1 00:00:00,250 --> 00:00:03,710 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com -- 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:05,720 Hey, you're all dressed up. 3 00:00:05,760 --> 00:00:07,230 You going to court? 4 00:00:08,430 --> 00:00:09,980 Unlike you, people get dressed up 5 00:00:09,990 --> 00:00:13,840 for other reasons than trying to beat a shoplifting charge. 6 00:00:13,850 --> 00:00:16,750 The saleswoman said I could walk around in the shoes. 7 00:00:16,790 --> 00:00:19,880 I wanted to see how they felt on the sidewalk. 8 00:00:19,980 --> 00:00:21,630 You're a criminal. 9 00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:23,880 I'm just trying to look nice for work. That's all. 10 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:26,110 That is so cute! 11 00:00:26,150 --> 00:00:28,750 You're trying to be a girl! 12 00:00:29,800 --> 00:00:31,899 This is obviously about her new boss. 13 00:00:31,900 --> 00:00:34,660 - You have a crush on your boss? - Ooh! 14 00:00:34,680 --> 00:00:37,139 No, I'm just trying to be a professional. 15 00:00:37,140 --> 00:00:38,920 God, all I did was put on a little makeup. 16 00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:41,360 I heard the blow dryer. 17 00:00:41,780 --> 00:00:45,440 I was blowing dust out of the smoke alarms. 18 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,260 Nice try. They're all here! 19 00:00:50,890 --> 00:00:52,520 Do you ever worry that some of the people 20 00:00:52,560 --> 00:00:54,520 in these mug shots might be innocent. 21 00:00:54,990 --> 00:00:56,880 Eh, people can think whatever they want. 22 00:00:56,900 --> 00:00:59,760 We're just reporting, not passing judgment. 23 00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:01,900 Uh, the paper's called Lock 'Em Up. 24 00:01:01,930 --> 00:01:02,960 It's kind of judge-y. 25 00:01:04,760 --> 00:01:05,800 Ooh. 26 00:01:05,840 --> 00:01:07,500 This one's kind of hot. 27 00:01:07,540 --> 00:01:09,140 Let's put her on the front page. 28 00:01:09,240 --> 00:01:10,879 Oh, so that's what you're attracted to? 29 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,240 Blondes with most of their teeth? 30 00:01:14,350 --> 00:01:15,960 I think you know exactly the kind of woman 31 00:01:15,980 --> 00:01:17,040 I'm attracted to. 32 00:01:33,960 --> 00:01:35,800 What are we doing? 33 00:01:35,830 --> 00:01:37,320 I work for you. 34 00:01:37,370 --> 00:01:40,400 I mean, this would be complicated as hell. 35 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,140 Yeah, you're right. And as your employer, 36 00:01:43,180 --> 00:01:45,710 I cannot have you feel uncomfortable 37 00:01:45,740 --> 00:01:47,220 or pressured in any way. 38 00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:50,780 So... you're gonna have to make a move on me. 39 00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:57,090 Do I look like a woman with moves? 40 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:59,240 Just do what you feel is right. 41 00:01:59,320 --> 00:02:01,530 I am going to pretend to work 42 00:02:01,560 --> 00:02:04,500 and, uh, hope for the best. 43 00:02:13,360 --> 00:02:17,140 You've got a Fuji apple sticker on your ass. 44 00:02:17,540 --> 00:02:20,750 I believe it's Golden Delicious. 45 00:02:24,960 --> 00:02:27,000 Can we just go back to work? 46 00:02:27,020 --> 00:02:28,520 This is getting too awkward. 47 00:02:28,560 --> 00:02:31,120 Yes, I agree. 48 00:02:31,260 --> 00:02:33,390 Um, can I borrow your stapler? 49 00:02:33,430 --> 00:02:35,120 Yes, sure. 50 00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:20,330 "The Conners" is recorded 51 00:03:20,340 --> 00:03:21,810 in front of a live studio audience. 52 00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:23,880 I'm done with my list! 53 00:03:23,980 --> 00:03:26,480 We made our Christmas lists for you, Grandpa Dan. 54 00:03:26,570 --> 00:03:28,000 They're just suggestions. 55 00:03:28,030 --> 00:03:29,040 Don't get your hopes up. 56 00:03:29,050 --> 00:03:30,659 You're getting underwear and a popcorn tin 57 00:03:30,660 --> 00:03:32,120 from the drug store. 58 00:03:33,860 --> 00:03:37,060 So, we're not getting anything we want? 59 00:03:37,080 --> 00:03:40,680 You really break my heart when you put it like that. 60 00:03:40,710 --> 00:03:42,110 But no. 61 00:03:43,200 --> 00:03:45,680 But I really want a Plushy Pet backpack. 62 00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:46,980 It talks to you. 63 00:03:47,020 --> 00:03:48,380 But Mark talks to you. 64 00:03:48,420 --> 00:03:52,580 You don't want him to feel like he's being replaced, do you? 65 00:03:52,680 --> 00:03:54,940 You know what won't make him feel bad? 66 00:03:55,020 --> 00:03:56,440 Crayons. 67 00:03:57,660 --> 00:03:59,030 Hi, guys. 68 00:03:59,060 --> 00:04:01,400 Grandpa wants to give me crayons for Christmas. 69 00:04:01,430 --> 00:04:04,900 Well, we'll call Child Services and let them sort it out. 70 00:04:06,620 --> 00:04:10,290 You know, Mary, most people refer to them as Crayolas, 71 00:04:10,320 --> 00:04:11,800 but that's really a brand name, 72 00:04:11,820 --> 00:04:13,830 like Kleenex or cellophane. 73 00:04:13,860 --> 00:04:17,600 Crayola comes from the French word "craie," meaning "chalk," 74 00:04:17,630 --> 00:04:20,380 and "oleaginous," meaning "oily." 75 00:04:22,100 --> 00:04:23,660 Can we go to school now? 76 00:04:23,720 --> 00:04:27,770 I see I've awakened the educational curiosity in you. 77 00:04:28,060 --> 00:04:30,330 Oh, for God's sake, let 'em go. 78 00:04:32,110 --> 00:04:34,080 I'll help you pack 'em up, Deej. 79 00:04:34,110 --> 00:04:35,540 Dan, Peter wants to talk to you. 80 00:04:35,550 --> 00:04:37,540 He has a bike that needs restoring. 81 00:04:37,620 --> 00:04:40,250 Well, you've come to the right place. 82 00:04:40,290 --> 00:04:42,290 We do the same quality work as the big guys, 83 00:04:42,320 --> 00:04:46,020 but cut a lot of corners and pass the savings on to me. 84 00:04:55,270 --> 00:04:56,900 This isn't a bike. 85 00:04:56,940 --> 00:04:59,919 This is what you feed to other bikes. 86 00:04:59,920 --> 00:05:01,940 It's a classic Vespa. 87 00:05:01,980 --> 00:05:03,350 Did you ever see "Roman Holiday" 88 00:05:03,380 --> 00:05:05,159 with Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck? 89 00:05:05,160 --> 00:05:07,360 It's on my "After I Die" bucket list. 90 00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:10,720 I'm sorry. I don't fix foreign bikes. 91 00:05:10,750 --> 00:05:12,280 Ah, come on. 92 00:05:12,390 --> 00:05:14,139 I saw a bike like this in that movie, 93 00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:15,719 and I fell in love with it. 94 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,920 The whole experience just made me want to move to Italy. 95 00:05:17,980 --> 00:05:20,320 Well, you know, it's still there. 96 00:05:21,100 --> 00:05:22,260 So, Dan? 97 00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,620 What do you think of the Vespa? 98 00:05:23,960 --> 00:05:25,870 Well, like I told Audrey Hepburn here, 99 00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:28,320 I don't fix foreign bikes. 100 00:05:28,440 --> 00:05:30,510 Peter, could you get the kids' Christmas presents 101 00:05:30,540 --> 00:05:33,300 - out of the trunk? - I'll take Audrey or Katharine. 102 00:05:33,370 --> 00:05:35,780 You can't hurt me by comparing me to a Hepburn. 103 00:05:38,810 --> 00:05:40,580 Come on. 104 00:05:40,620 --> 00:05:42,580 Dan, I bought it for Peter for Christmas 105 00:05:42,620 --> 00:05:44,026 because I knew you could restore it. 106 00:05:44,050 --> 00:05:45,590 You bought this for him? 107 00:05:45,620 --> 00:05:47,820 That's got to be at least three grand. 108 00:05:47,840 --> 00:05:49,096 You don't have that kind of money. 109 00:05:49,120 --> 00:05:51,520 I know it's a lot, but we're both gonna enjoy it. 110 00:05:51,540 --> 00:05:52,690 Me sitting behind him, 111 00:05:52,730 --> 00:05:54,190 my cheek pressed against his back 112 00:05:54,230 --> 00:05:56,960 as we glide past the Trevi fountain. 113 00:05:57,000 --> 00:05:58,860 That's Rome. This is Lanford. 114 00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:00,630 We don't have fountains. 115 00:06:00,670 --> 00:06:03,140 We have a pipe that spills sewage into the river. 116 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:06,610 You're doing it for me, not for him. 117 00:06:06,640 --> 00:06:08,280 Definitely not doing it for him. 118 00:06:08,310 --> 00:06:09,856 You sure you're gonna be riding on this thing? 119 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:11,610 - Of course I am. - Okay, then. 120 00:06:11,650 --> 00:06:13,750 I'll make sure the brakes work, too. 121 00:06:17,790 --> 00:06:21,620 So, how was work with hunky boss man? 122 00:06:21,660 --> 00:06:24,540 Um, we, you know, got along fine. 123 00:06:24,730 --> 00:06:26,130 Fine? 124 00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:29,060 That's your version of being overjoyed. 125 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:31,540 You had sex with him. 126 00:06:32,670 --> 00:06:35,700 All I did was borrow his stapler, 127 00:06:35,740 --> 00:06:38,170 and then thank him. 128 00:06:38,180 --> 00:06:39,220 Twice on his desk. 129 00:06:42,080 --> 00:06:43,480 And how was it? 130 00:06:43,980 --> 00:06:46,280 Well, if you got to know, um... 131 00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:48,520 the sex was incredible. 132 00:06:48,720 --> 00:06:51,110 So you've only had sex with two guys, 133 00:06:51,120 --> 00:06:53,520 so you don't know good from bad. 134 00:06:53,560 --> 00:06:55,820 Let's just say it was average. 135 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:57,830 Well, Ben must've liked it. 136 00:06:57,860 --> 00:06:59,830 He asked me over to his apartment for dinner, 137 00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:01,960 and I can't wait to go. 138 00:07:02,030 --> 00:07:04,600 Oh, so it's gonna be a relationship. 139 00:07:04,630 --> 00:07:06,660 I smell disaster. 140 00:07:07,440 --> 00:07:09,170 Look, I know you're thinking that 141 00:07:09,210 --> 00:07:10,739 because I'm so spun out over Mom 142 00:07:10,740 --> 00:07:12,810 and divorcing David and money problems. 143 00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,840 You think I'm moving faster than I should 144 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,020 because I'm just looking for a quick emotional fix. 145 00:07:17,080 --> 00:07:20,240 No, this isn't about you being an emotional train wreck. 146 00:07:20,250 --> 00:07:21,520 That's too obvious. 147 00:07:22,820 --> 00:07:24,889 This is about your uncanny ability 148 00:07:24,890 --> 00:07:26,420 to pick the wrong guy for you. 149 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:29,060 It's nice to be able to share this with you. 150 00:07:29,090 --> 00:07:31,290 And you're completely wrong. 151 00:07:31,330 --> 00:07:33,360 Ben is finally the right guy. 152 00:07:33,400 --> 00:07:36,400 He's strong and confident, and he knows what he wants. 153 00:07:36,430 --> 00:07:37,860 That's even worse. 154 00:07:38,770 --> 00:07:41,780 That's like two stubborn trains heading towards each other 155 00:07:41,790 --> 00:07:42,800 on the same track. 156 00:07:45,110 --> 00:07:47,280 You think I'm locked into this little prison 157 00:07:47,310 --> 00:07:49,170 that I made for myself dating meek guys 158 00:07:49,180 --> 00:07:50,180 that I can push around, and 159 00:07:50,190 --> 00:07:51,440 it's not true... I've changed. 160 00:07:51,500 --> 00:07:52,520 Really? 161 00:07:52,560 --> 00:07:54,450 We shared a room for years. 162 00:07:54,580 --> 00:07:57,050 When you accused me of having my Marky Mark poster 163 00:07:57,090 --> 00:08:00,720 on your side of the room, instead of asking me to move it, 164 00:08:00,760 --> 00:08:02,590 you cut out Marky's eyes. 165 00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:08,030 I've just never seen you this excited about a guy. 166 00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:09,579 I don't want you to fool yourself 167 00:08:09,580 --> 00:08:13,800 into thinking it's gonna be all unicorns and rainbows. 168 00:08:13,840 --> 00:08:18,580 Be prepared for a rainstorm and a horse head in the bed. 169 00:08:18,640 --> 00:08:21,810 Wow, most pregnant women are positive. 170 00:08:21,850 --> 00:08:23,700 That's gonna be one bitter little baby 171 00:08:23,720 --> 00:08:25,320 when it finally makes a break for it. 172 00:08:31,100 --> 00:08:32,570 Hey, Dan. 173 00:08:32,600 --> 00:08:34,330 Jackie said I could find you here. 174 00:08:34,370 --> 00:08:37,400 Yeah, I like it here. 175 00:08:37,440 --> 00:08:39,540 The food's bad, and that keeps people away 176 00:08:39,570 --> 00:08:41,260 so I can drink in peace. 177 00:08:42,240 --> 00:08:44,010 I just wanted to pay you for the parts 178 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:45,680 so that you could get started. 179 00:08:45,710 --> 00:08:46,860 Are you okay with a check? 180 00:08:46,980 --> 00:08:48,850 Sure. If it bounces, 181 00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,720 you're not gonna outrun me on Barbie's Dream Scooter. 182 00:08:55,220 --> 00:08:59,260 Oh, you and Jackie have an account together. 183 00:08:59,290 --> 00:09:00,400 When did this happen? 184 00:09:00,480 --> 00:09:01,839 Last week. 185 00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,170 We put my name on her account 186 00:09:03,180 --> 00:09:04,670 so that we could save money on fees 187 00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:06,920 by commingling our finances. 188 00:09:06,970 --> 00:09:08,700 No biggie. 189 00:09:09,140 --> 00:09:11,770 Commingling means two people mingling money. 190 00:09:11,810 --> 00:09:13,820 Do you have anything to mingle? 191 00:09:13,910 --> 00:09:15,040 Not at the moment. 192 00:09:15,310 --> 00:09:17,880 I thought the master's in Medieval Culture 193 00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:21,260 would've appealed to a wider array of employers. 194 00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,489 But now I'm on the right track 195 00:09:24,490 --> 00:09:27,760 with Nordic history, music, and dance. 196 00:09:29,060 --> 00:09:31,330 Look, Jackie's a good person, 197 00:09:31,360 --> 00:09:33,660 and she's been single a long time, 198 00:09:33,700 --> 00:09:36,080 so her guard may not be up right now, 199 00:09:36,120 --> 00:09:38,230 but mine is. 200 00:09:38,270 --> 00:09:40,140 You're taking advantage of my sister-in-law. 201 00:09:40,170 --> 00:09:41,339 No, I'm not. 202 00:09:41,340 --> 00:09:43,140 I'm gonna pay her back every penny, 203 00:09:43,170 --> 00:09:44,470 including tuition. 204 00:09:44,510 --> 00:09:46,080 She's paying your tuition? 205 00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,880 That's between me and Jackie. 206 00:09:47,910 --> 00:09:49,280 Just fix the bike. 207 00:09:49,310 --> 00:09:50,940 That's supposedly what you're good at. 208 00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,620 Excuse me? 209 00:09:54,700 --> 00:09:57,150 Don't start a war of wits with me, Dan. 210 00:09:57,190 --> 00:09:58,860 You're unarmed. 211 00:10:00,900 --> 00:10:03,860 Touché. And since I am without wit, 212 00:10:03,890 --> 00:10:04,990 I'll take you out back 213 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:07,660 and rub your face against the bricks. 214 00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:08,900 Mm, of course. 215 00:10:08,930 --> 00:10:11,460 The uneducated man resorts to violence. 216 00:10:11,500 --> 00:10:13,260 So predictable. 217 00:10:13,800 --> 00:10:15,570 Excuse me. Hold on. 218 00:10:15,610 --> 00:10:17,070 Don't leave without your check. 219 00:10:19,620 --> 00:10:20,680 Ow. 220 00:10:27,250 --> 00:10:28,280 Hey. 221 00:10:28,320 --> 00:10:30,020 Right on time. 222 00:10:30,050 --> 00:10:31,640 You look beautiful. 223 00:10:31,720 --> 00:10:34,060 I already slept with you, so let's just be cool. 224 00:10:38,230 --> 00:10:40,500 Oh, oh. I'm so sorry, 225 00:10:40,530 --> 00:10:43,930 but would you mind just taking off your shoes? 226 00:10:43,970 --> 00:10:45,859 I, uh... I read this scientific thing 227 00:10:45,860 --> 00:10:47,176 about what you bring into your house 228 00:10:47,200 --> 00:10:48,219 on the bottom of your shoes, 229 00:10:48,220 --> 00:10:50,440 and it kind of freaked me out. 230 00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,660 Oh, yeah, did you not know the ground was dirty 231 00:10:52,670 --> 00:10:53,679 before reading that? 232 00:10:55,160 --> 00:10:58,620 But, um, still just rather not take my shoes off, 233 00:10:58,630 --> 00:11:00,940 makes me feel shorter. 234 00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:03,640 I'd rather you would. 235 00:11:04,560 --> 00:11:05,980 Okay. 236 00:11:07,990 --> 00:11:09,060 Oh. 237 00:11:09,090 --> 00:11:10,390 Oh, let's just... 238 00:11:12,360 --> 00:11:16,830 So, I am making vegan paella, huh? 239 00:11:17,070 --> 00:11:20,640 So if you would like to open up a bottle of wine, 240 00:11:20,670 --> 00:11:23,000 anything red on the bottom row should be fine. 241 00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:25,280 Oh, this white looks pretty good. 242 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:30,250 Oh, uh, actually, red usually stands up better 243 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:32,460 to a tomato-sauce base. 244 00:11:32,520 --> 00:11:34,020 Any bottle on the bottom row there. 245 00:11:34,050 --> 00:11:35,800 You know, the red. 246 00:11:35,850 --> 00:11:39,560 Uh, if you hate it, then we can open up a white. 247 00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:42,620 Yeah, I just tried it in my mind, and I hated it. 248 00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,800 Well, try it in a glass. 249 00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,770 You might like it. 250 00:11:48,800 --> 00:11:51,240 Uh, how about I just help you with the food? 251 00:11:51,270 --> 00:11:52,360 Sure, that would be great. 252 00:11:52,370 --> 00:11:53,780 You can stir the paella. 253 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:02,110 Hey, I'm glad you're here. 254 00:12:02,150 --> 00:12:03,310 Me, too. 255 00:12:09,050 --> 00:12:11,720 Huh? 256 00:12:11,760 --> 00:12:14,920 Whoa, whoa, whoa! 257 00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,230 It's better to add salt at the table. 258 00:12:18,260 --> 00:12:20,450 Well, let me just add a little, 259 00:12:20,460 --> 00:12:22,220 and you'll see that you like it. 260 00:12:23,280 --> 00:12:26,700 I tried it in my mind, and I hated it. 261 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:30,440 You can't just grab something out of my hand like I'm a child. 262 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:31,980 I'm sorry. 263 00:12:32,210 --> 00:12:33,510 May I have the salt? 264 00:12:33,550 --> 00:12:35,600 - No. - Please let go. 265 00:12:35,640 --> 00:12:37,460 - No, you let go. - It's my salt. 266 00:12:37,480 --> 00:12:38,540 I'll buy you a new one. 267 00:12:38,550 --> 00:12:40,320 I asked you to stir, not season. 268 00:12:40,350 --> 00:12:41,760 I thought you're glad I'm here. 269 00:12:41,770 --> 00:12:44,520 I am. I'm just not glad you're seasoning. 270 00:12:44,560 --> 00:12:46,520 Why are you fighting with me? 271 00:12:46,560 --> 00:12:47,830 I... 272 00:12:47,860 --> 00:12:50,030 Man, I spent hours getting everything ready 273 00:12:50,060 --> 00:12:52,030 to show you a nice evening. 274 00:12:52,060 --> 00:12:54,870 Why can't you just relax, enjoy yourself? 275 00:12:54,900 --> 00:12:57,270 Why can't you just let me enjoy myself 276 00:12:57,300 --> 00:12:59,370 the way I want to enjoy myself? 277 00:12:59,400 --> 00:13:01,740 Because the only way that you can enjoy yourself 278 00:13:01,760 --> 00:13:04,480 is by making me not enjoy myself. 279 00:13:04,540 --> 00:13:07,450 Oh, well, I'm sorry I'm ruining your evening. 280 00:13:07,460 --> 00:13:08,580 I'm getting my shoes. 281 00:13:08,610 --> 00:13:10,299 You can't wear them in here. 282 00:13:10,300 --> 00:13:11,650 I know. 283 00:13:12,260 --> 00:13:13,750 Well, where are you going? 284 00:13:13,790 --> 00:13:16,880 Home, to cook in my shoes and salt everything. 285 00:13:19,620 --> 00:13:21,600 - Hi, there. - Oh, hi. 286 00:13:21,640 --> 00:13:22,960 What are you doing here? 287 00:13:22,970 --> 00:13:24,470 I-I'm sorry. That sounded rude. 288 00:13:24,510 --> 00:13:26,640 Uh, what are you doing here instead of David, 289 00:13:26,650 --> 00:13:28,740 who I wish was here instead of you? 290 00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:30,299 Well, he couldn't come, 291 00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:33,340 so I'll be going over the kids' Christmas lists with you. 292 00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:35,720 I'll just wait for you at that table. 293 00:13:36,040 --> 00:13:37,450 Just throw something in a cup. 294 00:13:37,470 --> 00:13:38,740 I got to get out of here. 295 00:13:39,820 --> 00:13:41,540 The real reason I'm here 296 00:13:41,550 --> 00:13:44,510 is I'm having some problems with David. 297 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:46,620 Mm. 298 00:13:46,630 --> 00:13:49,170 Well, look, I really don't want to get involved, 299 00:13:49,200 --> 00:13:50,446 and I got to go back to the counter 300 00:13:50,470 --> 00:13:51,580 so someone doesn't grab my c... 301 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:52,600 Oh. 302 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,640 Thank you for doing something you guys rarely do 303 00:13:54,670 --> 00:13:57,080 at the worst possible time. 304 00:13:57,220 --> 00:14:00,479 Okay, so, the problem with David 305 00:14:00,480 --> 00:14:02,380 is he's afraid to make decisions. 306 00:14:02,440 --> 00:14:04,280 It doesn't matter if it's choosing a doctor 307 00:14:04,300 --> 00:14:06,100 or potato chips. 308 00:14:06,130 --> 00:14:07,870 How did you deal with that? 309 00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:09,370 I can't help you. I found the fact 310 00:14:09,400 --> 00:14:10,620 that he was born without a backbone 311 00:14:10,630 --> 00:14:12,259 one of his best features. 312 00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:16,600 I guess I'm just gonna have to get him to see a therapist. 313 00:14:16,640 --> 00:14:18,039 Just don't over-fix him. 314 00:14:18,040 --> 00:14:19,856 There are guys that want to make all the decisions, 315 00:14:19,880 --> 00:14:22,320 and that's way more annoying. 316 00:14:23,350 --> 00:14:25,120 You seem super tense. 317 00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:30,190 Uh, what ya doing there? 318 00:14:32,260 --> 00:14:34,900 I used to be a massage therapist. 319 00:14:34,930 --> 00:14:36,900 Are you dating a guy who's bossy? 320 00:14:36,930 --> 00:14:40,520 Uh, I-I really don't want to talk about this with you. 321 00:14:40,540 --> 00:14:44,470 Sometimes saying it out loud really helps. 322 00:14:44,510 --> 00:14:46,380 Just pretend like I'm not even here. 323 00:14:46,610 --> 00:14:49,280 Oh, I like that. 324 00:14:49,310 --> 00:14:51,510 Um... 325 00:14:51,550 --> 00:14:54,180 All right, uh, I started dating my boss. 326 00:14:54,220 --> 00:14:57,490 He's really controlling, and, you know, 327 00:14:57,520 --> 00:14:58,736 I don't think it's gonna work out. 328 00:14:58,760 --> 00:15:00,819 Well, one thing I learned in a previous job, 329 00:15:00,820 --> 00:15:02,460 before massage therapy, 330 00:15:02,490 --> 00:15:05,960 is that people who have a lot of responsibilities, 331 00:15:06,000 --> 00:15:09,570 secretly, they want to give up control to someone else. 332 00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:11,960 Nobody I know. 333 00:15:11,980 --> 00:15:13,370 Oh, believe me. 334 00:15:13,400 --> 00:15:16,599 Once they were strapped in and had the mask on 335 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,650 and gave up total control to me, 336 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,380 they... they seemed pretty happy. 337 00:15:24,950 --> 00:15:27,420 Um, unless you were an anesthesiologist, 338 00:15:27,450 --> 00:15:30,320 I think you're telling me you were a dominatrix. 339 00:15:30,380 --> 00:15:32,120 It was a long time ago, 340 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:34,980 and I was the opposite of an anesthesiologist. 341 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,930 I, you know, brought a lot of pain. 342 00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:43,200 And the one thing I learned 343 00:15:43,230 --> 00:15:46,840 is that giving up control can make people happier. 344 00:15:46,970 --> 00:15:48,410 Yeah, not this guy. 345 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:50,800 He wouldn't even give up the salt. 346 00:15:51,480 --> 00:15:53,080 I'm talking about you. 347 00:15:53,110 --> 00:15:54,840 Give him a chance to lead. 348 00:15:54,880 --> 00:15:56,320 You might like it. 349 00:15:56,410 --> 00:15:59,180 Well, thanks for the advice. 350 00:16:00,750 --> 00:16:02,850 Oh, and by the way, 351 00:16:02,890 --> 00:16:04,860 now that I know you're a dominatrix, 352 00:16:04,890 --> 00:16:07,260 you and David make way more sense. 353 00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:13,230 I'm here to write you a check for the Vespa parts. 354 00:16:13,730 --> 00:16:16,940 Heard you had a nice chat with Peter. 355 00:16:17,670 --> 00:16:19,800 We had a chat. 356 00:16:19,840 --> 00:16:21,600 What'd you talk about? 357 00:16:21,740 --> 00:16:24,340 Oh, we touched on a lot of things. 358 00:16:24,480 --> 00:16:27,880 We had a wide-ranging discussion about a variety of topics. 359 00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:34,699 Did you threaten to loofah his face with a brick wall? 360 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:37,090 We may have covered that. 361 00:16:37,120 --> 00:16:38,950 And did you talk about how you think 362 00:16:38,960 --> 00:16:40,520 he's taking advantage of me 363 00:16:40,560 --> 00:16:42,780 and how I'm a stupid old woman? 364 00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:43,810 No. 365 00:16:43,820 --> 00:16:45,260 Have you noticed that I'm talking 366 00:16:45,300 --> 00:16:47,600 increasingly louder and louder? 367 00:16:47,630 --> 00:16:50,019 I... I had begun to notice that, yes. 368 00:16:50,020 --> 00:16:52,270 How dare you talk to my boyfriend 369 00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:54,880 about things that are private between him and me? 370 00:16:54,910 --> 00:16:56,640 You're in denial about this guy. 371 00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,280 All you do is give, and all he does is take. 372 00:16:59,310 --> 00:17:00,700 You're totally wrong. 373 00:17:00,810 --> 00:17:02,350 He treats me well, Dan. 374 00:17:02,380 --> 00:17:05,879 It's an equal relationship, and he gives me so much. 375 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:07,290 We have fun together. 376 00:17:07,300 --> 00:17:09,890 We talk. We... We... We discuss books. 377 00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,959 He brings me pancakes in bed. 378 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:14,760 I don't think you understand how much pancakes cost. 379 00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:18,279 You asked me to be a sounding board 380 00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,050 like Rosie used to be. 381 00:17:20,070 --> 00:17:21,730 I'm just doing what she would've done. 382 00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:24,700 Roseanne would've come to me first 383 00:17:24,740 --> 00:17:26,670 and tried to break down my self-esteem 384 00:17:26,700 --> 00:17:27,710 until I broke up with him, 385 00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:32,120 and you did not show me the same respect. 386 00:17:32,180 --> 00:17:34,450 Look, I'm keeping my eye on this guy. 387 00:17:34,480 --> 00:17:35,900 I don't want to see you get hurt. 388 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:37,360 Well, thank you for caring. 389 00:17:37,370 --> 00:17:39,260 I'm a grown woman. I can handle myself. 390 00:17:39,270 --> 00:17:40,840 - Do we understand each other? - We do. 391 00:17:40,850 --> 00:17:42,399 And we both know that we love each other. 392 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,480 - We do. - And if you ever do 393 00:17:43,490 --> 00:17:44,490 something like this again, 394 00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:47,040 I will move in here, and so help me, 395 00:17:47,130 --> 00:17:50,060 I will bring Mom with me. 396 00:17:54,100 --> 00:17:56,070 Morning. 397 00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:57,480 Good morning. 398 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:02,880 Okay, come on. Are we gonna talk about last night or what? 399 00:18:02,910 --> 00:18:04,540 Oh, not necessary. 400 00:18:04,580 --> 00:18:06,099 Last night was personal. 401 00:18:06,100 --> 00:18:08,100 This is business. Let's just work. 402 00:18:08,180 --> 00:18:09,820 If that's what you want. 403 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:14,340 So, I know you wanted to do a cover of mug shots, 404 00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,820 people who were all born this month 405 00:18:15,860 --> 00:18:17,900 and call it "Born Under a Bad Sign," 406 00:18:17,960 --> 00:18:22,900 but I was thinking of doing a grouping by hair color 407 00:18:22,930 --> 00:18:26,820 and calling it "Blondes Have More Guns." 408 00:18:30,940 --> 00:18:32,410 Sounds fine. 409 00:18:32,540 --> 00:18:35,980 That's a weird way of saying something sucks. 410 00:18:36,010 --> 00:18:38,060 No, really. It's fine. 411 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,250 Um, certainly not worth fighting over. 412 00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:44,090 Well, since you're in such an agreeable mood, 413 00:18:44,120 --> 00:18:46,190 here's another idea I just had. 414 00:18:46,220 --> 00:18:49,000 We do an all-woman edition under the headline 415 00:18:49,060 --> 00:18:50,900 "Bitches Be Crazy." 416 00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,530 That may not be well-received. 417 00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,740 I think you're pushing my buttons, 418 00:19:00,750 --> 00:19:01,800 but I'm not gonna give in. 419 00:19:01,820 --> 00:19:03,620 I'm just gonna sit here and try to find 420 00:19:03,630 --> 00:19:06,920 the pressure points that my dominatrix taught me. 421 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:12,510 More on that later. 422 00:19:12,550 --> 00:19:13,860 But... 423 00:19:13,880 --> 00:19:16,380 Come on. Let's talk about last night, please? 424 00:19:16,420 --> 00:19:19,440 I am sorry that I got upset. 425 00:19:19,620 --> 00:19:21,890 You know, I'm just used to being the only alpha 426 00:19:21,900 --> 00:19:23,160 in a relationship. 427 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,390 Me too. 428 00:19:25,430 --> 00:19:28,300 Can two alphas have a relationship that works? 429 00:19:28,330 --> 00:19:31,480 Both of us just have to let go. 430 00:19:31,540 --> 00:19:34,820 So, you're saying we just have a relationship 431 00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,810 with no plan at all, no safeguards, 432 00:19:37,840 --> 00:19:39,640 nobody leading, just trust... 433 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:41,920 Oh, I can't breathe. 434 00:19:43,150 --> 00:19:47,080 Okay, so, I am gonna trust you. 435 00:19:47,120 --> 00:19:49,620 You're gonna trust me. 436 00:19:49,650 --> 00:19:52,420 And we may end up ripping each other's hearts out. 437 00:19:53,880 --> 00:19:55,260 I'm in. 438 00:19:55,690 --> 00:19:56,890 Me too. 439 00:20:01,900 --> 00:20:04,620 All right, let's get back to work. 440 00:20:06,660 --> 00:20:10,399 Hey, who tore the eyes out of the hot blonde 441 00:20:10,400 --> 00:20:12,040 that was going on the cover? 442 00:20:13,710 --> 00:20:17,100 Could've been anybody. Bitches be crazy. 443 00:20:20,400 --> 00:20:22,340 Can I talk to you guys for a minute? 444 00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:25,400 I have a question about relationships. 445 00:20:29,030 --> 00:20:31,890 Okay, so, there's this boy at school that I want to date, 446 00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:33,430 but he wants me to be exclusive. 447 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,480 How do I decide? 448 00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,690 Don't ask anybody about your relationships. 449 00:20:36,700 --> 00:20:38,510 They just want to get all up in your business. 450 00:20:38,540 --> 00:20:39,680 It's a big aggravation. 451 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,340 Die alone. It's easier. 452 00:20:43,550 --> 00:20:44,570 Mom? 453 00:20:44,580 --> 00:20:46,250 Oh, man. 454 00:20:46,280 --> 00:20:48,820 Relationship dynamics are so complicated. 455 00:20:48,850 --> 00:20:50,859 You zig, and then they zag, 456 00:20:50,860 --> 00:20:53,090 then you zig, and then they zig. 457 00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,400 It's all like one big cosmic yank. 458 00:20:56,460 --> 00:20:58,300 I guess I'll go ask Aunt Becky. 459 00:20:58,310 --> 00:20:59,440 - No, no, no, no! - No, no! 460 00:20:59,460 --> 00:21:01,839 Tell us more! Tell us more about this boy. 461 00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:06,140 - Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --