[ Cellphone chimes ]
Ah. David just parked.
You know, I don't think I've ever met Mark's dad.
Well, we've actually been separated for years,
so he's never been to a parent-teacher conference before.
He was working overseas. Oh.
Not for money, but, um...
But he's a good dad... yeah.
Not a great dad, or he would've been on time.
I'm just -- I'm just kidding.
We have that kind of relationship,
you know, when he's not around.
Oh, so, so sorry we're late.
Who's this?
This is my girlfriend, Blue.
Blue, this is Darlene,
and -- and Mark's teacher, Mrs...um, Reynolds.
Thank you for having me,
member of the noblest profession.
Ah, and it's so nice to finally meet you, Darlene.
Yes, it's... nice to meet you, too.
And what a delightful surprise that it's happening here!
I should've told you that Blue was coming,
but at the last minute,
she felt that --
I-I mean we felt that if she was here,
she could be a more profound part
of Mark's life journey.
Yeah, I've only met Mark twice,
but I've known him forever.
And, you know, like they say, the more parents, the better!
Um...who says that? No one says that.
So, why don't we get started.
Uh, yeah, sorry.
I'm -- I'm anxious to hear how Mark's doing in his new class.
First, Mark is an absolute pleasure,
although he can be... a little too talkative at times.
That is so Mark.
I'm always saying that. He's so highly verbal.
Totally. You would know, 'cause you've met him twice, so...
So, uh... Mark's a big talker?
Is that -- Is that affecting his schoolwork?
No. Honestly, it's a struggle to keep him challenged.
W-W-Well, you know, if you think
he needs some extra work to challenge him,
we can help him when the kids stay over this weekend.
H-Hold up. What -- The kids are staying over?
I never agreed to that.
Huh. My smart watch is telling me to get up and move,
and, I don't know, now seems like a good time.
You said the kids could sleep over sometimes.
That's just something you say, like,
"They're your kids, too."
Come on.
I'm trying to make up for lost time here.
Fine. They can sleep over.
[ Chuckles ] And you do not have to worry.
I lived on a weed commune...
...where we all shared in the raising of the children.
Oh, yeah, sure. Well, it's easier that way
when you're too stoned to know whose kid is whose.
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
Ah, damn. [ Clears throat ]
You okay?
Ah, I'm short a guy at work.
My back's acting up from hangin' drywall.
Turns out...
I forgot to eat right and exercise
for the last 50 years.
It's never too late.
That's what they say, but...
it is.
Hey, Beck.
What do you need?
Willpower or a beer.
Once again, we have a winner!
Hey, you know what, Deej?
If you want to pick up a couple extra bucks,
you could help out on my crew.
I am slammed at work.
You know the servicing of vending machines,
it's not just collecting coins.
Vandals scratch curse words into the glass.
And they say firemen are heroes.
Hey, Dad?
Mm-hmm?
How come you didn't ask me to do drywall?
'Cause I'm a girl? [ Sighs ]
Wait, you're not gonna get me with that one.
No, I didn't ask you because you're a woman.
Come on. I could really use the extra money.
I'm saving to put a down payment on a mobile home
with a patio and a tree that you can tie yourself to
when the tornado comes.
I'd love to, Beck, but it's construction.
I'm not comfortable having you around
all that rough language and dirty jokes,
and I don't think I can cut back.
Women built the pyramids, Dad.
I don't know if that's true,
but I like how quick you came up with it.
So, is that a yes?
All right, Butch. We'll give it a shot.
Oh!
And, Mom, we'll be fine.
Don't text me every five minutes when I'm with Dad and Blue.
I won't.
Just remember, any nice feelings you have about her...
hurt me.
Are you jealous because new mommy is so pretty?
Ohh. That was rough.
I'm a little wounded... and kinda proud.
Harris, you come from a long line of sharp-tongued women
who have found that this particular gift
keeps them from having any truly successful relationships
outside the family.
[ Knock on door, door opens ]
Hey. You got everything?
Everything but happiness.
I mean I'm working on it with a new boyfriend.
Sorry, I-I-I meant bags.
Oh, yeah, we got baggage...
but... [Clears throat]
we're aware of it, and as a life coach,
I know that once you're aware of the problem,
then you can begin that long, long process.
Uh, yeah...
sensing that you're still living alone?
Uh, no, no, I've got Bev with me now.
Talking to her is a challenge.
Did you know that she was beautiful in her day
but neither of her daughters inherited that?
[ Laughs nervously ]
So strange being in this house without your mom.
When you and I were having problems,
she'd always take me aside and say,
"David, I can't understand you when you're crying."
Well, you were the daughter she always wanted. [ Chuckles ]
How you doing?
Mm.
Up and down.
Well, things look like they're going really well with you and Blue.
Yeah. Thank you for being so accepting of it.
Oh, yeah, no problem.
Um...did you tell her
that we slept together like three months ago?
I just need to know in case I mention it in passing.
Please do not do that.
Okay, but let's be brutally honest.
After we had sex, you were totally ready to ditch Blue.
Well...
It was great sex.
Yeah. It was.
[ Chuckling ] Don't -- Don't...confuse me.
I-I really think I found something that works.
[ Scoffs ] Really? With her?
Yeah.
Yes, I think I found my soulmate.
That's great. [ Chuckles ]
I mean, I just wanted clarity.
As long as we're clear, it's great.
Hi, Dad.
Oh, me. Yeah. Hi. Hi, son.
What happened to your socks and shoes?
We're grounding.
Harris and I are gonna do it this weekend with Blue.
She says it's a way to be more connected to Mother Earth.
Uncle David's girlfriend, Blue, says God is in the dirt.
You replaced this wonderful woman
with "God is in the dirt" woman?
Great to see you, Geena.
I see the war has softened you.
Hello, everyone. Name's Becky.
Not gonna lie, I'm also the boss's daughter.
Just because I may own this business one day
should not affect how you treat me.
Good morning, Miss Healy.
Nice to see you on time for your first day.
What's in here?
Water. Duh!
Water has bubbles when you shake it.
There's no bubbles when I shake this.
[ Sniffs ] This vodka?
Oh, my God.
Okay...
Who put vodka in my water bottle?
Dwight?
So not cool, man.
Guys, would you go out and unload my truck?
Thanks.
What the hell's going on?
It's 6:30 in the morning.
Sorry, Dad.
I usually take a shot
before I start at the restaurant.
Sober Becky wasn't getting really good tips.
Here's a tip --
if somebody gets hurt on this job,
I lose my license.
That's why I have a zero-tolerance policy
for alcohol!
And the union's okay with that?
Is this going to be a problem?
Okay, fine.
Sober Becky it is.
We'll all get to know her together.
How come those glasses are still full?
Ha ha!
Señoritas' night.
I-I want to have fun.
I just keep thinking about how David and his crazy girlfriend
are playing house with my kids.
Well, you're here, you're out,
you're two shots away from losing Darlene
and discovering...
Dah-leenah!
Look, I know it's hard to hear,
but David found someone, and so should you.
There is a room full of guys here.
And you're a catch.
You're an educated,
diabetes-free woman in Lanford?
There's only two of us.
All right, let's make this a drinking game.
Every time we spot a guy who looks like
he doesn't have a job, we take a drink,
and then you'll have the courage
to approach the ones who do.
I'm in.
Plaid shirt at two o'clock. Check it out.
He's wearing a watch with a leather band.
Yeah, but nobody wears a watch anymore.
That means he can't afford a phone.
No job!
Hey.
That guy's stitches are even.
Them there's doctor stitches.
Healthcare -- job!
If you're not gonna hit that, I will.
Okay, this is pathetic.
Hunting for men or our lives aren't complete?
We're better than that.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Can I buy you a drink?
Oh, hi. Yeah, sure.
Gin and tonic?
Yes.
While you're doing that,
I'm gonna get the 411 on Stitches for ya.
Uh, two gin and tonics, please.
I'm sorry. W-What kind of gin do you prefer?
Oh, you choose.
Sure, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes the man chooses. [ Chuckles ]
Uh, well...
Let's see, they got the one with the fancy English guard guy.
But, you know, once you put the tonic in,
it most likely is gonna taste the same anyway.
You know what?
We should probably be looking at tonics.
Uh, d-do you have a list of tonics?
Um...
Two English guard guys and your best tonic.
Y-You're not with somebody, right?
Oh, no, I was, but that was, like,
20 years ago, so I think I'm free.
[ Chuckles ]
Uh, I'm Darlene.
I-I got to tell you, I --
I love your curly hair.
But you probably hate it, right?
Everybody always wants what they don't have.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. I'm kind of a direct person.
I assume you're talking to me because,
at some point, you want all this small talk to lead to sex?
It doesn't have to.
No, no, no, it's okay.
I'm seriously considering it.
Stitches was a bust.
[ Clears throat ] Horse kicked him in the head.
He's not all there.
♪♪
Hey.
Oh, hey. Hi, you.
Uh, I was just on my way out.
Let me get my shoes on.
Do you mind if we go inside and talk for a minute?
Oh, yeah, just -- just a minute.
I'm late to the place I was clearly on my way to.
I just thought I'd stop by and give you an update
on how things are going.
Uh...
Mark's fine and...
Harris is fine, too.
Why would you come over here
to tell me everything's fine?
All right, uh...
Something happened but nothing's wrong.
Does it look like I'm enjoying this game?
Harris had a friend over, um...
a boy... and they had sex.
What?!
Wha-- How -- What do you --
How could you let this happen?!
I was at work and I-I know that's no excuse
and I-I feel horrible.
Wait, w-why were you at work
when you were supposed to be watching our kids?!
I couldn't help it.
I started my job at Trader Joe's,
and they made me work overtime
to do all the stupid chalkboards.
They really like my drawings,
which makes me feel good, but on the other hand --
David!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Look, I-I-I was just as upset as you are right now,
but...
here's the good news.
Blue was there
and Harris ended up telling her what happened
and they really bonded over it.
[ Scoffs ] Oh, good.
That's the first thing I was worried about --
how will this affect Blue?!
I know that there's a lot to talk about,
and we will, but I have to go to work now.
[ Scoffs ] I n-- I need this job.
They want me to open early to stock the stone fruit.
It -- It's actually a pretty big vote of confidence.
Where are you going?
To your house to get my kids.
Stop!
What?!
I don't know. I didn't expect the "stop" to work, so...
[ Knock on door ]
Where are they?
David told me you would probably be upset.
Come here.
Don't touch me!
I want my kids.
Well, they're upstairs getting ready to go.
Harris!
You know what?
I -- As soon as you found out this happened,
you should have called me.
I don't have a cellphone.
They kill bees.
Oh, okay, I'm sorry.
See, I didn't realize you're out of your mind.
That explains how you got suckered into
letting a 16-year-old be alone with a boy.
Harris did not trick me, okay?
We had a very powerful discussion about sex
and the female body
and getting our needs met
before anything even happened.
Do not move!
You're saying you knew about this before it happened?
You crystal-licking, patchouli-smelling hippie bitch!
Hey. I, uh...
forgot my chalk.
So...
...how's everything going?
Um, Darlene is working through her anger
to get to a more mature place.
I will kill you! O-Okay, okay, all right.
That's -- That's -- That's a good...starting point.
Uh, Blue, how do you feel about Darlene wanting to...
kill you?
I think you should get her out of our house.
Oh, my pleasure, Blue.
Harris, why don't you go upstairs and get your stuff
and find your brother and knock the crack pipe out of his hand
and meet me in the car!
Hey, Mark, I'm about to talk to your sister about sex.
You want to listen in?
Okay, he can't hear anything.
Okay, first of all...
...are you okay?
Yes.
Well, how well do you know this boy?
Pretty well.
Better now.
Look, I know you're mad at me, but I'm not stupid.
I've heard everything you've said to me about sex since I was 11.
Well, then, why didn't you come to me?
Did you tell your mom you were going to have sex?
No. My mom relentlessly grilled me.
That's why I didn't push you.
I was waiting for you to talk to me when you were ready.
[ Sighs deeply ]
What's up?
Just checking my texts.
Oh, nothing from him?
Not yet.
I'm sorry. Boys can be really stupid.
They're training for being men.
[ Clears throat ]
He'll call.
You know, or he won't, and you'll be fine either way.
So, your big thing is that...
you want me to come to you with all my personal problems and stuff,
and you won't judge me?
[ Chuckles ] Yeah, that's exactly what I want.
Okay, then we need to stop at a drug store for a morning-after pill,
because I'm worried that we used the condom wrong.
I know I'm old enough to get the pill by myself,
but I'd feel better if you came with me.
Who talks to their mom about that kind of stuff?
Hey, Deej. I bought the "Mamma Mia!" soundtrack.
You want to listen?
Score! Yes!
Okay, great. I wanted to talk to you in private.
What's up?
I've been thinking about what you said...
and you're right.
I don't actually think I can go a whole day...
...without drinking.
Okay. I want to hear a plan.
I believe I can give you
a good half-day's work for now...
...and then work on getting the other half together.
W-What are we talkin' about? A month? A year?
Until after Oktoberfest?
I forgot about Oktoberfest. I love Oktoberfest.
I'm gonna give you six weeks,
and if you still don't have it under control,
I'm gonna have to pull the job.
I know I can stop.
I hope so.
[ Loudly ] Pierce Brosnan is a much better singer
than he gets credit for!
[ Knock on door ]
Hey. What do you want?
I'd like to say goodnight to the kids.
Okay, Mark is already asleep,
but if you want, you can go tuck Harris and her boyfriend in.
I deserve that.
Oh, before you go up, we should talk.
Look, I-I know I screwed up.
The only thing I can say is that, in the future,
I will watch her like a hawk.
Yeah, you better, because from now on,
they're not coming over unless you're gonna be home.
And Blue can't be part of parenting decisions.
Fine. But she's going to be a part of the kids' lives.
She's gonna be at all the major life events,
like high-school graduations and college drop-offs.
Okay, great.
If -- If any of our kids graduate from high school
or go to college,
you can bring Blue and all the rest of the primary colors.
Will you quit making fun of her name?
They named her Blue
because she wasn't breathing when she was born.
Wow. That explains a lot.
Um...there's one last thing.
Yeah.
[ Voice breaking ] It's clear that things are serious
with you and Blue, so...
...um, I think it's time we get a divorce.
Yeah, sure, no, I'm...
It makes sense.
It's gonna be weird not being married to you.
Yeah, I would've thought it got weird
when you started living with another woman, but...
[ Chuckles ]
Yeah.
[ Sniffles ]
I-It'll be weird not being married to you, too.
[ Cellphone chimes ]
What's up?
Oh, um, nothing.
I don't know, actually, um...
I don't know why I'm hiding this.
Uh...
I-I met a guy at the bar the other night,
and, uh, he wants to go out on Friday.
With me.
Cool.
So you like him?
Oh, I don't know. I mean, we only went out once.
But, you know, I think he could be my soulmate.
They're old enough to behave like adults,
but they don't think like adults.
You just got to hang in there.
[ Sighs ]
I don't know how you handled it,
with me sneaking in and out of Darlene's bedroom all the time.
You guys were right downstairs when we were going at it.
We weren't exactly quiet.
You know, David... [Sighs]
if you disappeared,
everybody would think you just ran off again.
I pushed too hard. I felt it.