1 00:00:07,107 --> 00:00:10,677 Oh, the conners is live in front of a fully vaccinated 2 00:00:10,677 --> 00:00:11,545 studio audience. 3 00:00:11,545 --> 00:00:14,147 Wait, what? 4 00:00:14,147 --> 00:00:18,919 I thought d. J. Wasn't allowed to cook since the great grease 5 00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,020 fire of '07. 6 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:23,323 Leave him alone. I'm just glad to see two people 7 00:00:23,323 --> 00:00:24,825 cooking in this kitchen at the same time. 8 00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:28,128 It gives the illusion that all of our appliances actually work. 9 00:00:28,128 --> 00:00:31,832 [ Laughter ] 10 00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,735 You know, I think doing that all the time finally broke the 11 00:00:34,735 --> 00:00:39,840 seal that keeps the microwaves in. I was heating up a cup of tea 12 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:42,910 and it cooked the chicken that was sitting on the counter. 13 00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:46,713 You know, you can still change your mind about marrying 14 00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,749 into this group of maniacs. 15 00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:53,120 Because once you're in, you can't get out. I know. I tried. 16 00:00:53,120 --> 00:00:56,857 Just stop. Shaw ain't ascared of none of 17 00:00:56,857 --> 00:00:57,222 yas. 18 00:00:57,222 --> 00:01:00,627 She's only seen us on our best behavior. 19 00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,030 This is your best behavior? 20 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:08,368 Have you ever seen one of us wash our feet in the kitchen 21 00:01:08,368 --> 00:01:09,002 sink? 22 00:01:09,002 --> 00:01:12,739 Have you heard from Ben since he said he was thinking about 23 00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:13,440 breaking up with you? 24 00:01:13,440 --> 00:01:13,907 Nope. 25 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,310 I think you're playing it right. 26 00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:21,715 The best thing you can do is give him the space he canned for. 27 00:01:21,715 --> 00:01:24,785 Nothing good ever came from a man thinking too long. 28 00:01:24,785 --> 00:01:30,757 I put down a hefty deposit on an apartment to move in with 29 00:01:30,757 --> 00:01:31,090 him. 30 00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:36,029 There's an empowering message to your kids, I'm getting my 31 00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:36,797 mans back. 32 00:01:36,797 --> 00:01:40,233 You'll understand when you've destroyed a relationship by 33 00:01:40,233 --> 00:01:42,469 being a pathological liar like your mother. 34 00:01:42,469 --> 00:01:46,139 When I lie, I lie strategically. 35 00:01:46,139 --> 00:01:52,012 Pathological makes it sound like I can't control it. 36 00:01:52,012 --> 00:01:55,782 You were still going to Hawaii behind Ben's back. 37 00:01:55,782 --> 00:01:57,751 Stop using that behind me. 38 00:01:57,751 --> 00:02:02,022 It's always hard when your menopausal kid moves out for the 39 00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:05,392 fourth or fifth time. 40 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:11,198 Mark is up and there's no product in his hair. 41 00:02:11,198 --> 00:02:11,698 Something is wrong. 42 00:02:11,698 --> 00:02:15,502 I was up all night working on a school project. 43 00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:20,641 That's what you get for trying to pull yourself out of 44 00:02:20,641 --> 00:02:21,308 generational poverty. 45 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:24,845 We're rooting for you, but we'll save you a spot. 46 00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:27,347 My project is kind of about that. 47 00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:31,885 Some scientists say that choice we think we're making of our own 48 00:02:31,885 --> 00:02:35,422 free will are determined by our genes. So I'm going to call our 49 00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:39,059 relatives around the country to see if they are like us. 50 00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:42,663 Wouldn't be faster to just start looking for a cure? 51 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,666 I know I would be interested in something like that. 52 00:02:45,666 --> 00:02:47,434 What are you going to ask them? 53 00:02:47,434 --> 00:02:52,439 I'm going to see if they share our family traits, 54 00:02:52,439 --> 00:02:55,842 distrust of authority, low paying jobs, alcoholism. 55 00:02:55,842 --> 00:03:00,180 I have anticipated this. 56 00:03:00,180 --> 00:03:06,753 I have carefully cure rated the 57 00:03:06,753 --> 00:03:13,427 numbers of our family in this drawer. 58 00:03:13,427 --> 00:03:20,701 Dead, dead. He turned up in Pakistan. 59 00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,870 Cousin Kenny, you'll probably be recorded by the fed it is you 60 00:03:23,870 --> 00:03:25,639 call this. 61 00:03:25,639 --> 00:03:32,813 Let's try one right now. Hey, this is Mark Conner from 62 00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:37,184 the Lanford conners. Is this Adrian Conner? 63 00:03:37,184 --> 00:03:38,985 Yes, it is. How are you? 64 00:03:38,985 --> 00:03:40,921 Hey, where are you from? 65 00:03:40,921 --> 00:03:42,856 I'm from tampa, Florida. 66 00:03:42,856 --> 00:03:45,325 Nice. Well, cool, I'm here with my 67 00:03:45,325 --> 00:03:45,726 family right now. 68 00:03:45,726 --> 00:03:47,561 Hi! 69 00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:50,464 And I'm doing a survey about the conners for cool. 70 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:51,932 I would like to ask you a question. 71 00:03:51,932 --> 00:03:58,004 I have a relative who drinks beer all day and hides in the 72 00:03:58,004 --> 00:03:59,773 garage. Does your family ever get on you 73 00:03:59,773 --> 00:04:01,908 about any of your habits? 74 00:04:01,908 --> 00:04:07,614 Umm, not that problem. Bad habits, oh, yeah. 75 00:04:07,614 --> 00:04:12,419 I do have one bad habit of chewing my fingernails and I get 76 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:15,522 picked on for that. But I watch a lot of scary 77 00:04:15,522 --> 00:04:17,290 movies, so that's my xus. 78 00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:20,560 That's fair. Thanks for being a Conner. Bye. 79 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:25,932 Hey, what's this? 80 00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:26,967 [ Cheers and applause ] 81 00:04:29,369 --> 00:04:31,738 There you go, thanks, Robin. 82 00:04:31,738 --> 00:04:32,773 Thanks, Dan. 83 00:04:32,773 --> 00:04:36,476 Hey, I was just over at madame sweet cakes and took a 84 00:04:36,476 --> 00:04:39,112 picture of the most perfect wedding cake. What do you think? 85 00:04:39,112 --> 00:04:42,749 It's beautiful. But $400 is a lot unless we're 86 00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:44,284 going to live in it. 87 00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:44,617 [ Laughter ] 88 00:04:44,617 --> 00:04:47,554 Come on, it's cheaper than the other one I showed you. 89 00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:49,956 I keep telling you, it's not worth it. 90 00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:54,494 Once my family digs into that thing, it's going to look like a 91 00:04:54,494 --> 00:04:56,463 frosted seal after a shark frenzy. 92 00:04:56,463 --> 00:04:59,766 Hey, you guys. What do you think of this cake? 93 00:04:59,766 --> 00:05:06,473 Wow, $400. What is it made out of 94 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:08,942 understand elon mus income ‐‐ musk? 95 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:15,115 All right, I guess i'm outnumbered. See you later. 96 00:05:15,115 --> 00:05:19,653 We're just putting up some big screens for the lunchbox's 97 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:23,890 reopening at a sports bar, and we need mounts. 98 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:26,526 And Jackie needed a few things for crowd control. 99 00:05:26,526 --> 00:05:28,662 I'm filling in for aunt bk. 100 00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:33,600 We're going to open with a beer special. 101 00:05:33,600 --> 00:05:37,270 Bring your own bears helmet. I'm going to need an ax helmet 102 00:05:37,270 --> 00:05:40,340 and a taser. 103 00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:42,475 Aisle three. 104 00:05:42,475 --> 00:05:43,910 Hey, is Ben around? 105 00:05:43,910 --> 00:05:47,380 He's still living his best life in the little camping 106 00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:49,282 section in back. Good luck, honey. 107 00:05:49,282 --> 00:05:54,988 Thank you. I'm going to take a bag of these 108 00:05:54,988 --> 00:05:56,489 pork rinds. 109 00:05:56,489 --> 00:06:01,394 Better run, it's a lot further than you think. 110 00:06:01,394 --> 00:06:05,932 Darlene, it's the set 111 00:06:05,932 --> 00:06:12,105 opposite. 112 00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:14,207 [ Knock on door ] 113 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:14,540 Hey. 114 00:06:14,540 --> 00:06:17,344 Hello. Hey. 115 00:06:17,344 --> 00:06:19,846 I brought you some pork rinlds. 116 00:06:19,846 --> 00:06:22,682 Oh, thank you. I've had my eye on these since I 117 00:06:22,682 --> 00:06:25,185 put them on the rack. 118 00:06:25,185 --> 00:06:31,858 Uh, I also brought you this. 119 00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:35,829 Whoa. $1200 down on an apartment? 120 00:06:35,829 --> 00:06:41,735 No, I put $1200 down on us. I am dead serious about us 121 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:46,506 living together, and I want to show you that I'm finally 122 00:06:46,506 --> 00:06:48,909 putting you before everything else. 123 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:56,383 Okay. Well, this is big. I believe you're serious. 124 00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,250 And? 125 00:06:57,250 --> 00:07:00,520 Well, I wasn't expecting this. I might need a minute. 126 00:07:00,520 --> 00:07:03,590 Oh, yeah, yeah. I want you to be sure, because I 127 00:07:03,590 --> 00:07:10,897 know I am. So absolutely, take a minute. 128 00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:11,932 Oh, you didn't mean that literally. 129 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:23,310 Okay. 130 00:07:23,310 --> 00:07:26,379 Hi, is this Lisa Conner? 131 00:07:26,379 --> 00:07:28,281 Yes, it is. 132 00:07:28,281 --> 00:07:31,217 Hi. This is Mark Conner from the 133 00:07:31,217 --> 00:07:33,753 Lanford conners. My sister is going to ask you a 134 00:07:33,753 --> 00:07:36,656 question, but first, my family's broke and riddled with 135 00:07:36,656 --> 00:07:38,291 heartbreak. So what do you think is more 136 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:41,795 important, money or love and why? 137 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:46,533 Money. Because you can always buy love. 138 00:07:46,533 --> 00:07:50,070 Yeah, you're right. Fair enough. 139 00:07:50,070 --> 00:07:53,473 So here's my question. I'm a tattoo artist. 140 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:56,977 If I could give you any tattoo, what would it be? 141 00:07:56,977 --> 00:08:01,481 Umm, probably a flower. Just something generic and 142 00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:01,814 pretty. 143 00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:02,515 Okay. 144 00:08:02,515 --> 00:08:04,718 Something I could live with my whole life. 145 00:08:04,718 --> 00:08:05,051 [ Laughter ] 146 00:08:05,051 --> 00:08:06,619 Okay, cool. Well, thanks for being a Conner. 147 00:08:06,619 --> 00:08:09,556 Bye. 148 00:08:09,556 --> 00:08:18,732 [ Applause ] 149 00:08:18,732 --> 00:08:23,803 Excuse me. Can you tell me where Darlene 150 00:08:23,803 --> 00:08:24,938 Conner's office is. 151 00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,207 My I ask who is calling? 152 00:08:27,207 --> 00:08:29,642 Just tell her Ben, thanks. 153 00:08:29,642 --> 00:08:31,845 Oh, wow, you're Ben. Okay. 154 00:08:31,845 --> 00:08:35,348 You don't look like an uptight buzzkill at all. 155 00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:41,488 You look more like a hipster werewolf sort of guy. 156 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,858 Thanks for your opinion, guy, I didn't ask. And you are? 157 00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:48,528 Jeff. Jeff. Darlene is my boss. 158 00:08:48,528 --> 00:08:50,864 I department mean anything by that. 159 00:08:50,864 --> 00:08:54,768 I am just saying you look like a guy that would want to go to 160 00:08:54,768 --> 00:08:55,133 Hawaii. 161 00:08:55,133 --> 00:08:56,536 Darlene told you about Hawaii? 162 00:08:56,536 --> 00:09:01,041 Sure, yeah, yeah. We all share stories at lunch. 163 00:09:01,041 --> 00:09:04,844 You know, I can't believe that you would ask your lady to use 164 00:09:04,844 --> 00:09:09,582 her vacation money to pay bills when she clearly needs some 165 00:09:09,582 --> 00:09:13,920 emotional downtime. It's a douche move, dude. 166 00:09:13,920 --> 00:09:17,624 Okay, I think I've heard enough about Hawaii. 167 00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:20,760 Just point me to Darlene unless you want to end up stuffed into 168 00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:21,961 one of those boxes. 169 00:09:21,961 --> 00:09:24,664 Guys, stop. Ben, it's not his fault. 170 00:09:24,664 --> 00:09:30,170 I only invited him to Hawaii because I was so mad at you. 171 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:33,840 Okay, that is not at all what we were talking about. 172 00:09:33,840 --> 00:09:34,174 [ Laughter ] 173 00:09:34,174 --> 00:09:37,243 But I'm guessing that that is what the two of you are talking 174 00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:42,515 about now. Peace out. 175 00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:47,053 You're going to go to Hawaii with another guy? What the hell? 176 00:09:47,053 --> 00:09:50,290 You know why I came down here is because I wanted to tell you I 177 00:09:50,290 --> 00:09:53,560 wanted to move in with you. I cannot believe I was ready to 178 00:09:53,560 --> 00:09:54,394 trust you again. 179 00:09:54,394 --> 00:09:57,831 No, you can trust me. It was totally platonic. 180 00:09:57,831 --> 00:09:58,998 I could have been a girlfriend. 181 00:09:58,998 --> 00:10:04,904 If it was a girlfriend, you would have told me about it. 182 00:10:04,904 --> 00:10:07,440 Platonic trip to Hawaii? The island is a big bed. 183 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,443 Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie! 184 00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:13,713 We will never live together. We'll never be together. 185 00:10:13,713 --> 00:10:20,954 This is over! 186 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,659 I can't get Darlene to stop cleaning. 187 00:10:26,659 --> 00:10:29,896 I feel bad Ben broke up with her this morning. 188 00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:32,499 But to be honest, the living room is spotless. 189 00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,034 Darlene, you have to slow down. 190 00:10:35,034 --> 00:10:37,904 Why don't you stop, have a glass of wine, we'll talk. 191 00:10:37,904 --> 00:10:42,108 No, just let me do this. If I stop, I'm going to cry 192 00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:42,441 again. 193 00:10:42,441 --> 00:10:45,311 Ben just found out about Jeff, give him a chance to cool 194 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:45,645 down. 195 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:48,548 No, it won't work, okay? He's done. 196 00:10:48,548 --> 00:10:52,318 I could see it in his eyes. I'm going to have to accept the 197 00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:55,588 fact that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone. 198 00:10:55,588 --> 00:10:56,623 You are not alone. 199 00:10:56,623 --> 00:10:58,758 I know. You've always been there for me. 200 00:10:58,758 --> 00:11:02,595 There's a lot of messed up people like you. 201 00:11:02,595 --> 00:11:04,230 Oh, my god. 202 00:11:04,230 --> 00:11:07,500 That doesn't mean you can't change. I did, but the chances of 203 00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,002 lightning striking twice in the same family ‐‐ 204 00:11:09,002 --> 00:11:15,141 I'm going to jump in here. Come on, just stop. Sit down. 205 00:11:15,141 --> 00:11:18,711 I know this is devastating. But I know someone out there who 206 00:11:18,711 --> 00:11:19,579 can help you. 207 00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:21,848 I've already been to a therapist. 208 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:25,318 No, there's another way. It's a little less traditional. 209 00:11:25,318 --> 00:11:29,589 Okay, it's life coach. I guess I could come out of 210 00:11:29,589 --> 00:11:29,922 retirement. 211 00:11:29,922 --> 00:11:33,927 No. You stay retired. I'm talking about a spiritual 212 00:11:33,927 --> 00:11:36,429 adviser. 213 00:11:36,429 --> 00:11:37,430 Like a psych snik 214 00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,567 that's a great idea. Those people are magic. 215 00:11:40,567 --> 00:11:43,002 One of them told me once to stop being a life coach, and it 216 00:11:43,002 --> 00:11:43,335 happened. 217 00:11:43,335 --> 00:11:44,637 [ Laughter ] 218 00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:48,308 Right after the state told me. 219 00:11:48,308 --> 00:11:52,278 Look, she's not just a psychic. She has great insight. 220 00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:55,949 She helped me see things about myself that helped me make 221 00:11:55,949 --> 00:12:00,153 better choices. Before I met your dad, I was a 222 00:12:00,153 --> 00:12:01,921 mess. Now I'm in the best relationship 223 00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:02,255 of my life. 224 00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:06,125 Wow! 225 00:12:06,125 --> 00:12:09,095 I don't know. It just seems a little ‐‐ 226 00:12:09,095 --> 00:12:13,032 come on, Darlene. I'm not a wuwu person. 227 00:12:13,032 --> 00:12:14,100 What do you have to lose? 228 00:12:14,100 --> 00:12:16,102 All right. I'll give it a shot. 229 00:12:16,102 --> 00:12:17,870 I can't feel any worse ‐‐ 230 00:12:17,870 --> 00:12:20,440 oh, no, you could feel way worse. 231 00:12:20,440 --> 00:12:23,109 Sometimes you think this is the bottom, but this is just a trap 232 00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:25,612 door to the next layer of hell. 233 00:12:25,612 --> 00:12:26,246 Jackie! 234 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:31,417 There's room for both of us to help, Louise! 235 00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,823 Thanks for helping, Darlene. 236 00:12:36,823 --> 00:12:40,793 Well, we're about to become family. 237 00:12:40,793 --> 00:12:42,962 Soy want everyone to be in a good mood when they come to our 238 00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:47,433 big, fancy wedding. There, I said it. 239 00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:51,004 Now get used to it. 240 00:12:51,004 --> 00:12:54,841 You want a big wedding? How are we going to do that? 241 00:12:54,841 --> 00:12:56,409 We don't know that many people. 242 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,946 You don't, but I do. I have a big family and lots of 243 00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,481 friends. The only difference is I don't 244 00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:01,914 live with them all. 245 00:13:01,914 --> 00:13:07,487 [ Laughter ] 246 00:13:07,487 --> 00:13:08,921 I'm willing to pay, Dan. 247 00:13:08,921 --> 00:13:12,292 Trust me, you're going to wish you had that money back to 248 00:13:12,292 --> 00:13:14,627 do other things. Here's a little secret. 249 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,830 I was very happy I married roseanne. 250 00:13:17,830 --> 00:13:21,401 But if we had shacked up, I could have had a boat. 251 00:13:21,401 --> 00:13:24,570 I don't want a boat. But I wish you had one so you 252 00:13:24,570 --> 00:13:30,243 could sleep on it tonight. I'm going back to my place. 253 00:13:30,243 --> 00:13:33,780 I was at the wedding. Would have been a pretty crappie 254 00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:37,684 boat. 255 00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:45,358 Louise said to say thank you so much for squeezing me in. 256 00:13:45,358 --> 00:13:48,227 Oh, sure. Just finishing up my dinner. 257 00:13:48,227 --> 00:13:50,730 Yeah, you're nothing like I thought you would be. 258 00:13:50,730 --> 00:13:57,303 No beaded curtains, no crystal ball, and you're not all scarfy 259 00:13:57,303 --> 00:13:58,137 like Stevie nix. 260 00:13:58,137 --> 00:14:00,106 She's a doubter. 261 00:14:00,106 --> 00:14:03,409 Maybe she gets that from her mother Beverly, because I am 262 00:14:03,409 --> 00:14:05,411 sensing she's a nasty old buzzard. 263 00:14:05,411 --> 00:14:10,483 That's unbelievable. It's one thing to get the name, 264 00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,985 but the right kind of bird? 265 00:14:12,985 --> 00:14:18,691 Before you start on this mess, you mentioned my mother. 266 00:14:18,691 --> 00:14:23,996 I vrhaven't heard from her in quite a while. 267 00:14:23,996 --> 00:14:28,101 Could you check the after life? 268 00:14:28,101 --> 00:14:31,237 It's unclear whether I should be paid for one reading or two. 269 00:14:31,237 --> 00:14:31,971 Gotcha. 270 00:14:31,971 --> 00:14:38,611 Let's see here. Mmm. Oh, my god. 271 00:14:38,611 --> 00:14:39,178 What? 272 00:14:39,178 --> 00:14:42,615 I've never seen anything like that before. 273 00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:48,020 You're surrounded by such a toxic cloud, I can't see your 274 00:14:48,020 --> 00:14:48,353 future. 275 00:14:48,353 --> 00:14:50,590 What does that mean, I don't have a future? 276 00:14:50,590 --> 00:14:54,894 Well, no. Your cynicism and skepticism is 277 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,898 so strong, I can't Pierce the veil to give you a reading. 278 00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:02,001 It's like I can't get any light from you. 279 00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:06,439 You have no spirituality. 280 00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:09,909 You are spot‐on! Can I split a reading over two 281 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:10,643 credit cards? 282 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:13,012 I don't understand. I came here because my boyfriend 283 00:15:13,012 --> 00:15:15,648 dumped me. What does having no spirituality 284 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:16,616 have to do with it? 285 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:21,320 It's like having barbed wire all around you. 286 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:23,923 No one can get close to you. Am I completely off base here? 287 00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:26,492 Have the rest of your relationships been healthy? 288 00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:31,297 No. They haven't. All right. So how do I change it? 289 00:15:31,297 --> 00:15:34,934 Can you kasich a spell or something? 290 00:15:34,934 --> 00:15:40,940 Someone loved "hocus pocus as a wild, huh? 291 00:15:40,940 --> 00:15:42,975 You need something larger than yourself. 292 00:15:42,975 --> 00:15:44,343 Are you talking about god? 293 00:15:44,343 --> 00:15:47,613 It just depends. It's your journey. 294 00:15:47,613 --> 00:15:50,683 I can't help you with that. 295 00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,819 God or no god, it's up to you. 296 00:15:52,819 --> 00:16:00,493 Scoot over and let me take the rest of the session. Scoot over! 297 00:16:00,493 --> 00:16:02,061 Good morning. How did you sleep? 298 00:16:02,061 --> 00:16:05,298 Stick it in your ear! 299 00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:08,835 Okay, look, I'm just confused why you want a big wedding. 300 00:16:08,835 --> 00:16:11,070 You're like me. You don't like a lot of fuss. 301 00:16:11,070 --> 00:16:13,339 You don't need fancy things. 302 00:16:13,339 --> 00:16:17,076 I know it's a shock. But a tough gal like me would 303 00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,712 want a church and a dress and a big wedding cake, the whole 304 00:16:19,712 --> 00:16:27,286 thing. It's a shock to me, too. But it hit me last night. 305 00:16:27,286 --> 00:16:30,890 It's because my parents never had a real wedding. 306 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:33,259 They just went down to the courthouse like they were paying 307 00:16:33,259 --> 00:16:38,397 off a traffic ticket. That's how their marriage felt. 308 00:16:38,397 --> 00:16:44,370 I wish I had known that. Now I feel like a jackass. 309 00:16:44,370 --> 00:16:46,639 You are. But the name thing is you have 310 00:16:46,639 --> 00:16:50,309 to hear me when I tell you what I want. 311 00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:53,446 You had 47 years of marriage with roseanne. 312 00:16:53,446 --> 00:16:55,748 To learn, to read each other's minds. 313 00:16:55,748 --> 00:17:01,387 When we've been married for 47 years, you can do the same with 314 00:17:01,387 --> 00:17:04,290 me. From that ern on the mantlepiece. 315 00:17:04,290 --> 00:17:11,163 I think you mean folgers can, but I get what you're saying. 316 00:17:11,163 --> 00:17:13,466 [ Applause ] 317 00:17:13,466 --> 00:17:17,436 ™ª 318 00:17:17,436 --> 00:17:20,006 what you watching? 319 00:17:20,006 --> 00:17:24,076 Oh, it's a documentary about Einstein and religion. 320 00:17:24,076 --> 00:17:28,648 I'm trying to understand how a logical, educated person can get 321 00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,083 to a place where they believe in god. 322 00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:37,423 Wait, is my little atheist losing faith in her lack of 323 00:17:37,423 --> 00:17:38,057 faith? 324 00:17:38,057 --> 00:17:43,996 I am completely lost. The psychic said that I need 325 00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:49,068 spirituality in my life if i'm ever going to change. 326 00:17:49,068 --> 00:17:51,270 Do you think there's a god? 327 00:17:51,270 --> 00:17:54,040 I think he's on a break right now. 328 00:17:54,040 --> 00:17:54,941 But he occasionally returns a 329 00:17:54,941 --> 00:18:02,281 call. 330 00:18:02,281 --> 00:18:04,383 Did you go back to the psychic? 331 00:18:04,383 --> 00:18:05,017 Yeah. 332 00:18:05,017 --> 00:18:06,118 What's wrong? 333 00:18:06,118 --> 00:18:09,889 Bad news. It's my mom. Still not dead. 334 00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:16,562 [ Laughter ] 335 00:18:27,006 --> 00:18:32,812 Surprised to see me, right? It's been a long time. 336 00:18:32,812 --> 00:18:36,515 I know I said you don't exist, but I am going to try to believe 337 00:18:36,515 --> 00:18:41,654 in you. I once asked my mom if there was 338 00:18:41,654 --> 00:18:48,728 a god and she said, well, if there's not, we're screwed. 339 00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:52,565 So I hope I'm not screwed. Hey, thanks for Mark. 340 00:18:52,565 --> 00:18:56,602 And by the way, maybe some day you'll explain why you gave me 341 00:18:56,602 --> 00:19:01,807 Harris. Now I lay me down to sleep, I 342 00:19:01,807 --> 00:19:07,413 pray the lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake, 343 00:19:07,413 --> 00:19:09,582 well, I'll know you're still pissed. 344 00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:16,088 Amen. 345 00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:33,072 Hi, is this kerry Conner? 346 00:19:33,072 --> 00:19:34,006 Yeah, it is. 347 00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,410 Hi. This is Mark Conner from the 348 00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,378 Lanford conners. I have a question for you ‐‐ 349 00:19:39,378 --> 00:19:43,482 does your family ever get on you about any bad habits that you 350 00:19:43,482 --> 00:19:43,815 have? 351 00:19:43,815 --> 00:19:45,951 Umm, lots. 352 00:19:45,951 --> 00:19:53,726 Oh, okay. Thanks for being a Conner. Bye. 353 00:19:53,726 --> 00:19:56,996 Hey, how is the search for the Conner gene going? 354 00:19:56,996 --> 00:19:59,632 Half the conners are broke and drink like fish. 355 00:19:59,632 --> 00:20:02,401 But they're great people. I hope we get to meet them in 356 00:20:02,401 --> 00:20:03,035 person some day. 357 00:20:03,035 --> 00:20:07,573 I went to a cousin's picnic once. They stole my shoes. 358 00:20:07,573 --> 00:20:11,544 I can't wait for the reunion. So what is your conclusion? 359 00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,480 It's a mixed bag. Some of the conners are doing 360 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:15,648 really well. So who knows? 361 00:20:15,648 --> 00:20:18,184 You know, I think it is up to you. 362 00:20:18,184 --> 00:20:21,620 I think your genes set you off in a direction, but you can 363 00:20:21,620 --> 00:20:24,323 change that direction. Like for example, we don't 364 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:28,260 change the sheets a lot in this house, but we could. 365 00:20:28,260 --> 00:20:30,863 Yeah. And if nothing else, now I know 366 00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:33,799 my genes might be trying to destroy me, so failure can't 367 00:20:33,799 --> 00:20:35,367 sneak up on me like it did you guys? 368 00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,938 It didn't sneak up on us. It rang the doorbell and said 369 00:20:38,938 --> 00:20:44,510 hi, we've been waiting for you. 370 00:20:44,510 --> 00:20:51,851 [ Applause ]