1
00:00:03,500 --> 00:00:05,500
Becky: Hey,
you're all dressed up.

2
00:00:05,500 --> 00:00:06,880
You going to court?

3
00:00:08,210 --> 00:00:09,830
Unlike you,
people get dressed up

4
00:00:09,830 --> 00:00:14,000
for other reasons than trying
to beat a shoplifting charge.

5
00:00:14,000 --> 00:00:16,830
The saleswoman said I could walk
around in the shoes.

6
00:00:16,830 --> 00:00:20,330
I wanted to see
how they felt on the sidewalk.

7
00:00:20,330 --> 00:00:22,210
You're a criminal.

8
00:00:22,210 --> 00:00:24,290
I'm just trying to look nice
for work. That's all.

9
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:26,420
That is so cute!

10
00:00:26,420 --> 00:00:29,120
You're trying
to be a girl!

11
00:00:30,250 --> 00:00:32,380
This is obviously
about her new boss.

12
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:35,210
[ Gasps ] You have a crush
on your boss?
Ooh!

13
00:00:35,210 --> 00:00:37,620
No, I'm just trying
to be a professional.

14
00:00:37,620 --> 00:00:39,750
God, all I did was put on
a little makeup.

15
00:00:39,750 --> 00:00:41,580
I heard the blow dryer.

16
00:00:43,080 --> 00:00:46,540
I was blowing dust
out of the smoke alarms.

17
00:00:46,540 --> 00:00:49,580
Nice try.
They're all here!

18
00:00:49,580 --> 00:00:52,080
♪♪

19
00:00:52,080 --> 00:00:53,620
Do you ever worry that
some of the people

20
00:00:53,620 --> 00:00:56,210
in these mug shots
might be innocent.

21
00:00:56,210 --> 00:00:57,960
Eh, people can think
whatever they want.

22
00:00:57,960 --> 00:01:01,250
We're just reporting,
not passing judgment.

23
00:01:01,250 --> 00:01:03,170
Uh, the paper's called
Lock 'Em Up.

24
00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:04,170
It's kind of judge-y.

25
00:01:04,170 --> 00:01:06,250
[ Laughs ]

26
00:01:06,250 --> 00:01:07,330
Ooh.

27
00:01:07,330 --> 00:01:09,120
This one's kind of hot.

28
00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:10,830
Let's put her
on the front page.

29
00:01:10,830 --> 00:01:12,420
Oh, so that's
what you're attracted to?

30
00:01:12,420 --> 00:01:14,080
Blondes with most
of their teeth?

31
00:01:16,120 --> 00:01:17,620
I think you know exactly
the kind of woman

32
00:01:17,620 --> 00:01:19,170
I'm attracted to.

33
00:01:23,790 --> 00:01:25,120
[ Clears throat ]

34
00:01:36,670 --> 00:01:38,080
What are we doing?

35
00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:39,580
I work for you.

36
00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:42,620
I mean, this would be
complicated as hell.

37
00:01:42,620 --> 00:01:44,500
Yeah, you're right.

38
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:45,540
And as your employer,

39
00:01:45,540 --> 00:01:48,040
I cannot have you
feel uncomfortable

40
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,620
or pressured in any way.

41
00:01:49,620 --> 00:01:53,460
So...you're gonna have
to make a move on me.

42
00:01:56,620 --> 00:01:59,790
Do I look like a woman
with moves?

43
00:01:59,790 --> 00:02:02,500
Just do what you feel
is right.

44
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,460
I am going to pretend
to work

45
00:02:04,460 --> 00:02:07,210
and, uh, hope
for the best.

46
00:02:16,620 --> 00:02:19,960
You've got a Fuji apple sticker
on your ass.

47
00:02:21,290 --> 00:02:24,460
I believe
it's Golden Delicious.

48
00:02:28,830 --> 00:02:30,330
Can we just go back
to work?

49
00:02:30,330 --> 00:02:31,880
This is getting
too awkward.

50
00:02:31,880 --> 00:02:34,830
Yes, I agree.

51
00:02:34,830 --> 00:02:37,000
Um, can I borrow
your stapler?

52
00:02:37,000 --> 00:02:39,080
Yes, sure.

53
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:54,380
♪♪

54
00:02:54,380 --> 00:03:02,880
♪♪

55
00:03:02,880 --> 00:03:11,380
♪♪

56
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:13,380
♪♪

57
00:03:22,790 --> 00:03:23,920
"The Conners" is recorded

58
00:03:23,920 --> 00:03:25,380
in front of
a live studio audience.

59
00:03:25,380 --> 00:03:27,620
I'm done with my list!

60
00:03:27,620 --> 00:03:30,080
We made our Christmas lists
for you, Grandpa Dan.

61
00:03:30,080 --> 00:03:31,460
They're just suggestions.

62
00:03:31,460 --> 00:03:32,540
Don't get your hopes up.

63
00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:34,040
You're getting underwear
and a popcorn tin

64
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,540
from the drug store.

65
00:03:37,460 --> 00:03:40,420
So, we're not getting anything
we want?

66
00:03:40,420 --> 00:03:44,380
You really break my heart
when you put it like that.

67
00:03:44,380 --> 00:03:45,620
But no.

68
00:03:46,540 --> 00:03:49,210
But I really want
a Plushy Pet backpack.

69
00:03:49,210 --> 00:03:50,580
It talks to you.

70
00:03:50,580 --> 00:03:51,960
But Mark talks to you.

71
00:03:51,960 --> 00:03:56,080
You don't want him to feel like
he's being replaced, do you?

72
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:58,620
You know what won't
make him feel bad?

73
00:03:58,620 --> 00:03:59,790
Crayons.

74
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:02,500
Hi, guys.

75
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,790
Grandpa wants to give me crayons
for Christmas.

76
00:04:04,790 --> 00:04:08,420
Well, we'll call Child Services
and let them sort it out.

77
00:04:10,080 --> 00:04:13,830
You know, Mary, most people
refer to them as Crayolas,

78
00:04:13,830 --> 00:04:15,290
but that's really
a brand name,

79
00:04:15,290 --> 00:04:17,500
like Kleenex
or cellophane.

80
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:21,120
Crayola comes from the French
word "craie," meaning "chalk,"

81
00:04:21,120 --> 00:04:23,790
and "oleaginous,"
meaning "oily."

82
00:04:25,460 --> 00:04:27,080
Can we go
to school now?

83
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:31,500
I see I've awakened the
educational curiosity in you.

84
00:04:31,500 --> 00:04:33,710
Oh, for God's sake,
let 'em go.

85
00:04:35,620 --> 00:04:37,620
I'll help you pack 'em up,
Deej.

86
00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:39,120
Dan,
Peter wants to talk to you.

87
00:04:39,120 --> 00:04:41,120
He has a bike
that needs restoring.

88
00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:43,790
Well, you've come
to the right place.

89
00:04:43,790 --> 00:04:45,790
We do the same quality work
as the big guys

90
00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:49,540
but cut a lot of corners
and pass the savings on to me.

91
00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:00,790
This isn't a bike.

92
00:05:00,790 --> 00:05:03,790
This is what you feed
to other bikes.

93
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:05,960
It's a classic Vespa.

94
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,380
Did you ever see
"Roman Holiday"

95
00:05:07,380 --> 00:05:09,290
with Audrey Hepburn
and Gregory Peck?

96
00:05:09,290 --> 00:05:11,620
It's on my "After I Die"
bucket list.

97
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,880
I'm sorry.
I don't fix foreign bikes.

98
00:05:14,880 --> 00:05:16,670
Ah, come on.

99
00:05:16,670 --> 00:05:18,330
I saw a bike like this
in that movie,

100
00:05:18,330 --> 00:05:20,000
and I fell in love
with it.

101
00:05:20,000 --> 00:05:22,330
The whole experience just made
me want to move to Italy.

102
00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:24,330
Well, you know,
it's still there.

103
00:05:25,670 --> 00:05:26,830
So, Dan?

104
00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:28,500
What do you think
of the Vespa?

105
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,380
Well, like I told
Audrey Hepburn here,

106
00:05:30,380 --> 00:05:33,000
I don't fix
foreign bikes.

107
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,880
Peter, could you get
the kids' Christmas presents

108
00:05:34,880 --> 00:05:36,080
out of the trunk?

109
00:05:36,080 --> 00:05:38,080
I'll take Audrey
or Katharine.

110
00:05:38,080 --> 00:05:40,830
You can't hurt me
by comparing me to a Hepburn.

111
00:05:43,710 --> 00:05:45,540
Come on.

112
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:47,540
Dan, I bought it for Peter
for Christmas

113
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:49,040
because I knew
you could restore it.

114
00:05:49,040 --> 00:05:50,710
You bought this
for him?

115
00:05:50,710 --> 00:05:52,750
That's got to be
at least three grand.

116
00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,170
You don't have
that kind of money.

117
00:05:54,170 --> 00:05:56,580
I know it's a lot,
but we're both gonna enjoy it.

118
00:05:56,580 --> 00:05:57,790
Me sitting behind him,

119
00:05:57,790 --> 00:05:59,420
my cheek pressed
against his back

120
00:05:59,420 --> 00:06:02,080
as we glide past
the Trevi fountain.

121
00:06:02,080 --> 00:06:04,380
That's Rome.
This is Lanford.

122
00:06:04,380 --> 00:06:05,920
We don't have fountains.

123
00:06:05,920 --> 00:06:08,540
We have a pipe that
spills sewage into the river.

124
00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:12,040
You're doing it for me,
not for him.

125
00:06:12,040 --> 00:06:13,790
Definitely not doing it
for him.

126
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:15,250
You sure you're gonna be riding
on this thing?

127
00:06:15,250 --> 00:06:16,210
Of course I am.

128
00:06:16,210 --> 00:06:17,380
Okay, then.

129
00:06:17,380 --> 00:06:19,120
I'll make sure
the brakes work, too.

130
00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:23,250
♪♪

131
00:06:23,250 --> 00:06:27,380
So, how was work
with hunky boss man?

132
00:06:27,380 --> 00:06:30,290
Um, we, you know,
got along fine.

133
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:31,880
Fine?

134
00:06:31,880 --> 00:06:35,460
That's your version
of being overjoyed.

135
00:06:35,460 --> 00:06:37,330
You had sex with him.

136
00:06:38,670 --> 00:06:41,750
All I did was borrow
his stapler,

137
00:06:41,750 --> 00:06:44,120
and then thank him.

138
00:06:44,120 --> 00:06:45,920
Twice on his desk.

139
00:06:48,080 --> 00:06:50,080
And how was it?

140
00:06:50,080 --> 00:06:52,580
Well, if you got to know,
um...

141
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,960
the sex was incredible.

142
00:06:54,960 --> 00:06:57,420
So you've only had sex
with two guys,

143
00:06:57,420 --> 00:06:59,790
so you don't know good
from bad.

144
00:06:59,790 --> 00:07:01,790
Let's just say
it was average.

145
00:07:02,750 --> 00:07:04,170
Well,
Ben must've liked it.

146
00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:06,420
He asked me over
to his apartment for dinner,

147
00:07:06,420 --> 00:07:08,580
and I can't wait to go.

148
00:07:08,580 --> 00:07:11,080
Oh, so it's gonna be
a relationship.

149
00:07:11,080 --> 00:07:13,960
I smell disaster.

150
00:07:13,960 --> 00:07:15,790
Look, I know
you're thinking that

151
00:07:15,790 --> 00:07:17,330
because I'm so spun out
over Mom

152
00:07:17,330 --> 00:07:19,500
and divorcing David
and money problems.

153
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:21,540
You think I'm moving faster
than I should

154
00:07:21,540 --> 00:07:23,790
because I'm just looking
for a quick emotional fix.

155
00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:26,960
No, this isn't about you being
an emotional train wreck.

156
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:28,210
That's too obvious.

157
00:07:29,620 --> 00:07:31,710
This is about
your uncanny ability

158
00:07:31,710 --> 00:07:33,620
to pick the wrong guy
for you.

159
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,000
It's nice to be able
to share this with you.

160
00:07:36,000 --> 00:07:38,290
And you're completely wrong.

161
00:07:38,290 --> 00:07:40,290
Ben is finally
the right guy.

162
00:07:40,290 --> 00:07:43,290
He's strong and confident,
and he knows what he wants.

163
00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,790
That's even worse.

164
00:07:45,790 --> 00:07:48,790
That's like two stubborn trains
heading towards each other

165
00:07:48,790 --> 00:07:49,790
on the same track.

166
00:07:49,790 --> 00:07:51,040
[ Imitates crash ]

167
00:07:52,460 --> 00:07:54,380
You think I'm locked
into this little prison

168
00:07:54,380 --> 00:07:55,500
that I made for myself

169
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,120
dating meek guys
that I can push around,

170
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,460
and it's not true --
I've changed.

171
00:07:58,460 --> 00:07:59,540
Really?

172
00:07:59,540 --> 00:08:01,710
We shared a room
for years.

173
00:08:01,710 --> 00:08:04,170
When you accused me of having
my Marky Mark poster

174
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:07,830
on your side of the room,
instead of asking me to move it,

175
00:08:07,830 --> 00:08:09,710
you cut out
Marky's eyes.

176
00:08:11,830 --> 00:08:15,170
I've just never seen you
this excited about a guy.

177
00:08:15,170 --> 00:08:16,670
I don't want you
to fool yourself

178
00:08:16,670 --> 00:08:21,000
into thinking it's gonna be
all unicorns and rainbows.

179
00:08:21,000 --> 00:08:25,670
Be prepared for a rainstorm
and a horse head in the bed.

180
00:08:25,670 --> 00:08:29,000
Wow, most pregnant women
are positive.

181
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:30,830
That's gonna be
one bitter little baby

182
00:08:30,830 --> 00:08:32,830
when it finally makes a break
for it.

183
00:08:38,830 --> 00:08:40,210
Hey, Dan.

184
00:08:40,210 --> 00:08:42,040
Jackie said
I could find you here.

185
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:45,120
Yeah, I like it here.

186
00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:47,250
The food's bad,
and that keeps people away

187
00:08:47,250 --> 00:08:49,960
so I can drink in peace.

188
00:08:49,960 --> 00:08:51,790
I just wanted to pay you
for the parts

189
00:08:51,790 --> 00:08:53,380
so that you could get
started.

190
00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:54,880
Are you okay
with a check?

191
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:56,790
Sure.
If it bounces,

192
00:08:56,790 --> 00:08:59,620
you're not gonna outrun me
on Barbie's Dream Scooter.

193
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:07,710
Oh, you and Jackie have
an account together.

194
00:09:07,710 --> 00:09:09,250
When did this happen?

195
00:09:09,250 --> 00:09:10,210
Last week.

196
00:09:10,210 --> 00:09:11,460
We put my name
on her account

197
00:09:11,460 --> 00:09:13,080
so that we could save money
on fees

198
00:09:13,080 --> 00:09:15,380
by commingling
our finances.

199
00:09:15,380 --> 00:09:17,880
No biggie.

200
00:09:17,880 --> 00:09:20,620
Commingling means two people
mingling money.

201
00:09:20,620 --> 00:09:22,750
Do you have anything
to mingle?

202
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:24,120
Not at the moment.

203
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:26,620
I thought the master's
in Medieval Culture

204
00:09:26,620 --> 00:09:30,250
would've appealed
to a wider array of employers.

205
00:09:31,830 --> 00:09:33,290
But now I'm
on the right track

206
00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:36,580
with Nordic history, music,
and dance.

207
00:09:38,120 --> 00:09:40,420
Look,
Jackie's a good person,

208
00:09:40,420 --> 00:09:42,830
and she's been single
a long time,

209
00:09:42,830 --> 00:09:45,330
so her guard may not be up
right now,

210
00:09:45,330 --> 00:09:47,420
but mine is.

211
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:49,670
You're taking advantage
of my sister-in-law.

212
00:09:49,670 --> 00:09:50,750
No, I'm not.

213
00:09:50,750 --> 00:09:52,460
I'm gonna pay her back
every penny,

214
00:09:52,460 --> 00:09:53,960
including tuition.

215
00:09:53,960 --> 00:09:55,580
She's paying
your tuition?

216
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:57,290
That's between me
and Jackie.

217
00:09:57,290 --> 00:09:58,790
Just fix the bike.

218
00:09:58,790 --> 00:10:00,620
That's supposedly
what you're good at.

219
00:10:01,460 --> 00:10:03,250
Excuse me?

220
00:10:03,250 --> 00:10:04,330
[ Sighs ]

221
00:10:04,330 --> 00:10:06,960
Don't start a war of wits
with me, Dan.

222
00:10:06,960 --> 00:10:08,620
You're unarmed.

223
00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:13,790
Touché.
And since I am without wit,

224
00:10:13,790 --> 00:10:14,880
I'll take you out back

225
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,670
and rub your face
against the bricks.

226
00:10:17,670 --> 00:10:18,790
Mm, of course.

227
00:10:18,790 --> 00:10:21,460
The uneducated man
resorts to violence.

228
00:10:21,460 --> 00:10:24,120
So predictable.

229
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:25,960
Excuse me.
Hold on.

230
00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,540
Don't leave
without your check.

231
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,040
Ow.

232
00:10:32,880 --> 00:10:34,790
[ Knock on door ]

233
00:10:37,670 --> 00:10:38,790
Hey.

234
00:10:38,790 --> 00:10:40,620
Right on time.

235
00:10:40,620 --> 00:10:42,210
You look beautiful.

236
00:10:42,210 --> 00:10:44,460
I already slept with you,
so let's just be cool.

237
00:10:44,460 --> 00:10:45,960
[ Laughs ]

238
00:10:48,830 --> 00:10:51,040
Oh, oh.
I'm so sorry,

239
00:10:51,040 --> 00:10:54,670
but would you mind
just taking off your shoes?

240
00:10:54,670 --> 00:10:56,500
I, uh -- I read
this scientific thing

241
00:10:56,500 --> 00:10:57,880
about what you bring
into your house

242
00:10:57,880 --> 00:10:59,330
on the bottom of your shoes,

243
00:10:59,330 --> 00:11:01,500
and it kind of
freaked me out.

244
00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:03,500
Oh, yeah, did you not know
the ground was dirty

245
00:11:03,500 --> 00:11:04,500
before reading that?

246
00:11:04,500 --> 00:11:06,080
[ Laughs ]

247
00:11:06,080 --> 00:11:09,580
But, um, still just rather
not take my shoes off,

248
00:11:09,580 --> 00:11:12,170
makes me feel shorter.

249
00:11:12,170 --> 00:11:14,330
I'd rather you would.

250
00:11:15,830 --> 00:11:17,170
Okay.

251
00:11:19,500 --> 00:11:20,710
Oh.

252
00:11:20,710 --> 00:11:22,000
Oh, let's just...

253
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:28,420
So, I am making vegan paella,
huh?

254
00:11:28,420 --> 00:11:32,080
So if you would like to open up
a bottle of wine,

255
00:11:32,080 --> 00:11:34,960
anything red on the bottom row
should be fine.

256
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:36,920
Oh, this white looks
pretty good.

257
00:11:36,920 --> 00:11:41,880
Oh, uh, actually,
red usually stands up better

258
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:44,120
to a tomato-sauce base.

259
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,790
Any bottle
on the bottom row there.

260
00:11:45,790 --> 00:11:47,790
You know, the red.

261
00:11:47,790 --> 00:11:51,880
Uh, if you hate it,
then we can open up a white.

262
00:11:51,880 --> 00:11:54,750
Yeah, I just tried it
in my mind, and I hated it.

263
00:11:54,750 --> 00:11:56,540
[ Chuckles ]

264
00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:58,750
Well, try it in a glass.

265
00:11:58,750 --> 00:12:00,790
You might like it.

266
00:12:00,790 --> 00:12:03,250
Uh, how about I just help you
with the food?

267
00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:04,420
Sure,
that would be great.

268
00:12:04,420 --> 00:12:05,790
You can stir the paella.

269
00:12:11,420 --> 00:12:14,500
Hey,
I'm glad you're here.

270
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:15,830
Me, too.

271
00:12:21,960 --> 00:12:24,500
Huh?

272
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:28,120
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

273
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,170
It's better to add salt
at the table.

274
00:12:31,170 --> 00:12:33,080
Well, let me just add
a little,

275
00:12:33,080 --> 00:12:34,920
and you'll see
that you like it.

276
00:12:36,330 --> 00:12:38,620
I tried it in my mind,
and I hated it.

277
00:12:40,460 --> 00:12:43,460
You can't just grab something
out of my hand like I'm a child.

278
00:12:43,460 --> 00:12:45,080
I'm sorry.

279
00:12:45,080 --> 00:12:46,330
May I have the salt?

280
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,290
No.
Please let go.

281
00:12:48,290 --> 00:12:49,250
No, you let go.

282
00:12:49,250 --> 00:12:50,250
It's my salt.

283
00:12:50,250 --> 00:12:51,250
I'll buy you a new one.

284
00:12:51,250 --> 00:12:53,170
I asked you to stir,
not season.

285
00:12:53,170 --> 00:12:54,620
I thought
you're glad I'm here.

286
00:12:54,620 --> 00:12:57,330
I am. I'm just not glad
you're seasoning.

287
00:12:57,330 --> 00:12:59,330
Why are you fighting
with me?

288
00:12:59,330 --> 00:13:00,710
I --

289
00:13:00,710 --> 00:13:02,960
Man, I spent hours
getting everything ready

290
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:04,960
to show you
a nice evening.

291
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:07,790
Why can't you just relax,
enjoy yourself?

292
00:13:07,790 --> 00:13:10,120
Why can't you just let me
enjoy myself

293
00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,210
the way
I want to enjoy myself?

294
00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:14,620
Because the only way
that you can enjoy yourself

295
00:13:14,620 --> 00:13:17,460
is by making me
not enjoy myself.

296
00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,290
Oh, well, I'm sorry
I'm ruining your evening.

297
00:13:20,290 --> 00:13:21,460
I'm getting my shoes.

298
00:13:21,460 --> 00:13:23,120
You can't wear them
in here.

299
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,460
I know.

300
00:13:25,540 --> 00:13:26,620
Well,
where are you going?

301
00:13:26,620 --> 00:13:29,500
Home, to cook in my shoes
and salt everything.

302
00:13:33,830 --> 00:13:35,170
-Hi, there.
-Oh, hi.

303
00:13:35,170 --> 00:13:36,500
What are you doing here?

304
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,170
I-I'm sorry.
That sounded rude.

305
00:13:38,170 --> 00:13:40,250
Uh, what are you doing here
instead of David,

306
00:13:40,250 --> 00:13:42,710
who I wish was here
instead of you?

307
00:13:42,710 --> 00:13:44,170
Well, he couldn't come,

308
00:13:44,170 --> 00:13:47,250
so I'll be going over the kids'
Christmas lists with you.

309
00:13:47,250 --> 00:13:49,500
I'll just wait for you
at that table.

310
00:13:50,420 --> 00:13:51,500
Just throw something
in a cup.

311
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,170
I got to get out of here.

312
00:13:54,170 --> 00:13:55,830
The real reason I'm here

313
00:13:55,830 --> 00:13:58,500
is I'm having some problems
with David.

314
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:01,210
Mm.

315
00:14:01,210 --> 00:14:03,670
Well, look, I really don't
want to get involved,

316
00:14:03,670 --> 00:14:05,000
and I got to go back
to the counter

317
00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,170
so someone
doesn't grab my c--

318
00:14:06,170 --> 00:14:07,330
Oh.

319
00:14:07,330 --> 00:14:09,170
Thank you for doing something
you guys rarely do

320
00:14:09,170 --> 00:14:12,170
at the worst possible time.

321
00:14:12,170 --> 00:14:15,120
Okay, so, the problem
with David

322
00:14:15,120 --> 00:14:17,380
is he's afraid
to make decisions.

323
00:14:17,380 --> 00:14:19,380
It doesn't matter
if it's choosing a doctor

324
00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:21,210
or potato chips.

325
00:14:21,210 --> 00:14:22,960
How did you deal
with that?

326
00:14:22,960 --> 00:14:24,420
I can't help you.
I found the fact

327
00:14:24,420 --> 00:14:25,750
that he was born
without a backbone

328
00:14:25,750 --> 00:14:29,210
one of his best features.
[ Scoffs ]

329
00:14:29,210 --> 00:14:32,210
I guess I'm just gonna have
to get him to see a therapist.

330
00:14:32,210 --> 00:14:33,460
Just don't over-fix him.

331
00:14:33,460 --> 00:14:35,380
There are guys that want
to make all the decisions,

332
00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,790
and that's
way more annoying.

333
00:14:38,960 --> 00:14:41,120
You seem super tense.

334
00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,960
Uh, what ya doing there?

335
00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:50,960
I used to be
a massage therapist.

336
00:14:50,960 --> 00:14:52,920
Are you dating a guy
who's bossy?

337
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:56,710
Uh, I-I really don't want
to talk about this with you.

338
00:14:56,710 --> 00:15:00,750
Sometimes saying it out loud
really helps.

339
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:03,170
Just pretend
like I'm not even here.

340
00:15:03,170 --> 00:15:05,750
Oh, I like that.

341
00:15:05,750 --> 00:15:08,120
Um...

342
00:15:08,120 --> 00:15:10,670
All right, uh,
I started dating my boss.

343
00:15:10,670 --> 00:15:14,120
He's really controlling,
and, you know,

344
00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:15,580
I don't think
it's gonna work out.

345
00:15:15,580 --> 00:15:17,460
Well, one thing I learned
in a previous job,

346
00:15:17,460 --> 00:15:19,290
before massage therapy,

347
00:15:19,290 --> 00:15:22,920
is that people who have
a lot of responsibilities,

348
00:15:22,920 --> 00:15:26,420
secretly, they want to give up
control to someone else.

349
00:15:26,420 --> 00:15:29,420
Nobody I know.

350
00:15:29,420 --> 00:15:30,620
Oh, believe me.

351
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:33,670
Once they were strapped in
and had the mask on

352
00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:36,920
and gave up total control
to me,

353
00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,540
they --
they seemed pretty happy.

354
00:15:39,540 --> 00:15:41,120
[ Laughs ]

355
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:42,460
[ Chuckles ]

356
00:15:42,460 --> 00:15:45,000
Um, unless you were
an anesthesiologist,

357
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:48,290
I think you're telling me
you were a dominatrix.

358
00:15:48,290 --> 00:15:49,790
It was a long time ago,

359
00:15:49,790 --> 00:15:53,170
and I was the opposite
of an anesthesiologist.

360
00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:56,000
I, you know, brought
a lot of pain.

361
00:15:59,880 --> 00:16:01,290
And the one thing
I learned

362
00:16:01,290 --> 00:16:05,290
is that giving up control
can make people happier.

363
00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:06,620
Yeah, not this guy.

364
00:16:06,620 --> 00:16:09,830
He wouldn't even give up
the salt.

365
00:16:09,830 --> 00:16:11,540
I'm talking about you.

366
00:16:11,540 --> 00:16:13,290
Give him a chance to lead.

367
00:16:13,290 --> 00:16:14,790
You might like it.

368
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:17,620
Well,
thanks for the advice.

369
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:21,500
Oh, and by the way,

370
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:23,500
now that I know
you're a dominatrix,

371
00:16:23,500 --> 00:16:25,830
you and David make
way more sense.

372
00:16:29,330 --> 00:16:32,170
I'm here to write you a check
for the Vespa parts.

373
00:16:33,000 --> 00:16:36,580
Heard you had a nice chat
with Peter.

374
00:16:36,580 --> 00:16:38,710
We had a chat.

375
00:16:38,710 --> 00:16:40,540
What'd you talk about?

376
00:16:40,540 --> 00:16:43,670
Oh, we touched on
a lot of things.

377
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:47,330
We had a wide-ranging discussion
about a variety of topics.

378
00:16:49,170 --> 00:16:54,080
Did you threaten to loofah
his face with a brick wall?

379
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:56,420
We may have covered that.

380
00:16:56,420 --> 00:16:58,420
And did you talk about
how you think

381
00:16:58,420 --> 00:17:00,080
he's taking advantage of me

382
00:17:00,080 --> 00:17:02,460
and how I'm
a stupid old woman?

383
00:17:02,460 --> 00:17:03,460
No.

384
00:17:03,460 --> 00:17:04,960
Have you noticed
that I'm talking

385
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:07,250
increasingly louder
and louder?

386
00:17:07,250 --> 00:17:09,750
I -- I had begun to notice that,
yes.

387
00:17:09,750 --> 00:17:12,040
How dare you talk
to my boyfriend

388
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,710
about things that are private
between him and me?

389
00:17:14,710 --> 00:17:16,540
You're in denial
about this guy.

390
00:17:16,540 --> 00:17:19,250
All you do is give,
and all he does is take.

391
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:20,710
You're totally wrong.

392
00:17:20,710 --> 00:17:22,380
He treats me well, Dan.

393
00:17:22,380 --> 00:17:25,880
It's an equal relationship,
and he gives me so much.

394
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:27,290
We have fun together.

395
00:17:27,290 --> 00:17:30,040
We talk.
We -- We -- We discuss books.

396
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,120
He brings me pancakes
in bed.

397
00:17:32,120 --> 00:17:34,960
I don't think you understand
how much pancakes cost.

398
00:17:37,040 --> 00:17:38,710
You asked me to be
a sounding board

399
00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,460
like Rosie used to be.

400
00:17:40,460 --> 00:17:42,250
I'm just doing
what she would've done.

401
00:17:42,250 --> 00:17:45,250
Roseanne would've
come to me first

402
00:17:45,250 --> 00:17:47,250
and tried to break down
my self-esteem

403
00:17:47,250 --> 00:17:48,330
until I broke up with him,

404
00:17:48,330 --> 00:17:52,790
and you did not show me
the same respect.

405
00:17:52,790 --> 00:17:55,250
Look, I'm keeping my eye
on this guy.

406
00:17:55,250 --> 00:17:56,960
I don't want to see you
get hurt.

407
00:17:56,960 --> 00:17:58,250
Well,
thank you for caring.

408
00:17:58,250 --> 00:18:00,250
I'm a grown woman.
I can handle myself.

409
00:18:00,250 --> 00:18:01,960
Do we understand
each other?
We do.

410
00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:03,790
And we both know
that we love each other.
We do.

411
00:18:03,790 --> 00:18:05,620
And if you ever do something
like this again,

412
00:18:05,620 --> 00:18:08,250
I will move in here,
and so help me,

413
00:18:08,250 --> 00:18:11,120
I will bring Mom
with me.

414
00:18:15,750 --> 00:18:17,750
Morning.

415
00:18:17,750 --> 00:18:19,290
Good morning.

416
00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:24,580
Okay, come on. Are we gonna talk
about last night or what?

417
00:18:24,580 --> 00:18:26,290
Oh, not necessary.

418
00:18:26,290 --> 00:18:27,670
Last night was personal.

419
00:18:27,670 --> 00:18:28,710
This is business.

420
00:18:28,710 --> 00:18:30,120
Let's just work.

421
00:18:30,120 --> 00:18:31,670
If that's what you want.

422
00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:36,170
So, I know you wanted
to do a cover of mug shots,

423
00:18:36,170 --> 00:18:37,670
people who were all born
this month

424
00:18:37,670 --> 00:18:40,210
and call it
"Born Under a Bad Sign,"

425
00:18:40,210 --> 00:18:44,960
but I was thinking of doing
a grouping by hair color

426
00:18:44,960 --> 00:18:48,960
and calling it
"Blondes Have More Guns."

427
00:18:53,330 --> 00:18:54,790
Sounds fine.

428
00:18:54,790 --> 00:18:58,330
That's a weird way
of saying something sucks.

429
00:18:58,330 --> 00:19:00,500
No, really.
It's fine.

430
00:19:00,500 --> 00:19:02,670
Um, certainly not worth
fighting over.

431
00:19:03,790 --> 00:19:06,790
Well, since you're in
such an agreeable mood,

432
00:19:06,790 --> 00:19:09,170
here's another idea
I just had.

433
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:11,830
We do an all-woman edition
under the headline

434
00:19:11,830 --> 00:19:13,670
"Bitches Be Crazy."

435
00:19:18,830 --> 00:19:20,500
That may not be
well-received.

436
00:19:22,080 --> 00:19:23,830
I think you're pushing
my buttons,

437
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,000
but I'm not gonna
give in.

438
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:26,670
I'm just gonna sit here
and try to find

439
00:19:26,670 --> 00:19:29,380
the pressure points
that my dominatrix taught me.

440
00:19:34,710 --> 00:19:36,000
More on that later.

441
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,420
But...

442
00:19:37,420 --> 00:19:39,920
Come on. Let's talk about
last night, please?

443
00:19:39,920 --> 00:19:43,250
I am sorry
that I got upset.

444
00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,330
You know, I'm just used to being
the only alpha

445
00:19:45,330 --> 00:19:47,170
in a relationship.

446
00:19:47,170 --> 00:19:49,080
Me too.

447
00:19:49,080 --> 00:19:51,960
Can two alphas have
a relationship that works?

448
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:55,210
Both of us
just have to let go.

449
00:19:55,210 --> 00:19:58,710
So, you're saying we just have
a relationship

450
00:19:58,710 --> 00:20:01,710
with no plan at all,
no safeguards,

451
00:20:01,710 --> 00:20:03,580
nobody leading,
just trust --

452
00:20:03,580 --> 00:20:05,040
Oh, I can't breathe.

453
00:20:07,290 --> 00:20:11,290
Okay, so,
I am gonna trust you.

454
00:20:11,290 --> 00:20:13,710
You're gonna trust me.

455
00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:16,540
And we may end up ripping
each other's hearts out.

456
00:20:18,040 --> 00:20:19,790
I'm in.

457
00:20:19,790 --> 00:20:21,210
Me too.

458
00:20:26,210 --> 00:20:28,540
All right,
let's get back to work.

459
00:20:30,830 --> 00:20:34,290
Hey, who tore the eyes
out of the hot blonde

460
00:20:34,290 --> 00:20:35,790
that was going
on the cover?

461
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:40,330
Could've been anybody.
Bitches be crazy.

462
00:20:46,460 --> 00:20:47,750
Harris: Can I talk to you guys
for a minute?

463
00:20:47,750 --> 00:20:50,080
I have a question
about relationships.

464
00:20:50,080 --> 00:20:53,620
[ Both groan ]

465
00:20:53,620 --> 00:20:56,420
Okay, so, there's this boy
at school that I want to date,

466
00:20:56,420 --> 00:20:58,170
but he wants me
to be exclusive.

467
00:20:58,170 --> 00:20:59,290
How do I decide?

468
00:20:59,290 --> 00:21:01,330
Don't ask anybody
about your relationships.

469
00:21:01,330 --> 00:21:03,080
They just want to get
all up in your business.

470
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:04,250
It's a big aggravation.

471
00:21:04,250 --> 00:21:06,170
Die alone.
It's easier.

472
00:21:08,290 --> 00:21:09,080
Mom?

473
00:21:09,080 --> 00:21:10,920
Oh, man.

474
00:21:10,920 --> 00:21:13,620
Relationship dynamics
are so complicated.

475
00:21:13,620 --> 00:21:15,460
You zig,
and then they zag,

476
00:21:15,460 --> 00:21:17,790
then you zig,
and then they zig.

477
00:21:17,790 --> 00:21:20,960
It's all like
one big cosmic yank.

478
00:21:20,960 --> 00:21:22,960
I guess
I'll go ask Aunt Becky.

479
00:21:22,960 --> 00:21:24,000
No, no, no, no!
No, no!

480
00:21:24,000 --> 00:21:26,330
Tell us more!
Tell us more about this boy.