1 00:00:01,794 --> 00:00:04,556 [bluesy harmonica music] 2 00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:07,731 - I like it, but I am curious, 3 00:00:07,731 --> 00:00:09,802 why are we doing Monday night dinner tradition 4 00:00:09,837 --> 00:00:10,803 all of the sudden? 5 00:00:10,838 --> 00:00:12,391 - Everybody's really busy, 6 00:00:12,460 --> 00:00:14,221 and I thought connecting over dinner would be 7 00:00:14,290 --> 00:00:15,774 a nice way to start the week. 8 00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:18,708 - And I got a deal on meat. 9 00:00:18,777 --> 00:00:20,192 I found out the market doesn't 10 00:00:20,227 --> 00:00:22,056 throw away expired meat on the weekends 11 00:00:22,056 --> 00:00:23,540 'cause there's no trash pickup. 12 00:00:23,540 --> 00:00:25,577 Once you're in the know, 13 00:00:25,646 --> 00:00:28,235 you ask the butcher on Monday morning, 14 00:00:28,235 --> 00:00:30,306 and you get it for half price. 15 00:00:31,652 --> 00:00:35,759 - So we're basically beating the beef to the dumpster? 16 00:00:35,828 --> 00:00:39,211 - Pfft. There's no way it's beef at this price. 17 00:00:39,246 --> 00:00:41,248 - Hey, look at all the dessert we got 18 00:00:41,317 --> 00:00:44,320 at the day-old bakery outlet. 19 00:00:44,354 --> 00:00:47,771 - Oh, that's perfect. Dad's serving day-old beef. 20 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:50,257 - So listen, I have to talk to everybody 21 00:00:50,257 --> 00:00:51,568 about Mark's graduation. 22 00:00:51,603 --> 00:00:54,088 They are only giving three tickets to family, 23 00:00:54,157 --> 00:00:55,538 so I'm really sorry, it's just gonna be 24 00:00:55,572 --> 00:00:57,057 me, Ben, and Harris. - Aww. 25 00:00:57,091 --> 00:00:58,265 - Well, since you brought it up, 26 00:00:58,334 --> 00:00:59,990 there's only room for five people in my will, 27 00:01:00,025 --> 00:01:01,854 so Mark's out. 28 00:01:03,339 --> 00:01:05,236 - We're all out. There's no room 29 00:01:05,272 --> 00:01:06,997 because of the bank, the mortgage company, 30 00:01:07,032 --> 00:01:09,069 Capital One, and the very generous 31 00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:13,107 but unwise people at BevMo! who let you open a tab. 32 00:01:13,107 --> 00:01:15,765 - Well, whether we go to the ceremony or not, 33 00:01:15,799 --> 00:01:18,561 we've gotta do something special for Mark's graduation-- 34 00:01:18,595 --> 00:01:20,977 like surprise party? - Yeah. 35 00:01:21,045 --> 00:01:22,771 - Well, I have time to organize the thing. 36 00:01:22,771 --> 00:01:24,049 I'll do it. 37 00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:26,120 I'll just need help decorating The Lunch Box. 38 00:01:26,189 --> 00:01:27,604 - The Lunch Box? 39 00:01:27,639 --> 00:01:29,295 We go there almost every day of our lives. 40 00:01:29,295 --> 00:01:30,297 How is that special? 41 00:01:30,297 --> 00:01:31,988 - Hey, a lot of... 42 00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:35,578 important family moments have taken place at The Lunch Box. 43 00:01:35,612 --> 00:01:38,027 I mean, sure, I had a nervous breakdown there once 44 00:01:38,063 --> 00:01:39,616 when it was a Chinese restaurant. 45 00:01:39,616 --> 00:01:41,652 And, uh, of course, 46 00:01:41,652 --> 00:01:44,138 Roseanne got mugged there. 47 00:01:44,207 --> 00:01:45,829 - And when you took it over, 48 00:01:45,898 --> 00:01:47,590 it basically tore the family apart. 49 00:01:47,624 --> 00:01:49,971 - Oh, don't forget, that's why you slapped me. 50 00:01:49,971 --> 00:01:52,215 - Yep, yeah. Thank you. 51 00:01:52,250 --> 00:01:55,080 So what... 52 00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:57,013 what was my point again? 53 00:01:57,082 --> 00:02:01,017 - That The Lunch Box is a black hole of tragedy. 54 00:02:01,017 --> 00:02:03,951 But it's free. So that's where we'll do it. 55 00:02:03,985 --> 00:02:05,332 - Hey. - [gasps] 56 00:02:05,401 --> 00:02:07,057 Oh, my God, I forgot I was supposed 57 00:02:07,092 --> 00:02:08,507 to pick you up from school. 58 00:02:08,507 --> 00:02:10,406 - Ah, that's okay. He called me, I picked him up. 59 00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:12,166 We had a lot of fun talking smack about you 60 00:02:12,166 --> 00:02:14,341 the whole way home. 61 00:02:14,341 --> 00:02:15,756 Well, go on, tell 'em your news, dude! 62 00:02:15,790 --> 00:02:18,793 - I ended up with the highest GPA in the Honor Society, 63 00:02:18,828 --> 00:02:20,726 so I get to speak at graduation. 64 00:02:20,761 --> 00:02:23,764 [all cheer] 65 00:02:23,798 --> 00:02:25,524 - Huh, how 'bout this guy? 66 00:02:25,593 --> 00:02:27,802 - You speaking in front of 400 students 67 00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:29,252 is quite an honor. 68 00:02:29,287 --> 00:02:30,943 Can't wait to read about it in the paper. 69 00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:33,531 - I'm sorry, Grandpa. 70 00:02:33,601 --> 00:02:34,671 I know there's not enough seats. 71 00:02:34,740 --> 00:02:36,017 - No, this is awful. 72 00:02:36,086 --> 00:02:38,606 Grandpa, I know how important it is 73 00:02:38,641 --> 00:02:41,506 for you to be there, and I have a ticket, so... 74 00:02:41,540 --> 00:02:44,164 let's start the bidding at $25. 75 00:02:45,372 --> 00:02:47,270 - Sorry, um, 76 00:02:47,305 --> 00:02:49,478 I'm actually gonna need your ticket too. 77 00:02:49,514 --> 00:02:51,516 Dad called. He's coming. 78 00:02:55,899 --> 00:02:58,454 - Well, he sure didn't mention that on the way home. 79 00:02:59,696 --> 00:03:02,699 [bluesy rock music] 80 00:03:02,699 --> 00:03:09,775 ♪ 81 00:03:20,234 --> 00:03:21,408 - "The Conners" is filmed 82 00:03:21,408 --> 00:03:23,064 in front of a live studio audience. 83 00:03:23,064 --> 00:03:24,583 - This is weird. 84 00:03:24,652 --> 00:03:27,724 Why would Dad suddenly show up after four years? 85 00:03:27,759 --> 00:03:28,829 - I think we should embrace this. 86 00:03:28,863 --> 00:03:30,727 Let's welcome him into our home 87 00:03:30,762 --> 00:03:32,728 and poison him with your dumpster meat. 88 00:03:34,041 --> 00:03:35,870 - He's not gonna show up anyway. 89 00:03:35,905 --> 00:03:37,769 He's just gonna flake like he always does. 90 00:03:37,769 --> 00:03:39,978 - Yeah, and Mark will be crushed if that happens. 91 00:03:40,012 --> 00:03:41,151 I don't like any of this. 92 00:03:41,186 --> 00:03:42,601 You know, I gotta talk to David. 93 00:03:42,670 --> 00:03:44,845 - Whoa, whoa, whoa, just be careful. 94 00:03:44,879 --> 00:03:47,261 You know, the bond between a son and a father 95 00:03:47,329 --> 00:03:49,608 is very complicated. 96 00:03:49,677 --> 00:03:52,404 Luckily, I've worked through all the emotional garbage 97 00:03:52,439 --> 00:03:54,786 I had with my dad. 98 00:03:54,855 --> 00:03:57,098 Well, I'm gonna go get some tequila from the garage 99 00:03:57,098 --> 00:03:59,618 and do... 100 00:03:59,687 --> 00:04:03,104 do some double shots for... 101 00:04:03,104 --> 00:04:04,520 no reason at all. 102 00:04:06,004 --> 00:04:07,557 - You see the damage 103 00:04:07,592 --> 00:04:09,214 a crappy father can do? 104 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:11,112 And this is so David. 105 00:04:11,181 --> 00:04:12,804 He just goes through these phases 106 00:04:12,804 --> 00:04:15,047 where he thinks he can show up and make good, 107 00:04:15,082 --> 00:04:17,326 and then he can't bear the idea of people confronting him 108 00:04:17,394 --> 00:04:20,570 about being an absent father, and he runs away again. 109 00:04:20,605 --> 00:04:23,193 [sighs] You know what? I--I gotta text him. 110 00:04:23,228 --> 00:04:24,367 - I'm with Ben. 111 00:04:24,402 --> 00:04:26,645 For Mark's sake, just try and be cool. 112 00:04:26,645 --> 00:04:28,129 - Yeah, of course. 113 00:04:29,752 --> 00:04:32,893 The emoji that looks like frozen yogurt 114 00:04:32,927 --> 00:04:34,377 but it's brown and has eyes, 115 00:04:34,412 --> 00:04:36,345 that's what I think it is, right? 116 00:04:38,726 --> 00:04:43,144 - So no pressure, Louise, but if David doesn't show, 117 00:04:43,179 --> 00:04:46,355 this surprise party has to be so good that Mark forgets 118 00:04:46,355 --> 00:04:48,564 about his heartbreaking relationship with his father 119 00:04:48,598 --> 00:04:49,909 who abandoned him once again. 120 00:04:49,944 --> 00:04:54,363 So I'm thinking photo booth. 121 00:04:55,502 --> 00:04:56,675 - Oh, perfect. 122 00:04:56,675 --> 00:04:59,159 That way he can take a picture like this. 123 00:04:59,159 --> 00:05:01,956 This is where my dad should've been. 124 00:05:01,991 --> 00:05:04,027 - Okay, what's your bright idea? 125 00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:06,961 - We should take him on a limo ride. 126 00:05:06,996 --> 00:05:09,032 - Yeah, we should spend a hundred bucks 127 00:05:09,032 --> 00:05:11,621 so he can stick his head out a moonroof and yell, 128 00:05:11,656 --> 00:05:13,589 "Whoo-hoo! Class of '23! 129 00:05:13,623 --> 00:05:16,419 I have no friends and my mom's a lunch lady!" 130 00:05:17,627 --> 00:05:20,009 - You know what they say, pitch, don't bitch. 131 00:05:20,009 --> 00:05:21,113 What've you got? 132 00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:24,013 - Well, I think he'd prefer a DJ 133 00:05:24,047 --> 00:05:26,705 and a couple of food trucks outside the house. 134 00:05:26,705 --> 00:05:28,362 There. I pitched, bitch. 135 00:05:28,431 --> 00:05:30,985 - No, no, no. 136 00:05:31,020 --> 00:05:33,540 - All right, look, if I'm gonna do this, 137 00:05:33,609 --> 00:05:36,681 you are gonna all have to agree on at least one thing. 138 00:05:36,715 --> 00:05:38,717 Otherwise it's gonna be a mess. 139 00:05:38,717 --> 00:05:42,376 - I've got an idea that'll make everybody happy: 140 00:05:42,376 --> 00:05:44,344 a pinball machine. 141 00:05:46,518 --> 00:05:49,556 - Okay, we're hosting this party at my restaurant, 142 00:05:49,625 --> 00:05:51,627 and I want the photo booth. 143 00:05:51,661 --> 00:05:54,595 You only graduate once, and a photo booth is a way 144 00:05:54,595 --> 00:05:57,736 to commemorate this milestone with the people that you love. 145 00:05:57,805 --> 00:06:01,050 Without it, it's like it never even happened. 146 00:06:01,084 --> 00:06:03,466 I'm gonna get drunk with Ben in the garage! 147 00:06:05,019 --> 00:06:08,851 [bluesy harmonica music] 148 00:06:08,885 --> 00:06:10,404 - I just talked to Dad. 149 00:06:10,473 --> 00:06:12,164 He said you texted him and tried to talk him out 150 00:06:12,199 --> 00:06:13,511 of coming to my graduation? 151 00:06:13,545 --> 00:06:16,479 - No, I told him not to promise he was coming 152 00:06:16,514 --> 00:06:18,585 if there was any chance he was gonna bail. 153 00:06:18,654 --> 00:06:21,381 And I also told him a nice graduation present 154 00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:24,004 for you would be a toaster because ours is not wide enough 155 00:06:24,038 --> 00:06:25,695 to take bagels, thank you. 156 00:06:27,007 --> 00:06:28,595 - What were you thinking? 157 00:06:28,595 --> 00:06:31,598 Whether Dad comes or not is none of your business. 158 00:06:31,598 --> 00:06:32,599 I want him there. 159 00:06:32,599 --> 00:06:34,255 - Since when is it so important 160 00:06:34,255 --> 00:06:35,325 to you to have him around? 161 00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:36,430 - Now. 162 00:06:36,430 --> 00:06:38,777 This is my first big milestone in life. 163 00:06:38,846 --> 00:06:40,158 He left when I was a little kid, 164 00:06:40,192 --> 00:06:42,022 and I wanna know my father. 165 00:06:42,056 --> 00:06:44,334 And you don't know what's gonna happen this time. 166 00:06:44,369 --> 00:06:45,612 Maybe he's changed. 167 00:06:45,681 --> 00:06:48,442 - [sighs] Honey, you-- you sound just like I did 168 00:06:48,511 --> 00:06:50,271 my entire relationship with him. 169 00:06:50,271 --> 00:06:52,101 I've known him for 30 years, 170 00:06:52,170 --> 00:06:53,827 and he never changes. 171 00:06:55,069 --> 00:06:57,347 - What's the common denominator there? 172 00:06:57,382 --> 00:06:58,728 You. 173 00:06:58,763 --> 00:07:00,730 Maybe you're creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. 174 00:07:00,765 --> 00:07:02,525 You're the one who's scaring him off. 175 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,424 - Wh--how am I scaring him off? 176 00:07:04,458 --> 00:07:05,804 - He probably knows that if he comes, 177 00:07:05,873 --> 00:07:07,254 you're gonna point out every single thing 178 00:07:07,288 --> 00:07:08,393 he's ever done wrong. 179 00:07:08,428 --> 00:07:09,946 - Sometimes it's good to summarize. 180 00:07:09,981 --> 00:07:11,292 It helps people remember. 181 00:07:13,709 --> 00:07:14,917 - You're already blaming him 182 00:07:14,951 --> 00:07:16,815 for something he hasn't even done. 183 00:07:16,884 --> 00:07:19,128 You're the one who's ruining my day. 184 00:07:19,162 --> 00:07:21,164 You know, I'm old enough to take care of myself now, 185 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:23,719 so why don't you just back off and let me. 186 00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:26,618 ♪ 187 00:07:28,586 --> 00:07:30,657 - [imitating horn] 188 00:07:30,657 --> 00:07:32,106 Your man is home from the hunt. 189 00:07:32,141 --> 00:07:34,246 Oh, you should've been there. 190 00:07:34,281 --> 00:07:37,249 I came face-to-face with two double cheeseburgers, 191 00:07:37,284 --> 00:07:38,457 and I bagged 'em. 192 00:07:40,494 --> 00:07:41,737 - No fries? 193 00:07:41,771 --> 00:07:43,152 - Well, they tried to make a run for it, 194 00:07:43,186 --> 00:07:45,844 but I trapped 'em with my stomach. 195 00:07:45,844 --> 00:07:47,087 How's the party coming along? 196 00:07:47,121 --> 00:07:48,675 - It's impossible. 197 00:07:48,675 --> 00:07:50,573 Why is this family so casual 198 00:07:50,608 --> 00:07:52,368 about having no health insurance, 199 00:07:52,437 --> 00:07:55,957 but they cannot live without a DJ and a photo booth? 200 00:07:55,992 --> 00:07:58,685 - Just do what you think is right. 201 00:07:58,685 --> 00:08:00,997 And get a pinball machine. 202 00:08:00,997 --> 00:08:02,689 - I'm serious, Dan. 203 00:08:02,689 --> 00:08:04,691 This is about celebrating Mark. 204 00:08:04,691 --> 00:08:08,349 Everybody already had their big graduation moments. 205 00:08:08,349 --> 00:08:10,213 - Not really. 206 00:08:10,282 --> 00:08:12,319 Becky quit school, ran away, and got married, 207 00:08:12,353 --> 00:08:14,079 so she just got her GED. 208 00:08:14,114 --> 00:08:16,116 Same thing with Harris. 209 00:08:16,150 --> 00:08:17,289 They never did the walk. 210 00:08:17,324 --> 00:08:19,706 - Well, I'm sure Jackie did. 211 00:08:19,775 --> 00:08:22,502 - Yeah, but her parents never showed up at her graduation. 212 00:08:22,536 --> 00:08:24,504 She was crushed. 213 00:08:24,538 --> 00:08:27,230 So Roseanne and I had to act like the proud parents. 214 00:08:27,230 --> 00:08:30,337 When Jackie crossed the stage, Roseanne gets up and yells, 215 00:08:30,371 --> 00:08:32,650 "That's my baby girl! 216 00:08:32,683 --> 00:08:36,205 Go conquer the world and get Mama an RV!" 217 00:08:38,034 --> 00:08:39,553 - Wow. 218 00:08:39,553 --> 00:08:41,003 What happened at your graduation? 219 00:08:41,037 --> 00:08:42,280 - Oh, same thing. 220 00:08:42,313 --> 00:08:44,075 My parents blew it off too. 221 00:08:44,075 --> 00:08:46,146 The said the diploma was just a piece of paper, 222 00:08:46,180 --> 00:08:47,561 and they weren't gonna miss work for that. 223 00:08:47,561 --> 00:08:48,838 - Oh, God. 224 00:08:48,873 --> 00:08:50,184 Didn't that bother you? 225 00:08:50,219 --> 00:08:51,910 - Yeah, but I knew I was pretty low 226 00:08:51,910 --> 00:08:53,463 on their list of priorities. 227 00:08:53,498 --> 00:08:55,638 So me and my buddies just went down 228 00:08:55,673 --> 00:08:57,053 to the arcade and played pinball. 229 00:08:57,122 --> 00:08:58,607 - Uh-huh. 230 00:08:58,676 --> 00:09:01,437 So that's why that pinball machine is so important to you? 231 00:09:01,506 --> 00:09:04,164 - Yeah, those guys were like family to me. 232 00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:06,097 Then we drank too much and started hitting each other, 233 00:09:06,097 --> 00:09:08,513 so maybe too much like family. 234 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:11,240 - Wow. Your life sounds like Dickens. 235 00:09:11,309 --> 00:09:12,379 But dark. 236 00:09:12,413 --> 00:09:14,864 Anyway, I'm starting to understand 237 00:09:14,899 --> 00:09:16,901 why everybody is getting so triggered 238 00:09:16,935 --> 00:09:19,697 about what they wanna have at Mark's party. 239 00:09:19,731 --> 00:09:20,870 I think I know what to do now. 240 00:09:20,905 --> 00:09:22,631 - Oh, good! 241 00:09:22,700 --> 00:09:25,703 Here's the number of the place that rents pinball machines. 242 00:09:25,737 --> 00:09:28,188 [bluesy harmonica music] 243 00:09:28,222 --> 00:09:29,603 - Hey. 244 00:09:29,672 --> 00:09:31,087 - Hey. Food's ready. 245 00:09:31,156 --> 00:09:32,779 - Ooh. 246 00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:34,504 Hey, now that you're a lunch lady, 247 00:09:34,539 --> 00:09:35,782 am I gonna have the honor of seeing 248 00:09:35,782 --> 00:09:39,233 your professional serving skills? 249 00:09:39,268 --> 00:09:42,961 - I don't know, are you ready for a face full of hot corn? 250 00:09:42,961 --> 00:09:45,101 Now you get to serve it, hardware boy. 251 00:09:46,447 --> 00:09:50,106 - Okay, you're weaponizing corn. 252 00:09:50,141 --> 00:09:52,108 What's going on with you? 253 00:09:52,177 --> 00:09:54,145 - [sighs] It's Mark. 254 00:09:54,145 --> 00:09:56,043 He's so anxious for his dad, 255 00:09:56,078 --> 00:09:58,149 who's never done anything but disappoint him, 256 00:09:58,218 --> 00:10:00,738 to be at his graduation, that now I'm the enemy. 257 00:10:00,772 --> 00:10:03,982 - I told you, there's nothing you can do about this. 258 00:10:04,051 --> 00:10:06,571 It's classic--you blame the parent you're with. 259 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:08,159 - I know, but it isn't fair. 260 00:10:08,228 --> 00:10:09,781 - I get that this is tough, 261 00:10:09,816 --> 00:10:12,439 but, you know, Mark's a man now, 262 00:10:12,473 --> 00:10:15,131 and he's gonna have to work through this without you. 263 00:10:15,131 --> 00:10:16,823 - But he's not a man. 264 00:10:16,892 --> 00:10:19,273 He's my little butterfly. 265 00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:24,969 - Well, we may be honing in on the problem here. 266 00:10:26,591 --> 00:10:29,836 Hey, we both know that David's gonna screw up. 267 00:10:29,836 --> 00:10:33,736 And Mark's gonna have to learn the hard lesson. 268 00:10:33,771 --> 00:10:36,394 And then we'll pick up the pieces. 269 00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:37,464 You know? 270 00:10:37,498 --> 00:10:39,397 That's our job, right? 271 00:10:39,431 --> 00:10:40,640 - Yes. 272 00:10:41,813 --> 00:10:43,573 You're a nice man. 273 00:10:43,608 --> 00:10:45,506 I'm sorry I threatened you with corn. 274 00:10:45,575 --> 00:10:46,784 - [chuckles] 275 00:10:48,337 --> 00:10:52,168 - Now can you please take this pot pie to Mark? 276 00:10:52,168 --> 00:10:54,584 - Yes. - And... 277 00:10:54,619 --> 00:10:57,484 please talk to him about wearing black socks 278 00:10:57,518 --> 00:10:58,934 for his graduation speech. 279 00:10:58,968 --> 00:11:01,143 I do not want to see white socks 280 00:11:01,177 --> 00:11:03,214 between his black shoes and his black pants. 281 00:11:03,283 --> 00:11:05,043 It screams, "I have a checked-out mom, 282 00:11:05,043 --> 00:11:07,011 and I'm about to moonwalk across the stage." 283 00:11:11,636 --> 00:11:13,051 - Hey, Mark, why don't you come on out, buddy? 284 00:11:13,120 --> 00:11:14,535 I got some dinner for us. 285 00:11:14,604 --> 00:11:17,297 - I'm not hungry. - Oh, come on. 286 00:11:17,331 --> 00:11:21,542 Hey, your vegan mom cooked you some chicken, okay? 287 00:11:21,542 --> 00:11:23,027 I even heard her whispering, 288 00:11:23,061 --> 00:11:25,546 "I'm sorry that everybody ate your kids for breakfast 289 00:11:25,615 --> 00:11:27,307 "and now Mark's gonna eat you. 290 00:11:27,341 --> 00:11:28,998 "And women should support women, 291 00:11:29,033 --> 00:11:30,966 so I feel really bad about this." 292 00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:32,381 [chuckles] 293 00:11:32,415 --> 00:11:34,555 - Oh, my God, just slide it under the sheet. 294 00:11:34,590 --> 00:11:37,697 - Oh, no, come on out here and eat with me. 295 00:11:37,731 --> 00:11:39,629 Come on, we can watch "Guardians of the Galaxy 2," 296 00:11:39,664 --> 00:11:41,528 get ready for "Guardians 3." 297 00:11:41,562 --> 00:11:43,426 Going out on a limb here, but I'm gonna say 298 00:11:43,426 --> 00:11:45,325 that they're gonna be guarding a galaxy. 299 00:11:47,258 --> 00:11:48,535 - Do you think they'll be battling 300 00:11:48,569 --> 00:11:51,503 intergalactic monsters like my mother? 301 00:11:51,538 --> 00:11:53,436 - Come on. 302 00:11:53,505 --> 00:11:56,370 I know you're just mad 'cause your mom talked to David, 303 00:11:56,405 --> 00:11:59,063 but she's just trying to protect you. 304 00:11:59,097 --> 00:12:00,064 - [scoffs] - Huh? 305 00:12:00,098 --> 00:12:01,410 You get that, right? 306 00:12:01,444 --> 00:12:02,860 - Of course you're on Mom's side. 307 00:12:02,894 --> 00:12:04,931 - Whoa, hey, hold on. 308 00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:07,036 I'm not on anyone's side. 309 00:12:07,071 --> 00:12:09,107 You don't have to get so defensive. 310 00:12:09,107 --> 00:12:10,557 - Why would I be defensive? 311 00:12:10,591 --> 00:12:13,042 A guy who's not my dad comes in here 312 00:12:13,077 --> 00:12:15,010 and wants to give his opinion on my actual dad. 313 00:12:15,044 --> 00:12:17,564 - Hey, hey, don't talk to Ben like that. 314 00:12:17,598 --> 00:12:20,670 - Wait, hang on. I am not giving any opinions. 315 00:12:20,705 --> 00:12:22,362 I am just bringing you dinner 316 00:12:22,396 --> 00:12:23,915 and trying to watch a movie with you. 317 00:12:23,950 --> 00:12:25,883 I--I don't wanna talk about your dad. 318 00:12:25,917 --> 00:12:28,437 - Good, because it's not your place. 319 00:12:28,506 --> 00:12:29,887 You don't even know him. 320 00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:35,064 - No one knows him, Mark, 321 00:12:35,099 --> 00:12:36,859 because he's never around. 322 00:12:38,309 --> 00:12:41,243 If he was, I wouldn't be the one coaxing you 323 00:12:41,277 --> 00:12:43,797 into eating dinner so we can get some food into you 324 00:12:43,797 --> 00:12:45,454 while you take shots at me! 325 00:12:45,488 --> 00:12:47,490 Oh, and your mother has a message. 326 00:12:47,490 --> 00:12:50,148 Don't wear white socks with your black suit 327 00:12:50,217 --> 00:12:52,254 'cause it looks like you're gonna get your diploma 328 00:12:52,288 --> 00:12:54,463 and break into "Billie Jean"! 329 00:12:58,294 --> 00:13:00,158 - What is his problem? 330 00:13:00,158 --> 00:13:02,885 I just want my dad at my high school graduation. 331 00:13:02,920 --> 00:13:04,576 Everyone else has that. Why can't I? 332 00:13:04,611 --> 00:13:05,992 - Oh, my God, 333 00:13:06,061 --> 00:13:09,409 you stupid, sweet, awful boy. 334 00:13:09,443 --> 00:13:12,826 Maybe Ben's problem is that you keep going on and on 335 00:13:12,895 --> 00:13:15,484 about this romanticized version of your father 336 00:13:15,518 --> 00:13:17,244 that's gonna show up and fix everything 337 00:13:17,279 --> 00:13:19,074 when you've already got a guy right here 338 00:13:19,108 --> 00:13:20,661 who shows up and fixes everything. 339 00:13:20,661 --> 00:13:22,008 It's so hurtful to Ben. 340 00:13:22,008 --> 00:13:23,733 - I know Ben does a lot around here. 341 00:13:23,768 --> 00:13:26,012 - No, you have no idea. 342 00:13:26,081 --> 00:13:28,324 He totally carried us when I was unemployed. 343 00:13:28,393 --> 00:13:29,774 He built this house. 344 00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,845 You wouldn't be living in an undefined area 345 00:13:31,914 --> 00:13:34,192 with a window seat where we were gonna keep books 346 00:13:34,192 --> 00:13:36,298 if it wasn't for him. 347 00:13:36,332 --> 00:13:39,094 He is the reason that you're going to college. 348 00:13:39,128 --> 00:13:41,199 - No, he's not. You were the one who decided 349 00:13:41,268 --> 00:13:43,512 to take the lunch lady job so I could get free tuition. 350 00:13:43,581 --> 00:13:45,652 - No, I was going to keep my job 351 00:13:45,686 --> 00:13:48,586 at the can company because we needed the money. 352 00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,554 But Ben talked me out of it. 353 00:13:51,554 --> 00:13:53,453 I knew that all the pressure would be on him, 354 00:13:53,487 --> 00:13:56,456 but he insisted because he knew that it was the only way 355 00:13:56,490 --> 00:13:58,285 I could afford to send you to college. 356 00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:00,909 So pull your head out of your butterfly butt, 357 00:14:00,909 --> 00:14:05,292 and look around and realize what this man has done for you. 358 00:14:08,019 --> 00:14:10,125 - Now I feel like an idiot. 359 00:14:14,301 --> 00:14:20,238 - Look, your dad may or may not be at your graduation. 360 00:14:20,238 --> 00:14:22,344 And I'm really sorry about that. 361 00:14:22,378 --> 00:14:23,966 But you can count on one thing. 362 00:14:24,001 --> 00:14:26,693 Ben is gonna be there. 363 00:14:26,727 --> 00:14:27,901 Okay? 364 00:14:27,901 --> 00:14:29,972 So I guess the point I'm trying to make, 365 00:14:30,007 --> 00:14:31,422 without beating it to death, 366 00:14:31,491 --> 00:14:34,804 is do not wear white socks to your graduation! 367 00:14:34,839 --> 00:14:37,117 ♪ 368 00:14:39,154 --> 00:14:41,397 - It really is... 369 00:14:41,466 --> 00:14:44,469 everything, everywhere, 370 00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:47,576 all at once. 371 00:14:47,576 --> 00:14:49,578 I have no idea what's going on. 372 00:14:52,132 --> 00:14:53,409 - Hey. 373 00:14:53,444 --> 00:14:55,446 I'm glad you all are here, because I wanna read 374 00:14:55,515 --> 00:14:57,344 the beginning of my graduation speech. 375 00:14:57,379 --> 00:14:59,001 And since some of you aren't gonna be there tomorrow, 376 00:14:59,036 --> 00:15:00,071 I wanna get your opinions. 377 00:15:00,106 --> 00:15:01,348 - Well, I'm gonna go get something 378 00:15:01,383 --> 00:15:02,902 from the kitchen and let you guys do this. 379 00:15:02,936 --> 00:15:04,938 - No. I'd really like 380 00:15:04,938 --> 00:15:06,733 to hear what you think of it. 381 00:15:06,767 --> 00:15:08,045 - Sure, fine. 382 00:15:10,564 --> 00:15:12,670 - [clears throat] 383 00:15:12,704 --> 00:15:15,121 Hi, I'm Mark Conner. 384 00:15:15,121 --> 00:15:17,261 I'm the acting president for Lanford's chapter 385 00:15:17,295 --> 00:15:18,918 of the National Honor Society 386 00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,367 while President Lewis is recovering 387 00:15:20,402 --> 00:15:21,921 from a stress-related illness. 388 00:15:23,474 --> 00:15:25,752 We hope the shingles clear up before picture day. 389 00:15:26,856 --> 00:15:28,375 All of us are here tonight 390 00:15:28,410 --> 00:15:30,446 because we achieved something special. 391 00:15:30,481 --> 00:15:31,861 We're graduating high school. 392 00:15:31,896 --> 00:15:34,105 But we certainly didn't do it alone. 393 00:15:34,140 --> 00:15:35,935 So I'd like to use my speech time 394 00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,040 to honor the people who made big sacrifices 395 00:15:38,075 --> 00:15:40,422 in order for me to be up here. 396 00:15:40,456 --> 00:15:42,700 First I'd like to talk about my dad. 397 00:15:42,734 --> 00:15:44,150 - All right, come on, man. 398 00:15:44,219 --> 00:15:46,911 Look, I understand you feel the need to do this, 399 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,223 but let me just step out. 400 00:15:48,257 --> 00:15:50,052 - Please, just listen. 401 00:15:50,087 --> 00:15:51,915 - [sighs] 402 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,574 - Even though he hasn't been around for most of my life, 403 00:15:54,608 --> 00:15:56,817 it wasn't his fault. 404 00:15:56,852 --> 00:15:59,820 Ben Olinsky didn't meet my mom until I was 11. 405 00:15:59,889 --> 00:16:01,477 Ben, would you please stand up? 406 00:16:03,307 --> 00:16:04,825 - He got me. 407 00:16:06,586 --> 00:16:08,139 He totally got me. 408 00:16:09,347 --> 00:16:11,763 - A dad isn't just your DNA. 409 00:16:11,798 --> 00:16:13,420 It's someone who stands up for you 410 00:16:13,455 --> 00:16:14,974 and is there when you're struggling 411 00:16:15,008 --> 00:16:17,459 to finish a paper at midnight and you want a bowl of cereal, 412 00:16:17,493 --> 00:16:19,979 but there's no milk, so he goes out and gets you some. 413 00:16:20,013 --> 00:16:21,428 - [chuckles] 414 00:16:21,463 --> 00:16:22,671 I did that. 415 00:16:24,086 --> 00:16:26,433 Almond milk--I had to go to two stores. 416 00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:31,680 - And when it's cold, he picks you up from work 417 00:16:31,714 --> 00:16:34,096 so you don't have to walk home. 418 00:16:34,131 --> 00:16:35,995 He's just always there, 419 00:16:36,029 --> 00:16:38,998 and that's what a dad does. 420 00:16:39,032 --> 00:16:42,104 Um, and then I say some nice stuff about Mom, 421 00:16:42,139 --> 00:16:43,795 bring down the house with cool quotes 422 00:16:43,830 --> 00:16:45,038 from Aristotle and Morrissey, 423 00:16:45,107 --> 00:16:46,453 and I'm done. 424 00:16:48,490 --> 00:16:49,767 What do you think? 425 00:16:51,458 --> 00:16:52,632 - That was perfect. 426 00:16:59,328 --> 00:17:01,813 Um, is there any way 427 00:17:01,848 --> 00:17:05,540 that you could mention the hardware store 428 00:17:05,576 --> 00:17:09,718 and how we have new Sunday hours? 429 00:17:10,891 --> 00:17:13,066 - If he's gonna mention the hardware store, 430 00:17:13,066 --> 00:17:14,723 he should mention The Lunch Box. 431 00:17:14,791 --> 00:17:16,137 Right? Am I right? 432 00:17:16,173 --> 00:17:18,037 I mean, that's fair. Am I right? 433 00:17:19,175 --> 00:17:22,213 - Ah, well, I need a minute. [groans] 434 00:17:22,248 --> 00:17:24,077 - I can't wait till you go off to college 435 00:17:24,146 --> 00:17:26,355 and everybody can stop loving you so much. 436 00:17:32,085 --> 00:17:36,262 - Uh, Mark... 437 00:17:36,331 --> 00:17:38,402 it's gonna be rough 438 00:17:38,436 --> 00:17:40,749 for your dad to sit there and hear that. 439 00:17:40,818 --> 00:17:42,751 - He won't have to. 440 00:17:42,785 --> 00:17:44,856 I texted Dad and told him not to come. 441 00:17:44,891 --> 00:17:47,066 - Really? 442 00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:49,792 Ah, I think I went overboard pressuring you. 443 00:17:49,792 --> 00:17:51,277 I hope you didn't do that for me. 444 00:17:51,346 --> 00:17:53,624 - No. I did it for me. 445 00:17:53,693 --> 00:17:55,626 I told him, if he really wants to see me, 446 00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:58,387 we can get together in a couple weeks. 447 00:17:58,422 --> 00:18:02,426 I wanted the graduation just to be family. 448 00:18:02,495 --> 00:18:04,048 - Wow. 449 00:18:05,912 --> 00:18:08,432 That is really, really great, Mark. 450 00:18:10,123 --> 00:18:14,679 So how much of this speech is about Ben, 451 00:18:14,714 --> 00:18:17,234 and how much is about me? 452 00:18:17,268 --> 00:18:19,891 I mean, I don't need to count lines or anything. 453 00:18:19,926 --> 00:18:22,687 I would like to take a look at it. 454 00:18:22,722 --> 00:18:25,552 [bluesy harmonica music] 455 00:18:25,587 --> 00:18:27,106 - Wow. 456 00:18:27,140 --> 00:18:28,900 You kick me out of my place to decorate, 457 00:18:28,935 --> 00:18:31,317 I come back, and the one thing-- 458 00:18:31,317 --> 00:18:33,457 the one thing I asked for, 459 00:18:33,491 --> 00:18:35,804 a freakin' photo booth! 460 00:18:37,461 --> 00:18:40,464 - And I noticed there was no limo outside. 461 00:18:40,498 --> 00:18:41,948 One day he'll turn 48, 462 00:18:41,982 --> 00:18:45,572 and he'll have never been in a limo, not once. 463 00:18:45,607 --> 00:18:47,402 - We're married. 464 00:18:48,679 --> 00:18:51,613 I thought I'd at least get a pinball machine. 465 00:18:51,647 --> 00:18:52,924 What the hell, baby? 466 00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:56,031 - [huffs] Okay. 467 00:18:56,100 --> 00:18:58,792 After the party, I'm gonna get an Uber Black, 468 00:18:58,827 --> 00:19:00,829 and I'm taking you all to an arcade, 469 00:19:00,898 --> 00:19:02,831 where they have pinball machines 470 00:19:02,900 --> 00:19:04,488 and photo booths. 471 00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:05,937 And then we're gonna hit a bar, 472 00:19:05,972 --> 00:19:08,802 where they have a DJ and lots of food trucks outside. 473 00:19:08,837 --> 00:19:12,323 And then maybe you whiny brats will be happy. 474 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,155 - So this is what you thought Mark would want? 475 00:19:16,189 --> 00:19:17,811 - Ah, let's ask him. 476 00:19:17,846 --> 00:19:20,504 Mark? 477 00:19:20,538 --> 00:19:21,815 - Surprise. 478 00:19:21,850 --> 00:19:23,679 Happy graduation, everybody. 479 00:19:23,714 --> 00:19:25,129 - What're you talking about? 480 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,994 - Everybody please put on your caps and gowns. 481 00:19:28,028 --> 00:19:29,858 It will become clear in a moment. 482 00:19:29,927 --> 00:19:31,722 - Uh, what's going on? 483 00:19:31,791 --> 00:19:35,346 - I think it's graduation everywhere all at once. 484 00:19:36,658 --> 00:19:39,557 - I told Mark all your sad graduation stories. 485 00:19:39,557 --> 00:19:42,388 Please, sit down. 486 00:19:42,457 --> 00:19:43,458 - Thank you. 487 00:19:46,668 --> 00:19:48,532 - We agreed that you all missed out 488 00:19:48,566 --> 00:19:50,568 on an important milestone in a person's life, 489 00:19:50,568 --> 00:19:52,501 and you weren't celebrated the way you should've been. 490 00:19:52,536 --> 00:19:56,781 - So welcome to the high school graduations 491 00:19:56,816 --> 00:19:59,543 of 2019, 492 00:19:59,612 --> 00:20:02,408 1993, 493 00:20:02,477 --> 00:20:05,963 1973, 494 00:20:05,997 --> 00:20:08,517 and 1970. 495 00:20:08,552 --> 00:20:11,900 - [gasps] [cheers and laughter] 496 00:20:11,900 --> 00:20:14,178 - Wow. Nice glasses, Dan. 497 00:20:14,213 --> 00:20:16,698 I guess you took the snorkel off for the picture. 498 00:20:18,147 --> 00:20:21,427 ["Pomp and Circumstance" playing] 499 00:20:21,427 --> 00:20:23,222 Becky Conner, 500 00:20:23,256 --> 00:20:24,913 Harris Conner-Healy, 501 00:20:24,982 --> 00:20:26,397 will you please rise. 502 00:20:27,916 --> 00:20:30,436 - Because your graduations were just getting your GEDs 503 00:20:30,505 --> 00:20:32,092 in the mail, you never got to do the walk 504 00:20:32,161 --> 00:20:34,094 in front of your proud family. 505 00:20:34,094 --> 00:20:36,511 Please come up and accept your diplomas. 506 00:20:36,545 --> 00:20:39,548 [cheers and applause] 507 00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:46,935 - Whoo-hoo! 508 00:20:46,969 --> 00:20:50,283 We're 18, we're moving out, and we're never looking back! 509 00:20:50,283 --> 00:20:51,940 - Yeah, see you never, suckers! 510 00:20:52,009 --> 00:20:53,321 - Whoo! 511 00:20:54,218 --> 00:20:55,184 - Would Jackie Harris please-- 512 00:20:55,219 --> 00:20:57,532 - [shrieks] 513 00:20:57,566 --> 00:20:59,844 Don't trust anybody over 30-- 514 00:20:59,879 --> 00:21:00,983 until you're 30. 515 00:21:01,052 --> 00:21:03,227 And then judge everyone individually 516 00:21:03,262 --> 00:21:04,815 after you've gotten to know them well enough. 517 00:21:04,815 --> 00:21:07,196 Thank you all for coming to my graduation. 518 00:21:07,231 --> 00:21:09,129 This means the world to me. 519 00:21:09,129 --> 00:21:11,718 [cheers and laughter] 520 00:21:11,753 --> 00:21:14,203 - And finally, Dan Conner. 521 00:21:14,238 --> 00:21:16,344 - Aye-o! - Thank you, thank you. 522 00:21:16,344 --> 00:21:20,486 I had to make some of you to have family at my graduation. 523 00:21:20,555 --> 00:21:22,419 But it was worth it. 524 00:21:22,453 --> 00:21:24,835 Wow, you're way hotter than the battle-ax 525 00:21:24,835 --> 00:21:28,839 that handed me my diploma the first time and said, 526 00:21:28,839 --> 00:21:31,807 "Glad I'll never have to see your face again, Conner." 527 00:21:31,807 --> 00:21:33,084 - [laughs] 528 00:21:33,119 --> 00:21:34,051 - Thank you. Thank you, thank you. 529 00:21:34,085 --> 00:21:36,605 - Even with getting no support, 530 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:38,089 you finished school, 531 00:21:38,124 --> 00:21:40,506 set a good example for your kids, 532 00:21:40,575 --> 00:21:42,749 and created a loving environment 533 00:21:42,784 --> 00:21:46,339 where they could all graduate in their 40s. 534 00:21:46,374 --> 00:21:48,790 - I didn't know I did all that, but I'll take credit for it. 535 00:21:48,824 --> 00:21:51,655 - That's my dad! 536 00:21:51,689 --> 00:21:54,658 - Congratulations, and best of luck in the future. 537 00:21:54,692 --> 00:21:56,349 You are now all graduates. 538 00:21:56,349 --> 00:21:57,695 [all cheer] 539 00:21:57,764 --> 00:21:59,904 - Stop that. Those are rentals. 540 00:22:03,529 --> 00:22:06,117 chorus: ♪ See you 541 00:22:06,152 --> 00:22:10,639 ♪ In September 542 00:22:10,674 --> 00:22:13,539 ♪ See you 543 00:22:13,539 --> 00:22:17,301 ♪ When the summer's through 544 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,131 - ♪ Here we are chorus: ♪ Bye, baby, goodbye 545 00:22:20,166 --> 00:22:22,789 - ♪ Saying goodbye at the station ♪ 546 00:22:22,824 --> 00:22:24,550 chorus: ♪ Bye, baby, goodbye 547 00:22:24,550 --> 00:22:27,449 - ♪ Summer vacation chorus: ♪ Bye, baby 548 00:22:27,484 --> 00:22:29,037 [child giggles]