Oh, the conners is live in front of a fully vaccinated
studio audience.
Wait, what?
I thought d. J. Wasn't allowed to cook since the great grease
fire of '07.
Leave him alone. I'm just glad to see two people
cooking in this kitchen at the same time.
It gives the illusion that all of our appliances actually work.
[ Laughter ]
You know, I think doing that all the time finally broke the
seal that keeps the microwaves in. I was heating up a cup of tea
and it cooked the chicken that was sitting on the counter.
You know, you can still change your mind about marrying
into this group of maniacs.
Because once you're in, you can't get out. I know. I tried.
Just stop. Shaw ain't ascared of none of
yas.
She's only seen us on our best behavior.
This is your best behavior?
Have you ever seen one of us wash our feet in the kitchen
sink?
Have you heard from Ben since he said he was thinking about
breaking up with you?
Nope.
I think you're playing it right.
The best thing you can do is give him the space he canned for.
Nothing good ever came from a man thinking too long.
I put down a hefty deposit on an apartment to move in with
him.
There's an empowering message to your kids, I'm getting my
mans back.
You'll understand when you've destroyed a relationship by
being a pathological liar like your mother.
When I lie, I lie strategically.
Pathological makes it sound like I can't control it.
You were still going to Hawaii behind Ben's back.
Stop using that behind me.
It's always hard when your menopausal kid moves out for the
fourth or fifth time.
Mark is up and there's no product in his hair.
Something is wrong.
I was up all night working on a school project.
That's what you get for trying to pull yourself out of
generational poverty.
We're rooting for you, but we'll save you a spot.
My project is kind of about that.
Some scientists say that choice we think we're making of our own
free will are determined by our genes. So I'm going to call our
relatives around the country to see if they are like us.
Wouldn't be faster to just start looking for a cure?
I know I would be interested in something like that.
What are you going to ask them?
I'm going to see if they share our family traits,
distrust of authority, low paying jobs, alcoholism.
I have anticipated this.
I have carefully cure rated the
numbers of our family in this drawer.
Dead, dead. He turned up in Pakistan.
Cousin Kenny, you'll probably be recorded by the fed it is you
call this.
Let's try one right now. Hey, this is Mark Conner from
the Lanford conners. Is this Adrian Conner?
Yes, it is. How are you?
Hey, where are you from?
I'm from tampa, Florida.
Nice. Well, cool, I'm here with my
family right now.
Hi!
And I'm doing a survey about the conners for cool.
I would like to ask you a question.
I have a relative who drinks beer all day and hides in the
garage. Does your family ever get on you
about any of your habits?
Umm, not that problem. Bad habits, oh, yeah.
I do have one bad habit of chewing my fingernails and I get
picked on for that. But I watch a lot of scary
movies, so that's my xus.
That's fair. Thanks for being a Conner. Bye.
Hey, what's this?
[ Cheers and applause ]
There you go, thanks, Robin.
Thanks, Dan.
Hey, I was just over at madame sweet cakes and took a
picture of the most perfect wedding cake. What do you think?
It's beautiful. But $400 is a lot unless we're
going to live in it.
[ Laughter ]
Come on, it's cheaper than the other one I showed you.
I keep telling you, it's not worth it.
Once my family digs into that thing, it's going to look like a
frosted seal after a shark frenzy.
Hey, you guys. What do you think of this cake?
Wow, $400. What is it made out of
understand elon mus income ‐‐ musk?
All right, I guess i'm outnumbered. See you later.
We're just putting up some big screens for the lunchbox's
reopening at a sports bar, and we need mounts.
And Jackie needed a few things for crowd control.
I'm filling in for aunt bk.
We're going to open with a beer special.
Bring your own bears helmet. I'm going to need an ax helmet
and a taser.
Aisle three.
Hey, is Ben around?
He's still living his best life in the little camping
section in back. Good luck, honey.
Thank you. I'm going to take a bag of these
pork rinds.
Better run, it's a lot further than you think.
Darlene, it's the set
opposite.
[ Knock on door ]
Hey.
Hello. Hey.
I brought you some pork rinlds.
Oh, thank you. I've had my eye on these since I
put them on the rack.
Uh, I also brought you this.
Whoa. $1200 down on an apartment?
No, I put $1200 down on us. I am dead serious about us
living together, and I want to show you that I'm finally
putting you before everything else.
Okay. Well, this is big. I believe you're serious.
And?
Well, I wasn't expecting this. I might need a minute.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I want you to be sure, because I
know I am. So absolutely, take a minute.
Oh, you didn't mean that literally.
Okay.
Hi, is this Lisa Conner?
Yes, it is.
Hi. This is Mark Conner from the
Lanford conners. My sister is going to ask you a
question, but first, my family's broke and riddled with
heartbreak. So what do you think is more
important, money or love and why?
Money. Because you can always buy love.
Yeah, you're right. Fair enough.
So here's my question. I'm a tattoo artist.
If I could give you any tattoo, what would it be?
Umm, probably a flower. Just something generic and
pretty.
Okay.
Something I could live with my whole life.
[ Laughter ]
Okay, cool. Well, thanks for being a Conner.
Bye.
[ Applause ]
Excuse me. Can you tell me where Darlene
Conner's office is.
My I ask who is calling?
Just tell her Ben, thanks.
Oh, wow, you're Ben. Okay.
You don't look like an uptight buzzkill at all.
You look more like a hipster werewolf sort of guy.
Thanks for your opinion, guy, I didn't ask. And you are?
Jeff. Jeff. Darlene is my boss.
I department mean anything by that.
I am just saying you look like a guy that would want to go to
Hawaii.
Darlene told you about Hawaii?
Sure, yeah, yeah. We all share stories at lunch.
You know, I can't believe that you would ask your lady to use
her vacation money to pay bills when she clearly needs some
emotional downtime. It's a douche move, dude.
Okay, I think I've heard enough about Hawaii.
Just point me to Darlene unless you want to end up stuffed into
one of those boxes.
Guys, stop. Ben, it's not his fault.
I only invited him to Hawaii because I was so mad at you.
Okay, that is not at all what we were talking about.
[ Laughter ]
But I'm guessing that that is what the two of you are talking
about now. Peace out.
You're going to go to Hawaii with another guy? What the hell?
You know why I came down here is because I wanted to tell you I
wanted to move in with you. I cannot believe I was ready to
trust you again.
No, you can trust me. It was totally platonic.
I could have been a girlfriend.
If it was a girlfriend, you would have told me about it.
Platonic trip to Hawaii? The island is a big bed.
Everything that comes out of your mouth is a lie!
We will never live together. We'll never be together.
This is over!
I can't get Darlene to stop cleaning.
I feel bad Ben broke up with her this morning.
But to be honest, the living room is spotless.
Darlene, you have to slow down.
Why don't you stop, have a glass of wine, we'll talk.
No, just let me do this. If I stop, I'm going to cry
again.
Ben just found out about Jeff, give him a chance to cool
down.
No, it won't work, okay? He's done.
I could see it in his eyes. I'm going to have to accept the
fact that I'm going to live the rest of my life alone.
You are not alone.
I know. You've always been there for me.
There's a lot of messed up people like you.
Oh, my god.
That doesn't mean you can't change. I did, but the chances of
lightning striking twice in the same family ‐‐
I'm going to jump in here. Come on, just stop. Sit down.
I know this is devastating. But I know someone out there who
can help you.
I've already been to a therapist.
No, there's another way. It's a little less traditional.
Okay, it's life coach. I guess I could come out of
retirement.
No. You stay retired. I'm talking about a spiritual
adviser.
Like a psych snik
that's a great idea. Those people are magic.
One of them told me once to stop being a life coach, and it
happened.
[ Laughter ]
Right after the state told me.
Look, she's not just a psychic. She has great insight.
She helped me see things about myself that helped me make
better choices. Before I met your dad, I was a
mess. Now I'm in the best relationship
of my life.
Wow!
I don't know. It just seems a little ‐‐
come on, Darlene. I'm not a wuwu person.
What do you have to lose?
All right. I'll give it a shot.
I can't feel any worse ‐‐
oh, no, you could feel way worse.
Sometimes you think this is the bottom, but this is just a trap
door to the next layer of hell.
Jackie!
There's room for both of us to help, Louise!
Thanks for helping, Darlene.
Well, we're about to become family.
Soy want everyone to be in a good mood when they come to our
big, fancy wedding. There, I said it.
Now get used to it.
You want a big wedding? How are we going to do that?
We don't know that many people.
You don't, but I do. I have a big family and lots of
friends. The only difference is I don't
live with them all.
[ Laughter ]
I'm willing to pay, Dan.
Trust me, you're going to wish you had that money back to
do other things. Here's a little secret.
I was very happy I married roseanne.
But if we had shacked up, I could have had a boat.
I don't want a boat. But I wish you had one so you
could sleep on it tonight. I'm going back to my place.
I was at the wedding. Would have been a pretty crappie
boat.
Louise said to say thank you so much for squeezing me in.
Oh, sure. Just finishing up my dinner.
Yeah, you're nothing like I thought you would be.
No beaded curtains, no crystal ball, and you're not all scarfy
like Stevie nix.
She's a doubter.
Maybe she gets that from her mother Beverly, because I am
sensing she's a nasty old buzzard.
That's unbelievable. It's one thing to get the name,
but the right kind of bird?
Before you start on this mess, you mentioned my mother.
I vrhaven't heard from her in quite a while.
Could you check the after life?
It's unclear whether I should be paid for one reading or two.
Gotcha.
Let's see here. Mmm. Oh, my god.
What?
I've never seen anything like that before.
You're surrounded by such a toxic cloud, I can't see your
future.
What does that mean, I don't have a future?
Well, no. Your cynicism and skepticism is
so strong, I can't Pierce the veil to give you a reading.
It's like I can't get any light from you.
You have no spirituality.
You are spot‐on! Can I split a reading over two
credit cards?
I don't understand. I came here because my boyfriend
dumped me. What does having no spirituality
have to do with it?
It's like having barbed wire all around you.
No one can get close to you. Am I completely off base here?
Have the rest of your relationships been healthy?
No. They haven't. All right. So how do I change it?
Can you kasich a spell or something?
Someone loved "hocus pocus as a wild, huh?
You need something larger than yourself.
Are you talking about god?
It just depends. It's your journey.
I can't help you with that.
God or no god, it's up to you.
Scoot over and let me take the rest of the session. Scoot over!
Good morning. How did you sleep?
Stick it in your ear!
Okay, look, I'm just confused why you want a big wedding.
You're like me. You don't like a lot of fuss.
You don't need fancy things.
I know it's a shock. But a tough gal like me would
want a church and a dress and a big wedding cake, the whole
thing. It's a shock to me, too. But it hit me last night.
It's because my parents never had a real wedding.
They just went down to the courthouse like they were paying
off a traffic ticket. That's how their marriage felt.
I wish I had known that. Now I feel like a jackass.
You are. But the name thing is you have
to hear me when I tell you what I want.
You had 47 years of marriage with roseanne.
To learn, to read each other's minds.
When we've been married for 47 years, you can do the same with
me. From that ern on the mantlepiece.
I think you mean folgers can, but I get what you're saying.
[ Applause ]
Â™ª
what you watching?
Oh, it's a documentary about Einstein and religion.
I'm trying to understand how a logical, educated person can get
to a place where they believe in god.
Wait, is my little atheist losing faith in her lack of
faith?
I am completely lost. The psychic said that I need
spirituality in my life if i'm ever going to change.
Do you think there's a god?
I think he's on a break right now.
But he occasionally returns a
call.
Did you go back to the psychic?
Yeah.
What's wrong?
Bad news. It's my mom. Still not dead.
[ Laughter ]
Surprised to see me, right? It's been a long time.
I know I said you don't exist, but I am going to try to believe
in you. I once asked my mom if there was
a god and she said, well, if there's not, we're screwed.
So I hope I'm not screwed. Hey, thanks for Mark.
And by the way, maybe some day you'll explain why you gave me
Harris. Now I lay me down to sleep, I
pray the lord my soul to keep. And if I die before I wake,
well, I'll know you're still pissed.
Amen.
Hi, is this kerry Conner?
Yeah, it is.
Hi. This is Mark Conner from the
Lanford conners. I have a question for you ‐‐
does your family ever get on you about any bad habits that you
have?
Umm, lots.
Oh, okay. Thanks for being a Conner. Bye.
Hey, how is the search for the Conner gene going?
Half the conners are broke and drink like fish.
But they're great people. I hope we get to meet them in
person some day.
I went to a cousin's picnic once. They stole my shoes.
I can't wait for the reunion. So what is your conclusion?
It's a mixed bag. Some of the conners are doing
really well. So who knows?
You know, I think it is up to you.
I think your genes set you off in a direction, but you can
change that direction. Like for example, we don't
change the sheets a lot in this house, but we could.
Yeah. And if nothing else, now I know
my genes might be trying to destroy me, so failure can't
sneak up on me like it did you guys?
It didn't sneak up on us. It rang the doorbell and said
hi, we've been waiting for you.
[ Applause ]