1 00:00:04,213 --> 00:00:05,797 Hey, Mark, you nervous 2 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:08,133 about the first day at your new school? 3 00:00:08,133 --> 00:00:10,385 I'm peeing my pants over mine. 4 00:00:10,385 --> 00:00:11,887 You sure it's nerves? 5 00:00:11,887 --> 00:00:14,598 I read that's what happens when you have a baby in your forties. 6 00:00:15,265 --> 00:00:17,392 You don't even have to have a baby. 7 00:00:17,392 --> 00:00:20,103 Sometimes it happens to me when I open a new jar of pickles. 8 00:00:20,103 --> 00:00:21,688 No, you're gonna do great. 9 00:00:21,688 --> 00:00:23,232 You got nothing to worry about. 10 00:00:23,232 --> 00:00:25,067 Harris: Oh, I don't know about that. 11 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,944 He's going to a magnet school now. 12 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:28,654 He'll probably be the dumbest kid there. 13 00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,364 No. 14 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,116 I am worried, though, about him looking like the poorest. 15 00:00:33,116 --> 00:00:35,869 I put generic chips in this brand‐name bag. 16 00:00:35,869 --> 00:00:37,454 Make sure to wave it around at lunch. 17 00:00:37,454 --> 00:00:39,164 And for God's sakes, bring the bag back. 18 00:00:39,164 --> 00:00:41,750 I need it for work tomorrow. 19 00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,503 Ah. [ Smooches ] Magnet school. 20 00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:47,089 I am so proud of you. 21 00:00:47,089 --> 00:00:48,924 First Conner to go to a school 22 00:00:48,924 --> 00:00:51,718 that doesn't start with the words "public" or "reform." 23 00:00:51,718 --> 00:00:53,679 Here, here. 24 00:00:53,679 --> 00:00:55,764 [ Mugs clinking ] 25 00:00:55,764 --> 00:00:58,308 [ Glass clanking ] 26 00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:02,354 Wow. It's my first day of school after 29 years. 27 00:01:02,354 --> 00:01:04,523 Nice if I had that kind of support. 28 00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:08,318 [ Jackie gasps ] Together: Surprise! 29 00:01:08,318 --> 00:01:10,445 Seriously? 30 00:01:10,445 --> 00:01:13,907 Yeah. You overcame drinking, a life of poor choices, 31 00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,285 and you're starting college at 46 years old. 32 00:01:16,285 --> 00:01:17,911 This little snot's just smart. 33 00:01:18,954 --> 00:01:21,206 And from me... 34 00:01:21,206 --> 00:01:23,792 [ Gasps ] ...a unicorn backpack. 35 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:26,962 And there's plenty of room in there for your calcium chews. 36 00:01:26,962 --> 00:01:29,965 You don't want to break a bone when you're clapping erasers. 37 00:01:29,965 --> 00:01:31,717 I can't clap erasers. 38 00:01:31,717 --> 00:01:34,511 [ Hoarsely ] It aggravates my consumption. 39 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:39,641 And we're starting a "Becky's A Big Girl Now" chart... 40 00:01:39,641 --> 00:01:43,103 Oh‐ho‐ho‐ho! ...to mark how much you grow during the school year 41 00:01:43,103 --> 00:01:44,938 and how many teeth you lose. 42 00:01:44,938 --> 00:01:49,318 Although, in this family, that's more about gum disease. 43 00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:50,986 And unlike the rest of these jokers, 44 00:01:50,986 --> 00:01:52,529 I really am proud of you. 45 00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:54,656 Here. I got you a laptop. 46 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,325 Wow! 47 00:01:56,325 --> 00:01:58,201 Yeah, I picked it up at a police auction. 48 00:01:58,201 --> 00:02:00,495 I was in a bidding war for a drug dealer's Maserati, 49 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:03,373 but I crapped out at 180 bucks. 50 00:02:03,373 --> 00:02:04,708 Becky: Thank you, guys. 51 00:02:04,708 --> 00:02:06,335 I am pretty worried, though. 52 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:08,628 My first class is Statistics 53 00:02:08,628 --> 00:02:10,255 and it's gonna be a big challenge 54 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,215 after not being in school for so long. 55 00:02:12,215 --> 00:02:14,259 Well, I have a great statistics joke 56 00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:15,761 you can use to impress your teacher. 57 00:02:15,761 --> 00:02:18,388 [ Gasps ] A statistician tried to cross a river 58 00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:21,725 that was one meter deep on average. 59 00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,769 He drowned. [ Laughs ] 60 00:02:23,769 --> 00:02:25,520 Get it? 61 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:27,481 He didn't factor in the variability 62 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:28,649 in a median analysis. 63 00:02:28,649 --> 00:02:31,193 You don't see that coming! [ Knock on door ] 64 00:02:31,193 --> 00:02:33,862 Uh, you know what else you're not gonna see coming? 65 00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,197 Friends, if you tell that joke. 66 00:02:40,994 --> 00:02:42,287 Hey. Hey. 67 00:02:43,580 --> 00:02:45,332 Uh, if you're selling chocolate bars, 68 00:02:45,332 --> 00:02:46,958 I think you should know that in my book, 69 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,878 they're not really the world's finest. 70 00:02:49,878 --> 00:02:52,214 Um, I just stopped by 'cause I found this box 71 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,132 of your stuff in my storage unit. 72 00:02:57,719 --> 00:02:59,805 Oh. 73 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:01,640 Well, don't you want this? 74 00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,476 It's from the day we put out the first copy of Lock 'Em Up. 75 00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:05,644 I made it for you. 76 00:03:05,644 --> 00:03:07,396 Nah, you should have it. 77 00:03:07,396 --> 00:03:11,233 It'll just end up in a drawer at my place. 78 00:03:14,319 --> 00:03:16,029 Uh, yeah, I've got a drawer too. 79 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,698 I'll just put it in there. 80 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:22,661 Bye. 81 00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:27,207 Bye. 82 00:03:27,207 --> 00:03:28,667 [ Door opens ] Who was that? 83 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,293 Ben. 84 00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:33,547 He's trying to get rid of anything that reminds him of me. 85 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,715 I mean, this is killing me. 86 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:37,717 I know. It's brutal. 87 00:03:37,717 --> 00:03:39,052 You'll get past it. 88 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:41,054 No, I don't feel like I will. 89 00:03:41,054 --> 00:03:43,265 I actually said a prayer last night. 90 00:03:43,265 --> 00:03:44,933 You did what? 91 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,643 I said a prayer. 92 00:03:46,643 --> 00:03:48,645 To who? Satan? 93 00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:51,481 No. I prayed to God. 94 00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:53,775 Why? You don't believe in God. 95 00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:56,736 I need to believe in something that can help me with this. 96 00:03:56,736 --> 00:03:58,196 I've never felt so lost. 97 00:03:58,196 --> 00:04:00,949 I can't do it on my own anymore. 98 00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,493 I know what it feels like to be lost. 99 00:04:05,078 --> 00:04:07,247 Come to my sobriety meeting tonight. 100 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,499 If you're looking for spirituality, 101 00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,668 there's a speaker there I know you'll love. 102 00:04:11,668 --> 00:04:13,545 I don't like people. 103 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:16,465 Speaking on behalf of people, we don't like you either. 104 00:04:17,716 --> 00:04:19,468 But give it a shot. 105 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,554 Sad and lonely will always be there for you. 106 00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,931 I love those guys. They're my longest relationship. 107 00:04:30,061 --> 00:04:37,903 ♪♪ 108 00:04:37,903 --> 00:04:45,744 ♪♪ 109 00:04:45,744 --> 00:04:53,543 ♪♪ 110 00:04:53,543 --> 00:05:01,468 ♪♪ 111 00:05:06,097 --> 00:05:07,849 I know Neville gave you a budget, 112 00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,476 but I don't think he'll be happy 113 00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:11,269 that you spent it all on autographed footballs. 114 00:05:11,269 --> 00:05:12,604 I didn't. 115 00:05:12,604 --> 00:05:14,856 Well, then how'd you get a ball signed by Walter Payton? 116 00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,358 Well, just like this... 117 00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,821 And it comes with a certificate of authenticity 118 00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,699 signed by, uh... I don't know, Barack Obama. 119 00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:27,702 Ladies. 120 00:05:27,702 --> 00:05:29,871 Don Blansky. 121 00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,414 How's the cemetery biz, Don? 122 00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,250 Ah, only good and getting better. 123 00:05:33,250 --> 00:05:35,794 The state is letting me stack now. 124 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:38,797 Well, one man's ceiling is another man's rotting corpse. 125 00:05:40,090 --> 00:05:41,424 You know we're not open, right? 126 00:05:41,424 --> 00:05:43,426 Oh, yeah, I just wanted to drop by 127 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:46,471 and congratulate you guys for turning this place into a bar. 128 00:05:46,471 --> 00:05:47,556 Thanks. Just waiting for the liquor license. 129 00:05:47,556 --> 00:05:50,475 I sent in that paperwork like four weeks ago. 130 00:05:50,475 --> 00:05:53,228 You know, I was recently, uh, 131 00:05:53,228 --> 00:05:55,021 elected to the Lanford city council. 132 00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:56,481 I can help push that through. 133 00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,900 Oh my God, thank you! 134 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:01,236 I take back everything I ever said or thought about you. 135 00:06:01,236 --> 00:06:02,696 Oh, no worries. 136 00:06:02,696 --> 00:06:04,489 The point is, 137 00:06:04,489 --> 00:06:06,950 when I do these kind of favors for people, 138 00:06:06,950 --> 00:06:09,452 they usually respond with, 139 00:06:09,452 --> 00:06:12,247 "What can I do for you, Don Blansky?" 140 00:06:12,247 --> 00:06:14,833 And what do you usually say? 141 00:06:14,833 --> 00:06:18,295 Well, I usually say my cemetery is a Lanford landmark 142 00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:20,005 and badly in need of repairs. 143 00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,257 Just because your loved ones are dead, 144 00:06:22,257 --> 00:06:24,342 doesn't mean that our grass needs to be. 145 00:06:24,342 --> 00:06:27,762 So I am accepting donations 146 00:06:27,762 --> 00:06:29,806 for the Cemetery Beautification Fund. 147 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:33,101 I've got 20 bucks for a good cause like that. 148 00:06:33,101 --> 00:06:35,478 $20 doesn't even suck the bloated frog 149 00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:37,147 out of the koi pond filter. 150 00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,900 I was thinking more in the area of $500. 151 00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,401 You're trying to extort me. 152 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:42,903 I'm trying to help you. 153 00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,780 Not a dime! Get out! 154 00:06:45,780 --> 00:06:47,824 Hey, look, I remember this guy. 155 00:06:47,824 --> 00:06:49,326 He's an insecure little man. 156 00:06:49,326 --> 00:06:50,076 Give me a minute. 157 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:53,121 You know, Don, 158 00:06:53,121 --> 00:06:57,125 I was a freshman when you were a senior at Lanford. 159 00:06:57,125 --> 00:06:59,252 I always had a little crush on you. 160 00:06:59,252 --> 00:07:01,463 You never even talked to me. 161 00:07:01,463 --> 00:07:03,673 Well, I was intimidated by you. 162 00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:07,594 I mean, you were Don Blansky, Mister Corduroy. 163 00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:14,643 How would you like a little arm candy at the next reunion? 164 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:16,061 Nice try, 165 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:19,356 but I am four payments away from buying a Russian bride. 166 00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,191 But chin up. 167 00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:27,197 You were something in your day and still have those memories. 168 00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:29,074 I'll tell you a memory I have. 169 00:07:29,074 --> 00:07:30,950 You stinking up the school 170 00:07:30,950 --> 00:07:33,703 with head‐to‐toe corduroy after gym class. 171 00:07:33,703 --> 00:07:35,997 Listen, alright, without a liquor license, 172 00:07:35,997 --> 00:07:37,957 there's no sports bar, okay? 173 00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,793 So we all got to work together. 174 00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,544 Now, you help me, I help you. 175 00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,962 Out! 176 00:07:42,962 --> 00:07:44,339 [ Sighs ] 177 00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:49,594 I am never paying that guy, no way in Hell ‐‐ 178 00:07:49,594 --> 00:07:50,887 or wherever he's going 179 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,972 for burying people like a seven‐layer bean dip. 180 00:07:56,017 --> 00:07:59,270 If you take away one thing from what I'm saying tonight, 181 00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:01,898 it's that you can bounce back from anything. 182 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:08,363 I hit my rock bottom on Christmas Eve, 2002. 183 00:08:08,363 --> 00:08:10,573 My wife and kids had to bail me out 184 00:08:10,573 --> 00:08:13,535 when I was arrested for drunk driving 185 00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,287 with two naked women 186 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,665 free‐basing in the back seat of my car. 187 00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:22,210 And I did not help myself by arguing 188 00:08:22,210 --> 00:08:24,170 that I couldn't be drunk driving 189 00:08:24,170 --> 00:08:26,214 because I was in the back seat, too. 190 00:08:27,966 --> 00:08:29,342 I felt bad for the women. 191 00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,846 They had nowhere to go on Christmas, so... 192 00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:36,057 I invited them back to my house to have dinner with my family. 193 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,892 When you're sober, 194 00:08:37,892 --> 00:08:41,062 you can really see that that might be a bit of a mistake. 195 00:08:43,565 --> 00:08:45,275 You know who needs to hear this guy? 196 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:47,235 Ben. He makes me look like an angel. 197 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,612 I just can't believe the pastor lets him talk like this 198 00:08:49,612 --> 00:08:50,739 in the church basement. 199 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,741 Yeah, the pastor's okay with it. 200 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:54,117 How do you know? 201 00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:56,703 He's the pastor. 202 00:08:56,703 --> 00:08:57,829 My wife left me. 203 00:08:57,829 --> 00:09:01,124 I was completely lost. 204 00:09:02,167 --> 00:09:04,794 Then I found my way here, 205 00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:08,548 and once I gave over control to something bigger than me, 206 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,051 I stopped the lying and the cheating, 207 00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,803 and some of the darkness and cynicism in my life 208 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:14,804 began to lift. 209 00:09:14,804 --> 00:09:18,975 Right now, I'm happy 210 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,393 and I have a real relationship 211 00:09:20,393 --> 00:09:24,522 and I know I owe it all to the grace of God 212 00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:28,151 and a whole bunch of court‐ordered methadone. 213 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,657 Anyway, that's why I'm here ‐‐ 214 00:09:34,657 --> 00:09:39,746 to tell you you can have real change in your life 215 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:42,373 if you want it bad enough. 216 00:09:42,373 --> 00:09:47,253 [ Applause ] 217 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:48,963 Thanks for bringing me. This guy's amazing. 218 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:50,548 So go talk to him. 219 00:09:50,548 --> 00:09:52,717 Oh, no, no. I‐I'm not ready yet. 220 00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:53,968 Can we just go? 221 00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:55,553 I‐I feel like this guy's been giving me the stink eye 222 00:09:55,553 --> 00:09:57,597 since we got here. 223 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:59,224 Well, that's one of those paintings 224 00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:00,433 where the eyes follow you everywhere. 225 00:10:00,433 --> 00:10:01,726 I wouldn't take that personally. 226 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,062 [ Chuckles ] Hey, Pastor Phil. 227 00:10:04,062 --> 00:10:06,314 This is my sister, Darlene. 228 00:10:06,314 --> 00:10:09,067 She's an atheist who wants to be convinced there's a God. 229 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,777 Go. 230 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:16,366 I'd, uh, uh ‐‐ Trees, animals, smile on a baby's face. 231 00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:18,034 Where do you think that stuff came from, huh? 232 00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,160 [ Smacks lips ] Mic drop. 233 00:10:19,160 --> 00:10:20,578 [ Both chuckle ] 234 00:10:20,578 --> 00:10:23,957 Okay, uh, Darwin, the Big Bang Theory, 235 00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:28,378 and the ark was filled with only animals from the Middle East. 236 00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,214 Alright, here's your mic back. 237 00:10:31,214 --> 00:10:33,508 Okay. 238 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:34,384 Pbb‐pbb. 239 00:10:34,384 --> 00:10:37,762 Um, Darwin and the Big Bang 240 00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:40,098 were created by intelligent design. 241 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:43,017 The "animals on the ark" thing... 242 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:45,311 is a bit of a problem. 243 00:10:45,311 --> 00:10:47,981 Look, I really want to believe 244 00:10:47,981 --> 00:10:51,276 because I need something to hang onto, and ‐‐ and I am trying. 245 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:52,819 But I'm a logical person. 246 00:10:52,819 --> 00:10:55,280 So how do you convince somebody like me? 247 00:10:55,280 --> 00:10:59,033 Well, you wouldn't be the first logical person to turn to God. 248 00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,286 Our mom raised us to question everything. 249 00:11:01,286 --> 00:11:02,787 And I was like that, too, 250 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,372 before I went to rehab 251 00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:08,126 and accepted a higher power into my life. 252 00:11:08,126 --> 00:11:09,294 I'm doing a sermon tomorrow 253 00:11:09,294 --> 00:11:13,381 about turning to God when you need help the most. 254 00:11:13,381 --> 00:11:14,966 Why don't you come to the service? 255 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:16,092 See if it makes sense to you. 256 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,012 If not, we go our separate ways, 257 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,388 you burn in Hell. 258 00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,056 [ Laughs ] 259 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:25,393 Yeah, I‐I don't think it's for me, but thank you so much. 260 00:11:25,393 --> 00:11:27,020 And I‐I really like your sense of humor. 261 00:11:27,020 --> 00:11:29,397 They could have used more guys like you during the Inquisition. 262 00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:30,773 [ Chuckles ] 263 00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:37,322 "There's more dirt on Blansky 264 00:11:37,322 --> 00:11:39,199 than the bodies in his graveyard." 265 00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,825 Nice. 266 00:11:40,825 --> 00:11:42,368 Pretty good. [ Chuckles ] 267 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:45,330 But I think mine cuts a little deeper. 268 00:11:45,330 --> 00:11:49,626 [ Chuckles ] "Don Blansky is blackmailing my girlfriend's restaurant 269 00:11:49,626 --> 00:11:54,339 and he won't give her a liquor license 270 00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:57,675 and that's why we're protesting." 271 00:11:57,675 --> 00:12:00,803 Boom! [ Laughs ] 272 00:12:00,803 --> 00:12:02,889 Well, we're trying to destroy the guy, 273 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,225 not give him eye strain. 274 00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:07,560 Well, I'm sorry, but destroying someone 275 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:10,521 doesn't come as naturally to me as it does to you people. 276 00:12:10,521 --> 00:12:12,774 It's 'cause you're a‐a nice guy. 277 00:12:12,774 --> 00:12:14,317 Which makes you... 278 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:16,444 useless to us. 279 00:12:18,196 --> 00:12:20,657 No, you're not useless. 280 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:22,784 You're sweet. 281 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:25,453 And that's gonna come in handy when I'm old and mean 282 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:28,414 and screaming at you to help me get off the pot. 283 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:30,625 All I'm hearing is that we have a future. 284 00:12:30,625 --> 00:12:32,877 [ Laughs ] 285 00:12:32,877 --> 00:12:34,128 Guess what happened to me. 286 00:12:34,128 --> 00:12:36,214 I applied for a permit 287 00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:38,549 to serve alcohol at my wedding reception, 288 00:12:38,549 --> 00:12:41,386 and I get a call from some guy named Don Blansky 289 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,054 who says you're holding things up 290 00:12:43,054 --> 00:12:44,597 and I should talk to you. 291 00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,557 He wants me to bribe him. 292 00:12:46,557 --> 00:12:48,309 Bribe him. 293 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,312 Oh, so you're saying that drinking at your wedding 294 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:53,439 is more important than the rule of law? 295 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:55,233 Yes. 296 00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:57,360 I've been pushed around my whole life by my mother, 297 00:12:57,360 --> 00:13:01,364 my controlling exes, now this grave‐digging punk. 298 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:04,659 This is where I draw the line, and I'm drawing it in blood. 299 00:13:04,659 --> 00:13:06,452 You're drawing it in Neville's blood. 300 00:13:06,452 --> 00:13:08,246 Talk to her, Neville. 301 00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,206 You dropped a bundle on The Lunch Box, 302 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:11,582 and if you don't get a liquor license, 303 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:12,917 you're gonna lose it. 304 00:13:12,917 --> 00:13:17,171 Maybe, but I support Jackie 100%. 305 00:13:17,171 --> 00:13:19,132 Well, thank you, Neville. 306 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,884 And I believe that there are enough good people in this city 307 00:13:21,884 --> 00:13:24,387 who will be outraged at this abuse of power 308 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,097 and will bring it to an end. 309 00:13:26,097 --> 00:13:27,849 You know who's gonna be outraged? 310 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:29,267 The guys at the wedding 311 00:13:29,267 --> 00:13:31,144 who have to dance with their wives sober. 312 00:13:31,144 --> 00:13:32,854 [ Simpering ] "Yes, dear. 313 00:13:32,854 --> 00:13:35,064 I think we should go out dancing more often." 314 00:13:40,028 --> 00:13:41,404 Aren't you supposed to be in class? 315 00:13:41,404 --> 00:13:42,613 Aren't you supposed to be at work? 316 00:13:42,613 --> 00:13:44,073 Oh, yeah. 317 00:13:44,073 --> 00:13:46,367 I was supposed to be hosting a wellness seminar 318 00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,828 on bringing a positive attitude to work, 319 00:13:48,828 --> 00:13:50,997 but I thought, "meh." 320 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:54,500 Well, I bailed on Statistics. 321 00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,252 I clicked on Zoom gallery view 322 00:13:56,252 --> 00:13:58,171 and saw a bunch of 18‐year‐olds 323 00:13:58,171 --> 00:14:00,214 wondering why a 46‐year‐old alcoholic 324 00:14:00,214 --> 00:14:01,841 was in their class. 325 00:14:01,841 --> 00:14:05,303 Oh, honey, did you find God? 326 00:14:05,303 --> 00:14:07,847 I don't think I can buy this whole religion thing. 327 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,892 I think Mom kind of cursed me with her skepticism. 328 00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,810 You don't know your mom as well as you think you do. 329 00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:17,732 This is your mom's. 330 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,692 Mom had a bible? 331 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,069 Where was this? 332 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,195 In the kitchen drawer. 333 00:14:22,195 --> 00:14:24,072 That's why, for the last 40 years, 334 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:27,658 we've been calling it "the drawer with the bible." 335 00:14:27,658 --> 00:14:29,327 I never saw her reading it. 336 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,370 Well, she didn't take it out a lot, 337 00:14:31,370 --> 00:14:34,207 but sometimes life would get to be a little too much, 338 00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:36,459 and that's where she found her comfort. 339 00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:39,670 Oh, so she believed in this and it helped her? 340 00:14:39,670 --> 00:14:43,591 I think she found that it connected her with God. 341 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,511 She put your names in there when you were born, 342 00:14:46,511 --> 00:14:47,762 and then she'd write little prayers 343 00:14:47,762 --> 00:14:49,764 asking him to watch over you. 344 00:14:49,764 --> 00:14:51,682 There was a few times she wanted to smack you with it, 345 00:14:51,682 --> 00:14:54,227 but I said that's a mixed message. 346 00:14:54,227 --> 00:14:57,772 Wow, so Mom had a bible. 347 00:14:57,772 --> 00:15:01,609 Well, if she got something out of this, maybe I can too. 348 00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:04,362 You know, I think this showing up out of nowhere is a sign. 349 00:15:04,362 --> 00:15:07,281 It didn't show up out of nowhere. 350 00:15:07,281 --> 00:15:09,617 It was in the bible drawer. 351 00:15:09,617 --> 00:15:12,995 And God revealed the drawer to us. 352 00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,706 No, I did. 353 00:15:15,706 --> 00:15:17,583 I opened the bible drawer, and guess what was in there? 354 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,418 A bible. 355 00:15:19,418 --> 00:15:22,296 But who do you think made you open the drawer? 356 00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,841 I think we've all just witnessed a miracle. 357 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,759 It's not a miracle! 358 00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:29,595 It's a man opening a drawer with a bible 359 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,888 and finding a bible! 360 00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,306 Lord, help these people. 361 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:36,894 [ Organ plays ] 362 00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,104 Thanks for coming. 363 00:15:38,104 --> 00:15:39,689 You okay? 364 00:15:39,689 --> 00:15:40,857 Yeah, yeah. 365 00:15:40,857 --> 00:15:42,316 Uh, I have Mom's bible, 366 00:15:42,316 --> 00:15:43,734 and I haven't burst into flames yet, 367 00:15:43,734 --> 00:15:46,112 so, so far, so good. 368 00:15:46,112 --> 00:15:47,738 Hang in there. 369 00:15:47,738 --> 00:15:50,408 Maybe you'll get lucky and the Rapture will happen 370 00:15:50,408 --> 00:15:51,909 and everyone will get sucked up to Heaven 371 00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:53,327 and you'll have the place to yourself. 372 00:15:53,327 --> 00:15:55,371 You think you're going to Heaven? 373 00:15:55,371 --> 00:15:57,206 You'll be in Hell with me. 374 00:15:57,206 --> 00:15:59,083 Yeah, you're probably right. 375 00:15:59,083 --> 00:16:01,002 But at least we'll be together. 376 00:16:01,002 --> 00:16:03,171 We can do shots off a demon's ass. 377 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:05,882 [ Chuckles ] [ Laughs ] 378 00:16:05,882 --> 00:16:08,092 You're welcome to join us, of course. 379 00:16:09,051 --> 00:16:11,470 Welcome to the service, everyone, 380 00:16:11,470 --> 00:16:15,183 and a special welcome to all the newcomers joining us today. 381 00:16:15,183 --> 00:16:19,937 You know [clears throat] someone recently said to me 382 00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:23,816 that they were having trouble finding faith. 383 00:16:23,816 --> 00:16:26,068 They said, "I'm a logical person. 384 00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:28,821 How do you convince someone like me?" 385 00:16:28,821 --> 00:16:32,533 And I realized that logic 386 00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:34,535 was not bringing this person comfort. 387 00:16:36,495 --> 00:16:40,166 Let's turn to Isaiah 41:10, 388 00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,168 where we read, 389 00:16:42,168 --> 00:16:46,422 "Don't be afraid, for I am with you. 390 00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:51,385 And I will strengthen you and help you." 391 00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,678 I got to go. 392 00:16:52,678 --> 00:16:54,096 What's wrong? 393 00:16:54,096 --> 00:16:56,182 I just have to go. 394 00:17:01,687 --> 00:17:03,940 Jackie. Yeah? 395 00:17:03,940 --> 00:17:06,859 Jackie‐e‐e‐e! 396 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,486 What? 397 00:17:08,486 --> 00:17:09,362 You know... 398 00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:10,905 Come on, bring it in. 399 00:17:10,905 --> 00:17:14,450 I know it went against everything you believed in, 400 00:17:14,450 --> 00:17:17,078 but I really appreciate you paying Blansky off 401 00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:19,330 so we could get a liquor permit. 402 00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,249 Now we can have a wedding to remember 403 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:22,625 that no one can remember. 404 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,126 I didn't do that. 405 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:25,711 Oh, come on. 406 00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,506 I know you hate to admit that I was right, but I was right. 407 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:31,551 No. Dan, I'm telling you, I didn't do that. 408 00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,553 Neville. 409 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:34,762 Yeah? 410 00:17:34,762 --> 00:17:36,514 Neville! 411 00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,935 What? I can't believe 412 00:17:40,935 --> 00:17:43,354 you went behind my back and paid off Blansky. 413 00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:45,815 That is a huge violation. 414 00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,025 I don't even want to hear your excuse. 415 00:17:48,025 --> 00:17:49,694 Thanks a lot, buddy. 416 00:17:49,694 --> 00:17:51,279 I'll make sure to give a drunken toast at the wedding 417 00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:54,323 to you and whoever you're dating after Jackie. 418 00:17:59,745 --> 00:18:02,081 Please don't break up with me. I did not bribe him. 419 00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:04,208 Of course you didn't, you idiot. I did. 420 00:18:04,208 --> 00:18:07,086 What? You said you'd never give in. 421 00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,297 What happened to never being pushed around again? 422 00:18:09,297 --> 00:18:11,757 Well, I was ready to go out and protest today. 423 00:18:11,757 --> 00:18:15,595 And then I looked at your dumb run‐on sentence picket sign 424 00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:17,888 and the one that Harris wanted you to carry that said, 425 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:20,558 "Blansky's got nothing in his pants‐ky," 426 00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:22,310 and I thought, 427 00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:25,313 "This guy is supporting me unconditionally 428 00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,398 even though he doesn't agree with me. 429 00:18:27,398 --> 00:18:30,151 And it might cost him thousands." 430 00:18:30,151 --> 00:18:31,444 And that's something somebody does 431 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,863 when they love you. I do. 432 00:18:33,863 --> 00:18:36,073 But I would've understood. 433 00:18:36,073 --> 00:18:38,784 You're an amazing man. 434 00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:44,832 And I want to be stacked on top of you in Blansky's cemetery. 435 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:46,834 [ Both chuckle ] 436 00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:51,380 [ Door slams ] 437 00:18:52,757 --> 00:18:54,300 Where have you been? 438 00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,468 [ Voice breaking ] I had to stop driving 439 00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,219 because I was so angry. 440 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,847 I am never going back to that church again. 441 00:18:59,847 --> 00:19:01,223 Why did you run out? 442 00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,018 Because Mom wrote this... 443 00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:08,564 "Dear God, please take away 444 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,150 this pain from my knees and my back. 445 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,027 I can't bear it anymore ‐‐" 446 00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:17,156 Here. 447 00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,867 "I keep turning to the pills, 448 00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:22,953 but this is me turning to you instead. 449 00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:25,498 Please help me. 450 00:19:25,498 --> 00:19:27,500 I have to keep working. 451 00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,294 And if you could just do this one thing, 452 00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,254 I will honor you forever." 453 00:19:32,254 --> 00:19:34,090 [ Voice breaking ] She sounds so desperate. 454 00:19:37,468 --> 00:19:41,722 "And if you could give Dan a 300 game in bowling, 455 00:19:41,722 --> 00:19:45,309 I'll stop stealing clothes from the church donation box." 456 00:19:47,144 --> 00:19:48,354 She knew that something bad was coming, 457 00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:53,567 and she begged God for help and he let her overdose. 458 00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,237 How am I supposed to count on a God that would do that? 459 00:19:56,237 --> 00:19:58,364 That's not how God works. 460 00:19:58,364 --> 00:20:02,368 It's not like you rub a lamp and get a wish. 461 00:20:02,368 --> 00:20:04,495 Your mom wouldn't want you to give up. 462 00:20:04,495 --> 00:20:06,664 You'll find something that works for you. 463 00:20:06,664 --> 00:20:08,374 No, I'm not gonna give up. 464 00:20:08,374 --> 00:20:10,167 I mean, I can't keep living this way. 465 00:20:10,167 --> 00:20:11,627 [ Sighs ] I need answers. 466 00:20:11,627 --> 00:20:13,671 You know, I just don't know where to look. 467 00:20:13,671 --> 00:20:16,841 Maybe something closer to your nature. 468 00:20:16,841 --> 00:20:18,259 Uh, how about voodoo? 469 00:20:18,259 --> 00:20:20,052 No. 470 00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,721 I tried that on a bunch of boyfriends. 471 00:20:21,721 --> 00:20:23,556 That doesn't work. 472 00:20:23,556 --> 00:20:27,476 I stuck a pin in Doug Jensen's doll junk. 473 00:20:27,476 --> 00:20:29,395 He still had eight kids. 474 00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:33,607 You'll find something that'll work for you. 475 00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,152 I know I will. 476 00:20:36,152 --> 00:20:38,404 You're gonna go look right now? 477 00:20:38,404 --> 00:20:39,905 Oh, no. 478 00:20:39,905 --> 00:20:43,242 I'm gonna go back to that church and clean out the donation bin, 479 00:20:43,242 --> 00:20:44,952 'cause Mom would want it that way. 480 00:20:44,952 --> 00:20:47,121 [ Both chuckle ] 481 00:20:50,166 --> 00:20:52,543 I just don't want to come off as uncool and dumb. 482 00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,503 I feel that way too in my new school, but it's online. 483 00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:56,714 You can hide and just listen and take notes. 484 00:20:56,714 --> 00:20:58,924 You know, we'll log you in, and we won't turn on your camera. 485 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,010 You're right. 486 00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:04,555 I can just ease my way in. 487 00:21:04,555 --> 00:21:07,391 Let's do this. 488 00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:09,059 Becky's here! 489 00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,730 Uh, hi. 490 00:21:12,730 --> 00:21:15,399 I have a joke. 491 00:21:15,399 --> 00:21:17,401 A statistician tried to cross a river 492 00:21:17,401 --> 00:21:19,570 that was one meter deep on average. 493 00:21:19,570 --> 00:21:23,115 And he drowned. 494 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:24,492 Ding‐dong.