[blues music]
- Mark, can I come in?
- Sure.
Let me just unlock the sheet.
- When are you going to stop using your bassoon case
as a backpack and tell Mom
you didn't get the orchestra seat?
- I gotta wait.
I mean, when's the right time to tell her that
I'm not getting a music scholarship,
and I'm going to spend the rest of my life living
in her window seat?
- You got a nice view of the street.
- Yeah.
Last night some guy watched "Beetlejuice" with me
through the window.
He seemed okay, except for the shopping cart
full of mannequin arms.
- You're going to have to tell Mom about it sooner or later.
- I know, but I--
it's a no-win scenario.
I can either make a good day bad,
or a bad day worse.
- Or you could make your news not seem so bad
by waiting until something worse happens.
I mean, you're friends with a homeless arm collector.
It should happen any day now.
- Okay, I heard a car pull up.
Everybody get ready.
Come on, come on.
- Surprise!
- Ah!
- You're not Aunt Darlene.
- Oh!
[cheering, laughing]
- Wow, thank you.
I haven't had anything in my eyes all day.
- Yeah.
There would have been more, but the kid blew it.
- Uncle Ben let me drink coffee.
I can't stop moving.
- You did what?
- You know, she's sluggish in the morning.
- This is so sweet.
But I can't tell if that sign is sarcastic.
- Always assume that it is.
- Hey, check out the new work badge.
They put a smile on you.
It's amazing what these new camera filters can do.
- No, it's not a filter.
That's my actual smile.
I'm happy. - All right.
So you had a good day? - Yeah, yeah.
And thank you for being patient while I looked
for another management job. - Ahh.
Hey, you hear that, ulcer?
It was worth it.
- I never thought my self-esteem was
tied up in my job, but I do love having
that sign on my door again.
- Wait. Does it say "women,"
and there are a lot of other people
doing their business in there?
- No, it's really great.
And the other thing-- that's not all.
I'm having them take 5% out of every paycheck
'cause I want to save up and buy you a car,
so you can drive home and visit.
- Um, actually,
slippers will be fine, 'cause I'll just be
right over there.
- What are you talking about?
- The other kid got the orchestra seat.
I'm not getting a scholarship.
I'm not going to college.
- Why didn't you tell me?
- You--you've just been under so much pressure
with everything lately.
I didn't want to pile on.
- In Mark's defense, he has put a lot of effort
into lying to you.
- I'm sorry I ruined your day.
- No. No, don't worry.
Listen, we will figure something out, okay?
[sighs]
- Poor kid.
- Think you're going to be able to put aside
enough from your new job?
- No.
I have no idea what I'm going to do.
- Well, my ulcer has a new friend--
[inhales sharply]
Chest pain.
[blues music]
♪ ♪
- The Conners is recorded in front
of a live studio audience.
- Hey.
You know, I never want to give you a hard time
about how you dress at work, but lately,
people have started asking
if you just got out of the hospital.
- Oh, that explains the increase in tips
and the woman who said, "I hope you beat this thing."
I've been so tired lately.
I'm really not trying to win a beauty contest.
- I know. But all I'm saying is,
this place is full of guys.
You might be able to meet somebody here, you know,
if you put on some real clothes,
and if your hair didn't look like
it was combed by a wolf paw.
- I'm doing fine.
I got all the guys on "Love Island."
And if I'm in the mood for a bad boy,
I've got "Love After Lockup."
- You've got to do something
to get Becky back out there,
because she's too young to be giving up.
- Yeah.
We've got to help her boost her confidence.
You know, I did this for my drummer
when he was feeling unattractive after losing
the middle of his nose to cocaine.
Just tell her that you found this on the counter.
- "This is for the hot blonde waitress.
"I wish I had the nerve to tell you how beautiful you are.
I'm certainly not here for the food."
Hey!
- Trying to keep it real. Come on.
- Becky.
Hey, I found this on the counter.
I think it's for you.
- Oh.
Oh, wow.
That is so sweet.
- Right? Look at that.
And you weren't even trying. - Right?
If I find this guy, I'll never have to clean myself up again.
Do you think he's still here?
- Um, probably not.
He--he sounds like he's pretty shy.
I-I'm sure he left.
- Well, you don't know that for sure.
Ugh, I hope he's one of the cute ones.
Right.
Wedding ring.
Hi.
Uh, I think you might have dropped something.
- Not me.
But it you're looking, I got an El Camino in the parking lot
with a couple of blankets in the back.
- But if we started at the fairy tale,
where do we go from there?
Hi.
Uh, does this napkin look familiar?
- Is it claiming to know me?
Because I'm here with a different napkin.
- I might have dropped that napkin.
What did it say?
- Oh, you know.
It was just some guy trying to hit on me.
- That must happen to you a lot.
- Not as much as you might think.
You want some more coffee?
- No, I'm okay, thanks. - Okay.
- You know, uh, for someone who says they're not interested,
you seem pretty interested. - Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, I guess I wouldn't mind meeting someone.
But it's just so much hassle.
- You don't have to do it alone.
How about Jackie and I take you to the Lobo this weekend?
- Yeah, Lobo.
It's just like "Love Island."
All the guys got six-packs.
Just no abs.
[laughter]
[blues music]
- Oh. Hey, kiddo.
I'm sorry to hear about Mark.
I know how much you were counting
on him getting that money.
Can I get you a beer?
- No, thanks.
I'm busy looking through these scholarship pamphlets.
- Any luck finding new ones?
- Well, there's a couple of possibilities.
The National Height Society is offering $500
to anyone over 6'2".
- I think they put the money on a high shelf,
and if you can reach it, it's yours.
- Maybe there's one for young men who dress
like small-town doctors.
- [chuckles] Oh, man.
Most of these are only a couple hundred bucks.
You need every one of them to afford college.
- I know.
And these are only his safety schools,
and they're tens of thousands of dollars
more than we can afford.
The ones he hasn't applied to yet are even more.
I just--I don't know how people do this.
- Mm, I know.
My college roommate's mom had to work at our school
just to get him, like, 50% off his tuition.
- Are you kidding me?
That's, like, a thing? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.
- I mean, I guess I could look into jobs
where Mark's been accepted, just to see what's available.
- Hey, whoa.
I was just riffing.
You just got this job.
- Yeah, I know.
But I don't know how else I'm going
to pay for Mark's tuition.
Look, who knows.
Maybe they have a management job that's
as good, or even better.
- Well, hey, look.
You see this scholarship here offering 10 grand?
National Nudist Benefit Fund.
Oh, wait. That's a scam.
It says they're holding auditions at the Red Roof Inn.
- Well, yeah, but then he'd qualify
for this trauma victim scholarship too.
Oh, no.
Also holding auditions at the Red Roof Inn.
- [laughs]
- They need to vet these better.
Thank you for setting up this interview so quickly.
My son Mark was accepted here, and because you guys have
such a great computer science program,
he's considering coming.
He would make a fantastic, um--
fighting, like, potato bug?
- It's a boll weevil.
We had to change our mascot last year
because our old one was highly offensive to the Dutch.
- Mm.
Well, the point is, I could really
use your tuition benefit.
And I'd actually consider leaving my position
at Chicago Can, even though the place would probably
fall apart without me.
- It looks like you were only there for one day.
- And I can bring that level of commitment here.
- Well, it's an awfully good tuition benefit.
Your son would basically be going here for free.
- Free?
Oh my god, that is fantastic.
And actually, I saw a couple of management jobs
on your website that I would be great for.
- I'm so sorry.
We've been in an executive hiring freeze for a year.
I called you in because you have
food service experience at a casino.
- Uh, excuse me?
- We have an opening for a line worker in the cafeteria.
- Uh, you mean like a lunch lady?
- We call it lunch person.
- Um, could you look again?
I mean, there's got to be something else.
- Oh.
Um, well, I didn't see this.
You also qualify to flush out the blood drains
in the medical school's cadaver lab.
- Is there a blood drain manager?
- Look, I know you're overqualified for this.
But if you don't want the job, I can't help you.
- Well, "want" isn't really the issue.
All right.
Can I have a night to think about it?
- Yeah, but don't wait too long.
We have a huge wait list of people begging
to get out of the cadaver lab.
- Guess all the zombie TV shows aren't helping you guys.
- We sat at the tables, we danced by the jukebox,
and now we're playing pool
because you said guys would come over.
- I think we're playing too well.
If we acted like we didn't know what we were doing,
guys would be swarming over to mansplain this game.
- Yeah, Louise is right.
Oh, this-- this is an impossible shot.
I don't know how I could possibly make this.
- What the hell are you doing?
- I'm trying to get a guy for Becky.
- There's too many of you.
It looks like the two of you are taking
the village idiot out for ladies' night.
- Okay. None of this is happening.
You all have a nice night.
I will be at the bar ordering sober mom drinks.
This is why I haven't been trying to find someone.
- There goes the hair.
She's giving up again.
- Becky, right?
Tyler.
You probably don't remember me,
but I watch a lot of basketball at the Lunch Box.
- Oh, yeah. Hi.
- Hi.
Did you ever find out who that napkin belonged to?
- Why are you bothering this poor woman?
You don't have to talk to him to be nice.
Unless you can introduce him to a homely friend or something.
- Mom, I told you you could come
if you agreed to sip your Gin Rickey
and do your find-a-word.
- This is what I get for trying to help you.
Since we're going to be on these stools for a while,
I'm going to go to the car and get my donut.
- I'm really sorry.
She just wants me to be happy,
but doesn't realize she can accomplish that
by passing quietly in the night.
- [laughs] No need to apologize.
My family is here embarrassing me too.
You might have noticed my aunt writhing on the pool table.
- My mom saw her.
She said, um, "Try that one.
She doesn't look right."
- [laughs]
- They're so lucky.
They don't have to play these stupid games.
- I hate it too.
I cannot bear the thought of going
on 100 first dates to find someone
I actually connect with.
- I wish I could just fast forward--
be sitting next to my wife at my kid's basketball game,
making each other laugh by making
fun of the other parents. - [laughs]
- And then going to Applebee's and splitting two desserts
and pretending it's only half the calories.
- Yeah.
Or lying in bed, watching romcoms with the sound down
and making up our own dialogue.
- [chuckles] Yeah.
Like in "When Harry Met Sally."
She could say, uh, "I really love that wagon wheel table."
- Oh, that's a cool table.
- I have that table!
- No, you don't. - I do.
It drives the women wild.
- [laughs] God, I haven't watched
that movie in a long time.
I got to watch it again. - Yeah.
But you got to watch it with someone who gets the table.
- Yeah.
- Hey, Tyler.
My friends left, so I'm ready for that drink now.
- Oh.
Uh--
- If I'm not interrupting anything.
- Oh, no, no!
Um, I was just asking how the fries are here.
Uh, please, take my seat.
Go Bulls.
[blues riff]
- Hey!
Becky left this at the bar last night.
- Oh. Well, that's why she's not getting any guys.
She sheds.
- How'd the meeting go at the college?
- Uh, they offered me a job and basically
a free tuition for Mark.
- That's great! - Yeah.
- I knew you'd figure it out.
- See if you can guess the job.
Here's a clue:
If you get it right, I'll be sad.
Lunch lady.
- I didn't expect that. - Yeah.
You don't have to tell me that
it's an honest living
and there's no shame and doing what you need to do
to help your kid. - Okay, I won't.
I think you're out of your mind if you take this.
- [scoffs] Well, what do you want me to do?
This is the only way that Mark can afford
a university education without being crippled with debt
for the rest of his life.
And between Ben and me, we make just enough not
to qualify for financial aid.
- Well, at least keep your job
and send him to a community college.
- No.
I ruled that out a long time ago.
I want him to have the experience
that he dreamed about since he was a little kid.
And now I have a way to do it.
All right, so I'll be a lunch lady for five years.
And then when Mark graduates, I can find a job
in management again.
- You'll be a woman in your 50s.
You really think you're going to scoop corn for five years,
and then jump back in?
Now you're dreaming.
- I don't know.
Maybe I have to take that chance.
- You take chances in your 20s and 30s.
I can't believe you're going to quit a job
where you finally have a chance to put away some money.
I want what's best for Mark too.
But if you don't want to work
till you drop like your old dad,
I'd think long and hard about this.
- Okay. So if I'm hearing you right,
what you're saying is, it's an honest living
and there's no shame in doing what you need to do
to help your kid.
[blues riff]
- This is a treat.
We don't usually get lunch together.
- Mm, yeah.
Because you always make me pay.
So your dad told me about the cafeteria job,
and he wants me to try to convince you not to take it.
- Ah.
Well, you're not going to have to work too hard.
Pretty sure I'm not doing it now.
I mean, that would mean we'd have
to keep struggling to make ends meet for five more years.
I can't do that to you.
- Yeah, but that's what you do.
You do things to me.
- And you are a saint with a hole in your stomach
because you let me.
But I mean, think about it.
How do I give up the can company job?
- Well, I can't tell you how much
I appreciate you thinking of me.
Um, you are the buttermilk
to my perforated stomach lining.
- [chuckles]
- But you need to go be a lunch lady.
If you don't take this job and send Mark to college,
you will not have another happy day
the rest of your life.
I can handle an ulcer,
but I can't handle seeing you with one.
- Oh, my God, Ben. - Yeah.
But I will tell you this--
if Mark majors in philosophy,
I will strangle him with his cardigan.
- God.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I've destroyed your life.
I'll start cooking. - Okay.
- Oh.
Hey, Tyler.
How'd it go last night?
- Pretty well.
I got lucky.
- It's kind of weird and personal to bring that up,
but go Bulls.
- No, I got lucky because I got to talk to you.
And I feel pretty weird coming into your workplace
to ask you out, but I didn't know where else to find you.
- You're asking me out?
- Well, I could pretend I wasn't,
if you're going to say no.
- No, no. I was going to say yes.
- Really? That's great.
Can we take a selfie?
- Mm, why?
- It's nothing creepy.
It's for my mom.
She told me you were out of my league,
and I want to ruin her day.
- [laughs] Okay.
Well, then text it to me,
because I'm going to put it on Instagram
and say that we're engaged and you're an airline pilot.
- I am an airline pilot.
- Wait, really? - Yeah!
Look.
Got my little wing pin right here.
- God, does that mean you can fly me anywhere
in the world for free?
- Yeah.
But I fly for FedEx, so you got to get in a box.
[blues riff]
- Hey.
- Hey, how was work?
- Not great.
I had to chase a guy who was shoplifting macaroons.
He ran into traffic, and I thought,
enjoy your cookies.
- Would your day be better if I told you
you were going to Stephen A. Douglas University
basically for free?
- Are--are you kidding me?
How'd you do that?
- They offered me a job there, and they give employees
a huge tuition break.
- That's unbelievable.
What are you doing there?
- I'm going to be a lunch lady.
- Mom. - Don't bother.
Everybody's tried.
- Come on. I'm never going to feel right
letting you do that.
- Look, Mark.
I have never been able to give you
the things that you deserve.
[choking up] And I've watched you lower your expectations
year after year.
I mean, do you know how much it broke my heart
to get a Christmas list from you that said,
"Socks, but only if they're on sale"?
For once, I have the chance to give you something
that you've worked so hard for.
So let me, okay?
- But you're-- you're going to be miserable.
- I'm not going to be miserable alone.
I mean, you are going to be working your ass off
at Whole Foods, and you're going to be fighting
to stay on the dean's list.
And when you're in line in the cafeteria
you are going to call me mom, because everybody's
going to damn well know how much I'm sacrificing for you.
- It's okay.
I'll--I'll just call the other lunch ladies mom too.
- [sighs]
Uh, hi.
This is Darlene Conner.
I'm a manager in accounts receivable.
I mean, I was.
Oh.
English.
[slowly] English.
Quit job.
- How was it?
- Fine, for being on my feet all day.
Uh, when I finally sat down in my car
my spine sounded like a dryer full of gravel.
So why did you ask me to meet you here?
- Right this way.
Ta-da!
- What's this?
- In honor of your sacrifice, we've created
a vegan cafeteria where we serve you.
[chuckles]
- Thank you.
This is perfect.
- Ah, glad you like it.
Because once we're done serving you,
we're all going to go out and eat things
that had parents. [chuckles]
- [giggles]