ANIMALS BLEAT
ALL CHATTER
He's back! Mick's back!
Mick?! Mick's back!
Mick's back! He is! Look!
Hi, everyone!
ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY
All right, all right! One at a time, let him speak! Speak, Mick.
Oh, it was the adventure of my life. I had an orange.
Did you? Oh!
I saw a bear kill a man.
Oh, gosh!
And I met the king.
No, you didn't! Did you?
YOU met the king?
Yep. Ooh, jel.
Went on his boat. Fishing.
Fishing... Yeah, he asked me to join his court,
but I said no way I'm leaving you lot.
You didn't! Sweetie! Mick!
I'd always wanted to visit the city, hadn't I? So...
You have. That's always been your dream, actually. You had, yeah.
Ooh, almost forgot!
I got you all some gifts!
That's naughty of you!
ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY
You didn't think I'd go all that way without bringing you back something!
Got loads of salt.
THEY CHATTER IN APPRECIATION
And... For us?!
Look at them! I can't believe you've done that!
Yeah!
ALL CHATTER
That's so generous of you!
Yeah, one each! Yeah!
Help yourselves. Mick, that's naughty...
Help yourselves!
HE CHUCKLES
HE COUGHS
VILLAGERS CHATTER HAPPILY
Look at it!
Alison.
CLEARS THROAT
Alison!
Alison! Alison!
MUFFLED DIN
SHE GROANS
DISTORTED: Alison! Alison!
SHE WINCES
Oh, my God...
Alison! Alison!
SHE GROANS
Alison!
Oh, my God...
Alison! Alison...!
Right. Stand by.
Ready, steady, go!
For King and country!
Oh, I feel so sick...
Can you get me some water?
CROAKY: Get your own w...
CROAKY: I've lost my voice.
I don't remember leaving the pub. Must've had fun.
At least we don't have to work today.
SHE SIGHS AND GROANS
MOBILE PHONE VIBRATES
Make it stop...
SHE COUGHS
Hello?
Sorry, who from who?
Isabelle from Belle's Weddings?
HE GROANS
Yeah, aw, thanks for getting in touch.
Yeah, we're really keen to be on your books...
..if you'll have us.
It's a lovely house.
Today?
I wonder if...if...
No, no, no, no, no. Oh, no. OK, today... Today's fine. Today's fine.
HE GROANS
Maybe just sort of, like, late, after...
One o'clock, is it? OK.
All right.
OK, bye!
Oh, my God. OK, I just need to shake this off...
Ohhh...
SHE PUFFS
Bit of breakfast...
We'll be fine.
SOBBING
Shut your mouth! It is a mansion!
Yeah, boy!
The impertinence!
Oh, this looks like fun!
The bally nerve! It's gone midnight.
Yeah, it is very late. Yeah, absolutely.
Welcome to my house!
ALL CHEER
CROAKY: Alison!
Alison...! Oh...!
Oh...!
SHE GASPS
QUIET SNORING
They came back.
I think I did my throat bass.
HE BEATBOXES
Yeah, you did.
Oh.
Shall we just call back and cancel? No way, we need it.
We can get this clean in time.
Oh...
Have you seen my other shoe?
Mm-mm...
OK.
You get people out and I'll...
I'm going to get bin bags.
SHE EXHALES
Right...
COUGHING NEARBY
SHE COUGHS
She awakes.
Oh, God...
As radiant as the sunrise itself.
My mouth tastes like the inside of a bin.
I would have made you breakfast, if I could.
Perhaps lamb's kidney and onion... Oh, stop it!
I wanted to thank you for last night.
I'll never forget those words you said to me.
What did I say?
Something that touched me very deeply.
Forgive me, I know I've not had a formal invitation,
but I wonder if I might...
Oh, Thomas, it's fine. You're part of the family.
Thank you, Alison.
A thousand thank yous!
UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC
Oh, that. Yeah, yeah, I meant it.
HE SQUEAKS
Are you OK?
OK.
Hello? It's home time.
MAN GROANS
Come on, man. It's time to go.
Why do you sound like Batman?
I lost my voice. You've got to go home, bruv.
Got a wedding planner coming to look at the house in two hours.
Come on, then.
Where are your shoes?
LOUD DRILLING
I'll go.
DRILLING CONTINUES
INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE
Ah! Oh, hi, Michael. Sorry about that.
I was just wondering if you could just save the drilling.
We're a bit fragile. We're actually just finished.
At last!
ALL MURMUR
We'll miss them, won't we?
We made rather an exciting discovery, actually.
Because, you see, none of the surrounding villages were struck,
so we know the disease was brought here...
ALL MURMUR
...by a visitor or an individual who went elsewhere and returned.
It could be anyone, I suppose, couldn't it?
But then we found a few samples of textiles and furs,
and we can be certain that they were host to plague-carrying fleas.
Once they got out, you've got no chance.
Everyone's dead!
HE CHUCKLES
I'm so sorry. I didn't know.
I don't think sorry's going to cut it, mate.
Ah, Alison, there you are!
Would you mind putting Guernsey's Nazi Past on the VCR for me, please?
I haven't watched my football yet.
Would you kindly tell Patrick that he missed his turn
and a miss is as good as a mile?
Guys, please, can you keep it down?
No, Alison, I'm sorry... I don't care!
She doesn't!
Alison...
SHE SOBS
Oh, I... Actually, I can't...
I can't deal with this this morning.
So hungover I actually, genuinely... I do think I'm going to die.
Hm, you need a remedy.
Hair of the dog, love. Just drink more booze.
Did you say that last night?
Yes. I have the cure.
Soak some mushrooms in milk of the goat and vinegar
till it's all warm and musty...
No, stop it. Stop it now.
Well, you see, Alison, this is what happens when you overindulge.
Square! When you give in to gay abandon.
You reap what you sow. You reap what you sow,
and now the soil returns...
Hey.
Morrow.
Oh, actually, no, yeah, good.
Hey, look. Cola!
Best thing for it.
SHE SPITS
Oh, God, that is...!
Oh, no, sorry. Ah, here she is!
The madam! The hostess!
Just when I think you have grasped the responsibility
of the family seat, you turn this place into a den of iniquity,
inviting goodness-knows-who to do goodness-knows-what!
SHE GASPS
Sorry, I think someone's hid
my clothes. Good Lord.
I shudder to think what happened under this roof last night.
This place is full of breakables,
treasured family heirlooms, irreplaceable bits of historical...
Nothing's damaged, and it's just a mess that I'm cleaning up,
so just don't...don't worry.
Well, don't think I won't notice.
Oh, God!
Where's Dante?
Dante?
The dog.
SHE GASPS
DANCE MUSIC
ALL LAUGH
Can we get a photo with him? Oh, yes, let's get a photo, girls!
Have you got your phone? A photograph with the girls!
Here's to me, too!
Cheers! Cheers!
Kitty's having a wonderful time at the party!
Don't forget me! That's good! My turn!
My turn! Take a photo with me!
Alison! Alison, sorry to bother you.
The captain asked me to convey a message.
Just to turn the music off,
and to "cease the talking immediately."
Tell him to stick it.
OK.
Oh...
Oh!
He's not here.
Ooh, you're in trouble now.
But I thought he was just an ornament.
No, he did mean a lot to Lady B. Loved it like her own child.
Once told me she loved it more than anything else in the world.
Well, I'm sure that...
Thanks, Alison. Great party! Same time next week.
Ha-ha-ha. No. Don't think so, mate.
LAUGHTER
Good luck, mate! You're not going to make it.
Oh! Oh, yes!
Yeah, boy!
Ready? I was born ready.
'Tis a fair old wangle, that. You haven't got the strength.
I got this.
Whoa! Ha-hey!
"Stick it"?! Wahey! Afraid so.
In my bottom, presumably. Oh!
Well, you go down there and you tell her...
Me turn!
Whoa! Whoa!
Wahey!
Yes! Well done!
Told you! It's a stupid game, anyway.
You stupid.
HE CHUCKLES
I didn't think this through...
Uh...
CROAKY: Just getting my shoes.
I can't say I'm surprised that something like this would happen.
I'll have to tell her, of course. What? No!
I will not allow Fanny to be deceived like this, to be...
No more war documentaries, then. Your secret's safe with me.
It's classified. She'd have to kill me first.
Well, you know what I mean. Right. Find the dog. Clean up.
Two hours...
Oh, my word...! Ahh!
What are you doing up here?!
We're actually going to live up here now, actually.
SHE SIGHS
Mick killed us all. Which is not remotely cool.
MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We can't be sharing the place with these plebeians.
What? He gave us all the plague.
Yeah, look.
ALL GROAN
And this.
ALISON GAGS
And this. Oh, what even is it?
Guys, please! Oh, here she is!
Guys, please, please... Piss off, Mick!
Can you please go back downstairs?
Because, no offence, but you're actually making me feel really sick.
We're not going anywhere.
Mick should go if anyone's doing going! Yeah, he's a killer!
ALL MURMUR
Order! Order!
We need to come to an understanding here.
These...people...
People? Yeah. People.
These people deserve a full inquiry, chaired by me.
Get to the bottom of this business.
Ha! You couldn't get to the bottom of a birdbath.
I'll have you know I have extensive experience of public inquiries.
Nice to be the one ASKING the questions, for a change. Ha-ha...
Come on, then, oiks. Come on, let's go.
Not all of you. Just your sharpest minds.
Well, that's definitely me. You go.
Do I have to come? Yeah, you have to come.
It's all about you, innit? Right, you stay here.
No, you stay. You definitely stay.
Right, you guys search for Dante.
And tell the others. I've got to clear up.
Patrick, you get the others... You find the others...
I'll begin the search. I'll search upstairs.
BOTH: I'm not taking orders from you!
What is the matter with you two this morning?
Can you just find the dog? Please.
Well...
Ah, boy.
Don't do it, mate. Whatever it is, don't do it.
HATCH CLUNKS
Oh. No, no, no, no, no...
Come on!
CROAKY: Alison!
WEAKLY: Alison!
She can't hear you.
I can't hear you.
JULIAN: Yes, here we go.
A bit more of that. It's called a Long and Strong.
And a slug of dark rum. Dark rum!
Yeah. Oh!
Oh, no! I spilt wine on him.
I've heard white wine helps.
Got it. Oh, yeah, salt helps.
Is that helping?
Maybe try white wine.
Actually, white wine's meant to be best, isn't it?
I said it first!
Nice little bath!
I said it first!
That's a good dog. You're fine.
Where are you?
Who? Who are you looking for?
Nothing. No-one. Mike.
Ah. Well, I saw him going upstairs.
No trousers on. No shoes. At this hour!
I'll tell him.
Hmm.
Oh, God...
And, Mick, is it fair to say
that these boxes of cloths and furs could have been
brought in by anyone?
No, I brought that box back when I come back from London
when I gone there. He confesses! Killer! He's just admitted to it!
Order! Order!
ALL TALK TOGETHER
Shut up a second, please!
Oh, right, you do it for her! Has anyone seen a stuffed dog?
Mick probably killed it. Gone walkies, has he?
Yeah.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks! Oh, yeah, love that one.
DANCE MUSIC
PLAYS ALONG TO MUSIC ON PIANO
Hey, stay out of my personal dance space!
You call that dancing?
You do but bounce, boy!
I bounce good!
CAPTAIN: Stop it! Stop it!
Patrick! Patrick! What on God's green Earth
do you think you're playing at, man?!
Well... I sent you down here to stop this nonsense,
and now you're joining in!
Carousing! You are a spineless little traitor!
Oh, naff off, you wazzock!
Yes!
ALL CHEER
Go out of it! You'll see. Right!
CAPTAIN: He's the wazzock...
Oh, there, there. What ails thee?
SOBBING: Alison...hates me!
SHE WAILS
Let it all out. I always feel better after little cry.
SHE SOBS
DANCE MUSIC
Have a little rest in here.
Oh.
Oh, God...!
Oh, half an hour!
Mike!
I could really do with your help down here!
WEAKLY: I could do with your help up here!
Ah. I've just checked in there.
Well, I'd like to check for myself, please, Patrick.
Fine. Fine. Checking what?
In my room?
Mice.
Yes. Robin spotted some earlier in the kitchen.
And we know you're not fond, so we thought we'd...ch-check.
# Dante!
# Dan...
# ..iel. #
Who's Daniel?
Oh, I was just doing a song about the nice names.
# Daniel, Veronica
# Clive, Annie. #
Ugh.
I already checked in there.
No-one listen to me. I don't know why I bother.
Sorry.
MUFFLED DANCE MUSIC
Oh, she sleeps now.
Look so peaceful.
SLOW SOUL MUSIC
Oh!
Right, well, he's not in there. No need to look again.
What's going on? You are. What?
CROAKS: Tony!
Tony! Tony! Tony!
Tone... No, no, no, no.
Tone... Tone... Tony! Tony!
HE SIGHS
Long way down! You know that.
Oh...
Any luck? Negative. Nothing, I'm afraid.
And you? Nuh.
I might know where he is.
Oh, thank goodness, Kitty. Where?
Oh, you can hear me now, can you? You've decided I exist again?
Oh, God. Kitty, you know that it's very difficult
when other people are around.
Actually, I think I tried to tell you that last night.
I'm so sorry, Kitty, but I can't talk right now,
because I've got guests here.
Kitty, I'm so sorry, but I can't talk right now
because I've got guests here.
Kitty, I'm so sorry, but I...
Oh! I thought you were talking to someone else called Kitty.
No.
Well, that's fine, then! Friends forever.
Great. Great.
Yes, so where's Dante?
Have you tried by the front door?
That's where he usually is.
Thank you, Kitty. You're welcome!
There's no way we're going back down there with him.
I said I was sorry. I'm really sorry.
You killed my kids, mate. I've got a boil the size of...
Look, look, look, we all have disagreements, you know,
but we move on. I'm sure you can all remember something that annoyed you
at the time, but that after a while... You know.
Yeah, like when John milked my cow without asking.
There you are. I asked your wife.
That's not good enough, though, is it? So I can't make decisions
in my own marriage? No, what I'm saying...
Walter ate my best apple. Only cos he widdled on my art.
He did do that. I saw him. Yeah.
I improved it, if anything. What?
Yeah, you can't do faces. I'm sorry, you can't do faces.
What's that got to do...?
I would have killed you if he hadn't killed you! I would've bled you.
I would have bled you out... Order! Order!
ALL TALK AT ONCE
Mike? What are you doing? She'll be here soon!
So, how goes the search?
What, for the dog or the husband?
Ha! You'd think he'd be more helpful in your hour of need.
Yeah, you'd think, wouldn't you?
I've been thinking...about what you said.
And I know nothing has changed. But everything has changed, has it not?
If we could only... Mike!
Honestly, he's probably asleep again.
Snoring, as he was last night.
What?
HE SNORES
DOOR OPENS
Thank you for walking me home.
And thank you.
It really was the merriest party this house has seen in centuries.
I shall bid you goodnight, then.
Thomas?
Yes?
If I was 400 years older...
..and you were alive...
..and we were the same age, and if I wasn't,
you know, with Mike, then...
..you and me might have...
Night.
Ah...!
Oh, my goodness. Oh, Thomas, I didn't mean to...
I was very drunk, and...
SNORING
Dante!
Oh, God.
Can we please get back to the business in hand?
You're not very good at this, are you?
Excuse me. I'm not about to take diplomacy lessons from
a diseased, unwashed...you know.
I beg your pardon? Sorry, what's that supposed to mean, "unwashed"?
I had a bath every year.
Well...you smell!
There, I said it.
That's a nasty thing to say.
Not just him. Yeah, you all do.
How dare you?! What are you saying? I mean...
Hang on, you can't take it back now! Yeah, take that back.
No, I don't want to take it back. I mean it! You smell!
You smell of dung, of caca, of poo-poo. Manure!
Yes! I don't know how I thought this could work.
None of you have got any respect.
You know, that's the problem with the common man -
he doesn't know when to shut up and listen to the voice of reason.
Oh, God, this is... Oh, God, it's really horrible.
Just stuff its head back into shape and pop its eye back in.
Yes, I know, but...
Maybe use some tissues or something. Yes, but how do I...?
Underneath the tail. Bum. Bum.
She's coming!
Quick, quick, quick. Stop, stop.
FAINT VOICES
Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper!
Oh, God.
FAINT VOICES
Shh, shh. Oh, God, he's still wet.
Stick him by the fire, he'll soon dry out.
Make haste!
Yeah, no, yeah, no.
Yeah, no...
Oh! Nice to see you. Oh, hello, you!
Hello, Fanny. How are you doing?
What's Dante doing there?
Well, I was just tidying up and I thought
that we should try him in a new spot.
Yes, he's nice there.
He used to like sitting by the fire.
ALL LAUGH NERVOUSLY
INSECTS BUZZING
Uggggh.
Oh, yeah, that'll be the pigeons, mate.
Amazing how much they produce.
SHE SIGHS
We did it.
Well, I did it.
Well, it was difficult, but my careful diplomacy
led them to a full reconciliation.
I'm not staying up here with him.
I'd rather live with Mick, and he killed my whole family.
I am sorry. That's all right, Mick.
They were lovely... Yeah, to die for.
I suppose... You know, people say things...
..sometimes you get carried away... ..they don't mean.
..and I really didn't mean to, and... Well, all I want to say is
I'm sorry... ..I'd like to forget... ..good to have you back. Thank you.
We cool?
Yeah, we be cool.
OK.
Mike, where are you?! She's here!
Oh, God.
KNOCK AT DOOR
OK, everyone, shh!
BREATHES IN DEEPLY
BREATHES OUT
Welcome to Button House...
CLATTERING
SHE GASPS
HE YELLS
Ow!
Urghhhhh!
SHE RETCHES