Dan: Ask around, look on the Internet.
I'm telling you, they've already got punctureless tires,
and they've been hiding it from us since the 1920s.
Did you ever see one of those Keystone Kops movies
where they're chasing bootleggers?
40 cops hanging off of one truck, never a blowout.
Never.
Okay, who gave the Michelin Man an energy drink
first thing in the morning?
That drink was in the fridge, and it had my name on it, Dan.
Community property, baby. I left half in there for you.
Actually, I drank the other half.
It's cute you think there's rules.
Hey, everyone.
Yes, yes, it is me.
The guy from the Olinsky Hardware commercial
you all know and love,
playing on the pumps at the Stop 'N Gas!
Oh, my God. It's really you?
Here, just make it out to Darlene... Ah.
...the woman who is so sad
that you're so excited about this. Mm.
For your information, the gas pump ads
have been a great promotion for us.
We've increased our sales by 25%.
Oh, man. I could use that at The Lunch Box.
Now that football season's over and basketball season's going,
everybody's hanging out at The Drink and Dribble.
Oh, yeah. That's where The Squat and Gobble used to be.
I miss the old Squat and Gobble.
That place would still be going
if they'd have had chairs in the joint.
Hey, Jackie, I can make you a gas pump commercial
like mine, no problem.
We can shoot the whole thing on my phone.
Really? Could I come up with the concept?
Sure, yeah.
It just has to be under 15 seconds
or you get cut off by the Sasquatch eating a Slim Jim.
Excuse me.
I was just upstairs grabbing more stuff to take to Aldo's,
and why is there a dining room set on my side of the bedroom?
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.
Now that Darlene and Becky are moving out,
I-I thought I'd bring some more of my stuff over
and downgrade to a smaller storage unit.
Interesting how Louise is slowly taking over the house.
She's my wife.
What exactly are you doing over here?
I'm the wise elder everybody comes to for answers.
Look, Louise is too nice to say this, but I'm not.
She's not trying to take over anything.
She's just trying to carve out some space
in a house overrun with 40-year-old step-grown-ups.
She just wants some privacy with her husband.
Well, we're all on the same page.
None of us want to accidentally see
what you two need privacy for.
But I-I can't find a decent house in this city
that I can afford.
Wait, you're a Conner.
You're supposed to buy something you can't afford
and then wake up every night for the next 30 years
with your heart racing.
Huh. It ain't my heart. That's GERD.
I'm just gonna have to start looking further out.
Maybe it's time to let go of that dream
of a place overlooking the Lanford salvage yard.
Hey, I'm a part of this, too.
I know house prices are lower
the farther away you get from Chicago,
but how far can you go?
Eventually, it's just, like, Missouri, right?
Whoa. I can't have Becky moving any further out.
She's already late three times a week
and she only lives a few blocks away.
That reminds me. I'm gonna be late today.
See? This is what I'm talking about.
I just --
I feel overwhelmed over there.
It's like I'm trying to brush the ocean back with a broom.
Yeah, you're the wise elder.
I'm sure you'll figure it out.
-- Captions by VITAC --
**
[ Knock on door ]
[ Groans ] That's not good.
Nobody knocks on our door in the afternoon
unless they expect to find us home.
It's Blansky,
the cemetery guy.
He must smell death around us.
Does anybody have a cough they haven't been able to shake?
Hey, Don! How's it going?
I'm okay.
Hey, how come I never see you around these days?
You're at the cemetery.
That's what I mean.
Stop eating so healthy.
Uh...I haven't had the pleasure.
Hi, Don. I'm Louise, Dan's wife.
And he doesn't die till I'm done with him.
Oh, well, hello.
Somebody made a deal with the devil.
Uh, but I'm actually here for another reason.
I heard through my realtor that Darlene
was looking for a house?
Yeah, stop right there, Don.
Don't try to convince me
that a crypt is a tiny house.
Ah, I've got something better.
You know my funeral home down on Pulaski?
Well, business is so good,
I'm moving into a bigger space.
Mm, well, don't expand too fast.
Who knows? People around here
could start wearing masks and eating right.
Anyway, it's a small Victorian,
and it only became a funeral home
when my grandfather opened the cemetery in the 1920s.
I've been in that place.
Did some drywall work for your dad. It's beautiful.
Look, we really appreciate you stopping by
and making our day weird, Don. Mm-hmm.
But Darlene and I
really aren't in the market for a funeral home,
but if you hear of a converted slaughterhouse,
give us a ring. Bye-bye.
Don't rule it out.
It's like me.
It's adorable, well-maintained,
and won't be on the market for long.
Take care of yourself, guy. But not too good!
Listen, he wouldn't be sniffing around here
if he had a ton of buyers.
You may be able to get this place for a song.
Yeah, because it's full of ghosts!
I'm not raising my kid in a funeral home.
Look, it's not my dream house either, but Dad's right.
It's close by, and I-I don't believe
in spirits lingering in a house.
Do you believe in adult children lingering in a house?
'Cause that's what I'm trying to fix.
Go look at the place.
**
Okay, so all I did was stand behind the counter at my store
and say, "Hi, I'm Ben Olinsky from Olinsky's Hardware.
Come on down for everything you might need
for your home, car, or RV.
And I don't know why we call it 'hardware,'
because when you come in, I make it easy."
Huh? Just do something like that.
It's just simple with a touch of genius.
Okay, here's something that won't put you to sleep
with the pump in your hand.
Alright. We're gonna start on a regular metal lunch box,
and a hand comes in, opens it up,
and the entire Lunch Box restaurant is inside
with all the customers and everything.
And then the camera swoops over to a bowl of stew,
and I'm in the stew
and I'm swimming across it like Esther Williams.
And then a big spoon comes in and scoops me up,
but before it throws me into the giant mouth,
I say, "Hey, hungry. Don't bite my head off.
Come on down to The Lunch Box.
We'll feed you happy!"
[ Laughs ]
I love it.
I do, too. I love it. I love it, too.
I just have one question. Yes?
Do you have $2 million?
What? You told me you could do the whole thing on your phone.
No, look. Come on.
This is what I can shoot, okay?
Uh...
"Hi, I'm Jackie Harris from The Lunch Box.
Come on down for some heartwarming stew.
I don't know why we call it 'The Lunch Box.'
We should call it 'The Hunch Box,'
'cause I've got a hunch you'll love it."
See, and I'm not even gonna charge you anything
for the writing.
I should charge you for having to listen to that.
Hey, come on. This started as a favor.
I know, but you're at an advantage.
People need hardware. They don't need stew.
I've got to move people into the place
and I've got to do it now!
Alright. Alright, alright.
I'm -- I'm -- I'm about ready to -- Listen...
Okay, just...
Do you have anything that's just a little less grand?
Yes, of course.
Okay, now, it's Mount Ve-stew-vius,
and instead of lava coming down, it's stew,
and people are running towards it with bowls and spoons.
So, what do you think?
Huh. [ Laughs ]
I think I can't see what you're seeing
until I take whatever you're taking.
**
Look at all the character in this place.
Stained glass windows.
Pressed tin.
This is the original oak floor.
This place is actually really nice. Mm-hmm.
It's a shame that the dead people never get to see this.
Well, feel free to look around.
We still have some stuff to box up.
[ Cellphone rings ] Oh.
Probably another offer.
W--
Mom, I'm working right now.
Well, if you want me to come over,
then make the fish sticks.
Wow, this place is way better than anything I've seen.
Holy cow. This place has an elevator!
What's he still doing here?
Is this what happens when the check bounces?
Oh, no! The door's closing by itself!
That's what elevators do.
So, what do you think so far?
I...probably would want to make some small changes,
starting with the body in the elevator.
Okay, there's no body in there, okay?
That's where I'm storing my jazz albums.
Listen, let me save everyone some time, okay?
No one's interested,
and I'm in over my head at the other place,
so here's the deal.
No money down.
You take over the mortgage.
$500 a month, and it's yours.
500 bucks?!
That is so cheap!
I wouldn't even have to pay rent, right?
Sure, but then you get the basement
with the rest of the stiffs.
Make up your mind.
The offer's only good until the fire next Tuesday.
I -- Oh, I got to pick up hamburgers.
My mom burned the fish sticks.
Would you lock up when you finish?
Thank you.
Oh, you put them in the oven.
You turn the oven on high. How hard is that?
I do it all day long.
[ Door closes ]
Oh, this is a great idea.
This is where they let the kids play
so they don't have to deal with the funeral.
Oh, wow.
You had one of these.
Hey, look. I fit.
And my feet touch the floor.
Oh.
I don't think this is a playroom.
Then what is it?
"Look for Mommy in the Clouds."
"Daddy Will See You Later."
"We're Gone, But We Haven't Stopped Loving You."
Oh, man.
This is the room where they try to console kids
who are overwhelmed by grief.
We've been so creeped out by all the body stuff
that we forgot about all the grief and suffering
that families have felt in this house.
What's "Charlotte's Web" doing here?
Charlotte dies.
Charlotte dies?
Finish a book, Becky.
This is the book I'm reading to Beverly Rose.
We have the drive home
to come up with a new ending to the story.
How about, "Charlotte is priced out of the real estate market,
and she has to go live in her dad's web,
like the 8-legged loser that she is."
That's great stew. You bet it is.
Why don't you come down and see for yourself?
We'll be here. At The Lunch Box.
Cut. No.
What? That was perfect.
No, I don't know. I-I don't know.
I don't know. I-I feel a little stiff or something.
Oh. I want to come across as warm and inviting.
Okay. Alright. No problem.
Let's try again.
Okay. Ready?
Uh...yeah.
Action.
Mmm!
[ Southern accent ] I say, how's that stew treating you,
Sugar Lump?
[ Southern accent ] I do declare,
there's a hair in this here stew.
[ Normal voice ] Okay. Alright, cut.
Guys, come on. What are we doing? Oh.
Uh, we're looking for a little thing called "tone."
What you had was good.
I am telling you, simple sells at the pump.
Yeah. But it's not good enough.
I mean, I'm killing myself trying to increase sales,
and if we only have 15 seconds to grab an audience,
then it has to be perfect, right?
Yes, yes. Alright.
My God!
I want you to be happy with it, so here we go.
Ready?
Um...yeah.
Action.
That's great stew. You bet your ass it is,
and if you're the hundredth person
that comes through that door and says, "I want stew,"
you're getting a date with this feisty young thing.
You're pimping me for stew?
It's advertising 101. Bait and switch. Right?
Come in for the hot girl, you get the hot stew.
What the...
Alright, look.
It's your decision,
but it is kind of feeling like you've blurred the line
between diner food and human trafficking.
Okay.
I don't need your moral judgment.
You don't get it.
I'm carrying this whole thing on my back, alright?
We all don't get to coast through life
because Daddy handed us a business.
Hey, wait a second.
I don't know what your problem is.
I am here to help you out.
Then stop getting in my way.
Oh, well, you know what?
That's the first thing you've pitched that I can do.
Oh, great.
That's just great.
I mean, am I crazy?!
You're always crazy, but this is loco grande.
No, you don't understand.
Something's gonna break,
and it's either gonna be me or this business.
No, I understand.
I mean, of everyone in the family, you're my role model
for what you can accomplish
with the dignity of a hard day's work.
Well, thank you. Alright, now...
get on the counter and dance.
Where the hell are you going?
Oh!
So what'd you guys think of the house?
Can I call the moving company?
Well, it's beautiful.
They kept the original Victorian feel inside the house, too,
and Blansky offered Darlene the place
for $500 a month, no money down.
But...
"But"? I'm not hearing the "but."
It's too sad.
That's a house with decades
of grief and sorrow baked into it.
Honey, people have died and people have mourned
in any house you're gonna buy.
You throw a coat of paint on it, put your stuff in there,
I'm sure it'll feel completely different.
Alright, I didn't really want to do this,
but I found a couple places out in Rockford.
They seem nice, and they're in my price range.
Rockford? That's over an hour away.
We're never gonna see you guys.
Yeah, I don't want to live all the way out there.
You know, for a barnacle, you have a lot of demands.
Dad, an hour is not that far away.
Chicago is only an hour away.
When you lived there,
I missed five years of my grandkids' lives.
Don't make me feel guilty about moving.
I worked really hard to get myself
to a place where I can buy a house.
I need to do this now.
Your life. Your decision.
Mm. Mommy,
Louise read me the rest of "Charlotte's Web"
while you were gone.
Oh.
I'm sorry, honey.
I know it's sad that she died.
She died?
Not in the version that I read her.
I-In our version, she goes on the road with her rock band.
Oh, right!
She dyed her hair purple,
because when you're in a band, you have to have weird hair.
Okay.
I love this age!
Yeah, but they're not stupid forever.
**
[ Chuckles ]
St. Patrick's Day was a week ago.
Why are you still dressed like that?
Oh, that pub a couple blocks away
is selling green hot dogs for a dollar.
Alright, you ready to attack those weenies,
you big LepreConner?
Jackie. Ben.
We need to talk.
Boy, do I know that tone.
Robin, it's time for you to fight the Joker alone.
So, Ben, I'm really sorry.
I shouldn't have said that about your dad.
That was way over the line, 'cause I know how hard you work.
Thank you, Jackie. Apology accepted.
[ Chuckles ] What's going on with you?
Oh, just, here's the deal.
I never wanted anything so bad as having The Lunch Box,
but first I was doing it with Roseanne and then Becky,
and now I'm doing it all alone, and it's 85 hours a week,
and even when I'm not there,
I'm just always stressed about it.
Last week, in the middle of me and Neville making love...
Mm. ...I shouted, "Oh, God! My lemon meringue is expired!"
I just want to raise the profits
so I can sell the place and have my life back.
Well, hey, when I first got the hardware store,
I was tearing my hair out.
I hated it.
So how did you cope with it?
Well, I found shortcuts.
Do you have payroll software?
Do you have an inventory tracking program
on your computer?
I don't think so. Yeah.
I guess I would know if I did, right? Yeah.
I learned everything from Roseanne,
so I've got a big stack of napkins
with all my financial stuff scribbled on it.
What I'm hearing is,
you want me to update that system.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're working way harder than you have to,
and I can help you set all that stuff up.
I might even be able to get you down
to a relaxing 60 hours a week.
Oh, my God!
That would be fantastic. Yeah.
'Cause I love The Lunch Box.
I got so many memories there.
You know, that's the family business,
and where would I get money, anyway,
if I wanted to start a new business?
My mom's getting old,
and I'm running out of time
to swindle her again. Ha ha.
Mm. Any time you feel like it's all too much,
you just give me a call, day or night.
Really? Day or night?
Mm...
Let's say day or...
later in the day.
**
Sorry we're late. Traffic was a nightmare.
So are you girls moving to Rockford?
Maybe.
The house was built in the '70s,
so it's got that cottage cheese ceiling,
but that goes perfectly with the gigantic vanity mirror bulbs
in the bathroom, which, by the way,
really light up that avocado-colored toilet.
But it's cheap, so I love it.
You know, I've been thinking.
There might be another way to tackle this.
You're not gonna get another opportunity
like that funeral home.
The only thing you don't like about that house
is the house.
Right.
Well, when you're buying a house,
the house is the important part of the house.
What if you guys tore down the death palace
and then your father built you a new place
on the same property?
Who? What?
You know, Darlene was gonna get a loan to buy a house,
but now with Blansky's offer,
you could spend that money on construction materials
that you could use to build a new house.
I'm sorry, you said "you."
Were you talking to a much younger man behind me?
Are you too feeble to build a house anymore, old man?
Oh, you are a dangerous rapscallion.
Of course I can build a house.
Can you really?
'Cause if you die in a room while you're building it,
we're back to square one.
I can build it.
Oh, my God. I'm getting a brand-new house!
Thank you!
-Oh, this is amazing! -Oh.
And thank you!
I know how much you want our dad all to yourself,
and after you get that, please remember you asked for it.
Let's go call Blansky
before he breaks out the gasoline and oily rags.
Oh, you're awful good to me. Oh.
Someday you're gonna have to tell me
what you're getting out of it.
Mm.
Well, when I figure it out, I'll let you know.
And don't worry.
I'll -- I'll help you out with the house.
Oh, it'll be so nice. I can see it now.
You up on a ladder with your cutoff shorts and tool belt.
Me looking lovingly up at you,
trapped under a piece of drywall,
clutching my chest from a massive heart attack.
It'll be great.
**
She's gonna blow!
It's Mount Ve-stew-vius.
Everybody grab a spoon and a bowl
and dig into a hearty meal at a great price!
**
Wait.
**
Or nowadays, you can just come on down to The Lunch Box,
where happy hour stew deals are erupting
between 5:00 and 7:00 every day!
**