1 00:00:00,959 --> 00:00:03,420 [blues music] 2 00:00:05,047 --> 00:00:06,965 - Mark, can I come in? 3 00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:07,966 - Sure. 4 00:00:07,966 --> 00:00:09,092 Let me just unlock the sheet. 5 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,059 - When are you going to stop using your bassoon case 6 00:00:17,059 --> 00:00:18,352 as a backpack and tell Mom 7 00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:20,354 you didn't get the orchestra seat? 8 00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:21,813 - I gotta wait. 9 00:00:21,813 --> 00:00:23,273 I mean, when's the right time to tell her that 10 00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,775 I'm not getting a music scholarship, 11 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:26,026 and I'm going to spend the rest of my life living 12 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,527 in her window seat? 13 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:31,490 - You got a nice view of the street. 14 00:00:31,490 --> 00:00:32,950 - Yeah. 15 00:00:32,950 --> 00:00:34,326 Last night some guy watched "Beetlejuice" with me 16 00:00:34,326 --> 00:00:35,953 through the window. 17 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,704 He seemed okay, except for the shopping cart 18 00:00:37,704 --> 00:00:40,541 full of mannequin arms. 19 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,793 - You're going to have to tell Mom about it sooner or later. 20 00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,503 - I know, but I-- 21 00:00:44,503 --> 00:00:45,921 it's a no-win scenario. 22 00:00:45,921 --> 00:00:47,214 I can either make a good day bad, 23 00:00:47,214 --> 00:00:48,590 or a bad day worse. 24 00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,634 - Or you could make your news not seem so bad 25 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:53,220 by waiting until something worse happens. 26 00:00:53,220 --> 00:00:55,472 I mean, you're friends with a homeless arm collector. 27 00:00:55,472 --> 00:00:57,266 It should happen any day now. 28 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:00,477 - Okay, I heard a car pull up. 29 00:01:00,477 --> 00:01:01,561 Everybody get ready. 30 00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,479 Come on, come on. 31 00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:07,276 - Surprise! 32 00:01:07,276 --> 00:01:08,360 - Ah! 33 00:01:09,695 --> 00:01:11,572 - You're not Aunt Darlene. 34 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:14,825 - Oh! 35 00:01:14,825 --> 00:01:16,952 [cheering, laughing] 36 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,372 - Wow, thank you. 37 00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:21,790 I haven't had anything in my eyes all day. 38 00:01:21,790 --> 00:01:23,458 - Yeah. 39 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,002 There would have been more, but the kid blew it. 40 00:01:26,253 --> 00:01:27,963 - Uncle Ben let me drink coffee. 41 00:01:27,963 --> 00:01:29,673 I can't stop moving. 42 00:01:30,924 --> 00:01:32,759 - You did what? 43 00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:35,387 - You know, she's sluggish in the morning. 44 00:01:35,387 --> 00:01:37,931 - This is so sweet. 45 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:40,350 But I can't tell if that sign is sarcastic. 46 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:43,437 - Always assume that it is. 47 00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,564 - Hey, check out the new work badge. 48 00:01:45,564 --> 00:01:47,649 They put a smile on you. 49 00:01:47,649 --> 00:01:50,861 It's amazing what these new camera filters can do. 50 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:53,071 - No, it's not a filter. 51 00:01:53,071 --> 00:01:54,740 That's my actual smile. 52 00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:56,366 I'm happy. - All right. 53 00:01:56,366 --> 00:01:58,035 So you had a good day? - Yeah, yeah. 54 00:01:58,035 --> 00:01:59,828 And thank you for being patient while I looked 55 00:01:59,828 --> 00:02:01,955 for another management job. - Ahh. 56 00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,165 Hey, you hear that, ulcer? 57 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:05,167 It was worth it. 58 00:02:05,167 --> 00:02:06,835 - I never thought my self-esteem was 59 00:02:06,835 --> 00:02:09,171 tied up in my job, but I do love having 60 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:11,089 that sign on my door again. 61 00:02:11,089 --> 00:02:12,341 - Wait. Does it say "women," 62 00:02:12,341 --> 00:02:13,675 and there are a lot of other people 63 00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:15,844 doing their business in there? 64 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,346 - No, it's really great. 65 00:02:17,346 --> 00:02:19,389 And the other thing-- that's not all. 66 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:22,267 I'm having them take 5% out of every paycheck 67 00:02:22,267 --> 00:02:23,810 'cause I want to save up and buy you a car, 68 00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:25,062 so you can drive home and visit. 69 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:33,153 - Um, actually, 70 00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,572 slippers will be fine, 'cause I'll just be 71 00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,740 right over there. 72 00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:39,534 - What are you talking about? 73 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:43,372 - The other kid got the orchestra seat. 74 00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:46,083 I'm not getting a scholarship. 75 00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:49,169 I'm not going to college. 76 00:02:51,588 --> 00:02:53,423 - Why didn't you tell me? 77 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,758 - You--you've just been under so much pressure 78 00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:55,842 with everything lately. 79 00:02:55,842 --> 00:02:57,552 I didn't want to pile on. 80 00:02:57,552 --> 00:02:59,888 - In Mark's defense, he has put a lot of effort 81 00:02:59,888 --> 00:03:01,306 into lying to you. 82 00:03:03,392 --> 00:03:05,435 - I'm sorry I ruined your day. 83 00:03:05,435 --> 00:03:07,354 - No. No, don't worry. 84 00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:10,190 Listen, we will figure something out, okay? 85 00:03:15,612 --> 00:03:17,239 [sighs] 86 00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:18,573 - Poor kid. 87 00:03:18,573 --> 00:03:19,991 - Think you're going to be able to put aside 88 00:03:19,991 --> 00:03:21,576 enough from your new job? 89 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,661 - No. 90 00:03:22,661 --> 00:03:24,454 I have no idea what I'm going to do. 91 00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:26,289 - Well, my ulcer has a new friend-- 92 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:27,707 [inhales sharply] 93 00:03:27,707 --> 00:03:29,126 Chest pain. 94 00:03:30,669 --> 00:03:33,672 [blues music] 95 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:40,720 ♪ ♪ 96 00:03:51,731 --> 00:03:53,066 - The Conners is recorded in front 97 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:54,985 of a live studio audience. 98 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:56,611 - Hey. 99 00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:58,113 You know, I never want to give you a hard time 100 00:03:58,113 --> 00:03:59,906 about how you dress at work, but lately, 101 00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:01,741 people have started asking 102 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:04,327 if you just got out of the hospital. 103 00:04:04,327 --> 00:04:06,788 - Oh, that explains the increase in tips 104 00:04:06,788 --> 00:04:10,083 and the woman who said, "I hope you beat this thing." 105 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:11,960 I've been so tired lately. 106 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,087 I'm really not trying to win a beauty contest. 107 00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,464 - I know. But all I'm saying is, 108 00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,424 this place is full of guys. 109 00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:19,468 You might be able to meet somebody here, you know, 110 00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:21,052 if you put on some real clothes, 111 00:04:21,052 --> 00:04:22,304 and if your hair didn't look like 112 00:04:22,304 --> 00:04:25,265 it was combed by a wolf paw. 113 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,267 - I'm doing fine. 114 00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,519 I got all the guys on "Love Island." 115 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,521 And if I'm in the mood for a bad boy, 116 00:04:31,521 --> 00:04:33,106 I've got "Love After Lockup." 117 00:04:35,233 --> 00:04:37,319 - You've got to do something 118 00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:38,904 to get Becky back out there, 119 00:04:38,904 --> 00:04:40,530 because she's too young to be giving up. 120 00:04:41,531 --> 00:04:43,116 - Yeah. 121 00:04:43,116 --> 00:04:44,868 We've got to help her boost her confidence. 122 00:04:44,868 --> 00:04:46,828 You know, I did this for my drummer 123 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:49,664 when he was feeling unattractive after losing 124 00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:51,333 the middle of his nose to cocaine. 125 00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,546 Just tell her that you found this on the counter. 126 00:04:56,546 --> 00:04:59,257 - "This is for the hot blonde waitress. 127 00:04:59,257 --> 00:05:02,260 "I wish I had the nerve to tell you how beautiful you are. 128 00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,554 I'm certainly not here for the food." 129 00:05:04,554 --> 00:05:06,389 Hey! 130 00:05:06,389 --> 00:05:08,683 - Trying to keep it real. Come on. 131 00:05:08,683 --> 00:05:10,310 - Becky. 132 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,270 Hey, I found this on the counter. 133 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:13,522 I think it's for you. 134 00:05:13,522 --> 00:05:14,272 - Oh. 135 00:05:15,941 --> 00:05:17,567 Oh, wow. 136 00:05:17,567 --> 00:05:19,486 That is so sweet. 137 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:20,987 - Right? Look at that. 138 00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:23,198 And you weren't even trying. - Right? 139 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:27,077 If I find this guy, I'll never have to clean myself up again. 140 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,286 Do you think he's still here? 141 00:05:28,286 --> 00:05:30,121 - Um, probably not. 142 00:05:30,121 --> 00:05:32,082 He--he sounds like he's pretty shy. 143 00:05:32,082 --> 00:05:33,917 I-I'm sure he left. 144 00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,794 - Well, you don't know that for sure. 145 00:05:35,794 --> 00:05:39,089 Ugh, I hope he's one of the cute ones. 146 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:40,048 Right. 147 00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,053 Wedding ring. 148 00:05:45,053 --> 00:05:46,930 Wedding ring. 149 00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:48,390 Wedding ring. 150 00:05:49,724 --> 00:05:52,185 Hi. 151 00:05:52,185 --> 00:05:55,355 Uh, I think you might have dropped something. 152 00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:57,065 - Not me. 153 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:59,401 But it you're looking, I got an El Camino in the parking lot 154 00:05:59,401 --> 00:06:01,152 with a couple of blankets in the back. 155 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:04,030 - But if we started at the fairy tale, 156 00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:06,032 where do we go from there? 157 00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:09,327 Hi. 158 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:12,038 Uh, does this napkin look familiar? 159 00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,373 - Is it claiming to know me? 160 00:06:13,373 --> 00:06:15,667 Because I'm here with a different napkin. 161 00:06:18,211 --> 00:06:19,629 - I might have dropped that napkin. 162 00:06:19,629 --> 00:06:21,006 What did it say? 163 00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,299 - Oh, you know. 164 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,175 It was just some guy trying to hit on me. 165 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,594 - That must happen to you a lot. 166 00:06:25,594 --> 00:06:27,846 - Not as much as you might think. 167 00:06:27,846 --> 00:06:29,347 You want some more coffee? 168 00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,849 - No, I'm okay, thanks. - Okay. 169 00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,854 - You know, uh, for someone who says they're not interested, 170 00:06:35,854 --> 00:06:38,690 you seem pretty interested. - Mm-hmm. 171 00:06:38,690 --> 00:06:41,610 - Yeah, I guess I wouldn't mind meeting someone. 172 00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:44,279 But it's just so much hassle. 173 00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,698 - You don't have to do it alone. 174 00:06:46,698 --> 00:06:49,659 How about Jackie and I take you to the Lobo this weekend? 175 00:06:49,659 --> 00:06:50,952 - Yeah, Lobo. 176 00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,078 It's just like "Love Island." 177 00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,788 All the guys got six-packs. 178 00:06:53,788 --> 00:06:55,665 Just no abs. 179 00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:56,875 [laughter] 180 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,668 [blues music] 181 00:06:58,668 --> 00:07:00,170 - Oh. Hey, kiddo. 182 00:07:00,170 --> 00:07:01,921 I'm sorry to hear about Mark. 183 00:07:01,921 --> 00:07:03,048 I know how much you were counting 184 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,299 on him getting that money. 185 00:07:04,299 --> 00:07:05,675 Can I get you a beer? 186 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:07,093 - No, thanks. 187 00:07:07,093 --> 00:07:09,095 I'm busy looking through these scholarship pamphlets. 188 00:07:09,095 --> 00:07:10,889 - Any luck finding new ones? 189 00:07:10,889 --> 00:07:12,932 - Well, there's a couple of possibilities. 190 00:07:12,932 --> 00:07:15,477 The National Height Society is offering $500 191 00:07:15,477 --> 00:07:18,480 to anyone over 6'2". 192 00:07:18,480 --> 00:07:21,858 - I think they put the money on a high shelf, 193 00:07:21,858 --> 00:07:24,694 and if you can reach it, it's yours. 194 00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,446 - Maybe there's one for young men who dress 195 00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,448 like small-town doctors. 196 00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,534 - [chuckles] Oh, man. 197 00:07:31,534 --> 00:07:33,453 Most of these are only a couple hundred bucks. 198 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,121 You need every one of them to afford college. 199 00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:36,331 - I know. 200 00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:37,832 And these are only his safety schools, 201 00:07:37,832 --> 00:07:39,459 and they're tens of thousands of dollars 202 00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:40,877 more than we can afford. 203 00:07:40,877 --> 00:07:43,254 The ones he hasn't applied to yet are even more. 204 00:07:43,254 --> 00:07:44,714 I just--I don't know how people do this. 205 00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:46,383 - Mm, I know. 206 00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,468 My college roommate's mom had to work at our school 207 00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:51,137 just to get him, like, 50% off his tuition. 208 00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:53,598 - Are you kidding me? 209 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:55,684 That's, like, a thing? - Yeah. Mm-hmm. 210 00:07:55,684 --> 00:07:57,477 - I mean, I guess I could look into jobs 211 00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,896 where Mark's been accepted, just to see what's available. 212 00:07:59,896 --> 00:08:01,106 - Hey, whoa. 213 00:08:01,106 --> 00:08:02,524 I was just riffing. 214 00:08:02,524 --> 00:08:03,858 You just got this job. 215 00:08:03,858 --> 00:08:05,110 - Yeah, I know. 216 00:08:05,110 --> 00:08:06,861 But I don't know how else I'm going 217 00:08:06,861 --> 00:08:08,738 to pay for Mark's tuition. 218 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:09,989 Look, who knows. 219 00:08:09,989 --> 00:08:11,282 Maybe they have a management job that's 220 00:08:11,282 --> 00:08:12,867 as good, or even better. 221 00:08:12,867 --> 00:08:14,327 - Well, hey, look. 222 00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,621 You see this scholarship here offering 10 grand? 223 00:08:16,621 --> 00:08:19,582 National Nudist Benefit Fund. 224 00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,669 Oh, wait. That's a scam. 225 00:08:22,669 --> 00:08:25,380 It says they're holding auditions at the Red Roof Inn. 226 00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,174 - Well, yeah, but then he'd qualify 227 00:08:28,174 --> 00:08:30,677 for this trauma victim scholarship too. 228 00:08:30,677 --> 00:08:32,220 Oh, no. 229 00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:33,722 Also holding auditions at the Red Roof Inn. 230 00:08:33,722 --> 00:08:35,098 - [laughs] 231 00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:36,683 - They need to vet these better. 232 00:08:38,601 --> 00:08:41,438 Thank you for setting up this interview so quickly. 233 00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,898 My son Mark was accepted here, and because you guys have 234 00:08:43,898 --> 00:08:46,109 such a great computer science program, 235 00:08:46,109 --> 00:08:48,236 he's considering coming. 236 00:08:48,236 --> 00:08:51,865 He would make a fantastic, um-- 237 00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:54,409 fighting, like, potato bug? 238 00:08:54,409 --> 00:08:56,536 - It's a boll weevil. 239 00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:58,538 We had to change our mascot last year 240 00:08:58,538 --> 00:09:01,624 because our old one was highly offensive to the Dutch. 241 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:02,959 - Mm. 242 00:09:02,959 --> 00:09:04,836 Well, the point is, I could really 243 00:09:04,836 --> 00:09:06,504 use your tuition benefit. 244 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:08,923 And I'd actually consider leaving my position 245 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:10,842 at Chicago Can, even though the place would probably 246 00:09:10,842 --> 00:09:12,677 fall apart without me. 247 00:09:12,677 --> 00:09:16,097 - It looks like you were only there for one day. 248 00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:19,517 - And I can bring that level of commitment here. 249 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:22,187 - Well, it's an awfully good tuition benefit. 250 00:09:22,187 --> 00:09:24,647 Your son would basically be going here for free. 251 00:09:24,647 --> 00:09:26,191 - Free? 252 00:09:26,191 --> 00:09:29,444 Oh my god, that is fantastic. 253 00:09:29,444 --> 00:09:32,322 And actually, I saw a couple of management jobs 254 00:09:32,322 --> 00:09:34,908 on your website that I would be great for. 255 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,534 - I'm so sorry. 256 00:09:36,534 --> 00:09:38,995 We've been in an executive hiring freeze for a year. 257 00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:40,330 I called you in because you have 258 00:09:40,330 --> 00:09:42,332 food service experience at a casino. 259 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:45,210 - Uh, excuse me? 260 00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:47,879 - We have an opening for a line worker in the cafeteria. 261 00:09:47,879 --> 00:09:50,215 - Uh, you mean like a lunch lady? 262 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,258 - We call it lunch person. 263 00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:55,595 - Um, could you look again? 264 00:09:55,595 --> 00:09:57,597 I mean, there's got to be something else. 265 00:09:57,597 --> 00:09:58,765 - Oh. 266 00:09:58,765 --> 00:10:00,391 Um, well, I didn't see this. 267 00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,727 You also qualify to flush out the blood drains 268 00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,938 in the medical school's cadaver lab. 269 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:10,151 - Is there a blood drain manager? 270 00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,696 - Look, I know you're overqualified for this. 271 00:10:13,696 --> 00:10:16,908 But if you don't want the job, I can't help you. 272 00:10:16,908 --> 00:10:20,411 - Well, "want" isn't really the issue. 273 00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:23,123 All right. 274 00:10:23,123 --> 00:10:24,290 Can I have a night to think about it? 275 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,583 - Yeah, but don't wait too long. 276 00:10:25,583 --> 00:10:27,710 We have a huge wait list of people begging 277 00:10:27,710 --> 00:10:29,212 to get out of the cadaver lab. 278 00:10:30,421 --> 00:10:32,507 - Guess all the zombie TV shows aren't helping you guys. 279 00:10:37,220 --> 00:10:39,347 - We sat at the tables, we danced by the jukebox, 280 00:10:39,347 --> 00:10:41,224 and now we're playing pool 281 00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:44,102 because you said guys would come over. 282 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:46,187 - I think we're playing too well. 283 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,606 If we acted like we didn't know what we were doing, 284 00:10:48,606 --> 00:10:51,818 guys would be swarming over to mansplain this game. 285 00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:53,194 - Yeah, Louise is right. 286 00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:57,824 Oh, this-- this is an impossible shot. 287 00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:01,119 I don't know how I could possibly make this. 288 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,163 - What the hell are you doing? 289 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,956 - I'm trying to get a guy for Becky. 290 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,791 - There's too many of you. 291 00:11:06,791 --> 00:11:08,418 It looks like the two of you are taking 292 00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:11,004 the village idiot out for ladies' night. 293 00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:14,090 - Okay. None of this is happening. 294 00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,426 You all have a nice night. 295 00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,637 I will be at the bar ordering sober mom drinks. 296 00:11:19,637 --> 00:11:23,016 This is why I haven't been trying to find someone. 297 00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:24,642 - There goes the hair. 298 00:11:24,642 --> 00:11:26,144 She's giving up again. 299 00:11:31,191 --> 00:11:32,734 - Becky, right? 300 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,194 Tyler. 301 00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:35,570 You probably don't remember me, 302 00:11:35,570 --> 00:11:37,071 but I watch a lot of basketball at the Lunch Box. 303 00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,615 - Oh, yeah. Hi. 304 00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:39,908 - Hi. 305 00:11:39,908 --> 00:11:41,451 Did you ever find out who that napkin belonged to? 306 00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,328 - Why are you bothering this poor woman? 307 00:11:43,328 --> 00:11:45,788 You don't have to talk to him to be nice. 308 00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:49,375 Unless you can introduce him to a homely friend or something. 309 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,378 - Mom, I told you you could come 310 00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:53,671 if you agreed to sip your Gin Rickey 311 00:11:53,671 --> 00:11:54,964 and do your find-a-word. 312 00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,509 - This is what I get for trying to help you. 313 00:11:58,509 --> 00:12:00,470 Since we're going to be on these stools for a while, 314 00:12:00,470 --> 00:12:02,889 I'm going to go to the car and get my donut. 315 00:12:05,683 --> 00:12:06,976 - I'm really sorry. 316 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:09,604 She just wants me to be happy, 317 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,105 but doesn't realize she can accomplish that 318 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,024 by passing quietly in the night. 319 00:12:13,024 --> 00:12:15,193 - [laughs] No need to apologize. 320 00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:17,820 My family is here embarrassing me too. 321 00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:20,573 You might have noticed my aunt writhing on the pool table. 322 00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:23,660 - My mom saw her. 323 00:12:23,660 --> 00:12:24,869 She said, um, "Try that one. 324 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:26,246 She doesn't look right." 325 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,830 - [laughs] 326 00:12:27,830 --> 00:12:29,415 - They're so lucky. 327 00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,792 They don't have to play these stupid games. 328 00:12:30,792 --> 00:12:31,918 - I hate it too. 329 00:12:31,918 --> 00:12:34,087 I cannot bear the thought of going 330 00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,047 on 100 first dates to find someone 331 00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,049 I actually connect with. 332 00:12:38,049 --> 00:12:39,759 - I wish I could just fast forward-- 333 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,720 be sitting next to my wife at my kid's basketball game, 334 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:44,222 making each other laugh by making 335 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,266 fun of the other parents. - [laughs] 336 00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:48,184 - And then going to Applebee's and splitting two desserts 337 00:12:48,184 --> 00:12:50,645 and pretending it's only half the calories. 338 00:12:50,645 --> 00:12:52,397 - Yeah. 339 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:55,483 Or lying in bed, watching romcoms with the sound down 340 00:12:55,483 --> 00:12:57,360 and making up our own dialogue. 341 00:12:57,360 --> 00:12:58,444 - [chuckles] Yeah. 342 00:12:58,444 --> 00:13:00,071 Like in "When Harry Met Sally." 343 00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:03,074 She could say, uh, "I really love that wagon wheel table." 344 00:13:03,074 --> 00:13:04,367 - Oh, that's a cool table. 345 00:13:04,367 --> 00:13:06,703 - I have that table! 346 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,413 - No, you don't. - I do. 347 00:13:08,413 --> 00:13:09,706 It drives the women wild. 348 00:13:09,706 --> 00:13:11,958 - [laughs] God, I haven't watched 349 00:13:11,958 --> 00:13:13,584 that movie in a long time. 350 00:13:13,584 --> 00:13:15,420 I got to watch it again. - Yeah. 351 00:13:15,420 --> 00:13:18,256 But you got to watch it with someone who gets the table. 352 00:13:19,507 --> 00:13:21,426 - Yeah. 353 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,885 - Hey, Tyler. 354 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,596 My friends left, so I'm ready for that drink now. 355 00:13:25,596 --> 00:13:26,723 - Oh. 356 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,308 Uh-- 357 00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,684 - If I'm not interrupting anything. 358 00:13:29,684 --> 00:13:31,561 - Oh, no, no! 359 00:13:31,561 --> 00:13:34,188 Um, I was just asking how the fries are here. 360 00:13:34,188 --> 00:13:36,149 Uh, please, take my seat. 361 00:13:38,526 --> 00:13:40,153 Go Bulls. 362 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,657 [blues riff] 363 00:13:46,492 --> 00:13:48,202 - Hey! 364 00:13:48,202 --> 00:13:51,956 Becky left this at the bar last night. 365 00:13:51,956 --> 00:13:54,208 - Oh. Well, that's why she's not getting any guys. 366 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:55,626 She sheds. 367 00:13:57,003 --> 00:13:59,297 - How'd the meeting go at the college? 368 00:13:59,297 --> 00:14:01,924 - Uh, they offered me a job and basically 369 00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,176 a free tuition for Mark. 370 00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:04,927 - That's great! - Yeah. 371 00:14:04,927 --> 00:14:07,346 - I knew you'd figure it out. 372 00:14:07,346 --> 00:14:09,307 - See if you can guess the job. 373 00:14:09,307 --> 00:14:10,808 Here's a clue: 374 00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:12,643 If you get it right, I'll be sad. 375 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:15,730 Lunch lady. 376 00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,486 - I didn't expect that. - Yeah. 377 00:14:21,486 --> 00:14:22,820 You don't have to tell me that 378 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,614 it's an honest living 379 00:14:24,614 --> 00:14:26,074 and there's no shame and doing what you need to do 380 00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,534 to help your kid. - Okay, I won't. 381 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,620 I think you're out of your mind if you take this. 382 00:14:31,871 --> 00:14:34,582 - [scoffs] Well, what do you want me to do? 383 00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:36,834 This is the only way that Mark can afford 384 00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,879 a university education without being crippled with debt 385 00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,464 for the rest of his life. 386 00:14:41,464 --> 00:14:43,591 And between Ben and me, we make just enough not 387 00:14:43,591 --> 00:14:46,260 to qualify for financial aid. 388 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,304 - Well, at least keep your job 389 00:14:48,304 --> 00:14:50,515 and send him to a community college. 390 00:14:50,515 --> 00:14:51,516 - No. 391 00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:52,934 I ruled that out a long time ago. 392 00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,560 I want him to have the experience 393 00:14:54,560 --> 00:14:57,021 that he dreamed about since he was a little kid. 394 00:14:57,021 --> 00:14:59,357 And now I have a way to do it. 395 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:01,442 All right, so I'll be a lunch lady for five years. 396 00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:04,237 And then when Mark graduates, I can find a job 397 00:15:04,237 --> 00:15:06,072 in management again. 398 00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:08,866 - You'll be a woman in your 50s. 399 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:11,077 You really think you're going to scoop corn for five years, 400 00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:12,787 and then jump back in? 401 00:15:12,787 --> 00:15:14,956 Now you're dreaming. 402 00:15:14,956 --> 00:15:16,290 - I don't know. 403 00:15:16,290 --> 00:15:17,708 Maybe I have to take that chance. 404 00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:20,753 - You take chances in your 20s and 30s. 405 00:15:20,753 --> 00:15:22,839 I can't believe you're going to quit a job 406 00:15:22,839 --> 00:15:25,424 where you finally have a chance to put away some money. 407 00:15:25,424 --> 00:15:28,010 I want what's best for Mark too. 408 00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,303 But if you don't want to work 409 00:15:29,303 --> 00:15:31,514 till you drop like your old dad, 410 00:15:31,514 --> 00:15:33,391 I'd think long and hard about this. 411 00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:37,478 - Okay. So if I'm hearing you right, 412 00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:40,565 what you're saying is, it's an honest living 413 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:42,358 and there's no shame in doing what you need to do 414 00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,026 to help your kid. 415 00:15:45,945 --> 00:15:48,990 [blues riff] 416 00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:55,163 - This is a treat. 417 00:15:55,163 --> 00:15:56,747 We don't usually get lunch together. 418 00:15:56,747 --> 00:15:58,082 - Mm, yeah. 419 00:15:58,082 --> 00:15:59,417 Because you always make me pay. 420 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,421 So your dad told me about the cafeteria job, 421 00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:06,507 and he wants me to try to convince you not to take it. 422 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:07,842 - Ah. 423 00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,844 Well, you're not going to have to work too hard. 424 00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,929 Pretty sure I'm not doing it now. 425 00:16:11,929 --> 00:16:13,514 I mean, that would mean we'd have 426 00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:16,809 to keep struggling to make ends meet for five more years. 427 00:16:16,809 --> 00:16:18,769 I can't do that to you. 428 00:16:18,769 --> 00:16:19,896 - Yeah, but that's what you do. 429 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:21,272 You do things to me. 430 00:16:23,316 --> 00:16:26,819 - And you are a saint with a hole in your stomach 431 00:16:26,819 --> 00:16:28,237 because you let me. 432 00:16:28,237 --> 00:16:29,572 But I mean, think about it. 433 00:16:29,572 --> 00:16:32,617 How do I give up the can company job? 434 00:16:32,617 --> 00:16:34,285 - Well, I can't tell you how much 435 00:16:34,285 --> 00:16:36,829 I appreciate you thinking of me. 436 00:16:36,829 --> 00:16:39,248 Um, you are the buttermilk 437 00:16:39,248 --> 00:16:41,167 to my perforated stomach lining. 438 00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:42,668 - [chuckles] 439 00:16:44,295 --> 00:16:48,382 - But you need to go be a lunch lady. 440 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:51,510 If you don't take this job and send Mark to college, 441 00:16:51,510 --> 00:16:53,471 you will not have another happy day 442 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,973 the rest of your life. 443 00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,226 I can handle an ulcer, 444 00:16:58,226 --> 00:17:01,479 but I can't handle seeing you with one. 445 00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:05,608 - Oh, my God, Ben. - Yeah. 446 00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,109 But I will tell you this-- 447 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,487 if Mark majors in philosophy, 448 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,656 I will strangle him with his cardigan. 449 00:17:13,491 --> 00:17:14,659 - God. 450 00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,869 Thank you. 451 00:17:16,869 --> 00:17:19,121 I'm sorry I've destroyed your life. 452 00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,998 I'll start cooking. - Okay. 453 00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:23,542 - Oh. 454 00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,211 Hey, Tyler. 455 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:26,671 How'd it go last night? 456 00:17:26,671 --> 00:17:27,672 - Pretty well. 457 00:17:27,672 --> 00:17:28,673 I got lucky. 458 00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:32,802 - It's kind of weird and personal to bring that up, 459 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:35,263 but go Bulls. 460 00:17:35,263 --> 00:17:38,474 - No, I got lucky because I got to talk to you. 461 00:17:38,474 --> 00:17:40,685 And I feel pretty weird coming into your workplace 462 00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:42,812 to ask you out, but I didn't know where else to find you. 463 00:17:42,812 --> 00:17:45,314 - You're asking me out? 464 00:17:45,314 --> 00:17:46,899 - Well, I could pretend I wasn't, 465 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:48,067 if you're going to say no. 466 00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:49,860 - No, no. I was going to say yes. 467 00:17:49,860 --> 00:17:52,405 - Really? That's great. 468 00:17:52,405 --> 00:17:53,864 Can we take a selfie? 469 00:17:53,864 --> 00:17:55,575 - Mm, why? 470 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:56,576 - It's nothing creepy. 471 00:17:56,576 --> 00:17:57,994 It's for my mom. 472 00:18:00,246 --> 00:18:02,540 She told me you were out of my league, 473 00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,749 and I want to ruin her day. 474 00:18:03,749 --> 00:18:05,293 - [laughs] Okay. 475 00:18:05,293 --> 00:18:06,669 Well, then text it to me, 476 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,462 because I'm going to put it on Instagram 477 00:18:08,462 --> 00:18:12,133 and say that we're engaged and you're an airline pilot. 478 00:18:12,133 --> 00:18:14,468 - I am an airline pilot. 479 00:18:14,468 --> 00:18:15,636 - Wait, really? - Yeah! 480 00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,013 Look. 481 00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:19,140 Got my little wing pin right here. 482 00:18:19,140 --> 00:18:20,891 - God, does that mean you can fly me anywhere 483 00:18:20,891 --> 00:18:22,602 in the world for free? 484 00:18:22,602 --> 00:18:24,020 - Yeah. 485 00:18:24,020 --> 00:18:26,188 But I fly for FedEx, so you got to get in a box. 486 00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:28,357 [blues riff] 487 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:31,360 - Hey. 488 00:18:31,360 --> 00:18:32,695 - Hey, how was work? 489 00:18:32,695 --> 00:18:34,405 - Not great. 490 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,825 I had to chase a guy who was shoplifting macaroons. 491 00:18:37,825 --> 00:18:39,702 He ran into traffic, and I thought, 492 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,704 enjoy your cookies. 493 00:18:41,704 --> 00:18:44,915 - Would your day be better if I told you 494 00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,668 you were going to Stephen A. Douglas University 495 00:18:47,668 --> 00:18:49,920 basically for free? 496 00:18:49,920 --> 00:18:51,172 - Are--are you kidding me? 497 00:18:51,172 --> 00:18:52,798 How'd you do that? 498 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:54,842 - They offered me a job there, and they give employees 499 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:56,010 a huge tuition break. 500 00:18:56,010 --> 00:18:57,345 - That's unbelievable. 501 00:18:57,345 --> 00:18:59,096 What are you doing there? 502 00:18:59,096 --> 00:19:02,683 - I'm going to be a lunch lady. 503 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,101 - Mom. - Don't bother. 504 00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:05,519 Everybody's tried. 505 00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:08,481 - Come on. I'm never going to feel right 506 00:19:08,481 --> 00:19:10,524 letting you do that. 507 00:19:10,524 --> 00:19:12,234 - Look, Mark. 508 00:19:12,234 --> 00:19:14,612 I have never been able to give you 509 00:19:14,612 --> 00:19:16,280 the things that you deserve. 510 00:19:16,280 --> 00:19:18,658 [choking up] And I've watched you lower your expectations 511 00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,201 year after year. 512 00:19:22,161 --> 00:19:24,080 I mean, do you know how much it broke my heart 513 00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,873 to get a Christmas list from you that said, 514 00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:28,334 "Socks, but only if they're on sale"? 515 00:19:30,169 --> 00:19:32,797 For once, I have the chance to give you something 516 00:19:32,797 --> 00:19:34,882 that you've worked so hard for. 517 00:19:34,882 --> 00:19:37,426 So let me, okay? 518 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:40,262 - But you're-- you're going to be miserable. 519 00:19:40,262 --> 00:19:42,556 - I'm not going to be miserable alone. 520 00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:44,600 I mean, you are going to be working your ass off 521 00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:46,977 at Whole Foods, and you're going to be fighting 522 00:19:46,977 --> 00:19:48,479 to stay on the dean's list. 523 00:19:48,479 --> 00:19:50,815 And when you're in line in the cafeteria 524 00:19:50,815 --> 00:19:52,858 you are going to call me mom, because everybody's 525 00:19:52,858 --> 00:19:56,028 going to damn well know how much I'm sacrificing for you. 526 00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,451 - It's okay. 527 00:20:02,451 --> 00:20:05,162 I'll--I'll just call the other lunch ladies mom too. 528 00:20:16,924 --> 00:20:18,175 - [sighs] 529 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,471 Uh, hi. 530 00:20:22,471 --> 00:20:24,432 This is Darlene Conner. 531 00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:27,101 I'm a manager in accounts receivable. 532 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:28,894 I mean, I was. 533 00:20:30,354 --> 00:20:32,314 Oh. 534 00:20:32,314 --> 00:20:33,566 English. 535 00:20:35,609 --> 00:20:37,862 [slowly] English. 536 00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,283 Quit job. 537 00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,373 - How was it? 538 00:20:49,373 --> 00:20:51,417 - Fine, for being on my feet all day. 539 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:54,545 Uh, when I finally sat down in my car 540 00:20:54,545 --> 00:20:57,465 my spine sounded like a dryer full of gravel. 541 00:20:58,799 --> 00:21:01,302 So why did you ask me to meet you here? 542 00:21:01,302 --> 00:21:02,928 - Right this way. 543 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:08,017 Ta-da! 544 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:11,479 - What's this? 545 00:21:11,479 --> 00:21:13,898 - In honor of your sacrifice, we've created 546 00:21:13,898 --> 00:21:16,275 a vegan cafeteria where we serve you. 547 00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:17,651 [chuckles] 548 00:21:17,651 --> 00:21:18,569 - Thank you. 549 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:19,820 This is perfect. 550 00:21:19,820 --> 00:21:21,322 - Ah, glad you like it. 551 00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:22,948 Because once we're done serving you, 552 00:21:22,948 --> 00:21:24,033 we're all going to go out and eat things 553 00:21:24,033 --> 00:21:25,951 that had parents. [chuckles] 554 00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:28,245 - [giggles]