So, Paul, we're on a steam train.
What does that mean? I think it means it's Christmas.
It's the Christmas show, yeah. Yeah.
But it's not very Christmassy out there, Bob.
Yeah, well, it isn't, but it's the Christmas show.
Right. WHISTLE BLOWS
Do you know where we're heading? Um...
I'll tell you where we're heading.
We're heading to the centre of Christmas this year.
Oh, right, and who decides where it's centred?
Me, of course. HE CHUCKLES
Silly of me. Of course it's you, isn't it?
Do you know where it might be?
Give us a clue. Ted's got a little hint.
Oh, right, OK.
It's a Cornish pasty, we're going to Cornwall.
Wow, nice!
We're going to actually, on our way to Cornwall,
fish on a beautiful river called the River Lyd in Devon.
Then we'll be fishing in Cornwall. Brilliant. Yeah?
We've got the awards ceremony, special Christmas dinner,
some beautiful accommodation for our Cornish Christmas adventure.
Oh, lovely. WHISTLE BLOWS
This carriage is called a Pullman carriage, fancy.
Yeah, was the personal carriage of Winston Churchill.
And it was in this carriage that he had a meeting with
General Eisenhower to discuss the D-Day landings.
We might be in their seats.
I'll be Churchill,
because he's facing forward.
AS CHURCHILL: I've got you, haven't I, you silly yank?
AMERICAN: Did you call me a silly egg?
No, no, no, no, no, no. THEY LAUGH
TED BARKS
Come, Ted. Good boy.
TED VOICE:I didn't want to come to Devon,
you told me we was going to Cornwall.
We're on our way to Cornwall, Ted. Drag me down some muggy old river.
What's the matter with you, Mortimer?
And the other one, I forgot his name, to be honest.
So this is it, Paul. Yeah. The River Lyd.
Yeah, beautiful, ain't it, Bob?
I'll start down there, you get in there, yeah?
Righty-oh. What are we fishing for though?
Well, trout and sea trout as well.
Look, we've got one of those views, Paul, through there.
Oh, we have, it's a portal, ain't it?
It's a portal to the who knows what? To the Magic Kingdom.
Yeah.Right. Let's do it.
Do you have roast potatoes
and mashed potatoes with your Christmas dinner, Paul?
I would if I was offered it.
You know, in Cornwall? Yeah.
They like to have a bit of fish.
Really? What are they, French?
Turbot or halibut, that sort of thing.
Oh, yeah, nice.
Aargh!
Are you caught again?
Oh, thank God.
You get it? Yeah.
Would you describe me as fat?
No.
I'm overweight, but you'd say there's a fat bloke over there.
Not really, Bob, you've got a sort of big round head, haven't you?
But you're not fat, no.
Oh... BLEEP
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay!
Oh, Bob. You all right, mate?
I'm absolutely fine, but I'm wet.
It was a bit cold as well, weren't it?
Fat and wet.
Lucky you had that layer of blubber there for buoyancy.
Bloody hell, Bob, you all right? Yeah, no, I'm fine.
Go on, go and sort yourself out.
Did you hurt yourself going in? I took a bit of a bang on the, um...
On the rump.
On the rump! I've got one rump and one buttock.
Have you? Unusual, isn't it?
It is very unusual.
Oh, man.
I'll tell you what with Christmas this year, Paul,
here's a little thing for you. Oh, yeah, go on.
I don't think my Christmases will ever be the same.
Yeah?
Last Christmas, on Christmas Day, grandad,
my father-in-law, was in hospital. Yeah.
And so on Christmas Day, me and my son took him his present.
It was a nice little steam train calendar.
Oh, yeah. But when we got there, he was fast asleep
and he couldn't be roused, so we just said "Happy Christmas" to him.
And took the present back?
No, we gave him the present for when he woke up and that.
Yeah. And then when we got home there was a phone call from the ward
and he died by the time we got home.
We sort of thought to ourselves, me and Tom, my son,
that maybe, just maybe, he heard us say "Happy Christmas".
Yeah. And then say goodbye.
Yeah. And he thought, all right, I'll turn off now, then.
That was nice. It's possible, ain't it?
It's possible.
You know maybe.On Christmas Day? On Christmas Day.
He liked steam engines and he liked beer.
There's plenty of them about, isn't there?
That's a man, isn't it? Yeah.
Rod Stewart, he likes steam engines and beer, doesn't he?
Yeah.Apparently.
It's a type, innit?It IS a type.
That's too close in, I think.
Oh...
I'm in, Bob. You're in? You're in?
Yep. What were you thinking, little trout?
No, it's not so little and I don't know what it is yet.
HE CHUCKLES Well done, man.
First Christmas catch.
Think it's a grayling.
Yes, it's... I think it's a grayling, yeah.
It is a grayling. It's a nice one as well.
Oh, Bob, look at him.
Go on. Get him.
Yes! Oh, Paul, it's a whopper.
That is the biggest one we've ever caught.
It is, isn't it? Look at that.
See this fin? Cor! That's a beauty, ain't it?
Right. Let's get him back. Beautiful creature.
# Beautiful creature. #
There you go.And...away.
Well done, Paul.God, it's cold, that water, ain't it?
Lovely.
Are we having a cup of tea, darling? Yes, I'd love a cup of tea.
I've got some special treats.
Have you? Christmas treats for you. Oh, nice.
So this is me Christmas spread.
Wow, look at that!
Yule log, Gingerbread man, that one's me, that one's you.
Oh, OK. Obviously.
Look what I've got here, Paul.
Ooh! Mince pies heating by the camping stove.
Oh-ho-ho!
Come on, Teddy. It's nothing to do with you, Ted.
TED VOICE:It's everything to do with me.
Yeah, but it is! Yeah, but it isn't.
No, it's nothing to do with you. BOTH: Yeah, but it is.
Nicely judged, Mr Mince Pie, as they call you.
It's really heated through well, isn't it?
There you go, Teddy. I have got some cream.
Stop, whoa. Ted, do you want a bit of squirty cream?
I wonder if you squirted it into his mouth he'd just keep going?
And he'd grow out a bit... And then...
Exactly!
I'll have a go.You're going to fish with a nymph, right.
Where there's one grayling... There's more. That's more.
Yeah. Just mind those that those berries, right?
Ooh, that's beautiful, you lucky sod.
Right, keep go on that's it, keep that line off the water.
Track it down.
Give that little line a mend, that's it, like that, that's good.
Another...
Oh, Bob, Bob! Oh, nice!
That's good fish, Bob. It's a good fish!
I know it's a good fish, I can see it is.
I think you might have a sea trout there or a big grayling.
It's a good fish!
Go on, then, try and get it on the reel.
But mainly keep contact.
OK. So now don't wind. That's good fish, Bob.
I'm on the reel!
Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Hee-hee-hee!
Right, you can wind a little bit. Go on.
Have you got the net? Yeah.
I haven't even seen it yet, Bob, have you?
No. It's too big to see! LAUGHS
It's a massive trout! All right.
Oh, please don't go.
Come on.Come on, come on.
We've got to get this fish, come on.
Oh, yes! Boom! Boom! Ha-ha! Look at the size of him!
Wow!
That's a lovely sea trout, Bob.
Look at it. Look at him.
I think we're talking records here, Paul.
I'm going to get onto the mayor. Oh, we're going to get him back.
Yeah. What a magnificent fish.
Well done, Bob!
Hold him till he's ready.
I think he'll be gone soon, but...
And away!
Not going to get better than that, Paul.No, it ain't, Bob.
Let's go to the accommodation. OK.
Our first Christmas accommodation. Fair play. Fair play.
Thank you for that, sir. Well done, mate.
I don't know if I can move really, but...
Oh, there's a big lump here and I don't mean me.
Hey...
Right.
Oh, that sea trout, Paul.
Yeah. That's going to haunt you for years.
He tugged you, didn't he, hey? Blimey.
You're never going to let it lie, are you?
Never.No.
I thought for Christmas I'd bring you somewhere
so special it would rip your heart out of your body, cleanse it
and return it fully functioning. Cor! Well, let's hope so.
It doesn't half need a bit of an upgrade, Bob, really.
Cos this place is gorgeous.
Is that the sea?
And to your right here, Camel Quarry House.
Oh! Look at that!
Well, thank you, Bob.
Our best yet.
It's a beauty.Could be!
Cornish beauty, come on.
BOTH: Whoa!
Telly, tick, come on, see the bedrooms.
Go on them, up you go, you spritely old fella.
I'm going to take a chance on a...left.
Oh, this one is very me, Paul.
I've chosen.
But I'll join you on your quest. Come on.
Yes!
Oh, I've made a terrible mistake, Paul.You have, Bob.
Feel free to enjoy the view for about eight seconds.
Eight seconds is not enough. THEY LAUGH
Come on, Bob you've seen enough.
You've got the best room! Come on, come on, out!
Upstairs.OK.
Ooh...
BOTH: Whoa!
Boom!
Yeah, boom, bang a-bang, boom.
Isn't that something? Wow!
I feel like we've arrived.
Because that is Cornwall.
That's the Camel Estuary. Yeah, at its most beautiful.
Writ large, ain't it?
Got a special guest coming soon, any minute now, in fact.
So behave yourself. Can you get rid of your windy pops now?
Do you like the look of this, Paul? Char-cute-tree is what they call it.
Charcuterie, oh, I get it. Charcuterie.
That's Ted's dog biscuits and a bit of cheese.
Oh, right. Did he do that?
Absolutely, yeah.
# My Lord is my shepherd
# I shall not want
# He maketh me to lie down... #
Ching-ching-ching! Oh, who could it be?
Ching-ching-ching!
Here comes Christmas!
Oh, thank you for coming.
Noddy Holder!
Hello.Hello! Hello, love.
Hi, there. How are you? Yeah, I'm all right, darling.
Could you come on that side actually, at the same time?
I just want to be in a sort of sandwich.
Oh, that's lovely.
A couple of chunks, you are. Hunky chunks.
What have you brought? Do you want to see what this is? Go on, then.
My husband has made you this.
It's a cake. Yes.
It's a fruit cake - sultana and cherries with icing on the top,
because what he knows about you two...
I mean he likes you, but I like you more.
He knows that both of you are on my "I'm allowed to" list.
No. You are kidding? Yeah.
Let's get to it.Come on!
But it is only if he's conked.
Oh, right, OK. And if you were both single, which you're not.
Yeah, so it's not going to happen. No, it's not, is it? No.
But you know... So we've got a cake in lieu, have we?
Yeah, you have. OK, fair play.
I'll bring this over.Right, come on. You coming, Ted?
So this is Cornwall, this is your parish?
Yeah, well, it's a tricky one for me, this,
because half of my family are from Devon.
Boo!Oh! And half are from Cornwall.
So...Boo! Oh, no, sorry, hooray! Hooray.
So I'm sort of dual heritage.
It's a bit War of the Roses kinda...
You're quite synonymous with Christmas.
Well, I suppose so. I suppose so. The three Christmas dinners.
Yeah, yeah. Cor! Did you actually really eat three Christmas dinners?
You know how they make telly. I ate one Brussels sprout...
You're joking me! ..in that whole thing.
You've broken his heart! Oh! What, it ain't real?
Dawn, will you ever do another Dibley, do you think? No?
There's... There's only one person left, Bob.
There's only James left out of the whole cast, imagine that.
That's what happens when you start a sitcom with older people.
Yeah.Bob gone fishing on his own.
Yeah. Laughing at my demise. No, not necessarily on your own, Bob.
I'm here.
I'm not great at Christmas, you know.
It's not that I don't like it.
I think as I've got older and I've lost people in my family,
I find Christmas when you're supposed to be jolly, too much.
Yeah.So I get a bit melancholy just before Christmas.
But then I... Every single Christmas,
there is a proper Christmas miracle
where I... And it might just be that I, you know,
get myself out of a grump because it's not fair on everybody else.
But I actually do cheer up by Christmas Day.
By Christmas Day.Oh, that's good.
But the week before I can have a bit of a slump.
I think the weird thing for me is that Christmas takes you back
to childhood and so I miss my mum and dad at Christmas. Yeah.
Can I offer you anything? Yeah, you can.
I'll have a bit of salami.
Do you know what? I'll move it over, Dawn.
Thank you. Ted? Ted? Here, look, look what I've got.
Ted? Try this, Ted, look.
There we go.
Oh, the underbite's working hard on that!
Cornwall the most beautiful county, Dawn?
Oh, yes.
No question.
And can I just say - jam first always, no exceptions.
Just leave it at that. Well, I do agree.
I don't think you can consider cream a butter.
Correct, Bob. I'm not getting drawn in on this.
Cream is the crown.
Do you fancy staying for a game of Mouse Trap, Dawn?
Um, no. Come on Dawn, it's going to be great.
Do you fancy coming in a hot tub with us?
Um, I'd rather put my eyes out, if that's all right with you.
Fair enough. THEY LAUGH
I sense where you're coming from. I mean that nicely.
I said, I said don't ask, Bob, didn't I?
THEY LAUGH
And you were right. You were right.
Did you have a nice sleep? Not bad, yeah.
We've got to get going. I know we have, we've got to fish.
Oh, I forgot, Paul.
What I should say is, I didn't forget,
but I've got the last three windows of my advent calendar to open.
Do you want to do one? You do today, I'll do tomorrow.
That's nice, isn't it, Bob? I like that.
It's a good one, isn't it? Yeah.
Good things in it? Great things.
Mainly chocolates, but little bits of fun jewellery.
Oh, trinkets. Trinkets.
OK...
What'd you get? Little bit of breadstick.
Well, that's a bit unlucky, isn't it?
This is a trick, isn't it? No, it's not.
You've enjoyed it, haven't you, your little breadstick boy?
I do like a breadstick, yeah.
We've got to get going, that is
the estuary of the river we're fishing today, the River Camel.
Yeah, we're fishing upstream. Mm.
I'll be able to go all day after this breadstick, won't I?
Don't worry, I've got some stuff to take.
Howay, lad.
It was a treat seeing Dawn last night, weren't it?
It was lovely. She's a very positive presence, isn't she?Yes.
Yeah, she is, yeah.
Big, big day though, Paul, isn't it? The award ceremony.
Oh... Big, big day.
Who's hosting this year? Do you know?
I think I'll host it this year.
Oh, what a surprise.
That means we couldn't get anyone, doesn't it?
THEY LAUGH
Here we are.
Lovely, isn't it? This is the Camel Valley, Bob, the River Camel.
Right.In Tresarrett, we are.
And on the menu today... Yeah.
..tra-ah-t. Tra-ah-t. Sea trout.
Sea trout as well? Yeah, possibly salmon.
Lovely.
# It's coming on Christmas
# They're cutting down trees
# They're putting up reindeer
# And singing songs of joy and peace
# I wish I had a river
# I could skate away on
# But it don't snow here
# It stays pretty green
# I'm gonna make a lot of money... #
What? Did you miss one? Yep.
Oh.
# I wish I had a river
# I could skate away on
# I wish I had a river so long... #
Oh, God, I missed him.
Oh, man!
# I would teach my feet to fly... #
Yes!
Hey, well done, Bob.
Little brownie.
Very nice!
And away!
Hurray. Oh, it was an incredible bit of fishing, Paul.
Yeah, I'm sure it was, Bob.
If you did it, I'm sure it was superlative.
Good stuff.
TED SNORES
I would say, Paul, that was maybe my most enjoyable bit of fishing
I've ever done.Really? It was fantastic, yeah.
Oh, brilliant.
I don't know, just something about the flow of the river and the light.
The light is incredible here, isn't it?
You look so sexy in those glasses, Paul.
PAUL LAUGHS
Honestly, you look nothing like Ant Man...
Shut up. ..or some sort of insect.
I do look like a wasp or something, don't I?
You do, yeah, you're a very waspy character actually.
Oh, blimey, Ted. What are we going to do with him?
Ted isn't in great nick. No, all right Bob.
quiet, he's in earshot, ain't he?
Mind you, he's quite deaf now. Yeah.
But he doesn't look very well, does he?
But he does seem happy.
He does actually. He does seem happy.
Well, I'd say content. Content.
When my son went to see grandad in hospital, afterwards,
he said to me he was glad he had, because he said,
"I've got to get used to loss, you know."Oh, wow.
When he was a really young boy,
I suddenly one day I walked up the stairs and there was a window there.
And he'd put... He'd stuck little letters up saying,
"Tina, see you in the future."
And it was our little cat Tina had died.Oh, wow!
And I know he was really affected by it.Right.
And it's tough when you... It's tough when a pet dies.
It's really tough.
Because like as your friendships come and go, you know,
or you've failed to maintain them or you do,
but your friendship with your pet is so pure, do you know what I mean?
Oh, no, and that's a very valid point.
It's the devotion that they show you don't
get from any other living creature really, do you?
Heartbreaking.Mm.
It is brilliant to have a friend like you, you know, Paul.
Don't have a go at me for saying it. It's amazing.
Ant man, wasp face, wizened little walnut...
Yeah, but...Yeah?
That's because you like me, that you allow me to do it.
I can take it, Bob. Really, I really can take it.
Don't worry about it. Imagine a world without friendship
cos a lot of people live in that world, Paul.
Well, yeah, that's true, Bobby.
I'm just hanging on to it with you.
You are. Fingernails, isn't it?
Well, thanks for that, Bob, and I feel the same, you know that.
Don't you? You do know that, don't you, Bob?
I do, we only come out to see each other, really.Yeah.
Hey, Teddy.
Dr Anand's coming today.
Oh, right, he's here, is he? Yeah.Oh, OK.
Don't you tell Anand I've been having salami.
Oh, he won't like that, will he?
Well, I've just had a chocolate biscuit,
that's probably not much good either.
You're going to mention it, aren't you?No, I'm not.
We'll see. Let's see how it all plays out, Bob.
I know what you're like, so...
You think the first thing I'm going to say to Anand
is, "Paul's just had a chocolate biscuit.
"Paul's just had a chocolate biscuit." And it's not.
The first thing I'll say is, "Do you know what Paul's done?"
"Only gone and had a chocolate biscuit, ain't he?"
Anando's nice, he'd say, 'Oh, that's fine'.
A Nando's? BOB LAUGHS
Chicken on prescription.I really haven't had a Nando's, Anand.
Chickens and prescriptions!
Anand! I'm following Ted in.
Look! Ted's leading the way. Oh, easy!
Gone Fishing Doctor! Lovely to see you.
Lovely to be seen. I don't want to trip over Ted.
You look like one of the prettiest gnomes I've ever seen,
don't you think?
Thanks! A wood nymph.
I'll take that in whatever spirit... All day long, yeah.
Yeah. So, Anand, the first thing I wanted to ask genuinely is...
Sure. ..is just earlier today Paul had two chocolate biscuits
and some cake.
Right, first of all, it was one chocolate biscuit
and I just had a little... The cherry out of the cake.
That's all I nibbled, right? He had cake and salami.
I'm not here to police you.
Well, we wish you would.
People don't like being nagged.
No.So what I'm here to do is I'm here to steer you
hopefully in a direction.
And if you want to take my advice, take my advice.
If you don't want to, that's absolutely fine.
But equally, you know, we've all got to make our choices
and deal with the consequence. It is a bit of compromise, isn't it?
I was always told if 80% of your diet is good you're
allowed 20% to do you know, indulge yourself...
See, I tell myself 70-30... Well, there we are.
I'm coming... I'm coming over to your way.
Just some general things that have interested me recently, Anand,
was a lot of people around me are taking vitamin supplements.
Yes. All sorts of supplements.
Somehow, I don't believe that that pill or liquid is
the same as a leaf of spinach or a bit...I don't think it is.
I don't think it is, Bob.
So you're absolutely right, supplements are brilliant,
if you've got a deficient diet.
The supplements you need
need to be tailored to your age range
and they need to be tailored to whatever disease
or whatever is going on.
Or your diet, for example.
If you're vegetarian or vegan, you might lack protein,
you might lack calcium if you don't eat dairy.
So it's kind of like, well, what do we need?
And if you're a 70 kilo, 65-year-old,
you need to be taking 70 to 80 grams of protein per day.
You should be getting some of that from, if you eat meat,
from meat, a bit of oily fish, from lentils, pulses...
Eggs. ..eggs, cheese. All those sources are good sources of protein.
And why particularly for older people?
So as you get older, your ability to hold on to muscle gets less.
So you get something what's called sarcopenia,
where literally your muscles start to dissolve away as you get older.
And having poorer muscle strength,
which we're going to test in a bit, is linked to living longer.
So actually if your muscle strength is poorer,
you actually become frail.
And frailty is basically a condition where any small change
to your health could knock you over into losing independent living.
So that could be like, you know,
you can't live in your own home any more. You can't do stairs.
So I've got a little testing thing here. Right.
We're just going to use your grip strength.
And they did a study of a 150,000 people
and they found that your grip strength is a better
marker of your long-term health than your blood pressure.
Really? So that's why I brought it today, just to see,
because it's such an easy thing to do.
You can get these online so easily. I'm excited.
Do you want to have a go? Yeah!
Marvellous. OK, so the idea is that you hold
it like that at right angles. Right.
OK. And what you're doing
is squeezing as hard as you can when I say now.
Ready? And on three. One, two, three, go.
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze... Oh, that hurts!
Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Good man.
28.2.
Oh!That's the bad one!
Obviously, this is not necessarily the perfect test,
if you've got hand arthritis, but 28.2...
What that means is that you have a level of sort of hand strength and
fitness that is above the minimum level, which is really important.
The minimum level for men is kind of about 25 kilogrammes,
and it's 18 for women. If yours is below that,
you're actually really at high risk of having low muscle mass.
You're more likely to fall over, more likely to break your hip,
more likely to lose your mobility, and more likely to end up in a home.
I'm worried now.You're going to smash me to pieces on this.
Right, so squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze,
squeeze, squeeze, done.
43! 43!
jeez, I'll never hear the end of it.
Can I just say... can I just say, that is
the sign of a healthy level of muscle at your age?
What! That's fantastic. Oh, please! That's amazing.
15 seconds ago, I thought I'm heading to a care home.
No, mate, no. Now I'm striding past it, saying, "Hello, Paul!"
Hey, Anand, would you have a bit of mulled wine?
I'd love a bit of mulled wine. Thank you. I made this myself on my farm.
TED VOICE:No, you didn't. Correct.
THEY LAUGH
Well, thank you so much for coming, Anand...
Merry Christmas. ..for our bankside consultations.
They're a... They're a joy. Mm-hm.
THEY LAUGH
Look how pleased you are!
WISTFUL PIANO VERSION OF "DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH"
There's a kind of musty smell around.
I think it's... I can only imagine it's you, Bob.
Be slightly more... What do you mean? Is it biscuity?
Sort of biscuit, Oxo cube and old man.
Yeah. Well, I had biscuit, I had an Oxo cube and biscuits
and I'm an old man. You're an old man.
Well, there we are, got it spot on then!
Let's have a smell of you. Go on, then. What do you reckon?
I don't know, have you been eating eggs?
Oh, no, that that's probably trapped wind in my waders, ain't it?
Oh, great.Yeah.
I'm going to have to go off and get the awards ceremony ready.
OK.
Be smart though, Paul.
Yeah? Be respectful. What, for the awards?
Yeah, and be respectful of the occasion.
I've arranged transport for you. Don't you worry.
Well, will the occasion respect me? Of course it will...
..Ish.Yeah. See you at the awards, Paul.
I cannot wait.
We should have an award for wrist strength.
# The hopes we had
# Were much too high
# Way out of reach
# But we have to try
# The game will never be over
# Because we're keeping the dream alive... #
KNOCKS AT DOOR
Heya, there. Hello, mate. How are you?
Lovely to see you. You OK? Lovely to see you.
I'm fine.Welcome. Thanks for having us, Paul.
I was actually looking for Rick Stein's place.
Yeah, just down there.
But listen, I am absolutely honoured that you've chosen us
for these prestigious awards. Prestigious awards.
Aren't they?Yeah, yeah, they are. So come on in.
Thank you.
A Cornish Christmas dinner, that's what we're looking for.
Yeah, well, this is a Cornish Christmas dinner with
a difference cos we're going to replace what people would
ordinarily probably have in, you know, turkey, hams, beef.
We're going to do a whole baked turbot, but with all the trimmings
and a lovely sort of turbot chicken gravy,
which you're going to help me to do. Wow. Yes, please.
I mean, I've got five Baftas.
Five! But nothing beats a Gone Fishing lifetime achievement award.
I'd just like to thank my family, but most of all, Ted,
for being such a stalwart companion.
TED VOICE:Grub up, will you?
With cooking, it always starts at the beginning, building up
those layers of flavour. Yeah.
So in here we've got some rosemary and thyme, all right?
So what we do is we just take some of that rosemary and thyme...
Yep...then rub it between our hands because what all herbs,
they contain essential oils.
So if you just grab a smell of that now... Lovely!
All right? Just get that into our garlic, our shallots.
It's beginning to smell like Christmas.
How much does a kitchen like this cost?
Half a million pounds. Ooh!
Yes. Sell some food then!
Yeah... Yeah.
Come on, Ted.
Come on, I can hardly contain myself.
I don't know about you.
TED VOICE:I come in my own time, son.
Afternoon, sir.
Can I come aboard?
Whoa, look at that fella! Look at that!
It's a beauty! Yes, it is.
So that's what a turbot looks like. Yeah, that's a turbot.
We regard this as king of the sea. Right.
It's just superior in flavour.
With it being Christmas, I've got a lovely Cornish sparkling
wine in with the onions. All right?
Lay the turbot on top and bake in the oven.
Right, let's do this.
Ain't that lovely, Ted? Look, there's Padstow over there.
That's where we're going.
Apparently, that's where the big ceremony is.
Ha-hey!
Good boy. There's a good boy.
You know I'm up for the next James Bond, don't you?
TED VOICE:Ha! Oh, do me a favour. Ha-ha-ha!
Cut a dash, didn't I, mate, eh?
Ted, you're deaf as a post, ain't you? TED VOICE:Pardon?
Right, let's get these cabbages on.
So we're just going to brush them with a little bit of butter.
Right.And then I want you to put them that side down on the barbecue.
Perfect. And we've just lightly steamed these cabbages...
Right. ..so that they're nice and cooked
and we just get flavour from the barbecue.
That's beautiful. Yes, now we're cooking.
Come, Ted.
Come on. Oh, there he is!
This is the place.
Little old man. I tell you what, you know,
dogs aren't normally allowed in here, come on.
TED VOICE:I'm allowed anywhere I want, mate.
I'll go anywhere I like, South London, East London,
South of France, Croatia, Venezuela.
WISTFUL PIANO VERSION OF "ONCE IN ROYAL DAVID'S CITY"
Fly.
Ladybird. Mm.
Good evening, sir.
Hello. What do you want?
Well, could I look at the menu or see the wine list?
Would you like to see the wine list?
Yeah, I would. Thank you. There you go.
Actually, we don't serve wine to the over-80s.
It can put them into shock.
Are you a halfwit or something?
Some people say so.
I'm not surprised.
Will you be requiring the entertainment tonight, sir?
Oh, well, yeah... I see you've got a hound with you, no hounds.
Yeah, no, he's got a special dispensation.
He's not any old hound. Who is he then?
It's, uh... It's Ted. Ted the dog?
Yeah. He's actually sort of guest of Bob Mortimer's.
Who did you say?!
You're so easy, aren't you?
Bob Mortimer? It's you, isn't it? It's you. Yeah!
You can see a wine list. Yeah, thank you, sir.
There you go. Thank you very much.
I've been preparing... I'm going to call it a Cornish Christmas dinner.
Not what you might expect.
Really? Have you been helping in the kitchen? I've been helping.
Have you? Cos I heard the fire alarm go off.
Yeah.What did you do? I was burning cabbage.
Oh, really?
Oh, that will do it then.
I'm looking forward to this.
It's on its way, it looks amazing.
Cheers!
Oh, it didn't clink. That's fancy glasses.
Isn't it? Wow!
Cor! Look at that.
Wow! Thank you so much. Roast turbot with all the trimmings.
Roast turbot!
And there you have it.
Enjoy!
Thank you. And thank you for your help, Bob.
Thanks, no worries. Thank you, Paul.
Bob, I'm going in. Come on.
Turbot is amazing.
You really do spoil me, Bob.
Well, Work dos come along once a year.
We might as well make the most of it, Paul.
How many categories are there this year? Two.
So it will be quick, yeah?
AWARD SHOW-STYLE MUSIC
# There will be laughter and prizes galore!
# Who's gonna miss and who's gonna score?
# It's the Gone Fishing annual...
BOTH: # Awards! #
Who loves you, baby? First up, Paul, Employee of the Year.
This is the trophy you won last year.
So it has to be returned, I'm afraid.
Oh, no.
I don't really want to give it back, Bob,
it's become such a part of my life but... Here we go.
Nominations are...
Let's see.
Woo, woo, woo! Yeah! Let's fish!Oh!
Oh!You got me, Bob. Well, why were you stood there?
Bob, Bob, Bob, Bob! Yes, I know!
In then, without knowing. That's angling, Paul.
Do you like watching me fish? Sort of... You can learn, can't you?
Yes, he's in! Do not wind, do not wind, Bob!
I'm not winding, I'm just tidying up the reel!
There's my dancing, that's specialist stuff that.
Wallop! Yes! Wow, he's fresh.
Look at the colours of that.
BOTH: Whoa!
Ted's arriving in style, ain't it?
It's going to be Ted, isn't it? Of course it's going to be Ted.
TED VOICE:I come in my own time, all right? You look so heroic.
Oh, look at that guy!Wahey! Ah!
BLEEP Oh, there's a fall.
Oh, and there's another.
TED VOICE:What's that? Salmon, is it? It's not for you, Ted.
TED VOICE:Yeah, but it is.
Oh, please yourselves! Cor, ain't we had some laughs?
Haven't we had some laughs? Oh...
This is the moment.
Yeah?
Go on. Tee-hee...
And the winner is...
..Bob Mortimer.
No!
Yes, please.
Wow! It's a revelation.
Oh, come on, Paul. Oh, no, I'm so...
It's well deserved. So pleased for you, Bob.
And there's a trophy as well. Oh, for God's sake.
It's actually a crown.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, that feels like good. Hey, there we are!
Did one of them jewels just fall off?
Yeah, it did.
Heavy is the head that wears the crown in your case, isn't it?
Size of it. Employee of the Year. Your head, I mean.
Paul...Well, there we are, there's one category down.
Let's not prolong the agony, let's crack on, shall we?
I'll take this off out of respect for the award, OK?
OK, thank you.
Because the next award is... This is a biggie,
Lifetime Achievement.
If you've given it to yourself, I'm walking out of this restaurant...
Oh, don't walk out... ..and I'm never looking back.
Oh, don't walk out, Paul.
I'm going to, Bob, if you've given it to yourself.
Let's have a look.
Well, let's have a look at it then. Let's have a look.
Ted. Cute little Billy.
TED VOICE:Billy? I dropped that name years ago, son.
You coming fishing with us, Ted?
Teddy!
Mind the rod! Honestly he's worse than me, isn't he?
Can you shift over a bit, Ted? What's he actually achieved?
Well he's had a life time, ain't he? Yeah, I suppose.
Teddy! Fetch! Woo! Go on!
TED VOICE:Nah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Is Ted a dog?
He's a species all of his own, ain't you, Ted?
You all right, Ted?
It's like we've superglued him there, ain't it?
Look! You can move, Ted.
Yeah, it's Ted, ain't it? Well, yes...
You're not going to come across sort of blindsided and win, are you?
Well, I don't think so. I haven't opened the envelope yet.
Look at the state of him!
And that's when he went insane.
Remember, you have always got us two.
That's right, Ted. You got us.
Well, let's just confirm it, Paul.
The winner is...Ted.
Well deserved, Ted.
Absolutely.
If ever there was a winner there was, then Ted's the winner
that wizard that was, yeah. Teddy, you got a crown.
Wow.
Let's present ourselves to the camera, Ted.
Kings of the show.
# We are the champions, my friend... #
There is someone else on the show, isn't there, Ted?
TED VOICE: Yeah, I dunno. He's just sort of a shadow.
Oh, don't go, Paul. You might win next year.
Tee-hee-hee!
He's off!
# We are the champions
# No time for losers
# Cos we are the champions
# Of the world. #
Come on, Ted. That's one of Paul's. Leave it alone.
Come on.
Breakfast, Paul!
I put a little bit of holly on yours, cheer you up,
after last night.
You're not bitter, are you, Paul? Forgotten all that?
I'm an adult, Bob, so, no, I'm not bitter.
It's it just reflects badly on you, you know.
We've got a long drive today, we're going west, west, west, west, west.
Where we going? Mouse-hole.
But do you know what they call it? The Cornish people?
It will be Muzzle or something. Not far off actually, Mowzle.
Mowzle.Mousehole, but for you and me it will forever be...
GEORDIE ACCENT: Mouse-HOLE.
Aye, pet. Right, come on.
# If I had a deep voice, I would...
# Sing a dingle dingle dingle bingo dingle!
# All day long I'd sing a ling a ling
# If I had a very deep voice...
# If I had a high voice
# I would yodel lo lo lo! #
THEY LAUGH
We're going to pass by a place called St Michael's Mount.
Oh, right. You know one of them islands off the sea.Oh, yeah.
Shall we stop? Give Ted a walk.
I'm in, I'm seizing up here, aren't you?
I wouldn't mind a leg stretch, Bob.
Come on, Teddy, go. Let's go!
Come on, Ted! Come on, Ted!
# Bah humbug, that's too strong
# Cos it is my favourite holiday
# But all this year's been a busy blur
# Don't think I have the energy
# To add to my already mad rush
# Just cos it 'tis the season
# The perfect for me would be
# Completions and connections left from last year... #
There's your first little look at Mousehole.
Oh, look. Quintessentially Cornish.
Cor, it wasn't designed for the car, was it, Bob?
Getting on everyone's nerves
and we're trying to enjoy this peaceful town.
I know! Oh, look at those boats as well, aren't they lovely?
I love a painted boat, don't you, Bob?
Yeah, sweet.See that look that light blue, that's a nice one.
You know in, uh...Oh, that's a nice one, look, the black and yellow.
Don't like that one.
Taking me out on a boat, aren't you? I am.
Last chance to catch a fish.
Come on, Teddy.
Wow!
What a morning, eh, Bob? What a morning.
Now, the guy we're going out with today on the boat, Neil,
he's got a very special relationship with Mousehole.
He's a Mousehole boy, but his dad was on the boat that went out,
1981, Penlee disaster, where all the lifeboat men were lost at sea.
Blimey, I have heard of that.
And the boat they went to rescue as well went down.
So proper tragedy. He'll have a tale to tell, then.
He certainly will, mate.
Neil!
Hello, Neil! Morning, gentlemen.
Thank you so much, Neil, for having us on board.
Paul. I can't remember his name.
THEY LAUGH
What's our chances today, Neil?
It's fishing guys, you know that.
It's not called catchers fishing, but we got a good
chance of catching a mackerel or two and maybe a pollock or two.
We'll see what we can do.
You've got an involvement with the Penlee disaster, haven't you?
Yeah, my father was lost on the Penlee lifeboat,
and I was turned away that night.
I was a lifeboat man, I was only 17.
But like everyone, every man, when I was 17, I knew everything.
Yeah, yeah. Like Bob. You've got to remember
I've been playing around in boats
since I was four or five years old. That's all I've ever done.
Trevelyan Coxswain refused to take me.
He refused to take two from one family, so I was turned away.
Wow. And your dad was lost? My dad was lost, yeah.
I mean, never forget them.
I'm fiercely proud of what they did that night.
Of course, of course.
I mean, the weather conditions was the worst in living memory.
I've never seen weather like that. How old was your dad, Neil?
My dad was 42. Wow!Blimey!
Of course all of them, they're all family, friends, they're all mates.
Of course, it's such a small community
and tight obviously has to be, doesn't it?
It completely changed Mousehole forever.
Mousehole never recovered from that. No...
Do you do anything to sort of celebrate
the memory of those people?
On the 19th, we have the famous Christmas lights
and they're dimmed and we have our own memories
and all you have your own like little, you know... Yeah.
Let's fish today in memory of your dad.Yeah.
See if we can get something for him.
Over there, Bob, look.
You see that cross and that thing? That's a... Oh, yeah.
That's a memorial light to the Penlee victims.
Oh, right.
What we're doing, we're trying for a pollock
and we've got some silver shrimp on.
I've hit the bottom, so I put that over now?
Yeah, slip that over and then just wind up a little bit.
And the idea is to wind up nice
and slowly to keep that keep that lure moving all the time.
I keep winding though, do I?Yeah.
Couldn't have picked a better day for it.
Oh, we're lucky, aren't we? Lucky lads.
Ted's loving it.
Aren't you mate, loving this?
He's having a good time, ain't he?
I'm searching for the bottom, Paul. Oh, I'm hitting the bottom there.
And I'm going to fish down there for a bit.Yeah.
It will be funny Christmas this year without grandad there.
Yeah, yeah. It will be strange.
You know, you hear that some older people who kinda know
they're on their last legs, want to get a last Christmas in.
Yeah, that's exactly -
I'm pretty sure that's what happened with my parents.
They both died. Yeah.
On the same date.
I mean, years apart.
But January the 15th. Yeah.
I mean, I don't know how sentient my mum was about,
or conscious of Christmas,
but it's a extraordinary coincidence that...
Cos that's supposed to be, isn't it, that time of year, isn't it?
Yeah.And I wonder if people have just managed to hold on.
Hold on. Have Christmas.
See the familiar faces one last time.
Yeah...
Well, we'll never know really, Bob, will we?
My dear old dad always said to me, and I'll always try to
live my life like it, just be nice, it's all you've got to do. Yeah.
Treat people as you want to be treated.
You can't go far wrong, I don't think. True, mate.
Paul treats me pretty bad.
Does he? I have seen that. THEY CHUCKLE
It's for his own good though, Neil.
Keep him on his toes. Yeah.
Come on, you're not fishing very well.
Sort yourself out.
Come on, Bob.
The people of Mousehole depend on you.
This could be our last chance, you know.I know.
Neil wants to get to the bookies.
Is there a bookies in Mousehole?
No.
Yeah, we had three grocery shops, a shoe shop, two butchers
when I grew up. There's none any more.
No shoes? They're all gone.
Should we do an appeal, launch an appeal?
Send shoes to Mousehole.Yeah!
Hey-oh! Oh!He's in.
That might be the bottom.
Come on. I don't know what it is.
Shall I wind in or keep going?
Couple of mackerel here, look. Have you got mackerel?
Yeah. Well done, Paul.
Hold up, let's get that untwisted. Look!
Mackerel!
Two mackerel, look at that! Fresh as paint, look at them.
Oh, you mind your fingers. Wow!
It's a very pretty fish, you know, Paul.
Let me take the rod for you. Yeah, you grab that.
Wow, look at it.Electric fish, isn't it? What a creature.
Amazing!
That's what we come for and that is our first ever...
Mackerel.
Wow! Look at the sheen on it.
Took us seven or eight years.
It's been brilliant, Neil.It's been lovely, what a glorious day.
Oh, we've got our Christmas night to come, Paul.
Oh-oh, what you got lined up for me, Bob?
You'll have to wait and see.
I will, won't I? Well...excited.
# Maybe this Christmas
# Will mean something more
# Maybe this year
# Love will appear
# Deeper than ever before
# And maybe... #
Wind yourself down here, Paul.
Halt, because we are staying here!
Lovely. Do you know what it is? No.Quaint.
Quaint's a good description.Yeah, it is, isn't it? Quaint works.
Come on, then.
# Maybe this Christmas... # Whoo!Whoa!
Christmas is here, Bob!
Oh, lovely. That is just what I ordered.
Christmas vibe.
Hello, Christmas!
Lovely.
You manage those stairs, old timer? Yeah, not too bad.
Oh, this is lovely, look at this!
Our little living room!Nice. Twin beds.
Have you brought your twins?
Here, this is a nice one. Harbour view.
Bob, look at this, look. Oh, eh up.
Oh, yeah! Wow!
I look after you, I really look after you.
You do, don't you, mate?
Happy Christmas.
TED VOICE:Where's my briefcase?
I'll give you a clue, Ted. It's right there.
Ha-ha-ha!
There we go.
It's Laurel and Hardy, isn't it? BOB LAUGHS
TED SNORES
Watch your ears, Ted.
CHAMPAGNE POPS
Nice.
A few more of these.
Come on, old timer!
Ooh, look at this!
Cor... Who've you had in? Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen?
No. It looks amazing, look at that.
Cheers for a lovely Christmas trip. Is this Cornish champagne? Mm.
Mm.
I've got you a present, Paul. Have you?
Yup. Is that OK?
I think it is because I've got one for you.
Would you like it?
Yes, please. Do you think you deserve it?
Yes, I do.Even after all your gloating with your crowns
and your self-aggrandisation, you still think you deserve a present.
If you don't want to give it to us, don't.
Of course I do, Bob. Because I am give, give, give.
Ooh!
Go on, then.
Yep.
There it is. Oh, it's a clonker.
It is, isn't it? It suits me, it's gentlemanly.
And if you get annoyed with me, you can just go...like that.
And if I've made a mistake in the bath, we can just quickly move it.
Scoop it up! Thank you very much.
I can tell this is actually rather beautiful, Paul.
It is a cracker, isn't it? Walnut?
Yeah. No, do you want one? Just there on the plate.
Thank you very much. Oh, no, it's a beauty, isn't it?
That makes me so happy.
I mean, it is lovely, but mine's a better present.
Happy Christmas. Competitive, Bob. Thank you, Bob.
I wonder what this is, Ted. You like it?
I hope you like it. Is it a picture of Bob in a crown?
It's a Gone Fishing calendar.
It's nice.
Do you see? I thought I'd make you look nice.
I see.
Well, I look pretty good like that, don't I?
I look like Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen, don't I?
Just relaxing in front of some books.
HE LAUGHS
There's a nice one of you, ain't it?
Ain't that nice of you and Ted?
Oh, you look quite short there, don't you?
I've got a tiny head. THEY LAUGH
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Look at that.
Boom! THEY LAUGH
That was... That's a bit rude boy mode there, wasn't it?
Yeah, I thought you'd like that one.
I tell you what, Bob, it's not far off, is it?
Well, thank you. What a treat.
I should probably go and get our little meal.
Go on, then. We're going to have turkey and some cake.
Oh! It's a beauty, isn't it?
My favourite meal of the Christmas period.
Oh...Go on, slice me off some breast.
Beautiful. Nicely cooked.
It is, isn't it? Look at that!Lovely, yeah.
Ah! You cheeky fella!
It's actually a turkey cake.
It's a turkey cake. It's a turkey cake.
Oh, lovely. Isn't that sensational? Am I going in?
Well done, Bob. A lovely bit of trickery there.
Christmas trickery.
Lovely, mate.
Cos you know Christmas is a time
when you can be a little bit naughty.Ted's awake!
You want a carrot?
TED VOICE:Go on.
Oh, hold on minute.
Hold on! Wait a minute. Hold on!
Wait a minute, you two tricksters, what are you doing to me?
Well, bloody hell, that's the nicest carrot I've ever had.
THEY LAUGH
Pretty well the end of our Cornish Christmas trip, Bob.
It is.How are you feeling about going home?
Cos it's going to be your first Christmas without grandad?
It will be different and we'll all miss him.
Yeah. And it will never be the same again.
No. But we'll pull a cracker on his anniversary.
Yeah, yeah. He liked a cracker.
Well, it's actually good to have very fond,
positive memories of people, you know.
I do with my parents.
My parents, your grandad, they had a long life, so...
They did have a long life.
And here's a nice thing is round our Christmas table
when the boys were young and Grandad was sat there,
the little boys and grandad would always wear their paper hats.
Right. We were all too vain and full of ourselves.
Yeah. But old grandad and the kids.
That's what grandad's for, really, isn't it?
Grandads are for wearing paper hats.
"Sit there, be quiet, put the hat on, grandad."
# And carry them home, home, home from the sea
# Angel of mercy answer our plea... #
Can you hear that?
I can, yeah.
Some singing? Yeah?
What have you done?
Come with me to the window.
I'll bring my cake! For our final Christmas spectacular.
Come on.All right, mate.
# Joy, joy, joy, joy!
# Joy to the world... # The Mousehole Male Voice Choir.
# Let Earth receive her King... #
I love a male voice choir. I know you do.
# Let ev'ry heart prepare him room
# Joy to the world, the Saviour reigns
# Our mortal songs employ.... #
Happy Christmas, Paul. Merry Christmas, Bob, mate.
Thanks, mate. What an amazing treat.
# Joy, joy...
# Joy, joy!
HIGH NOTE: # Joy! #
LOW NOTE: # Joy! #
Thank you! And Merry Christmas to you all.
Thank you very much. And away!
Cheers and gone! Cheers and gone!
THEY LAUGH
# There's no more little secrets
# We haven't yet disclosed
# We bore the living daylights
# Off anyone too close
# And all our cards at Christmas
# Are written to us both
# Count them up, who's got the most?
# Said we'd be close
# Said we'd work perfectly
# Said we'd toast beautiful company
# Closer than a sister to her baby brother
# Closer than a cat to the child that she'll smother
# It's too close for a lover
# We are each other... #