1
00:00:04,038 --> 00:00:06,040
Hey, Dad,
why'd you get a bag

2
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:07,741
of the big candy bars
for Halloween?

3
00:00:07,775 --> 00:00:09,310
I told you fun-sized.

4
00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:12,380
You and I might have
a different definition of "fun."

5
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:16,584
Louise and I lost our honeymoon
to roof repairs.

6
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:19,687
Big disappointments
require big candy.

7
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:23,791
Okay, well, enjoy the fun
of big diabetes.

8
00:00:24,992 --> 00:00:26,960
Ah, screw it,
I'll join you.

9
00:00:28,829 --> 00:00:33,067
So...how are things
at the hardware store?

10
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,002
I don't think
Ben's dating anyone,

11
00:00:35,035 --> 00:00:37,271
which is what
you're really asking about,

12
00:00:37,305 --> 00:00:40,007
but don't, because I don't
want to be in the middle.

13
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,343
No, I was asking about
the hardware store.

14
00:00:42,376 --> 00:00:44,445
But since
you brought it up,

15
00:00:44,478 --> 00:00:48,416
you could tell me if he has,
you know, sad eyes.

16
00:00:48,449 --> 00:00:50,118
I don't even know
if he has eyes.

17
00:00:50,151 --> 00:00:52,553
We're men. We don't look
in each other's eyes.

18
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,456
You've got to move on.

19
00:00:55,489 --> 00:00:57,758
I know, I know.

20
00:01:01,028 --> 00:01:02,996
See, this is why
I don't look in people's eyes.

21
00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:05,399
You look sad.

22
00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,469
You mind going in the kitchen
and doing that?

23
00:01:12,506 --> 00:01:14,608
Don't bring those sad eyes
in here.

24
00:01:14,642 --> 00:01:17,645
Sorry.
They've got to go somewhere.

25
00:01:19,380 --> 00:01:21,115
So, how's Aldo?

26
00:01:21,149 --> 00:01:23,584
He's still old,
he's still tattooed,

27
00:01:23,617 --> 00:01:25,085
and I'm still into it.

28
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:28,189
Hey, we haven't even
talked about Aldo --

29
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:30,124
who, by the way,
will be 100

30
00:01:30,158 --> 00:01:33,227
when you are in the prime
of your life at 81 --

31
00:01:33,261 --> 00:01:35,329
so how about
we grab a bite

32
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:37,731
and discuss him calmly
over lunch?

33
00:01:37,765 --> 00:01:39,533
There's nothing
to talk about.

34
00:01:39,567 --> 00:01:42,436
Come on. There's this vegan
place I really want to try.

35
00:01:42,470 --> 00:01:44,938
It's got this really cool,
Eastern Zen theme,

36
00:01:44,972 --> 00:01:46,039
and there's a bookstore

37
00:01:46,073 --> 00:01:48,409
that specializes
in spiritual wellness.

38
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:49,677
Oh, so it's kind of like

39
00:01:49,710 --> 00:01:52,580
one-stop shopping for things
I find ridiculous.

40
00:01:52,613 --> 00:01:54,081
I'm hoping to find
a book there

41
00:01:54,114 --> 00:01:55,649
about how to not beat
my children

42
00:01:55,683 --> 00:01:57,451
when they're dismissive
and insulting.

43
00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,588
You know,
I was this close to going.

44
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:02,690
Really?
No.

45
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,728
Uh-uh-uh-uh.

46
00:02:07,761 --> 00:02:09,997
I know this looks like
an abandoned house

47
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:12,600
from the outside,
but people actually live here,

48
00:02:12,633 --> 00:02:14,468
so take your nonsense
elsewhere.

49
00:02:14,502 --> 00:02:15,503
They're with me.

50
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,205
They're Aldo's kids,
Melvin and Marvin.

51
00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:19,840
Oh.
Hi, I'm -- I'm Darlene.

52
00:02:23,777 --> 00:02:25,413
[ Chuckles ]

53
00:02:28,382 --> 00:02:31,485
Okay, so this is the part
of the horror movie

54
00:02:31,519 --> 00:02:33,454
where I know
something's terribly wrong,

55
00:02:33,487 --> 00:02:35,155
but nobody else gets it.

56
00:02:35,189 --> 00:02:38,826
You know, their predatory gaze
means they like you.

57
00:02:38,859 --> 00:02:40,594
Why are you babysitting
his kids?

58
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:43,096
We don't need
a babysitter.

59
00:02:43,130 --> 00:02:45,466
We just need somebody
to say we were here.

60
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:50,438
Delightful children.

61
00:02:50,471 --> 00:02:52,440
Harris, this is crazy.

62
00:02:52,473 --> 00:02:54,542
You're too young
to be playing stepmother.

63
00:02:54,575 --> 00:02:56,076
Where is
their actual mother?

64
00:02:56,109 --> 00:02:58,178
You know what?
I'm gonna go with "hiding."

65
00:02:58,212 --> 00:02:59,480
She's not allowed
to watch them.

66
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:00,714
She's a drug addict.

67
00:03:00,748 --> 00:03:03,551
Oh, well, that's not gonna be
a problem down the line.

68
00:03:03,584 --> 00:03:05,152
Look, I don't have time
to argue.

69
00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,020
I have to go walk
them through the metal
detector at school.

70
00:03:07,054 --> 00:03:08,856
Oh, wow.

71
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,558
All the kids
have to do that now?

72
00:03:10,591 --> 00:03:11,825
No.

73
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,997
-- Captions by VITAC --

74
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:25,539
**

75
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:34,114
**

76
00:03:34,147 --> 00:03:42,623
**

77
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:48,762
**

78
00:03:51,198 --> 00:03:53,334
You guys deserve
a honeymoon.

79
00:03:53,367 --> 00:03:57,204
How would you like to go
on a photo safari of Kenya,

80
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:00,441
or travel on tall ships
in Amsterdam?

81
00:04:00,474 --> 00:04:03,176
I'm not carrying around
some one-percenter's luggage

82
00:04:03,210 --> 00:04:05,913
just so I can go someplace
I can't afford.

83
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,383
But if it's old people
looking for a caregiver couple,

84
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:12,286
I'll wipe a butt
for Amsterdam.

85
00:04:12,320 --> 00:04:13,987
You don't have to wipe
anything.

86
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:15,956
All you have to do
is sit on the couch.

87
00:04:15,989 --> 00:04:17,591
Yeah,
it's virtual reality.

88
00:04:17,625 --> 00:04:20,628
Becky borrowed it from
somebody in her study
group for the week.

89
00:04:20,661 --> 00:04:22,262
So, you just put
the goggles on,

90
00:04:22,296 --> 00:04:23,631
go anywhere you want,

91
00:04:23,664 --> 00:04:26,266
and it'll feel like
you're actually there.

92
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:28,469
I have stuff
in my medicine cabinet

93
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:31,539
that will also take me
anywhere I want.

94
00:04:31,572 --> 00:04:34,642
It's already set up for
a canoe trip down the Amazon.

95
00:04:34,675 --> 00:04:36,744
Enjoy your honeymoon.

96
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:40,348
Holy crap, Louise.
Are you seeing this?

97
00:04:40,381 --> 00:04:41,248
It's amazing.

98
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:42,916
Of course
I'm seeing it.

99
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:45,519
I'm -- I'm sitting next to you
in the boat.

100
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,287
Oh!

101
00:04:47,321 --> 00:04:48,422
Here comes a hippo!

102
00:04:48,456 --> 00:04:50,223
Whoa! Take the woman!
Take my woman!

103
00:04:50,257 --> 00:04:52,292
There's more meat
on the man!

104
00:04:52,326 --> 00:04:53,694
Take him!

105
00:04:56,430 --> 00:04:58,399
"Being Okay
Being Alone."

106
00:04:58,432 --> 00:04:59,400
I read that.

107
00:04:59,433 --> 00:05:00,734
Want some company?

108
00:05:00,768 --> 00:05:04,372
Mm, chapter four says
I don't need it.

109
00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,541
This place
is fantastic.

110
00:05:07,575 --> 00:05:10,644
I found five books
that solve problems

111
00:05:10,678 --> 00:05:12,145
I didn't even know I had.

112
00:05:12,179 --> 00:05:13,814
Really? Only five?

113
00:05:15,182 --> 00:05:17,551
Hi. I see you got
the jackfruit tacos.

114
00:05:17,585 --> 00:05:19,186
That fills my heart
with joy.

115
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:22,890
Alright, I'm gonna stop you
right now.

116
00:05:22,923 --> 00:05:25,192
This poor woman
doesn't want to be hit on

117
00:05:25,225 --> 00:05:28,195
with your weird
jackfruit pickup line.

118
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,997
She's been through
a brutal divorce,

119
00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:34,568
her teenage daughter is dating
a scary, tattooed, older guy,

120
00:05:34,602 --> 00:05:36,404
so just back off,

121
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:41,141
let her eat
whatever the hell that is,

122
00:05:41,174 --> 00:05:43,411
and find a book
that'll keep her from driving

123
00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,979
into the headlights
of a semi.

124
00:05:46,013 --> 00:05:48,115
I guess
I don't need to worry

125
00:05:48,148 --> 00:05:50,551
about him hitting on me now,
do I?

126
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,420
Wait --
Wait a second.

127
00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,687
Darlene?

128
00:05:55,423 --> 00:05:57,190
Gale?

129
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,726
From high school?

130
00:05:58,759 --> 00:06:01,495
"Pale Gale,
destined to fail"?

131
00:06:01,529 --> 00:06:04,698
Gale was a sad,
wounded child.

132
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,467
And the mocking
didn't help.

133
00:06:07,501 --> 00:06:10,370
It's okay.
It's River now.

134
00:06:10,404 --> 00:06:12,239
Oh, yeah,
that's bulletproof.

135
00:06:12,272 --> 00:06:14,775
Well, at least
you're not as pale anymore.

136
00:06:14,808 --> 00:06:18,446
My eczema cream didn't allow me
to be in the sun.

137
00:06:18,479 --> 00:06:20,313
Not all of us
were creatures of the light,

138
00:06:20,347 --> 00:06:21,815
were we, "Darklene"?

139
00:06:23,417 --> 00:06:25,285
We went through
every grade together.

140
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:27,387
I don't think we ever spoke
to each other.

141
00:06:27,421 --> 00:06:29,623
Mnh-mnh.
So, uh,
what are you doing here?

142
00:06:29,657 --> 00:06:30,958
I own the place.

143
00:06:30,991 --> 00:06:34,061
Indoor job. Good call.

144
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:36,163
Wow. I am shocked.

145
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:37,798
You didn't seem
particularly enlightened

146
00:06:37,831 --> 00:06:40,634
during the school's moment
of silence for Kurt Cobain.

147
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,903
He held a bullhorn to his ass
and yelled,

148
00:06:42,936 --> 00:06:45,439
"I got something
that smells like teen spirit!"

149
00:06:45,473 --> 00:06:48,676
I-I was desperate
for attention,

150
00:06:48,709 --> 00:06:52,580
and if we're gonna be objective,
that got a fantastic laugh.

151
00:06:52,613 --> 00:06:56,083
But while in
library detention,

152
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,151
I read a book
about the Dalai Lama,

153
00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:00,220
and I found a road
to happiness.

154
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,723
Wow. Good for you.

155
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:04,558
Yeah, I'd brag about
what I've been doing,

156
00:07:04,592 --> 00:07:06,193
but my aunt ruined that,
didn't she?

157
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,095
Well, I left out
that you're still living in

158
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:09,863
your childhood bedroom.

159
00:07:11,031 --> 00:07:12,900
No, no, you didn't.

160
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,167
Ah.

161
00:07:14,201 --> 00:07:18,405
Maybe I can find a book
that helps me stop blurting.

162
00:07:18,438 --> 00:07:19,673
I'm a blurter.

163
00:07:22,009 --> 00:07:24,444
Well,
I am really impressed,

164
00:07:24,478 --> 00:07:25,879
and, uh,
it's really cool

165
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,414
that a book turned
your life around.

166
00:07:27,447 --> 00:07:29,550
Maybe you could recommend
something for me.

167
00:07:29,583 --> 00:07:31,752
Yeah, "Time to Stop Trying
and Get Happy"

168
00:07:31,785 --> 00:07:33,554
is the name of a book
on Taoism.

169
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:35,322
It's about
the whole Eastern thing

170
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:38,158
about doing without trying.

171
00:07:38,191 --> 00:07:40,027
It can change your life.

172
00:07:40,060 --> 00:07:42,429
The author is giving
a lecture here tomorrow.

173
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,932
Oh. Well, I'll try
to make it.

174
00:07:44,965 --> 00:07:46,399
As the Tao says,

175
00:07:46,433 --> 00:07:48,802
don't try to make it
or you won't make it.

176
00:07:48,836 --> 00:07:51,171
Just make it.

177
00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:55,308
Wait. I'm not gonna have to
take my shoes off

178
00:07:55,342 --> 00:07:58,946
and dance to a guy playing
a bamboo flute at me, am I?

179
00:07:58,979 --> 00:08:01,048
No, no, of course not.

180
00:08:01,081 --> 00:08:03,150
But they are gonna
strip you naked

181
00:08:03,183 --> 00:08:05,185
and paint you
in owl's blood.

182
00:08:05,218 --> 00:08:07,020
Okay, you better
be kidding.

183
00:08:07,054 --> 00:08:08,589
Yeah, I better be.

184
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:10,090
No, really,
you better be.

185
00:08:10,123 --> 00:08:12,159
Hey, I hope so, too.

186
00:08:12,192 --> 00:08:13,226
Gale.

187
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:14,862
Okay, okay, I'm kidding.

188
00:08:14,895 --> 00:08:15,929
See you tomorrow,
River.

189
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,998
See you tomorrow,
Darklene.

190
00:08:18,031 --> 00:08:21,434
This calamari's
made out of jicama.

191
00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,336
It's so bad!

192
00:08:26,974 --> 00:08:29,109
I knew it.
Damn that Hook.

193
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:31,945
[ Scottish accent ]
He won't rest till
he gets ya, Peter.

194
00:08:31,979 --> 00:08:35,683
Oh, we had a little dust-up
during the game last night.

195
00:08:35,716 --> 00:08:39,687
It turns out an illegal capacity
of hard-drinking Bears fans

196
00:08:39,720 --> 00:08:43,691
don't like it when they get
cut off by a magical fairy.

197
00:08:44,792 --> 00:08:46,994
Somebody grabbed my left wing,
so I had to get rough.

198
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,095
You know in the cartoons,

199
00:08:48,128 --> 00:08:49,830
when you hit someone
with a frying pan,

200
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,599
their face becomes
the shape of the pan?

201
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:55,836
In real life, it's just teeth
and blood everywhere.

202
00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,871
Oh. God.
Was Beverly Rose here?

203
00:08:57,905 --> 00:08:59,707
Unfortunately,
she was.

204
00:08:59,740 --> 00:09:01,441
The whole point
of me working here

205
00:09:01,474 --> 00:09:03,577
was so
I could bring her with me.

206
00:09:03,611 --> 00:09:05,278
Crazy drunks
ruin everything.

207
00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,914
I mean,
I should know that.

208
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,749
What about Emilio
watching her?

209
00:09:08,782 --> 00:09:11,484
I hate to ask him
for anything extra.

210
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,721
Even though our marriage
is a sham,

211
00:09:13,754 --> 00:09:15,856
he's still crazy in love
with me.

212
00:09:15,889 --> 00:09:18,592
Must be awful to be close
to someone this hot

213
00:09:18,626 --> 00:09:20,460
and not be able
to have her.

214
00:09:20,493 --> 00:09:21,729
Well, who knows?

215
00:09:21,762 --> 00:09:24,698
Maybe Emilio's decided
to start going for

216
00:09:24,732 --> 00:09:26,734
less delusional women.

217
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,501
You guys don't get
how hard it is

218
00:09:28,535 --> 00:09:30,537
having someone love you
that much.

219
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:32,272
Yeah.
That's got to be tough,

220
00:09:32,305 --> 00:09:34,708
having that beautiful hunk
of spicy Latin meat

221
00:09:34,742 --> 00:09:36,677
in love with ya.
[ Chuckles ]

222
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,612
I mean,
I haven't tasted him,

223
00:09:38,646 --> 00:09:42,449
but I imagine
he tastes like that.

224
00:09:42,482 --> 00:09:44,885
You know,
there's only so long

225
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,386
I can get away with
telling people

226
00:09:52,960 --> 00:09:53,593
Look at us.
A mother and son

227
00:09:54,695 --> 00:09:56,630
spending a Saturday together
at a lecture.

228
00:09:56,664 --> 00:09:57,998
Enjoy it while you can,

229
00:09:58,031 --> 00:10:00,500
because all the books say
I'm gonna turn on you soon.

230
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,070
Well, please wait
as long as possible.

231
00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:05,138
I can only battle
one kid at a time.

232
00:10:05,172 --> 00:10:07,074
I can't believe Harris
doesn't see

233
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,176
that this guy Aldo
is just using her.

234
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:14,147
Okay, let's finish our tea
and we'll start in a second.

235
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,751
I really want to ask something,
but I don't like the idea

236
00:10:17,785 --> 00:10:20,253
of opening myself up in front
of a bunch of strangers.

237
00:10:20,287 --> 00:10:21,689
A stranger
is just a friend

238
00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,991
who hasn't laughed
at your stupid question yet.

239
00:10:26,259 --> 00:10:27,427
Uh, Joanne?

240
00:10:27,460 --> 00:10:28,896
Just a quick question.

241
00:10:28,929 --> 00:10:33,834
How can I use Taoism to become
a less negative person?

242
00:10:33,867 --> 00:10:36,269
I'm asking for my son.

243
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:37,404
And what's your name?

244
00:10:37,437 --> 00:10:40,140
My name is Darlene.

245
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,742
Very modern.

246
00:10:41,775 --> 00:10:44,344
Well, Darlene...

247
00:10:44,377 --> 00:10:47,180
negativity comes from
trying to hold onto things

248
00:10:47,214 --> 00:10:49,582
in a world
that is constantly changing.

249
00:10:49,616 --> 00:10:51,218
When you understand that,

250
00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:55,022
you'll let go and begin to flow
with Chi and not against it.

251
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,057
That's just
giving into everything.

252
00:10:57,090 --> 00:10:59,092
For example,
if there's a 19-year-old girl

253
00:10:59,126 --> 00:11:01,528
that wants to date
a 38-year-old man,

254
00:11:01,561 --> 00:11:04,297
am I just supposed to go
with the flow with that?

255
00:11:04,331 --> 00:11:06,466
Did I say that how you
whispered it to me, Darlene?

256
00:11:07,434 --> 00:11:10,137
"Giving in"
isn't weakness.

257
00:11:10,170 --> 00:11:13,273
Like in kung fu,

258
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,842
sometimes we retreat

259
00:11:14,875 --> 00:11:18,578
and then use the opponent's
momentum against them.

260
00:11:18,611 --> 00:11:21,514
We let them continue in
the direction they want to go,

261
00:11:21,548 --> 00:11:23,683
and that throws them
off balance.

262
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:26,319
Yeah,
that's really interesting.

263
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:29,089
Uh, Darlene,
did you want to ask Joanne

264
00:11:29,122 --> 00:11:30,623
how Tao
can help keep you

265
00:11:30,657 --> 00:11:32,392
from driving away
everyone you love?

266
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,127
Nope.
Darlene's good.

267
00:11:34,161 --> 00:11:35,562
Not holding onto things,

268
00:11:35,595 --> 00:11:38,732
ready to flow on out to the car
and listen to the radio.

269
00:11:39,767 --> 00:11:42,369
**

270
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:43,771
How's our honeymoon
going?

271
00:11:43,804 --> 00:11:45,238
Amazing!

272
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:47,507
I'm in the Florida Keys.
Join me.

273
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:49,542
Nah, I'm over it.

274
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,444
Oh! Ooh!
This is gonna be a big one.

275
00:11:51,478 --> 00:11:53,847
We're gonna be eating good
tonight.

276
00:11:53,881 --> 00:11:55,615
Yeah, if you'd put
that thing down,

277
00:11:55,648 --> 00:11:57,717
get off your ass,
and take me out to dinner.

278
00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:59,052
You put your goggles on,

279
00:11:59,086 --> 00:12:01,354
I'll take you to Germany
for Oktoberfest.

280
00:12:01,388 --> 00:12:04,557
Oh, my God!
Oh!

281
00:12:04,591 --> 00:12:07,527
Look at the size
of this thing!

282
00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,863
Take a picture.

283
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,231
Click.

284
00:12:11,264 --> 00:12:12,365
Got it.

285
00:12:14,802 --> 00:12:15,803
Hey, Emilio.

286
00:12:15,836 --> 00:12:17,637
I didn't know
you were still here.

287
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:19,907
Took me a while
to get Beverly Rose to sleep.

288
00:12:19,940 --> 00:12:21,508
I was reading her
the instructions

289
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,675
of my new convection oven.

290
00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,211
There's a real twist
at the end.

291
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:25,678
You can do pizza.
[ Chuckles ]

292
00:12:25,712 --> 00:12:26,947
Blew her mind.

293
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:28,248
[ Both chuckle ]

294
00:12:28,281 --> 00:12:30,750
Hey, I got to ask you
a favor.

295
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:32,719
Now that The Lunch Box
is serving alcohol,

296
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:35,055
we got to come up with
a new schedule to watch her.

297
00:12:35,789 --> 00:12:37,090
You ever heard of a joke
that starts with

298
00:12:37,124 --> 00:12:38,491
"A baby walks
into a bar"?

299
00:12:38,525 --> 00:12:40,627
No.
Well, there's a reason.

300
00:12:40,660 --> 00:12:43,530
Well, I can fill in
the gaps.

301
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,133
And when I have to work,

302
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:47,835
Gabriela can keep an eye
on her.

303
00:12:47,868 --> 00:12:48,936
She's great with kids.

304
00:12:48,969 --> 00:12:51,304
Gabriela?
Is that one of your cousins?

305
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:53,173
She's, uh...

306
00:12:53,206 --> 00:12:55,442
How do you say
in English?

307
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:59,913
I've been dating her exclusively
for three months.

308
00:13:00,780 --> 00:13:02,782
Wow.
You have a girlfriend?

309
00:13:02,816 --> 00:13:06,119
You and I agreed that we
should be dating other people.

310
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,088
I didn't tell you
about Gabriela

311
00:13:08,121 --> 00:13:10,991
because I wanted to wait
until it was a real thing.

312
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:13,994
Oh, okay.

313
00:13:14,027 --> 00:13:15,996
But I need to know
if she's responsible enough

314
00:13:16,029 --> 00:13:17,464
to watch my child.

315
00:13:17,497 --> 00:13:20,033
She has cousins
she babysits all the time.

316
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:21,601
Okay.

317
00:13:21,634 --> 00:13:25,305
Uh, follow-up question --
is she pretty?

318
00:13:26,273 --> 00:13:27,540
Why do you care?

319
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,242
Well, I'm a mother,

320
00:13:29,276 --> 00:13:31,744
and I want to keep
my baby safe,

321
00:13:31,778 --> 00:13:33,981
you know,
from ugly people.

322
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:39,853
I am only attracted to
beautiful, smart women.

323
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,356
Should you really be flirting
with your wife

324
00:13:43,390 --> 00:13:45,358
when you've got a girlfriend
at home?

325
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:50,597
**

326
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:52,866
So, this engaged couple's
getting inked.

327
00:13:52,900 --> 00:13:54,267
She's in Harris' chair

328
00:13:54,301 --> 00:13:56,769
getting a screaming
corpse bride on a bike,

329
00:13:56,803 --> 00:13:59,806
and he's in mine
getting a tattoo of Scooter,

330
00:13:59,839 --> 00:14:02,375
obviously the most epic
Muppet of all.

331
00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:06,246
And I look over
at Harris,

332
00:14:06,279 --> 00:14:08,615
and I get lost
in her eyes,

333
00:14:08,648 --> 00:14:12,619
and suddenly,
Scooter has a demon tail.

334
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:15,055
[ Laughing ] What?

335
00:14:15,088 --> 00:14:16,456
Pretty classic meet-cute.

336
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:17,724
Your eyes met,

337
00:14:17,757 --> 00:14:20,360
and you made a permanent mistake
on another human being.

338
00:14:20,393 --> 00:14:22,195
Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckles ]

339
00:14:22,229 --> 00:14:24,564
Oh, my God.
You got to try
these taquitos.

340
00:14:26,033 --> 00:14:27,901
[ Chuckles ]

341
00:14:27,935 --> 00:14:29,636
So good, huh?
Mm-hmm.

342
00:14:29,669 --> 00:14:31,204
[ Both laugh ]

343
00:14:35,408 --> 00:14:38,545
Anyway, um, I-I know that
I haven't seemed supportive

344
00:14:38,578 --> 00:14:40,047
about your relationship,

345
00:14:40,080 --> 00:14:42,449
but I'm getting into
Eastern philosophy,

346
00:14:42,482 --> 00:14:45,785
and I am trying to be more like
water and flow with things.

347
00:14:45,818 --> 00:14:48,055
Wait, not trying to be.

348
00:14:48,088 --> 00:14:50,290
I am water.

349
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:51,691
I dig that.

350
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:55,828
The whole Eastern thing's
super legit, and I'm into it.

351
00:14:55,862 --> 00:14:58,431
Aldo has a Chinese dragon tattoo
that starts on his thigh

352
00:14:58,465 --> 00:14:59,732
and it wraps around --
Yeah,
and it works its way

353
00:14:59,766 --> 00:15:02,169
all the way around
to my --
Yeah, it's okay.

354
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:04,137
I don't need to know
where the dragon goes.

355
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:07,074
So, what are you saying?

356
00:15:07,107 --> 00:15:09,276
Are you okay with us?

357
00:15:09,309 --> 00:15:10,543
I am.

358
00:15:10,577 --> 00:15:14,614
And I-I can see how much
you guys care about each other.

359
00:15:14,647 --> 00:15:16,849
Since the momentum
is going that way,

360
00:15:16,883 --> 00:15:20,153
I want you to know
that you would have my blessing

361
00:15:20,187 --> 00:15:21,854
if you wanted to
move in together.

362
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:27,827
Well, it's kind of
a giant step.

363
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,429
I'm ready.

364
00:15:29,462 --> 00:15:31,231
Are you sure?

365
00:15:31,264 --> 00:15:34,267
Uh, she said she's ready, Aldo.
Aren't you?

366
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:36,836
I-I mean,
a commitment right now

367
00:15:36,869 --> 00:15:38,371
would really tell Harris

368
00:15:38,405 --> 00:15:41,608
that your relationship
is super legit.

369
00:15:41,641 --> 00:15:44,211
Well, o-okay.

370
00:15:44,244 --> 00:15:47,147
T-To be honest...

371
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,248
you beat me to it.

372
00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:51,985
Harris, here is a key
to my place.

373
00:15:52,019 --> 00:15:54,021
Oh, my God!
That's so amazing!

374
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:55,355
Oh, man.

375
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:58,358
The boys are gonna be
so stoked.

376
00:15:58,391 --> 00:16:00,193
Man, they need
a role model,

377
00:16:00,227 --> 00:16:02,462
'cause yours truly
ain't cuttin' it.

378
00:16:02,495 --> 00:16:04,064
Ah.

379
00:16:04,097 --> 00:16:06,299
Well, what do you guys say
we all get 'faced, huh?

380
00:16:06,333 --> 00:16:07,400
Mm! Mm!

381
00:16:09,402 --> 00:16:10,403
Wow.

382
00:16:10,437 --> 00:16:12,539
I-I didn't think
you had it in you.

383
00:16:12,572 --> 00:16:14,241
Thank you so much.

384
00:16:14,274 --> 00:16:16,376
Are you honestly gonna move in
with that guy?

385
00:16:16,409 --> 00:16:18,545
You've known him for
like 10 minutes.

386
00:16:18,578 --> 00:16:20,613
You're gonna be at home
watching his kids,

387
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,982
and crackhead mom's gonna
come flying through the window

388
00:16:23,016 --> 00:16:25,352
and latch onto your leg
like a rabid weasel.

389
00:16:25,385 --> 00:16:26,353
What the hell?

390
00:16:26,386 --> 00:16:28,088
You were the one
who said to move in.

391
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,157
What's your problem?
I was tricking you.

392
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,558
I just did it badly.

393
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,027
I was hoping
that if I tried

394
00:16:34,061 --> 00:16:36,096
to convince you guys
to move in together,

395
00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:38,665
Aldo would bail, and you would
see him for who he is.

396
00:16:38,698 --> 00:16:40,700
I do see him
for who he really is --

397
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:43,170
a great guy
who wants to be with me.

398
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:44,704
And I see you
as the same

399
00:16:44,737 --> 00:16:47,207
controlling old goblin
you've always been.

400
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:48,641
Uh, you know,
you're raising children now.

401
00:16:54,481 --> 00:16:54,981
Dinner's gonna be late.

402
00:16:56,116 --> 00:16:58,185
I was shaking it
for beads at Mardi Gras

403
00:16:58,218 --> 00:17:00,019
when I remembered

404
00:17:00,053 --> 00:17:02,389
I had food cooking.

405
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:03,756
Pass.

406
00:17:03,790 --> 00:17:07,760
I have to go over to Emilio's
to pick up Beverly Rose anyway.

407
00:17:07,794 --> 00:17:09,996
How's that working out?

408
00:17:10,029 --> 00:17:11,698
Well,
I'm kind of freaked out

409
00:17:11,731 --> 00:17:13,900
about his girlfriend
watching the baby.

410
00:17:13,933 --> 00:17:15,001
I don't know why.

411
00:17:15,034 --> 00:17:17,070
I'm comfortable
leaving her here

412
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:19,306
with you backwoods
squirrel-eaters.

413
00:17:19,339 --> 00:17:21,541
You sure that's all
that's bothering you?

414
00:17:21,574 --> 00:17:24,311
Well, I've never even met
this woman.

415
00:17:24,344 --> 00:17:26,146
All I know
is that she's pretty.

416
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:28,615
Pretty, huh?

417
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:29,816
How do you feel
about that?

418
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,050
Well, I'm not jealous.

419
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,785
I didn't want to be
with him.

420
00:17:32,819 --> 00:17:34,154
Right.

421
00:17:34,187 --> 00:17:36,589
But now maybe you're afraid
you can never be with him.

422
00:17:36,623 --> 00:17:38,591
He was kinda
your backup plan.

423
00:17:38,625 --> 00:17:41,060
No, he wasn't.
Really?

424
00:17:41,094 --> 00:17:44,097
You guys share Beverly Rose,
he's a great guy,

425
00:17:44,131 --> 00:17:47,066
he's good-looking,
and you're married.

426
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:50,170
Okay,
maybe it crossed my mind

427
00:17:50,203 --> 00:17:52,972
that now that I'm not
having drunken one-night stands,

428
00:17:53,005 --> 00:17:54,907
I might be
a little pickier,

429
00:17:54,941 --> 00:17:57,544
and have trouble
finding the right guy.

430
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:00,046
Oh, crap.
I lost my backup plan.

431
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:02,715
Don't worry.

432
00:18:02,749 --> 00:18:05,385
You'll find
the right person.

433
00:18:05,418 --> 00:18:06,853
I didn't know
Louise was out there,

434
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,122
and then
there was Louise.

435
00:18:09,156 --> 00:18:11,358
And here's
more good news.

436
00:18:11,391 --> 00:18:13,560
You don't look as old
as you are.

437
00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:18,365
You still got
five, seven, three years

438
00:18:18,398 --> 00:18:20,467
before you have to settle.

439
00:18:20,500 --> 00:18:23,970
I'd rather be alone
than be with someone
I don't really love.

440
00:18:24,003 --> 00:18:25,372
Good for you.

441
00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,840
I'm a college girl.

442
00:18:27,874 --> 00:18:29,075
I'm hot.

443
00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:30,877
And as soon as I'm sober
for a year,

444
00:18:30,910 --> 00:18:32,445
I can start dating again.

445
00:18:32,479 --> 00:18:34,113
Mm.

446
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:37,750
I'd still be aggressive
with that timeframe.

447
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,886
Love ya, baby.

448
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,656
I want my money back.

449
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:48,261
I'm feeling a lot
of negative energy right here.

450
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:51,798
I did everything
the speaker said.

451
00:18:51,831 --> 00:18:53,966
I used the kung fu retreat
and momentum thing

452
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:56,336
to trick my kid into
getting rid of her boyfriend,

453
00:18:56,369 --> 00:18:57,970
and now they're
living together.

454
00:18:58,004 --> 00:19:01,608
In Taoism, when somebody tries
to push too hard,

455
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:03,343
it just leads
to frustration.

456
00:19:03,376 --> 00:19:04,411
Yeah, yeah.

457
00:19:04,444 --> 00:19:05,778
Is there anything
in this dumb store

458
00:19:05,812 --> 00:19:08,415
that I can use
to trick my kid?

459
00:19:08,448 --> 00:19:10,383
I think I have something
for you.

460
00:19:13,119 --> 00:19:15,054
It's the Tao Te Ching.

461
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:18,325
It helped me find peace
with all my relationships.

462
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:19,726
I think it could help you,
too.

463
00:19:21,594 --> 00:19:23,696
What about
some of these crystals?

464
00:19:23,730 --> 00:19:25,398
Can't I just put
a few of these in a sock

465
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:28,535
and beat Aldo until he
doesn't recognize my daughter?

466
00:19:28,568 --> 00:19:30,002
Man,
I hope you're kidding.

467
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,339
I hope so, too.

468
00:19:32,372 --> 00:19:33,906
Just use the book.

469
00:19:33,940 --> 00:19:35,608
Mm.

470
00:19:35,642 --> 00:19:37,844
I'm gonna need a bigger sock,
but okay.

471
00:19:40,647 --> 00:19:42,415
Whoa!

472
00:19:42,449 --> 00:19:46,219
I heard the women on the beaches
of Ibiza are gorgeous,

473
00:19:46,253 --> 00:19:50,457
but this redhead is beyond
anything I've ever seen.

474
00:19:50,490 --> 00:19:52,259
Oh, my God!
It's my wife!

475
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,427
I'm the luckiest man
on Earth!

476
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:57,029
I'm gonna take her
to the French Riviera.

477
00:19:58,565 --> 00:20:00,400
Alright.

478
00:20:00,433 --> 00:20:02,034
These things are starting
to freak me out.

479
00:20:02,068 --> 00:20:03,903
What is going on?

480
00:20:03,936 --> 00:20:05,272
It's nice in here.

481
00:20:05,305 --> 00:20:06,939
I want you to join me.

482
00:20:06,973 --> 00:20:08,875
In the real world,
we have a hole in the roof

483
00:20:08,908 --> 00:20:12,379
and I can't afford to take
my wife on a honeymoon.

484
00:20:12,412 --> 00:20:14,247
You deserve better.

485
00:20:14,281 --> 00:20:15,882
Well, of course I do.

486
00:20:15,915 --> 00:20:19,486
But I don't need to go
to fancy places with you.

487
00:20:19,519 --> 00:20:22,255
I have fun with you
wherever we go.

488
00:20:22,289 --> 00:20:24,624
You have fun at Costco?

489
00:20:24,657 --> 00:20:27,394
I especially like
when you change hats

490
00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,596
and keep going back
to the sample guy.

491
00:20:30,630 --> 00:20:33,199
It's a rush.

492
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:35,568
Look, if we want to have
a honeymoon,

493
00:20:35,602 --> 00:20:38,405
all we have to do
is close our eyes

494
00:20:38,438 --> 00:20:40,673
and use
our imagination.

495
00:20:40,707 --> 00:20:43,410
Let's make love
on the beach at Aruba.

496
00:20:44,210 --> 00:20:46,078
I almost smell
the ocean.

497
00:20:46,112 --> 00:20:50,583
Oh, that's that sardine I lost
in the comforter last night.

498
00:20:50,617 --> 00:20:51,851
I love you.

499
00:20:57,990 --> 00:20:58,691
[ Crowd cheering
on television ]

500
00:21:00,092 --> 00:21:02,194
How can I help
you fellas?

501
00:21:02,228 --> 00:21:03,930
Marvin:
Harris left us alone.

502
00:21:03,963 --> 00:21:06,065
You have to help us
build a chicken slingshot.

503
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:09,268
Yes. I'll help you
hurt my chickens.

504
00:21:09,302 --> 00:21:11,203
But first, you boys
have to help me dig

505
00:21:11,237 --> 00:21:14,173
two child-sized holes
in the backyard

506
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:18,311
and lay in them to make sure
I measured them correctly.

507
00:21:18,345 --> 00:21:19,579
Deal?

508
00:21:19,612 --> 00:21:24,517
[ Laughs maniacally ]