♪♪
Hey, D.J. What are you doing here?
Geena sent me over 'cause she doesn't want
her or Mary to get sick.
I guess she figured whatever germs are living in this couch
would kill the intruders.
You're in luck, Deej.
The unlabeled can that was in the pantry since we were kids?
Chicken soup.
Tastes okay.
Yeah, I figured. The can was barely swollen.
-Hey. -Hey.
Oh, don't go near D.J.
He's sick, and I've used up all my nurturing on him,
so if you guys get sick, I'm just gonna yell at you.
Sorry, Uncle D.J. I can't get sick, anyway.
I have a test tomorrow.
I do, too,
so if you want to cough on my scarf, please do.
[ D.J. coughs ]
Thank you.
So...where's Dan?
Mom wants some shelves put in
above her bed for her bowling trophies.
Why can't you do it?
'Cause if it falls, I'm the one with the obvious motive.
Dad's covering my vending-machine route today.
I hope he can handle it. It's a very complicated job.
[ Laughs ]
[ Laughing ] Isn't it just like you open a glass door,
and you replace the chips and the candy?
Yeah, and space travel is just lighting a rocket
and landing on the moon.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Did you just equate space travel
with servicing a vending machine?
[ Laughs ]
Oh, Dan. My God.
What happened?
A vending machine fell over on me.
[ Gasps ]
I knew it. Are you okay?
Again, a vending machine fell on me.
How? They're bolted to the wall.
This one wasn't.
-Are you sure? -Yeah, I'm sure!
I had plenty of time to stare at the wall
while it was crushing me.
Well, how bad is it?
I had to spend four hours in the emergency.
Nobody has insurance now,
so they use it like a doctor's office.
It's a no-win situation
because the emergency has to take you,
but it costs a fortune.
Oh, I don't know. It was only $6,000.
If I'd have had my other pants on, I'd have paid it right then.
$6,000?
I thought Medicare covered like 80%.
They did, but they made me take an MRI,
a blood test, an I.V.,
a bone guy, a brain guy.
That's the co-pay.
We can't afford this, and it's the company's fault.
You know what? They better pay or we're gonna have to sue.
Wait. Uh, you can't sue the company I work for.
Eat your old soup and be quiet.
Relax, Deej. I'm not suing anybody.
I'm sure the company will cover my expenses.
Oh, don't be naive, Dan.
Those vending-machine companies --
they'll nickle and dime ya.
[ Laughing ] Hey, hey!
[ Laughs ]
I didn't even mean to do that.
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Hey, check out my updated website.
I'm using icons to subliminally suggest
that people use my services.
So, you see, the drum majorette and the sun?
That implies I can lead you to a life
where nobody rains on your parade!
[ Laughs ]
Yeah, yeah. That's a huge stretch.
You want to hear about my day?
I don't care. I do.
The owner told me I have to stop
flirting with the other employees.
Well, to be fair, you did have sex with two of them.
Yeah, he lead with that.
Did he single you out?
No. He told everyone there's gonna be zero tolerance
for fraternizing amongst the employees,
and he's making us all take boundary-awareness training.
Well, that's not the worst thing for you.
It's stupid.
Work is where most people meet.
And meeting people at work is perfect
because you know they have jobs.
Um, let me talk to you not as your Aunt Jackie,
but as Lanford's leading certified life coach.
Um, maybe you're flirting too much in general.
For instance, the guy at the Rite Aid.
Paul?
It's just a little game we play.
He asked you to marry him,
and you haven't said no yet.
That's the game.
Okay, well, at least let me help you
get your boundary-awareness certificate.
I'm fully accredited. See?
A wise, old owl is saying it.
I'm sorry to hear you hurt yourself, Mr. Conner.
-Please call me Dan. -Okay, Dan.
Um, before we start, how about a snack?
Huh? "Snack time's all the time."
That's our slogan.
Oh. I thought it'd be something more like,
"We crush you with our vending machines."
Anyway, we have cheese puffs, mini pretzels,
and we have cheese and crackers.
You know that little, red, plastic paddle
in the cheese-and-cracker packet?
That was us.
I don't want to take up a lot of your time.
I'm just asking to get my medical bills covered
because your machine should have been bolted to that wall,
and I'll take some cheese puffs for later.
Well, it's not that simple.
See, first of all, you're not an authorized technician.
This, uh, never would have happened
had you been trained for the job.
It fell on him.
Are you saying if my dad was trained
that gravity would have behaved differently?
My company has a heart,
and I have been authorized to...
offer to pay half your medical bills.
Half? Are you kidding me?
Relax, Darlene. We've just started talking about this.
No, they're trying to screw us. I knew they would do this.
I guess we're just gonna have to get ourselves a lawyer.
How do you like our new business, Dad?
Of course, we're gonna have to get rid of Old Man Grayson.
[ Exhales deeply ]
Okay, we're done.
Once you say "lawyer," I'm no longer allowed to talk to you.
Oh, I'd like to take this opportunity
to dismiss my counsel.
I'll be representing myself.
You're selling out your daughter?
And how.
Oh, I like that.
But, no, we can't keep talking.
They'll validate your parking at the front desk.
Fine, but just so you know,
your red, plastic paddle is dumb.
You've got to make the cheese softer or the paddle harder.
Jerk.
♪♪
I can't believe those phones are more interesting than I am.
Sorry about that. We were being rude.
Don't take this the wrong way, but you're way too hot
to be working in a place like this.
You're gonna let him leave you in the dust like that?
I figured you knew you were hot, so I didn't have to say anything.
Good job.
I'll get your waitress for you. This isn't my section.
Hey, hey. Can I talk to you for a second?
Sure. Have you seen this?
That's your picture on my rival's website,
Rita Silver.
How could you go to her for your certificate?
Look what she wrote -- "I am now coaching
the niece of Jackie Harris,
Lanford's number-two life coach."
Look, I'm gonna be honest with you.
I didn't know whether you were a life coach or not.
I've never seen you with a client.
Of course I have clients!
You don't see them because I fix their lives so quick!
We--
And Rita Silver is a certificate mill,
and if you'd come to me, you'd have your certificate
and a little bit of knowledge about what's going on in there!
Sorry, but I think this whole thing is bogus,
so why not just go to somebody who's gonna rubber-stamp it?
I have enough to deal with right now.
All right. I'll let it go.
But [sniffs] after what Rita said,
I might have to put a little something on my website
that destroys your reputation.
♪♪
Okay. We just did 10 minutes of physical activity.
Can we have our game controllers back?
Uh, I said 30 minutes.
It's 10 below zero. The ball almost shattered.
Back in my day, we called that shatterball,
and we loved it.
[ Receiver slams ] That was the ambulance company.
I just went two blocks for $800.
You want to meet with them and get it up to an even thousand?
I-I told you I'd handle the bills.
Like you handled the guy at the vending-machine company?
We were negotiating.
We need somebody to fight for us,
which is why I called a lawyer,
and he should be here any minute, and you're welcome.
[ Growling ] I don't want a lawyer!
[ Normal voice ] I'll go back and talk to the guy alone.
Oh, and do what?
Get five bucks more and a packet of mini pretzels?
Just hear this guy out. He's obviously very successful.
I saw his commercial on a screen at the gas pump.
Oh, well, if the gas station recommends him...
Why are you pushing this so hard?
Because we were already up against it,
and if you can't work for a long time, it'll break us.
We don't have any savings.
If you're worried about me, I can take care of myself.
Well, what if you can't?
I mean, there's barely any good-paying jobs out there.
My kids might be living with us until their 20s,
and if you're not working,
I don't know how I'm gonna take care of everybody.
I will not be a burden.
I'll sell my organs to science...
...slowly.
[ Doorbell rings ] Just play nice.
Don't attack him. -I'll try,
but there's a reason there's never been a lawyer in this house.
Or a teacher or a senator
or anyone with a master's degree.
Let's see what happens.
Darlene? Brian Foster.
Oh, thank you so much for coming.
This is my dad, Dan Conner.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Conner. Hey.
Sorry. I got a bad wing.
Also I think all lawyers should be thrown into the sea.
[ Chuckles ]
He was very pleasant before the injury.
We should be compensated for that.
Look, I'm sure you must be worrying
not just about the injury,
but how you're gonna pay those bills.
That's what I'm here for.
I am really gonna fight for you to get a fair shake.
Uh, I was just telling him we need someone to fight for us.
Remember I was just telling you that?
Yeah, I do.
I have the uncanny ability
to remember things from seconds ago.
[ Chuckles ]
Look, I'm not looking to win the lottery.
All I want is my hospital bills paid.
Dan, you've already done the hard work.
You got hurt.
Now let me do my job. Darlene faxed me all the info.
I see six figures.
Whoa! Six figures?! I'm not hurt that bad!
Never say that again.
You have no idea what kind of problems
you're gonna have in the future,
and this is pennies to these people.
And the fact is, they were negligent.
You were helping out your sick kid,
which I know will make every woman on that jury
want to have sex with you.
I'd rather not.
If they can just bring me a beer in front of the TV,
that'd be fine.
They'll settle this long before they go to trial.
You deserve this money.
Wouldn't it be nice to put a few bucks in the bank
for your family?
Oh, he'll do it.
Right? You'll do it?
He'll do it.
I'll do it.
Now all you got to do is get my daughter on board.
♪♪
Here's to Dad retiring before he dies.
So, Grandpa, how much money are you gonna get?
We're not getting rich,
but we ought to see a few bucks out of this,
and if we do, it'll be good for all of us.
[ Sighs ] Can you imagine?
We could get the house down to one mortgage
and get a new water heater
so we can shower like it's not a pit stop at a NASCAR race.
Do I dare dream about a college with a campus
instead of an office building next to the freeway?
You can certainly start thinking about it.
Thanks, Grandpa!
I love you more than Mom.
The Art Institute is offering five kids from our school
a chance to take classes with Tony Fitzpatrick.
He's amazing.
I sent in some of my art from class, and they picked me.
Wow. I didn't know you did that.
It costs a lot of money, and I didn't think we could afford it.
It's $500.
Is it important to you? Yeah.
Let them know you're coming.
I love you more than Mom, too!
[ Jackie laughs ]
Darlene, what do you want?
Well, the love of my children would be nice.
So, another toast to Dan for making it all possible
by doing something as stupid
as pulling a vending machine over on himself.
[ Clears throat ]
All right. You guys can go ahead.
I'm gonna make Becky bring me dessert, eat half of it,
and then send it back.
Can I get a daiquiri, please?
Sure. Thanks, Becky.
I'm sorry. Do we know each other?
No, but you know my boyfriend, Gil.
You've been texting him.
Huh.
I didn't know that Gil had a girlfriend.
Also I don't know who Gil is.
Really? [ Scoffs ]
Oh, yeah.
I know that guy.
He never told me he had a girlfriend.
Would you have cared if he did?
Hey, if he's in a relationship,
that's on him.
One daiquiri.
But you're the one who's sending him
pictures of you in a short skirt and cowboy boots.
Stop it. Look, I know what you're doing, okay?
I've met trash before.
[ Pitcher thuds ]
You need to leave. Oh, I intend to.
Oops. [ Sighs ]
I guess you'll probably try to drink that up, right?
Because you seem to like stuff I've already had.
Watch your men, ladies!
'Cause this little slut will come after them!
Why did you stop me?
Because she wasn't totally wrong.
She called me a slut! Okay, she was wrong about that,
but what do you think that you would do
if somebody was texting your boyfriend like you're doing?
I don't know, but I wouldn't knock over
a perfectly good daiquiri.
Becky, you're looking for all of your validation in men.
I know what it's like.
I used to look for a lot of my self-worth in bars --
biker bars, trucker bars, cop bars,
and one gay bar, which may or may not have been an accident.
But that's you, not me.
I admit that I flirt too much,
but you're making it into a bigger problem than it is.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
Is that a guy? Yeah, it's a guy.
Which one is this? [ Inhales deeply ]
I don't know. He didn't include his face.
Is that the direction you want to keep going in?
No, not really. Okay, well, then step one
is you have to erase everything on that phone
that has anything to do with flirting with guys.
Okay.
Might as well just do a factory reset.
♪♪
You know, this whole lawsuit thing is really bad for D.J.
Oh, well, I'm sure he'll get another job.
He's got experience handling change.
The coin-operated industry's his oyster.
I know you guys use humor to deal with things,
but D.J. was really happy about this job,
and now he's depressed about the possibility of getting fired.
Oh, he's getting fired.
I'm -- I'm sorry. Humor.
Yeah, you're right. It's wrong.
Did you know he's been seeing a therapist at the VA
for the last two years?
No. [ Doorbell rings ]
Look, please don't tell him I told you.
He's so proud, he wouldn't even tell you
what that chicken soup did to him.
You can't take off the tray table and answer the door?
I can, but evidently I don't have to.
Hey, Brian. Are you guys eating dinner or anything?
I don't want to interrupt. No, no. Come on in.
I was gonna call you, but I --
I really needed to talk to you in person.
Oh, I know what you're doing here.
You're coming in all sad-looking
and then you're gonna give us a big, old check.
Not exactly. I talked to the company's lawyers today.
And?
They decided they're gonna fight this out in court.
Wait. But w-we'll still win, right?
Here's how their lawyer put it to me.
You know how you put a coin in a vending machine
and that cinnamon bun you're craving gets stuck?
Yeah.
And then you're at the point where you have to decide,
are you gonna put more money in,
hoping it will be pushed further and drop,
or do you just go for the Life Savers
'cause you know they'll roll out easy?
Could you simplify this? I'm about to throw up.
They're offering a settlement.
It's not as much as we'd hoped for.
How much is it?
No pain and suffering.
Just money for medical bills, and after my fees come out,
you'll be just a little short.
We're gonna be short? You promised us six figures.
Oh, I was hoping for six figures,
but these guys are threatening to drag this out.
It could take years.
I recommend you take the settlement.
God, this sucks. You know what?
You're the last person I ever hire off a gas pump.
We'll take the offer.
No.
You know what?
If we're taking this, then D.J. has to keep his job.
That's the deal.
-I can do that. -Thanks.
Let me walk you out.
You know, I just want you to know, I had every intention
of sticking it to those guys for you.
No, you didn't.
You were looking for a fat settlement and a quick payout.
They offered you half, and I got you more.
In my book, that's a win.
That's no win. You set us up.
You made my family think that things were gonna work out for once,
and then you bailed on us.
I should have known better.
No other lawyer would have done anything different.
That's the first honest thing you've said to me.
Hey. You took a shot.
If you'd lost the arm,
I think you'd be in much better shape.
I have to go inside now
and tell my grandkids why I have to let them down.
If I ever see you again, I will kick your ass,
and then I will throw you into the sea.
And there's no point in suing me.
As you know, we ain't got no money.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, Grandpa. You don't have to tell me.
I heard.
People don't always come through, pal.
I didn't really want to go to that art class anyway.
It's gonna be in the summer,
and there's other stuff I'd rather do.
Oh, that's too bad, 'cause you're going.
Really? But we can't afford it.
You have to pay your doctor bills.
That's my business, not yours.
Thanks, Grandpa.
What about me?
You said I could think about going to a real college.
Yeah, fair is fair. You can keep thinking about it.
So, one of the reasons you may have been looking
for external validation from men
is because you don't feel good
about what you've accomplished in your life.
How can you say that? Look around you.
So, we're gonna come up with a plan
that helps you get a career
so you can feel good about something
more than just your pretty face.
You think I'm pretty?
Kidding. I know I'm pretty.
So, what is your dream job?
Okay, but don't laugh.
I've always wanted to work at the Field Museum.
You know, in that room where they clean off
the fossils and the artifacts?
I saw that on a field trip once,
and I've never stopped thinking about it.
Wow, archaeologist. Uncovering history.
Bringing the past to life.
I brought materials on paralegal and dental technician,
but let's roll with this.
I don't even know where to start.
Well, Jackie's jewel number one --
Find somebody who's doing it and talk to them.
Here's the Field Museum website.
Maybe we make a few calls. Maybe you could intern.
Here's the manager of the docent volunteers.
He's cute.
Oh, great.
We can work on two things.
♪♪
Darlene: Oh, Dad. I called the hospital.
We qualify for an assistance program.
Technically, we're indigent.
[ Cheers and applause ] Ow!
Yeah!
After paying off all of the medical bills
and Mark's art class,
we have $645 left.
Which part of Europe are we gonna see first?
We can go to Santa's Village!
Oh, you remember how much fun that was?
We would go in the petting zoo, and then all those animals
would jump up on us with crap all over their feet,
and then we'd go get gingerbread cookies
without washing our hands, and Dad would say,
"You guys are gonna all get sick," and then we did?
[ Laughter ]
I want to go!
All right, all right.
I say, though, it's Grandpa's money, and he gets to decide.
I've always been a fan of the mail-order steaks.
How about we order 30 of them?
I will eat one filet a night
for 30 consecutive nights.
It will be known as the "month of mignon."
Oh. Wow. You're a good dad. You're not gonna linger.