1
00:00:01,753 --> 00:00:03,421
♪♪
2
00:00:03,421 --> 00:00:06,883
Hey, Darlene!
I need a hand.
3
00:00:06,883 --> 00:00:08,510
I gotta go
to a memorial service
4
00:00:08,510 --> 00:00:10,595
for my high-school
English teacher on Sunday,
5
00:00:10,595 --> 00:00:12,347
and I don't know
what to wear.
6
00:00:12,347 --> 00:00:16,017
Uh, black and shoes
you wouldn't go camping in.
7
00:00:16,017 --> 00:00:18,645
Oh, I know black.
8
00:00:18,645 --> 00:00:19,980
But I'm gonna see
classmates
9
00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:21,606
I haven't seen
for over 50 years.
10
00:00:21,606 --> 00:00:23,108
I don't want
to look shabby
11
00:00:23,108 --> 00:00:26,820
'cause I'd at least like them
to ask how I'm doing.
12
00:00:26,820 --> 00:00:30,198
Then I can say "poorly,"
and we can move on.
13
00:00:30,198 --> 00:00:31,324
Alright, fine.
14
00:00:31,324 --> 00:00:34,035
Uh, what about the suit
you married Louise in?
15
00:00:34,035 --> 00:00:37,080
I don't want
to make it all sad.
16
00:00:37,080 --> 00:00:40,458
It's in the happy end
of the closet.
17
00:00:40,458 --> 00:00:42,502
You have happy clothes
and sad clothes?
18
00:00:42,502 --> 00:00:44,087
Yeah.
19
00:00:44,087 --> 00:00:47,048
Like I got a happy daughter
and a sad daughter.
20
00:00:47,048 --> 00:00:49,092
And here's the happy one.
21
00:00:49,092 --> 00:00:51,303
Hi!
It's a beautiful day.
22
00:00:53,471 --> 00:00:54,723
Let her help you.
23
00:00:54,723 --> 00:00:57,600
The sad one is busy
looking for work right now.
24
00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,270
Uh, "Must be upbeat and like
working with people."
25
00:01:00,270 --> 00:01:01,021
Next.
26
00:01:04,441 --> 00:01:06,318
What are you guys
doing here, anyway?
27
00:01:06,318 --> 00:01:09,195
Didn't I build you
a house?
28
00:01:09,195 --> 00:01:11,281
Well, Darlene is using
your Wi-Fi,
29
00:01:11,281 --> 00:01:12,949
and my mail still comes here
30
00:01:12,949 --> 00:01:15,452
so I can tell
the credit card company,
31
00:01:15,452 --> 00:01:18,079
"I would've paid it, but it
didn't come to my new place."
32
00:01:19,539 --> 00:01:22,250
What's the clothes problem?
33
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:23,793
I gotta go to a funeral
on Sunday,
34
00:01:23,793 --> 00:01:25,879
and I don't have
anything to wear.
35
00:01:25,879 --> 00:01:28,256
I got a sports coat,
but it's kinda loud.
36
00:01:28,256 --> 00:01:31,259
My English teacher
would've said it's "gauche."
37
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,386
She just made up words
like that.
38
00:01:33,386 --> 00:01:35,305
She was so cool.
39
00:01:35,305 --> 00:01:38,016
Here's something for you
from the bank.
40
00:01:38,016 --> 00:01:39,726
It says "time sensitive."
41
00:01:44,481 --> 00:01:45,982
Damn it.
What?
42
00:01:45,982 --> 00:01:47,942
My variable mortgage rate
blew up,
43
00:01:47,942 --> 00:01:50,236
and I owe 6 grand
I don't have.
44
00:01:50,236 --> 00:01:52,322
Oh, my God.
How soon do they want it?
45
00:01:52,322 --> 00:01:53,573
They want it now.
46
00:01:53,573 --> 00:01:54,783
[ Knock on door ]
47
00:01:54,783 --> 00:01:57,494
Darlene:
Can somebody get that?
48
00:01:57,494 --> 00:02:00,205
Sorry.
Delivery Girl Darlene's
49
00:02:00,205 --> 00:02:01,831
gotta finish
this job application
50
00:02:01,831 --> 00:02:05,919
before she drops off
some Italian food.
51
00:02:05,919 --> 00:02:07,420
Damn it!
I just wrote "chicken parm"
52
00:02:07,420 --> 00:02:08,922
under "special skills."
53
00:02:11,091 --> 00:02:13,301
Oh, my stars and garters!
Smitty!
54
00:02:13,301 --> 00:02:14,636
Hello, Dan!
55
00:02:14,636 --> 00:02:17,138
Good to see you,
brother.
56
00:02:17,138 --> 00:02:18,723
Girls, this is Smitty.
57
00:02:18,723 --> 00:02:20,225
I told you about him.
58
00:02:20,225 --> 00:02:21,893
He's a buddy
of me and your mom's
59
00:02:21,893 --> 00:02:24,437
who made a killing
in the pool supply business.
60
00:02:24,437 --> 00:02:27,023
Honestly, I didn't think
you'd show up for the funeral.
61
00:02:27,023 --> 00:02:29,693
Why hang out with us regular
folks after you made it big?
62
00:02:29,693 --> 00:02:32,779
'Cause showing the regular folks
how you made it big
63
00:02:32,779 --> 00:02:34,781
is the whole point of
making it big.
64
00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:38,660
Money doesn't bring
you happiness, Dan.
65
00:02:38,660 --> 00:02:40,870
But it makes other people
feel badly about themselves,
66
00:02:40,870 --> 00:02:41,705
and that makes you happy.
67
00:02:43,456 --> 00:02:45,208
Well, mission accomplished.
[ Chuckles ]
68
00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:49,462
I had to be in Chicago anyway.
I bought a hospital here.
69
00:02:49,462 --> 00:02:52,257
Hey, would any of you folks
get a triple bypass
70
00:02:52,257 --> 00:02:54,384
at a place called
Smitty General?
71
00:02:55,719 --> 00:02:57,929
Yes, I'd like one.
72
00:02:57,929 --> 00:02:59,806
Hi. I'm Becky.
Hi.
73
00:02:59,806 --> 00:03:02,100
Uh, I'm always looking
for a good place
74
00:03:02,100 --> 00:03:05,353
to have a mental breakdown,
if you offer those services.
75
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:06,229
I'm Darlene.
76
00:03:06,229 --> 00:03:09,190
Hi.
You're Rosie's kids.
77
00:03:09,190 --> 00:03:10,358
I'm sorry about your mom.
78
00:03:10,358 --> 00:03:12,485
She was a one-of-a-kind.
79
00:03:12,485 --> 00:03:15,572
I don't know if you know this,
but I was almost your dad.
80
00:03:16,906 --> 00:03:18,032
You still can be.
81
00:03:21,161 --> 00:03:23,371
We both had a thing
for your mom.
82
00:03:23,371 --> 00:03:25,707
And she chose Dan.
83
00:03:25,707 --> 00:03:26,666
Can't blame her.
84
00:03:26,666 --> 00:03:28,126
Hell of a guy.
85
00:03:28,126 --> 00:03:29,335
Anyway,
I just dropped by
86
00:03:29,335 --> 00:03:31,713
'cause I'm giving everyone
in our gang a little gift
87
00:03:31,713 --> 00:03:33,590
before we get together
at The Lobo tonight.
88
00:03:33,590 --> 00:03:34,382
Oh.
89
00:03:37,844 --> 00:03:40,513
"In Loving Memory
of Mrs. Willens.
90
00:03:40,513 --> 00:03:46,519
She always said I was going to
be someone special, and I am."
91
00:03:46,519 --> 00:03:47,770
Smitty Cusamano.
92
00:03:47,770 --> 00:03:48,980
[ Laughs ]
93
00:03:48,980 --> 00:03:51,316
Well, that's quite
a tribute to her.
94
00:03:51,316 --> 00:03:54,569
No, it's -- it's for me,
because I did so well.
95
00:03:54,569 --> 00:03:56,905
I --
Well, I think it's fun.
96
00:03:58,198 --> 00:04:01,576
I'll see you later on tonight
at The Lobo, Danny boy.
97
00:04:01,576 --> 00:04:05,246
And, um, we're gonna have
a free breakfast program
98
00:04:05,246 --> 00:04:07,415
at the hospital
for underserved communities.
99
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:08,708
You should come by.
100
00:04:08,708 --> 00:04:11,252
Some eggs and a sausage'll
bring that color right back.
101
00:04:14,297 --> 00:04:21,429
♪♪
102
00:04:21,429 --> 00:04:28,603
♪♪
103
00:04:28,603 --> 00:04:35,735
♪♪
104
00:04:35,735 --> 00:04:36,945
"The Conners" is recorded
105
00:04:36,945 --> 00:04:38,613
in front of
a live studio audience.
106
00:04:38,613 --> 00:04:39,489
[ Clears throat ]
107
00:04:39,489 --> 00:04:41,783
Your attention, please.
108
00:04:41,783 --> 00:04:45,954
Next up on the catwalk, in this
season's hottest winter look,
109
00:04:45,954 --> 00:04:48,748
direct from Milan...O's Pizza...
110
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,627
...Lanford's own Beverly Rose!
111
00:04:59,551 --> 00:05:03,429
Oh, wow!
Look at you.
112
00:05:03,429 --> 00:05:06,683
Pretty fierce, the way
you're rocking those Fuggs.
113
00:05:06,683 --> 00:05:07,851
They're real Uggs.
114
00:05:07,851 --> 00:05:10,061
Wow. Those aren't cheap.
115
00:05:10,061 --> 00:05:12,355
Don't worry. They're gonna get
plenty of use.
116
00:05:12,355 --> 00:05:15,108
When she outgrows them,
your mom can wear them.
117
00:05:16,401 --> 00:05:17,986
Ooh, burn on me.
118
00:05:17,986 --> 00:05:20,196
I don't have your big,
fat yeti feet.
119
00:05:21,698 --> 00:05:24,075
Go put your new shoes by
the door, sweet pea.
120
00:05:26,411 --> 00:05:28,246
Celebrate with me?
121
00:05:28,246 --> 00:05:30,415
I finally figured out
what I'm going to do
122
00:05:30,415 --> 00:05:32,166
with my psychology degree.
123
00:05:32,917 --> 00:05:34,168
I talked to my advisor,
124
00:05:34,168 --> 00:05:36,671
and I'm going to be
an addiction counselor.
125
00:05:36,671 --> 00:05:39,757
Is this your way of telling me
that I get high too much?
126
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:40,800
Because I just took a gummy,
127
00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,802
and I'm getting
a little paranoid.
128
00:05:42,802 --> 00:05:44,888
No, it's about
how good I feel
129
00:05:44,888 --> 00:05:48,141
helping people I've sponsored
turn their lives around.
130
00:05:48,141 --> 00:05:50,602
Turns out all those years
I was getting blackout drunk,
131
00:05:50,602 --> 00:05:52,186
I was just doing research.
132
00:05:53,354 --> 00:05:57,191
The only downside is,
I gotta get my master's degree,
133
00:05:57,191 --> 00:05:58,985
which I can't afford to do
134
00:05:58,985 --> 00:06:00,904
unless I live with
Ben and your mom
135
00:06:00,904 --> 00:06:02,989
for two years longer
than we planned.
136
00:06:02,989 --> 00:06:04,782
Have you told them yet?
137
00:06:04,782 --> 00:06:06,993
No big deal.
I'll just move back in here.
138
00:06:06,993 --> 00:06:09,454
Nope. Louise turned the extra
bedroom into a music room,
139
00:06:09,454 --> 00:06:12,498
and Grandpa moved
his weed grow downstairs.
140
00:06:12,498 --> 00:06:15,001
Why? I thought he was growing it
in their closet.
141
00:06:15,001 --> 00:06:17,337
He was, but the pot
made Louise's clothes smell,
142
00:06:17,337 --> 00:06:19,297
and a drug dog
took her down in Walmart.
143
00:06:20,506 --> 00:06:22,300
♪♪
144
00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,553
So, why was this teacher
so special?
145
00:06:25,553 --> 00:06:26,971
She passed all the jocks
146
00:06:26,971 --> 00:06:29,849
so we wouldn't get
kicked off our teams.
147
00:06:29,849 --> 00:06:31,184
At my graduation, she said,
148
00:06:31,184 --> 00:06:33,311
"Some of you have
bright futures.
149
00:06:33,311 --> 00:06:34,771
Some of you don't know
your butts
150
00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:37,106
from a hole
in the ground...
151
00:06:37,106 --> 00:06:38,691
Dan."
152
00:06:38,691 --> 00:06:41,319
Nice shout-out.
153
00:06:41,319 --> 00:06:44,030
So, this is what
a room full of jocks
154
00:06:44,030 --> 00:06:46,824
looks like
50 years later, huh?
155
00:06:46,824 --> 00:06:49,577
Hey, I resemble that remark.
156
00:06:49,577 --> 00:06:51,829
So, I was never an athlete,
but Mrs. Willens,
157
00:06:51,829 --> 00:06:54,248
she showed the same grade
respect to the color guard.
158
00:06:54,248 --> 00:06:57,752
She used to love
to watch me twirl my guns.
159
00:06:57,752 --> 00:07:00,254
You got a lot of action
twirling those guns.
Yeah.
160
00:07:00,254 --> 00:07:02,215
That's when my brother
fell in love with you.
161
00:07:02,215 --> 00:07:05,802
Oh, yeah, everybody loves
the rifle girl.
162
00:07:05,802 --> 00:07:08,346
Odd thing is, though,
nobody remembers me.
163
00:07:08,346 --> 00:07:10,556
But I look
basically the same,
164
00:07:10,556 --> 00:07:13,768
so, uh, I guess that's
what's throwing people off.
165
00:07:13,768 --> 00:07:16,229
Louise Goldufsky?
166
00:07:16,229 --> 00:07:17,897
[ Chuckles ]
Oh.
167
00:07:17,897 --> 00:07:20,858
And
Jackie Harris.
168
00:07:20,858 --> 00:07:22,860
Okay.
[ Laughs ]
169
00:07:22,860 --> 00:07:25,113
So good
to see you again.
Yes.
170
00:07:25,113 --> 00:07:26,656
Hey, Smitty, come join us
at our table.
171
00:07:26,656 --> 00:07:27,865
I'll go get some drinks.
172
00:07:27,865 --> 00:07:28,991
How you doing, Smitty?
173
00:07:28,991 --> 00:07:30,785
How's he doing?
174
00:07:30,785 --> 00:07:34,080
How's he d-- This guy
went from blowing the whistle
175
00:07:34,080 --> 00:07:36,916
at swim meets to being
the biggest name in pool supply.
176
00:07:36,916 --> 00:07:38,584
That's how he's doing.
177
00:07:38,584 --> 00:07:41,254
Hey, you remember how I used to
watch you start the races?
178
00:07:41,254 --> 00:07:43,047
I'll say yes
if we can move on.
179
00:07:43,047 --> 00:07:45,967
Yeah.
Movin' on.
180
00:07:45,967 --> 00:07:48,219
Maybe if you watch me
walking away, you'll remember.
181
00:07:53,224 --> 00:07:57,103
So...I heard you and Dan
got hitched.
182
00:07:57,103 --> 00:07:59,188
Although I wouldn't know it
from the ring,
183
00:07:59,188 --> 00:08:01,107
'cause you can
barely see the stone.
184
00:08:01,107 --> 00:08:03,985
Oh, hello! Peekaboo.
[ Sighs ]
185
00:08:03,985 --> 00:08:07,739
You know, Smitty, um,
we're all really happy for you,
186
00:08:07,739 --> 00:08:11,200
but between us, could you
ease up on the money thing?
187
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:12,910
Dan's going through
a rough stretch.
188
00:08:12,910 --> 00:08:14,287
I'm sorry.
What happened?
189
00:08:14,287 --> 00:08:15,288
Oh, you know.
190
00:08:15,288 --> 00:08:17,915
Bank loans,
interest rates going up.
191
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:20,126
We got totally blindsided.
192
00:08:20,126 --> 00:08:22,336
You guys should
watch the TV.
193
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,671
It's full of information.
194
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,506
Here you go.
195
00:08:25,506 --> 00:08:27,550
So, Dan...
Milady.
196
00:08:27,550 --> 00:08:29,302
How much ya need?
197
00:08:29,302 --> 00:08:31,929
Enough to make me
feel pretty.
198
00:08:31,929 --> 00:08:34,390
No, I mean money.
Smitty.
199
00:08:34,390 --> 00:08:37,101
Hey, if you're behind on your
mortgage, let me help you out.
200
00:08:37,101 --> 00:08:40,313
Oh, uh...
201
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:42,148
I appreciate it, man,
but we're good.
202
00:08:42,148 --> 00:08:45,193
Oh, come on.
I wouldn't even miss it.
203
00:08:45,193 --> 00:08:47,612
That's the thing about making
your first million, Dan.
204
00:08:47,612 --> 00:08:49,989
After that, the others
aren't that hard.
205
00:08:49,989 --> 00:08:51,824
It's like hamsters.
206
00:08:51,824 --> 00:08:56,537
The money just climbs
on top of each other
and makes more money.
207
00:08:56,537 --> 00:08:57,789
Well, let me put it
this way --
208
00:08:57,789 --> 00:09:01,250
If you were a millionaire,
you'd do it for me, right?
209
00:09:01,250 --> 00:09:04,378
Well, I don't know.
210
00:09:04,378 --> 00:09:06,547
After I built the arcade
and a Buffalo Wild Wings
211
00:09:06,547 --> 00:09:09,092
in my basement,
I might poke my head up
212
00:09:09,092 --> 00:09:12,345
once a year to see
if anyone needs help.
213
00:09:12,345 --> 00:09:13,513
Come on, Dan.
214
00:09:13,513 --> 00:09:15,181
When other people
need help,
215
00:09:15,181 --> 00:09:16,724
you're the first guy
to offer.
216
00:09:19,352 --> 00:09:20,728
Six grand,
and I'll pay you back.
217
00:09:22,396 --> 00:09:25,108
[ Sighs ]
You saved my ass, bro.
218
00:09:25,108 --> 00:09:27,527
Happy to do it.
219
00:09:27,527 --> 00:09:29,403
Hey, everybody!
220
00:09:29,403 --> 00:09:34,033
A toast to all my pals
who are here this evening.
221
00:09:34,033 --> 00:09:36,202
And especially
my friend Dan.
222
00:09:36,202 --> 00:09:38,579
I haven't seen this guy
for 50 years,
223
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:41,666
and the first thing he does
is hit me up for six large.
224
00:09:41,666 --> 00:09:44,836
Can you believe the stones
on this guy?
225
00:09:44,836 --> 00:09:45,878
Huh?
226
00:09:45,878 --> 00:09:47,922
Well, cheers!
227
00:09:47,922 --> 00:09:50,133
[ All murmuring ]
228
00:09:50,133 --> 00:09:53,010
That was for Roseanne,
jackass.
229
00:09:53,010 --> 00:09:54,095
♪♪
230
00:09:56,973 --> 00:09:58,808
What the hell, Smitty?
231
00:09:58,808 --> 00:10:01,435
You loaned me that money
just to humiliate me?
232
00:10:01,435 --> 00:10:03,187
I thought you were okay
with the whole Roseanne thing.
233
00:10:03,187 --> 00:10:04,897
I thought I was.
234
00:10:04,897 --> 00:10:07,275
Till I got here and everybody
started laughing,
235
00:10:07,275 --> 00:10:10,027
remembering how I took
Roseanne to homecoming
236
00:10:10,027 --> 00:10:11,070
and you went home
with her.
237
00:10:11,070 --> 00:10:13,239
That was 50 years ago!
238
00:10:13,239 --> 00:10:16,033
You humiliated me, man.
239
00:10:16,033 --> 00:10:17,451
Payback's a bitch.
240
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:18,870
You know what's gonna be
a bitch
241
00:10:18,870 --> 00:10:20,121
is putting your nose
back into place.
242
00:10:20,121 --> 00:10:21,455
Hey, Dan --
Ah.
243
00:10:21,455 --> 00:10:24,584
Always the big, tough jock,
right, Dan?
244
00:10:24,584 --> 00:10:25,918
Folks, listen up.
245
00:10:25,918 --> 00:10:28,504
Anybody got a beef
with Conner here?
246
00:10:28,504 --> 00:10:30,882
'Cause I got two grand
for anybody
247
00:10:30,882 --> 00:10:32,425
who'll take my place
in a fight.
248
00:10:34,594 --> 00:10:35,887
Hey, Danny.
249
00:10:35,887 --> 00:10:37,847
Bobo?
250
00:10:39,557 --> 00:10:42,685
What do you and your fat wife
think of my new hat?
251
00:10:42,685 --> 00:10:43,227
[ Laughs ]
252
00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:50,902
[ Thud ]
253
00:10:50,902 --> 00:10:52,236
I'll fight him for free.
254
00:10:53,404 --> 00:10:56,616
I just offered you
$2,000.
255
00:10:56,616 --> 00:11:00,161
This is why poor people
never get anywhere.
256
00:11:00,161 --> 00:11:02,038
Had my jaw wired shut
for three months.
257
00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:03,456
I don't need your money.
258
00:11:03,456 --> 00:11:05,208
I'm not gonna fight you.
259
00:11:05,208 --> 00:11:06,667
This is between me
and Smitty.
260
00:11:06,667 --> 00:11:08,419
Well, then you're gonna
stand there
261
00:11:08,419 --> 00:11:10,421
while I punch you
like you sucker-punched me.
262
00:11:10,421 --> 00:11:13,007
Uh, Dan, you --
you cannot do any fighting.
263
00:11:13,007 --> 00:11:15,885
Oh, I never walked away
from one yet.
264
00:11:15,885 --> 00:11:17,136
Just hold this.
265
00:11:17,136 --> 00:11:18,888
With all the anti-coagulants
I got in me,
266
00:11:18,888 --> 00:11:20,556
I don't want to bleed
all over it.
267
00:11:20,556 --> 00:11:22,808
Whoa, Dan.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
268
00:11:22,808 --> 00:11:25,561
We're all here to honor
Mrs. Willens.
269
00:11:25,561 --> 00:11:27,521
This isn't how you do it.
270
00:11:27,521 --> 00:11:29,482
First off, I remember
your rap sheet
271
00:11:29,482 --> 00:11:31,817
from when I was a cop,
and you don't need this.
272
00:11:31,817 --> 00:11:33,778
No, ma'am, I don't.
273
00:11:35,363 --> 00:11:37,573
Louise, take Dan home
before something happens
274
00:11:37,573 --> 00:11:39,242
that everybody's
gonna regret.
275
00:11:39,242 --> 00:11:42,036
Come on, Dan.
It's not worth it.
276
00:11:42,036 --> 00:11:44,413
You know what?
Yeah, I took Roseanne home!
277
00:11:44,413 --> 00:11:46,374
And we had 45 good years
together!
278
00:11:48,209 --> 00:11:50,795
Then I married this woman.
We're gonna have 45 more!
279
00:11:50,795 --> 00:11:53,214
[ Exhales sharply ]
God forbid.
280
00:11:53,214 --> 00:11:56,884
♪♪
281
00:11:56,884 --> 00:11:58,386
Hey, can we talk
for a second?
282
00:11:58,386 --> 00:11:59,929
Sure.
283
00:11:59,929 --> 00:12:04,100
Uh, I know when we talked
about me moving in with you,
284
00:12:04,100 --> 00:12:07,061
we decided on
a couple years.
285
00:12:07,061 --> 00:12:10,064
I was wondering
what your definition is
286
00:12:10,064 --> 00:12:13,109
of "a couple years."
287
00:12:13,109 --> 00:12:17,697
Not one, not three.
288
00:12:17,697 --> 00:12:19,782
You're in college.
You got this, right?
289
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:21,826
[ Sighs ]
290
00:12:21,826 --> 00:12:25,204
Look, I might have to live
with you and Ben longer.
291
00:12:25,204 --> 00:12:26,998
I want to be
an addiction counselor,
292
00:12:26,998 --> 00:12:29,458
which requires
a master's,
293
00:12:29,458 --> 00:12:33,879
so I'm gonna have to live
with you for four years.
294
00:12:33,879 --> 00:12:37,049
It's just a couple,
but two of them.
295
00:12:39,093 --> 00:12:40,303
Wow.
296
00:12:40,303 --> 00:12:42,013
Four years.
297
00:12:42,013 --> 00:12:43,931
I mean,
I was fine with two,
298
00:12:43,931 --> 00:12:46,642
but waiting to be alone with Ben
that long is asking a lot.
299
00:12:46,642 --> 00:12:48,227
I know.
300
00:12:48,227 --> 00:12:49,812
But you were the one
who encouraged me
301
00:12:49,812 --> 00:12:52,982
to go back to school and --
and make the most of my life.
302
00:12:52,982 --> 00:12:55,735
Yeah, and I'm happy that
you found a direction in life,
303
00:12:55,735 --> 00:12:57,570
but I have to
start mine, too.
304
00:12:57,570 --> 00:13:00,197
I mean, what if you need
two more years after that?
305
00:13:00,197 --> 00:13:01,824
And then two more years?
306
00:13:01,824 --> 00:13:04,702
And then I'm stuck with you
for God knows how long?
307
00:13:04,702 --> 00:13:06,245
Right? I mean, that's what
we did to Mom and Dad,
308
00:13:06,245 --> 00:13:07,747
so I do know
how it works.
309
00:13:10,541 --> 00:13:15,296
Do you think I like having
to ask you to stay longer?
310
00:13:15,296 --> 00:13:18,716
I hate that I got so far
off track,
311
00:13:18,716 --> 00:13:21,344
but now I finally know
what I want to do with my life,
312
00:13:21,344 --> 00:13:23,471
and it's the only way
I can do that.
313
00:13:23,471 --> 00:13:24,680
Well, I get it,
314
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:29,101
but it's gotta be fair
for me and Ben, too, right?
315
00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:31,687
I'm sorry.
Forget I asked.
316
00:13:33,105 --> 00:13:35,941
♪♪
317
00:13:38,361 --> 00:13:41,655
Look, look, I-I know you don't
want to talk about this,
318
00:13:41,655 --> 00:13:43,407
but I feel terrible.
319
00:13:43,407 --> 00:13:45,993
I never should've told that guy
our financial stuff.
320
00:13:45,993 --> 00:13:48,496
It's not your fault.
321
00:13:48,496 --> 00:13:49,914
Man, I should've
just ripped that check up
322
00:13:49,914 --> 00:13:51,082
and threw it in his face.
323
00:13:51,082 --> 00:13:52,666
I don't know.
324
00:13:52,666 --> 00:13:55,252
I would've lit it on fire
and shoved it down his throat.
325
00:13:55,252 --> 00:13:58,714
Now we're just quibbling about
differences in approach.
326
00:13:58,714 --> 00:13:59,840
It's not on you, Dan.
327
00:13:59,840 --> 00:14:01,425
The guy set you up.
328
00:14:01,425 --> 00:14:03,052
No.
329
00:14:03,052 --> 00:14:06,639
I set myself up
by needing the money.
330
00:14:06,639 --> 00:14:09,266
Maybe i-- if I'd have
worked harder
331
00:14:09,266 --> 00:14:10,851
or done something different
with my life.
332
00:14:10,851 --> 00:14:12,103
Oh.
333
00:14:12,103 --> 00:14:14,021
Oh, come on, honey, no.
334
00:14:14,021 --> 00:14:15,606
Everybody feels like that.
335
00:14:15,606 --> 00:14:17,691
Not Smitty.
336
00:14:17,691 --> 00:14:22,571
No, we both came from the same
circumstance, and he won.
337
00:14:22,571 --> 00:14:25,116
He got everything he wanted
out of life, and I didn't.
338
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:28,702
Yeah, we've already dodged
two fights tonight,
339
00:14:28,702 --> 00:14:30,371
so I'm not gonna
take that personally.
340
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:34,959
♪♪
341
00:14:34,959 --> 00:14:36,627
Look, I love my family,
342
00:14:36,627 --> 00:14:39,004
but I do not want them all
at the house.
343
00:14:39,004 --> 00:14:40,589
I just want to be with you.
344
00:14:40,589 --> 00:14:42,508
I don't mind if they visit,
345
00:14:42,508 --> 00:14:44,593
but I look forward
to standing in the doorway
346
00:14:44,593 --> 00:14:46,971
and waving and saying,
"Take care. Drive safely,"
347
00:14:46,971 --> 00:14:50,266
and then triple-locking
that door.
348
00:14:50,266 --> 00:14:53,102
And Becky comments every time
I take a drink.
349
00:14:53,102 --> 00:14:54,103
Can you imagine
when she's studying
350
00:14:54,103 --> 00:14:55,437
to be an addiction
counselor?
351
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:57,356
Ben: Oh, yeah.
It's gonna be impossible.
352
00:14:57,356 --> 00:15:01,360
She'll be all like, uh,
"Ben, that beer will not heal
353
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:04,780
the wounded child
inside of you."
354
00:15:04,780 --> 00:15:06,532
No, but it'll knock
that little sucker out
355
00:15:06,532 --> 00:15:08,159
long enough for me
to get hammered.
356
00:15:08,159 --> 00:15:11,036
[ Laughs ]
357
00:15:11,036 --> 00:15:13,205
Hey, how about this?
358
00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:16,417
We save part of Becky's rent --
don't tell her --
359
00:15:16,417 --> 00:15:18,794
and then, in two years,
we give it back to her
360
00:15:18,794 --> 00:15:20,379
so she can move out
when she planned?
361
00:15:20,379 --> 00:15:22,173
We can't do that.
I don't have a job.
362
00:15:22,173 --> 00:15:23,174
We need that money.
363
00:15:23,174 --> 00:15:24,592
Oh, you're gonna get a job.
364
00:15:24,592 --> 00:15:26,886
But in two years,
will you really be able
365
00:15:26,886 --> 00:15:29,138
to just toss her out
into the street?
366
00:15:29,138 --> 00:15:32,433
No, that's why
you're gonna do it.
367
00:15:32,433 --> 00:15:34,602
And I'm gonna say,
"Ben, what are you doing?
368
00:15:34,602 --> 00:15:36,896
That's my sister,
and I love her."
369
00:15:38,856 --> 00:15:41,483
Or...
370
00:15:41,483 --> 00:15:43,944
We give it to her
to save.
371
00:15:43,944 --> 00:15:46,780
No. She'll just blow it
buying Beverly Rose
372
00:15:46,780 --> 00:15:49,867
a diamond tiara to go with
her brand-new Uggs.
373
00:15:51,493 --> 00:15:54,288
Alright. Maybe we can
keep it a secret,
374
00:15:54,288 --> 00:15:55,789
but we should say something
375
00:15:55,789 --> 00:15:58,751
so she's not worried about it
the whole time.
376
00:15:58,751 --> 00:16:01,921
Hey, Becky, come down here
for a sec!
377
00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:03,172
Okay.
We'll keep the money a secret?
378
00:16:03,172 --> 00:16:06,467
Yeah, now that I think about it,
I love the idea.
379
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:09,011
We hand her the cash,
we look super generous,
380
00:16:09,011 --> 00:16:11,639
she's indebted to us forever
for absolutely no reason.
381
00:16:16,352 --> 00:16:18,687
Listen, I am really sorry
about last night.
382
00:16:18,687 --> 00:16:20,940
It's okay.
You were right.
383
00:16:20,940 --> 00:16:23,817
It's my problem, and I have
two years to figure out
384
00:16:23,817 --> 00:16:26,320
where I'll be living.
385
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:29,365
I think things
are gonna be okay.
386
00:16:30,616 --> 00:16:31,909
I hope so.
387
00:16:31,909 --> 00:16:37,539
All I'm saying is,
one way or another,
388
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:42,503
I know you will be fine.
389
00:16:42,503 --> 00:16:45,297
Look, I let you
off the hook.
390
00:16:45,297 --> 00:16:48,092
You don't need to make yourself
feel better by saying
391
00:16:48,092 --> 00:16:50,094
I'm absolutely
gonna be fine.
392
00:16:50,094 --> 00:16:52,680
No, I never said you were
absolutely gonna be fine.
393
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:56,267
I said I have a very,
very good feeling.
394
00:16:56,267 --> 00:16:58,310
You don't know!
395
00:16:58,310 --> 00:17:00,437
I could end up
in a refrigerator box
396
00:17:00,437 --> 00:17:03,107
behind a dumpster,
fighting rats for French fries!
397
00:17:03,107 --> 00:17:04,316
No, I do know!
I --
398
00:17:04,316 --> 00:17:06,151
Ben and I decided
to save some of the rent
399
00:17:06,151 --> 00:17:07,444
and give it back to you
so you can move out
400
00:17:07,444 --> 00:17:09,405
after two years.
[ Sighs ]
401
00:17:09,405 --> 00:17:11,782
Really?
Surprise.
402
00:17:13,951 --> 00:17:15,327
I think it's great that
you're gonna help people.
403
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,621
Oh, thank you!
404
00:17:17,621 --> 00:17:20,666
And once I get a job,
I will pay back every penny!
405
00:17:20,666 --> 00:17:21,834
Mm.
406
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:26,088
Here.
Oh, thanks.
407
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:28,882
Someone's on their second beer
of the afternoon.
408
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:34,680
♪♪
409
00:17:34,680 --> 00:17:36,724
Ray: Thank you all
for coming.
410
00:17:36,724 --> 00:17:38,976
Some of you may remember
an assignment
411
00:17:38,976 --> 00:17:40,853
that my wife gave you
where she asked you
412
00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:43,272
to write a letter
to your future selves.
413
00:17:43,272 --> 00:17:46,275
These were meant
for your 60th reunion,
414
00:17:46,275 --> 00:17:49,570
but the Lord rang the bell
and ended her school day,
415
00:17:49,570 --> 00:17:51,030
so please read them now.
416
00:17:53,198 --> 00:17:55,242
Wow.
417
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:57,745
It's addressed
to "Mrs. Donny Osmond."
418
00:18:01,248 --> 00:18:03,917
"I know the Mormons have
accepted you,
419
00:18:03,917 --> 00:18:06,211
and right now,
you're probably recovering
420
00:18:06,211 --> 00:18:10,215
from your whirlwind tour
of Asia with the guys.
421
00:18:10,215 --> 00:18:14,261
All the people in school
who never noticed you
422
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:16,013
are gonna regret it.
423
00:18:16,013 --> 00:18:19,224
Please remember the teenager
who promised herself that,
424
00:18:19,224 --> 00:18:23,187
no matter how rich
she became...
425
00:18:23,187 --> 00:18:24,772
she'd never
help her mother."
426
00:18:28,108 --> 00:18:30,986
That's touching.
427
00:18:30,986 --> 00:18:34,031
"Dear future self,
you had a rough year,
428
00:18:34,031 --> 00:18:36,367
but things
are turning around.
429
00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:38,994
You're now president
of the Junior Achievers Club,
430
00:18:38,994 --> 00:18:41,747
and once you get a girlfriend,
everything will be perfect.
431
00:18:41,747 --> 00:18:44,249
But don't go after
Louise Goldufsky.
432
00:18:44,249 --> 00:18:47,419
I think she's gonna end up
in the roller derby anyway
433
00:18:47,419 --> 00:18:48,879
and be out of your league."
434
00:18:51,173 --> 00:18:53,258
What? You looked like
a roller-derby queen.
435
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:55,969
Yeah, I kinda do.
436
00:18:59,890 --> 00:19:04,728
Uh, "Dear Dan, I know you're all
freaked out about the future,
437
00:19:04,728 --> 00:19:07,981
but you're gonna play D-line
in the NFL, so don't sweat it.
438
00:19:07,981 --> 00:19:11,026
It's easy for a Hall of Famer
to get a job.
439
00:19:11,026 --> 00:19:14,947
Just be good at what you do,
find a woman who loves you,
440
00:19:14,947 --> 00:19:18,867
and raise a family where you're
always there for your kids.
441
00:19:18,867 --> 00:19:21,036
Not like our dad.
442
00:19:21,036 --> 00:19:24,748
Be a stand-up guy, and that's
all you need to be successful.
443
00:19:24,748 --> 00:19:29,169
Oh, yeah, and get
a cool motorcycle."
444
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:32,005
I did it.
445
00:19:32,005 --> 00:19:34,258
I did that.
446
00:19:34,258 --> 00:19:35,718
I even got the bike
in the garage.
447
00:19:35,718 --> 00:19:39,054
And you never know
when the NFL is gonna call.
448
00:19:39,054 --> 00:19:41,682
Hey, Smitty,
I just realized --
449
00:19:41,682 --> 00:19:45,185
You didn't win.
I did.
450
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:47,604
I am a success in everything
that matters.
451
00:19:47,604 --> 00:19:48,731
And I don't need
your money.
452
00:19:48,731 --> 00:19:50,065
[ Check ripping ]
453
00:19:50,065 --> 00:19:51,650
I'll figure it out.
454
00:19:51,650 --> 00:19:52,776
I always have.
455
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:57,823
Took a lot of guts
to do that.
456
00:19:57,823 --> 00:19:59,366
Yeah, well,
that's who I am.
457
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:02,369
Also, I cashed his check
this morning.
458
00:20:02,369 --> 00:20:04,163
That was a $2 rebate
from the cable company.
459
00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:05,330
♪♪
460
00:20:11,003 --> 00:20:14,590
You look really familiar.
461
00:20:15,591 --> 00:20:17,801
Excuse me?
462
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:19,011
I know you, right?
463
00:20:19,011 --> 00:20:21,180
Oh.
I'm the King of Chlorine.
464
00:20:21,180 --> 00:20:23,599
You probably saw one of
my late-night commercials.
465
00:20:23,599 --> 00:20:25,184
Oh! Oh, yeah!
466
00:20:25,184 --> 00:20:26,518
Those commercials
kind of suck,
467
00:20:26,518 --> 00:20:28,645
and you're too old
to be wearing a Speedo, dude.
468
00:20:31,356 --> 00:20:32,775
What the hell do you want,
Smitty?
469
00:20:32,775 --> 00:20:33,859
Dan, I know I told you
470
00:20:33,859 --> 00:20:36,487
I wouldn't notice
if I gave you $6,000,
471
00:20:36,487 --> 00:20:38,447
but I did notice when
the bank cleared the check.
472
00:20:38,447 --> 00:20:39,823
Look, look, look.
473
00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:42,117
We could either stand here
and fight about what you did
474
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:44,787
or what I did,
or you can come in here,
475
00:20:44,787 --> 00:20:49,166
say hello to the family
you could've had.
476
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:52,002
I-I-I'm not here
for the money, Dan.
477
00:20:52,002 --> 00:20:54,588
I'm here to apologize.
478
00:20:54,588 --> 00:20:55,964
This may surprise you,
479
00:20:55,964 --> 00:20:58,675
but my rash behavior
has cost me a lot of friends.
480
00:20:58,675 --> 00:21:00,052
It's the Speedo,
dude.
481
00:21:00,052 --> 00:21:03,430
People are embarrassed
to be seen with you.
482
00:21:03,430 --> 00:21:07,059
Oh, come on.
Deep down, he's a good guy.
483
00:21:07,059 --> 00:21:09,812
Just nobody wants to dig
that far.
484
00:21:09,812 --> 00:21:11,897
Now that I don't have
to pay you back,
485
00:21:11,897 --> 00:21:13,065
you will always
have a friend here.
486
00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:14,274
[ Chuckles ]
487
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,901
I-I'm sorry,
I can't forgive you
488
00:21:15,901 --> 00:21:17,945
for what you did
to my dad.
489
00:21:17,945 --> 00:21:20,364
However, if your hospital has
an opening in mid-management,
490
00:21:20,364 --> 00:21:22,157
I can switch allegiances
in a heartbeat.
491
00:21:24,034 --> 00:21:25,327
She really can.
492
00:21:26,870 --> 00:21:29,164
-- Captions by VITAC --