The Redeemer,
like The Lord our God above, shall destroy them with a mighty destruction
until they all be destroyed!
Through God's teachings we can be the Monster Truck.
We can smush the things that the devil puts in our way.
- Now, can I get an Amen? - Amen!
Y'all know I don't like to cuss,
but what in the hell is this horse shit I am looking at right now?
- Momma said the S word. - This has nothing to do with church.
He's making us look like fools. Talking about we can be like a monster truck.
I can't believe y'all let him pull this Hot Wheels mess.
A good turnout at least. Avery profitable Friday night.
That's got to count for something. Putting butts in the seats.
Money ain't everything, baby. What we gonna do, start selling beer next?
Get your ice cold beer, here! Beer, beer, beer!
Get your ice cold beer! Beer, beer, beer!
You. You're nothing but a fool.
Pretending on TV to be all kind and caring. But I know the truth.
- May-May? - Damn you to hell, Aimee-Leigh!
Somebody help me, she's trying to kill me!
Help Me! Help! Help me! She's trying to kill me!
You think I'd just live with it? What you done to my family?!
Please, May-May. This ain't the way.
Now it's your turn to feel...
What the hell? I'm sorry.
We are the elite of the Evangelical world.
Our capes embrace us like the arms of Jesus Christ.
We wear it in celebration of His love.
The pistol gives the power to take life.
The Lord gave us free will to do as we choose.
Thusly, it is a righteous man who wears the pistol, yet does no evil.
Under the eyes of God we are the men of the Cape and Pistol Society.
How you enjoying your retirement, Eli?
Oh, he ain't retired. He's writing books, he's doing press.
Admit it, Eli, you can't stay ou the spotlight.
No, you better believe I'm gonna be fishin' and sippin'.
Fishin' and sippin.' You're scared your kids're gonna blow it.
Pretty much.
Glory to, to Zion. Beautiful, beautiful Zion.
Glory to, glory to Zion. The beautiful sea of love.
- Zion is a beautiful resort, sir. - Yeah. Heaven on Earth.
- Yeah. Take it in while you can. - What's that?
Really, Gregory? I had a fucking thing planned.
- I'm sorry, Jess. - What's happening right now?
Well go on, Gregory. You wanna spill the damn beans, speak outta turn.
- Tell him. Do it, damn it. - You're fired, Walker.
- Take it like a man if you can. - What are they talking about Jesse?
I've driven your daddy for years. And you know I would take a bullet.
Well, I used to think that.
Until I started seeing little tidbits about my family being publish online.
- Insights into the transition of power - You got the wrong guy, Jesse.
Behold, this was published in Christian Times.
"After the Gemstone heirs got the disma poll numbers,
Amber Gemstone made sugar cookies to lighten the mood."
Says an insider to the family.
I ain't the only one you told that story to Jesse. It's a nice story.
Sugar cookies ain't real bitch. That's a detail I made up to sniff out the rat
She made crescents, son.
You're the only one I told sugar cooks to, you fucking snitch!
- Grab his ass. - What?
- Come on, now. Oh, no! - Keep an eye out Levi.
- Get you some. - Jess, come on, please.
- Tally-ho. - What?
How you doing? We're just having fun. We're just playing around.
Dammit, Jesse. You brought me all the way to Florida just to fire me?
Yes I did. When your family asks how you broke your nose
tell them it was a kite surfing accident.
My nose ain't broken,
Yeah, it is. Kite surfing is a lot harder than it looks.
How was your Judy On Top Tour? Fun?
You know, it's life on the road. Port-to-port, city-to-city.
Screaming fans.
- Thank you. - Hey, that was a cold fish kiss.
- Everything okay, Jude? - Yes.
It's just I've been on a five state tour, Beej. I'm tired!
- Cut me some friggin'slack. Gosh. - My famous wife.
I always knew when I married you I'd have to share you with the world.
- Okay. I gotta go. - What? Already?
I have work duties, Beej. Me and my brothers run the church now.
I love you so much.
I love you too. So glad you're home!
- Keefe, this is gonna hurt... - No doubt.
We wiped out most of their stock.
That shop is gonna have nothing else to sell like this.
- Until they restock. And then what? - We'll return and buy it all again.
- Remember yourself, Taryn. - No. No, she has a point.
We're trying to shut these deviants down, not give them an economic boost.
But I'm still so impressed by you, guys.
This shows me how motivated you are to achieve the Smut Busters' goals.
No smut, no lust, no coconuts.
Part of being in the group is doing the saying when we do it.
I did not know what was happening.
Through the power of Christ's love and lasik surgery
we have restored sight to the blind at least the nearsighted.
These primitive people can see Christ's world
and read signs at night much better because of us.
I'm not sure how many of them read street signs at night in the rainforest
And that's not really the main reason why we did it.
- I didn't say it was the main reason. - You are heavily featuring it. So...
Time to wrap it up. They're trying to get back to me singing.
We're accompanying the montage, Judy. You're not the main part.
- Yeah. This isn't a solo tour, Judy. - No, it's not.
We're doing our thing right now...
Revelation will set you free.
Illumination soon you will see.
Took care of your driver Walker. That bitch is history, Daddy. Lying sneak.
I'll be needing a new driver. Somebody we can trust this time.
We'll get you one. Hopefully maybe Judy and Kelvin could help out,
seeing as how I do every other goddamn thing around here lately.
Man, Jesse, shut the fuck up. You're ain't the boss of us.
- I'm the main decider. - We're all deciders. Not just you.
Please Kelvin!
You and old slow eyes over there are off doing your damn pervert protest
to help with the church at all.
The Smut Busters have already taken down
16 porno shops on the I-95 corridor alone.
I'm glad that the truck drivers won't be able to buy dick pills. Bravo.
The point is none of y'all but Jesse are doing anything important.
You know this has been a really hard time for our family.
Our son was injured, almost killed in a work accident.
Mom, please don't.
This has been very traumatic for us and y'all don't even care.
Gideon, your mom is trying to Munchausen you.
Amber, stop trying to milk sympathy votes for your son being a crippled.
Jesse, get her ass in line.
Maybe you need to stop talking about Baron Munchausen.
- Can we please just eat in peace? - I have some not so peaceful news.
As you all know, since your Daddy he taken a step back,
there has been a decline in both attendance and donations.
I have noticed that the seats high up have been empty more and more.
Now I've been informed that one of our largest benefactors is departing.
- Who? - The race car driver, Dusty Daniels.
Dusty Daniels? The Slick Bandit? That guy is a living legend.
He's like a hundred years old. He's gonna be dead soon anyway, so oh well.
Our ministry was to receive his entire estate,
including branding, corporation, even his name.
So what? We got names. Don't need his.
His name is currently estimated to be worth over $200 million.
Motherfucker!
We were also set to inherit Dusty's slogan, "Whoweee, Sucker!"
Merchandising alone over $30 million.
Is this 'cause of the goddamn shitty poll numbers?
The ones where 85% said
you're colder than a fucking ice cube shoved up a polar bear's asshole?
I remember those same polls saying
that you're songs are when most people in church to take a shit.
- Prove it, Jesse! - I will.
Maybe if y'all stopped henpeckin' at one another
and started trying to fix what ain't work you wouldn't be in this situation.
Y'all need to go connect with him, win his confidence.
Dusty is not happy, I don't blame him.
I will try to go administer to him. We'll see if these guys will help.
I'll do it Daddy.
Grow up!
Man, real talk y'all, I don't get this race car shit.
Bunch of rednecks racing around to see who can go nowhere the fastest.
Well, now's not the time to be PMS'ing, Judy.
She's been a real B-l-T-C-H since she got back from tour.
Why's everybody wondering 'bout my tour? Asking me what happened.
I sang fuckin' songs. That's it. End of story.
- Somebody's been acting mysterious. - Fuck off.
- What happened on tour? - Fuck off, nothing.
By the way I'm on my period. Not PMS-ing.
Guys here he comes. Big smiles. Cheers. Big cheers!
- Yes. - Yes.
Whoweee, Sucker! The Slick Bandit, looking slicker than ever.
- God's fastest son on four wheels. - Someone's fixin' for a comeback?
Waste of your time coming up here.
Ain't nothing the three of you can say gonna change my mind.
Let me shoot you straight. Your church has changed.
When Eli was headin' things up I was happy.
But now that he ain't, I don't like it so much.
We are gonna make this right. We're young and up to the task dude.
That's the thing. I don't trust young people. I'm old school.
We are not as young as you think we are. I mean, Kelvin does Botox.
- I don't do Botox. Never done. - You do. You do too, do Botox.
There's an indention where sunglasses smushed your Botox'd forehead.
- There isn't one. - Right here.
Dusty, Jesse's got more grays than you do man, dude is rockin' a bad dye job.
He didn't used to look like a deformed Dracula.
- I do not look like a deformed Dracula - Yeah, you do.
I don't dye my hair! I just changed my shampoo is all you idiots!
See. Right there.
When I used to watch your Momma and Daddy, I felt the love. It was nice.
I don't feel the love in this current configuration.
So I'm pulling up my stakes and I making a change.
We love each other, we do. We're in love with each other. We always do.
All the juice here.
- Whoooweee, sucker! - Oh, there you go.
Jesus in Jerusalem. The fucking Simkins.
Good to see you.
Dusty, tell me you have not signed with these snake oil salesmen?
Take it easy, Jesse. We don't want no ill will with the Gemstones.
- Dusty and our family go way back. - I worship with them now.
They're "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" type folks. I like that.
Nobody handed it to 'em.
After Mom and Dad died in the plane crash.
- Here we go. - I had to raise my siblings.
I could've returned Craig to the orphanage,
but I knew my parents wouldn't have wanted that.
So we banded together. To finish what they so humbly started.
Look where we are today. Helping millions around the world.
- And getting bigger every day. - Yes, ma'am.
- Hey Dusty, you are looking good. - I appreciate that, Shay.
You ain't looking so bad yourself.
Hey Dusty, sup boy. I also think you're a hot man.
Not just Shay, she's not the only one here.
How am I looking to you right now? Pretty good too?
You look good. All y'all look good. But it ain't all about the looks.
That's a really good thing, because if it were, we'd win by a mile.
- Am I right? - You're right.
- Our bodies. - No one looking as fine as me.
You're gorgeous, Craig.
Dusty, You've worshipped with our family for 35 plus years.
- You gotta give us another shot. - I'll tell you what?
Y'all want me to be a member of your church so bad,
why don't you battle for me.
Like a foot race? Or see who can hold their breath the longest?
- Like an egg toss? - Nah. Let's settle it in one of those.
- I don't really know stock cars... - Chicken, Simkins?
What are they doing?
Dusty, we feel the Lord has led you to where you're supposed to be,
worshipping with us: I'll drive on behalf of my family.
- What are you doing? - Trying to hold y'all hands.
Just let it happen fuckers.
Dusty we as well believe
that the Lord wants to have you on our side too.
So, on behalf of my family, I will drive too.
- So, awkward. - So, there it is.
Okay, Homie. You sure you got this?
My car at home is fast as fuck. How can this be any different?
Besides, you heard him, he said he's got zero experience.
I said no experience in stock cars. I've dabbled in Formula One.
- That son of a bitch. - That means he's gonna F it up.
Let's race!
Goddamn it!
- Do the gas! Do the gas! - My car is broken.
Go you fucking race car go!
- Fuck! - What happened, Jesse?
- This is embarrassing, dude. - Whooweee sucker!
Now that I'm semi-retired, this change has given me time
to reflect on my life and my journey with Christ.
And I've put these reflections down into written word.
My definith autobiography. Why definitive you ask?
Well, because it's about the third one I've written.
I guess I lived longer than I thought, and I still have a little more to say.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you very much for coming. I knew I recognized you.
- God bless you, and have a great day. - Thank you. Bless you.
- You got a lot of nerve coming here. - Well, I paid the signing fee.
Figures you have to pay money to get a little face time.
We've got a restraining order against you. Security!
- I need your help, Eli. - I don't care what you need.
Aimee-Leigh would hear me out. You know she would.
How dare you say her name! Get her out of here! No.
- I need your help! It's my boys, Eli! - Get out!
I wouldn't have come to you otherwise. Let go of me. I'm going!
39 Christian marriage counselors were brought on as consultants
to ensure that the system was effective.
A program you can use at home to help your marriage better honor Jesus Christ
For just $500 you get The System starter kit,
which has everything you need to begin your journey
to a happy and healthy marriage in the eyes of the Lord.
Is your marriage important to you? Then what are you waiting for?
Call now!
- Well, did y'all get Dusty back? - Nope.
Lost him to the fucking Simkins of all people.
The siblings whose parents died in a plane crash?
Yes. They're so fucking lucky.
I wish I had some traumatic event that I can exploit to make people like us.
Our origin story sucks compared to theirs.
Ain't nobody's rooting for born wealthy people to become more wealthy.
- I'm really worried. Are you? - No. A little concerned.
I wish that Judy and Kelvin's mouths were taped shut
and that you were the only one in charge.
Baby, their energy makes y'all look desperate.
That's because we are desperate. We're picking up where Eli Gemstoni left off.
A man who's done this job for a fucking hundred thousands of years
and America's Jesus Daddy.
I'm not trying to rain on your parade.
I'm glad you have your counseling, thing-a-ma-bob, or whatever this is.
- The System? - Sure. Whatever.
It's taking up a lot of your time.
And this is a moment where I could really use all hands on deck at home.
What's not getting done at home?
Our son, Pontius, has tattooed another word on his fucking face?
Blessed. I know.
It seems you're giving a lot of attention to other people's relationships
and if you focused more on your own,
we wouldn't have children putting fucking calligraphy on their faces.
Look, baby, I know that you're upset. But please don't take it out on me.
A small decline was to be expected for this kind of transition.
You know what it's like when it's like when Jay Leno took over for Carson.
It was a rocky there for a bit.
But what happened in the end? Leno shot to the top.
What if we're not Leno, what if we're just Conan?
Fuck me.
This ministry helped me unlock the best version of myself.
And I'm not just saying that because I'm married into the family.
Who knows what Gemstone Salvation Center can do for you?
Now, Janice and Tall have enrollment packages.
Scan the QR code for easy step-by-step instructions
on how to have tithing automatically deducted from your account each month.
It's never been easier to share your praise.
I am crushing my Welcome Center duties. They were feelin' me today.
And you're really working it. That's for sure.
- Here. I got you some gifts. - Gifts? Why?
I thought about what a good husband you are and how much I love you.
- Go ahead, take a look! - Okay.
An infrared meat thermometer, a Theragun, a VR Headset?
I've been wanting one of these.
Now I can fully immerse myself in the nature
and space games that I gravitate toward.
These are really thoughtful, Judy. But this isn't necessary.
God dang, why you gotta kick my gift horse in the nuts right now?
Is everything okay?
It feels like things have been a little off since you got back from tour.
Oh, my God. What? No! Everything's great.
Why are you reading stuff into things? Everything is awesome.
I just love you and I wanted to give you presents.
- Don't emotionally disappoint me. - Love you too. Thank you for the gifts
Just like any family, we've had our ups and downs.
And it's no secret we've faced some controversy.
In the early 2000s, we found ourselves in a war with the press and detractors.
My wife would stay awake concerned with how people saw her.
But they were getting the wrong message.
I assured her...
- Mind if we take little break? - Yes, sir. We can take a small break.
Goddamn. What the hell are y'all cooking out here?
- Devil's objects. - Devil's objects?
I don't think you're supposed to bur this stuff. That shit' poisonous.
I don't feel very well.
The smoke was green from the butt plugs, and smelled like pool toys.
Keefe, how bout we take a break from the burn pit? Give us a moment?
What you doing here, Jesse? Still trying to fight?
Talking about how you're the only one doing things, hmm?
No, actually that's not what I'm here to do. I came to apologize.
I'm sorry I made fun of your Botox'd indented forehead in front of Dusty.
That's not how co-church leaders should act.
I don't have a dented Botox forehead. I was just holding my face funny.
- Well, you know, even if you do. - Well, I don't.
But if you do dye your sideburns,
I'm sorry I said that you look like a deformed Dracula.
Well I don't dye my sideburns. But I accept your apology.
- Good. - Great.
- I have a Botox forehead, so... - I don't dye my sideburns.
I'm scared, Jesse. What if we don't have what it takes?
I'm scared too.
The only one way through this, I guess is
if we just have to rise the occasion. Refuse to fail.
- How we gonna do that? - Together.
- Do we have to include Judy? - Even that bitch.
The diva is back, y'all. Hey, everybody! What's up?
Stephen, I'm glad you're here. Would you be up
for going through some guitar solos on Angels Lift Me Higher?
- Sure. - Hey, everybody, listen up!
Stephen and I need to work on some important creative stuff
with guitar solo stuff for one of the songs.
So, if everybody could leave us alone? That'd be great.
Y'all get it. Artistry. Get a little rest or get you a coke or whatever.
See yo soon Tamothy, you did a great job on tour.
Oh, fuck, I missed this.
Being bad like some bitch in an '80s movie.
So glad I had to come in and unload the last of that tour gear.
- I had to see you. - Well you saw me enough.
And now, it's time to nut up. Because road head is road head.
That's just the rules of the tour. We can't be bringing this shit home.
We helped each other through a very trying time in our lives,
by dry humping twice and kissing three times, now that's four.
But we can't take this any further or we could cause some real damage.
So this, this is goodbye, Stephen.
- You'll have suffer through the pain. - Very well, Judy Gemstone.
Quit it, Stephen.
I said quit it. You understand me?
What the fuck is this?!
That's how that part of the song goes. It goes like up and then down.
- I should go practice. - You keep your fucking ass right here.
- You're cheating, Judy? Gross! - No, Kelvin, this ain't what you think
Oh, it's not? Do you know this young lady is married?
- Yeah. I am too. - Y'all are a bunch of dirtbags.
Kelvin, you fucking dork! We're rehearsing a song. This is not a deal.
- Great rehearsal, Stephen. - Very good working with you.
Thank you for rehearsing. Au Chante.
Au Chante, motherfucker, you can go right now.
You come back around here again, I'll send your ass straight to hell.
- I work here though. - Not anymore, you don't, bro.
- He works for me. - As main decider, he is fired.
- Well, he's rehired. - I'm re-firing him for infinity.
- Bye-bye, bitch! - You have to. Two outvotes one.
- Get the fuck outta here. - Be gone Stephen!
Sugar Ray looking motherfucker. Get the fuck out of here.
- Get out of here. Come on. - You get out!
Don't stomp him, Jesse. Fuck, he's leaving.
What the fuck, Judy? You think we can handle this scandalous bullshit now?
Oh, fuck off, Jesse. Like you ain't done your fair share of illicit shit.
I was on tour y'al. This is the shit that happens on the road.
- What the fuck are y'all even here for? - We came here to do something nice.
To have a fucking sibling bonding pep talk about the future.
- Instead I come here to see this... - Fine, let's fucking pep it up, bros.
Come on, sibling bonding. Put your hands in. New generation on three.
I'm saying how we do hands. We're holding hands.
Give me your fucking hands. Go on. Hold her fucking hands.
To the new generation, united, some...
Okay, Jesse, this is not natural. We do not hold hands.
Well, the Simkins hold hands. It seems fucking natural.
We ain't a holding hands family. Okay, dude? We never have been.
We do hands on hands, okay? We're not the freaking Simkins.
You can sure as shit say that again.
Y'all don't tell on me.
- Been a while since you've been here. - Oh, damn. Yes, it has.
I'm surprised you want anything to do with this place after the bad memories.
It's all I got left.
- You know, after Peter went away... - I'm not here to talk about Peter.
After he went away, the bank took the house.
The boys turned mean. Bitter. They scare me, Eli.
I know you haven't spoken to the family in many years.
- I had good reason for that. - I had good reason to do what I done.
- Oh, here we go. - Look at you, Mr. Hotshot Preacher.
You got more piss and vinegar than you did when you was begging for help.
What's this about?
Peter got out. My boys left me and followed him.
I think they're in trouble. I don't know if they're selling guns, or drugs.
- Do you expect me to do something? - I'd die without my boys.
I got no one else. Please, Eli.
After all this time, why should I help you?
Because you're my big brother, Eli.
Please help us win, God. Please help everyone accept us.
And for us to be triumphant over those that would seek to destroy us.
Do we have confirmed visual?
Visual confirmed.
Take the motherfucker to church.
- You drove right into me! - You fucked up my bumper.
Don't even try. You were at fault here. Let's see your insurance.
It's behind you.
Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down!
Take him in the car.
Shut it down! Shut it down!
Get out of here.
Shut it down!