1 00:00:50,291 --> 00:00:52,291 -Hi. -Hi. 2 00:00:53,458 --> 00:00:55,166 Oh, wait. Don't kiss me. I just woke up. 3 00:00:55,249 --> 00:00:58,458 No, it doesn't matter. They're good luck kisses. 4 00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:01,249 - Oh, fuck. Wait. My presentation. -What? 5 00:01:01,333 --> 00:01:03,792 -Wait, what time is it? -You're good. You're good. You're good. It's eight. 6 00:01:03,875 --> 00:01:05,541 -Okay. -You're good. 7 00:01:05,625 --> 00:01:08,041 -I'm so fucking nervous. -You got it. 8 00:01:08,124 --> 00:01:09,999 -Mm, I can't fuck this up. -You're gonna be... 9 00:01:10,083 --> 00:01:12,249 You're gonna be amazing. 10 00:01:15,458 --> 00:01:17,249 Want me to walk you to school? 11 00:01:17,333 --> 00:01:21,041 Mm, I think I wanna listen to music and clear my head, 12 00:01:21,124 --> 00:01:23,500 but I love you. 13 00:01:23,583 --> 00:01:25,833 I love you, too. 14 00:01:35,875 --> 00:01:38,291 -Go. Go. 15 00:02:13,583 --> 00:02:16,875 You know whatever happens today, I'm proud of you. 16 00:02:59,416 --> 00:03:01,166 Ooh. 17 00:03:01,249 --> 00:03:02,999 Can you believe it? 18 00:03:03,083 --> 00:03:05,124 It's everything we dreamed of. 19 00:03:05,999 --> 00:03:07,833 -Mm. I love you. -I love you. 20 00:03:45,375 --> 00:03:46,667 Shit. 21 00:04:26,541 --> 00:04:28,667 Server: You had pancakes, right? 22 00:04:35,249 --> 00:04:37,083 Look, Ali, I know you don't believe me, 23 00:04:37,166 --> 00:04:40,291 but I'm, I'm doing really good, actually. 24 00:04:40,375 --> 00:04:42,208 -Is that so? -Yeah. 25 00:04:42,291 --> 00:04:44,416 -Mm. -Yeah, for sure. I mean it, you know, 26 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:48,583 could suddenly shit flip and get super dark? Yeah, you know. 27 00:04:48,667 --> 00:04:50,875 I mean it could, but... 28 00:04:50,958 --> 00:04:54,375 I feel like I've found this, like, amazing balance, 29 00:04:54,458 --> 00:04:57,917 where I'm like happy and healthy, and I'm not, like, 30 00:04:57,999 --> 00:05:02,541 looking to anybody else for that happiness, you know? 31 00:05:02,625 --> 00:05:05,124 Fuckin' Jules. 32 00:05:05,208 --> 00:05:06,625 The way I was, like, 33 00:05:06,708 --> 00:05:08,958 putting way too much of my emotional well-being 34 00:05:09,041 --> 00:05:11,291 in her hands, you know, without ever, like, talking about it, 35 00:05:11,375 --> 00:05:13,291 or, or saying it. I... 36 00:05:13,375 --> 00:05:14,958 Especially the way I was fuckin'... 37 00:05:15,041 --> 00:05:18,249 making plans for the rest of our life and shit. And I just... 38 00:05:20,708 --> 00:05:22,375 And I look back and I'm just like, 39 00:05:22,458 --> 00:05:23,833 why the fuck did I do that? 40 00:05:23,917 --> 00:05:26,708 It's fuckin' crazy. And weird. 41 00:05:28,708 --> 00:05:30,500 Eh, I don't know. 42 00:05:30,583 --> 00:05:33,875 I guess I just, like, made her the point. 43 00:05:33,999 --> 00:05:36,375 But she's, like, not the point. 44 00:05:36,458 --> 00:05:38,083 I'm the point, you know? 45 00:05:38,166 --> 00:05:42,291 Hmmph. The point is your sobriety. 46 00:05:42,375 --> 00:05:43,833 Yeah. Of course. Yeah. 47 00:05:43,917 --> 00:05:47,625 And, and like, my, my general overall well-being. 48 00:05:47,708 --> 00:05:49,792 Which starts with your sobriety. 49 00:05:51,750 --> 00:05:53,166 Yeah. Mm-hmm. 50 00:05:53,249 --> 00:05:57,458 And, like, finding an emotional balance, you know? 51 00:05:57,541 --> 00:06:00,667 You just said you found an amazing balance. 52 00:06:00,750 --> 00:06:02,875 I, I did. 53 00:06:02,958 --> 00:06:06,958 I have. I, I mean, but I'm not perfect, you know, so... 54 00:06:07,041 --> 00:06:09,458 I'm, I'm sane, though. 55 00:06:09,541 --> 00:06:13,958 Like, I'm sane. Saner. I'm making sane decisions. 56 00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:16,792 Rue. You're high. 57 00:06:18,875 --> 00:06:21,124 I feel like you're not listening to what I'm saying. 58 00:06:21,208 --> 00:06:24,708 Rue, I don't think you're listening to what you're saying. 59 00:06:24,792 --> 00:06:26,708 I feel like that's physically impossible. 60 00:06:26,792 --> 00:06:28,708 To what? Talk some bullshit? 61 00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,667 Huh. 62 00:06:33,708 --> 00:06:35,249 You know, 63 00:06:35,333 --> 00:06:39,833 that's what, like, I, I don't understand about the world. 64 00:06:39,917 --> 00:06:42,541 'Cause, like, there is tons of people who, you know, 65 00:06:42,625 --> 00:06:45,458 drink and do drugs, and sometimes their life is good. 66 00:06:45,541 --> 00:06:48,166 And sometimes, life's just bad, you know? 67 00:06:48,249 --> 00:06:50,625 It's fucking life. There's ups and downs to this shit, but, 68 00:06:50,708 --> 00:06:53,083 I mean, whether you believe me or not, 69 00:06:53,166 --> 00:06:55,708 -I'm, like, I'm good. -Yeah, yeah, you said that. 70 00:06:55,792 --> 00:06:57,917 Yeah, I mean, it's not like I'm doing a bunch of shit. 71 00:06:57,999 --> 00:06:59,458 I'm just smoking a little bit of weed, 72 00:06:59,541 --> 00:07:02,917 and taking some pills that were prescribed to me. 73 00:07:02,999 --> 00:07:05,708 My point is, it's not gonna last. 74 00:07:05,792 --> 00:07:07,917 Yeah, well, neither do my moods when I'm sober. 75 00:07:07,999 --> 00:07:10,166 Okay, well, you know, I'm not saying you're, um, 76 00:07:10,249 --> 00:07:12,458 a paragon of mental health. You've got your issues, 77 00:07:12,541 --> 00:07:14,083 and you're gonna be struggling with those issues 78 00:07:14,166 --> 00:07:16,291 for the rest of your life. That's a fact. 79 00:07:16,375 --> 00:07:19,041 The problem is, is that you look at sobriety 80 00:07:19,124 --> 00:07:20,792 as a weakness in the face of those issues, 81 00:07:20,875 --> 00:07:22,416 and what I'm saying is, 82 00:07:22,500 --> 00:07:25,083 sobriety is your greatest weapon. 83 00:07:25,166 --> 00:07:28,208 Yeah. 84 00:07:33,458 --> 00:07:35,917 Ali, can I tell you something? 85 00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:38,750 -Yeah. -Like, for real, if-- 86 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,166 If I say some dark shit, 87 00:07:40,249 --> 00:07:41,833 you're not gonna report me to the state or something? 88 00:07:41,917 --> 00:07:44,958 Uh, Rue, I'm not a guidance counselor. 89 00:07:45,041 --> 00:07:47,833 I'm just a crackhead who's trying to do a little good on this Earth 90 00:07:47,917 --> 00:07:50,583 -before I die. 91 00:07:50,667 --> 00:07:52,875 Uh, you're, you're a trip, man. 92 00:07:52,958 --> 00:07:54,333 -What were you gonna say? -Ah. 93 00:07:54,416 --> 00:07:56,124 -It doesn't matter. It's stupid. -All right, I'm sorry. Come on. 94 00:07:56,208 --> 00:07:59,249 -What were you gonna say? Say it. -Nah. I don't wanna-- 95 00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:00,667 Say it. 96 00:08:06,249 --> 00:08:07,583 Um... 97 00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:15,583 When I'm, uh, when I'm clean, you know, 98 00:08:15,667 --> 00:08:17,667 when I'm present, uh, 99 00:08:17,750 --> 00:08:21,500 like a part of this world, I don't just think about relapsing. 100 00:08:21,583 --> 00:08:24,041 It's, uh, it's darker than that. 101 00:08:25,625 --> 00:08:29,458 And, uh, you can say that sobriety is my, uh, 102 00:08:29,541 --> 00:08:32,500 greatest weapon, but... 103 00:08:32,583 --> 00:08:35,166 To tell you the truth, drugs are probably the only reason 104 00:08:35,249 --> 00:08:36,958 I haven't killed myself. 105 00:08:43,625 --> 00:08:45,375 Oh. 106 00:08:45,458 --> 00:08:47,124 Now we're talkin'. 107 00:08:47,208 --> 00:08:49,917 Now you're being real. Now you're being honest. 108 00:08:49,999 --> 00:08:53,958 Because this whole bullshit about being a functioning drug addict, 109 00:08:54,041 --> 00:08:56,041 about finding balance, 110 00:08:56,124 --> 00:08:57,667 that ain't true. That's a lie. 111 00:08:57,750 --> 00:09:00,041 -It's not a lie. -It's a lie, whether you know it or not, 112 00:09:00,124 --> 00:09:03,249 -but more importantly, I don't give a fuck to hear it. 113 00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:06,583 -Yeah, whatever, man. -"Whatever, man"? 114 00:09:06,667 --> 00:09:08,958 -Whatever, man. 115 00:09:09,041 --> 00:09:11,375 Listen, young blood. 116 00:09:11,458 --> 00:09:14,166 I was shooting dope before your mama's egg dropped. 117 00:09:14,249 --> 00:09:16,541 I've lived a whole motherfuckin' life 118 00:09:16,625 --> 00:09:19,083 to get to this diner to sit across from your arrogant ass, 119 00:09:19,166 --> 00:09:20,875 so don't you ever "whatever" me. 120 00:09:20,958 --> 00:09:23,708 You're 17. You don't know shit. 121 00:09:23,792 --> 00:09:25,708 You think you're hard? I'm harder. 122 00:09:25,792 --> 00:09:28,541 You think you're tough? I'm tougher. You got clean and want to kill yourself? 123 00:09:28,625 --> 00:09:31,249 Same motherfuckin' story here. You want to know why? 124 00:09:31,333 --> 00:09:32,541 You want to know why? I'll tell you why. 125 00:09:32,625 --> 00:09:34,416 'Cause you don't know how to live life. 126 00:09:34,500 --> 00:09:36,625 You don't have the tools. You're too busy running around, 127 00:09:36,708 --> 00:09:38,999 trying to bullshit everybody into thinking you're hard, 128 00:09:39,083 --> 00:09:40,416 and you don't give a fuck, when in reality, 129 00:09:40,500 --> 00:09:42,917 you give so much of a fuck, you can't even bear to be alive. 130 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,541 So guess what? New rule. 131 00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:46,458 No more wasting my motherfuckin' time. 132 00:09:46,541 --> 00:09:50,458 You wanna use? Use. But the least you can do is be honest. Own that shit. 133 00:09:51,833 --> 00:09:54,708 -Okay. -You feel me? 134 00:09:54,792 --> 00:09:56,583 Yep. 135 00:09:56,667 --> 00:09:58,500 Why'd you relapse? 136 00:09:58,583 --> 00:10:00,917 I don't know. Couldn't stop my mind from racing. 137 00:10:00,999 --> 00:10:02,041 Racing about what? 138 00:10:02,124 --> 00:10:04,833 -Everything. -Hey, hey. Get specific. 139 00:10:11,166 --> 00:10:14,375 All the things I remember and all the things I wish I didn't. 140 00:10:15,541 --> 00:10:18,166 Okay. I get it. 141 00:10:19,375 --> 00:10:22,667 -Why didn't you call me? 142 00:10:22,750 --> 00:10:27,750 Just... honestly, I wasn't really trying not to relapse. 143 00:10:30,208 --> 00:10:31,958 Yeah. Man. Okay. 144 00:10:32,041 --> 00:10:33,958 Where'd you get the drugs? 145 00:10:34,041 --> 00:10:38,208 I had some pills for emergency purposes. 146 00:10:38,291 --> 00:10:42,166 Fuck. So you never stood a chance. 147 00:10:44,083 --> 00:10:45,541 Nope. 148 00:10:49,750 --> 00:10:51,667 Do you wanna get clean? 149 00:10:55,541 --> 00:10:56,999 No. 150 00:10:57,083 --> 00:10:58,541 You sure? 151 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:02,875 Yep. 152 00:11:07,041 --> 00:11:09,958 I get it. I get it. 153 00:11:10,041 --> 00:11:14,041 -Is that fucked up? -What? That you don't want to get clean? 154 00:11:14,124 --> 00:11:16,833 Yeah, yeah. Of course it's fucked up. 155 00:11:16,917 --> 00:11:18,708 Ah. I'm a piece of shit, huh? 156 00:11:18,792 --> 00:11:20,833 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're a piece of shit. You're a piece of shit. 157 00:11:20,917 --> 00:11:23,833 All right, but, uh, here's the silver lining. 158 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:26,375 You're not a drug addict because you're a piece of shit. 159 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:29,375 You're a piece of shit because you're a drug addict. You follow? 160 00:11:29,458 --> 00:11:32,541 -Mm, I don't really... -Okay, all right. What I'm saying is, 161 00:11:32,625 --> 00:11:34,875 you didn't come out of the womb an evil person. 162 00:11:34,958 --> 00:11:38,667 You, Rue, came out of the womb a beautiful baby girl, 163 00:11:38,750 --> 00:11:41,166 who unbeknownst to her, had a couple of wires crossed. 164 00:11:41,249 --> 00:11:42,875 So when you tried drugs for the first time, 165 00:11:42,958 --> 00:11:45,041 it, uh, set something off in your brain 166 00:11:45,124 --> 00:11:46,583 that's beyond your control. 167 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:48,333 And it isn't a question of willpower. 168 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,792 It's not about how strong you are. 169 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,708 You've been fighting a losing game 170 00:11:51,792 --> 00:11:53,458 since the first day you got high. 171 00:11:53,541 --> 00:11:55,041 So you can destroy your life, 172 00:11:55,124 --> 00:11:56,458 you can fuck your little sister's head up, 173 00:11:56,541 --> 00:11:59,291 you can abuse and torture and take for granted your mama, 174 00:11:59,375 --> 00:12:01,208 and sit here and look me in the eye, 175 00:12:01,291 --> 00:12:04,541 and say, as calm as can be, as cool as a cucumber, 176 00:12:04,625 --> 00:12:06,708 "Imma keep usin' drugs." 177 00:12:06,792 --> 00:12:09,041 Ha. 178 00:12:09,124 --> 00:12:13,083 That is the disease of addiction. 179 00:12:13,166 --> 00:12:15,667 It is a degenerative disease. 180 00:12:15,750 --> 00:12:17,750 It is incurable. It is deadly. 181 00:12:17,833 --> 00:12:19,541 And it's no different than cancer. 182 00:12:19,625 --> 00:12:20,500 And you got it. 183 00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:23,208 Why? Mm. Luck of the draw. 184 00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,458 But, hey, but the hardest part 185 00:12:25,541 --> 00:12:27,667 of having the disease of addiction, 186 00:12:27,750 --> 00:12:28,917 aside from having the disease, 187 00:12:28,999 --> 00:12:32,083 is that no one in the world sees it as a disease. 188 00:12:32,166 --> 00:12:33,958 They see you as selfish. 189 00:12:34,041 --> 00:12:36,375 They see you as weak. They see you as cruel. 190 00:12:36,458 --> 00:12:38,208 They see you as, uh, destructive. 191 00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,833 They think, why should I give a fuck about her 192 00:12:40,917 --> 00:12:43,249 if she doesn't give a fuck about herself or anybody else? 193 00:12:43,333 --> 00:12:45,249 Why does this girl deserve my time, 194 00:12:45,333 --> 00:12:47,833 my patience, my sympathy? Right? 195 00:12:47,917 --> 00:12:50,541 If she wants to kill herself, let her. 196 00:12:50,625 --> 00:12:52,917 All reasonable questions and responses. 197 00:12:52,999 --> 00:12:55,958 But luckily, you aren't the only person on planet Earth 198 00:12:56,041 --> 00:12:59,083 who has this disease. There happens to be people like me, 199 00:12:59,166 --> 00:13:03,041 who understand that you aren't all that bad. 200 00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:07,083 Probably underneath all this busted-ass, chaotic energy, 201 00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:09,917 you might even be a good kid. Who knows? 202 00:13:09,999 --> 00:13:13,999 And that is why we are eating pancakes on Christmas Eve. 203 00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:17,500 -Despite the fact that you don't want to get clean. 204 00:13:24,625 --> 00:13:28,291 -Rue: You have daughters, right? -Ali: Mm-hmm. 205 00:13:28,375 --> 00:13:30,458 Rue: Where are they? 206 00:13:30,541 --> 00:13:34,583 Different places, celebrating with their families. 207 00:13:34,667 --> 00:13:37,291 Mm. You see them often? 208 00:13:39,291 --> 00:13:42,083 I've never declined an invitation. 209 00:13:42,166 --> 00:13:46,333 Wait, but haven't you been, like, clean for 20 years? 210 00:13:46,416 --> 00:13:49,958 Nah, nah. I was clean for seven years. 211 00:13:50,041 --> 00:13:51,500 Wait, really? 212 00:13:51,583 --> 00:13:53,583 Yeah, well, I had 12 years before that, 213 00:13:53,667 --> 00:13:54,833 but you know, I got cocky. 214 00:13:54,917 --> 00:13:57,166 Started to walk around thinking I was invincible. 215 00:13:57,249 --> 00:13:59,333 So, now I got seven years. 216 00:13:59,416 --> 00:14:00,958 -Oh, shit. -Right. 217 00:14:01,041 --> 00:14:02,500 Wait, how do you... 218 00:14:02,583 --> 00:14:05,249 How do you relapse after 12 years? 219 00:14:05,333 --> 00:14:08,333 You forget how bad it is. 220 00:14:08,416 --> 00:14:12,333 Damn. How, how long did you relapse for? 221 00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:15,792 A... year and a half. 222 00:14:15,875 --> 00:14:18,667 -Oh, fuck. -Yeah, fuck. Yeah. Right. 223 00:14:18,750 --> 00:14:20,500 Oh, shit. 224 00:14:20,583 --> 00:14:23,583 Damn. I thought, I thought you were gonna say, like, a day or something. 225 00:14:23,667 --> 00:14:25,917 Nah, nah. Once you get back in that cycle, 226 00:14:25,999 --> 00:14:28,166 you know, using and abusing, 227 00:14:28,249 --> 00:14:29,667 it's inescapable. 228 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,875 Especially if you've been clean for 12 years. 229 00:14:31,958 --> 00:14:34,333 That's when the disease starts talking. 230 00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,833 "Twelve years, Martin, and you ain't never getting that far again." 231 00:14:37,917 --> 00:14:39,291 Aah. 232 00:14:40,625 --> 00:14:41,917 Wait. Martin? 233 00:14:41,999 --> 00:14:45,041 -Uh, yeah. 234 00:14:45,124 --> 00:14:47,208 Who's Martin? 235 00:14:47,291 --> 00:14:48,999 Martin is me. 236 00:14:49,958 --> 00:14:50,999 What? 237 00:14:51,083 --> 00:14:52,708 -My name. -Your name is Martin? 238 00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:53,875 -Well, it used to be. -What? 239 00:14:53,958 --> 00:14:55,583 -Before I converted. -To what? 240 00:14:55,667 --> 00:14:58,541 -To Islam. -Ali, I'm super fucking confused right now. 241 00:14:58,625 --> 00:15:00,500 -What am I, your first Black friend? 242 00:15:00,583 --> 00:15:02,041 What'd you think, I was actually from the Middle East? 243 00:15:02,124 --> 00:15:04,458 -What-- -I'm from south Philly. 244 00:15:04,541 --> 00:15:08,083 Yeah, but you, you just don't, you don't look like a Martin. 245 00:15:08,166 --> 00:15:11,291 -You don't. -I didn't think so, either. 246 00:15:11,375 --> 00:15:13,625 Do women ever convert to Islam? 247 00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,541 -Very few. -Mm. 248 00:15:24,375 --> 00:15:26,583 You know, it's interesting, 249 00:15:26,667 --> 00:15:28,625 'cause, like... 250 00:15:28,708 --> 00:15:30,833 It's kind of what I struggle with. 251 00:15:31,958 --> 00:15:35,750 -What do you mean? -The NA shit. 252 00:15:35,833 --> 00:15:37,667 Step one, I, I, I'm cool with. 253 00:15:37,750 --> 00:15:41,875 Like, you know, I, I can, 254 00:15:41,958 --> 00:15:44,416 I can agree, you know, 255 00:15:44,500 --> 00:15:47,500 I'm powerless over drugs, and my life is unmanageable. 256 00:15:47,583 --> 00:15:49,500 That's not, like, fucking inconceivable. 257 00:15:49,583 --> 00:15:52,083 -Right. Right. -But, um... 258 00:15:52,166 --> 00:15:53,625 It's step two. 259 00:15:53,708 --> 00:15:56,208 "Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves 260 00:15:56,291 --> 00:15:58,999 could restore us to sanity." 261 00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:01,625 That one, I just, I, uh... 262 00:16:01,708 --> 00:16:04,249 I have some trouble with. 263 00:16:04,333 --> 00:16:07,958 Oh, oh, okay. All right, all right, I see. 264 00:16:08,041 --> 00:16:10,083 Now I get it. 265 00:16:10,166 --> 00:16:12,458 You don't believe there's a power on Earth 266 00:16:12,541 --> 00:16:14,124 -greater than Rue. 267 00:16:14,208 --> 00:16:15,792 -That's not true. -Really? 268 00:16:15,875 --> 00:16:17,999 It's not true. I think there's tons of shit 269 00:16:18,083 --> 00:16:20,917 -that is of greater power than me. -Name one. 270 00:16:22,458 --> 00:16:25,124 -A Mack truck. -Uh-huh. 271 00:16:25,208 --> 00:16:27,416 -What? -Name another. 272 00:16:27,500 --> 00:16:29,333 Uh, the ocean. 273 00:16:30,291 --> 00:16:32,416 -Try again. 274 00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,041 Shit. I would say 275 00:16:34,124 --> 00:16:36,833 any song by Otis Redding is of greater power than me. 276 00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:38,416 That doesn't make any sense. 277 00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,416 It does. Yeah, it does. 278 00:16:41,708 --> 00:16:43,291 -It does. -What? 279 00:16:43,375 --> 00:16:44,833 The... 280 00:16:44,917 --> 00:16:46,833 The impact that "Try a Little Tenderness" 281 00:16:46,917 --> 00:16:49,083 had on the world is, is more than I, I could ever do. 282 00:16:49,166 --> 00:16:52,041 -Well... -It's more than probably any of us will ever fucking do. 283 00:16:52,124 --> 00:16:53,375 All right, all right, all right. 284 00:16:53,458 --> 00:16:56,249 Little smart ass. Okay, that's not gonna cut it. 285 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:00,958 Ali, I don't believe in God. 286 00:17:01,041 --> 00:17:04,208 Guess what? God doesn't give a fuck if you believe in him. 287 00:17:04,291 --> 00:17:06,249 -He believes in you. -I don't know. 288 00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:07,999 That, that, that sounds good, 289 00:17:08,083 --> 00:17:09,500 but it, it doesn't really mean anything. 290 00:17:09,583 --> 00:17:11,875 Of course it means something. If God didn't believe in you, 291 00:17:11,958 --> 00:17:13,875 you wouldn't even still be breathing. 292 00:17:13,958 --> 00:17:15,625 So, you're saying the reason my dad died 293 00:17:15,708 --> 00:17:17,708 is because God didn't believe in him? 294 00:17:18,999 --> 00:17:20,667 Rue, uh, that's not what I was saying-- 295 00:17:20,750 --> 00:17:23,083 There's nothing that makes me angrier than that fucking argument. 296 00:17:23,166 --> 00:17:24,458 Hey, that's, that's not what I was saying-- 297 00:17:24,541 --> 00:17:26,500 You know, 'cause every time someone survives, 298 00:17:26,583 --> 00:17:28,875 like, a mass shooting or some terrible fucking earthquake, 299 00:17:28,958 --> 00:17:31,541 they always say, you know, "I survived for a reason. 300 00:17:31,625 --> 00:17:33,999 God saved me for a reason. I have a purpose." 301 00:17:35,291 --> 00:17:37,583 And then I think to myself, like, okay, well, 302 00:17:37,667 --> 00:17:40,041 what you're saying is that your life is more important 303 00:17:40,124 --> 00:17:41,875 than that six-year-old who died that day, 304 00:17:41,958 --> 00:17:43,541 or the newborn who died that day, 305 00:17:43,625 --> 00:17:46,291 or anybody fucking else who died that day. 306 00:17:46,375 --> 00:17:48,500 Your life has a purpose, right? 307 00:17:48,583 --> 00:17:51,208 Well, why does your life have a purpose, 308 00:17:51,291 --> 00:17:53,124 and my dad's doesn't? 309 00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,999 Because I could argue that my dad's purpose 310 00:17:57,083 --> 00:17:59,500 was to raise me and my sister. 311 00:18:01,458 --> 00:18:04,041 To be there for my mom. 312 00:18:04,124 --> 00:18:06,333 That was his purpose, I think. 313 00:18:08,124 --> 00:18:09,625 But, you know. 314 00:18:11,124 --> 00:18:13,249 He's dead. 315 00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:15,917 -Listen-- -Ali, if you're, if you're about to tell me 316 00:18:15,999 --> 00:18:17,875 that he died for a reason, 317 00:18:17,958 --> 00:18:19,667 or you know, whatever, 318 00:18:19,750 --> 00:18:21,875 I will literally walk the fuck out. 319 00:18:21,958 --> 00:18:24,291 I, I wasn't. 320 00:18:24,375 --> 00:18:25,958 He didn't die to teach us a lesson. 321 00:18:26,041 --> 00:18:29,333 Okay? He didn't die to, you know, 322 00:18:29,416 --> 00:18:32,249 have us all come together, or whatever the fuck 323 00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:36,333 people tell people when they don't have anything to say. 324 00:18:36,416 --> 00:18:38,333 He died because he died. 325 00:18:38,416 --> 00:18:40,750 That's it. Same stupid reason 326 00:18:40,833 --> 00:18:44,333 I came out of the womb with a couple wires crossed. 327 00:18:44,416 --> 00:18:47,541 Right? Just fucking luck. 328 00:18:48,667 --> 00:18:50,875 You said it. 329 00:18:50,958 --> 00:18:52,208 That's it. 330 00:18:55,625 --> 00:18:57,166 Listen, um... 331 00:19:00,541 --> 00:19:02,458 I don't know all the answers. 332 00:19:02,541 --> 00:19:04,333 And I'm not gonna pretend to. 333 00:19:04,416 --> 00:19:06,291 But I do know 334 00:19:06,375 --> 00:19:10,083 that at any given point that we're unable to see and comprehend 335 00:19:10,166 --> 00:19:12,291 the overall arc of human life. 336 00:19:12,375 --> 00:19:14,041 No person can see it. 337 00:19:14,124 --> 00:19:16,999 The whole chain reaction of how things come to be 338 00:19:17,083 --> 00:19:18,333 from beginning to end. 339 00:19:18,416 --> 00:19:21,708 It's a mystery, and will always remain a mystery. 340 00:19:21,792 --> 00:19:25,958 How, um, six-year-old Malcolm Little's daddy 341 00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,999 was killed in a streetcar accident. 342 00:19:29,083 --> 00:19:31,249 Rumor was it that the Black Legion did it. 343 00:19:31,333 --> 00:19:32,667 The KKK. 344 00:19:32,750 --> 00:19:36,166 How that little boy grew up believing that this white world 345 00:19:36,249 --> 00:19:39,500 had no place for a Black man like him, so fuck it. 346 00:19:39,583 --> 00:19:42,124 He moves to Harlem, becomes a pimp. 347 00:19:42,208 --> 00:19:43,375 Becomes an addict. 348 00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:46,958 Starts robbing and stealing, till he gets locked up. 349 00:19:47,041 --> 00:19:48,833 Who discovers Islam. 350 00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:50,750 Who starts a movement. 351 00:19:50,833 --> 00:19:53,708 Who scares the living shit out of white America so bad 352 00:19:53,792 --> 00:19:57,375 that white America was so afraid that they embraced another Negro, 353 00:19:57,458 --> 00:20:01,041 one who had a dream, not to cut the head off the snake, 354 00:20:01,124 --> 00:20:02,667 even if that's what they deserved, 355 00:20:02,750 --> 00:20:04,291 but to live in harmony. 356 00:20:04,375 --> 00:20:07,833 Next thing you know, Civil Rights Act. 357 00:20:07,917 --> 00:20:11,625 The first legislative steps granting you and I the right 358 00:20:11,708 --> 00:20:14,208 to sit in this motherfuckin' diner to have a conversation 359 00:20:14,291 --> 00:20:16,875 about whether or not you wanna stay clean from drugs. 360 00:20:16,958 --> 00:20:19,124 Drugs that were given to your ancestors 361 00:20:19,208 --> 00:20:22,041 to keep them inebriated, inoculated, enslaved. 362 00:20:22,124 --> 00:20:25,792 Drugs that stripped them of their ability to not just be free, 363 00:20:25,875 --> 00:20:28,333 but to imagine a world in which they were free. 364 00:20:28,416 --> 00:20:31,875 So, why is one person's purpose greater than another's? 365 00:20:31,958 --> 00:20:34,375 Why are some people struck down while others live? 366 00:20:34,458 --> 00:20:37,917 Why are you, Rue Bennett, sitting here when other 17-year-olds, 367 00:20:37,999 --> 00:20:40,041 17-year-olds who are better, who are kinder, 368 00:20:40,124 --> 00:20:42,458 who are more respectful than you, aren't sitting here, 369 00:20:42,541 --> 00:20:44,124 I don't know. 370 00:20:44,208 --> 00:20:46,541 That's the mystery. 371 00:20:46,625 --> 00:20:49,041 But here we are. 372 00:20:49,124 --> 00:20:51,333 So what now? 373 00:20:51,416 --> 00:20:53,333 I don't know. 374 00:20:53,416 --> 00:20:56,041 Maybe I'll... 375 00:20:56,124 --> 00:20:58,999 start a revolution like Malcolm X or something. 376 00:21:00,291 --> 00:21:02,333 But haven't you heard, man, 377 00:21:02,416 --> 00:21:05,375 revolutions are no longer radical. 378 00:21:06,291 --> 00:21:07,875 What are you talking about? 379 00:21:07,958 --> 00:21:11,917 There's so many revolutions that everybody's a revolutionary. 380 00:21:11,999 --> 00:21:15,083 The rich. The poor. The right. The left. 381 00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:18,291 The young. The old. The beggars. The bankers. 382 00:21:18,375 --> 00:21:21,583 Man... is it beautiful. 383 00:21:21,667 --> 00:21:26,124 Huh? Everyone all at once, fighting one revolution after another. 384 00:21:26,208 --> 00:21:29,249 I tell ya, I never thought I'd see so many revolutions 385 00:21:29,333 --> 00:21:31,041 in my entire life. 386 00:21:31,124 --> 00:21:34,750 The, the revolutions are fought and won so damn fast 387 00:21:34,833 --> 00:21:37,124 that the people don't even have time to implement change, 388 00:21:37,208 --> 00:21:39,500 because have you heard? Huh? 389 00:21:39,583 --> 00:21:41,541 There's a new revolution. 390 00:21:43,124 --> 00:21:44,333 I went down to, um, 391 00:21:44,416 --> 00:21:47,291 buy me a new pair of kicks at the Nike store the other day. 392 00:21:47,375 --> 00:21:48,708 And I look up on the wall, 393 00:21:48,792 --> 00:21:52,083 and I see in 20-foot letters, these words, 394 00:21:52,166 --> 00:21:54,667 "Our people matter." 395 00:21:54,750 --> 00:21:58,792 And I thought, man, this feels good. 396 00:21:58,875 --> 00:22:02,375 Here I am, and my favorite shoe store's out here saying, 397 00:22:02,458 --> 00:22:04,375 "I know you lived a long life. 398 00:22:04,458 --> 00:22:06,667 "And I know that life ain't always been easy, 399 00:22:06,750 --> 00:22:10,583 "but here you are, at 54 years old, my brother, 400 00:22:10,667 --> 00:22:12,999 and I want to say I love you." 401 00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:16,166 And I'm like, man. 402 00:22:16,249 --> 00:22:18,333 This feels good. 403 00:22:18,416 --> 00:22:21,750 And I'm like, thank you, Nike. 404 00:22:23,416 --> 00:22:25,458 And then I pick up a pair of these sneakers 405 00:22:25,541 --> 00:22:26,792 and I look at the price tag, 406 00:22:26,875 --> 00:22:29,917 and it says $139.99. 407 00:22:31,416 --> 00:22:33,999 And I'm, like, 408 00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:36,375 I thought Nike loved me. 409 00:22:36,458 --> 00:22:39,917 Appreciated me and my life. What happened here? 410 00:22:39,999 --> 00:22:42,500 -And I look around the store, 411 00:22:42,583 --> 00:22:44,875 and I see a whole bunch of Black people, 412 00:22:44,958 --> 00:22:46,166 you know, also feeling good. 413 00:22:46,249 --> 00:22:48,208 And I see a whole bunch of white people, too. 414 00:22:48,291 --> 00:22:51,166 Also feeling good. Some even, you know, posing. 415 00:22:51,249 --> 00:22:55,416 And taking, uh, pictures with the 20-foot letters on the wall. 416 00:22:55,500 --> 00:22:57,625 - And, uh... 417 00:22:57,708 --> 00:22:59,917 Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Straight up. 418 00:22:59,999 --> 00:23:03,625 I just had this feeling, and I thought, 419 00:23:03,708 --> 00:23:05,708 fuck you, Nike. 420 00:23:05,792 --> 00:23:08,625 You don't give a fuck about anything or anyone. 421 00:23:08,708 --> 00:23:12,208 Chinese Muslims are sewing these Kaepernick sneakers for seven cents an hour, 422 00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:16,166 and you're tellin' me my Black ass matters. Give me a fucking break. 423 00:23:16,249 --> 00:23:18,166 If rap music wasn't mainstream, 424 00:23:18,249 --> 00:23:20,833 if Nirvana was still the most popular band in America, 425 00:23:20,917 --> 00:23:22,792 they'd be out here saying, "Depression Matters," 426 00:23:22,875 --> 00:23:25,625 because that's what would move sneakers. Shit. 427 00:23:25,708 --> 00:23:28,166 These advertisers. They're too good. 428 00:23:28,249 --> 00:23:31,375 Uh-huh. And they've outsmarted us. 429 00:23:31,458 --> 00:23:34,708 But at the same time, your generation's full of some mark-ass bitches, 430 00:23:34,792 --> 00:23:36,500 because they've tapped into your phones. 431 00:23:36,583 --> 00:23:38,333 Yeah, yeah. They've read your likes. 432 00:23:38,416 --> 00:23:41,416 They've predicted your moves, and trapped yo' asses. 433 00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:44,208 You think you out here fighting a revolution, 434 00:23:44,291 --> 00:23:45,958 and Bank of America's on your side? 435 00:23:46,041 --> 00:23:47,375 Give me a fucking break. 436 00:23:47,458 --> 00:23:48,917 Because a true revolution 437 00:23:48,999 --> 00:23:50,958 has no allies. It's just that simple. 438 00:23:51,041 --> 00:23:53,416 Because a true revolution, not a fast one, 439 00:23:53,500 --> 00:23:55,667 not a quick one, not a fashionable one, 440 00:23:55,750 --> 00:24:00,917 but a real fucking revolution, is at its core, spiritual. 441 00:24:00,999 --> 00:24:05,416 It is a complete decimation of one's priorities, 442 00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:07,708 beliefs, and way of living. 443 00:24:07,792 --> 00:24:12,500 And reconstruction in the spirit of, uh... 444 00:24:16,833 --> 00:24:20,124 You have to create a new God. Or gods. 445 00:24:20,208 --> 00:24:22,124 Or whatever you can. But it is imperative 446 00:24:22,208 --> 00:24:24,958 that you believe in something. Something greater than yourself. 447 00:24:25,041 --> 00:24:28,291 All right? And it can't be the ocean, or your favorite song. 448 00:24:28,375 --> 00:24:32,041 And it can't be the movement, or the people, or the words. 449 00:24:33,875 --> 00:24:37,208 You've got to believe in the poetry. 450 00:24:37,291 --> 00:24:39,958 Because everything else in your life will fail you. 451 00:24:40,041 --> 00:24:42,166 Including yourself. 452 00:24:43,833 --> 00:24:45,958 -You hear me? 453 00:24:46,041 --> 00:24:48,249 That's where you are. 454 00:24:49,166 --> 00:24:50,875 You're sick. 455 00:24:50,958 --> 00:24:53,667 Your whole system's on the verge of collapse. 456 00:24:53,750 --> 00:24:55,500 And the addict in you is trying to sell you 457 00:24:55,583 --> 00:24:58,375 on the same shit that got you sick in the first place. 458 00:24:58,458 --> 00:25:00,999 And if you keep going the way you're going, 459 00:25:01,083 --> 00:25:04,583 you'll rot from the inside until you cave in and die. 460 00:25:06,958 --> 00:25:10,583 Your only hope is a revolution. 461 00:25:10,667 --> 00:25:15,291 But a real fuckin' revolution, inside and out. 462 00:25:15,375 --> 00:25:17,667 But you gotta see it through. 463 00:25:17,750 --> 00:25:20,041 You can't half-ass this shit. 464 00:25:20,124 --> 00:25:23,208 You just have to commit to it, every single day. 465 00:25:24,667 --> 00:25:28,208 And know that you can always do it better. And be better. 466 00:25:30,541 --> 00:25:33,166 Because who knows? Um... 467 00:25:33,249 --> 00:25:35,875 one day, you might succeed. 468 00:25:40,208 --> 00:25:43,375 I don't underestimate anyone. 469 00:25:43,458 --> 00:25:45,708 Uh... 470 00:25:45,792 --> 00:25:48,291 Stranger things have happened. 471 00:25:51,625 --> 00:25:53,999 Be right back. 472 00:25:54,083 --> 00:25:55,458 All right? 473 00:27:35,208 --> 00:27:38,083 Oh, hey, hey! Aah. 474 00:27:38,166 --> 00:27:40,458 I didn't know you were gonna pick up. 475 00:27:40,541 --> 00:27:43,792 I-I thought I was gonna get your voicemail. 476 00:27:43,875 --> 00:27:47,917 Uh... heh. Nah, nah. I'm not... 477 00:27:47,999 --> 00:27:50,249 Not trying to guilt trip you. 478 00:27:50,999 --> 00:27:52,583 It's just... 479 00:27:55,375 --> 00:27:58,917 It's Christmas. Merry Christmas. 480 00:28:15,667 --> 00:28:16,999 Ali: Your sister there? 481 00:28:19,083 --> 00:28:21,249 Ali: Oh, that's good. That's good. 482 00:28:26,625 --> 00:28:31,375 Tell her I, uh, tell her Merry Christmas for me. 483 00:28:31,458 --> 00:28:33,917 And tell her I, I love her. 484 00:28:33,999 --> 00:28:36,166 And I miss her very much. 485 00:28:39,750 --> 00:28:42,083 No. Nah. 486 00:28:42,166 --> 00:28:45,124 I'm not trying to talk to her through you, Imani. 487 00:28:46,833 --> 00:28:48,541 That's not what I was try-- 488 00:28:50,833 --> 00:28:51,792 Right. 489 00:28:58,124 --> 00:29:00,875 Ali: I'm doing good. I'm... I just came from my meeting. 490 00:29:00,958 --> 00:29:03,541 Now I'm standing in the parking lot. Ha. 491 00:29:03,625 --> 00:29:06,083 Nah, nah, nah. 492 00:29:06,166 --> 00:29:08,792 I'm just getting pancakes with a kid I sponsor. 493 00:29:20,667 --> 00:29:23,667 Ali: Hey, hey. Hey! 494 00:29:23,750 --> 00:29:25,833 Who's this? 495 00:29:25,917 --> 00:29:27,792 Rashad? 496 00:29:27,875 --> 00:29:30,541 "Who's this?" 497 00:29:31,333 --> 00:29:33,416 It's Poppo. 498 00:29:33,500 --> 00:29:35,124 Poppo Ali. 499 00:29:35,208 --> 00:29:36,875 Wait, wait, wait. Say it again. 500 00:29:36,958 --> 00:29:39,333 Oh, yeah, little man! 501 00:29:41,333 --> 00:29:43,833 Oh, oh, hey. Oh, wow. 502 00:29:43,917 --> 00:29:45,541 Oh, wow. Hey. 503 00:29:45,625 --> 00:29:49,166 What a voice he has on him. Right? 504 00:29:49,249 --> 00:29:51,583 Wait. How tall is he by now? Is he-- 505 00:29:51,667 --> 00:29:54,124 What... yeah. 506 00:29:54,208 --> 00:29:56,333 Oh, yeah-- Nah. 507 00:29:57,249 --> 00:30:00,416 Oh, yeah. No, I, I, I understand. 508 00:30:00,500 --> 00:30:02,625 It's not a problem. 509 00:30:02,708 --> 00:30:03,875 Oh, wow. 510 00:30:16,667 --> 00:30:19,750 Ali: I, I'm all right. I, I just feel like I'm in a... 511 00:30:19,833 --> 00:30:21,625 One of them old movies. 512 00:30:21,708 --> 00:30:24,249 "It's a Wonderful Life." 513 00:30:24,333 --> 00:30:26,291 It's a wonderful life. 514 00:30:26,375 --> 00:30:28,416 Merry Christmas, Imani. 515 00:31:11,458 --> 00:31:14,625 Ali, what am I supposed to do about Jules? 516 00:31:23,291 --> 00:31:24,625 Miss Marsha? 517 00:31:28,124 --> 00:31:31,291 -Question. -Yes? 518 00:31:32,958 --> 00:31:34,500 How long you been clean? 519 00:31:37,291 --> 00:31:39,999 Seventeen years, 520 00:31:40,083 --> 00:31:41,958 by the grace of God. 521 00:31:43,625 --> 00:31:45,875 Seventeen years. 522 00:31:45,958 --> 00:31:47,708 Never thought I'd be able to say that. 523 00:31:47,792 --> 00:31:50,625 But I say it with a lot of pride. 524 00:31:52,124 --> 00:31:54,792 Seventeen years. 525 00:31:54,875 --> 00:31:56,833 Why? 526 00:31:56,917 --> 00:32:00,416 What would happen if, uh, you thought about dating 527 00:32:00,500 --> 00:32:03,708 in the early stages of you trying to get clean? 528 00:32:03,792 --> 00:32:05,792 You want to know if I was interested in dating, 529 00:32:05,875 --> 00:32:07,583 or if I was interested in getting clean? 530 00:32:07,667 --> 00:32:10,999 'Cause the answer is "yes" to both of those questions. 531 00:32:11,083 --> 00:32:12,999 But... 532 00:32:13,083 --> 00:32:15,917 I had to not be in a relationship, 533 00:32:15,999 --> 00:32:18,249 so that I could focus on my sobriety. 534 00:32:18,333 --> 00:32:20,208 Because that's what I wanted, 535 00:32:20,291 --> 00:32:23,667 and I didn't have enough energy for both of those. 536 00:32:23,750 --> 00:32:25,999 And I wanted to get clean. 537 00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:28,999 Everything that's good to you 538 00:32:29,083 --> 00:32:30,750 ain't always good for you. 539 00:32:30,833 --> 00:32:35,166 Ali: What do you have to say to somebody who doesn't have a whole lot of hope? 540 00:32:35,249 --> 00:32:37,917 When I was a little girl growing up, 541 00:32:37,999 --> 00:32:41,667 my grandma used to always have this saying, 542 00:32:41,750 --> 00:32:45,583 and I never understood what it meant... 543 00:32:46,875 --> 00:32:50,583 until I was ready to get clean. 544 00:32:50,667 --> 00:32:52,583 And her words were, 545 00:32:52,667 --> 00:32:57,166 "Baby, trouble don't last always." 546 00:32:58,750 --> 00:33:00,541 And it doesn't, 547 00:33:00,625 --> 00:33:02,875 if you want to make a change. 548 00:33:02,958 --> 00:33:05,208 That's up to you. 549 00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:08,500 You got any more questions for me 550 00:33:08,583 --> 00:33:10,291 while I'm trying to count my tips? 551 00:33:10,375 --> 00:33:11,792 Ali: Nah, count 'em. 552 00:33:11,875 --> 00:33:13,416 Imma throw a couple more in there later. 553 00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:17,083 -Miss Marsha: You need to, with your cheap ass. 554 00:33:20,708 --> 00:33:23,083 Ali: That's the truth, right there. 555 00:33:32,375 --> 00:33:34,124 You know... 556 00:33:35,541 --> 00:33:37,166 It's funny, when I think about it. 557 00:33:37,249 --> 00:33:40,083 I still blame Jules for all this shit. 558 00:33:40,166 --> 00:33:41,583 Ali: Why? 559 00:33:43,750 --> 00:33:46,500 'Cause... 560 00:33:46,583 --> 00:33:48,249 I was clean. 561 00:33:49,833 --> 00:33:53,708 And I was, like, gonna stay clean. 562 00:33:53,792 --> 00:33:56,958 And for the most part, I was pretty happy, so... 563 00:33:57,041 --> 00:33:59,500 -And fuckin' Jules-- -Ali: Wait, wait. 564 00:33:59,583 --> 00:34:01,416 You were gonna stay clean? 565 00:34:01,500 --> 00:34:03,166 -Yeah. -With pills in your room? 566 00:34:03,249 --> 00:34:05,291 -I wasn't taking them. -You were saving them. 567 00:34:05,375 --> 00:34:08,333 -Yeah. -Even though you just said you were gonna stay clean. 568 00:34:08,416 --> 00:34:11,416 -Uh-- -And that relapsing was Jules' fault. 569 00:34:15,375 --> 00:34:18,833 Ali, you don't know what she did to me. 570 00:34:18,917 --> 00:34:21,625 You're right. I don't. 571 00:34:25,750 --> 00:34:27,875 She cheated on me. 572 00:34:27,958 --> 00:34:31,375 When I was sober, she literally cheated on me. 573 00:34:31,458 --> 00:34:34,333 -I didn't know that. -Exactly. 574 00:34:35,708 --> 00:34:38,041 So, you were in a relationship. 575 00:34:38,124 --> 00:34:40,500 Yeah. 576 00:34:40,583 --> 00:34:43,708 -I thought you two were just friends. -No. 577 00:34:43,792 --> 00:34:47,375 Huh. When did it shift? 578 00:34:47,458 --> 00:34:49,667 Uh, the night of the carnival, she came over, 579 00:34:49,750 --> 00:34:52,083 and we, like, kissed a whole bunch. 580 00:34:52,166 --> 00:34:54,249 Okay, but when did it become a relationship? 581 00:34:54,333 --> 00:34:56,083 I just told you. That night. 582 00:34:56,166 --> 00:34:58,667 -It became a relationship that night. -Yeah. 583 00:34:58,750 --> 00:35:02,291 So it wasn't just kissing. You two talked about being together. 584 00:35:02,375 --> 00:35:05,333 What? That's so weird. 585 00:35:05,416 --> 00:35:07,333 What? 586 00:35:07,416 --> 00:35:09,750 Why would we talk about it? 587 00:35:09,833 --> 00:35:12,249 Because that's how people get into relationships, Rue. 588 00:35:12,333 --> 00:35:13,917 They talk about it. 589 00:35:15,333 --> 00:35:17,416 I mean, we said "I love you." 590 00:35:17,500 --> 00:35:18,875 A lot. 591 00:35:18,958 --> 00:35:21,999 I say "I love you" to my barber. 592 00:35:22,083 --> 00:35:24,500 Okay, yeah, but you don't make out with your barber. 593 00:35:24,583 --> 00:35:28,667 Even if I did, my barber might assume it was just a casual thing. 594 00:35:28,750 --> 00:35:30,917 We talked about getting 595 00:35:30,999 --> 00:35:33,667 matching tattoos on the inside of our lips. 596 00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:35,750 Damn. 597 00:35:35,833 --> 00:35:37,708 Did you? 598 00:35:37,792 --> 00:35:41,208 No, but we, we talked about it. 599 00:35:42,416 --> 00:35:45,958 Okay. Keep going. 600 00:35:46,041 --> 00:35:48,124 I mean, there's nothing else to say, you know? 601 00:35:48,208 --> 00:35:50,249 Except that I loved her. 602 00:35:50,333 --> 00:35:52,917 I trusted her. 603 00:35:52,999 --> 00:35:55,375 And when I look back at it, you know, just, 604 00:35:55,458 --> 00:35:57,166 it's like she lied to me. 605 00:35:57,249 --> 00:35:58,958 And, uh, manipulated me. 606 00:35:59,041 --> 00:36:00,166 Right. 607 00:36:00,249 --> 00:36:02,583 Like the whole thing at the train station. 608 00:36:02,667 --> 00:36:04,041 Her trying to get me to run away with her, 609 00:36:04,124 --> 00:36:06,750 even though I was, um, scared, and... 610 00:36:06,833 --> 00:36:08,333 didn't have my medication... 611 00:36:08,416 --> 00:36:12,541 Just kind of fucked up, and selfish. 612 00:36:17,416 --> 00:36:20,416 I didn't think she was actually gonna go. 613 00:36:20,500 --> 00:36:22,708 You know, like, leave me. 614 00:36:26,583 --> 00:36:29,833 It just kind of set something off in my head, you know? 615 00:36:29,917 --> 00:36:33,041 Thinking about my whole life, how... 616 00:36:33,124 --> 00:36:36,083 people make all these fucking promises. 617 00:36:39,041 --> 00:36:42,750 My mom kissing me on the forehead, and... 618 00:36:42,833 --> 00:36:45,750 telling me my dad's gonna be all right. 619 00:36:45,833 --> 00:36:48,249 And Jules talking about how we're gonna live together 620 00:36:48,333 --> 00:36:50,667 when she goes off to college and sleep in the same bed, 621 00:36:50,750 --> 00:36:53,792 and be together forever. 622 00:36:55,500 --> 00:36:57,625 And then she ditches me. 623 00:36:59,583 --> 00:37:01,625 'Cause she met another girl. 624 00:37:10,166 --> 00:37:12,083 Just... 625 00:37:12,166 --> 00:37:14,625 made me think about how everyone lies. 626 00:37:17,208 --> 00:37:19,041 It's not even the lies that hurt, you know? 627 00:37:19,124 --> 00:37:22,166 It's the fact that you're never really emotionally prepared 628 00:37:22,249 --> 00:37:24,291 for someone to leave you. 629 00:37:26,124 --> 00:37:27,792 Just kind of messed up. 630 00:37:27,875 --> 00:37:30,041 And it just started, like, this avalanche of shit, 631 00:37:30,124 --> 00:37:32,833 about maybe I deserve it. 632 00:37:32,917 --> 00:37:35,041 Maybe this is the universe's punishment 633 00:37:35,124 --> 00:37:37,833 for me being a piece of shit my entire life. 634 00:37:41,500 --> 00:37:43,541 Stealing from my mom. 635 00:37:45,667 --> 00:37:48,333 Hitting her in the face. 636 00:37:50,249 --> 00:37:54,291 That's what I've done, Ali. I have, I have hit my mom 637 00:37:54,375 --> 00:37:56,375 in the face. 638 00:38:04,166 --> 00:38:05,999 I picked up a piece of glass, 639 00:38:06,083 --> 00:38:08,083 and I pointed it at my mom and I threatened to kill her. 640 00:38:10,083 --> 00:38:12,500 That is some unforgivable shit. 641 00:38:12,583 --> 00:38:15,583 Maybe I deserve to get my ass left 642 00:38:15,667 --> 00:38:18,083 at a train station at 1:00 a.m., you know? 643 00:38:20,166 --> 00:38:22,541 Drugs change who you are as a person. 644 00:38:22,625 --> 00:38:25,583 Every time I attacked my mom, I wasn't high. 645 00:38:25,667 --> 00:38:29,208 Drugs change who you are as a person. 646 00:38:29,291 --> 00:38:31,333 It's still unforgivable. 647 00:38:31,416 --> 00:38:34,875 Nah. It's not. 648 00:38:34,958 --> 00:38:37,792 -Come on. -If I actually believe that what you did was unforgivable, 649 00:38:37,875 --> 00:38:40,792 I wouldn't be sitting here, because what I've done in my life, 650 00:38:40,875 --> 00:38:42,541 is way more unforgivable. 651 00:38:42,625 --> 00:38:44,792 Yeah, right. No. 652 00:38:44,875 --> 00:38:48,708 Ah. I said it before. I'll say it again. 653 00:38:48,792 --> 00:38:51,792 You're playing pool with Minnesota Fats. 654 00:38:51,875 --> 00:38:54,958 Maybe if I was some random-ass classmate of yours with no life experience, 655 00:38:55,041 --> 00:38:58,625 and I heard that you picked up a piece of glass and threatened your mom, 656 00:38:58,708 --> 00:39:01,500 I'd be like, "Ooh, that's unforgivable." 657 00:39:01,583 --> 00:39:04,166 But the more you believe that, the sicker it makes you, 658 00:39:04,249 --> 00:39:06,500 because every time you do something unforgivable, 659 00:39:06,583 --> 00:39:09,999 you think, "Why change? I'm just a piece of shit. 660 00:39:10,083 --> 00:39:12,166 I better keep going. What's the difference now?" 661 00:39:12,249 --> 00:39:17,083 Without realizing that forgiveness is the key to change. 662 00:39:17,166 --> 00:39:18,875 We're too busy running around 663 00:39:18,958 --> 00:39:20,958 judging everybody's intentions and motivations 664 00:39:21,041 --> 00:39:22,625 as if we have some insight into the human soul. 665 00:39:22,708 --> 00:39:24,541 You know, "You did this, so that must mean you're that." 666 00:39:24,625 --> 00:39:26,458 Just give me a break. 667 00:39:26,541 --> 00:39:29,458 Ali, I picked up a piece of glass. 668 00:39:29,541 --> 00:39:31,958 I pointed it at my mom. 669 00:39:32,041 --> 00:39:35,208 And I told her I was gonna kill her. 670 00:39:35,291 --> 00:39:36,833 Right. 671 00:39:36,917 --> 00:39:39,416 That's fucking terrible. 672 00:39:40,124 --> 00:39:41,625 But what's it mean? 673 00:39:43,541 --> 00:39:45,583 Means that I'm a piece of shit. 674 00:39:45,667 --> 00:39:47,500 -Look deeper. -I am. 675 00:39:47,583 --> 00:39:48,958 Nah. You're not. Look deeper. 676 00:39:49,041 --> 00:39:51,875 Ali, that sounds like a tag line for a dumb fucking movie. 677 00:39:51,958 --> 00:39:53,833 So just because it doesn't sound cool enough to you, 678 00:39:53,917 --> 00:39:56,083 you're gonna settle for being superficial? 679 00:39:56,166 --> 00:39:58,124 That's unforgivable. 680 00:39:59,208 --> 00:40:01,792 Look deeper. What's it mean? 681 00:40:01,875 --> 00:40:05,249 That I'm violent to someone I love. 682 00:40:06,875 --> 00:40:09,166 Okay, okay. 683 00:40:09,249 --> 00:40:10,458 Why? 684 00:40:12,958 --> 00:40:14,917 Because that's who I am. 685 00:40:16,083 --> 00:40:17,750 I don't know what that means. 686 00:40:17,833 --> 00:40:20,625 It means that I'm okay with that. 687 00:40:20,708 --> 00:40:22,041 Are you? 688 00:40:23,166 --> 00:40:24,792 That's what it says. 689 00:40:24,875 --> 00:40:28,291 But are you okay with that? 690 00:40:30,541 --> 00:40:31,958 No. 691 00:40:32,041 --> 00:40:33,999 So, it's not who you are. 692 00:40:35,458 --> 00:40:37,500 Yeah, well, I still did it. 693 00:40:37,583 --> 00:40:39,667 But why are you not okay with it? 694 00:40:41,999 --> 00:40:44,875 -Because it's a terrible fucking thing to do. -Why? 695 00:40:44,958 --> 00:40:46,375 Because it's shitty. 696 00:40:46,458 --> 00:40:47,750 It's cruel, and it's mean, 697 00:40:47,833 --> 00:40:50,750 and my mom doesn't deserve that. 698 00:40:50,833 --> 00:40:53,166 -Those are all things you believe. -Yes. 699 00:40:53,249 --> 00:40:56,750 -And your beliefs are part of who you are. -Yes, of course. 700 00:40:56,833 --> 00:40:58,208 So what you're saying is, 701 00:40:58,291 --> 00:41:00,083 is that you can simultaneously do something 702 00:41:00,166 --> 00:41:01,875 that you also believe is wrong. 703 00:41:01,958 --> 00:41:04,124 Well, doesn't you doing it 704 00:41:04,208 --> 00:41:05,708 mean more than your intentions? 705 00:41:05,792 --> 00:41:09,375 It all depends. Why are you ignoring all the things you believe? 706 00:41:14,958 --> 00:41:16,708 'Cause I wasn't thinking. 707 00:41:16,792 --> 00:41:20,416 Okay, but that could just be the struggle of all human beings. 708 00:41:21,917 --> 00:41:24,625 -What? -Living up to their belief system. 709 00:41:24,708 --> 00:41:28,416 Not all human beings threaten to kill their mom. 710 00:41:28,500 --> 00:41:32,625 True. Yours is more extreme. I'll give you that. 711 00:41:32,708 --> 00:41:34,458 But why? 712 00:41:34,541 --> 00:41:38,917 -Why is it more extreme? -Yeah. 713 00:41:38,999 --> 00:41:43,667 I don't know. 'Cause of, like, drugs, and... 714 00:41:43,750 --> 00:41:45,999 certain emotional disorders. 715 00:41:46,083 --> 00:41:48,958 You sure it's that, and not just because you're a terrible person? 716 00:41:49,041 --> 00:41:50,625 -I mean, 'cause it could just be 717 00:41:50,708 --> 00:41:52,208 because you're a piece of shit. 718 00:41:52,291 --> 00:41:54,667 -No, it's not that. -I mean, 'cause there's a lot of people with 719 00:41:54,750 --> 00:41:56,458 drug issues and emotional issues 720 00:41:56,541 --> 00:41:59,375 that don't threaten to kill their mothers. 721 00:41:59,458 --> 00:42:00,833 Yeah, no. I know. 722 00:42:00,917 --> 00:42:03,833 But you did. And your punishment, 723 00:42:03,917 --> 00:42:06,166 the sentence you're giving yourself is that you, 724 00:42:06,249 --> 00:42:08,999 Rue Bennett, are beyond forgiveness. 725 00:42:09,083 --> 00:42:11,041 That punishment is way too harsh, 726 00:42:11,124 --> 00:42:12,500 and it's also way too easy. 727 00:42:12,583 --> 00:42:14,625 It allows you to keep doing exactly what you're doing 728 00:42:14,708 --> 00:42:17,917 without changing, because you deserve it. 729 00:42:17,999 --> 00:42:20,166 There's no hope. You're beyond forgiveness. 730 00:42:20,249 --> 00:42:21,833 So you may as well just fuck the fuck off forever 731 00:42:21,917 --> 00:42:23,833 and go down the gutter because that's what this girl, 732 00:42:23,958 --> 00:42:25,708 this piece of shit, deserves. 733 00:42:25,792 --> 00:42:27,708 This is why the world keeps getting worse. 734 00:42:27,792 --> 00:42:29,875 People keep doing shit that we deem unforgivable, 735 00:42:29,958 --> 00:42:32,541 and in return, they decide there's no reason to change. 736 00:42:32,625 --> 00:42:34,333 So now you got a whole bunch of people running around 737 00:42:34,416 --> 00:42:36,416 who don't give a fuck about redemption. 738 00:42:36,500 --> 00:42:37,917 That's scary. 739 00:42:41,291 --> 00:42:43,833 Ali, what have you done that's so terrible? 740 00:42:44,958 --> 00:42:46,583 A lot. 741 00:42:47,833 --> 00:42:50,875 -But what? For real. -A lot. 742 00:42:50,958 --> 00:42:53,208 -You're not just saying that? -Nah. 743 00:42:53,291 --> 00:42:55,375 You promise? 744 00:42:55,458 --> 00:42:57,458 Why do you want to know? 745 00:42:58,875 --> 00:43:02,583 Because I think you're, like, a good person. 746 00:43:02,667 --> 00:43:07,500 And I just couldn't imagine you, like, doing something terrible. 747 00:43:15,416 --> 00:43:19,416 I grew up in a house where my dad used to beat on my mama. 748 00:43:19,500 --> 00:43:21,958 He was a drunken, cold son of a bitch. 749 00:43:23,041 --> 00:43:25,083 And every night, I lay in bed 750 00:43:25,166 --> 00:43:27,541 dreaming of every which way to kill him. 751 00:43:29,166 --> 00:43:31,083 But eventually, my mama up and left him 752 00:43:31,166 --> 00:43:34,875 and took me and my sister with her, and life goes on. 753 00:43:36,333 --> 00:43:38,500 But I always said to myself 754 00:43:38,583 --> 00:43:42,041 that no matter how bad shit got, 755 00:43:42,124 --> 00:43:44,792 whether I was shooting dope or smoking crack, 756 00:43:44,875 --> 00:43:48,041 I would never, ever be like my dad. 757 00:43:49,958 --> 00:43:52,875 And then I, I got married. 758 00:43:52,958 --> 00:43:56,416 I had two girls. It was chaos. 759 00:43:56,500 --> 00:43:58,958 I was using, and my wife wasn't having it. 760 00:43:59,041 --> 00:44:01,792 We were fighting every night. 761 00:44:01,875 --> 00:44:04,458 And it got physical. 762 00:44:04,541 --> 00:44:06,208 And, uh, 763 00:44:06,291 --> 00:44:10,166 one night I looked over and I see my two little girls watching. 764 00:44:10,249 --> 00:44:12,416 And I thought, 765 00:44:12,500 --> 00:44:14,041 here I am, 766 00:44:14,124 --> 00:44:15,500 a grown man with two girls, 767 00:44:15,583 --> 00:44:18,917 and they just watched me hit their mom in the face. 768 00:44:18,999 --> 00:44:21,667 I spent 30 years of my life... 769 00:44:22,999 --> 00:44:25,041 thinking of how to kill my dad 770 00:44:25,124 --> 00:44:28,708 for doing the same shit I just did to their mom. 771 00:44:30,708 --> 00:44:32,583 That's rock bottom. 772 00:44:32,667 --> 00:44:35,124 It doesn't get any worse than that. 773 00:44:35,208 --> 00:44:37,958 But, hey, it took me another five years to clean up, 774 00:44:38,041 --> 00:44:40,917 because for some people, there is no rock bottom. 775 00:44:40,999 --> 00:44:43,625 It's bottomless. 776 00:44:43,708 --> 00:44:46,124 And the truth is, 777 00:44:46,208 --> 00:44:50,458 drugs will fundamentally change who you are as a human being. 778 00:44:50,541 --> 00:44:52,458 Every moral. Every principle. 779 00:44:52,541 --> 00:44:55,083 Everything you hold close to your heart, 780 00:44:55,166 --> 00:44:58,917 and believe in, will go out the window or down the drain. 781 00:44:58,999 --> 00:45:02,750 'Cause there's no force stronger on planet Earth 782 00:45:02,833 --> 00:45:04,750 than that next fix. 783 00:45:07,458 --> 00:45:10,208 Now, you may be functioning. 784 00:45:10,291 --> 00:45:13,249 Maybe things go well. Maybe they last. 785 00:45:13,333 --> 00:45:15,625 And maybe they don't. 786 00:45:15,708 --> 00:45:17,833 But the one thing I know is true 787 00:45:17,917 --> 00:45:21,458 is that the longer you do drugs, 788 00:45:21,541 --> 00:45:23,458 the more you're gonna lose. 789 00:45:23,541 --> 00:45:25,333 And not just in terms of the things you love, 790 00:45:25,416 --> 00:45:28,208 but the things you value about yourself. 791 00:45:28,291 --> 00:45:32,208 And every compromise you make, every moral line that you cross, 792 00:45:32,291 --> 00:45:34,208 you'll go further and further, 793 00:45:34,291 --> 00:45:37,333 until you don't recognize who the fuck you are. 794 00:45:37,416 --> 00:45:39,208 And that list of racing thoughts, 795 00:45:39,291 --> 00:45:41,375 that list of unforgivable things, 796 00:45:41,458 --> 00:45:43,708 it grows longer. 797 00:45:43,792 --> 00:45:45,583 And gets uglier. 798 00:45:51,249 --> 00:45:53,375 You still think I'm a good person? 799 00:45:58,875 --> 00:46:00,208 Yeah. 800 00:46:05,416 --> 00:46:08,375 The thought of maybe being a good person 801 00:46:08,458 --> 00:46:11,458 is what keeps me trying to be a good person. 802 00:46:14,833 --> 00:46:16,208 Although, 803 00:46:16,291 --> 00:46:18,792 some people might disagree with you. 804 00:46:20,999 --> 00:46:23,875 My youngest daughter, for one. 805 00:46:28,500 --> 00:46:29,833 What's her name? 806 00:46:32,958 --> 00:46:34,166 Marie. 807 00:46:46,291 --> 00:46:47,708 Ali? 808 00:46:49,249 --> 00:46:50,708 Yeah? 809 00:46:52,875 --> 00:46:55,917 I just don't really plan on being here that long. 810 00:47:03,249 --> 00:47:05,041 And that's, um... 811 00:47:07,667 --> 00:47:10,041 That's the tough part about all this, you know? 812 00:47:13,208 --> 00:47:15,583 'Cause, I, I, I love talking to you. 813 00:47:15,667 --> 00:47:16,958 I do. 814 00:47:18,583 --> 00:47:22,166 And I agree with, um, almost everything you're saying. 815 00:47:22,249 --> 00:47:23,875 And I understand it. 816 00:47:27,875 --> 00:47:29,375 But, um... 817 00:47:31,750 --> 00:47:34,583 I just don't plan on being here that long. 818 00:47:41,333 --> 00:47:42,583 I get it. 819 00:47:44,667 --> 00:47:47,208 We're living in dark times. 820 00:47:48,333 --> 00:47:51,124 Huh. Not a lot of hope out there. 821 00:47:55,750 --> 00:47:58,667 The thing I miss about doing drugs... 822 00:48:01,708 --> 00:48:03,458 is the beauty. 823 00:48:04,583 --> 00:48:06,541 No matter what's going on in the world, 824 00:48:06,625 --> 00:48:09,500 no matter what's going on in your life, 825 00:48:09,583 --> 00:48:12,458 everything is gonna be okay. 826 00:48:19,083 --> 00:48:20,458 Yeah. 827 00:48:21,625 --> 00:48:24,833 The world's just really fuckin' ugly, you know? 828 00:48:27,291 --> 00:48:30,291 It's really fuckin' ugly, and, um... 829 00:48:31,792 --> 00:48:35,124 Everybody seems to be okay with it, you know? 830 00:48:38,458 --> 00:48:40,375 The anger. 831 00:48:40,458 --> 00:48:42,667 The level of anger. 832 00:48:44,208 --> 00:48:48,625 Everyone's just out to make everyone else not seem human. 833 00:48:52,999 --> 00:48:55,999 And I don't really want to be a part of it. 834 00:48:59,667 --> 00:49:02,166 I don't even want to witness it. 835 00:49:06,208 --> 00:49:08,708 Sure, it's not, like, the root of all my problems, 836 00:49:08,792 --> 00:49:11,792 but I definitely think about it. A lot. 837 00:49:11,875 --> 00:49:14,667 Because thinking about those questions, those ideas, 838 00:49:14,750 --> 00:49:18,958 they're a large part of, uh... 839 00:49:19,041 --> 00:49:21,333 what makes this life worth living. 840 00:49:24,583 --> 00:49:26,333 Right? 841 00:49:26,416 --> 00:49:29,500 That's what I was talking about earlier. 842 00:49:29,583 --> 00:49:32,291 You gotta believe in the poetry. 843 00:49:32,375 --> 00:49:38,458 The value of two people sitting in a diner on Christmas Eve, 844 00:49:38,541 --> 00:49:42,208 talking about life, 845 00:49:42,291 --> 00:49:44,124 addiction, 846 00:49:44,208 --> 00:49:45,667 loss. 847 00:49:47,291 --> 00:49:50,333 You don't want to be a part of it, Rue, because... 848 00:49:50,416 --> 00:49:53,083 you care about the big things in life. 849 00:49:54,708 --> 00:49:57,583 I don't know if I care about the big things in life. 850 00:49:57,667 --> 00:49:59,208 Come on now, of course you do 851 00:49:59,291 --> 00:50:02,416 because you obviously don't care about the small things, 852 00:50:02,500 --> 00:50:06,792 like being right, or being angry. 853 00:50:06,875 --> 00:50:11,124 All the things that kill curiosity and keeps us from... 854 00:50:11,208 --> 00:50:14,583 keeps us all from looking deeper. 855 00:50:17,917 --> 00:50:19,917 You said it earlier. 856 00:50:21,917 --> 00:50:24,166 I love talking to you. 857 00:50:24,249 --> 00:50:26,333 Because we talk about the real shit. 858 00:50:26,416 --> 00:50:29,208 Shit that matters. 859 00:50:29,291 --> 00:50:34,249 Like, who do you want to be when you leave this Earth? 860 00:50:36,083 --> 00:50:38,583 I'm not really sure I follow. 861 00:50:40,333 --> 00:50:42,708 You said you weren't gonna be here much longer. 862 00:50:44,291 --> 00:50:46,124 Okay. Then? 863 00:50:49,249 --> 00:50:52,458 How do you want your mom and sister to remember you? 864 00:51:25,583 --> 00:51:29,500 As someone who tried really hard to be someone I couldn't. 865 00:51:45,999 --> 00:51:47,999 I got faith in you. 866 00:51:51,208 --> 00:51:52,708 Why? 867 00:51:55,375 --> 00:51:57,333 I don't know. 868 00:51:57,416 --> 00:51:59,124 I just do. 869 00:52:02,249 --> 00:52:04,958 Granted, I was a Christian before I became a Muslim, 870 00:52:05,041 --> 00:52:07,083 so, I've been wrong before. 871 00:52:10,083 --> 00:52:13,041 -Thanks.