1 00:00:01,750 --> 00:00:03,380 ♪♪ 2 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,670 Hey, D.J. What are you doing here? 3 00:00:06,670 --> 00:00:08,620 Geena sent me over 'cause she doesn't want 4 00:00:08,620 --> 00:00:10,170 her or Mary to get sick. 5 00:00:10,170 --> 00:00:12,880 I guess she figured whatever germs are living in this couch 6 00:00:12,880 --> 00:00:15,080 would kill the intruders. 7 00:00:15,080 --> 00:00:16,920 You're in luck, Deej. 8 00:00:16,920 --> 00:00:19,330 The unlabeled can that was in the pantry since we were kids? 9 00:00:19,330 --> 00:00:20,290 Chicken soup. 10 00:00:22,500 --> 00:00:23,880 Tastes okay. 11 00:00:23,880 --> 00:00:26,000 Yeah, I figured. The can was barely swollen. 12 00:00:27,960 --> 00:00:29,290 -Hey. -Hey. 13 00:00:29,290 --> 00:00:30,710 Oh, don't go near D.J. 14 00:00:30,710 --> 00:00:32,830 He's sick, and I've used up all my nurturing on him, 15 00:00:32,830 --> 00:00:35,420 so if you guys get sick, I'm just gonna yell at you. 16 00:00:35,420 --> 00:00:38,120 Sorry, Uncle D.J. I can't get sick, anyway. 17 00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:39,710 I have a test tomorrow. 18 00:00:39,710 --> 00:00:41,120 I do, too, 19 00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:43,580 so if you want to cough on my scarf, please do. 20 00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:44,880 [ D.J. coughs ] 21 00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:46,080 Thank you. 22 00:00:47,170 --> 00:00:50,250 So...where's Dan? 23 00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:51,830 Mom wants some shelves put in 24 00:00:51,830 --> 00:00:53,790 above her bed for her bowling trophies. 25 00:00:53,790 --> 00:00:55,210 Why can't you do it? 26 00:00:55,210 --> 00:00:58,080 'Cause if it falls, I'm the one with the obvious motive. 27 00:00:59,880 --> 00:01:02,420 Dad's covering my vending-machine route today. 28 00:01:02,420 --> 00:01:04,420 I hope he can handle it. It's a very complicated job. 29 00:01:04,420 --> 00:01:05,880 [ Laughs ] 30 00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,040 [ Laughing ] Isn't it just like you open a glass door, 31 00:01:08,040 --> 00:01:09,750 and you replace the chips and the candy? 32 00:01:11,330 --> 00:01:14,080 Yeah, and space travel is just lighting a rocket 33 00:01:14,080 --> 00:01:15,120 and landing on the moon. 34 00:01:15,120 --> 00:01:16,580 [ Doorbell rings ] 35 00:01:16,580 --> 00:01:18,460 Did you just equate space travel 36 00:01:18,460 --> 00:01:20,000 with servicing a vending machine? 37 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:23,960 [ Laughs ] 38 00:01:23,960 --> 00:01:25,920 Oh, Dan. My God. 39 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:27,290 What happened? 40 00:01:27,290 --> 00:01:28,750 A vending machine fell over on me. 41 00:01:28,750 --> 00:01:30,170 [ Gasps ] 42 00:01:30,170 --> 00:01:32,540 I knew it. Are you okay? 43 00:01:32,540 --> 00:01:35,750 Again, a vending machine fell on me. 44 00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:37,580 How? They're bolted to the wall. 45 00:01:37,580 --> 00:01:39,330 This one wasn't. 46 00:01:39,330 --> 00:01:41,120 -Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm sure! 47 00:01:41,120 --> 00:01:42,330 I had plenty of time to stare at the wall 48 00:01:42,330 --> 00:01:43,540 while it was crushing me. 49 00:01:44,920 --> 00:01:46,960 Well, how bad is it? 50 00:01:46,960 --> 00:01:49,880 I had to spend four hours in the emergency. 51 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,620 Nobody has insurance now, 52 00:01:51,620 --> 00:01:54,000 so they use it like a doctor's office. 53 00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:55,620 It's a no-win situation 54 00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:57,210 because the emergency has to take you, 55 00:01:57,210 --> 00:01:58,460 but it costs a fortune. 56 00:01:58,460 --> 00:02:02,330 Oh, I don't know. It was only $6,000. 57 00:02:02,330 --> 00:02:05,500 If I'd have had my other pants on, I'd have paid it right then. 58 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:08,080 $6,000? 59 00:02:08,080 --> 00:02:10,250 I thought Medicare covered like 80%. 60 00:02:10,250 --> 00:02:12,580 They did, but they made me take an MRI, 61 00:02:12,580 --> 00:02:15,210 a blood test, an I.V., 62 00:02:15,210 --> 00:02:17,960 a bone guy, a brain guy. 63 00:02:17,960 --> 00:02:20,170 That's the co-pay. 64 00:02:20,170 --> 00:02:22,750 We can't afford this, and it's the company's fault. 65 00:02:22,750 --> 00:02:25,750 You know what? They better pay or we're gonna have to sue. 66 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:28,250 Wait. Uh, you can't sue the company I work for. 67 00:02:28,250 --> 00:02:30,670 Eat your old soup and be quiet. 68 00:02:30,670 --> 00:02:33,540 Relax, Deej. I'm not suing anybody. 69 00:02:33,540 --> 00:02:35,540 I'm sure the company will cover my expenses. 70 00:02:35,540 --> 00:02:38,120 Oh, don't be naive, Dan. 71 00:02:38,120 --> 00:02:39,500 Those vending-machine companies -- 72 00:02:39,500 --> 00:02:41,380 they'll nickle and dime ya. 73 00:02:41,380 --> 00:02:43,290 [ Laughing ] Hey, hey! 74 00:02:43,290 --> 00:02:45,620 [ Laughs ] 75 00:02:45,620 --> 00:02:47,710 I didn't even mean to do that. 76 00:02:52,420 --> 00:03:00,790 ♪♪ 77 00:03:00,790 --> 00:03:09,290 ♪♪ 78 00:03:09,290 --> 00:03:17,580 ♪♪ 79 00:03:17,580 --> 00:03:26,080 ♪♪ 80 00:03:26,080 --> 00:03:27,380 "The Conners" is recorded 81 00:03:27,380 --> 00:03:29,330 in front of a live studio audience. 82 00:03:29,330 --> 00:03:31,380 Hey, check out my updated website. 83 00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:34,080 I'm using icons to subliminally suggest 84 00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:35,920 that people use my services. 85 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:38,210 So, you see, the drum majorette and the sun? 86 00:03:38,210 --> 00:03:40,170 That implies I can lead you to a life 87 00:03:40,170 --> 00:03:43,250 where nobody rains on your parade! 88 00:03:43,250 --> 00:03:44,580 [ Laughs ] 89 00:03:44,580 --> 00:03:46,330 Yeah, yeah. That's a huge stretch. 90 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:49,500 You want to hear about my day? 91 00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:52,500 I don't care. I do. 92 00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,040 The owner told me I have to stop 93 00:03:54,040 --> 00:03:55,580 flirting with the other employees. 94 00:03:55,580 --> 00:03:58,000 Well, to be fair, you did have sex with two of them. 95 00:03:59,960 --> 00:04:01,790 Yeah, he lead with that. 96 00:04:01,790 --> 00:04:04,330 Did he single you out? 97 00:04:04,330 --> 00:04:07,250 No. He told everyone there's gonna be zero tolerance 98 00:04:07,250 --> 00:04:09,580 for fraternizing amongst the employees, 99 00:04:09,580 --> 00:04:12,420 and he's making us all take boundary-awareness training. 100 00:04:12,420 --> 00:04:14,960 Well, that's not the worst thing for you. 101 00:04:14,960 --> 00:04:17,290 It's stupid. 102 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:19,250 Work is where most people meet. 103 00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:20,830 And meeting people at work is perfect 104 00:04:20,830 --> 00:04:22,330 because you know they have jobs. 105 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:27,120 Um, let me talk to you not as your Aunt Jackie, 106 00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:30,460 but as Lanford's leading certified life coach. 107 00:04:30,460 --> 00:04:33,920 Um, maybe you're flirting too much in general. 108 00:04:33,920 --> 00:04:35,880 For instance, the guy at the Rite Aid. 109 00:04:35,880 --> 00:04:37,120 Paul? 110 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:39,460 It's just a little game we play. 111 00:04:39,460 --> 00:04:41,460 He asked you to marry him, 112 00:04:41,460 --> 00:04:43,000 and you haven't said no yet. 113 00:04:44,750 --> 00:04:45,750 That's the game. 114 00:04:47,290 --> 00:04:48,960 Okay, well, at least let me help you 115 00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,710 get your boundary-awareness certificate. 116 00:04:50,710 --> 00:04:53,040 I'm fully accredited. See? 117 00:04:53,040 --> 00:04:55,290 A wise, old owl is saying it. 118 00:04:59,210 --> 00:05:00,500 I'm sorry to hear you hurt yourself, Mr. Conner. 119 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,250 -Please call me Dan. -Okay, Dan. 120 00:05:02,250 --> 00:05:05,170 Um, before we start, how about a snack? 121 00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:06,960 Huh? "Snack time's all the time." 122 00:05:06,960 --> 00:05:08,210 That's our slogan. 123 00:05:09,500 --> 00:05:11,580 Oh. I thought it'd be something more like, 124 00:05:11,580 --> 00:05:13,170 "We crush you with our vending machines." 125 00:05:15,380 --> 00:05:18,210 Anyway, we have cheese puffs, mini pretzels, 126 00:05:18,210 --> 00:05:19,960 and we have cheese and crackers. 127 00:05:19,960 --> 00:05:21,250 You know that little, red, plastic paddle 128 00:05:21,250 --> 00:05:23,170 in the cheese-and-cracker packet? 129 00:05:23,170 --> 00:05:25,080 That was us. 130 00:05:25,080 --> 00:05:27,880 I don't want to take up a lot of your time. 131 00:05:27,880 --> 00:05:30,330 I'm just asking to get my medical bills covered 132 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:33,460 because your machine should have been bolted to that wall, 133 00:05:33,460 --> 00:05:36,920 and I'll take some cheese puffs for later. 134 00:05:36,920 --> 00:05:38,330 Well, it's not that simple. 135 00:05:38,330 --> 00:05:40,380 See, first of all, you're not an authorized technician. 136 00:05:40,380 --> 00:05:41,960 This, uh, never would have happened 137 00:05:41,960 --> 00:05:43,170 had you been trained for the job. 138 00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:44,580 It fell on him. 139 00:05:44,580 --> 00:05:46,250 Are you saying if my dad was trained 140 00:05:46,250 --> 00:05:49,330 that gravity would have behaved differently? 141 00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:51,000 My company has a heart, 142 00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:52,960 and I have been authorized to... 143 00:05:52,960 --> 00:05:54,420 offer to pay half your medical bills. 144 00:05:54,420 --> 00:05:56,670 Half? Are you kidding me? 145 00:05:56,670 --> 00:05:58,790 Relax, Darlene. We've just started talking about this. 146 00:05:58,790 --> 00:06:01,620 No, they're trying to screw us. I knew they would do this. 147 00:06:01,620 --> 00:06:03,920 I guess we're just gonna have to get ourselves a lawyer. 148 00:06:03,920 --> 00:06:05,460 How do you like our new business, Dad? 149 00:06:05,460 --> 00:06:07,250 Of course, we're gonna have to get rid of Old Man Grayson. 150 00:06:07,250 --> 00:06:08,670 [ Exhales deeply ] 151 00:06:08,670 --> 00:06:10,670 Okay, we're done. 152 00:06:10,670 --> 00:06:13,330 Once you say "lawyer," I'm no longer allowed to talk to you. 153 00:06:13,330 --> 00:06:15,540 Oh, I'd like to take this opportunity 154 00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,040 to dismiss my counsel. 155 00:06:17,040 --> 00:06:18,170 I'll be representing myself. 156 00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:21,040 You're selling out your daughter? 157 00:06:21,040 --> 00:06:22,170 And how. 158 00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,330 Oh, I like that. 159 00:06:26,330 --> 00:06:28,580 But, no, we can't keep talking. 160 00:06:28,580 --> 00:06:30,290 They'll validate your parking at the front desk. 161 00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:32,620 Fine, but just so you know, 162 00:06:32,620 --> 00:06:34,210 your red, plastic paddle is dumb. 163 00:06:34,210 --> 00:06:36,000 You've got to make the cheese softer or the paddle harder. 164 00:06:36,000 --> 00:06:37,040 Jerk. 165 00:06:37,040 --> 00:06:39,120 ♪♪ 166 00:06:43,620 --> 00:06:46,670 I can't believe those phones are more interesting than I am. 167 00:06:49,170 --> 00:06:51,790 Sorry about that. We were being rude. 168 00:06:51,790 --> 00:06:53,830 Don't take this the wrong way, but you're way too hot 169 00:06:53,830 --> 00:06:56,170 to be working in a place like this. 170 00:06:56,170 --> 00:06:58,620 You're gonna let him leave you in the dust like that? 171 00:07:00,580 --> 00:07:02,290 I figured you knew you were hot, so I didn't have to say anything. 172 00:07:03,540 --> 00:07:05,120 Good job. 173 00:07:06,750 --> 00:07:09,000 I'll get your waitress for you. This isn't my section. 174 00:07:12,250 --> 00:07:14,670 Hey, hey. Can I talk to you for a second? 175 00:07:14,670 --> 00:07:16,380 Sure. Have you seen this? 176 00:07:16,380 --> 00:07:19,210 That's your picture on my rival's website, 177 00:07:19,210 --> 00:07:20,420 Rita Silver. 178 00:07:20,420 --> 00:07:22,960 How could you go to her for your certificate? 179 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,080 Look what she wrote -- "I am now coaching 180 00:07:25,080 --> 00:07:27,120 the niece of Jackie Harris, 181 00:07:27,120 --> 00:07:29,620 Lanford's number-two life coach." 182 00:07:32,250 --> 00:07:34,080 Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. 183 00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,710 I didn't know whether you were a life coach or not. 184 00:07:36,710 --> 00:07:38,620 I've never seen you with a client. 185 00:07:38,620 --> 00:07:40,710 Of course I have clients! 186 00:07:40,710 --> 00:07:44,040 You don't see them because I fix their lives so quick! 187 00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:46,540 We-- 188 00:07:46,540 --> 00:07:49,500 And Rita Silver is a certificate mill, 189 00:07:49,500 --> 00:07:51,920 and if you'd come to me, you'd have your certificate 190 00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,750 and a little bit of knowledge about what's going on in there! 191 00:07:56,290 --> 00:07:58,670 Sorry, but I think this whole thing is bogus, 192 00:07:58,670 --> 00:08:01,290 so why not just go to somebody who's gonna rubber-stamp it? 193 00:08:01,290 --> 00:08:03,170 I have enough to deal with right now. 194 00:08:03,170 --> 00:08:04,620 All right. I'll let it go. 195 00:08:04,620 --> 00:08:07,960 But [sniffs] after what Rita said, 196 00:08:07,960 --> 00:08:10,420 I might have to put a little something on my website 197 00:08:10,420 --> 00:08:12,120 that destroys your reputation. 198 00:08:15,380 --> 00:08:17,580 ♪♪ 199 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,960 Okay. We just did 10 minutes of physical activity. 200 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:21,670 Can we have our game controllers back? 201 00:08:21,670 --> 00:08:23,670 Uh, I said 30 minutes. 202 00:08:23,670 --> 00:08:26,170 It's 10 below zero. The ball almost shattered. 203 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,330 Back in my day, we called that shatterball, 204 00:08:30,330 --> 00:08:31,620 and we loved it. 205 00:08:33,500 --> 00:08:36,120 [ Receiver slams ] That was the ambulance company. 206 00:08:36,120 --> 00:08:39,670 I just went two blocks for $800. 207 00:08:39,670 --> 00:08:41,750 You want to meet with them and get it up to an even thousand? 208 00:08:43,120 --> 00:08:45,330 I-I told you I'd handle the bills. 209 00:08:45,330 --> 00:08:47,580 Like you handled the guy at the vending-machine company? 210 00:08:47,580 --> 00:08:49,000 We were negotiating. 211 00:08:49,000 --> 00:08:50,210 We need somebody to fight for us, 212 00:08:50,210 --> 00:08:51,790 which is why I called a lawyer, 213 00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:54,120 and he should be here any minute, and you're welcome. 214 00:08:54,120 --> 00:08:56,290 [ Growling ] I don't want a lawyer! 215 00:08:57,920 --> 00:08:59,830 [ Normal voice ] I'll go back and talk to the guy alone. 216 00:08:59,830 --> 00:09:02,080 Oh, and do what? 217 00:09:02,080 --> 00:09:05,290 Get five bucks more and a packet of mini pretzels? 218 00:09:05,290 --> 00:09:08,710 Just hear this guy out. He's obviously very successful. 219 00:09:08,710 --> 00:09:11,500 I saw his commercial on a screen at the gas pump. 220 00:09:11,500 --> 00:09:15,210 Oh, well, if the gas station recommends him... 221 00:09:16,960 --> 00:09:18,960 Why are you pushing this so hard? 222 00:09:18,960 --> 00:09:22,040 Because we were already up against it, 223 00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:24,000 and if you can't work for a long time, it'll break us. 224 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:25,790 We don't have any savings. 225 00:09:25,790 --> 00:09:28,420 If you're worried about me, I can take care of myself. 226 00:09:28,420 --> 00:09:30,000 Well, what if you can't? 227 00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,670 I mean, there's barely any good-paying jobs out there. 228 00:09:32,670 --> 00:09:35,170 My kids might be living with us until their 20s, 229 00:09:35,170 --> 00:09:36,670 and if you're not working, 230 00:09:36,670 --> 00:09:38,620 I don't know how I'm gonna take care of everybody. 231 00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:40,540 I will not be a burden. 232 00:09:40,540 --> 00:09:42,420 I'll sell my organs to science... 233 00:09:43,580 --> 00:09:45,460 ...slowly. 234 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,670 [ Doorbell rings ] Just play nice. 235 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:50,040 Don't attack him. -I'll try, 236 00:09:50,040 --> 00:09:52,080 but there's a reason there's never been a lawyer in this house. 237 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:54,170 Or a teacher or a senator 238 00:09:54,170 --> 00:09:55,540 or anyone with a master's degree. 239 00:09:55,540 --> 00:09:56,540 Let's see what happens. 240 00:09:57,880 --> 00:09:59,500 Darlene? Brian Foster. 241 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,540 Oh, thank you so much for coming. 242 00:10:01,540 --> 00:10:03,330 This is my dad, Dan Conner. 243 00:10:03,330 --> 00:10:04,960 Nice to meet you, Mr. Conner. Hey. 244 00:10:04,960 --> 00:10:06,620 Sorry. I got a bad wing. 245 00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:09,380 Also I think all lawyers should be thrown into the sea. 246 00:10:09,380 --> 00:10:10,460 [ Chuckles ] 247 00:10:10,460 --> 00:10:12,670 He was very pleasant before the injury. 248 00:10:12,670 --> 00:10:13,830 We should be compensated for that. 249 00:10:15,120 --> 00:10:17,080 Look, I'm sure you must be worrying 250 00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:18,380 not just about the injury, 251 00:10:18,380 --> 00:10:20,250 but how you're gonna pay those bills. 252 00:10:20,250 --> 00:10:21,710 That's what I'm here for. 253 00:10:21,710 --> 00:10:25,460 I am really gonna fight for you to get a fair shake. 254 00:10:25,460 --> 00:10:28,250 Uh, I was just telling him we need someone to fight for us. 255 00:10:28,250 --> 00:10:29,380 Remember I was just telling you that? 256 00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,040 Yeah, I do. 257 00:10:31,040 --> 00:10:32,420 I have the uncanny ability 258 00:10:32,420 --> 00:10:34,080 to remember things from seconds ago. 259 00:10:34,080 --> 00:10:35,960 [ Chuckles ] 260 00:10:35,960 --> 00:10:38,460 Look, I'm not looking to win the lottery. 261 00:10:38,460 --> 00:10:40,420 All I want is my hospital bills paid. 262 00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:42,710 Dan, you've already done the hard work. 263 00:10:42,710 --> 00:10:43,880 You got hurt. 264 00:10:45,500 --> 00:10:48,830 Now let me do my job. Darlene faxed me all the info. 265 00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:50,500 I see six figures. 266 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:53,210 Whoa! Six figures?! I'm not hurt that bad! 267 00:10:53,210 --> 00:10:54,620 Never say that again. 268 00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:58,460 You have no idea what kind of problems 269 00:10:58,460 --> 00:10:59,580 you're gonna have in the future, 270 00:10:59,580 --> 00:11:02,120 and this is pennies to these people. 271 00:11:02,120 --> 00:11:05,120 And the fact is, they were negligent. 272 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:07,080 You were helping out your sick kid, 273 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,670 which I know will make every woman on that jury 274 00:11:09,670 --> 00:11:11,920 want to have sex with you. 275 00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:14,750 I'd rather not. 276 00:11:14,750 --> 00:11:16,880 If they can just bring me a beer in front of the TV, 277 00:11:16,880 --> 00:11:18,500 that'd be fine. 278 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,210 They'll settle this long before they go to trial. 279 00:11:21,210 --> 00:11:23,250 You deserve this money. 280 00:11:23,250 --> 00:11:25,380 Wouldn't it be nice to put a few bucks in the bank 281 00:11:25,380 --> 00:11:26,580 for your family? 282 00:11:26,580 --> 00:11:28,040 Oh, he'll do it. 283 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,670 Right? You'll do it? 284 00:11:29,670 --> 00:11:31,290 He'll do it. 285 00:11:31,290 --> 00:11:33,540 I'll do it. 286 00:11:33,540 --> 00:11:35,420 Now all you got to do is get my daughter on board. 287 00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:37,080 ♪♪ 288 00:11:41,670 --> 00:11:44,580 Here's to Dad retiring before he dies. 289 00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,580 So, Grandpa, how much money are you gonna get? 290 00:11:46,580 --> 00:11:48,040 We're not getting rich, 291 00:11:48,040 --> 00:11:50,750 but we ought to see a few bucks out of this, 292 00:11:50,750 --> 00:11:52,790 and if we do, it'll be good for all of us. 293 00:11:52,790 --> 00:11:54,000 [ Sighs ] Can you imagine? 294 00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,960 We could get the house down to one mortgage 295 00:11:55,960 --> 00:11:57,500 and get a new water heater 296 00:11:57,500 --> 00:12:00,540 so we can shower like it's not a pit stop at a NASCAR race. 297 00:12:02,290 --> 00:12:04,500 Do I dare dream about a college with a campus 298 00:12:04,500 --> 00:12:07,210 instead of an office building next to the freeway? 299 00:12:07,210 --> 00:12:09,460 You can certainly start thinking about it. 300 00:12:09,460 --> 00:12:11,000 Thanks, Grandpa! 301 00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:12,000 I love you more than Mom. 302 00:12:14,040 --> 00:12:16,420 The Art Institute is offering five kids from our school 303 00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:18,790 a chance to take classes with Tony Fitzpatrick. 304 00:12:18,790 --> 00:12:20,460 He's amazing. 305 00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,460 I sent in some of my art from class, and they picked me. 306 00:12:22,460 --> 00:12:24,500 Wow. I didn't know you did that. 307 00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:26,790 It costs a lot of money, and I didn't think we could afford it. 308 00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:28,710 It's $500. 309 00:12:28,710 --> 00:12:30,880 Is it important to you? Yeah. 310 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,210 Let them know you're coming. 311 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,880 I love you more than Mom, too! 312 00:12:33,880 --> 00:12:35,960 [ Jackie laughs ] 313 00:12:35,960 --> 00:12:37,790 Darlene, what do you want? 314 00:12:37,790 --> 00:12:39,460 Well, the love of my children would be nice. 315 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,880 So, another toast to Dan for making it all possible 316 00:12:43,880 --> 00:12:45,330 by doing something as stupid 317 00:12:45,330 --> 00:12:47,000 as pulling a vending machine over on himself. 318 00:12:48,920 --> 00:12:50,330 [ Clears throat ] 319 00:12:50,330 --> 00:12:52,080 All right. You guys can go ahead. 320 00:12:52,080 --> 00:12:54,420 I'm gonna make Becky bring me dessert, eat half of it, 321 00:12:54,420 --> 00:12:56,120 and then send it back. 322 00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,120 Can I get a daiquiri, please? 323 00:12:58,120 --> 00:12:59,830 Sure. Thanks, Becky. 324 00:12:59,830 --> 00:13:02,290 I'm sorry. Do we know each other? 325 00:13:02,290 --> 00:13:04,540 No, but you know my boyfriend, Gil. 326 00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:07,040 You've been texting him. 327 00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,420 Huh. 328 00:13:08,420 --> 00:13:10,500 I didn't know that Gil had a girlfriend. 329 00:13:10,500 --> 00:13:12,080 Also I don't know who Gil is. 330 00:13:13,420 --> 00:13:14,330 Really? [ Scoffs ] 331 00:13:16,040 --> 00:13:17,790 Oh, yeah. 332 00:13:17,790 --> 00:13:19,920 I know that guy. 333 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:21,710 He never told me he had a girlfriend. 334 00:13:21,710 --> 00:13:23,330 Would you have cared if he did? 335 00:13:23,330 --> 00:13:25,710 Hey, if he's in a relationship, 336 00:13:25,710 --> 00:13:27,620 that's on him. 337 00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:29,580 One daiquiri. 338 00:13:29,580 --> 00:13:31,540 But you're the one who's sending him 339 00:13:31,540 --> 00:13:34,120 pictures of you in a short skirt and cowboy boots. 340 00:13:34,120 --> 00:13:36,290 Stop it. Look, I know what you're doing, okay? 341 00:13:36,290 --> 00:13:37,750 I've met trash before. 342 00:13:39,540 --> 00:13:40,670 [ Pitcher thuds ] 343 00:13:40,670 --> 00:13:43,000 You need to leave. Oh, I intend to. 344 00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:45,500 Oops. [ Sighs ] 345 00:13:45,500 --> 00:13:47,540 I guess you'll probably try to drink that up, right? 346 00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:49,830 Because you seem to like stuff I've already had. 347 00:13:52,170 --> 00:13:53,500 Watch your men, ladies! 348 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,620 'Cause this little slut will come after them! 349 00:13:57,830 --> 00:13:59,080 Why did you stop me? 350 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,790 Because she wasn't totally wrong. 351 00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:08,080 She called me a slut! Okay, she was wrong about that, 352 00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:09,500 but what do you think that you would do 353 00:14:09,500 --> 00:14:11,960 if somebody was texting your boyfriend like you're doing? 354 00:14:11,960 --> 00:14:13,830 I don't know, but I wouldn't knock over 355 00:14:13,830 --> 00:14:15,210 a perfectly good daiquiri. 356 00:14:16,710 --> 00:14:21,120 Becky, you're looking for all of your validation in men. 357 00:14:21,120 --> 00:14:22,620 I know what it's like. 358 00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:25,790 I used to look for a lot of my self-worth in bars -- 359 00:14:25,790 --> 00:14:28,250 biker bars, trucker bars, cop bars, 360 00:14:28,250 --> 00:14:31,210 and one gay bar, which may or may not have been an accident. 361 00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,500 But that's you, not me. 362 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,420 I admit that I flirt too much, 363 00:14:37,420 --> 00:14:40,210 but you're making it into a bigger problem than it is. 364 00:14:40,210 --> 00:14:41,790 [ Cellphone chimes ] 365 00:14:43,170 --> 00:14:45,380 Is that a guy? Yeah, it's a guy. 366 00:14:45,380 --> 00:14:47,380 Which one is this? [ Inhales deeply ] 367 00:14:47,380 --> 00:14:50,670 I don't know. He didn't include his face. 368 00:14:50,670 --> 00:14:53,380 Is that the direction you want to keep going in? 369 00:14:53,380 --> 00:14:55,750 No, not really. Okay, well, then step one 370 00:14:55,750 --> 00:14:57,500 is you have to erase everything on that phone 371 00:14:57,500 --> 00:14:59,750 that has anything to do with flirting with guys. 372 00:14:59,750 --> 00:15:01,170 Okay. 373 00:15:07,790 --> 00:15:09,960 Might as well just do a factory reset. 374 00:15:11,170 --> 00:15:14,420 ♪♪ 375 00:15:14,420 --> 00:15:17,210 You know, this whole lawsuit thing is really bad for D.J. 376 00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:21,460 Oh, well, I'm sure he'll get another job. 377 00:15:21,460 --> 00:15:23,710 He's got experience handling change. 378 00:15:23,710 --> 00:15:25,710 The coin-operated industry's his oyster. 379 00:15:27,420 --> 00:15:30,250 I know you guys use humor to deal with things, 380 00:15:30,250 --> 00:15:32,330 but D.J. was really happy about this job, 381 00:15:32,330 --> 00:15:35,120 and now he's depressed about the possibility of getting fired. 382 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:36,620 Oh, he's getting fired. 383 00:15:36,620 --> 00:15:39,120 I'm -- I'm sorry. Humor. 384 00:15:39,120 --> 00:15:41,000 Yeah, you're right. It's wrong. 385 00:15:41,000 --> 00:15:43,420 Did you know he's been seeing a therapist at the VA 386 00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:44,960 for the last two years? 387 00:15:44,960 --> 00:15:47,420 No. [ Doorbell rings ] 388 00:15:47,420 --> 00:15:49,380 Look, please don't tell him I told you. 389 00:15:49,380 --> 00:15:51,250 He's so proud, he wouldn't even tell you 390 00:15:51,250 --> 00:15:52,540 what that chicken soup did to him. 391 00:15:57,540 --> 00:16:00,210 You can't take off the tray table and answer the door? 392 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,040 I can, but evidently I don't have to. 393 00:16:05,170 --> 00:16:07,620 Hey, Brian. Are you guys eating dinner or anything? 394 00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:09,670 I don't want to interrupt. No, no. Come on in. 395 00:16:09,670 --> 00:16:11,670 I was gonna call you, but I -- 396 00:16:11,670 --> 00:16:13,420 I really needed to talk to you in person. 397 00:16:15,540 --> 00:16:17,580 Oh, I know what you're doing here. 398 00:16:17,580 --> 00:16:19,540 You're coming in all sad-looking 399 00:16:19,540 --> 00:16:21,380 and then you're gonna give us a big, old check. 400 00:16:23,330 --> 00:16:25,540 Not exactly. I talked to the company's lawyers today. 401 00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,080 And? 402 00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:30,120 They decided they're gonna fight this out in court. 403 00:16:30,120 --> 00:16:32,000 Wait. But w-we'll still win, right? 404 00:16:33,620 --> 00:16:35,120 Here's how their lawyer put it to me. 405 00:16:35,120 --> 00:16:36,960 You know how you put a coin in a vending machine 406 00:16:36,960 --> 00:16:39,330 and that cinnamon bun you're craving gets stuck? 407 00:16:39,330 --> 00:16:40,670 Yeah. 408 00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:43,790 And then you're at the point where you have to decide, 409 00:16:43,790 --> 00:16:45,170 are you gonna put more money in, 410 00:16:45,170 --> 00:16:47,750 hoping it will be pushed further and drop, 411 00:16:47,750 --> 00:16:49,460 or do you just go for the Life Savers 412 00:16:49,460 --> 00:16:51,040 'cause you know they'll roll out easy? 413 00:16:52,540 --> 00:16:54,080 Could you simplify this? I'm about to throw up. 414 00:16:55,750 --> 00:16:57,040 They're offering a settlement. 415 00:16:57,040 --> 00:16:58,420 It's not as much as we'd hoped for. 416 00:16:58,420 --> 00:16:59,500 How much is it? 417 00:16:59,500 --> 00:17:01,000 No pain and suffering. 418 00:17:01,000 --> 00:17:03,920 Just money for medical bills, and after my fees come out, 419 00:17:03,920 --> 00:17:06,500 you'll be just a little short. 420 00:17:06,500 --> 00:17:09,420 We're gonna be short? You promised us six figures. 421 00:17:09,420 --> 00:17:11,250 Oh, I was hoping for six figures, 422 00:17:11,250 --> 00:17:12,710 but these guys are threatening to drag this out. 423 00:17:12,710 --> 00:17:14,330 It could take years. 424 00:17:14,330 --> 00:17:16,210 I recommend you take the settlement. 425 00:17:16,210 --> 00:17:18,000 God, this sucks. You know what? 426 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,210 You're the last person I ever hire off a gas pump. 427 00:17:21,790 --> 00:17:24,290 We'll take the offer. 428 00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:25,460 No. 429 00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:26,880 You know what? 430 00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:28,330 If we're taking this, then D.J. has to keep his job. 431 00:17:28,330 --> 00:17:29,920 That's the deal. 432 00:17:29,920 --> 00:17:32,210 -I can do that. -Thanks. 433 00:17:32,210 --> 00:17:33,500 Let me walk you out. 434 00:17:35,710 --> 00:17:38,000 You know, I just want you to know, I had every intention 435 00:17:38,000 --> 00:17:39,500 of sticking it to those guys for you. 436 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,290 No, you didn't. 437 00:17:41,290 --> 00:17:43,880 You were looking for a fat settlement and a quick payout. 438 00:17:43,880 --> 00:17:45,790 They offered you half, and I got you more. 439 00:17:45,790 --> 00:17:47,120 In my book, that's a win. 440 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:50,080 That's no win. You set us up. 441 00:17:50,080 --> 00:17:52,880 You made my family think that things were gonna work out for once, 442 00:17:52,880 --> 00:17:55,330 and then you bailed on us. 443 00:17:55,330 --> 00:17:57,040 I should have known better. 444 00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:59,830 No other lawyer would have done anything different. 445 00:17:59,830 --> 00:18:01,830 That's the first honest thing you've said to me. 446 00:18:01,830 --> 00:18:04,620 Hey. You took a shot. 447 00:18:04,620 --> 00:18:06,210 If you'd lost the arm, 448 00:18:06,210 --> 00:18:08,250 I think you'd be in much better shape. 449 00:18:10,920 --> 00:18:12,790 I have to go inside now 450 00:18:12,790 --> 00:18:15,460 and tell my grandkids why I have to let them down. 451 00:18:15,460 --> 00:18:18,120 If I ever see you again, I will kick your ass, 452 00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:21,170 and then I will throw you into the sea. 453 00:18:21,170 --> 00:18:22,880 And there's no point in suing me. 454 00:18:22,880 --> 00:18:24,540 As you know, we ain't got no money. 455 00:18:28,750 --> 00:18:29,920 Hey, buddy. 456 00:18:29,920 --> 00:18:32,210 Hey, Grandpa. You don't have to tell me. 457 00:18:32,210 --> 00:18:33,540 I heard. 458 00:18:33,540 --> 00:18:36,500 People don't always come through, pal. 459 00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:39,330 I didn't really want to go to that art class anyway. 460 00:18:39,330 --> 00:18:40,580 It's gonna be in the summer, 461 00:18:40,580 --> 00:18:42,710 and there's other stuff I'd rather do. 462 00:18:42,710 --> 00:18:44,790 Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you're going. 463 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,580 Really? But we can't afford it. 464 00:18:47,580 --> 00:18:48,960 You have to pay your doctor bills. 465 00:18:48,960 --> 00:18:51,080 That's my business, not yours. 466 00:18:51,080 --> 00:18:52,250 Thanks, Grandpa. 467 00:18:53,670 --> 00:18:55,380 What about me? 468 00:18:55,380 --> 00:18:57,670 You said I could think about going to a real college. 469 00:18:57,670 --> 00:19:00,040 Yeah, fair is fair. You can keep thinking about it. 470 00:19:03,080 --> 00:19:05,330 So, one of the reasons you may have been looking 471 00:19:05,330 --> 00:19:07,960 for external validation from men 472 00:19:07,960 --> 00:19:10,830 is because you don't feel good 473 00:19:10,830 --> 00:19:13,420 about what you've accomplished in your life. 474 00:19:13,420 --> 00:19:16,290 How can you say that? Look around you. 475 00:19:18,620 --> 00:19:20,790 So, we're gonna come up with a plan 476 00:19:20,790 --> 00:19:22,250 that helps you get a career 477 00:19:22,250 --> 00:19:24,170 so you can feel good about something 478 00:19:24,170 --> 00:19:25,710 more than just your pretty face. 479 00:19:25,710 --> 00:19:27,500 You think I'm pretty? 480 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,750 Kidding. I know I'm pretty. 481 00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:32,620 So, what is your dream job? 482 00:19:32,620 --> 00:19:35,460 Okay, but don't laugh. 483 00:19:35,460 --> 00:19:39,120 I've always wanted to work at the Field Museum. 484 00:19:39,120 --> 00:19:41,250 You know, in that room where they clean off 485 00:19:41,250 --> 00:19:43,380 the fossils and the artifacts? 486 00:19:43,380 --> 00:19:45,000 I saw that on a field trip once, 487 00:19:45,000 --> 00:19:46,420 and I've never stopped thinking about it. 488 00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:50,250 Wow, archaeologist. Uncovering history. 489 00:19:50,250 --> 00:19:52,080 Bringing the past to life. 490 00:19:52,080 --> 00:19:55,120 I brought materials on paralegal and dental technician, 491 00:19:55,120 --> 00:19:57,420 but let's roll with this. 492 00:19:59,210 --> 00:20:00,750 I don't even know where to start. 493 00:20:00,750 --> 00:20:02,710 Well, Jackie's jewel number one -- 494 00:20:02,710 --> 00:20:05,500 Find somebody who's doing it and talk to them. 495 00:20:05,500 --> 00:20:08,460 Here's the Field Museum website. 496 00:20:08,460 --> 00:20:11,290 Maybe we make a few calls. Maybe you could intern. 497 00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:14,170 Here's the manager of the docent volunteers. 498 00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,460 He's cute. 499 00:20:16,460 --> 00:20:18,210 Oh, great. 500 00:20:18,210 --> 00:20:19,830 We can work on two things. 501 00:20:19,830 --> 00:20:21,920 ♪♪ 502 00:20:26,330 --> 00:20:27,210 Darlene: Oh, Dad. I called the hospital. 503 00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:29,210 We qualify for an assistance program. 504 00:20:29,210 --> 00:20:30,580 Technically, we're indigent. 505 00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:31,670 [ Cheers and applause ] Ow! 506 00:20:31,670 --> 00:20:34,040 Yeah! 507 00:20:34,040 --> 00:20:36,250 After paying off all of the medical bills 508 00:20:36,250 --> 00:20:37,830 and Mark's art class, 509 00:20:37,830 --> 00:20:39,960 we have $645 left. 510 00:20:39,960 --> 00:20:42,250 Which part of Europe are we gonna see first? 511 00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:45,460 We can go to Santa's Village! 512 00:20:45,460 --> 00:20:48,000 Oh, you remember how much fun that was? 513 00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,290 We would go in the petting zoo, and then all those animals 514 00:20:50,290 --> 00:20:52,500 would jump up on us with crap all over their feet, 515 00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:54,710 and then we'd go get gingerbread cookies 516 00:20:54,710 --> 00:20:56,710 without washing our hands, and Dad would say, 517 00:20:56,710 --> 00:20:58,500 "You guys are gonna all get sick," and then we did? 518 00:20:58,500 --> 00:21:00,500 [ Laughter ] 519 00:21:00,500 --> 00:21:02,460 I want to go! 520 00:21:02,460 --> 00:21:04,040 All right, all right. 521 00:21:04,040 --> 00:21:06,960 I say, though, it's Grandpa's money, and he gets to decide. 522 00:21:06,960 --> 00:21:10,330 I've always been a fan of the mail-order steaks. 523 00:21:10,330 --> 00:21:13,080 How about we order 30 of them? 524 00:21:13,080 --> 00:21:15,330 I will eat one filet a night 525 00:21:15,330 --> 00:21:17,500 for 30 consecutive nights. 526 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,710 It will be known as the "month of mignon." 527 00:21:22,290 --> 00:21:25,120 Oh. Wow. You're a good dad. You're not gonna linger.