1
00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:02,274
Mum, Mum, Mum!
— Shit!

2
00:00:03,080 --> 00:00:06,197
Why can't I do anything right?
— Because you don't do anything right!

3
00:00:06,520 --> 00:00:08,033
MIRI: Maybe it's in the car
and it fell out of your pocket?

4
00:00:08,080 --> 00:00:08,910
I'm sure I had it.

5
00:00:09,960 --> 00:00:11,712
Shit!
— It was my wife!

6
00:00:11,760 --> 00:00:13,273
DOM:
Fuck, you're 70!

7
00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:14,679
Viking!

8
00:00:15,040 --> 00:00:17,554
You look terrible. But you’re mine.

9
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,430
I know.

10
00:00:21,680 --> 00:00:22,510
Hello.

11
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:23,749
You killed someone!

12
00:00:23,840 --> 00:00:24,955
You’re married.

13
00:00:25,000 --> 00:00:26,274
Ah, fuck!

14
00:00:26,480 --> 00:00:29,119
Even best friends have secrets, Mandy.

15
00:00:29,160 --> 00:00:30,434
How do you know my name?

16
00:00:30,480 --> 00:00:32,516
Hello, Mr Boback.

17
00:00:54,040 --> 00:00:54,870
Hi, Billy.

18
00:00:55,760 --> 00:00:56,636
Hah.

19
00:00:57,800 --> 00:00:59,279
Bush, it... it smells funny.

20
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,233
Oh! |'l| remember to wash it next time.
Stinky old bush, ha.

21
00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:05,909
Hah, no, it's—it's, uh...
it's got powdery mildew.

22
00:01:05,960 --> 00:01:08,315
What... what, your bush?
— Oh, no, no, it was a joke, um...

23
00:01:08,360 --> 00:01:09,952
about my, um... it doesn't matter.

24
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:12,834
I'm sorry, have you got...
you got a smelly bush?

25
00:01:12,880 --> 00:01:14,598
Just because you said that yours was...

26
00:01:15,920 --> 00:01:18,036
Mine's got an actual disease, Miri.
— Yeah, no, um...

27
00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,196
l was really happy
that you were talking to me and, uh...

28
00:01:20,240 --> 00:01:23,277
and so then I, | just panicked
and I made a really shit joke.

29
00:01:23,480 --> 00:01:24,310
Oh!

30
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:27,030
HE LAUGHS
Oh, I see I get it, the...

31
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:30,431
Yeah, no, there's nothing to get,
cos it's not even slightly funny.

32
00:01:30,640 --> 00:01:33,200
But what I really meant to say was,
it's nice to see you

33
00:01:33,240 --> 00:01:36,596
and it would be great if we could maybe,
I don't know, hang out again one day.

34
00:01:36,640 --> 00:01:38,312
Have an ice—cream. As friends.

35
00:01:38,800 --> 00:01:44,079
Because I had a really nice day with you
and I, and I hope that you did too, so...

36
00:01:45,400 --> 00:01:47,675
Can I think about it?
— Of course. Yeah.

37
00:01:48,040 --> 00:01:49,871
Right, |—| better...
— Yeah, sure.

38
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,949
Sure.
— Gonna go.

39
00:01:53,400 --> 00:01:54,435
Ugh, bush.

40
00:01:54,640 --> 00:01:57,438
It's ten o'clock in the morning, Caroline,
my—my porridge hasn't settled.

41
00:01:58,280 --> 00:02:00,077
Ow!
— Oscar.

42
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:01,755
You need to relax.

43
00:02:01,800 --> 00:02:02,869
Oh, I am relaxed.

44
00:02:03,680 --> 00:02:04,510
Oh!

45
00:02:04,960 --> 00:02:07,315
Bloody hell. What are you doing, Caroline?

46
00:02:07,400 --> 00:02:08,469
I'm-I'm just trying to...

47
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:09,396
It tickles.

48
00:02:09,440 --> 00:02:10,873
HE LAUGHS
— Relax.

49
00:02:10,920 --> 00:02:11,750
OK.

50
00:02:13,320 --> 00:02:16,118
HE EXHALES

51
00:02:17,120 --> 00:02:18,838
HE FARTS
— Oscar!

52
00:02:18,960 --> 00:02:19,870
I'm so sorry.

53
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,437
I will not be defeated by a fart.

54
00:02:44,280 --> 00:02:45,679
ANNA:
Hello there, pretty girl.

55
00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:48,710
Hi.

56
00:02:50,280 --> 00:02:55,673
I saw you and Billy making amends
and I want to apologise too.

57
00:02:55,960 --> 00:02:57,439
l have a jealous streak.

58
00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:00,672
I really appreciate that.
Um, and I'm so sorry too.

59
00:03:00,720 --> 00:03:02,073
I had no idea that you guys were...

60
00:03:02,480 --> 00:03:03,959
Let us never mention it again.

61
00:03:05,200 --> 00:03:07,509
It's hard, isn't it, life?

62
00:03:07,960 --> 00:03:08,790
Yeah.

63
00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:11,794
How are you?
— Um, I'm good, thanks.

64
00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:13,791
Fresh start. New beginnings.

65
00:03:14,000 --> 00:03:15,956
Well, it's, um, it's a lovely day, so...

66
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:17,479
Isn't it? Crisp.

67
00:03:18,360 --> 00:03:20,749
Ah, there's nothing quite like winter sun,
is there?

68
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,353
Mm. How are you?

69
00:03:22,680 --> 00:03:25,592
Oh, I feel fabulous. Thank you for asking.

70
00:03:25,640 --> 00:03:26,629
Oh, I'm so glad.

71
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,234
Light as a feather.

72
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:30,670
Clean as a whistle, inside and out.

73
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:31,590
Oh!

74
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:34,234
I do wonder though, sometimes.

75
00:03:34,680 --> 00:03:35,715
Oh, what do you wonder?

76
00:03:35,760 --> 00:03:38,558
I wonder what it's like being a harlot

77
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:41,276
slut, killer.

78
00:03:41,560 --> 00:03:42,834
A man—stealer.

79
00:03:43,280 --> 00:03:44,315
Cunty head.

80
00:03:44,560 --> 00:03:49,031
Um...
— A great, big fat fucker—fuckity—fucker.

81
00:03:49,520 --> 00:03:52,990
Alright, you're obviously having a bad day,
so I'm—I'm not gonna take offence.

82
00:03:53,040 --> 00:03:54,189
Oh, I'm very well.

83
00:03:54,240 --> 00:03:56,151
Right now, never been better.

84
00:03:56,480 --> 00:04:01,190
Just a woman in her prime,
taking a good, hard look at a psycho

85
00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:07,071
husband—stealing fuck—biscuit
casually bathing her sin in the sun.

86
00:04:07,480 --> 00:04:09,550
Wow.
— While she should be rotting to death

87
00:04:09,600 --> 00:04:10,589
in a prison cell.

88
00:04:10,640 --> 00:04:11,709
That's really nice.

89
00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,070
Look, it's not working,
|—| need to get back to my...

90
00:04:14,120 --> 00:04:15,314
No, it's been too long.

91
00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:19,270
We need to make it part of our routine,
like porridge.

92
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:20,909
Porridge?
— Yes.

93
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:22,310
But a bit sexier.

94
00:04:24,040 --> 00:04:25,473
ANNA (VO):
Slut fucker.

95
00:04:25,800 --> 00:04:27,233
Shit slit.

96
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,675
Sorry, can you just stop it now? Stop it.

97
00:04:29,720 --> 00:04:32,188
Rot. Rot, rot!

98
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,636
Dirty little prison killer.

99
00:04:34,760 --> 00:04:37,877
You don't know anything about me.
Just leave me alone.

100
00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:39,114
Stop being so mean.

101
00:04:39,160 --> 00:04:42,630
I know you've got a great, big hungry pussy
and nobody wants it.

102
00:04:42,840 --> 00:04:45,308
Not my husband. No one.

103
00:04:45,520 --> 00:04:48,432
You will always be alone!

104
00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,078
Oh, fuck off and die!

105
00:04:54,360 --> 00:04:55,190
Anna?

106
00:04:56,600 --> 00:04:58,318
Anna? Oh...

107
00:04:58,880 --> 00:04:59,710
Anna?

108
00:05:00,280 --> 00:05:02,589
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS

109
00:05:04,640 --> 00:05:05,550
CAROLINE:
Poor woman.

110
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,068
I never got to know her.

111
00:05:07,440 --> 00:05:09,158
Now we definitely won't. Huh.

112
00:05:10,800 --> 00:05:13,314
Hello, Tina.
— Mrs Matteson, Mr Matteson.

113
00:05:13,680 --> 00:05:15,830
Um, Miri Matteson, can I have a quick word?

114
00:05:15,880 --> 00:05:17,677
Actually, I'm a bit late for work, so I'm...

115
00:05:17,720 --> 00:05:20,109
OFFICER ON RADIO: Apparently the deceased
was talking to that psycho

116
00:05:20,160 --> 00:05:22,116
that killed Chief Inspector Boback’s girl.

117
00:05:22,160 --> 00:05:23,798
Yeah, I'm—I'm with her now, Rick.

118
00:05:24,280 --> 00:05:28,273
So, uh, apparently you were
the last person to speak to the deceased.

119
00:05:28,320 --> 00:05:30,788
Yeah, we, we, uh... we did converse, yes.
— Right.

120
00:05:30,840 --> 00:05:32,876
What was said?
— Uh, so we had a chat.

121
00:05:32,920 --> 00:05:34,433
Yeah.
— Yeah, what did she say?

122
00:05:34,480 --> 00:05:35,515
Said it's nice weather.

123
00:05:35,560 --> 00:05:37,278
Well, yeah. Yeah, it is lovely.

124
00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,788
So I said "yes, it is,"
and then she said it was crisp.

125
00:05:39,920 --> 00:05:40,796
"Crisp."
— Yeah.

126
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:42,353
Yeah, it is crisp.
— Mm—hm.

127
00:05:42,960 --> 00:05:44,871
Uh, yeah, she seemed really, very lucid.

128
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:46,468
Interesting.
— Yeah.

129
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,999
Um, but then she sort of changed tack.

130
00:05:50,120 --> 00:05:50,950
OK.

131
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:53,434
Sort of conversationally,
it went in a different direction.

132
00:05:53,720 --> 00:05:56,757
OK. In sort of, for example...?

133
00:05:57,880 --> 00:05:59,677
"Slut, whore, shit slit

134
00:05:59,720 --> 00:06:01,676
dirty little... uh, husband fucker

135
00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:03,438
rot, rot in prison, you killer

136
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:05,391
killer, killer, killer, killer, killer

137
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:07,591
killer... killer."

138
00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:08,556
Stuff like that.

139
00:06:09,480 --> 00:06:11,311
Right. Anything else?

140
00:06:12,120 --> 00:06:13,269
Um...

141
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:14,355
Come on, it is important.

142
00:06:14,720 --> 00:06:16,073
She said that I...

143
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,548
she said that I had
a great, big greedy pussy, so...

144
00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:20,430
OK.

145
00:06:21,120 --> 00:06:22,678
Is that true?
— What?

146
00:06:22,720 --> 00:06:23,755
Sorry, what? No!

147
00:06:23,880 --> 00:06:26,110
Alright, calm down.
It... it's a fair question.

148
00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,070
I am calm.

149
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:30,476
Right. And, um, what was your response?

150
00:06:30,720 --> 00:06:33,314
SHE MUMBLES UNDER HER BREATH

151
00:06:34,280 --> 00:06:36,510
No, what I mean...
Did you say anything to her before she died?

152
00:06:36,560 --> 00:06:37,629
Uh, "fuck off and die."

153
00:06:39,160 --> 00:06:43,039
But, so... I'm aware that doesn't...
doesn't sound very, very good.

154
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,197
No.
— But you can see how I got there.

155
00:06:45,240 --> 00:06:47,435
You know, I just... I snapped.
— Snapped, right.

156
00:06:47,480 --> 00:06:49,152
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

157
00:06:49,320 --> 00:06:50,355
No. Oh, my God.

158
00:06:50,400 --> 00:06:51,879
No, no? Or yes?
— List... ugh.

159
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:55,674
No, well, yeah, no, but just, this is, uh...
Can I just say that this is incredibly...

160
00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:57,796
This is really rubbish for me.

161
00:06:58,240 --> 00:06:59,229
TINA:
Worse for her.

162
00:06:59,560 --> 00:07:01,994
Well, let's just see
what the coroner's report says, yeah?

163
00:07:02,040 --> 00:07:03,109
Oh, come on, you can't...

164
00:07:03,160 --> 00:07:05,879
like, you know, like, with words,
that's just...

165
00:07:06,200 --> 00:07:09,192
Ah, sticks and stones will break my bones
but words will never hurt me.

166
00:07:09,240 --> 00:07:11,151
OK, well, we all know that isn't true.

167
00:07:11,640 --> 00:07:14,598
"Tina Tiny Tits,
you're so weak, you're a freak."

168
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:18,470
So you smile through your tears
and you just say "words'll never hurt me."

169
00:07:19,280 --> 00:07:22,158
And then, um, and then you become
a policewoman with a truncheon

170
00:07:23,040 --> 00:07:25,838
so, uh... I'll be in touch, yeah?

171
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:26,790
OK.

172
00:07:29,320 --> 00:07:31,356
Billy, I can explain everything.

173
00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:32,674
BILLY:
Just leave me alone.

174
00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:34,674
MIRI:
I'm so sorry.

175
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:37,875
Oh, Christ.

176
00:07:38,320 --> 00:07:40,788
Billy, I'm not a bad person,
it was just a very...

177
00:07:40,880 --> 00:07:43,235
a very unfortunate coincidence.

178
00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,195
Shit.

179
00:07:46,600 --> 00:07:48,352
POLICE RADIO CHATTERS

180
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,355
What?
Show's over, go and have your breakfast.

181
00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:04,039
NATHAN:
Ah, you found me then.

182
00:08:05,520 --> 00:08:08,114
I'm so sorry, I had an awful morning.

183
00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:09,994
Thanks for coming back.

184
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:12,914
80, um, what happened to the shop?

185
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:13,870
This is the shop now.

186
00:08:14,320 --> 00:08:15,992
Yeah, it's much better.

187
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,390
Nimbler. You can't drive a shop around.

188
00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:20,314
Are you sleeping here?

189
00:08:20,440 --> 00:08:21,714
A bit.

190
00:08:21,760 --> 00:08:23,876
It's fun. It's like bivouacking.

191
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,911
Oh, my God, it's because of me.

192
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:29,873
Look, it's not easy having a murd...

193
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:32,468
murderer or murderess, which do you prefer?

194
00:08:32,520 --> 00:08:33,635
Neither.
— Um...

195
00:08:33,960 --> 00:08:34,790
A "killer"!

196
00:08:35,160 --> 00:08:37,390
Uh, front of house, puts people off

197
00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:41,152
Anyway, they will come round.

198
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:43,236
It's not like you're gonna be killing
anyone else, is it?

199
00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,953
Ah...

200
00:08:45,000 --> 00:08:46,194
Arr...
— Oh, fuck.

201
00:08:46,240 --> 00:08:48,231
No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

202
00:08:48,280 --> 00:08:49,599
Don't panic, don't panic, no.

203
00:08:49,680 --> 00:08:50,669
No. Look.

204
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:53,189
She was my neighbour, she was very, very old.

205
00:08:53,240 --> 00:08:57,313
We were just talking and... she died

206
00:08:57,440 --> 00:08:59,431
but it's absolutely fine, it's fine.

207
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:00,674
Not for her.
— No.

208
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:01,835
Obviously not for her.

209
00:09:01,880 --> 00:09:03,871
Having the grim reaper for a neighbour.

210
00:09:03,960 --> 00:09:05,632
It was a tragic coincidence.

211
00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,910
Maybe you should warn people,
carry a scythe or something.

212
00:09:08,080 --> 00:09:10,071
Actually not fair, that's not...
— OK.

213
00:09:10,120 --> 00:09:10,996
...very nice.

214
00:09:11,040 --> 00:09:13,190
Ah, shit the bed.
— Are you... are you OK?

215
00:09:13,240 --> 00:09:14,229
It's all too much.

216
00:09:14,840 --> 00:09:16,592
Are you alright?
— It's all too much, Miri.

217
00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:18,676
MIRI:
Just breathe. Just have a little breathe, OK?

218
00:09:23,160 --> 00:09:24,434
HE SIGHS
— Nathan...

219
00:09:25,160 --> 00:09:26,673
you need to fire me.
— Nope.

220
00:09:27,000 --> 00:09:28,353
Just do it.
— I can't.

221
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:30,516
Then I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna fire myself.
— But I don't want you to.

222
00:09:30,560 --> 00:09:31,629
Wait there, wait a second.

223
00:09:32,280 --> 00:09:33,838
lN DEEP VOICE:
Miri, you're fired.

224
00:09:33,880 --> 00:09:35,791
Oh! Oh, well, that's fine.

225
00:09:35,880 --> 00:09:37,791
Thank you so much
for giving me a chance, Nathan.

226
00:09:37,840 --> 00:09:39,239
lN DEEP VOICE:
It's alright. Bye, Miri.

227
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,395
It's done. It was really easy.

228
00:09:42,080 --> 00:09:45,117
You're like Paul McKenna, making me do that.
— That's what they say.

229
00:09:47,960 --> 00:09:48,915
You could be me.

230
00:09:49,480 --> 00:09:50,356
That's true.

231
00:09:51,600 --> 00:09:54,068
Bye, Nathan. Good luck.

232
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:55,509
Keep your pecker up.

233
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,354
Anything?
— No.

234
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,798
Think of me with another woman, hm?

235
00:10:04,320 --> 00:10:07,073
Imagine I may be rubbing cream into her.

236
00:10:07,160 --> 00:10:08,070
Oh, uh...

237
00:10:09,960 --> 00:10:11,188
No.
— What?

238
00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,595
I saw that dead woman.
— Oh, think of someone else.

239
00:10:13,640 --> 00:10:14,516
Well, who?

240
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,116
Marilyn Monroe, Grace Kelly.

241
00:10:17,200 --> 00:10:18,269
More dead women?

242
00:10:18,320 --> 00:10:22,029
Oh...
— Look, maybe we just, uh, squidge it in.

243
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:23,752
Oh!
— I'm sorry...

244
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:30,719
|—| really want to, | just...
I just don't know why I can't.

245
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:33,673
Don't worry, darling. We'll sort this out.

246
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:35,396
Together.

247
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,754
Stop stalking me.
— You killed your neighbour's wife?

248
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:44,074
MIRI:
No, I did not.

249
00:10:44,120 --> 00:10:45,758
MANDY:
Well, you're trending on local Twitter.

250
00:10:45,800 --> 00:10:47,074
Oh, for God's sake.

251
00:10:47,240 --> 00:10:49,959
I'm only getting in cos I don't have a phone,
don't get excited.

252
00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,753
Ugh... give it to me.

253
00:10:53,840 --> 00:10:56,957
Oh, God, this is ridiculous,
|—| didn't do anything.

254
00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,517
Who was that weird guy asking questions
about you yesterday, with the beard?

255
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,999
I don't really know,
some kind of investigator.

256
00:11:02,040 --> 00:11:03,871
Oh, my God, who are these people?
— Investigator?

257
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:06,354
I don't like him. He's creepy.
— Oh, social media is evil.

258
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,109
Miri, you're not listening.

259
00:11:08,160 --> 00:11:11,675
He creeped me out, I think he wants
to turn us into the Human Centipede.

260
00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,869
People think I've killed someone

261
00:11:12,920 --> 00:11:14,638
so I've got slightly bigger things
to worry about right now.

262
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:16,870
Well, have you ever seen the Human Centipede?

263
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:20,310
No, but l—l read it, | read it, like,
on Monday he has a plum

264
00:11:20,360 --> 00:11:22,669
on Tuesday he has an apple,
then he eats a bit more fruit

265
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:25,075
has a bit of cake, turns into a butterfly,
flies away.

266
00:11:25,120 --> 00:11:27,953
To be honest, I would absolutely love
to be him right now.

267
00:11:28,360 --> 00:11:30,157
That's the Hungry Caterpillar.

268
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:32,510
Oh, right, what's the Human Centipede?
— It's...

269
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:34,909
when your mouth gets sewn
to someone's arsehole.

270
00:11:35,160 --> 00:11:37,390
Oh! Oh, oh, that's a bit more concerning.

271
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:39,590
Yes, it is.
— Listen, can you do me a favour?

272
00:11:39,760 --> 00:11:41,716
I need to get my neighbour a present,
can you lend me some money

273
00:11:41,760 --> 00:11:43,478
and just drive me, drive me to a shop?

274
00:11:43,720 --> 00:11:46,792
I mean, I do actually have a staff meeting,
which, um...

275
00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:49,469
it means fuck all, so, yeah, why not?
— Yay!

276
00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,071
It's like the old days.
— What is?

277
00:11:52,120 --> 00:11:53,758
You and me on an adventure.

278
00:11:54,480 --> 00:11:56,038
We never went anywhere.
— Yeah, we did!

279
00:11:56,080 --> 00:11:58,435
Spliffs on the beach, the arcades...

280
00:11:59,360 --> 00:12:00,509
the Co—op.

281
00:12:00,560 --> 00:12:02,994
My main memory is me waiting
a few feet away while you got fingered

282
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,270
in pretty much any location
by pretty much anyone.

283
00:12:05,320 --> 00:12:07,197
Can you drive?
— You'll have to get down.

284
00:12:07,640 --> 00:12:09,471
Why?
— No, seriously, I can't be seen with you.

285
00:12:09,760 --> 00:12:10,954
Oh, for fuck's sake.

286
00:12:11,000 --> 00:12:11,830
Down.

287
00:12:12,040 --> 00:12:13,075
Why?
— Lower.

288
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:14,396
Ugh.

289
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:18,475
You know, to help with things... down there.

290
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,471
Canesten pessary for thrush?

291
00:12:20,520 --> 00:12:22,636
To encourage firmness.

292
00:12:22,880 --> 00:12:24,108
In the stool?
— No!

293
00:12:24,320 --> 00:12:25,275
You know.

294
00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:28,076
They're blue.
— I'm sorry?

295
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:30,759
For men... downstairs.

296
00:12:31,040 --> 00:12:32,951
Bruised testicles.
— Viagra!

297
00:12:34,360 --> 00:12:35,588
SHE WHISPERS:
Bloody Viagra.

298
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:37,951
No. Sorry, we sold out.

299
00:12:38,920 --> 00:12:41,753
They've sold out. Everyone old is having sex.

300
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,473
Oh.
— OSCAR: You!

301
00:12:48,080 --> 00:12:49,149
CAROLINE:
Oh, my God.

302
00:12:50,680 --> 00:12:51,908
SHE GASPS

303
00:12:53,160 --> 00:12:55,196
Hey, man, I'm just getting nappies.

304
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,314
Fucking scared of you...

305
00:13:06,760 --> 00:13:08,751
I fired her and... and she went nuts.

306
00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:12,116
She threatened me,
she said she was gonna do something

307
00:13:12,360 --> 00:13:15,397
something bad, she said.
Uh, probably tonight.

308
00:13:15,440 --> 00:13:16,759
TINA ON PHONE:
Like What, sir?

309
00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:19,348
I really don't know. I really don't know.

310
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:21,391
And what’s the name of this angry woman?

311
00:13:21,440 --> 00:13:23,396
Miri Matteson. That's her name.

312
00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:25,198
Big surprise. On it, sir.

313
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:26,116
Thank you.

314
00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:30,435
Shit.

315
00:13:32,120 --> 00:13:35,112
Do you think I should get him a card as well?
— Sorry, don't talk to me.

316
00:13:35,160 --> 00:13:37,913
l... I can't be seen with you.
— You're just gonna leave me?

317
00:13:37,960 --> 00:13:39,279
I need to get my wine.

318
00:13:44,520 --> 00:13:46,431
Oh, my God! It's you.

319
00:13:46,800 --> 00:13:49,268
Yes.
— You know, my mum is your biggest fan.

320
00:13:49,320 --> 00:13:50,275
Really?
— No.

321
00:13:50,800 --> 00:13:53,473
She does not like you. You're a murderer.

322
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:55,114
And she says you dress funny.

323
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:57,598
Great, can I just...
I just wanna buy a plant——

324
00:13:57,640 --> 00:13:59,232
Did you wear that in prison?
— No, can I just...

325
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:00,508
can I buy this, please?
— This plant?

326
00:14:00,720 --> 00:14:01,550
Yeah.
— No.

327
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:02,589
I wanna buy it.
— No.

328
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:03,868
Please can I buy it?
— No.

329
00:14:03,960 --> 00:14:04,836
Phil Sollen.

330
00:14:05,920 --> 00:14:07,114
Hello, Miss Munther. Hi.

331
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:08,958
Are you still being a nasty little bully?

332
00:14:10,120 --> 00:14:10,996
Uh...

333
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:12,470
Yes, miss.

334
00:14:12,520 --> 00:14:13,999
Do you know what happens to bullies?

335
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:17,072
No, miss.
— Do you want to find out?

336
00:14:17,800 --> 00:14:18,869
No.
— No.

337
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:21,720
Now stop being a disgrace
and you serve this woman.

338
00:14:24,240 --> 00:14:25,434
SCANNER BEEPS

339
00:14:29,640 --> 00:14:30,993
That's £4.99...

340
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,429
So I take it you were
a bit of a wiener at school?

341
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:34,590
Not a wiener.

342
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:37,837
It was really nice
watching you suffer a little bit

343
00:14:37,880 --> 00:14:39,598
cos you're a bit of an arsehole.

344
00:14:42,240 --> 00:14:44,071
That was amazing!
I like your headmistress voice.

345
00:14:44,120 --> 00:14:44,950
Shut up.
— Oh!

346
00:14:45,000 --> 00:14:46,115
Sorry, Miss.
MIRI CHUCKLES

347
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:02,914
Why don't you hate me?

348
00:15:03,000 --> 00:15:04,592
I do. A bit.

349
00:15:04,960 --> 00:15:05,790
Good.

350
00:15:06,680 --> 00:15:08,272
But I have a part to play in this.

351
00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:10,591
I haven't been a husband to you lately.

352
00:15:10,640 --> 00:15:12,517
Oscar, please.
— No, but it's true.

353
00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,115
It is over. I ended it.

354
00:15:18,560 --> 00:15:21,597
For better or worse.
And this is extremely worse.

355
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:27,874
But we've been through so much together,
we can do this.

356
00:15:28,080 --> 00:15:30,753
We start again, as of today. Reset.

357
00:15:31,680 --> 00:15:34,911
We will love one another and endure.

358
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,393
SHE SIGHS

359
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:52,630
What are you doing?

360
00:15:53,680 --> 00:15:57,753
Magazines in the fire paper pile.
Toxic fumes, very harmful.

361
00:15:57,800 --> 00:15:58,949
I've been meaning to...

362
00:15:59,680 --> 00:16:01,830
Caroline, I... we have a, um...

363
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:02,756
Ahem.

364
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:04,559
Oh, God.
— I think I'm, uh...

365
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:07,719
Ha! I—I—I... keep going, keep going...
go on, don't...

366
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:09,549
Go on, go on, yes.

367
00:16:09,800 --> 00:16:11,836
Yes, yes, keep going.

368
00:16:12,520 --> 00:16:15,512
Whey—hey!
HE LAUGHS

369
00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:19,633
Don't you have kids to go home to?

370
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:22,514
I find parenting much easier after this.

371
00:16:22,880 --> 00:16:23,710
Oh.

372
00:16:26,760 --> 00:16:27,670
So, uh...

373
00:16:29,720 --> 00:16:32,393
Mr Bush Man,
is he someone you'd wanna, um...?

374
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:35,112
No, it's not... well... that.

375
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,830
Agh, it's not like that.
— THEY CHUCKLE

376
00:16:39,360 --> 00:16:40,634
Are you still a virgin?

377
00:16:41,320 --> 00:16:42,833
No.No.No.

378
00:16:42,880 --> 00:16:44,518
It's... there, there was Dom.

379
00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:46,630
Oh. That was just the tip though, wasn't it?

380
00:16:46,680 --> 00:16:49,319
Yeah, no, but he got most of it in
and then he pulled out and he...

381
00:16:49,600 --> 00:16:52,910
and he came on my, uh, Jamie Oliver poster,
which I don't...

382
00:16:53,840 --> 00:16:56,513
I don't think that was... intentional.

383
00:16:56,560 --> 00:16:58,755
Christ.
— But it was just next to my bed.

384
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:00,313
THEY LAUGH

385
00:17:00,440 --> 00:17:03,113
That's your definitive sexual experience.
— I know.

386
00:17:03,160 --> 00:17:05,515
Oh, Dom is... is a dirt bag, I mean...

387
00:17:06,520 --> 00:17:08,033
He'd jizz on anything.
— Really?

388
00:17:08,080 --> 00:17:09,229
Mm.
— Oh...

389
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:11,070
Yuck.

390
00:17:11,760 --> 00:17:15,514
It's so weird, I thought that my life
would be, like, 90% fanny

391
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:18,632
10% other stuff but it's just not been
about my fanny at all.

392
00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:23,315
I've maintained an 80—fanny,
20—other—stuff ratio.

393
00:17:23,360 --> 00:17:25,316
That's really impressive for a headmistress.
— Yeah.

394
00:17:25,360 --> 00:17:26,839
THEY CHUCKLE

395
00:17:26,880 --> 00:17:29,678
It's not that easy dating when everyone
thinks you're a psychopath.

396
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:30,670
I don't.

397
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:36,116
Why was she so angry with me, Mandy?

398
00:17:36,640 --> 00:17:40,918
I used to just lie awake
trying to work out what I'd done.

399
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,679
Lara could be like that though.

400
00:17:42,920 --> 00:17:45,593
Oh, come on, this was different.
She was... she was feral.

401
00:17:45,640 --> 00:17:46,993
She bit me, for fuck's sake.

402
00:17:47,040 --> 00:17:48,712
Yeah, well...

403
00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:53,472
Do you think she's looking down at us,
laughing at our shit lives?

404
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:55,390
Probably.

405
00:17:59,000 --> 00:17:59,955
I miss her.

406
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:02,437
MANDY SIGHS
Me too.

407
00:18:05,600 --> 00:18:07,113
I really miss you too, you know.

408
00:18:20,160 --> 00:18:21,798
I... I have to get back home.

409
00:18:22,280 --> 00:18:23,110
Oh.

410
00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:30,151
Wait! My bush is in your car.

411
00:18:30,760 --> 00:18:31,636
Hang on.

412
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:34,788
HE KNOCKS

413
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,633
KNOCK ON DOOR

414
00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:40,196
Hey, I need to speak to Miri.

415
00:18:40,320 --> 00:18:41,878
She's not here.
— Miri!

416
00:18:43,960 --> 00:18:45,712
Miri! I need to explain.

417
00:18:45,760 --> 00:18:47,637
I mean, there's literally nowhere
she could be hiding——

418
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:48,556
Miri!

419
00:18:49,520 --> 00:18:50,839
Mate, she's really not here.

420
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,675
Hey. Have you got any chips?

421
00:18:55,280 --> 00:18:56,918
Have I got any chips?
— Yeah.

422
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:59,076
In my fish and chip van?
— Yeah.

423
00:18:59,120 --> 00:19:00,075
What a question.

424
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,632
Um, no, I don't, actually. Um... Or fish.

425
00:19:05,960 --> 00:19:06,836
Miri...

426
00:19:07,040 --> 00:19:08,553
And no Miri either.

427
00:19:09,760 --> 00:19:11,239
I'm kind of busy and...
— DOM GROANS

428
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:16,194
DOM YELLS:
Miri!

429
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:18,076
Chips!

430
00:19:27,600 --> 00:19:28,635
Hey.
— Hi.

431
00:19:28,680 --> 00:19:31,990
Sorry, I just, um, I got you a...
a non—diseased bush.

432
00:19:32,600 --> 00:19:33,999
Wow. Oh.

433
00:19:34,560 --> 00:19:35,436
Are you OK?

434
00:19:36,760 --> 00:19:40,878
Yeah. Yeah, well, I'm a bit shocked,
but in a way

435
00:19:40,920 --> 00:19:42,148
I—I suppose that's the way...

436
00:19:42,800 --> 00:19:44,074
everyone wants to go, isn't it?

437
00:19:44,600 --> 00:19:45,476
Is... is it?

438
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,512
Yeah, you... you lead a full life,
your heart just stops, no pain

439
00:19:48,560 --> 00:19:50,915
no suffering, you... you're peaceful.

440
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,110
Oh, I feel so dreadful.
— No, no, come on.

441
00:19:53,280 --> 00:19:55,635
No, but I shouldn't have risen to it,
she wasn't well and I was...

442
00:19:55,680 --> 00:19:56,954
I was so awful back to her.

443
00:19:57,240 --> 00:19:58,355
She shat in the box.

444
00:19:58,480 --> 00:20:00,550
What?
— The—the—the shit that you got.

445
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:03,634
Oh, my God, so she, she's the one
who graffitied the house too?

446
00:20:03,680 --> 00:20:06,990
No, no, she just posted shit to people
that she hated, that was her thing.

447
00:20:07,040 --> 00:20:08,473
That's why I don't talk to my mum anymore.

448
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:12,992
All—all the other stuff, that was, uh,
that was probably the whole of the town.

449
00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:14,678
Oh, brilliant.
— SIREN WAILS

450
00:20:16,280 --> 00:20:17,190
Oh, God.

451
00:20:17,240 --> 00:20:19,151
Who's...?
— Well, it's probably Tina, isn't it?

452
00:20:19,200 --> 00:20:21,111
Oh.
— Yes, it's Tina.

453
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,230
Right, Miri Matteson,
you need to come with me.

454
00:20:23,280 --> 00:20:24,679
Uh, no, I'm sorry, hang on.

455
00:20:24,720 --> 00:20:27,473
He will tell you that it was her heart,
I had nothing to do——

456
00:20:27,520 --> 00:20:29,829
Yeah, yeah, it was, it was her heart.
— TINA: Oh, no, this isn't that.

457
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:30,710
What?

458
00:20:30,800 --> 00:20:33,360
OFFICER ON RADIO: You won’t believe it, Tina,
it’s Miri Matteson again.

459
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:34,674
Yeah, yeah, I'm on it, Rick.

460
00:20:35,520 --> 00:20:37,317
Listen, I know no one likes being fired

461
00:20:37,400 --> 00:20:39,914
but to light a fire after you've been fired

462
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:42,191
that's just showing off with words.

463
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:44,112
And arson.
— What fire?

464
00:20:44,160 --> 00:20:46,993
Excuse me, what—what, what's she done wrong?
What's this about?

465
00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:50,237
Oh, hi, sorry, I didn't see you
standing there behind this massive criminal.

466
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:52,077
Come on.
— Oh, my God, what is happening?

467
00:20:52,120 --> 00:20:54,076
What's happening?
— Right, you were fired today.

468
00:20:54,120 --> 00:20:55,269
No, I fired myself.

469
00:20:55,360 --> 00:20:58,158
OK, that doesn't even exist.
— It does because I did it.

470
00:20:58,200 --> 00:20:59,428
Oh, II| did it."

471
00:20:59,480 --> 00:21:01,198
That sounds like a confession to me.

472
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:04,556
No, to firing myself, not to... not to arson.

473
00:21:04,600 --> 00:21:07,910
Oh, so you're a police officer now, are you?
— No, I'm not a police officer.

474
00:21:07,960 --> 00:21:09,916
TINA: Yeah, right, well, I am,
18 months and counting.

475
00:21:09,960 --> 00:21:13,032
Not even very long.
— It's whizzed by. Seems shorter.

476
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:16,519
Anyway, come on, get in the car.

477
00:21:16,560 --> 00:21:18,471
But I haven't done anything.
I haven't done anything.

478
00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:19,839
Oh, I see!

479
00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,111
Sticks and stones
might break my bones, but ooh!

480
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:25,277
I won't get arrested for setting fire
to my boss' food truck.

481
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,788
I didn't do that. I didn't.
Look, let me speak to Nathan——

482
00:21:27,840 --> 00:21:29,512
Do you know what happened
to the girl that cried wolf?

483
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:30,788
It was a boy and he got eaten.

484
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,752
Right, OK. Well...

485
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,430
Do you know what happened to the liar?

486
00:21:36,480 --> 00:21:40,712
No, because...
— Well, liar, liar, pants went on fire.

487
00:21:40,760 --> 00:21:41,909
Oh, my God.
— Come on, come on.

488
00:21:41,960 --> 00:21:43,837
That's not even a thing.
— Yes, that is a thing.

489
00:21:49,720 --> 00:21:50,994
PHONE CHIMES

490
00:21:58,720 --> 00:21:59,914
PHONE CHIMES

491
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,193
KEYS JAN G LE

492
00:22:22,400 --> 00:22:23,753
PHONE CHIMES

493
00:22:29,960 --> 00:22:32,030
VOICEMAIL:
You have one new message.

494
00:22:32,200 --> 00:22:35,272
MANDY: lknow who you are,
so stay the fuck away from me.

495
00:22:36,680 --> 00:22:37,669
/ mean it.