(WIND HOWLS)
(WATER DRIPS)
(DOOR CREAKS)
(LABOURED BREATHING)
It won't be long now.
She had a tremendous innings.
At least she's comfortable.
Yeah, there are worse ways to go.
- Well, this is it.
- You can say that again.
- Shh! I think it's happening.
Stand by.
Shh!
(ALL GASP)
- I think she's going.
Tenner says she stays.
Deal.
I can't see anything.
Argh! (THUD!)
Oh, not this again.
Who are you?
I am the ghost of your
We are those poor spirits who dwell on,
Ah, she's gone.
- Lucky cow.
What's going on?
- You owe me ten.
- to what I actually said...
- Guys, if you please!
Perhaps one of us
Yes, I'll do it.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Bagsy her room.
- Oh, she's only just died.
Well, I'll wait until they've taken
She was the last Button
The final Button died today
Though where she goes,
Oh, he's off again.
- It seems but only yesterday...
- Don't go without me. Oh, stupid body.
'Twas like...a play
But with no children of her own
Who then will come to call this home?
ALISON: Well, it's bigger than the place
- And it's slightly over budget, but...
No, but the downstairs flat's got one
So...
- Yeah?
- (PHONE RINGS)
Hello, Clasey Hughes Estate.
- Nice view of the street.
BOTH: "Buddy's Fish 'n' Pizza."
Well, we do like both those things.
Hmm.
- It's rubbish, isn't it?
- It's so bad.
- Sorry.
I wouldn't want to live here either.
(PHONE RINGS)
- Hello?
- Speaking.
We're only looking at flats.
No, this one's not for sale.
Then why are you calling?
God, I hate estate agents.
Apart from the good ones like you.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yep?
Sorry, I think we've got off
I'm a solicitor at Worthing,
- (THUD!)
that you have in fact inherited a house.
Hello?
That's you in the corner there.
So she was like my step-great auntie?
There's no real term for what you are,
but she sadly had no direct relatives
I feel like
I put a pussy willow
and he tried to get it out
He had to go to the doctor's.
It wasn't A&E or anything,
He's fine now.
These look nice.
That's potpourri.
(CRUNCH!)
- Was she old?
Oh, so close.
And there she is.
Lady Heather Button.
The Buttons go back a long way.
Lady?
Does that mean I'm a lady?
OK, I know I'm a lady,
- ALISON: Like Lady Gaga. No, no...
(ALISON CHUCKLES)
As a matter of fact, it is. Button House.
- No.
Now, obviously, it can take several years
(SOLICITOR'S VOICE FADES,
...luxury hotel chains,
I mean, she lived on her own...
- What if we keep it?
The house is in a state of some disrepair.
We were looking for
and I retiled the bit behind the sink
- The splashback?
I'm not sure this falls into the category
You should at least
I just feel like it would be better
I think, actually, that's what she
- Aunt Helen.
- Heather.
for some hotel chain,
- We could give up our jobs.
- We could do this full-time.
Can we keep it if we want to?
Well, it is your house.
(SLAM!) Sorry.
Ah, look what the cat's dragged in.
Down here. You're warm.
Warmer.
Yeah, you're boiling.
No. Cold...
Getting... Agh!
Down here! You deaf...
Well, I've got the ears, haven't I?
Er...
- Little guy...
Prawn...go dooka-dooka.
- But that's...
(SIGHS) Fine. Best of 20.
- Oh, come on.
Ideally, you want it
This one's going to have mud on it,
This is the tip.
We insert the tip into the split.
ALL: Into the slath.
Yeah.
Thence repeat the process
Great. Lovely talk of the day
I think I can safely say if we had any
we could all make
Maybe next week, please, we'd all be
The witch trial. Huh?
It's too soon?
When you're ready. (CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh, dear.
all about the first time she ate an egg.
- I actually didn't like it.
Well, save it for tomorrow, please.
And then on Wednesday, Julian
Yes, my by-election victory speech, '91.
Very inspiring, very long
- Oh, God, spare me.
Pat, sit down.
Right, AOB? Any other business?
Well, I have got something, actually.
I've been woken every night by you,
Well, I don't think I do!
(PIERCING SCREAM)
(THUD!)
- I always thought that was an owl.
Do you know what an owl sounds like?
- Well, now I don't think so.
Look, look, this is my house
It was mine first.
- No, that's the land, not the house.
Well, I wish you would all hush.
- with all this agitation.
You haven't done a day's work
- Oh!
- Pfft!
Oh, he can't still be ahead of his time,
Guys, please!
Why don't you just go back
I don't see why I should.
I wanted the garden view.
The garden view comes with
You get used to it after 100 years.
(ALL TALK AT ONCE)
- Let's be serious here.
- (OVERLAPPING SPEECH)
It's simple. You swap rooms, eh?
You go up top.
You come ground floor and no jumpy.
Right. Well, that would suit me, I think.
Yeah, that could work.
- Not just a pretty face.
(OWL HOOTS)
Hmm. Yeah.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Hup! Ah.
Ah, splendid!
(CLOCK CHIMES)
Fanny?
What is it, Fanny?
George?
(PIERCING SCREAM)
Oh, for heaven's sake.
(BONES CRUNCH)
Throw yourself out of
# I'm bringing sexy back, yeah... #
(BOTH MUMBLE LYRICS)
# Ohh! Ow-oh!
# My life has been
I always get the timing wrong
- MIKE: Hang on, hang on.
I think this is it.
Oh, my God.
My heart.
Yeah?
It's so strange. I...
I feel like I know the place already.
This track.
Every tree.
It's like I've been here my whole life.
Like it's...
...home.
- This is the wrong one.
- This really is beyond the pale!
You entered my room, you said, "George",
Well, look, I don't even realise
Perhaps there's some
why you feel like you have to re-enact...
Maybe try jumping out of
- Get it out of the way.
- It's the screaming that's annoying.
Keep the jumping, but do it silently.
Staying hush whilst falling from a height?
Look, perhaps I scream because...
..and I've never told anyone this,
It's quite all right. We shan't pry.
It's just that the night
No, look, no screaming. That's all I ask.
Oh! Argh! Eeh!
Box. Move. Got wheel.
Vroom!
- That's a motorcar.
Wow! It's like a blooming spaceship.
Poor creatures must be lost.
(# KIM WILDE: Kids In America)
It's Kim Wilde.
Let me pluck out my eyes,
Yes, he'd make a very fine soldier.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Wow!
(ALISON CHUCKLES)
Oh!
Oh, my...
This is 100% the most incredible moment
And it's all ours.
What did that girl just say?
She must be related to you.
Like a niece, a great-great-great...
No, no, no, no.
Look at her. She's exposing her knees,
So this is the library.
Does that mean we have to
Philistine.
Well, it'll be nice to have
There's enough faces already.
We'd have to fix up all the plasterwork.
Hmm. But need fix architrave.
Oh, yeah.
We could do every room
- in a different style.
Over my dead body!
- Wait, you...
Ye olde-worlde.
- 1950s.
- Club Tropicana.
- Wow.
Well, they seem really nice.
- Let's give them a chance.
- Look at that.
- What is that?
Oh, I hate it when that happens.
That's a lake.
Well, there's only two of them.
This is going to make
(GHOSTS GASP)
What is hotel?
Well, Robin, a hotel is...
- Kill them.
If we all approve the use of force
- you know, not live any more.
- That's completely immoral.
And if we do kill them, we could be
Would that so bad?
She's married, Thomas. Look at them.
Why must I always be spurned?
PAT: Couldn't we all just
I'd rather kill them.
- Kill them.
- But that's a crime.
We'll hang!
(PIERCING SCREAM)
- (THUD!)
Well, we could always try...
...haunting.
- We're ghosts.
Your tea, milady.
Thank you, Jeeves.
- Taste all right?
I couldn't get any water in the kitchen
so I ended up using the garden tap,
and then there's no electric
so I found a plug
I don't know if the water's drinkable,
(PIGEON COOS)
I love the sound of the country.
(COOING CONTINUES)
It's in the room.
Oh, yeah.
It must be nesting somewhere.
Right, what's first?
The pipes? Electrics?
Probably get the bird out the room.
Yeah.
Come on, then, pidgey-bigdey-bigdey!
Gah! Agh!
Now then, let's have a look at some
Now, we all know that Robin
- Will you please, Robin?
- Heugh!
- Very good.
- Yes, Mary?
- they smells burnings.
- None of those are plural, but...
- When I was alive...
...it was rumoured a little plague girl
could oft be heard singing in the pantry.
# Ring a ring o' roses
# A pocketful of posies
# Atishoo
# We all fall down. #
(CAPTAIN EXHALES SHARPLY)
People find it scary, apparently.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Can't think why.
- Ahem.
we're all aware
- Oh, please.
- Come on.
All right, all right,
All right. Just..
- Ahem.
Oh! Hold on.
(JULIAN EXCLAIMS)
Argh!
Here we go.
(STRAINS)
Extraordinary!
I've only tried it on cups, but, you know.
Excellent. Well, with my leadership
(NERVOUS GASP)
...I believe we have everything we need to
(ALISON SCREAMS)
The water's gone cold!
It's so cold! Mike!
Oh, God.
Thomas?
What?! I wasn't looking, and anyway,
All right, mate. Is she coming out?
Yes, I think she is.
- She's coming out!
Stand to, everybody. Prepare for action.
Good luck, everyone. And remember,
- Finished?
Hot water's stopped.
Go for Robin.
- (ELECTRICITY FIZZES)
Agh!
Man down. Right, cue Jemima.
- # Ring a ring o' roses... #
MIKE: Yes! Got the speakers hooked up.
- Well, that's the main thing.
- I think your toast is burning.
- All on you now, Julian.
- Push it!
- Come on, Julian! Push it!
(ALL SHOUT)
(SHOUTING CONTINUES)
- (VASE SCRAPES SLIGHTLY)
- Dammit!
You know, it's much bigger than a cup,
- Haunting's hard, isn't it?
Guys?
MIKE: Right, well,
(CREAKING)
...there?
(SWITCH CLICKS)
After you.
(ALISON SIGHS)
Sing something,
# Don't be scared
- # I'm not scared... #
There's another switch here.
- (SWITCH CLICKS)
I can fix this.
What? Are you joking?
- Who are they?
Look it up on YouTube.
Mike, not everything can be learned
You'd be surprised. I found a guide
Yeah, but that's not...
- What, an actual eagle?
- Why would you need to know that?
So cool.
- Erm...
- Do you even know what that does?
GHOSTS: It's the valve
- GHOSTS: Hey! Woo!
No, you haven't.
- Do you think we need a new one?
- Get rid of old Betty?
Let's see what the surveyor says
- Mmm.
Er...
- Ready?
Ready.
(GHOSTS MURMUR IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
- I wasn't ready.
Yeah, come back soon!
Oh, they can't hear me, can they?
MIKE: They're not warming up down here.
Give me a sec.
(VALVE SQUEAKS)
(PIGEON COOS)
There you are.
Hello!
We'll be overrun with people!
Taunting us with their life!
No, we'll just try again.
If at first you don't succeed...
Precisely. That's right.
Hit them when they're vulnerable.
We may have lost the battle,
(COOING CONTINUES)
(PIERCING SCREAM, THUMP)
Fanny's early.
- Er, I'm right here.
Agh! Is Kim Wilde!
MIKE: Alison! Alison!
(MUFFLED) Alison! Alison! Alison!
Look at me. Look at me.
Alison, I'm here. Can you hear me? Yeah?
Alison, I'm here. I'm here.
(SIREN BLARES)
(JULIAN STAMMERS)
- L-L-Let me be absolutely clear.
Well, now, the thing you have
- is this...
- but it's rather a yes or no question.
I took a decision to...to...
Pushy or no pushy?
Well, you know, Robin, let me ask you
Answer the question, damn your eyes!
With respect, Thomas, I'm trying to answer
Now, look here. A sacrifice was made
We wanted her out of the house, didn't we?
This has either killed her
FANNY: You don't just do that to someone.
What kind of coward would
Now, steady on, Fanny.
No, no, I won't, because I was pushed.
You hear me? I was pushed.
And I have never told a soul.
It was my husband, George.
- I caught him 'pon the groundskeeper...
...with the butler 'pon him.
- Oh!
A man-wich.
It's actually known as
- Guys!
with his sordid little secret,
But he was wrong, wasn't he?
Because I have kept it, haven't I?
(ALL MURMUR)
Until now. Until now.
- Oh!
I watched all of that.
- So did I.
- I wish I had watched it.
That must have been a terrible
Perhaps now that you've shared it...
...you'll be free of your nightly terrors.
Oh, do you suppose so?
I'm sure of it.
- Oh.
(PIERCING SCREAM)
CAPTAIN: Fanny!
You see, Pat, what did I tell you?
It was silly of me to suggest it, really.
Lesson learnt. What shall we do?
I don't know. I'm not going to spend
at the same time every night.
- It's worth a try.
(GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
(GRUNTING CONTINUES)
(CLOCK CHIMES)
(PIERCING SCREAM)
- (CAPTAIN YAWNS) Much better.
- ROBIN: Mornies!
- THOMAS: Good day.
back to normal round here.
(TOILET FLUSHES)
- Shift over.
I'm so tired.
- Poor you.
You've been asleep for two weeks.
It's called a coma.
- Induced coma.
- Agh!
Yeah.
I'm glad you didn't die.
Well, technically I did, for a bit.
Did I dream that house?
I feel like I dreamt it all.
Oh!
Have you had the survey back?
No. No, not yet.
Hmm.
Now, have her face the right way,
there, not the end for looking
You want to take this finger
gently but quickly, and that
- Good Lord!
So, you can check then
not beige and lumpy.
Oh, my goodness. They're coming back!
What?
Right, so you know how I said
Oh, God. Oh, what did it say?
How does she seem? Is it she OK?
I don't know, they're not getting
- Well, there's good news and bad news.
OK, OK. Well... Give me the good news...
The bad news is that
like, big structural stuff -
plumbing, electrics.
without a huge amount of cash
- OK. Yeah...
- What?
Some loans. Paid some deposits.
Why didn't you tell me?
Because I didn't want you to worry.
I'm going to do everything I can
(CAR HORN BEEPS)
Oh, they're already here. Come on, then.
Hey. All right, mate.
- How you doing?
So, we're going to inspect the site,
Everyone has to wear
Insurance reasons, mainly,
- Cool.
Exciting, isn't it?
Huh? Why don't you go and have
You should be wearing a hard hat.
Button House
What will become of us?
Oh, she spoke to me!
- She spoke to me!
What the devil are you talking about?
Oh, there you are.
I thought you were getting some rest.
No turning back now.
- What if we made a mistake?
What if this was a bad idea
Don't say that. This is a great idea.
It's going to take a lot of work,
Mike!
You're terrified, and I get it.
Mike!
I get it. I'm scared too.
This house and what we're doing,
and who knows what we're going to
But, in the end, we've got each other.
It's just us and this big old house.
There's nothing to be scared of, is there?
(GASPS AND SCREAMS)