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We're not gonna find any change.
We haven't had anybody over in months.
If we do find something,
we're just taking it from each other.
That's like robbing Peter to pay Peter.
We all know Peter's broke.
Why do these things have zippers?
I guess you're supposed to take the pillow out
and wash the cover.
- Oh! - Oh!
Well, we haven't done it in 32 years.
If we wash them now, all that'll be left is the zipper.
Hey, guys. We can't stay long.
We just got our test results in. We're COVID-negative.
Just came back. Got to clean up a little,
charge our phones, and get back to the protest.
I thought you couldn't go because you had to go to work.
I'm only going on my days off.
Hey, all. I'm Josh.
No, no. Don't make a speech.
Hey! Don't rush off.
Let your guest sit on the couch.
Who's that guy?
I think I saw him when I went down there to talk to Harris,
but I'm not sure what's going on.
Something must be going on, 'cause if I'm not mistaken,
he's the first guy she's brought home, right?
Well, I'm sure it's just a friend.
You don't bring a boyfriend over here
unless it's a ritual sacrifice of some kind.
Oh, hey.
Do you know anything about this Josh guy
that Harris brought home?
I've seen him on her Instagram.
She was spray painting something on a building,
and he was holding her cans.
I love you 'cause you don't know what that means.
The sink is backing up.
That means they're taking a shower together.
Oh, I doubt that.
She's only known him for a couple days.
At their age, a couple days is all you need
to start soaping each other up.
Uh, Mark, can you give us a minute?
Yeah, good idea. Otherwise I might figure out
what "soaping each other up" means.
Grow up, Nana.
Josh is a boyfriend.
Well, all right, well, if he is, I need to know way more about him.
Oh, I know all about Josh's type.
Lots of hair, lots of lies.
Not necessarily.
I've dated a lot of bald liars.
Some of them lied about having hair.
I'm just saying there is a right way to do this.
First you tell the mom how young she looks.
Then you wait until everybody goes to sleep,
then you sneak to the backyard
and have sex behind the chicken coop.
A little respect... that's all I'm asking for here.
She's 18, Darlene.
It's not the end of the world if Harris has shower sex.
You better hope that's all they're doing up there.
What do you think they're doing that's worse than sex?
I'm not getting into it with you squares.
Hey. I'm Darlene, Harris' mom.
Oh, you're Harris' mom? You look so young.
Oh. I'm not the type that needs that kind of thing, but thanks.
Okay if I grab a couple sodas, Darlene?
Oh, sure, Josh. I just put some in the fridge.
And, you know, while you're in there,
why don't you hang out with Harris' aunts?
They're super curious and fun to talk to.
Sure.
Hey.
So, uh, sit down a minute, Josh.
That was a quick shower.
Yeah, Harris wanted to take hers,
and I'm just grabbing her a soda.
Separate showers... noted.
Squares.
Oh, you may want to fix your water pressure, by the way.
It's somewhere in between a trickle and a leak.
So we're to take from that that at your house,
you have great water pressure?
Good to know.
So, your house with good water pressure,
uh, you live there alone, with a roommate, or...
maybe a wife?
Yeah, I'm not married.
So you're living with your girlfriend.
I'm sorry... boyfriend.
Uh, I live with my folks, and it's strictly platonic.
Good. So... you and Harris.
Camping out at the protest together.
Are you together-together,
or is this one of these, uh,
"everybody's lovin' everybody" deals?
And that's not a judgment.
She's a freak.
You know, we're really not into labels.
We're just hanging. I think Harris is great.
And she's got this aura of positivity and light around her.
Yeah.
After a couple weed gummies.
That's not a judgment, either. She's an alcoholic.
Harris really wanted her soda.
What'd you guys find out?
Did you just walk around the house?
He's not married, he and Harris are definitely a thing,
although they're not labeling it,
and he and his folks have great water pressure at home.
Oh, my God. And they're a thing?
This is it.
This is Harris' first real boyfriend.
What are you so worried about?
- Let's see where this goes. - We know where this goes.
You Conner girls always marry the first guys you bring home.
Roseanne did, you did, and so did you.
No, that was a little different.
We didn't have a lot of options.
We were living in a run-down, crowded house
and we were trying desperately
to get the hell away from our family.
Okay, we really got to find out about this guy.
3x08 Young Love, Old Lions and Middle-Aged Hyenas
Hey. What, you gonna build something?
Yeah, I really need a closet in the basement.
Uh, you know a closet is basically a square, right?
'Cause that looks like an optical illusion of some sort.
Clearly I breastfed so long today,
the baby sucked out all my brains.
Well, hey, I'd love a project.
Shopping for other people's groceries
isn't as fulfilling as it sounds.
Why don't you let me help you build the thing?
Oh, that's sweet, Ben,
but these aren't the hands of a carpenter.
These are the baby-soft hands
of a man who picks out other people's toilet paper.
Oh-kay. I grew up in my dad's hardware store, okay?
I can do something simple like a closet.
Come on. Let's go down to the basement,
and we'll get the right measurements.
Okay, but don't tell my dad.
The poor guy feels like he has to do everything around here,
so I wanted to surprise him by having it done already.
I've always felt bad that he wanted sons
and he had me, Darlene, and DJ.
How are we gonna keep your dad from seeing it?
Doesn't he go down there once in a while?
Oh, nah. His knees are shot.
Uh, the stairs are like a vertical moat.
I'm so sorry, guys.
I got caught up at work.
Wow. This looks great, Dad.
So, Josh, love your mother, hate your mother?
That is so funny.
Josh's parents wanted to know the exact same thing about me.
Boy, that was a tough moment.
Wow. So you, uh... you met Josh's parents already?
Oh, yeah, just on the phone.
Josh was telling me all about their protest plans.
Yeah, we are ready to occupy major financial institutions
in order to make a point
about the uneven distribution of wealth.
Interesting, because if you start breaking into banks,
I think the police will enjoy the opportunity
to debate your political beliefs
with repeated nightsticks to the head.
That's a chance we're willing to take.
You guys have no idea how bad
the income inequality is in this country.
I have some idea.
Would you like a jelly glass for your generic cola?
Look, I understand that you're willing
to take a chance with your own head,
but now you're talking about my daughter's head.
Mom, that's the only way to get social-media coverage.
I mean, Josh knows what he's doing.
He's gone to a million protests.
He's kind of a genius at this stuff.
Mm-hmm. If they come at us,
we're just gonna live-stream it.
I have a video of me getting hit
with a tear-gas canister in Philly.
There was blood everywhere. 30,000 views.
That's insane.
Mom, I know you're kind of nervous about this,
but don't worry.
We know what we're doing.
Should probably get going.
Gonna need this for the tear gas.
That...
That's almond milk!
This is bad.
Harris is listening to this kid,
and the only thing we know about him
is that he can't wait to get into it with the cops.
You got to go online and see if this kid's got a death wish
or is just talking like that to impress Harris.
With you and your sisters,
the only way I could get information
was by giving your boyfriends a friendly squeeze
right where the spine meets the brain stem.
But times change.
Okay, where do you want the shelf for your shoes?
One shelf? I'm not Darlene.
What the hell's going on here?
He made it across the moat.
- Hey, Dad. - What's that supposed to be?
Uh, a closet. It's almost done.
All it needs is a coat of paint and a door.
I asked Ben to help me.
I grew up in a hardware store.
Well, if you'd grown up in a house and gone to school,
you would've known you need masonry anchors.
There's cinderblock behind that.
You can't just join it together like this.
Well, that's one opinion,
but the way I was taught, those screws will work.
You just have to use the right-sized drill bit.
You know what? You're probably right.
I've only got 45 years in the construction business.
What do I know about building things in my own house?
It looks like you've done a great job.
What are you doing?!
That took hours!
You're so tired when you get home from work,
I thought you'd be happy you didn't have to do it.
Well, I'm not happy 'cause now I got to redo it.
Nobody does anything in this house without asking me first.
You know, that doesn't prove anything.
You know? You could do that to any closet.
Josh is full of bull. I can't even find that
"Philadelphia blood everywhere" thing he was talking about.
And, by the way, never Google that.
Keep looking.
I want to be sure that Harris is safe with him.
We checked all the records,
every one of his socialmedia accounts.
We didn't find anything weird. Give it up.
Oh, you stupid old women.
If you want to know about someone,
you don't look at what they post.
Everybody lies.
You got to look at their parents
or at their idiot friends who drunk-post.
That's where you'll get the truth.
Here's his dad.
Ohh. Whoa. Look.
T-That's his house.
Doesn't look very big, but it's really nice.
That's not a house. That's a yacht.
They have a yacht!
Any idea what crawled up Dad's butt?
He just went off on me.
Who cares? Look at this yacht.
Are we looking at buying one?
Because things changed a lot in the past hour.
He isn't a psychopath! He's rich!
- Who's rich? - Josh and his family.
Look.
Oh, his dad's pretty good-looking.
And his mom's got "first wife" written all over her.
I bet he's looking to trade up.
He's too old for you, Becky.
Besides, I'd actually kill that woman for him.
Let's check out his drunk friends.
Wow.
Looks like Josh didn't lie about doing a lot of protests,
but he's also been doing a lot of ladies.
Oh, yeah, look.
Here's a picture of him blocking bulldozers
in the Amazon rainforest with a hot Brazilian girl.
And here's another one three months ago
where he's protesting the Keystone Pipeline
with his arm around a girl from the Sioux Nation.
Oh, my God! This is ridiculous!
He has a girl for every cause.
This guy is just using Harris as his poverty poster girl,
and when he's done with this protest,
he's gonna dump her, and it's gonna destroy her.
I got to go down there.
Oh, poor Harris.
Making a bad choice can ruin your life.
Hey, check out if, uh, Josh's dad is an activist, too.
Yeah, see if he's into
rescuing single broke mothers from their basements
and releasing them to run free in sprawling mansions.
Dad, take a break.
You can't build my closet in one day.
If I leave this half-finished, you and the beard farmer
are just gonna go back down there
and screw things up even worse.
We were just trying to take something off your plate.
Think you know what happens
when somebody tries to take something off my plate.
I don't get it. Why did you get so angry?
Because I don't want Ben doing stuff for me
'cause you think I'm too old to do it myself.
I didn't say old. I said "tired."
I know what you meant.
I don't like seeing you
working yourself to death to prove a point!
Instead of being out here,
you should be on the couch with Louise having a beer
or... or working on your bike having a beer or...
having a beer and planning your next beer.
Or having a bunch of beers
and building a closet to see how it turns out.
Oh. Beer.
Harris?
Mom. What do you want?
Listen, I found some stuff out about Josh on the Internet
that I think you need to know.
You looked him up? That is really creepy.
No, it wasn't me. It was Jackie and Becky.
With a technical assist from Mark.
Did you know that Josh is rich?
Shh!
Yes, I know that his parents have money.
So what? He's more committed than anyone here.
Yeah, of course he is, because if he gets arrested,
then Daddy, accompanied by his new girlfriend, Jackie or Becky,
bails him out and wipes his record clean.
If you get arrested, you're on your own.
What are you talking about? Of course he would help me.
I'm his girlfriend.
All right.
Here's the thing.
Josh has a different girl for every cause, all right?
So this is about class struggle,
so you're the poor white girl that gives him street cred.
Wow. You are so messed up.
I don't care that he had other girlfriends.
You're just trying to dig stuff up
because you don't think a guy like Josh could like me for me.
No, I just want you to know who Josh really is.
I don't want you to get your heart broken.
Well, how do you know he's gonna break my heart?
Maybe I'll break his heart.
Yeah, that doesn't happen for us.
We're done talking.
Wait. Harris.
You have no idea how bad this can hurt.
Yeah, you're right.
I have no idea about a lot of things
because you're always hovering around me trying to protect me.
Just leave me alone and let me feel things.
You don't have anything to teach me.
I mean, you screwed up your entire life.
I don't want to be anything like you.
So just go home, smother Mark,
and know that I don't need you anymore.
Wow.
Uh, okay.
You know what? I hope you have a wonderful life with Josh.
I hope that you guys get married,
and I hope you have a beautiful baby
that kicks you in the heart just like you just did to me.
And you know what? If you don't get married,
at least let Richie Rich knock you up.
You think of your family for once!
Okay, I know what's going on with my dad.
Oh, yeah? Oh, so what's buggin' "Old man wall anchors"?
He's getting older and he doesn't want to be replaced.
Ah.
And then you come in here with your hardware store
and your marshmallowy hands...
...and you're a threat.
But I know how to fix it.
Just go tell him you suck at building things.
But I don't suck at building things.
I know that.
You just need to admit you need his help.
But I don't need his help.
I know that!
You and I both know that's not true.
I mean, you're great at pretty much everything.
Oh.
You're amazing.
Stop.
But you know the male ego.
You got to tell 'em what they want to hear,
and they'll do whatever you want.
Right.
I know.
Some guys, right?
Yeah.
I just thought I'd tighten that up
before I got back to the closet.
Wow! Well, this is fantastic.
Okay, now that I see what you've done here,
I think you were right about
how to connect the frame to the wall.
It's not just about connecting the walls, Junior.
I-It's about the kind of materials you're using,
- the hardware. - Right.
Although, I-I think that is the hardware that many people use,
and there's nothing wrong with the materials I chose,
but that's not the point.
The point is that...
...I really should've realized with all of your experience
that I should've consulted you on this.
Damn right. If you'd have come to me,
you wouldn't have made so many mistakes.
Eh, well, again,
I don't know if I'd call 'em mistakes so much as choices,
but, look, I'd really like to work with you,
you know, maybe even learn at your feet.
- Don't patronize me. - No.
- I'm not an idiot. - Come on.
Look, I'm... I'm not trying to replace you, man.
I couldn't possibly.
You know a hundred times more than I ever could.
And, look, this is your house,
so if you want to keep doing everything around here
after a hard day's work, then that's your call.
You're damn right it is.
You know what? Maybe I did overreact.
It's just I've always been
the lion at the head of the pride around here.
And you start doing stuff I'm supposed to be doing,
and suddenly there's a hyena in the pack.
Wait. Wouldn't I just be the... the young lion
if you're the old lion?
Why do I have to be the hyena?
You just are.
Here's what we're gonna do.
From now on, I'm gonna try to let you do most of the work,
and I'll supervise.
I'll be the old lion laying out in the sun eating the antelope.
Well, that's a way.
But I was thinking that we could work together,
and, that way, we both win.
No. I'm gonna let you win.
I'm gonna go ahead and finish the closet,
and I'm gonna let you do
the thing I don't trust anybody else to do.
The roof.
It's kind of bitter cold and the roof is slippery.
You don't have to say that to make me feel better.
I've made my peace with this.
Ah, let's see.
Grab yourself a ladder, bucket of sealer,
and a rope to tie yourself around the chimney.
And fix the roof.
It's pitch black. You want me to go and do it right now?
Oh, gosh, no!
Make yourself a sandwich first.
You could take it up there with you.
How'd it go? Is she gonna get rid of that guy?
Nope. Total fail.
She's gonna hand him her heart on a platter
and let him eat it with his silver spoon.
And she basically told me that she's got no use for me anymore.
I'm keeping her from living her life,
and she wants to feel her feelings.
Oh, God. I remember that conversation.
We never had that conversation.
No. We had it with Becky.
You never wanted to feel anything,
and we were good with that.
God. This is so brutal, Dad.
How do I just stand by
and watch my kid walk into traffic?
She's a strong kid. She'll be okay.
Well, you know, if she thinks
she's gonna come running back to me heartbroken
so I can love her up
and tell her that everything's gonna be okay,
she's got another thing coming.
Oh, she'll definitely come running back.
You promise?
Oh, yeah.
Thanks.
Did you call Ben a hyena?
I thought he should know.
So, how are your parents?
I saw they're vacationing separately.
Stop. Can't you see you're embarrassing Josh?
He didn't come here to be grilled.
He came here to keep it real with some po' folk, right, Josh?
Hey, Harris, go grab me a little moonshine
outta the garage for your peepaw.
Sure. Don't take any crap from them.
You have a nice smile, son.
Hard to do that without a head.
If the time comes when you and my granddaughter break up,
you better treat her right.
To show you I'm not just a vengeful old guy,
I'll give you a piece of advice.
Keep those two out of your house.
They're after your father.