Jackie: So, since your mom used to handle the holidays,
I thought we should talk about a game plan
for Thanksgiving and Christmas.
Oh, I say we follow the Conner tradition --
spend every dime we have on Halloween,
and then we have nothing to be thankful for
or buy gifts with.
Hi, Mom. Hi, Aunt Jackie.
Hi. Hey. How was school?
Good. We're learning about democracy.
Oh, it's a class in ancient history, eh?
We're doing projects about the election.
I'm gonna take a poll at the mall
to see how people voted.
Oh, good, my 11-year-old
approaching strangers at the mall.
Why don't we double down
and just have you hitchhike there?
No, you're taking me.
Oh, I-I-I can't.
I have to work that day.
I didn't tell you what day it was.
Oh, you didn't?
Well, let's not get bogged down
in he said, she said.
All right, what day is it?
Saturday. How about that?
I actually have to work that day.
Well, I'm free on Saturday. I'd love to help.
I think it's great that you're hungry to learn
about how democracy is supposed to work,
'cause it's up to you young people
to snatch it back from special interests
and breathe new life into this noble experiment
that we call America.
Guys, you got to see this.
[ Sports chatter on TV ]
Why is he outside?
He's watching TV.
Well, yes, that's the obvious explanation.
Now let's dig a little deeper.
I think the shock of losing your mom
has worn off and now he's just depressed,
but he doesn't want us to see it.
Well, watching TV from the porch
is not a good way to hide it.
He's been isolating himself from the family more and more.
Before you know it, he'll be across the street.
[ Clears throat ]
Oh, he'll go as far as that remote will let him.
Hey, Dad.
What's up?
Watching TV from the porch.
Cool.
Quick question. Why?
I wanted to watch TV, and I'm getting some fresh air.
Also looking for a little alone time.
Don't mind us.
Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's healthy.
Yeah.
I'm glad you feel that way.
But we won't know until we test it.
[ Metal clinking ]
Okay, if you're gonna track me like a wounded animal,
do the decent thing and shoot me, would you?
Dan, you can't avoid our love.
You've been through a huge loss.
Tell us what you're feeling.
Give it to us.
All right.
I am having a very strong feeling.
My sister-in-law is badgering me,
and I want her to leave my garage.
Maybe you don't want to talk to us,
but you got to talk to somebody.
I went to a support group when Mark died.
It really helped me.
I still go sometimes.
There you go. Tell him what you got out of it.
Well, I talked to nice, old men who have tennis bracelets,
but no one to wear them.
See?
It says "Tiffany,"
but that's just the wife's name.
I find that the guys on my crew get jealous
when I wear my diamonds, so that's out.
I'll call you if I need you.
Uh, you left your phone by the bike.
Exactly.
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Okay, ladies, now that I'm back,
I want to show you all how Mary's hair should be done.
It's a simple 10-step process
that should take no longer than three hours.
Uh, looking at my hair, did you ever think
I had a realistic chance of getting hers right?
Okay, the car's all packed up to head back to the base.
Oh, remember we have to stop by the PX
to get Mary some new church clothes.
We don't go to church.
Excuse me?
What does she mean by that?
Who knows? Kids have rich fantasy lives.
They have dragons for friends.
When was the last time she was in church?
It's funny, the tricks time can play on you.
How long?
I'm gonna say about a year.
How long?
Two years.
Two years?
That's almost the whole time I was gone.
Well, in D.J.'s defense,
you know we've never really been religious people.
I mean, we pray, but it's usually just,
"Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub," or...
...you know, asking for a little help at the track.
Well, some of us go regularly.
I take my mother to services every Sunday
just to remind God she's still here
in case he forgot to take her.
Well, you can gamble with your souls if you want,
but my family's going to church.
Aunt Darlene doesn't make Mark and Harris go,
so why do I have to?
Because I said so.
D.J., let's go.
It's okay. I've had a good life.
Yeah, I didn't want to correct him.
Hey, so, my dad will be here any minute.
And remember, he's kind of raw right now,
but I do think he really wants to talk.
Just don't force it.
We don't have to yell "Surprise," do we?
No. No. Just hang out, have fun, don't make it weird.
You know, if this doesn't work,
I know some guys who play drums in the woods.
They seem pretty happy.
Yeah, let's try beer and poker tonight,
but we got that in our back pocket.
Right on. Right on.
He's here. Everybody act casual.
Jackie.
Why is your car blocking the driveway?
No reason.
Maybe we just wanted you to come in
through the front door. For no reason!
Oh, good.
Crazy people.
I know I'm in the right house.
-Hey! -Hey!
-There he is! -Come on in.
What are you guys doing here?
We're here to play some poker.
Yeah. Dwight here, he finally got his check
from when that street cleaner ran him over.
We're gonna take his money.
It was a rough night.
Kind of fell asleep in the gutter.
[ Laughs loudly ]
That is some real guy talk!
Okay, Dan, you guys have a great game.
There's no game. Everybody go home.
Come on, we're all here.
I said, "Go home."
Oh. Hang on a minute.
Let me just go talk to him.
I thought I made it clear.
I wanted to be left alone.
But, Dad, these are your friends.
We thought you could just play some cards,
maybe talk about some things.
I already told you, I don't have anything to talk about,
and I don't need my friends sitting around here
feeling sorry for me.
It's not like that.
Your daughter, she's just worried about you.
We know what you're going through.
Oh, I'm sorry, Chuck.
I didn't realize Anne-Marie was dead.
Oh, come on, Dan --
Why doesn't everybody just leave me the hell alone?!
[ Sighs ] [ Door closes ]
Dan gonna be okay?
Think so.
Um, sorry I dragged you guys all the way over here.
Ah, it's okay.
We already lied to our wives to get the night out.
We're gonna hit the strip club.
You're welcome to join us if you want to.
That's sweet. I'll pass.
Becky: I'm getting my jacket!
Now, you remember how, back at the house,
everybody was arguing about religion.
Well, the same thing happens with politics
because it's very personal, it's very private.
So, as a pollster, your job is just remain neutral
and just -- you know, just record the answers.
Okay? Democracy in action.
Go get 'em.
Hello! I'm doing a political poll for school.
Are you voting Democrat or Republican? Democrat.
Blue wave! 2020!
Sorry! [ Laughs ]
Aunt Jackie, you scared her.
Yeah, sorry. I just felt a rush of hope,
and it just got away from me.
Carry on.
Hi, I'm doing a political poll for school.
Are you registered as a Democrat or Republican?
Republican.
Did you vote for higher property taxes
to pay for funding of the arts?
No.
Uh, hi.
I'm Jackie, I'm the aunt of the pollster.
Quick follow-up question.
So, there's proof that
communities with more arts programs
have less crime,
and it enriches our kids' lives,
and you like kids, right?
Nice bait, but I'm not taking it.
I work hard to pay my property taxes,
and there are a lot more important things
to spend money on
than the city wasting my taxes
on a giant mural of a crying polar bear
underneath a beach umbrella.
He's not crying, he's sweating.
So, you've never wasted money,
you and that ridiculously huge pretzel.
You want to talk about wasting money?
How about Obamacare?
How about the wall?
Benghazi. Collusion.
Fake news. Fake news!
Thank you!
Aunt Jackie, we're not supposed to take sides.
You're messing up the poll.
I know. I get it.
Ohh, here we go!
Oh, I figured you'd show up.
I'll make up the couch for you.
I just need some help.
Oh, sure.
Right after I get Dad out of his depression,
do the laundry,
make an ice-age diorama of Illinois
for Mark's class.
Maybe while I'm helping everybody,
I can strap a broom to my ass and sweep the kitchen.
I can put these socks in a ball for you.
Oh, thanks. That was the thing I was most concerned about.
All right, what's up?
I need you and Dad to go to church,
and I need you to bring Mark and Harris.
What? Why?
So that Mary will want to go.
I'm sorry, Deej. You know, it's like,
the whole organized religion thing,
it's up to you if you want to believe there's a God,
but I can't turn my back on my atheism.
It's the only thing I believe in.
Mary and Geena used to love to go to church together.
This was huge for them.
And I wrecked it.
Well, then, you should fix it.
Come on. Please?
Oh, God.
Yes! Just like that,
only louder and like you believe it!
Just once to fake the kid out.
Thank you! Thank you!
Yeah, get off me. Oh, sorry.
And just so you know, it's gonna be me and Mark.
Harris is doing community service for her school.
There's a red tide,
and she's shoveling dead fish out of Lake Michigan.
Lucky.
Welcome to the group, friend.
What's your name? Dan.
But everybody just keep going.
I'm good.
That's okay.
No pressure to talk here.
So, what brings you here, Dan?
My wife died.
And?
I'm sorry. Were you looking for something bigger?
No.
If you're like most of us here, you're in pain,
and I just figured you needed someone to talk to.
That's what my family thinks.
And seeing as how I just blew up at a bunch of my best friends,
maybe they're right.
But I'd just like to listen for now.
You know, we have a saying.
If you won't open up, we can't come in.
What if I don't want you to come in?
I understand your fears, but I want you to know
I've been coming here for 20 years now,
and it really helps. Oh, my God,
I can't come back here for 20 years.
I'll talk.
What am I supposed to say?
Tell us what's bothering you.
I don't know.
You know when you're a little kid,
and they tell you in Sunday school
to live right, be a good person, say your prayers,
and God will reward you?
I tried.
I mean, I'm not just saying this.
I busted my ass to play by the rules,
and here's my reward.
I'm 66 years old, and I get to live
the rest of my life without the woman I love.
God and I made a deal.
He did not come through on his end.
Thanks for sharing, Dan.
We hope you keep coming back.
Anyone else want to share?
Uh, excuse me.
A-Aren't you gonna come in?
We came in and listened.
Don't you feel better now that you've shared?
No.
No, I don't.
Well, it takes time.
Paulie.
My wife is gone 20 years ago to the day,
and it still feels like it was yesterday.
Now, I may have told this story before,
but I picked up this book --
I'm sorry to interrupt, I'm sorry to interr--
I was gonna leave, but then you stood up
and started talking, and it got personal,
but I really didn't want to stay for the whole thing.
Uh...
Here we are.
Uh...
Feel better, everybody.
[ Door closes ]
Darlene says we got to get going. [ Sighs ]
Nothing like having a grumpy atheist
wake you up at 7:00 in the morning
telling you you're gonna be late to church.
I'm gonna have to meet you there.
I need a couple of minutes to finish this bike
and load it on the trailer.
You sold the bike?
Yeah.
I'm delivering it to the new owner
right after church.
Your mom didn't want me riding it, anyway.
She was afraid I'd get killed
and she'd have to raise you alone.
She said [As Roseanne] "You helped make this mess,
you're not dumping it all on me."
[ Laughs ]
[ Normal voice ] So, when you lost Mark...
[ Refrigerator door closes ] [ Sighs ]
...did you ever find a cure for waking up every morning
and looking for him?
Darlene and I got drunk one night and talked about...
how I never really sat still long enough
to make sense of it all.
So, I went home
and parked myself in a chair for a week,
and by blocking out all the noise in my life,
I got some clarity,
and I figured out how to move forward.
So, you did it all by yourself?
Then why were you pushing me to sit around,
talk to a bunch of strangers in a group?
Because it kind of helped.
And everyone was really concerned about you,
and I didn't want it to seem like I didn't care.
Oh, so you don't care.
No.
I just know you.
Nobody's gonna tell you how to fix something.
Time to go.
How long do we have to stay?
Just long enough for God to see your face.
And by God, I mean Geena.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
So, when are we gonna get back out there
and finish that polling project?
I kind of changed it into an essay.
It's about how people don't listen.
They just yell at each other.
And if we don't start listening and being nicer,
we'll never be able to get along.
I know.
Those people at the mall were complete jerks.
Welcome, everyone. God is good.
All: All the time.
All the time? All the time!
Conners: God is good. Yeah, he's good.
You have such a progressive church
to have a woman preacher.
Oh, the preacher comes out later.
That's the deaconess.
Oh, so you mean like an M.C.?
Oh. Oh. I'm learning so much.
That's the deaconess. Preacher comes out later.
[ Snaps fingers ] That's the deaconess.
The preacher comes out later.
[ Mouths word ]
I would like to point out that one of our congregation
has just returned from serving our country overseas.
Geena Conner, would you stand and be recognized?
[ Applause ]
Baby, people stopped raising the roof in 2005.
I understand that the rest of the Conners are here, too.
Stand up so we know who you are.
I'm just teasing. We know who you are.
Okay, everyone, would you please rise,
as we praise God with a song?
[ Piano plays ]
All: ♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
Deaconess: ♪ Yeah ♪
All: ♪ This little light of mine ♪
♪ I'm gonna let it shine ♪
♪ Whoo ♪
Whoo! ♪ This little light of mine ♪
Hey, I got your text.
What happened?
I wanted to help D.J., but I got to the church.
I just couldn't go in.
I'm not in a great place with God right now.
Dad, you got to tell us how we can help you.
You can't.
I have to do this myself.
But you're not.
You know, you're not talking to us.
You're not talking to your friends.
You won't go to a meeting.
I went.
It was a bunch of people yammering on
about how they'll never get over
the loss of their husbands and wives.
From what I saw, it was the fun ones who died.
All right, so...
what do we do now?
Well, I don't know about you,
but I'm going for a ride.
Boy, I sure hope you got a bicycle in here someplace.
Nope.
You're -- you're 65 years old.
You haven't ridden in forever.
Why are you doing this?
Because I need to.
I'm gonna get out on the road
and ride till I feel better.
Or feel something.
Hitting the pavement at 80 miles an hour,
you're definitely gonna feel something.
Who knows.
Maybe God and I will meet up at a bar,
and he'll pick up the tab.
He really owes me.
All right.
How about this compromise?
You talk to God
while you're watching "Easy Rider"
from your chair in the front yard.
I love you.
[ Chuckles ]
Oh, you're so young.
Uh, dad? Yeah?
Say "hi" to Mom.
By the end of the night,
I'm gonna own that sweet motorcycle of yours.
It's not on table.
I'm having too much fun riding it.
[ Rock music plays on speaker ]
That sounds pretty good.
How come Anne-Marie wanted it out of the house?
Eh, she's convinced the Bluetooth speaker
is listening and recording her recipes.
[ Laughter ]
Okay. Cards.
♪ Workin' in the coal mine ♪
♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in the coal mine ♪
♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪
♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪
♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪
Isn't this is great? ♪ Five o'clock in the mornin' ♪
Friends coming together. ♪ I'm already up and gone ♪
Singing about coal.
♪ Lord, I'm so tired ♪ Supporting each other through song.
♪ I'm too tired for havin' fun ♪ Love.
Man love.
♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪
♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪
♪ Oops! About to slip down ♪
♪ Workin' in a coal mine ♪
♪ Goin' down, down, down ♪