♪♪
Well, when I'm old, I'll always have these
silent lunches to look back on.
So, before I go over and help Aunt Jackie and Becky
with the baby shower, um...
I'll just do that.
I wanted to tell you guys that, um, I've been seeing someone.
Yeah, we already figured that out
because of all the recent neglect and everything.
Oh, yeah, that's my bad.
I've always tried to maintain a steady level of neglect.
But I haven't brought anybody home until now
because I didn't want you to meet anyone
unless it was serious.
Oh, so there were other guys
that you weren't serious about
that you were sleeping with and we didn't know?
No, besides Ben,
I am proud to say that I haven't slept with anyone
except your dad and one other man.
What about Neil?
Oh, and one more, yeah.
Um...wait, how did you know about Neil?
He's called a couple times on the landline
crying about how you broke up with him.
I told him you were nothing special and he should move on.
Oh. Hurtful, but helpful.
Um, so Ben is coming to dinner tomorrow night,
and I just want you guys to be cool.
Ben will never be my daddy. Never.
Is all the sex worth this?
[ Laughs ] Psych!
Ha!
Nice.
Uh...there's enough money for one of you to go to college.
Fight it out.
It's about time you came over.
Jackie wants a DJ for the baby shower,
and I think I should have a live band.
What do you think?
I think my baby shower
was a cake and a card that said "Get Well Soon,"
so quit your bitchin'.
All right, moving on. We got to hurry up here.
It's only a week till the shower.
What's the big hurry? She's not even showing yet.
I got to get the loot now. This is a geriatric pregnancy.
If I even walk fast, I could knock it loose.
It's not a tooth.
It doesn't come out if you bite into an apple.
Hola, Emilio. Can I get a water?
And I'll have an horchata with rum.
Una agua y uno "Cuban Missile Crisis."
Te escucha hablar sobre el baby shower.
No, no, English, Emilio.
We've been working hard. Let's hear it.
I'm sorry, Professor Jackie.
I would like to go to my baby shower,
but I think Becky is not wanting me there.
Oh, well, that's 'cause she doesn't know
what a good man you are.
You just come and bring a nice gift.
Something that says, "Lighten up. Half that baby's mine."
-Hi, guys. -Hey, Blue.
I love this hair. What the hell is Blue doing here?
That's Blue? She's attractive.
I guess David doesn't have a type.
Hey, Darlene.
Hey, Blue.
Um, this is my sister Becky and my aunt Jackie.
Uh, what you doing here?
Well, I heard about your sister's shower,
and I just wanted to say
that I'm part of a women's blessing-way group
where we perform ceremonies that pamper mothers-to-be.
And we would love to come.
Oh, darn, too late.
We already locked down the theme,
which is teddy bears and teacups.
And the shower color is SpongeBob yellow.
So there's nothing left to do.
Yeah, a-and it's just gonna be Becky's friends and family.
Very small group. People who have been invited.
You understand.
Hold on. Do these people bring gifts?
Of course. Store-bought gifts?
Or just a rock with the word "Peace" painted on it?
Store-bought, with gift receipts so you can get the cash.
Move over, Darlene.
Move!
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Ben is nothing short of a visionary.
I mean, publishing an indie tabloid
like Lock 'Em Up in King County,
a financially long-suffering community
that loves to see others fail?
Please.
What I like to see is some hot-shot from the mayor's office
get caught doing something sketchy in the park.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Back when I was on the force, I'd be the bait.
Um...
But my -- my biggest collar was Kit & Kat...
...Lanford's legendary married real-estate team.
They'd do anything to sell you a house.
They'd also do anything to get some strange
to spice up their sick marriage.
Aunt Jackie, they're kids.
I left out that they were murdered in prison.
Um, I got to go meet Peter,
but it was very nice meeting you, Ben.
Yes.
[ Door opens, closes ]
You got a crazy aunt in your family?
[ Chuckles ] Well, I was gonna say, "Yeah."
But now that I saw that, I'm just gonna call her my aunt.
[ Laughs ]
Uh, just so you know, we're not always this fun and exciting.
Kids, tell him about your day.
Well, my music teacher said that I have perfect pitch
and, if I learn to play an instrument,
she'll put me in the school orchestra next year.
Oh.
Can I learn piano?
Piano lessons cost a lot of money.
But hey, nobody's using that harmonica
we found on the bus. [ Tab pops ]
On the bus?
I thought it tasted like tobacco.
Well, Ben, don't you play piano?
I do, and I have a portable keyboard.
I'd be happy to come over and teach Mark.
No charge, but you got to be willing
to work hard and practice.
Absolutely. Is it okay with you, Mom?
Sure. I mean, normally,
I'd be uncomfortable with somebody doing this for free,
but my boss doesn't pay me squat, so thank you.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
So? What did you think of Ben?
He's got a great job,
a sense of humor, one hell of a beard,
and the kids seem to like him.
But I guess you'll know more after the piano lesson, huh?
What are you talking about?
I think an opportunity to test him
fell right in your lap and you're taking it.
No, I'm just gonna watch how Ben and Mark interact,
and then act accordingly based on the result.
So if you want to call that a test, well, okay,
'cause that's exactly what it is.
I-I know you want to see what kind of a stepdad he might be,
but why don't you just tell him that
instead of treating him like a lab rat?
Because then he'll just treat the kids nicely.
Nobody wants that.
♪♪
This isn't a real baby shower.
We should be microwaving candy bars into diapers
so people can sniff 'em and guess what's inside.
I've had enough of this.
Okay, ladies, it is time to play a super-fun,
more-traditional baby-shower game called...
"Tinkle in the Pot"!
We'll get it going like this. Here's my nickel.
And we got to get to the pot.
How much fun is that? [ Applause ]
Who's next?
Or we could empower Becky
by sharing beautiful birth experiences.
Darlene?
Oh. Sure.
Um...well, they knocked me out,
and I woke up with a kid and a 12-inch scar.
And then, the crazy thing is, five years later I did it again.
You're lucky, Darlene.
Some women never get to experience
the gift of having a child,
because they have partners who already have kids
and refuse [voice breaking] to consider having more.
Sorry. [ Sniffles ]
[ Whimpers ]
That's strange.
I thought it was gonna be really noisy when I took these off.
[ Blue sniffles, sighs ]
You okay?
David doesn't want to have any more children.
And I'm pretty sure it's because
he thinks you'll be mad if he raises another family with me.
Can you just tell him you're okay with it?
[ Scoffs ] Wait, you want me to tell David
to have another set of kids that'll take more attention
away from my kids?
That would be great, thank you.
You know there's no way I'm gonna do that.
I took the bus here. Can you give me a ride home?
Uh, buses don't go both ways?
All right.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
[ Cheering ]
Geena, you're up.
No, let me think.
Do I really want to humiliate myself
for the chance to win a Bath & Body Works
country-apple shower gel?
Hell yeah, I will. [ Laughs ]
Hey, everybody, the strippers are here!
[ Cheering ]
Jackie: Hey, it's Emilio.
I hope you don't mind, but he just really wanted to be here.
I made this for the baby. [ Gasps ]
My papá made me one just like this
when I was little, with wood from a very, very old tree.
Uh, this wood comes from Lowe's.
Lowe's. That's good wood.
Thank you, Emilio. I appreciate it.
So...I guess I'll see you at work tomorrow.
Oh. Uh...okay.
E-Enjoy your party.
Can I talk to you for a second?
I can't believe you just did that.
I can't believe you invited him.
You knew I didn't want him involved.
Uh, well, I'm sorry, but he's the father and he's a great guy.
Wait a minute. That's the baby's father?
We are not talking about this, Dad.
[ Exhales sharply ] Thanks a lot.
Mm.
Hey, I've seen him in here before.
He's the busboy, right? Yeah.
What do you know about him?
Well, I know that he's hardworking,
he's a devout Catholic,
and he's offered to give Becky what little money that he has.
Is he here illegally?
Well, who cares if he's illegal? Who cares if he's a busboy?
A lot of people with difficult beginnings
have risen above their station in life, Dan.
I mean, nobody in our family,
but I've read about it, and it's pretty inspirational
when it happens!
All right, come on. Let's hear your D-major scale.
[ Plays choppy scale ]
Uh, did you practice that at all?
A little, but I got bored. I wanted to learn a song.
Come on, Mark. Now, this is two weeks in a row
I have asked you to learn your scales.
If I wanted you to do songs, I would have said do songs.
Now let me hear the scale again.
Okay, I think I can do better.
[ Clears throat ]
[ Plays choppy scale ]
Mm-hmm. Not better.
Okay, but can you do this?
[ Plays "The Knuckle Song" ]
Stop.
Look, when I said I'd do this,
you promised you'd work hard and practice,
and you haven't done either.
Now, you said you wanted to be in the school orchestra.
Well, do you or don't you? I do.
Well, I can't tell.
So if you are really serious about this,
start acting like it, because if you don't take it serious,
you're never gonna make it.
[ Horn honks ]
[ Voice breaking ] Enrique's mom is early.
I have to go to soccer practice. [ Sighs ]
Do you want me to tell her I'm sick?
No, go to practice.
Today was a waste of time for both of us.
[ Sniffles ]
You okay, honey?
You have everything you need for soccer practice?
I'm fine. I got to go.
Ugh.
W-What were you doing?
You were way too hard on him.
Wait. [ Imitates blades whirring ]
Do I hear the faint whir of a helicopter circling your child?
I am not being overprotective. You made my son cry.
I am sorry that he cried,
but he needed to hear that he screwed up.
How else does a kid learn?
Oh, I don't know.
Uh, encouragement, positive role models.
Cash, if you're tired.
Mark's a sensitive kid.
He responds better to being rewarded. [ Sighs ]
Yeah, well, the problem with rewarding everything
is it's the same as rewarding nothing.
You want me to give him a trophy for playing "The Knuckle Song"?
Uh, no, but I didn't expect you to be the "Whiplash" guy.
Look, coddling Mark
is not gonna prepare him for the real world.
I think I'm preparing him just fine. How?
By teaching him that he can half-ass things
and still succeed in life?
Hey, Mark is not a half-asser! That's Harris!
And you know what? You're fired.
[ Scoffs ]
It's gonna take me 10 minutes to break all this stuff down.
It might be a little awkward unless you help.
That's another way to go.
Emilio, right?
Yes. And you're Becky's papá.
Uh, she does not want me in the life of the baby
and you are here to fight me and drive me away.
I'm not here to fight.
Oh, good, good.
You have the face of a kind but violent man.
Jackie tells me you want to help with the baby.
Yes.
What kind of work can you do?
Oh, I-I can build cars, make furniture,
work in a factory.
Sadly, all those jobs went to Mexico.
You ever hang drywall?
Of course. Any estúpido could hang drywall.
Well, that's about as good as an interview gets.
How would you like a second job hanging drywall for me?
Really? Yes.
I...I accept.
Oh, and also, por favor, uh, my speaking is not so good.
In Spanish, "estúpido" means "a smart and respected man."
Look, I got to be honest with you.
I don't like the way you got here.
You broke the law
and you could be putting me in a bad situation,
but I want to help my daughter, so I have to help you.
I understand.
I expect you to give a good portion
out of your paycheck to Becky and the baby.
Yes, yes, of course.
Okay. [ Muttering ]
Here's the address.
And I will see you tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m.
I will be there. Okay.
Oh, and for the record,
if we were gonna fight, I'd mop the floor with you.
[ Piano notes playing ]
Hey.
How was soccer practice?
Okay.
Listen, um...
I know what happened with Ben this afternoon,
and I don't want you to worry.
I canceled the piano lessons.
What? Why would you do that? Huh?
I had a "You're welcome" all loaded up and ready to go.
I don't want to stop the lessons.
Call Ben and get him back.
But he made you cry.
No, he didn't.
I cried because I was mad at myself.
He's trying to help me get into the orchestra
and I didn't practice my scales.
Yeah, but you taught yourself a song.
That's pretty great.
You think everything I do is great.
So when you say it, it doesn't mean anything.
Oh, well, if you'll remember that for Mother's Day,
I'd like to see that in glitter.
You got to call him back.
Um, how about you call him
and tell him you want to continue the lessons
even though your mom was mostly right
and made a lot of intelligent points?
Do the hard work, Mom. It's the only way you learn.
Uh, you say I'm never critical? That was lame.
That's a lie. It was very insightful.
It was great, like everything you do.
Dan!
Oh, what now?
[ Laughs ] You big softy.
I know you're taking a big risk with the union
by hiring Emilio, but I just want to tell you
I think that you're the best!
When the microwave dings,
that's not only my popcorn but the end of your time.
You might want to pick up the pace. Okay.
So, isn't Emilio wonderful?
Of course, I was the first person to see that in him,
but now, while you -- [ Microwave dings ]
And that's all the time we have for today!
Tune in tomorrow when Dan changes the locks.
What is wrong with you people?!
It's bad enough that Aunt Jackie invited Emilio to the party.
Now you're giving him a job?
I gave him a job so he could give you money,
and...I see your point about Aunt Jackie.
I told both of you to stop doing this.
Why are you pushing him into my life?
Because you're being stubborn and stupid.
I'm sorry. I'm a life coach.
You're being...overly rooted and intelligent adjacent.
What is your problem?
You know what my problem is? I've been doing fine.
So why should I start depending on somebody
who might not be here when I need him?
Look, nobody knows the future.
He could get deported tomorrow.
He could be around for another 20 years.
All I'm saying is, the guy is here now.
And he's the real deal. Take the help.
Of all the guys that have, you know,
frolicked in your garden...
...you accidently met one
who's willing to stand by and raise a flower with you.
I'll think about it, okay? Thank you.
And by the way, from what Mom told me,
your garden didn't exactly have a fence around it.
Oh!
♪♪
Um...
Mark wants more piano lessons from you.
I think that's all we need to say about that.
Let's get to work.
[ Laughing ] Oh, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, there is so much more to say.
I'm -- I'm interested in hearing how Mark
was able to communicate his wishes to you
through his uncontrollable sobbing.
Um, okay, fine.
So he's tougher than I thought he was.
But you were way too mean.
Mark's great, and I think he could
really benefit from having somebody in his life
that holds him a little bit more accountable than you do.
Well, that's debatable.
But either way, when push comes to shove,
I have the final say because I'm his mother.
Well, unless you're wrong.
No, I'm pretty positive I'm the mother.
The point is, I passed your little test, didn't I?
Oh, I guess that code wasn't as hard to crack
as I thought it was. [ Chuckles ]
Well, good. [ Clears throat ]
Because something big has come up.
I got an investor that wants me to relocate
Lock 'Em Up to Chicago.
Oh, wow, that's like an hour from here. Mm-hmm.
I mean, driving away from Lanford sounds really good,
but the drive back's gonna be pretty depressing.
Hmm.
You know, I've got a way you could cut down on the commute.
You and the kids could move in with me.
Wait a second. Um....
I don't know if I heard you right.
Are you asking me to move in with you?
No, but it's a great idea. What do you say?
I say that sounds amazing.
Yeah. I know it's a lot.
It's just that, even though we work together all day,
it feels like I never have enough time with you.
Yeah, I-I mean, I feel the same way.
I-I've just got to talk to my family and my kids. Yes.
Take your time, you know.
But not too much time because, you know, at your age --
Careful. All right.
Hang on. You didn't let me finish.
All I was gonna say is, at your age,
you don't have a lot of options.
Now, are you ready to move in?
I'm close. If you can just call me
"plain" and "sturdy," I think that'll seal the deal.
♪♪
Look, I know I've been a little hard on you,
and I'm sorry.
I get that you want to be part of the baby's life,
so...maybe we can start with tiny steps.
Yes. This is very wonderful news.
How about you give me your top-four baby names?
Okay...if it's a girl,
Maria...Esmeralda... Conchita...Esperanza.
Okay. I'll consider those.
No, that's just the first one.