1
00:00:03,571 --> 00:00:05,073
Dan: Ask around,
look on the Internet.

2
00:00:05,106 --> 00:00:08,209
I'm telling you, they've
already got punctureless tires,

3
00:00:08,242 --> 00:00:10,578
and they've been hiding it
from us since the 1920s.

4
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,680
Did you ever see one
of those Keystone Kops movies

5
00:00:12,713 --> 00:00:14,082
where they're chasing
bootleggers?

6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:17,851
40 cops hanging off of
one truck, never a blowout.

7
00:00:17,885 --> 00:00:19,553
Never.

8
00:00:19,587 --> 00:00:22,356
Okay, who gave the Michelin Man
an energy drink

9
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:24,192
first thing
in the morning?

10
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,228
That drink was in the fridge,
and it had my name on it, Dan.

11
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:30,098
Community property, baby.
I left half in there for you.

12
00:00:30,131 --> 00:00:32,400
Actually, I drank
the other half.

13
00:00:32,433 --> 00:00:34,468
It's cute
you think there's rules.

14
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:36,704
Hey, everyone.

15
00:00:36,737 --> 00:00:38,005
Yes, yes, it is me.

16
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,108
The guy from
the Olinsky Hardware commercial

17
00:00:40,141 --> 00:00:41,409
you all know and love,

18
00:00:41,442 --> 00:00:45,179
playing on the pumps
at the Stop 'N Gas!

19
00:00:45,213 --> 00:00:47,615
Oh, my God.
It's really you?

20
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:50,584
Here, just make it out
to Darlene...
Ah.

21
00:00:50,618 --> 00:00:52,353
...the woman
who is so sad

22
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:54,688
that you're so excited
about this.
Mm.

23
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,624
For your information,
the gas pump ads

24
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:58,126
have been a great promotion
for us.

25
00:00:58,159 --> 00:01:01,061
We've increased our sales
by 25%.

26
00:01:01,095 --> 00:01:03,964
Oh, man. I could use that
at The Lunch Box.

27
00:01:03,997 --> 00:01:07,135
Now that football season's over
and basketball season's going,

28
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,370
everybody's hanging out
at The Drink and Dribble.

29
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,140
Oh, yeah. That's where
The Squat and Gobble used to be.

30
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:14,108
I miss
the old Squat and Gobble.

31
00:01:14,142 --> 00:01:15,476
That place
would still be going

32
00:01:15,509 --> 00:01:17,077
if they'd have had chairs
in the joint.

33
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:20,148
Hey, Jackie, I can make you
a gas pump commercial

34
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:21,382
like mine, no problem.

35
00:01:21,415 --> 00:01:22,650
We can shoot the whole thing
on my phone.

36
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:24,452
Really? Could I come up
with the concept?

37
00:01:24,485 --> 00:01:25,553
Sure, yeah.

38
00:01:25,586 --> 00:01:27,255
It just has to be
under 15 seconds

39
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:30,057
or you get cut off by the
Sasquatch eating a Slim Jim.

40
00:01:30,090 --> 00:01:32,226
Excuse me.

41
00:01:32,260 --> 00:01:34,628
I was just upstairs grabbing
more stuff to take to Aldo's,

42
00:01:34,662 --> 00:01:37,165
and why is there a dining room
set on my side of the bedroom?

43
00:01:37,198 --> 00:01:38,966
Oh, I'm sorry, honey.

44
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:41,735
Now that Darlene and Becky
are moving out,

45
00:01:41,769 --> 00:01:44,104
I-I thought I'd bring
some more of my stuff over

46
00:01:44,138 --> 00:01:46,006
and downgrade
to a smaller storage unit.

47
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:50,478
Interesting how Louise
is slowly taking over the house.

48
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:52,146
She's my wife.

49
00:01:52,180 --> 00:01:55,015
What exactly
are you doing over here?

50
00:01:55,048 --> 00:01:58,986
I'm the wise elder
everybody comes to for answers.

51
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:04,525
Look, Louise is too nice
to say this, but I'm not.

52
00:02:04,558 --> 00:02:06,160
She's not trying
to take over anything.

53
00:02:06,194 --> 00:02:07,961
She's just trying
to carve out some space

54
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:11,865
in a house overrun with
40-year-old step-grown-ups.

55
00:02:11,899 --> 00:02:13,767
She just wants some privacy
with her husband.

56
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,669
Well, we're all
on the same page.

57
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:17,371
None of us want
to accidentally see

58
00:02:17,405 --> 00:02:19,407
what you two
need privacy for.

59
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:22,710
But I-I can't find
a decent house in this city

60
00:02:22,743 --> 00:02:24,011
that I can afford.

61
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:25,546
Wait, you're a Conner.

62
00:02:25,579 --> 00:02:27,881
You're supposed to buy
something you can't afford

63
00:02:27,915 --> 00:02:30,518
and then wake up every night
for the next 30 years

64
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,719
with your heart racing.

65
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:34,955
Huh. It ain't my heart.
That's GERD.

66
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:37,191
I'm just gonna have
to start looking further out.

67
00:02:37,225 --> 00:02:38,992
Maybe it's time to let go
of that dream

68
00:02:39,026 --> 00:02:42,029
of a place overlooking
the Lanford salvage yard.

69
00:02:42,062 --> 00:02:44,232
Hey,
I'm a part of this, too.

70
00:02:44,265 --> 00:02:46,066
I know
house prices are lower

71
00:02:46,099 --> 00:02:48,202
the farther away you get
from Chicago,

72
00:02:48,236 --> 00:02:49,970
but how far can you go?

73
00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:52,206
Eventually, it's just, like,
Missouri, right?

74
00:02:52,240 --> 00:02:55,876
Whoa. I can't have
Becky moving any further out.

75
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,845
She's already late
three times a week

76
00:02:57,878 --> 00:02:59,847
and she only lives
a few blocks away.

77
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:01,915
That reminds me.
I'm gonna be late today.

78
00:03:01,949 --> 00:03:04,318
See? This is
what I'm talking about.

79
00:03:04,352 --> 00:03:05,419
I just --

80
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:07,388
I feel overwhelmed
over there.

81
00:03:07,421 --> 00:03:11,091
It's like I'm trying to brush
the ocean back with a broom.

82
00:03:11,124 --> 00:03:12,926
Yeah,
you're the wise elder.

83
00:03:12,960 --> 00:03:14,428
I'm sure
you'll figure it out.

84
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:19,166
-- Captions by VITAC --

85
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:27,174
**

86
00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:34,882
**

87
00:03:34,915 --> 00:03:42,623
**

88
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:50,364
**

89
00:03:54,535 --> 00:03:55,269
[ Knock on door ]

90
00:03:55,303 --> 00:03:57,204
[ Groans ]
That's not good.

91
00:03:57,237 --> 00:03:58,939
Nobody knocks on our door
in the afternoon

92
00:03:58,972 --> 00:04:01,709
unless they expect
to find us home.

93
00:04:01,742 --> 00:04:03,277
It's Blansky,

94
00:04:03,311 --> 00:04:04,945
the cemetery guy.

95
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,447
He must smell death around us.

96
00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:08,982
Does anybody have a cough
they haven't been able to shake?

97
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,386
Hey, Don!
How's it going?

98
00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:13,621
I'm okay.

99
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,956
Hey, how come I never see you
around these days?

100
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:18,091
You're at the cemetery.

101
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:18,959
That's what I mean.

102
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:20,428
Stop eating so healthy.

103
00:04:22,630 --> 00:04:26,166
Uh...I haven't had
the pleasure.

104
00:04:26,199 --> 00:04:29,169
Hi, Don.
I'm Louise, Dan's wife.

105
00:04:29,202 --> 00:04:32,406
And he doesn't die
till I'm done with him.

106
00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:34,675
Oh, well, hello.

107
00:04:34,708 --> 00:04:36,577
Somebody made a deal
with the devil.

108
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,647
Uh, but I'm actually here
for another reason.

109
00:04:39,680 --> 00:04:41,949
I heard through my realtor
that Darlene

110
00:04:41,982 --> 00:04:43,351
was looking for a house?

111
00:04:43,384 --> 00:04:44,785
Yeah, stop right there,
Don.

112
00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:45,953
Don't try to convince me

113
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,355
that a crypt is a tiny house.

114
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:49,256
Ah, I've got
something better.

115
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,659
You know my funeral home
down on Pulaski?

116
00:04:51,692 --> 00:04:53,494
Well, business is so good,

117
00:04:53,527 --> 00:04:55,028
I'm moving into
a bigger space.

118
00:04:55,062 --> 00:04:57,030
Mm, well,
don't expand too fast.

119
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,432
Who knows? People around here

120
00:04:58,466 --> 00:05:01,168
could start wearing masks
and eating right.

121
00:05:01,201 --> 00:05:03,704
Anyway,
it's a small Victorian,

122
00:05:03,737 --> 00:05:05,105
and it only became
a funeral home

123
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,608
when my grandfather opened
the cemetery in the 1920s.

124
00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,142
I've been in that place.

125
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:11,812
Did some drywall work for
your dad. It's beautiful.

126
00:05:11,845 --> 00:05:13,981
Look, we really
appreciate you stopping by

127
00:05:14,014 --> 00:05:16,550
and making our day weird,
Don.
Mm-hmm.

128
00:05:16,584 --> 00:05:18,118
But Darlene and I

129
00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,987
really aren't in the market
for a funeral home,

130
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:22,055
but if you hear
of a converted slaughterhouse,

131
00:05:22,089 --> 00:05:23,857
give us a ring.
Bye-bye.

132
00:05:23,891 --> 00:05:25,693
Don't rule it out.

133
00:05:25,726 --> 00:05:26,727
It's like me.

134
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,129
It's adorable, well-maintained,

135
00:05:29,162 --> 00:05:32,032
and won't be on the market
for long.

136
00:05:35,002 --> 00:05:37,871
Take care of yourself, guy.
But not too good!

137
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,341
Listen, he wouldn't be
sniffing around here

138
00:05:41,375 --> 00:05:42,810
if he had a ton of buyers.

139
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,745
You may be able to get
this place for a song.

140
00:05:44,778 --> 00:05:47,147
Yeah, because
it's full of ghosts!

141
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:49,383
I'm not raising my kid
in a funeral home.

142
00:05:49,417 --> 00:05:52,386
Look, it's not my dream house
either, but Dad's right.

143
00:05:52,420 --> 00:05:54,388
It's close by,
and I-I don't believe

144
00:05:54,422 --> 00:05:55,923
in spirits lingering
in a house.

145
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,326
Do you believe in adult children
lingering in a house?

146
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:01,061
'Cause that's what I'm trying
to fix.

147
00:06:01,094 --> 00:06:02,095
Go look at the place.

148
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:04,698
**

149
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:07,334
Okay, so all I did was stand
behind the counter at my store

150
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:10,771
and say, "Hi, I'm Ben Olinsky
from Olinsky's Hardware.

151
00:06:10,804 --> 00:06:12,773
Come on down for everything
you might need

152
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,442
for your home, car,
or RV.

153
00:06:14,475 --> 00:06:17,044
And I don't know
why we call it 'hardware,'

154
00:06:17,077 --> 00:06:20,013
because when you come in,
I make it easy."

155
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,182
Huh?
Just do something like that.

156
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:25,118
It's just simple
with a touch of genius.

157
00:06:25,152 --> 00:06:27,955
Okay, here's something
that won't put you to sleep

158
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,089
with the pump
in your hand.

159
00:06:29,122 --> 00:06:33,927
Alright. We're gonna start
on a regular metal lunch box,

160
00:06:33,961 --> 00:06:36,063
and a hand comes in,
opens it up,

161
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:39,132
and the entire Lunch Box
restaurant is inside

162
00:06:39,166 --> 00:06:40,734
with all the customers
and everything.

163
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:44,304
And then the camera
swoops over to a bowl of stew,

164
00:06:44,337 --> 00:06:46,106
and I'm in the stew

165
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:49,209
and I'm swimming across it
like Esther Williams.

166
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,746
And then a big spoon comes in
and scoops me up,

167
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:55,048
but before it throws me
into the giant mouth,

168
00:06:55,082 --> 00:06:58,486
I say, "Hey, hungry.
Don't bite my head off.

169
00:06:58,519 --> 00:07:00,287
Come on down
to The Lunch Box.

170
00:07:00,320 --> 00:07:02,990
We'll feed you happy!"

171
00:07:04,024 --> 00:07:06,159
[ Laughs ]

172
00:07:06,193 --> 00:07:07,294
I love it.

173
00:07:07,327 --> 00:07:09,329
I do, too. I love it.
I love it, too.

174
00:07:09,362 --> 00:07:11,164
I just have one question.
Yes?

175
00:07:11,198 --> 00:07:13,333
Do you have $2 million?

176
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,936
What? You told me you could do
the whole thing on your phone.

177
00:07:15,969 --> 00:07:17,237
No, look.
Come on.

178
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:20,273
This is what I can shoot,
okay?

179
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,575
Uh...

180
00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,977
"Hi, I'm Jackie Harris
from The Lunch Box.

181
00:07:24,011 --> 00:07:26,614
Come on down
for some heartwarming stew.

182
00:07:26,647 --> 00:07:28,682
I don't know why we call it
'The Lunch Box.'

183
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:30,183
We should call it
'The Hunch Box,'

184
00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:33,020
'cause I've got a hunch
you'll love it."

185
00:07:33,053 --> 00:07:34,488
See, and I'm not even
gonna charge you anything

186
00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:36,924
for the writing.

187
00:07:36,957 --> 00:07:39,493
I should charge you
for having to listen to that.

188
00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,629
Hey, come on.
This started as a favor.

189
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:43,096
I know,
but you're at an advantage.

190
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:45,432
People need hardware.
They don't need stew.

191
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,167
I've got to move people
into the place

192
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,702
and I've got to do it now!

193
00:07:48,736 --> 00:07:50,504
Alright.
Alright, alright.

194
00:07:50,538 --> 00:07:52,439
I'm -- I'm --
I'm about ready to --
Listen...

195
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:55,509
Okay, just...

196
00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:58,946
Do you have anything
that's just a little less grand?

197
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:00,180
Yes, of course.

198
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:04,885
Okay, now,
it's Mount Ve-stew-vius,

199
00:08:04,918 --> 00:08:07,988
and instead of lava
coming down, it's stew,

200
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:12,125
and people are running towards
it with bowls and spoons.

201
00:08:12,159 --> 00:08:16,329
So, what do you think?

202
00:08:16,363 --> 00:08:18,365
Huh.
[ Laughs ]

203
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:21,869
I think I can't see
what you're seeing

204
00:08:21,902 --> 00:08:25,338
until I take
whatever you're taking.

205
00:08:25,372 --> 00:08:28,175
**

206
00:08:28,208 --> 00:08:31,078
Look at all the character
in this place.

207
00:08:31,111 --> 00:08:32,713
Stained glass windows.

208
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,014
Pressed tin.

209
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:37,484
This is
the original oak floor.

210
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:40,721
This place
is actually really nice.
Mm-hmm.

211
00:08:40,754 --> 00:08:43,523
It's a shame that the dead
people never get to see this.

212
00:08:43,557 --> 00:08:44,925
Well, feel free
to look around.

213
00:08:44,958 --> 00:08:47,561
We still have some stuff
to box up.

214
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:48,596
[ Cellphone rings ]
Oh.

215
00:08:48,629 --> 00:08:50,831
Probably another offer.

216
00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:51,865
W--

217
00:08:51,899 --> 00:08:54,067
Mom,
I'm working right now.

218
00:08:54,101 --> 00:08:55,703
Well, if you want me
to come over,

219
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,705
then make
the fish sticks.

220
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:03,543
Wow, this place is way better
than anything I've seen.

221
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,882
Holy cow.
This place has an elevator!

222
00:09:15,823 --> 00:09:18,191
What's he still
doing here?

223
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:20,928
Is this what happens
when the check bounces?

224
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:23,163
Oh, no!
The door's closing by itself!

225
00:09:24,097 --> 00:09:25,999
That's what elevators do.

226
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,037
So, what do you think
so far?

227
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:33,473
I...probably would want to make
some small changes,

228
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:35,442
starting with the body
in the elevator.

229
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:37,945
Okay, there's no body
in there, okay?

230
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:40,280
That's where I'm storing
my jazz albums.

231
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:42,049
Listen, let me save everyone
some time, okay?

232
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,084
No one's interested,

233
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,986
and I'm in over my head
at the other place,

234
00:09:46,019 --> 00:09:47,120
so here's the deal.

235
00:09:47,154 --> 00:09:48,388
No money down.

236
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,057
You take over the mortgage.

237
00:09:50,090 --> 00:09:51,959
$500 a month,
and it's yours.

238
00:09:51,992 --> 00:09:54,594
500 bucks?!

239
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,229
That is so cheap!

240
00:09:56,263 --> 00:09:58,498
I wouldn't even have
to pay rent, right?

241
00:09:58,531 --> 00:10:00,133
Sure, but then you get
the basement

242
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:01,902
with the rest
of the stiffs.

243
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,003
Make up your mind.

244
00:10:03,036 --> 00:10:05,773
The offer's only good
until the fire next Tuesday.

245
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:08,008
I -- Oh, I got
to pick up hamburgers.

246
00:10:08,041 --> 00:10:09,442
My mom
burned the fish sticks.

247
00:10:09,476 --> 00:10:11,111
Would you lock up
when you finish?

248
00:10:11,144 --> 00:10:12,846
Thank you.

249
00:10:12,880 --> 00:10:14,147
Oh, you put them
in the oven.

250
00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:15,949
You turn the oven on high.
How hard is that?

251
00:10:15,983 --> 00:10:17,785
I do it all day long.

252
00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:19,219
[ Door closes ]

253
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,623
Oh, this is
a great idea.

254
00:10:23,657 --> 00:10:25,092
This is where they let
the kids play

255
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,960
so they don't have to deal
with the funeral.

256
00:10:26,994 --> 00:10:28,628
Oh, wow.

257
00:10:28,662 --> 00:10:30,463
You had one of these.

258
00:10:30,497 --> 00:10:33,100
Hey, look. I fit.

259
00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:34,802
And my feet
touch the floor.

260
00:10:37,070 --> 00:10:38,538
Oh.

261
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:41,174
I don't think
this is a playroom.

262
00:10:41,208 --> 00:10:42,509
Then what is it?

263
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:45,012
"Look for Mommy
in the Clouds."

264
00:10:45,045 --> 00:10:46,313
"Daddy Will See You Later."

265
00:10:46,346 --> 00:10:49,482
"We're Gone, But We Haven't
Stopped Loving You."

266
00:10:49,516 --> 00:10:51,451
Oh, man.

267
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:54,054
This is the room where
they try to console kids

268
00:10:54,087 --> 00:10:55,989
who are overwhelmed
by grief.

269
00:10:56,023 --> 00:10:59,359
We've been so creeped out
by all the body stuff

270
00:10:59,392 --> 00:11:02,162
that we forgot about
all the grief and suffering

271
00:11:02,195 --> 00:11:04,231
that families have felt
in this house.

272
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,501
What's "Charlotte's Web"
doing here?

273
00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:10,670
Charlotte dies.

274
00:11:10,704 --> 00:11:13,073
Charlotte dies?

275
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:16,243
Finish a book, Becky.

276
00:11:16,276 --> 00:11:19,379
This is the book
I'm reading to Beverly Rose.

277
00:11:19,412 --> 00:11:20,647
We have the drive home

278
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,750
to come up with a new ending
to the story.

279
00:11:22,783 --> 00:11:26,153
How about, "Charlotte is priced
out of the real estate market,

280
00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,021
and she has to go live
in her dad's web,

281
00:11:28,055 --> 00:11:29,990
like the 8-legged loser
that she is."

282
00:11:36,063 --> 00:11:37,898
That's great stew.
You bet it is.

283
00:11:37,931 --> 00:11:39,199
Why don't you come down
and see for yourself?

284
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,101
We'll be here.
At The Lunch Box.

285
00:11:41,134 --> 00:11:42,102
Cut.
No.

286
00:11:42,135 --> 00:11:43,003
What?
That was perfect.

287
00:11:43,036 --> 00:11:44,504
No, I don't know.
I-I don't know.

288
00:11:44,537 --> 00:11:47,340
I don't know. I-I feel
a little stiff or something.

289
00:11:47,374 --> 00:11:50,177
Oh.
I want to come across
as warm and inviting.

290
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,945
Okay. Alright.
No problem.

291
00:11:51,979 --> 00:11:54,014
Let's try again.

292
00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:55,916
Okay.
Ready?

293
00:11:55,949 --> 00:11:59,019
Uh...yeah.

294
00:11:59,052 --> 00:12:00,087
Action.

295
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,025
Mmm!

296
00:12:05,058 --> 00:12:06,894
[ Southern accent ] I say,
how's that stew treating you,

297
00:12:06,927 --> 00:12:08,595
Sugar Lump?

298
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:11,464
[ Southern accent ]
I do declare,

299
00:12:11,498 --> 00:12:12,800
there's a hair
in this here stew.

300
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,067
[ Normal voice ] Okay.
Alright, cut.

301
00:12:14,101 --> 00:12:15,869
Guys, come on.
What are we doing?
Oh.

302
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:19,406
Uh, we're looking for
a little thing called "tone."

303
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:21,608
What you had was good.

304
00:12:21,641 --> 00:12:23,576
I am telling you,
simple sells at the pump.

305
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:25,879
Yeah.
But it's not good enough.

306
00:12:25,913 --> 00:12:28,548
I mean, I'm killing myself
trying to increase sales,

307
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,884
and if we only have 15 seconds
to grab an audience,

308
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:32,920
then it has to be perfect,
right?

309
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:34,121
Yes, yes. Alright.

310
00:12:34,154 --> 00:12:36,323
My God!

311
00:12:36,356 --> 00:12:39,626
I want you to be happy with it,
so here we go.

312
00:12:39,659 --> 00:12:40,427
Ready?

313
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,997
Um...yeah.

314
00:12:44,031 --> 00:12:45,198
Action.

315
00:12:49,536 --> 00:12:51,638
That's great stew.
You bet your ass it is,

316
00:12:51,671 --> 00:12:52,906
and if you're
the hundredth person

317
00:12:52,940 --> 00:12:55,075
that comes through that door
and says, "I want stew,"

318
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,477
you're getting a date
with this feisty young thing.

319
00:12:57,510 --> 00:12:59,279
You're pimping me
for stew?

320
00:12:59,312 --> 00:13:03,083
It's advertising 101.
Bait and switch. Right?

321
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,918
Come in for the hot girl,
you get the hot stew.

322
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:06,053
What the...

323
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:08,956
Alright, look.

324
00:13:08,989 --> 00:13:10,423
It's your decision,

325
00:13:10,457 --> 00:13:13,193
but it is kind of feeling
like you've blurred the line

326
00:13:13,226 --> 00:13:16,496
between diner food
and human trafficking.

327
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:17,931
Okay.

328
00:13:17,965 --> 00:13:19,466
I don't need
your moral judgment.

329
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:20,868
You don't get it.

330
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:23,837
I'm carrying this whole thing
on my back, alright?

331
00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:25,805
We all don't get
to coast through life

332
00:13:25,839 --> 00:13:27,640
because Daddy handed us
a business.

333
00:13:27,674 --> 00:13:28,641
Hey, wait a second.

334
00:13:28,675 --> 00:13:30,177
I don't know
what your problem is.

335
00:13:30,210 --> 00:13:31,344
I am here
to help you out.

336
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:33,046
Then stop getting
in my way.

337
00:13:33,080 --> 00:13:34,647
Oh, well,
you know what?

338
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:36,283
That's the first thing
you've pitched that I can do.

339
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:37,985
Oh, great.

340
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:41,721
That's just great.

341
00:13:41,754 --> 00:13:44,524
I mean, am I crazy?!

342
00:13:44,557 --> 00:13:47,027
You're always crazy,
but this is loco grande.

343
00:13:47,060 --> 00:13:48,795
No,
you don't understand.

344
00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,063
Something's gonna break,

345
00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,032
and it's either gonna be me
or this business.

346
00:13:52,065 --> 00:13:53,333
No, I understand.

347
00:13:53,366 --> 00:13:55,235
I mean, of everyone in the
family, you're my role model

348
00:13:55,268 --> 00:13:56,303
for what you can accomplish

349
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,737
with the dignity
of a hard day's work.

350
00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,707
Well, thank you.
Alright, now...

351
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:04,011
get on the counter
and dance.

352
00:14:04,044 --> 00:14:05,845
Where the hell
are you going?

353
00:14:05,879 --> 00:14:07,247
Oh!

354
00:14:09,616 --> 00:14:10,984
So what'd you guys
think of the house?

355
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:12,719
Can I call
the moving company?

356
00:14:12,752 --> 00:14:16,189
Well, it's beautiful.

357
00:14:16,223 --> 00:14:20,327
They kept the original Victorian
feel inside the house, too,

358
00:14:20,360 --> 00:14:22,095
and Blansky offered Darlene
the place

359
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:26,266
for $500 a month,
no money down.

360
00:14:26,299 --> 00:14:28,101
But...

361
00:14:28,135 --> 00:14:31,104
"But"?
I'm not hearing the "but."

362
00:14:31,138 --> 00:14:32,539
It's too sad.

363
00:14:32,572 --> 00:14:34,207
That's a house
with decades

364
00:14:34,241 --> 00:14:36,009
of grief and sorrow
baked into it.

365
00:14:36,043 --> 00:14:37,945
Honey, people have died
and people have mourned

366
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:39,512
in any house
you're gonna buy.

367
00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:43,050
You throw a coat of paint
on it, put your stuff in there,

368
00:14:43,083 --> 00:14:45,418
I'm sure it'll feel
completely different.

369
00:14:45,452 --> 00:14:47,120
Alright, I didn't really want
to do this,

370
00:14:47,154 --> 00:14:49,556
but I found a couple places
out in Rockford.

371
00:14:49,589 --> 00:14:51,959
They seem nice, and they're
in my price range.

372
00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,860
Rockford?
That's over an hour away.

373
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:55,695
We're never gonna see
you guys.

374
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,098
Yeah, I don't want to live
all the way out there.

375
00:14:58,131 --> 00:15:01,134
You know, for a barnacle,
you have a lot of demands.

376
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,403
Dad, an hour
is not that far away.

377
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:06,806
Chicago is
only an hour away.

378
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,308
When you lived there,

379
00:15:08,341 --> 00:15:10,577
I missed five years
of my grandkids' lives.

380
00:15:10,610 --> 00:15:12,612
Don't make me feel guilty
about moving.

381
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,614
I worked really hard
to get myself

382
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:15,815
to a place
where I can buy a house.

383
00:15:15,848 --> 00:15:16,984
I need to do this now.

384
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,119
Your life.
Your decision.

385
00:15:20,487 --> 00:15:22,222
Mm.
Mommy,

386
00:15:22,255 --> 00:15:24,757
Louise read me the rest
of "Charlotte's Web"

387
00:15:24,791 --> 00:15:26,960
while you were gone.

388
00:15:26,994 --> 00:15:28,228
Oh.

389
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:31,064
I'm sorry, honey.

390
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:33,100
I know
it's sad that she died.

391
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,068
She died?

392
00:15:35,102 --> 00:15:38,105
Not in the version
that I read her.

393
00:15:38,138 --> 00:15:42,242
I-In our version, she goes
on the road with her rock band.

394
00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:44,444
Oh, right!

395
00:15:44,477 --> 00:15:48,982
She dyed her hair purple,

396
00:15:49,016 --> 00:15:52,019
because when you're in a band,
you have to have weird hair.

397
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,356
Okay.

398
00:15:59,626 --> 00:16:01,928
I love this age!

399
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:04,164
Yeah, but they're
not stupid forever.

400
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,532
**

401
00:16:09,002 --> 00:16:10,003
[ Chuckles ]

402
00:16:10,037 --> 00:16:11,371
St. Patrick's Day
was a week ago.

403
00:16:11,404 --> 00:16:12,872
Why are you still dressed
like that?

404
00:16:12,905 --> 00:16:14,674
Oh, that pub
a couple blocks away

405
00:16:14,707 --> 00:16:17,144
is selling green hot dogs
for a dollar.

406
00:16:17,177 --> 00:16:19,679
Alright, you ready to attack
those weenies,

407
00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:22,149
you big LepreConner?

408
00:16:22,182 --> 00:16:23,450
Jackie.
Ben.

409
00:16:23,483 --> 00:16:24,717
We need to talk.

410
00:16:24,751 --> 00:16:26,553
Boy,
do I know that tone.

411
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:29,489
Robin, it's time for you
to fight the Joker alone.

412
00:16:31,324 --> 00:16:32,692
So, Ben,
I'm really sorry.

413
00:16:32,725 --> 00:16:33,960
I shouldn't have said that
about your dad.

414
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:36,563
That was way over the line,
'cause I know how hard you work.

415
00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:38,831
Thank you, Jackie.
Apology accepted.

416
00:16:38,865 --> 00:16:40,633
[ Chuckles ]
What's going on with you?

417
00:16:40,667 --> 00:16:43,036
Oh, just,
here's the deal.

418
00:16:43,070 --> 00:16:47,006
I never wanted anything so bad
as having The Lunch Box,

419
00:16:47,040 --> 00:16:49,076
but first I was doing it
with Roseanne and then Becky,

420
00:16:49,109 --> 00:16:52,512
and now I'm doing it all alone,
and it's 85 hours a week,

421
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:53,680
and even
when I'm not there,

422
00:16:53,713 --> 00:16:55,982
I'm just always stressed
about it.

423
00:16:56,015 --> 00:16:59,018
Last week, in the middle
of me and Neville making love...

424
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:03,690
Mm.
...I shouted, "Oh, God!
My lemon meringue is expired!"

425
00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:07,026
I just want to raise
the profits

426
00:17:07,060 --> 00:17:09,729
so I can sell the place
and have my life back.

427
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:12,099
Well, hey, when I first got
the hardware store,

428
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:13,933
I was tearing my hair out.

429
00:17:13,966 --> 00:17:14,934
I hated it.

430
00:17:14,967 --> 00:17:16,169
So how did you cope
with it?

431
00:17:16,203 --> 00:17:18,705
Well, I found shortcuts.

432
00:17:18,738 --> 00:17:20,607
Do you have
payroll software?

433
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:22,775
Do you have
an inventory tracking program

434
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,078
on your computer?

435
00:17:25,112 --> 00:17:27,046
I don't think so.
Yeah.

436
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,949
I guess I would know
if I did, right? Yeah.

437
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,051
I learned everything
from Roseanne,

438
00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:33,553
so I've got
a big stack of napkins

439
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,722
with all my financial stuff
scribbled on it.

440
00:17:35,755 --> 00:17:37,023
What I'm hearing is,

441
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,092
you want me to update
that system.

442
00:17:39,126 --> 00:17:40,227
Yeah.

443
00:17:40,260 --> 00:17:42,695
Yeah, you're working
way harder than you have to,

444
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,531
and I can help you set
all that stuff up.

445
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:45,932
I might even be able
to get you down

446
00:17:45,965 --> 00:17:48,601
to a relaxing
60 hours a week.

447
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,403
Oh, my God!

448
00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:52,605
That would be fantastic.
Yeah.

449
00:17:52,639 --> 00:17:55,542
'Cause I love
The Lunch Box.

450
00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,944
I got
so many memories there.

451
00:17:57,977 --> 00:18:00,046
You know, that's
the family business,

452
00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:02,081
and where would
I get money, anyway,

453
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,750
if I wanted to start
a new business?

454
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:05,118
My mom's getting old,

455
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:06,586
and I'm running
out of time

456
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,921
to swindle her again.
Ha ha.

457
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:13,126
Mm. Any time you feel like
it's all too much,

458
00:18:13,160 --> 00:18:15,128
you just give me a call,
day or night.

459
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:17,497
Really? Day or night?

460
00:18:17,530 --> 00:18:19,098
Mm...

461
00:18:19,132 --> 00:18:23,102
Let's say day or...

462
00:18:23,136 --> 00:18:25,538
later in the day.

463
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:31,644
**

464
00:18:31,678 --> 00:18:34,514
Sorry we're late.
Traffic was a nightmare.

465
00:18:34,547 --> 00:18:37,684
So are you girls
moving to Rockford?

466
00:18:37,717 --> 00:18:39,152
Maybe.

467
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:40,853
The house
was built in the '70s,

468
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:42,855
so it's got
that cottage cheese ceiling,

469
00:18:42,889 --> 00:18:46,693
but that goes perfectly with
the gigantic vanity mirror bulbs

470
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,361
in the bathroom,
which, by the way,

471
00:18:48,395 --> 00:18:52,332
really light up that
avocado-colored toilet.

472
00:18:52,365 --> 00:18:54,667
But it's cheap,
so I love it.

473
00:18:56,736 --> 00:18:59,439
You know,
I've been thinking.

474
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:02,442
There might be another way
to tackle this.

475
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:04,043
You're not gonna get
another opportunity

476
00:19:04,076 --> 00:19:05,612
like that funeral home.

477
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:07,347
The only thing you don't like
about that house

478
00:19:07,380 --> 00:19:08,548
is the house.

479
00:19:08,581 --> 00:19:10,016
Right.

480
00:19:10,049 --> 00:19:12,151
Well, when you're buying
a house,

481
00:19:12,185 --> 00:19:16,155
the house is
the important part of the house.

482
00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:19,058
What if you guys tore down
the death palace

483
00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:21,961
and then your father
built you a new place

484
00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:23,630
on the same property?

485
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,165
Who? What?

486
00:19:26,199 --> 00:19:28,968
You know, Darlene was gonna get
a loan to buy a house,

487
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,870
but now
with Blansky's offer,

488
00:19:30,903 --> 00:19:34,006
you could spend that money
on construction materials

489
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,144
that you could use to build
a new house.

490
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:40,513
I'm sorry,
you said "you."

491
00:19:40,547 --> 00:19:44,050
Were you talking to
a much younger man behind me?

492
00:19:44,083 --> 00:19:47,920
Are you too feeble to build
a house anymore, old man?

493
00:19:47,954 --> 00:19:51,057
Oh, you are
a dangerous rapscallion.

494
00:19:51,090 --> 00:19:54,327
Of course
I can build a house.

495
00:19:54,361 --> 00:19:55,762
Can you really?

496
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,597
'Cause if you die in a room
while you're building it,

497
00:19:57,630 --> 00:20:00,099
we're back to square one.

498
00:20:00,132 --> 00:20:02,168
I can build it.

499
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:05,438
Oh, my God.
I'm getting a brand-new house!

500
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:06,373
Thank you!

501
00:20:06,406 --> 00:20:09,041
-Oh, this is amazing!
-Oh.

502
00:20:09,075 --> 00:20:10,610
And thank you!

503
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,746
I know how much you want
our dad all to yourself,

504
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:17,216
and after you get that, please
remember you asked for it.

505
00:20:17,250 --> 00:20:19,185
Let's go call Blansky

506
00:20:19,218 --> 00:20:21,888
before he breaks out
the gasoline and oily rags.

507
00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,257
Oh, you're awful good
to me.
Oh.

508
00:20:24,291 --> 00:20:25,958
Someday you're gonna have
to tell me

509
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:26,959
what you're getting out
of it.

510
00:20:26,993 --> 00:20:28,194
Mm.

511
00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:31,464
Well, when I figure it out,
I'll let you know.

512
00:20:31,498 --> 00:20:32,699
And don't worry.

513
00:20:32,732 --> 00:20:34,801
I'll -- I'll help you out
with the house.

514
00:20:34,834 --> 00:20:37,704
Oh, it'll be so nice.
I can see it now.

515
00:20:37,737 --> 00:20:41,207
You up on a ladder with your
cutoff shorts and tool belt.

516
00:20:41,240 --> 00:20:44,611
Me looking lovingly up
at you,

517
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:46,413
trapped under
a piece of drywall,

518
00:20:46,446 --> 00:20:49,749
clutching my chest
from a massive heart attack.

519
00:20:49,782 --> 00:20:51,250
It'll be great.

520
00:20:51,284 --> 00:20:52,952
**

521
00:20:56,289 --> 00:20:57,757
She's gonna blow!

522
00:20:57,790 --> 00:20:59,959
It's Mount Ve-stew-vius.

523
00:20:59,992 --> 00:21:02,161
Everybody grab a spoon
and a bowl

524
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:05,064
and dig into a hearty meal
at a great price!

525
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,967
**

526
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:09,569
Wait.

527
00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:13,606
**

528
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:16,309
Or nowadays, you can just come
on down to The Lunch Box,

529
00:21:16,343 --> 00:21:18,511
where happy hour stew deals
are erupting

530
00:21:18,545 --> 00:21:22,949
between 5:00 and 7:00 every day!

531
00:21:22,982 --> 00:21:23,049
**