1 00:00:01,790 --> 00:00:04,080 ♪♪ 2 00:00:04,080 --> 00:00:06,960 Just so you know, I had the chicken tacos last night, 3 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:10,040 and my stomach's doing somersaults. 4 00:00:10,040 --> 00:00:11,120 Uh... 5 00:00:11,120 --> 00:00:13,710 But our specials look good. 6 00:00:13,710 --> 00:00:15,670 We have tilapia, 7 00:00:15,670 --> 00:00:19,000 which is some kind of a greasy white fish... 8 00:00:20,750 --> 00:00:23,540 ...floating in cheese. 9 00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,580 Please don't make me carry that out here. 10 00:00:27,830 --> 00:00:30,080 Now that you mention it, that's exactly what I want. 11 00:00:31,420 --> 00:00:33,250 I'm gonna go exotic tonight, Beck. 12 00:00:33,250 --> 00:00:34,540 I'll have the pupusas. 13 00:00:34,540 --> 00:00:37,880 Take me away to El Salvador. 14 00:00:37,880 --> 00:00:39,580 Look, that's fried, 15 00:00:39,580 --> 00:00:41,790 and that's covered in some kind of chunky sauce. 16 00:00:41,790 --> 00:00:43,710 I can't do that right now. 17 00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,670 Oh, um... 18 00:00:45,670 --> 00:00:47,420 You go first, Neil. I'm still looking. 19 00:00:47,420 --> 00:00:50,420 Okay. Uh, I would love the three shrimp tacos. 20 00:00:50,420 --> 00:00:51,750 Pick something else. 21 00:00:51,750 --> 00:00:53,960 A lot of shrimp is peeled by Thai kids 22 00:00:53,960 --> 00:00:55,170 forced into slave labor, 23 00:00:55,170 --> 00:00:56,620 so you think you're eating scampi, 24 00:00:56,620 --> 00:00:58,120 but really you're exploiting children. 25 00:00:59,750 --> 00:01:02,500 I got an idea. What if I just had one small shrimp taco, 26 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:04,000 and I feel bad about it? 27 00:01:05,580 --> 00:01:07,040 Have the chile relleno. 28 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,790 They're really good here. They're vegan. 29 00:01:08,790 --> 00:01:11,040 Yeah, I don't really like those. 30 00:01:11,040 --> 00:01:12,290 No, you will. 31 00:01:13,790 --> 00:01:15,540 Could you guys hurry up? 32 00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:18,330 I'm riding out this wave here. 33 00:01:18,330 --> 00:01:20,210 I'll have a shrimp burrito, 34 00:01:20,210 --> 00:01:22,920 and I'll have Neil's shrimp tacos. 35 00:01:22,920 --> 00:01:26,580 I don't know if it's those Thai kids' sweat or tears, 36 00:01:26,580 --> 00:01:28,040 but they're delicious. 37 00:01:33,620 --> 00:01:36,620 Hey. I'm not buying this food poisoning thing. 38 00:01:36,620 --> 00:01:37,830 I think you're hung over. 39 00:01:37,830 --> 00:01:39,580 I'm not hung over. 40 00:01:39,580 --> 00:01:41,250 Hold on. 41 00:01:41,250 --> 00:01:43,880 You're gonna have to eat this way down there. 42 00:01:47,210 --> 00:01:48,880 You and I are going to a meeting tonight. 43 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,170 So, Neil, what do you do for a living? 44 00:01:52,170 --> 00:01:53,580 Uh, I'm a preschool teacher. 45 00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,250 Preschool, huh? 46 00:01:55,250 --> 00:01:57,250 What's that, like, playing with blocks and stuff? 47 00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,290 [ Laughing ] Blocks and stuff? 48 00:01:59,290 --> 00:02:02,210 Dan, they are so far beyond that now. 49 00:02:02,210 --> 00:02:05,170 Oh, no, actually, no, blocks are a big part of it. 50 00:02:05,170 --> 00:02:07,290 Oh, well, the old ways are still the best ways. 51 00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:11,540 We try to inspire the children's imagination 52 00:02:11,540 --> 00:02:16,120 with nonspecific, gender-neutral, tactile objects. 53 00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:18,290 Why would you do that when there's TV? 54 00:02:21,710 --> 00:02:24,210 Excuse me. I just gotta go tinkle. 55 00:02:24,210 --> 00:02:25,750 Sorry. It's a work term. 56 00:02:25,750 --> 00:02:26,960 [ Chuckles ] 57 00:02:29,540 --> 00:02:30,960 -He's great, right? -Yeah. 58 00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,170 Does he remind you of anybody? 59 00:02:34,710 --> 00:02:36,380 Not really. Here's a clue, 60 00:02:36,380 --> 00:02:38,000 because I want you to figure it out. 61 00:02:38,000 --> 00:02:39,290 David! 62 00:02:42,620 --> 00:02:43,540 What? 63 00:02:43,540 --> 00:02:44,710 [ Laughs ] 64 00:02:44,710 --> 00:02:46,580 No -- No way. 65 00:02:46,580 --> 00:02:48,420 Two entirely different people. 66 00:02:48,420 --> 00:02:49,460 Wait, wait. 67 00:02:49,460 --> 00:02:50,460 That wasn't David? 68 00:02:50,460 --> 00:02:52,210 No! 69 00:02:52,210 --> 00:02:53,790 She's controlling Neil 70 00:02:53,790 --> 00:02:57,210 the same way she controlled [Laughing] David. 71 00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,540 He has the same jumpy, scared eyes as David. 72 00:02:59,540 --> 00:03:01,040 Are you sure that wasn't David? 73 00:03:01,040 --> 00:03:02,620 [ Laughs ] 74 00:03:03,920 --> 00:03:05,330 Hey, sorry we're late. 75 00:03:05,330 --> 00:03:07,250 I had to get Harris to watch Mary and Mark. 76 00:03:07,250 --> 00:03:09,540 We had to lie and tell her she'd get money for it. 77 00:03:09,540 --> 00:03:11,120 That's gonna be a fight later. 78 00:03:12,750 --> 00:03:13,920 [ Sighs ] Sorry. 79 00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,710 Oh, Neil, this is my brother, D.J., 80 00:03:15,710 --> 00:03:16,880 and his wife, Geena. Oh, hey. 81 00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:18,040 -Hi. -Hi. 82 00:03:18,040 --> 00:03:19,540 We were just talking about whether people 83 00:03:19,540 --> 00:03:22,420 tend to date the same types over and over. 84 00:03:22,420 --> 00:03:24,330 What do you think? Oh, pbht, absolutely. 85 00:03:24,330 --> 00:03:25,790 For -- For example, I used to have 86 00:03:25,790 --> 00:03:28,380 a horribly self-destructive thing for dominant women. 87 00:03:28,380 --> 00:03:30,580 They -- Ugh. 88 00:03:30,580 --> 00:03:33,040 They'd push me around, and I'd feel awful. 89 00:03:33,040 --> 00:03:34,670 But I -- I got over that. 90 00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,540 By the way, I -- I really need to apologize 91 00:03:38,540 --> 00:03:39,620 for that whole shrimp thing. 92 00:03:39,620 --> 00:03:41,250 I... 93 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:42,960 I don't know who that guy was. 94 00:03:44,750 --> 00:03:46,750 Oh, I think we all know who that was. 95 00:03:46,750 --> 00:03:47,540 [ Laughs, coughs ] 96 00:03:51,460 --> 00:03:56,960 ♪♪ 97 00:03:56,960 --> 00:04:05,540 ♪♪ 98 00:04:05,540 --> 00:04:14,290 ♪♪ 99 00:04:14,290 --> 00:04:22,830 ♪♪ 100 00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:26,540 "The Conners" is recorded 101 00:04:26,540 --> 00:04:28,620 in front of a live studio audience. 102 00:04:28,620 --> 00:04:30,290 Just broke up with Neil. 103 00:04:30,290 --> 00:04:32,000 Ohh. How'd he take it? 104 00:04:32,000 --> 00:04:34,830 Uh, he was devastated 105 00:04:34,830 --> 00:04:36,790 until I told him that he wasn't. 106 00:04:39,420 --> 00:04:41,880 I can't believe I was about to make the same mistake again. 107 00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:44,000 Well, it's never too late to change. 108 00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,710 I've found that vocalizing my feelings really helps. 109 00:04:46,710 --> 00:04:51,250 Last night, I suggested that Peter might want to get a job, 110 00:04:51,250 --> 00:04:54,960 and he started packing his bags, 111 00:04:54,960 --> 00:04:57,540 and I decided to vocalize 112 00:04:57,540 --> 00:05:00,290 that I would do anything if he stayed, 113 00:05:00,290 --> 00:05:02,000 and he stayed! 114 00:05:05,170 --> 00:05:07,330 That just seems like desperation. 115 00:05:07,330 --> 00:05:08,460 Mm. 116 00:05:08,460 --> 00:05:10,120 To the untrained eye. 117 00:05:11,460 --> 00:05:13,460 [ Laughing ] 118 00:05:15,080 --> 00:05:16,380 I could use a laugh. 119 00:05:16,380 --> 00:05:17,540 What's that? 120 00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:19,080 I needed something to read, so I grabbed 121 00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:20,290 the new edition of Lock 'Em Up 122 00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:22,330 off the counter at the AM-PM. 123 00:05:22,330 --> 00:05:25,380 Ah, nothing says "fine literature" 124 00:05:25,380 --> 00:05:28,540 like the counter at the AM-PM. 125 00:05:28,540 --> 00:05:29,670 No, it's a hoot. 126 00:05:29,670 --> 00:05:31,250 They print the mug shots of all the arrests 127 00:05:31,250 --> 00:05:33,420 in Lanford every month. 128 00:05:33,420 --> 00:05:35,920 This woman shot her mother in her garage. 129 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,620 She said she thought it was a weasel. 130 00:05:40,580 --> 00:05:43,250 Does it say if she got away with it? 131 00:05:43,250 --> 00:05:44,500 Oh, no. It doesn't matter. 132 00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:46,000 I don't have a garage. 133 00:05:48,250 --> 00:05:50,000 Well, the mug shots are pretty, 134 00:05:50,000 --> 00:05:51,540 but the real crime here is the writing. 135 00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,750 [ Chuckles ] 136 00:05:52,750 --> 00:05:54,330 Oh, whoa. 137 00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:56,120 They're looking for a writer with copy-editing experience. 138 00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:57,620 I have that. 139 00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,580 Yeah, but this is just sensationalist garbage 140 00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:00,830 anybody could write. 141 00:06:00,830 --> 00:06:03,420 I know. I better get my résumé together real quick. 142 00:06:04,620 --> 00:06:06,580 Okay, everybody get in here. 143 00:06:06,580 --> 00:06:08,330 I have news. 144 00:06:08,330 --> 00:06:10,460 All right, you're never gonna believe this, 145 00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:12,960 but I wasn't nauseous at work because I was hung over... 146 00:06:12,960 --> 00:06:14,170 Dad. 147 00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:19,250 I was sick because... 148 00:06:19,250 --> 00:06:20,540 I'm pregnant! 149 00:06:20,540 --> 00:06:21,790 Aaah! 150 00:06:21,790 --> 00:06:23,790 [ Screaming ] 151 00:06:23,790 --> 00:06:26,420 I can't believe it! 152 00:06:26,420 --> 00:06:27,540 Ohhhh! 153 00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:31,500 Your doctor gave you less than a 5% chance! 154 00:06:31,500 --> 00:06:34,170 I know, but I had unsafe sex, and it worked! 155 00:06:34,170 --> 00:06:36,170 [ Both scream ] 156 00:06:38,210 --> 00:06:40,170 You should speak at the high school. 157 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,540 This is a full-on miracle. 158 00:06:43,540 --> 00:06:45,250 You were meant to be a mom. 159 00:06:45,250 --> 00:06:47,540 The doctor said that you were too old and too pickled... 160 00:06:50,210 --> 00:06:53,620 ...but God filled that uterus with life. 161 00:06:55,670 --> 00:06:58,210 He didn't say "pickled." Darlene said that. 162 00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,500 Oh, yeah, that was one of mine. 163 00:07:01,500 --> 00:07:03,290 ♪♪ 164 00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:08,420 We got to celebrate this now, 165 00:07:08,420 --> 00:07:10,620 'cause once the baby comes, you won't get a moment's peace. 166 00:07:10,620 --> 00:07:11,920 I had to go to Afghanistan 167 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,580 just to get a decent night's sleep. 168 00:07:13,580 --> 00:07:15,960 [ Laughs ] 169 00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,040 Mary thought she was always gonna be the baby of the family. 170 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:20,790 She's gonna learn what every Conner learns -- 171 00:07:20,790 --> 00:07:21,920 no one is special. 172 00:07:21,920 --> 00:07:22,960 Mm. 173 00:07:24,500 --> 00:07:25,620 To Becky. 174 00:07:25,620 --> 00:07:27,920 I think I speak for everyone when I say 175 00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:30,250 we can't wait to see how this plays out. 176 00:07:33,250 --> 00:07:35,290 God, I wish Mom was here. 177 00:07:35,290 --> 00:07:37,250 [ Voice breaking ] She would be so excited. 178 00:07:37,250 --> 00:07:39,210 She knows. 179 00:07:39,210 --> 00:07:41,460 So, you gonna tell us? Who's the father? 180 00:07:41,460 --> 00:07:42,750 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 181 00:07:42,750 --> 00:07:44,330 Whoa! 182 00:07:44,330 --> 00:07:46,040 Privacy, people. 183 00:07:46,040 --> 00:07:48,580 This is Becky's business and nobody else. 184 00:07:52,710 --> 00:07:55,290 There is a father, biologically. 185 00:07:55,290 --> 00:07:57,290 I'm just not gonna tell him. 186 00:07:57,290 --> 00:07:59,790 I don't need a man to raise my kid. 187 00:07:59,790 --> 00:08:03,040 You know, it's not a crime for a baby to have two parents. 188 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:04,170 It's lovely to be independent, 189 00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:05,920 but not if the baby has to suffer 190 00:08:05,920 --> 00:08:08,380 because you don't have the time or the money 191 00:08:08,380 --> 00:08:10,330 to take care of him properly. 192 00:08:10,330 --> 00:08:14,210 I'm not trying to prove how independent I am. 193 00:08:14,210 --> 00:08:16,120 There's other reasons I'm not telling him. 194 00:08:16,120 --> 00:08:17,580 Like what? 195 00:08:17,580 --> 00:08:19,120 Like it was a one-night stand. 196 00:08:21,420 --> 00:08:24,120 Oh. Well, let's check the Becky board. 197 00:08:25,380 --> 00:08:26,880 Number-one answer? 198 00:08:26,880 --> 00:08:28,330 Ding! "One-night stand." 199 00:08:31,670 --> 00:08:35,000 I'm just saying, I don't have a relationship with the guy. 200 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,330 He's a stranger, and I'm not gonna have 201 00:08:37,330 --> 00:08:39,380 a stranger telling me how to raise my kid. 202 00:08:39,380 --> 00:08:40,960 He's still the father. 203 00:08:40,960 --> 00:08:43,330 The father has a right to know. 204 00:08:43,330 --> 00:08:45,670 And you're gonna need help with money. 205 00:08:45,670 --> 00:08:47,670 I got to let you go. 206 00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:49,580 You can't do drywall when you're pregnant. 207 00:08:49,580 --> 00:08:51,830 Why not? Pregnant women work all the time. 208 00:08:51,830 --> 00:08:53,330 Not on construction sites. 209 00:08:53,330 --> 00:08:57,040 They're dangerous and full of all kinds of toxic stuff. 210 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:59,000 You know how many babies I've had to let go? 211 00:09:01,620 --> 00:09:03,170 And they always cry. 212 00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,250 So you're firing me? 213 00:09:07,250 --> 00:09:09,380 I really need the money. 214 00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,120 You can come back when you have the baby. 215 00:09:12,420 --> 00:09:13,920 Wow. 216 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:16,540 I wasn't looking for support from the baby's father, 217 00:09:16,540 --> 00:09:19,000 but I thought I might get some from my family. 218 00:09:22,330 --> 00:09:24,120 Where would she get that idea? 219 00:09:25,540 --> 00:09:27,960 ♪♪ 220 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,500 Sorry. I didn't see a receptionist. 221 00:09:33,500 --> 00:09:35,290 People kept mistaking us for The New York Times, 222 00:09:35,290 --> 00:09:36,790 so I had to let her go. 223 00:09:38,330 --> 00:09:40,210 Hey, I don't care how small it is. 224 00:09:40,210 --> 00:09:42,460 The fact that anything's being published in Lanford at all 225 00:09:42,460 --> 00:09:43,920 is pretty sweet. 226 00:09:43,920 --> 00:09:45,460 I'm here about the job. 227 00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:47,500 Oh. 228 00:09:47,500 --> 00:09:50,250 Nice to meet you... Darlene Conner. 229 00:09:50,250 --> 00:09:51,540 Ben. 230 00:09:51,540 --> 00:09:53,000 If you turn out not to be a nut, 231 00:09:53,000 --> 00:09:54,420 I'll tell you my last name. 232 00:09:57,040 --> 00:10:00,250 Um, "waitress at the casino," huh? 233 00:10:00,250 --> 00:10:01,880 Humble brag. 234 00:10:04,420 --> 00:10:06,920 Why'd you leave the job writing ad copy in Chicago? 235 00:10:06,920 --> 00:10:10,250 Oh, um, it was a combination of things. 236 00:10:10,250 --> 00:10:12,580 I hated the job, they paid nothing, 237 00:10:12,580 --> 00:10:14,540 and then they fired me -- that was the last straw. 238 00:10:16,420 --> 00:10:17,420 Why'd they fire you? 239 00:10:17,420 --> 00:10:19,120 They started using freelancers. 240 00:10:19,120 --> 00:10:20,540 But it worked out because I had to come back 241 00:10:20,540 --> 00:10:21,620 to help my dad anyway. 242 00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,790 So this job would be perfect for me, 243 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:27,170 and -- and honestly, I think I would be perfect for you 244 00:10:27,170 --> 00:10:28,830 because your paper right now 245 00:10:28,830 --> 00:10:30,880 is just full of a lot of dry facts, 246 00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:32,540 and I think that I could really make 247 00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,000 the arsonists and carjackers people you want to know. 248 00:10:39,830 --> 00:10:40,670 No. 249 00:10:42,540 --> 00:10:44,750 People read this paper to see mug shots, 250 00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:46,620 find out who beat, stabbed, or robbed who, 251 00:10:46,620 --> 00:10:48,460 and if they live next door. 252 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:51,210 Oh, and if it's a relative, you know. 253 00:10:51,210 --> 00:10:53,500 Everybody likes to see an in-law get taken down. 254 00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:57,750 Okay, cool, so, why don't we take what you're doing 255 00:10:57,750 --> 00:11:00,330 and use that as a jumping-off place? 256 00:11:00,330 --> 00:11:03,080 Or we do what we're doing and keep doing it. 257 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:06,330 I get it. 258 00:11:06,330 --> 00:11:08,580 Go slow, don't freak the readers out -- 259 00:11:08,580 --> 00:11:10,000 small changes first. 260 00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,000 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 261 00:11:11,000 --> 00:11:13,500 Or no changes, 262 00:11:13,500 --> 00:11:16,460 and then later... 263 00:11:16,460 --> 00:11:17,670 no changes. 264 00:11:20,460 --> 00:11:22,620 Oh, yeah. Okay. I hear you. I hear you. 265 00:11:22,620 --> 00:11:24,290 Deepen the story, but just a little 266 00:11:24,290 --> 00:11:26,080 until you see how much better you like it. 267 00:11:27,790 --> 00:11:31,330 Or you do it precisely as I say, and you can keep your job. 268 00:11:33,080 --> 00:11:34,670 Wait. Did you just hire me? 269 00:11:36,540 --> 00:11:37,500 Yes. 270 00:11:37,500 --> 00:11:38,960 Oh, and the pay sucks. 271 00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,540 Ah, thank you! Yeah. 272 00:11:42,580 --> 00:11:45,540 That's your office. You can go home at 6:00. 273 00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:47,120 Uh, I have kids. 274 00:11:47,120 --> 00:11:48,620 Oh. I'm sorry. 275 00:11:48,620 --> 00:11:52,500 Um, you can stay as late as you want. 276 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:55,380 ♪♪ 277 00:11:55,380 --> 00:11:57,080 You know, when I first found out, 278 00:11:57,080 --> 00:11:59,210 I was so excited. 279 00:11:59,210 --> 00:12:02,750 But then I remembered I'm 43, on my own, and broke. 280 00:12:02,750 --> 00:12:04,380 Maybe your dad's right. 281 00:12:04,380 --> 00:12:06,960 Maybe you could bring the baby's father into the mix, 282 00:12:06,960 --> 00:12:08,790 just to help with expenses. 283 00:12:08,790 --> 00:12:10,380 Who is it? I can't tell you. 284 00:12:10,380 --> 00:12:11,540 All right, I get it. 285 00:12:11,540 --> 00:12:13,420 The sanctity of the intimate act, 286 00:12:13,420 --> 00:12:15,500 the stoic silence between lovers. 287 00:12:16,920 --> 00:12:19,000 No, I mean I don't know who the hell it is. 288 00:12:20,790 --> 00:12:24,420 It's either Ramon, the manager, or Emilio, the busboy. 289 00:12:24,420 --> 00:12:26,580 O-Oh, okay. 290 00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:29,580 A very mature, modern dilemma. 291 00:12:29,580 --> 00:12:32,380 Like many of our most popular romantic comedies, 292 00:12:32,380 --> 00:12:34,540 but with much-needed diversity. 293 00:12:36,040 --> 00:12:38,790 Well, Ramon's the manager. 294 00:12:38,790 --> 00:12:40,790 Is it wrong to tell him he's the father 295 00:12:40,790 --> 00:12:42,460 just because he's in a better position 296 00:12:42,460 --> 00:12:44,880 to shell out a few bucks to help with the baby? 297 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,620 You are a mother. You do what's best for the baby. 298 00:12:47,620 --> 00:12:48,830 Go, Ramon! 299 00:12:51,670 --> 00:12:54,000 Um, Ramon? 300 00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:56,670 The Sprite's low on CO2. 301 00:12:56,670 --> 00:12:59,380 Also, hey, I'm pregnant, and you're the father. 302 00:13:01,080 --> 00:13:03,830 I know because I haven't been with any other men. 303 00:13:03,830 --> 00:13:05,290 It's not mine. 304 00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:07,170 Normal reaction. 305 00:13:07,170 --> 00:13:09,460 No one feels it can happen to them. 306 00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:11,460 But here we are. 307 00:13:11,460 --> 00:13:13,040 And I'm sure you'll do the right thing 308 00:13:13,040 --> 00:13:14,920 by helping me financially. 309 00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:16,080 I had a vasectomy. 310 00:13:17,460 --> 00:13:20,120 Ironically, that used to be music to my ears. 311 00:13:23,210 --> 00:13:25,380 I assume I'm working holidays for a while. 312 00:13:28,880 --> 00:13:30,080 It's the busboy. 313 00:13:30,080 --> 00:13:31,710 Ohhh! 314 00:13:31,710 --> 00:13:33,380 Well, think! 315 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,210 There's got to be somebody else you slept with 316 00:13:35,210 --> 00:13:37,040 that's got money. 317 00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,460 [ Hispanic accent ] Hey. 318 00:13:38,460 --> 00:13:42,790 It is told to me, um, you have my baby? 319 00:13:42,790 --> 00:13:44,040 Who told you that? 320 00:13:44,040 --> 00:13:45,330 Ramon. 321 00:13:45,330 --> 00:13:47,830 He said it is me. 322 00:13:47,830 --> 00:13:49,380 This is gonna get complicated. 323 00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:51,120 Could you help me out? 324 00:13:51,120 --> 00:13:53,210 The only thing I know how to say in Spanish is "Yes." 325 00:13:53,210 --> 00:13:55,040 Yeah, I figured that out. 326 00:13:57,960 --> 00:14:00,210 Just tell him the truth. 327 00:14:00,380 --> 00:14:01,960 You are the father. 328 00:14:02,250 --> 00:14:03,120 [ Chuckles ] 329 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,580 I was hoping I was the only person at work sleeping with her, 330 00:14:07,170 --> 00:14:09,080 but it doesn’t matter. 331 00:14:09,120 --> 00:14:11,540 I understand she comes from a troubled family. 332 00:14:11,580 --> 00:14:14,210 It’s clear her promiscuity 333 00:14:14,250 --> 00:14:16,830 is borne of her insecurity. 334 00:14:16,830 --> 00:14:17,830 Mm. 335 00:14:17,830 --> 00:14:20,620 We know Becky is easy. 336 00:14:22,750 --> 00:14:25,210 Do you want to help with the baby? 337 00:14:25,500 --> 00:14:26,540 Oh, sí. 338 00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:28,880 Oh, he wants to take care of the baby. 339 00:14:28,880 --> 00:14:30,830 The rest, I'm -- I don't -- I -- 340 00:14:32,830 --> 00:14:34,880 Muchos gracias. 341 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:37,540 No baby help, por favor. 342 00:14:37,540 --> 00:14:38,710 No. 343 00:14:38,710 --> 00:14:40,290 [ Speaking Spanish ] 344 00:14:45,540 --> 00:14:47,540 [ Gasps ] 345 00:14:47,540 --> 00:14:49,880 He's not giving up, 346 00:14:49,880 --> 00:14:52,920 but first, he's going to fix the Sprite. 347 00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,670 ♪♪ 348 00:14:57,580 --> 00:14:59,170 This is so funny. 349 00:14:59,210 --> 00:15:04,500 I had a good job at an American car plant in Chihuahua, 350 00:15:04,540 --> 00:15:09,380 but my family got caught up in the political violence 351 00:15:09,420 --> 00:15:13,580 so I had to cross the border and take this job. 352 00:15:14,250 --> 00:15:16,380 That must be hard for you to do this type of work. 353 00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,710 You're a good man, Emilio. And I can help you. 354 00:15:28,710 --> 00:15:31,960 Not only am I Lanford's leading certified life coach, 355 00:15:31,960 --> 00:15:33,670 I can also teach you English. 356 00:15:33,670 --> 00:15:34,880 Gracias. 357 00:15:37,830 --> 00:15:39,330 Mm. 358 00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:42,790 Hey, Becky. 359 00:15:42,790 --> 00:15:44,620 Hey, Maria. Hey, Bridget. 360 00:15:44,620 --> 00:15:46,120 Are you guys ready to order? 361 00:15:46,120 --> 00:15:47,920 Yeah, two taco combos, please. 362 00:15:47,920 --> 00:15:49,620 And three margaritas. 363 00:15:49,620 --> 00:15:51,420 Throw in a margarita for yourself. 364 00:15:53,170 --> 00:15:54,080 Are you okay? 365 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:58,210 [ Voice breaking ] I'm experiencing a miracle. 366 00:15:58,210 --> 00:16:00,040 It's a very small gesture. 367 00:16:00,040 --> 00:16:02,330 It's like $2, and they're mostly ice. 368 00:16:02,330 --> 00:16:04,380 [ Cries ] 369 00:16:04,380 --> 00:16:06,670 I can't drink. I'm pregnant. 370 00:16:06,670 --> 00:16:09,120 Becky! I'm so happy for you! 371 00:16:09,120 --> 00:16:10,460 You should be happy. 372 00:16:10,460 --> 00:16:12,250 We've been trying for years, 373 00:16:12,250 --> 00:16:14,120 but Maria has a tilted uterus, 374 00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:15,710 and I'm shooting blanks. 375 00:16:17,290 --> 00:16:20,290 I don't know if I can afford this baby. 376 00:16:20,290 --> 00:16:24,750 I just lost my second job, the dad can't help, 377 00:16:24,750 --> 00:16:25,540 and... 378 00:16:25,540 --> 00:16:27,920 [ Cries ] 379 00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,580 ...I just... 380 00:16:29,580 --> 00:16:32,750 Oh, honey, it's gonna be okay. 381 00:16:32,750 --> 00:16:34,250 Thanks, guys. 382 00:16:34,250 --> 00:16:35,880 Let me get you your drinks. 383 00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:41,750 This might sound kind of cold, 384 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,080 but I want her baby. 385 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:47,710 Maria, we're not dingoes. 386 00:16:47,710 --> 00:16:49,790 But Becky might be the perfect person. 387 00:16:49,790 --> 00:16:51,920 I mean, we know her, she knows us. 388 00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:53,920 She could even still be involved in the baby's life. 389 00:16:53,920 --> 00:16:55,830 It's good for everybody. 390 00:16:55,830 --> 00:16:59,710 It's a huge decision for us that we shouldn't take lightly. 391 00:16:59,710 --> 00:17:01,790 Let me pound some margaritas, and we'll talk about it. 392 00:17:01,790 --> 00:17:03,830 ♪♪ 393 00:17:03,830 --> 00:17:05,710 Darlene: It's a little rough, but check it out. 394 00:17:07,330 --> 00:17:11,460 "Driven by years of closed doors and systematic oppression, 395 00:17:11,460 --> 00:17:14,880 Eddie Ray Garrett lunged at the gas station cashier, 396 00:17:14,880 --> 00:17:16,790 who ended Eddie's career of crime 397 00:17:16,790 --> 00:17:18,460 with a full... 398 00:17:18,460 --> 00:17:21,080 UNICEF can to the temple." 399 00:17:23,830 --> 00:17:25,460 The title is "Give Till It Hurts." 400 00:17:25,460 --> 00:17:27,620 Pretty great, right? 401 00:17:27,620 --> 00:17:29,500 No! 402 00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:30,750 Very great? 403 00:17:30,750 --> 00:17:31,830 [ Groans ] 404 00:17:31,830 --> 00:17:34,290 You have overestimated 405 00:17:34,290 --> 00:17:35,880 the reading level of our audience. 406 00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:37,330 Okay? Uh... 407 00:17:37,330 --> 00:17:38,710 You ever seen "Frankenstein"? 408 00:17:38,710 --> 00:17:40,170 Yeah. 409 00:17:40,170 --> 00:17:42,120 Okay, that's the reading level of our audience. 410 00:17:43,500 --> 00:17:45,080 And not the doctor -- the creature. 411 00:17:46,710 --> 00:17:50,420 I'll give you till "he lunged at the cashier," 412 00:17:50,420 --> 00:17:52,330 but then we're out. 413 00:17:52,330 --> 00:17:54,330 Okay, but let's just say 414 00:17:54,330 --> 00:17:57,580 we raise the quality of the writing. 415 00:17:57,580 --> 00:17:59,750 Then we get the doctor and the creature, 416 00:17:59,750 --> 00:18:01,500 and we increase our ad revenue. 417 00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:03,460 Look. [ Clears throat ] 418 00:18:03,460 --> 00:18:05,540 You're clearly intelligent 419 00:18:05,540 --> 00:18:09,540 and have an... obnoxious kind of integrity. 420 00:18:11,290 --> 00:18:14,420 That is dangerously close to a compliment. 421 00:18:14,420 --> 00:18:16,250 Well, you can consider it one if you want. 422 00:18:16,250 --> 00:18:18,040 It wasn't meant that way. 423 00:18:19,210 --> 00:18:23,920 And you are remarkably stubborn and self-sabotaging. 424 00:18:25,580 --> 00:18:27,670 I was wondering when you were gonna notice. 425 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:34,210 Seriously, you've built something great here. 426 00:18:34,210 --> 00:18:37,120 It's fascinating, it's macabre. 427 00:18:37,120 --> 00:18:38,500 But you just haven't even started 428 00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:40,420 to exploit it properly yet. 429 00:18:46,120 --> 00:18:47,580 That's where I keep my paper clips. 430 00:18:50,080 --> 00:18:52,040 And a dead moth, apparently. 431 00:18:54,170 --> 00:18:56,250 Look, here's the thing. 432 00:18:56,250 --> 00:18:59,330 The colorful writing is just the start. 433 00:18:59,330 --> 00:19:00,920 There is so much more we can do here. 434 00:19:00,920 --> 00:19:02,210 [ Sighs ] 435 00:19:02,210 --> 00:19:04,750 For example, I can create a website for us. 436 00:19:04,750 --> 00:19:07,330 That's a great way to attract younger readers. 437 00:19:07,330 --> 00:19:09,420 You know how to create a website? 438 00:19:09,420 --> 00:19:12,710 I do. I can have it up and running in two weeks. 439 00:19:14,460 --> 00:19:16,170 Okay. 440 00:19:16,170 --> 00:19:18,290 Here's what I'll do. 441 00:19:18,290 --> 00:19:20,420 You are now the managing editor 442 00:19:20,420 --> 00:19:23,830 in charge of our new Internet Department. 443 00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,540 And... 444 00:19:25,540 --> 00:19:28,830 And you get 10% of all the income you generate. 445 00:19:28,830 --> 00:19:30,750 Oh. And I have complete creative control. 446 00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,120 Not even close. [ Chuckles ] 447 00:19:34,670 --> 00:19:36,250 Hey, let's celebrate, huh? 448 00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:37,380 Dinner's on me. 449 00:19:38,580 --> 00:19:40,540 Desperate and hungry, 450 00:19:40,540 --> 00:19:42,920 he...lunged for his phone. 451 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:45,500 [ Laughs ] 452 00:19:45,500 --> 00:19:46,500 Okay. 453 00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:47,790 [ Chuckles ] 454 00:19:47,790 --> 00:19:49,380 Now you're just being a jerk. 455 00:19:49,380 --> 00:19:50,710 [ Laughs ] 456 00:19:50,710 --> 00:19:52,620 Oh, it's busy. 457 00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,000 Well, I think I speak 458 00:19:54,000 --> 00:19:56,000 for everyone in the Internet Department 459 00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:58,380 when I say I think we can go out for dinner. 460 00:19:58,380 --> 00:19:59,580 What do you like? 461 00:19:59,580 --> 00:20:01,420 Uh, Chinese? 462 00:20:01,420 --> 00:20:03,040 I could go for some shrimp fried rice. 463 00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,960 Um... 464 00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:12,120 You probably -- You probably don't know this. 465 00:20:12,120 --> 00:20:15,170 Uh, most of the shrimp we eat isn't processed ethically, 466 00:20:15,170 --> 00:20:16,500 so you don't want to get that. 467 00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,460 Ohhh. [ Snaps fingers ] 468 00:20:19,460 --> 00:20:20,830 You're confused. 469 00:20:20,830 --> 00:20:22,500 You thought I was a child, 470 00:20:22,500 --> 00:20:25,040 when I'm actually a grown-ass adult. 471 00:20:28,670 --> 00:20:31,620 Yeah. I-I didn't mean to push. That's not who I am. 472 00:20:31,620 --> 00:20:32,790 Oh, great. 473 00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:34,540 ♪♪ 474 00:20:34,540 --> 00:20:35,290 Let's go. 475 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:39,670 Hope you like 'em thick. 476 00:20:39,670 --> 00:20:41,790 I just about burned out the motor. 477 00:20:46,960 --> 00:20:48,540 We're gonna need spoons. 478 00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:51,170 [ Laughs ] 479 00:20:51,170 --> 00:20:52,920 So, when you and Mom found out you were gonna have me, 480 00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:54,080 did you freak out? 481 00:20:54,080 --> 00:20:55,540 Only a little. 482 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:57,460 We didn't know how bad you were gonna turn out. 483 00:20:59,210 --> 00:21:01,620 The truth is, I remember thinking, 484 00:21:01,620 --> 00:21:04,380 "Oh, my God. I got to be a grown-up now. 485 00:21:04,380 --> 00:21:09,040 I got to buy life insurance, mutual funds, save for college." 486 00:21:09,040 --> 00:21:12,880 But after a couple of years, that panic goes away. 487 00:21:12,880 --> 00:21:14,210 And you just forget about that stuff. 488 00:21:17,290 --> 00:21:19,420 At least you had Mom to go through it with. 489 00:21:19,420 --> 00:21:21,540 Yeah. 490 00:21:21,540 --> 00:21:23,290 Two parents isn't the worst thing in the world to have. 491 00:21:23,290 --> 00:21:25,210 Just doing milkshakes now, Dad.