We've got a lot more broken ornaments than usual.
I guess you're gonna blame my kid for that.
Uh, Becky, what does she call these?
Baseballs?
Don't you worry. I got us covered.
In the summer? Fishing lures.
In December? Christmas ornaments.
Guess what? This year, we don't have to dodge cars
or run onto the highway median to cut down a tree.
I got us one already. It's a beauty!
Becky, come give me a hand.
Oh, no dodging cars, huh?
I'm gonna miss looking at our tree
and thinking how lucky we are to be alive.
It's a beer can Christmas tree.
Just when you think our trash can't get any whiter.
One of the liquor distributors at The Lunch Box
gave it to us as a promotional item.
It was either this or "Rudolph the Rum-Nosed Reindeer".
Lights the way with his nose, but he shouldn't be on the road.
Nice tree.
When most people are worried
about Christmas becoming too commercial,
the Conners are going the other way.
Crap. Did we have plans for today?
'Cause I can ditch these people in a hot minute.
No, no. I-I just came by to tell you
that I had a really great time last night.
I also brought breakfast for everybody.
For everybody? I assume you mean it's not vegan.
Oh.
An in-person thank you and breakfast?
Well, somebody gave it up quick.
Uh, relax, you old horn dog. Nobody gave anything up.
It was just a nice night at the theater.
We've been going out a couple weeks,
and I thought it was time for it to be my turn to treat,
so I got us a couple tickets
to Lanford High's production of "Hamilton."
Ha! What kind of cheap-ass places
did you take her to to deserve that?
I-I loved it, especially when a rubber band
shot off of Hamilton's braces and into Aaron Burr's eye.
It really made the duel about something.
I'm just impressed that Nick
came all the way over here to thank you.
Actually, I-I came over 'cause I don't have a cellphone.
Dropped it in the crapper, huh?
Happens to the best of us.
You just gotta glove up and go fishing.
Uh, no.
Nick gave up his phone a while ago.
He was a stockbroker, and the phone represented stress 24/7.
Yeah, phones suck all of your energy.
They keep you from living your life in the present.
I have no energy and no life,
so it's really not a problem for me.
So, Nick, you don't have a phone.
That's really interesting.
How do people get in touch with you?
They leave me messages at the bookstore.
So, what, you're just anti-technology?
No. Not at all. I have an electric car.
Ha. In case you haven't heard,
they got ones that run on gas now.
I guess it's gonna be up to us old-timers
to finish putting that hole in the ozone by ourselves.
Well, it'll give you something to do
until the melanoma gets ya.
Anyway, I gotta get going.
Uh, hey, why don't you, uh, swing by
after you're done with work and say hi? Sure.
Hey, how about she drives all the way over there
and she can hand you an emoji
that lets you know how she's feeling?
So, Nick doesn't have a phone.
How very convenient.
Don't start. I'm not.
I'm just wondering if he's really trying to avoid stress
or he just doesn't want you to know where he is.
Sure, i-it's a little weird, and -- and, yeah,
maybe it's been kind of inconvenient,
but when we're together, he's totally present.
What if he's also present with his other girlfriend
or girlfriends or wife?
Guy's got an electric car.
Obviously, he's looking for action.
I have no idea what that means.
Dad, you're a good judge of character.
You don't think anything's going on, right?
I-I like the guy, but he's not living in a commune.
He's got a job. He's got a kid.
Emergencies come up. I don't get it.
Okay, so I'm dating a guy with a secret family,
but I'm getting to the age where guys are gonna have baggage.
Darlene.
Okay, fine. I-It bugs me. I-I'll talk to him.
Or you sit in your car outside of his house,
one house down, but on the other side of the street.
Leave your rain lights on, and don't forget to bring a pee jar.
'Cause those motion-sensor lights outside people's garages,
they will light you up
like Liza Minnelli taking a leak on Broadway.
-- Captions by VITAC --
**
Make sure you get everything out of these drawers.
I don't want to accidentally give away something of value
at the garage sale.
I found 11 cents and a candy bar wrapper.
You want me to put this in the safe?
I still don't get why Louise is making you
get rid of this bedroom set.
I mean, it's old, but it looks fine to me.
I don't want to get rid of it, either.
I'd rather just use Louise's furniture and save this stuff,
but she wants new stuff that's ours.
Hey, start off making her happy.
Then you've got someplace to go.
Sure. The problem is,
I gotta pay for it 'cause she paid for the wedding.
I don't have the money, so I gotta sell all this stuff,
and it's too bad 'cause...
they don't make furniture like this anymore.
You mean by savaging old-growth forests
and pouring the excess varnish into our drinking water?
It was a different time,
and you don't remember what water used to taste like anyway.
This was the first new furniture your mom and dad ever bought.
Yeah, before this, it was lawn chairs in the living room
and a phone company spool for a table.
That's when we were just starting out
and I wasn't the mogul I am now.
But your mom saw a picture of this set
in a Montgomery Ward's catalogue.
Boy, did she fall in love with it.
A catalogue?
It must've taken a while for the stagecoach to deliver it
from Californee.
You know, this mattress is still in pretty good shape.
Any of you guys want it?
Rock, paper, scissors.
Loser gets the mattress
we were conceived on and Mom died on.
Ew. I don't want a humpy-ghosty mattress!
Well, we shouldn't waste it.
Oh, I'll give it to Neville.
He's treating a cow with weeping shingles
that needs something soft to lie on.
**
Harris, why are you stealing food?
Well, Mom didn't pack me a lunch when she kicked me out,
so I'm grabbing a meal.
I thought you were living with your boyfriend now.
I was, but...
his kids have been getting into some trouble recently,
so I'm giving them space for a couple months.
Don't tell Mom.
What? Where are you staying?
I'm staying on a friend's couch right now.
Not really a-a friend, a stranger
who rents their couch out on Craigslist.
It's basically free. I just have to call her "Grandma."
Harris!
It's safe. I'm fine.
Speaking of couches, who's the rando on ours?
Oh, that's Isabella.
She had a baby and dropped out of school.
She's one of the girls I'm mentoring to help get their GED.
And they get fed, too?
Does one have to get knocked up to get in on this action?
Well, it helps.
But if you really want your application to stand out,
join a gang or stab your pimp.
I brought you a soda and a bologna sandwich
in case you're hungry.
You're not supposed to eat lunch meat when you're nursing.
Well, that explains my brother.
Thank you for not bailing today.
I know you have a lot on your plate,
but this is important, too.
It's fine. I want my GED. Let's just do this.
Did you do the reading?
Yes. Okay.
Instead of going on to the next chapter, like we usually do,
let's review this chapter and make sure you got it.
Okay?
Okay, so you read about the Suffragette Movement.
It's pretty cool when you think about it.
They empowered me, and now I'm empowering you.
What did you think?
Well, the stuff women were doing back then was mad empowering.
That's a nice summary of what I just said.
Give me a specific.
What did you think about, uh, Marie Antoinette's contribution
to the Nineteenth Amendment?
It couldn't have happened without her.
Okay, you missed by 150 years and a continent.
You did this last week, too.
You're a smart person,
and I can't help you unless you do the reading.
I'm trying, but it's hard.
I'm distracted at home,
a-and I can't go to a library and study
because of the baby, which is ironic,
because I got pregnant in a library.
[ Chuckles ] People just kept going "shh."
Okay, I've got a big paper I gotta finish by tomorrow,
but I want you to succeed.
So, why don't you go home,
and I'll come over for a couple hours tonight
to watch the baby while you go to the library?
That would be amazing. Thank you.
You're the Marie Antoinette of mentors.
Yeah, that's not a good thing.
[ Knocks on window ]
Oh, sorry, ma'am. No public bathrooms.
Go to the park.
I got you a gift. I'm coming in, you new-age freak.
[ Door closes ]
Look, I know you're doing inventory,
but I was really anxious to give you this.
Wow.
Huh.
You got me a phone.
Well, who should I call?
I'm gonna call you. Hello, Darlene? It's Nick.
Yeah, why'd you get me something I told you I don't want?
I know, I know,
but I-I customized this phone just for you.
It's got a meditation app,
and the case is a fat, smiling Buddha.
Look how happy he is to have a phone in his belly.
Yeah, and that's not offensive to billions of people at all.
Look, let's be honest here.
Is that a gift for me, or is that a gift for you?
Both.
I mean, I like spending time with you,
and when I'm not spending time with you,
I like to be able to tell you
how much I like spending time with you.
Mm-hmm. I like to know what you're doing and who you're with
and be able to geo-locate you while I do it.
Is that so bad?
So, okay, now we're at the core issue.
Have I done anything to make you so suspicious of me?
No, uh, I just don't want to be a fool.
Okay, well, if the only way you can trust me
is by being able to track me 24/7,
we don't have the foundation for a good relationship.
Well, I don't want to be this kind of person.
It's just now that it's in my head,
I can't stop worrying about it.
Well, maybe that's something you should think about.
And if you're on your phone all the time
trying to find me on my friends' Instas,
that makes it even worse.
Right, but I'm not gonna get rid of my phone.
I don't think you could.
Oh, I could.
I left it on the roof of my car one time
and drove without it for 20 minutes.
I was fine.
I bet you couldn't do a day.
I could totally do a day.
Then do it.
And use that time to think about why you don't trust me.
Fine. Just to prove I'm gonna do it...
Okay. Uh-huh. ...I'm gonna give you the phone.
Just let me delete a few texts here to Becky
that may or may not be about you.
[ Chuckles ] And set my super-secret code,
and set my exploding dye app in case anyone tries to get in.
And here you go.
Sorry I'm late.
I just got Kayley to sleep.
Where have you been?
It's 2:00 AM.
The library closed four hours ago.
I was this close to calling the cops.
Okay, I was totally gonna go to the library,
but then I got invited to a concert,
and I haven't been to a concert in forever.
But this time, I had a babysitter, so I had to go.
You know what it's like.
I'm sure you went to go see The Beatles or something.
I am not Beatles old. I'm not even Aerosmith old.
You took advantage of me.
Why are you so freaked out? It was one night.
Because I gave up a night with my kid to watch yours,
and I didn't get my paper done
because your baby was crying all night.
By the way, she shrieks like a bus
that needs brakes driven by a tea kettle!
Why are you so high and mighty?
You dropped out of school when you were my age, too.
Yeah, and I would have killed to have someone who cared enough
to help me get back on track.
What? You're supposed to be my role model?
A 46-year-old loser living in her dad's basement?
Sorry to waste your time.
[ Door slams ]
[ Kayley crying ]
**
[ Clears throat ] If you're thinking you can make a phone
out of parts of a toaster,
"Gilligan's Island" taught me you need a coconut.
I'm just doing what Nick said --
spending some time without my phone,
thinking about why I've got a perfectly great guy
and I don't trust him.
Yeah, he's a sweet guy. Why don't you trust him?
You started this. You told me he was hiding extra wives
and girlfriends all over town.
I say a lot of things.
This is clearly about your filter.
And you're dodging the question.
What are you doing with the toaster?
Well, I started digging in to why I distrust him,
and it made me really anxious,
so the next logical move was to take apart a toaster.
Coming through. Watch your back.
Dad, tell them how much you're asking for the dresser.
500 bucks.
What?! The only way that dresser's worth 500 bucks
is if there's a bag of cocaine taped under one of the drawers.
Yeah, and the drawer's in a better dresser.
[ Both laugh ]
New furniture's gonna be expensive.
I need to get top dollar for this stuff.
So, you're taking apart a toaster
because you felt anxious.
Why does thinking of Nick cheating make you feel this way?
I don't know. It doesn't make any sense.
And he's obviously a good guy,
and I'm still afraid he's gonna hurt me.
Mm-hmm.
The question is, why don't I trust him?
I don't know.
Sometimes, when I think something bad about somebody else,
it's usually because I'm capable of the same thing.
I used to think everybody else was crazy, but hello!
No, you're right.
I'm the reason that I don't trust Nick.
I-I gotta go call him.
Doesn't have a phone. What a jackass.
What the hell happened to my toaster?
Oh, Darlene had to work something out.
I can help you put it back together again.
Hey, maybe you can get a couple grand for it.
**
Okay, here comes somebody else.
Now, just try and be reasonable this time.
Listen to the offer before you attack him.
I've had this furniture most of my adult life.
It's like somebody offering you 100 bucks
for one of your kids.
Wait a minute. Didn't you bet D.J.
in one of your card games one time?
Yeah, but I knew nobody wanted him.
Hello, sir.
You look like a person who knows quality furniture on the street
when you see it.
Yeah, it looks like a nice little set.
How long have you had this stuff?
43 years. A lot of good memories.
Plus, no veneers, dovetail joints.
You'd be proud to own a set like this.
Nice. I'll give you 50 bucks for all of it.
Easy.
50 whole dollars.
Gee whiz, mister, that's a lot of money...
for a kid shoveling snow.
But I'm a grown man, and I am selling this dresser for $500.
You-- You're kidding, right?
No, sir, I am not. $2,000 for the whole set.
Take it or leave it. You're dreaming, man.
I'll go 100 bucks. No more.
Keep walking. Okay. No.
Hey! Hey! Hold on. Dan, it's a yard sale.
Negotiating, huh? That's all a part of it.
You're not that far apart.
He said $100, you're at $2,000.
I'm not going any higher.
I'm saving you the cost of a salvage truck.
Okay, he's firm at $100, so, Dan, your counteroffer is...?
Kiss my ass.
He's still firm at $2,000.
Yard sale's over.
[ Scoffs ] Well, I'm not carrying this stuff back inside.
Hey. Hi.
So, what'd you do with all that time on your hands?
I destroyed a toaster. Mm.
And then I started thinking about
why all my relationships went bad.
You know, not all guys are gonna cheat on you, Darlene.
Yeah.
Um, I was actually the one that cheated.
You cheated on someone?
Yeah. And I lied.
And I think I'm a pretty good person,
so if someone like me can do crap like that,
I just figure anybody can, even a nice guy like you.
Wow.
Some people spend years in therapy
before they get to that kind of revelation.
Yeah, well, I'm broke. I gotta get there faster.
So, uh, the cheating and the lying,
was that, like, a one-off
or more like an every-guy-you-get-involved-with
kind of thing? Oh, no, just the last guy.
I sabotaged the rest of them in all different ways.
You'll see. [ Chuckles ]
I guess I'll take the burner phone back.
No, no. No way. No, no, no.
Now I know I need to keep tabs on you.
Kidding. But, you know, maybe I'll keep it so we can text.
Maybe I'll text you during the day.
Whoa. Stop smothering me.
You're gonna drive me into the arms of another man.
[ Chuckles ]
But, actually, i-it will be nice
to text my boyfriend whenever I want to.
Crooked smile, prayer hands emoji.
Am I your boyfriend?
Now I really wish I was texting.
Blush-face, heart-eyes.
Oh, the queen has risen from her chambers.
I'm not in the mood for your crap!
I'm sorry.
I didn't get home from Isabella's until 3:00,
and I still had to finish my paper for school.
Wow. You're really committed to helping those girls out.
Good for you. Yeah, it was all for nothing.
She wasn't serious about the program.
Well, you did your best. Can't win 'em all.
I hate it.
I made a difference in the lives of the other girls,
and Isabella was gonna be my third success.
Is this about helping people
or how many successes you can notch on your bedpost?
No, that makes it sound like
I'm saying that you're sleeping with the girls.
I didn't intend that.
You're saying I'm making this more about myself
than about the girls,
that maybe I see them as me when I was younger
and I'm trying to fix my mistakes?
But they're not me, so I have to accept
that I can only save the ones who want to be saved.
Well, it wouldn't have meant as much if I'd just told you.
You had to find it.
Wow, I helped Darlene earlier, now I've straightened you out.
I'm on fire!
I smell smoke. Am I on fire?!
No.
I-It's coming from the backyard.
[ Door opens ]
What the hell?
Some guy low-balled Dad on the furniture and he snapped.
Please tell me you took the guy's wallet and rings
before you threw him in there?
This isn't a funeral pyre. It's a celebration.
Alright. Then we'll talk about the guy's life
and why he was wonderful.
I didn't kill anybody.
Yet.
This is a lot more than just a bedroom set.
When I first married your mom,
her family said I wouldn't amount to anything.
We did say that.
Yeah, you did.
In a lot of ways, I thought they might be right.
I had to prove to myself that they weren't,
so when your mom wanted this set,
I worked my ass off to get it for her --
two jobs and a year of layaway.
And when I finally brought it home,
that's when I realized I could step up
and do the things I needed to do to be a husband and a father.
I get it.
As a husband and a father,
sometimes I feel the need to burn some things, too.
I get it, too.
Yeah, not in the spine-chilling way that D.J. just described,
but that, you know, sometimes,
you gotta honor a memory like that with a ceremony.
I always thought the Vikings did it best.
Set it on fire, send it to the heavens. [ Smooches ]
And if it goes the other way, Mom gets her bedroom set back.
Oh, I like that thought.
There's something about standing around a fire with your family
at Christmastime.
It is kind of magical.
I always thought it'd be the house on fire
because of the wiring, but this is nice.
Hey, do you still have that bedroom set I saw earlier?
I'll give you two grand for it right now.
The items are no longer available.
That's too bad.
They don't make vintage stuff like that anymore.
Oh, man. I wish you'd been here an hour ago.
You don't, by any chance, need a mattress, do you?
I do.
[ Laughs ] I got one I can let you have for $500.
And I guarantee, it's totally vintage.
Come on. I just need a ride down to the vet clinic.