1
00:00:01,580 --> 00:00:03,830
♪♪

2
00:00:03,830 --> 00:00:06,170
Hey,
this is a good box.

3
00:00:06,170 --> 00:00:08,040
We got a bloody foot
on a hook...

4
00:00:09,420 --> 00:00:11,040
...and a dissected alien...

5
00:00:12,330 --> 00:00:14,580
...and some tax returns.

6
00:00:14,580 --> 00:00:16,170
Oooooh!

7
00:00:16,170 --> 00:00:18,830
The IRS believes
we have a home office.

8
00:00:18,830 --> 00:00:21,210
Oooooh!

9
00:00:21,210 --> 00:00:23,540
Oh, my God! You guys
are not gonna believe it!

10
00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,460
I passed
my driving test!

11
00:00:25,460 --> 00:00:28,540
Apparently,
it's "pass everyone" day.

12
00:00:28,540 --> 00:00:30,290
Come on.
I'm not that bad a driver.

13
00:00:30,290 --> 00:00:31,540
I let you drive home,

14
00:00:31,540 --> 00:00:34,210
and you made
a garbage truck swerve.

15
00:00:34,210 --> 00:00:35,460
You don't see
something that big

16
00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:38,380
up on two wheels
every day.

17
00:00:38,380 --> 00:00:40,460
It's like he was
stopping at every house.

18
00:00:40,460 --> 00:00:42,540
[ Softly ]
That's what they do!

19
00:00:44,790 --> 00:00:46,040
And then, to finish up,

20
00:00:46,040 --> 00:00:48,380
you dragged a traffic cone
most of the way home.

21
00:00:48,380 --> 00:00:50,790
Luckily, that kid's skateboard
broke it loose.

22
00:00:50,790 --> 00:00:52,210
I need a drink.

23
00:00:52,210 --> 00:00:54,080
Becky, where do you keep
the hard stuff?

24
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,290
In Becky.

25
00:00:56,960 --> 00:00:59,460
So, can I use
Grandma's old car now?

26
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,460
Yeah.

27
00:01:00,460 --> 00:01:02,210
But not to drive.

28
00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:04,290
You can sit in it
and play the radio

29
00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,000
and go, "Vroom, vroom!"

30
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:09,080
Your imagination
is a road to anywhere.

31
00:01:10,790 --> 00:01:12,120
[ Imitates
engine revving ]

32
00:01:13,670 --> 00:01:16,420
Well, I really
do need the job.

33
00:01:16,420 --> 00:01:18,290
And, boy,
do I love housecleaning.

34
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:21,330
It's topless?

35
00:01:21,330 --> 00:01:24,330
Well, that explains
the $40 an hour.

36
00:01:24,330 --> 00:01:26,920
$40 an hour?
Do they take men?

37
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,750
'Cause I'll show off
the girls for that.

38
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,790
Um, I'm gonna have to pass.

39
00:01:31,790 --> 00:01:33,790
But I will give your number
to my sister.

40
00:01:33,790 --> 00:01:35,460
Thank you.

41
00:01:35,460 --> 00:01:38,420
All right, so, since
I've got you guys here together,

42
00:01:38,420 --> 00:01:40,460
I want to show you
my costume.

43
00:01:41,920 --> 00:01:44,500
Disemboweled cheerleader.

44
00:01:44,500 --> 00:01:48,290
Ohhh! Look at you,
all gory and sexy.

45
00:01:48,290 --> 00:01:50,290
Uh, I'm bringing a friend
to the party,

46
00:01:50,290 --> 00:01:52,460
and it looks like
it's starting to be a thing,

47
00:01:52,460 --> 00:01:54,540
so I wanted to show off
a little leg,

48
00:01:54,540 --> 00:01:55,790
a little intestine.

49
00:01:55,790 --> 00:01:56,790
[ Laughs ]

50
00:01:56,790 --> 00:01:57,960
Who's the lucky guy?

51
00:01:57,960 --> 00:01:59,620
His name's Peter.

52
00:01:59,620 --> 00:02:02,620
Both: [ High-pitched ]
Oh! Peter!

53
00:02:02,620 --> 00:02:05,620
I want your opinion.
I do not want you teasing him.

54
00:02:05,620 --> 00:02:07,500
This family has a history
of chasing off

55
00:02:07,500 --> 00:02:09,830
all the unstable men
that I bring into my life,

56
00:02:09,830 --> 00:02:12,170
but Peter's different.

57
00:02:12,170 --> 00:02:14,620
Both: [ High-pitched ]
Oh! Peter!

58
00:02:14,620 --> 00:02:17,290
He's different!

59
00:02:17,290 --> 00:02:20,000
I'm serious --
no teasing.

60
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,620
[ Normal voice ]
Don't worry. We'll be good.

61
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:24,330
[ Normal voice ]
Yeah, you haven't dated
anyone in, like, forever.

62
00:02:24,330 --> 00:02:27,000
We're not gonna mess with
whatever straggling animal

63
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,880
you've picked off
the back of the herd.

64
00:02:34,250 --> 00:02:42,580
♪♪

65
00:02:42,580 --> 00:02:50,880
♪♪

66
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:59,210
♪♪

67
00:02:59,210 --> 00:03:07,420
♪♪

68
00:03:07,420 --> 00:03:08,540
"The Conners" is recorded

69
00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:10,380
in front of
a live studio audience.

70
00:03:10,380 --> 00:03:13,210
All right, everybody!
Get in here!

71
00:03:13,210 --> 00:03:15,580
We got to get this photo in
by 9:00.

72
00:03:17,460 --> 00:03:19,920
[ French accent ]
Napoleon Blown-Apart is 'ere...

73
00:03:23,540 --> 00:03:25,380
[ Becky laughs ]
...at your service.

74
00:03:26,620 --> 00:03:28,750
So, what do we get
if we win this Instagram thing?

75
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,380
The scariest family
gets a case of beer

76
00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:33,120
and a 6-foot
everything sub sandwich

77
00:03:33,120 --> 00:03:34,540
from Jack's Liquor & Deli.

78
00:03:34,540 --> 00:03:37,880
Ooh! La bibliothèque!

79
00:03:37,880 --> 00:03:41,210
Becky, um...

80
00:03:41,210 --> 00:03:44,880
not sure what's going on here,
but I love it!

81
00:03:44,880 --> 00:03:47,210
Sharknade...O'Conner.

82
00:03:50,250 --> 00:03:52,830
I nee--
I need more than that.

83
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:55,250
Sinéad O'Connor
and "Sharknado."

84
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:56,790
Ohhhh!

85
00:03:56,790 --> 00:03:59,620
Well, the important thing is
you had fun.

86
00:03:59,620 --> 00:04:01,250
[ Laughs ]

87
00:04:01,250 --> 00:04:03,960
Scary J. Blige,
you're in the front.

88
00:04:03,960 --> 00:04:05,580
Show your fangs,
sweetheart.

89
00:04:05,580 --> 00:04:06,960
I dropped them
on the floor.

90
00:04:06,960 --> 00:04:08,920
Give me your fangs,
sweetheart.

91
00:04:08,920 --> 00:04:11,420
Big game hunter,
you're behind the couch.

92
00:04:11,420 --> 00:04:13,750
Lizzie Boredom...

93
00:04:13,750 --> 00:04:15,620
sitting on the arm
of the couch,

94
00:04:15,620 --> 00:04:17,120
staring at your phone.

95
00:04:17,120 --> 00:04:19,250
Really sell
the boredom now.

96
00:04:19,250 --> 00:04:20,290
All right.

97
00:04:20,290 --> 00:04:22,000
Why don't you tell me
about your day?

98
00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:25,580
Why aren't you
in costume?

99
00:04:25,580 --> 00:04:28,120
Oh, I can't. I got
a job interview at McNasty's.

100
00:04:29,120 --> 00:04:31,380
That place where all the waiters
are rude to you?

101
00:04:31,380 --> 00:04:32,960
You are perfect for that.

102
00:04:33,960 --> 00:04:34,790
Mark: Mom!

103
00:04:34,790 --> 00:04:35,960
I just texted a picture

104
00:04:35,960 --> 00:04:38,210
of my Fortnite costume
to Joey.

105
00:04:38,210 --> 00:04:41,040
He told me that since it's based
on a violent video game,

106
00:04:41,040 --> 00:04:43,290
they're not gonna let me
into the school carnival!

107
00:04:43,290 --> 00:04:45,790
Uh, okay, I'm sorry, honey.
I have to run.

108
00:04:45,790 --> 00:04:47,500
I promise you
I will take care of this

109
00:04:47,500 --> 00:04:48,960
as soon as I get home.

110
00:04:48,960 --> 00:04:50,790
No!
This is an emergency!

111
00:04:50,790 --> 00:04:52,500
They banned
a whole bunch of costumes.

112
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,120
You were supposed to
get an e-mail.

113
00:04:54,120 --> 00:04:55,670
A-All right.
Hold on.

114
00:04:57,960 --> 00:05:00,120
Oh. Damn it.
Here it is.

115
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:02,620
It was important.
Don't you check your e-mails?

116
00:05:02,620 --> 00:05:03,790
I-I missed it.

117
00:05:03,790 --> 00:05:05,830
It was hiding between
"Get in Shape Today"

118
00:05:05,830 --> 00:05:07,790
and "Your Breakfast
May Be Killing You."

119
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,290
Well, this is stupid.

120
00:05:10,290 --> 00:05:11,960
What kind of costumes
are they banning?

121
00:05:11,960 --> 00:05:13,580
It says "No costumes

122
00:05:13,580 --> 00:05:16,250
that perpetuate
negative ethnic stereotypes

123
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:19,380
or are scary, gory,
or anything that's saddening."

124
00:05:19,380 --> 00:05:20,710
Our whole family
is saddening.

125
00:05:20,710 --> 00:05:23,000
Does that mean
we can't go out anymore?

126
00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:24,920
[ Normal voice ]
It's Halloween for God's sake!

127
00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,670
24 hours
without laws or rules!

128
00:05:28,670 --> 00:05:30,500
That's the "Purge" movies,
Dad.

129
00:05:32,710 --> 00:05:34,670
Mom, this isn't fair.

130
00:05:34,670 --> 00:05:36,830
All right, well, don't worry.
It's gonna be fine.

131
00:05:36,830 --> 00:05:39,330
We still have two days
to come up with new costumes.

132
00:05:39,330 --> 00:05:41,420
None of us want to
offend anybody, right?

133
00:05:41,420 --> 00:05:43,830
It just has to be something
other than...

134
00:05:43,830 --> 00:05:47,540
a bandito, a geisha,
zombie, ninja --

135
00:05:47,540 --> 00:05:51,170
Who's offended
by a ninja costume?

136
00:05:51,170 --> 00:05:52,670
I've lived in Lanford
my whole life

137
00:05:52,670 --> 00:05:55,540
and have yet
to run into a ninja.

138
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:57,040
Oh,
they're out there.

139
00:05:58,960 --> 00:06:00,380
And by the time
you do see them --

140
00:06:00,380 --> 00:06:01,960
pfft -- it's too late.

141
00:06:03,620 --> 00:06:06,210
All right, uh,
I got to go.

142
00:06:06,210 --> 00:06:07,960
Where are my damn keys?

143
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,790
Look, Mark's your kid,
but I know

144
00:06:10,790 --> 00:06:13,460
your mom and I would've fought
this thing tooth and nail.

145
00:06:13,460 --> 00:06:15,540
Look, I don't want to
get into it with these people.

146
00:06:15,540 --> 00:06:17,750
I already owe them money
for Mark's field trip

147
00:06:17,750 --> 00:06:19,540
to the dairy farm
to see how milk is made.

148
00:06:19,540 --> 00:06:20,790
[ Scoffs ]

149
00:06:20,790 --> 00:06:22,210
Chinese kids
are building robots.

150
00:06:22,210 --> 00:06:24,460
Our kids are confused
about what cows do.

151
00:06:24,460 --> 00:06:25,460
Wow.

152
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:29,040
Look, if you don't want
a problem with the school,

153
00:06:29,040 --> 00:06:30,290
that's one thing,

154
00:06:30,290 --> 00:06:33,040
but tell your son
this is a bunch of P.C. crap.

155
00:06:33,040 --> 00:06:34,960
He ought to be able to wear
whatever he wants.

156
00:06:34,960 --> 00:06:37,920
At least this way, he'll know
he didn't do anything wrong.

157
00:06:37,920 --> 00:06:40,330
I know that you and Mom felt
that way, but maybe I don't.

158
00:06:40,330 --> 00:06:41,960
Some stuff does
cross the line,

159
00:06:41,960 --> 00:06:44,920
and Mark will be completely fine
in a different costume.

160
00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,080
Now, I hate to be rude,

161
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,330
but I have to go someplace
and be rude.

162
00:06:53,290 --> 00:06:54,460
So, the food is good,

163
00:06:54,460 --> 00:06:56,120
the benefits are great,
and you eat free.

164
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,750
But, you see,
what makes us different

165
00:06:57,750 --> 00:07:00,920
is our servers make fun
of our customers.

166
00:07:00,920 --> 00:07:03,120
People come here
just to get picked on.

167
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:05,830
Oh. Well, that's something
I enjoy doing.

168
00:07:05,830 --> 00:07:07,750
Just ask my kids.
[ Chuckles ]

169
00:07:07,750 --> 00:07:10,960
Well, and I see you have serving
experience at the casino,

170
00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:13,330
and everything looks good,
so, uh...

171
00:07:13,330 --> 00:07:15,250
let's see you insult me.

172
00:07:15,250 --> 00:07:17,620
Oh. Um...okay.

173
00:07:17,620 --> 00:07:20,000
Maybe...you should try
to order something.

174
00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,620
I think I can work
with that.

175
00:07:21,620 --> 00:07:23,790
I'll have the tuna melt.

176
00:07:23,790 --> 00:07:25,880
O...kay.
Uh, okay. Uh...

177
00:07:25,880 --> 00:07:28,790
Ours is mostly dolphin
and sea trash.

178
00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:33,170
Don't insult the food.

179
00:07:33,170 --> 00:07:34,460
Insult the customers.

180
00:07:34,460 --> 00:07:36,040
Oh, sorry.

181
00:07:36,040 --> 00:07:38,790
Now, come on.
Let me have it here. Come on.

182
00:07:38,790 --> 00:07:41,120
I came here
to be insulted.

183
00:07:41,120 --> 00:07:42,290
I love it!

184
00:07:42,290 --> 00:07:44,790
Uh, this is a little harder
than I thought.

185
00:07:44,790 --> 00:07:46,290
I've never had to do it
on command.

186
00:07:46,290 --> 00:07:47,460
Yeah, yeah,
but, you know,

187
00:07:47,460 --> 00:07:48,960
just go with the flow,
you know what I mean?

188
00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:50,790
If you want,
you could take your cues

189
00:07:50,790 --> 00:07:53,620
off my appearance
or something I'm wearing.

190
00:07:53,620 --> 00:07:55,620
Okay. Um...

191
00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:57,330
Bet when you were a kid,

192
00:07:57,330 --> 00:07:59,460
you thought you were gonna
grow up and be something,

193
00:07:59,460 --> 00:08:02,170
but you went and disappointed
everyone, didn't you, Gary?

194
00:08:05,210 --> 00:08:07,250
You're a little man
in a big chair,

195
00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,330
and you're gonna spend
the rest of your life alone.

196
00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:10,670
Look at you!

197
00:08:13,330 --> 00:08:15,920
I'm not sure people
are gonna enjoy that.

198
00:08:17,500 --> 00:08:20,540
Oh. Am I missing something?
I thought it was pretty rude.

199
00:08:20,540 --> 00:08:22,000
Well, you see,
there's rude,

200
00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,330
and then there's
McNasty's fun rude.

201
00:08:24,330 --> 00:08:27,210
You know,
everything all in fun.

202
00:08:27,210 --> 00:08:30,000
We're looking
for something more like...

203
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:31,830
"You call that a hat?"

204
00:08:33,420 --> 00:08:34,920
Ohhh! Okay.

205
00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:36,670
I-I get it now.
I get it.

206
00:08:36,670 --> 00:08:39,500
Um, nice hat.
Uh...

207
00:08:39,500 --> 00:08:41,540
Maybe you should pull it down
over your ugly face

208
00:08:41,540 --> 00:08:43,460
so people can
keep their burgers down.

209
00:08:43,460 --> 00:08:44,710
Huh?

210
00:08:44,710 --> 00:08:45,960
Okay. Okay.
You know what?

211
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:48,380
I-I think that's enough
for today.

212
00:08:48,380 --> 00:08:50,250
And, uh,
we'll call you.

213
00:08:50,250 --> 00:08:52,460
Thank you.
I really appreciate your time.

214
00:08:52,460 --> 00:08:55,710
I need this job pretty bad,
and I know I can do it...

215
00:08:55,710 --> 00:08:56,960
Butt Face.

216
00:08:58,790 --> 00:09:00,880
It's not gonna happen.

217
00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:01,880
Just go.

218
00:09:03,580 --> 00:09:05,620
And my mother says
I'm amazing!

219
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:09,960
♪♪

220
00:09:09,960 --> 00:09:11,710
When do you start
at McNasty's?

221
00:09:11,710 --> 00:09:12,920
I didn't get it.

222
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:16,420
You didn't get a job
insulting people?

223
00:09:16,420 --> 00:09:17,960
I was overqualified.

224
00:09:19,790 --> 00:09:22,420
All right, I know you're nervous
about letting me drive,

225
00:09:22,420 --> 00:09:23,920
but think about
the benefits.

226
00:09:23,920 --> 00:09:25,290
Like, when one of you guys
are drunk,

227
00:09:25,290 --> 00:09:27,920
I can come and pick you up --
no questions asked.

228
00:09:27,920 --> 00:09:29,960
Of course, the next day,
we will have a conversation

229
00:09:29,960 --> 00:09:32,120
about choices, but...

230
00:09:32,120 --> 00:09:34,960
Well, if it's okay with
your mom, it's okay with me.

231
00:09:34,960 --> 00:09:37,250
Mom, can I drive
Grandma's old car?

232
00:09:37,250 --> 00:09:39,620
Oh, if it's okay with Grandpa,
it's okay with me.

233
00:09:39,620 --> 00:09:41,420
Grandpa?

234
00:09:41,420 --> 00:09:43,250
She says "Okay,"
I'm okay.

235
00:09:44,460 --> 00:09:46,670
But she's just gonna tell me
to come back to you.

236
00:09:46,670 --> 00:09:47,960
Yeah.

237
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:51,790
It's been our experience
that kids tire out eventually.

238
00:09:51,790 --> 00:09:52,920
Mark: Mom?

239
00:09:52,920 --> 00:09:54,790
I'm in the kitchen.
We got to get going.

240
00:09:54,790 --> 00:09:56,420
The carnival starts
in a half an hour.

241
00:09:56,420 --> 00:09:58,080
Are you done
with your new costume?

242
00:09:58,080 --> 00:10:03,080
Yep. Presenting one of the great
artists of the 20th century...

243
00:10:07,960 --> 00:10:11,290
I can't believe you made that
in two days!

244
00:10:11,290 --> 00:10:12,790
Frida Kahlo --
you look just like

245
00:10:12,790 --> 00:10:14,380
that famous painting
of her.

246
00:10:14,380 --> 00:10:16,670
Yeah,
you got a mustache...

247
00:10:16,670 --> 00:10:18,880
and one up top there
as a backup.

248
00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:22,040
I just really like
her style.

249
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:24,830
She was in that art book Mom
stole for me from the library.

250
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:27,790
It was an art book
in Lanford.

251
00:10:27,790 --> 00:10:29,620
Nobody'll even know
it's missing.

252
00:10:29,620 --> 00:10:31,670
♪♪

253
00:10:31,670 --> 00:10:32,540
Hello.

254
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:33,540
Happy Halloween.
Happy Halloween.

255
00:10:33,540 --> 00:10:34,790
Hey!

256
00:10:34,790 --> 00:10:37,540
Do not fear. It is not
the real Invisible Man.

257
00:10:37,540 --> 00:10:39,790
It is my son,
Kazim.

258
00:10:39,790 --> 00:10:42,460
I don't see anybody.
Where is he?

259
00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,120
I'm right here.

260
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:46,120
I hear him,
but I can't see him.

261
00:10:47,500 --> 00:10:49,330
Can I go inside now?

262
00:10:49,330 --> 00:10:51,670
You could already be inside,
for all I know.

263
00:10:53,500 --> 00:10:56,250
Thank you for inviting us over
for Halloween.

264
00:10:56,250 --> 00:10:58,330
We weren't so thrilled
about Halloween

265
00:10:58,330 --> 00:11:02,170
because last year,
you people vandalized us.

266
00:11:02,170 --> 00:11:03,500
We did that to everybody.

267
00:11:04,830 --> 00:11:06,830
Well, yeah, we talked
about not doing your house,

268
00:11:06,830 --> 00:11:09,080
but we thought you might feel
discriminated against.

269
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:12,330
♪ Toasted eyeballs
drenched in -- ♪

270
00:11:12,330 --> 00:11:14,330
So, Dan, I would like
to introduce you

271
00:11:14,330 --> 00:11:16,380
to my new friend,
Peter.

272
00:11:16,380 --> 00:11:18,670
Hey, man.
Nice to meet you.

273
00:11:18,670 --> 00:11:21,170
Great...Two-Face costume.

274
00:11:21,170 --> 00:11:22,670
Oh, good to meet you, too.

275
00:11:22,670 --> 00:11:24,540
But, uh, tonight,
I'm actually dressed

276
00:11:24,540 --> 00:11:27,170
as the mind/body dualism
of Descartes.

277
00:11:28,170 --> 00:11:30,620
I've often ordered
des carte.

278
00:11:30,620 --> 00:11:33,290
But, of course, you know,
it's more expensive that way.

279
00:11:36,040 --> 00:11:37,540
What?

280
00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,120
Dan, when you invited me,

281
00:11:39,120 --> 00:11:42,210
I dialed up a couple
of fun facts about Halloween,

282
00:11:42,210 --> 00:11:44,120
so hold on
to your bicorn hat.

283
00:11:45,540 --> 00:11:47,620
[ Chuckles ]
More about that later.

284
00:11:47,620 --> 00:11:49,710
Did you know
that Halloween came

285
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:53,620
from the Celtic festival
of Samhain?

286
00:11:53,620 --> 00:11:56,710
I heard that,
but I didn't believe it.

287
00:11:56,710 --> 00:11:58,620
Right? It marked
the end of the summer

288
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:01,040
and the beginning
of the dark, cold winter,

289
00:12:01,040 --> 00:12:02,920
which they associated
with death --

290
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,540
ergo,
ghosts and goblins.

291
00:12:05,540 --> 00:12:07,710
I'll be darned.

292
00:12:07,710 --> 00:12:10,250
Well, we got jello with eyeballs
in the fridge

293
00:12:10,250 --> 00:12:11,460
and beer if you want it.

294
00:12:11,460 --> 00:12:14,250
And Peter has a master's
in medieval culture,

295
00:12:14,250 --> 00:12:15,500
among other things.

296
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:17,120
Tell him
the best part, honey.

297
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,790
Oh, it gets better,
honey?

298
00:12:19,790 --> 00:12:22,170
Repeating a word
that was said before -- funny.

299
00:12:24,170 --> 00:12:26,420
But the best part
is that the Celts believed

300
00:12:26,420 --> 00:12:28,920
that the boundaries
between the world of the living

301
00:12:28,920 --> 00:12:31,790
and of the dead
were blurred on that day,

302
00:12:31,790 --> 00:12:34,290
so they wore costumes
to fool the demons,

303
00:12:34,290 --> 00:12:36,460
thus avoiding
being dragged to Hell.

304
00:12:36,460 --> 00:12:40,250
Amazing. I could listen
to this man talk for hours.

305
00:12:40,250 --> 00:12:41,750
And I could let you.

306
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:45,620
There's got to be kids
at the door.

307
00:12:45,620 --> 00:12:47,580
Maybe the bell's
on the fritz.

308
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:49,830
Uh, sorry.
I might be boring you.

309
00:12:49,830 --> 00:12:51,960
I guess you're more of a --
a football guy.

310
00:12:53,290 --> 00:12:56,960
Yeah, that's me --
Joe Lunchpail.

311
00:12:56,960 --> 00:12:59,620
I read a book once,
but it was a comic book.

312
00:12:59,620 --> 00:13:01,290
I finished 'er, though.

313
00:13:02,460 --> 00:13:05,000
Comic books have
a very storied history.

314
00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:08,120
Many of the archetypes come
from Anglo-Saxon myth,

315
00:13:08,120 --> 00:13:09,460
particularly Beowulf.

316
00:13:09,460 --> 00:13:12,330
I've heard this story,
but you know who hasn't?

317
00:13:12,330 --> 00:13:13,380
Becky.

318
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:19,290
[ Spooky music plays,
indistinct conversations ]

319
00:13:21,620 --> 00:13:23,290
Ah.
And what are you?

320
00:13:23,290 --> 00:13:26,790
I'm poor,
back when poor was funny.

321
00:13:26,790 --> 00:13:28,790
Hey! Look at you!

322
00:13:28,790 --> 00:13:30,460
[ Chuckles ]

323
00:13:30,460 --> 00:13:32,000
Listen, we love having Mark
at the school,

324
00:13:32,000 --> 00:13:34,420
but he can't come in
wearing that.

325
00:13:34,420 --> 00:13:35,830
Why not?

326
00:13:35,830 --> 00:13:39,330
Your son dressed as Frida Kahlo
could be perceived as offensive.

327
00:13:39,330 --> 00:13:41,170
Didn't you get the e-mail
three months ago?

328
00:13:41,170 --> 00:13:43,170
Three months?!

329
00:13:43,170 --> 00:13:44,210
Listen, I just found out

330
00:13:44,210 --> 00:13:45,670
I haven't had a mammogram
in five years.

331
00:13:45,670 --> 00:13:46,880
I'm a little behind.

332
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:48,670
♪♪

333
00:13:52,330 --> 00:13:53,500
I-I'm sorry,
Mr. Swindell.

334
00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:54,830
What exactly is the problem
with his costume?

335
00:13:54,830 --> 00:13:57,170
He is dressed
as an Hispanic woman.

336
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,250
That falls under
cultural appropriation.

337
00:13:59,250 --> 00:14:02,750
No, it's cultural appreciation.
He loves Frida Kahlo.

338
00:14:02,750 --> 00:14:04,670
The guidelines were clear.

339
00:14:04,670 --> 00:14:06,000
He has not experienced

340
00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,880
what a person of that ethnicity
has experienced.

341
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:10,920
Therefore, he does not have
a legitimate entitlement

342
00:14:10,920 --> 00:14:14,420
to use or wear any element
of their ethnic identity.

343
00:14:14,420 --> 00:14:17,540
Could you just let the grapes
go by, please?

344
00:14:17,540 --> 00:14:20,710
That's not a comment
on migrant workers, is it?

345
00:14:20,710 --> 00:14:22,460
All right, go ahead.
Go ahead. Thanks.

346
00:14:24,580 --> 00:14:26,380
Now, please, I don't want Mark
to miss the carnival.

347
00:14:26,380 --> 00:14:28,960
Just lose the costume.
You can come right in.

348
00:14:28,960 --> 00:14:30,710
I worked hard
on this costume.

349
00:14:30,710 --> 00:14:33,250
I made it especially
for this carnival.

350
00:14:33,250 --> 00:14:35,380
Can't I please come in?

351
00:14:35,380 --> 00:14:37,790
Listen, I get what the rule
is for. I really do.

352
00:14:37,790 --> 00:14:39,880
But sometimes
the good intention of the rule

353
00:14:39,880 --> 00:14:42,210
gets taken a little far,
don't you think?

354
00:14:42,210 --> 00:14:44,710
Why don't you grow a pair,
Mr. Swine-dell?

355
00:14:44,710 --> 00:14:47,460
That's right -- I came up with
that nickname 30 years ago.

356
00:14:47,460 --> 00:14:50,210
And start judging Mark
on an individual basis,

357
00:14:50,210 --> 00:14:54,120
instead of lumping him
into some category on a list.

358
00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:56,830
Okay, we just want
to go in there and spend $10 --

359
00:14:56,830 --> 00:14:58,960
which I do not have --
on the ring toss

360
00:14:58,960 --> 00:15:02,290
so I can win a goldfish
that will die in my car!

361
00:15:02,290 --> 00:15:04,080
Or we can stand here

362
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:06,120
and continue
traumatizing my child,

363
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:08,580
which I know I'm not helping
by yelling at you!

364
00:15:09,580 --> 00:15:12,120
I know about the nickname,
Dark-lene.

365
00:15:13,620 --> 00:15:15,790
But I'm sorry.
Rules are rules.

366
00:15:15,790 --> 00:15:18,620
And by the way, don't you still
owe us money for the field trip?

367
00:15:18,620 --> 00:15:20,750
Uh, yes, I do,
and I will get it to you

368
00:15:20,750 --> 00:15:22,080
as soon as I get
a second job.

369
00:15:22,080 --> 00:15:24,830
Apparently, I'm not rude
in an entertaining way.

370
00:15:24,830 --> 00:15:26,920
Yeah, I think I'm gonna go ahead
and agree with that.

371
00:15:29,580 --> 00:15:30,920
God.

372
00:15:33,750 --> 00:15:35,420
I'm sorry I yelled
at your principal.

373
00:15:35,420 --> 00:15:38,170
I mean, that is not the kind of
example I want to set for you.

374
00:15:38,170 --> 00:15:41,460
No. That's the coolest thing
I've ever seen.

375
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:43,790
From now on,
nobody's gonna bully the kid

376
00:15:43,790 --> 00:15:46,460
with the psycho mom
wearing a barrel.

377
00:15:46,460 --> 00:15:47,960
Well, we stood up
for our principles,

378
00:15:47,960 --> 00:15:49,170
and we did
the right thing,

379
00:15:49,170 --> 00:15:50,790
and so we should
be proud of that.

380
00:15:51,790 --> 00:15:54,290
Now let's go find
some tall grass so I can pee.

381
00:15:55,500 --> 00:15:59,210
♪♪

382
00:15:59,210 --> 00:16:02,380
Aww! Aren't you
a cute princess.

383
00:16:02,380 --> 00:16:03,880
Trick or Treat!

384
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:05,290
Uh-oh.

385
00:16:05,290 --> 00:16:07,790
I see you have
a king-size candy bar.

386
00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,500
Caught this
just in time.

387
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:12,120
These are
full of cooties.

388
00:16:13,960 --> 00:16:16,040
I'll throw that out
for you.

389
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:20,670
And I'll give you
two candy corns...

390
00:16:20,670 --> 00:16:24,330
and a popcorn ball
we found on the couch.

391
00:16:24,330 --> 00:16:25,670
Happy Halloween!

392
00:16:25,670 --> 00:16:27,170
She's adorable!

393
00:16:31,040 --> 00:16:32,710
You should be
ashamed of yourself,

394
00:16:32,710 --> 00:16:34,750
taking candy
from a child...

395
00:16:34,750 --> 00:16:36,420
and not giving me half.

396
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:39,750
Here you go.

397
00:16:39,750 --> 00:16:42,920
I think you'll find
the shame makes it delicious.

398
00:16:45,210 --> 00:16:46,330
Hey, Grandpa.

399
00:16:46,330 --> 00:16:48,000
Is this
about the car again?
No.

400
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,380
I just wanted
to let you know

401
00:16:49,380 --> 00:16:51,540
that I've been offered a job
at the Dairy Queen.

402
00:16:51,540 --> 00:16:53,250
Good for you.

403
00:16:53,250 --> 00:16:55,000
But how will I get there,
you ask.

404
00:16:55,000 --> 00:16:57,250
I don't really care.

405
00:16:57,250 --> 00:16:59,920
Well, since you brought up
the car, let's talk about it.

406
00:16:59,920 --> 00:17:01,920
I can pay for insurance
and gas.

407
00:17:01,920 --> 00:17:03,080
And I just have to say,

408
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:04,880
you have the hair
of a man half your age.

409
00:17:04,880 --> 00:17:06,460
All right, stop.

410
00:17:06,460 --> 00:17:07,790
Here's the deal.

411
00:17:07,790 --> 00:17:09,290
You're gonna drive me to work
for a month,

412
00:17:09,290 --> 00:17:12,790
with me screaming in your face
every day.

413
00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:15,460
When I'm sure
you're not gonna hurt anyone,

414
00:17:15,460 --> 00:17:16,750
you can use the car.

415
00:17:16,750 --> 00:17:17,790
Yes! Thank you!

416
00:17:17,790 --> 00:17:20,120
I will do my best
not to kill you.

417
00:17:22,710 --> 00:17:24,290
Why are you being so hard
on her?

418
00:17:24,290 --> 00:17:25,880
I don't want her
wrecking the car.

419
00:17:25,880 --> 00:17:28,120
Why are you worried?
Just put her on your insurance.

420
00:17:28,120 --> 00:17:29,420
I'm on there.

421
00:17:29,420 --> 00:17:31,790
[ Chuckles ]

422
00:17:31,790 --> 00:17:33,290
[ Laughing ]
Yeah, sure you are.

423
00:17:37,210 --> 00:17:38,880
Well?
"Well" what?

424
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:40,750
Come on. Come on.
What do you think about Peter?

425
00:17:40,750 --> 00:17:41,750
He's nice.

426
00:17:41,750 --> 00:17:42,920
Nice?

427
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:44,750
That's it?

428
00:17:44,750 --> 00:17:46,830
Before, I had my sister around
to vet my boyfriends

429
00:17:46,830 --> 00:17:48,920
and tell me if I was making
a huge mistake.

430
00:17:48,920 --> 00:17:52,120
Can you do a little of that --
just be honest?

431
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:54,960
Well, he does seem
to know a lot,

432
00:17:54,960 --> 00:17:57,080
and he's not shy
about sharing it.

433
00:17:57,080 --> 00:17:58,960
Okay. That's fair.

434
00:17:58,960 --> 00:18:00,080
What else?

435
00:18:00,080 --> 00:18:02,460
Uh, well, he --
he's the kind of guy

436
00:18:02,460 --> 00:18:04,460
that even though you haven't
spent much time with him,

437
00:18:04,460 --> 00:18:06,460
it feels like you've spent
a lot of time with him.

438
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,790
[ Laughing ]
Sure. Sure.

439
00:18:08,790 --> 00:18:11,580
That's it, though?
Th-That's all you got?

440
00:18:11,580 --> 00:18:12,960
I just want you
to be honest.

441
00:18:12,960 --> 00:18:15,500
Really dig deep,
really find some flaws.

442
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:16,830
Roseanne would tell me
how she felt,

443
00:18:16,830 --> 00:18:18,960
and I'd blow up at her
for meddling,

444
00:18:18,960 --> 00:18:20,460
but I'd hear it.

445
00:18:21,620 --> 00:18:24,420
I get it.
Um, all right.

446
00:18:24,420 --> 00:18:27,120
Uh, I'm new at this,
but here it goes.

447
00:18:27,120 --> 00:18:29,210
Uh, I-I think
I might hate him,

448
00:18:29,210 --> 00:18:30,960
but I really need
more time.

449
00:18:30,960 --> 00:18:32,460
See?

450
00:18:32,460 --> 00:18:34,290
That's a different
perspective.

451
00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:35,460
Thank you.

452
00:18:35,460 --> 00:18:36,670
It is a little weird

453
00:18:36,670 --> 00:18:39,210
that Peter doesn't have a job
at 48 years old.

454
00:18:39,210 --> 00:18:40,380
[ Laughs ]

455
00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:43,210
I knew you'd try
and destroy this.

456
00:18:43,210 --> 00:18:44,330
I don't know why I bother

457
00:18:44,330 --> 00:18:45,960
talking to anybody
in this family.

458
00:18:45,960 --> 00:18:48,880
And by the way,
do you know how hard it is

459
00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:52,500
to find a single guy
in his 40s with a job?!

460
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:55,120
He's a damn unicorn!

461
00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:56,790
That's what he is!

462
00:18:56,790 --> 00:19:00,670
♪♪

463
00:19:00,670 --> 00:19:01,670
Hey, Grandpa.

464
00:19:01,670 --> 00:19:03,620
Hey.
How was the carnival?

465
00:19:03,620 --> 00:19:04,790
We didn't go.

466
00:19:04,790 --> 00:19:07,170
Mark and I wandered
around the creepy cemetery

467
00:19:07,170 --> 00:19:09,170
behind
the old Lanford church.

468
00:19:09,170 --> 00:19:11,000
We found
all these tombstones

469
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:14,250
with Hortenses and Ebenezers
and Obediahs.

470
00:19:14,250 --> 00:19:16,250
How come they only lived
'til they were 40?

471
00:19:16,250 --> 00:19:19,670
Well, when people are constantly
making fun of your name,

472
00:19:19,670 --> 00:19:21,830
it's just too painful
to go on.

473
00:19:23,670 --> 00:19:25,040
So, why'd you skip
the carnival?

474
00:19:25,040 --> 00:19:26,710
They said
I couldn't be Frida Kahlo

475
00:19:26,710 --> 00:19:28,670
because I'm not Mexican.

476
00:19:28,670 --> 00:19:29,920
And?

477
00:19:29,920 --> 00:19:32,000
Mom went crazy
on the principal.

478
00:19:33,210 --> 00:19:34,380
You really
went after him, huh?

479
00:19:34,380 --> 00:19:35,380
I did.

480
00:19:35,380 --> 00:19:36,670
Way to go, Dark-lene.

481
00:19:38,830 --> 00:19:40,580
Look, you were still
mostly wrong,

482
00:19:40,580 --> 00:19:42,540
but this guy
was mostly wrong, too.

483
00:19:42,540 --> 00:19:44,580
So what have we learned?
Men are wrong.

484
00:19:46,040 --> 00:19:47,540
Um, Mom, I'm a man.

485
00:19:47,540 --> 00:19:49,120
Yes, you are, son.

486
00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,790
Welcome to Wrong Island.

487
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,040
Anyway, way to go,

488
00:19:54,040 --> 00:19:56,120
kicking the snot
out of that principal.

489
00:19:56,120 --> 00:19:59,540
Well, he's a beaten old man,
and he's wildly underpaid,

490
00:19:59,540 --> 00:20:01,120
so, yeah,
I'm pretty proud of myself.

491
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:02,210
♪♪

492
00:20:05,580 --> 00:20:07,040
Slow down. School zone.

493
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:09,040
I see it.

494
00:20:09,040 --> 00:20:11,040
Aah!
[ Both scream, tires screech ]

495
00:20:11,040 --> 00:20:12,380
Mary?

496
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:14,210
Mary.

497
00:20:14,210 --> 00:20:17,210
Good prank,
but the wrong time.

498
00:20:17,210 --> 00:20:18,620
Oh. Sorry.

499
00:20:18,620 --> 00:20:20,920
[ Engine revs ]

500
00:20:20,920 --> 00:20:23,040
Aah!
[ Both scream, tires screech ]

501
00:20:23,040 --> 00:20:25,710
Mary, Mary,
not a different time.

502
00:20:25,710 --> 00:20:27,460
I mean
when somebody's not driving.

503
00:20:27,460 --> 00:20:28,880
Mailbox! Mailbox!!

504
00:20:28,880 --> 00:20:30,120
[ Tires screech ]