♪♪
Hey, Darlene! I need a hand.
I gotta go to a memorial service
for my high-school English teacher on Sunday,
and I don't know what to wear.
Uh, black and shoes you wouldn't go camping in.
Oh, I know black.
But I'm gonna see classmates
I haven't seen for over 50 years.
I don't want to look shabby
'cause I'd at least like them to ask how I'm doing.
Then I can say "poorly," and we can move on.
Alright, fine.
Uh, what about the suit you married Louise in?
I don't want to make it all sad.
It's in the happy end of the closet.
You have happy clothes and sad clothes?
Yeah.
Like I got a happy daughter and a sad daughter.
And here's the happy one.
Hi! It's a beautiful day.
Let her help you.
The sad one is busy looking for work right now.
Uh, "Must be upbeat and like working with people."
Next.
What are you guys doing here, anyway?
Didn't I build you a house?
Well, Darlene is using your Wi-Fi,
and my mail still comes here
so I can tell the credit card company,
"I would've paid it, but it didn't come to my new place."
What's the clothes problem?
I gotta go to a funeral on Sunday,
and I don't have anything to wear.
I got a sports coat, but it's kinda loud.
My English teacher would've said it's "gauche."
She just made up words like that.
She was so cool.
Here's something for you from the bank.
It says "time sensitive."
Damn it. What?
My variable mortgage rate blew up,
and I owe 6 grand I don't have.
Oh, my God. How soon do they want it?
They want it now.
[ Knock on door ]
Darlene: Can somebody get that?
Sorry. Delivery Girl Darlene's
gotta finish this job application
before she drops off some Italian food.
Damn it! I just wrote "chicken parm"
under "special skills."
Oh, my stars and garters! Smitty!
Hello, Dan!
Good to see you, brother.
Girls, this is Smitty.
I told you about him.
He's a buddy of me and your mom's
who made a killing in the pool supply business.
Honestly, I didn't think you'd show up for the funeral.
Why hang out with us regular folks after you made it big?
'Cause showing the regular folks how you made it big
is the whole point of making it big.
Money doesn't bring you happiness, Dan.
But it makes other people feel badly about themselves,
and that makes you happy.
Well, mission accomplished. [ Chuckles ]
I had to be in Chicago anyway. I bought a hospital here.
Hey, would any of you folks get a triple bypass
at a place called Smitty General?
Yes, I'd like one.
Hi. I'm Becky. Hi.
Uh, I'm always looking for a good place
to have a mental breakdown, if you offer those services.
I'm Darlene.
Hi. You're Rosie's kids.
I'm sorry about your mom.
She was a one-of-a-kind.
I don't know if you know this, but I was almost your dad.
You still can be.
We both had a thing for your mom.
And she chose Dan.
Can't blame her.
Hell of a guy.
Anyway, I just dropped by
'cause I'm giving everyone in our gang a little gift
before we get together at The Lobo tonight.
Oh.
"In Loving Memory of Mrs. Willens.
She always said I was going to be someone special, and I am."
Smitty Cusamano.
[ Laughs ]
Well, that's quite a tribute to her.
No, it's -- it's for me, because I did so well.
I -- Well, I think it's fun.
I'll see you later on tonight at The Lobo, Danny boy.
And, um, we're gonna have a free breakfast program
at the hospital for underserved communities.
You should come by.
Some eggs and a sausage'll bring that color right back.
♪♪
"The Conners" is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.
[ Clears throat ]
Your attention, please.
Next up on the catwalk, in this season's hottest winter look,
direct from Milan...O's Pizza...
...Lanford's own Beverly Rose!
Oh, wow! Look at you.
Pretty fierce, the way you're rocking those Fuggs.
They're real Uggs.
Wow. Those aren't cheap.
Don't worry. They're gonna get plenty of use.
When she outgrows them, your mom can wear them.
Ooh, burn on me.
I don't have your big, fat yeti feet.
Go put your new shoes by the door, sweet pea.
Celebrate with me?
I finally figured out what I'm going to do
with my psychology degree.
I talked to my advisor,
and I'm going to be an addiction counselor.
Is this your way of telling me that I get high too much?
Because I just took a gummy,
and I'm getting a little paranoid.
No, it's about how good I feel
helping people I've sponsored turn their lives around.
Turns out all those years I was getting blackout drunk,
I was just doing research.
The only downside is, I gotta get my master's degree,
which I can't afford to do
unless I live with Ben and your mom
for two years longer than we planned.
Have you told them yet?
No big deal. I'll just move back in here.
Nope. Louise turned the extra bedroom into a music room,
and Grandpa moved his weed grow downstairs.
Why? I thought he was growing it in their closet.
He was, but the pot made Louise's clothes smell,
and a drug dog took her down in Walmart.
♪♪
So, why was this teacher so special?
She passed all the jocks
so we wouldn't get kicked off our teams.
At my graduation, she said,
"Some of you have bright futures.
Some of you don't know your butts
from a hole in the ground...
Dan."
Nice shout-out.
So, this is what a room full of jocks
looks like 50 years later, huh?
Hey, I resemble that remark.
So, I was never an athlete, but Mrs. Willens,
she showed the same grade respect to the color guard.
She used to love to watch me twirl my guns.
You got a lot of action twirling those guns. Yeah.
That's when my brother fell in love with you.
Oh, yeah, everybody loves the rifle girl.
Odd thing is, though, nobody remembers me.
But I look basically the same,
so, uh, I guess that's what's throwing people off.
Louise Goldufsky?
[ Chuckles ] Oh.
And Jackie Harris.
Okay. [ Laughs ]
So good to see you again. Yes.
Hey, Smitty, come join us at our table.
I'll go get some drinks.
How you doing, Smitty?
How's he doing?
How's he d-- This guy went from blowing the whistle
at swim meets to being the biggest name in pool supply.
That's how he's doing.
Hey, you remember how I used to watch you start the races?
I'll say yes if we can move on.
Yeah. Movin' on.
Maybe if you watch me walking away, you'll remember.
So...I heard you and Dan got hitched.
Although I wouldn't know it from the ring,
'cause you can barely see the stone.
Oh, hello! Peekaboo. [ Sighs ]
You know, Smitty, um, we're all really happy for you,
but between us, could you ease up on the money thing?
Dan's going through a rough stretch.
I'm sorry. What happened?
Oh, you know.
Bank loans, interest rates going up.
We got totally blindsided.
You guys should watch the TV.
It's full of information.
Here you go.
So, Dan... Milady.
How much ya need?
Enough to make me feel pretty.
No, I mean money. Smitty.
Hey, if you're behind on your mortgage, let me help you out.
Oh, uh...
I appreciate it, man, but we're good.
Oh, come on. I wouldn't even miss it.
That's the thing about making your first million, Dan.
After that, the others aren't that hard.
It's like hamsters.
The money just climbs on top of each other and makes more money.
Well, let me put it this way --
If you were a millionaire, you'd do it for me, right?
Well, I don't know.
After I built the arcade and a Buffalo Wild Wings
in my basement, I might poke my head up
once a year to see if anyone needs help.
Come on, Dan.
When other people need help,
you're the first guy to offer.
Six grand, and I'll pay you back.
[ Sighs ] You saved my ass, bro.
Happy to do it.
Hey, everybody!
A toast to all my pals who are here this evening.
And especially my friend Dan.
I haven't seen this guy for 50 years,
and the first thing he does is hit me up for six large.
Can you believe the stones on this guy?
Huh?
Well, cheers!
[ All murmuring ]
That was for Roseanne, jackass.
♪♪
What the hell, Smitty?
You loaned me that money just to humiliate me?
I thought you were okay with the whole Roseanne thing.
I thought I was.
Till I got here and everybody started laughing,
remembering how I took Roseanne to homecoming
and you went home with her.
That was 50 years ago!
You humiliated me, man.
Payback's a bitch.
You know what's gonna be a bitch
is putting your nose back into place.
Hey, Dan -- Ah.
Always the big, tough jock, right, Dan?
Folks, listen up.
Anybody got a beef with Conner here?
'Cause I got two grand for anybody
who'll take my place in a fight.
Hey, Danny.
Bobo?
What do you and your fat wife think of my new hat?
[ Laughs ]
[ Thud ]
I'll fight him for free.
I just offered you $2,000.
This is why poor people never get anywhere.
Had my jaw wired shut for three months.
I don't need your money.
I'm not gonna fight you.
This is between me and Smitty.
Well, then you're gonna stand there
while I punch you like you sucker-punched me.
Uh, Dan, you -- you cannot do any fighting.
Oh, I never walked away from one yet.
Just hold this.
With all the anti-coagulants I got in me,
I don't want to bleed all over it.
Whoa, Dan. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're all here to honor Mrs. Willens.
This isn't how you do it.
First off, I remember your rap sheet
from when I was a cop, and you don't need this.
No, ma'am, I don't.
Louise, take Dan home before something happens
that everybody's gonna regret.
Come on, Dan. It's not worth it.
You know what? Yeah, I took Roseanne home!
And we had 45 good years together!
Then I married this woman. We're gonna have 45 more!
[ Exhales sharply ] God forbid.
♪♪
Hey, can we talk for a second?
Sure.
Uh, I know when we talked about me moving in with you,
we decided on a couple years.
I was wondering what your definition is
of "a couple years."
Not one, not three.
You're in college. You got this, right?
[ Sighs ]
Look, I might have to live with you and Ben longer.
I want to be an addiction counselor,
which requires a master's,
so I'm gonna have to live with you for four years.
It's just a couple, but two of them.
Wow.
Four years.
I mean, I was fine with two,
but waiting to be alone with Ben that long is asking a lot.
I know.
But you were the one who encouraged me
to go back to school and -- and make the most of my life.
Yeah, and I'm happy that you found a direction in life,
but I have to start mine, too.
I mean, what if you need two more years after that?
And then two more years?
And then I'm stuck with you for God knows how long?
Right? I mean, that's what we did to Mom and Dad,
so I do know how it works.
Do you think I like having to ask you to stay longer?
I hate that I got so far off track,
but now I finally know what I want to do with my life,
and it's the only way I can do that.
Well, I get it,
but it's gotta be fair for me and Ben, too, right?
I'm sorry. Forget I asked.
♪♪
Look, look, I-I know you don't want to talk about this,
but I feel terrible.
I never should've told that guy our financial stuff.
It's not your fault.
Man, I should've just ripped that check up
and threw it in his face.
I don't know.
I would've lit it on fire and shoved it down his throat.
Now we're just quibbling about differences in approach.
It's not on you, Dan.
The guy set you up.
No.
I set myself up by needing the money.
Maybe i-- if I'd have worked harder
or done something different with my life.
Oh.
Oh, come on, honey, no.
Everybody feels like that.
Not Smitty.
No, we both came from the same circumstance, and he won.
He got everything he wanted out of life, and I didn't.
Yeah, we've already dodged two fights tonight,
so I'm not gonna take that personally.
♪♪
Look, I love my family,
but I do not want them all at the house.
I just want to be with you.
I don't mind if they visit,
but I look forward to standing in the doorway
and waving and saying, "Take care. Drive safely,"
and then triple-locking that door.
And Becky comments every time I take a drink.
Can you imagine when she's studying
to be an addiction counselor?
Ben: Oh, yeah. It's gonna be impossible.
She'll be all like, uh, "Ben, that beer will not heal
the wounded child inside of you."
No, but it'll knock that little sucker out
long enough for me to get hammered.
[ Laughs ]
Hey, how about this?
We save part of Becky's rent -- don't tell her --
and then, in two years, we give it back to her
so she can move out when she planned?
We can't do that. I don't have a job.
We need that money.
Oh, you're gonna get a job.
But in two years, will you really be able
to just toss her out into the street?
No, that's why you're gonna do it.
And I'm gonna say, "Ben, what are you doing?
That's my sister, and I love her."
Or...
We give it to her to save.
No. She'll just blow it buying Beverly Rose
a diamond tiara to go with her brand-new Uggs.
Alright. Maybe we can keep it a secret,
but we should say something
so she's not worried about it the whole time.
Hey, Becky, come down here for a sec!
Okay. We'll keep the money a secret?
Yeah, now that I think about it, I love the idea.
We hand her the cash, we look super generous,
she's indebted to us forever for absolutely no reason.
Listen, I am really sorry about last night.
It's okay. You were right.
It's my problem, and I have two years to figure out
where I'll be living.
I think things are gonna be okay.
I hope so.
All I'm saying is, one way or another,
I know you will be fine.
Look, I let you off the hook.
You don't need to make yourself feel better by saying
I'm absolutely gonna be fine.
No, I never said you were absolutely gonna be fine.
I said I have a very, very good feeling.
You don't know!
I could end up in a refrigerator box
behind a dumpster, fighting rats for French fries!
No, I do know! I --
Ben and I decided to save some of the rent
and give it back to you so you can move out
after two years. [ Sighs ]
Really? Surprise.
I think it's great that you're gonna help people.
Oh, thank you!
And once I get a job, I will pay back every penny!
Mm.
Here. Oh, thanks.
Someone's on their second beer of the afternoon.
♪♪
Ray: Thank you all for coming.
Some of you may remember an assignment
that my wife gave you where she asked you
to write a letter to your future selves.
These were meant for your 60th reunion,
but the Lord rang the bell and ended her school day,
so please read them now.
Wow.
It's addressed to "Mrs. Donny Osmond."
"I know the Mormons have accepted you,
and right now, you're probably recovering
from your whirlwind tour of Asia with the guys.
All the people in school who never noticed you
are gonna regret it.
Please remember the teenager who promised herself that,
no matter how rich she became...
she'd never help her mother."
That's touching.
"Dear future self, you had a rough year,
but things are turning around.
You're now president of the Junior Achievers Club,
and once you get a girlfriend, everything will be perfect.
But don't go after Louise Goldufsky.
I think she's gonna end up in the roller derby anyway
and be out of your league."
What? You looked like a roller-derby queen.
Yeah, I kinda do.
Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all freaked out about the future,
but you're gonna play D-line in the NFL, so don't sweat it.
It's easy for a Hall of Famer to get a job.
Just be good at what you do, find a woman who loves you,
and raise a family where you're always there for your kids.
Not like our dad.
Be a stand-up guy, and that's all you need to be successful.
Oh, yeah, and get a cool motorcycle."
I did it.
I did that.
I even got the bike in the garage.
And you never know when the NFL is gonna call.
Hey, Smitty, I just realized --
You didn't win. I did.
I am a success in everything that matters.
And I don't need your money.
[ Check ripping ]
I'll figure it out.
I always have.
Took a lot of guts to do that.
Yeah, well, that's who I am.
Also, I cashed his check this morning.
That was a $2 rebate from the cable company.
♪♪
You look really familiar.
Excuse me?
I know you, right?
Oh. I'm the King of Chlorine.
You probably saw one of my late-night commercials.
Oh! Oh, yeah!
Those commercials kind of suck,
and you're too old to be wearing a Speedo, dude.
What the hell do you want, Smitty?
Dan, I know I told you
I wouldn't notice if I gave you $6,000,
but I did notice when the bank cleared the check.
Look, look, look.
We could either stand here and fight about what you did
or what I did, or you can come in here,
say hello to the family you could've had.
I-I-I'm not here for the money, Dan.
I'm here to apologize.
This may surprise you,
but my rash behavior has cost me a lot of friends.
It's the Speedo, dude.
People are embarrassed to be seen with you.
Oh, come on. Deep down, he's a good guy.
Just nobody wants to dig that far.
Now that I don't have to pay you back,
you will always have a friend here.
[ Chuckles ]
I-I'm sorry, I can't forgive you
for what you did to my dad.
However, if your hospital has an opening in mid-management,
I can switch allegiances in a heartbeat.
She really can.
-- Captions by VITAC --