1 00:00:04,132 --> 00:00:09,132 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com 2 00:00:10,391 --> 00:00:13,695 I just don't understand the world any more. 3 00:00:14,391 --> 00:00:16,394 It all made sense up until a few years back. 4 00:00:16,395 --> 00:00:18,410 The left was the left, the right was the right. 5 00:00:18,546 --> 00:00:20,226 America was America. 6 00:00:20,323 --> 00:00:22,346 - Who's she? - I couldn't even point to Syria... 7 00:00:22,387 --> 00:00:23,587 - Some woman... - ... on a map. 8 00:00:23,847 --> 00:00:26,261 I just kissed the kids goodnight, turned out the lights, 9 00:00:26,286 --> 00:00:27,714 looked forward to waking up the next day. 10 00:00:27,738 --> 00:00:29,567 I dread it now, every day. 11 00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:31,043 - Dread. - I like her. 12 00:00:31,754 --> 00:00:33,114 That man there, at the back. 13 00:00:33,139 --> 00:00:34,543 - Night then, sweetheart. - Night. 14 00:00:35,433 --> 00:00:38,136 Milk's not good for you, darling. It's just mucus. 15 00:00:38,871 --> 00:00:39,996 Don't have a go at her. 16 00:00:40,277 --> 00:00:41,964 No, I should do it more often. 17 00:00:43,207 --> 00:00:44,747 Signor, who's Vivienne Rook? 18 00:00:44,855 --> 00:00:46,324 Vivienne Alison Rook, 19 00:00:46,349 --> 00:00:48,885 born 1964 in Manchester. 20 00:00:48,910 --> 00:00:51,582 Founding member of the JJC Think Tank. 21 00:00:51,949 --> 00:00:53,464 That woman there, in the blue. 22 00:00:53,703 --> 00:00:57,300 What would you say to a Palestinian family on the Gaza Strip, 23 00:00:57,386 --> 00:01:00,433 when Israel has reduced the electricity supply 24 00:01:00,458 --> 00:01:01,629 to two hours a day? 25 00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,293 - Two hours!? - Yeah, I know. 26 00:01:05,245 --> 00:01:08,859 I know, but I suppose when it comes to Israel and Palestine... 27 00:01:10,732 --> 00:01:11,960 ... I don't give a fuck. 28 00:01:13,472 --> 00:01:15,340 Oh, my God. 29 00:01:15,365 --> 00:01:16,408 What did she just say? 30 00:01:16,765 --> 00:01:19,425 - Well, now I like her even more. - She can't say that! 31 00:01:19,736 --> 00:01:21,715 Go on, say it again! Who is she?! 32 00:01:24,712 --> 00:01:25,972 Stephen's watching. 33 00:01:27,557 --> 00:01:28,573 Danny's seen it. 34 00:01:29,296 --> 00:01:30,844 I bet he's written a letter of complaint. 35 00:01:30,868 --> 00:01:32,751 Look, number one trending topic "Viv Rook". 36 00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:35,048 In, what, under 20 seconds? 37 00:01:35,386 --> 00:01:38,141 I have to apologise to the people at home. 38 00:01:38,534 --> 00:01:40,048 You really can't say that. 39 00:01:40,073 --> 00:01:41,860 But I mean it, I mean it. 40 00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:44,625 Kiev, Yemen, Qatar. 41 00:01:44,704 --> 00:01:47,797 I simply do not give a... 42 00:01:47,822 --> 00:01:50,680 No, no, no, no. If you say that again, I'll have to exclude you. 43 00:01:50,705 --> 00:01:51,708 Well, that's the point, isn't it? 44 00:01:51,732 --> 00:01:53,292 We're not allowed to say anything true. 45 00:01:53,570 --> 00:01:55,008 I have had enough. 46 00:01:55,032 --> 00:01:56,172 I have literally had enough. 47 00:01:56,197 --> 00:01:58,944 Lucy's watching, and Javindra. Nell. Lynne. 48 00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:01,447 - Viv Rook for Strictly! - Mm. 49 00:02:02,609 --> 00:02:04,165 Just headlines shouting at me. 50 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:09,392 And all I want is for my bins to be collected once a week, you know? 51 00:02:09,636 --> 00:02:10,994 I, I want... 52 00:02:11,018 --> 00:02:13,290 I want the primary school 200 yards from my house 53 00:02:13,315 --> 00:02:15,798 to pick up its own litter and, for the love of God, 54 00:02:16,199 --> 00:02:17,751 my mother walks with a stick, 55 00:02:17,878 --> 00:02:20,712 could people please just stop parking on the pavements? 56 00:02:21,189 --> 00:02:22,720 Could you just stop it?! 57 00:02:23,642 --> 00:02:27,023 So, ask me about Israel, ask me about Palestine, 58 00:02:27,048 --> 00:02:30,970 ask me and I will tell you I do not give a... 59 00:02:33,559 --> 00:02:34,793 ... monkeys. 60 00:02:36,449 --> 00:02:37,917 But I have got you listening now, haven't I? 61 00:02:38,966 --> 00:02:41,448 - Oh, my God, she is a monster. - I think she's brilliant. 62 00:02:45,238 --> 00:02:47,628 - Hello. Hello, are you all right? - Hiya. It's me. 63 00:02:47,653 --> 00:02:49,453 Look, don't make a fuss, but can you take Lee? 64 00:02:49,925 --> 00:02:52,121 Just get him to bed and give him some toast for breakfast, 65 00:02:52,145 --> 00:02:54,519 he'll be fine. I'm on my way to the hospital. 66 00:02:54,544 --> 00:02:56,847 - I started, I'm early. - Er, right. 67 00:02:57,187 --> 00:02:58,995 Yeah, but what about Jan? 68 00:02:59,605 --> 00:03:00,805 I thought she was helping you. 69 00:03:00,901 --> 00:03:03,947 She was according to the birth plan, but that's for next Monday, 70 00:03:04,237 --> 00:03:05,386 she's in London tonight. 71 00:03:05,411 --> 00:03:07,253 And Runi's had a drink so she's useless. 72 00:03:07,278 --> 00:03:08,644 We're on our way to Salford City, 73 00:03:08,669 --> 00:03:11,683 can you meet me there and pick him up? Oh, and can you tell Gran? 74 00:03:11,761 --> 00:03:12,841 But who are you with, then? 75 00:03:13,413 --> 00:03:15,940 I'm being driven by Mr Jayasundera from number six. 76 00:03:16,050 --> 00:03:17,607 Everything's under control. 77 00:03:17,928 --> 00:03:18,991 Sorry! 78 00:03:19,016 --> 00:03:22,663 No, no, no. I mean, but who's going to be with you for the birth? 79 00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:25,444 I don't know. 80 00:03:25,469 --> 00:03:27,039 - She's on her own. - Why's she on her own? 81 00:03:27,063 --> 00:03:28,852 I don't know. But... 82 00:03:29,024 --> 00:03:30,891 ... will you be okay? 83 00:03:31,409 --> 00:03:33,534 I'm all right. It's not my first. 84 00:03:35,878 --> 00:03:37,276 Mum should be with me, really. 85 00:03:37,356 --> 00:03:39,221 Er, er... 86 00:03:40,183 --> 00:03:41,721 Do you want me to be there? 87 00:03:43,594 --> 00:03:44,651 Would you? 88 00:03:45,752 --> 00:03:47,002 Er, yeah. 89 00:03:47,657 --> 00:03:49,644 Oh, course I will. I'm on my way. 90 00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:56,535 Oh, my God, Rosie's gone into hospital. Oh. 91 00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,789 Is that now? I thought she was months away. 92 00:04:00,159 --> 00:04:02,178 But Danny's with her. He says I've got to tell Gran. 93 00:04:02,202 --> 00:04:06,197 I could go. I could get a taxi, it's only half an hour. 94 00:04:06,362 --> 00:04:07,731 Oh, don't add to the panic, Gran. 95 00:04:07,756 --> 00:04:09,956 The last thing we need is one of your little adventures. 96 00:04:10,304 --> 00:04:12,664 Danny says she's having an ultrasound for the epidural, 97 00:04:12,689 --> 00:04:13,921 so everything's fine. 98 00:04:14,218 --> 00:04:15,656 Your mother would be there. 99 00:04:16,229 --> 00:04:17,249 I know, but... 100 00:04:18,473 --> 00:04:20,313 Yeah, but there's nothing we can do about that. 101 00:04:20,567 --> 00:04:22,218 It's a bit odd for Daniel, 102 00:04:22,489 --> 00:04:24,789 childbirth with his own sister. 103 00:04:25,422 --> 00:04:27,727 If he wasn't gay before, he will be now. 104 00:04:27,752 --> 00:04:29,117 Well, that's gynaephobic. 105 00:04:29,921 --> 00:04:30,945 What was that? 106 00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,851 Celeste says hello. 107 00:04:33,163 --> 00:04:34,234 Mm. 108 00:04:34,953 --> 00:04:36,747 Well, let me know the news. 109 00:04:36,748 --> 00:04:37,960 Any time. 110 00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:39,727 Even if it's 4am. 111 00:04:39,752 --> 00:04:42,624 I will but don't stay up all night. 112 00:04:42,649 --> 00:04:44,984 Promise me, no adventures. 113 00:04:45,066 --> 00:04:47,695 You talk to me like I'm a child. 114 00:04:52,191 --> 00:04:54,671 If you go to bed now, get up at 5am, 115 00:04:54,992 --> 00:04:58,164 drive to Manchester, you could be at your gran's by eight o'clock. 116 00:04:58,531 --> 00:05:01,251 But I've got Lou Havins coming round in the morning about that trust. 117 00:05:01,425 --> 00:05:02,718 Cancel him. 118 00:05:03,300 --> 00:05:04,339 E-mail him now, go on. 119 00:05:04,661 --> 00:05:05,867 Family emergency. 120 00:05:06,586 --> 00:05:09,039 You should be with your gran, the old goat. 121 00:05:12,934 --> 00:05:14,241 Don't ever tell her I was nice. 122 00:05:16,547 --> 00:05:18,327 This is BBC Radio 4. 123 00:05:18,352 --> 00:05:19,562 Good morning. 124 00:05:19,920 --> 00:05:22,345 Researchers have to carry out a 5-year study 125 00:05:22,370 --> 00:05:24,748 into the causes of inequality in the UK 126 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:26,968 which, they say, is a threat to democracy. 127 00:05:27,548 --> 00:05:30,343 Theresa May's Brexit negotiator is going to Brussels 128 00:05:30,368 --> 00:05:32,251 for talks on the document that sets out 129 00:05:32,276 --> 00:05:34,805 the UK's future relations with the EU. 130 00:05:35,333 --> 00:05:37,699 Doris Day appears on most of the front pages 131 00:05:37,724 --> 00:05:40,536 following her death yesterday at the age of 97. 132 00:05:51,118 --> 00:05:52,259 He's so Chinese. 133 00:05:52,284 --> 00:05:53,994 Oh, my God, I was waiting for you to say it first. 134 00:05:54,018 --> 00:05:55,041 He is, isn't he? 135 00:05:55,409 --> 00:05:59,424 I was wondering how Chinese he was going to be but he is, like, 100%. 136 00:05:59,845 --> 00:06:01,431 Tiny little version of Gau. 137 00:06:01,954 --> 00:06:03,259 Well, you'll have to tell him. 138 00:06:03,332 --> 00:06:04,665 I know, I'll call him later. 139 00:06:05,414 --> 00:06:06,437 What about Dad? 140 00:06:06,594 --> 00:06:07,689 None of his business. 141 00:06:08,931 --> 00:06:10,051 Do you want me to phone him? 142 00:06:10,582 --> 00:06:12,517 If I want to tell anyone, I want to tell Mum... 143 00:06:13,157 --> 00:06:15,102 ... and I can't, so Dad can just piss off. 144 00:06:15,907 --> 00:06:17,203 Don't you tell him, okay? 145 00:06:17,228 --> 00:06:18,509 - Have you got that? - Okay, okay. 146 00:06:18,533 --> 00:06:20,297 All right. I won't. 147 00:06:22,032 --> 00:06:23,883 So, have you thought of a name? 148 00:06:24,950 --> 00:06:25,950 Lincoln. 149 00:06:26,598 --> 00:06:29,328 I don't believe it, she's calling him Lincoln. 150 00:06:29,460 --> 00:06:31,008 Like Abraham Lincoln? 151 00:06:31,219 --> 00:06:33,257 What is he, a Chinese Abraham Lincoln? 152 00:06:33,375 --> 00:06:36,414 You're saying Lincoln, Lincoln Lyons. 153 00:06:36,625 --> 00:06:37,805 She's calling him Lincoln. 154 00:06:37,969 --> 00:06:40,453 I know. I got an e-mail from Danny. 155 00:06:40,736 --> 00:06:43,172 I warn you, he'll get called Lin. 156 00:06:43,590 --> 00:06:45,242 Gran says he'll get called Lin. 157 00:06:45,267 --> 00:06:47,914 So? Tell her that's a boy's name too. 158 00:06:48,446 --> 00:06:50,423 There's nothing wrong with it. I just wonder where she got it from. 159 00:06:50,447 --> 00:06:52,196 Maybe she had sex in Lincoln. 160 00:06:52,221 --> 00:06:53,469 Oi, that's enough of that. 161 00:06:54,550 --> 00:06:56,581 Ruby says maybe she had sex in Lincoln. 162 00:06:56,638 --> 00:06:58,477 Er, tell Ruby to stop being so rude. 163 00:06:58,696 --> 00:07:00,429 All right, I'd better go. I'll see you tonight. 164 00:07:00,453 --> 00:07:02,110 Congratulations, again. 165 00:07:02,375 --> 00:07:03,641 Great grandmother. 166 00:07:03,736 --> 00:07:06,274 I am great, don't you forget it. 167 00:07:07,641 --> 00:07:09,891 Come on, let's go and see the little swine. 168 00:07:10,875 --> 00:07:12,992 Mr Lincoln Lyons. 169 00:07:14,281 --> 00:07:15,399 You've got a new cousin. 170 00:07:15,724 --> 00:07:17,516 Auntie Rosie had a little boy called Lincoln, 171 00:07:17,583 --> 00:07:18,615 like Lincoln Green. 172 00:07:21,732 --> 00:07:24,367 Signor, give me the origin of Lincoln as a boy's first name. 173 00:07:24,392 --> 00:07:26,032 Lincoln as a boy's first name 174 00:07:26,057 --> 00:07:27,672 is from the Latin meaning lithe. 175 00:07:27,708 --> 00:07:28,908 What does lithe mean? 176 00:07:29,057 --> 00:07:30,791 Erm, kind of thin. 177 00:07:31,359 --> 00:07:32,658 Is it thin or slight? 178 00:07:32,748 --> 00:07:33,947 More like slim. 179 00:07:34,477 --> 00:07:36,525 Signor, what does lithe mean? 180 00:07:36,618 --> 00:07:40,625 Lithe, adjective meaning pliant, limber, supple, flexible. 181 00:07:40,650 --> 00:07:41,682 Thank you. 182 00:07:45,115 --> 00:07:47,110 Hello, hello, hello. 183 00:07:47,191 --> 00:07:50,807 - Aw, he's fast asleep. - Good boy. 184 00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,478 Oh, little Lincoln. 185 00:07:55,167 --> 00:07:56,986 I keep thinking about your mum. 186 00:07:57,273 --> 00:07:59,900 I know. But don't set me off again. 187 00:08:00,371 --> 00:08:01,442 Has anyone told Edith? 188 00:08:02,057 --> 00:08:04,189 I left her a message. She never replies. 189 00:08:04,253 --> 00:08:05,260 God knows where she is. 190 00:08:05,308 --> 00:08:08,033 Indonesia, last I heard. 191 00:08:08,704 --> 00:08:11,033 They imprison children, she says. 192 00:08:11,094 --> 00:08:13,221 Apparently, if you haven't got a birth certificate, 193 00:08:13,736 --> 00:08:16,658 they determine your age by x-raying your wrist 194 00:08:16,704 --> 00:08:21,135 and then if your X-ray says you're 16, you're 16 even if you're 12. 195 00:08:21,244 --> 00:08:24,697 So, off goes Edith into battle. 196 00:08:25,756 --> 00:08:27,166 Just like her mother. 197 00:08:27,551 --> 00:08:30,010 No, Mum liked a hot bath and proper towels. 198 00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:31,525 Edith lives like a hippy. 199 00:08:32,644 --> 00:08:34,715 Come on, then, they said two to a bed. 200 00:08:34,892 --> 00:08:36,338 I'll take Lee to McDonald's. 201 00:08:36,363 --> 00:08:38,666 - How do you fancy that, yeah? - Yeah! 202 00:08:38,752 --> 00:08:40,946 - Yeah. - Yeah. 203 00:08:41,931 --> 00:08:42,998 Can I say goodbye? 204 00:08:43,235 --> 00:08:44,235 Yeah. 205 00:08:45,506 --> 00:08:46,931 Oh, careful. 206 00:08:47,909 --> 00:08:50,540 Oh, looking a bit broody there. 207 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:52,563 No chance. No way. 208 00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:54,314 Ah, you'd be great, you and Ralph. 209 00:08:54,497 --> 00:08:57,165 Don't know if I could have a kid in a world like this. 210 00:08:57,289 --> 00:09:00,376 - Oh, that's happy, thanks. - Really, though. It's... 211 00:09:01,380 --> 00:09:03,078 It is like that Rook woman said, 212 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:05,966 things were OK a few years ago, before 2008. 213 00:09:05,991 --> 00:09:08,511 Do you remember back then? We used to think politics was boring. 214 00:09:08,708 --> 00:09:09,731 Those were the days. 215 00:09:09,756 --> 00:09:11,804 But now, I worry about everything. 216 00:09:12,239 --> 00:09:13,524 I don't know what to worry about first. 217 00:09:13,548 --> 00:09:15,656 Never mind the government, it's the sodding banks. 218 00:09:15,681 --> 00:09:17,648 They terrify me and it's not even them, 219 00:09:17,673 --> 00:09:20,515 it's the companies, the brands, the corporations. 220 00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,945 They treat us like algorithms, 221 00:09:21,970 --> 00:09:24,273 while they go around poisoning the air and the temperature 222 00:09:24,298 --> 00:09:26,349 and the rain, and don't even start me on Isis. 223 00:09:26,909 --> 00:09:28,398 Well, now we've got America. 224 00:09:28,781 --> 00:09:30,967 Never thought I'd be scared of America in a million years, 225 00:09:30,991 --> 00:09:33,054 but we've got fake news and false facts 226 00:09:33,079 --> 00:09:34,345 and I don't even know what's true any more. 227 00:09:34,369 --> 00:09:36,414 What sort of world are we in? 228 00:09:37,211 --> 00:09:41,242 Cos if it's this bad now, what's it going to be like for you, huh? 229 00:09:41,267 --> 00:09:44,586 30 years' time, 10 years, 5 years? 230 00:09:46,406 --> 00:09:47,681 What's it going to be like? 231 00:09:47,900 --> 00:09:52,317 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Lincoln ♪ 232 00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:56,195 ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ 233 00:10:00,113 --> 00:10:03,752 And the world awakes to a second term for President Donald Trump. 234 00:10:03,777 --> 00:10:06,494 The President you get, you deserve. 235 00:10:13,105 --> 00:10:15,112 Okay, right, so don't laugh, 236 00:10:15,584 --> 00:10:16,744 but will you marry me? 237 00:10:16,967 --> 00:10:18,634 Oh, my God, you're hilarious, Dan. 238 00:10:18,659 --> 00:10:19,686 But will you though? 239 00:10:19,898 --> 00:10:21,910 - Yes! - Yeah? 240 00:10:31,835 --> 00:10:34,950 And China has named the new island Hong Sha Dao, 241 00:10:34,975 --> 00:10:36,994 which means the Island of the Red Sands. 242 00:10:36,995 --> 00:10:39,526 The date of the general election has been announced. 243 00:10:39,551 --> 00:10:41,659 as Thursday, May 5th. 244 00:10:41,821 --> 00:10:43,500 I will be standing, yes. 245 00:10:43,525 --> 00:10:44,572 It's about time, 246 00:10:44,768 --> 00:10:47,984 but I'll be standing as an independent candidate. 247 00:10:48,067 --> 00:10:50,384 I, Daniel Samuel Lyons, 248 00:10:50,486 --> 00:10:53,478 take you, Ralph Joseph Cousins, 249 00:10:53,503 --> 00:10:55,212 to be my legally wedded husband. 250 00:10:57,853 --> 00:11:02,173 - Woohoo! - Arriba, arriba, arriba! 251 00:11:05,764 --> 00:11:09,576 Long live the King! Long live the King! 252 00:11:09,991 --> 00:11:11,654 Long live the King! 253 00:11:13,622 --> 00:11:15,887 ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ 254 00:11:20,301 --> 00:11:22,457 Vivienne Alison Rook... 255 00:11:22,955 --> 00:11:25,621 ... 3,576. 256 00:11:26,458 --> 00:11:30,039 Archibald Goolding is duly elected as Member of Parliament 257 00:11:30,064 --> 00:11:31,439 for this constituency. 258 00:11:31,758 --> 00:11:32,809 I'll be back. 259 00:11:32,873 --> 00:11:35,580 You watch me. I'll be back. 260 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:39,215 The Ukrainian Army has taken control of the government. 261 00:11:39,506 --> 00:11:41,240 They have invited the Soviet Army 262 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:43,834 into Kiev to maintain stability. 263 00:11:44,615 --> 00:11:47,654 ♪ Happy birthday, dear Gran ♪ 264 00:11:48,190 --> 00:11:50,826 ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪ 265 00:11:53,810 --> 00:11:56,459 We should do this every year on my birthday. 266 00:11:56,725 --> 00:11:59,170 - It's a new tradition. - It's freezing. 267 00:11:59,195 --> 00:12:01,560 Let's call it the Winter Feast. 268 00:12:02,477 --> 00:12:06,113 And with Germany still in mourning after the death of Angela Merkel... 269 00:12:06,146 --> 00:12:08,352 - Oh, good riddance. - What? 270 00:12:08,377 --> 00:12:10,086 Well, you know, I don't want to be rude, 271 00:12:10,111 --> 00:12:11,891 but the world just got a whole lot prettier. 272 00:12:11,916 --> 00:12:13,979 You've got a great future in politics. 273 00:12:14,714 --> 00:12:17,900 Why is she even on? She's not anyone. 274 00:12:17,925 --> 00:12:20,159 - She's no-one. - Oh, lighten up! 275 00:12:20,442 --> 00:12:22,307 I'll take it as a compliment, anyway. 276 00:12:22,332 --> 00:12:23,818 And here's to absent friends, 277 00:12:23,843 --> 00:12:27,388 to our dearly beloved sister, out there on the oceans deep. 278 00:12:27,757 --> 00:12:29,781 - Here's to Edith. - To Edith! 279 00:12:31,718 --> 00:12:33,476 Yeah! 280 00:12:39,338 --> 00:12:41,570 And there's a large crowd of protesters 281 00:12:41,595 --> 00:12:43,312 gathering in Dover this morning, 282 00:12:43,337 --> 00:12:46,303 as it's been announced that so far in 2024, 283 00:12:46,328 --> 00:12:49,304 more Ukrainian refugees have entered the UK 284 00:12:49,329 --> 00:12:51,218 than in the whole of the previous year. 285 00:12:51,375 --> 00:12:54,734 Current estimates suggest that a further 10,000 refugees 286 00:12:54,759 --> 00:12:57,109 will be arriving before the end of the month. 287 00:12:58,825 --> 00:12:59,825 Pass me the soap. 288 00:13:02,709 --> 00:13:03,829 What are you doing that for? 289 00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,177 I just had a shit downstairs. 290 00:13:06,803 --> 00:13:08,701 You always tell me off when I run the tap, so... 291 00:13:08,726 --> 00:13:10,021 Hey, have you got shitty hands?! 292 00:13:10,046 --> 00:13:12,057 I haven't got actual shit on my hands, no. 293 00:13:12,423 --> 00:13:14,185 Don't. Get off. Stop it! 294 00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,437 All right. I'm done. 295 00:13:16,242 --> 00:13:18,278 - That's disgusting. - It was your rule. 296 00:13:19,991 --> 00:13:21,000 Morning. 297 00:13:21,500 --> 00:13:22,646 Oh, you look nice. 298 00:13:24,148 --> 00:13:25,227 Hello, Clyde. 299 00:13:25,963 --> 00:13:27,540 Stephen, I left that thing on the shelf. 300 00:13:27,564 --> 00:13:29,461 - Don't forget, it needs to go today. - Yep. 301 00:13:29,833 --> 00:13:31,524 Tell me, Clyde, are you living here now? 302 00:13:31,666 --> 00:13:32,962 Mum says thank you very much. 303 00:13:32,987 --> 00:13:35,134 That's every day this week, I'll send her a bill. 304 00:13:35,845 --> 00:13:38,189 - Morning. - Hello, Mummy. 305 00:13:38,219 --> 00:13:41,086 - And how's Bethany doing under there? - She's fine! Hm. 306 00:13:41,174 --> 00:13:43,688 Well, it would be nice to see her one day. Give her my love. 307 00:13:43,713 --> 00:13:46,477 Signor, remind Edith it's Gran's birthday on the second. 308 00:13:46,502 --> 00:13:49,280 Reminder to Edith Lyons sent. 309 00:13:49,305 --> 00:13:51,078 God, the Winter Feast. 310 00:13:51,305 --> 00:13:52,453 Do we really have to go? 311 00:13:52,584 --> 00:13:54,359 Don't be daft, we'll have a nice time. 312 00:13:55,016 --> 00:13:57,096 Plus it means we don't have to see them at Christmas. 313 00:13:57,337 --> 00:13:59,836 OK, nobody can use the Vision tonight cos me and Clyde 314 00:13:59,861 --> 00:14:02,856 have booked it, we've got upstairs from seven till ten, 315 00:14:02,881 --> 00:14:04,892 - have you got that? - Clyde and I. 316 00:14:04,987 --> 00:14:07,152 It's the worldwide premier of Guardians 4 317 00:14:07,177 --> 00:14:09,224 so you can't interrupt, not for anything. 318 00:14:09,249 --> 00:14:11,168 No, Chris Pratt is such a hot daddy. 319 00:14:11,193 --> 00:14:12,966 He could have me any day. 320 00:14:14,621 --> 00:14:16,560 - Bye! - 13 years old. 321 00:14:18,666 --> 00:14:21,091 Bethany says she's booked us for Saturday. 322 00:14:22,049 --> 00:14:23,049 Are you free? 323 00:14:24,134 --> 00:14:25,446 Bethany, sweetheart, 324 00:14:25,892 --> 00:14:27,692 you don't need to make an appointment with me. 325 00:14:27,811 --> 00:14:30,000 I'm here, right in front of you. 326 00:14:30,517 --> 00:14:31,966 I'm sorry, Mummy. 327 00:14:31,991 --> 00:14:34,970 Seriously though, I mean, I might have to start limiting filter time. 328 00:14:34,971 --> 00:14:36,071 Just talk to me properly. 329 00:14:36,301 --> 00:14:38,721 - Sorry, pretty Mummy. - Do you want me to take that off you? 330 00:14:38,746 --> 00:14:40,809 - Don't, no, it's all right. - No, it's not. 331 00:14:40,999 --> 00:14:42,324 It's not all right. 332 00:14:42,869 --> 00:14:45,331 Beth, I'm here, in front of you. 333 00:14:45,991 --> 00:14:48,886 If you want to talk to us, you don't need to make an appointment. 334 00:14:50,207 --> 00:14:54,235 Why don't you turn off that filter, so we can see you properly? 335 00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:57,472 Sorry. 336 00:14:58,552 --> 00:14:59,933 For God's sakes. 337 00:15:00,224 --> 00:15:02,946 I think if Beth wants to see us then Saturday makes sense 338 00:15:02,971 --> 00:15:04,386 because you won't be rushing off 339 00:15:04,411 --> 00:15:06,722 and Ruby's at her sex-fighting class, 340 00:15:06,747 --> 00:15:08,832 so the three of us can sit down together and have a nice long chat, 341 00:15:08,856 --> 00:15:11,970 - isn't that right, Beth? - Oh, I like how that became my fault. 342 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:13,043 Rushing off. 343 00:15:13,940 --> 00:15:15,809 But, yes, OK, fine. Saturday. 344 00:15:15,858 --> 00:15:20,371 Yaaaay! Fank-oo! Fank-oo! 345 00:15:43,780 --> 00:15:44,918 You not got your car? 346 00:15:46,258 --> 00:15:47,801 Oh, I was in Rusholme last night, 347 00:15:47,826 --> 00:15:50,098 it was all sealed off with that bomb factory. 348 00:15:50,123 --> 00:15:52,283 - I've got to go and get it. - Well, I can take you in. 349 00:15:52,920 --> 00:15:54,443 It's about time we said hello. 350 00:15:55,071 --> 00:15:57,419 It's Daniel, from number 17. 351 00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:59,154 I'm Fran. 352 00:15:59,999 --> 00:16:01,663 - Fran Baxter. - Hi. 353 00:16:02,755 --> 00:16:04,008 Thank you. 354 00:16:05,934 --> 00:16:07,334 So, what brought you up here, then? 355 00:16:07,654 --> 00:16:09,547 Oh, I gave up on London in the end. 356 00:16:09,771 --> 00:16:11,786 I tried my best, but it finally beat me. 357 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:15,129 - Why, too expensive? - £12 for a coffee. 358 00:16:15,843 --> 00:16:17,544 And those areas getting fenced off, 359 00:16:17,569 --> 00:16:20,397 like you can only enter Kensington if you're means tested. 360 00:16:20,931 --> 00:16:23,201 I thought, I've had enough. I can do my job anywhere. 361 00:16:23,226 --> 00:16:25,412 - Which is what, what do you do? - I'm a story teller. 362 00:16:26,913 --> 00:16:28,804 Oh, right, good. Yeah. 363 00:16:29,805 --> 00:16:33,210 - What's that? - I tell stories for a living. 364 00:16:33,235 --> 00:16:35,226 I go into schools and businesses. 365 00:16:35,251 --> 00:16:36,546 I teach master classes. 366 00:16:36,897 --> 00:16:40,202 The shape of stories and the need for them. 367 00:16:41,431 --> 00:16:44,710 - You think it's ridiculous, don't you? - Uh, no. No, not at all. 368 00:16:44,873 --> 00:16:46,711 It's a real thing, though. It's worldwide. 369 00:16:46,736 --> 00:16:48,919 - I've done a TED talk. - Oh, God. Wow. 370 00:16:48,944 --> 00:16:51,927 Well, TEDx, but it's amazing in schools. 371 00:16:51,983 --> 00:16:53,165 Kids love it. 372 00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:57,173 Like, stories help them to make sense of the world. 373 00:17:00,114 --> 00:17:02,501 Is your sister Edith Lyons? 374 00:17:03,873 --> 00:17:05,853 Yes, yes, she is. Yeah. 375 00:17:06,357 --> 00:17:08,204 You'd get on well with her, she'd love you. 376 00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:09,985 Why, how do you know? Who said? 377 00:17:10,223 --> 00:17:12,681 Mike at number 12 told me. 378 00:17:13,975 --> 00:17:15,243 I think she's amazing. 379 00:17:15,751 --> 00:17:17,470 I've read all of her books. 380 00:17:17,532 --> 00:17:18,807 Er, well, they're not exactly books, 381 00:17:18,831 --> 00:17:20,704 they're more like essays that never end. 382 00:17:21,697 --> 00:17:24,376 No, but, yeah, and you know I haven't seen her for years. 383 00:17:24,401 --> 00:17:26,121 She didn't even come home when our mum died. 384 00:17:26,266 --> 00:17:30,254 She's in Lagos now, causing trouble. 385 00:17:31,255 --> 00:17:34,407 Hm. And you work for the council, yeah? 386 00:17:34,544 --> 00:17:36,634 Yeah, I'm just a housing officer. 387 00:17:36,744 --> 00:17:38,744 I know. Boring. 388 00:17:40,649 --> 00:17:42,532 I'm dealing with all these refugees. 389 00:17:42,686 --> 00:17:43,975 They're flooding in from Ukraine. 390 00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:47,095 500 in the past month, housing doesn't cover it, 391 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,071 we've had to build them a little town. 392 00:17:49,576 --> 00:17:53,676 No. No! No, no, cars on site. 393 00:17:53,701 --> 00:17:57,189 Read the signs. Parking's at Denholm Fields. 394 00:17:57,214 --> 00:17:58,943 Well, I don't know where that is. 395 00:17:59,289 --> 00:18:00,336 I'm Debbie Green. 396 00:18:00,596 --> 00:18:03,708 They sent me from Blackpool. I'm with the exchange. 397 00:18:03,959 --> 00:18:05,998 OK. Well, just go back to the road, turn right, 398 00:18:05,999 --> 00:18:08,568 follow the parking signs and then come back and find me, 399 00:18:08,593 --> 00:18:10,522 Daniel Lyons, and I can show you what's what. 400 00:18:10,858 --> 00:18:11,858 Thanks, Danny. 401 00:18:12,142 --> 00:18:13,146 Daniel. 402 00:18:14,611 --> 00:18:18,553 So, they arrive here and they're sent through there to Divestiture. 403 00:18:18,578 --> 00:18:20,581 That's where they abandon all their belongings, 404 00:18:20,606 --> 00:18:22,280 except clothes and essentials, 405 00:18:22,305 --> 00:18:24,616 because you would not believe what they try to bring in, 406 00:18:24,736 --> 00:18:27,178 chairs and heirlooms, pets. 407 00:18:27,203 --> 00:18:30,428 We keep saying, "They're not homes, they're emergency housing." 408 00:18:30,453 --> 00:18:32,796 - How many on site? - 60 so far, 409 00:18:32,935 --> 00:18:34,874 but expanding to 200 by the end of the week. 410 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:36,087 Yeah, so what's the plan with Blackpool? 411 00:18:36,111 --> 00:18:38,093 - Are you building one of these? - Oh, God, no. 412 00:18:38,290 --> 00:18:40,090 - I'm trying to stop them. - What do you mean? 413 00:18:40,462 --> 00:18:43,481 Oh, we don't want this. It's a bloody nightmare. 414 00:18:43,559 --> 00:18:45,954 - I voted Leave. - Yeah, they're not immigrants. 415 00:18:45,979 --> 00:18:47,723 They're refugees. There's a difference. 416 00:18:47,748 --> 00:18:48,748 Do you know what the difference is? 417 00:18:48,748 --> 00:18:52,871 I think it's one thing taking in starving kids, but not Ukrainians! 418 00:18:53,106 --> 00:18:56,450 They've got shops over there, they've got TV, they've got roads. 419 00:18:56,475 --> 00:18:57,970 They've got soldiers on the streets. 420 00:18:57,995 --> 00:18:59,387 Are we at war with Russia? 421 00:18:59,682 --> 00:19:00,809 No, not yet. 422 00:19:00,834 --> 00:19:02,325 Then they're not refugees. 423 00:19:02,431 --> 00:19:03,837 They're asylum seekers, 424 00:19:04,134 --> 00:19:06,360 and that's a very different apple in the custard. 425 00:19:06,693 --> 00:19:10,032 97% of Ukraine voted for Russian citizenship. 426 00:19:10,481 --> 00:19:11,947 If you can believe that wasn't fixed, 427 00:19:11,971 --> 00:19:14,040 and now Russia's got the names of the other 3%, 428 00:19:14,065 --> 00:19:15,166 whether that's legal or not, 429 00:19:15,190 --> 00:19:16,845 and they're talking about re-housing them 430 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,712 but they won't give a definition of what re-housing means, 431 00:19:19,737 --> 00:19:21,923 which is terrifying, frankly. 432 00:19:21,948 --> 00:19:24,477 In other words, it's a purge, so these people are refugees 433 00:19:24,502 --> 00:19:26,220 which means they're allowed to seek asylum 434 00:19:26,245 --> 00:19:27,747 and it's got nothing to do with Europe 435 00:19:27,771 --> 00:19:31,243 and we're still part of the United Nations, whether you like it or not. 436 00:19:31,435 --> 00:19:34,376 - Who says apple in the custard? - My mother. 437 00:19:34,401 --> 00:19:37,372 - Then she's a bloody idiot. - Vijay, get her off site. 438 00:19:37,891 --> 00:19:38,974 - June. - Yeah? 439 00:19:38,999 --> 00:19:41,022 - That's for DP. Thank you. - Thanks. 440 00:19:41,278 --> 00:19:42,539 15. 15. 441 00:19:42,878 --> 00:19:45,164 Right. Er, hi there. 442 00:19:45,189 --> 00:19:46,664 Mr Barabash. 443 00:19:46,689 --> 00:19:52,156 Er, you've applied for a transfer to Dublin because... 444 00:19:52,995 --> 00:19:54,955 Oh, you've got family there, is that right? Sorry. 445 00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:57,422 - How's your English? - It's good. 446 00:19:57,611 --> 00:19:59,819 OK. Well, we can't process that until the sanctuary scheme 447 00:19:59,843 --> 00:20:01,483 has worked out a border deal with Ireland, 448 00:20:01,507 --> 00:20:04,404 and that is a long way off so we can't do anything right now. 449 00:20:04,506 --> 00:20:07,864 - Sorry. - Good, but, er, I'm not Mr Barabash. 450 00:20:09,819 --> 00:20:10,819 Oh. 451 00:20:11,579 --> 00:20:14,193 - Right. okay. Is he around? - No, he's gone. 452 00:20:15,353 --> 00:20:17,282 - Where has he gone? - Dublin. 453 00:20:18,102 --> 00:20:20,797 Er, well, I'm here to tell him he can't. 454 00:20:21,329 --> 00:20:22,541 That bastard. 455 00:20:24,802 --> 00:20:27,032 My name is Viktor. Viktor Goraya. 456 00:20:27,564 --> 00:20:30,547 Yeah, I should know that, shouldn't I? Er, well, I'm with housing. 457 00:20:30,572 --> 00:20:34,282 Daniel, I'm... Yeah, I'm normally more efficient than this, promise. 458 00:20:34,469 --> 00:20:35,749 I thought you'd come to join me. 459 00:20:35,912 --> 00:20:37,110 They said I'd have to share. 460 00:20:37,705 --> 00:20:39,524 I thought, "Wow, I've got lucky." 461 00:20:43,177 --> 00:20:44,665 Yeah, anyway, I'd better... 462 00:20:46,330 --> 00:20:47,369 Thanks. 463 00:20:48,047 --> 00:20:49,446 So, how are you settling in? 464 00:20:50,169 --> 00:20:52,485 They got me a lawyer, Mrs Vennering. 465 00:20:52,791 --> 00:20:54,626 She prepares my case for asylum. 466 00:20:55,137 --> 00:20:57,540 It'll take months, so thank you for my home. 467 00:20:58,075 --> 00:21:01,321 Oh, well, it's meant to have proper insulation, but the money ran out. 468 00:21:01,874 --> 00:21:04,212 The roof's only made of a light gauge steel, so... 469 00:21:05,548 --> 00:21:07,610 Sorry, I could talk about containers forever. 470 00:21:08,372 --> 00:21:10,696 My boyfriend, oh, gets sick of it. 471 00:21:11,204 --> 00:21:12,240 Yeah. 472 00:21:15,588 --> 00:21:16,883 So, what does your lawyer say? 473 00:21:17,228 --> 00:21:19,430 I mean, what are your chances? 474 00:21:19,663 --> 00:21:22,001 Well, they need to prove torture, 475 00:21:22,294 --> 00:21:23,318 that I was tortured. 476 00:21:24,708 --> 00:21:25,731 They asked me questions 477 00:21:25,756 --> 00:21:27,716 and applied electricity to the soles of my feet. 478 00:21:28,043 --> 00:21:30,098 - I think that's torture. - Of course it is. 479 00:21:30,998 --> 00:21:33,904 God, that's... That's terrible, I'm so sorry. 480 00:21:34,131 --> 00:21:35,802 They demand proof here in the UK, 481 00:21:36,137 --> 00:21:39,209 which I understand, but they electrocute 482 00:21:39,234 --> 00:21:41,396 because it leaves no marks, so no proof. 483 00:21:42,548 --> 00:21:46,536 You see, there was a tiny scar where the electric goes in. 484 00:21:47,795 --> 00:21:48,818 But not any more. 485 00:21:49,857 --> 00:21:50,877 It fades away. 486 00:21:56,540 --> 00:21:57,584 Does it still hurt? 487 00:21:58,753 --> 00:22:00,529 Yeah, but it's okay. 488 00:22:07,811 --> 00:22:09,201 So, what did they ask you? 489 00:22:10,485 --> 00:22:11,544 What sort of questions? 490 00:22:11,999 --> 00:22:16,490 My friends, their names, addresses, the bars we'd go to. 491 00:22:16,515 --> 00:22:17,592 But I thought... 492 00:22:18,489 --> 00:22:21,576 - It's legal in Ukraine, isn't it? - No, no, no. 493 00:22:21,673 --> 00:22:23,059 Not with the new Russian laws. 494 00:22:23,482 --> 00:22:25,997 But the point is, the inquisitors were Ukrainian. 495 00:22:27,411 --> 00:22:29,291 They were people who'd been waiting a long time. 496 00:22:34,807 --> 00:22:35,807 That's nice. 497 00:22:39,317 --> 00:22:40,864 I'd better get back to work. 498 00:22:41,396 --> 00:22:42,400 Yeah. 499 00:22:47,797 --> 00:22:50,395 Well, say hello, any time. 500 00:22:50,948 --> 00:22:52,935 Er, yeah, but we're not allowed to. 501 00:22:53,176 --> 00:22:54,983 It's preferential treatment, you know? 502 00:22:56,173 --> 00:22:57,348 Anyway, thanks. 503 00:23:12,344 --> 00:23:15,083 Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours. 504 00:23:15,282 --> 00:23:16,747 That account is private. 505 00:23:17,137 --> 00:23:18,575 Germany Lemon Five Parasol. 506 00:23:18,669 --> 00:23:19,669 Unlocked. 507 00:23:19,694 --> 00:23:20,697 Don't. 508 00:23:21,314 --> 00:23:22,322 We promised them. 509 00:23:24,258 --> 00:23:26,645 Signor, give me Bethany's internet history, past 24 hours. 510 00:23:28,917 --> 00:23:30,192 A trans life? 511 00:23:30,858 --> 00:23:32,083 Well, there we are. 512 00:23:33,039 --> 00:23:34,087 I said so. 513 00:23:44,231 --> 00:23:45,380 Oh, bless her. 514 00:23:46,067 --> 00:23:47,138 It's okay. 515 00:23:47,725 --> 00:23:48,725 She'll be fine. 516 00:23:49,764 --> 00:23:50,764 He'll be fine. 517 00:23:51,790 --> 00:23:52,825 They'll be fine? 518 00:23:56,188 --> 00:23:57,278 Oh, God. 519 00:24:02,486 --> 00:24:03,942 I just want you to know... 520 00:24:05,987 --> 00:24:07,692 ... I wuv you, Mummy and Daddy. 521 00:24:09,059 --> 00:24:10,651 I know you do, sweetheart. 522 00:24:11,435 --> 00:24:13,315 And I'm going to ask you to take the filter off. 523 00:24:13,705 --> 00:24:14,838 Will you do that for me? 524 00:24:28,082 --> 00:24:29,082 I think... 525 00:24:30,620 --> 00:24:32,080 ... I've been uncomfortable... 526 00:24:33,314 --> 00:24:34,353 ... a very long time. 527 00:24:34,416 --> 00:24:35,766 - We know. - Sh, sh. 528 00:24:37,485 --> 00:24:40,447 I've been thinking, ever since I was born, that... 529 00:24:42,630 --> 00:24:44,189 ... I don't belong in this body. 530 00:24:46,298 --> 00:24:48,102 - Oh, my God. - It's all right. 531 00:24:48,467 --> 00:24:50,122 It's really okay, darling. 532 00:24:52,904 --> 00:24:55,997 I've been reading up on it and... 533 00:24:59,794 --> 00:25:01,035 ... I think I'm trans. 534 00:25:01,666 --> 00:25:03,701 Oh, sweetheart. Aw. 535 00:25:03,999 --> 00:25:07,177 Oh, it's all right, darling. I swear. 536 00:25:07,427 --> 00:25:08,888 It really is. 537 00:25:09,533 --> 00:25:12,677 Ah, look at us, we're fine. We're completely fine, aren't we? 538 00:25:12,702 --> 00:25:13,702 Mm-hm. 539 00:25:14,396 --> 00:25:18,107 And I know we might be a bit slow and a bit old and... 540 00:25:19,314 --> 00:25:20,908 ... this is going to be confusing for us 541 00:25:20,932 --> 00:25:22,956 and we'll make a mess of it sometimes, but... 542 00:25:24,200 --> 00:25:25,684 ... we love you. Hm? 543 00:25:26,121 --> 00:25:28,731 We love you. We absolutely love you. 544 00:25:29,200 --> 00:25:30,301 We always will. 545 00:25:31,075 --> 00:25:33,762 I mean, we don't need to rush. 546 00:25:33,928 --> 00:25:36,035 We've got lots of time to... 547 00:25:36,756 --> 00:25:37,787 ... talk about this. 548 00:25:37,999 --> 00:25:40,389 And, you know, if it turns out that we've got a... 549 00:25:40,486 --> 00:25:44,885 a lovely son instead of a lovely daughter then, well, we'll be happy. 550 00:25:46,110 --> 00:25:48,106 No, I'm not transsexual. 551 00:25:49,282 --> 00:25:50,923 - Oh. - Is that not the word now? 552 00:25:51,243 --> 00:25:52,930 But you said trans. 553 00:25:52,955 --> 00:25:54,298 What do we call you, then? 554 00:25:54,905 --> 00:25:57,829 I'm not transsexual, I'm transhuman. 555 00:25:58,266 --> 00:25:59,266 Oh, okay. 556 00:25:59,291 --> 00:26:01,270 I'm sorry, they keep changing the words. 557 00:26:01,461 --> 00:26:02,606 I don't know the difference. 558 00:26:02,631 --> 00:26:04,434 I don't want to change sex. 559 00:26:04,536 --> 00:26:07,317 No, sure. We say gender now, don't we? I'm sorry. 560 00:26:07,991 --> 00:26:10,403 I said I'm not comfortable with my body, 561 00:26:10,647 --> 00:26:12,169 so I want to get rid of it. 562 00:26:12,419 --> 00:26:13,426 This thing, 563 00:26:14,122 --> 00:26:16,161 all the arms and legs and every single bit of it. 564 00:26:16,536 --> 00:26:18,364 I don't want to be flesh. 565 00:26:19,071 --> 00:26:21,973 I'm really sorry, but I'm going to escape this thing 566 00:26:22,459 --> 00:26:23,590 and become digital. 567 00:26:25,510 --> 00:26:26,778 What do you mean? 568 00:26:27,125 --> 00:26:30,716 They say one day soon, they'll have clinics in Switzerland, 569 00:26:30,741 --> 00:26:32,974 where you can go and you'll sign a form 570 00:26:32,999 --> 00:26:37,098 and they'll take your brain and download it into the cloud. 571 00:26:38,243 --> 00:26:39,278 And your body? 572 00:26:39,740 --> 00:26:40,762 Recycled... 573 00:26:41,819 --> 00:26:42,919 into the Earth. 574 00:26:43,654 --> 00:26:45,666 So, you want to kill yourself? 575 00:26:47,419 --> 00:26:50,356 I want to live forever as information, 576 00:26:50,381 --> 00:26:52,567 because that's what transhumans are, Mum. 577 00:26:52,666 --> 00:26:54,705 Not male or female... 578 00:26:54,979 --> 00:26:56,010 ... better. 579 00:26:56,635 --> 00:26:59,503 Where I'm going there's no life or death, there's only data. 580 00:27:00,138 --> 00:27:01,846 I will be data. 581 00:27:05,043 --> 00:27:07,331 You promised me! You liars! 582 00:27:09,270 --> 00:27:12,518 And if you think you're going online, you make a sad mistake. 583 00:27:12,627 --> 00:27:14,135 I'm switching it off! 584 00:27:14,360 --> 00:27:15,954 I will go analogue if I have to, 585 00:27:15,979 --> 00:27:17,917 so you can't read any more of that shit! 586 00:27:22,169 --> 00:27:27,046 Then the old woman clung to her daughter, because she was so afraid. 587 00:27:27,626 --> 00:27:31,062 She said, "My daughter, I can't go home. 588 00:27:31,565 --> 00:27:33,954 "Waiting on the road, out there in the night, 589 00:27:33,979 --> 00:27:36,390 "are three terrible creatures. 590 00:27:36,740 --> 00:27:41,874 "There is a tiger, there is a bear and there is a wolf 591 00:27:41,899 --> 00:27:44,413 "and they will eat me." 592 00:27:45,265 --> 00:27:50,937 But the daughter said, "Look, what about the pumpkin?" 593 00:27:51,411 --> 00:27:54,671 Cos she still had the pumpkin shell from making the pumpkin soup, 594 00:27:54,696 --> 00:27:56,765 and the pumpkin shell was huge. 595 00:27:56,955 --> 00:28:01,421 She said, "Mother, get inside the pumpkin." 596 00:28:01,959 --> 00:28:07,468 So the old woman did and as she bent over and curled up tight, 597 00:28:07,801 --> 00:28:11,617 all the bones in her back went crick! 598 00:28:11,693 --> 00:28:12,732 Crack! 599 00:28:12,874 --> 00:28:14,601 - Crick! - Crack! 600 00:28:14,627 --> 00:28:16,529 - Crrrr-ick! - Crack! 601 00:28:16,554 --> 00:28:20,634 Oh, those old bones. 602 00:28:21,407 --> 00:28:23,587 But the old woman got inside, 603 00:28:24,635 --> 00:28:27,767 and her daughter sealed up the pumpkin with candle wax 604 00:28:27,792 --> 00:28:29,665 and rolled her to the door. 605 00:28:35,599 --> 00:28:37,009 I'd better go home. 606 00:28:37,975 --> 00:28:39,016 Stay. 607 00:28:42,189 --> 00:28:43,221 Sorry. 608 00:29:15,981 --> 00:29:16,981 Two ticks. 609 00:29:17,915 --> 00:29:18,915 It's okay. 610 00:30:03,396 --> 00:30:06,275 - Hiya. It's Tony, isn't it? - That's right. 611 00:30:06,674 --> 00:30:09,583 I'm Lee's mum, Rosie. Rosie Lyons. 612 00:30:11,756 --> 00:30:14,309 There's no Mr Lyons, in case you were wondering. 613 00:30:16,192 --> 00:30:18,106 And so she ran off, overnight. 614 00:30:18,674 --> 00:30:20,114 Literally packed her bags and left. 615 00:30:20,728 --> 00:30:23,356 Milly was only four and I had to cope all on my own. 616 00:30:23,959 --> 00:30:26,217 Well, I hope you're not expecting a medal, single dad. 617 00:30:26,388 --> 00:30:27,388 No. 618 00:30:27,603 --> 00:30:28,638 I was just saying. 619 00:30:29,271 --> 00:30:30,490 God, you're hard work. 620 00:30:30,556 --> 00:30:31,677 Yes, I am. 621 00:30:31,850 --> 00:30:32,889 Get used to it. 622 00:30:34,367 --> 00:30:37,037 So who have you got? Lincoln and Lee. 623 00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:39,267 Yep. His dad's called Gau. 624 00:30:39,752 --> 00:30:43,076 He was nice enough, but he went back home to Beijing when his mum died. 625 00:30:43,208 --> 00:30:44,912 She fell off a roof, it was terrible. 626 00:30:45,623 --> 00:30:47,970 Although, I always knew he'd go back in the end. 627 00:30:47,995 --> 00:30:49,075 He was never going to stay. 628 00:30:49,901 --> 00:30:52,560 And Lee's dad is a man called Terry Malone. 629 00:30:52,819 --> 00:30:55,302 He's living in Slough with a wife and three daughters. 630 00:30:55,466 --> 00:30:56,990 He stays in touch, he sends money. 631 00:30:57,709 --> 00:30:59,115 We first got together at school. 632 00:30:59,701 --> 00:31:00,944 I don't mean childhood sweethearts, 633 00:31:00,968 --> 00:31:04,199 it was more of a school disco sort of thing. 634 00:31:05,951 --> 00:31:08,576 So, er, do you work or are these two full-time? 635 00:31:08,842 --> 00:31:10,967 God, no. I've got a job. 636 00:31:11,240 --> 00:31:13,381 I'd go crackers stuck at home with two boys all day. 637 00:31:14,411 --> 00:31:16,356 - What do you do? - I'm a championship wrestler. 638 00:31:17,038 --> 00:31:18,038 What? 639 00:31:19,083 --> 00:31:21,974 No, I'm a chef manager, on a job share at the big school. 640 00:31:21,999 --> 00:31:23,825 1,200 pupils. 641 00:31:23,962 --> 00:31:25,009 It's hard work. 642 00:31:25,736 --> 00:31:29,317 So, Mr Tony Watts, now you know everything, you can ask me out. 643 00:31:29,665 --> 00:31:31,754 Oh, right, can I? 644 00:31:31,857 --> 00:31:33,293 Yes, you can. Hurry up! 645 00:31:33,885 --> 00:31:36,129 All right, well, erm, well, what do you fancy? 646 00:31:36,192 --> 00:31:37,903 Saturday night, does that work? 647 00:31:38,200 --> 00:31:39,809 Can you cook? I can cook. 648 00:31:39,877 --> 00:31:41,786 No, you spend all day in a canteen. 649 00:31:42,827 --> 00:31:44,934 I'll cook. I'll do it. 650 00:31:46,451 --> 00:31:47,981 Well, give me your address, then. 651 00:31:48,975 --> 00:31:49,975 Okay. 652 00:31:50,665 --> 00:31:52,281 Saturday night, eight? 653 00:31:52,741 --> 00:31:53,875 Eight o'clock it is. 654 00:31:59,375 --> 00:32:02,844 Here we are, my beanie boys. 655 00:32:03,478 --> 00:32:05,485 I'll make you a bacon sandwich later on. 656 00:32:05,510 --> 00:32:06,735 Beautiful, that'll do me. 657 00:32:06,929 --> 00:32:07,930 Thanks, Mur. 658 00:32:09,235 --> 00:32:10,966 I've been in that back bedroom, Gran. 659 00:32:10,991 --> 00:32:12,985 I can't paint it, it's too damp from the outside. 660 00:32:13,010 --> 00:32:14,471 You're going to need proper work done in there. 661 00:32:14,495 --> 00:32:17,721 Zinc! You just cover it over with zinc paint. 662 00:32:17,746 --> 00:32:20,463 I know, but that's not an option. This house needs money. 663 00:32:20,488 --> 00:32:21,854 It's held together by cobwebs. 664 00:32:21,987 --> 00:32:23,009 We'll manage. 665 00:32:23,498 --> 00:32:24,979 All will be well. 666 00:32:25,490 --> 00:32:27,002 Don't let me interrupt. 667 00:32:27,314 --> 00:32:29,979 You look very nice in dungarees, Ralph. 668 00:32:30,435 --> 00:32:31,462 Sexy. 669 00:32:31,815 --> 00:32:33,666 Oh, you cheeky thing! 670 00:32:37,732 --> 00:32:39,737 You do actually look quite hot in dungarees. 671 00:32:42,428 --> 00:32:44,205 Well, er, we can try 'em at home, hm? 672 00:32:45,748 --> 00:32:47,716 - Later. - Yeah, that'd be nice. 673 00:32:49,657 --> 00:32:50,715 It's about time. 674 00:32:51,951 --> 00:32:53,356 You're the one who works late. 675 00:32:53,381 --> 00:32:55,388 - Oh, forget I said anything. - Well... 676 00:32:55,688 --> 00:32:57,711 You're the one who's never off his phone. 677 00:32:57,759 --> 00:33:00,177 - Had to have the last word, didn't you? - Well, it's true. 678 00:33:01,416 --> 00:33:03,103 Did you read that link I sent you? 679 00:33:03,887 --> 00:33:06,142 - Er, no, not yet. - You see? 680 00:33:06,447 --> 00:33:08,434 Look, I'm sharing stuff, I'm trying. 681 00:33:09,251 --> 00:33:12,035 - You can join in more. - Okay, what does it say? 682 00:33:12,149 --> 00:33:16,329 It's amazing, like, it's this site that proves that germs don't exist. 683 00:33:16,583 --> 00:33:17,868 - Right. - Yeah. 684 00:33:18,251 --> 00:33:19,266 That's what it says. 685 00:33:19,470 --> 00:33:20,817 No such thing as germs. 686 00:33:21,087 --> 00:33:24,237 Whole thing, right, faked by the pharmaceutical industry. 687 00:33:24,262 --> 00:33:25,365 Right, well, that's bollocks. 688 00:33:25,389 --> 00:33:27,864 Don't do that, you'll be joining the Flat Earth Society next. 689 00:33:27,927 --> 00:33:31,277 - Now that stuff is fascinating. - Oh, no way. 690 00:33:31,410 --> 00:33:33,660 - Have you read it? - No, and I never will. 691 00:33:33,685 --> 00:33:35,696 Come on, that's a bit ignorant, don't you think? 692 00:33:35,806 --> 00:33:37,974 How's that going to help anyone, not reading something? 693 00:33:38,044 --> 00:33:40,210 You're not saying the world is flat, for God's sake, Ralph, 694 00:33:40,234 --> 00:33:42,771 you teach children, please don't say the world is flat. 695 00:33:42,796 --> 00:33:44,177 I'm not saying it is, 696 00:33:44,462 --> 00:33:46,279 I'm just keeping an open mind. 697 00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:48,873 - It's an option. - How? 698 00:33:49,380 --> 00:33:51,670 How is that an option? We've been to India. 699 00:33:51,893 --> 00:33:53,560 We've travelled halfway across the Earth. 700 00:33:53,670 --> 00:33:54,849 We've seen it. 701 00:33:55,391 --> 00:33:57,599 How do you think the horizon curves? 702 00:33:57,624 --> 00:34:00,631 We've seen it from a plane, there's a curve. 703 00:34:00,656 --> 00:34:02,056 That's what a disc would look like. 704 00:34:02,106 --> 00:34:03,514 All right, well, you've got GPS in your car. 705 00:34:03,538 --> 00:34:04,896 Yeah, with a flatscreen. 706 00:34:05,192 --> 00:34:07,818 The G stands for global. 707 00:34:07,843 --> 00:34:10,631 So? Apple computers aren't made from apples, are they? 708 00:34:11,764 --> 00:34:13,381 That's not even a thi... 709 00:34:13,524 --> 00:34:15,740 Look, look, I'm not saying I'm absolutely right, OK? 710 00:34:15,765 --> 00:34:17,818 Which means you can't say I'm absolutely wrong. 711 00:34:18,016 --> 00:34:19,696 Except you're never going to stop, are you? 712 00:34:19,942 --> 00:34:22,068 God help anyone trying to contradict you, Dan! 713 00:34:26,349 --> 00:34:28,966 I swear to God, it's like intelligence is going backwards. 714 00:34:28,991 --> 00:34:30,256 We're in reverse. 715 00:34:30,603 --> 00:34:34,623 If it's not the moon landings or 9/11, it's, I don't know, 716 00:34:34,648 --> 00:34:36,349 the Loch Ness Monster! 717 00:34:37,131 --> 00:34:40,224 The human race is getting more stupid right in front of our eyes. 718 00:34:40,249 --> 00:34:43,373 I mean, what do you do when your husband is too thick? 719 00:34:44,029 --> 00:34:45,975 You can ask Celeste, she's got a few theories about that. 720 00:34:45,999 --> 00:34:48,451 It's driving me mad. You know, it's not just Ralph, it's... 721 00:34:48,739 --> 00:34:50,045 ... it's everywhere. 722 00:34:50,141 --> 00:34:51,172 I know. 723 00:34:51,705 --> 00:34:53,411 It's like we went too far. 724 00:34:54,509 --> 00:34:56,059 We imagined too much. 725 00:34:56,248 --> 00:34:58,965 We sent all those probes into space 726 00:34:59,466 --> 00:35:01,723 and we went to the very edge of the solar system, 727 00:35:01,975 --> 00:35:04,145 built the Hadron Collider and the internet 728 00:35:04,482 --> 00:35:07,477 and we painted all those paintings and we wrote all those great songs 729 00:35:07,502 --> 00:35:09,754 and then, pop! 730 00:35:11,396 --> 00:35:14,384 Whatever we had, we punctured it. 731 00:35:15,541 --> 00:35:16,981 And now it's all collapsing. 732 00:35:18,899 --> 00:35:20,387 Well, nothing we can do. 733 00:35:21,403 --> 00:35:23,431 Our brains are devolving. 734 00:35:24,450 --> 00:35:25,871 Seriously, though, what if they are? 735 00:35:25,895 --> 00:35:27,512 Well, some species don't survive. 736 00:35:28,545 --> 00:35:30,754 Actually, all species don't survive in the end. 737 00:35:31,286 --> 00:35:33,208 How can you say that with kids? 738 00:35:33,233 --> 00:35:34,364 Tell me about it. 739 00:35:35,251 --> 00:35:37,739 I've got a daughter who wants to digitise herself 740 00:35:37,764 --> 00:35:40,699 and chuck her body away. I don't know. 741 00:35:40,965 --> 00:35:42,286 Downloading your brain... 742 00:35:42,475 --> 00:35:45,450 It can't actually be done though, can it? It's not real. 743 00:35:45,778 --> 00:35:47,981 - You're denying everything. - Oh, God. 744 00:35:48,353 --> 00:35:50,020 What's real? What's not? 745 00:35:50,274 --> 00:35:51,395 How do we know? 746 00:35:52,103 --> 00:35:53,637 - You okay? - Yeah. 747 00:35:54,674 --> 00:35:57,673 - Are you, though? - It's just work. 748 00:35:58,635 --> 00:36:00,861 Are those Ukrainians driving you mad? 749 00:36:01,681 --> 00:36:02,821 It's exactly that. 750 00:36:04,839 --> 00:36:07,416 Yes. That's exactly what it is. 751 00:36:09,967 --> 00:36:12,918 Ta-da! What do you think? Am I gorgeous? 752 00:36:12,943 --> 00:36:14,990 Don't all clap at once, thank you, fans. 753 00:36:14,991 --> 00:36:17,479 Stop faffing about. Head off, you're going to be late. 754 00:36:17,504 --> 00:36:19,846 Right. Behave for Lesley, you two. 755 00:36:19,871 --> 00:36:21,502 She's only on three quid an hour. 756 00:36:23,360 --> 00:36:26,104 We've got popcorn and Mike's universal password. 757 00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:27,393 We'll be fine. 758 00:36:27,418 --> 00:36:30,838 And if Mummy has a nice time with her friend and talks too much 759 00:36:30,863 --> 00:36:34,924 and falls asleep on his couch, uh, I'll see you in the morning. 760 00:36:35,418 --> 00:36:39,174 - Go Rosie! - Bye-bye. Woo! Woo! 761 00:36:40,923 --> 00:36:42,797 Do you know, there wasn't even a custody battle? 762 00:36:42,821 --> 00:36:44,488 - She was too drunk. - Hm. 763 00:36:44,582 --> 00:36:47,511 You know, I spent £500 on a lawyer and she didn't even turn up? 764 00:36:48,402 --> 00:36:51,002 But your little Milly's all right, though, she looks happy enough. 765 00:36:51,238 --> 00:36:53,480 - Yeah, she's amazing. Full of beans. - Ah. 766 00:36:54,379 --> 00:36:56,899 I've got to be honest, we're like best mates now, the two of us. 767 00:36:57,482 --> 00:36:59,105 Well, me, her and Keith. 768 00:36:59,830 --> 00:37:00,834 Who's Keith? 769 00:37:05,470 --> 00:37:07,769 Oh, my God, there he is! 770 00:37:08,247 --> 00:37:10,081 Keith, forward two feet. 771 00:37:14,234 --> 00:37:16,323 He's brilliant! Does he talk? 772 00:37:16,533 --> 00:37:19,568 Oh, only simple things. Hello, Keith. 773 00:37:19,858 --> 00:37:21,098 Hello, Tony. 774 00:37:21,826 --> 00:37:22,956 Freaks me out a bit. 775 00:37:22,981 --> 00:37:25,378 Ah, they keep telling us these things are going to 776 00:37:25,403 --> 00:37:28,589 rule the world, all he can do is fetch a can of pop out the fridge. 777 00:37:29,063 --> 00:37:32,102 But she loves him, though. Milly loves Keith, yes? 778 00:37:32,782 --> 00:37:34,534 Keith loves Milly. 779 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:40,261 And Milly's at your sister's, yeah? 780 00:37:45,919 --> 00:37:49,872 You okay? I mean, is there anything I should do or not do? 781 00:37:49,897 --> 00:37:51,145 Yeah, just get on with it. 782 00:37:54,710 --> 00:37:56,473 But, have you got a condom? 783 00:37:57,087 --> 00:37:58,302 Yeah, don't worry. 784 00:37:58,420 --> 00:37:59,460 I'm fully equipped. 785 00:38:04,682 --> 00:38:06,354 - Oh, what was that? - What? 786 00:38:10,486 --> 00:38:11,486 That? 787 00:38:12,704 --> 00:38:13,767 It's just a thing. 788 00:38:14,229 --> 00:38:16,029 Yeah, I know it is but what do you do with it? 789 00:38:18,600 --> 00:38:20,033 I get lonely, you know. 790 00:38:22,066 --> 00:38:23,229 Oh, my God. 791 00:38:38,063 --> 00:38:39,596 Orifice open. 792 00:38:39,621 --> 00:38:42,289 Honestly, I was only mucking about! Oh, don't now, Rosie. 793 00:38:42,568 --> 00:38:45,492 - Come back to bed. - You have sex with your robot! 794 00:38:45,807 --> 00:38:49,138 Oh, my God! No way! 795 00:38:49,287 --> 00:38:51,958 Oh, shut up, it's not funny. 796 00:38:52,071 --> 00:38:55,036 But... it's a robot called Keith. 797 00:38:55,061 --> 00:38:56,130 Hello, Tony. 798 00:38:56,451 --> 00:38:57,575 Not now, Keith. 799 00:39:00,999 --> 00:39:03,296 - So, did you stay? - No, I did not. 800 00:39:03,321 --> 00:39:05,928 I said, thank you very much, Tony Watts, and got out. 801 00:39:05,985 --> 00:39:10,444 - Ah. You could have had Keith instead. - I bet Keith has got attachments. 802 00:39:11,529 --> 00:39:14,641 - Oh, you'd love that, wouldn't ya? - Well, I'd give it a go. 803 00:39:14,666 --> 00:39:15,666 What was it? 804 00:39:15,928 --> 00:39:18,356 - Uh, robot sex thing. - Ah. 805 00:39:20,559 --> 00:39:24,849 Oh, so, listen, I was thinking, what we get Gran for her birthday? 806 00:39:24,889 --> 00:39:28,074 'Cos I saw it advertised, the Gypsy Kings. 807 00:39:28,975 --> 00:39:30,872 - Do you think? - Are they still going? 808 00:39:31,047 --> 00:39:33,935 Oh, they are immortal. Oh, she's on. 809 00:39:34,061 --> 00:39:38,178 Are we ready? Are we? Ah, hope it works. 810 00:39:38,203 --> 00:39:40,773 The movement known as the Four Start Party intends to field 811 00:39:40,798 --> 00:39:42,950 a minimum of 17 MPs at the... 812 00:39:42,975 --> 00:39:47,553 Have you seen the TV? She's formed her own party, that monster. 813 00:39:47,639 --> 00:39:49,131 We haven't got a TV any more. 814 00:39:50,783 --> 00:39:52,778 My first-ever front page. 815 00:39:52,904 --> 00:39:54,725 What's me mother going to say? 816 00:39:55,459 --> 00:39:57,930 We are calling it the Four Star Party, 817 00:39:58,521 --> 00:40:04,748 in honour of my little faux pas on live TV all those years ago. 818 00:40:06,125 --> 00:40:11,602 And the censorship that I have faced ever since on the fake news media. 819 00:40:12,764 --> 00:40:18,250 But we are four stars, we are four stars striving to be five. 820 00:40:18,612 --> 00:40:22,282 That's what we represent, ambition, 821 00:40:22,891 --> 00:40:26,063 the ambition of the ordinary man and woman. 822 00:40:26,690 --> 00:40:29,071 The people abandoned by the parties of old. 823 00:40:29,533 --> 00:40:32,520 How can she launch a political party? She ain't even an MP. 824 00:40:32,553 --> 00:40:33,579 You don't have to be. 825 00:40:34,286 --> 00:40:37,321 We could launch a party right now, but we don't, cos we can't be arsed. 826 00:40:37,346 --> 00:40:40,127 Labour is dead. The Tories are dead. 827 00:40:40,408 --> 00:40:41,861 The Liberal Democrats are dead. 828 00:40:41,886 --> 00:40:43,486 And then we complain about people who do. 829 00:40:44,180 --> 00:40:45,252 Well, at least she's trying. 830 00:40:45,276 --> 00:40:48,596 And the Four Start party is bursting with life. 831 00:40:49,165 --> 00:40:51,768 - I'd vote for her. - Don't you dare! 832 00:40:52,409 --> 00:40:53,761 Four Stars! 833 00:40:54,095 --> 00:40:56,922 The crisis over Hong Sha Dao continues to worsen... 834 00:40:56,947 --> 00:41:00,243 Do you understand this thing with China? Is it real? 835 00:41:00,524 --> 00:41:02,454 Oh, it's just America going nuts. 836 00:41:02,479 --> 00:41:04,978 You know, their elections get madder and madder. 837 00:41:05,353 --> 00:41:06,915 So, the Gypsy Kings, yeah? 838 00:41:07,243 --> 00:41:09,564 Tell you what, if we get two tickets can I have the other one? 839 00:41:09,588 --> 00:41:10,588 No. 840 00:41:11,381 --> 00:41:14,165 Tensions are rising in the stand-off between the US 841 00:41:14,190 --> 00:41:17,383 and China over the disputed territory of Hong Sha Dao. 842 00:41:17,561 --> 00:41:20,305 President Trump has announced a new round of sanctions 843 00:41:20,330 --> 00:41:24,269 and has upped the stakes by tweeting that America will never back down. 844 00:41:24,379 --> 00:41:27,016 We have breakfast tomorrow, then we go first thing. 845 00:41:27,157 --> 00:41:28,164 No Sunday lunch. 846 00:41:28,454 --> 00:41:29,876 Got that, all of you? 847 00:41:31,306 --> 00:41:33,290 Oh, here comes the dragon lady. 848 00:41:33,588 --> 00:41:35,259 Prepare for danger. Stand by. 849 00:41:35,284 --> 00:41:37,159 I'm just trying to listen. This whole thing's gone a bit mad. 850 00:41:37,183 --> 00:41:39,908 Well, you bring us all this way, now you can deal with her. 851 00:41:40,298 --> 00:41:41,298 Hi! 852 00:41:42,044 --> 00:41:43,564 Happy birthday. 853 00:41:44,352 --> 00:41:47,017 Hello. We did it! We made it! 854 00:41:47,247 --> 00:41:50,822 Well, don't make it sound like such an effort. Not on my behalf. 855 00:41:51,095 --> 00:41:53,290 Aw, you don't look a day over 900. 856 00:41:54,520 --> 00:41:57,119 - Hey, hey, hey! How was it? - Hello. Hi. 857 00:41:57,744 --> 00:41:59,597 - Fine, good. No problem. - Hello. 858 00:41:59,986 --> 00:42:02,572 - Are you putting on weight? - Ha. I told him that! 859 00:42:02,713 --> 00:42:04,618 I married the wrong brother. Come here! 860 00:42:04,643 --> 00:42:06,462 Now, Stephen has been busy. 861 00:42:06,619 --> 00:42:08,618 He's made that cake with the white frosting. 862 00:42:08,643 --> 00:42:10,212 Oooh! 863 00:42:10,237 --> 00:42:11,917 And he's made that one with crystallised ginger 864 00:42:11,941 --> 00:42:12,980 'cause everyone liked that. 865 00:42:13,004 --> 00:42:15,385 - Ah, little Susie Homemaker. - That's me. 866 00:42:15,549 --> 00:42:19,073 And I bought gluten free rolls, Bethany, just for you. 867 00:42:19,967 --> 00:42:23,464 OK, but... Uh, she's not gluten free any more. 868 00:42:23,572 --> 00:42:24,925 It's a misdiagnosis. 869 00:42:25,157 --> 00:42:27,222 Turns out it's misdiagnosis for most of the world. 870 00:42:27,423 --> 00:42:29,089 What we thought was gluten intolerance, 871 00:42:29,114 --> 00:42:30,644 turns out to be fructose intolerance. 872 00:42:30,783 --> 00:42:33,323 It's this, um, sugar chain thing. 873 00:42:33,756 --> 00:42:35,355 Uh, that's what they're saying, anyway. 874 00:42:35,729 --> 00:42:40,112 Well, I wouldn't know in my little kitchen in Manchester. 875 00:42:40,709 --> 00:42:44,214 Perhaps if you visited me more than once a year, I would know better. 876 00:42:44,239 --> 00:42:47,425 - Hey, I was here two months ago. - I was talking to your wife. 877 00:43:10,731 --> 00:43:12,043 You little idiot. 878 00:43:15,928 --> 00:43:17,707 But it is an emergency. 879 00:43:18,215 --> 00:43:20,129 We've got four days left of this presidency, 880 00:43:20,154 --> 00:43:22,449 four days in which he can do anything he likes. 881 00:43:22,678 --> 00:43:24,366 But America won't back down, 882 00:43:24,554 --> 00:43:26,983 and China's made it clear they won't back down. 883 00:43:27,094 --> 00:43:28,646 So what do you think is going to happen? 884 00:43:28,670 --> 00:43:31,108 The situation is running out of control. 885 00:43:35,959 --> 00:43:39,601 Here we are. Bit burnt. That's all part of the experience. 886 00:43:40,205 --> 00:43:41,605 Now, these ones over here are lamb. 887 00:43:42,407 --> 00:43:43,533 They eat so much meat. 888 00:43:43,558 --> 00:43:44,971 It's like we married Henry the Eighth. 889 00:43:44,995 --> 00:43:46,526 I am freezing. 890 00:43:46,580 --> 00:43:49,213 It's all right for Muriel, her nerve endings died in 1976. 891 00:43:50,807 --> 00:43:52,874 There you go! Birthday feast. 892 00:43:53,158 --> 00:43:55,729 Come on then, Gran. Let's have the speech. 893 00:43:55,754 --> 00:43:57,418 "I remember when all this was Woolworths." 894 00:43:58,269 --> 00:44:00,870 Well, I do. I loved that shop. 895 00:44:01,502 --> 00:44:04,316 I used to buy 45 inch singles there. 896 00:44:04,975 --> 00:44:08,457 That was back in the day, when we still had butterflies. 897 00:44:08,486 --> 00:44:10,644 When did you last see one of those? 898 00:44:10,885 --> 00:44:14,660 Although, I'll tell you one thing we didn't have, tsunamis. 899 00:44:15,494 --> 00:44:18,017 What? Don't be daft. What do you mean? 900 00:44:18,194 --> 00:44:22,017 No, we didn't. We had earthquakes, but that was it. 901 00:44:22,321 --> 00:44:25,876 The tsunami is an entirely modern invention. 902 00:44:26,237 --> 00:44:27,308 I love it. 903 00:44:27,521 --> 00:44:30,662 - Here's to you, Gran. Everyone. - Happy birthday, Muriel. 904 00:44:30,687 --> 00:44:32,959 Hey, did I tell you? Dad's moved house. 905 00:44:33,525 --> 00:44:35,974 It looks nice, online. It's off the main road. 906 00:44:36,334 --> 00:44:37,474 Well, good for him. 907 00:44:38,251 --> 00:44:40,178 And that's an end to it, don't you think? 908 00:44:40,247 --> 00:44:41,388 Oh, be fair, though. 909 00:44:41,576 --> 00:44:44,646 He's been with Jacqueline for, what? Decades now. 910 00:44:45,364 --> 00:44:48,037 And she's quite nice. Maybe we should invite them next year. 911 00:44:48,337 --> 00:44:52,584 I said that's an end to it, and anybody who disagrees 912 00:44:52,609 --> 00:44:55,334 is quite welcome to leave and go back to London. 913 00:44:56,989 --> 00:45:00,771 Hey, did you hear? Ruby's been telling us about her porn class. 914 00:45:00,796 --> 00:45:02,467 - What? - No way. Seriously? 915 00:45:02,492 --> 00:45:04,194 You don't actually have a porn class. 916 00:45:04,219 --> 00:45:06,921 No, it's called Sexual Awareness Image And Control. 917 00:45:06,946 --> 00:45:09,389 Well, they get taught pornography from the age of 11. 918 00:45:09,414 --> 00:45:12,515 It's official. It's compulsory, they need it! 919 00:45:12,828 --> 00:45:15,749 Compulsory porn, woo! Love it. 920 00:45:15,774 --> 00:45:18,882 You're on the list. Category 15. 921 00:45:18,907 --> 00:45:22,195 Middle aged gay male, likely to mock boundaries 922 00:45:22,220 --> 00:45:24,648 and force sexual references into my orbit. 923 00:45:25,219 --> 00:45:27,958 - Aye, Danny! - Bang on I'd say. 924 00:45:27,983 --> 00:45:30,118 Congratulations, Dan, you're on the syllabus. 925 00:45:30,143 --> 00:45:32,485 Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise you had an "orbit". 926 00:45:32,510 --> 00:45:34,157 Danny! 927 00:46:07,858 --> 00:46:11,207 - Hi. - Oh, no way. It's Edith. 928 00:46:11,232 --> 00:46:12,946 - Hi, hiya. - Where are you? 929 00:46:12,947 --> 00:46:14,974 - We're all here. We're in the garden. - Are you okay, Gran? 930 00:46:14,975 --> 00:46:17,958 - You remembered my birthday. - Have you heard the news? 931 00:46:17,959 --> 00:46:20,806 We bought Gran Gypsy King tickets, so you can pay for a quarter. 932 00:46:20,831 --> 00:46:23,533 Yeah, you're missing out. We're all being categorised. 933 00:46:24,540 --> 00:46:27,314 - Are you all right, darling? - I'm fine, I'm fine. 934 00:46:27,339 --> 00:46:31,157 I think. I don't know. I don't... I don't know if it matters any more. 935 00:46:31,234 --> 00:46:34,015 - Where are you? - Uh, Vietnam. 936 00:46:34,040 --> 00:46:37,452 On the coast, just down from Ho Chi Minh City. 937 00:46:37,822 --> 00:46:38,913 Oh, all right for some. 938 00:46:38,938 --> 00:46:41,187 We came here to protest, but too late. 939 00:46:41,212 --> 00:46:44,624 It's only just over there, Hong Sha Dao. 940 00:46:44,918 --> 00:46:46,757 Is that on the island thing? 941 00:46:46,952 --> 00:46:49,210 For God's sake, Gran, don't you watch the news? 942 00:46:49,235 --> 00:46:50,663 I send you a link every day. 943 00:46:50,887 --> 00:46:53,906 Hong Sha Dao is an artificial island. 944 00:46:53,931 --> 00:46:57,890 It's built by the Chinese, population 26,000, 945 00:46:57,915 --> 00:46:58,978 but it's more than that. 946 00:46:58,979 --> 00:47:01,383 It's a military base with nuclear weapons. 947 00:47:01,408 --> 00:47:02,844 That's what America says. 948 00:47:02,869 --> 00:47:05,079 It was on the radio this morning. Why? What's happened? 949 00:47:23,787 --> 00:47:25,876 Is that siren with you or us? 950 00:47:26,212 --> 00:47:28,900 - It's here. - Cos it's here as well. 951 00:47:29,770 --> 00:47:30,825 What does it mean? 952 00:47:30,944 --> 00:47:33,141 They've... They've launched a missile. 953 00:47:34,102 --> 00:47:36,508 - Who has? China? - Uh, America. 954 00:47:36,533 --> 00:47:41,273 They fired a nuclear missile at Hong Sha. 955 00:47:41,404 --> 00:47:42,891 - You're kidding. - Oh, my God. 956 00:47:43,654 --> 00:47:46,747 He did it, Donald Trump did it in his final days of office. 957 00:47:46,939 --> 00:47:51,685 But... we haven't got sirens, have we? Where is that coming from? 958 00:47:52,477 --> 00:47:54,251 We don't have sirens, we just, we just don't. 959 00:47:54,276 --> 00:47:56,454 - We're not at war, are we? - Are they firing at us? 960 00:47:56,572 --> 00:47:57,572 Of course they aren't. 961 00:47:57,597 --> 00:47:58,778 Yeah, but China and America, if they go to war, 962 00:47:58,802 --> 00:47:59,951 we're directly in the middle aren't we? 963 00:47:59,975 --> 00:48:01,513 We're not in the middle, we're not even on the edge, 964 00:48:01,537 --> 00:48:03,192 they'd fire over the Pacific, not over us. 965 00:48:03,217 --> 00:48:05,272 That is a four-minute warning. Don't tell me nothing's happening, 966 00:48:05,296 --> 00:48:07,828 - I can hear a four-minute warning! - TV. There's a thing on TV! 967 00:48:07,853 --> 00:48:10,570 This is a broadcast on behalf of His Majesty's Government. 968 00:48:11,958 --> 00:48:14,242 It has been announced by the Prime Minister that 969 00:48:14,267 --> 00:48:16,071 the United Kingdom of Great Britain 970 00:48:16,096 --> 00:48:18,290 and Northern Ireland has been placed 971 00:48:18,315 --> 00:48:23,095 on an official war footing, as of 17.15 this afternoon. 972 00:48:23,289 --> 00:48:26,220 - Excuse me! - Come on, Gran. Come on! 973 00:48:30,623 --> 00:48:32,662 ... miles from mainland China. 974 00:48:33,591 --> 00:48:38,301 The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile 975 00:48:38,326 --> 00:48:40,280 at the disputed Chinese territory... 976 00:48:40,305 --> 00:48:42,254 - Who is he? - All channels are the same. 977 00:48:42,462 --> 00:48:45,519 He's not an official newsreader, is he? I've never seen him before. 978 00:48:45,545 --> 00:48:46,785 What, do you think it's a hoax? 979 00:48:47,021 --> 00:48:48,608 Well, he's right, it's on every channel. 980 00:48:48,632 --> 00:48:51,936 Are we at war? Does this mean we're at war? Great Britain? 981 00:48:51,961 --> 00:48:52,961 I don't know. 982 00:48:52,986 --> 00:48:56,243 ... is a UGM-133A Trident II D-5... 983 00:48:56,268 --> 00:48:58,627 - Did he say Trident? - That us! That's us, isn't it? 984 00:48:58,652 --> 00:49:00,934 Oh, my God, that's us! Edith, is that us? Does Trident mean us? 985 00:49:00,958 --> 00:49:02,552 Are we the only ones with Trident missiles? 986 00:49:02,576 --> 00:49:03,887 - I don't know. - Or have they used us? 987 00:49:03,911 --> 00:49:04,946 - I don't know. - Is that what they've done? 988 00:49:04,947 --> 00:49:06,716 - Have America used us? - Stephen, I don't know. 989 00:49:06,740 --> 00:49:08,724 They're going to shoot it down, the Chinese, it's not going to land. 990 00:49:08,748 --> 00:49:10,935 They shoot these missiles down all the time, it's what they do. 991 00:49:10,959 --> 00:49:12,622 The United Kingdom of Great Britain 992 00:49:12,647 --> 00:49:14,935 and Northern Ireland has been placed 993 00:49:14,960 --> 00:49:19,577 on an official war footing, as of 17:15 this afternoon. 994 00:49:20,903 --> 00:49:25,124 The United States of America has launched a nuclear missile 995 00:49:25,375 --> 00:49:27,500 at the disputed Chinese territory 996 00:49:27,525 --> 00:49:30,712 of Hong Sha Dao in the South China Sea... 997 00:49:30,737 --> 00:49:36,096 and artificial island, 760 miles from Mainland China 998 00:49:36,416 --> 00:49:38,420 What does that mean? Is it over? 999 00:49:41,156 --> 00:49:42,215 Is that it? 1000 00:49:42,443 --> 00:49:44,677 It was, it was just a warning, you know, like a test. 1001 00:49:44,702 --> 00:49:45,702 They were testing it. 1002 00:49:45,727 --> 00:49:47,388 No, it doesn't stop cos it's over. 1003 00:49:48,591 --> 00:49:52,106 It's like in the war films, the siren doesn't keep going throughout 1004 00:49:52,131 --> 00:49:55,099 the air raid, it just warns you and then it stops and then... 1005 00:49:57,067 --> 00:49:58,228 The bombs hit. 1006 00:49:59,869 --> 00:50:00,873 Yeah. 1007 00:50:06,204 --> 00:50:09,317 - Where are you going, Danny? - Danny, where are you going? 1008 00:50:09,731 --> 00:50:11,976 Thank God, cos if this is the end of the world, 1009 00:50:12,001 --> 00:50:13,921 I don't want to see it with that lot, no offence. 1010 00:50:21,575 --> 00:50:22,629 Let me in, then. 1011 00:50:23,564 --> 00:50:25,445 What are you doing? Daniel? 1012 00:50:28,211 --> 00:50:31,235 Don't you dare! Danny! Danny! 1013 00:50:34,818 --> 00:50:37,680 I knew it. Oh, my God, I knew it! 1014 00:50:39,728 --> 00:50:42,148 How long does it take for the missiles to arrive? 1015 00:50:42,173 --> 00:50:45,430 I've said, we don't know where it's launched from, 1016 00:50:45,455 --> 00:50:48,172 so we don't know how long it takes. 1017 00:50:48,197 --> 00:50:49,922 We should be safe in this house. 1018 00:50:50,141 --> 00:50:52,336 We've got our very own little Chinaman. 1019 00:50:52,974 --> 00:50:55,648 - They'll leave us alone. - For God's sake, Gran. 1020 00:50:56,224 --> 00:50:58,903 - What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing. 1021 00:50:59,959 --> 00:51:02,974 - No, what does that mean? - Nothing. 1022 00:51:03,153 --> 00:51:06,340 What the fuck is that supposed to mean, you stupid old woman? 1023 00:51:14,482 --> 00:51:16,682 Do you know what, I think a false alarm will do us good? 1024 00:51:16,876 --> 00:51:20,247 Cos we let America get away with all that sabre-rattling and 1025 00:51:20,607 --> 00:51:22,676 now China is just as much to blame and... 1026 00:51:26,008 --> 00:51:28,571 Edith. Edith, can you hear me? 1027 00:51:36,666 --> 00:51:37,837 Oh, shit. 1028 00:51:43,832 --> 00:51:49,298 We can confirm a nuclear device has detonated on the island 1029 00:51:49,323 --> 00:51:54,087 of Hong Sha Dao, at 17.53 Greenwich meantime, 1030 00:51:54,112 --> 00:51:58,682 02.53 within the region of the South China Sea. 1031 00:51:58,707 --> 00:52:01,432 - But where's Edith? - Vietnam. 1032 00:52:01,909 --> 00:52:03,160 How close is that? 1033 00:52:03,979 --> 00:52:05,703 - Stephen? Where's Vietnam - I don't know. 1034 00:52:05,728 --> 00:52:07,221 - compared to China? How close, is she? - Just... Just... 1035 00:52:07,245 --> 00:52:08,376 What if they fire back? 1036 00:52:08,401 --> 00:52:10,411 - All right. Rosie, just listen... - What if they fire back? 1037 00:52:10,435 --> 00:52:11,555 Everybody calm down, please. 1038 00:52:48,552 --> 00:52:51,700 - Stephen, what do we do? - Celeste, how the hell do I know?! 1039 00:52:52,700 --> 00:52:54,727 Bomb the Chinese! Blow them to bits! 1040 00:52:54,939 --> 00:52:56,236 I'm not in charge! 1041 00:52:57,459 --> 00:52:58,827 You can be whatever you want to be. 1042 00:52:58,851 --> 00:53:00,851 Do you hear me? You can be whatever you want to be. 1043 00:54:07,987 --> 00:54:11,229 Just listen to the man. Rosie, will you control him please. 1044 00:54:11,254 --> 00:54:12,401 Don't have a go at me. 1045 00:54:12,426 --> 00:54:14,269 Stephen, can you just stop shout... 1046 00:54:49,063 --> 00:54:50,138 What happens now? 1047 00:54:50,788 --> 00:54:52,796 What happens now? What happens now?! 1048 00:55:00,704 --> 00:55:02,306 Did you know you can live forever? 1049 00:55:21,552 --> 00:55:24,209 Are you with me? 1050 00:55:24,234 --> 00:55:27,304 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com