**
Ugh.
Darlene: Oh, now look what you did.
You got vegetables on Dad's plate.
What's he gonna do with those?
Alright. Let's fix this elbow-bumping problem.
I need all the lefties to sit next to each other
on this side of the table, all righties on this side.
We need a righty to switch to a lefty.
Mary, start using your other hand.
Why me?
Because the rest of us are too old to change.
I'm not that young.
I bet none of you even know how old I am.
Sure we do, sweetie. You're 10.
No. 11.
9. 47.
You're all wrong. She's 12.
Anybody thinking what I'm thinking?
She should be working, right?
Well, give her a minute. She's a Conner.
She's not gonna get to retire,
so she should enjoy her golden years now.
Oh! This is ridiculous anyways.
Why are we all eating at the same time
like it's rush hour on a Japanese commuter train?
Because right now, a lot of us
are feeling like we need to be together more.
Well, I know Mary needed that, and thanks, everybody,
for helping her deal with everything
while I was out of town.
That's what family's for.
Hey, Dad, did Chuck ever get back to you
about his friend that was gonna put his house on the market?
I'm down to looking at converted garages,
and it's cool that one whole wall
is a window if you open it,
but in the winter, I'm gonna have to hire a kid
to shovel my living room.
It's weird. I've called Chuck a couple of times
over the last few weeks, but he hasn't called me back.
He and Anne-Marie are probably on their boat
heading down the Mississippi to party in N'orleans.
I'm gonna do that, too, when I retire.
Except there's no boat, no party, and I'll be dead.
Maybe we should go over there.
I don't want to go over there unannounced.
Unannounced?
"Ladies and gentlemen, may I present
the Earl and Duchess of Whitetrash."
[ Laughs ]
Fine. We'll just say we were in the neighborhood.
It won't be a lie.
I got four birthdays coming up at work
and I've been meaning to break into that Goodwill donation bin
next to the fancy dog hotel anyway.
Oh, uh, Beverly Rose needs some shoes.
Those are easy to fish out with a coat hanger,
but try to get two of the same size this time.
"The Earl and Duchess regret that they must take their leave
to attend the royal dumpster dive."
If you see a bra that's not too stretched out, grab it.
[ Knock on door ]
-Not it! -Not it!
Oh, damn!
I had a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
If you're looking for money,
we don't care about your band uniforms
and your chocolate bars suck!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
Great news. We don't have to worry about the school
finding out that we're dating anymore.
That is great.
Why not?
'Cause they found out.
What?
How? We were so careful.
Well, remember that text you sent me where you said,
"Every second I'm in your class, all I can think about
is watching you grade papers naked"?
Yeah. Why?
Well, you sent it to me and Wanda the TA.
No, I didn't. Yeah, you did.
You sent it to me and her on the thread
where we were talking about your overdue assignment,
which, ironically, was about self-sabotage.
Oh, my God. I feel terrible.
How do we fix this?
We can't.
See, Wanda already took it to the dean,
and everything's cool, though.
I told him it was all my fault,
and I handed in my resignation.
Oh, my God, Glen, I can't believe you did that.
Are you gonna be able to get another job?
No. That's the beauty of it.
This is my chance.
I can finally write my book,
and you and I don't have to hide our relationship anymore.
Oh, that is fantastic.
So you have some money saved up?
Oh, God, no.
I'm a community college teacher.
I made more money working at The Gap in high school.
I'm good for about three months.
Maybe four, if I eat once a day and live in a youth hostel.
We'll feed you at The Lunch Box.
Um, you must have a really good idea for the book.
Here's the best part.
I got nothing.
How is that the best part?
Then everything is a possibility.
Leap and the net will appear.
You know who says that?
Dead circus performers.
-- Captions by VITAC --
**
How did we get another sad,
middle-aged person in this house?
I thought we sprayed for that.
It's okay.
He's percolating ideas for his new book.
Tell him to go percolate in the kitchen.
He's cutting into my cartoon time with Beverly Rose.
Okay, honey,
it's time to brush your teeth
and get ready for preschool.
What's the point?
Where did you hear that?
Uncle Glen. He says it a lot.
So, it's been a couple days.
I don't want to interfere with your process,
but I'm excited to hear what you got.
I hit a wall.
Well, you can't hit a wall.
You're in a new phase.
You said you always wanted to write a book.
You must've had some ideas at some point.
I've never had any ideas.
I just read a book and thought, "I could do this."
Well, of course you can do this.
You have a brilliant mind.
You just need some motivation.
Okay. Tomorrow, I wanna see three ideas for your new book,
with a paragraph for each
indicating what some of the chapters might be.
You're right.
Thank you.
I needed a kick in the ass.
I'm gonna have one more bowl of cereal,
and then I'll write the entire book today.
You know, sometimes, people set too high of a goal
so they have an excuse for their failure.
I have a much better excuse for my failure.
Nope. I got nothing.
But I'm gonna come up with three great ideas for that, too.
I am on fire!
**
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Maybe he's got another friend he's doing fun stuff with.
What are you? 8?
[ Knock on door ]
Hey, Darlene. Dan.
Hey, hey. How's it going, stranger?
I've been trying to get ahold of you for the last few weeks.
Uh, I-I-I've just been busy. That's all.
Uh, you know, listen,
I'm kind of in the middle of something.
It'd be great if you could come back.
Uh, hey, uh,
do you mind if I come in and use your bathroom?
I-I'll be real quick.
Wow!
What hit this place?
Now that you're home all the time,
I guess Anne-Marie finally got wise
and realized she could do better than you and left you.
Oh, my God, I was just joking.
She didn't leave you, did she?
No.
No, um...
she's been in the hospital for a few weeks.
A few weeks?
What's going on?
She's, uh -- She's had a couple s-strokes.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
Why the hell didn't you call me?
Because you're not a doctor,
and you got problems of your own,
and, you know, I've been so busy going to see her,
I haven't had a chance to clean up around here.
I don't know what to say.
Anne-Marie's tough. I'm sure she's gonna be okay.
Yeah, and -- and while we're here,
at least let us help you.
We'll get rid of some of this trash.
Normally, I would throw away this coupon for carpet cleaning,
but I'm thinking we hang onto it.
There might be a carpet underneath all this.
Uh, you know what? Leave it.
I'll -- I'll -- I'll get it.
Oh, it's not problem.
J-Just stop!
Look...
thanks, but, um, I don't need any help.
My kid's coming over soon, and we got it covered.
You heard the man, Darlene.
He wants Chuck Jr. to help him.
You want to clean something, clean our house.
Alright, buddy, if you need anything,
you know how to get me.
We'll hold a good thought for Anne-Marie.
Okay, but I'm at least gonna throw out
this old donut box on our way out.
Huh. Looks like a donut,
but it's just a bunch of ants dancing in a circle.
Alright, it's time for another moment of "Stew, But True"!
According to Wikipedia, the Greek historian Her-- Herodotus
claimed that stew existed as early
as the fourth century B.C.,
when cooks would "put the flesh into the animal's paunch,
mix water with it, and boil it like that over a bone fire.
This way, an ox is ingeniously made to boil itself..."
Okay, that's horrifying.
I gotta read these first.
Hey, sweetie.
Hey. Hey, Glen.
Ben.
Ah, thanks so much for coming, Ben.
Well, I've helped launch a few writers in my time,
so I'm happy to do it.
Okay, hit us with your greatness.
I had a hard time organizing my thoughts,
so I tried stream of consciousness.
Hey, that can work.
You know, a lot of famous writers
use stream of consciousness.
Kerouac. Huh?
Hunter Thompson.
I mean, a lot of drugs floating down that stream,
but still, it's pretty good company.
Glen's just so modest.
Let me see it. Uh...
"I'm no good.
Who would want to read a book by me?
I'm sad I woke up today."
Well, there you go.
You got three great titles right there.
Okay, it doesn't have to be profound.
Just give me something.
I got nothing.
I looked inside me and there's just a gaping black hole.
Oh, come on.
Look, even black holes have something to offer.
You know, they swallow light, stars, solar systems.
What's inside your black hole, Glen?
Nothing.
Just a black hole.
But if there was something of you
at the bottom of your black hole,
what would it be?
Just me, falling in black forever.
Uh...I think somebody needs a little pick-me-up,
so before we 51-50 you,
let's throw a bowl of ice cream down that hole
and see if it helps.
So, what's the book about?
Nothing. He's broken. I broke him.
Well, you broke it, you buy it.
I just bumped into it and it fell off the shelf.
It was an accident.
Doesn't matter. It's all on camera.
You gotta make good, sister.
You know what's really upsetting?
This conversation is already better
than anything he came up with. Mm.
It's a good thing you love him.
Ehh...
There you go. There you go.
Am I in the right house?
Something smells good and Harris is cooking.
Aldo's kids love spaghetti.
So Grandpa's teaching me how to make baked spaghetti.
There's a secret to it.
First you take your spaghetti...
and then you bake it.
Next we're going to unravel the mystery
behind boiled potatoes.
So, Dad, that spaghetti
looks like something you could easily pack up
and bring over to your distressed friend's house.
We're not going to Chuck's.
His kid's gonna handle it.
Uh, no, he's not.
I just got off the phone with Chuck Jr.,
and he knows what's going on,
but he can't get away from work.
And did you know that Chuck Jr. lives in Nebraska now?
Damn it. No, I did not.
Well, I told Chuck to call me. There's a reason he didn't.
Yeah, because he's a stubborn old man like you are.
I don't get it. He's your best friend.
Don't you care what he's going through?
Of course I do.
Well?
He's a grown-ass man.
He can make his own decisions.
Your house is full of grown-ass people
and you're always up in our business.
So, what's really going on here?
I'm worried that Anne-Marie's gonna die
and Chuck's gonna be devastated.
I barely got through my own loss.
I don't think I have the strength
to go through all that again.
Yeah, but you found the strength when Mom died
because you had us there to help you get through it.
Chuck's got nobody. He needs you.
You're right. You're right.
I'll go.
Oh, it's gonna get ugly.
Chuck does not like help.
When I forced him to get a colonoscopy,
I told him they were just gonna X-ray him.
When he woke up, he was so pissed,
he snapped the antenna off my truck and almost gave me one.
Well, keep your back to the wall
and wear your overalls, but go do what's right.
**
Hey, Beck.
Wake up and go to bed.
Oh.
I fell asleep trying to come up with ideas for Glen's book.
Oh.
I think it's great that you're trying to elevate
the voice of a middle-aged white guy
with a Master's degree.
It's time their stories were told.
I'm just trying to help because he's so depressed.
Turns out Glen's just not good at handling adversity.
That is not a great sign for somebody dating a Conner.
I know.
And he's a smart, kind guy, but he's falling apart here.
If there's a crisis, I need a partner who's got my back.
And I know it makes me sound like a jerk,
but I'm seeing a side of him that I'm not crazy about.
Well, you guys haven't been together long.
If you're already seeing things that worry you,
jump out of the plane now while it's over water,
not later when it's over rocks and pointy things.
I don't think I can do this.
Well, make up your mind, 'cause his attitude
is starting to affect Beverly Rose.
We were on a walk yesterday,
and I said, "Hey, look at that pretty sunset,"
and she said, "Eh, they're all the same."
**
Whaddya say, whaddya know?
What is all that stuff?
Well, this would suggest I'm gonna throw something away,
while this would lead one to believe
that I'm gonna cook something for you.
Dan, I told you I was fine.
Chuck Jr.'s on his way over.
We both know that he's not.
Look, I don't need anybody checking up on me.
Hey, I'm not anybody.
I'm your best friend, and yes, you do.
Anne-Marie's my best friend.
Yeah, she is.
And she'd kick both our asses if she saw how you were living.
What's going on, Chuck?
How'd you let things get this bad?
You know how it is when you've been married a long time
and you split the responsibilities.
She cooked the meals, paid the bills,
and cleaned the house and raised our son,
and I changed the oil in the cars and went to work.
If I remember correctly,
she went to work, too.
It's amazing more women don't murder their husbands.
You know, in the beginning,
you pretend that you don't know how to cook
and clean stuff like that so you don't have to do it.
[ Chuckles ] Then after a while,
you -- you forget how to do it,
and then... God forbid you need to.
I hear you, brother.
I'm pretending all over again with the new wife,
but she doesn't just get impatient and give up on me.
She keeps teaching me and teaching me until I get it.
It's infuriating.
I'm telling you, I was trying to figure out
which button to push to wash my clothes yesterday.
That damn machine shrunk my underwear and played me a song.
[ Laughs ]
I'm scared, man.
I guess that's part of the reason
I haven't cleaned this place.
I spend all day thinking about, what...
what if I lose her?
Yeah, there's something about going to the kitchen
to tell her something funny that only she would laugh at
or something only the both of you would remember...
...she's not there.
Dan?
Yeah?
Shouldn't you be saying stuff like,
"She's gonna make it and it's gonna be okay"?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Didn't I say that?
I thought I said that. No, you didn't say it.
Well, I'm gonna say it now.
She's gonna be fine.
Of all of us, Anne-Marie knows
you can't possibly survive without her,
so she's gonna hang on and let you go first.
Well, I've drank enough beer and ate enough hot dogs.
I'm doing my part.
I got something here that might help you out.
Well, what is that?
Oh, it better not be a poem!
It's not.
It's a list Rose made for me
of how to do all the stuff in the house she did
so when she'd get mad and yell at me for not doing it,
I couldn't say I didn't know how.
It starts, "Dear useless man..."
I'll make you a copy. You got a printer?
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What?
Anne-Marie's the only one who knows how to use it.
[ Snorts ]
Here ya go.
Becky should be here any second.
Good. I need to talk to her.
Um, she said you're writing a book.
I wrote a novel once.
Really? Good for you.
I had all kinds of problems.
Yeah, that wasn't my experience.
As soon as I sat down to the laptop,
it was just pouring out of me.
I don't think I could have stopped it if I wanted to,
but I guess I was just some vessel
for something that the universe wanted out there.
Wow. That's every writer's dream.
Yeah. I bet your book was amazing.
Uh, nah, apparently, the universe
wanted 700 pages of incoherent crap,
but, again, I-I was just the vessel.
Hey. Hey.
I assume the college called and gave you your job back.
They did.
The dean said you felt guilty about letting me take the fall
and that there was no relationship,
and it was all your fantasy,
and that you texted about things that never actually happened.
Why'd you throw yourself under the bus?
To get you your job back.
And all they did was put me on probation.
You belong in the classroom.
You were like a fish out of water
and it was so hard watching you flop around
all over the place.
Thank you.
I was just starting to get traction on my book,
but this is good, too.
So, I guess we go back to dating on the down-low again, huh?
No, we can't.
We had a close call and we have to learn from it.
Do you think we should stop seeing each other?
I think by your question,
you know the answer.
No, I don't.
In your heart, you do.
I really don't.
If you think about it, you do.
I thought about it, and I don't.
Yes! We're breaking up!
So, that's it? It's just over?
Oh, Glen, you're a great guy.
We're just...
star-crossed lovers.
I'm sorry.
Oh, this is too hard. You should go.
I ordered some pie.
Would you like it to-go?
I guess I do now.
Hey, Jackie?
When you bring Glen's pie,
uh, could you also bring a piece of my heart?
In a to-go box.
Oh, to-go.
I really don't know what happened here.
Um, I'm all out of pieces of Becky's heart,
but I did slap a piece of cheese on there for you.
So, out you go.
**
Hey, Chuck. Good to see you, buddy.
Hey, hey. What's the occasion?
Well, I'm hoping Anne-Marie'll be home soon,
and I'm just hanging out with you guys
until my woman gets back
and I can blow you all off again.
Plus, Anne-Marie's gonna need somebody else
to do the cooking for a while,
so I'm teaching Chuck some of your mom's
secret family recipes.
Secret recipes?
What are you making?
Um, boiled weenies on white bread.
And the secret is, your mom didn't know how to cook.