1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,338 ♪♪ 2 00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:05,881 Morning. 3 00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:08,133 You still mad at me for putting you back in public school? 4 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:09,301 I'd love to talk, 5 00:00:09,301 --> 00:00:10,969 but my bullies don't like to be kept waiting. 6 00:00:10,969 --> 00:00:12,930 They get cranky when they have to rush through their insults 7 00:00:12,930 --> 00:00:14,056 to get to the hitting. 8 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:18,685 Oh, there's a child who still loves me. 9 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:20,187 You still love me, right? 10 00:00:20,187 --> 00:00:22,356 [ Whispers ] I do for a dollar. 11 00:00:22,356 --> 00:00:25,234 I do for a dollar. 12 00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:28,153 Uh, you're teaching her to exchange love for money? 13 00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:30,280 You know, that ends with her hanging out at a truck stop, 14 00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:31,782 and not because she's driving. 15 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,451 I have to go potty. 16 00:00:34,451 --> 00:00:38,121 Okay. Now, remember how much toilet paper we use? 17 00:00:38,121 --> 00:00:39,289 This much. 18 00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,376 That much. 19 00:00:43,585 --> 00:00:46,922 So, being back in public school isn't going so great? 20 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,048 On the contrary. 21 00:00:48,048 --> 00:00:49,341 It's a real treat being the kid 22 00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:50,676 who left to go to magnet school 23 00:00:50,676 --> 00:00:52,511 and then had to come crawling back. 24 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:55,472 In hindsight, maybe my last morning announcement 25 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,432 on the PA system shouldn't have been, 26 00:00:57,432 --> 00:01:01,311 "It's Taco Tuesday with a side of kiss my ass, losers!" 27 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:05,315 Man, you're a sitting duck in gym class. 28 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:07,276 Especially dodgeball. 29 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,819 I loved that game. 30 00:01:08,819 --> 00:01:11,822 We had one kid, we used to bean him so much, 31 00:01:11,822 --> 00:01:14,908 he had a bald spot on the back of his head from running away. 32 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:19,913 And the shame of that has never left me. 33 00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,456 You know, the best part is, 34 00:01:21,456 --> 00:01:23,834 I'm back in a school with an 80% less chance 35 00:01:23,834 --> 00:01:25,252 of me getting a scholarship. 36 00:01:25,252 --> 00:01:26,753 There's gotta be another way. 37 00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:28,964 You should just drop out and do homeschooling. 38 00:01:28,964 --> 00:01:30,465 Then you won't be forced 39 00:01:30,465 --> 00:01:33,343 to have all those life‐saving vaccines 40 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:35,387 and you can make up your own scientific theories 41 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:37,264 like your favorite athletes. 42 00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,224 Let me guess, since I'm home anyway, 43 00:01:39,224 --> 00:01:41,101 I can watch your kid while you're in class? 44 00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:43,228 Well, there's a happy accident! 45 00:01:43,228 --> 00:01:45,689 I thought Emilio watched Beverly Rose 46 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:47,482 while you were in class. 47 00:01:47,482 --> 00:01:49,609 His girlfriend's father is in the hospital, 48 00:01:49,609 --> 00:01:52,321 so he went with her to be supportive. 49 00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:54,865 I should have had a baby with an inconsiderate jerk. 50 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:57,576 You know, like Darlene did. 51 00:01:57,576 --> 00:01:59,578 Can you watch Beverly Rose? 52 00:01:59,578 --> 00:02:00,829 In the hardware store? 53 00:02:00,829 --> 00:02:02,873 We had a broken bag of bird seed, 54 00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:06,335 and the rats were running around like it's a Vegas buffet. 55 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:09,755 I could give her a mallet. She could play whack‐a‐mole. 56 00:02:09,755 --> 00:02:11,381 Jackie? No, I don't know. 57 00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,091 There's gonna be a mob at The Lunch Box. 58 00:02:13,091 --> 00:02:15,469 It's the day we give 10% off to the seniors. 59 00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,637 That won't work. 60 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:17,846 Beverly Rose is in that phase 61 00:02:17,846 --> 00:02:20,015 where she's telling everybody how they smell. 62 00:02:20,015 --> 00:02:22,309 And it's very hurtful. 63 00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:24,269 Come on, Darlene. 64 00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,063 I watched your kids. 65 00:02:26,063 --> 00:02:28,398 They only got away from me once at the mall, 66 00:02:28,398 --> 00:02:31,443 and then I found them right away in the park. 67 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:35,072 How they crossed that busy highway, I have no idea. 68 00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:36,406 I can't. 69 00:02:36,406 --> 00:02:39,284 I'm taking my last personal day to look for a new place. 70 00:02:39,284 --> 00:02:41,161 So you're actually moving out? 71 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,914 She wants to be independent from men. 72 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:46,166 And as a man with an overcrowded house, 73 00:02:46,166 --> 00:02:48,710 I say, "Yaas, queen!" 74 00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:53,382 Can't you just miss one day of class? 75 00:02:53,382 --> 00:02:54,841 I already missed two, 76 00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,761 and if I miss another one, I get an Incomplete. 77 00:02:57,761 --> 00:03:00,055 I guess I'll just have to bring her to class. 78 00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:02,349 Here's what you do ‐‐ and I've seen this work ‐‐ 79 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,559 you find two more kids, you stack them on each other. 80 00:03:04,559 --> 00:03:06,311 You stick Beverly Rose on top of them 81 00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,355 with a floor‐length trench coat and a hat, 82 00:03:08,355 --> 00:03:09,856 stick a mustache on her. 83 00:03:09,856 --> 00:03:12,067 You saw that in "The Little Rascals" movie. 84 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,611 And it worked! Cop ran right by 'em! 85 00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:28,458 ♪♪ 86 00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:36,425 ♪♪ 87 00:03:36,425 --> 00:03:44,433 ♪♪ 88 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:52,482 ♪♪ 89 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,247 Now, remember, Mommy is in class, 90 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:12,794 so you have to be very quiet and watch your video, okay? 91 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,634 Okay, today we're gonna talk about 92 00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:22,262 the real reason you all took Abnormal Psych ‐‐ 93 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,181 serial killers. 94 00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:28,143 Now, odds are, there's probably one in this very classroom. 95 00:04:28,143 --> 00:04:30,061 I know who my money's on. 96 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:34,608 Beverly Rose: ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪ 97 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,860 ♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O ♪ 98 00:04:36,860 --> 00:04:39,780 ♪ And on his farm, he had a cow ♪ 99 00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:42,324 ♪ E‐I‐E‐I‐O ♪ 100 00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:45,410 Sorry, I was just thinking about that serial killer farmer 101 00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,788 who made a wheelbarrow out of a fat guy. 102 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:50,415 Looks like we have a new student here. 103 00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,001 I am so sorry. 104 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:54,461 All my childcare fell through. 105 00:04:54,461 --> 00:04:55,921 I didn't know what else to do. 106 00:04:55,921 --> 00:04:58,590 It's okay. She's probably the only one who did the reading. 107 00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,427 Well, hello, Beverly Rose. 108 00:05:02,427 --> 00:05:04,137 My name's Professor Glen. 109 00:05:04,137 --> 00:05:06,348 You mom's told me how smart you are. 110 00:05:06,348 --> 00:05:08,141 Would you like to help me teach the class? 111 00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,893 Yes. 112 00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,102 Is that okay, Becky? 113 00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:13,396 Okay by me if it's okay with you. 114 00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:14,481 It'll be fun. 115 00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:15,649 She can help me with an experiment. 116 00:05:15,649 --> 00:05:17,651 You think she'd mind a mild electric shock? 117 00:05:17,651 --> 00:05:18,693 What? 118 00:05:18,693 --> 00:05:19,945 Kidding. 119 00:05:19,945 --> 00:05:21,404 We can't do that in the US anymore, 120 00:05:21,404 --> 00:05:23,615 but thank God for science, there's international waters. 121 00:05:23,615 --> 00:05:25,075 [ Chuckles ] 122 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,993 Okay, you ready? 123 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:29,871 Here we go. Oh. 124 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:34,751 Everybody, please say hello to my new TA, Beverly Rose. 125 00:05:34,751 --> 00:05:36,294 ‐Hi. ‐Hi, Beverly Rose. 126 00:05:36,294 --> 00:05:38,004 Okay, now. 127 00:05:38,004 --> 00:05:39,923 Can you draw a triangle? 128 00:05:39,923 --> 00:05:40,966 I don't know. 129 00:05:40,966 --> 00:05:42,217 Let's try it. 130 00:05:42,217 --> 00:05:45,136 All you got to do is connect the dots, okay? 131 00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:48,640 There you go. 132 00:05:48,640 --> 00:05:50,016 Yep. 133 00:05:50,016 --> 00:05:51,476 Ohp. [ Laughs ] 134 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,061 Yep. Yep. 135 00:05:53,061 --> 00:05:54,312 There you go. 136 00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:57,482 Now, as Beverly Rose has clearly illustrated, 137 00:05:57,482 --> 00:06:00,277 psychopathy, narcissism, and Machiavellianism 138 00:06:00,277 --> 00:06:03,905 are the three personality traits that make up the dark triad. 139 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:05,657 And give it up for Beverly Rose! Come on! 140 00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,537 So let's get back to Old MacDonald. 141 00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:13,748 Can anybody here think of any other children's songs 142 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:15,417 that might apply to abnormal psych? 143 00:06:15,417 --> 00:06:16,418 Uh... 144 00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:17,586 Becky? 145 00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:19,254 Well, it's not a song, 146 00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:23,842 but, uh, Humpty Dumpty clearly suffered from suicidal ideation. 147 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:26,303 I mean, he was an egg up on a wall. 148 00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:27,762 Obviously, he was a jumper. 149 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,139 [ Chuckles ] 150 00:06:29,139 --> 00:06:31,182 If you found Humpty with a half a fifth of Scotch 151 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:33,018 and an empty bottle of pills, you wouldn't call 152 00:06:33,018 --> 00:06:35,312 all the king's horses and all the king's men. 153 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:36,771 You'd hit him up with some NARCAN, 154 00:06:36,771 --> 00:06:38,189 put him back in the carton, 155 00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,275 and wait till the ambulance got there. 156 00:06:40,275 --> 00:06:41,610 [ Laughs ] 157 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:43,987 ♪♪ 158 00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,822 Hey, you here to get the rest of your stuff 159 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:46,990 to take to Aldo's? 160 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:48,366 Yep. 161 00:06:48,366 --> 00:06:51,077 Well, I'll say it so that you don't have to. 162 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,871 "I've missed you every day, Mom. 163 00:06:52,871 --> 00:06:55,915 Not just your wisdom or your reassuring presence, 164 00:06:55,915 --> 00:06:57,792 but the warmth that radiates from you 165 00:06:57,792 --> 00:06:58,877 like a second sun." 166 00:06:58,877 --> 00:07:00,211 [ Laughs ] 167 00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:01,671 Thought you'd enjoy that. 168 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:06,009 So I heard you pulled Mark out of the magnet school. 169 00:07:06,009 --> 00:07:07,469 What'd the little prince do? 170 00:07:07,469 --> 00:07:10,764 Shank a stupid kid with his National Honor Society pin? 171 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:14,017 No, he was taking Logan's ADHD medication. 172 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,977 Whoa, t‐that's terrible. 173 00:07:15,977 --> 00:07:17,687 We should check his room to see if he's hiding any. 174 00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:20,440 Don't bother. He gave it all to me. 175 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,734 If they were mine, you would have never found them. 176 00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:24,861 Yeah, well, he just used them to study. 177 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:26,363 If I knew you were gonna do that, 178 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:28,531 I would have sprinkled them on your cereal. 179 00:07:32,911 --> 00:07:34,704 I'm gonna have to blame that on you. 180 00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,001 Whoa. 181 00:07:40,001 --> 00:07:41,920 This is $500. 182 00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:45,548 Oh, my God! That's where I put it! 183 00:07:45,548 --> 00:07:48,093 Where did Mark get this kind of money? 184 00:07:48,093 --> 00:07:50,512 Oh, looks like your perfect little boy 185 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,139 graduated from drug user to drug dealer. 186 00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,601 He said he'd do anything to get money for college, 187 00:07:56,601 --> 00:07:58,269 but I can't believe he's doing this. 188 00:07:58,269 --> 00:08:00,563 [ Zips bag ] Yeah, and it doesn't make any sense. 189 00:08:00,563 --> 00:08:02,565 If you're already making money selling drugs to kids, 190 00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:03,733 why would you go to college? 191 00:08:03,733 --> 00:08:05,110 You've already got a career. 192 00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,616 Come on, Darlene. 193 00:08:11,616 --> 00:08:13,243 Mark's not the kind of kid who deals drugs. 194 00:08:13,243 --> 00:08:14,744 What else is he doing to make that kind of money? 195 00:08:14,744 --> 00:08:16,037 You gotta talk to him. 196 00:08:16,037 --> 00:08:18,623 I'm going to, but he lied about taking the pills. 197 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,083 He's gonna lie about this, 198 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:21,668 and if I accuse him and I'm wrong, 199 00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:23,878 then it's just gonna split us even further apart. 200 00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:25,130 Oh, back in my cop days, 201 00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,174 we had one guaranteed way to get the truth. 202 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,218 It ‐‐ Well, but it's a whole ‐‐ 203 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,345 You gotta get a pit bull and a blindfold. 204 00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:33,847 Geez. 205 00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:37,225 Jackie, Mark is your great‐nephew who you love. 206 00:08:37,225 --> 00:08:38,935 Okay, no blindfold. 207 00:08:38,935 --> 00:08:40,186 It's actually more effective 208 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:42,105 when you see the pit bull coming. 209 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,524 You're off the case. 210 00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,984 Damn it. 211 00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,319 Have either of you seen anything suspicious? 212 00:08:48,319 --> 00:08:51,156 Okay, maybe this is nothing, but now that I think about it, 213 00:08:51,156 --> 00:08:52,991 the last couple of weeks while you were at work, 214 00:08:52,991 --> 00:08:55,368 there's been kids I've never seen before coming by. 215 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,453 Oh, man. 216 00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:58,288 When I drove Mark home from school today, 217 00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,790 there was an older kid waiting for him. 218 00:09:00,790 --> 00:09:02,500 Wait, so the kid that I just 219 00:09:02,500 --> 00:09:04,461 confiscated a bunch of pills from 220 00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,755 now has a waiting line of randos dropping by, 221 00:09:06,755 --> 00:09:08,715 and neither of you thought just to, oh, mention it? 222 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:12,093 Hey, you're the one raising the little Scarface. 223 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:13,511 Don't blame it on us. 224 00:09:13,511 --> 00:09:15,430 I gotta go. 225 00:09:15,430 --> 00:09:16,681 Jackie: See? 226 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:19,017 This is why I quit the force. 227 00:09:19,017 --> 00:09:21,644 I couldn't handle watching promising young people 228 00:09:21,644 --> 00:09:23,271 go down the wrong path. 229 00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:25,523 You shot yourself in the leg with your own gun 230 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,734 and fell down a flight of stairs. 231 00:09:27,734 --> 00:09:30,862 In despair over the young people. 232 00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,074 God. 233 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:36,826 [ Sighs ] 234 00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:38,203 ♪♪ 235 00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:40,080 My professor is this brilliant guy 236 00:09:40,080 --> 00:09:43,666 with this dark sense of humor, so I was surprised to see 237 00:09:43,666 --> 00:09:46,878 how sweet he was with Beverly Rose today. Hmm. 238 00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,880 The only way I could get her to leave the classroom 239 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,924 was by promising her we'd see a horse. 240 00:09:50,924 --> 00:09:52,592 There aren't any horses in Lanford. 241 00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:56,346 That's why I drove really fast by that chunky golden retriever 242 00:09:56,346 --> 00:09:57,639 and yelled "Pony!" 243 00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:01,559 Yeah, part of it is that Glen's single 244 00:10:01,559 --> 00:10:03,186 and he doesn't have any kids. 245 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,771 He'd probably make a great dad. 246 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,898 Don't you do it. Do what? 247 00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:09,234 Don't be hot for teacher. We've all been there. 248 00:10:09,234 --> 00:10:11,778 My training officer, Hank the Tank, 249 00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:14,447 he was teaching me how to drive in a high‐speed pursuit 250 00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:17,117 and we started going at it like two cats in heat. 251 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,243 Next thing you know, 252 00:10:18,243 --> 00:10:19,911 we're in our underwear on the hood of the car. 253 00:10:19,911 --> 00:10:21,788 Put on quite a show for the dash cam. 254 00:10:23,206 --> 00:10:24,624 Uh, you forgot to put one on my head. 255 00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:25,625 Oh, yeah. Sorry. 256 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,918 But my point is, 257 00:10:26,918 --> 00:10:29,712 he got demoted for abuse of rank 258 00:10:29,712 --> 00:10:32,882 and I got a bad rep for sleeping my way to the middle. 259 00:10:32,882 --> 00:10:35,343 You're way ahead of me. 260 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:39,514 Yeah, okay, I like him, but I don't know if he likes me. 261 00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:42,433 I mean, we laugh in our advisor meetings. 262 00:10:42,433 --> 00:10:44,561 We have these amazing, deep talks 263 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:47,105 that I can't have with anybody else. 264 00:10:47,105 --> 00:10:49,482 Has he given you any obvious clues? 265 00:10:49,482 --> 00:10:52,068 Just little comments he makes on my papers. 266 00:10:52,068 --> 00:10:53,236 Like what? 267 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:55,446 Uh, "Great job." "You're a star." 268 00:10:55,446 --> 00:10:57,907 That's nice. That doesn't mean anything. 269 00:10:57,907 --> 00:10:59,742 True, I am a star. 270 00:11:00,785 --> 00:11:03,079 One day, I turned a paper in late 271 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,331 because I missed class, and he wrote he missed me. 272 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:07,584 "Missed" could be platonic. 273 00:11:07,584 --> 00:11:09,836 I mean, I miss Kenny Rogers Roasters, 274 00:11:09,836 --> 00:11:10,879 but I wouldn't date him. 275 00:11:10,879 --> 00:11:12,130 What else you got? 276 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,382 Uh...how about this? 277 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,634 "I love the way your brain works." 278 00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:19,220 He used the word "love"? 279 00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:22,473 Good God! Hot pants! Get out of that class! 280 00:11:22,473 --> 00:11:24,475 You actually think he's into me? 281 00:11:24,475 --> 00:11:28,062 You have deep talks. You laugh together. 282 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:31,107 He writes flirty little notes on your papers. 283 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:33,610 Hot pants! 284 00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,862 Okay. 285 00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,947 Now it's real. 286 00:11:37,947 --> 00:11:39,782 That's exciting, 287 00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:42,452 but it also sucks, because you're right. 288 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:46,331 It could ruin his career, and how could you resist this? 289 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:47,957 What are you gonna do? 290 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:52,962 I have to drop his class and find another advisor 291 00:11:52,962 --> 00:11:55,048 before something gets out of hand. 292 00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,257 Yeah, that's the smart move. 293 00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,092 That's what I was gonna do with Hank the Tank, 294 00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,720 but then he got caught stealing money from the mob 295 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:02,931 and he hit the road... 296 00:12:02,931 --> 00:12:04,849 when they threw him off an overpass. 297 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,101 ♪♪ 298 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,394 Mark: Did you bring the money? 299 00:12:08,394 --> 00:12:09,604 Do I have to pay you up front? 300 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,147 That's the way it works. 301 00:12:15,985 --> 00:12:17,946 You sure your essay's gonna get me into the college I want? 302 00:12:17,946 --> 00:12:20,865 Trust me, I've been preparing for this all my life. 303 00:12:20,865 --> 00:12:23,034 Admissions people love pain and suffering. 304 00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,827 They want to hear about your heroic struggle 305 00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:26,955 to overcome all your heartbreaking problems. 306 00:12:26,955 --> 00:12:29,374 Dyslexia, broken home, dead parents, all that crap. 307 00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:30,875 So what do you got? 308 00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:34,254 Uh... I'm lactose intolerant. 309 00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,630 That's it? 310 00:12:35,630 --> 00:12:37,674 Okay, um... 311 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,343 I'm hearing the tragic tale 312 00:12:40,343 --> 00:12:42,971 of a desperately lonely young man 313 00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:45,139 whose diseased gut clenched with fear 314 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,141 every time he heard the bells of an ice cream truck. 315 00:12:48,142 --> 00:12:50,520 Did you have to go through any painful medical procedures? 316 00:12:50,520 --> 00:12:51,813 Uh, no. 317 00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:55,650 I just take a lactase chewable before I eat dairy. 318 00:12:55,650 --> 00:12:57,527 No, no, you don't. 319 00:12:57,527 --> 00:13:00,405 You suffer the social anxiety 320 00:13:00,405 --> 00:13:02,991 of being different than everybody else 321 00:13:02,991 --> 00:13:06,286 and battle loneliness and isolation as a result, 322 00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,455 but you persevered to become... 323 00:13:09,455 --> 00:13:11,582 the treasurer of the origami club? 324 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:13,960 You're killing me here. 325 00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:16,296 Okay, well, I'll call you when I have something. 326 00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:18,339 Go fold yourself a swan. 327 00:13:21,509 --> 00:13:23,678 Hi, I'm Mark's mom. Who are you? 328 00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:24,721 I'm Tyler. 329 00:13:24,721 --> 00:13:26,180 Oh, nice to meet you, Tyler. 330 00:13:26,180 --> 00:13:28,391 You want to give me the pills, or should I call the police? 331 00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:29,517 What? 332 00:13:29,517 --> 00:13:31,019 I know you've got pills in your pocket. 333 00:13:31,019 --> 00:13:32,186 Give them to me. Now! 334 00:13:32,186 --> 00:13:33,521 But I ‐‐ I need these. 335 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,565 No, you don't. You just think you do. 336 00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,400 No, I really do. 337 00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:39,736 You don't want to know what happens if I don't. 338 00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:42,572 Ask my brother. He shares a room with me. 339 00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,407 Listen to yourself. 340 00:13:44,407 --> 00:13:46,409 You are whacked out of your mind. 341 00:13:46,409 --> 00:13:49,454 Go home, tell your parents you have a problem, 342 00:13:49,454 --> 00:13:50,788 and get some help. 343 00:13:50,788 --> 00:13:53,291 You can beat this, Tyler. Come on. 344 00:13:54,625 --> 00:13:57,295 I just met Tyler. What the hell are you thinking? 345 00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,088 I told you. I'm gonna do whatever it takes. 346 00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:00,256 I need money for college. 347 00:14:00,256 --> 00:14:02,050 Oh, and that makes it okay to sell drugs? 348 00:14:02,050 --> 00:14:04,510 What are you talking about? I'm not selling drugs. 349 00:14:04,510 --> 00:14:06,429 Oh, really? What are these? 350 00:14:06,429 --> 00:14:10,058 Pills for lactose intolerance. Tyler can't eat dairy. 351 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,435 Whoops. 352 00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:15,188 But ‐‐ Look, if you're not dealing drugs, 353 00:14:15,188 --> 00:14:16,814 then how did you make this? 354 00:14:16,814 --> 00:14:18,649 You searched my room? 355 00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,277 No, I was putting away laundry in your room, 356 00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,363 and then Harris came in and broke your picture frame. 357 00:14:26,115 --> 00:14:28,326 I made that money writing college admission essays 358 00:14:28,326 --> 00:14:29,952 for kids from my old magnet school 359 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,579 who are too stupid to write their own. 360 00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:32,830 That's why Tyler was here. 361 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:35,291 Well, that's wrong, too. It's unethical. 362 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:36,751 Yeah, but it's not illegal. 363 00:14:36,751 --> 00:14:39,003 Tutors help kids with their essays all the time. 364 00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,880 They don't write them. 365 00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,173 Because of what you're doing, 366 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:44,425 rich magnet school kids are getting into colleges 367 00:14:44,425 --> 00:14:46,219 while some more deserving kids aren't. 368 00:14:46,219 --> 00:14:49,222 Yeah, I'm one of those more deserving kids, 369 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:51,599 and I'm going to keep taking advantage of these idiots 370 00:14:51,599 --> 00:14:54,894 until I have enough money to go to one of these colleges, too. 371 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,146 And your snooping is forcing me to do something 372 00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,232 that no Conner has ever done. 373 00:14:59,232 --> 00:15:00,691 I'm gonna go open a savings account. 374 00:15:03,236 --> 00:15:04,654 [ Door closes ] 375 00:15:07,698 --> 00:15:10,159 ♪♪ 376 00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:11,327 Hey. 377 00:15:11,327 --> 00:15:13,329 This is a nice surprise. 378 00:15:13,329 --> 00:15:14,872 Were we supposed to meet today? 379 00:15:14,872 --> 00:15:17,458 No, but I need to talk to you. 380 00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:19,752 I'm all ears. Get 'em from my father. 381 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:21,921 Better than my mother. She was all nose. 382 00:15:21,921 --> 00:15:25,633 So, uh...what's up? 383 00:15:27,218 --> 00:15:29,095 I need to transfer out of your class 384 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:31,347 and take it with another professor. 385 00:15:31,347 --> 00:15:34,809 Well, there's two problems with that. 386 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,686 One, this course is a requirement 387 00:15:36,686 --> 00:15:39,021 and I'm the only one who teaches it. 388 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:41,816 And two, you're doing great in this class. 389 00:15:41,816 --> 00:15:43,776 Why would you want to transfer? 390 00:15:43,776 --> 00:15:46,529 Because I have feelings for you, 391 00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:50,032 and if I'm reading my graded papers correctly, 392 00:15:50,032 --> 00:15:53,619 I think you might have feelings for me, too, 393 00:15:53,619 --> 00:15:57,123 unless I've misread this whole thing, 394 00:15:57,123 --> 00:16:00,918 in which case, I hope you have a very tiny stroke 395 00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:04,338 that just kills this memory. 396 00:16:04,338 --> 00:16:07,508 It took a lot of courage to tell me that. 397 00:16:07,508 --> 00:16:09,677 I'll try to be just as brave. 398 00:16:10,928 --> 00:16:14,557 Don't tell anyone, 'cause I'll deny it if you do ‐‐ 399 00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,142 I have feelings for you, too. 400 00:16:16,142 --> 00:16:18,603 But you didn't hear it from me. 401 00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:21,022 I knew you liked me! 402 00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,899 Shh, shh. Maybe we keep our voices down 403 00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,860 to a non‐career‐ending level. 404 00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:29,572 Sorry. I just really enjoy being right. 405 00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:33,659 I know you can get fired for dating me. 406 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,995 And I'm worried about what this could do to you, too. 407 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,246 I mean, the students would hate you 408 00:16:37,246 --> 00:16:39,457 for getting their favorite professor fired. 409 00:16:39,457 --> 00:16:41,083 [ Chuckles ] 410 00:16:41,083 --> 00:16:42,668 So what do we do? 411 00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:45,463 Easy. The only thing we can do. 412 00:16:45,463 --> 00:16:48,674 I marry you immediately and we grow old doing psych research. 413 00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:50,968 We'll shock babies together off the coast. 414 00:16:53,721 --> 00:16:55,932 Why don't we talk about this over dinner? 415 00:16:55,932 --> 00:16:57,725 We just gotta find a place to meet 416 00:16:57,725 --> 00:17:00,228 that's so horrible, nobody but us would ever go there. 417 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,395 [ Chuckles ] 418 00:17:01,395 --> 00:17:03,940 Uh, you know that tire fire 419 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:07,068 that's been burning for years out by the landfill? 420 00:17:07,068 --> 00:17:09,111 Good start. [ Chuckles ] 421 00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:12,949 There's a really nice, little Peruvian jazz place 422 00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,283 right next door. 423 00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,786 I know it. I thought they closed that place down. 424 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:18,120 Oh, no. 425 00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:21,290 It reopens every day the wind is blowing from the east. 426 00:17:21,999 --> 00:17:23,626 ♪♪ 427 00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:24,919 [ Knock on door ] 428 00:17:30,466 --> 00:17:31,676 Can I help you? 429 00:17:31,676 --> 00:17:32,802 Are you Mark Healy? 430 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:33,886 I am. 431 00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:35,263 I'm Will Deetler. 432 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:37,014 You wrote an essay for my daughter. 433 00:17:37,014 --> 00:17:39,308 Oh, hi. I'm Mark's mother. 434 00:17:39,308 --> 00:17:41,978 I already talked to him and told him what he did was wrong, 435 00:17:41,978 --> 00:17:43,563 and we're so sorry about that. 436 00:17:43,563 --> 00:17:45,439 That's not the problem. 437 00:17:45,439 --> 00:17:47,775 The essay Mark wrote was exactly the same 438 00:17:47,775 --> 00:17:49,318 as an essay he wrote for another kid 439 00:17:49,318 --> 00:17:51,779 who was also going to submit it to Northwestern. 440 00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,407 Thank God the two kids talked and caught it. 441 00:17:54,407 --> 00:17:56,158 That was pretty stupid, man. 442 00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:58,828 Hey, I do have a kid you can call stupid, but not this one. 443 00:17:59,870 --> 00:18:02,915 He'll pay your daughter back her money. 444 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,001 She didn't pay for it. I did. 445 00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:08,754 She wrote an essay about an eyebrow threading gone wrong. 446 00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:11,048 When I told her it was terrible, she looked sad 447 00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:12,341 or angry. 448 00:18:12,341 --> 00:18:15,052 Her eyebrows are so screwed up, I couldn't tell. 449 00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:17,138 This was your idea? 450 00:18:17,138 --> 00:18:18,514 Oh, my God. 451 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:21,142 You've got no moral ground to complain about anything. 452 00:18:21,142 --> 00:18:24,562 I don't need moral ground. I need a new essay. 453 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:25,605 Well, no! 454 00:18:25,605 --> 00:18:27,565 You're done taking advantage of my kid. 455 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,525 Look, the application deadline is next week. 456 00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,403 Don't make me go to Mark's principal and get him expelled. 457 00:18:32,403 --> 00:18:35,531 Oh, you do that and I'll go to the magnet school and get... 458 00:18:35,531 --> 00:18:36,824 What's your idiot kid's name? 459 00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,201 Skyler. Oh, of course it is. 460 00:18:39,201 --> 00:18:42,288 I'll get Skyler expelled from there. 461 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:44,790 We built the new cafeteria at the magnet school, 462 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,167 so take your best shot. 463 00:18:46,167 --> 00:18:48,169 How about I tell every school she applies to 464 00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,004 that she does not write her own essays? 465 00:18:50,004 --> 00:18:51,297 Then she'll be blacklisted 466 00:18:51,297 --> 00:18:53,716 from getting into any school anywhere. 467 00:18:53,716 --> 00:18:56,177 Take a look at our furniture, cafeteria man. 468 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,762 We got nothing to lose! 469 00:18:59,722 --> 00:19:01,015 That was great! 470 00:19:01,015 --> 00:19:03,351 I can't believe you stuck up for me like that. 471 00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,728 That is what parents do, 472 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:08,564 but they don't do it twice, so listen up. 473 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,108 If both of those essays would have gone to Northwestern, 474 00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:12,777 you know those kids would have turned you in, 475 00:19:12,777 --> 00:19:15,071 and you would have been blacklisted along with them, 476 00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,657 then you can forget about going to college anywhere. 477 00:19:19,450 --> 00:19:20,868 Then what am I supposed to do? 478 00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:23,162 I don't know how else to pay for college. 479 00:19:25,081 --> 00:19:27,875 I may have found a way, but it's gonna take awhile. 480 00:19:27,875 --> 00:19:30,044 What? 481 00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:33,047 Okay, I've been up every night looking for scholarships, 482 00:19:33,047 --> 00:19:36,092 and one way that you can get colleges to give you one 483 00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:37,760 is to have a unique skill 484 00:19:37,760 --> 00:19:40,721 like playing an instrument in their orchestra 485 00:19:40,721 --> 00:19:42,306 that no one else wants to play. 486 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,557 Like what, a tuba? 487 00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:46,811 No, way more embarrassing than that. 488 00:19:46,811 --> 00:19:49,939 It's something that nobody wants to learn. 489 00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,818 The contrabassoon. 490 00:19:53,818 --> 00:19:56,112 Oh, my God. It's giant. 491 00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:58,739 Uh, this is what it sounds like if you do it well. 492 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:01,951 [ Contrabassoon playing ] 493 00:20:01,951 --> 00:20:04,662 That should take you about two years to get to that. 494 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,793 Alright, let's get one. 495 00:20:10,793 --> 00:20:12,503 And I think I might be able to get 496 00:20:12,503 --> 00:20:14,588 a great college essay out of this. 497 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,257 "I'm a gay contrabassoonist 498 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:18,384 from the wrong side of the tracks." 499 00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,136 Buckle in. Why? 500 00:20:20,136 --> 00:20:23,472 'Cause you are on a rocket sled to Harvard. 501 00:20:28,227 --> 00:20:30,771 So, now that Mark's gone sideways, 502 00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,398 you're my only hope. 503 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:35,651 And since you're kind of a blank slate, 504 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:38,320 I want to get you going in the right direction. 505 00:20:38,320 --> 00:20:41,282 Now, the Chinese culture has it right ‐‐ 506 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:44,952 the way to happiness is to honor your oldest relative 507 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,121 by letting them live with you 508 00:20:47,121 --> 00:20:51,167 and taking care of them their whole life, okay, sweet pea? 509 00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,835 Okay. Okay. 510 00:20:52,835 --> 00:20:54,462 Mm. 511 00:20:57,423 --> 00:21:00,092 Oh, you're gonna be a whole different kind of special.