> 00:16:37,581 ..there you go. Oh. 382 00:16:37,581 --> 00:16:39,061 PHONE CHIMES REPEATEDLY 383 00:16:39,061 --> 00:16:40,421 Oh. 384 00:16:40,421 --> 00:16:42,781 It's beeping all over the place. 385 00:16:42,781 --> 00:16:45,541 VOICEMAIL: You have seven new messages. 386 00:16:45,541 --> 00:16:48,621 First message received today at 10.34am. 387 00:16:50,341 --> 00:16:52,501 ON PHONE: Hello, Beth. It's Ken here. 388 00:16:52,501 --> 00:16:55,181 Ken Pritchard. Again. 389 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,021 You can't take my call right now, 390 00:16:58,021 --> 00:17:01,061 so I'm leaving you a message after the tone. 391 00:17:01,061 --> 00:17:02,781 Cheery-bye, then. 392 00:17:02,781 --> 00:17:04,901 I better call him back. 393 00:17:04,901 --> 00:17:07,261 You just spoke to him, Beth. 394 00:17:07,261 --> 00:17:08,861 Oh, yes, so I did. 395 00:17:10,461 --> 00:17:12,741 ON PHONE: Are you winding me up!? Eh? 396 00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:14,501 I'm just trying you, Beth. I want to say sorry 397 00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:15,661 for not telling you about... 398 00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:18,301 Please tell me you hung up. It used to be that... 399 00:17:18,301 --> 00:17:20,861 Nothing good has ever come from your mouth that started with 400 00:17:20,861 --> 00:17:22,461 "it used to be that". 401 00:17:22,461 --> 00:17:27,021 It used to be that when you put the phone down, that was it, 402 00:17:27,021 --> 00:17:30,341 it was hung up! And now it's all blooming buttons and things. 403 00:17:30,341 --> 00:17:32,261 No, there's just one button you press once! 404 00:17:32,261 --> 00:17:34,501 ON PHONE: Brilliant. What a fantastic way 405 00:17:34,501 --> 00:17:36,981 for everyone to know that I'm in love with Emily, 406 00:17:36,981 --> 00:17:39,181 just as she's about to fly halfway round the world with her... 407 00:17:40,741 --> 00:17:43,741 PNEUMATIC DRILL JUDDERS 408 00:17:48,181 --> 00:17:49,981 Is, uh... 409 00:17:51,061 --> 00:17:53,101 Is my mobile data on? 410 00:17:53,101 --> 00:17:54,621 I very much doubt it. 411 00:17:57,621 --> 00:18:00,021 I was a frogman by trade, you see. 412 00:18:00,021 --> 00:18:01,781 THUNDER RUMBLES 413 00:18:01,781 --> 00:18:03,181 Aye... 414 00:18:16,861 --> 00:18:19,941 Well, we made a great job of looking after the allotment 415 00:18:19,941 --> 00:18:21,941 for your mother, didn't we, eh? 416 00:18:21,941 --> 00:18:24,221 There you go. 417 00:18:25,901 --> 00:18:31,061 Ach, well, we've still got the train station, haven't we, eh? 418 00:18:45,621 --> 00:18:49,661 Oh, hey. Emily, please don't go to New Zealand. 419 00:18:49,661 --> 00:18:51,461 What?! 420 00:18:51,461 --> 00:18:53,341 Wow! 421 00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:56,061 This guy does not quit. 422 00:18:56,061 --> 00:18:57,661 I actually have to hand it to you, 423 00:18:57,661 --> 00:19:00,461 persistence is one of the key fundamental tenets of success. 424 00:19:00,461 --> 00:19:02,821 I did a podcast about it. You don't want to be with him. 425 00:19:02,821 --> 00:19:05,341 He does podcasts! I've never seen him laugh. 426 00:19:05,341 --> 00:19:06,981 I can laugh. Well, go on, then. 427 00:19:06,981 --> 00:19:09,341 What, just now? If it's so easy. 428 00:19:09,341 --> 00:19:11,181 Yeah, sure. I mean, I'll... I'll... 429 00:19:11,181 --> 00:19:12,501 I'll laugh. 430 00:19:12,501 --> 00:19:14,701 HE LAUGHS INSINCERELY 431 00:19:14,701 --> 00:19:16,021 Wait, that doesn't count. 432 00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:17,781 No, whereas me... 433 00:19:18,821 --> 00:19:20,541 HE LAUGHS 434 00:19:20,541 --> 00:19:22,901 Yeah. Come on, I win! 435 00:19:22,901 --> 00:19:25,141 Do you feel like a winner? 436 00:19:25,141 --> 00:19:28,181 No. Not really. Don't listen to him, Emily. 437 00:19:28,181 --> 00:19:29,981 You're going to love New Zealand. 438 00:19:29,981 --> 00:19:32,861 I've made loads of plans for us to get lost in the moment. 439 00:19:32,861 --> 00:19:35,501 You're forward-planning us getting lost in the moment? 440 00:19:35,501 --> 00:19:37,861 Well, yeah. You said you wanted to do more of that, right? 441 00:19:37,861 --> 00:19:38,981 Tim... 442 00:19:40,941 --> 00:19:42,661 You're a lovely guy, OK. 443 00:19:42,661 --> 00:19:45,261 A wonderful guy in fact, and, 444 00:19:45,261 --> 00:19:49,861 you know, I am so very happy that I met you. 445 00:19:49,861 --> 00:19:53,221 You know, even thinking about moving to New Zealand with you 446 00:19:53,221 --> 00:19:55,421 has taught me something that... 447 00:19:55,421 --> 00:19:59,781 ..that maybe one day I can move to New Zealand in the future. 448 00:19:59,781 --> 00:20:04,621 Wait. This is exactly the same thing that my mum just said to Ken. 449 00:20:04,621 --> 00:20:06,941 The template's the same, sure. 450 00:20:08,021 --> 00:20:09,861 So you're breaking up with me? 451 00:20:09,861 --> 00:20:11,661 I'm... I'm sorry. 452 00:20:12,981 --> 00:20:15,381 You're...you're a really lovely guy. 453 00:20:15,381 --> 00:20:17,341 Yeah, you're really nice. Shut up! Shut up. 454 00:20:17,341 --> 00:20:18,701 Sure. 455 00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:22,621 Well...so there it goes. 456 00:20:18,701 --> 00:20:22,621 HE GASPS 457 00:20:25,421 --> 00:20:27,341 This might be the wrong time, 458 00:20:27,341 --> 00:20:30,221 but do you fancy going for dinner tonight? Wow! 459 00:20:30,221 --> 00:20:32,941 Too soon? It's too soon. Yeah, yeah, I thought it might be. 460 00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:36,941 Richard, you have had since we were 16 to ask me out. 461 00:20:36,941 --> 00:20:38,981 You could have asked me out three months ago, 462 00:20:38,981 --> 00:20:41,061 but you chose to go to Norway. 463 00:20:41,061 --> 00:20:43,781 I've always been plan B. 464 00:20:43,781 --> 00:20:45,661 You were my plan A. 465 00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:47,381 Not now, Tim. Sorry. 466 00:20:47,381 --> 00:20:49,861 No, I am going to go travelling. 467 00:20:49,861 --> 00:20:51,461 I'm going to do it on my own, 468 00:20:51,461 --> 00:20:54,501 and for once in my life, I'm going to do something just for me. 469 00:20:54,501 --> 00:20:56,581 No. I get it. 470 00:20:57,621 --> 00:21:01,061 But just to be clear, you don't want me to come with you? 471 00:21:01,061 --> 00:21:03,261 Halt! Halt! 472 00:21:09,261 --> 00:21:11,861 Take a look at this! Look, have you seen this? Look. 473 00:21:11,861 --> 00:21:13,341 What's happening? 474 00:21:13,341 --> 00:21:14,981 I've no idea. 475 00:21:18,621 --> 00:21:21,541 You're going to have to hang around until the police get here, 476 00:21:21,541 --> 00:21:22,741 I'm afraid. Police?! 477 00:21:22,741 --> 00:21:24,181 We've found bones in the earth. 478 00:21:24,181 --> 00:21:26,941 Bones? What kind of bones? Chicken bones? 479 00:21:26,941 --> 00:21:29,501 Yeah, they've stopped digging because they're found someone's KFC. 480 00:21:29,501 --> 00:21:32,141 Human bones? Alas, poor Yorick. 481 00:21:32,141 --> 00:21:35,221 We don't know, but all work will need to be halted 482 00:21:35,221 --> 00:21:38,221 until further notice. Excuse me. Excuse me. 483 00:21:38,221 --> 00:21:39,621 Excuse me. 484 00:21:42,981 --> 00:21:44,341 Bones! 485 00:21:44,341 --> 00:21:47,181 CHANTING: Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! 486 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:51,461 Guys, I think this is a bit distasteful. 487 00:21:59,861 --> 00:22:02,141 HE SNIFFLES 488 00:22:13,381 --> 00:22:15,101 Woohoo! 489 00:22:18,901 --> 00:22:20,461 Oh, hello. 490 00:22:20,461 --> 00:22:23,061 I wanted to give you this. 491 00:22:23,061 --> 00:22:24,541 Oh. 492 00:22:24,541 --> 00:22:28,901 Tim's asked me to go to New Zealand with him, just till he settles in. 493 00:22:30,381 --> 00:22:33,901 I thought you could look after this till I get back? 494 00:22:35,221 --> 00:22:37,021 Oh, right. 495 00:22:37,021 --> 00:22:38,901 It's a pear tree. 496 00:22:40,301 --> 00:22:43,981 It's blossom is meant to represent lasting friendship. 497 00:22:48,541 --> 00:22:50,501 You don't get nothing. 498 00:22:56,061 --> 00:22:57,701 Pint of heavy? 499 00:22:59,981 --> 00:23:02,861 Yeah, why not? 500 00:23:08,701 --> 00:23:11,301 Oh, bugger, I've left my phone! 501 00:23:11,301 --> 00:23:13,061 It's all right, I'll get it. 502 00:23:30,381 --> 00:23:31,741 Hello there. 503 00:23:33,541 --> 00:23:34,861 All right? 504 00:23:37,661 --> 00:23:39,901 Sorry about earlier. I just... 505 00:23:41,501 --> 00:23:43,061 ..couldn't. 506 00:23:46,661 --> 00:23:48,981 What have you got there? 507 00:23:48,981 --> 00:23:50,781 It's a plum tree. 508 00:23:50,781 --> 00:23:52,781 I like plums. 509 00:23:55,421 --> 00:23:56,941 Me too. 510 00:24:12,381 --> 00:24:15,381 For God's sake, are we going to get this pint? 511 00:24:15,381 --> 00:24:17,261 Have you got the phone?! 512 00:24:17,261 --> 00:24:19,141 Yes, Dad. 513 00:24:23,621 --> 00:24:26,381 LIVELY MUSIC AND CHATTER 514 00:24:37,621 --> 00:24:39,021 Ta. 515 00:24:42,181 --> 00:24:44,501 So, where are you going to go, then? 516 00:24:45,701 --> 00:24:47,141 TBC. 517 00:24:47,141 --> 00:24:48,981 To be continued. 518 00:24:48,981 --> 00:24:50,661 To be confirmed. 519 00:24:50,661 --> 00:24:53,021 Oh, that TBC. 520 00:24:54,901 --> 00:24:59,261 Well...when you get back, I'll still feel the same. 521 00:25:01,941 --> 00:25:04,501 Well, thanks for finally telling me how you feel.. 522 00:25:06,381 --> 00:25:10,821 ..even if it was in a voicemail from your dad to my ex-boyfriend's mum. 523 00:25:10,821 --> 00:25:14,901 Well, I guess I figured - "What's the modern-day equivalent 524 00:25:14,901 --> 00:25:16,581 "of a message in a bottle?" 525 00:25:18,861 --> 00:25:21,101 I can't believe I've messed this up so badly. 526 00:25:22,661 --> 00:25:25,061 I'm not saying never, Richard. 527 00:25:26,501 --> 00:25:31,061 I guess you and me can be TBC for now. 528 00:25:31,061 --> 00:25:32,741 To be confirmed? 529 00:25:32,741 --> 00:25:34,581 To be continued. 530 00:25:34,581 --> 00:25:36,341 Oh, the other one this time. 531 00:25:36,341 --> 00:25:37,741 What? 532 00:25:37,741 --> 00:25:41,061 Have you ever thought about auditioning for comedy roles? 533 00:25:41,061 --> 00:25:43,181 I think you'd be quite good. 534 00:25:43,181 --> 00:25:45,261 Casting directors disagree. 535 00:25:45,261 --> 00:25:47,581 Well, why don't you write your own show? 536 00:25:47,581 --> 00:25:49,221 Hello, Jen. 537 00:25:49,221 --> 00:25:51,821 GLASSES CLATTER 538 00:25:53,581 --> 00:25:55,141 What WOULD I write about? 539 00:25:55,141 --> 00:25:56,981 TAPPING ON A GLASS 540 00:25:56,981 --> 00:26:01,381 Ladies and gentlemen, a toast to the Greenfield Allotments, 541 00:26:01,381 --> 00:26:03,261 who live to fight another day! 542 00:26:03,261 --> 00:26:05,061 CHEERING 543 00:26:05,061 --> 00:26:08,661 And while we're celebrating, my wife and I would like to announce 544 00:26:08,661 --> 00:26:11,101 that we have decided to renew our wedding vows. 545 00:26:11,101 --> 00:26:13,741 Oh, and you're all invited. 546 00:26:15,861 --> 00:26:17,541 Oh, no, no, sorry. 547 00:26:17,541 --> 00:26:20,181 Shirley, I didn't see you there. 548 00:26:20,181 --> 00:26:23,621 Three stars on Tripadvisor, indeed. 549 00:26:23,621 --> 00:26:26,461 Anyway, on with the party! 550 00:26:34,221 --> 00:26:38,061 You all right? Yeah. I think so. 551 00:26:39,381 --> 00:26:40,741 So, what now? 552 00:26:40,741 --> 00:26:42,701 What now? 553 00:26:42,701 --> 00:26:47,261 Well, we're going to get up, we're going to get dressed, 554 00:26:47,261 --> 00:26:50,341 and we're going to keep buggering on. 555 00:26:50,341 --> 00:26:52,861 PHONE RINGS 556 00:26:58,141 --> 00:27:01,301 Sally, hi. Richard, I've just heard back. 557 00:27:01,301 --> 00:27:03,061 It's a no, I'm afraid. 558 00:27:03,061 --> 00:27:05,941 Right. But the casting director wants to ask 559 00:27:05,941 --> 00:27:08,901 if the other actor was available. 560 00:27:08,901 --> 00:27:10,421 Which actor? 561 00:27:10,421 --> 00:27:12,421 The one reading the other lines. 562 00:27:17,501 --> 00:27:19,381 Are you taking the piss? 563 00:27:19,381 --> 00:27:20,981 Eh?