♪♪
Just so you know, I had the chicken tacos last night,
and my stomach's doing somersaults.
Uh...
But our specials look good.
We have tilapia,
which is some kind of a greasy white fish...
...floating in cheese.
Please don't make me carry that out here.
Now that you mention it, that's exactly what I want.
I'm gonna go exotic tonight, Beck.
I'll have the pupusas.
Take me away to El Salvador.
Look, that's fried,
and that's covered in some kind of chunky sauce.
I can't do that right now.
Oh, um...
You go first, Neil. I'm still looking.
Okay. Uh, I would love the three shrimp tacos.
Pick something else.
A lot of shrimp is peeled by Thai kids
forced into slave labor,
so you think you're eating scampi,
but really you're exploiting children.
I got an idea. What if I just had one small shrimp taco,
and I feel bad about it?
Have the chile relleno.
They're really good here. They're vegan.
Yeah, I don't really like those.
No, you will.
Could you guys hurry up?
I'm riding out this wave here.
I'll have a shrimp burrito,
and I'll have Neil's shrimp tacos.
I don't know if it's those Thai kids' sweat or tears,
but they're delicious.
Hey. I'm not buying this food poisoning thing.
I think you're hung over.
I'm not hung over.
Hold on.
You're gonna have to eat this way down there.
You and I are going to a meeting tonight.
So, Neil, what do you do for a living?
Uh, I'm a preschool teacher.
Preschool, huh?
What's that, like, playing with blocks and stuff?
[ Laughing ] Blocks and stuff?
Dan, they are so far beyond that now.
Oh, no, actually, no, blocks are a big part of it.
Oh, well, the old ways are still the best ways.
We try to inspire the children's imagination
with nonspecific, gender-neutral, tactile objects.
Why would you do that when there's TV?
Excuse me. I just gotta go tinkle.
Sorry. It's a work term.
[ Chuckles ]
-He's great, right? -Yeah.
Does he remind you of anybody?
Not really. Here's a clue,
because I want you to figure it out.
David!
What?
[ Laughs ]
No -- No way.
Two entirely different people.
Wait, wait.
That wasn't David?
No!
She's controlling Neil
the same way she controlled [Laughing] David.
He has the same jumpy, scared eyes as David.
Are you sure that wasn't David?
[ Laughs ]
Hey, sorry we're late.
I had to get Harris to watch Mary and Mark.
We had to lie and tell her she'd get money for it.
That's gonna be a fight later.
[ Sighs ] Sorry.
Oh, Neil, this is my brother, D.J.,
and his wife, Geena. Oh, hey.
-Hi. -Hi.
We were just talking about whether people
tend to date the same types over and over.
What do you think? Oh, pbht, absolutely.
For -- For example, I used to have
a horribly self-destructive thing for dominant women.
They -- Ugh.
They'd push me around, and I'd feel awful.
But I -- I got over that.
By the way, I -- I really need to apologize
for that whole shrimp thing.
I...
I don't know who that guy was.
Oh, I think we all know who that was.
[ Laughs, coughs ]
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Just broke up with Neil.
Ohh. How'd he take it?
Uh, he was devastated
until I told him that he wasn't.
I can't believe I was about to make the same mistake again.
Well, it's never too late to change.
I've found that vocalizing my feelings really helps.
Last night, I suggested that Peter might want to get a job,
and he started packing his bags,
and I decided to vocalize
that I would do anything if he stayed,
and he stayed!
That just seems like desperation.
Mm.
To the untrained eye.
[ Laughing ]
I could use a laugh.
What's that?
I needed something to read, so I grabbed
the new edition of Lock 'Em Up
off the counter at the AM-PM.
Ah, nothing says "fine literature"
like the counter at the AM-PM.
No, it's a hoot.
They print the mug shots of all the arrests
in Lanford every month.
This woman shot her mother in her garage.
She said she thought it was a weasel.
Does it say if she got away with it?
Oh, no. It doesn't matter.
I don't have a garage.
Well, the mug shots are pretty,
but the real crime here is the writing.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, whoa.
They're looking for a writer with copy-editing experience.
I have that.
Yeah, but this is just sensationalist garbage
anybody could write.
I know. I better get my résumé together real quick.
Okay, everybody get in here.
I have news.
All right, you're never gonna believe this,
but I wasn't nauseous at work because I was hung over...
Dad.
I was sick because...
I'm pregnant!
Aaah!
[ Screaming ]
I can't believe it!
Ohhhh!
Your doctor gave you less than a 5% chance!
I know, but I had unsafe sex, and it worked!
[ Both scream ]
You should speak at the high school.
This is a full-on miracle.
You were meant to be a mom.
The doctor said that you were too old and too pickled...
...but God filled that uterus with life.
He didn't say "pickled." Darlene said that.
Oh, yeah, that was one of mine.
♪♪
We got to celebrate this now,
'cause once the baby comes, you won't get a moment's peace.
I had to go to Afghanistan
just to get a decent night's sleep.
[ Laughs ]
Mary thought she was always gonna be the baby of the family.
She's gonna learn what every Conner learns --
no one is special.
Mm.
To Becky.
I think I speak for everyone when I say
we can't wait to see how this plays out.
God, I wish Mom was here.
[ Voice breaking ] She would be so excited.
She knows.
So, you gonna tell us? Who's the father?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Whoa!
Privacy, people.
This is Becky's business and nobody else.
There is a father, biologically.
I'm just not gonna tell him.
I don't need a man to raise my kid.
You know, it's not a crime for a baby to have two parents.
It's lovely to be independent,
but not if the baby has to suffer
because you don't have the time or the money
to take care of him properly.
I'm not trying to prove how independent I am.
There's other reasons I'm not telling him.
Like what?
Like it was a one-night stand.
Oh. Well, let's check the Becky board.
Number-one answer?
Ding! "One-night stand."
I'm just saying, I don't have a relationship with the guy.
He's a stranger, and I'm not gonna have
a stranger telling me how to raise my kid.
He's still the father.
The father has a right to know.
And you're gonna need help with money.
I got to let you go.
You can't do drywall when you're pregnant.
Why not? Pregnant women work all the time.
Not on construction sites.
They're dangerous and full of all kinds of toxic stuff.
You know how many babies I've had to let go?
And they always cry.
So you're firing me?
I really need the money.
You can come back when you have the baby.
Wow.
I wasn't looking for support from the baby's father,
but I thought I might get some from my family.
Where would she get that idea?
♪♪
Sorry. I didn't see a receptionist.
People kept mistaking us for The New York Times,
so I had to let her go.
Hey, I don't care how small it is.
The fact that anything's being published in Lanford at all
is pretty sweet.
I'm here about the job.
Oh.
Nice to meet you... Darlene Conner.
Ben.
If you turn out not to be a nut,
I'll tell you my last name.
Um, "waitress at the casino," huh?
Humble brag.
Why'd you leave the job writing ad copy in Chicago?
Oh, um, it was a combination of things.
I hated the job, they paid nothing,
and then they fired me -- that was the last straw.
Why'd they fire you?
They started using freelancers.
But it worked out because I had to come back
to help my dad anyway.
So this job would be perfect for me,
and -- and honestly, I think I would be perfect for you
because your paper right now
is just full of a lot of dry facts,
and I think that I could really make
the arsonists and carjackers people you want to know.
No.
People read this paper to see mug shots,
find out who beat, stabbed, or robbed who,
and if they live next door.
Oh, and if it's a relative, you know.
Everybody likes to see an in-law get taken down.
Okay, cool, so, why don't we take what you're doing
and use that as a jumping-off place?
Or we do what we're doing and keep doing it.
I get it.
Go slow, don't freak the readers out --
small changes first.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Or no changes,
and then later...
no changes.
Oh, yeah. Okay. I hear you. I hear you.
Deepen the story, but just a little
until you see how much better you like it.
Or you do it precisely as I say, and you can keep your job.
Wait. Did you just hire me?
Yes.
Oh, and the pay sucks.
Ah, thank you! Yeah.
That's your office. You can go home at 6:00.
Uh, I have kids.
Oh. I'm sorry.
Um, you can stay as late as you want.
♪♪
You know, when I first found out,
I was so excited.
But then I remembered I'm 43, on my own, and broke.
Maybe your dad's right.
Maybe you could bring the baby's father into the mix,
just to help with expenses.
Who is it? I can't tell you.
All right, I get it.
The sanctity of the intimate act,
the stoic silence between lovers.
No, I mean I don't know who the hell it is.
It's either Ramon, the manager, or Emilio, the busboy.
O-Oh, okay.
A very mature, modern dilemma.
Like many of our most popular romantic comedies,
but with much-needed diversity.
Well, Ramon's the manager.
Is it wrong to tell him he's the father
just because he's in a better position
to shell out a few bucks to help with the baby?
You are a mother. You do what's best for the baby.
Go, Ramon!
Um, Ramon?
The Sprite's low on CO2.
Also, hey, I'm pregnant, and you're the father.
I know because I haven't been with any other men.
It's not mine.
Normal reaction.
No one feels it can happen to them.
But here we are.
And I'm sure you'll do the right thing
by helping me financially.
I had a vasectomy.
Ironically, that used to be music to my ears.
I assume I'm working holidays for a while.
It's the busboy.
Ohhh!
Well, think!
There's got to be somebody else you slept with
that's got money.
[ Hispanic accent ] Hey.
It is told to me, um, you have my baby?
Who told you that?
Ramon.
He said it is me.
This is gonna get complicated.
Could you help me out?
The only thing I know how to say in Spanish is "Yes."
Yeah, I figured that out.
Just tell him the truth.
You are the father.
[ Chuckles ]
I was hoping I was the only person at work sleeping with her,
but it doesn’t matter.
I understand she comes from a troubled family.
It’s clear her promiscuity
is borne of her insecurity.
Mm.
We know Becky is easy.
Do you want to help with the baby?
Oh, sí.
Oh, he wants to take care of the baby.
The rest, I'm -- I don't -- I --
Muchos gracias.
No baby help, por favor.
No.
[ Speaking Spanish ]
[ Gasps ]
He's not giving up,
but first, he's going to fix the Sprite.
♪♪
This is so funny.
I had a good job at an American car plant in Chihuahua,
but my family got caught up in the political violence
so I had to cross the border and take this job.
That must be hard for you to do this type of work.
You're a good man, Emilio. And I can help you.
Not only am I Lanford's leading certified life coach,
I can also teach you English.
Gracias.
Mm.
Hey, Becky.
Hey, Maria. Hey, Bridget.
Are you guys ready to order?
Yeah, two taco combos, please.
And three margaritas.
Throw in a margarita for yourself.
Are you okay?
[ Voice breaking ] I'm experiencing a miracle.
It's a very small gesture.
It's like $2, and they're mostly ice.
[ Cries ]
I can't drink. I'm pregnant.
Becky! I'm so happy for you!
You should be happy.
We've been trying for years,
but Maria has a tilted uterus,
and I'm shooting blanks.
I don't know if I can afford this baby.
I just lost my second job, the dad can't help,
and...
[ Cries ]
...I just...
Oh, honey, it's gonna be okay.
Thanks, guys.
Let me get you your drinks.
This might sound kind of cold,
but I want her baby.
Maria, we're not dingoes.
But Becky might be the perfect person.
I mean, we know her, she knows us.
She could even still be involved in the baby's life.
It's good for everybody.
It's a huge decision for us that we shouldn't take lightly.
Let me pound some margaritas, and we'll talk about it.
♪♪
Darlene: It's a little rough, but check it out.
"Driven by years of closed doors and systematic oppression,
Eddie Ray Garrett lunged at the gas station cashier,
who ended Eddie's career of crime
with a full...
UNICEF can to the temple."
The title is "Give Till It Hurts."
Pretty great, right?
No!
Very great?
[ Groans ]
You have overestimated
the reading level of our audience.
Okay? Uh...
You ever seen "Frankenstein"?
Yeah.
Okay, that's the reading level of our audience.
And not the doctor -- the creature.
I'll give you till "he lunged at the cashier,"
but then we're out.
Okay, but let's just say
we raise the quality of the writing.
Then we get the doctor and the creature,
and we increase our ad revenue.
Look. [ Clears throat ]
You're clearly intelligent
and have an... obnoxious kind of integrity.
That is dangerously close to a compliment.
Well, you can consider it one if you want.
It wasn't meant that way.
And you are remarkably stubborn and self-sabotaging.
I was wondering when you were gonna notice.
Seriously, you've built something great here.
It's fascinating, it's macabre.
But you just haven't even started
to exploit it properly yet.
That's where I keep my paper clips.
And a dead moth, apparently.
Look, here's the thing.
The colorful writing is just the start.
There is so much more we can do here.
[ Sighs ]
For example, I can create a website for us.
That's a great way to attract younger readers.
You know how to create a website?
I do. I can have it up and running in two weeks.
Okay.
Here's what I'll do.
You are now the managing editor
in charge of our new Internet Department.
And...
And you get 10% of all the income you generate.
Oh. And I have complete creative control.
Not even close. [ Chuckles ]
Hey, let's celebrate, huh?
Dinner's on me.
Desperate and hungry,
he...lunged for his phone.
[ Laughs ]
Okay.
[ Chuckles ]
Now you're just being a jerk.
[ Laughs ]
Oh, it's busy.
Well, I think I speak
for everyone in the Internet Department
when I say I think we can go out for dinner.
What do you like?
Uh, Chinese?
I could go for some shrimp fried rice.
Um...
You probably -- You probably don't know this.
Uh, most of the shrimp we eat isn't processed ethically,
so you don't want to get that.
Ohhh. [ Snaps fingers ]
You're confused.
You thought I was a child,
when I'm actually a grown-ass adult.
Yeah. I-I didn't mean to push. That's not who I am.
Oh, great.
♪♪
Let's go.
Hope you like 'em thick.
I just about burned out the motor.
We're gonna need spoons.
[ Laughs ]
So, when you and Mom found out you were gonna have me,
did you freak out?
Only a little.
We didn't know how bad you were gonna turn out.
The truth is, I remember thinking,
"Oh, my God. I got to be a grown-up now.
I got to buy life insurance, mutual funds, save for college."
But after a couple of years, that panic goes away.
And you just forget about that stuff.
At least you had Mom to go through it with.
Yeah.
Two parents isn't the worst thing in the world to have.
Just doing milkshakes now, Dad.