1
00:00:03,941 --> 00:00:06,043
It's early assembly
day, and we all forgot.
2
00:00:06,044 --> 00:00:07,077
We're gonna be late.
3
00:00:07,078 --> 00:00:09,380
I have to be on time!
I'm the first one to sing!
4
00:00:09,381 --> 00:00:11,198
- Ah, crap.
- They haven't had breakfast yet.
5
00:00:11,199 --> 00:00:12,268
You know what? I remember a trick
6
00:00:12,269 --> 00:00:13,850
I learned from the
bartender at the casino.
7
00:00:13,851 --> 00:00:15,553
Line up four glasses
so they're touching.
8
00:00:15,554 --> 00:00:17,887
Got it. Get her cereal, get her milk.
9
00:00:26,998 --> 00:00:29,300
Damn it, DJ! Spoons, man!
10
00:00:33,243 --> 00:00:35,009
No. No! Darlene! Darlene!
11
00:00:38,215 --> 00:00:41,216
I think we all know Mary's gonna
throw that up during her song.
12
00:00:44,388 --> 00:00:46,222
I feel terrible.
13
00:00:46,223 --> 00:00:47,556
Today's Dad's birthday,
14
00:00:47,557 --> 00:00:49,488
and I can't afford to
get him anything decent.
15
00:00:49,489 --> 00:00:51,226
It's not about spending money.
16
00:00:51,227 --> 00:00:53,395
He just wants to know
that you kids remember.
17
00:00:53,396 --> 00:00:54,596
Make him something.
18
00:00:54,597 --> 00:00:56,297
I did write him a poem.
19
00:00:58,401 --> 00:01:00,902
"An old silent dad.
20
00:01:00,903 --> 00:01:03,472
An ice-cold beer pops open.
21
00:01:03,473 --> 00:01:05,207
Gulp!
22
00:01:05,208 --> 00:01:06,740
Silence again".
23
00:01:08,344 --> 00:01:10,945
It's a haiku.
24
00:01:10,946 --> 00:01:13,448
You know... this...
25
00:01:13,449 --> 00:01:16,183
could be worse than not remembering.
26
00:01:21,461 --> 00:01:22,985
Hey. How was the meeting?
27
00:01:22,986 --> 00:01:25,154
Did you bring up that we
need a new coffee maker?
28
00:01:26,895 --> 00:01:28,096
They just fired me.
29
00:01:28,097 --> 00:01:31,064
Oh, what kind of coffee
maker you ask for?
30
00:01:33,169 --> 00:01:34,503
Oh, my God.
31
00:01:34,504 --> 00:01:35,937
You're serious.
32
00:01:35,938 --> 00:01:37,439
What happened?
33
00:01:37,440 --> 00:01:40,675
Oh, after a bunch of...
B.S. about overhead,
34
00:01:40,676 --> 00:01:43,645
it boils down to them
wanting someone cheaper.
35
00:01:43,646 --> 00:01:46,248
But you created this whole thing.
36
00:01:46,249 --> 00:01:48,250
What a bunch of
soulless corporate jerks.
37
00:01:48,251 --> 00:01:50,785
I don't want to work
for people like that.
38
00:01:50,786 --> 00:01:53,354
Do I still work for people like that?
39
00:01:53,355 --> 00:01:55,523
Don't worry. You're safe.
40
00:01:55,524 --> 00:01:58,091
And I get why you'd want
to stay. You got kids.
41
00:01:58,092 --> 00:01:59,226
Yeah. Thanks.
42
00:01:59,227 --> 00:02:01,495
Actually, they said they
were gonna make you an offer
43
00:02:01,496 --> 00:02:02,829
to run the place.
44
00:02:02,830 --> 00:02:03,855
Run the place?
45
00:02:03,856 --> 00:02:05,246
Now they want me to replace the man
46
00:02:05,247 --> 00:02:07,635
that gave me this opportunity
in the first place?
47
00:02:07,636 --> 00:02:10,037
What, they think they can
just wave money in front of me
48
00:02:10,038 --> 00:02:11,872
and I'll sell my soul?
49
00:02:11,873 --> 00:02:14,241
Just for kicks, did they say
how much they were gonna wave?
50
00:02:15,377 --> 00:02:18,912
Pull yourself together.
I'm gonna be fine.
51
00:02:18,913 --> 00:02:21,382
Well, I-I'm so sorry.
52
00:02:21,383 --> 00:02:23,984
I can't imagine what you
must be feeling right now.
53
00:02:23,985 --> 00:02:26,387
Pretty much what you're
gonna feel in a minute.
54
00:02:26,388 --> 00:02:29,122
Uh, they told me that they were
sure you would take the job
55
00:02:29,123 --> 00:02:31,158
for half of what I was making.
56
00:02:31,159 --> 00:02:33,184
Half?!
57
00:02:33,185 --> 00:02:35,462
That's so insulting.
58
00:02:35,463 --> 00:02:38,098
I mean, I didn't think I was
gonna break the glass ceiling,
59
00:02:38,099 --> 00:02:39,733
but I'd like to be able
to stand on a chair,
60
00:02:39,734 --> 00:02:42,369
reach up, and touch it.
61
00:02:42,370 --> 00:02:44,905
Well, if it helps...
62
00:02:46,441 --> 00:02:49,113
... you can tell them that
I think you're worth more.
63
00:02:49,114 --> 00:02:51,565
Ah. That's really sweet,
but they hate you.
64
00:02:52,513 --> 00:02:54,914
Smart thing to do now is to trash you
65
00:02:54,915 --> 00:02:56,349
and use your body like a trampoline
66
00:02:56,350 --> 00:02:59,085
to bounce up the corporate ladder.
67
00:02:59,086 --> 00:03:01,086
You've changed since
you've been in charge.
68
00:03:03,790 --> 00:03:06,759
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -
69
00:03:40,127 --> 00:03:41,127
"The Conners" is filmed
70
00:03:41,128 --> 00:03:43,429
in front of a live studio audience.
71
00:03:43,430 --> 00:03:44,731
Hey, everybody.
72
00:03:44,732 --> 00:03:47,032
Uh, looks like some local vandals
73
00:03:47,033 --> 00:03:49,101
got into your sign out there.
74
00:03:49,102 --> 00:03:52,437
The Lunch Box is now "The Munch Box".
75
00:03:52,438 --> 00:03:55,307
Dwight, can you give me a
hand changing the letters back?
76
00:03:55,308 --> 00:03:57,609
I'll do it, but it won't
be the last time.
77
00:03:57,610 --> 00:04:00,112
Wolfgang Puck has been
changing that back to a "P"
78
00:04:00,113 --> 00:04:01,212
for years.
79
00:04:02,904 --> 00:04:04,805
I have a little surprise for you.
80
00:04:04,806 --> 00:04:07,174
Who told you it was my birthday?
81
00:04:07,175 --> 00:04:09,143
It's your birthday?
82
00:04:09,144 --> 00:04:11,112
Happy birthday.
83
00:04:11,113 --> 00:04:13,680
Luckily, I brought you a present.
84
00:04:15,283 --> 00:04:16,316
Is it a car?
85
00:04:18,153 --> 00:04:20,855
So, uh, what's the family
gonna do for your birthday?
86
00:04:20,856 --> 00:04:21,922
Nothing, I hope.
87
00:04:21,923 --> 00:04:25,026
My idea of a perfect
birthday is sing the song,
88
00:04:25,027 --> 00:04:27,962
give me the beaded car
seat cover, then go away.
89
00:04:27,963 --> 00:04:29,030
Ohh.
90
00:04:29,031 --> 00:04:31,365
Underneath that cold exterior,
91
00:04:31,366 --> 00:04:32,466
just more rocks.
92
00:04:33,669 --> 00:04:35,970
Hey, Louise brought sammiches.
93
00:04:35,971 --> 00:04:37,972
Yeah. And the bread is gluten-free.
94
00:04:37,973 --> 00:04:40,373
I thought that might
help Dan's joint pain.
95
00:04:40,374 --> 00:04:43,476
Pass. Based on all the
gluten-free things I've tried,
96
00:04:43,477 --> 00:04:46,112
gluten is where they keep the taste.
97
00:04:46,113 --> 00:04:47,747
That's really sweet of you, Louise,
98
00:04:47,748 --> 00:04:49,949
but I don't think that Dan
has a gluten problem.
99
00:04:49,950 --> 00:04:52,418
Roseanne cooked him everything
he wanted, and he was fine.
100
00:04:52,419 --> 00:04:54,020
Roseanne was a hell of a cook.
101
00:04:54,021 --> 00:04:57,557
You ever come here when
this was Roseanne's place?
102
00:04:57,558 --> 00:05:01,061
No, but I hear it was very popular.
103
00:05:01,062 --> 00:05:04,397
Back then, I was pretty much
always on the road with my band.
104
00:05:04,398 --> 00:05:07,433
Yeah, Roseanne never went
on the road with a band.
105
00:05:07,434 --> 00:05:09,268
She stayed home and raised a family
106
00:05:09,269 --> 00:05:12,505
with the love of her
life... this guy right here.
107
00:05:12,506 --> 00:05:14,373
Married 45 years.
108
00:05:14,374 --> 00:05:16,474
A marriage built on gluten.
109
00:05:18,212 --> 00:05:19,645
Jackie...
110
00:05:19,646 --> 00:05:21,214
could you go make sure
111
00:05:21,215 --> 00:05:23,249
that Dwight is wearing
his safety goggles?
112
00:05:23,250 --> 00:05:26,652
If he hurts himself, I got
to dump him on a union job.
113
00:05:26,653 --> 00:05:29,189
I get it. You want to be alone.
114
00:05:29,190 --> 00:05:30,423
Well, you're not alone.
115
00:05:30,424 --> 00:05:32,424
You're with everybody
she's ever been with.
116
00:05:37,631 --> 00:05:41,367
Why don't you stand up for
me when she does this stuff?
117
00:05:41,368 --> 00:05:44,803
Look, Jackie's going through
a really tough time right now.
118
00:05:44,804 --> 00:05:45,871
She's fragile.
119
00:05:45,872 --> 00:05:47,440
How fragile is she?
120
00:05:47,441 --> 00:05:48,574
At Thanksgiving,
121
00:05:48,575 --> 00:05:52,311
I watched her bitchslap
the bejeezus out of Darlene.
122
00:05:52,312 --> 00:05:54,046
I know it's impossible,
123
00:05:54,047 --> 00:05:55,881
but if you could just ignore her...
124
00:05:55,882 --> 00:05:59,252
She gonna be at your
tree-decorating thing tonight?
125
00:05:59,253 --> 00:06:01,420
'Cause if she is, I'm not coming.
126
00:06:01,421 --> 00:06:02,722
Come on, Louise.
127
00:06:02,723 --> 00:06:03,723
Mnh-mnh.
128
00:06:05,525 --> 00:06:08,394
Dan, my bathroom time is my time.
129
00:06:08,395 --> 00:06:10,662
You either talk to Jackie
or put a lock on the door.
130
00:06:14,501 --> 00:06:15,901
Darlene Conner?
131
00:06:15,902 --> 00:06:17,836
Yep. Can I help you?
132
00:06:17,837 --> 00:06:21,106
Carrie Langham, CEO of
American Consumer Magazines.
133
00:06:21,107 --> 00:06:23,909
Oh, wow. I was gonna come to you.
134
00:06:23,910 --> 00:06:26,211
I didn't expect the big
boss to come to me.
135
00:06:26,212 --> 00:06:27,245
I couldn't wait.
136
00:06:27,246 --> 00:06:29,447
I'm so excited to have a female
publisher at Lock 'Em Up.
137
00:06:29,448 --> 00:06:31,416
Oh, I'm so glad to hear that.
138
00:06:31,417 --> 00:06:33,385
Yeah, I get off so much
on empowering women,
139
00:06:33,386 --> 00:06:35,387
I have no use for my husband anymore.
140
00:06:37,824 --> 00:06:39,758
Yeah. It's like an appendix.
141
00:06:39,759 --> 00:06:41,999
No one knows what they do,
and you can live without them.
142
00:06:44,998 --> 00:06:47,166
While we're laughing,
143
00:06:47,167 --> 00:06:49,367
I heard something ridiculous.
144
00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:51,970
I was told that I'd be getting 50%
145
00:06:51,971 --> 00:06:54,673
of what the previous
publisher, a man, was getting.
146
00:06:54,674 --> 00:06:55,841
I like that.
147
00:06:55,842 --> 00:06:58,443
Women have to fight to be
treated equally in this world.
148
00:06:58,444 --> 00:07:00,478
It's the only way we get what we want.
149
00:07:00,479 --> 00:07:01,513
Right?
150
00:07:01,514 --> 00:07:03,948
But you're not getting
what you want today.
151
00:07:03,949 --> 00:07:06,117
Oh, yeah. Uh, tomorrow's fine.
152
00:07:06,118 --> 00:07:08,186
I figured there'd be paperwork.
153
00:07:08,187 --> 00:07:11,356
No, that number you heard
is as high as I'll go.
154
00:07:11,357 --> 00:07:12,724
Uh, excuse me?
155
00:07:12,725 --> 00:07:15,460
Uh, you said that empowering
women gets you off?
156
00:07:15,461 --> 00:07:16,860
I want to get you off.
157
00:07:18,798 --> 00:07:21,466
Look, we're moving you up
from copy editor to publisher.
158
00:07:21,467 --> 00:07:24,035
I thought you'd appreciate
a promotion like that.
159
00:07:24,036 --> 00:07:26,037
Well, if I get promoted one more time,
160
00:07:26,038 --> 00:07:27,839
I'll be volunteering here.
161
00:07:27,840 --> 00:07:31,042
Look, you're either gonna pay
me what's fair or I'm walking.
162
00:07:31,043 --> 00:07:33,211
I got five people in line for your job.
163
00:07:33,212 --> 00:07:34,212
You're fired.
164
00:07:34,213 --> 00:07:35,546
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
165
00:07:35,547 --> 00:07:37,381
I was just doing that
whole fighting thing
166
00:07:37,382 --> 00:07:38,549
'cause you said you liked it.
167
00:07:38,550 --> 00:07:41,484
People grow, people change,
and I don't like it anymore.
168
00:07:42,821 --> 00:07:45,120
Women are so complicated, aren't we?
169
00:07:52,703 --> 00:07:54,648
Remember, run the cord to
the neighbor's house
170
00:07:54,649 --> 00:07:57,316
and plug it in the side,
hide it in the snow.
171
00:07:59,053 --> 00:08:00,153
Hey.
172
00:08:00,154 --> 00:08:02,288
Check it out, Darlene.
Good ol' Smokey the Penguin.
173
00:08:02,289 --> 00:08:03,356
Ohh.
174
00:08:03,357 --> 00:08:06,259
"Santa says a carton
makes a great gift".
175
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:07,360
Great.
176
00:08:07,361 --> 00:08:08,805
Crap. Mary got caught.
177
00:08:08,806 --> 00:08:10,639
She's just a kid! She didn't know!
178
00:08:13,543 --> 00:08:15,543
Hey, Smokey.
179
00:08:17,114 --> 00:08:20,316
So... I lost my job today.
180
00:08:20,317 --> 00:08:22,919
Can't support my kids.
181
00:08:22,920 --> 00:08:24,087
Clearly, I'm freaking out.
182
00:08:24,088 --> 00:08:26,622
I mean, I'm talking
to a plastic penguin.
183
00:08:26,623 --> 00:08:28,224
- Hey, Darlene.
- Hey.
184
00:08:28,225 --> 00:08:29,659
- Hey, Becky.
- Oh, hey, Aunt Becky.
185
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:31,194
Hey, guys!
186
00:08:31,195 --> 00:08:33,229
Does everyone have
their Santa suits ready
187
00:08:33,230 --> 00:08:35,198
for our pictures with the mall Santa?
188
00:08:35,199 --> 00:08:37,867
I still don't understand
why we dress up like Santa
189
00:08:37,868 --> 00:08:39,102
to go see Santa.
190
00:08:39,103 --> 00:08:40,169
Think about it.
191
00:08:40,170 --> 00:08:43,572
They see Santa sitting on Santa's lap
192
00:08:43,573 --> 00:08:46,308
asking for presents from Santa.
193
00:08:53,183 --> 00:08:55,217
Since you finally have a good job,
194
00:08:55,218 --> 00:08:57,320
can we get good
stuff instead of something
195
00:08:57,321 --> 00:09:01,156
from the "As Seen on TV"
aisle at the drugstore?
196
00:09:01,157 --> 00:09:03,091
Oh, Mark.
197
00:09:03,092 --> 00:09:05,127
Christmas is not about gifts.
198
00:09:05,128 --> 00:09:06,861
It's about what's in your heart.
199
00:09:08,532 --> 00:09:11,165
They're screwing us again, Mary!
200
00:09:13,737 --> 00:09:14,970
More decorations?
201
00:09:14,971 --> 00:09:18,307
Yeah! Nobody was even guarding
the tree in the town square.
202
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:20,007
I got all kind of stuff.
203
00:09:21,378 --> 00:09:23,078
Look, I need to talk to you.
204
00:09:23,079 --> 00:09:25,280
Tomorrow is "Santa on
Santa Action Night".
205
00:09:25,281 --> 00:09:28,116
I know! I'm so excited!
206
00:09:28,117 --> 00:09:31,019
I got a new whoopee cushion
sewn into my Santa pants
207
00:09:31,020 --> 00:09:32,254
for when I sit on his lap.
208
00:09:32,255 --> 00:09:35,089
I'm gonna blame it on
Santa. It'll kill the kids!
209
00:09:37,026 --> 00:09:40,161
Here's the deal... since you
can't get along with Louise...
210
00:09:41,297 --> 00:09:43,899
... you have Christmas Eve
and she has Santa on Santa.
211
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:44,933
What?!
212
00:09:44,934 --> 00:09:46,368
Santa on Santa is important to me.
213
00:09:46,369 --> 00:09:47,802
It means nothing to her.
214
00:09:47,803 --> 00:09:51,973
I put my Santa picture
on my Match profile!
215
00:09:51,974 --> 00:09:54,308
Look, Louise is my friend.
216
00:09:54,309 --> 00:09:55,677
I want to be able to see her
217
00:09:55,678 --> 00:09:57,278
without you attacking her all the time.
218
00:09:57,279 --> 00:09:59,748
So, I'm being replaced.
219
00:09:59,749 --> 00:10:01,215
It's like this nativity scene,
220
00:10:01,216 --> 00:10:05,319
when you replaced the baby
Jesus with a Polly Pocket!
221
00:10:05,320 --> 00:10:06,654
Come on, Jackie!
222
00:10:06,655 --> 00:10:08,255
A Polly Pocket!
223
00:10:13,729 --> 00:10:15,997
Okay, now that everybody's here...
224
00:10:15,998 --> 00:10:18,266
Dad...
225
00:10:18,267 --> 00:10:20,446
I feel really bad because
I couldn't be a part
226
00:10:20,447 --> 00:10:22,081
of whatever everybody was planning
227
00:10:22,082 --> 00:10:23,448
for your birthday this year.
228
00:10:25,753 --> 00:10:28,053
You know, because of the baby and all.
229
00:10:28,789 --> 00:10:30,524
But I put a lot of thought
230
00:10:30,525 --> 00:10:33,259
into this really cute
picture of Beverly Rose
231
00:10:33,260 --> 00:10:35,094
that I taped on a beer koozie.
232
00:10:35,095 --> 00:10:36,795
Ohh!
233
00:10:36,796 --> 00:10:38,797
Happy birthday.
234
00:10:38,798 --> 00:10:40,933
You deserve a lot more than this.
235
00:10:40,934 --> 00:10:42,467
Thank you, sweetheart.
236
00:10:44,304 --> 00:10:47,473
I'm a little surprised you
don't know me better than this.
237
00:10:47,474 --> 00:10:50,075
As if I'd ever let a beer get warm.
238
00:10:52,279 --> 00:10:54,261
- Okay, who's next?
- Come on.
239
00:10:54,262 --> 00:10:56,682
Yell "Surprise" so we can
get this over with and eat.
240
00:10:56,683 --> 00:10:58,650
Surprise! We forgot your birthday.
241
00:11:00,521 --> 00:11:02,047
We're so sorry, Dad.
242
00:11:02,048 --> 00:11:04,123
Mom always gave us a
heads-up the day before.
243
00:11:04,124 --> 00:11:05,191
It's fine.
244
00:11:05,192 --> 00:11:07,293
No, I promise we will make it up to you.
245
00:11:07,294 --> 00:11:09,762
It's not a big deal.
246
00:11:09,763 --> 00:11:11,897
I'm gonna run out to the garage
247
00:11:11,898 --> 00:11:13,932
and grab a beer for my new beer koozie.
248
00:11:15,001 --> 00:11:17,403
I have to go to the
bathroom. I'll be right back.
249
00:11:17,404 --> 00:11:18,438
Oh, no, you don't.
250
00:11:18,439 --> 00:11:20,564
You're not gonna run off and
make a card like you remembered.
251
00:11:20,565 --> 00:11:23,059
You're gonna sit here and feel
guilty, like the rest of us.
252
00:11:26,046 --> 00:11:29,147
So, you were a bad daughter
253
00:11:29,148 --> 00:11:33,217
and you were only a
publisher for two hours?
254
00:11:35,589 --> 00:11:37,923
Well, personally, I'm glad
we're not dating anymore
255
00:11:37,924 --> 00:11:40,058
'cause you're kind of a dumpster fire.
256
00:11:41,761 --> 00:11:44,763
Well, since we're not working together
257
00:11:44,764 --> 00:11:46,966
and we're not going out,
258
00:11:46,967 --> 00:11:49,334
I guess I got no reason
to come back to Chicago
259
00:11:49,335 --> 00:11:52,270
and you got no reason
to come back to Lanford.
260
00:11:52,271 --> 00:11:53,538
Oh, wow.
261
00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:55,641
Yeah, I guess you're right.
262
00:11:55,642 --> 00:11:57,309
Hm.
263
00:11:57,310 --> 00:12:00,012
Well, I gotta say...
264
00:12:00,013 --> 00:12:02,514
I really enjoyed working with you.
265
00:12:02,515 --> 00:12:04,817
Aww. And I really enjoyed
working with you.
266
00:12:04,818 --> 00:12:06,651
Mm.
267
00:12:06,652 --> 00:12:09,287
You're annoying, but...
268
00:12:09,288 --> 00:12:10,954
incredibly smart.
269
00:12:12,525 --> 00:12:15,227
Oh. Well, you're smart
but incredibly annoying.
270
00:12:15,228 --> 00:12:16,294
Eyy!
271
00:12:17,530 --> 00:12:20,499
And you were my first sex on a desk.
272
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:23,701
Oh, and you were my best sex on a desk.
273
00:12:23,702 --> 00:12:24,901
Hey!
274
00:12:26,439 --> 00:12:28,940
Well, you know what? I tell you what.
275
00:12:28,941 --> 00:12:30,108
I'm gonna say...
276
00:12:30,109 --> 00:12:33,178
I'm gonna say best sex
on any office furniture.
277
00:12:33,179 --> 00:12:34,745
Ooh, wow!
278
00:12:36,849 --> 00:12:37,915
Ahh.
279
00:12:39,585 --> 00:12:43,087
It is gonna be weird
not to see you every day.
280
00:12:43,088 --> 00:12:44,756
I mean, I tell you everything.
281
00:12:44,757 --> 00:12:46,858
Who else is gonna
listen to all that stuff?
282
00:12:46,859 --> 00:12:48,759
Yeah.
283
00:12:48,760 --> 00:12:52,095
Kind of looked forward to
listening to that stuff.
284
00:12:52,096 --> 00:12:54,430
I'm gonna miss you.
285
00:12:56,334 --> 00:12:57,967
I'm gonna miss you, too.
286
00:13:05,544 --> 00:13:07,511
Mm, mm. Hold on.
287
00:13:07,512 --> 00:13:09,046
Um...
288
00:13:09,047 --> 00:13:13,551
We're both drunk and sad
and just looking for comfort.
289
00:13:13,552 --> 00:13:14,785
Going back to your place
290
00:13:14,786 --> 00:13:16,953
or just going to the bathroom
here in the bar to have sex
291
00:13:16,954 --> 00:13:18,789
is a terrible idea.
292
00:13:19,857 --> 00:13:23,360
Well, how about I just
meet you on the floor
293
00:13:23,361 --> 00:13:25,329
after I fall off this stool?
294
00:13:25,330 --> 00:13:27,363
- Whoa!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
295
00:13:28,432 --> 00:13:29,632
Yeah, one more.
296
00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:30,701
No, no, no.
297
00:13:35,157 --> 00:13:37,586
Uh, I need to talk to you.
298
00:13:37,587 --> 00:13:39,920
I only talk to people who buy something.
299
00:13:39,921 --> 00:13:41,421
I'll have two olives.
300
00:13:43,157 --> 00:13:45,375
Dan thinks that you and I can't be
301
00:13:45,376 --> 00:13:46,955
in the same place at the same time
302
00:13:46,956 --> 00:13:48,823
because you're always attacking me.
303
00:13:50,527 --> 00:13:51,727
What?
304
00:13:51,728 --> 00:13:53,147
Are you out of your mind?
305
00:13:53,148 --> 00:13:56,283
See, this is what we've
got to work past!
306
00:13:56,284 --> 00:13:58,052
We have got to get along
307
00:13:58,053 --> 00:14:00,321
because I'm getting cut
out of family events.
308
00:14:00,322 --> 00:14:02,156
So, normally, I would
come in here and charm you,
309
00:14:02,157 --> 00:14:03,824
but Santa on Santa is tomorrow,
310
00:14:03,825 --> 00:14:05,993
so say I'm your friend, and
I'll go back and tell Dan.
311
00:14:05,994 --> 00:14:07,028
No!
312
00:14:07,029 --> 00:14:09,263
Do not make this my issue.
313
00:14:09,264 --> 00:14:11,732
You're the one who's always
had problems with me.
314
00:14:11,733 --> 00:14:13,052
You're not that special.
315
00:14:13,053 --> 00:14:15,787
I have problems with a lot of people.
316
00:14:19,485 --> 00:14:20,485
On the house.
317
00:14:21,476 --> 00:14:22,843
Look...
318
00:14:22,844 --> 00:14:24,811
I'm not trying to take
your sister's place.
319
00:14:24,812 --> 00:14:26,514
Nobody could take my sister's place.
320
00:14:26,515 --> 00:14:28,315
I know that.
321
00:14:28,316 --> 00:14:31,384
But that doesn't change the
fact that Dan is a great guy.
322
00:14:32,387 --> 00:14:34,755
In case you didn't know,
they're hard to find.
323
00:14:34,756 --> 00:14:36,190
Oh, you think I don't know that?
324
00:14:36,191 --> 00:14:37,478
I've been single for a long time.
325
00:14:37,479 --> 00:14:40,259
I've had my share
of losers and nightmares.
326
00:14:41,195 --> 00:14:44,664
I dated a guy who lived in a tree house.
327
00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,999
You know what's worse
than a walk of shame?
328
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:50,203
Climbing down a homemade
ladder of shame
329
00:14:50,204 --> 00:14:53,772
while the neighbor kids
throw water balloons at you.
330
00:14:54,741 --> 00:14:59,011
How about a guy who
took out his glass eye
331
00:14:59,012 --> 00:15:01,247
and put it on the nightstand
332
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:03,148
and turned it to face us?
333
00:15:06,920 --> 00:15:09,721
It's like he wanted
to watch himself having sex.
334
00:15:10,491 --> 00:15:11,524
Oh.
335
00:15:11,525 --> 00:15:13,225
I would've married that guy.
336
00:15:16,697 --> 00:15:19,566
Look, I don't know
what you think is going on
337
00:15:19,567 --> 00:15:21,367
with your brother-in-law and I,
338
00:15:21,368 --> 00:15:23,403
but he asked me to take it slow,
339
00:15:23,404 --> 00:15:24,971
and we are.
340
00:15:24,972 --> 00:15:27,707
We haven't held hands,
we haven't kissed.
341
00:15:27,708 --> 00:15:28,708
Nothing.
342
00:15:28,709 --> 00:15:29,976
- Really?
- Yeah.
343
00:15:29,977 --> 00:15:31,242
And he's worth the wait.
344
00:15:32,378 --> 00:15:34,413
What is it that you think I'm after?
345
00:15:34,414 --> 00:15:36,881
His, uh... his third mortgage?
346
00:15:36,882 --> 00:15:37,916
His, uh...
347
00:15:37,917 --> 00:15:41,285
his truck with that muffler
tied on with a hanger?
348
00:15:42,888 --> 00:15:44,423
His chickens?
349
00:15:44,424 --> 00:15:46,891
Well, individually, it
doesn't sound like much,
350
00:15:46,892 --> 00:15:49,894
but when you put it together...
351
00:15:49,895 --> 00:15:52,564
Look, I-I know you're
just looking out for Dan.
352
00:15:53,603 --> 00:15:55,467
But don't you want him to have someone
353
00:15:55,468 --> 00:15:57,202
to spend the rest of his life with?
354
00:15:57,203 --> 00:15:59,738
Well, I don't want him to be alone.
355
00:15:59,739 --> 00:16:03,708
Alright, well, I promise,
if things move along,
356
00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:05,244
I'll ask you for his hand.
357
00:16:05,245 --> 00:16:07,513
I'll settle for you giving Dan a call
358
00:16:07,514 --> 00:16:10,415
and telling him you're cool
if I come to Santa on Santa.
359
00:16:10,416 --> 00:16:12,316
Yeah. I'm okay with that.
360
00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:15,053
Mm.
361
00:16:15,054 --> 00:16:16,594
You know, when you come down to it,
362
00:16:16,595 --> 00:16:18,223
Dan could do worse than you.
363
00:16:18,224 --> 00:16:20,291
There's a lot of weirdos out there.
364
00:16:22,394 --> 00:16:23,762
Yep.
365
00:16:23,763 --> 00:16:26,330
You ever had a man
ask you to diaper him?
366
00:16:26,331 --> 00:16:29,701
As a sex thing or an old man thing?
367
00:16:29,702 --> 00:16:31,368
'Cause yeah.
368
00:16:37,409 --> 00:16:39,077
Oh, you hittin' and quittin'?
369
00:16:40,546 --> 00:16:42,781
Well, I got what I need.
370
00:16:46,385 --> 00:16:49,187
Look, I got to get home
before my kids get up.
371
00:16:50,422 --> 00:16:52,356
This is really awkward.
372
00:16:52,357 --> 00:16:55,459
I don't want to assume that
last night meant something.
373
00:16:55,460 --> 00:16:57,962
Um, we were both drunk and depressed.
374
00:16:57,963 --> 00:17:01,332
Although, that's pretty
much the only sex I have.
375
00:17:01,333 --> 00:17:04,468
First of all, I prefer "making love".
376
00:17:04,469 --> 00:17:06,604
Gross!
377
00:17:06,605 --> 00:17:09,307
And second, my vote
is, we keep it going!
378
00:17:09,308 --> 00:17:10,575
Stay in bed!
379
00:17:10,576 --> 00:17:13,376
We order food and keep making the love
380
00:17:13,377 --> 00:17:15,278
until we're both 600 pounds
381
00:17:15,279 --> 00:17:18,247
and can't roll on top
of each other anymore.
382
00:17:19,550 --> 00:17:20,617
Wait.
383
00:17:20,618 --> 00:17:23,521
Are you saying that we're back together?
384
00:17:23,522 --> 00:17:24,554
Yes.
385
00:17:24,555 --> 00:17:26,090
I mean, I have no future,
386
00:17:26,091 --> 00:17:28,959
but I'd like to share that with you.
387
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:30,560
Then hell yes!
388
00:17:34,465 --> 00:17:38,602
And now, I will make-a
ze sweet love to you.
389
00:17:42,607 --> 00:17:44,141
Hey.
390
00:17:44,142 --> 00:17:46,143
Hey! What are you doing up?
391
00:17:46,144 --> 00:17:47,211
Couldn't steep.
392
00:17:47,212 --> 00:17:48,478
What you watching?
393
00:17:48,479 --> 00:17:50,781
A leg hair removal system.
394
00:17:50,782 --> 00:17:54,017
Only four left. You gotta hurry.
395
00:17:54,018 --> 00:17:57,320
Well, I am tired of snagging
perfectly good pantyhose
396
00:17:57,321 --> 00:17:58,989
on my stubble.
397
00:17:58,990 --> 00:18:00,958
You sure you're not
up because you're upset
398
00:18:00,959 --> 00:18:02,625
about everybody
forgetting your birthday?
399
00:18:02,626 --> 00:18:04,261
Nah.
400
00:18:04,262 --> 00:18:06,896
I know this family's
dealing with a lot. I'm fine.
401
00:18:06,897 --> 00:18:08,632
No, you're not.
402
00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,634
Quit being so damn stoic.
403
00:18:10,635 --> 00:18:13,136
Remember when I told you as a kid
404
00:18:13,137 --> 00:18:16,039
to stop sharing your
problems with everybody?
405
00:18:16,040 --> 00:18:17,106
Yeah.
406
00:18:17,107 --> 00:18:19,141
That's one of the
reasons I'm an alcoholic.
407
00:18:20,210 --> 00:18:24,281
Look, I'm the kid that
actually cares about you.
408
00:18:24,282 --> 00:18:25,414
You can tell me.
409
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,183
Fine.
410
00:18:27,184 --> 00:18:29,152
It kinda bugs me.
411
00:18:29,153 --> 00:18:30,219
This is the first time
412
00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,389
any of you kids ever
forgot about my birthday,
413
00:18:32,390 --> 00:18:34,991
and it got me thinking,
"What happens when I'm gone?"
414
00:18:34,992 --> 00:18:36,192
So...
415
00:18:36,193 --> 00:18:37,575
Well, after you're gone,
416
00:18:37,576 --> 00:18:39,529
we'll probably stop
celebrating your birthday,
417
00:18:39,530 --> 00:18:42,832
because, you know, nobody
to blow out the candles.
418
00:18:43,967 --> 00:18:47,503
It's not the birthday.
It's about being forgotten.
419
00:18:47,504 --> 00:18:48,737
I'm not a kind of guy
420
00:18:48,738 --> 00:18:50,706
that's gonna get his name on a building
421
00:18:50,707 --> 00:18:52,507
or even a sandwich at the deli.
422
00:18:54,177 --> 00:18:55,377
All I got is my family,
423
00:18:55,378 --> 00:18:58,514
and if they don't remember me...
424
00:18:58,515 --> 00:19:00,449
I disappear.
425
00:19:00,450 --> 00:19:02,284
You're not gonna disappear.
426
00:19:02,285 --> 00:19:03,319
Oh, yeah?
427
00:19:03,320 --> 00:19:05,854
What's she gonna remember about me?
428
00:19:05,855 --> 00:19:09,057
You've got plenty of years
for her to get to know you.
429
00:19:09,058 --> 00:19:11,927
No one's gonna forget you.
430
00:19:11,928 --> 00:19:12,993
Dan, is it?
431
00:19:15,064 --> 00:19:17,532
Everything we are is because of you.
432
00:19:18,668 --> 00:19:22,170
How about I take the job
of reminding everybody every year?
433
00:19:22,171 --> 00:19:24,206
Fine. Do what you want to.
434
00:19:25,274 --> 00:19:27,343
I don't care.
435
00:19:27,344 --> 00:19:28,442
I'm fine.
436
00:19:31,413 --> 00:19:33,179
Ho, ho, ho.
437
00:19:35,884 --> 00:19:37,984
Yep. We're back.
438
00:19:41,724 --> 00:19:43,358
This is our first triple Santa.
439
00:19:43,359 --> 00:19:44,592
I get it now.
440
00:19:46,428 --> 00:19:49,364
Remember last year, when
I threw up all over you?
441
00:19:49,365 --> 00:19:51,465
We're sober now. Yes, we are!
442
00:19:54,102 --> 00:19:55,536
So, the elves...
443
00:19:55,537 --> 00:19:58,004
are they free to go, or are they slaves?
444
00:20:02,210 --> 00:20:04,343
Oh, Santa!
445
00:20:10,585 --> 00:20:13,186
I actually asked to be a part of this.
446
00:20:13,187 --> 00:20:14,854
I'm so sorry.
447
00:20:18,593 --> 00:20:21,159
Bounce me. I dare ya.
448
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:24,464
I have a gift for you, Dan Conner.
449
00:20:24,465 --> 00:20:27,601
Your family's very sorry
they forgot your birthday,
450
00:20:27,602 --> 00:20:29,503
so they wanted me to give you this.
451
00:20:29,504 --> 00:20:31,405
Happy birthday!
452
00:20:31,406 --> 00:20:32,839
Wow!
453
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:37,676
An actual game-worn Bears jersey!
454
00:20:37,677 --> 00:20:40,246
Who's Overbaugh?
455
00:20:40,247 --> 00:20:41,781
Uh, Jeff Overbaugh.
456
00:20:41,782 --> 00:20:44,816
He was the long snapper
for a week in 2017.
457
00:20:45,519 --> 00:20:48,487
There was only one other bidder,
and he dropped out at 10 bucks.
458
00:20:48,488 --> 00:20:50,456
I think it was Overbaugh.
459
00:20:50,457 --> 00:20:52,025
I love it!
460
00:21:24,077 --> 00:21:25,400
_
461
00:21:25,401 --> 00:21:30,401
- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -