1 00:00:11,123 --> 00:00:14,123 HORSE WHINNIES AND SNORTS 2 00:00:31,123 --> 00:00:34,203 Whether Elizabeth's spies knew about the letter 3 00:00:34,203 --> 00:00:36,723 is still a matter of much conjecture. 4 00:00:36,723 --> 00:00:38,003 JULIAN: Hello! 5 00:00:38,003 --> 00:00:40,683 Where's she been hiding? 6 00:00:40,683 --> 00:00:41,843 She's not dead, Julian. 7 00:00:41,843 --> 00:00:43,523 The good ones never are. 8 00:00:43,523 --> 00:00:44,963 It's just a costume. 9 00:00:44,963 --> 00:00:47,243 They're making a documentary - History's Greatest Plots. 10 00:00:47,243 --> 00:00:50,123 Apparently, there was a coup planned here back in the day. 11 00:00:50,123 --> 00:00:52,523 Hey, look, that wasn't a coup, per se. 12 00:00:52,523 --> 00:00:56,283 That was an informal discussion with some parliamentary colleagues 13 00:00:56,283 --> 00:00:57,843 about Maggie's leadership style. 14 00:00:57,843 --> 00:01:00,363 You know? She's not talking about the '80s, mate. 15 00:01:00,363 --> 00:01:04,123 Look at her! What plot she talk abutt? About? Dunno. 16 00:01:04,123 --> 00:01:06,243 That's just what they told us. I thought you might know. 17 00:01:06,243 --> 00:01:08,363 ROBIN GRUNTS It's possible 18 00:01:08,363 --> 00:01:10,923 Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters... 19 00:01:10,923 --> 00:01:12,083 BUZZING Oh! 20 00:01:12,083 --> 00:01:13,243 SHE SQUEALS 21 00:01:13,243 --> 00:01:16,163 GHOSTS LAUGH One for the bloopers! 22 00:01:19,043 --> 00:01:21,883 ..Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters... 23 00:01:21,883 --> 00:01:23,003 What? 24 00:01:23,003 --> 00:01:26,963 Do you know, I don't think I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah. 25 00:01:26,963 --> 00:01:29,523 I asked the producer if they'll name-check the house 26 00:01:29,523 --> 00:01:32,443 and he just stared at me blankly, so... 27 00:01:32,443 --> 00:01:34,443 That's the producer over there, Mike. 28 00:01:34,443 --> 00:01:36,443 Oh. Well, then I asked some guy. 29 00:01:36,443 --> 00:01:39,963 Er, do you mind? Some of us are trying to learn something here. 30 00:01:39,963 --> 00:01:43,563 ..regarded by many as a martyr, a mastermind, 31 00:01:43,563 --> 00:01:46,963 a hero, and perhaps the most important person ever 32 00:01:46,963 --> 00:01:48,323 to have walked these grounds. 33 00:01:48,323 --> 00:01:50,683 Is it me? Sounds like me. 34 00:01:50,683 --> 00:01:53,643 Which is why the history books echo with the name 35 00:01:53,643 --> 00:01:55,243 Sir Humphrey Bone. 36 00:01:55,243 --> 00:01:57,283 Oh. Huh. Hmm. 37 00:01:57,283 --> 00:02:00,923 Heavens! Why, I think she means... 38 00:02:05,803 --> 00:02:07,403 ALL: Oh. 39 00:02:07,403 --> 00:02:09,523 Oh, it's fallen off again! 40 00:02:09,523 --> 00:02:11,563 Humphrey? Where is he? 41 00:02:32,963 --> 00:02:35,163 It's just such an incredible place. 42 00:02:35,163 --> 00:02:37,403 You can almost hear the history echo from the walls. 43 00:02:37,403 --> 00:02:38,603 Yeah, it's almost like... 44 00:02:38,603 --> 00:02:40,763 HUBBUB ..it doesn't shut up! 45 00:02:40,763 --> 00:02:42,443 And there's a Stuart facade, 46 00:02:42,443 --> 00:02:44,443 and the Dutch gable, and the... 47 00:02:44,443 --> 00:02:46,443 High-end B&B? In the gatehouse, 48 00:02:46,443 --> 00:02:49,043 opens next spring. Tell your friends. We could probably 49 00:02:49,043 --> 00:02:51,123 do a discount... We're really, really lucky 50 00:02:51,123 --> 00:02:53,163 to have found - well, been given - this place. 51 00:02:53,163 --> 00:02:55,723 Actually, we did wonder if you'd be up for talking about 52 00:02:55,723 --> 00:02:58,403 your family connection to the house on camera. 53 00:02:58,403 --> 00:02:59,923 Who? Me? 54 00:02:59,923 --> 00:03:03,883 I-I-I-I... I've never been on camera. 55 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,963 Well, have a think about it. 56 00:03:05,963 --> 00:03:07,963 Yeah. She'll think about it. 57 00:03:09,443 --> 00:03:10,483 Are you mad? 58 00:03:10,483 --> 00:03:12,003 Context? The interview. 59 00:03:12,003 --> 00:03:14,563 To make the gatehouse a guest house, we need ghosts. Guests. 60 00:03:14,563 --> 00:03:17,443 And this is free publicity, so... No, forget it. 61 00:03:17,443 --> 00:03:19,843 I'm not going on telly. Why? What are you so scared of? 62 00:03:19,843 --> 00:03:21,083 Going on telly! 63 00:03:21,083 --> 00:03:22,963 Oh, you'd be great. No! The camera would love you. 64 00:03:22,963 --> 00:03:24,843 Just tell your story, name-drop the house, and... 65 00:03:24,843 --> 00:03:26,923 ..oh, you could wear a top with our logo on it. 66 00:03:26,923 --> 00:03:28,643 We don't have a top with our logo on it. 67 00:03:28,643 --> 00:03:29,923 Hmm. We don't have a logo. 68 00:03:29,923 --> 00:03:32,883 Hmm. I'll call Obi. He'll do us a quick logo. 69 00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:34,523 Oooh... 70 00:03:34,523 --> 00:03:37,803 Bad moonah on the rise. 71 00:03:37,803 --> 00:03:40,123 Dust cover sun. 72 00:03:40,123 --> 00:03:42,843 Birds fall. Crop fail. 73 00:03:42,843 --> 00:03:46,043 Something wicked this way come. 74 00:03:46,043 --> 00:03:49,203 BARKING Bitches? Bitches! 75 00:03:49,203 --> 00:03:51,803 Oh, that explain it. Anybody home? 76 00:03:51,803 --> 00:03:54,443 Ah, Annabel! 77 00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,803 ALL: Alison. 78 00:03:55,803 --> 00:03:57,683 I was hoping I'd catch you. LADY BUTTON: Humphrey? 79 00:03:57,683 --> 00:03:59,603 Humphrey! Humphrey! 80 00:03:59,603 --> 00:04:01,803 Humphrey? Humphrey! 81 00:04:01,803 --> 00:04:04,163 Humphrey! MARY: Head bit? 82 00:04:04,163 --> 00:04:06,923 Humphrey? I'm just saying, personally speaking, 83 00:04:06,923 --> 00:04:10,083 I can't remember ever seeing you properly laugh. 84 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,483 That's absolute nonsense. I laugh all the time. 85 00:04:12,483 --> 00:04:15,563 Why, only the other evening, Fanny and I were in stitches 86 00:04:15,563 --> 00:04:17,683 while recalling the satirical skewering 87 00:04:17,683 --> 00:04:20,163 of socio-political institutions in The Mikado. 88 00:04:20,163 --> 00:04:22,443 Isn't that right, Fanny? Mm? The Mikado? 89 00:04:22,443 --> 00:04:25,003 Oh, hilarious skewering of socio-political institutions. 90 00:04:25,003 --> 00:04:27,363 Hysterical. Side-splitting. Riotous. Agreed. 91 00:04:27,363 --> 00:04:32,243 I concur. So I hope that puts this matter to rest. Carry on. 92 00:04:32,243 --> 00:04:34,323 Humphrey! Head? Humphrey? 93 00:04:34,323 --> 00:04:35,683 Humphrey! 94 00:04:35,683 --> 00:04:37,003 Neither of you laugh! 95 00:04:37,003 --> 00:04:38,243 KITTY: Found it! 96 00:04:38,243 --> 00:04:40,523 Him! Him, sorry. 97 00:04:40,523 --> 00:04:45,083 You didn't tell us you were famous. Am I? Ooh, that's nice. 98 00:04:45,083 --> 00:04:46,403 Am I a painter? 99 00:04:46,403 --> 00:04:48,803 She means the plot, mate. The Catholic plot. 100 00:04:48,803 --> 00:04:50,323 Oh, that. 101 00:04:50,323 --> 00:04:53,323 You always said your death was just a misunderstanding. 102 00:04:53,323 --> 00:04:54,563 Well, in a way, yeah. 103 00:04:54,563 --> 00:04:57,163 Certainly wasn't, erm... straightforward. 104 00:04:57,163 --> 00:04:58,723 What, one chop? 105 00:04:58,723 --> 00:05:00,763 Well, it sounds pretty straightforward to me, 106 00:05:00,763 --> 00:05:02,323 but then I was burned alive, so... 107 00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:04,443 All right, now, steady on, Mary. Steady. Steady. 108 00:05:04,443 --> 00:05:07,683 Well... I mean more that the circumstances were... 109 00:05:09,083 --> 00:05:10,443 ..complicated. 110 00:05:18,843 --> 00:05:21,523 I could tell you about it if you like. Well, if you wouldn't mind. 111 00:05:21,523 --> 00:05:23,563 That would be wonderful, yes. We've got all day. 112 00:05:23,563 --> 00:05:24,643 Well... 113 00:05:27,443 --> 00:05:31,083 Yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum! 114 00:05:31,083 --> 00:05:33,043 Ooh, thank you. 115 00:05:34,083 --> 00:05:35,283 HUMS TO HIMSELF 116 00:05:35,283 --> 00:05:36,883 Bon matin? 117 00:05:36,883 --> 00:05:40,883 Did you sleep well? Er, dormir...bon? 118 00:05:40,883 --> 00:05:45,363 Cos it gets quite draughty down your end of the, um... 119 00:05:45,363 --> 00:05:47,843 Do you want a bit of brekkie? Boeuf? Bit of brekkie, Sophie? 120 00:05:47,843 --> 00:05:49,483 SIGHS Oh, la la. 121 00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:50,843 Qu'est ce qu'il veut maintenant? 122 00:05:50,843 --> 00:05:54,443 Erm, I was just wondering if there might be 123 00:05:54,443 --> 00:05:56,723 something you might fancy doing. 124 00:05:57,883 --> 00:05:59,803 Not with me. Not with me. 125 00:05:59,803 --> 00:06:02,523 No, erm, I meant more for you. 126 00:06:02,523 --> 00:06:04,723 Like a hobby. Oh, c'est insupportable. 127 00:06:04,723 --> 00:06:06,403 Something that might make you a bit more... 128 00:06:06,403 --> 00:06:07,803 ..joyeux? 129 00:06:09,083 --> 00:06:12,203 Uh, tapestry? Maybe? 130 00:06:12,203 --> 00:06:14,603 Or you could learn some English? 131 00:06:14,603 --> 00:06:16,043 Or there's archery, 132 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:18,763 or you could learn a bit of English. 133 00:06:20,723 --> 00:06:22,283 It doesn't matter, actually. 134 00:06:24,123 --> 00:06:25,523 Livres. 135 00:06:26,803 --> 00:06:28,163 Me leave? 136 00:06:28,163 --> 00:06:30,243 I live here. Livres. 137 00:06:32,603 --> 00:06:34,443 Salon de lecture? 138 00:06:37,283 --> 00:06:40,163 Oh, like a reading group! 139 00:06:40,163 --> 00:06:42,723 Yeah, great idea. You could use the chart room 140 00:06:42,723 --> 00:06:44,123 up in my end if you wanted. 141 00:06:47,203 --> 00:06:49,763 And maybe in winter, you could learn a bit of English. 142 00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:55,003 It is...ugly language. 143 00:06:58,283 --> 00:07:01,843 It is AN ugly language, but, yes, well done. Very good. 144 00:07:04,243 --> 00:07:05,643 KITTY: Humphrey? 145 00:07:09,083 --> 00:07:11,043 Humphrey? 146 00:07:11,043 --> 00:07:13,363 Humphrey? Sorry. 147 00:07:13,363 --> 00:07:16,723 It's not someone I've thought about in a very long... What about jokes? 148 00:07:16,723 --> 00:07:18,083 Do you like jokes? 149 00:07:18,083 --> 00:07:19,963 Hmm. 150 00:07:19,963 --> 00:07:22,283 Oh, I don't think we ever lent you a champagne bucket, 151 00:07:22,283 --> 00:07:24,163 cos, well, we don't own a champagne bucket. 152 00:07:24,163 --> 00:07:25,683 Well, you do now. 153 00:07:25,683 --> 00:07:27,243 Oh, a film crew! 154 00:07:27,243 --> 00:07:28,963 How surprising. 155 00:07:28,963 --> 00:07:30,923 I'm surprised. 156 00:07:30,923 --> 00:07:34,763 Though, now I think of it, I do remember Jan from the shop 157 00:07:34,763 --> 00:07:38,603 mentioning something about a documentary, was it? Oh. 158 00:07:38,603 --> 00:07:40,403 Lucky I dropped by! 159 00:07:40,403 --> 00:07:44,683 I do feel lucky. I imagine they could use a little local knowledge, 160 00:07:44,683 --> 00:07:46,523 fill in the gaps in their research. 161 00:07:46,523 --> 00:07:48,123 I'm not sure that you... 162 00:07:48,123 --> 00:07:51,203 ..care what I say, or know my name. Hello there! 163 00:07:51,203 --> 00:07:55,363 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local landowner slash historian. 164 00:07:55,363 --> 00:07:58,283 Urgh. He hasn't changed, has he? 165 00:07:58,283 --> 00:08:01,483 Arrogant, sleazy, and entirely self-serving. 166 00:08:01,483 --> 00:08:04,243 Can you believe I used to associate with that type? 167 00:08:04,243 --> 00:08:06,483 SNORTS 168 00:08:06,483 --> 00:08:08,443 So I've done a lot of... 169 00:08:09,603 --> 00:08:11,443 Hello. See that? 170 00:08:11,443 --> 00:08:13,763 I spy Harry Heart Attack. 171 00:08:13,763 --> 00:08:17,523 Those three-bottle lunches finally catching up with him, eh? 172 00:08:17,523 --> 00:08:20,283 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha... 173 00:08:20,283 --> 00:08:22,043 Oh, no. 174 00:08:22,043 --> 00:08:24,043 Alison! 175 00:08:24,043 --> 00:08:25,923 You have to get him out of here right now. 176 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,163 What are you talking about? 177 00:08:27,163 --> 00:08:29,323 Barclay is on the verge of a heart attack. 178 00:08:29,323 --> 00:08:30,803 Trust me, I know the signs. 179 00:08:30,803 --> 00:08:33,443 What if he carks it right there and doesn't move on? 180 00:08:33,443 --> 00:08:35,043 We could be stuck with him forever. 181 00:08:35,043 --> 00:08:37,683 I think you're getting a bit carried away. Which means 182 00:08:37,683 --> 00:08:40,443 you could be stuck with him, too. 183 00:08:40,443 --> 00:08:42,083 Every day. 184 00:08:42,083 --> 00:08:43,963 For the rest of your life. 185 00:08:43,963 --> 00:08:45,243 Oh, no. 186 00:08:45,243 --> 00:08:49,763 Lovely strip of land at the end of the drive there once belonged to me. 187 00:08:49,763 --> 00:08:51,123 Ahh. 188 00:08:52,123 --> 00:08:54,603 No way. OK, what about 4:30? 189 00:08:54,603 --> 00:08:57,003 Can you do it by 4:30? It's not about the deadline. 190 00:08:57,003 --> 00:09:00,323 I'm just not doing black text on a white T-shirt. 191 00:09:00,323 --> 00:09:01,723 I'm an artiste. 192 00:09:01,723 --> 00:09:04,803 What? Would you ask Michelangelo to touch up your skirting boards? 193 00:09:04,803 --> 00:09:07,163 Depends on his prices. And if he could do it by 4:30. 194 00:09:07,163 --> 00:09:09,643 Here's what I'll do - custom vector logo, 195 00:09:09,643 --> 00:09:13,243 three-colour digiprint on a high-weave cotton blend! 196 00:09:13,243 --> 00:09:15,723 Sounds great. Thanks, man. Owe you one. 197 00:09:15,723 --> 00:09:17,243 And you'll credit me on air, right? 198 00:09:17,243 --> 00:09:18,923 I mean, if they ask about the top. 199 00:09:18,923 --> 00:09:22,243 Oh, they'll ask about the top! 200 00:09:22,243 --> 00:09:24,203 That's a fact! 201 00:09:24,203 --> 00:09:28,843 And the priest says, "I know! That's why I painted it gold." 202 00:09:31,163 --> 00:09:33,843 That is offensive to at least five different religions. 203 00:09:33,843 --> 00:09:35,203 There are only three in it. 204 00:09:35,203 --> 00:09:37,403 Give over. It's just a harmless bit of fun. 205 00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:40,243 You haven't heard me jumbo jet joke yet. 206 00:09:40,243 --> 00:09:43,003 There's a nun, a gorilla and a paed... 207 00:09:43,003 --> 00:09:45,603 Do you mind? I'm baring my soul here. 208 00:09:45,603 --> 00:09:47,763 You're making this very slow and painful. 209 00:09:47,763 --> 00:09:50,123 Unlike his execution. Oh! 210 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,803 Now, where was I? 211 00:09:51,803 --> 00:09:53,403 Oh, yeah. 212 00:09:53,403 --> 00:09:54,723 Book club. 213 00:09:56,643 --> 00:10:00,243 Bonjour. Good to, er, see you. Bonjour again. 214 00:10:02,003 --> 00:10:04,003 Ca va? 215 00:10:04,003 --> 00:10:07,163 Happy reading. What book is it this week? 216 00:10:07,163 --> 00:10:08,363 Quel livre? 217 00:10:08,363 --> 00:10:11,003 Le Printemps d'Yver, Contenant Plusieurs Histoires 218 00:10:11,003 --> 00:10:12,283 Discourses en Cinq Journees 219 00:10:12,283 --> 00:10:14,563 en Une Noble Compagnie au Chateau du Printemps. 220 00:10:15,763 --> 00:10:17,363 Well, don't tell me how it ends. 221 00:10:22,443 --> 00:10:27,363 Je voulais vous remercier. Pour m'avoir laisse faire ca. 222 00:10:27,363 --> 00:10:28,883 Je me sens un peu mieux. 223 00:10:28,883 --> 00:10:30,563 Ssh... 224 00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:31,603 Moi... 225 00:10:32,643 --> 00:10:33,803 ..joyeux. 226 00:10:35,763 --> 00:10:38,243 Thank you. You're welcome. 227 00:10:41,003 --> 00:10:42,283 DOOR CLOSES 228 00:10:46,483 --> 00:10:48,563 Well, don't just stand there. We have much to do. 229 00:10:49,563 --> 00:10:52,243 We've received word from Queen Mary. 230 00:10:52,243 --> 00:10:55,763 She approves of your plan, but only if we can act quickly. 231 00:10:55,763 --> 00:10:57,563 There are spies everywhere. 232 00:10:57,563 --> 00:10:59,083 We cannot delay. 233 00:10:59,083 --> 00:11:02,683 Then Monday it is. We get Elizabeth on her way to chapel. 234 00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:05,603 By this time next week, the true Queen will sit on the throne. 235 00:11:05,603 --> 00:11:08,763 Death to Queen Bess. ALL: Death to Queen Bess. 236 00:11:10,123 --> 00:11:11,243 What about him? 237 00:11:13,243 --> 00:11:14,483 He knows nothing. 238 00:11:14,483 --> 00:11:16,243 Famously. 239 00:11:16,243 --> 00:11:18,243 THEY CHUCKLE 240 00:11:18,243 --> 00:11:19,563 He is a good man. 241 00:11:25,363 --> 00:11:28,163 So the plan is to conceal our blades here by the colonnade... 242 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:33,963 Well, fancy that! Young filly there seems to think I might have 243 00:11:33,963 --> 00:11:37,363 some useful insights - her words, not mine. 244 00:11:37,363 --> 00:11:39,243 Well, mine, but she nodded. 245 00:11:39,243 --> 00:11:41,363 Wants to get me on camera. 246 00:11:41,363 --> 00:11:44,323 And you're not, like, nervous about...? 247 00:11:44,323 --> 00:11:46,403 Ah-ah-ah! 248 00:11:46,403 --> 00:11:48,243 What I... What I mean by that is... 249 00:11:48,243 --> 00:11:50,443 Tell the old guff to go and die on his own property. 250 00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:52,403 He's got enough of it. Are you OK? 251 00:11:52,403 --> 00:11:55,483 Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle. In fact, 252 00:11:55,483 --> 00:11:57,843 I'm on a bit of a health kick. 253 00:11:57,843 --> 00:12:01,243 After 20 years of no exercise whatsoever, 254 00:12:01,243 --> 00:12:03,203 I've just taken up squash. 255 00:12:03,203 --> 00:12:05,883 Yeah, that'll do it. What is squash? 256 00:12:05,883 --> 00:12:08,683 So, we've got a few more shots to grab in the Rose Garden 257 00:12:08,683 --> 00:12:10,963 and then we'll be back to do the interviews. 258 00:12:10,963 --> 00:12:12,723 If you're both happy and... Marvellous! 259 00:12:12,723 --> 00:12:15,083 Yeah. I'll go and rehearse. There's no need 260 00:12:15,083 --> 00:12:16,603 to prepare anything, really. 261 00:12:16,603 --> 00:12:18,923 Best to keep it natural. Conversational. 262 00:12:18,923 --> 00:12:20,323 Of course. Of course. 263 00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:22,523 Amateur. 264 00:12:22,523 --> 00:12:26,243 You have got to get him out of here! 265 00:12:26,243 --> 00:12:29,883 I meant to say, Zara, there's a stunning view of the house, 266 00:12:29,883 --> 00:12:32,323 er, from just... just past that fence. 267 00:12:32,323 --> 00:12:35,563 I thought it might make a nice background for Barclay's interview. 268 00:12:35,563 --> 00:12:37,083 OK. I'll take a look. 269 00:12:37,083 --> 00:12:38,843 Yeah, yeah. Just PAST the fence. 270 00:12:38,843 --> 00:12:41,643 Just outside the grounds. Outside. Outside. 271 00:12:41,643 --> 00:12:43,643 Outside. Did you say outside? 272 00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:45,003 Yeah, I think she got it. 273 00:12:47,123 --> 00:12:50,923 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local historian. 274 00:12:50,923 --> 00:12:52,043 Friend of the house. 275 00:12:53,563 --> 00:12:57,443 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, Button House spokesman. 276 00:12:59,403 --> 00:13:00,763 What's he doing here? 277 00:13:00,763 --> 00:13:02,443 Cheg-Betwynde. Beg-Chetwynde. 278 00:13:02,443 --> 00:13:05,043 He just appeared. Like posh Batman. 279 00:13:05,043 --> 00:13:07,723 Well, he's in there saying he's our spokesman. Yeah, well, 280 00:13:07,723 --> 00:13:10,243 he spoke to Zara and they want to film a bit with him now. 281 00:13:10,243 --> 00:13:13,123 What? Yeah. Can't let him speak for us! You've got to do the interview. 282 00:13:13,123 --> 00:13:14,803 Oh, pile on the pressure. 283 00:13:14,803 --> 00:13:17,683 It's just, I know that you can do it. You're the face of Button House. 284 00:13:17,683 --> 00:13:19,283 Because you know what you've got? 285 00:13:19,283 --> 00:13:20,563 Inner strength? 286 00:13:20,563 --> 00:13:22,963 I was going to say a branded sweatshirt coming, but... 287 00:13:22,963 --> 00:13:24,363 But inner strength. OK. 288 00:13:24,363 --> 00:13:27,563 Yeah? Love you. 289 00:13:27,563 --> 00:13:29,683 Is it your oral skills? 290 00:13:29,683 --> 00:13:32,483 Excuse me? That worry you, about the interview? 291 00:13:32,483 --> 00:13:36,163 I just don't want to be on camera, like public speaking. 292 00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:37,883 I understand entirely. 293 00:13:37,883 --> 00:13:41,083 I remember my first confabulation on Button FM. 294 00:13:41,083 --> 00:13:45,163 Stammering like a chicken-hearted clown. 295 00:13:45,163 --> 00:13:49,723 But I found my voice, Alison, and I can help you find yours. 296 00:13:51,003 --> 00:13:52,683 OK? 297 00:13:52,683 --> 00:13:54,443 OK. 298 00:13:54,443 --> 00:13:55,803 How dare you? 299 00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:58,923 I'll have you know I've got my entertainers badge. 300 00:13:58,923 --> 00:14:01,123 I just hadn't sewn it on yet. 301 00:14:01,123 --> 00:14:03,163 The same with my sewing badge. 302 00:14:03,163 --> 00:14:06,043 I'm simply saying that the reason you so rarely see us 303 00:14:06,043 --> 00:14:08,843 reduced to fits of hysteria is because in present company, 304 00:14:08,843 --> 00:14:11,403 we're seldom given cause. All right, then. 305 00:14:11,403 --> 00:14:14,443 Why don't you make us all laugh, show us how it's done? 306 00:14:14,443 --> 00:14:15,683 I'll handle this, Fanny. 307 00:14:15,683 --> 00:14:17,723 Right. Now. I just remember thinking, 308 00:14:17,723 --> 00:14:19,603 "Well, it must be a pretty good book, 309 00:14:19,603 --> 00:14:21,923 "cos they've been in there for ages." 310 00:14:21,923 --> 00:14:25,403 Farewell. Au revoir. Er, bon...to see you all. 311 00:14:26,883 --> 00:14:27,923 Take care. 312 00:14:33,083 --> 00:14:34,763 HUMS TO HIMSELF 313 00:14:37,883 --> 00:14:40,243 Oh, someone forgot their... 314 00:14:40,243 --> 00:14:41,803 Oh! 315 00:14:50,963 --> 00:14:52,243 Oh, no. 316 00:14:53,963 --> 00:14:56,323 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 317 00:14:56,323 --> 00:14:58,283 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 318 00:14:58,283 --> 00:15:00,563 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 319 00:15:00,563 --> 00:15:02,923 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon... 320 00:15:02,923 --> 00:15:04,843 Something amusing? Sorry. It's just, 321 00:15:04,843 --> 00:15:08,003 it's hard to think of you in a sort of, well, teacher role. 322 00:15:08,003 --> 00:15:09,883 Ah, I see. 323 00:15:09,883 --> 00:15:11,443 Because of the frisson. 324 00:15:11,443 --> 00:15:13,883 The frisson? The frisson between us. 325 00:15:13,883 --> 00:15:17,883 I know it is difficult, Alison, but while you are under my tutelage, 326 00:15:17,883 --> 00:15:20,203 you really must pretend there is no frisson. 327 00:15:20,203 --> 00:15:21,523 Thomas, there is no frisson. 328 00:15:22,723 --> 00:15:24,163 That's the spirit. 329 00:15:25,483 --> 00:15:26,763 Now, then, your turn. 330 00:15:26,763 --> 00:15:30,523 The butler... The butler burnt the butter and the butter... 331 00:15:30,523 --> 00:15:33,643 BUTler. The butler burnt the butter... What's a budler? 332 00:15:33,643 --> 00:15:35,603 Bu-t-t-t. Big but. Big but. That's it. 333 00:15:35,603 --> 00:15:37,563 VIBRATES LIPS 334 00:15:37,563 --> 00:15:39,323 MUFFLED: Welcome to Button House. That's it. 335 00:15:39,323 --> 00:15:41,283 I know it feels strange but it really strengthens... 336 00:15:41,283 --> 00:15:43,043 Shaking everything. 337 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:45,323 VIBRATES LIPS 338 00:15:45,323 --> 00:15:48,083 I am a confident and beautiful young woman. 339 00:15:48,083 --> 00:15:50,563 I am a confident woman... And I deserve to be on television. 340 00:15:50,563 --> 00:15:52,603 Welcome to Button House. Hands at our sides. 341 00:15:52,603 --> 00:15:53,923 We're not a seagull. 342 00:15:53,923 --> 00:15:56,563 Thomas is terrific and I wish... Thomas is terrific and I wish... 343 00:15:56,563 --> 00:15:58,283 ..we were betrothed. ..we were... No. 344 00:15:58,283 --> 00:16:00,203 It's just an exercise. 345 00:16:00,203 --> 00:16:02,323 Fine, we'll do something else. 346 00:16:02,323 --> 00:16:05,443 And the quartermaster says, "You may have paid the bill, 347 00:16:05,443 --> 00:16:09,243 "but I'm still the PATE familias." 348 00:16:11,163 --> 00:16:12,683 Because he'd had the pate. 349 00:16:12,683 --> 00:16:13,923 The pate! Do you see? 350 00:16:14,883 --> 00:16:16,283 It's very clever. 351 00:16:16,283 --> 00:16:17,603 She didn't laugh. 352 00:16:17,603 --> 00:16:19,003 You didn't laugh. 353 00:16:19,003 --> 00:16:20,923 Nobody laughed. Yes. 354 00:16:20,923 --> 00:16:23,763 Long, fancy words don't make something funny. 355 00:16:23,763 --> 00:16:26,683 I find I often laugh most at the simplest things. 356 00:16:26,683 --> 00:16:28,043 Duly noted. 357 00:16:28,043 --> 00:16:29,803 Like someone else laughing. Oh, yes. 358 00:16:29,803 --> 00:16:31,603 Laughter is contagious. 359 00:16:31,603 --> 00:16:34,883 What? Oh, no! Oh, no, no. Not in a bad way, Kitty. 360 00:16:34,883 --> 00:16:37,883 No, just that laughter breeds more laughter. 361 00:16:37,883 --> 00:16:40,203 Preposterous. Balderdash. 362 00:16:41,923 --> 00:16:44,003 SHE LAUGHS 363 00:16:45,323 --> 00:16:46,683 HE CHUCKLES 364 00:16:50,643 --> 00:16:53,483 THEY LAUGH 365 00:17:01,283 --> 00:17:04,563 PHONE RINGS 366 00:17:04,563 --> 00:17:07,243 What's up? About this top. I've been... 367 00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:10,523 Haven't you done it yet? Impact-wise, we could wrap the text 368 00:17:10,523 --> 00:17:13,083 around the trunk and... I don't care if you potato-print it 369 00:17:13,083 --> 00:17:15,163 on a bin bag, as long as it says Button House 370 00:17:15,163 --> 00:17:18,083 and it's here by 4:30, yeah? All right, all right, I'm on it! 371 00:17:18,083 --> 00:17:21,243 This sweater is my Sistine Chapel roof. 372 00:17:21,243 --> 00:17:23,483 Ceiling. Is it? Good. 373 00:17:23,483 --> 00:17:26,763 Because I just googled the roof and I weren't blown away. 374 00:17:29,243 --> 00:17:33,363 UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER 375 00:17:42,883 --> 00:17:44,283 LAUGHING: I can't help myself! 376 00:17:46,683 --> 00:17:48,643 ALL GASP FOR BREATH 377 00:17:54,643 --> 00:17:56,243 Anyway, where was I? 378 00:17:56,243 --> 00:17:58,723 About to die. Oh, yeah. 379 00:17:58,723 --> 00:18:00,483 If you can calls that dying. 380 00:18:03,043 --> 00:18:04,483 Bonne nuit, Sophie. 381 00:18:12,923 --> 00:18:14,603 What have you done? 382 00:18:14,603 --> 00:18:17,403 OUTSIDE: Halt! Her Majesty's Guard. We have to go. 383 00:18:17,403 --> 00:18:18,843 Go? What? 384 00:18:18,843 --> 00:18:21,243 You want to live, we must go. 385 00:18:21,243 --> 00:18:22,883 OUTSIDE: Who do you think you are? 386 00:18:22,883 --> 00:18:24,603 Humphrey! 387 00:18:25,803 --> 00:18:27,323 I'll hold them off as long as I can. 388 00:18:27,323 --> 00:18:29,043 THUDDING Quoi?! 389 00:18:29,043 --> 00:18:32,003 This isn't the life you signed up for. Go! 390 00:18:32,003 --> 00:18:33,803 Have another one. 391 00:18:33,803 --> 00:18:35,283 Well, go! 392 00:18:35,283 --> 00:18:37,403 HAMMERING ON DOOR Open this door! 393 00:18:37,403 --> 00:18:39,123 Show yourself! 394 00:18:40,683 --> 00:18:42,323 HAMMERING ON DOOR 395 00:18:42,323 --> 00:18:44,203 Open up! 396 00:18:44,203 --> 00:18:45,243 Ahh! 397 00:18:47,683 --> 00:18:48,923 Keep going! 398 00:18:48,923 --> 00:18:51,683 PRESENTER: ..beheaded on the spot for high treason, 399 00:18:51,683 --> 00:18:53,883 so heinous was his crime, 400 00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:57,323 with Mary's orders still in his hand. 401 00:18:57,323 --> 00:19:01,043 Sir Humphrey Bone, mastermind of the Bone Plot, 402 00:19:01,043 --> 00:19:02,683 and martyr to it. 403 00:19:02,683 --> 00:19:04,763 SWORD UNSHEATHES 404 00:19:08,403 --> 00:19:10,083 At least, that's how... 405 00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,603 CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT 406 00:19:12,683 --> 00:19:14,083 For valiance. 407 00:19:14,083 --> 00:19:16,523 Yes. Quite right. Well said, that man. 408 00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:18,403 Fair do's, actually. Fair do's. 409 00:19:18,403 --> 00:19:21,723 It's a horrible way to go. Easy for you to say, isn't it? 410 00:19:21,723 --> 00:19:23,403 You barely even feels an arrow. 411 00:19:23,403 --> 00:19:24,883 You what? 412 00:19:24,883 --> 00:19:27,883 We should tell Alison what we've learned. 413 00:19:27,883 --> 00:19:30,643 Yes. And she can tell the television people. 414 00:19:37,563 --> 00:19:39,723 ECHOING: This isn't the life you signed up for! 415 00:19:39,723 --> 00:19:41,003 Go! 416 00:19:44,363 --> 00:19:46,963 In the name of Her Majesty, open this door! 417 00:19:46,963 --> 00:19:49,283 HAMMERING ON DOOR 418 00:19:49,283 --> 00:19:51,203 SHOUTED ORDERS 419 00:19:54,643 --> 00:19:56,603 Oh, God. 420 00:19:56,603 --> 00:19:57,923 What am I doing?! 421 00:20:01,763 --> 00:20:04,363 YELLS 422 00:20:09,603 --> 00:20:11,163 Ha! Oh! 423 00:20:17,643 --> 00:20:19,443 Ah! Yes! Yes! 424 00:20:24,323 --> 00:20:26,323 God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... 425 00:20:31,243 --> 00:20:32,883 Her Majesty's Guards! 426 00:20:32,883 --> 00:20:34,683 Show yourself! 427 00:20:42,163 --> 00:20:43,603 DOOR OPENS 428 00:20:51,003 --> 00:20:52,363 No sign of him, sir. 429 00:20:53,803 --> 00:20:55,483 Why is it always bad news with you? 430 00:20:55,483 --> 00:20:58,123 It's not always... It's never, "Oh, I've found him, he's through here." 431 00:20:58,123 --> 00:21:00,203 I found that priest hole once. There was no priest in it. 432 00:21:00,203 --> 00:21:01,483 That was just a hole. 433 00:21:03,483 --> 00:21:05,403 SHUFFLING 434 00:21:21,723 --> 00:21:23,243 God, I love this house. 435 00:21:24,243 --> 00:21:25,643 BLADES CLASH, SQUELCH 436 00:21:33,123 --> 00:21:35,483 Whoopsy-daisy. 437 00:21:39,203 --> 00:21:41,363 I might say I did that. I would. 438 00:21:46,363 --> 00:21:49,483 See, this is why I won't have swords in the house. Yeah. 439 00:21:49,483 --> 00:21:51,563 Well, you've got kids, haven't you? 440 00:22:04,123 --> 00:22:05,443 Bad day? 441 00:22:05,443 --> 00:22:06,963 SCREAMS 442 00:22:06,963 --> 00:22:10,123 Hey. Well, I think we're almost ready to do the interviews, 443 00:22:10,123 --> 00:22:13,443 if you... Yeah, about that. I don't know what Mr Deg-Chegwin told you, 444 00:22:13,443 --> 00:22:15,923 but he's not actually anything to do with Button House. 445 00:22:15,923 --> 00:22:18,363 He's just a sort of mean local weirdo. 446 00:22:18,363 --> 00:22:20,283 Actually, that's not fair. No, that is fair. 447 00:22:20,283 --> 00:22:23,163 So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't associated with the house 448 00:22:23,163 --> 00:22:25,643 because, to be honest, I'm worried about how he comes across on TV. 449 00:22:25,643 --> 00:22:27,763 OK. It's just that I got the impression 450 00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,523 your wife wasn't all that keen to do an interview. 451 00:22:30,523 --> 00:22:33,203 You're kidding! She can't wait. I'm telling you, 452 00:22:33,203 --> 00:22:35,043 she's a natural. 453 00:22:35,043 --> 00:22:36,843 Er... 454 00:22:36,843 --> 00:22:39,003 So the house is, um... Um... 455 00:22:39,003 --> 00:22:41,283 ..like, my connection, um... 456 00:22:41,283 --> 00:22:43,963 Um. ..to the family. Um... 457 00:22:43,963 --> 00:22:45,283 Um, um, um... 458 00:22:45,283 --> 00:22:47,203 You see, if we can just... Babe! You're up next. 459 00:22:47,203 --> 00:22:49,883 What, now? We need more time, damn you! Already? 460 00:22:49,883 --> 00:22:53,203 Can't Barclay go first? No, he's been canned. 461 00:22:53,203 --> 00:22:56,003 Apparently an anonymous source told them what he's like 462 00:22:56,003 --> 00:22:58,763 and they were like... Mike. What? He's bad PR and you know it. 463 00:22:58,763 --> 00:23:00,443 How did he take it? 464 00:23:00,443 --> 00:23:03,323 Um... "Um...!" They're all at it. Give me five minutes 465 00:23:03,323 --> 00:23:04,883 and I'll let you know. Wish me luck. 466 00:23:04,883 --> 00:23:06,443 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 467 00:23:06,443 --> 00:23:08,763 I'll do it. We need to be gentle with him 468 00:23:08,763 --> 00:23:11,723 and then we need to get him out of here real quick. 469 00:23:11,723 --> 00:23:13,483 HORN TOOTS 470 00:23:13,483 --> 00:23:14,803 Obi! 471 00:23:14,803 --> 00:23:16,443 Oh, we're finished here, are we? 472 00:23:18,283 --> 00:23:21,403 Hey, see? It's a masterpiece! 473 00:23:21,403 --> 00:23:22,603 Yeah, yeah. Give it to me. 474 00:23:24,403 --> 00:23:26,643 Why are you wearing it? Because it looks sick. 475 00:23:26,643 --> 00:23:29,843 Right. We're ready for Alison, just up by the fence there. 476 00:23:29,843 --> 00:23:31,923 Fence? What fence? Just up by the... 477 00:23:31,923 --> 00:23:34,563 She thought the view was quite good. No, no, no. 478 00:23:34,563 --> 00:23:38,763 I mean, there's much better spots nearer the house, like by the sign. 479 00:23:38,763 --> 00:23:41,243 So you can see the house. By the sign? 480 00:23:41,243 --> 00:23:43,803 It's just we're all set up over there now. 481 00:23:43,803 --> 00:23:47,643 But...but maybe we'll come and grab something here a bit later. 482 00:23:48,963 --> 00:23:54,203 I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part of its rich and varied history. 483 00:23:55,323 --> 00:23:59,163 Yes, that'll do it. Right, once more. Get it in the old memory. 484 00:23:59,163 --> 00:24:01,363 Oh, God. Is he still here? 485 00:24:01,363 --> 00:24:02,643 Hello there. 486 00:24:02,643 --> 00:24:05,243 What? Me? May I just say 487 00:24:05,243 --> 00:24:08,963 what an honour it is to be joining you here in this wonderful house? 488 00:24:08,963 --> 00:24:10,443 Oh, God, no. 489 00:24:10,443 --> 00:24:13,203 I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part 490 00:24:13,203 --> 00:24:15,963 of its rich and varied history. 491 00:24:15,963 --> 00:24:17,323 It's happened! 492 00:24:17,323 --> 00:24:19,403 Alison! 493 00:24:19,403 --> 00:24:21,403 Ah, perfect. 494 00:24:21,403 --> 00:24:24,003 Knock, knock. Hi, how are you? 495 00:24:24,003 --> 00:24:25,083 How are you? 496 00:24:25,083 --> 00:24:26,923 Yes, fine, raring to go. 497 00:24:26,923 --> 00:24:28,043 GRUNTS 498 00:24:28,043 --> 00:24:29,923 Er, right. 499 00:24:29,923 --> 00:24:32,163 It's just... 500 00:24:32,163 --> 00:24:33,403 Do you want to sit down? 501 00:24:33,403 --> 00:24:34,683 No! 502 00:24:34,683 --> 00:24:36,043 Really? OK. 503 00:24:36,043 --> 00:24:40,723 The thing is, talking again to the documentary guys, 504 00:24:40,723 --> 00:24:44,483 it seems now they want to focus more on people 505 00:24:44,483 --> 00:24:47,483 who actually lived...live in the house. 506 00:24:49,643 --> 00:24:50,803 Oh, dear. 507 00:24:50,803 --> 00:24:52,963 So I wore a new shirt for nothing. 508 00:24:52,963 --> 00:24:56,243 Been bally baking in it all day, 509 00:24:56,243 --> 00:24:57,883 and talk about itchy! 510 00:25:01,043 --> 00:25:03,563 Well, that explains it. 511 00:25:03,563 --> 00:25:04,963 Yes, it does. 512 00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,683 Oh, that's much better. 513 00:25:06,683 --> 00:25:08,203 Yeah. 514 00:25:17,403 --> 00:25:21,003 Breathe, but don't gasp, and don't gabble. No ums and ahs. 515 00:25:21,003 --> 00:25:24,163 If you need to pause, pause, but don't show you're pausing. 516 00:25:24,163 --> 00:25:26,523 Look, I know that you mean well, 517 00:25:26,523 --> 00:25:28,043 but it's me they want to talk to, 518 00:25:28,043 --> 00:25:30,683 not some drop-out from the Thomas Thorne Finishing School. 519 00:25:30,683 --> 00:25:33,603 So will you please just stop talking and accept that you're a better poet 520 00:25:33,603 --> 00:25:36,083 than you are a teacher? And that is really saying something. 521 00:25:40,843 --> 00:25:45,083 Confident, eloquent, composed. 522 00:25:45,083 --> 00:25:46,603 My work here is done. 523 00:25:47,723 --> 00:25:49,483 Damn your eyes. You're welcome. 524 00:25:53,043 --> 00:25:55,883 It was inherited through my dad's side, but he died 525 00:25:55,883 --> 00:25:58,923 when I was young and my mum passed away more recently. 526 00:25:58,923 --> 00:26:01,683 So with no living relatives, the house has become a kind of 527 00:26:01,683 --> 00:26:04,803 link to my ancestors through the ages. 528 00:26:04,803 --> 00:26:07,443 It's like having family all around me. 529 00:26:07,443 --> 00:26:10,443 Can you give us any more information about...? Could you smile? 530 00:26:10,443 --> 00:26:13,563 But with your voice. Say Button House. 531 00:26:13,563 --> 00:26:17,523 Alison! ..every bit as fascinating as your journey... I warned you! 532 00:26:17,523 --> 00:26:20,443 I did warn you! SHOUTING, INTERVIEWER CONTINUES 533 00:26:22,003 --> 00:26:24,603 Pull the top down! ALL TALK AT ONCE 534 00:26:24,603 --> 00:26:27,483 You're doing very well, just block it out. 535 00:26:27,483 --> 00:26:29,683 Try not to hesitate... I warned you! 536 00:26:29,683 --> 00:26:31,483 Alison! Emergency! 537 00:26:31,483 --> 00:26:34,043 INTERVIEWER: Alison? Er... 538 00:26:35,883 --> 00:26:37,003 Er... 539 00:26:37,003 --> 00:26:38,923 ALISON ON TV: ..literally a phone call saying, 540 00:26:38,923 --> 00:26:40,003 "You now own this house." 541 00:26:40,003 --> 00:26:42,323 It was inherited through my dad's side, 542 00:26:42,323 --> 00:26:45,363 but he died when I was young and my mum passed away more recently. 543 00:26:45,363 --> 00:26:47,923 Aw. So with no living relatives, 544 00:26:47,923 --> 00:26:51,043 the house has become a kind of link... Oh, can't see the logo! 545 00:26:51,043 --> 00:26:53,363 Lose the thing! Lose the thing! 546 00:26:53,363 --> 00:26:55,003 It's like having family all around me. 547 00:26:55,003 --> 00:26:57,043 Aw! That's nice. 548 00:26:57,043 --> 00:26:59,883 I think this is where I... 549 00:26:59,883 --> 00:27:01,803 Well, the brick... The brick frontage 550 00:27:01,803 --> 00:27:03,483 is, er...it was a brick front 551 00:27:03,483 --> 00:27:07,043 added to what is, er, what was a Tudor house. 552 00:27:07,043 --> 00:27:09,563 FANNY: What does that say? What is a Butt Ho? 553 00:27:09,563 --> 00:27:11,403 Are you the Butt Ho? 554 00:27:11,403 --> 00:27:13,363 ..it was brick, it had a brick facade. 555 00:27:13,363 --> 00:27:14,963 Oh, my... Obi! 556 00:27:14,963 --> 00:27:16,043 CLEARS THROAT 557 00:27:16,043 --> 00:27:19,803 ..which is now what we now see now on Button House. 558 00:27:19,803 --> 00:27:22,283 Well, thanks, everyone. 559 00:27:22,283 --> 00:27:26,203 But there's much more to this place than just structural issues. 560 00:27:26,203 --> 00:27:29,203 ALL GROAN AND BOO 561 00:27:29,203 --> 00:27:31,163 For one thing, it's haunted! 562 00:27:31,163 --> 00:27:32,763 And I'm turning it off. No, no, wait. 563 00:27:32,763 --> 00:27:34,083 Oh! Hang on a sec. 564 00:27:34,083 --> 00:27:36,483 I think this is my cameo. 565 00:27:36,483 --> 00:27:37,763 Ooh! 566 00:27:37,763 --> 00:27:39,763 Watch the vase. 567 00:27:39,763 --> 00:27:41,363 Wait for it... 568 00:27:42,723 --> 00:27:45,323 THEY CHEER 569 00:27:45,323 --> 00:27:46,963 CAPTAIN: Bravo! 570 00:27:46,963 --> 00:27:48,883 It's like he's famous. 571 00:27:48,883 --> 00:27:51,123 Can I have your autograph? You got a pen? 572 00:27:51,123 --> 00:27:53,923 But one thing's for certain - when it came to the Catholic cause, 573 00:27:53,923 --> 00:27:56,683 Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared 574 00:27:56,683 --> 00:27:59,163 to stick his neck out. 575 00:27:59,163 --> 00:28:01,203 Oh-ho! Oh! Oh-ho! 576 00:28:01,203 --> 00:28:04,083 THEY LAUGH 577 00:28:04,083 --> 00:28:05,603 Oh, very good! 578 00:28:05,603 --> 00:28:08,003 Neck! Seriously?!