Gemstone!
I got unfinished business with you.
Hm.
You still mad 'cause my gay brother whipped your ass?
That was him, not you.
You're just as unimpressive and insignificant as you ever were.
Well, for your information, you flappity old vagina,
there is dignity in being a hidden figure
behind the scenes.
Still counts as a conquering.
Horseshit!
You never conquered me.
You and I are still going.
That's why I just opened up 10 more mini-mall churches--
right next to your 10 mini-mall churches.
I'm going for broke now.
It's game on.
10 mini-mall churches?
I told you to stay away from my mini-mall churches,
you son of a bitch!
Stay away, boy!
I ain't your boy.
I'm nobody's boy.
Yeah, that's because both of your parents are dead.
You villain.
You have disrespected me for the last time.
A yellow hanky?
Vance Simpkins, do you understand what you've done?
I do indeed, sir.
I challenge Jesse Gemstone to a duel--
pistols.
To the death?
That's right, Jesse.
You scared?
No, of course not.
A loser orphan like you?
Never.
Then the duel shall commence.
Let the Lord decide who is right or wrong.
Have you your seconds?
I pick Pastor Brad as my second.
I will be Pastor Simpkin's second.
What the fuck is this?
Very well.
Pastor Gemstone?
Uh, yeah.
Uh, what's up, y'all?
Is anybody trying to be a second up in here?
Pastor Jeffrey?
Why are you trying to look at the ground?
Just raise your hand. Anybody?
You? No?
I will second Pastor Gemstone.
I'll stand with my son.
Then let's duel.
Let's duel.
Rub these fingers.
OK, trigger finger.
Oh, God.
Son, you don't have to do this.
He challenged me.
He insulted Kelvin.
He's building mini-mall churches in our territory.
Besides, at this point, I think it's too late to back out.
They're all drumming and lined up.
You can quit.
We'll both quit.
I'll quit with you.
I can't quit Cape & Pistol.
If I quit, I have absolutely no association with anything
that lets people know that I'm special,
that I'm better than them.
Son, I hope you don't really believe that.
You impress me.
Always have.
Your devotion to your family, your sons.
Look at Gideon, what a good man you have raised.
You're clearly a better daddy than I ever was.
Why?
Because he came out better than me?
You know what I mean. You don't have to do this.
Duelists, please approach.
- That ship has sailed. - Christ.
It's time, Daddy.
Seconds, with the pistols now loaded,
hand them to the duelists.
Gentlemen, back to back.
10 paces, turn, and fire at my command.
Are you ready, duelists?
- Ready! - Ready!
Gentlemen, begin.
And fire!
Whew.
Fuck.
Oh, Jesus!
God damn it!
Ugh, fuck me!
Ooh!
Jesse, please, man.
Don't do it, all right? I didn't mean it.
I didn't want to kill you.
Please don't kill me, Jesse!
Please!
I got a life to live and people to help.
For Christ's sakes, I'm an orphan!
Oh, shit.
My bad.
I didn't mean to do that.
It's a ricochet.
I don't need a secret society or a duel
to prove that I am an impressive person.
Capes and pistols, that stuff doesn't mean shit.
Your actions make you an impressive man.
So I quit.
I give you mercy today, orphan.
Are you OK?
- Get off me. - OK.
When I was a child--
oh, fuck y'all.
This is incredible!
Hoo, hoo, hoo!
Wow. Wow!
It really came together.
I mean, Keefe, so happy we actually finished my treehouse.
Great job, Keefey.
For real.
Oh, look at all these little accoutrements.
I see you, boy.
I've been working real hard.
Wow.
Aw, I hate to say it, but we should probably head back home.
It looks like a nasty storm's a-brewing.
The devil's piss causes you terror.
Not anymore, it doesn't.
I put those demons to rest.
A lot of things don't scare me anymore, Keefe.
Spiders in the toilet.
That old lady puppet from Mr. Rogers.
The dog from the beans commercial.
Horrifying.
Even marriage.
That used to spook me big time.
But I don't know.
M-marriage?
But remember Siegfried and Roy?
What if everyone left and no one stuck
around to see the tigers?
Maybe it doesn't matter if they stick around
to see the tigers, Keefe.
Well, what are you saying, bro?
Keefe Chambers,
will you marry me?
- I will. - You will?
I do. I will.
- I'm ready! - Put it on there!
- Get it on there! - I know, I got fat fingers.
Funny, I thought I needed this to prove how manly I was,
riding this long, sleek pole up,
only to drip down, slow, my thighs squeezing it,
showing my strength.
The mustache adding an exclamation point to the fact.
Yeah.
Hm, but where did it get me?
Well, you thought you were riding the pole,
but the pole was riding you.
I'm just really happy you got your legs back.
So happy.
OK, it's about to pop off.
Put your hands in position.
OK, right here at the base.
- Yeah, yeah, squeeze it tight. - OK.
Not too hard.
Is that right?
Yeah, we're gonna jerk it off.
OK, jerk it off!
- Good work. - Mm-hmm.
It's a little bit slimy.
That's why you got to wipe it down good.
There's only one thing that keeps me from feeling great.
Beej, you name it, and I will suck it,
fuck it, munch it, or punch it.
Say the word, dude.
It's Dr. Watson.
Oh, OK.
Well, then none of those things I just said.
I miss him.
I hope his new companion is treating him right.
Little Dr. Watson.
BJ, are you crying?
No, of course not.
Men with mustaches don't often cry.
Your kids have been so kind to me.
I guess they like me again now that we're not dating anymore.
Oh, they always liked you.
How's Corey?
Oh, God.
I'm worried about him, Eli.
Cobb was a nightmare.
But at the end of the day, that was Corey's daddy.
And he's just-- you know, he's just taking it real rough.
I can't hardly get him out of the house anymore.
It's taking a toll on his marriage.
That poor Jana.
She's moved over to her sister's.
He's been through some rough stuff.
Well, I think we've all been through some shit.
Sure have.
Happy we could be here for each other, at least.
Yeah.
So, um, I was cleaning out.
And I found a few little mementos
that I thought that, uh--
I don't know, I thought you might get a kick out of them.
Aw, colorful parting gift.
You're welcome.
Lori Milsap show.
Oh, hey.
What is this?
That's just a letter that Aimee-Leigh wrote
to me when I got a divorce.
Really lifted me up at the time.
I don't know, I though it might do the same
for you if you need it.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Thanks.
You know, I think she's been watching
over us this whole time, leading us to each other.
Yeah.
You got to admit, we--
we did help each other.
Well, I mean, you helped me.
You helped me.
Well, I better go.
Dr. Gemstone, I believe.
Sure is formal, Ms. Lori.
Ooh! Wow.
Come here.
Be good.
You, too.
You'll be all right.
Even the Roman soldiers!
My villains!
Thank you!
Thank you, everybody!
I am so happy to be alive today!
Back at work.
Grateful that-- that God granted me the focus of mind
and the physical prowess, almost like that of a teen boy,
to save the life of Eli Gemstone as well as my own.
Now, I was a hero the night of the Gator Park Massacre
because God made me a hero!
I take no credit for myself.
None.
Zero credit, even though I did so much more work than Eli did.
But that's OK.
So let's clap for God!
Clap for God!
Not for me now, only for God.
OK, all right, everybody back to work!
Have a great day!
Get back to work.
Back to working hard.
Just crawl up on that cross and work,
work, work.
You got to get it while you can before it all dries up.
Is that all that matters to you?
Look here.
Take these children.
I don't know why I keep packing the coleslaw.
Baby Billy's the only one that likes it.
Oh, oh, pause, everybody.
Pause the work.
Pause it!
I ain't crawling up on that cross,
sacrificing myself for entertainment.
I quit!
Even though it may cost my nephews
and niece millions of dollars.
I know what's important to me now.
And it ain't hanging from a-- a cross all day,
realistically playing a teenager.
Show's over.
That's a wrap, y'all.
Fuck TV.
Yeah, you ain't a cripple no more.
Walk.
Keep walking.
Olive Garden?
Nope.
A Boost Mobile kiosk so I can get a new SIM card?
No, dude.
All wrong guesses.
Take off your blindfold.
Amber?
What is this place?
This is the home of First Sergeant Clifton,
Dr. Watson's new master.
You mean human companion?
Yes.
First Sergeant Clifton said it would be OK
for you to come and say hello.
Judy said that you'd been missing him.
Judy, you arranged all this?
Yeah, boy.
But you hate Dr. Watson.
I know he's important to you.
So go in there and say hi.
I mean, unless, of course, you're
afraid of, like, some monkey horror-type stuff, where
Dr. Watson sees you and flies into a rage
and rips your lips off, yanks off your dick,
bites off your fingers so he can cram them up your asshole.
Sometimes monkeys do express themselves that way.
I don't think he would do that.
Oh, OK.
I have a feeling that Dr. Watson is going to be
very excited to see you, BJ.
Mad as hell.
He always running around without no damn clothes on.
But other than that, I mean, he's pretty chill.
We get along OK.
Hadn't had any trouble or anything.
Hey, Dr. Watson, you remember this guy?
He wants to say hi.
Hi, Dr. Watson.
Look who it is.
I know you're probably like, "What's going on?
My mind is blown."
But I had to stop by.
Dr. Watson, it's me.
It's BJ Barnes.
Doc!
Speak back.
I'm sorry, man.
I don't know what's up his butt.
He's obviously moved on.
I was just another job to him.
I see that now.
I'm sorry to bother you.
We'll be on our way.
No, you don't have to--
Thank you so much for letting us be in your home.
And--
No, it's not going down like that.
Hey, you little punk-ass bitch.
I'm talking to you right now.
I get it.
You're acting rude 'cause you're hurt.
Been there-- done it.
Ugh.
It's nothing, OK?
Everybody cool knows how to do that shit.
Maybe you got some deeper shit going on now.
Maybe, because your mama died, you got a great big hole
of pain inside you.
It's making you put up a front.
Know how I know that?
'Cause I got that same hole inside me.
I feel you, dude.
But acting like a little cunt
to people who care about you?
It don't fix nothing.
That dude behind me, he loves you.
And he wanted to come say hi to you.
So don't be playing games.
Just get over there and show him you missed him.
You do remember.
Hey, buddy, we support the troops.
But you're gonna have to find somebody else to wipe your ass.
This monkey's coming home with us.
Yo, Daddy!
We'd like to have a sons- and daughter-to-fathers type talk
now, ya hear!
About your personal life, Daddy.
Your sex life.
Mm-hmm.
And how it's none of our beeswax.
We've been doing some soul searching.
And as we see it, we realize you don't
have many good years left.
No.
I'm thinking five, six tops.
Maybe longer, you know, but not quality years.
Not active living.
Now, as much as we miss Mama, we
think it's pretty cool your dipstick still works.
And I think I speak on behalf of all of us
when I say that we're proud and,
quite frankly, very impressed that you can still do cums.
Totally.
And seeing as your daddy-cock still works,
we want to let you know that we support you and you using it.
And, Daddy, whether it be with Ms. Lori or
some other skibidi toilet cum guzzler, we support you.
I just can't be responsible if you get an STD, man,
because I am not gonna use a wet washrag to get maggots
off your dickhole or whatever.
Ew, yuck!
I don't even know what to say.
You don't have to say anything, Daddy.
Group hugs?
Yes.
Group hugs!
Great idea!
Yeah, get him!
Has anyone heard from Corey?
Uh, no.
Been calling him and texting him.
But, dang, that boy is elusive.
Yeah, Ms. Lori said he was struggling
a bit after everything that happened.
It's even affected his marriage.
Maybe we should let him know we're there for him.
So you can get back with Ms. Lori?
Ah, look out.
Daddy gets permission, and he's instantly
trying to get his nut on.
No, it doesn't have anything to do with a nut
or getting it on.
It has to do with Corey's well-being.
And getting your nut on.
Know what we should do?
Invite him up to the lake!
Yeah!
Lake house! Lake house!
Lake house!
So don't you cry
Your tears will dry
'Cause he made you in a lovely way
Little angel, I hear that big old clock
Is ticking loud and clear
Lord above has blessed me one more time
With an angel, oh, my
Little angels, big hearts
Their bodies are small
But God filled 'em all
Little angels, big hearts
Yeah!
That's got some lake talents, y'all.
Nice pipes, Ms. Lori.
Aw, you, too.
Well, I know somebody else who wants to show
off their lake talents.
Uh, Corey!
I think it's showtime.
He wanted to surprise you guys.
How exciting.
I love surprises.
Ow! Tee-hee!
Oh, look, he's still got it!
It still fits!
Corey!
Oh!
- OK. - Oh, snap.
That is my man!
Yeah, Corey!
Go, Corey!
Ow!
OK!
Whoo!
Two-finger salute!
Look at his moves!
Moon walk!
Oh!
Damn!
Great moves, Corey!
Whoo!
That was amazing!
Oh, I wish I still had mine.
I am jelly.
Me, too.
You want this one, Kelvin?
Might be interested in selling it to you.
Well, name your price.
$7 million.
Whoa, that might be a little steep, Corey.
Nah, I was just kidding about selling you the suit.
But I'm not kidding about the 7 million.
Corey?
Jana, be quiet.
Let me do it.
Well, you don't just say--
I said let me do it!
Corey, please, lower your voice.
I'm sorry for raising my voice.
It's just, uh, I'm facing a bit of an emergency
since my daddy died.
Fucking bank is selling the Gator Park.
I want to buy it, but it costs $7 million.
You want me to buy the Gator Park?
No.
I want you to give me the money so I can buy the Gator Park.
Corey, you can't come over here and ask for money.
This is-- this is extremely rude.
Rude?
I killed my daddy to save Dr. Gemstone.
He has millions of dollars, but he can't help me?
Um, hi.
I think that Corey forgot to say that this would be a loan.
This wouldn't be, like, a handout.
Jana, I said shut up!
No!
I'm tired of you talking to me like that!
It's not ripping.
It's not good-natured.
It's not funny!
I'm tired of it.
Then get the fuck out of here!
Corey, you're acting crazy.
Yeah, too crazy for me.
We're done.
I want a divorce.
This is over.
Jana--
OK, uh, what's up, what's up?
How about we get some people out on the boat,
get some fresh air?
Core-dog, how about some cornhole?
Sure, Jesse.
Cornhole sounds great.
Whoo, so much fun!
It is.
- OK, Mama! - You fell off the boat.
Pshht.
Guess I'm destined to be just like my old man--
a divorcee.
I'm not doing too hot.
I'm sorry, Corey.
We're here for you, though.
Yeah, man.
We'll help you any way we can.
You know, besides giving you $7 million, of course.
Yeah, definitely not that.
But, you know, I'm the Top Christ-Following Man now,
so I can pull some strings.
All right, Kelvin.
This isn't about bragging on yourself, OK?
This is about helping Corey. So just--
I'm not bragging. I was just saying--
- Fuck, dude. - What?
What the hell's on your shirt?
You got shit on your shirt!
No, I don't.
Oh!
Where?
Ew, gross!
No, it's chocolate.
- Hershey Kisses. - Yeah, right.
It is.
Keefe was feeding me Kisses earlier.
I bet he was, feeding you doo-doo.
Little shit-stain shirt, boy.
Yeah, little diarrhean baby.
Ooh, diarrhean baby.
Look at you guys. Ripping.
Hey, at least your doo-doo fashions
made Corey smile a little bit.
That's something.
OK, well, meanwhile, this shirt cost $5,000.
So I'ma be right back.
Sink!
Ooh!
That was close, y'all.
Go get the shit off your shirt, son.
Kelvin.
Mama?
Why you sniffing my underwear?
Sorry, man, I was--
I was looking for a shirt to wear.
I must have walked in the wrong room.
Is that all?
Yup.
Dumb me.
Well, better go find a fresh shirt,
or Jesse and Judy won't let me hear the end of it.
Probably call you toilet paper shirt.
Toilet paper shirt.
Good one, Corey.
I can rip with the best of them.
Rip on.
I will.
OK.
Oh, look, he's still got shit on his shirt.
The way he's running looks like he's got some
in his pants, too.
Shut up for one damn second.
I think we're in trouble.
What you talking about, dookie shirt?
"Dookie shirt," that's good.
Look--
Rip, rip.
Daddy's Golden Bible.
What the fuck?
"Dookie shirt."
Oh, my God.
Where the fuck did you get this?
From my stuff.
I've been reading it a lot lately.
Especially since my daddy died.
Corey, you stole this?
My daddy stole it.
I covered for him.
I used to think that him and my mama would get back together
one day, back when I was young and stupid.
Thanks for keeping your mouth shut.
That there Bible's worth a lot of money.
Dad, look, I can't.
No, no, no.
Our secret, son.
We both did this.
It's us against the world, son.
Afterward, I--
I helped him.
We used to call it Ex-Boyfriends Club.
Anytime Mom would find a new dude,
he'd say, hey, time for another Ex-Boyfriends Club meeting.
And then we would handle things--
one way or another.
At first, Dad would just fight them.
Then things got worse and worse.
He even killed one guy.
That's how it's done, son.
Come on.
High five now.
Come on, give it to me.
Let's go home.
Daddy was a monster.
By the time we got to "Big Dick" Mitch,
Daddy made me a monster, too.
Good job, buddy boy!
Y'all gonna tell on me?
Seems like things are finally getting back to normal.
They're finally happy.
Be a shame to mess that up, right?
It's all I ever wanted this whole time.
Y'all could keep the Bible.
Just don't tell my mama.
I don't need it anymore.
Are we really gonna let him get away with this?
Dude.
I feel like we tell on him, Ms. Lori freaks out,
maybe Corey kills himself.
Yeah, no, he definitely kills himself.
That dude ain't cut out to do hard time.
A soft body in a viper pit.
Gosh dang, y'all making me think he's about
to kill himself right now.
Fuck that.
Not in our lake house.
Whoo!
I mean, can you imagine how the real estate
values would plummet if he pulled some shit like that.
I can't imagine--
Did y'all hear that?
What?
Hot dog, it sounds like they're really jamming out.
I'm not gonna lie, though, I do love this song.
It's Corey.
He plays music way too loud.
I'm always telling him to turn it down.
Ohh!
Oh, no.
Kelvin.
I can smell your cologne.
Are you hiding under the bed again?
Fuck yeah.
I knew you were in there.
I'm sorry it's come to this, Jesse.
You were like a brother to me.
Shit.
Don't you worry, Jesse.
I got something extra special for you.
I'll be right back.
Oh, God!
Kelvin!
Jesse!
No, he got you, too?
Yeah, he got me, too.
He killed Judy, didn't he?
Probably so.
Fuck that noise!
Judy!
You're alive!
We thought he smoked your ass!
No, son.
Agh!
Can't believe Core-dog shot us.
Where is he?
I think he went outside to get more ammo.
We gotta move.
Fuck!
Kelvin, that's the wrong way.
It's that way.
I just came from that way.
Just do what he says, Kelvin.
I can't. I can't.
Yeah, you can.
I can't!
I can't.
I can't go anymore.
Can one of you guys go upstairs?
My gun is in my stuff.
We ain't doing no steps, homie.
We leakin'.
I don't want to die.
I'm pretty sure we're gonna die, Kelvin.
Oh, God.
Judy, what the hell are you doing?
I'm calling the doctor.
Dr. Watson,
go upstairs and get Jesse's gun.
It's in his-- where do you keep it?
It's sitting next to my nightstand upstairs,
in my everyday carry bag.
What the fuck is an everyday carry bag?
He's not gonna know what that is, Jesse.
Just call it a purse.
It's not a purse.
It's a cross-body sling bag for men.
Dr. Watson, go upstairs and get Jesse's purse
and bring it down to us.
Please! Please hurry!
There is no way this is gonna work.
If it doesn't work, it's because you said it wrong.
It's not a purse.
It's an everyday carry bag for men.
At least we'll be able to see Mama.
I think I'm seeing Mama now.
No.
Judy, where's your fucking monkey?
This is for you, Daddy.
Ex-Boyfriends Club to the end, I guess.
Oh.
Dr. Watsies!
God, Jesse, hurry!
- Are you sure it's in there? - God dang, Jesse!
Come on, Jesse!
Hurry!
Oh!
Hoo, God dang, Jesse!
Good shot!
Thank you, Dr. Watson!
Ooh.
I think you just grazed me.
No, dog.
That's a solid hit.
Oh, fuck.
I'm dying.
I can feel it.
I'm sorry, y'all.
I'm fucked up.
I'm sorry I made you shoot me, Jesse.
Just stay still.
We'll get you help.
No.
No help.
Can you just pray with me?
Please.
I'm scared.
OK.
We can pray with you.
Make it a good one, Jesse.
Dear Heavenly Father, we thank you
for your love, which is here for us to, uh, to help us
and to comfort us.
Make it about me, Jesse.
Come on, Jesse, don't make it generic.
- Make it about Corey, damn. - Shh!
I was.
Just let me get to it.
God, please comfort this man named
Corey, that is our friend.
He's laying before you right now, dying.
And he could really use your love and your strength.
Lord, yes, he's made a lot of mistakes.
He ain't perfect.
None of us are.
And dealing with pain, Lord, it's hard.
It can do things to you.
It can-- it can make you feel helpless.
And it can make you feel crazy.
With all the doubts in our life and all the fears,
help us let go, Lord.
Help us give ourselves to you.
To give you the reins.
Give us the strength to follow your path
no matter where it might lead.
Sometimes we let jealousies corrupt us.
Sometimes we don't think about how we act
and how it affects others.
And we do things that we regret.
We all fall off the path, Dear Lord.
That is who we are.
We are imperfect beings trying to become something more.
We are at your mercy, Dear Lord,
and we humbly ask you to guide Corey to Your kingdom.
He may not deserve it.
But maybe he'll make a better angel than he was a man.
We ask these things in your name.
Amen.
- Amen. - Amen.
Sad fact of life is we lose people.
But if we do it right, we also find new ones along the way--
new loves.
Faithful companions that we call family.
That's what marriage is.
Instead of traditional vows, you two
have come up with your own unique expressions of love.
Let us begin.
Thank you, Daddy.
Now give me that finger.
Dee, dee.
Beautiful.
I now pronounce you married men.
Praise be to He!
Whoo!
That's my baby bro!
Well, Eli, you did it.
All the kids are finally married off.
Congratulations.
You are officially a free man.
Never thought I'd see the day.
Nor did I.
Congratulations, Eli.
So what's next for you, Casanova?
I don't know.
Maybe go fishing.
Hm.
Back out to sea by your lonesome?
I saw Ms. Lori wasn't here.
Well, I guess shit just got too complicated.
I mean, her ex-husband trying to rape and kill us
and your kids killing her kid?
That was just a bridge too far, I guess.
We're good.
No bad blood there.
Well, go get you some happiness, Eli.
You ain't dead yet.
For once, I agree with him.
Now I must go dance my ass off!
Saying goodbye is never easy.
It's not something I've ever been good at.
Sometimes it's easier to never say goodbye and just
leave things where they lay.
Don't wrap it up nice and neat.
Don't look for closure in a goodbye.
We rarely get the closure we want.
Most times we don't even get the closure we need.
Sometimes things happen, and the life we knew
is taken from us just like that.
It can happen fast.
It's in those times you realize how precious
friends are, family,
how important it is to let Jesus' love find you
through them so that we can lift each other up,
so that we can fly ever higher.
5, 4, 3, 2, 1!
When things change, it's easy
to give in to the darkness.
When we hold on to pain too tight,
we lose the ability to grab the light.
Sometimes grabbing that light feels impossible.
So let go.
His love is there for you always,
just like I will be there for you.
Even if years go by and we lose our way to each other,
know I'll always be waiting, ready to share my love.
I'm here whenever you need me.
Please don't ever forget that.
Where you heading off to, sailor?
How did you find me?
You know I always got your number.
I figured you could maybe use a first mate.
You know, someone to point you in the right direction
when you--
when you get lost.