Mum, Mum, Mum! — Shit!
Why can't I do anything right? — Because you don't do anything right!
MIRI: Maybe it's in the car and it fell out of your pocket?
I'm sure I had it.
Shit! — It was my wife!
DOM: Fuck, you're 70!
Viking!
You look terrible. But you’re mine.
I know.
Hello.
You killed someone!
You’re married.
Ah, fuck!
Even best friends have secrets, Mandy.
How do you know my name?
Hello, Mr Boback.
Hi, Billy.
Hah.
Bush, it... it smells funny.
Oh! |'l| remember to wash it next time. Stinky old bush, ha.
Hah, no, it's—it's, uh... it's got powdery mildew.
What... what, your bush? — Oh, no, no, it was a joke, um...
about my, um... it doesn't matter.
I'm sorry, have you got... you got a smelly bush?
Just because you said that yours was...
Mine's got an actual disease, Miri. — Yeah, no, um...
l was really happy that you were talking to me and, uh...
and so then I, | just panicked and I made a really shit joke.
Oh!
HE LAUGHS Oh, I see I get it, the...
Yeah, no, there's nothing to get, cos it's not even slightly funny.
But what I really meant to say was, it's nice to see you
and it would be great if we could maybe, I don't know, hang out again one day.
Have an ice—cream. As friends.
Because I had a really nice day with you and I, and I hope that you did too, so...
Can I think about it? — Of course. Yeah.
Right, |—| better... — Yeah, sure.
Sure. — Gonna go.
Ugh, bush.
It's ten o'clock in the morning, Caroline, my—my porridge hasn't settled.
Ow! — Oscar.
You need to relax.
Oh, I am relaxed.
Oh!
Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?
I'm-I'm just trying to...
It tickles.
HE LAUGHS — Relax.
OK.
HE EXHALES
HE FARTS — Oscar!
I'm so sorry.
I will not be defeated by a fart.
ANNA: Hello there, pretty girl.
Hi.
I saw you and Billy making amends and I want to apologise too.
l have a jealous streak.
I really appreciate that. Um, and I'm so sorry too.
I had no idea that you guys were...
Let us never mention it again.
It's hard, isn't it, life?
Yeah.
How are you? — Um, I'm good, thanks.
Fresh start. New beginnings.
Well, it's, um, it's a lovely day, so...
Isn't it? Crisp.
Ah, there's nothing quite like winter sun, is there?
Mm. How are you?
Oh, I feel fabulous. Thank you for asking.
Oh, I'm so glad.
Light as a feather.
Clean as a whistle, inside and out.
Oh!
I do wonder though, sometimes.
Oh, what do you wonder?
I wonder what it's like being a harlot
slut, killer.
A man—stealer.
Cunty head.
Um... — A great, big fat fucker—fuckity—fucker.
Alright, you're obviously having a bad day, so I'm—I'm not gonna take offence.
Oh, I'm very well.
Right now, never been better.
Just a woman in her prime, taking a good, hard look at a psycho
husband—stealing fuck—biscuit casually bathing her sin in the sun.
Wow. — While she should be rotting to death
in a prison cell.
That's really nice.
Look, it's not working, |—| need to get back to my...
No, it's been too long.
We need to make it part of our routine, like porridge.
Porridge? — Yes.
But a bit sexier.
ANNA (VO): Slut fucker.
Shit slit.
Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.
Rot. Rot, rot!
Dirty little prison killer.
You don't know anything about me. Just leave me alone.
Stop being so mean.
I know you've got a great, big hungry pussy and nobody wants it.
Not my husband. No one.
You will always be alone!
Oh, fuck off and die!
Anna?
Anna? Oh...
Anna?
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS
CAROLINE: Poor woman.
I never got to know her.
Now we definitely won't. Huh.
Hello, Tina. — Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.
Um, Miri Matteson, can I have a quick word?
Actually, I'm a bit late for work, so I'm...
OFFICER ON RADIO: Apparently the deceased was talking to that psycho
that killed Chief Inspector Boback’s girl.
Yeah, I'm—I'm with her now, Rick.
So, uh, apparently you were the last person to speak to the deceased.
Yeah, we, we, uh... we did converse, yes. — Right.
What was said? — Uh, so we had a chat.
Yeah. — Yeah, what did she say?
Said it's nice weather.
Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.
So I said "yes, it is," and then she said it was crisp.
"Crisp." — Yeah.
Yeah, it is crisp. — Mm—hm.
Uh, yeah, she seemed really, very lucid.
Interesting. — Yeah.
Um, but then she sort of changed tack.
OK.
Sort of conversationally, it went in a different direction.
OK. In sort of, for example...?
"Slut, whore, shit slit
dirty little... uh, husband fucker
rot, rot in prison, you killer
killer, killer, killer, killer, killer
killer... killer."
Stuff like that.
Right. Anything else?
Um...
Come on, it is important.
She said that I...
she said that I had a great, big greedy pussy, so...
OK.
Is that true? — What?
Sorry, what? No!
Alright, calm down. It... it's a fair question.
I am calm.
Right. And, um, what was your response?
SHE MUMBLES UNDER HER BREATH
No, what I mean... Did you say anything to her before she died?
Uh, "fuck off and die."
But, so... I'm aware that doesn't... doesn't sound very, very good.
No. — But you can see how I got there.
You know, I just... I snapped. — Snapped, right.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. Oh, my God.
No, no? Or yes? — List... ugh.
No, well, yeah, no, but just, this is, uh... Can I just say that this is incredibly...
This is really rubbish for me.
TINA: Worse for her.
Well, let's just see what the coroner's report says, yeah?
Oh, come on, you can't...
like, you know, like, with words, that's just...
Ah, sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me.
OK, well, we all know that isn't true.
"Tina Tiny Tits, you're so weak, you're a freak."
So you smile through your tears and you just say "words'll never hurt me."
And then, um, and then you become a policewoman with a truncheon
so, uh... I'll be in touch, yeah?
OK.
Billy, I can explain everything.
BILLY: Just leave me alone.
MIRI: I'm so sorry.
Oh, Christ.
Billy, I'm not a bad person, it was just a very...
a very unfortunate coincidence.
Shit.
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS
What? Show's over, go and have your breakfast.
NATHAN: Ah, you found me then.
I'm so sorry, I had an awful morning.
Thanks for coming back.
80, um, what happened to the shop?
This is the shop now.
Yeah, it's much better.
Nimbler. You can't drive a shop around.
Are you sleeping here?
A bit.
It's fun. It's like bivouacking.
Oh, my God, it's because of me.
Look, it's not easy having a murd...
murderer or murderess, which do you prefer?
Neither. — Um...
A "killer"!
Uh, front of house, puts people off
Anyway, they will come round.
It's not like you're gonna be killing anyone else, is it?
Ah...
Arr... — Oh, fuck.
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Don't panic, don't panic, no.
No. Look.
She was my neighbour, she was very, very old.
We were just talking and... she died
but it's absolutely fine, it's fine.
Not for her. — No.
Obviously not for her.
Having the grim reaper for a neighbour.
It was a tragic coincidence.
Maybe you should warn people, carry a scythe or something.
Actually not fair, that's not... — OK.
...very nice.
Ah, shit the bed. — Are you... are you OK?
It's all too much.
Are you alright? — It's all too much, Miri.
MIRI: Just breathe. Just have a little breathe, OK?
HE SIGHS — Nathan...
you need to fire me. — Nope.
Just do it. — I can't.
Then I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fire myself. — But I don't want you to.
Wait there, wait a second.
lN DEEP VOICE: Miri, you're fired.
Oh! Oh, well, that's fine.
Thank you so much for giving me a chance, Nathan.
lN DEEP VOICE: It's alright. Bye, Miri.
It's done. It was really easy.
You're like Paul McKenna, making me do that. — That's what they say.
You could be me.
That's true.
Bye, Nathan. Good luck.
Keep your pecker up.
Anything? — No.
Think of me with another woman, hm?
Imagine I may be rubbing cream into her.
Oh, uh...
No. — What?
I saw that dead woman. — Oh, think of someone else.
Well, who?
Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly.
More dead women?
Oh... — Look, maybe we just, uh, squidge it in.
Oh! — I'm sorry...
|—| really want to, | just... I just don't know why I can't.
Don't worry, darling. We'll sort this out.
Together.
Stop stalking me. — You killed your neighbour's wife?
MIRI: No, I did not.
MANDY: Well, you're trending on local Twitter.
Oh, for God's sake.
I'm only getting in cos I don't have a phone, don't get excited.
Ugh... give it to me.
Oh, God, this is ridiculous, |—| didn't do anything.
Who was that weird guy asking questions about you yesterday, with the beard?
I don't really know, some kind of investigator.
Oh, my God, who are these people? — Investigator?
I don't like him. He's creepy. — Oh, social media is evil.
Miri, you're not listening.
He creeped me out, I think he wants to turn us into the Human Centipede.
People think I've killed someone
so I've got slightly bigger things to worry about right now.
Well, have you ever seen the Human Centipede?
No, but l—l read it, | read it, like, on Monday he has a plum
on Tuesday he has an apple, then he eats a bit more fruit
has a bit of cake, turns into a butterfly, flies away.
To be honest, I would absolutely love to be him right now.
That's the Hungry Caterpillar.
Oh, right, what's the Human Centipede? — It's...
when your mouth gets sewn to someone's arsehole.
Oh! Oh, oh, that's a bit more concerning.
Yes, it is. — Listen, can you do me a favour?
I need to get my neighbour a present, can you lend me some money
and just drive me, drive me to a shop?
I mean, I do actually have a staff meeting, which, um...
it means fuck all, so, yeah, why not? — Yay!
It's like the old days. — What is?
You and me on an adventure.
We never went anywhere. — Yeah, we did!
Spliffs on the beach, the arcades...
the Co—op.
My main memory is me waiting a few feet away while you got fingered
in pretty much any location by pretty much anyone.
Can you drive? — You'll have to get down.
Why? — No, seriously, I can't be seen with you.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
Down.
Why? — Lower.
Ugh.
You know, to help with things... down there.
Canesten pessary for thrush?
To encourage firmness.
In the stool? — No!
You know.
They're blue. — I'm sorry?
For men... downstairs.
Bruised testicles. — Viagra!
SHE WHISPERS: Bloody Viagra.
No. Sorry, we sold out.
They've sold out. Everyone old is having sex.
Oh. — OSCAR: You!
CAROLINE: Oh, my God.
SHE GASPS
Hey, man, I'm just getting nappies.
Fucking scared of you...
I fired her and... and she went nuts.
She threatened me, she said she was gonna do something
something bad, she said. Uh, probably tonight.
TINA ON PHONE: Like What, sir?
I really don't know. I really don't know.
And what’s the name of this angry woman?
Miri Matteson. That's her name.
Big surprise. On it, sir.
Thank you.
Shit.
Do you think I should get him a card as well? — Sorry, don't talk to me.
l... I can't be seen with you. — You're just gonna leave me?
I need to get my wine.
Oh, my God! It's you.
Yes. — You know, my mum is your biggest fan.
Really? — No.
She does not like you. You're a murderer.
And she says you dress funny.
Great, can I just... I just wanna buy a plant——
Did you wear that in prison? — No, can I just...
can I buy this, please? — This plant?
Yeah. — No.
I wanna buy it. — No.
Please can I buy it? — No.
Phil Sollen.
Hello, Miss Munther. Hi.
Are you still being a nasty little bully?
Uh...
Yes, miss.
Do you know what happens to bullies?
No, miss. — Do you want to find out?
No. — No.
Now stop being a disgrace and you serve this woman.
SCANNER BEEPS
That's £4.99...
So I take it you were a bit of a wiener at school?
Not a wiener.
It was really nice watching you suffer a little bit
cos you're a bit of an arsehole.
That was amazing! I like your headmistress voice.
Shut up. — Oh!
Sorry, Miss. MIRI CHUCKLES
Why don't you hate me?
I do. A bit.
Good.
But I have a part to play in this.
I haven't been a husband to you lately.
Oscar, please. — No, but it's true.
It is over. I ended it.
For better or worse. And this is extremely worse.
But we've been through so much together, we can do this.
We start again, as of today. Reset.
We will love one another and endure.
SHE SIGHS
What are you doing?
Magazines in the fire paper pile. Toxic fumes, very harmful.
I've been meaning to...
Caroline, I... we have a, um...
Ahem.
Oh, God. — I think I'm, uh...
Ha! I—I—I... keep going, keep going... go on, don't...
Go on, go on, yes.
Yes, yes, keep going.
Whey—hey! HE LAUGHS
Don't you have kids to go home to?
I find parenting much easier after this.
Oh.
So, uh...
Mr Bush Man, is he someone you'd wanna, um...?
No, it's not... well... that.
Agh, it's not like that. — THEY CHUCKLE
Are you still a virgin?
No.No.No.
It's... there, there was Dom.
Oh. That was just the tip though, wasn't it?
Yeah, no, but he got most of it in and then he pulled out and he...
and he came on my, uh, Jamie Oliver poster, which I don't...
I don't think that was... intentional.
Christ. — But it was just next to my bed.
THEY LAUGH
That's your definitive sexual experience. — I know.
Oh, Dom is... is a dirt bag, I mean...
He'd jizz on anything. — Really?
Mm. — Oh...
Yuck.
It's so weird, I thought that my life would be, like, 90% fanny
10% other stuff but it's just not been about my fanny at all.
I've maintained an 80—fanny, 20—other—stuff ratio.
That's really impressive for a headmistress. — Yeah.
THEY CHUCKLE
It's not that easy dating when everyone thinks you're a psychopath.
I don't.
Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?
I used to just lie awake trying to work out what I'd done.
Lara could be like that though.
Oh, come on, this was different. She was... she was feral.
She bit me, for fuck's sake.
Yeah, well...
Do you think she's looking down at us, laughing at our shit lives?
Probably.
I miss her.
MANDY SIGHS Me too.
I really miss you too, you know.
I... I have to get back home.
Oh.
Wait! My bush is in your car.
Hang on.
HE KNOCKS
KNOCK ON DOOR
Hey, I need to speak to Miri.
She's not here. — Miri!
Miri! I need to explain.
I mean, there's literally nowhere she could be hiding——
Miri!
Mate, she's really not here.
Hey. Have you got any chips?
Have I got any chips? — Yeah.
In my fish and chip van? — Yeah.
What a question.
Um, no, I don't, actually. Um... Or fish.
Miri...
And no Miri either.
I'm kind of busy and... — DOM GROANS
DOM YELLS: Miri!
Chips!
Hey. — Hi.
Sorry, I just, um, I got you a... a non—diseased bush.
Wow. Oh.
Are you OK?
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm a bit shocked, but in a way
I—I suppose that's the way...
everyone wants to go, isn't it?
Is... is it?
Yeah, you... you lead a full life, your heart just stops, no pain
no suffering, you... you're peaceful.
Oh, I feel so dreadful. — No, no, come on.
No, but I shouldn't have risen to it, she wasn't well and I was...
I was so awful back to her.
She shat in the box.
What? — The—the—the shit that you got.
Oh, my God, so she, she's the one who graffitied the house too?
No, no, she just posted shit to people that she hated, that was her thing.
That's why I don't talk to my mum anymore.
All—all the other stuff, that was, uh, that was probably the whole of the town.
Oh, brilliant. — SIREN WAILS
Oh, God.
Who's...? — Well, it's probably Tina, isn't it?
Oh. — Yes, it's Tina.
Right, Miri Matteson, you need to come with me.
Uh, no, I'm sorry, hang on.
He will tell you that it was her heart, I had nothing to do——
Yeah, yeah, it was, it was her heart. — TINA: Oh, no, this isn't that.
What?
OFFICER ON RADIO: You won’t believe it, Tina, it’s Miri Matteson again.
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it, Rick.
Listen, I know no one likes being fired
but to light a fire after you've been fired
that's just showing off with words.
And arson. — What fire?
Excuse me, what—what, what's she done wrong? What's this about?
Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't see you standing there behind this massive criminal.
Come on. — Oh, my God, what is happening?
What's happening? — Right, you were fired today.
No, I fired myself.
OK, that doesn't even exist. — It does because I did it.
Oh, II| did it."
That sounds like a confession to me.
No, to firing myself, not to... not to arson.
Oh, so you're a police officer now, are you? — No, I'm not a police officer.
TINA: Yeah, right, well, I am, 18 months and counting.
Not even very long. — It's whizzed by. Seems shorter.
Anyway, come on, get in the car.
But I haven't done anything. I haven't done anything.
Oh, I see!
Sticks and stones might break my bones, but ooh!
I won't get arrested for setting fire to my boss' food truck.
I didn't do that. I didn't. Look, let me speak to Nathan——
Do you know what happened to the girl that cried wolf?
It was a boy and he got eaten.
Right, OK. Well...
Do you know what happened to the liar?
No, because... — Well, liar, liar, pants went on fire.
Oh, my God. — Come on, come on.
That's not even a thing. — Yes, that is a thing.
PHONE CHIMES
KEYS JAN G LE
PHONE CHIMES
VOICEMAIL: You have one new message.
MANDY: lknow who you are, so stay the fuck away from me.
/ mean it.