Subtitles by explosiveskull
"Jack Quartermaine knew he was a dead man."
No, no, no, no. "Jack Quartermaine thought he was a dead man."
No, no. "Jack Quartermaine feared he was a dead man."
Suspected.
Imagined?
Come on, Frank. Make up your mind!
What are you smilin' about?
Dad, Grandpa's here!
Welcome to your new home, Dad.
Smaller than I remember.
Sure got a lot of stuff, Grandpa.
I can do that, Jordie. I'm not an invalid.
Nobody thinks you're an invalid, Eddie.
- Just want you to feel welcome. - Eduardo.
- Huh? - It's Eduardo, not Eddie.
Right. But, you know, I could call you Dad.
Okay, Eduardo it is.
All right. This is the last of it.
Took you long enough. Oh, oh, whoa.
Uh-huh. Okay.
Boy. You know where I got this?
Judge Phillips, state supreme court.
He gave me this when I appeared before him on a federal case.
Said he never heard a more solid argument
from an attorney in his whole career.
Hmm.
Oh. Wow.
Well, I hope you don't mind bunk beds.
Nah. I got used to bunk beds, you know...
In the joint? I prefer "the slammer."
All right, I gotta get back to work, so I'll let you roommates settle in.
Dad. Dad? Yeah?
Exactly how long is Grandpa gonna be staying here?
I don't really know, Son.
Dad, I need my space.
Of course you do. Look... your mother and I are gonna work something out, okay?
But in the meantime, we're stuck with him.
So make the best of it, all right?
Whatever.
Potatoes are a little salty.
I just put a bit in the water, Dad. To give it some flavor.
Salt's no good for ya. It makes you retain fluid.
Weakens the muscle. You end up lookin' like your dad.
I still weigh the same as I did in the joint.
Here, feel that.
So, any plans tomorrow, Dad?
Ah, you know, the usual.
Meet up with a couple of friends...
have some coffee, complain about the weather.
Well, I'll be teaching tomorrow, but maybe Frank can drive you.
Mm-mm. Frank's gotta write.
You still keepin' up with that, huh?
Let's see... What was your last book?
The Copenhagen Conundrum.
That was, what, ten years ago?
- Five. - Oh.
Eh, close enough.
Thought you would've given up on that by now.
Bird's dry.
I don't think this is gonna work.
What do you mean?
Well, for one thing, I'm not sure I'm comfortable
livin' with an ex-con under our roof.
That is my father you're talking about, Frank.
And that was a long time ago.
He paid his debt to society.
He even got his law degree when he was in jail.
Doesn't that count for something?
Well, if he's such a hotshot lawyer,
why can't he stay in his apartment?
Because he almost burned it down when he forgot to turn off the stove.
Oh, that.
And then the neighbors complained
about him knocking on their doors at all hours
tryin' to get into the wrong apartment.
And when the landlord found him sleeping under the fountain...
he said it was the last straw.
Yeah. Well, if it's that bad, honey...
maybe it's time that we put him in a home.
He is in a home.
Our home.
Don't worry about Dad, hmm?
You probably won't even notice that he's here.
They workin' yet?
What? Your psychic powers.
You stare at her every day, but you never talk to her.
So the only way she's ever gonna know that you're interested is if she can read your mind.
Hey, I was just texting you. Meet you in the caf?
Hey.
Oh. Hi.
Jordan, right?
You know my name?
You're in my physics class. I'm Annie.
Oh. Nice to meet you.
Officially, that is.
You're trying out for the show? Huh?
The variety show. Let me guess, you sing?
Uh, uh... Yeah, sing.
Great. Me too. There I am.
There you are. There you are.
Well, I guess I'll see you at the auditions?
Maybe we can sing together.
Sing.
"Jack Quartermaine knew he was a dead man.
Central Command had inferred as much when he accepted the mission."
Implied.
Eduardo, you scared the crap outta me.
Yeah, but you used the wrong word.
Th-The word should be "implied."
The speaker implies, the listener infers.
Yeah. Okay. Thanks.
You know, funny thing happened to me once. Okay.
I was arguing a case in front of Judge Hightower, right?
Now every attorney in the district knows this guy is a class A moron.
Okay, okay.
He used the word "infer" incorrectly just like you did.
Yes, just like... Okay, listen, Eduardo.
I-I'd love to hear more about this,
but, you know, uh, the thing is I'm kinda workin'.
Oh, oh, yeah. You know?
Don't let me interrupt. Go ahead.
Okay. Good.
But you are.
Yeah. Okay.
I thought a man in your situation
might appreciate a little constructive criticism.
Wait. "My situation"? What's that mean?
Well, yeah, Frank, you know, you're not exactly Book-of-the-Month Club, are you?
No. You're like Book-of-the-Every-Five-Year Club.
Wow.
"Implied."
Five years.
Here we go, baby. Mission...
You gotta be kiddin' me!
Hey, would you turn that down, please?
Eduardo? Turn the music down please, would ya?
Eduardo.
Hey, hey, hey!
Watch out! That's a valuable record!
Do you have to play it so loud?
I like to listen for the subtle nuances.
It's polka.
Whoa! Here, hold these. Vinegar time.
What the hell is vinegar time?
Half a cup of vinegar, twice a day.
Better than any medication out there.
Want some? Nah, I'm good, thanks.
Hey, did you see some leftover Thai food in here?
I was savin' it for lunch.
Threw it out.
Got enough chemicals, enough salt, enough preservatives,
enough MSG to kill a water buffalo.
Yeah. Um... Okay, look, Eduardo...
I know this is a difficult situation for both of us...
...but irregardless of that, I think it would be helpful
if we set some ground rules right off the bat.
What do you think?
"Regardless."
What?
You meant "regardless."
Or, maybe, "irrespective."
But there's no such word as "irregardless."
Thanks, Eduardo.
Yo. Okay, good.
Yeah.
I thought we already paid the property tax?
Nah, nah. That one was for last year.
This one is for this year, which we didn't pay
because we needed the money for the mortgage.
All right, well, we'll figure it out.
We always do.
We'd be fine if I could just finish my novel.
How'd it go today?
Before the polka music or after?
Dad? Yeah.
He's either standin' over me correctin' my spelling,
or thumpin' through the house criticizin' my dietary habits.
Oh, he's just lonely, honey. Yes. Yes.
It's been five years since Mom died,
but I know he still misses her.
I know, I know, I'm sorry. I totally get it.
But, babe, I'm a writer, okay?
And I can't write if I have to babysit your dad.
Hey. I just got an idea. Hmm?
Why doesn't he invite some friends over here tomorrow?
What, seriously? Yeah.
What, you want me to take care of a houseful of Eduardos?
No, that's the point.
And they take care of each other.
They keep each other company, so you can get back to work.
Hmm.
What do you think?
Read 'em and weep. Straight to the king.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh.
Arnold is already showing a flush.
A straight beats a flush!
You're full of crap!
What are you yelling for?
We're playing for matchsticks, for crying out loud!
Okay, we got you all set up. Snacks, beer in the fridge.
Gabe, what difference does it make?
It makes a difference in principle.
A straight beats a flush, right, Arnold?
Only when it's a straight flush.
That's it. That's it. He's right.
You guys are cheaters. You're just a bunch of cheaters.
Hey, hey, hey! You can't say that.
I'm a certified public accountant,
and we never cheat!
- Have fun. - Ah, poker.
I wondered what I was going to be doing
until I died.
All right, baby.
Yes, sir.
Mm-hmm.
Hey! Where's the john?
Gabe.
- John. - Okay.
Down the hall, first door on the left.
Bladder's on its last legs.
All right.
How do you work this thing?
Never mind. That thing's bad for the environment, anyway.
I brought old Betsy.
So, what's the deal on that, Eddie?
I thought you didn't even like your son-in-law.
What're you doing living in his house?
Uh...
Well, they were having kind of a rough time
and asked me to move in and help out a bit.
That's a good thing. Yes.
Multigenerational families can be very rewarding.
Wait until the first time you forget where you put your milk,
and then they find it in your sock drawer.
Never get a reward for that one.
Whoa!
Hey, Frank! Lights went out!
All right, Arnold. See you later, perpetrator.
All right, my man. Be good. Walter.
Ciao. Ciao bella.
All right, Gabe. Take it easy.
Wait for me in the car, Dad. I'll be right there. Yeah.
Oh, Frank. Thank you so much for watching Dad all day.
Ah, it's no problem. I can tell that he had a lot of fun.
I was wondering if maybe he could come back again sometime soon?
Uh... Well, you know, Denise, this was kind of a one-time thing.
I'm not sure if we're gonna make it a regular event. I mean...
I could help with the expenses. No, no, I mean, that's not necessary.
Please. You would be doing me a huge favor.
Here. At least take 100. The senior home charges 300.
What, $300 per person?
Per day.
You don't say?
No, no. I mean, we could fit a dozen or so people in the house at once.
I mean, if we charge 100 bucks a day...
Okay, well, you wanna bring 12 people into our living room?
No, no, no. Not people, Emma. Clients.
I don't know, Frank.
It's a lot of work taking care of senior citizens.
You're the one that said that they could take care of each other.
What do I know about senior citizens?
I'm a high school teacher. Oh.
Hey, Dad. Can I talk to you for a sec?
Not right now, Jordie. Your mom and I are discussin' something.
It sounds like you're arguing.
Don't you have homework?
Thanks, Dad.
The truth is, we need the money.
Let's just try it for one week. What do you say?
Hello? Hi, Denise.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Frank Collins. We met the other day?
Yes, exactly. How are you? Good, good.
Listen, Denise, how would you like a place to put your dad?
I sure did.
Here.
Dad? Yeah.
I really need to talk to you about something.
Can it wait, Jordan? I'm a little busy right now.
Excuse me.
Had breakfast yet? I'll get something at school.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Your body is a machine.
You gotta keep it fueled up. Here.
Homemade granola.
I always keep a couple handfuls in my pocket, just in case.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Hey. What're you doin'?
Well, it was so nice havin' your friends over the other day,
I thought maybe we'd invite some more.
I don't have any more friends.
Not yet.
Hello, everybody! Welcome. Come on in. Good to see ya.
Thank you very much. Cash or check is appreciated.
Of course, we prefer cash, but we're not picky.
Hello. Nice to meet you. Hey, how are ya?
Good to see you, good to... Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much.
Go right on in. Plenty of seating. Lots of snacks.
That's great. Thank you, thank you.
Hey, Gabe! How are you, man?
Bye, Pops.
Gabe, what the hell are you doin' here?
I don't know, but Denise said I had to show up.
Okay. All right. I'll see you later. Bye.
All righty. Okay, you guys.
I'm Frank.
Hi, everybody. Nice to see you guys.
How about goin' around the room, you know,
gettin' to know each other a little bit.
Tell us a little somethin' about yourselves.
Uh... Sure, I'm Lou. They call me Big Lou.
Uh... 75. I fought in 'Nam, got a Purple Heart.
Again with the Purple Heart.
He fell off the back of a jeep.
Still counts.
And I'm Bonnie. I'm his wife.
Yeah, like they couldn't tell.
Oh, I-I guess I don't need to introduce myself.
Mm.
Oh! I'm Dan North.
Dynamite Dan, the Van Man? See? Yeah? Mmm?
Our prices are explosive.
Oh, yeah! I remember those commercials.
You used to blow stuff up.
Ah! Yeah, yeah.
What'd you say?
I said you used to blow stuff up in the commercials.
I'm sorry. I don't hear very well anymore.
I used to blow stuff up in my commercials.
Oh. I remember that place. Isn't it a yogurt shop now?
Huh?
Oh, oh, I can't do yogurt.
It gives me the whoopsies.
What the hell are the whoopsies?
My name is Millie, and these are my grandchildren.
Do you wanna see them?
This one is Alicia. Isn't she cute?
And this is... Oh, this is Owen.
And this is Candice, and this...
Oh, this is Timothy,
and his twin sister is Tammy. I'll show you her.
I'll tell you what. I'm gonna let you guys get acquainted with each other.
I'm gonna leave you guys here. How about some TV, maybe?
Hey! It's almost 11:00.
We can watch Guess My Price Tag!
All right, all right. Oh, yes.
Guess My Price Tag!
All right. That's comin' on.
You guys, again, please help yourselves with snacks.
And if there's anything that you need, um, ask Eduardo.
Sorry. What'd he say?
So, you tell her yet?
Are you kidding?
If I tell Annie the only reason I signed up for the audition
was because I wanted to talk to her, she's gonna...
She's gonna think you're even more of a creep than you already are?
Thanks.
Hey, Jordan.
Have you picked out your song yet?
Uh, my song? Yeah.
You know, for your audition?
I'm doing "My Heart Will Go On." I love Céline.
Yeah. She can really... sing.
Well, better pick one soon.
Audition's in two weeks.
"Yeah. She can really, uh, sing."
Shut up!
No! See? Now you've turned it off!
The input button! You were supposed to push the input button!
What're you talkin' about? I got one of these at home.
What are we supposed to do with these games? They're all missing pieces.
Ah, forget about that. Will you rub my leg? It's actin' up.
Rub your own leg.
Here. My son gave me these when my lumbago acts up.
Mm. Thank you. Let's see.
Oh, that's good.
Mm-hmm. The pain goes right away.
You wanna try one? Oh. Thanks.
I get some pain too. Can I have one?
Be my guest.
Hey! What?
You want one? Sure!
Thank you.
These are actually pretty good.
What's in these things?
What if we're all just...
tiny, little microbes on this gigantic organism?
And what if that organism...
is a microbe on another organism?
Ooh.
Hey, I'm Mister Ed. I'm a knight.
Those are damn good candies.
"Jack Quartermaine had come to a dead end."
Again, Frank?
You know, I came to this same dead end in T he Peruvian Principle.
Then again in The Romanian Rituals and The Warsaw Wire.
Which, by the way, was not one of your better titles.
- So? - So...
maybe that's why you're having such a hard time finishing this book.
Maybe I'm not the only one stuck in a dead end.
Oh, no.
What the...?
Come on, Frank. Stop messin' around! We got fire here.
- Okay. Thank you. - Fire! Fire!
Help. Help.
Hey, could you call the fire department
and ask them to send us some firemen?
I knew we should have had an escape plan.
Frank! Frank, come on! Hey!
Where's the fire extinguisher?
- It's all... Just calm down. - Duck and dive.
Duck and... Duck and dive!
- Everybody just calm down. - Headed for the front door!
Gabe! What are you doin'? What?
We got the munchies. You got the munchies?
Fire!
Ah! Ah!
Comin' through. Let me through.
Let me through. Let me through.
No, no, no!
I've always wanted to do that.
Eduardo!
Fire! Fire!
Oh! Can we make that stop?
Just take the battery out.
You have to push the reset button.
I can't reach that thing.
Typical.
I got it. I got it. Don't worry. Here we go. Put this here...
I got it.
- Whoa. - You gotta take the battery out!
Push the reset button!
Here. Here. Whack it with this. It always worked for me.
Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah? Okay.
- Whack it! - Take the battery out, Frank!
- Whack it! - Push the reset button!
- Whack it! - Which button is the reset button?
Well, I don't know. It's your house!
Whack it, whack it, whack it!
Fire! Fire!
Oh. Oh.
Well, what do you know? A reset button.
Is it off?
Yeah.
Son?
Can you feel your feet? Yeah, I felt that.
Hold on.
Frank, here, it's for you.
Hello?
Oh, yeah. Everything's fine. Okay, yeah. Bye-bye.
Okay.
I'm all right.
Whoo! The alarm company wanted to know...
Fire! Fire!
Got anymore popcorn?
You sure you're okay?
Yeah, it was just a little bump on the head.
And a fall down the stairs.
And I was almost suffocated by chemical foam.
But judgin' by the numbers, it was all worth it.
You're lucky that's all that happened to you.
Eduardo, thank you for caring.
I'm not talkin' about you, you idiot.
I'm talkin' about that whole houseful of people you had.
This whole place could've gone up.
Hold on, now. Aren't you exaggerating a little bit?
Try this on for size.
You're operating an illegal social service facility out of your house.
That's not an exaggeration.
Honey, maybe this isn't such a good idea after all.
Well, how about this money? Hmm?
That's a pretty good idea, wouldn't you say?
Until I finish my book, it's the only thing standin' between us
and gettin' kicked out of our house.
Or, you get a real job.
Dad.
No, no. No, honey.
I like hearin' what he really thinks about me.
He never thought I was good enough for his daughter, anyway.
That's not true, Frank. Really?
Ask him.
Dad?
I stand on the Fifth.
Let me tell you somethin', Frank.
A long time ago, I made a mistake.
Cost me a lot of years.
I missed watchin' my daughter grow up.
And I promised myself when I got out of the joint,
I would keep my nose clean.
Now, this is your house, so you can do whatever you want,
but you count me out.
What if he's right?
Of course he's not right.
Writing is a real job.
Just because you haven't sold a book in five years
and you're not making any money at the moment...
and you've got a deadline you're probably not gonna meet...
you feel like a failure, I mean, it doesn't mean that...
Yeah, actually, I wasn't talkin' about the writing.
Oh.
Eduardo? Are you all right?
Who the hell are you?
Dad?
What are you doin' in my house?
No, no, no, Eduardo, you're in our house. Hey.
- Where am I? - Shh, you're just havin' a bad dream, Dad.
It's all right.
What are you doin'... Where are you takin' me?
What...?
Esmeralda!
Just a little more water, Dad.
Good.
Is Grandpa gonna be okay?
Yes. Yeah.
He's just a little bit confused, that's it.
He's gonna be fine.
All right. Go back to bed, Jordie.
It's okay, Eduardo.
It's okay.
All right. Millie, two pills once daily.
Thank you very much. Hey, Dan. And what've we got here?
Uh, one twice a day. All right, thank you. Yeah, one twice a day.
Thank you. Hey!
Big Lou. We have once every three hours. Got it.
Do me a favor and double his dose? It keeps him calm.
Copy that. With you as my wife, we should triple it.
- Come on, Mom, let's go. - I'm moving as fast as I can.
Hi. I'm Beverly. This is my mother, Blanche.
Hi, Blanche. Hello.
Actually, we don't take drop-ins, but...
But we will definitely make an exception.
I need someplace to put her during the day until my father's probate closes.
Everywhere else in town has a waiting list.
Bev, I'm fine living by myself.
Don't argue, Mom! I'm already late for a meeting.
- Could she stay? - Uh...
I'm sorry. I don't mean to impose.
Well, it... No imposition at all. We'd love to have you.
Great. Thank you.
I'll pick her up at five. Good.
Thank you. All right.
Blanche. Yes?
You play horseshoes, girl? Let's see.
Okay.
Hmm.
Ned Tooley to headquarters. We have a situation.
You stepped over the line. That's cheating! What are you talkin' about?
What? I can't hear you.
Just a little more on your nose.
You know how sensitive you are to the sun.
I look like a damn French mime.
And this is my great-grandson, Duncan.
He's a professional waffle maker,
and he works at one of the best Waffle Houses in Pittsburgh.
And you... Would you excuse me?
Oh, sure, sure.
Oh!
- Excuse me. - Hi, can I help you?
I was just looking for the ladies room.
Down the hall to the left.
Ah. Thank you. Nice music.
You like polka?
Doesn't everybody?
Thank you.
Hey, Eduardo! Come over here and help me beat this cheatin' rat!
Okay, now, what'd you say?
You're not playin'?
I never learned.
It's an easy game. I'll teach you, if you like.
Over here, just, like, swing back like this.
Your arm back. Look here.
Sure. Here, let me show you.
Okay. Here we go. Swing it back.
There you go. All the way back. That's it.
Wow, Blanche, you're really graceful.
Huh?
I was a dancer. On Broadway.
Really? Mm.
Understudy in West Side Story.
Yeah, never made it onstage, though.
Damn Chita Rivera. She never missed a show.
Uh? Okay, you know what? Uh, just swing it one, two, three, and let it go.
Oh. Okay.
I'm only askin' for an extension on the deadline, Harry. No.
Man, it's not like I'm sittin' around
waitin' for inspiration to hit me on the head.
Let me call you back.
Hey, can I help you? Hi! Ned Tooley.
Department of Social Services.
I have a few questions about your business. May I come in?
Uh... Sure, come on in. No!
Eduardo, what's the matter? Shut up, Frank.
Okay.
Do you have a warrant to enter the premises?
No. This is just a friendly visit.
Okay. Let's be friends on the porch, okay?
Close the door, Frank.
How can we help you, sir?
Oh, yes, I have a couple questions.
How long have you been operating an elder day care facility?
Oh, I'd say... Don't answer that, Frank.
I'm sorry. Are you Mr. Collins' attorney?
No, no, I'm Mr. Collins' father-in-law.
All right, then.
Do you have a license to operate a day care facility?
You know, technically I... Don't answer that, Frank.
Oh, fine.
I can see we're not gonna get anywhere here today.
But I will tell you this, Mr. Collins.
If you don't have a license to operate a day care facility,
I, with the powers invested in me by the city Social Services Department,
will be forced to shut you down.
I shall return.
Have a nice day.
Thanks. That was very impressive.
First year law student could've handled that.
I told you. You're gonna need a license for this place.
So, what do I do now?
I know that kind of guy. He'll be back tomorrow.
And city hall closes at 5:00.
Well, we better get down there.
What are you gonna do with all the people in your backyard?
Ah.
Frank, can ya pull in somewhere? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Didn't I tell ya to go before we got in the car?
I did. I have to go again.
Well, now you'll just have to wait till we get there.
Suit yourself. It's not my van.
And that's my son's second wife. Or third.
Oh, well, they all kind of blend together after a while.
My kids wanna put me in a nursing home.
Why didn't you tell them you don't wanna go?
Yeah, I did.
And they're trying to get a court order
so they can stick me in one anyway.
They really want the money my Henry left me.
You have to get a lawyer.
Who can afford a lawyer?
Frank?
- Yeah? - Frank! There's a bee in here!
All right, well, just leave it alone.
- Stay calm. - Ooh, I'm allergic to bees.
No! How allergic?
If I get stung, I might not die.
Hey, listen. Don't make it angry, okay?
Bees get nasty when they're angry.
Just let it go out the window.
- I got it! I got it! - You're doing that on purpose.
- Whack it! Whack it! - I think it's already angry.
You know, it's after me. It wants my cologne.
Would you pull over? Pull over!
I can't pull over. I'm driving, Dan.
I'll get it.
Hey, Gabe, Gabe...
I bruise easily. Please.
What?
- It stung me! - Oh, my gosh.
In my purse! I have my EpiPen!
Where is it? Where is it?
In my purse there.
- Do something! - I just need you to calm down.
What do I do? What do I do?
Put it here, on my thigh.
- Do something! - I'll get it!
Whoo. Whoo.
There's your bee. It's still alive.
Oh, you know what? I didn't get stung after all.
It was just my broach.
There it goes, out the window.
No casualties.
Yeah. No casualties.
Why are we here again?
What? You say I never take you anywhere.
Doesn't work.
Thank you.
All right then, everything seems to be in order.
That'll be $90.
That is great. Here you go.
Thank you.
Next. Excuse me.
What about our license?
Oh, certainly. Let me just check.
The current processing time is 12 to 18 months.
Eighteen months?
Yes. Sometimes it's closer to 12,
and other times it's closer to 18.
That's why we give you a range.
No, I need this license today!
Oh, well.
Then you probably should have applied 18 months ago. Or 12.
Next.
Where's the bathroom?
Right around the corner, sir.
What can I get you all?
I'll have the special. Yeah, the special's good.
I'll have the special.
Yeah, I guess I'll have the special too, yeah.
All right. And I'll have the special.
Y'all are easy. What are you guys having?
The special!
What's the special?
Nine-ounce filet mignon in a peppercorn sauce,
almond rice pilaf, and a side of corn on the cob.
I'm lactose intolerant. Can you substitute chicken for the steak?
Sure.
May I have the corn off the cob?
No cob. I'll just have the special.
But make it French fries instead of that rice stuff, you know?
Okay.
I'm vegan.
Uh, just water.
Okay.
I want the rice pilaf, but no almonds. I can't.
No almonds. And no salt in his.
And I would like a Rob Roy.
With cheese?
Never mind. Okay.
I'm just gonna go check in with the chef.
I'm fine. I don't need anything.
You guys, we gotta figure out a faster way to get this license.
Not in this city.
Unless... Unless what?
Unless we go after an existing license.
Make an offer to someone who has a similar company in the past,
kept the license registered but dormant.
Yes! That's... Eduardo, you're a genius!
Thank you!
Huh? Yes!
No, thank you for the idea. That's great.
Where are we?
Where's my Esmeralda?
Who's Esmeralda?
That was his wife.
Hey, Eduardo. Eduardo?
Who are you?
Everything's okay.
What? Who are you?
Who are all these people?
What are you doing here?
Why am I sitting here?
I have to go home.
Somebody take me home.
Somebody please call my wife.
Tell her where I'm at.
Everything's okay.
What's that now?
Hey. Tell us about the dumbest judge
that you ever appeared in front of. Hmm?
Judge Hightower.
No question.
Class A moron.
So, I'm arguing in front of him,
and the whole case hinges on one little piece of evidence,
which I thought was no better than circumstantial,
but I had to prove it.
All right, Millie. I'll see you in the car. Okay.
All right, you two.
Thanks for pickin' up the check.
You got it, Big. All right, Dan.
Go ahead. Thank you.
Hmm. It's called bein' a gentleman.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, wait a second. Where's Gabe?
Excuse me, sir. Yeah?
There's somebody who wants to talk to you.
He's in here.
Gabe? Hello, Frank? Is that you?
Yeah, are you all right?
No, not exactly. I could use a little help.
Thank you.
Come in.
Wow. Okay.
All right, so, what's goin' on, Gabe?
I can't get up.
- Huh? - I can't get up! My muscles won't work.
The legs, I don't know, maybe it's bad circulation. I can't get up.
Okay. Well, so what do I do?
Help me get off this damn toilet.
I was afraid you were gonna say that.
Okay, all right. Wait.
Are you finished?
Yes. And in answer to your next question, yes, I wiped.
Okay, I wasn't gonna ask you that.
You ready? One, two...
Okay. That's not gonna work. Okay.
All right, let me get in here.
All right. Hold on to me. Okay.
All right, here we go. I got ya. Okay, one, two, three.
Come on, push. Push!
Use your core. There you go.
Okay, now, swing it. I got it.
Yeah. Swing it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here we go.
Swing, okay. Hold on, hold on.
What do I do?
Ah!
Oh, Gabe!
Now I'm all wet! All right, I'm sopping wet too...
and I don't have any pants on!
♪ Won't you come see about me? I'll be alone ♪
♪ Dancing You know it, baby ♪
♪ Tell me your troubles And doubts ♪
♪ Givin' me everything Inside and out and... ♪
I give up!
What seems to be the problem?
I'm tryin' to make this stupid song into a rap, but it's not working.
Is that your style? Rap?
I don't know. I guess I don't really have a style.
Everybody's got a style, Jordie.
The trick is to find it.
Now, come on. We need your help.
Okay, I found the city business portal.
Good. Good. Now look up business licenses.
He had another one of his episodes today.
Didn't know where he was, didn't know anybody's names.
That's the second time this week.
Do you think he's getting worse? I don't know.
But I did help a guy off the toilet today, so,
I think I could take care of your dad.
Aren't you afraid you're gettin' too close to your clients?
Not clients, Emma. People.
Oh.
Found something! Yeah? What do you got?
Exactly what we're lookin' for.
License for a day care center,
registered inactive 15 years ago.
"Daddy Day Care."
What do you think?
Perfect.
We're in business!
Yes! Good job. Nice!
Daddy Day Care, huh? I remember it.
It seems like a long time ago.
You didn't enjoy it?
Enjoy?
That's a funny way to put it.
Sometimes in my dreams,
I can still hear them.
The screaming. The crying.
The poopin'. Those were dark times.
I lost everything.
My drive. My spirit.
My car!
Sometimes I look in the mirror...
I don't even recognize myself.
You really sure you wanna buy it?
We were hopin' you'd transfer the license over to us for free.
I like your style.
Start the negotiations low. Don't worry.
I ain't gonna try and gouge you. How about...
$100,000 and it's all yours.
And that can be all up-front.
Or you can give me 50 now and 50 later.
I can work with 50. Charlie...
We don't have $50,000.
We're just tryin' to run an elder care facility.
You know, give seniors a fun and safe place to go.
Wow. That's really, really touching.
I respect that, I really do.
How about ten grand and we call it a deal?
I can give you $2,000.
Oh, my God, yes! Whoo!
Um... I mean, yes.
I reluctantly accept and confirm this binding contract.
Can you give me cash?
Daddy Day Care?
Actually, we're re-branding.
We're now called... Granddaddy Day Care.
Clever. Mind if I take a look around?
Not without a warrant.
You need to show just cause to enter a private residence.
You're a real stickler for detail, aren't you?
Look, guys, I'm just trying to do my job.
I wanna make sure you're running a safe facility so that nobody gets hurt.
Well, all the more reason for you to bring that warrant.
Fine. I'll be back.
And I'm bringing friends.
Hey, Eduardo.
I know you and I haven't always seen eye-to-eye.
Yeah, really?
I just wanted to say thank you for buyin' the license.
I'll pay you the $2,000 back, eventually.
Hey, forget about that, all right?
After you and Emma invited me to live here,
it's the least I can do.
Yeah. Hey, you know, I was also wondering if...
You want me to make an appointment for you?
You know, to see the doctor?
Doctor? What for?
For the episodes.
What the hell are you talkin' about, Frank?
You know, when you get confused and disoriented?
It might be somethin' serious.
Look, just because I helped you out,
doesn't mean you can start buttin' in my life.
No, I didn't mean to. Let's get one thing straight.
I don't need to see a doctor.
There's nothin' wrong with me.
Why don't you take care of your business here,
and leave me alone!
Break a leg!
Find your own style.
♪ Won't you come see about me? I'll be alone ♪
♪ Dancing You know it, baby ♪
♪ Tell me your troubles And doubts ♪
♪ Givin' me everything Inside and out and ♪
♪ Love's strange So real in the dark ♪
♪ Think of the tender things That we were working on ♪
♪ Slow change May pull us apart ♪
♪ When the light gets In your heart, baby ♪
♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
♪ Don't, don't, don't, don't ♪
♪ Don't you forget about me ♪
♪ Will you stand above me ♪
♪ Look my way Or never love me? ♪
♪ Rain keeps falling Rain keeps falling ♪
♪ Down, down ♪
♪ I say La, la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la-la La-la-la-la-la ♪
♪ La-la-la-la La-la-la-la ♪
♪ As you walk on by ♪
Mm.
Oh.
Ho-ho.
You suck.
Thank you.
- I hate magic. - Me too.
Why don't we go to your room and do something else?
Like what?
Ugh.
I haven't done this in a long time.
That's my favorite. Mine too.
Let's polka! Let's do it!
Sounds like it's going well in here?
It sure is. Hey, listen to this.
"Granddaddy Day Care is the answer to your senior home care problem.
Enjoy healthy recreation and fun activities
in a warm, friendly environment."
Do you think I should take a first aid class? That could be a good selling point.
Frank. What about your book?
Well, it'll have to wait now that we got our license.
I gotta concentrate on Granddaddy Day Care.
Well, I thought the whole point of this was to give you a chance to write?
Yeah. Um...
Actually, uh...
the whole point has been to save our house.
This is a notice of foreclosure.
Dated two weeks ago.
Yeah. Okay, look, look.
Don't worry, okay? I got it all figured out.
In two weeks, we'll pay the back taxes,
we'll get current on the mortgage,
and then we'll be back in the black. Everything will be fine.
Frank? I think you better come in here.
There's something wrong with Eduardo.
We were just dancing.
Who are you? Stay away from me!
Dad. Dad, it's me. It's Emma.
I don't like this.
Where am I? I wanna go home.
Eduardo.
Hey, man.
Tell us about this.
I don't know who... What now?
No, tell us where you got this globe.
Judge Phillips, state supreme court.
He gave it to me after I appeared before him on a federal case.
Yeah? And you won?
Yeah.
I won.
You got trouble downstairs.
Uh, can I help you, Mr. Tooley?
You need to see our license again?
Oh, no. We already have that on file.
What we don't have on file is a record of inspection for the license holder since 2003.
We have no way of knowing if your facility's up to code.
Uh-huh, well, unless you've got a warrant...
Like this one?
By the authority vested in me by the city building inspector,
the Department of Social Services and, frankly,
my own common sense, this facility is closed until further notice.
Come on, Tooley. Give us a break, will ya?
These people needed a place to go, and my husband gave it to them.
Aw. Well, that's not how it works, folks.
Also, you're being fined for these violations.
$50,000? I'm not payin' this!
Hmm.
Well, then we'll just take your home,
we'll sell it to pay off the lien.
Problem solved.
Have a nice day.
This is a disaster. You're gonna have to come to work with me.
I'm so sorry, you guys. We'll get this worked out, I promise.
- Sorry. Bye. - See ya, Lou.
I don't wanna leave.
Don't worry, Mom. We have a nice place all picked out for you.
But I wanna stay here.
Don't argue, all right? Let's go!
Sorry, Bill.
What are we going to do?
I don't know. Why don't you ask your father?
What's that supposed to mean?
Yeah, it's because of him we're in this mess in the first place!
If it wasn't for him and his polka music and his vinegar drinking
and his wanderin' around in the middle of the night,
I would've been able to work on my book and everything would've been fine!
Don't blame my dad because you haven't finished your book!
Why not? It's his fault!
It is not his fault, Frank. It's yours!
I am your wife and your biggest fan,
but you haven't written a word in five years.
That has nothing to do with my father.
Now we have a tax bill we can't pay,
a mortgage we can't afford, and we owe $50,000 to the city!
Yeah, maybe your dad would like to pay for that, huh?
I thought he was some big rich lawyer,
and he's over here spongin' off of us, livin' in our house rent free.
Why can't he cough up the money, huh?
I wish I could.
Dad.
I'm so sorry, you shouldn't have heard that.
No, actually, I'm glad I did.
I should've told you two the truth a long time ago.
About what?
About why I accepted your offer to move in.
Why I'm not in some luxurious country club,
sippin' martinis, playin' mini-golf.
I'm broke.
What?
Haven't got a dime to my name.
You didn't have retirement savings or investments?
Had both. Plenty of 'em. Lost 'em all.
How? I met a Nigerian princess on the Internet,
and she was tryin' to get her family out of the country and...
said she had millions and needed a bank account in America.
You fell for an Internet scam.
See, she was so convincing and... I was so lonely.
I guess after your mother died,
I just kinda lost my way a bit.
Did you call the police?
How would it look? An ex-con gets conned.
I was too embarrassed.
Yeah, but you paid for the license.
That $2,000, where'd you get that money from?
My social security check.
You gave up your social security check to help me?
Like I said, it was the least I could do.
I should've told you two sooner.
I'm so sorry.
What are you doin'? What's it look like I'm doin'? I'm packin'.
Where are you gonna go?
The last thing I wanna do is be a burden on you and my daughter.
You're not a burden, Eduardo, okay?
We like havin' you here.
Do you know what the penalty for perjury is?
Man, stop playin'. You're not goin' anywhere.
What?
Hold on.
You got The Pravda Protocol first edition?
Yeah. And The Azerbaijan Accord.
You got The Moldavian Manuscripts.
What... and you got The Warsaw Wire?
Not one of your best titles.
Where'd you get these? I bought 'em.
You know I would've got you some copies for free.
Yeah, but I figured if I paid for 'em,
it would help your sales figures, and...
I kinda like the idea of having a son-in-law on the best-sellers' list.
Yeah? Even one that's not good enough for your daughter?
All fathers say that.
In your case, I was wrong.
I'm really proud of you, Frank.
And I'm proud to be your father-in-law.
Does that mean I could call you Dad?
Don't push it.
Ah. Okay.
Hey, so you think we can get Granddaddy Day Care back on its feet?
You know, with you being a writer and me being a lawyer,
if we put our heads together, I know we can come up with somethin'.
These books are a mess.
Who did your taxes, anyway, a chimpanzee?
Is there anything you can do for him, Walter?
Well, of course I can.
I'm a CPA. Certified Public Accountant.
Now, the first thing we'll do
is to file for a tax extension.
That'll give you an extra 30 days.
Thirty days? Yeah.
I can't come up with all that money in 30 days.
You won't have to.
We're gonna sue the bastards.
If it may please the court, the issue before us today
is not that of a simple code violation,
but a larger Constitutional right to free association
guaranteed us by the First Amendment.
What do you think of that, Frank?
Oh, that was pretty good, man.
But you might wanna consider pants.
Oh! Yeah.
What do you think, Jordie? Pants, no pants?
Whatever.
What's the matter with you?
Nothing.
I guess I'll just iron my pants.
Frank. Yeah.
You know sometimes "nothing" isn't really nothing.
I wasn't a good father to Emma when she was a little girl.
Don't make the same mistake.
- Hey. - Hey.
So...
I just talked to your grandpa.
Sorry I wasn't payin' attention, man, you know?
No big deal. How was the audition?
Take a guess.
Ah...
I didn't even wanna be in the stupid show.
And now Annie's gonna find out I bombed,
and she'll probably ignore me for the rest of the year.
Or, maybe she'll see what I see,
which is a very brave young man who tried somethin' new.
And failed.
You know how many books I had to write before gettin' my first one published?
I don't know.
Twenty-three.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
So, you know, success and failures,
that's just two sides of the same coin.
You only really fail at something
if you didn't give it a shot in the first place, so...
Whatever happened, just remember this.
I'm always proud of you. Always.
Okay?
Millie? Millie, what's wrong?
It's Blanche!
She was a wonderful woman.
She was always so polite.
She had a very sweet smile.
Kind word for everyone.
She found my EpiPen in my purse,
and that's not easy.
What's the matter with you people? You're talking about her as if she's dead!
Well, she might as well be.
Her kids have put her in the worst nursing home in the state.
Shady Side Acres is basically the last stop before you're worm food.
I heard they serve tapioca pudding with every meal.
Okay, but come on, you guys, we gotta do somethin'!
You can't just sit around here complainin' like a bunch of old...
Hmm?
Old people. Go ahead, say it, Frank.
- I didn't mean that. - Why not? We are old people.
Do you know how long it takes me to get out of the bathtub?
Knee acts up every time it rains.
And I get to hear about it, every time it rains.
I take so many pills in the morning,
I rattle when I walk.
Okay, fine.
You're old.
But that doesn't mean you're useless.
Collectively, there's about 500 years' worth of life experience in this room.
Sure, you put your teeth in a glass by the bed.
Okay, maybe parts of your body are sagging like cheap luggage,
and so what, you need to pee every 20 minutes.
Ten.
The point is, your friend is in trouble,
and if you don't help her,
you're worse off than she is in that nursin' home.
You might as well already be dead.
My son-in-law is right.
We can't just let that wonderful woman rot in there
because her stepdaughter doesn't wanna deal with her.
We've gotta do somethin'.
I'm in.
- We're in. - We're in.
- I'm in! - All right, I'm in too.
As long as you schedule bathroom breaks.
Look, I hate to be the naysayer here, but, Dad?
Did you forget you have a court appointment tomorrow?
You're supposed to be appearing before the judge to save Granddaddy Day Care.
You're right. Something like this means
breakin' into Blanche's nursing home, finding her,
avoiding the security guard, getting her out of there,
and makin' it to court by 10:00 a.m.
I'm in.
Okay, now, the main entrance is right here.
We've got side entrances here and here,
but they're all locked from the inside.
They've got security guards 24 hours a day.
They've got cameras in the hallways recording everything.
The alarm system engages the moment a resident steps off the property.
Well, it looks impossible.
In 'Nam it was all in a day's work.
Here.
I was gonna give these to my grandkids for Christmas.
Last year they gave me a fruitcake.
Screw 'em.
I don't know. The place looks like Fort Knox.
You think they're gonna just let us walk in the front door?
We're gonna have to be very smart...
and very, very inconspicuous.
Yes. Whatever we do, we must not call attention to ourselves.
Please hold.
May I help you?
Yes. We're from 1-800-Clowns.
You ordered some entertainment for today?
There must be some mistake. I don't see anything about this on our schedule.
Better check again, lady. We didn't get all dressed up like this for nothin'.
What's wrong, Cujo?
You smell a kitty-cat?
You can't go back there without a pass! Come back here!
Wait here.
- Don't you take her dog! - Come back here!
You can't...
Let's go.
Hmm. E-6.
Miss.
Blanche Clark. Room 113.
There you go, Gabe. All right.
You two, keep security busy.
Eduardo, let's go get Blanche.
Come back here! Ooh!
Security. We have a situation.
I think Velma's been dippin' into the pill stash again.
She said she saw a bunch of clowns.
Stay here. I better check this out.
What are you doin' here?
Huh?
There it is. 113.
Wait, wait, look.
Sal. We just lost another one.
Sal!
Ah! Ah! Hey!
Blanche?
It's me, Eduardo.
We've come to get you outta here.
Ah!
Front desk. Velma, call the cops.
The place is crawlin' with clowns.
Will do.
B-Bozo to Emmett. Come in, Emmett.
Uh... W-What's your 20? Over.
Yeah, yeah, our "20" is that you sent us to the wrong room, Gabe.
Are you sure it says 113?
Uh... Oh, whoops. It's 118. My bad.
I guess I do need glasses.
All right, this better be the one,
because we have less than an hour to get you to court.
It's this way. It's this way.
You're going down.
Excuse me.
You think Grandpa's gonna make it here on time?
Oh, he has to, honey. Or we're in big trouble.
All rise.
Let's see.
We have City Social Services versus Frank Collins.
Approach the bench.
Um... Your Honor?
May I have a word with you?
Blanche!
Eduardo!
Eduardo! Oh!
How did you know it was me?
I'd recognize those eyes anywhere.
Okay, okay. Pack up your stuff.
We're gonna get you outta here. Oh, okay.
You don't have to ask me twice. Oh!
Hey, Emmett to Chuckles, Emmett to Chuckles.
We're leavin' the Big Top, baby.
What?
What's goin' on?
Got you, and your little invisible dog too.
Now what?
Attention. Attention. Attention.
What do we do now? We blend in.
...walk to the nearest stairway exit.
Clowns!
We did it!
We're not outta the woods yet. We still don't have Big Lou and Bonnie.
Let's go. Let's go. Oh.
Hey, Emmett to Jingles. Emmett to Jingles.
Who's laughin' now, clown?
Let him go!
Hey, lady. Oh!
Easy.
Let go of my wife! What?
Lou!
You've always been my hero.
There they are!
Ah!
No man left behind!
There's definitely a better route. I know, I know.
You're driving too fast. You could look at Google or Waze or something.
What are you talkin' about?
Your Honor, with all due respect,
are we really gonna wait for them all day?
That's it. I'm calling it. The court rules in favor of...
Your Honor, I was unavoidably detained.
Well, I imagine you have a really good explanation, Mr. Hernandez.
I certainly do, Your Honor.
Are you ready to proceed?
Yes, Your Honor. I am.
Eduardo Hernandez for the petitioner, Mr. Frank Collins.
This case is a perfect example of regulatory overreach.
This seems to me that your client was operating
an illegal elder day care facility and got caught with his pants down.
No, that's not what...
Uh...
No, that's not what...
It was like more of a... Where is...
Wait a minute. It was a... What...
Mr. Hernandez, are you all right?
Wait a minute. Hold... No!
He... It was more of a...
Grandpa's losing it. What was I sayin'?
Uh... Your Honor, it's...
Hey, hey, hey.
The regulations are overreaching.
- Who the hell are you? - Dad?
Mr. Collins, I'm afraid we're gonna have to put an end to this.
No, no, please, Your Honor. Just give us a minute. He'll be okay.
Hey, Eduardo. Look at me. Look at me.
Where are we? We're in court.
Everybody is here waitin' to hear you tell 'em about
how you argued in front of Judge Hightower.
Judge Hightower.
Class A moron.
What does that have to do with this?
Your Honor, it's true.
We used a 102-C license
to run a 105-D facility.
It's also true that we have not yet complied
with the code requirements of a 105-D facility.
But neither of these are the real point.
The real point is that this capricious and vindictive fine
goes to the very heart of our right for freedom of association.
It was done without notice or warning.
And more importantly, it violates our right to remedy the transgressions.
It's unconstitutional and un-American.
And that's why only a class A moron
could try to get away with something like this.
Your Honor! I-I object!
You can't object. Your lawyer has to object.
Save your breath. Overruled.
Now, Mr. Tooley, when did you cite Mr. Collins' facility?
On the fifth, Your Honor.
Now, you didn't inspect the premises
prior to issuing the citation?
No! Well, we didn't have a warrant to enter the premises, so...
So he had no notice of the violations?
Mm, well, we visited Mr. Collins' facility
on a number of occasions...
But he did not have the chance
to rectify any transgressions prior to the fine.
He had plenty of time to comply.
Plenty of time to comply. Thank you, Mr. Tooley.
But... But... Thank you.
Your Honor, if it may please the court,
all these people here have come to support Granddaddy Day Care.
Do you think they all would've come this far
if they didn't really believe in what my son-in-law was doing?
Yeah, he bent a few rules,
but he opened his house to some senior citizens
so that they could have some fun,
enjoy each other's company, and maybe, for a change,
feel valued.
And in the end, Your Honor,
isn't that what we all really want?
You know, none of us are getting any younger.
Now, Mr. Collins, you probably broke a few rules,
but your heart is in the right place.
The $50,000 fine is hereby vacated.
Your Honor...
But, Mr. Collins, I will not let you ignore the regulations.
You have 90 days to bring your facility up to code.
Thank you, Your Honor.
And, Mr. Hernandez?
Yes, Your Honor?
It's good to see you on that side of the courtroom, Eduardo.
Thank you, Bill.
I find for the plaintiff.
You did it, Eduardo. Thank you.
Why don't we cut that "Eduardo" stuff out, okay?
Okay. Eddie?
Ah, why don't we try "Dad"?
Let's try it!
I am so proud of you.
Oh!
There he is!
How dare you take my stepmother out of her nursing home?
And how dare you not abide by your stepmother's wishes?
Who the hell are you? I'm your stepmother's attorney.
And the first thing we're going to do
is contest her late husband's will.
Well, there's no reason to reopen probate.
Yeah, we don't need no lawyer gettin' involved.
Okay, good.
Why don't we ask your mother what her wishes are?
Of course.
Mom, where do you wanna live?
I want to live in my house.
Of course. Whatever you want, Mom.
We just wanna make you happy.
Oh, good, good.
Why don't I draw up some paperwork to make it formal?
Not that I don't trust you...
but I don't.
Let's go.
Good!
Good.
I'm gonna party.
Of course he is.
So, now what?
You heard the judge. We've got work to do.
Hmm.
Five. Yeah. Nice.
Have you ever blown up a full-size van?
No. No. What'd you say?
I said, "No." I work with computers.
Computers, man. What're you sayin'?
No!
Nice turn out. Yeah, huh?
Listen,
I've been thinkin' about what you said before...
about goin' to see a doctor? Mm-hmm.
Why don't we make an appointment for next week?
Okay. Great.
What brought on this change of heart?
Uh... Let's say I just got a lot goin' on,
and I don't wanna miss a thing.
Yeah.
Hi, Jordan.
Hey, Annie. What are you doin' here?
I came with my grandparents.
I heard about your audition.
Sorry.
I didn't really wanna be in the show anyways.
So, why'd you do it?
I thought that if I was in the show,
we'd get to hang out together.
Jordan, you didn't have to audition to hang out with me.
I've wanted to talk to you since I first saw you in physics class.
Really? Really.
Hey, since I never got to see your audition,
could you maybe sing your song for me sometime?
Anytime.
Chip?
Whoa.
Well, now that we have Granddaddy Day Care back up and running,
you can get back to your book.
I don't know about that.
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, maybe Jack Quartermaine has had his day.
Maybe it's time for me to write about somethin' new, you know?
Yeah. Somethin' fresh and...
original.
Boom!
Hold my drink.
Well...
We're trapped!
What are we gonna do?
What else do we do when we come to a dead end?
We bust right through!
Subtitles by explosiveskull