I don't know how Brother Kelvin does it. My nerves are in knots right now.
- I can handle it if you want me to. - No.
He gave the responsibility to me.
It's my duty to achieve.
Hiya. I'll be today's leader of this ice cream and wiener party.
Also-and this is also Tarin. If you need anything.
- Where is Kelvin? - Nothing bad has happened to him.
He's not dead. He believes in me so much,
he gave me this opportunity to prove myself.
You know, this is good, because we've known Kelvin for years,
but we haven't had the pleasure of getting to know you yet, Keefe.
Keefe is a sick breakdancer.
Well, you've got their respect. That's the most important thing.
Hey, Blondie. It is you.
- Oh, no. - I know you!
Yeah, buddy, it's me, Clarence.
I own the adult emporium off the highway.
You cleaned me out a couple days back.
Bought every last butt-buzzer I had I stock.
You stop by next week. We just got some premium fuck dolls.
Take care, buddy.
It's not what you think. It's something we did with your kids.
Why don't we all enjoy some ice creams and wieners together?
Thank you. Good afternoon. A pleasure to be a part of the society.
- Who you planning to shoot? - Ain't shoot nobody.
I'm practicing some potential moves for my swearing in ceremony.
- Like choreography to music? - No.
This is a very serious organization.
Cape and Pistol is the most elite of ministers and pastors.
My daddy was a lot older than me when they finally swore him in.
And yet here I am. My time to shine.
Finally, motherfuckers. Nothing can stop me now.
What the hell are you doing, dummy?
Can't anybody have any damn privacy around here?
Pontius, can you take Michaela and go somewhere?
Like where? You said we weren't allowed in my room.
You can go outside. Enjoy some nature.
Nature sucks. Shit's boring.
You got a really smart-ass mouth for a little boy
who didn't get accepted into one single college.
How come none of them mouth smarts are in your brain, dickhead?
If you wanna be a winner like your old man,
who's being inducted into a super exclusive organization...
...you're going to college. You can pick it or we will.
I bet you the boys of the Citadel would split your ass
like a pair of Chinese chopsticks.
You can pay for classes, don't mean I'll go.
Don't mean I'll go.
This whole Pete Davidson act you got going on does not suit you.
Tattoos and a dumb-ass haircut? It's not original. You're not him.
- I'm not trying to be Pete Davidson. - Well, good, because you're not.
Fuck my parents.
- I do not like his girlfriend. - She definitely seems like a bitch.
- Reading about Hitler? - No, asshole. John Adams.
The pleasures of retirement is
you don't have to work on a sermon on a Sunday morning.
You seen my boys? They're gonna to be late for church,
even if it is a TV show church.
- They left a couple hours ago. - Where they go?
Getting ready for church.
Praise the Lord, his righteousness at hand.
Holy war, the battle has begun.
So praise the Lord,
his righteous love has come.
I know.
- You all are crazy. - That ain't right.
The haircuts are good, but I don't love those suits.
- What's that material? - Silk, momma.
- I don't like how shiny it is. - It's supposed to be shiny, I think.
- It is. That's considered good. - Good for a lady's negligee.
A little loud and proud for me. But that's fine.
You can't ever give it up. Always talking that trash.
I mean, their lives sure have improved since coming here.
Karl's presenting like a straight-up cunt-smasher now.
Hi, everybody!
Peter!
- You got no business here, Peter. - I come in peace.
I'm here to apologize to my sons, and that's it.
All right. I'll make this quick. Boys, I apologize. I was wrong.
I accused you of being betrayers, and now I know that it wasn't you.
- Who was it, Pa? - Lucas.
Fat-ass Lucas. I believe it.
And now I'd like you to come back home with me.
We got a brand-new place. It's a beautiful old farm.
Like real nice. Tons of birds.
They ain't going nowhere with you. You go home to your tons of birds.
I think the boys can speak for themselves.
Well?
Papa, we got a good thing going here.
The Gemstones, they've been like family.
'Cause they gave you some fancy haircuts? Some new clothes?
You think you look like slick boys? You look silly. plain ridiculous.
We ain't going, Pa. Please leave.
Yeah. Read the room, dude.
You're gonna read the back of my hand if you sass me again, Judy.
You're gonna get your ass shot if you don't get the fuck out of here.
- Who's gonna shoot me? - I am.
I was about to say the same fucking thing.
Beat us to the draw.
You all Gemstones of the Rednecks. Look at you.
Fine.
Little Gabriel is gonna blow his horn. When he does, the reckoning will come.
I think he might be blowing that horn a little sooner than you think.
Honk!
It happened so fast. I didn't have time to shoot him.
Why did he honk my nose?
I assume he identified you as the weakest person at this table.
When did you guys get guns?
"Keefe is creepy. I'm not comfortable with him around kids."
I told you, it's no good.
This is bonkers. What the fudge, Keefe?
You had one job. It's your only responsibility.
What happened?
I bumped into that fellow that I bought all the bullets and the dildos
and the butt-buzzers and the plugs and stuff from at the porno store,
and he outed me in front of the parents.
Did you explain that you bought all this stuff on church business?
I tried, but I just couldn't seem to articulate
how buying bunches of sex toys was in the best interest of the church.
Keefe, if you are not capable of running Parents and Teens United,
are you really qualified to be my assistant youth pastor?
No.
Yes.
This is not good, Keefe. Speak of this no more.
This kind of talk makes my a-hole burn.
I hate to think I'm responsible for your a-hole burning, brother.
Learn to paint while you drink fine wines?
You always know about the coolest activities, Lollipop.
Well, BJ, your wife is one of the cools.
So cool. Do you like my painting?
- Is that your cock? - He's my childhood pet, Rags.
Is Rags an explosive diarrhea that you named?
He was my dog.
I never got the pleasure to meet Rags, so that's why I don't recognize him.
It's just my gyno's office. They're just like texting me
about a routine "holes and folds" checkup.
Stephen: "Text me back or else."
Another one?
They sent it twice. Robots.
So annoying they would send it twice. I already got the appointment.
Somebody sent me a dick pic. I better text this guy back,
let him know he's got the wrong recipient.
No. BJ, just block it.
But some lucky gal is missing out on that glorious cock shot.
BJ, that's a perv, okay?
That's like an old-school dude in a raincoat trying to flash people
to get his rocks off.
Okay. There. It's blocked.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
"Told ya."
Geez Louise, what was that all about?
I'm just trying to do a panes of glass. You know what I mean?
It was just like constant medical checks.
How can somebody have a good time with her husband? Let's paint and sip.
The cape shall embrace you like the arms of Jesus Christ.
You wear it in celebration of his love.
The pistol gives the power to take life.
The Lord gave us free will to do what we choose.
It is a righteous man who wears the pistol yet does no evil.
Jesse Gemstone, under the eyes of God,
you are hereby inducted into the Cape and Pistol Society.
Congrats, Jesse. A made man.
That's right. Finally a part of the Cape and motherfucking Pistol.
Jesse, we don't talk like that in Cape and Pistol.
- You all don't do cuss words? - No.
My bad. Thanks for keeping me in the dark on that one, Daddy.
Anyway, it was a long ride but I knew, eventually, I would make it to the top.
Of course, you knew.
Isn't that some kind of a given for somebody like you?
I'm sorry. How so?
Well, maybe because you're Eli Gemstone's son.
Maybe that's got something to do with it.
I earned this on my own merits.
I run one of the largest churches in the entire country.
So stop tripping, buddy. Tell him, Daddy.
Of course, you learned it. Just settle down, Jesse.
Dr. Gemstone's running defense. I love it. Just making an observation.
- Wee, wee, sucker. - Don't you wee, wee, sucker me.
You have appeared to have gotten some sort of ass-whooping.
That's correct. Didn't rob me or nothing. Just beat me.
- And the cops don't know who did it. - No, they don't.
I just thank the Lord that my sister and brother weren't around.
Just somebody who is trying to teach you a lesson in particular.
Maybe somebody you crossed or were very rude to or something.
- I don't know. - Well, I'm not so sure.
I am. I'm sure.
- This bread is the fucking tits. - Excuse me.
You're not supposed to cuss in Cape and Pistol.
Yeah. No fucking dude. My daddy already told me.
It's a talent. A level of respect we show each other.
Show some respect, Jesse.
Profanity in the chambers. A white slap shall be issued.
White slap? What the fuck is that?
Jesse Gemstone. Jesse, I'm here. Hang on now.
What the fuck are you doing?
Hey, what you think? I made it in. I heard you is being sworn in today.
Well, come on now. Let me in. Hook me up.
This is a secret society. You can't just roll up in.
It ain't a secret if I heard about it. If you ain't gonna make Baba Bonkers,
maybe some of these other influential Christians will.
None of Cape and Pistol are gonna give a fuck about Baba Bonkers.
Boy, I watched you become a man, but don't think
I won't bend you over my knee and turn that fat ass red now.
I'd love to see you turn this big, fat ass red.
I'll give you 20 bucks to try and see what happens.
I don't need $20 to kick your ass. Let's go. I'll show you right now.
What you gonna do, you fucking old man? Get the fuck off.
Go back inside your little fucking Mickey Mouse club now.
- Goddamn Harry Potter wannabes. - No, we're not.
You're so hell-bent on running this church the way your daddy did.
Only problem is, Jesse Gemstone, you ain't your fucking daddy.
What did my daddy had that made him so fucking special?
He had a star by his side, your mama. You ain't got that. What you got?
- You got you and two not really stars. - Actually, that is kind of the reality.
Ain't no kind of about it, Jesse. If you wanna capture the magic,
you need your mama, and I can give it to you now.
What are you gonna do, dress up like her?
I ain't nobody gonna put on no female clothes.
I'm talking about resurrection. Bringing her back to life.
Uncle Baby Billy, I don't know what you're smoking but I ain't buying it.
No one in our family trusts you. I ain't about to start.
Thanks for coming by and giving me congratulations on my induct-ments.
Resurrection, boy, from the ashes in fulfillment of the scriptures.
Put it back on that stage. Restore the kingdom.
Come see me when you're ready to believe in miracles!
What the hell was that?
You got pocket gophers. We're just doing a little pest control for you.
It sounded like a bomb went off.
We made a little homemade explosive with some fertilizer, some gas.
One more, we've cleared out the whole den for you.
You know we got a ground crew for that kind of stuff.
We know. But they ain't half as good as we are.
Plus, we just wanna show you we appreciate all you've done for us.
I appreciate the thought. I'm proud of the way you stood up to your daddy.
I know it wasn't easy. We're happy you all are here.
Here it goes.
- You got scared. - No, I didn't.
- You see any gophers? - Not no more.
Parents of teens, good to see you all.
This is a good turnout. Very cool.
So I just wanted to address some of the letters I received in the SBC.
That is suggestion box comments.
The issue is simple. We do not feel safe with the assistant youth pastor.
- We heard he's a devil worshiper. - That's false. Fake news.
No, Keefe is an ex-Satan worshiper.
I don't judge people's past. I used to sell fireworks on the side of the road.
But I don't want him influencing our children.
You don't have to worry about Keefe around children.
I vouch for him. He is one of my closest personal friends. He is my dude.
With all the rumors swirling about you, can't you see how strange this looks?
- There's rumors swirling about me? - Remove him or we remove our kids.
Okay. Thank you for your feedback. Enjoy your Woks On Water.
I was hoping Thomas would be here today. He's my usual partner.
Someone slashed all his tires. He can't make it.
- Well, that's disturbing. - We need to find you a new partner.
I'll play.
BJ, right? Didn't recognize you. You're always in a suit in church.
Well, don't let the Versace couture fool you. It's still me.
- So you go to Salvation Center? - I do. I'm Steven.
- I actually work with your lady. - Nice! She's a lot of fun, right?
- Is she ever? Should we rock out? - Yeah. Let's rock out.
Although, I think pickleball is a little bit more like jazz.
It feels good. Get the blood flowing. Lately, it's been rushing to my cock.
- Oh, for real? - Yeah, bro.
I've been hooking up with this chick, so hot. Horniest gal I've ever met.
You should see how wet her pussy gets.
I touch her and it's just instantly fucking dripping.
- Fucking full-on rainfalls. - Well, thanks for filling in.
I'm filling in all right.
I just meant that my usual team mate, Thomas, isn't here today.
I'm talking about how, hopefully, I'll be filling in this chick's pussy.
I dry-humped her till I came.
Had the fucking map of Hawaiian Islands all down my slacks.
Time out, you guys. Time out.
Steven, I have to say, I find what you're saying offensive.
Do you?
I don't really enjoy poontang talk with other fellas.
I know it's seen as locker room chat but I find it to be disrespectful.
- You're a weak little fag, ain't you? - No. I'm a straight cis male.
But I don't believe that queer people should be referenced that way.
You fellas gonna play pickleball or keep flapping them gums?
I love her, you dick!
Henry. You're bleeding so much. Is he on blood thinners?
They said Jesus struggled with the crossword.
He always got stuck at two across.
- You're going to hell, Eli. - Maybe not today. It's too nice out.
Yeah, it is pretty here in the garden. I can see why Aimee-Leigh liked it.
I thought it was a bad thing to treat yourself nice, is it?
Yeah, I could never live like you do. All the things you have.
I was never jealous of your riches.
But I am jealous that your kids still love you.
That's more than I can say about my own.
Don't mistake love for dependency. I feel like one of them old dogs
with swollen nipples you see on a ranch searching for shade.
You look like one too.
It's been three years since those boys played their instruments for me.
They refused to because they know it gives me joy.
- That's how much they hate me. - They don't hate you, May-May.
- You're just hard to love sometimes. - Gave them everything I could.
The problem is I never had a damn thing.
We are here to discuss when people think people might be molesting people.
- Keefe's gotta go, Kelvin. - What? Okay.
I can't even believe what I'm hearing. Fire Keefe?
He just can't be assistant youth pastor anymore.
Martin thinks there might be a place for him in immigrant outreach.
Okay. I like working with Keefe closely.
- Okay. - He'll be so crushed.
Think about your own family's feelings for once instead of Keefe's!
Do you know what it feels like to be me
who fucking makes sacrifices right and left to run this shit?
Why are you acting like you're the only one doing stuff? We all do!
The stuff that your friend is doing, the molesting
or whatever the fuck is going on there, that is not good for the church.
Church leaders gotta think about optics, Kelvin.
- You need to suck it up, homie. - Like you sucked it up on tour?
How fucking dare you?
- You two. - I'm gonna fuck you up.
- Both of you, enough. - Fucker. I'm gonna get you.
Enough!
No, Jesse. No, son. I don't like that. I don't like you acting like daddy.
I don't like how you're both acting, like little immature babies. Sit down.
I'm sitting down 'cause I want to.
This isn't fair and I think you all know that. Martin, you got anything to say?
Life is not fair.
And Keefe as assistant youth pastor does not work.
This is not the hill to die on, Kelvin. I'm sorry.
I'm just getting my coffee. I'm leaving. I vote no on everything else today.
The next thing we're gonna vote for was funding the battered women's shelter.
It's a no.
Ran into your coworker Steven at the pickleball court.
- Pardon? - Steven. Spikey hair man from music.
What's up with him? What did he say? What did he want?
We played as a team but it was strange. He started doing graphic sex talk.
I didn't really get on board. I kind of upset him.
What kind of graphic sex talk? That's so weird.
Explicit descriptions of sex acts he'd done with a woman.
How her vaginal secretions made full puddles on the ground.
How she liked it when he shot into his own trousers, was kind of gross.
I said, "No, thanks." He lashed out at me.
The dude's a sicko, BJ. He's got major problems in his brain.
- That's why he got fired. - Steven got fired? What for?
I don't know. It was like a time's up me too type deal.
That's why he was so prickly with me. He's upset he lost his job.
I should call him.
What? No! Don't you dare do that. Just leave it alone.
Sometimes when men boasts, they're really just insecure.
Stop trying to figure this dude out.
You are a good guy. He is a very bad guy. That's it.
- I didn't know you felt so strongly. - I don't know.
I feel like the opposite of strongly.
Don't give a shit whether the dude lives or dies.
I lean toward hoping he dies today. But, also, I could care less.
Look who it is. It's your favorite cousin Jesse.
Big, bad Jesse. You ready for a miracle?
Nephew, prepare yourself.
Here she comes.
Hey, buddy. What you working on?
I'm fashioning pieces of construction paper into crosses
for the youth group bulletin board, but they keep coming out like daggers.
I'm sure it's fine, Keefe.
I have to talk to you about something, and it's not easy to talk about.
- Sexual stuff? - No.
We're gonna move you out of youth group. But guess what?
I got you a gig in immigrant outreach.
You're finally gonna get to use your Cantonese.
Hen ku. That means very cool. I looked it up.
I understand. I'm sorry for the trouble I brought upon you.
You were no trouble. You saved me
and I will walk the righteous path from here on out because of you.
It's time to take what I've learned
and put it to good use, alone, by myself.
No, Keefe. We're just shifting your position.
I need to give you space that the air can be cleared.
- I don't want space. - I'll move out.
This is a big decision. Take your time. You should pray on it.
I'll be out tomorrow.
You Gemstones were stars destined to burn bright.
Best I step aside.
Keefe.
Hey, sexy!
- So you're stalking my husband now? - I told you I wouldn't give up.
Hey, Steven, you gave it the college try. But my decision stands.
This is never gonna happen. It's a mistake I never should have made.
- I love BJ. - I hate Christie.
I wish I could chop her head off while she's making omelets.
- Okay. Do it. - I would.
Whatever you do, I need you to respect my wishes and stop harassing me.
Harassing you? You want me, Judy.
No, boy. If I wanted you, I would have you.
I'm just doing what I thought you're supposed to do when you're a rock star.
I thought, "people wanna fall in love with me, suck my dick, so be it."
It turns out I'm not Daniel Le Roux. I'm Judy Gemstone.
I'm BJ Barnes' bitch and no one else's. You're not half the man that he is.
- It's funny you should mention him. - Judy, what are you doing here?
Called my old pickleball partner here to bury the hatchet.
See... I can't stand all this lying anymore.
Exhausting to live that way.
So... do you wanna tell him the truth, Judy,
or do I have to?
- Hi, Mama. - What's going on? Who died?
We just thought that we'd play our music for you.
We're gonna play Sinner You Better Get Ready. Your favorite.
Two, three, four.
Sinner, you better get ready. O, you better get ready, halleluia.
Sinner, you better get ready. Time's comin' when the sinner must die.
O, sinner man, you better pray.
Time's a-comin' when the sinner must die.
Get prepared for your judgment day...
- Pontius, what the fuck? - Get the fuck out!
Put your fucking pants on and come to my office.
About to be burned in the flames of hell.
Time's comin' when the sinner must die.
We were horny, so we fucked. Big whoop.
It is a big whoop, Pontius. You're my son. I'm head of the church.
Co-head.
All right. You know what? I was gonna be cool but fuck that.
The reason why Michaela was allowed to come to this house
is because we trust you. But if you're gonna sit there
and put jism on her behind our backs then you can kiss that trust goodbye.
Trust is a gift that should be cherished. Life is tough.
When you allow yourself to trust another person
that takes some of the weight off.
And that's why it stings extra when that trust is betrayed.
People do not like having the rug pulled out from underneath them.
Love can be lost. Relationships can be damaged forever.
It can take years and years to mend all that wasted fucking time.
Trust is the only thing keeping the entire house of cards standing.
Without it, we're left with a shit stained world full of liars and cheats.
Somebody gifting you their trust is a very powerful thing.
So breaking that trust is the equivalent of saying,
"Hey, buddy, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about what you think".
Is that what you want? Is that what you wanna portray to me and your mom?
"Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad. Fuck you. I don't give a fuck about what you think."
Someone saying fuck you to family will not be tolerated in this house.
As your father, have I made myself clear?
Yeah. Whatever.
We love you, Mama.
That's for you, Mama.
You proud, Pa? We do good?
Five thousand pounds of ammonium nitrate.
You stick that up Uncle Sam's ass and bull him straight to Mars.
Yes, you did good, boys.
You did real good.
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