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The No More Lonely People Act
was founded 100 years ago,
in order to bring forward a peaceful world.
It was built on the foundation of love and happiness,
a just and fair medium to find your soulmate.
Since then wars and crime have been down nearly 88%,
proving its effectiveness.
Speaking of effectiveness,
as of today we're operating at a 99.9% accuracy,
nearly perfect, wow.
This system has evolved with technology
from its modest beginnings,
as a letter in the mail to instant access to the NMLP app
available on your mobile devices.
We believe in love, we believe in the system.
This system is just and fair.
one step at a time
we're fighting for
I got too much on my mind
Ladies and gentlemen, Eddie P!
- Oh man, we got a lot to cover,
I guess I'll start from the beginning.
All right, so how many of you guys have girlfriends?
Trick question, we all know that's illegal.
But look at you fine members of our prosperous society,
except for that one guy in the back.
I see you, with my eyes,
what you're doing there with your hand,
put it down.
There's always one at every show.
Let's put it in perspective here.
This lovely system we have,
gives ugly schmucks a fighting chance,
and boy did it work out in my favor.
My wife is a total smoke show,
that's her over there at the bar.
Everyone wave, say hi, embarrass her.
She's way smarter than I am, most of them are.
But I'm the funny one, obviously.
So the other night I was going down on my wife.
She is such a good sport.
I would say, buy her a drink, but we do not need
two drunk Parkers running around this establishment.
So I'm not one for dirty talk, but my wife loves that shit,
like can't get enough of it.
And I mean, like, I'm not good at it,
example, so like, you know, I'm on the job, putting in work,
working up a sweat, and she'll just be like,
"Tell me what you're doing to me."
And just like...
I don't know. I'm fucking you, I guess.
I love my wife, not that I have a choice,
but I really do love my wife.
So I try to participate.
But yeah, so the other night I was going down on my wife,
and for the uninitiated in here
I'll show you what that looks like.
It's like...
More like...
Wait, sorry.
It was just kinda like, you know,
it's in there, it's doing work,
and we're having fun as you do when you have the sex.
And she looks at me and goes,
"I want you to eat it like groceries."
And me, comedian, without missing a beat
just goes, "Yeah? I'll eat it like groceries.
Really slowly, and over a week's worth of time."
Thank you so much, I'm Eddie P.
- Oh man. That joke is so stupid, but I loved it.
Ah, a great set.
It's crazy how much you're blowing up.
- Thank you. I appreciate that, I appreciate you.
But that is all her, that is all her right there.
- Hey, you guys should come to the bar over on 81st.
A few of us are gonna head over.
- You know me, always up for more bar,
but I gotta check with the wife first.
But I'm going to call you, text or call?
Text, text, text.
- Text.
- Yeah. - All right.
Good stuff, brother.
- Yeah.
Wait, you didn't like it?
- Why did you have to tell that joke?
I asked you not to tell that joke,
you have plenty of material.
- What? They ate it up,
and not slowly over weeks a weeks worth of time.
- It's embarrassing.
- What, are we leaving?
- Honey, why couldn't you just hold the fire hydrant story?
It's great- - Fuck the fire hydrant story,
- During the freaking act,
the permit only works during act,
watch your language.
- But my whole life is an act.
- All right, let's just go.
- But, beer.
- Let's go and you can show me how you eat groceries.
- You know, coming from you, not that funny.
- Oh.
Let's go!
- What has it been?
1100 days since the silent treatment began?
Guy's going for a record or something, huh?
Gotta say, I'm impressed by the level of pettiness.
Just wanted to let you know that I get to meet her today,
or I hope.
I know you guys don't...
Look, I just want to say I miss you guys.
Can I help you?
- Did you hear they got a lead on those hunter guys?
So crazy.
- Layla?
- What?
- I gotta brush my teeth, why are you taking so long?
- I just got in.
- Grow up.
- I'm working early.
- Excuse me.
Ugh.
- It's time.
- Hmm, take your time.
- Effort.
- Hmm, effort.
You look exactly the same.
- Hmm.
- No.
- What?
- I'm sorry, sweetie.
Maybe I could get on top for a little bit
and give you a break?
- No, no, no, I'm good. I feel great.
- Yeah. I'm sure you do, but I'd like to try something.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, no. You're doing it again.
- I'm sorry.
Look, I tried.
- No, it's fine. It's not like we've had a lot of practice.
- Hey, if you want, I could...
- Oh no, it's fine.
You just finish off, I'm gonna go shower.
Besides, we told Lois that we'd help her set up.
- Layla.
- You know what I meant.
- Well, hey, Eddie's got this big special coming up
and I figured I could ask him if he could put us on the list
for the taping.
It could be a fun date night, right?
- Yeah. I mean, his humor is not really my kind of...
Yeah, it could be fun.
- All right, about tonight.
- What's tonight?
- So really, we're doing this now?
All right, cool.
Truth be told, I just think it's a better idea
if we lay low this evening, no party.
- Okay. No party, I get it.
I just think it's hilarious how big your ego is, dude.
- I just don't want nothing crazy, I just want a-
- No party, I get it.
No party for your 23rd birthday, it's fine.
- You're not gonna listen to me, are you?
- I don't know what you're talking about.
You're hooked into Radio ,
New York.
A few weeks ago, Eddie P,
announced a live televised standup special.
Now, this is interesting because we're wondering how
he's gonna do with the profanity clause in this country.
He's been skating by in the private clubs
with the profanity permits.
So I'm just curious to see
how this man is gonna pull off a clean set.
Call in, and let us know your thoughts.
1-800-934-6848, that's 1-800-934-6848.
Up next, we got them up...
- Fuck.
- Christ, you scared me!
- Sorry, you didn't pick up the phone
and the back door was open.
- Yeah. Well, if you had actually showed up on time
like I asked you to.
- Sorry, that was my fault.
I couldn't find the right outfit to wear,
you know, first world problems.
- You're April!
- Yeah. - How fun.
- It's nice to finally meet Michael's friends.
Sorry, April Eastman.
- You're gorgeous.
It's just you're so much prettier than in the pictures.
Not that the pictures aren't pretty,
they just, they don't do you justice.
- I will try and take that as a compliment.
Is there anything we can do to help?
- Yeah, I actually have another porch if you wouldn't mind.
- Yeah. - Thanks.
- Bro, what a babe!
- Yeah, she's pretty great.
- I'm surprised she came.
- What do you mean? She's my soulmate of course she came.
- Yeah, but, you know, she never comes.
- What?
- To anything we invite her to.
Dude, what? You've been matched with her for two years
and I'm just meeting her now?
- Yeah, things have been inconvenient.
But, hey, she's here now.
- Yeah. On that note, Robin's coming.
- Robin?
- Yeah.
- The plane was a little delayed.
Hey, there she is!
- You bloody wankers, it's so good to see you.
- Good to see you, Mary. How are ya?
How many shots did you have on the plane?
Not enough. Eddie, you joining in?
- This is why you're my favorite Aussie.
- I'm the only one you know.
- But I probably shouldn't,
'cause you know the men in suits and the Hunter thing
are in our past.
We'll get so fucking drunk later.
I didn't say that, you said that. Shut up.
- So, how many pubs are we hitting today?
Eddie, and freaking open mics,
or aren't you gonna resurrect our old routine?
- Uh, yikes. You probably should clear that with my manager,
but be careful, she can be a real...
- Oh, please finish that sentence.
I'm dying to see where that goes.
- Loving and supportive wife, partner.
What else would I say about you, dear?
- Ugh, disgusting.
Okay, so what are we doing?
- So we're gonna drop your luggage at our house,
and then we're going to get a food.
- One food.
- And then we're going to stop by Angelo's birthday party.
- Birthday party?
- It's Eddie's best friend.
- Yeah, my best friend who didn't get us a wedding gift,
blacklisted, just like my parents.
- Oh God. Come one.
- My parents are dead.
It's not going to have-
- Fun. Okay, this party there, let's bail.
- There's gonna be a ton of alcohol there, Mary.
- Hmm, Angelo deserves to meet me then.
- If you give her alcohol she'll do anything
- That's what they said in college.
- That was healthy.
- Thank you.
- It smelled like apple burritos.
- Well, that doesn't make sense.
- Let me help you with that.
- Thank you so much, I have been standing here
for an embarrassing amount of time.
I'm April.
- Oh God, April Eastman, yes I know, marketing.
- Have we met?
- Oh, not really. I'm Robin Drake.
I'm friends with the birthday boy.
We all kind of grew up together.
- Cool, but...
- Yeah, and I'm an investigative journalist
so I just, I make it a point to know
who all of my friends soulmates are, like you.
- Oh.
- Yeah, frankly, he posted a picture of you on social media.
So there, you have my secret.
- Yeah, he is a bit of an over-sharer.
- Yeah, it's good to hear that he hasn't changed.
- Shall we?
- Yeah, I guess.
- This place is pretty wild, Layla.
- Angelo's new gig has its perks,
and I don't have to commute as much,
and he doesn't even make me pay for rent, like a true bro.
I literally just chip in for utilities.
- What a life!
Okay, so we're out there working
and you guys are in here drinking?
- Hi! - Hi!
- Look at this outfit, huh, killer!
- Just the perks of the job, babe, you know.
- Hey, friendo.
- Hey, tiger.
So tell me about your job.
- Here you go. - Thanks.
- You know, honestly it just takes a really special
kind of person to do it.
- Yeah , I love that.
- So, where's the birthday boy?
- He is at work. He should be home soon.
- Oh, I'm sorry guys.
I have to take this.
- He didn't take off?
- No, it's kind of a surprise.
- No. - That sounds fun.
- No, this is bad.
- He doesn't welcome them.
- What's up beautiful expletives.
So are you ready to make some poor life choices?
Bro, let me clap them cheeks. - Hi!
Bro, you will get schooled, let me see that ass.
- Hi, dude.
- Glad to see that he already has the right idea, so...
Oh, this is my cousin, Mary, she's visiting from Australia.
- Hi, welcome. The more the merrier.
- Merrier 'cause...
- Yeah, it's Mary.
Cheers.
- Jello shots, anyone?
- Let's hold off on that.
Angelo loves them, so let's wait for him.
- I don't think he's gonna be in the mood for shots
'cause, surprise party, right?
- Yeah.
- No, he don't like that.
- Ugh, he'll be fine.
- He don't like it.
- I know he doesn't...
Oh my gosh, both of you.
- He really doesn't like it. - He doesn't like it
- Remember 1997.
I know what he likes and what he doesn't like.
- Halloween 1997, he didn't like it.
It's gonna be fine.
Let's not put this negativity out there.
- You said, boo, to him and he didn't like that.
1997 Halloween, do you remember?
There was a lot of blood that night.
- And not fake blood.
- Okay, it's gonna be fine, he'll love it.
We're gonna wait for him to take the jello shots.
- Okay. But I get to turn on the light.
Fine.
- It's my dream to turn on the light for a surprise party.
- Come on, Layla.
Hey, I wanted to wish you a happy birthday,
and ask you to stop calling until you decide to apologize.
I don't have much time.
I thought I read you better.
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message.
- Wow.
No you shh. Am I doing the lights?
It's fine, just please shh.
I will end you.
Be quiet, he's coming in.
Shh.
He's coming.
- Surprise!
- Oh wow. I need a shower, but I need shots ASAP.
- Yeah, birthday boy!
- That went well.
- Wait, who are you?
Eddie.
- She's been here the whole time?
- Yes, baby.
- I am so sorry.
Like you can see her, right?
Yes, she there.
- Hi. I'm Layla. Welcome to America.
How was your flight?
- What's all this?
You're touched in the head of something?
What language do you think Australians speak, babe?
You're taking the piss off this one, hey.
- I thought she said Austria.
- Right. Well, you can make it up to me
by taking this shot with me, It's called, to kill ya.
It's a rubbish name, but strangely appropriate.
- What's in it?
- Trust me, love, you don't wanna know.
- Ugh, Christ!
- We speak English, mate.
- Hey, baby.
I think you have enough product in your hair.
Like if you were one of those rebels in Alaska
all those years ago, they would have found your charred body
and your perfect hair.
Tough room, bro.
- Sorry man. It's just...
Dude, you're actually here, man.
- You think I would miss this?
- The famous Eddie Parker coming to my surprise party
that I totally asked for.
- Yeah, you're right. I am a big deal now.
You think I'd miss your party, man?
Cheryl, on the other hand
I had to convince her to go home last night,
not stay out drinking, just to be here.
- Actually that doesn't sound like her, but...
- Hey, happy birthday, buddy.
Let's get down to the party?
- All right. Just let me finish.
- No, no, you look fine.
Come on, let's go.
Hey, it looks good. Let's go.
- Lucky guy. I got a little...
Yeah, that'll do.
- She's not gonna bite.
- Oh my God, don't do that.
- Just go talk to her.
She's like the nicest person on the planet,
unless Eddie's doing a bit.
- I don't think you understand who she is,
she's like a rock star in my field.
- Cheryl, are you a rock star?
- No, not in this lifetime.
It's good to meet you.
I'm so sorry, what's your name again?
- April Eastman, we actually work in the same building.
- Eastman, I have seen that name before.
You work in Denver's Department, don't you?
- Yeah, I do. Crystal is my supervisor.
- Oh my God, I've been meaning to catch up with her.
She just matched with someone, didn't she?
- Yeah, she did.
- That's awesome. I am so happy for her.
- Could you guys excuse me for a sec?
- Yeah - Okay.
- Oh my God.
- Yeah. She seems pretty happy.
- So great, it's about time for her.
- I know.
- I know it happened a little later than usual.
- Yeah, which is always a little...
- Yeah, a little nerveracking, but that's fantastic.
- Yeah.
- Oh my God, good to hear.
- Hey tiger.
- Robin.
- You look good.
- I'm very happy with her.
- I like her. I mean, she's smart, pretty,
everything that you'd be in to on paper.
- What's your play here?
- Why does everything have to be a game?
- I was just about to ask you the same thing.
- Enjoy the party.
- If I can have your attention, please.
It's time for flip cup.
- No, no, no, Eddie.
Come on, you know that makes me a huge mess to clean up.
- Who cares? It's my birthday party.
- Well, it's fine.
- I'll help you clean it up.
- Aw, you're the best.
That's what she says after sex.
- Wow!
- Go! Go! Go!
- Do you really think that in all the multi-verse
that we're the only planet that has intelligent life?
- Multi-verse, what are you talking about?
- You mean to tell me
that you haven't heard of the multi-verse theory?
- Please Eddie, regale us with your tale
of the multi-verse theory.
- It is not a tale, but it will blow your mind.
- Has he lost his mind?
- There are infinite universes,
and in those infinite universes there are infinite earths.
So I think of this, this is the proper 6I6 universe,
but there are other earths,
and on one earth it'll be zombies,
or there's another earth where it's the 17th century
and the world is still lit by gas lamps,
or, or, or, or,
or what if there's a universe where I'm a mailman
named David who wears glasses,
or we could be all a figment
of a bald, Dominican man's imagination.
- Dang Eddie, that's deep.
- Crazy thing, this handsome fella is actually right.
That being said, baby, ease up on the drinks.
You should at least be coherent for the birthday cake.
- Where's this birthday cake?
- Speaking of drinks, what do we got going on here?
It's fucking stale.
- Language? And it's seltzer water,
somebody's gonna drive home tonight.
- We do have more than enough space if you wanna hang
and get wasted with us.
- I appreciate that, but I can't do the drinking
like I used to do.
I'll pass on the hangover.
- So weak.
- Whoa.
Do you need a hand with that?
- It would be helpful.
- Yeah.
- I'm trying to get to all of this
before I'm either way too gone or hangover.
- Sound logic.
- Oh, what's up? How are you?
You just got promoted at The Times, right?
- Yeah, I did. It's investigative journalist.
I get shipped out to Alaska,
or whatever is left of it, in August.
- Sounds dangerous.
- It is, I know, ugh.
I live for that stuff though.
- Someone's gotta do it.
- Yeah. Anyway, and about you,
I mean, you haven't like been matched yet, huh?
- It's fine.
- Hm-hmm.
- You know, the system is fair and just
so my time will come.
- Hm-hmm.
- Uh, you?
- I never really cared about that,
and neither should you.
- I have brought peace, justice and security to my...
We gotta turn it, man.
- So how long have you and Eddie been together?
About five years now.
Wow.
- Yeah.
- No offense, but you seem really...
- Quiet?
- Yeah.
In comparison, yeah.
Eddie is the love of my life.
I mean, it's also hard to juggle when your best client
is also your husband.
- And he does that.
- Yes. It's part of his charm.
Speaking of charming,
you and Michael just moved in together, right?
- Yeah.
Oh my God, he's such a sweetheart.
- Yeah, it's a bit of an adjustment period, you know?
It's like, this is who I'm going to be with
for the rest of my life, and that's a lot to take in.
Yeah.
You must be at the two year mark, right?
- Yeah, why?
- Believe it or not,
that's when everything kind of starts to settle in.
I mean, like for the first month
Eddie and I didn't say anything, nothing.
Like we would just sit there in silence,
I didn't know what to say.
And then one day he just turns to me and he goes,
"You wanna go mini golf?
Mini golf?
- Yeah. Well, it was the only thing he knew about me,
I mean, that I liked to do, rather than my job
and my schooling.
He made the effort to get to know the person
he was gonna spend the rest of his life with.
- I mean, I know Michael, he's-
- And I'm not saying you don't.
All I'm saying is that sometimes
it's not the most logical situations
that make things feel normal.
- The way I see it is,
if you're gonna be stuck with someone the rest of your life,
you might as well make them your best friend,
who you're allowed to touch naughty parts with.
Am I right?
Oh yeah, Robin said she wanted everyone
to meet in the living room.
- All right.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Bad.
Oh, I'm sober.
Fine, stay boring.
We met when we were five.
I just remembered-
- Ladies and gents, let's cheers to the birthday boy.
- Cheers, my dear. - Cheers.
- Let's play a fun and totally not friendship ending game.
I mean, what? We've all known each other
since grade school, right?
But we do have a few new faces here,
so I think it's about time
that we have a little bit of a refresher, what do you think?
- I'm digging the theatrics, my guy.
- Than you, homey.
Let's play a game of, never have I ever.
- No, no. Last time we played that
it got us all and way too much trouble, not happening.
- Hey, screw it. Let's do it.
- I'm game. And seeing as how I'm the birthday boy,
I'll go first.
Never have I ever been awake for more than two days.
Really?
- It was the cocaine days, mistakes were made.
- Uh,
Never have I ever, kissed anyone?
- Oh, come on.
- That's low.
- Robin? Always the rebel.
- What can I say? I'm an anarchist.
Your turn, Mickey.
- Never have I ever left the country.
- Ugh.
That's piss poor vanilla grade, mate.
All right, my turn. Never have I ever
set my hair eyebrows or eyelashes on fire.
- That's oddly specific.
- I share one drunk story with you.
- My turn.
And let's just make things a little bit more spicy.
Never have I ever fucked somebody before being matched.
- You always take things too far.
- What?
Guys, I was kidding, it was a joke.
I need more drinks.
- I loved it.
- Thank you.
- Michael, what was that?
- Robin and I have a complicated past,
we're not exactly the best of friends these days.
- Okay?
- I had sex with someone before you, before we matched.
I was in high school, and I...
- Oh.
- I'm not proud of it, but I did it.
And Robin knows and she likes to hold it over me,
and I'm sorry I lost my cool.
- It's okay. Thanks for being honest with me.
- I'm really sorry I never told you.
- It's not really something
that you should be vocal in public about.
I mean, if the wrong people heard that.
Let's just go back and join the others.
So you guys did it?
- Don't you think you've had enough?
- Nope.
- Look, I'm sorry that I threw you a surprise party.
I just wanted to do something nice for you,
on your soul day.
- This is not about the party, Layla.
This is great, all right?
Not everything is about you.
Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic voice message.
- I'm not gonna lie, mate. It's a tad bit creepy.
It's got a bit of a super villainy thing going on,
I'm not really here for it.
- Who are you again?
- I came with Eddie and Cheryl,
I'm her third cousin or something.
We don't really talk about it.
- Right. Well, I'm gonna be super villainy here by myself.
So you can...
- You're sure? It's kind of boring.
Or you just drink a bunch, it helps with whatever
this real problem you've got going on is.
Not really heaps keen on talking it out either.
- Yeah.
- Nice talk.
- Hey.
It's almost midnight, we should probably get going.
I doubt Angelo wants anybody here for the matching process.
- Isn't that the entire purpose of the party?
- I guess so, but we've got kind of a long ride,
so let's go.
- It's less than an hour, it's not that long of a ride.
- Okay Eddie, can we just go?
- What's with you lately?
You've been super boring all night.
It's like, Cheryl, the Duchess of H20.
Would you like some water with your biscuits?
- Okay Eddie, can you just like turn it off for a second?
'Cause I'm trying to have a serious conversation
with you right now.
- You know what a big turnoff is?
Is this whole sobriety thing you've been on,
the last month and a half.
- Excuse me?
- You wanted to talk, right? My lady.
- But when you're a slobbering mess everywhere we go
someone needs to make sure you get home, Mr. Parker.
- If you wanna go, go. I wanna stay.
I can call a cab, God knows I have the money.
Now if you'll excuse me, my lady, the people wish
for the jester to do his magical drinking trick.
- Hey, are you okay?
- I've been better.
- Do you wanna talk about it?
- Sophomore year, Monday before spring break.
- Eddie, no!
- Wait, what about sophomore year?
- Let's see if I still got it.
- Still got what?
- Come on, come on.
What the crap is going on?
- Where is he going?
- I don't know, something about sophomore year,
and I still got it.
It's all very confusing.
- He's never attempted it at this level of drunk.
- Attempted what?
.
- Anyone? Can no one answer a question?
- Hey bud, do you think this is a good idea?
- I'm not changing my mind.
- All right.
I'd like to do that.
Pour them out, pour 'em out.
All right.
Wait, what's all this then?
- I'm gonna do all these shots with my mouth hole.
At one time?
So, this is healthy.
- It's this stupid drinking stunt
Eddie used to pull in college.
He thinks everyone wants it
but we're all really concerned with his drinking problem.
So he's just taking shots?
- He's just taking shots.
- Hey, I'm empty.
Do you wanna maybe get another one?
- Yeah, if you've seen Eddie do this once,
you've seen it a million times.
Yes, savage, mate. Yes!
Four more, Eddie. Four more.
- Get it, get it, yes!
That's out kitchen table.
- Get it, one more. You're my hero!
I am your God now.
- So, new friend.
- I don't know why I am so surprised.
It's Eddie, I should just expect this from him.
- He's just a little drunk.
I'm sure he'll apologize in the morning.
And then you can hold it over his head for months.
- Thanks.
I mean, I love Eddie,
but the things that people love about Eddie,
his humor, his high energy,
they don't get that it's 24/7 and it never stops.
That's who he is, it doesn't turn off,
and sometimes it is just exhausting.
Sometimes I would love to have a conversation
with my husband without everything having to be a joke.
I'm sorry, this is a lot.
We don't know each other that well.
- No, no, no, don't think that.
It's fine, I'm here.
- I appreciate that.
Marriage is good, the system is good.
It's just we're people, people aren't always good.
We are- - Flawed.
Yeah, I get that.
I'm starting to realize that this whole match thing
takes a lot of work.
- Aint that the truth.
- If we're being completely transparent, Michael's great,
and he treats me really well.
It's just when we...
There are just some aspects of the relationship
that have been stale.
- Wait, I'm with April.
- But you're with me now.
- Woo! Yeah.
- It's my turn now.
- Hey bud, whoa.
How about you have a seat, bud?
- Is that any way to speak to your Lord and Lord?
- Well, how about...
Will the Lord appreciate a seat
and a couple of hundred glasses of water?
- The Lord would really like some water.
- Yes.
- For the Lord is thirsty.
- Thank you.
- So, round three? Four, two?
- Hey, Lord of the blow flies.
- I think I'm just gonna chill down here for a minute.
- Okay. Good night, have fun.
- So, is this is your first time in the States?
- Oh, so you do speak?
- Yes. I speak.
Sorry about earlier, I had a day and a half.
- Whatever, it's all good. And no, it's my second.
Usually they just come visit me
but Cheryl didn't wanna miss your birthday, the big 23.
- Yeah. Well, maybe you'll understand
when you get to your 23rd.
- I'm 24, mate.
- Oh.
- It's okay though.
The whole system is rooted anyway.
- What?
- Yeah, it's tired, it's old.
It doesn't work half as well as everyone says it does.
- Wait. You really think that?
- Oh no, don't tell me you're one of those blokes
that actually puts all their trust in the system.
- Well, what's not to trust?
- Something that takes away free will
is not a good thing to place trust in.
- All right, so we're doing this.
Okay, but the system is good and look at the-
- Good?
Because illegals are such a great concept to add
to our prosperous society?
There are people out there who are being treated
like second class citizens because their parents
conceived them outside the system, and treated like dog crap
because their parents had the audacity
to love someone of their choice.
- Okay. I'm loving this argument
but it has nothing to do with the system.
Because everything you just said is because of human flaw
and not because of the system.
- Mate, who made the system?
Who wrote the algorithm that tells us
who we're gonna be chained to for the rest of our lives?
It's humans, it's people.
For every Eddie and Cheryl out there
there's a crap ton of them that don't actually click.
I rest my bloody case, mate.
You got this buddy, I believe in you.
- What's that?
- It's a cigarette.
- Well, I know what that is,
but what's in the flask?
- Tequila.
- Straight tequila?
- Yeah, boy!
- I can't stand the taste
of straight tequila, or cigarettes.
How you're doing both is beyond me.
- Well, I wouldn't have to
if they made tequila flavored cigarettes but...
Do you actually like the taste?
- I like that it tastes bad.
Cheers.
- One hour to go.
One hour.
- What's so funny? I know it wasn't bad.
- The sex? No, I've had worse.
Definitely had better.
- Then what is it?
- What did you really think was gonna happen after this?
- Were you filming us?
- I'll get to that in a minute. Answer me first.
- I think my question is more pressing, Robin.
- Well that's the problem, you don't think,
because you are an inconsiderate asshole.
- Whoa, language.
- Because language is the worst thing
that we've done tonight.
- Okay, let's slow down. Why did you film us?
- To make a fucking point, okay?
The system, it doesn't work.
If April was really your soulmate
then you wouldn't have fucked me behind her back.
- Why are you doing this?
- You loved me.
You loved me today, and in eighth grade, and college,
but not the day of your 23rd birthday,
you just stopped talking to me.
- What did you expect me to do? I got matched.
- Stop.
Stop, you are done.
If the system was really just,
then you wouldn't even be thinking about me, okay?
You would just be so fucking obsessed with April,
but no, you didn't care about whether or not
she would catch us tonight, if anyone would catch us.
And that is actually the best part.
- Don't do this.
- Since college, I never really cared
for any of you systems slaves.
I never liked any of you.
Especially you, you were just the easiest to manipulate.
- I don't believe that.
- I'm printing this, and you have a choice;
You can either tell your soulmate now,
or wait for it to go to print.
Either way she is gonna find out.
You know, they say that revenge isn't satisfying.
They're wrong.
- Hey, have you seen Cheryl? It's almost mid...
What's wrong? What happened?
- Bad sex.
- Oh God, this is TMI.
- You're already past that point, sweetie.
- I don't know if it's supposed to be like...
Like maybe we're doing it wrong.
I just, I hear from match people all the time
that it's so great, and it's...
Maybe it's just something that's not for me.
- I mean, it's pretty fricking great.
Oh no, no, no, no, no,
there's nothing wrong with you two.
Honey, God, what?
You think the first time Eddie and I were intimate
that things were fantastic?
Because they were not, they were far from it.
Okay. So at one point he was going down on me
and I was told that you should try dirty talk.
And I said something really stupid.
- You told him to eat it like groceries, and he said-
- Slowly over a week's time, yes.
- That really happened?
- Everything Eddie says on stage is true.
I mean, some of it's a little exaggerated
but he never makes anything up.
- And you're okay with that.
- It took me a while.
I mean, I tried running bits with him that were just bits
but he never really wanted to do them.
He said that comedy should be honest
and that people laugh at him
because they see themselves in his stories.
To take away that truth would be to take away his identity.
- Eddie said that?
- Not as eloquently.
I mean, marriage is work.
You are always going to be working on your marriage.
It's good work, it's pure work.
And as frustrated as I get...
I mean, Eddie can be so immature.
There are just some things
that I don't think he's ready for.
- Like what?
- Just some things
that require a little more responsibility.
I just...
- You know this was exactly what I was worried about.
Well, not exactly, because I didn't think
that I could have ever imagined this.
You know this is all sorts of messed up, Michael.
Seriously, this is bad.
Oh my God. Did she have more than one camera set up?
Did she plant a bunch of cameras all around the house
just to see if I curse when I'm alone?
It was just a one-time honestly,
and I stubbed my toe going up the stairs, no seriously.
Oh my gosh, she can't use that,
because she illegally acquired it without my consent.
She can't, right? She won't, right?
- There was only one camera.
- Okay.
- Now what am I supposed to do?
- You have to tell April.
- I can't tell her.
I can't tell her, it would ruin my life.
- You have to tell her, she's going to find out.
You have to tell her before she finds out.
- I can't tell her.
- Tell me what?
- Do you see TV at all,
like what do you think is in Australia?
- Hey, could you excuse us for a second?
- Yeah, sure.
- Hey. - Hey.
- Just a heads up, there's some stuff going on
with Mike down there,
so I think it's best to stay out of the kitchen.
- Is everything okay?
- I hope so. But only 30 minutes for your soul day.
- Yeah. I'm sorry about earlier.
My parents cut me off for good
because I believe in the system.
- I had no idea.
- Yeah. I know you didn't, and it was really rude of me,
so I'm sorry.
But I'm happy everyone I care about is here.
And Eddie came, so whatever happens, who cares?
- Yeah.
Less than 30 minutes.
Hey, do you think that maybe...
Do you think that maybe the reason I haven't matched yet
is because...
You know what? it's stupid. Never mind.
- Nothing's stupid, what's up? Tell me.
- Do you think that maybe the reason I haven't matched yet
is because maybe I'm gonna be matched tonight?
- Yeah, it's a possibility, you know?
Every day after your 23rd is a possibility, right?
People have birthdays every day, all over the world.
Actually, it would be pretty cool
if we matched on the same day, right?
- Yeah. Totally.
- Cool.
- That's not what I meant.
- Hats off, Mary.
- Eddie hasn't been this hammered since college.
Cheryl is gonna be pissed.
- Angelo, I'm trying to tell you something.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
What's up? Come on.
- Oh god. Okay, here we go.
Angelo, I love you.
- Oh, I love you too, homie.
I'm really glad to have you as a part of my life.
- No, no, no, you dense mother...
I love you more than that.
Hey man!
- Eddie.
- It's gonna be your birthday soon.
- Eddie, can you give us a moment, bro?
- Shh, let me speak.
You're my best friend, do you know that?
Do you know you're my best friend?
- Yeah.
- And I love you, man.
But not in like a romantic way, 'cause that'd be weird.
Am I right, buddy?
- Okay. Yeah.
We're talking, so...
Can someone get Cheryl, please? Hello, Cheryl!
- Shh. Why you gotta poop on the party?
Shh. - Eddie.
Eddie, come on.
- I guess every party that's why we invite...
I'm good.
Every party needs a...
Eddie.
- Shh. Stop it, I'm good.
- Okay.
- Every party needs a...
- Eddie! Ugh, on the floor?
- Oh Eddie, I shouldn't have let him have my tequila.
You all right there, mate?
Holy mother of God.
- Oh my. I'll go get Cheryl.
- Oh Jeez. Oh, I can't stop staring.
Yikes, dude.
- You all right, bud?
Just let it out.
You'll be okay.
- Wait, Layla!
I'm gonna be sleeping on the couch for a week.
- I know that. What the hell did you eat?
You're sorry?
Yes, I'm sorry about all this.
What am I supposed to do with, I'm sorry?
I don't know what you're supposed to do.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
This isn't about you!
It's not about me?
- All you can think about is yourself.
I have no idea they're about to do to me.
You'll be fine!
What are they gonna do to me!
I'll be fine?
You haven't thought about how much this hurts me?
Are you okay?
- Depends on if the footage is useful.
- It is.
- Then I'm fucking peaches.
- So Hunter will leak the video in the morning,
and we'll blur your face off for privacy.
A matched man fucking his ex on camera.
Perfect. You are a real bitch for doing this.
- Yeah, you're one to talk.
- Do you want us to blur out Michael's face too?
- No, fuck him. Let him burn.
- How's that sophomore year thing working out for you, mate?
- Oh my God, Mary, shut up and let me be miserable in peace.
- Never!
- I hate you.
- You love me.
- Really, Mary, again?
- Listen, birds gotta fly.
Give me those, they look better on me.
- Why is the light so loud?
- How are you feeling?
That bad, huh?
- Hmm-hmm.
Okay. I deserve that.
- Yeah, you did.
Aw Eddie, my sweet dimwit.
- I'm sorry. I know I really blew it tonight,
and I know that I can maybe be a little bit childish.
- What, you? No, I hadn't noticed.
- I can do better.
- Well, we need you to.
We're gonna have people counting on us.
- I know, the special. I'm gonna-
- I'm not talking about the special.
- Wait, are you?
That means we're gonna-
- Yeah.
- When did you find out?
- Like a month and a half ago.
- And you waited this long to tell me?
- I mean, we hadn't ever really talked about having kids,
so I didn't wanna...
- This life, our life, we're a team,
and I won't leave no matter what.
We need to tell everybody.
- Whoa, Eddie.
Time and place, it's Angelo's night.
- You're right, I got over excited.
You're gonna be a mom.
No, you're going to be a MILF.
You couldn't help yourself, could you?
Congratulations, Angelo, it's your soul day.
Please stand by while we process your results.
- Here we go.
- 10, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.
- Oh bloody hell.
Congratulations, Martha.
Your soulmate has been found.
- Her name's Martha?
- Wait, what's going on?
Please go to the app to view your results.
- You?
- Me.
This is great, buddy.
You're gonna be family for real now, right?
It's gonna be great, we get to roll,
we to hang out all the time, go on occasions, right?
It's going to be...
It's not gonna be great, is it?
- Wow.
- What a mighty turn of events this was.
Congratulations?
- I guess I'm moving to America.
- I guess you're gonna be married.
- We're gonna be parents.
Time and place. - What?
a thought on his mind
the feeling ain't right
that ain't paved yet
like a wish and a had
like the future or past
- She probably needs time, mate.
- You and I should probably have a talk.
- All right, so how many of you guys have girlfriends?
Trick question.
Look at you, members of our prosperous society.
Except for that one guy in the back,
I see that hand, put it down.
Who let him in? Every night, man, every show.
We all know that's against the law,
but let's put it in perspective.
This gracious system gives ugly schmucks
a fighting chance to score a 10,
and boy did it work out in my favor.
I haven't told the usual jokes about my wife.
Comedy, much like life, it grows with us,
the stories we tell.
I can tell some of you are expecting
more size splitting laughter but...
Are you having a good time tonight?
I'm glad you don't think I sold out.
I'm really excited to be a dad,
like, almost way too excited, man.
The party, my buddy's birthday, changed my life,
changed a lot of people's lives as you heard about tonight.
God, I love my wife so much.
And thinking about the amazing journey it's going to be
to be a dad...
I hope I have a daughter.
Like I wanna dress up like the dark night,
and just angrily questioned her soulmate
when she brings him home.
Like, "Where are you taking her?"
Father-in-law.
Next week we're going to my buddy's wedding.
I promised Angela I wouldn't name drop him
during the taping, but I really can't wait
to make a fool out of myself.
So my other friend, Layla, hasn't gotten matched yet.
She moved out a few days after the party,
while Angelo was at work, she did...
The kids have a phrase for it, she babcocked him,
and we haven't seen her since.
- Hey stranger, let's be friends.
- We found her car a few weeks later abandoned.
I know you came here to laugh,
so why have I told you this story
for the last hour and a half?
Well, 'cause life isn't just laughter,
it's love, it's tears, it's joy.
We need to keep laughing even in the bad times.
Don't get me wrong, I worry about my friend, but if I worry,
sit here and cry, it's gonna spiral.
I'm not gonna feel any better, but laughter,
that's what gets me through it.
- Mrs Parker, the theater owner was wondering
if you and Mr. Parker were free for a drink afterwards.
- Oh, well.
- Oh my god, I didn't know.
- No worries, we would love to get a club soda
with the owner afterwards.
- Okay, great.
When are you due?
- Shh. This is the best part.
- And we created the system.
But if you take those little imperfections,
and if you're open to it,
it makes all the love in the world possible.
My name is Eddie P, thank you so much
for coming to my special,
keep laughing, keep loving, goodnight.
What are you doing?
I made this.
This is my best friend, Angelo,
he said not to namedrop him during the special
but that's him.
underneath our feet
chest as you watch me bleed
- Welcome back to your listeners, to...
We're gonna take a side note off of all this
depressing stuff that's been going on lately.
We've got something a little more fun.
Anyway, joining me in the studio today
are two people who need no introduction,
but we're gonna give them one anyway.
He's an Award-winning standup comedian, new dad.
His 90 minutes special "Tequila Flavored Cigarettes"
drops on home release and VOD this week, Eddie P.
And the brains behind the whole operation,
she's a mother, an author,
her new book, "Behind Every Dimwit, Mother, Manager, Wife",
just became a bestseller, the incomparable, Cheryl P.
- Thank you.
- So what is up, you guys? You have had a hell of a year.
You just got a kid, I mean, the book, tours,
you guys have been busy.
So how's parenthood?
- Do we have the permit for the show?
Oh, yeah.
- Really intense shit, actually.
Like no, like literal shit,
that girl, our baby girl, she shits like a champ.
- Yeah, we are so tired.
- She's more tired, 'cause you know she does everything.
- Cold, hard facts.
- Everyone who knows us knows
that she does all the heavy lifting in this relationship.
- Oh yeah. I mean, speaking of lifting,
Eddie, you're looking swole.
- Thank you.
I don't know how many people know
but before we shot the special,
a few weeks before we shot the special,
I just quit drinking.
So my instinct was to eat a lot of food,
so I went to the gym instead.
- There you go.
And I got to ask about Angelo and Mary, how are they doing?
- Well, they just went on their honeymoon.
They're kind of just settling in, in Angelo's place now.
- Oh, they gon' have kids.
- I hope not.
What did you guys do on your honeymoon?
What'd you get up to?
- Oh God. Do you wanna?
- Well, I mean, as you guys know, when we first matched
I wooed her with mini golf and then we got married.
- Yeah. Well, we went to this tropical resort.
It was absolutely gorgeous, like, spa white, sandy beaches,
a pool, stunning.
- We fucked that place up.
- Yeah, we did.
- Oh my God. We terrorized that place.
The guests, we were...
They will never have us back.
What did you do?
- There was this beautiful mosaic pool,
it was like all tiles, and like shiny and gorgeous.
We floated two giant, fake, chunky poops in there
and just swam around like nothing was happening.
- We were walking to the hot tub one night
and this waiter had a lobster platter
and I just took the lobster off of it,
and we got in the hot tub.
And so we're sitting there and I just posed the lobster
in the hot tub like he was just chilling,
and then we got up and just left him there.
- Oh. And then the beach.
We went to this beach, took off all of our clothes,
completely naked and it's not a nude beach.
- And then we went to the nude beach and wore parkas.
Oh yes.
- We're great parents, by the way.
- Yeah.
.
- No, Mary's in there with her.
- Hold on. So I gotta ask, what does Mary do?
- She does video co...
Apparently Mary is not in there,
so we should probably figure that out.
Let's take a break and we'll figure it out.
Okay. Yeah, thank you.
- Thank you so much for having us.
Thanks for coming on.
That reminds me guys, smash that like and subscribe button,
and make love to the notifications.
the light, the light
the fright, the fright
- Here, let me help you with that.
- Oh shit!
- Lets cut that.
- Hey.
- This place is pretty wild, Layla.
Scene 19.
Scene five, action.
- This place is pretty wild, Layla.
Take two.
- What's her name?
- April.
- What is mine?
- That's not gonna work.
The house is making noises.
- We've got the fucking closet from "The Conjuring"
opening right now.
Hey, we should...
It's okay, take it back.
- Fuck!
I don't know how to do it.
I have to use my other hand to open the door.
- Oh, I like that.