Now, the hare hops around the tree. Now, the hare hops around the tree.
And then she's startled! She jumps into the hole.
And then she jumps into the hole.
Put smoke in hole, wait with spear.
Put smoke in the... No. What?
Sorry. No, that's not... No.
Oh, I'm just going to do a school knot. Not a proper knot, mate.
Are you stressed?
Don't be stressed.
You can always go back to the gooseberry farm.
Well, you weren't there when I left. Hm.
Just think of the gate house.
I'm very proud of you. Mm. OK?
Aw! I remember my first day at the bank. Terrible tummy ache.
Yes, my first day as CO,
I must admit I had some butterflies.
First time hunt mammoth, me be bricking it.
What about you, Julian? Me?
Well, can't say I've ever suffered from first day nerves.
It's a bit short. Oh. That's how I used to do in school.
Ooh, yes. what about school? What, Harrow?
Nah! It was like a second home.
Well, third home. We had a second home.
Fourth if you count the one in Provence.
University and so on? Er, same boys, really.
Surely the first day in parliament must have been...
Again - same boys, really.
So you're saying you've never been in a situation
where you felt out of your depth?
Nah. Not that I can recall.
Hm.
WOMAN SOBBING, ECHOING: Oh, God, no!
SIRENS WAIL 999, what's your emergency?
We think he's had a heart attack. No, he isn't breathing.
Patient is unresponsive.
Clear!
DEFIBRILLATOR WHIRRING
Terminating CPR.
Hello?
Lindsay?
Lindsay!
What the hell is going on?!
They can't hear you.
Oh! What?
Uh!
Oh, no...
Oh...
Oh, dear.
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
New guy!
Alison, if I may, since Michael is at work today,
I wondered if you might like to accompany me
for a turn about the grounds?
Actually, I can't because...
Alison is spending the day with me today, Thomas.
Dancing. She promised. I did, actually.
I said we could make up a dance routine
like I did with my friends at school. Mad.
Well, I can help you devise your piece,
provide an outside eye, constructive criticism...
Thomas, I don't want you to... It's no trouble at all.
No, I don't think... Shush now. Nay, nay, nay.
Ugh! OK. OK.
Knock 'em dead. Isn't he leaving?
No, he's working from home, online.
Mm! Working from home? Fascinating.
You're going to be great. OK?
Hello! I invented that look.
Come on, Alison!
OK. Let's start straight away.
Alison! I was thinking that we could grow from a seed... Alison!
..into a flower... Alison!
Ugh! There's womens on television talking about all sorts,
giving their 'pinions freely.
Loose Women, Mary. Awful programme. Yes, yes! Loose Womens.
Me like Christine Lampard.
Oh, I do fear for them, Alison. VEHICLE OUTSIDE
If the menfolk catch them so wantonly expressing theirselves,
the loud one... Coleen Nolan.
Well, she will be ducked for sure. Mm.
KNOCK AT DOOR Ooh! It's probably just a parcel.
I'll be one sec, OK?
KITTY: Ugh!
You want play chess?
Er...
Not today, Robin.
Then I will play with myself.
Hi. Hello.
Can I help you...?
Er, yeah.
Yeah?
Um, sorry, you're Alison, aren't you? Yes.
OK, well, my name's Lucy and, er...
Well, it's...probably going to come as a shock.
Oh, God. Erm...
I'm just going to say it. I think I'm your half sister.
Hi, everyone. Hello. Hi.
Looking very smart, Mike. Loving the tie.
I won't take too much of your time before you get cracking.
All the stuff we went through in the induction meeting -
there are no quotas.
We are not a factory, you are not machines, OK?
Having said that, keep the numbers up, stick to the script
and don't ask open questions. Got it.
Your job is to sign them up, not to hear their life stories.
Excellent briefing. She's right, Michael.
Quick in and out, like special forces. Carry on.
I'll sometimes listen in and you can talk to me in the chat window.
But please keep it to business.
Ah.
Is that a tongue sticking out?
No, no, no. Does anybody have any last questions?
It was just a summer thing, I guess.
I don't think it lasted long.
I don't like her. Just a holiday thing. Her eyes are too far apart.
And she smells and she hit me.
She can't! Well, she wanted to. She's a baddie.
Then Mum found out she was pregnant
and she didn't have an address for him,
so just got on with it, I suppose.
Do you take sugar? One, please.
Same as me.
THOMAS: Gosh!
So alike. Huh!
But, yeah, she tried the phone book and stuff... You all right, Thomas?
If they'd had Facebook, it would have been different. Huh?
Tea, one sugar. Well, that's what she said,
but maybe she didn't want to find him. Who knows?
It was only when I was 16 that my mum told me all this.
I mean, chinny reckon!
She sat me down and she said... You know, I had this myself.
They show up out of the blue with some story about
how you slept with their mother at the party conference in '74
and how you should pay off their student debt.
Did that really happen? Well, yeah, once or twice.
And then I'm watching a documentary on TV
and you come on and they show a photo of you with your parents
and it's him. Oh! Gracious.
I... I just couldn't believe it.
All these years, all I've ever had was his name...
I mean, where's the evidence?!
..and this photo.
Oh, right. That's him, to be fair. Yeah. Same bloke.
Is this when he was living in Cornwall? Yeah.
Oh, my God. I'm sorry. I know it must be a bit of a bombshell.
KITTY: We're meant to be having fun today,
not listening to boring stories.
Ugh... No, erm... Alison! No, no, it is.
Hurry it up!
Um, I could do your dance with you, Kitty, if you like.
It's meant to be with Alison. Just until she's ready to take over.
Fine! But we still need the music on.
She's got a point, Alison. Erm...
Do you...? Do you want to see my photos?
Oh, my God, I'd love to.
Follow me. Great.
Oh! Whoa! That was close.
HEATHER BUTTON: No, the fundraiser's over.
He took his body away in an ambulance.
Of course everyone's gone home. Heather!
Heather! I just hope to God the press don't get hold of it.
Something very strange is happening to me.
Whoa!
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Don't worry.
You gets used to it.
You don't!
NEWS THEME
Where be the women?
REPORTER: Several arrests have been made in Watford today.
They have been cleared out. The suspects have been remanded
in custody and will face trial next month. If found guilty... Trial.
A tr... Oh, dear!
Oh, dear, oh, dear!
..both conmen in their late 30s. Oh, no, a trial! A trial!
LINE RINGS
Here we go.
Remember your training. Stick to the script. You'll be fine.
Hello. Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Good.
LINE GOES DEAD Hello?
What? Oh.
Better luck next time. Chin up. Here we go. Stand by.
Hello? You're connected. That's a go for Michael.
Hi there. My name's Mike.
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance. Very good.
Oh, I see. Hello.
Hi. How are you today?
Open question!
Oh, I'm fine.
Bit of a bad back, but I can't complain at my age.
Come on. Oh, that doesn't sound very nice.
Oh, it's agony, Mike. I've got painkillers,
but I don't like to take them. No?
Just stick to the script, man!
Oh, give him a break. It's his first day.
It's hardly breaking the Enigma code, is it?
Like you could do better.
Well, I really rather think I could actually, Humphrey.
Yeah, I think I'd be employee of the month.
Oh, all right, then. Prove it.
I'll be the customer. What? No, come on. Go on.
Ring-ring! Ring-ring! Oh, all right.
Hello, Mr Cheese speaking.
Right, right. Hello.
I... Mr Cheese? That's a ridiculous name.
How dare you insult my name? Who is this?
No, no, I wasn't doing the thing just then.
Wasn't doing what thing? Come on, I'm a very busy man.
I've got chickens to feed.
CLEARS THROAT Hello. Yes?
I'm calling on behalf of Spirited Life Insurance.
Hello. And I was...
I was rather wondering whether... Sorry, it's a very bad line.
I can hardly hear you.
Hello? Hello?
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Hello. Hello? Hello?
Hello! Hello. Yes, I'm calling... Hello?
This is Graham Cheese.
I'm afraid I can't get to the phone at the moment,
but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you as soon as I can.
Hello? Beep!
Hello, yes, it's the Captain calling from Spirited Life Insurance.
I was calling... Sorry.
KITTY: Come on. We haven't got time for this.
The photos are just in my bedside cabinet.
Oh, my goodness, this place is huge!
Erm, I think I'm just going to put some music on. OK.
Not that one. Not that one.
That one. OK.
MUSIC: Saturday Night by Whigfield
Haven't heard this in a while.
Anyway, it's this way.
THOMAS: It's strange. I really do feel as though we've met before.
Right, come on, Pat! We're seeds.
OK. All right. Seeds, is it?
Grow... Grow...
And leaves...
BEEPING Hello?
OK.
Right!
Mr Cheese, to recap your assets, you have your house,
the circus in Bavaria,
and you have 12 sons.
13. What?
She's just another one. Little boy.
We're going to call him Cheddar. No, I'm sorry.
This is all getting very silly.
I'm not playing any more. Well, don't be like... Big family.
May I ask what thought you've given to their inheritance?
BOTH: Open question, Michael!
CALLER: It wouldn't be straightforward for me.
You see, I have a rather complicated family history.
Oh, this is going to take a while.
I see. And have you considered making a will?
I'd have to start at the beginning.
Well, we at Spirited... I was a foundling, you see?
Left in a telephone box in Dublin.
Wow.
So it wasn't until years later
that I really knew anything about my family. Blimey!
So what was he like?
Well, I wish I could tell you,
but he passed away when I was five. Oh, of course. Sorry.
No, erm... Well, my mum always said
that he was the love of her life.
He was funny and kind.
He was a good cook.
And, erm... What else?
He....
Oh, he was a terrible dancer.
Are you OK?
Yeah, sorry, it's just...
It's just a lot to take in.
Yeah.
It is.
PAT, ECHONING: Steady, steady...
It is a lot to take in.
It certainly was for me.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
I'm having a bad dream.
Yeah. I'm having a bad dream.
I can assure you this is only too real.
You never know. You might be lucky and get sucked off.
Eh?
I mean, you can't be real.
You're all stereotypical ghosts, aren't you?
You've got the old grey lady.
Look at you and your joke shop arrow. Bloody cheek!
Oh, and here comes the headless one.
Yeah. Bravo! Very original.
Well, I'm sorry I'm such a cliche.
Argh!
Wargh!
All right, that's it.
I've had enough of this.
I'm getting out of here.
Goodbye.
He could have walked through those tables. Rookie error.
Wait for it.
And...
Ha-ha-ha-ha! We've all done it.
ROBIN LAUGHING Classic!
Three. Come on. Let's go.
Argh! Poor bugger.
Four!
Ah!
Hurgh!
21.
Uh...
Argh!
42.
Oh, eugh...
67 and a half.
Gah!
Argh, why...?
Two fat ladies, 88.
No! Yes, it doesn't make sense, does it?
See you later, losers!
Argh...
100!
Oh, what is wrong with me?
Why does my heart pound? Why do I ache so?
Mary, what is your opinion?
My... My 'pinion?
Yes. As a woman. A Loose Woman?
If you like.
So, what ails me?
Be there something new on thy plate?
Go on.
When I was three and twenty, my mother did grow fennel.
Oh, how I loved it so!
I ate noth but fennel for weeks, sparing the onions.
But all the while, I did have a terrible time on the stool,
but did not know why.
'Twas the fennel, of course.
Well, it isn't fennel.
I can't eat anything.
Unless...
..Lucy is my fennel.
My God, you're right! I'm hopelessly in love with fennel.
I must tell onions... Alison.
And we fly to the left and we fly to the right
and rainbow and down.
Whoo! Right, I'm off to see what Alison's up to with that girl.
Well, hang on, we've only just started.
I could teach you a few moves, if you like.
I was a regional dance finalist, you know.
Erm...
Oh...
How about this, eh? Mashed potato.
Easy. That's it.
Now we're cooking spuds, eh?
OK, let's try this one.
Oh!
That's right, don't forget to transfer your weight.
I've got loads of moves.
Dice it and dice it, dice it, dice it...
Car wash.
Right... Ooh! Oh!
How about this?
What can you see through your fingers?
Nothing. Oh.
Pop and pop and pop.
Groovy!
Shimmer, shimmer.
Pinch and down.
No, you can breathe!
Breathe! GASPING BREATH
That's it. And down.
You be careful what you reveal to this young lady.
Don't let her be seeing where you keep
your papers, passport and so on.
It's just down there on the right. Thanks.
Before you know it, she'll be travelling the world
all expenses paid - paid by you. What are you talking about?
I had tickets for a luxury cruise.
Trip of a lifetime, first class, upper decks,
but I arrived in Southampton to find that apparently
there was already a Lady Button aboard.
Right. I'm certain it was a young lady that came to the house
looking for a housekeeping vacancy when there wasn't one.
Used my identity to cheat her way onto the Titanic.
Hang on - the Titanic? Mm.
The Titanic sank.
Aren't you glad you weren't on it?
People forget that before the iceberg,
it was a perfectly pleasant trip.
So you did go?
No, I've seen the motion picture.
Only you wouldn't catch me letting some American oik paint my breasts.
I don't see how any of this is relevant.
All I'm saying is beware.
Be very ware...
..ry.
TOILET FLUSHES
You mark my words, young lady.
Alison, there you are. Great, you too. Can you just not...?
I'm afraid what I have to say may come as a shock to you.
And it's not your fault.
Our time together has been a paradise.
Gah, this is hard.
I know it's harder for you,
but I cannot deny my heart has changed.
And I must leave you.
Mm.
Metaphorically, of course. I'll still live in the house.
Thanks. No problem.
CALLER: While I was working in the home,
I struck up a friendship with this particular lady, you see?
We just connected.
I used to talk to her when I brought lunch to her room and so on.
And one day, she told me her greatest regret.
What was it?
It was that when she was a young girl,
she had a baby she had to give up.
GASPING
And I still get goose bumps now remembering it.
I knew. I just knew. She was...?
Yes, she was my mother. She was the mother!
That's incredible.
Wow. I couldn't believe it myself, Mike! She was the mother!
Extraordinary! And now, we're one big happy family.
I've got seven grandchildren
and another one on the way.
Wonderful!
It works so much better with your moves now. Thank you.
SONG RESTARTS Again! What?!
Don't you want to go and see Alison?
Quick! Oh...
Give over!
Please, God, take pity on the Loose Women.
Their husbands be so worried, dear Lord.
Please send them...
PRAYS SOFTLY
It is done.
What's done?
The honourable thing.
It was the right thing to do, was it not?
I could not pretend I was not changed.
After all, I've not felt this way since...
Well, since Alison came into my life - so modern, so spirited,
so charming.
Was I hasty?
Perhaps I love them both.
No! Do I?
Say something about fennel or something.
Oh, fennel, yeah.
Well, it's a root vegetable.
Yes? Grows in soil.
You've got the bulb, then you've got them lovely long shoots
and very pretty flowers on the end.
Thrives in well-drained soil.
Well-drained... Bit like celery. Always loved celery.
Same family as fennel, of course.
Same family?
Of course! How could I be so rash?
It is Alison I see in Lucy!
A reflection of the same creation, the same fair qualities.
It does not mean I have stopped loving onions!
Far from it.
Thank you, Mary.
Such insight into matters of the heart.
Thank you again! Yep.
You're welcomes.
I was only speaking of vegetables, though.
TV: Martine McCutcheon will tell us about her new album,
plus we'll be discussing Meghan Markle's make-up routine...
Oh!
Praise be! They have been pardoned!
They've been pardoned!
The...
CALLER: Goodness, I've been prattling on, haven't I?
No, no! No, no. Not at all. Not at all, Anne. No, I won't hear it.
It's fascinating, Anne. Maybe I get that from my mother. Who knows?
Anyway, you wanted to talk to me about insurance?
Mike? Well...actually,
I don't work for the company any more.
Oh? Yeah, I thought it might be a bit exploitative, so...
..I quit. Oh! Are you sure that's wise?
Good for you, Mike. A man of principle.
Yeah. Well, I suppose I'd better go, start looking for a new job.
Well, I don't know if you'd be interested, but I know my niece
has a position she needs to fill at her company
and I think you could be just the ticket. Oh?
She needs someone trustworthy... Well played, Michael.
Just the ticket. Lucky git!
Thanks so much for hearing me out.
Oh, yeah. I know this must have come as a huge shock.
Yeah, you can say that again.
Can I give you my number?
And that way, it's up to you if you want to get in touch. Yeah.
Alison, there you are! Forget everything I said earlier.
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
I'd really like to get to know you, if you want that too.
Yeah, I'd... You don't have to say anything now.
You need time to think.
Thank you. Bye for now.
Bye! Bye. Bye.
Goodbye.
Forever, potentially.
Which would be fine, because it's you I love, only you.
Has she gone?
How did it go? KITTY: Pat? Pat!
Oh, no! Where did you go?
She's a dance machine!
She can't stop!
BOTH: You are not going to believe what just happened...
To me. What? Try me.
I just said goodbye to someone who showed up to tell me
she's my half sister. Yeah, yours is better.
Apparently before he met my mum, my dad and her mum had a thing,
then they split up and he didn't know she was pregnant.
What? Yeah.
Do you find that hard to believe? Well, yeah,
but not after the story I just heard on the phone.
Just cos something's crazy doesn't mean it can't be true.
I find it all rather convenient.
Wouldn't you agree, Julian?
Julian?
Julian.
My name is Julian Fawcett
and I'm a...
Go on. You can do it!
I'm a ghost.
Well done. Well done.
Feel better, eh?
Take a seat. You'll find there is a fun side
to being cut-off indefinitely from the life you lived
and the people you loved.
We were just about to play charades.
Yeah. Not really my bag.
Oh.
Anyone want to play chess?
Oh, yeah.
Right. Do you know how?
Could learn.
Right.
I suppose we've got time.
Right, well, these little ones are called pawns.
Prawn. And... Pawn. Prawn.
LADY BUTTON, ECHOING: Julian? OK.
Julian? What's that?
No. Well, I mean, if I could accept that I was dead...
I mean, I could except I can see dead people.
Doesn't seem that far fetched at all.
Looks like I have a sister.
Yeah.
Oh!
How was your day?
I quit. Oh. But then I got a better job.
Oh, right. You have been busy.
Kitty? No! I'm free now if you want me to take over.
No, that's all right.
Pat's my dance partner now.
He taught me the mashed potato, the chicken dance
and the banana split.
That's a balanced meal. Delicious.
Come on, Pat! We've got to polish our routine.
Oh, God, no!
Come on! No, mercy! No time to lose. Please, Kitty!
And where have you been?
Well, I've been with young Michael and Mr Cheese.
I mean, Humphrey. No, I've learned a thing or two actually.
There are times when one must go against the grain,
make one's own decisions rather than simply following orders. Hm.
CLOCK CHIMES Ooh, fetch the others.
It's time for my talk of the day.
Fanny, yes, Fanny!
Thomas, Patrick, Mary, on me.
Still fancy that game?
So...
..prawn. Pawn. He goes dooka.
Uh-huh?
Prawn - dooka.