♪♪
Thanks for letting Bev play, guys.
I'm not sure who you're talking to.
We didn't want her.
I would have been fine at home,
but Jackie doesn't trust me there.
Mom!
I went to check the mail,
and you pulled up half the carpeting in my bedroom!
Some of these older apartments have beautiful hardwood floors.
Don't blame me because yours didn't.
Check.
Y'know, you can roll up a body in a carpet.
Just something to put in your pocket for later.
You hit bad traffic again?
Getting home later and later every night.
Yeah. I was stuck on the Dan Ryan forever.
I know we built that expressway to honor him,
but all anybody ever says is,
"I was stuck on the stupid‐ass Dan Ryan."
Did the kids get dinner?
For themselves.
They didn't make me anything.
Hey, Jackie, I think Harris lost
one of her good earrings in the couch.
Can you give me a hand looking for it?
I didn't even know Harris had any good earrings.
She doesn't. Her ears are constantly infected.
I‐I just ‐‐ I had to talk to somebody.
I'm going crazy.
Oh. Pretend we're looking through the couch.
What's wrong?
[ Whispering ] I wasn't on the expressway.
I was at David's.
Well, why would you lie to your dad about that?
You and David see each other all the time 'cause of the kids.
Yeah, I know.
But...
today, we were making out.
I can't tell my dad that I was making out with my ex
while I'm also dating Ben.
You and David? When did this start?
The last couple of months.
We just started talking about the relationship
to see if we could make it work again,
and then tonight, we stopped talking
because our tongues were in each other's mouths.
But I thought you and Ben were doing great.
We are.
But, you know, I still have feelings for David,
and if there's a chance I can put my family back together,
I have to try, right?
You have to give up Ben.
[ Scoffs ]
Why would I do that?
Ben and I are amazing together.
Oh! Oh.
It's the classic wanting of the cake
followed by the ever‐present eating of it, too.
How are ‐‐ How are you even having time for all this?
I‐I don't. I‐I'm like this close to losing it.
When I'm supposed to be with David, I'm with Ben.
When I'm supposed to be with Ben, I'm with David.
When I'm supposed to be with the kids, I'm with Ben or David.
You know...
[ Clears throat ]
...you are right on the verge
of having sex with both of them.
No. No way.
I cannot go any further with David
while I'm still seeing Ben.
I can't sleep with two guys.
I'm not that person.
Let me tell you, I've been that person,
and it can be a nightmare.
A fantastic nightmare.
Hey, guys.
‐Hey, preggy. ‐Hey, Beck.
‐Hey, Becky. ‐Hey, hey, li'l mama.
Wow, you're getting big.
Is that baby moving?
Not yet.
But she's watching the papers
for a younger uterus in a better neighborhood.
What's up?
Aunt Jackie asked me to come by
and go over a birth plan she made for me.
I was expecting a page or two.
I got the Encyclopedia Insanica.
Aunt Jackie's looking for something
to give meaning to her life.
You just happened to be in the station
when the crazy train pulled in.
[ Chuckles ]
Tag. You're it.
[ Laughs ]
I'm cashing out.
No way! I've been losing to her all night!
She wants to leave.
It's a win.
Did you read my birth plan?
I tried. It's just too much.
Can't we just go over this later?
I'm not due for two more months.
But everything in here is important.
Having soft lights and calming music
and putting the baby on your chest
so there's a surge of oxytocin and she bonds to you.
I've got a whole chapter on infant car seats.
I just don't know what all the fuss is about.
In my day, we wrapped the baby in a napkin
and took it home in our purse.
Mom!
You're confusing it
with stealing muffins from a restaurant.
Hey.
So, that's where all the glasses are.
Yesterday, I had to drink milk out of a shot glass.
Sorry. I try not to come down here.
It's like a public bathroom at the mall.
You just want to get in and out and not make eye contact.
Harris, you should be a part of this.
One day, you might have a baby.
You'll want to know this stuff.
Pass. I'm not having any kids.
And why not?
It's a different time, Nana.
You don't have to have a bunch of kids
to give your life meaning.
[ Laughs ]
Good luck getting a man with that attitude.
[ Laughs, coughs ]
Oh, crap! I think I just peed myself.
It's not stopping.
Becky, I think your water broke.
Oh, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, really, Becky, it's much too soon!
You never disappoint!
Dan! Dan!
We're heading to the hospital! Becky's water broke!
Damn. I'll drive. Let's go.
This isn't happening. I have two more months.
Harris, we don't have time.
Clean that up, would ya?
[ Door closes ]
This is why I don't come down.
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
[ Whimpering ]
The contractions are getting closer!
Why aren't they taking me in? We have to stop this.
Dad's getting a nurse. As soon as he gets one,
they're gonna give you something to stop the contractions.
And until then, we're gonna do some visualization exercises
to stay calm.
So, uh...baby doesn't want to come out.
Baby's happy where it is.
The baby is moving like crazy.
That isn't working.
Okay, well, then, we'll ‐‐ we'll just talk to the baby.
Uh, uh, sweetheart, hi.
It's your Aunt Jackie and Mommy.
And we just want you to know there's no rush.
U‐Uh, there's no money for college,
and, uh, your daddy's been deported to Mexico,
and there's alcohol addiction in your genetic background.
You're freaking the baby out.
Receptionist: Next.
Are you having chest pains, a sudden rash,
or breathing issues?
All of those, but it's not for me.
My daughter's been sitting there for 30 minutes.
Her water broke, but the baby's not due for two more months.
Have her fill this out.
We'll get to her as fast as we can.
No.
You take her in,
and I'll fill out the forms while she's in there.
I want somebody to see her now.
Forms first. Care second.
How about I wheel her back there and you try and stop me?
Orderly?
Take the geriatric pregnancy into a room, please.
"Geriatric"?
You are so lucky that I can't get up and come over there,
'cause a baby would fall out of me.
♪♪
Hey.
You didn't have to come in.
You were at the hospital all night.
I missed you.
I missed you, too.
Mm. How's Becky?
Uh, they're still waiting to see
if the medication'll stop the contractions completely.
My dad and Jackie are there.
Actually, I looked over some stuff in the waiting room.
There is a typo in the proofs.
Mm, my work doesn't have typos.
[ Chuckles ]
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Oh.
Um, could you do me a huge favor
and run down to the coffee shop
and get me another cup of coffee with agave?
And on the off chance
that Cup 'O Mud doesn't have agave,
is there another exotic plant that you'll accept?
Uh, yes, I'll take black tar heroin.
[ Chuckling ] Got it.
[ Softly ] Hey, David.
Uh, I'm at work. What's up?
Yeah, yeah. That would be really sweet.
I‐I'll come by and pick you up,
and we can both go to the hospital together.
Okay. Love you, too.
...Daddy.
I've never heard you call your dad "Daddy" before.
Yeah, I'm feeling very fragile right now.
I need my daddy. Oh.
I, uh, just forgot the wallet. I'll be right back.
Uh, you know what?
I‐I don't need another cup. I'm already vibrating.
Alright. I gotta be honest.
[ Grunts ]
I am worried about you.
You look exhausted.
Yeah, it's that stupid‐ass Dan Ryan. That's the problem.
Well, we both know what the solution is.
You move in with me.
You know those signs that say "If you lived here,
you'd be home and having sex with Ben by now"?
You'd be home and having sex with Ben by now.
I love you, you know,
but I just really can't think about this right now.
Okay. Tabled for another time.
At least let me just drive you back to the hospital,
keep you company.
U‐Uh, no. You know what?
That's so sweet,
but it's just too many people at the hospital.
When you're expecting a preemie, they give you a smaller room.
♪♪
How's Aunt Becky?
Oh, pretty much the same.
I'm just gonna grab some stuff for her
and run back to the hospital.
Okay. Want me to save you some kale salad?
Listen, let me tell you about kale.
In the old days, you'd go to the cafeteria,
and it was the green stuff
that kept the ice from touching the cottage cheese.
It's all hype!
You don't go from garnish to superfood.
I feel so stupid. I fell for it.
[ Loud knocking on door ]
Coming! Coming!
[ Knocking continues ]
Coming!
Hi. How can I help you?
I'm looking for Harris Healy's mother.
She's not home from work yet, but I'm Harris' grandfather.
What can I do for you?
Your granddaughter goes to school with my son,
and she sold him a homemade pot cookie.
Okay.
I can kind of believe she sold him pot,
but I do not believe she baked anything.
Believe it.
Kyle freaked out, and I was up all night
trying to reassure him that time wasn't standing still.
Yeah, that stuff does get on top of you.
Listen, I'm really sorry.
We would never want that to happen to any kid.
You tell her I had to take him to urgent care.
I'm out 200 bucks,
and I need it to pay for my tattoo removal.
So, my new husband
can't handle looking at my ex's face
while he's behind me.
Uh... your first husband...
liked looking at his own face?
It was a red flag I ignored, okay?
I'm really sorry. I‐I can't help you with the money.
I don't have it.
Alright, well, maybe I'll just take something
worth 200 bucks.
I'll come back when the mother's home.
Hey.
Are you Harris Healy's mother?
'Cause if you are, you owe me money.
Nope.
Well, tell her I'll be back.
I will.
You have a blessed day!
What the hell was that all about?
You got a problem.
Your daughter's selling pot cookies at school.
What?
How come when I get home,
it's never "Somebody got a scholarship"?
Where's Harris?
At the hospital.
[ Cellphone buzzes ]
Damn. What's wrong?
They couldn't stop the labor.
The baby's coming now.
[ Sighs ]
Alright, we gotta get going
before Bev wraps it in a napkin and puts it in her purse.
♪♪
[ Breathing sharply ] Okay, just one more push.
I can't! You can.
It's a preemie. It's small!
One more push.
[ Moaning ]
[ Screaming ]
Oh, my God, she's here! [ Groaning ]
[ Exhales sharply ] Doctor: Nurse.
Is she okay?
Why isn't she crying?
You did great.
Just rest for a second.
Why aren't they putting her on my chest?
This is exactly what's supposed to happen.
They're gonna take her to the NICU.
I wanna see her.
Just let them do their jobs. It's okay.
Does she look normal?
Yes! [ Chuckles nervously ]
[ Crying ] Then why can't I see her?
Because she's very small.
She can't be seen by the naked eye.
This is all my fault.
I'm too old.
I drank too much.
That's why she was born too early.
No, come on. Don't do that, Becky.
You know what ‐‐ I‐I did everything right with Harris,
and she was a preemie.
And she turned out fine.
No, she didn't!
[ Sobbing ]
♪♪
The County ER always reminds me
of that scene in "Gone With the Wind"
with all the Confederate soldiers
laying on the ground, dying.
Frankly...
I didn't care for the cursing at the end of that movie.
Okay. Baby's here.
[ Sighs ] Are Becky and the baby okay?
Becky's fine.
Uh, the baby wasn't breathing on her own,
but they put her on a ventilator, and now she's stable.
Thank God.
Can we go back there now?
Uh, Becky's pretty upset,
but she's got Jackie in there with her,
so it's gonna get worse.
Uh, you're not going anywhere.
What?
You're selling pot cookies at school?
Are ‐‐ Are you stupid?
Are we really gonna do this right here?
Yes, we are.
Kyle's mom came by. She had to take him to urgent care.
I told him "half a cookie."
[ Scoffs ]
This is not about Kyle's inability to maintain.
This is about you selling drugs.
Oh, my God.
They're gonna be selling pot
to everybody here in three months.
Nobody cares.
And it's not like I'm eating it.
Wh‐‐ Hey.
You cannot eat it, you can't sell it,
and you're underage.
And by the way, who are you getting weed from?
It's everywhere. Everybody's selling it.
Honestly, it's kind of amazing that I'm doing so well.
My hustle is putting it in cookies and adding cardamom.
It's exotic and a little unexpected.
You're actually bragging about this?
Do you realize if Kyle's mom had called the cops,
you'd be sitting in jail right now?
You know what ‐‐ you're gonna give me
all the money you made from this,
I'm taking your phone away,
and you're not leaving the house for the rest of the semester.
Oh, wow. I'm grounded.
Like you're gonna know if I'm even home.
You're never around.
[ Scoffs ]
You really think it hurts me
pointing out that I'm not a good mother?
Like water off a duck's back, baby.
♪♪
Bev?
Yes, Dan?
It's been a long day,
so please don't take this the wrong way.
But why are you here?
Everybody's gotta be somewhere.
I've had a crappy day.
Becky was afraid to see the baby.
Now she wants to, so I gotta go back to the hospital.
There's pie. I got enough for everybody.
God bless ya!
I was wondering where you were.
I'm only asking 'cause it's...
just been me and Bev here for hours.
Hours.
Did you know that when Jackie was born,
she caused my bladder to drop into my vagina?
You had to say that now, didn't you?
Oh, I'm not gonna let you ruin this for me.
No offense, Dan,
but I don't like to watch you eat.
Ohh!
[ Groans ]
You enjoying that pie, Dad? Smells great, huh?
Yep.
Love the smell of apple pie.
So, you can smell apple pie, but you can't smell
the smell of pot cookies baking in your own house?
What?
H‐How did you not know what Harris was doing?
Whoa.
You're gonna blame your kid selling drugs on me?
Yes, I am, because you're here and I'm not.
Whose fault is that? I'm working!
Are you?
'Cause you're getting home at 10:00.
I don't know if you're with Ben or what you're doing,
but you're definitely not coming straight home from work every night.
Oh, so I'm not allowed to have a personal life?
Because I remember when I was a kid,
you'd go straight from work to the Lobo Lounge,
you'd have a beer, then you'd come home
and you'd say, "There's my girls!"
DJ would start crying,
and you'd go to the garage to fix a bike.
Hey, I worked my ass off day and night
to support this family,
and I was always there when it counted.
You need to get your head in the game and raise your kids.
I already raised mine.
Oh, did you, though?
'Cause I'm pretty sure it's Mom that raised us.
No.
If we're gonna be honest, the TV did.
How's she doing?
Hi.
Uh...
Oh, every now and then,
when she's trying to move her little arms,
she punches herself in the head. [ Chuckles ]
She's definitely a Conner.
[ Laughing ] Oh, wow.
Another Conner in the world.
What we don't have in quality, we make up in volume.
Darn right we do.
Grammy Becky's here to see her baby.
Are you ready?
I think so.
Oh, my God.
She's so tiny.
Look at all the tubes.
I know it looks scary, but all those things in there
are helping her get stronger.
She's looking at me.
Yeah, of course she is. You're her mom.
I'm her mom.
Have you decided on a name yet?
You know, the name "Jacqueline" means "May God protect."
We could call her Jackie Jr. That'd be so cute, right?
Her name is Beverly Rose.
I wanted a connection with the family.
Becky, um...
I want you to know
that I will always love this baby.
But I consider it a personal attack
and a negation of my entire childhood of pain
that you have named this precious angel
after the vessel of evil that is my mother.
'Nuff said.
Come on, Deej.
Let's let these two get to know each other better.
You need anything?
No. We're fine.
Love you, sis.
Thanks.
[ Crying ] I'm so sorry.
♪♪
See? It's even better when you wait for it.
I'm gonna go get the pizza.
[ Gasps ]
[ Whispering ] What?!
Was that naked man in your bed David?
[ Whispering ] Shh! Yes!
What are you doing here?
I needed a night away from Bev.
Well, this is great. You finally made a decision.
You broke up with Ben.
Well, that sure would have made things simpler.
Wait.
You're sleeping with both of them?
I thought you weren't that kind of person.
Well, apparently I am.
I set a boundary, and I crossed it.
I'm so stupid. Why did I do that?
You gotta help me, Jackie.
Well, I ‐‐ [ Scoffs ]
If somebody took Ben off your hands,
would that help?
Stay away from him!
Okay!
Good night!
♪♪
A brand‐new Conner.
Let's learn from the mistakes of our past.
Oh, I agree.
You know what ‐‐ let's raise her to expect nothing,
so she's never disappointed.
Or we can tell her she can be whatever she wants to be.
That's a mean joke to play on a baby.
Wait.
What if we never tell her she's a Conner,
but we'll raise her like Moses ‐‐
or Tarzan!
Oh, yeah. Like Tarzan.
But instead of holding on to a vine,
she can hold on to a job.
Quick ‐‐ let's go tell Becky
before she fills out the birth certificate.
This is for when you come home.
You no Tarzan. You Conner.
♪♪