KITTY: What should I say? ALISON: I don't know.
Whatever you like. Hello, Bumpy. I'm Katherine.
Who's your favourite Spice Girl? Over.
GIGGLES
TV ON Shh! Trying to listen to this!
What, the business news?
Yeah. I like to keep an eye on the markets.
Track my investments.
You don't have any investments, Julian.
You're dead. For your information,
I've just added an exciting new fund to my portfolio.
Oh. I set him up an account, and I put in a fiver.
And it's already up to £5.73.
That's a 15% yield. Yeah.
"King Midas", they used to call me
because everything I touched turned to...
TV: ..fundamental downturn...
Oh, damn and blast! Switch it off, Alison.
TV: Let's go over to Rachel for today's...
ROBIN AND PAT OBJECT We don't want to miss...
What? But you can't even feel the heat.
Or the cold. Or...anything.
BOTH: Shh!
FORECAST CONTINUES
So, as I was saying, Melanie B is the first...
YELPS
RETCHES
I just saw the baby. Yeah, well, that's where it lives.
No, I mean, I saw everything.
Even...
Oh, Alison, you're having...
No, no, no. No. We don't want to know the sex!
No, no, no, no, no. PAT: Do you mind?
We're trying to watch this.
FORECAST CONTINUES
PAT SIGHS
Mm. Mm-mm.
PHONE RINGS Oh...
Hello.
ON PHONE: Mr Cooper.
Charles Worthing here, Worthing, Cole and...
Yeah. Yeah. Charlie, hi.
Have you heard from the golf guys?
I just got off the phone with them,
and there's good news and there's bad news.
OK. Um... What's the good news?
The consortium have pulled the offer.
You're kidding me? What the hell is the bad news?!
No, I... I'm sorry.
I thought you'd ask for the bad news first,
so I've written it down in that order.
The good news, bad news format was a mistake.
OK. So what's the good news?
Basically, your bar idea got them thinking.
They no longer just want a course.
They're now proposing a full-scale golf resort -
bar, hotel, health spa, the works.
Oh, my G...
Alison!
Alison.
Alison!
So, what does that mean for us?
They want it all, Michael - to buy the house
AND grounds in its entirety.
Buy them...?
What?!
Guys...!
PAT SIGHS She's just so...
ON TV: Rather gusty here.
BOTH: ..professional.
Yeah.
TV: ..humidity, which means there'll be pressure building
between two fronts.
RUNNING FOOTSTEPS We can see more clouds...
FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING
HUMPHREY: How many times?!
Easy on the stairs!
You're kidding. You're kidding.
No. No.
BOTH: Well, what did he say, exactly?
Just that. They want the grounds for the golf course
and the house for the hotel and bar. So, a complete buyout.
How much? I don't know.
He said they're just gauging interest in principle for now,
but he reckons it'll be a substantial offer.
Like - big money.
Pay off our debts.
Give us a little nest egg.
This could solve all of our problems.
Yeah...
Oh, God, this is not going to be an easy...
OK. Whatever you do, do not let the ghosts...
WHISPERING: ..get wind of this. Oh, yeah, I know. I'm not an idiot.
GHOSTS ALL YAMMER AT ONCE
They're here, aren't they?
Mm-hm. They know, don't they?
I told them, didn't I?
All right, guys. Guys, guys, guys... Hey!
We've... We've barely had any time to take this in ourselves,
let alone make a decision.
I mean, obviously, we have to have a conversation...
GHOSTS ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
I meant... I meant a conversation with Mike.
Right. Well, Mike's involved...
Without you.
PAT SIGHS
ALISON SIGHS
Let's go for a walk.
How could she even consider such a thing?
This is Button House.
It needs to stay in the family!
Family, family, family!
Yeah!
Although, to be fair, also money, money, money.
BOTH: ABBA!
Could she really leave me?
I mean, us.
KITTY: No! Not on my watch!
I'm going to make her love me so much that she never leaves.
I'll be extra kind and nice and sweet and caring,
and I won't put my head in her belly.
Kitty's right.
Excluding the last bit.
Now, if we want her to stay, we have to make staying
seem like the most attractive option.
OTHERS AGREE
Operation...
..Be Really, Really Nice.
Walk to where? I don't know.
Just get out the house.
Mm-hm. Away from all the...
Yeah. Yeah.
Just weigh up the pros and cons quietly, without all the drama.
SOBBING: She left me.
Oh...
OBI SOBS MIKE SIGHS
OBI SOBS
Come on, mate.
We'd just gone halves on a sandwich toaster...!
CONTINUES SOBBING
Hi, Alison.
GASPS It's me, Kitty.
Yeah, I know.
If this is about the house, we...
Oh, that? No, no. I've forgotten all about that.
No, I wanted to assure you, as a friend,
as your best friend,
that the secret's safe with me.
You know, about the baby's sex.
Oh. I won't tell a soul.
And believe me, I can keep a secret.
I've kept some for hundreds of years.
Even some really juicy ones,
like the one about my friend Josephine.
Oooh, the one who poisoned the mayor's cat?
How could you know that?
Because you told me, Kitty.
Oh, right.
Well, this will be different.
One of those real never-tell-a-soul secrets,
like that Robin and Mary thing.
What Robin and Mary thing?
Oh, nothing. Nothing. W...
HEELS CLICKING
Mm.
Kitty, did you find...?
I don't know any secrets!
SOBBING
I know that sob.
Heartbreak.
I thought things were going well with you and, uh...
Brenda. ..Brenda. Yeah.
So did I.
Then, today, out of the blue,
she just sends me this text - "This isn't working."
Out of nowhere.
A text? Mm-hm.
That's cold. She didn't say why?
Just that it's been weird for ages,
and she needed something new.
SNIFFLES
Like someone else?
Oh, God...!
The cousin. It'll be the cousin.
OK. You need some answers.
Call her.
I've tried. She won't pick up.
Just have some rest, yeah? You look tired.
Yeah.
WHIMPERS AND MUMBLES
What?
He thought she understood him. I thought she understood me.
I know, mate.
OBI GASPS
OBI SOBS
There, there. It's all right.
The first 100 years are the worst.
Actually, the next 100 are quite bad, too.
How's he doing?
Yeah, not great. I think he's going to have a nap,
so maybe we could sneak off for a minute. Have that chat?
PHONE CHIMES
OBI WAILS Why?!
ALISON SIGHS
I should probably... I'll tell you what -
why don't we both make a list, the pros and cons of staying,
then compare them later? OK. Great idea.
SOBS CONTINUE
I mean, yes, it's distressing,
but you haven't been shot in the stomach.
What has she said now?
Slightly less than the melodrama would have you believe.
Jeez, Louise! Can we please have less sneaking up
on the pregnant woman? Yes. Sorry. Of course.
Anything I can do to help.
In fact, that's why I'm here, actually.
Just to say, if there's anything I can do to help,
to help you in any way, you only need ask. Anything.
You know, not chores, obviously, or anything manual.
You know? No lifting or carrying
or anything that involves physical contact of any kind.
LAUGHS But that aside...anything.
Anything. Well...
Yeah. Well, that pretty much counts out everything
that might be helpful to a heavily pregnant woman.
So, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No.
Yeah.
ROBIN CHUCKLES
Real smooth!
What's it to you?
I don't know. What is, what is it to me to you?
What? What?
I know what this is about. What?
It's Rachel, isn't it?
Off the weather.
You're jealous. Jealous?
ROBIN SCOFFS
That's right.
You know that a sophisticated lady like Rachel
would never be interested in an old fossil like you,
and it's eating you up inside.
She'd want a modern man.
A rad dude, drives a Datsun, eats Caramac.
Maybe.
Or maybe she prefers someone a little more rugged.
Huh? You know, rough around the edges.
A bad boy.
PAT GASPS
Not some goody-goody-two-shoe with your little shorts
and your tiny toggle.
It's a woggle!
As you would know, if you had one iota of intelligence.
Ohh! You see, it requires a certain degree of intellect to communicate
on a level with someone like Rachel,
with her southern oscillation and her tightly packed isobars!
And with the best will in the world, Robin,
you're not exactly the sharpest tool in...
The square of the hypotenuse to a right-angled triangle
is equal to the sum of the square of the other two sides.
SCOFFS
So, you can parrot a bit of Fibonacci...
That Pythagoras.
Hold up, clever dick!
What's the capital of Indonesia?
GROANS
What are you doing?
Oh. Just redistributing some assets.
Just made a cool 17K.
That says 17p.
What do you want, Kitty?
Don't mind me. You carry on.
Such a lovely thing to do for Alison.
A little nest egg for the baby.
Yes. Minus my commission, obviously.
And while I can't say anything specific about the baby,
I'm sure that if the baby could,
then the baby would thank you for doing this for him.
Him?! Oh, no! What have I done?
Pros and cons.
FOOTSTEPS
Now, Alison... No.
No, what? No to whatever it is you're going to say
about families and houses and bloodlines.
We haven't even discussed it yet,
so I don't want a lecture about a decision no-one's made.
Quite right. You take all the time you need.
What? And whatever you decide will be for the best, I'm sure.
Um... OK.
Now, how are you?
Hmm? You look well.
Positively blooming.
And that shawl. What a delight.
What's happening?
The fit is quite sublime,
and the hue really brings out the colour of your eyes.
Stop it. Whatever this is, can you stop it?
Stop what, Alison? I'm merely making conversation.
It's creepy. Oh, my God, what's wrong with your mouth?
I'm smiling, Alison. People like smiles.
Well, stop it. You're making my skin go weird.
I'm just being pleasant, Alison.
Is it so hard to believe that I could be pleasant?
Um... I've been being pleasant since before you were born,
young lady, and I will not have my naturally breezy demeanour
called into question by the likes of you!
It's absolutely outrageous!
And take off those boots! You look like a strumpet!
Wow.
Good morning, Alison, and may I just say...
Out! Understood.
CLEARS HIS THROAT
Yeah...
OBI SIGHS
I miss her hair.
Her perfume.
Her feet.
You said feet. You've already said feet.
The way her eyes crinkle when she smiles.
All eyes do that.
Her feet.
Oh, good God, man, it's been for ever! Get over it!
Stop fawning over her like a lovesick puppy!
You're embarrassing yourself!
Mike... Oh, Alison.
You're looking radiant.
Is now a good time to compare lists?
Um, yeah. He's just riffing anyway.
I don't think he'll notice I'm gone.
Just abandoned. Again.
My whole life!
SOBS Why do people always abandon me?
SOBS INTENSIFY
You're on your own, mate.
Alison, a moment, please.
OBI SOBS AND MUTTERS
Hello, Lady Button.
Kitty. Are you well?
Not particularly.
I tried to endear myself to Alison, as we agreed, but...
Well, you've probably never noticed this, Kitty,
but occasionally I betray a slightly barbed demeanour.
LAUGHS UNCOMFORTABLY
Well, we all have our flaws.
And I'm sure Alison knows deep down how much you care for her.
Do you think so? Of course.
You're giving up your room to be the nursery.
What could be more selfless? Yes.
Yes, I suppose you're right. I can see it now.
A cot in the corner,
a chest full of teddies, and all painted blue.
Blue?! For a boy?! Oh, my goodness!
What's wrong with me? AIR WHOOSHES
You're here. Good. Oh, and Kitty's here, too. Even better.
CHUCKLES Now, we were wondering
if you would settle, um...
..I wouldn't say a disagreement.
I would. Right. You see, Robin and I have been discussing
what might constitute an ideal day out with a female companion.
A woman. A lady friend. Woman.
What the Americans might call a date.
I don't approve of them.
What, dates?
Americans.
Right. OK.
Well, that's... All we'd like you to do is just judge
which nice day out with a lady sounds better to you,
from a female point of view.
Oh, what fun! I see.
So, my pitch is a day at the beach.
Yes!
LAUGHS I love the beach.
Oh, it's perfect. Yes. I'll marry you, Pat.
All right, Kitty.
There's more to it than that.
There is? Yes.
We meet at the station.
I got some flowers from the Londis.
We're getting trains, see, so we can have a couple of those.
Then it's straight to the beach for fish and chips.
Mushy peas, if she likes 'em.
We'll stroll down the prom for a 99,
and then we'll sit on the pebbles...
..and have a box of white wine.
The good stuff, mind.
Liebfraumilch.
And then, we'll watch the sun go down.
No.
You what?!
Flowers? With my hay fever?
And I certainly wouldn't travel by train.
And peas should not be mushy any more than wine belongs in a box.
The whole thing sounds ghastly!
Ha!
All right! Well, let's hear yours!
Rummaging for grubs and then back to the cave, is it?
CLEARS HIS THROAT
We take a carriage to Simpson's in the Strand.
The pre-theatre menu but with champagne -
Dumont, Laurent...
Then on for dry Martinis at Claridge's. I've booked ahead.
Robin wins. Yes!
Oh, well done, Robin.
You just wooed a 170-year-old woman.
Excuse me! And Kitty liked mine.
Well, best of three, then!
Ah, perfect.
I'm doing him a snack, so we've got a couple of minutes.
So, obviously, I've got ghosts.
Yeah, me, too. Yeah.
In which column?
Both.
Yeah.
Yeah, me, too. I've still to do my cons cos I'm struggling.
..I'm fortunate, nay blessed...
Ghost? Ghosts. ..to share your home... OK.
..with such devoted and contented companions.
I will catch you later. If you would.
Imagine a life where you wake up in the morning
to find you haven't been written a poem.
Mm-hm...
A life without seeing this face every day.
You see?
Even now, I'm in your thoughts.
Why, you have idly scribed my name.
Pray tell, what is a con?
It means...confident.
And I am...
..confident.
Confident that you will make the right choice.
EXHALES
GASPS Guys! How many times?
Pregnant!
Yeah. Sorry, Alison.
We've just got a little favour to ask if you've got two minutes.
Well, I mean, I do, I... Good.
See, Pat think we need modern lady to judge lady things.
Lady things? Yeah.
We've both got our eye on Rachel the weather girl,
but we can't agree on who'd win her.
So, I'm going in with a day at the beach.
You know, fish and chips, Mr Whippy, the works.
No, no, no, no. To win a girl like that, you're talking
dinner at the Strand, champagne, oyster cocky-tail.
No, no. Stop. Stop, stop, stop.
This is ridiculous. Well, yeah. I did try to tell him. Don't...
I mean, both of you.
Firstly, you're dead people fighting over a woman off the telly.
Secondly, this whole competition feels kind of demeaning.
She's not a piece of meat.
Yeah! We know that.
She's a lady. Yeah.
You know, a lovely, unique human lady.
Human lady.
Well, what's her full name?
Rachel...
Yeah?
Guh...
K...
BOTH: Weather?
McGill.
McGill! So close!
She's not a possession that either of you can win,
even if you were alive.
She's a smart, successful woman who deserves more respect
than either of you are showing her right now.
She's right.
Yeah.
Share? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, Captain, can I ask your advice?
Ah, Katherine. Yes, of course. Anything.
In the war, you had to keep secrets, yes?
Oh... LAUGHS
Well, I... I couldn't possibly say, Kitty.
CHUCKLES
Yes. Right.
So, how do you do it? Keep a secret.
It turns out I'm not quite as good at it as I thought I was.
Ah, I see. Well, it's actually pretty straightforward.
Just don't allow yourself to be pulled into any conversations
about the offending issue, which in this case is...?
The baby being a boy. Oh! You see?
Good Lord! You're an interrogator's dream.
Well, I think in your particular case,
it's best if you keep your conversations focused
entirely on the other person,
thus avoiding the risk of any accidental divulgence.
FOOTSTEPS
Try it. Try it now. Try it.
Hello, you two. Hello. What have you been up to?
Well, we had a little falling-out, didn't we, Robin?
A lovers' tiff.
Yeah, but it's all patched up now.
Honestly, you boys!
I said boy. Like baby boy.
The baby's a boy! Oh, I can't stop doing it...!
What's up with...?
Panic over. They're staying.
PAT: What? KITTY: Are they?
Alison and I had a little tete-a-tete and...
..well, let's just say I'm confident she won't be going anywhere.
Oh, that's a relief. Well done, Thomas. Nice one.
Ironic, isn't it? All this effort to keep her here.
It only seems like yesterday that they arrived here
and we couldn't wait to get them out.
That's right. True.
Julian even pushed Alison out of the window!
LAUGHS
He absolutely did... ALISON: What?
Now, listen, let's not be too ha...
Oh, my God. What have you done?
Well, don't look at me! Julian pushed her!
He's right. Julian, you have to fix this at once.
What? Our efforts are for nothing now this hangs over us.
It's murder, Julian.
Attempted murder.
I'm going to be sick.
RETCHES
You have to make this right. Yeah. It's all on you.
Just take a bite.
I can't.
It just reminds me of her.
She loves lettuce.
PHONE VIBRATES
GROANS
Hello. Obi's phone.
WHISPERING: I'm not here.
Just a second.
ON PHONE: Hello?
Brenda? Hey! You all right?
Of course I'm not all right.
Oh, God. What's wrong?
What do you think? I've been dumped.
Huh? By who?
By you.
Erm, I didn't dump you.
Yes, you did.
Obi, I'd know if I'd dumped you.
You said, "This isn't working," and, "It's been weird for ages."
Yeah. My phone.
But you said, "I think I need something new."
Yeah, a new phone.
But you said, "Don't call.
"I need some time to figure this out."
Yeah, to get a new phone.
Cos mine stopped receiving calls. I told you that yesterday.
Oh, yeah.
You did.
So...
..are we back together?
We never broke up.
Though I suppose I could pretend we did,
you know, if you wanted to...make up?
Uh... Dude, I got to go.
I'm going to call you later. Brenda. Brenda...
Unbelievable.
We're taking the deal.
What?
GHOSTS ALL SPEAK AT ONCE
No, no, no. Never say sorry.
That's the first rule of politics.
PAT: But you've done it before. You've sung it before.
That was different. We all did that together.
Never be in a minority. Second rule of politics.
To Hades with your rules, sir!
You need to apologise, man. Oh, yeah.
Like a simple sorry is going to make this right.
You'd be surprised. There's nothing so bad
that it can't be fixed with a sincere apology.
Oh, really?
BAD NORTHERN ACCENT: Hello, Pat. Morris here.
I'm so sorry I slept with your wife, mate.
That's all right...
..mate.
And thank you for your apology, you f-f-f-f-f...
..fine fellow.
WHISPERING: Now you try.
MIKE: OK, what have they said now?
It's not what they said. It's just...
It doesn't matter why.
We need to leave. I just... Just trust me.
And I sincerely apologise if you feel in some way aggrieved
by the actions that are alleged...
That's not an apology, damn your eyes!
I'm trying here!
My list is, like, 95% cons.
It's just... Are you sure about this?
There are no second chances here, Julian.
Don't just say it. You must mean it.
Please don't let her go.
"We will gladly consider the sale of the house and grounds
"in their entirety."
Send?
Send.
JULIAN: Alison.
I've got nothing to say to you.
Just one minute, please...
I beg of you.
Just one minute.
Well... CLEARS HIS THROAT
..the thing is...
Uh...
I'm...
Uh...
I am...
Mm-hm.
I am...
I'm not sorry, actually. GHOSTS GASP
In fact, I'm glad.
Yeah, I'm glad I did what I did, because were it not for that,
you would never have met us,
and our lives would be poorer for it... Deaths! Deaths!
Look, I'm not proud of my actions, Alison.
Of course I'm not.
But I can't pretend to regret them when they brought with them this...
..magic.
This gift that we could have waited a lifetime for.
1,000 lifetimes.
I'm glad you found us, Alison.
And I think, if you're honest with yourself...
..you're glad that we found you.
Ooh...
But you do as you must.
We won't stand in your way.
CLEARS HIS THROAT
Someone's still talking?
You OK?
I can't do it.
They're awful.
You are... You are awful.
Yeah, I know.
But...
But what are you going to do?
It's family.
I know that your list was mainly cons, but...
..how do you feel about staying?
Honestly, I only had one pro.
But I think it's a goody.
Yeah.
ALISON SNIFFLES
Oooh! The safe!
Well, I mean...
TV ON
What about Erin if it's a girl?
Well, we know it's a...
Kitty!
I'm sorry.
Oh! Right, OK, who here knows the sex of our baby?
I also know. You're kidding!
Does everyone...? Yeah.
Guys...
Alison, I know that Kitty has been a little indiscreet
in regard to this issue,
but ensuring a battalion keeps a vital secret
is exactly what I trained for.
You have my personal assurance that until this baby is born,
no-one in this house will let slip
any detail about the little lad.
GHOSTS GROAN Great.
Damn it. So, it's a boy, then.
What? Damn it.
This is all my fault! I'm so sorry, Alison.
I couldn't help but see.
You couldn't miss it. It was just so long.
Really?
Yes. All coiled around him like a giant spring.
Like a...
Wait.
LAUGHS Kitty...
Kitty, I think you saw the umbilical cord.
The what?
The... The tube that gives it all its nutrients
when it's inside me.
It does what? Let me see.
TV: Now let's take a look at what the weather has in store.
PAT CHUCKLES
The outlook's about to get a little sunnier.
ROBIN GRUNTS
Live from our new weather centre in Salford, it's Richard Hanratty.
How are things looking for the weekend, Richard?
Richard? Oh! Oh, turn it off, Alison.
No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no...
Let's not be too hasty.
CAPTAIN CLEARS HIS THROAT