I saw you on the swing. — Were you watching me?
Not in a creepy way.
It's my first day at work and I'm already nervous.
Welcome back, Miri Matteson.
I don't remember you.
Because we only just met.
Oh, my God, can you just get it into your big, stupid married head
that this is not gonna happen? Goodbye.
Up a bit higher.
Like this? — Yeah.
I can't believe I didn't realise.
What? — Well, the caterpillar.
Oh, God.
You need me. — No, I don't.
Yeah, you're lonely. — No, I'm not.
Apparently it's where some girl bludgeoned someone to death.
It's not the version I heard.
Apart from that, you're just like a normal person, really.
I am a normal person.
THEY SCREAM — Shit the bed!
SHE SIGHS
MANDY ON TAPE: Right, OK, I’ll start.
MIRI ON TAPE: Oh, Mandy’s gonna start!
MANDY: Miri, you ’re not taking it seriously. — MIRI: / am taking it serious!
But you ’re taking it too seriously, I’m just gonna start.
SHE SINGS: # Last night/ was dreaming #
# / was locked in a prison cell #
THEY LAUGH — BOTH SING: # When / woke up #
# l was screaming, calling out your name. #
WOMAN: Let me guess, you spoke to Kathy.
She said we could wait and Elsie would be squeezed in.
Well, Kathy mainlines CBD oil, so...
if you wanna wait, it's your life.
Next!
Hi, my name's Miri Matteson, I haven't been here for ages
but I need to re—register.
Your last visit was September 2000.
Yeah. — That's a long time ago.
I'm, uh... I'm very healthy.
Well, I need an updated ID and proof of address.
Uh, I don't, I don't have anything at the moment.
Bank statement, home insurance?
I'm—I'm not on any of the bills.
So you don't pay bills?
Oh, no, it's my parents' house.
Wish my parents paid for me.
It's not like that. — Mobile bill?
Oh, I don't have a mobile.
How can you not have a mobile?
Look, | just need a doctor to look at my head.
Well, | just need a proof of residence.
| live there.
Yes, I know, with Mummy and Daddy who pay the bills
but I'm gonna need a piece of paper that tells me that.
OK, so what if I've been away for a long time?
Where have you been? — Somewhere.
Where? — Does it matter?
Look, I have an infected cut on my head and I need to see a doctor.
Go to A&E.
No hospitals, I want to come here.
Well, then you're gonna have to start being a big grown—up girl
that pays some bills now, aren't you?
Next!
I'm sorry.
Also, not sorry.
Oh, my God.
SHE GASPS
I got the ones round the back. I could re—use the Blu—tac.
Oh, God, I'm so sorry, this and the smashed window.
It's fine, I'm just waiting for some new glass, so...
I can't open.
The brick was meant for me, it wasn't meant to ruin your new business.
Mm, I don't know. I'm sort of a murderer too.
I'm the pie shop destroyer, so, we're both outsiders
and it could've been meant for both of us. — Yeah, I really doubt that.
Look, just go and have a nice day off.
When was the last time you did something nice, un—prison—y?
Go to the 200 or something.
I don't wanna go to the zoo, I wanna work and I wanna help.
Yeah, and you will, as soon as I've got a new window
and some customers again.
It's all good. Keep your chin up.
We can't let the bastards win, can we?
No. — No!
No! — That's the spirit. High five.
Oh. — Oh, sorry.
Try again. — Yeah.
Con... you've gotta concentrate.
I tell you what, little tip, look at the elbow.
OK. — Always works.
This could've cost me my job, Janice, and my job is all l have right now.
Bullshit. You're one of the lucky ones.
One of the most privileged girls I've dealt with.
I'm getting shit sent to me, Janice.
Graffiti on the house and now somebody's putting these things all around town.
I know this is frustrating, but take a step back
a bit of prank poopy.
Realpoopy - Ooh! '
Someone's got a new photocopier!
It's not like the victim's father's turned up at your work and stabbed you
in front of nine people with a sword
which hasn't ever happened actually. — Oh, my God...
Your life post—prison is going really well, you need to realise that and be grateful.
I deal with broken women all day long, and you, you've got it all.
You just need to lower your expectations and get over yourself a bit
in a nice way.
Oh...
you look like a rabbit. — Alright, thanks.
Lara Boback.
Here's a tip, if you're gonna kill someone, don't kill a copper's daughter.
Janice! — I'm just saying.
Oh, God.
I keep, um...
I keep listening to this, uh, this tape that we made
the... the day before it happened.
Oh, my God.
What?
You can't change what is done, it's done.
You can only change what you haven't done
yet... like, right now.
What? — Eh?
What? — Look, I'm tired.
You know what, take that tape, dash it in the bin. Boom.
And then go and do something nice for yourself.
Go to the 200 or something.
I don't wanna go to the zoo, why is everyone trying to make me
go to the zoo? — Fine.
Try pilates.
No, actually, don't.
I did that one time for a whole year, nothing changed, and then I found out
I hadn't been doing that thing where you try and squeeze your bum hole shut
and then you suck your pum—pum up into it.
SHE SIGHS Right.
And if anyone asks...
we meet in my office, yeah?
Yeah, but, like, we could meet in your office?
No, I like coming to your house.
Your biscuit game is strong.
SHE CHUCKLES
Got any Jaffas?
Oh, Jesus! I thought you were your father.
Is he very frightening?
I didn't rinse the plates. — Ooh.
Yeah, and you've got to rinse them
really rinse them, saves energy.
But surely if you really, really rinse them, then you may as well have washed them
so isn't it, like, more wasteful in the end?
Oh, God, don't tell him, he'll implode.
Mum, do you wanna do something today, like, you and me?
What?
I don't know, like, something, anything, together.
Why don't you see Mandy? She'd love to see you.
I don't want to see Mandy.
Well, your father'll be home soon. — No, l...
I just, um... I wanna spend some time together.
I've got too much to do, and Janice ate all the biscuits, so...
Billy! — Oh, God.
Get your coat, you're taking me on an adventure.
What, now? — ANNA: Cunt.
Yeah“. — Cunt, cunt, cunt.
That's really distracting. Um, yes, right now.
Piggy cunt. Who's a little piggy cunt?
It's actually very sweet cos she thinks that you're her aunt.
Yeah, she's not, she's not saying aunt, but anyway, it's...
Well, I'll get my keys.
See you out the front. — ANNA: Cunty, cunty...
In a minute. — OK.
Cool.
Over the fence with the cunt.
Ah! Next door cunt.
Er... how old?
Oh, she's five. Constantly sick, it's a nightmare.
I remember.
Mm, try not to breathe her in.
It goes so fast.
Everybody says that. — Oh, because it's true, I'm afraid.
Do you have grandkids?
Yes... yes, I do.
How many?
Er, my daughter has a boy and two girls.
Blissful chaos.
It must be lovely being a grandparent. You get all the fun and half the work.
It's wonderful.
DOCTOR: Oscar Matteson.
Oh, uh...
Can't believe I haven't been here before, this is the best fun ever!
I love boats.
Wow!
| used to wanna be a sailor but I get so sick
both ends, it is a nightmare.
Nice. — l was gutted.
|-| tried so many times.
No, it's just life, isn't it? — Yeah.
Yep.
What did you wanna be when you were a kid? — Uh...
a vet, Jamie Oliver's wife, uh...
the Appleton sisters, desperately, but that didn't work out.
Oh, yes, I can see it! — Oh, thank you.
THEY LAUGH — You're welcome.
Ah, I wanted to be a sailor, now I'm a gardener.
I thought you were a carer.
What? — For that really angry woman.
Anna? Yeah, no, no.
I'm a carer too, uh, most of the time
yeah, but I'm a gardener as well, so it's, er...
It's both, varied.
Do you, er...
did you have a... uh, a person, like a...
a man friend? Or a woman.
Someone that you're, um...?
No, I mean, I did once, but he's married now. He's got... got kids and stuff, so.
Oh.
Do you, uh... do you still think about him?
Uh, I mean, no
but... but yes, d'you know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
How about you?
Oh, I...
Well, I loved somebody once, but they... they changed.
So the love changed too, which... well, it happens, I guess, doesn't it?
Yeah, no, | get that.
BELL RINGS — Hey, here's your chance.
Yeah. Boats!
Thank you. Cheers.
Right.
Let's raise our hands, let's do this as it starts.
Yeah! Oh.
Yay! — It's not doing...
Recon Day Two, suspect boarding sailboat.
She's making a new friend. I hope it goes better than last time.
Way hey!
She seems to enjoy herself.
Side—to-side, everyone. Yes!
MIRI LAUGHS
ChIa—what? — Chlamydia.
Could be worse.
Like a urine infection?
Not quite.
Oh, but it hurts when I pee.
Yes, but it's an STD.
What, like syphilis?
It's just chlamydia.
Symptoms can take a while to present. Some people self—clear, others don't.
But you'll need to contact your sexual partners and inform them.
Partners?
I'm assuming you are with someone, or more than one.
Good God, just one.
And we haven't, um...
for a while, we...
Sure.
WOMAN: She probably planned it for months.
Now she's just working in the fish and chip shop.
Did you hear? She threw a brick at a group of people yesterday.
Yeah, proper psycho.
And to think, she's just walking around...
not even tagged, free as a bird.
Terrifying. — PHONE CHIMES
So now I've got this and my verrucas to worry about.
God, they must get loads of verrucas in prison.
She's probably riddled with them.
SHE SIGHS | used to come here when I was a kid.
I thought you weren't from round here.
Oh, no, I mean, like, places like this, like fairs and stuff.
Oh.
Bet you were a nice kid.
Thank you. — Yeah.
You too. — Ah.
H E CLEARS TH BOAT
Hey, shall we go on this?
Oh, no.
Uh, uh, sorry, I'm terrified of giraffes, so...
But they're not... they're not real giraffes. — They're very, very realistic.
They're not, their... their necks are really short.
OK, yeah, but it's a...
it's so fast as well, isn't it?
It's just kind of woosh... — It's not, it's ridiculously slow.
Have a bash, I'll be there.
You'll be there. — Yeah.
Agh...
Urgh.
Agh...
MIRI LAUGHS
CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYS
MUSIC FADES
BELL RINGS
SHE SIGHS
PHONE DIALS
Sorry, fucking nightmare.
Twins have been trying to ,out a hat on the dog.
It's like a fucking warzone in there.
Are you free? — CAROLINE: No, Dom, listen.
It's over. It's not happening again.
What?
Oh, yeah, sure, OK, no probs.
I don't want to be this person anymore.
CAROLINE: I’m her mother. — Yeah, fair enough.
But you'll just change your mind like you did the last time
and the last, last time. — CAROLINE: No, / will not.
Goodbye, Dom.
Oh, come on, let's just have a little... like, a little goodbye fiddle.
Yeah? — No.
MIRI (VO): Oh, my God, these are amazing.
Could I get...?
I'm so sorry. — No, no, it's alright, just——
I'm completely hogging them. — ...I haven't had any.
Oh, sorry. — No, it's...
SHE CHUCKLES — I've never met anyone like you before.
Oh. Never met anyone like you before, Billy, you're a... you're a one—off.
Well.
I don't wanna break this moment, but...
I really need to pee.
Oh, God—— — So, I'm gon...
Just go, do it, do it. — Yeah, right, yeah, I'm gonna go.
No. — Might just grab some of these...
Oh, that's very hygienic. — Alright. Yeah.
Hello again.
We met on the beach the other day.
Oh. Oh, yeah. yes.
Sorry, hi—— — Samuel.
Miri. Hi, hiya.
Um... Wednesday afternoon, amusement park.
Sorry. Who are you?
I'm an investigator and I look for the truth
and I am here to help you to tell your truth.
But first we need to solve your little problem.
Uh, I'm... I am with a friend right now, I am not gonna do this.
I'm not doing this. — Why was Lara so angry with you
the night she died? — What?
Yes, she was angry at you. So, so full of rage, why?
I'm sorry, can you... I don't wanna talk to you, can you just...
can you go? Can you just leave me alone please, can you leave——
You have a bite mark—— — No!
No. — It's on your shoulder, isn't it?
Oi, oi, oi!
Get out of it, you little shit. Go on!
If you want to see tits, piss off to Margate.
I'll be in touch.
Ha!
Thank you. — Yeah, well.
Thanks. — Let's just, uh...
Let's get out of here, I've got to pick up some meds for Anna.
Let's go via the supermarket, yeah? Good, come on.
OK.
I'll just be two minutes, alright?
Oh, OK. — OK, st... OK.
No, I'm fine. Yeah, yeah, sure.
Oh.
Miri, hi.
Oh, my God, are you so desperate and lonely that you've got to stalk me
in the supermarket now? — I'm buying dinner for my family.
Wow, that's, uh... very nutritious.
Yeah, well, don't feel sorry for me, cos you're the one that's all alone
with, um, a really shit haircut.
Actually, I'm on a date, with a shit haircut, so...
With my... with my neighbour Billy, yeah. In fact, we just stopped here to buy us...
some condoms.
Some condoms for all of the sexual...
intercourse that we will be having.
Is he some kind of a true crime perv?
SHE LAUGHS Sure.
Oh, Miri...
he doesn't know who you are, does he?
Do... I... Do—do you know what? Just, goodbye, Mandy.
Wait, wait...
wait!
I was at a wedding last year
and this posh woman farted really loudly
and I got the most uncontrollable giggles
and, and I looked at Mark, and...
there was nothing, not even a twinkle, and I started to cry because I knew
I knew if you'd have been there, then we would have pissed ourselves
and I missed you.
So, yes, yeah, you are right, I am...
I'm desperate and I am lonely.
Me too. Me too.
And I didn't visit you in prison because I felt terrible.
If I'd have got to the cliff ten minutes earlier
then maybe none of this would have happened.
Tell the truth.
You don't want to be with someone who doesn't know who you are.
Think about it.
Hm?
lt's, uh, it's two for one for pocket calculator—
Oh.
Oh! Oh, no, gosh.
Oh. — No, no, this isn't what you...
Uh, um... — | just...
I don't mind, it's just—— — No, no, it's...
SHE LAUGHS — It's just... I don't...
I can't do it that much—— — No, my parents——
Oh. Right. — My parents...
they asked me to get them some...
Oh. — ...condoms.
Your parents? — They have, they——
But they're so... old, but that's a lot for them?
No, well, they do it, they just like to do it, yeah.
Wow, I never, I never hear them.
They're really quiet. — I mean, the amount of sex. Oh.
And they're fast, and, uh, it's all over very quickly
but it's, it's regular and then, d'you know what?
They can have a night off, because they're old and they need a break.
Oh, I...
Oh, God. Here we are.
I didn't need a piss at the, uh, at the fun fair.
Aah! I thought that was suspiciously quick.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Uh, right, well, I should, uh... I should head home
cos Anna needs her meds, and... — Yeah.
Yeah. — Course.
I've had the best day.
Like a holiday from stuff, so thanks.
Oh.
Uh...
Well, we're back home now, but, uh... — Yeah.
HE SIGHS
OK. — Yeah.
Right. — Goodbye.
Yeah. — Bye.
Oh! — See ya, um...
Let's just... — Sorry, oh.
Oh. I did... — Er. No.
Just... — I'll go...
THEY LAUGH AWKWARDLY
Oh! — Oh.
Lovely, lovely... lovely day! — Right.
Yeah. — Yeah.
SHE LAUGHS — Really nice.
Bye—bye. — OK.
OSCAR: Jesus Christ...
DOOR OPENS
She told me she'd never do it again.
What? — And I believed her.
I just believed her. — Oh, is this about the dishwasher again?
What's wrong with the dishwasher?
Um, no, nothing, nothing
cos everyone always, um, really, really rinses everything
so it's fine.
It always comes out in the end.
What does?
The truth.
Tsk...
Damn, and blast it...
HE SIGHS Urgh!
What's your name?
Billy. — Do you do mojitos, Billy?
Yeah... there you go.
Mmm... God, that's good.
Oh, how much do I owe you?
No, no, no, it's on the house, and I got these off a guy.
Oh... what are they?
They're the good stuff.
Mm.
Will I be myself again, Billy?
Yeah.
DOORBELL RINGS
It's my husband!
Hide, hide, he has a fucking blunderbuss!
Oh, gosh, well, have to... — SHE LAUGHS
have to fight him off.
Oh! — Hi.
Hi. — Billy, I need to tell you something.
Yeah. —We can't...
We can't be friends unless you know the truth about me.
Me too, l—I need to, uh... I need to tell you something too.
Oh, OK. — Yeah.
Maybe it's, uh... maybe it's the same thing. — Well, I doubt that.
Well, let's just say it like a scissors, paper, stone.
Oh, no, Christ, really?
Well, let's just say it on the count of three.
No, no, but mine is really big, it's like, really, really——
I'll say mine and then... and then you say yours.
But I—I'm telling you right now that mine is so much bigger than yours
unless, well, unless you...
We'll just do it after three. One, two, three...
I'm not Anna's carer. — I killed that girl at the sound mirror.
It was me. — I'm married to her.
Oh, my... what, you're...?
You're married to... to her?
Gosh.
Oh. — But you... we had a...
Little, awkward hug and you bought me this... — Hel...
God, I... oh.
I'm... I'm a... I'm quick shocked actually.
Help.
What?
You're...
you're a pyscho killer.
Billy. — Oh, God, somebody help me.
Look, I'm not gonna hurt you.
Oh, I'm not gonna hurt you. — Oh, Jesus, oh, God.
Can you just calm down? Look, it's not like they said at all.
Oh, what, you di... you didn't kill her?
No, uh, no, I... I did...
kill her... — Stay away from me!
Billy! — Go on, fuck off!
HE WHIMPERS — Billy, this is excessive.
God, you killed someone!
You're married!
Ah, fuck, oh...
A—bub—bub—ba! Oh, I'm having a panic attack.
OK, just breathe.
Count to ten in your head, count to ten in your head.
Ah, one...
one, two... one, two, three...
HE GROANS
Oh, God, I'm gonna...
HE GROANS
I'm sorry.
But you would have found out and then I wouldn't have been able
to tell you the truth myself and that would've been so much worse.
It's just... it's not what you think...
She was...
l, she was crazy angry with me, and she bit me and I didn't...
I didn't know why... and, um...
so I just, like...
| just pushed her... back...
and it was an accident.
But the person who you were with today
that... that was me, that is who I am.
That is me.
Thank you.
Thank you for telling me, that was... that was really brave.
Can I heI—— — No, no.
KNOCK ON WINDOW — Please, it's just... oh, for fu——
Leave my husband alone, you murderous whore! — Oh, great.
You're a murderess, you'll stop at nothing.
They should never have let you out! — You better go.
OK.
Don't tell me you thought he wasn't married, I heard you.
Hello.
Oh, blast, I forgot the butter.
What did the doctor say? — An infection.
Oh, did they give you antibiotics?
HE SIGHS
What's wrong, darling?
A shipping container full of rubber ducks has sunk off the coast of the Isle of Wight.
Oh, dear.
More plastic in the ocean, contaminating everything
fucking everything up, and for what?
What good did a rubber duck ever do?
Miri used to love them in the bath.
It's all for nothing, I... I hate the waste.
Are you OK?
Fine. I'll go and get the butter.
MANDY ON TAPE: Right, 0K, l’l/ start.
MIRI ON TAPE: Oh, Mandy’s gonna start!
MANDY: Miri, you ’re not taking it seriously. — MIRI: lam taking it serious!
But you ’re taking it too seriously, l’m just gonna start.
MIRI ON TAPE: Right, OK, OK, now just Lara.
LARA ON TAPE: OK, fine.
SHE SINGS: # Someday, lbe/ieve it, you will come to my rescue #
ALL SING: # Unchain my heart you ’re keeping, and let me start anew #
# Ooh, the hours pass so slowly #
# Since they’ve thrown away the key, away the key #
# Can ’2‘ you see that I’m lonely #
# Won’t you help me please? #
THEY GIGGLE — MAN ON TAPE: Lara!
LARA: Oh, guys, shh, my dad’s back. Hide the cigarettes.
Hi, Dad!
MIRI AND MANDY: Hi, Mr Boback.!
Remember me? I was in prison.
It's a letter from my probation officer, with my address.
I want an appointment now.
We've actually got an appointment available in about an hour.
Great, I'll wait.
She was here yesterday, so sort her out too.
l'II—I'II make sure she's seen. — Yeah, you will.