1 00:00:02,043 --> 00:00:04,523 Now, the hare hops around the tree. Now, the hare hops around the tree. 2 00:00:04,523 --> 00:00:06,323 And then she's startled! She jumps into the hole. 3 00:00:06,323 --> 00:00:08,043 And then she jumps into the hole. 4 00:00:08,043 --> 00:00:10,483 Put smoke in hole, wait with spear. 5 00:00:10,483 --> 00:00:11,683 Put smoke in the... No. What? 6 00:00:11,683 --> 00:00:13,923 Sorry. No, that's not... No. 7 00:00:13,923 --> 00:00:16,563 Oh, I'm just going to do a school knot. Not a proper knot, mate. 8 00:00:16,563 --> 00:00:17,723 Are you stressed? 9 00:00:17,723 --> 00:00:18,843 Don't be stressed. 10 00:00:18,843 --> 00:00:20,523 You can always go back to the gooseberry farm. 11 00:00:20,523 --> 00:00:22,283 Well, you weren't there when I left. Hm. 12 00:00:22,283 --> 00:00:24,003 Just think of the gate house. 13 00:00:24,003 --> 00:00:25,843 I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK? 14 00:00:25,843 --> 00:00:29,843 Aw! I remember my first day at the bank. Terrible tummy ache. 15 00:00:29,843 --> 00:00:31,083 Yes, my first day as CO, 16 00:00:31,083 --> 00:00:32,883 I must admit I had some butterflies. 17 00:00:32,883 --> 00:00:36,043 First time hunt mammoth, me be bricking it. 18 00:00:37,603 --> 00:00:39,523 What about you, Julian? Me? 19 00:00:39,523 --> 00:00:42,683 Well, can't say I've ever suffered from first day nerves. 20 00:00:42,683 --> 00:00:45,163 It's a bit short. Oh. That's how I used to do in school. 21 00:00:45,163 --> 00:00:47,763 Ooh, yes. what about school? What, Harrow? 22 00:00:47,763 --> 00:00:50,283 Nah! It was like a second home. 23 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,123 Well, third home. We had a second home. 24 00:00:52,123 --> 00:00:54,643 Fourth if you count the one in Provence. 25 00:00:54,643 --> 00:00:57,403 University and so on? Er, same boys, really. 26 00:00:57,403 --> 00:00:59,443 Surely the first day in parliament must have been... 27 00:00:59,443 --> 00:01:01,123 Again - same boys, really. 28 00:01:01,123 --> 00:01:03,603 So you're saying you've never been in a situation 29 00:01:03,603 --> 00:01:05,243 where you felt out of your depth? 30 00:01:05,243 --> 00:01:07,283 Nah. Not that I can recall. 31 00:01:07,283 --> 00:01:08,523 Hm. 32 00:01:08,523 --> 00:01:10,603 WOMAN SOBBING, ECHOING: Oh, God, no! 33 00:01:10,603 --> 00:01:12,563 SIRENS WAIL 999, what's your emergency? 34 00:01:12,563 --> 00:01:15,163 We think he's had a heart attack. No, he isn't breathing. 35 00:01:15,163 --> 00:01:16,803 Patient is unresponsive. 36 00:01:16,803 --> 00:01:17,963 Clear! 37 00:01:17,963 --> 00:01:19,563 DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING 38 00:01:19,563 --> 00:01:20,723 Terminating CPR. 39 00:01:20,723 --> 00:01:21,763 Hello? 40 00:01:23,603 --> 00:01:24,763 Lindsay? 41 00:01:24,763 --> 00:01:25,923 Lindsay! 42 00:01:28,963 --> 00:01:30,203 What the hell is going on?! 43 00:01:30,203 --> 00:01:31,403 They can't hear you. 44 00:01:31,403 --> 00:01:33,843 Oh! What? 45 00:01:33,843 --> 00:01:35,163 Uh! 46 00:01:35,163 --> 00:01:37,003 Oh, no... 47 00:01:37,003 --> 00:01:38,843 Oh... 48 00:01:38,843 --> 00:01:40,203 Oh, dear. 49 00:01:40,203 --> 00:01:41,763 Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! 50 00:01:41,763 --> 00:01:43,003 New guy! 51 00:02:03,923 --> 00:02:06,963 Alison, if I may, since Michael is at work today, 52 00:02:06,963 --> 00:02:09,083 I wondered if you might like to accompany me 53 00:02:09,083 --> 00:02:10,683 for a turn about the grounds? 54 00:02:10,683 --> 00:02:12,083 Actually, I can't because... 55 00:02:12,083 --> 00:02:14,763 Alison is spending the day with me today, Thomas. 56 00:02:14,763 --> 00:02:17,763 Dancing. She promised. I did, actually. 57 00:02:17,763 --> 00:02:19,363 I said we could make up a dance routine 58 00:02:19,363 --> 00:02:21,443 like I did with my friends at school. Mad. 59 00:02:21,443 --> 00:02:23,363 Well, I can help you devise your piece, 60 00:02:23,363 --> 00:02:26,043 provide an outside eye, constructive criticism... 61 00:02:26,043 --> 00:02:28,003 Thomas, I don't want you to... It's no trouble at all. 62 00:02:28,003 --> 00:02:30,123 No, I don't think... Shush now. Nay, nay, nay. 63 00:02:30,123 --> 00:02:32,523 Ugh! OK. OK. 64 00:02:33,923 --> 00:02:36,243 Knock 'em dead. Isn't he leaving? 65 00:02:36,243 --> 00:02:38,083 No, he's working from home, online. 66 00:02:38,083 --> 00:02:41,123 Mm! Working from home? Fascinating. 67 00:02:41,123 --> 00:02:42,963 You're going to be great. OK? 68 00:02:42,963 --> 00:02:45,283 Hello! I invented that look. 69 00:02:45,283 --> 00:02:46,483 Come on, Alison! 70 00:02:46,483 --> 00:02:47,843 OK. Let's start straight away. 71 00:02:47,843 --> 00:02:50,563 Alison! I was thinking that we could grow from a seed... Alison! 72 00:02:50,563 --> 00:02:52,963 ..into a flower... Alison! 73 00:02:52,963 --> 00:02:56,443 Ugh! There's womens on television talking about all sorts, 74 00:02:56,443 --> 00:02:57,963 giving their 'pinions freely. 75 00:02:57,963 --> 00:03:02,403 Loose Women, Mary. Awful programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens. 76 00:03:02,403 --> 00:03:04,683 Me like Christine Lampard. 77 00:03:04,683 --> 00:03:06,323 Oh, I do fear for them, Alison. VEHICLE OUTSIDE 78 00:03:06,323 --> 00:03:10,403 If the menfolk catch them so wantonly expressing theirselves, 79 00:03:10,403 --> 00:03:12,603 the loud one... Coleen Nolan. 80 00:03:12,603 --> 00:03:15,123 Well, she will be ducked for sure. Mm. 81 00:03:15,123 --> 00:03:17,043 KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh! It's probably just a parcel. 82 00:03:17,043 --> 00:03:18,483 I'll be one sec, OK? 83 00:03:18,483 --> 00:03:19,883 KITTY: Ugh! 84 00:03:19,883 --> 00:03:22,123 You want play chess? 85 00:03:22,123 --> 00:03:23,163 Er... 86 00:03:24,323 --> 00:03:25,363 Not today, Robin. 87 00:03:27,523 --> 00:03:29,203 Then I will play with myself. 88 00:03:32,763 --> 00:03:34,443 Hi. Hello. 89 00:03:37,923 --> 00:03:40,083 Can I help you...? 90 00:03:40,083 --> 00:03:41,603 Er, yeah. 91 00:03:41,603 --> 00:03:42,883 Yeah? 92 00:03:42,883 --> 00:03:46,323 Um, sorry, you're Alison, aren't you? Yes. 93 00:03:46,323 --> 00:03:49,083 OK, well, my name's Lucy and, er... 94 00:03:49,083 --> 00:03:52,843 Well, it's...probably going to come as a shock. 95 00:03:52,843 --> 00:03:54,203 Oh, God. Erm... 96 00:03:56,243 --> 00:03:58,923 I'm just going to say it. I think I'm your half sister. 97 00:04:01,763 --> 00:04:05,123 Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi. 98 00:04:05,123 --> 00:04:08,323 Looking very smart, Mike. Loving the tie. 99 00:04:08,323 --> 00:04:11,083 I won't take too much of your time before you get cracking. 100 00:04:11,083 --> 00:04:13,323 All the stuff we went through in the induction meeting - 101 00:04:13,323 --> 00:04:14,563 there are no quotas. 102 00:04:14,563 --> 00:04:17,443 We are not a factory, you are not machines, OK? 103 00:04:17,443 --> 00:04:20,083 Having said that, keep the numbers up, stick to the script 104 00:04:20,083 --> 00:04:22,243 and don't ask open questions. Got it. 105 00:04:22,243 --> 00:04:24,963 Your job is to sign them up, not to hear their life stories. 106 00:04:24,963 --> 00:04:26,683 Excellent briefing. She's right, Michael. 107 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:29,443 Quick in and out, like special forces. Carry on. 108 00:04:29,443 --> 00:04:32,843 I'll sometimes listen in and you can talk to me in the chat window. 109 00:04:35,843 --> 00:04:37,763 But please keep it to business. 110 00:04:37,763 --> 00:04:39,003 Ah. 111 00:04:39,003 --> 00:04:40,723 Is that a tongue sticking out? 112 00:04:40,723 --> 00:04:42,603 No, no, no. Does anybody have any last questions? 113 00:04:44,763 --> 00:04:46,683 It was just a summer thing, I guess. 114 00:04:46,683 --> 00:04:48,323 I don't think it lasted long. 115 00:04:48,323 --> 00:04:51,083 I don't like her. Just a holiday thing. Her eyes are too far apart. 116 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,403 And she smells and she hit me. 117 00:04:53,403 --> 00:04:57,203 She can't! Well, she wanted to. She's a baddie. 118 00:04:57,203 --> 00:04:58,563 Then Mum found out she was pregnant 119 00:04:58,563 --> 00:05:00,123 and she didn't have an address for him, 120 00:05:00,123 --> 00:05:02,643 so just got on with it, I suppose. 121 00:05:02,643 --> 00:05:05,243 Do you take sugar? One, please. 122 00:05:05,243 --> 00:05:06,763 Same as me. 123 00:05:06,763 --> 00:05:07,923 THOMAS: Gosh! 124 00:05:07,923 --> 00:05:09,443 So alike. Huh! 125 00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:12,083 But, yeah, she tried the phone book and stuff... You all right, Thomas? 126 00:05:12,083 --> 00:05:14,243 If they'd had Facebook, it would have been different. Huh? 127 00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:16,323 Tea, one sugar. Well, that's what she said, 128 00:05:16,323 --> 00:05:18,683 but maybe she didn't want to find him. Who knows? 129 00:05:18,683 --> 00:05:21,363 It was only when I was 16 that my mum told me all this. 130 00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:22,843 I mean, chinny reckon! 131 00:05:22,843 --> 00:05:25,603 She sat me down and she said... You know, I had this myself. 132 00:05:25,603 --> 00:05:27,723 They show up out of the blue with some story about 133 00:05:27,723 --> 00:05:30,643 how you slept with their mother at the party conference in '74 134 00:05:30,643 --> 00:05:33,123 and how you should pay off their student debt. 135 00:05:33,123 --> 00:05:35,883 Did that really happen? Well, yeah, once or twice. 136 00:05:35,883 --> 00:05:39,043 And then I'm watching a documentary on TV 137 00:05:39,043 --> 00:05:42,243 and you come on and they show a photo of you with your parents 138 00:05:42,243 --> 00:05:44,043 and it's him. Oh! Gracious. 139 00:05:44,043 --> 00:05:46,683 I... I just couldn't believe it. 140 00:05:46,683 --> 00:05:49,283 All these years, all I've ever had was his name... 141 00:05:49,283 --> 00:05:51,163 I mean, where's the evidence?! 142 00:05:51,163 --> 00:05:52,403 ..and this photo. 143 00:05:52,403 --> 00:05:55,323 Oh, right. That's him, to be fair. Yeah. Same bloke. 144 00:05:55,323 --> 00:05:57,963 Is this when he was living in Cornwall? Yeah. 145 00:05:59,243 --> 00:06:02,403 Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know it must be a bit of a bombshell. 146 00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:04,723 KITTY: We're meant to be having fun today, 147 00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:07,483 not listening to boring stories. 148 00:06:07,483 --> 00:06:10,443 Ugh... No, erm... Alison! No, no, it is. 149 00:06:10,443 --> 00:06:12,603 Hurry it up! 150 00:06:12,603 --> 00:06:15,323 Um, I could do your dance with you, Kitty, if you like. 151 00:06:15,323 --> 00:06:18,723 It's meant to be with Alison. Just until she's ready to take over. 152 00:06:18,723 --> 00:06:21,203 Fine! But we still need the music on. 153 00:06:21,203 --> 00:06:23,923 She's got a point, Alison. Erm... 154 00:06:23,923 --> 00:06:26,363 Do you...? Do you want to see my photos? 155 00:06:26,363 --> 00:06:28,003 Oh, my God, I'd love to. 156 00:06:29,563 --> 00:06:30,883 Follow me. Great. 157 00:06:30,883 --> 00:06:33,523 Oh! Whoa! That was close. 158 00:06:35,483 --> 00:06:37,923 HEATHER BUTTON: No, the fundraiser's over. 159 00:06:37,923 --> 00:06:40,283 He took his body away in an ambulance. 160 00:06:40,283 --> 00:06:42,203 Of course everyone's gone home. Heather! 161 00:06:42,203 --> 00:06:44,243 Heather! I just hope to God the press don't get hold of it. 162 00:06:44,243 --> 00:06:45,763 Something very strange is happening to me. 163 00:06:45,763 --> 00:06:46,923 Whoa! 164 00:06:46,923 --> 00:06:50,043 Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry. 165 00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,403 You gets used to it. 166 00:06:51,403 --> 00:06:52,563 You don't! 167 00:07:02,123 --> 00:07:04,043 NEWS THEME 168 00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:06,803 Where be the women? 169 00:07:06,803 --> 00:07:08,923 REPORTER: Several arrests have been made in Watford today. 170 00:07:08,923 --> 00:07:11,283 They have been cleared out. The suspects have been remanded 171 00:07:11,283 --> 00:07:15,083 in custody and will face trial next month. If found guilty... Trial. 172 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:17,043 A tr... Oh, dear! 173 00:07:17,043 --> 00:07:19,083 Oh, dear, oh, dear! 174 00:07:19,083 --> 00:07:22,523 ..both conmen in their late 30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial! 175 00:07:22,523 --> 00:07:24,243 LINE RINGS 176 00:07:24,243 --> 00:07:25,403 Here we go. 177 00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:28,923 Remember your training. Stick to the script. You'll be fine. 178 00:07:28,923 --> 00:07:31,163 Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike. 179 00:07:31,163 --> 00:07:33,843 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Good. 180 00:07:33,843 --> 00:07:35,443 LINE GOES DEAD Hello? 181 00:07:35,443 --> 00:07:37,483 What? Oh. 182 00:07:37,483 --> 00:07:41,083 Better luck next time. Chin up. Here we go. Stand by. 183 00:07:41,083 --> 00:07:43,043 Hello? You're connected. That's a go for Michael. 184 00:07:43,043 --> 00:07:44,203 Hi there. My name's Mike. 185 00:07:44,203 --> 00:07:46,763 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Very good. 186 00:07:46,763 --> 00:07:48,443 Oh, I see. Hello. 187 00:07:48,443 --> 00:07:49,883 Hi. How are you today? 188 00:07:49,883 --> 00:07:51,003 Open question! 189 00:07:51,003 --> 00:07:52,163 Oh, I'm fine. 190 00:07:52,163 --> 00:07:54,923 Bit of a bad back, but I can't complain at my age. 191 00:07:54,923 --> 00:07:56,683 Come on. Oh, that doesn't sound very nice. 192 00:07:56,683 --> 00:07:59,523 Oh, it's agony, Mike. I've got painkillers, 193 00:07:59,523 --> 00:08:01,723 but I don't like to take them. No? 194 00:08:01,723 --> 00:08:03,403 Just stick to the script, man! 195 00:08:03,403 --> 00:08:05,723 Oh, give him a break. It's his first day. 196 00:08:05,723 --> 00:08:07,883 It's hardly breaking the Enigma code, is it? 197 00:08:07,883 --> 00:08:08,923 Like you could do better. 198 00:08:08,923 --> 00:08:11,323 Well, I really rather think I could actually, Humphrey. 199 00:08:11,323 --> 00:08:13,323 Yeah, I think I'd be employee of the month. 200 00:08:13,323 --> 00:08:14,643 Oh, all right, then. Prove it. 201 00:08:14,643 --> 00:08:17,003 I'll be the customer. What? No, come on. Go on. 202 00:08:17,003 --> 00:08:20,003 Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Oh, all right. 203 00:08:20,003 --> 00:08:21,563 Hello, Mr Cheese speaking. 204 00:08:21,563 --> 00:08:23,043 Right, right. Hello. 205 00:08:23,043 --> 00:08:25,443 I... Mr Cheese? That's a ridiculous name. 206 00:08:25,443 --> 00:08:27,483 How dare you insult my name? Who is this? 207 00:08:27,483 --> 00:08:29,483 No, no, I wasn't doing the thing just then. 208 00:08:29,483 --> 00:08:31,683 Wasn't doing what thing? Come on, I'm a very busy man. 209 00:08:31,683 --> 00:08:32,843 I've got chickens to feed. 210 00:08:32,843 --> 00:08:34,323 CLEARS THROAT Hello. Yes? 211 00:08:34,323 --> 00:08:37,363 I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. 212 00:08:37,363 --> 00:08:38,483 Hello. And I was... 213 00:08:38,483 --> 00:08:41,363 I was rather wondering whether... Sorry, it's a very bad line. 214 00:08:41,363 --> 00:08:42,483 I can hardly hear you. 215 00:08:42,483 --> 00:08:44,123 Hello? Hello? 216 00:08:44,123 --> 00:08:46,523 Hello? Hello? Hello? 217 00:08:46,523 --> 00:08:48,603 Hello. Hello? Hello? 218 00:08:48,603 --> 00:08:50,763 Hello! Hello. Yes, I'm calling... Hello? 219 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:51,963 This is Graham Cheese. 220 00:08:51,963 --> 00:08:53,883 I'm afraid I can't get to the phone at the moment, 221 00:08:53,883 --> 00:08:56,563 but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can. 222 00:08:56,563 --> 00:08:58,723 Hello? Beep! 223 00:08:58,723 --> 00:09:01,843 Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling from Spirited Life Insurance. 224 00:09:01,843 --> 00:09:03,763 I was calling... Sorry. 225 00:09:03,763 --> 00:09:06,043 KITTY: Come on. We haven't got time for this. 226 00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:08,483 The photos are just in my bedside cabinet. 227 00:09:08,483 --> 00:09:11,923 Oh, my goodness, this place is huge! 228 00:09:11,923 --> 00:09:14,963 Erm, I think I'm just going to put some music on. OK. 229 00:09:14,963 --> 00:09:17,043 Not that one. Not that one. 230 00:09:17,043 --> 00:09:18,883 That one. OK. 231 00:09:18,883 --> 00:09:20,803 MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield 232 00:09:20,803 --> 00:09:22,763 Haven't heard this in a while. 233 00:09:22,763 --> 00:09:24,243 Anyway, it's this way. 234 00:09:26,123 --> 00:09:28,963 THOMAS: It's strange. I really do feel as though we've met before. 235 00:09:28,963 --> 00:09:31,363 Right, come on, Pat! We're seeds. 236 00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:33,363 OK. All right. Seeds, is it? 237 00:09:33,363 --> 00:09:35,523 Grow... Grow... 238 00:09:35,523 --> 00:09:37,003 And leaves... 239 00:09:37,003 --> 00:09:39,043 BEEPING Hello? 240 00:09:39,043 --> 00:09:40,083 OK. 241 00:09:41,763 --> 00:09:43,243 Right! 242 00:09:43,243 --> 00:09:47,403 Mr Cheese, to recap your assets, you have your house, 243 00:09:47,403 --> 00:09:49,443 the circus in Bavaria, 244 00:09:49,443 --> 00:09:51,083 and you have 12 sons. 245 00:09:51,083 --> 00:09:52,883 13. What? 246 00:09:52,883 --> 00:09:54,443 She's just another one. Little boy. 247 00:09:54,443 --> 00:09:56,643 We're going to call him Cheddar. No, I'm sorry. 248 00:09:56,643 --> 00:09:57,803 This is all getting very silly. 249 00:09:57,803 --> 00:10:00,643 I'm not playing any more. Well, don't be like... Big family. 250 00:10:00,643 --> 00:10:02,683 May I ask what thought you've given to their inheritance? 251 00:10:02,683 --> 00:10:04,043 BOTH: Open question, Michael! 252 00:10:04,043 --> 00:10:05,843 CALLER: It wouldn't be straightforward for me. 253 00:10:05,843 --> 00:10:08,403 You see, I have a rather complicated family history. 254 00:10:08,403 --> 00:10:09,723 Oh, this is going to take a while. 255 00:10:09,723 --> 00:10:11,603 I see. And have you considered making a will? 256 00:10:11,603 --> 00:10:13,043 I'd have to start at the beginning. 257 00:10:13,043 --> 00:10:16,443 Well, we at Spirited... I was a foundling, you see? 258 00:10:16,443 --> 00:10:19,163 Left in a telephone box in Dublin. 259 00:10:19,163 --> 00:10:20,403 Wow. 260 00:10:20,403 --> 00:10:22,483 So it wasn't until years later 261 00:10:22,483 --> 00:10:25,203 that I really knew anything about my family. Blimey! 262 00:10:31,083 --> 00:10:33,483 So what was he like? 263 00:10:33,483 --> 00:10:35,043 Well, I wish I could tell you, 264 00:10:35,043 --> 00:10:39,483 but he passed away when I was five. Oh, of course. Sorry. 265 00:10:39,483 --> 00:10:43,003 No, erm... Well, my mum always said 266 00:10:43,003 --> 00:10:45,923 that he was the love of her life. 267 00:10:45,923 --> 00:10:49,803 He was funny and kind. 268 00:10:49,803 --> 00:10:51,763 He was a good cook. 269 00:10:51,763 --> 00:10:54,723 And, erm... What else? 270 00:10:54,723 --> 00:10:56,363 He.... 271 00:10:56,363 --> 00:10:57,843 Oh, he was a terrible dancer. 272 00:11:00,963 --> 00:11:02,803 Are you OK? 273 00:11:02,803 --> 00:11:04,643 Yeah, sorry, it's just... 274 00:11:04,643 --> 00:11:06,203 It's just a lot to take in. 275 00:11:07,283 --> 00:11:08,403 Yeah. 276 00:11:09,643 --> 00:11:10,883 It is. 277 00:11:13,763 --> 00:11:16,603 PAT, ECHONING: Steady, steady... 278 00:11:16,603 --> 00:11:18,283 It is a lot to take in. 279 00:11:18,283 --> 00:11:19,843 It certainly was for me. 280 00:11:19,843 --> 00:11:21,763 There's no such thing as ghosts. 281 00:11:21,763 --> 00:11:23,043 I'm having a bad dream. 282 00:11:23,043 --> 00:11:25,403 Yeah. I'm having a bad dream. 283 00:11:25,403 --> 00:11:28,003 I can assure you this is only too real. 284 00:11:28,003 --> 00:11:30,563 You never know. You might be lucky and get sucked off. 285 00:11:30,563 --> 00:11:31,643 Eh? 286 00:11:31,643 --> 00:11:33,483 I mean, you can't be real. 287 00:11:33,483 --> 00:11:35,883 You're all stereotypical ghosts, aren't you? 288 00:11:35,883 --> 00:11:37,563 You've got the old grey lady. 289 00:11:37,563 --> 00:11:41,043 Look at you and your joke shop arrow. Bloody cheek! 290 00:11:41,043 --> 00:11:43,323 Oh, and here comes the headless one. 291 00:11:43,323 --> 00:11:46,483 Yeah. Bravo! Very original. 292 00:11:46,483 --> 00:11:48,323 Well, I'm sorry I'm such a cliche. 293 00:11:48,323 --> 00:11:50,323 Argh! 294 00:11:50,323 --> 00:11:52,603 Wargh! 295 00:11:52,603 --> 00:11:53,963 All right, that's it. 296 00:11:53,963 --> 00:11:55,363 I've had enough of this. 297 00:11:55,363 --> 00:11:57,083 I'm getting out of here. 298 00:11:57,083 --> 00:11:58,123 Goodbye. 299 00:11:59,683 --> 00:12:03,203 He could have walked through those tables. Rookie error. 300 00:12:07,963 --> 00:12:09,563 Wait for it. 301 00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:11,443 And... 302 00:12:11,443 --> 00:12:13,363 Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it. 303 00:12:17,003 --> 00:12:19,083 ROBIN LAUGHING Classic! 304 00:12:21,803 --> 00:12:24,883 Three. Come on. Let's go. 305 00:12:24,883 --> 00:12:25,963 Argh! Poor bugger. 306 00:12:25,963 --> 00:12:27,363 Four! 307 00:12:29,483 --> 00:12:30,523 Ah! 308 00:12:32,723 --> 00:12:33,763 Hurgh! 309 00:12:33,763 --> 00:12:34,803 21. 310 00:12:38,403 --> 00:12:39,483 Uh... 311 00:12:40,923 --> 00:12:41,963 Argh! 312 00:12:43,403 --> 00:12:44,443 42. 313 00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:50,003 Oh, eugh... 314 00:12:52,363 --> 00:12:54,323 67 and a half. 315 00:12:58,243 --> 00:12:59,443 Gah! 316 00:13:01,003 --> 00:13:02,683 Argh, why...? 317 00:13:02,683 --> 00:13:04,083 Two fat ladies, 88. 318 00:13:12,603 --> 00:13:15,163 No! Yes, it doesn't make sense, does it? 319 00:13:20,563 --> 00:13:22,443 See you later, losers! 320 00:13:22,443 --> 00:13:24,003 Argh... 321 00:13:24,003 --> 00:13:25,883 100! 322 00:13:30,443 --> 00:13:33,203 Oh, what is wrong with me? 323 00:13:33,203 --> 00:13:36,403 Why does my heart pound? Why do I ache so? 324 00:13:38,403 --> 00:13:40,003 Mary, what is your opinion? 325 00:13:42,043 --> 00:13:43,363 My... My 'pinion? 326 00:13:43,363 --> 00:13:46,163 Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman? 327 00:13:46,163 --> 00:13:48,123 If you like. 328 00:13:48,123 --> 00:13:50,803 So, what ails me? 329 00:13:50,803 --> 00:13:54,443 Be there something new on thy plate? 330 00:13:54,443 --> 00:13:56,363 Go on. 331 00:13:56,363 --> 00:13:59,723 When I was three and twenty, my mother did grow fennel. 332 00:13:59,723 --> 00:14:01,883 Oh, how I loved it so! 333 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:05,763 I ate noth but fennel for weeks, sparing the onions. 334 00:14:05,763 --> 00:14:08,963 But all the while, I did have a terrible time on the stool, 335 00:14:08,963 --> 00:14:10,443 but did not know why. 336 00:14:10,443 --> 00:14:12,003 'Twas the fennel, of course. 337 00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,803 Well, it isn't fennel. 338 00:14:15,803 --> 00:14:17,283 I can't eat anything. 339 00:14:17,283 --> 00:14:18,643 Unless... 340 00:14:20,523 --> 00:14:22,763 ..Lucy is my fennel. 341 00:14:24,563 --> 00:14:28,643 My God, you're right! I'm hopelessly in love with fennel. 342 00:14:28,643 --> 00:14:30,523 I must tell onions... Alison. 343 00:14:33,603 --> 00:14:37,563 And we fly to the left and we fly to the right 344 00:14:37,563 --> 00:14:40,203 and rainbow and down. 345 00:14:40,203 --> 00:14:45,403 Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what Alison's up to with that girl. 346 00:14:45,403 --> 00:14:47,603 Well, hang on, we've only just started. 347 00:14:47,603 --> 00:14:49,523 I could teach you a few moves, if you like. 348 00:14:49,523 --> 00:14:51,883 I was a regional dance finalist, you know. 349 00:14:51,883 --> 00:14:52,963 Erm... 350 00:14:54,403 --> 00:14:55,843 Oh... 351 00:14:55,843 --> 00:14:58,443 How about this, eh? Mashed potato. 352 00:14:59,963 --> 00:15:01,883 Easy. That's it. 353 00:15:01,883 --> 00:15:03,963 Now we're cooking spuds, eh? 354 00:15:03,963 --> 00:15:05,723 OK, let's try this one. 355 00:15:05,723 --> 00:15:06,883 Oh! 356 00:15:06,883 --> 00:15:09,803 That's right, don't forget to transfer your weight. 357 00:15:09,803 --> 00:15:11,283 I've got loads of moves. 358 00:15:11,283 --> 00:15:15,363 Dice it and dice it, dice it, dice it... 359 00:15:18,723 --> 00:15:19,923 Car wash. 360 00:15:19,923 --> 00:15:22,083 Right... Ooh! Oh! 361 00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:24,923 How about this? 362 00:15:24,923 --> 00:15:26,643 What can you see through your fingers? 363 00:15:26,643 --> 00:15:27,883 Nothing. Oh. 364 00:15:29,803 --> 00:15:31,683 Pop and pop and pop. 365 00:15:33,483 --> 00:15:34,723 Groovy! 366 00:15:34,723 --> 00:15:36,843 Shimmer, shimmer. 367 00:15:39,363 --> 00:15:40,883 Pinch and down. 368 00:15:40,883 --> 00:15:42,203 No, you can breathe! 369 00:15:42,203 --> 00:15:43,603 Breathe! GASPING BREATH 370 00:15:43,603 --> 00:15:45,003 That's it. And down. 371 00:15:45,003 --> 00:15:47,243 You be careful what you reveal to this young lady. 372 00:15:47,243 --> 00:15:48,923 Don't let her be seeing where you keep 373 00:15:48,923 --> 00:15:50,203 your papers, passport and so on. 374 00:15:50,203 --> 00:15:52,283 It's just down there on the right. Thanks. 375 00:15:52,283 --> 00:15:54,843 Before you know it, she'll be travelling the world 376 00:15:54,843 --> 00:15:57,483 all expenses paid - paid by you. What are you talking about? 377 00:15:57,483 --> 00:15:59,563 I had tickets for a luxury cruise. 378 00:15:59,563 --> 00:16:02,043 Trip of a lifetime, first class, upper decks, 379 00:16:02,043 --> 00:16:04,963 but I arrived in Southampton to find that apparently 380 00:16:04,963 --> 00:16:07,203 there was already a Lady Button aboard. 381 00:16:07,203 --> 00:16:09,763 Right. I'm certain it was a young lady that came to the house 382 00:16:09,763 --> 00:16:12,683 looking for a housekeeping vacancy when there wasn't one. 383 00:16:12,683 --> 00:16:16,523 Used my identity to cheat her way onto the Titanic. 384 00:16:16,523 --> 00:16:18,123 Hang on - the Titanic? Mm. 385 00:16:18,123 --> 00:16:19,403 The Titanic sank. 386 00:16:19,403 --> 00:16:20,963 Aren't you glad you weren't on it? 387 00:16:20,963 --> 00:16:22,843 People forget that before the iceberg, 388 00:16:22,843 --> 00:16:24,763 it was a perfectly pleasant trip. 389 00:16:24,763 --> 00:16:26,563 So you did go? 390 00:16:26,563 --> 00:16:28,363 No, I've seen the motion picture. 391 00:16:28,363 --> 00:16:32,283 Only you wouldn't catch me letting some American oik paint my breasts. 392 00:16:32,283 --> 00:16:34,203 I don't see how any of this is relevant. 393 00:16:34,203 --> 00:16:36,483 All I'm saying is beware. 394 00:16:36,483 --> 00:16:39,043 Be very ware... 395 00:16:39,043 --> 00:16:40,083 ..ry. 396 00:16:40,083 --> 00:16:41,603 TOILET FLUSHES 397 00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:43,123 You mark my words, young lady. 398 00:16:44,163 --> 00:16:46,563 Alison, there you are. Great, you too. Can you just not...? 399 00:16:46,563 --> 00:16:48,883 I'm afraid what I have to say may come as a shock to you. 400 00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:50,923 And it's not your fault. 401 00:16:50,923 --> 00:16:54,163 Our time together has been a paradise. 402 00:16:55,203 --> 00:16:56,723 Gah, this is hard. 403 00:16:56,723 --> 00:16:58,283 I know it's harder for you, 404 00:16:58,283 --> 00:17:02,363 but I cannot deny my heart has changed. 405 00:17:04,043 --> 00:17:06,163 And I must leave you. 406 00:17:06,163 --> 00:17:07,563 Mm. 407 00:17:07,563 --> 00:17:10,123 Metaphorically, of course. I'll still live in the house. 408 00:17:10,123 --> 00:17:11,563 Thanks. No problem. 409 00:17:14,123 --> 00:17:15,883 CALLER: While I was working in the home, 410 00:17:15,883 --> 00:17:18,923 I struck up a friendship with this particular lady, you see? 411 00:17:18,923 --> 00:17:21,043 We just connected. 412 00:17:21,043 --> 00:17:25,203 I used to talk to her when I brought lunch to her room and so on. 413 00:17:25,203 --> 00:17:28,683 And one day, she told me her greatest regret. 414 00:17:28,683 --> 00:17:30,043 What was it? 415 00:17:30,043 --> 00:17:32,163 It was that when she was a young girl, 416 00:17:32,163 --> 00:17:34,563 she had a baby she had to give up. 417 00:17:34,563 --> 00:17:35,883 GASPING 418 00:17:35,883 --> 00:17:38,163 And I still get goose bumps now remembering it. 419 00:17:38,163 --> 00:17:40,923 I knew. I just knew. She was...? 420 00:17:40,923 --> 00:17:43,923 Yes, she was my mother. She was the mother! 421 00:17:43,923 --> 00:17:45,523 That's incredible. 422 00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:48,083 Wow. I couldn't believe it myself, Mike! She was the mother! 423 00:17:48,083 --> 00:17:51,283 Extraordinary! And now, we're one big happy family. 424 00:17:51,283 --> 00:17:53,643 I've got seven grandchildren 425 00:17:53,643 --> 00:17:55,003 and another one on the way. 426 00:18:09,763 --> 00:18:11,483 Wonderful! 427 00:18:11,483 --> 00:18:14,283 It works so much better with your moves now. Thank you. 428 00:18:14,283 --> 00:18:17,443 SONG RESTARTS Again! What?! 429 00:18:17,443 --> 00:18:19,403 Don't you want to go and see Alison? 430 00:18:19,403 --> 00:18:20,923 Quick! Oh... 431 00:18:20,923 --> 00:18:22,203 Give over! 432 00:18:23,443 --> 00:18:27,563 Please, God, take pity on the Loose Women. 433 00:18:27,563 --> 00:18:31,043 Their husbands be so worried, dear Lord. 434 00:18:31,043 --> 00:18:32,483 Please send them... 435 00:18:32,483 --> 00:18:34,323 PRAYS SOFTLY 436 00:18:34,323 --> 00:18:36,123 It is done. 437 00:18:36,123 --> 00:18:37,443 What's done? 438 00:18:37,443 --> 00:18:38,563 The honourable thing. 439 00:18:40,723 --> 00:18:43,803 It was the right thing to do, was it not? 440 00:18:43,803 --> 00:18:46,083 I could not pretend I was not changed. 441 00:18:46,083 --> 00:18:48,843 After all, I've not felt this way since... 442 00:18:48,843 --> 00:18:53,523 Well, since Alison came into my life - so modern, so spirited, 443 00:18:53,523 --> 00:18:55,283 so charming. 444 00:18:55,283 --> 00:18:56,763 Was I hasty? 445 00:18:56,763 --> 00:18:57,883 Perhaps I love them both. 446 00:18:57,883 --> 00:18:59,203 No! Do I? 447 00:19:00,603 --> 00:19:03,443 Say something about fennel or something. 448 00:19:03,443 --> 00:19:04,683 Oh, fennel, yeah. 449 00:19:04,683 --> 00:19:06,803 Well, it's a root vegetable. 450 00:19:06,803 --> 00:19:08,803 Yes? Grows in soil. 451 00:19:08,803 --> 00:19:11,603 You've got the bulb, then you've got them lovely long shoots 452 00:19:11,603 --> 00:19:14,043 and very pretty flowers on the end. 453 00:19:14,043 --> 00:19:16,083 Thrives in well-drained soil. 454 00:19:16,083 --> 00:19:18,283 Well-drained... Bit like celery. Always loved celery. 455 00:19:18,283 --> 00:19:20,443 Same family as fennel, of course. 456 00:19:20,443 --> 00:19:21,803 Same family? 457 00:19:23,963 --> 00:19:27,243 Of course! How could I be so rash? 458 00:19:27,243 --> 00:19:30,923 It is Alison I see in Lucy! 459 00:19:30,923 --> 00:19:34,283 A reflection of the same creation, the same fair qualities. 460 00:19:34,283 --> 00:19:36,763 It does not mean I have stopped loving onions! 461 00:19:36,763 --> 00:19:38,483 Far from it. 462 00:19:38,483 --> 00:19:40,083 Thank you, Mary. 463 00:19:40,083 --> 00:19:42,723 Such insight into matters of the heart. 464 00:19:42,723 --> 00:19:44,843 Thank you again! Yep. 465 00:19:44,843 --> 00:19:45,883 You're welcomes. 466 00:19:47,843 --> 00:19:50,643 I was only speaking of vegetables, though. 467 00:19:50,643 --> 00:19:53,243 TV: Martine McCutcheon will tell us about her new album, 468 00:19:53,243 --> 00:19:55,843 plus we'll be discussing Meghan Markle's make-up routine... 469 00:19:55,843 --> 00:19:57,843 Oh! 470 00:19:57,843 --> 00:20:01,643 Praise be! They have been pardoned! 471 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:06,043 They've been pardoned! 472 00:20:06,043 --> 00:20:07,483 The... 473 00:20:07,483 --> 00:20:10,563 CALLER: Goodness, I've been prattling on, haven't I? 474 00:20:10,563 --> 00:20:12,923 No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it. 475 00:20:12,923 --> 00:20:16,243 It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I get that from my mother. Who knows? 476 00:20:17,923 --> 00:20:21,323 Anyway, you wanted to talk to me about insurance? 477 00:20:23,843 --> 00:20:26,443 Mike? Well...actually, 478 00:20:26,443 --> 00:20:28,363 I don't work for the company any more. 479 00:20:28,363 --> 00:20:31,643 Oh? Yeah, I thought it might be a bit exploitative, so... 480 00:20:34,123 --> 00:20:36,203 ..I quit. Oh! Are you sure that's wise? 481 00:20:36,203 --> 00:20:39,683 Good for you, Mike. A man of principle. 482 00:20:39,683 --> 00:20:43,203 Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better go, start looking for a new job. 483 00:20:43,203 --> 00:20:45,643 Well, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I know my niece 484 00:20:45,643 --> 00:20:47,923 has a position she needs to fill at her company 485 00:20:47,923 --> 00:20:50,603 and I think you could be just the ticket. Oh? 486 00:20:50,603 --> 00:20:53,923 She needs someone trustworthy... Well played, Michael. 487 00:20:53,923 --> 00:20:56,443 Just the ticket. Lucky git! 488 00:20:56,443 --> 00:20:58,003 Thanks so much for hearing me out. 489 00:20:58,003 --> 00:21:01,763 Oh, yeah. I know this must have come as a huge shock. 490 00:21:01,763 --> 00:21:04,363 Yeah, you can say that again. 491 00:21:04,363 --> 00:21:05,603 Can I give you my number? 492 00:21:05,603 --> 00:21:09,643 And that way, it's up to you if you want to get in touch. Yeah. 493 00:21:09,643 --> 00:21:12,883 Alison, there you are! Forget everything I said earlier. 494 00:21:12,883 --> 00:21:15,203 I'm sorry if I hurt you. 495 00:21:15,203 --> 00:21:18,963 I'd really like to get to know you, if you want that too. 496 00:21:18,963 --> 00:21:21,723 Yeah, I'd... You don't have to say anything now. 497 00:21:21,723 --> 00:21:23,203 You need time to think. 498 00:21:23,203 --> 00:21:25,243 Thank you. Bye for now. 499 00:21:25,243 --> 00:21:26,883 Bye! Bye. Bye. 500 00:21:29,243 --> 00:21:30,523 Goodbye. 501 00:21:30,523 --> 00:21:32,403 Forever, potentially. 502 00:21:32,403 --> 00:21:35,123 Which would be fine, because it's you I love, only you. 503 00:21:45,723 --> 00:21:47,123 Has she gone? 504 00:21:47,123 --> 00:21:49,923 How did it go? KITTY: Pat? Pat! 505 00:21:49,923 --> 00:21:51,203 Oh, no! Where did you go? 506 00:21:51,203 --> 00:21:52,723 She's a dance machine! 507 00:21:52,723 --> 00:21:54,203 She can't stop! 508 00:21:55,763 --> 00:21:57,923 BOTH: You are not going to believe what just happened... 509 00:21:57,923 --> 00:22:00,003 To me. What? Try me. 510 00:22:01,883 --> 00:22:03,963 I just said goodbye to someone who showed up to tell me 511 00:22:03,963 --> 00:22:06,683 she's my half sister. Yeah, yours is better. 512 00:22:06,683 --> 00:22:10,883 Apparently before he met my mum, my dad and her mum had a thing, 513 00:22:10,883 --> 00:22:14,363 then they split up and he didn't know she was pregnant. 514 00:22:14,363 --> 00:22:16,963 What? Yeah. 515 00:22:16,963 --> 00:22:18,923 Do you find that hard to believe? Well, yeah, 516 00:22:18,923 --> 00:22:21,203 but not after the story I just heard on the phone. 517 00:22:21,203 --> 00:22:23,803 Just cos something's crazy doesn't mean it can't be true. 518 00:22:23,803 --> 00:22:25,563 I find it all rather convenient. 519 00:22:25,563 --> 00:22:27,443 Wouldn't you agree, Julian? 520 00:22:27,443 --> 00:22:28,563 Julian? 521 00:22:29,683 --> 00:22:31,803 Julian? 522 00:22:31,803 --> 00:22:32,843 Julian. 523 00:22:34,763 --> 00:22:38,003 My name is Julian Fawcett 524 00:22:38,003 --> 00:22:39,603 and I'm a... 525 00:22:42,603 --> 00:22:44,483 Go on. You can do it! 526 00:22:45,803 --> 00:22:47,323 I'm a ghost. 527 00:22:47,323 --> 00:22:48,683 Well done. Well done. 528 00:22:48,683 --> 00:22:50,323 Feel better, eh? 529 00:22:50,323 --> 00:22:54,403 Take a seat. You'll find there is a fun side 530 00:22:54,403 --> 00:22:56,803 to being cut-off indefinitely from the life you lived 531 00:22:56,803 --> 00:22:58,483 and the people you loved. 532 00:22:58,483 --> 00:23:01,083 We were just about to play charades. 533 00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:03,563 Yeah. Not really my bag. 534 00:23:05,403 --> 00:23:06,483 Oh. 535 00:23:06,483 --> 00:23:08,923 Anyone want to play chess? 536 00:23:08,923 --> 00:23:09,963 Oh, yeah. 537 00:23:11,403 --> 00:23:14,083 Right. Do you know how? 538 00:23:14,083 --> 00:23:15,403 Could learn. 539 00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:19,083 Right. 540 00:23:19,083 --> 00:23:20,723 I suppose we've got time. 541 00:23:20,723 --> 00:23:23,123 Right, well, these little ones are called pawns. 542 00:23:23,123 --> 00:23:26,163 Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn. 543 00:23:26,163 --> 00:23:27,803 LADY BUTTON, ECHOING: Julian? OK. 544 00:23:27,803 --> 00:23:30,243 Julian? What's that? 545 00:23:32,003 --> 00:23:36,923 No. Well, I mean, if I could accept that I was dead... 546 00:23:36,923 --> 00:23:39,603 I mean, I could except I can see dead people. 547 00:23:39,603 --> 00:23:41,683 Doesn't seem that far fetched at all. 548 00:23:43,963 --> 00:23:46,043 Looks like I have a sister. 549 00:23:46,043 --> 00:23:47,883 Yeah. 550 00:23:47,883 --> 00:23:48,923 Oh! 551 00:23:50,643 --> 00:23:52,243 How was your day? 552 00:23:52,243 --> 00:23:54,883 I quit. Oh. But then I got a better job. 553 00:23:54,883 --> 00:23:56,883 Oh, right. You have been busy. 554 00:23:56,883 --> 00:24:00,323 Kitty? No! I'm free now if you want me to take over. 555 00:24:00,323 --> 00:24:01,963 No, that's all right. 556 00:24:01,963 --> 00:24:03,563 Pat's my dance partner now. 557 00:24:03,563 --> 00:24:06,683 He taught me the mashed potato, the chicken dance 558 00:24:06,683 --> 00:24:08,323 and the banana split. 559 00:24:08,323 --> 00:24:10,203 That's a balanced meal. Delicious. 560 00:24:10,203 --> 00:24:12,843 Come on, Pat! We've got to polish our routine. 561 00:24:12,843 --> 00:24:14,323 Oh, God, no! 562 00:24:14,323 --> 00:24:17,363 Come on! No, mercy! No time to lose. Please, Kitty! 563 00:24:17,363 --> 00:24:18,643 And where have you been? 564 00:24:18,643 --> 00:24:21,243 Well, I've been with young Michael and Mr Cheese. 565 00:24:21,243 --> 00:24:23,883 I mean, Humphrey. No, I've learned a thing or two actually. 566 00:24:23,883 --> 00:24:27,483 There are times when one must go against the grain, 567 00:24:27,483 --> 00:24:31,643 make one's own decisions rather than simply following orders. Hm. 568 00:24:31,643 --> 00:24:33,643 CLOCK CHIMES Ooh, fetch the others. 569 00:24:33,643 --> 00:24:35,283 It's time for my talk of the day. 570 00:24:35,283 --> 00:24:36,883 Fanny, yes, Fanny! 571 00:24:36,883 --> 00:24:39,443 Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me. 572 00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:47,163 Still fancy that game? 573 00:24:50,443 --> 00:24:52,403 So... 574 00:24:52,403 --> 00:24:55,043 ..prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka. 575 00:24:55,043 --> 00:24:56,603 Uh-huh? 576 00:24:56,603 --> 00:24:58,683 Prawn - dooka.