♪♪
Hey. Yes.
Oh, Becky, this is Ben.
Ben, my sister, Becky.
Oh. Perfect. I'm on break.
[ Chuckles ]
So nice to finally meet you.
Yeah.
So, what do you see in her?
Uh, excuse me?
As the first person in the family to finally meet Ben,
I feel a certain obligation to grill him
and make him feel uncomfortable.
[ Chuckles ]
So, are you serious about her,
or is it just about the disappointing sex?
Uh, that was wildly inappropriate.
The sex is not disappointing.
He's a middle-aged man doing the best that he can.
[ Laughs ]
Oh!
Okay. I get it. The gloves are off?
All right. Let's do this.
Darlene won't commit to being serious
because she's afraid to be vulnerable.
And you seem like a lunatic.
Okay. My turn, my turn.
I am afraid to be vulnerable
because he's too old to have never been married,
and I think there's something broken inside there.
Who says I'm not married? You barely know me.
Oh. Let's go. That's my dad.
Oh! Why can't I meet him?
Oh, we got to do this one Conner at a time.
You barely got past Becky.
What up, Daddy-o?
Picking up lunch for my crew.
No need to lie to me, Dad.
Enjoy your four meals.
Hey, Dan. Hey, Louise.
Remember when we were talking about your band
and I couldn't remember the name of that group
I used to like?
Found 'em.
Oh, my God.
Baby Huey & the Babysitters.
"Messin' with the Kid."
Both: ♪ You can call it what you want ♪
♪ But I call it messin' with the kid ♪
Wow.
You know, right when I left Lanford,
I got to Chicago, I sat in with them.
No! Oh, yeah.
Then they looked over, saw me sittin'
on the edge of the stage, and I got thrown out.
[ Laughs ]
It's so nice to have you back.
I remember you packing your drums
in the back of your LeBaron after graduation
and heading down to Chicago with your band.
Yeah, that was the beginning of the long,
slow climb to the bottom.
Well, I was jealous of you.
I still kick myself for not taking my guitar
and hitting the road like you did.
Mm. Don't beat yourself up.
You were terrible.
I'm okay with that.
I'm kind of the Jimmy Page of drywall.
[ Chuckles ]
So, I have a little surprise for you, too.
I have an extra ticket for an oldies concert
in Ravinia tomorrow night.
You want to go with me and my buddies?
Who's playing?
Just a bunch of bands from the '60s and '70s --
what's left of 'em, anyway.
There's, uh, Gladys Knight & the Pip,
uh, the Two Tops,
and a Righteous Brother.
[ Chuckles ]
I'm going, on the odd chance I get to see One Dog Night.
[ Laughs ]
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded in front of
a live studio audience.
Harris? What happened? Are you okay?
She's fine. Are you the mom?
No, I'm the aunt.
What happened?
She got caught drinking in the woods
with some of her friends.
I'm the only one who didn't get away
because I was wearing heels.
Why were you wearing heels in the woods?
There was a guy there that I liked,
and I wanted my ass to look good.
You must be very proud.
Thank you, Officer. I can take it from here.
Fine. Just tell her parents
that she's been hanging with a bad crowd.
I really hope I don't have to come back to this house again.
That's what everyone says.
Come back here.
All right. Let's have the lecture.
Yeah, you're gonna get a lecture.
First, you got to figure out your escape route
before you get hammered.
And make sure it's downhill so if you trip,
you can roll out of danger.
Wait, what?
And if you're with a nerdy girl,
push her down at the first sight of trouble.
You get away, she gets a cool reputation --
it's a win-win.
Why are you telling me this?
Because even though I'm not happy that you were drinking,
I don't want you getting caught because your friends are stupid.
Thank you.
You know, I got to tell you,
I'm kind of surprised
that you're even helping me.
I didn't think you liked me.
Of course I like you. Why would you think that?
Because I've been here for a year,
and you've barely talked to me.
[ Sighs ] Okay. Sit down.
[ Sighs ]
Remember that Christmas when you were 8,
and I wanted you to see
what a really strong woman was,
so I showed you "Kill Bill"?
Yeah.
It was more decapitations
than I've seen before or since.
But your mom totally flipped out on me.
Ever since that, everything I do or say around you,
I'm worried your mom's gonna freak out about.
And I'm not judging your mom.
We're different people.
I'm cool, and she's an uptight psycho.
Are you cool enough to not tell my mom about tonight?
[ Sighs ]
Okay. Here's the deal.
Stop drinking in the woods...
and I'll give you this one pass as a cool aunt.
Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you!
It will never happen again.
But you can't ever tell her that I didn't tell her.
Why would I do that? That would be telling her.
There will be a time when you guys are hanging out
and you'll feel like you're friends
and you'll want to share everything.
Do not fall for that. It's a trap.
♪♪
Wow. Somebody's been to the back of her closet.
[ Laughing ] Yeah, well,
that's why I wore the shawl over here.
No, uh, Peter's doing a project
for his master's degree in Nordic history,
so we're simulating the daily life
of a couple in medieval Norway.
Why?
Uh, it's, uh, interdisciplinary study
where he's trying to document
the sociology of relationships at that time,
and unless we replicate the experiences exactly,
then it invalidates the study.
I haven't had enough coffee
to -- to have this conversation.
So you don't get to use any modern conveniences?
Well, you guys just don't know the joy
of living close to the earth.
Do you have a, um, wire brush I can borrow?
I have to scrape the fur off a squirrel.
You're eating a squirrel?
Well, many squirrels.
While they're hibernating, there's not a lot to 'em.
Okay, guys.
Here's your salami pancake sandwiches.
You may want to trade these.
Okay, who's using the washing machine?
Oh, I don't know, the people who live here?
[ Scoffs ]
Do you know Louise Goldufski?
She works at the restaurant now.
Yeah, she was in Dan and Roseanne's class.
Star of the talent show!
Every year, she and her stupid band would go long
while somebody with a very moving rifle-twirling routine
couldn't even get up on stage.
Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure she made a move on Dad yesterday.
[ Gasps ]
Ohh, you're kidding.
What did he do?
He had no clue. Oh, no. No.
He's been out of the game for too long.
He has no idea how vicious these gals can be.
With a fresh widower in their sights,
Dan's a mouse in a field,
and she's like this hawk with her talons out.
You've changed since you started hunting your own food.
I'm telling you -- he's a catch.
We should warn him.
It's weird. I've never thought of Dad as a catch.
Are you kidding me? At his age,
he can fall down and get up on his own --
The ladies love it!
I'm gonna grab a bite.
I'll be back later to do my laundry.
[ Doorbell rings ] I got it.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna be out in the yard.
I got to look for a stick in the shape of a fork.
Hi. Can I help you?
Is Harris Healy here?
Uh, n-no, she's in school. Is something wrong?
She left this in my squad car.
My daughter was in your car? Why?
I guess your sister didn't tell you.
I caught her in the woods drinking last night.
Wha-- You've got to be kidding me.
Um...okay.
Well, thank you for bringing her home safe.
By the way, there's gonna be reports
of screaming from this house later.
You guys should just ignore that.
Whatcha doin'?
Um, cutting vegetables with a rock.
You want to help me? It's infuriating.
[Speaking Old Norse] woman.
I bring nourishment from the sea.
Did you buy that at a store?
I got it from that fish market.
I bartered for it,
trading them zinc, nickel, and copper.
Some day, they will call them "coins."
I'm cutting a turnip with a rock,
and you went out and bought a fish.
Well, the important thing is that I have provided dinner
in a historically accurate way.
I will now leave you to clean the fish
while I retire to the living room
to play my shinbone flute.
No, no, no. No.
No. I scraped the fur off a squirrel.
You're gutting the fish.
I need a couple hours without the smell
of death on my fingers.
Viking women were often overwhelmed by their chores,
but generally suffered in silence.
[ Door opens, closes ] The only thing I know about Vikings is from "Hagar,"
and from what I remember, he and his wife
used to like to fight in the privacy of their own yurt.
Finally, the washer's free.
Have you guys had a little talk yet?
Little talk about what?
Nothing.
We were just talking about how well
you and Louise were getting along.
Open your eyes, Dan!
That man-eater's trying to get into your Kirklands.
It's true, Dad. I saw it myself.
She was totally flirting with you.
She was not!
Louise and I enjoy talking to each other
about back in the day, and that's it.
You're 1,000 years old.
You know what I'm talking about.
♪♪
Hey. Look what I found.
Oh, nice. Thanks. No. Not so fast.
A police officer said you left it in his car.
You want to explain that?
Oh. [ Sighs ]
You really want to know?
I'm dating a cop.
Wow. You go down swinging. I'll give you that.
You are grounded for three weeks.
Oh, come on!
Harris, is this what your life is gonna be now --
drinking in the woods with a bunch of idiots?
My friends aren't idiots.
And this is a ridiculous overreaction
for a couple of beers.
Harris, you are underage.
You cannot have any beers.
Get off my back.
I'm getting good grades,
and I scored really high on my ACTs.
It's not like I'm doing heroin.
It doesn't matter how smart you are. Don't you get it?
A few wrong moves, and you're screwed for life.
You want to end up like your Aunt Becky?
[ Door slams ]
Was Becky in the house?
She was doing laundry.
Damn it! And I almost said "Like your Uncle DJ."
Can we just sit and talk
like regular freakin' people just for a minute?
I can't do this anymore.
I'm cooking, I'm cleaning, I'm making sacrifices to Odin.
I haven't had a decent night's sleep or a meal
that my body knows how to digest in four days.
It's been hard on both of us,
but it's gonna make such a great paper.
Yeah, but I have to actually go out and strip a tree
in the park to make that paper.
This...is not working for me.
What are you talking about?
Look, I don't mind paying your tuition,
I don't mind running your errands,
and I don't mind doing all the housework.
What I'm trying to say is I do mind.
I mind it all.
You knew that I was finishing this degree when you met me.
And now when I'm under the most pressure,
you insinuate that I'm not bringing anything
to the relationship.
I'm not insinuating anything.
I'm outright telling you.
What do you want me to do?
Uh, wash a dish.
Run the vacuum cleaner.
Ask me how my day is going.
Chip in every once in a while for expenses.
Look, I'll t-- I'll tell you what.
In a month, when I finish writing up this paper,
I'll do all those things and more.
But right now, why don't you take
all that frustration out on the dough
and make the bread for tomorrow?
Well... [ Clears throat ]
I would, but I just got dragged away
by a wild boar, and I'm dead.
So while you mourn me,
my Viking soul is gonna be at McDonald's.
[ Chuckles ]
What am I doing? I can't wear this.
I'll look like an idiot.
Hey. Ready to go?
Yep. Just clocked out.
I got the tickets, I got the cushions for the seats,
and a little surprise we can all pass around.
Is it a football?
No, but it's as big as a football.
Sounds good.
Oh, your friends need a ride,
or are they meeting us there?
Um, they're gonna go on their own.
I just figured that we might want to
do something together after --
just the two of us.
If that's all right with you.
Can we maybe sit for a minute?
Sure.
Oh.
[ Chuckles nervously ]
Ah.
This is crazy, but I have to ask.
Becky and Jackie think that you're interested in me
in more than a just shooting- the-breeze kind of way.
Are you serious?
Yeah. Crazy, right?
No.
I mean, I can't believe you didn't pick up on it.
Every time you walk in here,
I am staring at you like you're a deep-dish pizza.
Let me help you figure it out.
We're both free, we like each other,
I've had a crush on you since I was 15,
but Roseanne already had her brand on you.
Well, she didn't actually brand me.
But there are some bruises that'll never go away.
Um, look, I'm just not ready for this.
Oh.
Anything I can do to change your mind?
I'm afraid not.
I still have a thing for my wife.
Look, Louise.
I really enjoy your company,
and I hope it's not gonna be weird
now that we're just friends.
Well...
the free beers are over.
I was -- I was really hoping
that I could get a little action for that.
We still going to the concert?
Of course.
But if I have a chance to score with a Dog Night or a Pip,
you better get out of my way.
Deal. Deal.
♪ Why don't you love me like you used to do? ♪
How'd you know I was here?
[ Sighs ] I know you like to play pool when you're upset,
and, um, we need to talk.
[ Balls clack ] No, we don't.
You were pretty clear.
Well [Scoffs] I was angry at Harris,
and I was angry at you.
I mean, you know that you should've told me what happened.
I told her not to drink.
But no matter what I did,
it doesn't change what you really think of me.
Okay, w-- uh, you know, I said it.
I can't take it back, so, you know,
what do you want me to do?
When all this crap went down
about my drinking and the baby,
and you said you believed in me
and that I could get through this, I thought,
"Maybe I'm not as messed up as I think I am."
But then I heard what you said,
and now I know that you were lying to me,
and that hurts.
No, I was not lying.
I do believe in you now.
But are you gonna stand there and tell me
you haven't made some really crappy choices in your life?
It's so easy for you to criticize now,
but where were you when I was making them?
[ Chuckling ] What's that supposed to mean?
When do you think the heavy drinking started?
When Mark died, I needed you.
I wrote to you and asked you to come.
Well, my life was falling apart, too.
My husband just left me with a 5-year-old kid,
and I was pregnant.
My husband died.
♪♪
Okay.
You win.
I did send you that care package
filled with crossword puzzles and candy.
[ Sarcastically ] Oh, yeah, those crossword puzzles
really helped.
It was nice to get away from being sad
and feel stupid for a while.
Hey, you want to play a game?
Oh, don't waste your time. She's pregnant.
And she's nasty.
I'm up for either.
Gross.
Pick up a damn cue so no one comes over again.
And you go first because you suck.
I mean as a person, not only as a pool player.
How come you didn't tell me you were so mad
when it was all happening?
Because I didn't want you to know how much I needed you.
Why?
Because you never need me.
I hate being the needy one.
When we were kids, I was the one who had it all together,
and you were just the depressed little freak.
Well, you should be in pig heaven now
because I'm a depressed adult freak
with just as many problems as you.
And...
you know, you think I don't need you?
Why do you think I came back here in the first place?
Not just for Mom and Dad.
Really?
You can't do that. You're not 4.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, my God.
How many times did I let you
move the ball in miniature golf?
There is no way to miss that shot.
You should get a brain scan immediately.
So...
where do we go from here?
Besides making jokes about brain tumors
when somebody misses a very difficult shot.
We make a pact to always be there for each other.
[ Balls clack, pocket thuds ]
Oh, pact seems a little binding.
[ Sighs ] How about a...loose agreement?
Fine.
But just for the record, you needed me first.
When Mom and Dad brought you home from the hospital,
I remember seeing your sweet, little face
and knowing that you really needed me to protect you.
Wait. Mom told me you tried to kill me when I was a baby.
Yeah, but something stopped me.
I think it was Dad.
[ Muffled ] You know, you really got to learn
how to read the signals that a woman is sending you.
Like, if a woman does this...
Huh? What does that mean?
You want me to check you for ticks.
No!
She's drawing attention to her neck.
You got to know these things.
Say you're sitting at a bar,
and a woman eats a chip like this.
She's not interested.
Now, if she eats a chip like this...
That means you're gonna be really unhappy
when you hear that Mary brought those chips back in
from the chicken coop.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, God!