(BOYS CHATTER)
Good morning, patrol!
ALL: Good morning, Skipper!
Welcome to day one, activity A, and A is for archery!
- Yes! - OK.
We'll all get a chance to shoot at the targets,
but before we do, I just need to run through some do's and do nots.
There you go, Frank, pass that down.
Alexander, you take the bow. Pass it down, get used to the feel of it.
It may surprise some of you to know that most accidents happen
after the arrows have hit the target.
Boys run down the range and can easily trip up,
so safety rule number one is no...
(GASPS)
That's gone through, that. Clean through.
(PAT GASPS)
I'm panicking. Right.
(GASPS)
Who can drive?
We might need one of you to drive.
No, that's a silly idea.
Don't look at me, kids. Make a path! You don't want to see this in your dreams.
Someone call Carol, please!
You've got to go to t'New Forest next week. That's out.
(SHRIEKS)
Oh, it's cold, innit?
(GASPS)
- (ARROW CLATTERS) - (GROANS)
(STRAINS)
(SHRIEKS)
- (ENGINE STARTS) - (MUSIC BLARES)
(GEARS CRUNCH)
(CRASH!)
(HORN BLARING)
(SNORING)
Michael.
Michael...
- Mike! - (GRUNTS)
Morning, handsome.
(WHISPERS) Listen...
(EXHALES)
I can't hear anything.
Exactly.
The builders haven't arrived yet.
That pigeon isn't in here.
We're all alone.
- Oh! - Yeah.
Yeah.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
- Er... - What?
Are you sure we're alone?
- Mike, there are no ghosts in here. - It's freaking me out
- that you can see them... - Mike, Mike, Mike...
We are alone.
(BOTH GIGGLE)
(ALISON GASPS)
Ooh, yeah... Get out!
- There's one in here now, isn't there? - Yeah, just...
- (CAR HORN) - (CHATTER OUTSIDE)
(COOING AND FLUTTERING)
(GROANS)
Are we ever alone?
Castle man, he go de-da-ka, de-da-ka!
You go.
Interesting.
Erm...
Funny-hat dude, he...
Hey!
- Ohh... - (DRILL WHIRS)
- (GRUNTS) - LADY BUTTON: What's all this commotion?
(BUILDERS CHATTER)
(SHRIEKS AND SCREAMS)
Eww! Eww!
Unacceptable!
Ugh! Emergency meeting!
Now, it's clear that this new enemy, these builders,
are deep in our territory.
It's an occupation.
We shall fight on the beaches.
We shall fight...
- ...on the landing? - Yes, all right. Don't be glib.
But how do we fight? We have no rocks, no sticks,
no bears.
Bears?
(HEAVY SIGH)
Oh, yes, very good, Thomas. We'll just sigh at them.
You don't understand, do you?
- CAPTAIN: Almost certainly not. - She does not comprehend
the profundity of my feelings for her.
Thomas in big love with Kim Wilde.
Kim Wi...? Alison?
He's got the hots for Alison!
Oh, it's far more complicated than that, damn your eyes!
I am attempting to compose a poem
of such intricate beauty to reflect the way I feel.
I cannot be expected to plot with you halfwits
and work on my art!
Ooh!
You can't just appear like that, not when we're in bed.
- Were you and Mike making a baby? - Er, what? No. No.
I mean, I was hoping we'd get in a bit of practice, but...
- Practice? - You know, getting jiggy with it.
How's-your-father.
He's dead, I think.
You don't know what I'm talking about, do you?
I thought babies were made when you pressed ears together.
(LAUGHS) No! Who told you that?
My sister. How do you make a baby?
Well, OK, when a man and a woman love each other very, very much...
...or not, actually. Sometimes that can be more fun.
- Alison! - You'll have to ask one of the others.
I've gotta go. Hi, Terry. You all right, mate?
Ah! There you are. Jolly good. Now, look here.
I mean, I thought the Blitz was bad,
but your builders make the Luftwaffe look like a youth group.
No offence, Pat. We know your lot were capable of killing.
Please, not now!
- Oh. Sorry. I'll... - No, not you, Terry.
I was just talking to...Mike.
(SHOUTS) Not now, Mike!
MIKE: What?
Right.
Yes, Terry. How are you? How's it going?
Yeah, good, good. We've finally managed to make the roof watertight in the, erm...
...the back bit.
BOTH: The east wing!
The east wing. Thank you...Terry.
But we have found something else. The drainage from the east wing is cracked.
I don't know when it was put in.
1894.
1894...er, probably, between...
Now what?
- Not now! Huh! - Hmm?
What's he like, Terry?
Right. Well, it needs a lot of work to make sure it doesn't breach.
I can do you a quote on top of the old one,
which has gone up a bit, I'm afraid.
- MIKE: We don't have any more money. - ALISON: Great, great!
We'll probably just put our heads together and run some numbers up the flagpole
and just see if any of that makes any sense.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Excuse me. Excuse me. - Yep, by all means.
What are you doing? We can't just agree to more work like that.
We're burning through money quicker than
- actually burning money. - Mike, it's fine.
This is all part of being project manager.
It's a negotiation.
You get them on side, do a bit of wheeling, dealing.
You gotta be mates, if you want mate's rates.
He's coming, he's coming, he's coming. Listen, Tel, let's chat numbers later,
and in the meantime, how about a nice cup of old Rosie Lee?
Oh, yeah. No milk, four sugars.
OK... Watch out!
For the sugar, Terry!
Come on, that's too many.
- Isn't it, Mike? - Yeah.
Just checking - that was a ghost thing, right?
- Yep. - There are ghosts in here,
- which is why you went weird? - Just one there and one there.
- Yes, we're here, we're here. - Here we are.
OK. (SIGHS)
Pat, are you not well?
Hmm? Oh, no, I'm fine.
It's just that tomorrow's my death day so, you know, I always get a bit emotional...
How are babies made?
Alison, my Alison.
You are like a...
...like a...
Sorry, I appreciate it's short notice and that,
but we've just got so much rubbish to clear up.
- (MOANS SOFTLY) - I mean, loads of it. Seriously.
JULIAN: Builders are awful, aren't they?
I had a terrible time when I was extending the Bramptons back in '86.
It's a modest Oxfordshire pile. 11 bedrooms, tennis courts, wet room,
- blah blah, blah blah. - Sounds frightfully expensive.
Oh, no, I didn't pay for it, no. I ran it through MPs' expenses.
The great British taxpayer covered it.
Wonderful idiots! Now, where was I?
Oh, yes, builders. Well, I mean, they're all thieves, aren't they?
Tinkers to a man.
All the noise, the football chat, the potty banter.
Ooh! Wait a minute, that's it!
What's what?
All we have to do is watch these builders closely
until they commit some sort of misdemeanour, report it to Alison...
And she'll send them away with a flea in their ear.
- Yes! - Let's get organised.
I have flea in ear.
But you're dead.
So is flea.
I also have worms.
Ugh.
Ah! There's two in here.
A proper pair of oiks.
This'll be like shooting fish in a barrel.
Which I did for real once.
Party Conference, Bournemouth. Great fun.
I might sneak off a bit earlier today, Wixy.
- This is going to be easy. - WIXY: Shouldn't be a problem.
- Where are you off to? - To get back to that community project.
WIXY: Oh, yeah, the kids' playground at the hospital.
Well, I mean, there's being nice, that's one thing,
but that's just weird nice.
All right. There's plenty more where they came from. Come along.
Ohh! Pat!
(SIGHS)
You all right?
Tomorrow's my death day.
- Oh! Happy...death day. - Hmm.
I'm really sorry, Pat. I've actually never asked you -
how did you die, exactly?
Sorry, no. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I just wanted to lighten the mood, and it hasn't worked. Sorry.
- That must be really hard for you. - Yeah, it is, yeah.
But on the plus side, I get to see my family, so...
Oh! What? What?
Every year, they come to pay their respects.
They'll be here tomorrow, over there.
- Oh... - Yeah.
It used to be a tree, but it blew down in the great storm of 1987.
People say it was a storm, but it was a hurricane, Alison.
That'll be nice, to see your family.
And I thought, "Wouldn't it be great to pass on a message to them?"
Oh, no, Pat. I don't think that's such a great idea.
Oh, it is! I could let Carol know that I was OK.
The whole family come! Daley, he's my son, and his girlfriend, they'll be there,
and Carol's husband Maurice.
She remarried?
It's fine.
I'm very happy for them.
Maurice was actually my best mate,
so it was really lovely when he married Carol.
He was always such a support to her, even before I died.
- Hmm. - He was always round.
He had his own set of keys.
I remember one Sunday, I came back from camp
and I found all his clothes in the hallway.
Everything - his socks, his knickers, they were all strewn up the stairs.
Oh, no.
Mmm.
Yeah.
- Oh, no. - Oh, no.
(HOWLS) Carol!
Anyone dead in here?
Ow!
- (SHE TUTS) - (WATER RUNS)
Don't worry, it's only a matter of time. Builders are born to hustle.
It's in their DNA. Oh, hang on a minute. Ah, there we are!
- That's perfect. - Here he comes!
- Our work here is done. - (BOTH CHUCKLE)
- Oi, Mike! - Yeah?
What?
- You dropped your wallet, mate. - You've got to be joking.
- Damnation! - Tough nuts to crack, this lot.
Reminds me of Monty in the desert in '42.
- Oh, yeah? - Totally hemmed in.
- Interesting. - But he persisted.
Oh, this is happening now.
- Where are you off to? - I'm going to the pub.
Mike, it's barely midday.
Yeah, well, sometimes, you know, a guy just wants to...
You're doing a Glastonbury, aren't you?
OK. So I admit I have some issues.
Mike, you left the festival to go for a poo.
Not just the campsite, the entire festival.
So I need poo space. It's hard enough when people are close by,
let alone when there might be ghosts in there with me.
You've got this covered, though, yeah?
- Project manager? - Yeah.
- Get us that deal! - Sure.
They're not watching you!
- I am! - Oh, my God!
Stop sneaking up on me!
(MUG SMASHES)
- (ALISON GASPS) - (MARY GIGGLES)
Hello, Terry.
Can I get you a tea?
No, you're all right.
Oh, Alison...
My Alison...
You are like...
You are like a...
- Garrison? - African?
- I say tarragon. - Hexagon?
- Algorithm? - Or hessian?
A marathon.
Please, will you hush?!
I cannot hear myself think!
(GHOSTS MURMUR)
You know nothing of poetry!
There he goes.
Talisman?
- Oh, that's brilliant. - I said that.
- No, you didn't. - I said that five minutes ago.
- No, you didn't. - I didn't hear you say that.
- Well, I did. - I thought of it myself, anyway.
You want to know how babies are made, Kitty?
Well, the bees, you see, like men, visit the flowers.
Some bees like just one type of flower,
though it turns out not your flower,
cos your flower just isn't good enough, so there you are, on display,
waiting for the big, strong bee with his big pollen sacs underneath him,
and he goes to a different flower,
and sometimes, Kitty, the bee only likes other bees,
and you think, "Well, why have you chosen that bee and not my flower?"
But they don't care, you see? They just buzz around and ignore you!
(SIGHS)
JULIAN: That's fascinating...
(LAUGHTER)
Er, look...
- (SCREECHING ON PHONE) - Monkey.
- Oh, no, no, I mean... - It's good fun.
- Oh, good Lord. I mean, that's just... - What's all that racket?
Ah, now, Fanny, I insist, you really do not want to see this.
It really isn't something you should be looking at...
LADY BUTTON: How on earth are they both doing that?
Absolutely...
Do you know what, Fanny? I-I-I think you should go
and report this to Alison straight away.
- Yes... Yes! - (MONKEYS SCREECH)
- It's shocking behaviour. - You're absolutely right.
(MONKEYS SCREECH)
LADY BUTTON: Alison! Alison! Alison!
- Right, then, drainage issue. - Yeah. Yeah, well, that's a tricky one.
- I have never been so outraged... - There's no two ways about it.
- ...in all my life! - The big issue is finding where to dig.
Those builders have been watching some grotesquery on their magic lanterns.
We need to get the old ground radar in...
- Two monkeys doing unspeakable things! - It's going to be expensive...
Oh, the video!
Well, it's more like an ultrasound, but it does have a screen on it, yeah.
Sorry, Terry, I was actually just thinking about that, um, that YouTube video,
- in the safari park... - That's the one.
- ...with the monkeys. - Yes.
- Have you seen it? - Yeah, yeah, I have, yeah,
- It's pretty funny, yeah. - It is funny, actually.
A real Button wouldn't stand for this sort of behaviour!
Well, could you not watch it, please, Terry,
because, um, it's not acceptable behaviour?
- Not in this house. - Not in this house.
- Filthy. Dirty. - Filth...
Right, well, why don't we have this chat tomorrow, yeah?
Oh, sorry, Terry I...yeah.
It's OK, Alison, I've changed my mind.
- I don't want you to talk to my wife. - Right. Good.
I want you to kill her.
- You what? - Well, don't you see?
With any luck, she'll become a ghost, like me,
and we can be together for ever and ever.
Great, great, yeah.
So, shall I push her in the lake or, ooh, take her up to the roof
and just throw her off?
Either's fine - just don't mark her face.
Of course I'm not going to kill your wife, Pat!
It's a terrible idea!
I'm so sorry.
What have I become?
I'm a monster!
I'm a monster man!
(SIGHS GENTLY)
(SIGHING)
Do you mock me, sir? This is my sighing place.
Hey!
Pat not feel good today.
Is death day tomorrow.
Family come.
No, fine! I wasn't trying to work or anything.
Let's make an evening of it.
Bring wine!
And figs!
I actually don't know if I want them to come any more.
I hate to be the one to tell you this, Patrick,
but eventually no-one will come.
That's just the way of it.
What Thomas try to say is...
...you die...
...time pass, everything change.
Family not come any more.
Is pain,
but you heal.
You remember them here.
And maybe, one day,
you find new family.
- Who fancies a pint, then? - I'm gasping. You're buying, though.
Wait up, guys!
- Ohh. He stinks. - He does a bit.
Hmm.
Only real issue is core strength. That's known as a Norwegian picnic -
you won't make many babies that way,
but it sure is a lot of fun. A lot of fun!
A Himalayan campsite is an altogether more complicated position,
involving four people and a rope swing.
Now, the key to that is good ballast...
ALISON: Morning! Little treat for my favourite builders! Oink-oink!
- Bacon roll? - Oh, yeah, lovely, thank you.
- Cheers! - Have a lovely day.
- Cheers! - Thank you. Have a lovely day.
MIKE: Mmm!
- Mmm! What's with the bag? - Gym.
The pub figured me out pretty quickly, so...
Why don't you have a spa break while you're at it?
Mike, we can't afford to be joining gyms.
It's a trial day. It's free.
How are you getting on with the wheeling and dealing?
- Good, actually. - Well, I've got to go.
I've actually really got to go.
- Morning. - Morning!
Morning, Terry!
- How are you? - Yeah, fine.
Just wondering if we could have a chat about the drainage issue
and see if we can come to some sort of arrangement.
Yeah, yeah, we'll find time for that.
Look, we're going to finish off that internal lattice-work today
so I need you to take those curtains down.
Can do, Terry. And I've got some bacon rolls going, if you fancy one.
No, I'm vegan.
Of course you are.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh, God!
(CHUCKLES)
Morning!
Hey, guys. Wixy!
- (MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO) - (BUILDERS CHATTER)
# We walk together hand in hand
# I'm dreaming
# You fell in love with me
# Like I'm in love with you
# But dreaming's all I do
# If only they'd come true
- # I should be so lucky - (SINGS ALONG SOFTLY)
# Lucky, lucky, lucky... #
Ohh...
Ah!
Look at that! This could be our chance!
We'll need help. Fetch Mary!
(SINGS SOFTLY)
MARY: Don't push me, you cack-faced turnips.
- Come quickly! - (GASPS)
'Tis the Devil's work!
- (SIGHS) - He is amongst us.
- Quick! - The Devil?
What are you talking about?
Right, quick as you like!
- Right, here we go. - Come on, be quick.
All right. Don't pressure me, don't pressure me.
- Go on! You know what to do. Push. Push! - (STRAINS)
Come on.
What? What is it?
Oh, I just thoughts I saw a swan.
What?
When we used to see a swan in our village, that was the Devil at play.
Well, nowadays that just means that there's a swan.
Oh, right.
Look, there's loads of swans.
Then the Devil is busy.
- (STRAINS) - Come on, man! Come on.
Push it!
- Yes! - I've got it.
- It's in! Well done, Jul... - Oh, here we go, here we go.
Oh, good Lord, he's actually going to take it.
He's taking the box, he's taking the box!
BOTH: Yes!
That one be Lucifer's lackey, for sure.
No, wait, I also saw a goose!
- A couple of chaps in the library... - Hi.
- Hello there. - Just a couple of chaps in the library.
Er, everything all right with you?
No! No, I've lost my engagement ring.
- Oh, no. - Oh, no!
Oh, dear. Listen, we don't want to be a couple of telltale-tits,
- but... - Julian, er, saw...
Yes, I saw one of the builders heading out of the east wing just moments ago
- looking très, très shifty. - Which one?
The handsome one.
Erm, the...chap with the arms. Very strong.
- Probably. - What?
Thanks.
I'm actually pretty gobsmacked that you think it might've been one of us.
Please, I just need you to open your bags so I can check.
LADY BUTTON: Come on! Empty your pockets, riffraff!
All right.
There you go.
- What-ho. - Oh, dear.
- Sticky fingers! - Hmm.
Is this it!?
(MARY WAILS SOFTLY)
I'm so sorry. I didn't even know it was in there.
I didn't take it, honest.
- Likely story. - Chinny reckon.
It could have been knocked off the workbench!
You are so right.
Yep.
And I'm...I'm so sorry.
It's a bit late for that, Alison.
Today is going to be our last day.
- Get in it! - No, please don't go.
Look, it's not my fault.
I've been under a lot of stress lately, and...
Would it help if I told you that this house is haunted
and I am being plagued by ghosts who are making my life a misery?
Not really, no.
Ooh! A carriage! Someone's coming!
Carol!
OK. You win. What do you want me to say to them?
I've had a think, Alison,
and I've decided it's best you don't say anything.
I don't want them to worry about me.
Let them get on with their lives, and I'll get on with my...
...death.
See you, then, mate. Sorry it didn't work out.
What? You're leaving?
Yeah, it all got a bit...you know.
So, Pat, I did talk to them,
but I didn't tell them about you.
I asked about them.
I figured you might like to know that your son Daley is an accountant.
He's very happy.
Carol's busy with the bowls club, and Maurice is very sweet too.
But unbelievably small.
Thank you.
Oh, and they called him Pat.
Your grandson.
(BABY CRIES)
(CALLS) He's got my legs!
Guys, I've got a grandson, and his name's Pat.
I'm so proud I could burst!
(PAT PANTS)
Guys, this is it!
I feel great. I think I'm moving on!
I can see light. Can you see the light?
You were all my family, in a way, and I loved you all,
apart from Julian, who I didn't really trust,
and, Lady Button, you need to chill out, just relax, OK?
And, Captain, the war's over, man. It's over...
- And... - That's it, then, Wixy.
- Yeah. - We'll come back for the rest.
Ah, this is awkward.
No...
Bye, Wixy.
Bye, Kevin.
Bye, lunchbox.
A baby. That's nice.
Still not quite sure how they're made.
Oh, erm...
- And... - (MONKEYS SCREECH)
Really?
- Do they love each other? - I hope so.
Terry just said they were leaving. What's going on?
The charm offensive became...offensive.
So, no deal on the drainage?
Well, it's held out this long.
- It's not as if... - (SPLASHING)
Oh, no.
Huh!
- Alison... - Agh!
Please stop doing that!
I was blocked,
but that has passed.
I have composed a poem to express my feelings.
"Sure, Alison, we'll respect your boundaries. It's bedtime.
"We'll probably stay out of your room."
I'm dreaming that you're in love with me
Like I'm in love with you
But dreaming's all I do
If only they'd come true
I should be so lucky
Lucky, lucky, lucky
BOTH: I should be so lucky
ALISON: In love?
What magic is this? Our minds are entwined.
How do you know my verse?
I hate to tell you this, but that is Kylie Minogue.
What is a Kylie Minogue?
She's an Australian singer,
and that's one of her songs.
I think you might have heard it on the radio.
It's catchy, isn't it?
(GASPS) What have I done?
Please send correspondence to Miss Minogue,
apologising in the sincerest possible terms for stealing her beautiful words.
The shame is almost too much to bear!
What have I done?!
(ALISON LAUGHS)
What's so funny?
Oh... No, it doesn't matter.
Oh, I'm sorry I didn't help you with the drains.
Never mind those ghosts, I think this house
- is going to finish us off! - No.
We'll figure it out. Or rob a bank.
And you know what?
I won't let them get to me, either.
Ooh, the full monty.
Yeah!
Here I am. Huh?
Come on! I'm not afraid of you!
Hah! Get a good look!
I don't care. Watch it!
Yeah, not scaring me. I'm not...
(IN THE DISTANCE) ...scared!
(OWL HOOTS)
- (CLUNK) - What was that?
It's probably nothing.