1
00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:10,720
<font color="#ffffff"><font face="Arial"><font size="324"><b>>>> OH, THE CONNERS IS LIVE IN
FRONT OF A FULLY VACCINATED </b></font></font></font>

2
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,669
<b>STUDIO AUDIENCE.
>> WAIT, WHAT?</b>

3
00:00:14,179 --> 00:00:18,920
<b>>> I THOUGHT D.J. WASN'T ALLOWED
TO COOK SINCE THE GREAT GREASE </b>

4
00:00:18,920 --> 00:00:21,219
<b>FIRE OF '07.
>> LEAVE HIM ALONE.</b>

5
00:00:21,219 --> 00:00:24,449
<b>I'M JUST GLAD TO SEE TWO PEOPLE
COOKING IN THIS KITCHEN AT THE </b>

6
00:00:24,449 --> 00:00:27,079
<b>SAME TIME.
IT GIVES THE ILLUSION THAT ALL </b>

7
00:00:27,079 --> 00:00:31,820
<b>OF OUR APPLIANCES ACTUALLY WORK.
[ LAUGHTER ]</b>

8
00:00:31,820 --> 00:00:34,750
<b>>> YOU KNOW, I THINK DOING THAT
ALL THE TIME FINALLY BROKE THE </b>

9
00:00:34,750 --> 00:00:37,649
<b>SEAL THAT KEEPS THE MICROWAVES
IN.</b>

10
00:00:37,649 --> 00:00:41,679
<b>I WAS HEATING UP A CUP OF TEA
AND IT COOKED THE CHICKEN THAT </b>

11
00:00:41,679 --> 00:00:44,850
<b>WAS SITTING ON THE COUNTER.
>> YOU KNOW, YOU CAN STILL </b>

12
00:00:44,850 --> 00:00:48,750
<b>CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT MARRYING
INTO THIS GROUP OF MANIACS.</b>

13
00:00:48,750 --> 00:00:50,880
<b>>> BECAUSE ONCE YOU'RE IN, YOU
CAN'T GET OUT.</b>

14
00:00:50,880 --> 00:00:53,079
<b>I KNOW.
I TRIED.</b>

15
00:00:53,079 --> 00:00:56,820
<b>>> JUST STOP.
SHAW AIN'T ASCARED OF NONE OF </b>

16
00:00:56,820 --> 00:00:59,520
<b>YAS.
>> SHE'S ONLY SEEN US ON OUR </b>

17
00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,979
<b>BEST BEHAVIOR.
>> THIS IS YOUR BEST BEHAVIOR?</b>

18
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:08,349
<b>>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ONE OF US
WASH OUR FEET IN THE KITCHEN </b>

19
00:01:08,349 --> 00:01:11,349
<b>SINK?
>> HAVE YOU HEARD FROM BEN SINCE</b>

20
00:01:11,349 --> 00:01:13,420
<b>HE SAID HE WAS THINKING ABOUT
BREAKING UP WITH YOU?</b>

21
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:16,019
<b>>> NOPE.
>> I THINK YOU'RE PLAYING IT </b>

22
00:01:16,019 --> 00:01:18,280
<b>RIGHT.
THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS </b>

23
00:01:18,280 --> 00:01:21,680
<b>GIVE HIM THE SPACE HE CANNED
FOR.</b>

24
00:01:21,680 --> 00:01:24,719
<b>>> NOTHING GOOD EVER CAME FROM A
MAN THINKING TOO LONG.</b>

25
00:01:24,719 --> 00:01:30,680
<b>>> I PUT DOWN A HEFTY DEPOSIT ON
AN APARTMENT TO MOVE IN WITH </b>

26
00:01:30,680 --> 00:01:33,719
<b>HIM.
>> THERE'S AN EMPOWERING MESSAGE</b>

27
00:01:33,719 --> 00:01:36,719
<b>TO YOUR KIDS, I'M GETTING MY
MANS BACK.</b>

28
00:01:36,719 --> 00:01:40,150
<b>>> YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU'VE
DESTROYED A RELATIONSHIP BY </b>

29
00:01:40,150 --> 00:01:42,420
<b>BEING A PATHOLOGICAL LIAR LIKE
YOUR MOTHER.</b>

30
00:01:42,420 --> 00:01:46,079
<b>>> WHEN I LIE, I LIE
STRATEGICALLY.</b>

31
00:01:46,079 --> 00:01:51,950
<b>PATHOLOGICAL MAKES IT SOUND LIKE
I CAN'T CONTROL IT.</b>

32
00:01:51,950 --> 00:01:55,719
<b>>> YOU WERE STILL GOING TO
HAWAII BEHIND BEN'S BACK.</b>

33
00:01:55,719 --> 00:02:00,379
<b>>> STOP USING THAT BEHIND ME.
>> IT'S ALWAYS HARD WHEN YOUR </b>

34
00:02:00,379 --> 00:02:05,280
<b>MENOPAUSAL KID MOVES OUT FOR THE
FOURTH OR FIFTH TIME.</b>

35
00:02:05,280 --> 00:02:11,080
<b>>> MARK IS UP AND THERE'S NO
PRODUCT IN HIS HAIR.</b>

36
00:02:11,080 --> 00:02:14,719
<b>SOMETHING IS WRONG.
>> I WAS UP ALL NIGHT WORKING ON</b>

37
00:02:14,719 --> 00:02:17,550
<b>A SCHOOL PROJECT.
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR </b>

38
00:02:17,550 --> 00:02:21,219
<b>TRYING TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF
GENERATIONAL POVERTY.</b>

39
00:02:21,219 --> 00:02:24,750
<b>>> WE'RE ROOTING FOR YOU, BUT
WE'LL SAVE YOU A SPOT.</b>

40
00:02:24,750 --> 00:02:27,250
<b>>> MY PROJECT IS KIND OF ABOUT
THAT.</b>

41
00:02:27,250 --> 00:02:31,750
<b>SOME SCIENTISTS SAY THAT CHOICE
WE THINK WE'RE MAKING OF OUR OWN</b>

42
00:02:31,750 --> 00:02:33,719
<b>FREE WILL ARE DETERMINED BY OUR
GENES.</b>

43
00:02:33,719 --> 00:02:37,520
<b>SO I'M GOING TO CALL OUR
RELATIVES AROUND THE COUNTRY TO </b>

44
00:02:37,520 --> 00:02:41,219
<b>SEE IF THEY ARE LIKE US.
>> WOULDN'T BE FASTER TO JUST </b>

45
00:02:41,219 --> 00:02:43,379
<b>START LOOKING FOR A CURE?
>> I KNOW I WOULD BE INTERESTED </b>

46
00:02:43,379 --> 00:02:47,319
<b>IN SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO ASK THEM?</b>

47
00:02:47,319 --> 00:02:52,319
<b>>> I'M GOING TO SEE IF THEY
SHARE OUR FAMILY TRAITS, </b>

48
00:02:52,319 --> 00:02:55,719
<b>DISTRUST OF AUTHORITY, LOW
PAYING JOBS, ALCOHOLISM.</b>

49
00:02:55,719 --> 00:03:06,580
<b>>> I HAVE ANTICIPATED THIS.
I HAVE CAREFULLY CURE RATED THE </b>

50
00:03:06,580 --> 00:03:13,250
<b>NUMBERS OF OUR FAMILY IN THIS
DRAWER.</b>

51
00:03:13,250 --> 00:03:20,520
<b>>> DEAD, DEAD.
HE TURNED UP IN PAKISTAN.</b>

52
00:03:20,520 --> 00:03:23,719
<b>COUSIN KENNY, YOU'LL PROBABLY BE
RECORDED BY THE FED IT IS YOU </b>

53
00:03:23,719 --> 00:03:31,319
<b>CALL THIS.
>> LET'S TRY ONE RIGHT NOW.</b>

54
00:03:31,319 --> 00:03:34,879
<b>HEY, THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM
THE LANFORD CONNERS.</b>

55
00:03:34,879 --> 00:03:38,020
<b>IS THIS ADRIAN CONNER?
>> YES, IT IS.</b>

56
00:03:38,020 --> 00:03:40,719
<b>HOW ARE YOU?
>> HEY, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?</b>

57
00:03:40,719 --> 00:03:43,719
<b>>> I'M FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA.
>> NICE.</b>

58
00:03:43,719 --> 00:03:45,520
<b>WELL, COOL, I'M HERE WITH MY
FAMILY RIGHT NOW.</b>

59
00:03:45,520 --> 00:03:48,819
<b>>> HI!
>> AND I'M DOING A SURVEY ABOUT </b>

60
00:03:48,819 --> 00:03:51,449
<b>THE CONNERS FOR COOL.
I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU A </b>

61
00:03:51,449 --> 00:03:54,349
<b>QUESTION.
I HAVE A RELATIVE WHO DRINKS </b>

62
00:03:54,349 --> 00:03:58,050
<b>BEER ALL DAY AND HIDES IN THE
GARAGE.</b>

63
00:03:58,050 --> 00:04:01,719
<b>DOES YOUR FAMILY EVER GET ON YOU
ABOUT ANY OF YOUR HABITS?</b>

64
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:07,419
<b>>> UMM, NOT THAT PROBLEM.
BAD HABITS, OH, YEAH.</b>

65
00:04:07,419 --> 00:04:12,180
<b>I DO HAVE ONE BAD HABIT OF
CHEWING MY FINGERNAILS AND I GET</b>

66
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:15,280
<b>PICKED ON FOR THAT.
BUT I WATCH A LOT OF SCARY </b>

67
00:04:15,280 --> 00:04:18,550
<b>MOVIES, SO THAT'S MY XUS.
>> THAT'S FAIR.</b>

68
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:20,319
<b>THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.
BYE.</b>

69
00:04:20,319 --> 00:04:26,720
<b>>> HEY, WHAT'S THIS?
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]</b>

70
00:04:29,149 --> 00:04:32,550
<b>>>> THERE YOU GO, THANKS, ROBIN.
>> THANKS, DAN.</b>

71
00:04:32,550 --> 00:04:36,250
<b>>> HEY, I WAS JUST OVER AT
MADAME SWEET CAKES AND TOOK A </b>

72
00:04:36,250 --> 00:04:38,050
<b>PICTURE OF THE MOST PERFECT
WEDDING CAKE.</b>

73
00:04:38,050 --> 00:04:40,319
<b>WHAT DO YOU THINK?
>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL.</b>

74
00:04:40,319 --> 00:04:44,019
<b>BUT $400 IS A LOT UNLESS WE'RE
GOING TO LIVE IN IT.</b>

75
00:04:44,019 --> 00:04:45,750
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]
>> COME ON, IT'S CHEAPER THAN </b>

76
00:04:45,750 --> 00:04:49,120
<b>THE OTHER ONE I SHOWED YOU.
>> I KEEP TELLING YOU, IT'S NOT </b>

77
00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,279
<b>WORTH IT.
ONCE MY FAMILY DIGS INTO THAT </b>

78
00:04:51,279 --> 00:04:55,949
<b>THING, IT'S GOING TO LOOK LIKE A
FROSTED SEAL AFTER A SHARK </b>

79
00:04:55,949 --> 00:04:57,579
<b>FRENZY.
>> HEY, YOU GUYS.</b>

80
00:04:57,579 --> 00:05:00,750
<b>WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS CAKE?
>> WOW, $400.</b>

81
00:05:00,750 --> 00:05:07,519
<b>WHAT IS IT MADE OUT OF
UNDERSTAND ELON MUS INCOME </b>

82
00:05:07,519 --> 00:05:08,680
<b>--
MUSK?</b>

83
00:05:08,680 --> 00:05:10,120
<b>>> ALL RIGHT, I GUESS I'M
OUTNUMBERED.</b>

84
00:05:10,120 --> 00:05:17,180
<b>SEE YOU LATER.
>> WE'RE JUST PUTTING UP SOME </b>

85
00:05:17,180 --> 00:05:22,350
<b>BIG SCREENS FOR THE LUNCHBOX'S
REOPENING AT A SPORTS BAR, AND </b>

86
00:05:22,350 --> 00:05:25,019
<b>WE NEED MOUNTS.
>> AND JACKIE NEEDED A FEW </b>

87
00:05:25,019 --> 00:05:28,350
<b>THINGS FOR CROWD CONTROL.
I'M FILLING IN FOR AUNT BK.</b>

88
00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:33,279
<b>>> WE'RE GOING TO OPEN WITH A
BEER SPECIAL.</b>

89
00:05:33,279 --> 00:05:36,980
<b>BRING YOUR OWN BEARS HELMET.
I'M GOING TO NEED AN AX HELMET </b>

90
00:05:36,980 --> 00:05:42,180
<b>AND A TASER.
>> AISLE THREE.</b>

91
00:05:42,180 --> 00:05:45,649
<b>>> HEY, IS BEN AROUND?
>> HE'S STILL LIVING HIS BEST </b>

92
00:05:45,649 --> 00:05:47,920
<b>LIFE IN THE LITTLE CAMPING
SECTION IN BACK.</b>

93
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:49,379
<b>GOOD LUCK, HONEY.
>> THANK YOU.</b>

94
00:05:49,379 --> 00:05:56,149
<b>I'M GOING TO TAKE A BAG OF THESE
PORK RINDS.</b>

95
00:05:56,149 --> 00:06:01,050
<b>>> BETTER RUN, IT'S A LOT
FURTHER THAN YOU THINK.</b>

96
00:06:01,050 --> 00:06:11,779
<b>>> DARLENE, IT'S THE SET
OPPOSITE.</b>

97
00:06:11,779 --> 00:06:14,120
<b>[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
>> HEY.</b>

98
00:06:14,120 --> 00:06:17,019
<b>>> HELLO.
HEY.</b>

99
00:06:17,019 --> 00:06:19,519
<b>>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME PORK
RINLDS.</b>

100
00:06:19,519 --> 00:06:22,350
<b>>> OH, THANK YOU.
I'VE HAD MY EYE ON THESE SINCE I</b>

101
00:06:22,350 --> 00:06:31,480
<b>PUT THEM ON THE RACK.
>> UH, I ALSO BROUGHT YOU THIS.</b>

102
00:06:31,480 --> 00:06:35,449
<b>>> WHOA.
$1200 DOWN ON AN APARTMENT?</b>

103
00:06:35,449 --> 00:06:41,379
<b>>> NO, I PUT $1200 DOWN ON US.
I AM DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT US </b>

104
00:06:41,379 --> 00:06:46,149
<b>LIVING TOGETHER, AND I WANT TO
SHOW YOU THAT I'M FINALLY </b>

105
00:06:46,149 --> 00:06:48,550
<b>PUTTING YOU BEFORE EVERYTHING
ELSE.</b>

106
00:06:48,550 --> 00:06:51,050
<b>>> OKAY.
WELL, THIS IS BIG.</b>

107
00:06:51,050 --> 00:06:56,879
<b>I BELIEVE YOU'RE SERIOUS.
>> AND?</b>

108
00:06:56,879 --> 00:06:58,949
<b>>> WELL, I WASN'T EXPECTING
THIS.</b>

109
00:06:58,949 --> 00:07:01,519
<b>I MIGHT NEED A MINUTE.
>> OH, YEAH, YEAH.</b>

110
00:07:01,519 --> 00:07:03,850
<b>I WANT YOU TO BE SURE, BECAUSE I
KNOW I AM.</b>

111
00:07:03,850 --> 00:07:11,250
<b>SO ABSOLUTELY, TAKE A MINUTE.
OH, YOU DIDN'T MEAN THAT </b>

112
00:07:11,250 --> 00:07:22,920
<b>LITERALLY.
OKAY.</b>

113
00:07:22,920 --> 00:07:27,879
<b>>> HI, IS THIS LISA CONNER?
>> YES, IT IS.</b>

114
00:07:27,879 --> 00:07:30,779
<b>>> HI.
THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE </b>

115
00:07:30,779 --> 00:07:33,319
<b>LANFORD CONNERS.
MY SISTER IS GOING TO ASK YOU A </b>

116
00:07:33,319 --> 00:07:36,220
<b>QUESTION, BUT FIRST, MY FAMILY'S
BROKE AND RIDDLED WITH </b>

117
00:07:36,220 --> 00:07:37,850
<b>HEARTBREAK.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK IS MORE </b>

118
00:07:37,850 --> 00:07:41,350
<b>IMPORTANT, MONEY OR LOVE AND
WHY?</b>

119
00:07:41,350 --> 00:07:46,079
<b>>> MONEY.
BECAUSE YOU CAN ALWAYS BUY LOVE.</b>

120
00:07:46,079 --> 00:07:49,649
<b>>> YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
FAIR ENOUGH.</b>

121
00:07:49,649 --> 00:07:53,050
<b>>> SO HERE'S MY QUESTION.
I'M A TATTOO ARTIST.</b>

122
00:07:53,050 --> 00:07:56,550
<b>IF I COULD GIVE YOU ANY TATTOO,
WHAT WOULD IT BE?</b>

123
00:07:56,550 --> 00:08:01,050
<b>>> UMM, PROBABLY A FLOWER.
JUST SOMETHING GENERIC AND </b>

124
00:08:01,050 --> 00:08:02,079
<b>PRETTY.
>> OKAY.</b>

125
00:08:02,079 --> 00:08:04,250
<b>>> SOMETHING I COULD LIVE WITH
MY WHOLE LIFE.</b>

126
00:08:04,250 --> 00:08:05,519
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]
>> OKAY, COOL.</b>

127
00:08:05,519 --> 00:08:09,079
<b>WELL, THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.
BYE.</b>

128
00:08:09,079 --> 00:08:19,879
<b>[ APPLAUSE ]
>> EXCUSE ME.</b>

129
00:08:19,879 --> 00:08:24,480
<b>CAN YOU TELL ME WHERE DARLENE
CONNER'S OFFICE IS.</b>

130
00:08:24,480 --> 00:08:29,180
<b>>> MY I ASK WHO IS CALLING?
>> JUST TELL HER BEN, THANKS.</b>

131
00:08:29,180 --> 00:08:31,379
<b>>> OH, WOW, YOU'RE BEN.
OKAY.</b>

132
00:08:31,379 --> 00:08:34,879
<b>YOU DON'T LOOK LIKE AN UPTIGHT
BUZZKILL AT ALL.</b>

133
00:08:34,879 --> 00:08:40,980
<b>YOU LOOK MORE LIKE A HIPSTER
WEREWOLF SORT OF GUY.</b>

134
00:08:40,980 --> 00:08:43,679
<b>>> THANKS FOR YOUR OPINION, GUY,
I DIDN'T ASK.</b>

135
00:08:43,679 --> 00:08:46,250
<b>AND YOU ARE?
>> JEFF.</b>

136
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,019
<b>JEFF.
DARLENE IS MY BOSS.</b>

137
00:08:48,019 --> 00:08:50,350
<b>I DEPARTMENT MEAN ANYTHING BY
THAT.</b>

138
00:08:50,350 --> 00:08:54,279
<b>I AM JUST SAYING YOU LOOK LIKE A
GUY THAT WOULD WANT TO GO TO </b>

139
00:08:54,279 --> 00:08:55,820
<b>HAWAII.
>> DARLENE TOLD YOU ABOUT </b>

140
00:08:55,820 --> 00:08:57,519
<b>HAWAII?
>> SURE, YEAH, YEAH.</b>

141
00:08:57,519 --> 00:09:02,720
<b>WE ALL SHARE STORIES AT LUNCH.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT </b>

142
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:07,149
<b>YOU WOULD ASK YOUR LADY TO USE
HER VACATION MONEY TO PAY BILLS </b>

143
00:09:07,149 --> 00:09:12,019
<b>WHEN SHE CLEARLY NEEDS SOME
EMOTIONAL DOWNTIME.</b>

144
00:09:12,019 --> 00:09:16,080
<b>IT'S A DOUCHE MOVE, DUDE.
>> OKAY, I THINK I'VE HEARD </b>

145
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:18,720
<b>ENOUGH ABOUT HAWAII.
JUST POINT ME TO DARLENE UNLESS </b>

146
00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:21,419
<b>YOU WANT TO END UP STUFFED INTO
ONE OF THOSE BOXES.</b>

147
00:09:21,419 --> 00:09:24,120
<b>>> GUYS, STOP.
BEN, IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.</b>

148
00:09:24,120 --> 00:09:29,649
<b>I ONLY INVITED HIM TO HAWAII
BECAUSE I WAS SO MAD AT YOU.</b>

149
00:09:29,649 --> 00:09:33,320
<b>>> OKAY, THAT IS NOT AT ALL WHAT
WE WERE TALKING ABOUT.</b>

150
00:09:33,320 --> 00:09:34,879
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]
BUT I'M GUESSING THAT THAT IS </b>

151
00:09:34,879 --> 00:09:36,980
<b>WHAT THE TWO OF YOU ARE TALKING
ABOUT NOW.</b>

152
00:09:36,980 --> 00:09:43,950
<b>PEACE OUT.
>> YOU'RE GOING TO GO TO HAWAII </b>

153
00:09:43,950 --> 00:09:46,480
<b>WITH ANOTHER GUY?
WHAT THE HELL?</b>

154
00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,720
<b>YOU KNOW WHY I CAME DOWN HERE IS
BECAUSE I WANTED TO TELL YOU I </b>

155
00:09:49,720 --> 00:09:52,980
<b>WANTED TO MOVE IN WITH YOU.
I CANNOT BELIEVE I WAS READY TO </b>

156
00:09:52,980 --> 00:09:55,620
<b>TRUST YOU AGAIN.
>> NO, YOU CAN TRUST ME.</b>

157
00:09:55,620 --> 00:09:58,419
<b>IT WAS TOTALLY PLATONIC.
I COULD HAVE BEEN A GIRLFRIEND.</b>

158
00:09:58,419 --> 00:10:04,350
<b>>> IF IT WAS A GIRLFRIEND, YOU
WOULD HAVE TOLD ME ABOUT IT.</b>

159
00:10:04,350 --> 00:10:06,879
<b>PLATONIC TRIP TO HAWAII?
THE ISLAND IS A BIG BED.</b>

160
00:10:06,879 --> 00:10:09,879
<b>EVERYTHING THAT COMES OUT OF
YOUR MOUTH IS A LIE!</b>

161
00:10:09,879 --> 00:10:13,149
<b>WE WILL NEVER LIVE TOGETHER.
WE'LL NEVER BE TOGETHER.</b>

162
00:10:13,149 --> 00:10:25,350
<b>THIS IS OVER!
>> I CAN'T GET DARLENE TO STOP </b>

163
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:28,850
<b>CLEANING.
I FEEL BAD BEN BROKE UP WITH HER</b>

164
00:10:28,850 --> 00:10:30,649
<b>THIS MORNING.
BUT TO BE HONEST, THE LIVING </b>

165
00:10:30,649 --> 00:10:34,049
<b>ROOM IS SPOTLESS.
>> DARLENE, YOU HAVE TO SLOW </b>

166
00:10:34,049 --> 00:10:36,019
<b>DOWN.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP, HAVE A GLASS</b>

167
00:10:36,019 --> 00:10:40,120
<b>OF WINE, WE'LL TALK.
>> NO, JUST LET ME DO THIS.</b>

168
00:10:40,120 --> 00:10:41,820
<b>IF I STOP, I'M GOING TO CRY
AGAIN.</b>

169
00:10:41,820 --> 00:10:44,720
<b>>> BEN JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT
JEFF, GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO COOL </b>

170
00:10:44,720 --> 00:10:47,379
<b>DOWN.
>> NO, IT WON'T WORK, OKAY?</b>

171
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:49,519
<b>HE'S DONE.
I COULD SEE IT IN HIS EYES.</b>

172
00:10:49,519 --> 00:10:53,350
<b>I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ACCEPT THE
FACT THAT I'M GOING TO LIVE THE </b>

173
00:10:53,350 --> 00:10:55,980
<b>REST OF MY LIFE ALONE.
>> YOU ARE NOT ALONE.</b>

174
00:10:55,980 --> 00:10:58,120
<b>>> I KNOW.
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN THERE FOR ME.</b>

175
00:10:58,120 --> 00:11:01,950
<b>>> THERE'S A LOT OF MESSED UP
PEOPLE LIKE YOU.</b>

176
00:11:01,950 --> 00:11:04,980
<b>>> OH, MY GOD.
>> THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T </b>

177
00:11:04,980 --> 00:11:06,850
<b>CHANGE.
I DID, BUT THE CHANCES OF </b>

178
00:11:06,850 --> 00:11:08,379
<b>LIGHTNING STRIKING TWICE IN THE
SAME FAMILY -- </b>

179
00:11:08,379 --> 00:11:12,019
<b>>> I'M GOING TO JUMP IN HERE.
COME ON, JUST STOP.</b>

180
00:11:12,019 --> 00:11:16,679
<b>SIT DOWN.
I KNOW THIS IS DEVASTATING.</b>

181
00:11:16,679 --> 00:11:18,950
<b>BUT I KNOW SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO
CAN HELP YOU.</b>

182
00:11:18,950 --> 00:11:21,220
<b>>> I'VE ALREADY BEEN TO A
THERAPIST.</b>

183
00:11:21,220 --> 00:11:24,649
<b>>> NO, THERE'S ANOTHER WAY.
IT'S A LITTLE LESS TRADITIONAL.</b>

184
00:11:24,649 --> 00:11:28,919
<b>>> OKAY, IT'S LIFE COACH.
I GUESS I COULD COME OUT OF </b>

185
00:11:28,919 --> 00:11:29,419
<b>RETIREMENT.
>> NO.</b>

186
00:11:29,419 --> 00:11:33,250
<b>YOU STAY RETIRED.
I'M TALKING ABOUT A SPIRITUAL </b>

187
00:11:33,250 --> 00:11:36,750
<b>ADVISER.
>> LIKE A PSYCH SNIK </b>

188
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:39,879
<b>>> THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE MAGIC.</b>

189
00:11:39,879 --> 00:11:42,350
<b>ONE OF THEM TOLD ME ONCE TO STOP
BEING A LIFE COACH, AND IT </b>

190
00:11:42,350 --> 00:11:43,980
<b>HAPPENED.
[ LAUGHTER ]</b>

191
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:50,080
<b>RIGHT AFTER THE STATE TOLD ME.
>> LOOK, SHE'S NOT JUST A </b>

192
00:11:50,080 --> 00:11:51,620
<b>PSYCHIC.
SHE HAS GREAT INSIGHT.</b>

193
00:11:51,620 --> 00:11:55,279
<b>SHE HELPED ME SEE THINGS ABOUT
MYSELF THAT HELPED ME MAKE </b>

194
00:11:55,279 --> 00:11:59,450
<b>BETTER CHOICES.
BEFORE I MET YOUR DAD, I WAS A </b>

195
00:11:59,450 --> 00:12:01,220
<b>MESS.
NOW I'M IN THE BEST RELATIONSHIP</b>

196
00:12:01,220 --> 00:12:05,419
<b>OF MY LIFE.
>> WOW!</b>

197
00:12:05,419 --> 00:12:08,379
<b>>> I DON'T KNOW.
IT JUST SEEMS A LITTLE -- </b>

198
00:12:08,379 --> 00:12:12,320
<b>>> COME ON, DARLENE.
I'M NOT A WUWU PERSON.</b>

199
00:12:12,320 --> 00:12:14,120
<b>WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE?
>> ALL RIGHT.</b>

200
00:12:14,120 --> 00:12:17,179
<b>I'LL GIVE IT A SHOT.
I CAN'T FEEL ANY WORSE -- </b>

201
00:12:17,179 --> 00:12:19,750
<b>>> OH, NO, YOU COULD FEEL WAY
WORSE.</b>

202
00:12:19,750 --> 00:12:22,419
<b>SOMETIMES YOU THINK THIS IS THE
BOTTOM, BUT THIS IS JUST A TRAP </b>

203
00:12:22,419 --> 00:12:25,549
<b>DOOR TO THE NEXT LAYER OF HELL.
>> JACKIE!</b>

204
00:12:25,549 --> 00:12:30,679
<b>>> THERE'S ROOM FOR BOTH OF US
TO HELP, LOUISE!</b>

205
00:12:33,919 --> 00:12:39,679
<b>>>> THANKS FOR HELPING, DARLENE.
>> WELL, WE'RE ABOUT TO BECOME </b>

206
00:12:39,679 --> 00:12:41,220
<b>FAMILY.
SOY WANT EVERYONE TO BE IN A </b>

207
00:12:41,220 --> 00:12:44,120
<b>GOOD MOOD WHEN THEY COME TO OUR
BIG, FANCY WEDDING.</b>

208
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:50,279
<b>THERE, I SAID IT.
NOW GET USED TO IT.</b>

209
00:12:50,279 --> 00:12:54,120
<b>>> YOU WANT A BIG WEDDING?
HOW ARE WE GOING TO DO THAT?</b>

210
00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:56,980
<b>WE DON'T KNOW THAT MANY PEOPLE.
>> YOU DON'T, BUT I DO.</b>

211
00:12:56,980 --> 00:12:59,450
<b>I HAVE A BIG FAMILY AND LOTS OF
FRIENDS.</b>

212
00:12:59,450 --> 00:13:01,179
<b>THE ONLY DIFFERENCE IS I DON'T
LIVE WITH THEM ALL.</b>

213
00:13:01,179 --> 00:13:08,149
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]
I'M WILLING TO PAY, DAN.</b>

214
00:13:08,149 --> 00:13:11,519
<b>>> TRUST ME, YOU'RE GOING TO
WISH YOU HAD THAT MONEY BACK TO </b>

215
00:13:11,519 --> 00:13:13,850
<b>DO OTHER THINGS.
HERE'S A LITTLE SECRET.</b>

216
00:13:13,850 --> 00:13:17,049
<b>I WAS VERY HAPPY I MARRIED
ROSEANNE.</b>

217
00:13:17,049 --> 00:13:20,649
<b>BUT IF WE HAD SHACKED UP, I
COULD HAVE HAD A BOAT.</b>

218
00:13:20,649 --> 00:13:23,820
<b>>> I DON'T WANT A BOAT.
BUT I WISH YOU HAD ONE SO YOU </b>

219
00:13:23,820 --> 00:13:29,480
<b>COULD SLEEP ON IT TONIGHT.
I'M GOING BACK TO MY PLACE.</b>

220
00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:33,019
<b>>> I WAS AT THE WEDDING.
WOULD HAVE BEEN A PRETTY CRAPPIE</b>

221
00:13:33,019 --> 00:13:43,049
<b>BOAT.
>> LOUISE SAID TO SAY THANK YOU </b>

222
00:13:43,049 --> 00:13:45,549
<b>SO MUCH FOR SQUEEZING ME IN.
>> OH, SURE.</b>

223
00:13:45,549 --> 00:13:49,080
<b>JUST FINISHING UP MY DINNER.
>> YEAH, YOU'RE NOTHING LIKE I </b>

224
00:13:49,080 --> 00:13:52,379
<b>THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE.
NO BEADED CURTAINS, NO CRYSTAL </b>

225
00:13:52,379 --> 00:13:57,350
<b>BALL, AND YOU'RE NOT ALL SCARFY
LIKE STEVIE NIX.</b>

226
00:13:57,350 --> 00:14:01,080
<b>>> SHE'S A DOUBTER.
>> MAYBE SHE GETS THAT FROM HER </b>

227
00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,379
<b>MOTHER BEVERLY, BECAUSE I AM
SENSING SHE'S A NASTY OLD </b>

228
00:14:04,379 --> 00:14:06,519
<b>BUZZARD.
>> THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.</b>

229
00:14:06,519 --> 00:14:12,149
<b>IT'S ONE THING TO GET THE NAME,
BUT THE RIGHT KIND OF BIRD?</b>

230
00:14:12,149 --> 00:14:17,850
<b>>> BEFORE YOU START ON THIS
MESS, YOU MENTIONED MY MOTHER.</b>

231
00:14:17,850 --> 00:14:23,149
<b>I VRHAVEN'T HEARD FROM HER IN
QUITE A WHILE.</b>

232
00:14:23,149 --> 00:14:28,919
<b>COULD YOU CHECK THE AFTER LIFE?
>> IT'S UNCLEAR WHETHER I SHOULD</b>

233
00:14:28,919 --> 00:14:31,149
<b>BE PAID FOR ONE READING OR TWO.
>> GOTCHA.</b>

234
00:14:31,149 --> 00:14:36,950
<b>>> LET'S SEE HERE.
MMM.</b>

235
00:14:36,950 --> 00:14:38,350
<b>OH, MY GOD.
>> WHAT?</b>

236
00:14:38,350 --> 00:14:41,779
<b>>> I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
THAT BEFORE.</b>

237
00:14:41,779 --> 00:14:47,149
<b>YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY SUCH A
TOXIC CLOUD, I CAN'T SEE YOUR </b>

238
00:14:47,149 --> 00:14:48,820
<b>FUTURE.
>> WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, I DON'T </b>

239
00:14:48,820 --> 00:14:52,049
<b>HAVE A FUTURE?
>> WELL, NO.</b>

240
00:14:52,049 --> 00:14:56,419
<b>YOUR CYNICISM AND SKEPTICISM IS
SO STRONG, I CAN'T PIERCE THE </b>

241
00:14:56,419 --> 00:14:58,879
<b>VEIL TO GIVE YOU A READING.
IT'S LIKE I CAN'T GET ANY LIGHT </b>

242
00:14:58,879 --> 00:15:05,580
<b>FROM YOU.
YOU HAVE NO SPIRITUALITY.</b>

243
00:15:05,580 --> 00:15:09,049
<b>>> YOU ARE SPOT-ON!
CAN I SPLIT A READING OVER TWO </b>

244
00:15:09,049 --> 00:15:10,679
<b>CREDIT CARDS?
>> I DON'T UNDERSTAND.</b>

245
00:15:10,679 --> 00:15:12,950
<b>I CAME HERE BECAUSE MY BOYFRIEND
DUMPED ME.</b>

246
00:15:12,950 --> 00:15:15,750
<b>WHAT DOES HAVING NO SPIRITUALITY
HAVE TO DO WITH IT?</b>

247
00:15:15,750 --> 00:15:20,419
<b>>> IT'S LIKE HAVING BARBED WIRE
ALL AROUND YOU.</b>

248
00:15:20,419 --> 00:15:23,019
<b>NO ONE CAN GET CLOSE TO YOU.
AM I COMPLETELY OFF BASE HERE?</b>

249
00:15:23,019 --> 00:15:25,580
<b>HAVE THE REST OF YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS BEEN HEALTHY?</b>

250
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,649
<b>>> NO.
THEY HAVEN'T.</b>

251
00:15:28,649 --> 00:15:30,379
<b>ALL RIGHT.
SO HOW DO I CHANGE IT?</b>

252
00:15:30,379 --> 00:15:34,019
<b>CAN YOU KASICH A SPELL OR
SOMETHING?</b>

253
00:15:34,019 --> 00:15:40,049
<b>>> SOMEONE LOVED "HOCUS POCUS AS
A WILD, HUH?</b>

254
00:15:40,049 --> 00:15:42,080
<b>YOU NEED SOMETHING LARGER THAN
YOURSELF.</b>

255
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:45,080
<b>>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT GOD?
>> IT JUST DEPENDS.</b>

256
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:49,779
<b>IT'S YOUR JOURNEY.
I CAN'T HELP YOU WITH THAT.</b>

257
00:15:49,779 --> 00:15:51,879
<b>>> GOD OR NO GOD, IT'S UP TO
YOU.</b>

258
00:15:51,879 --> 00:15:53,720
<b>SCOOT OVER AND LET ME TAKE THE
REST OF THE SESSION.</b>

259
00:15:53,720 --> 00:16:00,149
<b>SCOOT OVER!
>> GOOD MORNING.</b>

260
00:16:00,149 --> 00:16:04,350
<b>HOW DID YOU SLEEP?
>> STICK IT IN YOUR EAR!</b>

261
00:16:04,350 --> 00:16:07,919
<b>>> OKAY, LOOK, I'M JUST CONFUSED
WHY YOU WANT A BIG WEDDING.</b>

262
00:16:07,919 --> 00:16:10,149
<b>YOU'RE LIKE ME.
YOU DON'T LIKE A LOT OF FUSS.</b>

263
00:16:10,149 --> 00:16:14,279
<b>YOU DON'T NEED FANCY THINGS.
>> I KNOW IT'S A SHOCK.</b>

264
00:16:14,279 --> 00:16:18,179
<b>BUT A TOUGH GAL LIKE ME WOULD
WANT A CHURCH AND A DRESS AND A </b>

265
00:16:18,179 --> 00:16:21,279
<b>BIG WEDDING CAKE, THE WHOLE
THING.</b>

266
00:16:21,279 --> 00:16:26,320
<b>IT'S A SHOCK TO ME, TOO.
BUT IT HIT ME LAST NIGHT.</b>

267
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,919
<b>IT'S BECAUSE MY PARENTS NEVER
HAD A REAL WEDDING.</b>

268
00:16:29,919 --> 00:16:32,279
<b>THEY JUST WENT DOWN TO THE
COURTHOUSE LIKE THEY WERE PAYING</b>

269
00:16:32,279 --> 00:16:37,419
<b>OFF A TRAFFIC TICKET.
THAT'S HOW THEIR MARRIAGE FELT.</b>

270
00:16:37,419 --> 00:16:43,419
<b>>> I WISH I HAD KNOWN THAT.
NOW I FEEL LIKE A JACKASS.</b>

271
00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:45,679
<b>>> YOU ARE.
BUT THE NAME THING IS YOU HAVE </b>

272
00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:49,350
<b>TO HEAR ME WHEN I TELL YOU WHAT
I WANT.</b>

273
00:16:49,350 --> 00:16:52,480
<b>YOU HAD 47 YEARS OF MARRIAGE
WITH ROSEANNE.</b>

274
00:16:52,480 --> 00:16:54,779
<b>TO LEARN, TO READ EACH OTHER'S
MINDS.</b>

275
00:16:54,779 --> 00:17:00,379
<b>WHEN WE'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR 47
YEARS, YOU CAN DO THE SAME WITH </b>

276
00:17:00,379 --> 00:17:02,950
<b>ME.
FROM THAT ERN ON THE </b>

277
00:17:02,950 --> 00:17:08,650
<b>MANTLEPIECE.
>> I THINK YOU MEAN FOLGERS CAN,</b>

278
00:17:08,650 --> 00:17:12,450
<b>BUT I GET WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
[ APPLAUSE ]</b>

279
00:17:15,079 --> 00:17:19,019
<b>♪
>> WHAT YOU WATCHING?</b>

280
00:17:19,019 --> 00:17:23,079
<b>>> OH, IT'S A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT
EINSTEIN AND RELIGION.</b>

281
00:17:23,079 --> 00:17:27,650
<b>I'M TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW A
LOGICAL, EDUCATED PERSON CAN GET</b>

282
00:17:27,650 --> 00:17:30,079
<b>TO A PLACE WHERE THEY BELIEVE IN
GOD.</b>

283
00:17:30,079 --> 00:17:36,380
<b>>> WAIT, IS MY LITTLE ATHEIST
LOSING FAITH IN HER LACK OF </b>

284
00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:40,680
<b>FAITH?
>> I AM COMPLETELY LOST.</b>

285
00:17:40,680 --> 00:17:45,819
<b>THE PSYCHIC SAID THAT I NEED
SPIRITUALITY IN MY LIFE IF I'M </b>

286
00:17:45,819 --> 00:17:50,250
<b>EVER GOING TO CHANGE.
DO YOU THINK THERE'S A GOD?</b>

287
00:17:50,250 --> 00:17:53,019
<b>>> I THINK HE'S ON A BREAK RIGHT
NOW.</b>

288
00:17:53,019 --> 00:18:01,250
<b>BUT HE OCCASIONALLY RETURNS A
CALL.</b>

289
00:18:01,250 --> 00:18:03,950
<b>DID YOU GO BACK TO THE PSYCHIC?
>> YEAH.</b>

290
00:18:03,950 --> 00:18:07,119
<b>>> WHAT'S WRONG?
>> BAD NEWS.</b>

291
00:18:07,119 --> 00:18:08,819
<b>IT'S MY MOM.
STILL NOT DEAD.</b>

292
00:18:08,819 --> 00:18:29,420
<b>[ LAUGHTER ]
>> SURPRISED TO SEE ME, RIGHT?</b>

293
00:18:29,420 --> 00:18:33,920
<b>IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.
I KNOW I SAID YOU DON'T EXIST, </b>

294
00:18:33,920 --> 00:18:38,380
<b>BUT I AM GOING TO TRY TO BELIEVE
IN YOU.</b>

295
00:18:38,380 --> 00:18:43,779
<b>I ONCE ASKED MY MOM IF THERE WAS
A GOD AND SHE SAID, WELL, IF </b>

296
00:18:43,779 --> 00:18:50,349
<b>THERE'S NOT, WE'RE SCREWED.
SO I HOPE I'M NOT SCREWED.</b>

297
00:18:50,349 --> 00:18:54,880
<b>HEY, THANKS FOR MARK.
AND BY THE WAY, MAYBE SOME DAY </b>

298
00:18:54,880 --> 00:18:58,519
<b>YOU'LL EXPLAIN WHY YOU GAVE ME
HARRIS.</b>

299
00:18:58,519 --> 00:19:02,880
<b>NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP, I
PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.</b>

300
00:19:02,880 --> 00:19:08,250
<b>AND IF I DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
WELL, I'LL KNOW YOU'RE STILL </b>

301
00:19:08,250 --> 00:19:14,950
<b>PISSED.
AMEN.</b>

302
00:19:27,680 --> 00:19:32,880
<b>>>> HI, IS THIS KERRY CONNER?
>> YEAH, IT IS.</b>

303
00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:36,279
<b>>> HI.
THIS IS MARK CONNER FROM THE </b>

304
00:19:36,279 --> 00:19:38,250
<b>LANFORD CONNERS.
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU -- </b>

305
00:19:38,250 --> 00:19:42,349
<b>DOES YOUR FAMILY EVER GET ON YOU
ABOUT ANY BAD HABITS THAT YOU </b>

306
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:44,779
<b>HAVE?
>> UMM, LOTS.</b>

307
00:19:44,779 --> 00:19:46,420
<b>>> OH, OKAY.
THANKS FOR BEING A CONNER.</b>

308
00:19:46,420 --> 00:19:54,579
<b>BYE.
>> HEY, HOW IS THE SEARCH FOR </b>

309
00:19:54,579 --> 00:19:57,549
<b>THE CONNER GENE GOING?
>> HALF THE CONNERS ARE BROKE </b>

310
00:19:57,549 --> 00:19:59,720
<b>AND DRINK LIKE FISH.
BUT THEY'RE GREAT PEOPLE.</b>

311
00:19:59,720 --> 00:20:01,880
<b>I HOPE WE GET TO MEET THEM IN
PERSON SOME DAY.</b>

312
00:20:01,880 --> 00:20:04,980
<b>>> I WENT TO A COUSIN'S PICNIC
ONCE.</b>

313
00:20:04,980 --> 00:20:09,119
<b>THEY STOLE MY SHOES.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE REUNION.</b>

314
00:20:09,119 --> 00:20:11,819
<b>SO WHAT IS YOUR CONCLUSION?
>> IT'S A MIXED BAG.</b>

315
00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:13,819
<b>SOME OF THE CONNERS ARE DOING
REALLY WELL.</b>

316
00:20:13,819 --> 00:20:16,819
<b>SO WHO KNOWS?
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK IT IS UP TO</b>

317
00:20:16,819 --> 00:20:18,720
<b>YOU.
I THINK YOUR GENES SET YOU OFF </b>

318
00:20:18,720 --> 00:20:21,680
<b>IN A DIRECTION, BUT YOU CAN
CHANGE THAT DIRECTION.</b>

319
00:20:21,680 --> 00:20:24,680
<b>LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, WE DON'T
CHANGE THE SHEETS A LOT IN THIS </b>

320
00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:27,650
<b>HOUSE, BUT WE COULD.
>> YEAH.</b>

321
00:20:27,650 --> 00:20:31,019
<b>AND IF NOTHING ELSE, NOW I KNOW
MY GENES MIGHT BE TRYING TO </b>

322
00:20:31,019 --> 00:20:33,829
<b>DESTROY ME, SO FAILURE CAN'T
SNEAK UP ON ME LIKE IT DID YOU </b>

323
00:20:33,829 --> 00:20:36,019
<b>GUYS?
>> IT DIDN'T SNEAK UP ON US.</b>

324
00:20:36,019 --> 00:20:39,849
<b>IT RANG THE DOORBELL AND SAID
HI, WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU.</b>

325
00:20:43,319 --> 00:20:50,650
<b>[ APPLAUSE ]</b>