- Surprise! - What the hell?
It's not my birthday. Is it your birthday?
- You don't know my birthday? - It's not her birthday, you dumbasses.
Well, actually, the dumbasses are here
to wish you well at your deposition.
Yeah, we know you're dreading being grilled
about Roseanne's death
by some Big Pharma legal snake.
I want you to take this. This is my lucky bullet.
That's in case you get mad
and you can run over and shove it into somebody.
No, no. This bullet was in my gun
when I was a cop, staring down a suspect
who was holding a hostage at knifepoint,
and I thought, "If I ever shoot this bullet,
I might hit the hostage."
The suspect surrendered and I never had to shoot.
So now, this bullet represents bad things that don't happen.
- Thank you. I appreciate your support. - Mm-hmm.
I am a little afraid that when those guys start pushing me,
- I'm gonna lose my cool. - Aw.
- You got this. - Looking good.
It'll be good. It'll be good.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh. Yeah.
Well, the synapse bridges have finally collapsed,
and now she's just on random activity.
No, no, no, no. Police physical.
Short blasts for heart rate.
You know, if you don't get on the force,
maybe the insane asylum has a track team.
Sorry Ben wasn't here, guys.
When he gets involved in a project,
he loses track of time, space and things he made vows to.
Yeah, I saw how obsessed he was
during the two hours I worked for him.
Was he like that when you two ran the mug shot magazine?
Yeah, I guess.
Who are you again, and why are you asking me personal questions?
Ben really should've been here.
Even the guy that Harris sexually harassed showed up.
Oh, that's who you are.
Hey. He's not my victim. He's my boyfriend.
The Conners is filmed
in front of a live studio audience.
What are you doing?
Well, one of the tests is clearing obstacles
during a foot pursuit.
Oh. Well, I I can spot you.
Okay, good, because I I've got the angle
and the speed of approach, okay?
- So, all right, here I come. - Okay.
You know what? It would really help if it felt more realistic.
So go get the TV
and pretend like you're running away with it.
Oh, I can pretend I have the TV. I I did improv in college.
Okay.
Ha ha. I'm getting away.
Nobody can catch me,
not even against this strong wind.
Stop! Police!
I can't do it.
I can't I'm gonna look like an idiot
in front of all those cops again.
No. Come on.
You can do this.
You just need that rush of adrenaline in the moment.
They always talk about those mothers
who get superhuman strength
and they can lift cars off their babies,
but they never tell you about the ones who get it halfway up
and drop it.
I can't do it.
Sure you can.
Oh, no. This TV fell on a baby.
If only someone was here who could help.
You are right in here.
- Hi, Dan. - Hi.
I am representing you today. My name is Erica.
Uh, where's Jean?
Her car wouldn't start.
It's one of those new models,
the you-gotta-blow-under-.08 SUV.
Oh, my God.
Let me assure you,
I reviewed the case and I'm totally prepared.
You have the option to postpone, if you'd like, Mr. Conner.
Oh, no, sir. Let's do this today.
Tomorrow, I'll drop by for a purely social visit.
Remember, they're trying to trap you
into saying Roseanne's death was her own fault.
Okay, stay calm. Take a beat before you answer.
Uh,
I had five cups of coffee and an energy drink
to keep me focused before I came over here,
so if I clutch my chest and fall on the floor,
that's not a response to the question.
Just a few more questions.
It's been seven years.
I'm sure your recollection is somewhat blurry.
No, sir.
It's easy to remember someone killing your wife.
Yeah, it's a tragedy.
Is it true that Roseanne had an addictive personality?
No, it's not.
So, no history of overeating?
No, sir. She ate the exact right amount
to maintain her weight.
I understand that she took drugs
that were not prescribed by her doctor.
Is that true?
Yes, she did. Her prescription ran out.
And by that time, she needed more just to keep working,
so she got some from her friends, and--
So you knew that she was taking drugs
that were not prescribed by her doctor
before she overdosed.
Yeah.
Yeah, and when I found out, I flushed 'em.
Did you ever search the house after that?
No, sir. She told me those were all the pills,
and I believed her.
You claim to be destroyed by the loss of your wife.
How come you didn't try harder
to keep her from abusing pills that could kill her?
Sir, I did everything I could.
Or maybe you just don't want to take responsibility
for what happened.
If you're saying what I think you're saying,
it might be the last thing you say,
you son of a bitch.
I told her she could overdose.
So,
Roseanne knew she was doing something
that was potentially deadly
and she did it anyway.
Well, that clearly is not the company's fault.
Yes, it was. It was the fault of the company.
She kept taking those pills because you didn't tell her
that they would change how her brain worked
and turn her into an addict.
You don't care how many families you've destroyed.
The only thing you care about is money.
And I hope everybody that walks through that door
soaks you for everything you've got.
But even if I took every penny you had,
it wouldn't be enough,
because you took the love of my life
and you killed her.
The same as you put a gun to her head.
The only difference is you handed her the gun
and told her it wasn't loaded!
That will be "standing defiantly."
How'd your, uh How'd your dad's deposition go?
Uh, Louise said it was pretty rough.
This whole week has sucked.
Ah. And with Mark gone,
the house must feel pretty empty right now.
Thanks, sunshine.
Oh, look who's here, Down and Downer.
Is she having an affair?
Uh, I don't know, honey,
but some men like to punish themselves.
How about we go get tacos for dinner?
Why don't we just order some here?
Uh, because this food is awful.
And we've never actually seen each other
outside these four walls and dim lighting.
I mean, you might be a teenage boy
I've been unwittingly plying with booze.
Right back at ya.
Uh, but doing it someplace else would be kind of weird.
I don't know, might be kind of fun.
You know, like a date.
A date?
Why would we go on a date?
Because we enjoy each other's company
and our marriages are blowing up.
You're miserable.
That doesn't mean anything.
For me, miserable is just a Tuesday.
Did you ever tell your husband about me?
No. I mean, why would I? You're a friend.
Have you ever had another friend
you didn't tell your husband about?
I did not tell him about the dry cleaner.
He gives me 10% off.
Darlene
Look, I'm sorry. I
I let this become something it shouldn't have.
We have to stop hanging out.
Good, because I think we're getting too close
and I'm not comfortable with it anymore.
Yeah, I'm I'm going.
No, I think you should go.
Okay.
They just talked.
There's nothing going on unless he follows her out.
And there he goes.
This is horrible.
I have to stop this.
I already tried.
I'll go talk to Ben.
I think there's still time for them to fix this.
I I hope so.
I really like Ben. I don't wanna lose him in this family.
Maybe there's a way that he can stay and she can leave.
I declare war.
If you don't start laying some cards down,
this is gonna be a bloodbath.
I'm sorry. Jean promised
she'd watch the deposition for me
- and let me know if I screwed up. - Well
Holy cow.
The drug company lawyer called Jean.
They're cutting me a check.
Oh, my God. Dan, you did it.
They're dropping it over tomorrow.
What's this feeling I'm having?
Whatever it is, I don't want to drown it in beer.
It's joy.
Yeah, we gotta celebrate. Joy.
We're gonna toast with the stuff I bought
just in case The Conners ever got a win.
Uh Yeah.
Is '82 a good year for Champell?
Was there a bad year?
Dan, I am so proud of you.
You know, Rose is the reason for all this.
I wanna call the kids and we can meet up at the cemetery,
and open the check together.
Yeah.
I I'm gonna stay here. It's really a family thing.
Hey, you know you're part of the family.
I know all this talk about her has been rough on you.
Yes, it has been.
But I got past it, um, until today.
Maybe I shouldn't say this,
but when you said she was the love of your life,
it kind of made me wonder what that made me.
I did say that.
And I'm admitting it
because I'll never lie to you
and it's on video.
She was the love of that part of my life,
but when I met you, my life started all over again.
Hmm. But hearing all the stories of you two, it just
You had 40 years together.
It kind of made me feel like
what we'll have pales in comparison.
Not to me, it doesn't.
How many times have I told you
Godfather II is infinitely better than The Godfather?
Oh.
And there's a million incredible things
that we're gonna do that I never did with her.
Like?
Like
You're gonna be around to see me die.
She would've killed for that.
Hey.
We need to talk.
Just for a second though.
I'll go take a quick shower,
and then surprise Darlene at the Lobo for a drink
before I gotta get back to work.
Oh, so, tonight's the night you finally come out of your coma
and remember you have a wife?
I detected a wee bit of judgment in that.
You completely abandoned your marriage.
That's why Darlene is out with her boyfriend, Chad, right now.
What the hell are you talking about?
She's been having drinks with the same guy
every night for the past month.
There is no way she would do that to me.
Wouldn't she?
You didn't text, you didn't call.
My sister leans towards men for attention,
and if you let her lean too far, she lays down under 'em.
Unbelievable.
She's not there. I saw her leave with Chad.
Hello? Anybody home?
Holy hell, she brought him back here.
Oh, you're here. Well, this is perfect.
Nope, he's not here. My bad. Going to bed. Night.
Sit down. We need to talk.
I know about Chad.
Oh, that saves time.
What's going on, Darlene?
Nothing is going on.
I needed a friend to talk to
and he took it for something more.
What did you do to make him think it was something more?
I wore my tightest baggy pants
and my garage-sale T-shirt that says "It's wine o'clock."
That's on me.
We just needed to talk
because both of our partners have abandoned us.
You didn't sleep with him?
God, no. I'm not sleeping with anybody,
not him, not you.
I mean, I guess you can accuse me of sleeping
with Jimmy Kimmel and Guillermo.
I didn't abandon you. I was working.
Okay, you completely dropped out of my life.
And you know what really hurt? Is that it didn't seem to bother you at all.
Of course it did.
Give me a break.
You know what? If Becky hadn't talked to you,
you'd be at work, I'd be sitting here alone again.
You're not wrong.
And I should've told you that I missed you.
Yeah, you should have.
Stupid.
Well, I lost sight of what's important,
so I'm sorry.
I was a lousy partner.
I'm sorry too.
I shouldn't have been hanging out with that guy.
And you're a good partner.
I mean, compared to my previous husband,
you're Barack Obama.
If I died tomorrow
would you text this guy?
Why would I text somebody I'm laying next to in bed?
Dad, it feels like a storm is coming.
Can't we just open the envelope?
No, we have to wait for everyone.
This is too big a moment.
Well, guess what.
Whoa!
When the adrenaline kicked in, all the self-doubt left my body
and I made that obstacle course my bitch.
That's great. You're back on the force,
with a deadly weapon.
Yeah.
Well, this is a great day for the family.
Sometimes people like us think, "You don't get a silver lining,"
but if you keep on pushing, sometimes you do.
Uh
Hey, can I say something too?
Um, Neville and I had a really crappy homelife.
So it took me a while to to understand why you guys
always wanted to be with each other.
But now I know.
It's because, obviously,
Roseanne did something right for her kids and her husband.
Aw. That was beautiful, Louise.
Yes. Sweet. Now pull out the check
and make it rain, big daddy.
Whoo.
This is from the lawyer for the drug company.
"Dear Mr. Conner,
yesterday the eloquence with which you expressed
the pain of your loss
moved us in a way we didn't expect.
But precedent has shown that any jury would agree
that Mrs. Conner knew the dangers,
yet continued to put her life at risk.
The enclosed check admits no liability,
but is offered as a tribute
to your unwavering commitment to your beloved wife."
How much do they give you?
$700.
The memo says,
"For transportation and miscellaneous."
Well, we always wondered how much a Conner's life is worth, now we know.
$700.
Oh. This is so on-brand.
Hey! Screw this!
Let's put this money to good use.
I'll order some food to the house.
- Mmm. - Mmm.
Hey, Mom.
I'm still sober.
Can you believe it?
And my psychology degree is really paying off.
I got an incredible job.
Oh! And I met a great guy.
A little needy
but great.
Hi.
I tried to do what I thought you would do for the family.
It's not fair that you were here for the hard part,
and you didn't get to see that things turned out okay.
I mean okay for us, not for regular people.
Mark and Harris are doing great.
And I-I found a guy too, and he's just like Dad.
That's Ben.
Hello.
Hey, Grandma!
Oh, I own your restaurant now.
The food is finally good.
Huh? Right?
I'm really happy now.
I know you didn't think that that was possible, but I figured it out.
Oh, and by the way, I have no idea
where our mother is.
I miss you.
It's a little bit chilly. I'm gonna meet you in the car.
- Okay, honey. - Okay.
Well, Rose, we always said,
"If the kids were still alive at the end of the day,
we did our job."
I think we did better than that.
Makes me realize we did the right thing by not selling 'em.
I still can't believe you're not here.
I I know you wanted good things for me too,
and that probably didn't include Louise.
But if you meet anybody wherever you are
I'm cool with it.
Don't hit her with lightning.
Please.
Hey, how you doing?
Oh, honey. I'm doing great.
I guess it would've been nice for that check to be so big
it brought down the damn company.
Very nice.
It was never about the money.
Well yeah.
You know, going through all this
reminds me that no matter how much crap life throws at us,
all we gotta do is look around.
'Cause if we hang together, nothing can stop us.
- Mmm. - Amen, brother.
- Hey! - Amen.
Salute.
Well Riley and I are gonna head out.
- Us too. - Yeah.
I can't resist a woman in uniform any longer.
Uh Just make sure you have the keys to the handcuffs.
Learned that the hard way.
Um, I guess we're gonna go too.
Us too.
Uh, well
good night.
Good night.
What is your problem?
You're my problem, you little slob!
You used to be almost normal!
Yeah, until you were born!
Oh! No, no, no!
But don't you wanna save something like this for when you get married?
Oh.
Oh! Touchdown! Yeah!
Good night.
I love you.
I love you too, Daddy.
How could you do something that's stupid and immature
for me.
I'll miss you.
Will you call?
Promise.
I love you, Becky.
I love, Darlene.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?